1
00:00:06,293 --> 00:00:07,834
[electricity crackling]

2
00:00:09,709 --> 00:00:14,001
["Love and Marriage"
by Frank Sinatra playing]

3
00:00:14,084 --> 00:00:15,084
[TV announcer] Next up,

4
00:00:15,168 --> 00:00:17,876
back-to-back-to-back episodes
of Married… with Children.

5
00:00:17,959 --> 00:00:20,668
Daniel, get out here! Our show's on.

6
00:00:20,751 --> 00:00:22,209
[Daniel] All right, I'm coming.

7
00:00:22,293 --> 00:00:23,501
Hah! "Coming."

8
00:00:23,584 --> 00:00:25,209
-[Daniel] Have you seen my towel?
-[slurps]

9
00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:28,584
All my tops are dirty,
so I wore it to the grocery store.

10
00:00:28,668 --> 00:00:30,418
Just put on some jeans.

11
00:00:30,501 --> 00:00:33,001
Denim is a natural absorbent.

12
00:00:33,084 --> 00:00:37,084
Al, I've been doing some thinking…

13
00:00:37,168 --> 00:00:40,209
Hold on, Peg, let me put my head
in the oven first.

14
00:00:40,293 --> 00:00:41,668
[laughing]

15
00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:43,334
This is a great one!

16
00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:44,834
Peg tries to get a job,

17
00:00:44,918 --> 00:00:48,251
but realizes she's a little too stupid
and horny to get it.

18
00:00:48,334 --> 00:00:50,501
For a beautiful new carpet
installed next day…

19
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,251
Yes! Our song!

20
00:00:52,334 --> 00:00:55,126
♪ 800-588 ♪

21
00:00:55,209 --> 00:00:58,793
[both] ♪ 2300, Empire ♪

22
00:00:58,876 --> 00:01:01,459
[both laughing]

23
00:01:02,251 --> 00:01:03,209
Banged him.

24
00:01:03,293 --> 00:01:07,168
[chuckling] And yes,
the Empire carpet matches the drapes.

25
00:01:07,251 --> 00:01:10,501
[theme music playing]

26
00:01:15,168 --> 00:01:16,709
You know what sucks?

27
00:01:16,793 --> 00:01:20,251
When a cheering crowd reminds you
your ex is a professional baseball player

28
00:01:20,334 --> 00:01:22,084
and you live next to Wrigley Field.

29
00:01:22,168 --> 00:01:26,001
I know, Danny, but I support you
and I'm here to listen.

30
00:01:26,084 --> 00:01:29,001
Actually, there is something
I wanted to get off my chest--

31
00:01:29,084 --> 00:01:32,168
-[crowd cheering]
-Holy shit! That sounded like a triple!

32
00:01:32,251 --> 00:01:34,084
Sorry, hon, you were saying?

33
00:01:34,168 --> 00:01:35,959
It's probably better
if we don't discuss it.

34
00:01:36,043 --> 00:01:39,626
Copy that. Well, at least we're both
single again and we got each other.

35
00:01:39,709 --> 00:01:42,876
And the good news is,
you only have six more months of baseball.

36
00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:44,543
Eight, if they make the playoffs.

37
00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:46,959
Yeah, that's… great news.

38
00:01:47,043 --> 00:01:48,168
[sighs]

39
00:01:49,751 --> 00:01:52,543
Guys, I'm worried about my best friend.

40
00:01:52,626 --> 00:01:54,376
Who, me? I'm fine.

41
00:01:54,459 --> 00:01:55,709
I'm talking about Daniel.

42
00:01:55,793 --> 00:01:57,459
He got dumped for the first time

43
00:01:57,543 --> 00:02:00,084
and I need to do something special
to cheer him up.

44
00:02:00,168 --> 00:02:02,418
Speaking of special things…

45
00:02:02,501 --> 00:02:04,709
Monday night,
we're having a party for Gideon.

46
00:02:04,793 --> 00:02:08,001
It's a surprise, so don't say anything.

47
00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:10,334
I am a goddamn vault.

48
00:02:10,418 --> 00:02:13,126
My friend, John Henderson,
killed a man in '97.

49
00:02:13,709 --> 00:02:15,001
I never told a soul.

50
00:02:15,084 --> 00:02:18,084
So, don't worry,
your surprise is safe with me.

51
00:02:18,168 --> 00:02:19,376
What surprise?

52
00:02:19,459 --> 00:02:23,209
Surprise…
is what we are trying to think of

53
00:02:23,293 --> 00:02:26,209
for Diane to do to cheer up Daniel.

