[electricity crackling]
["Love and Marriage" by Frank Sinatra playing]
[TV announcer] Next up,
back-to-back-to-back episodes of Married… with Children.
Daniel, get out here! Our show's on.
[Daniel] All right, I'm coming.
Hah! "Coming."
-[Daniel] Have you seen my towel? -[slurps]
All my tops are dirty, so I wore it to the grocery store.
Just put on some jeans.
Denim is a natural absorbent.
Al, I've been doing some thinking…
Hold on, Peg, let me put my head in the oven first.
[laughing]
This is a great one!
Peg tries to get a job,
but realizes she's a little too stupid and horny to get it.
For a beautiful new carpet installed next day…
Yes! Our song!
♪ 800-588 ♪
[both] ♪ 2300, Empire ♪
[both laughing]
Banged him.
[chuckling] And yes, the Empire carpet matches the drapes.
[theme music playing]
You know what sucks?
When a cheering crowd reminds you your ex is a professional baseball player
and you live next to Wrigley Field.
I know, Danny, but I support you and I'm here to listen.
Actually, there is something I wanted to get off my chest--
-[crowd cheering] -Holy shit! That sounded like a triple!
Sorry, hon, you were saying?
It's probably better if we don't discuss it.
Copy that. Well, at least we're both single again and we got each other.
And the good news is, you only have six more months of baseball.
Eight, if they make the playoffs.
Yeah, that's… great news.
[sighs]
Guys, I'm worried about my best friend.
Who, me? I'm fine.
I'm talking about Daniel.
He got dumped for the first time
and I need to do something special to cheer him up.
Speaking of special things…
Monday night, we're having a party for Gideon.
It's a surprise, so don't say anything.
I am a goddamn vault.
My friend, John Henderson, killed a man in '97.
I never told a soul.
So, don't worry, your surprise is safe with me.
What surprise?
Surprise… is what we are trying to think of
for Diane to do to cheer up Daniel.
Yes, that's exactly what we were talking about.
How sad is he?
Are we talking A Dog's Purpose or A Dog's Journey?
Worse. Marley and Me.
-Oh, dear! -Jesu Christo!
I don't fuck with dogs.
Well, I recently went to Broadway Brunch at Roscoe's.
It was delightful.
I sang "Hakuna Matata" while I ate a frittata!
Oh, that sounds like it sucks, but Daniel would love it!
-Thanks, Giddy-up. -I do not consent to that nickname!
Uh…
[dramatic music playing]
Hey, honey.
What do you think of "Mariah Whiddington"?
-As a name? It's fine. -Ugh!
That's not great feedback.
Well, today was something.
Jim Reynolds got stuck in the bathroom.
They had to call the fire department.
-You shoulda seen the look on-- -[uninterested] Uh-huh. Wow.
We should talk boy names too.
You know, I've always liked the "den" names.
-Aiden, Brayden, Jayden-- -Ooh.
I went to high school with an Aiden.
-His wedgies were brutal. -Yeah, yeah.
While you do that, think of some names. And good ones.
Oh, what about Liam?
I said good ones, Mark.
Hmm.
You excited for your surprise, Daniel?
Yes, but was it really necessary to cover my eyes while I got dressed?
Also, did you have buffalo wings?
No, I had some wing sauce a few hours ago.
I use it as a mouthwash. Gives my breath its tang.
Ta-da!
Broadway Brunch at Roscoe's?
We can sing something from Chicago!
Hell yeah! "Saturday in the Park!"
No, the musical.
They made a musical about the band?
-Eat my ass, Jersey Boys! -Yeah!
♪ There's no business like show business ♪
-♪ Like no business I know! ♪ -♪ Like show ♪
[both laughing]
Thanks again, Aunt Diane. This is exactly what I needed.
It's fun, right?
I haven't done karaoke since your dad's birthday.
I sang "More Than Words" with his college roommate.
We dry-humped through the chorus.
It wasn't that dry.
[cackling]
I just realized that if I was at college right now, I'd be studying for finals.
The only school you need is ADU.
Aunt Diane University, where everyone graduates magna cum loaded!
[laughing]
College sucks!
[both laughing]
♪ There's no business like show business ♪
♪ 800-588 ♪
-♪ Like no business I know ♪ -♪ 2300 ♪
-♪ Everything about it is appealing ♪ -♪ Empire ♪
[both laughing]
I'm gonna go pee out three pitchers of screwdrivers.
I'm gonna cue up Married… with Children.
[Daniel] Wow, it's always on, huh?
[moans softly]
[humming]
"Parking ticket", not gonna pay it.
"Grand jury summons", not guilty.
"Stanford Office of Admissions", no, thank you.
"Two-for-one Cheddar Bay Biscuits at Red Lobster"?
Hell yeah--! Ugh!
Mark, we have to get rolling on these pre-applications
for preschool pre-interviews.
Oh my God, that is so creamy!
Oh, such good head.
-What the hell, Mark? -[gasps]
Who are you talking to?
Uh, nothing! Nobody!
[gasps]
You were doing sex-camera porn!
What, are you paying some woman to pleasure herself with her own feet?
You sicko!
No, it's Liam.
Oh, so you were porning it up with a man!
My friends were right about you.
-No, he's a master brewer. -Hello!
I got into brewing my own Belgian beer.
Wait, which friends?
Don't deflect.
Why are you talking about beer with strangers online?
Because all you do is talk about baby stuff!
I'm sorry, I just wanted one conversation
where it doesn't revolve around you getting pregnant.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry our baby is so boring, Mark.
What baby?! There's nothing even in there yet!
Don't call my womb "there!"
And you have the nerve to suggest Liam as a name.
If you like Belgium so much, why don't you move there?
That's ridiculous!
Good luck finding a place now, during the mussel harvest!
You know what? I don't need you. I can raise this baby alone.
You're not pregnant!
[gasps]
Maybe you should take some time to think about what you just said!
Ho-ho! Maybe I will!
[Liam] Excuse me, Mark, still here.
Ugh… I want to die.
I was about to throw a block of cheese in the microwave. You want one?
Please, stop. I have to go to the bathroom.
FYI, I used the last of the BK napkins this morning.
Ugh! I guess I'll use trash again.
[electric guitar sting]
What is this?
What you're about to use to wipe your ass.
This is from Stanford Admissions, asking if I'm coming back.
Did you just… throw this away?
Yeah. Just yesterday, you said college sucked.
I never said that!
Were you actually thinking of going to Stanford?
I don't know, but that's for me to decide!
Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the waterbed.
You need to lay down and I'll bring you some hot cheese.
Please, stop telling me what I need or what you think is good for me!
Oh, sorry for always making sure your life is awesome.
You meddling in my life has not made it awesome.
First, with my relationship with Jason. Now, literally throwing away my future!
Oh, stop. I didn't meddle with you and Jason.
Kid couldn't hit a breaking ball and his OBP was in the gutter.
Stop throwing baseball terms at me, you Bette Meddler!
That's a good burn, but you're being a little asshole.
Your life is such a mess it's making my life a mess!
You know, if you don't like it here, there's the door!
That is the closet!
So, maybe I've had a little a.m. wine.
You know what? I'm out. Anywhere is better than here with you!
[door opens and closes]
[doorbell rings]
Hi, Mom. I was hoping--
-Your father is cheating on me! -What?
Well, not really. I'll explain.
[doorbell buzzing]
I knew you'd come running back to--
Mark?
-Hey there. -Are you lost?
The Eddie Bauer outlet's in Skokie.
Actually, it's in Schaumburg. And I own this place, Diane.
Only legally.
Well, I need to crash here.
Bonnie and I got in this huge fight, she kicked me out.
I don't wanna get into the details.
-I also don't want that. -Where's Daniel?
We got into it, and he stormed out. Must run in the family.
Well, I got dibs on his room.
Let me know if I'm too loud.
I'm gonna go do something Bonnie absolutely hates.
Gross! I don't wanna hear you spanking it!