54
00:02:26,293 --> 00:02:29,626
Yes, that's exactly
what we were talking about.

55
00:02:29,709 --> 00:02:31,126
How sad is he?

56
00:02:31,209 --> 00:02:34,126
Are we talking A Dog's Purpose
or A Dog's Journey?

57
00:02:34,209 --> 00:02:36,251
Worse. Marley and Me.

58
00:02:36,334 --> 00:02:37,668
-Oh, dear!
-Jesu Christo!

59
00:02:37,751 --> 00:02:38,834
I don't fuck with dogs.

60
00:02:38,918 --> 00:02:42,001
Well, I recently went
to Broadway Brunch at Roscoe's.

61
00:02:42,084 --> 00:02:43,251
It was delightful.

62
00:02:43,334 --> 00:02:46,126
I sang "Hakuna Matata"
while I ate a frittata!

63
00:02:46,209 --> 00:02:49,876
Oh, that sounds like it sucks,
but Daniel would love it!

64
00:02:49,959 --> 00:02:52,834
-Thanks, Giddy-up.
-I do not consent to that nickname!

65
00:02:54,334 --> 00:02:56,168
Uh…

66
00:02:56,251 --> 00:02:59,001
[dramatic music playing]

67
00:03:01,626 --> 00:03:02,626
Hey, honey.

68
00:03:02,709 --> 00:03:06,043
What do you think of "Mariah Whiddington"?

69
00:03:06,126 --> 00:03:08,209
-As a name? It's fine.
-Ugh!

70
00:03:08,293 --> 00:03:10,126
That's not great feedback.

71
00:03:10,209 --> 00:03:11,751
Well, today was something.

72
00:03:11,834 --> 00:03:13,959
Jim Reynolds got stuck in the bathroom.

73
00:03:14,043 --> 00:03:15,626
They had to call the fire department.

74
00:03:15,709 --> 00:03:18,001
-You shoulda seen the look on--
-[uninterested] Uh-huh. Wow.

75
00:03:18,084 --> 00:03:19,584
We should talk boy names too.

76
00:03:19,668 --> 00:03:21,834
You know, I've always liked
the "den" names.

77
00:03:21,918 --> 00:03:24,084
-Aiden, Brayden, Jayden--
-Ooh.

78
00:03:24,168 --> 00:03:25,959
I went to high school with an Aiden.

79
00:03:26,043 --> 00:03:27,501
-His wedgies were brutal.
-Yeah, yeah.

80
00:03:27,584 --> 00:03:30,084
While you do that, think of some names.
And good ones.

81
00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:31,626
Oh, what about Liam?

82
00:03:31,709 --> 00:03:33,584
I said good ones, Mark.

83
00:03:34,293 --> 00:03:35,793
Hmm.

84
00:03:37,043 --> 00:03:39,459
You excited for your surprise, Daniel?

85
00:03:39,543 --> 00:03:43,626
Yes, but was it really necessary
to cover my eyes while I got dressed?

86
00:03:43,709 --> 00:03:45,751
Also, did you have buffalo wings?

87
00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:48,668
No, I had some wing sauce a few hours ago.

88
00:03:48,751 --> 00:03:51,834
I use it as a mouthwash.
Gives my breath its tang.

89
00:03:52,501 --> 00:03:53,793
Ta-da!

90
00:03:54,418 --> 00:03:56,584
Broadway Brunch at Roscoe's?

91
00:03:56,668 --> 00:03:58,876
We can sing something from Chicago!

92
00:03:58,959 --> 00:04:01,376
Hell yeah! "Saturday in the Park!"

93
00:04:01,459 --> 00:04:03,293
No, the musical.

94
00:04:03,376 --> 00:04:05,293
They made a musical about the band?

95
00:04:05,376 --> 00:04:08,459
-Eat my ass, Jersey Boys!
-Yeah!

96
00:04:08,543 --> 00:04:12,126
♪ There's no business like show business ♪

97
00:04:12,209 --> 00:04:15,793
-♪ Like no business I know! ♪
-♪ Like show ♪

98
00:04:15,876 --> 00:04:18,334
[both laughing]

99
00:04:18,418 --> 00:04:21,418
Thanks again, Aunt Diane.
This is exactly what I needed.

100
00:04:21,501 --> 00:04:22,626
It's fun, right?

101
00:04:22,709 --> 00:04:25,709
I haven't done karaoke
since your dad's birthday.

102
00:04:25,793 --> 00:04:28,168
I sang "More Than Words"
with his college roommate.