What? No, I'm gonna go watch Bosch, Season Four.
Ugh!
That's worse.
[yawning]
Good morning, honey. How did you sleep?
Oh! It was great!
It's so much better than the waterbed I've been sleeping on at Diane's,
which is actually an air mattress filled with skunked beer.
Mom, I don't need to be treated like a kid--
Oh, a smiley face!
Well, you deserve it. Unlike your unsupportive father.
[Daniel] Mm-mm!
This napkin is so soft, would be great for--
Never mind.
[hard rock music sting]
I'm gonna take a light power walk on the lakefront to blow off steam.
Don't worry, I'm bringing my pepper spray.
Whatever. I'm making Bloody Bulls.
It's Bloody Marys with bouillon cubes.
Fun fact, it was Hemingway's drink of choice,
right before he blew his brains out.
-I didn't know you liked Ernest Hemingway. -Who?
No, Marty Hemingway, buddy of mine.
Toll booth operator on 94.
I miss him every day.
To Marty!
Hey! Sip or get off the pot.
[belches] Ahh.
And that's when I was like, "Fine, I'll leave,
because I don't need this…
[whispering] …shit."
Mark! You finally grew a pair!
Yeah, I did.
And you know what? I'll massage them when I want to, not when she tells me!
Hell yeah, you will!
Should I make us another round?
No, I can't. I think one's my limit.
Jordan for three!
-Whoo! Nothing but tongue! -Yes! Yeah, baby! [gasps]
[Diane] Watch out Marky-Mark, that's not a toy.
This is a Gibson!
Eddie Vedder gave that to me.
I jumped in front of his tour bus and threatened to sue.
You know, I was in a yacht rock band in college.
Now, let's see if I still got it.
-[plays guitar] -[gasps]
Yeah!
Do it!
♪ D, E major, E six ♪
Mark! You kind of rock.
Do you really mean that?
Yeah, I think I do.
Whoa, Mom! A little privacy?
[chuckles] There's no privacy with your Mommy.
Um…
Did you move all my old stuff back into my room while I was in the shower?
Yeah! Say hi to Pugs Bunny.
-[Bonnie makes kissing sounds] -Ah…
Where's Dad's Peloton bike?
I'm sorry, who?
[laughs]
[sighs] I threw it into the basement, AKA your father's "dungeon of lies."
But enough about him,
I want to talk about you and how cute you are.
[chuckles] Okay, so, I'm gonna get dressed.
Okay, got it. Enough said.
-So happy my baby's home! -Ah! Mom!
Okay. You said you wanted a cool cut,
so I tried to make you look like Jin from BTS.
I have absolutely no idea who that is, but this haircut is awesome!
I'm feeling like a whole new Mark!
And best of all, Bonnie would not approve!
-Upper decker! Yeah! -Yes!
[both laugh]
I don't think you know what that means.
So, what are you gonna do now, roomie?
Well, it is cold one o'clock…
Oh, I'd kill for a brewski right now!
But I can't because Ideon-gay doesn't allow inking-dray on the ob-jay.
Your pig Latin is better than your English.
Well, there's gonna be one with your name on it when you get home.
Yes! Best roommate ever!
Best roommates ever!
[both chanting] Best roommates ever! Best roommates ever! Best roommates ever!
Aah!
I gotta tell you, I don't miss Daniel one bit.
I was doing all the heavy lifting with that kid.
Always dragging him along for the ride.
Call me crazy, but Mark's actually cooler than Daniel.
-No, he's not! -No, you're fucking crazy.
[door opens and closes]
Mm! It smells like a wet bread bowl in here.
Yum-yum-yum.
Say hello to the Master Brewers.
Fuck the Brewers!
No. I've been making my own beer with the help of these guys,
and I thought I'd name the first batch after you.
I call it "Diane Dunbrewski."
Ooh! [sniffles]
You know how many beers Daniel's made me? Zero.
Yeah, well, you know, he's underage.
[smack lips]
It tastes like Chicago River water.
Ooh. That bad, huh?