103
00:04:28,251 --> 00:04:30,001
We dry-humped through the chorus.

104
00:04:30,084 --> 00:04:31,793
It wasn't that dry.

105
00:04:31,876 --> 00:04:34,251
[cackling]

106
00:04:34,334 --> 00:04:40,293
I just realized that if I was at college
right now, I'd be studying for finals.

107
00:04:40,376 --> 00:04:43,293
The only school you need is ADU.

108
00:04:43,376 --> 00:04:48,418
Aunt Diane University, where everyone
graduates magna cum loaded!

109
00:04:48,501 --> 00:04:49,834
[laughing]

110
00:04:49,918 --> 00:04:51,501
College sucks!

111
00:04:51,584 --> 00:04:53,543
[both laughing]

112
00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:56,376
♪ There's no business like show business ♪

113
00:04:56,459 --> 00:04:58,668
♪ 800-588 ♪

114
00:04:58,751 --> 00:05:01,084
-♪ Like no business I know ♪
-♪ 2300 ♪

115
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:03,668
-♪ Everything about it is appealing ♪
-♪ Empire ♪

116
00:05:03,751 --> 00:05:06,334
[both laughing]

117
00:05:06,418 --> 00:05:09,126
I'm gonna go pee out
three pitchers of screwdrivers.

118
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:11,668
I'm gonna cue up Married… with Children.

119
00:05:11,751 --> 00:05:14,584
[Daniel] Wow, it's always on, huh?

120
00:05:15,334 --> 00:05:16,418
[moans softly]

121
00:05:16,501 --> 00:05:19,126
[humming]

122
00:05:20,293 --> 00:05:22,418
"Parking ticket", not gonna pay it.

123
00:05:22,501 --> 00:05:25,334
"Grand jury summons", not guilty.

124
00:05:25,418 --> 00:05:28,876
"Stanford Office of Admissions",
no, thank you.

125
00:05:28,959 --> 00:05:32,084
"Two-for-one Cheddar Bay Biscuits
at Red Lobster"?

126
00:05:32,168 --> 00:05:34,418
Hell yeah--! Ugh!

127
00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:38,793
Mark, we have to get rolling
on these pre-applications

128
00:05:38,876 --> 00:05:40,584
for preschool pre-interviews.

129
00:05:40,668 --> 00:05:43,876
Oh my God, that is so creamy!

130
00:05:43,959 --> 00:05:45,334
Oh, such good head.

131
00:05:45,418 --> 00:05:46,668
-What the hell, Mark?
-[gasps]

132
00:05:46,751 --> 00:05:47,751
Who are you talking to?

133
00:05:47,834 --> 00:05:49,251
Uh, nothing! Nobody!

134
00:05:49,334 --> 00:05:50,168
[gasps]

135
00:05:50,251 --> 00:05:52,751
You were doing sex-camera porn!

136
00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:57,209
What, are you paying some woman
to pleasure herself with her own feet?

137
00:05:57,293 --> 00:05:58,626
You sicko!

138
00:05:58,709 --> 00:05:59,876
No, it's Liam.

139
00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:02,209
Oh, so you were porning it up with a man!

140
00:06:02,293 --> 00:06:03,918
My friends were right about you.

141
00:06:04,001 --> 00:06:06,168
-No, he's a master brewer.
-Hello!

142
00:06:06,251 --> 00:06:08,209
I got into brewing my own Belgian beer.

143
00:06:08,293 --> 00:06:09,709
Wait, which friends?

144
00:06:09,793 --> 00:06:10,959
Don't deflect.

145
00:06:11,043 --> 00:06:14,251
Why are you talking about beer
with strangers online?

146
00:06:14,334 --> 00:06:17,293
Because all you do
is talk about baby stuff!

147
00:06:17,376 --> 00:06:19,251
I'm sorry, I just wanted one conversation

148
00:06:19,334 --> 00:06:21,876
where it doesn't revolve
around you getting pregnant.

149
00:06:21,959 --> 00:06:25,709
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry
our baby is so boring, Mark.

150
00:06:25,793 --> 00:06:28,793
What baby?!
There's nothing even in there yet!

151
00:06:28,876 --> 00:06:30,959
Don't call my womb "there!"

152
00:06:31,043 --> 00:06:34,251
And you have the nerve
to suggest Liam as a name.

153
00:06:34,334 --> 00:06:36,876
If you like Belgium so much,
why don't you move there?

154
00:06:36,959 --> 00:06:37,834
That's ridiculous!