Bad? That's the highest compliment I give.
Yes! Cheers!
[guzzling loudly]
[radio DJ] This is Saturday Sounds. Here's one from Nathan Whitehead.
So, tomorrow is Sunday.
Your father and I usually pull up weeds in the garden
and check the house for cracks in the foundation.
Every week?
So, what time can you start?
I'm guessing you want to sleep in, so, should we say 7:00?
I'm sorry, do you mean 7:00 a.m.?
[chuckles] Of course.
7:00 p.m. on Sundays is reserved for soup and 60 Minutes.
Yeah, I'm sorry, but I don't think I wanna do any of that.
Sundays are usually designated as "Fundays."
Unless we sleep through it,
then Sunday Funday gets folded into that week's Thirsty Thursday.
We usually don't wake up
until the good burrito place opens at noon.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm not as wild as your aunt.
[Daniel] I didn't say that.
Yes, Diane likes to do fun stuff, but she can also be a bit much.
Oh, I know. I've been dealing with her for years, and your father,
who, by the way, also has many negative character traits.
Yeah, you listed them at lunch. And breakfast.
At dinner, I'll get into how he's terrified of ladybugs.
Mom, enough!
Whatever happened between you two, you're not getting a divorce!
So, just call him, tell him to come home and figure it out!
Well, look who knows what's best for everyone else now!
I can see that Diane has really rubbed off on you.
Whatever! Just call him!
What do you say we order a deep-dish?
Oh-- Shit, you're probably one of those no meat, no dairy fuckers.
Oh, no, I love that stuff!
It's Bonnie who's all, "Mark, this has saturated fat,"
and, "Mark, your farts stink when you eat cheese."
Fudge off! I'll eat what I want.
Attaboy!
Okay, two large deep-dish, one sausage, one plain,
which means pepperoni.
Coming up!
-[phone ringing] -Ah! Speak of the devil.
You know, I'm just gonna put her on speaker. Hello?
-[giggles] -[Bonnie] Mark, come home now.
-Thank you, I'll be right there. -[cup clatters]
What the hell was that?
Diane, I'm so sorry. I need to go.
You're leaving me?
-[grunts] -Can you at least pay for the pizza?
Sorry!
[sighs]
[beeping]
Dad?
Hey, bud.
Ugh! It's so early.
Drank a bit too much over the last few days.
Just trying to sweat out the toxins.
-[Daniel] Are you wearing a wig? -[chuckles]
No. I got it cut. Don't I look like Jin from MBS?
You mean BTS.
MBS is the prince of Saudi Arabia.
So, did you and Mom make up?
Eh. We haven't really talked about it yet.
Hopefully, we never have to and everything can go back to normal.
You know how I feel about confrontation.
-Gives you diarrhea. -Gives me diarrhea.
How was Aunt Diane? Did she seem… okay?
Did she say anything about me?
Like missing me or…
She's good.
[whispers] We actually had a really great time.
Yeah? Well, I've been having a really great time here.
Some would say I'm thriving.
Oh, terrific. So, what do you have planned for today?
Well, technically, it's Margarita Monday.
But since Diane's not here, I guess now I don't have any plans.
Oh, goody!
Then, you can help me break down those cardboard boxes in the garage.
Should be fun. Some of them are double-taped.
Oh, yeah…
I… actually remember I have plans with some high school friends.
[beep]
Where are my ladies at? I need some company.
What about your roommate? I want to say Matt?
No, it's Clark.
No, it's Mark, and he left me too, the bastard.
But I don't need him, I got you guys.
My real best friends.
You said last week I'm not your best friend.
Doesn't matter. What does matter is me getting the support of my gals.
Let's have a frickin' girls' night!
What do you say?
[softly] Diane, I think some of us have plans tonight?
What plans?
Come on, Tin! Daniel left, Mark bailed, I need to hang!
Oh, right! We got Gideon's surprise thing!
-I knew she'd ruin it. -[Tina] Diane!
Diane, my entire life, I have wanted a surprise party.
And now, you have taken that from me.