155
00:06:37,918 --> 00:06:40,459
Good luck finding a place now,
during the mussel harvest!

156
00:06:40,543 --> 00:06:44,418
You know what? I don't need you.
I can raise this baby alone.

157
00:06:44,501 --> 00:06:46,751
You're not pregnant!

158
00:06:46,834 --> 00:06:47,668
[gasps]

159
00:06:47,751 --> 00:06:51,626
Maybe you should take some time
to think about what you just said!

160
00:06:51,709 --> 00:06:53,251
Ho-ho! Maybe I will!

161
00:06:55,376 --> 00:06:57,584
[Liam] Excuse me, Mark, still here.

162
00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:01,418
Ugh… I want to die.

163
00:07:01,501 --> 00:07:05,293
I was about to throw a block of cheese
in the microwave. You want one?

164
00:07:05,376 --> 00:07:07,543
Please, stop.
I have to go to the bathroom.

165
00:07:07,626 --> 00:07:11,459
FYI, I used the last of the BK napkins
this morning.

166
00:07:11,543 --> 00:07:14,376
Ugh! I guess I'll use trash again.

167
00:07:14,459 --> 00:07:16,084
[electric guitar sting]

168
00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:19,001
What is this?

169
00:07:19,084 --> 00:07:21,626
What you're about to use to wipe your ass.

170
00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:25,709
This is from Stanford Admissions,
asking if I'm coming back.

171
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:28,001
Did you just… throw this away?

172
00:07:28,084 --> 00:07:31,126
Yeah. Just yesterday,
you said college sucked.

173
00:07:31,209 --> 00:07:32,209
I never said that!

174
00:07:32,293 --> 00:07:34,709
Were you actually thinking
of going to Stanford?

175
00:07:35,418 --> 00:07:38,001
I don't know, but that's for me to decide!

176
00:07:38,084 --> 00:07:41,626
Looks like someone woke up
on the wrong side of the waterbed.

177
00:07:41,709 --> 00:07:44,543
You need to lay down
and I'll bring you some hot cheese.

178
00:07:44,626 --> 00:07:48,293
Please, stop telling me what I need
or what you think is good for me!

179
00:07:48,376 --> 00:07:52,793
Oh, sorry for always making sure
your life is awesome.

180
00:07:52,876 --> 00:07:55,459
You meddling in my life
has not made it awesome.

181
00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:59,751
First, with my relationship with Jason.
Now, literally throwing away my future!

182
00:07:59,834 --> 00:08:02,793
Oh, stop. I didn't meddle
with you and Jason.

183
00:08:02,876 --> 00:08:06,001
Kid couldn't hit a breaking ball
and his OBP was in the gutter.

184
00:08:06,084 --> 00:08:09,918
Stop throwing baseball terms at me,
you Bette Meddler!

185
00:08:10,001 --> 00:08:12,834
That's a good burn,
but you're being a little asshole.

186
00:08:12,918 --> 00:08:15,334
Your life is such a mess
it's making my life a mess!

187
00:08:15,418 --> 00:08:18,334
You know, if you don't like it here,
there's the door!

188
00:08:18,418 --> 00:08:19,543
That is the closet!

189
00:08:19,626 --> 00:08:22,334
So, maybe I've had a little a.m. wine.

190
00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:26,501
You know what? I'm out.
Anywhere is better than here with you!

191
00:08:27,709 --> 00:08:29,126
[door opens and closes]

192
00:08:32,376 --> 00:08:33,959
[doorbell rings]

193
00:08:35,626 --> 00:08:36,668
Hi, Mom. I was hoping--

194
00:08:36,751 --> 00:08:38,959
-Your father is cheating on me!
-What?

195
00:08:39,043 --> 00:08:41,293
Well, not really. I'll explain.

196
00:08:43,293 --> 00:08:44,959
[doorbell buzzing]

197
00:08:45,043 --> 00:08:47,334
I knew you'd come running back to--

198
00:08:47,418 --> 00:08:48,334
Mark?

199
00:08:48,418 --> 00:08:50,168
-Hey there.
-Are you lost?

200
00:08:50,251 --> 00:08:52,584
The Eddie Bauer outlet's in Skokie.

201
00:08:52,668 --> 00:08:55,709
Actually, it's in Schaumburg.
And I own this place, Diane.

202
00:08:55,793 --> 00:08:57,168
Only legally.

203
00:08:57,251 --> 00:08:58,501
Well, I need to crash here.

204
00:08:58,584 --> 00:09:01,043
Bonnie and I got in this huge fight,
she kicked me out.