Sorry, but maybe it's better you know.
My Uncle Ray had a surprise party at Dick's Last Resort.
Heart attack. Died on the spot.
He was 450 pounds, though.
Just go before you ruin it any further.
[poignant music playing]
[sighs]
Daniel! What's up, dude?
Oh, hey, Greg.
I thought we were going to meet at your office.
This is my office. Yeah, man, I sell weed outside of here.
Oh, gotcha.
Well, that's not my only job.
I was donating to the sperm bank, but they put the kibosh on that.
Psh, in the jizz biz, it's all about who you know.
I think your nose is bleeding.
Oh-- Yeah, it does that.
I was thinking about hitting up the pep rally.
Our high school's pep rally? Like, where we already graduated from?
Yep. I still go to all the games.
Well, I mean, I watch from across the street.
I'm not allowed within 100 yards of the school.
-Oh. -[Greg] So cool you're back!
We can hang all the time now!
I thought Mark was the perfect Daniel replacement.
But honestly, Daniel was always teaching me new stuff,
like voting and fully chewing my food.
Roommates suck. My last one was my best friend,
we hung out every night for years.
Then one day, the remote's broken and he won't cop to it!
Words are said, he bolts, I haven't seen him since.
You blew up a whole friendship over a remote control?
It was a universal remote, Diane!
I'm just pissed I still got his kidney inside me.
Anyway, flying solo is the way to go.
Pro-tip for living alone.
Get a dog and teach it how to dial 911.
Wow, that's bleak.
That's my dog's name!
[groans]
See, Daniel, this is what it could be like in the fall.
You can live here and commute to a local college,
and the new baby will be here.
Yeah, and I could hang out with Greg all the time.
Oh, oop. Got a little bit of fat here. [chuckles]
If that's a criticism, you can cook dinner next time.
I wasn't criticizing, I was commenting. Lamb has gristle.
Well, it felt like a criticism.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
Daniel, would you mind role-playing with us for a second,
so your father can get back on board with what we're trying to do here?
Oh my God, stop! Even your fights are boring.
Everything about this place is boring!
We're not boring!
-Right? -Um, no! Look at this haircut.
Exactly.
-Obviously, we're fixing that tomorrow. -Oh, yeah. Obviously.
Al… I'm sorry I got a library card.
It was long overdue.
-[TV audience laughs] -[laughs]
This is the one where Peg gets a… library card.
♪ 800-588 ♪
♪ 2300, Empire ♪
[announcer] So, head on down to Empire carpet… today.
["The Promise" by When In Rome playing]
♪ If you need a friend ♪
♪ Don't look to a stranger ♪
♪ You know in the end ♪
♪ I'll always be there ♪
Daniel!
Aunt Diane! I was coming back to you!
And I was coming to find you! Stay right there.
♪ And when you're in danger ♪
Ugh!
Watch out for the third rail!
That's an old wives' tale.
[electricity crackles]
Holy shit! The wives were right!
♪ I'm sorry but I'm just thinking Of the right words to say ♪
Ugh!
Huh!
-Aunt Diane! No! -[straining]
[screams]
[grunting]
Daniel, I'm sorry I got all up in your business.
You're my best friend and I just want you to be happy.
I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have lashed out at you.
I know you fuck shit up, but that's what makes everything not boring!
Daniel, I don't know if you need me, but I know I need you.
Let's promise to not leave each other ever again.
Deal.
Let's blood-oath this shit!
No. [laughs] But I missed your knife.
So technically, it is still Margarita Monday.
Hell yeah, it is!
And I know a party we can hit up.
-♪ 588 ♪ -♪ 2300 ♪
[both] ♪ Empire ♪
That's not even a real song!
My God, how can someone ruin the same party twice?
Diane, if you're gonna sing,
at least make it something we can dance to.
Copy that.
♪ 1 877 Kars for Kids ♪
♪ K-A-R-S Kars for Kids ♪
♪ 1 877 Kars for Kids ♪
[Zuzana] ♪ Donate your car today ♪ [laughs]
[closing theme music playing]