205
00:09:01,126 --> 00:09:02,793
I don't wanna get into the details.

206
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,501
-I also don't want that.
-Where's Daniel?

207
00:09:05,584 --> 00:09:09,209
We got into it, and he stormed out.
Must run in the family.

208
00:09:09,293 --> 00:09:11,001
Well, I got dibs on his room.

209
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:12,459
Let me know if I'm too loud.

210
00:09:12,543 --> 00:09:14,834
I'm gonna go do
something Bonnie absolutely hates.

211
00:09:14,918 --> 00:09:17,209
Gross! I don't wanna hear you spanking it!

212
00:09:17,293 --> 00:09:20,626
What? No, I'm gonna go watch Bosch,
Season Four.

213
00:09:21,126 --> 00:09:22,334
Ugh!

214
00:09:22,418 --> 00:09:23,751
That's worse.

215
00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:25,043
[yawning]

216
00:09:26,459 --> 00:09:28,959
Good morning, honey. How did you sleep?

217
00:09:29,043 --> 00:09:31,126
Oh! It was great!

218
00:09:31,209 --> 00:09:34,668
It's so much better than the waterbed
I've been sleeping on at Diane's,

219
00:09:34,751 --> 00:09:37,459
which is actually an air mattress
filled with skunked beer.

220
00:09:37,543 --> 00:09:39,626
Mom, I don't need to be
treated like a kid--

221
00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:42,251
Oh, a smiley face!

222
00:09:42,334 --> 00:09:45,751
Well, you deserve it.
Unlike your unsupportive father.

223
00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:46,709
[Daniel] Mm-mm!

224
00:09:46,793 --> 00:09:49,918
This napkin is so soft,
would be great for--

225
00:09:50,834 --> 00:09:51,834
Never mind.

226
00:09:51,918 --> 00:09:54,584
[hard rock music sting]

227
00:09:54,668 --> 00:09:57,793
I'm gonna take a light power walk
on the lakefront to blow off steam.

228
00:09:57,876 --> 00:10:00,126
Don't worry, I'm bringing my pepper spray.

229
00:10:00,209 --> 00:10:02,876
Whatever. I'm making Bloody Bulls.

230
00:10:02,959 --> 00:10:05,001
It's Bloody Marys with bouillon cubes.

231
00:10:05,084 --> 00:10:07,168
Fun fact, it was Hemingway's
drink of choice,

232
00:10:07,251 --> 00:10:09,043
right before he blew his brains out.

233
00:10:09,126 --> 00:10:11,501
-I didn't know you liked Ernest Hemingway.
-Who?

234
00:10:11,584 --> 00:10:14,084
No, Marty Hemingway, buddy of mine.

235
00:10:14,168 --> 00:10:16,043
Toll booth operator on 94.

236
00:10:16,126 --> 00:10:17,918
I miss him every day.

237
00:10:18,001 --> 00:10:19,001
To Marty!

238
00:10:20,793 --> 00:10:23,043
Hey! Sip or get off the pot.

239
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,251
[belches] Ahh.

240
00:10:27,334 --> 00:10:29,834
And that's when I was like,
"Fine, I'll leave,

241
00:10:29,918 --> 00:10:31,293
because I don't need this…

242
00:10:32,126 --> 00:10:33,459
[whispering] …shit."

243
00:10:33,543 --> 00:10:36,418
Mark! You finally grew a pair!

244
00:10:36,501 --> 00:10:37,668
Yeah, I did.

245
00:10:37,751 --> 00:10:41,751
And you know what? I'll massage them
when I want to, not when she tells me!

246
00:10:41,834 --> 00:10:43,751
Hell yeah, you will!

247
00:10:43,834 --> 00:10:45,501
Should I make us another round?

248
00:10:45,584 --> 00:10:47,584
No, I can't. I think one's my limit.

249
00:10:47,668 --> 00:10:49,418
Jordan for three!

250
00:10:50,459 --> 00:10:53,334
-Whoo! Nothing but tongue!
-Yes! Yeah, baby! [gasps]

251
00:10:53,418 --> 00:10:55,793
[Diane] Watch out Marky-Mark,
that's not a toy.

252
00:10:55,876 --> 00:10:57,043
This is a Gibson!

253
00:10:57,126 --> 00:10:59,001
Eddie Vedder gave that to me.

254
00:10:59,084 --> 00:11:01,834
I jumped in front of his tour bus
and threatened to sue.

255
00:11:01,918 --> 00:11:05,293
You know,
I was in a yacht rock band in college.

256
00:11:05,376 --> 00:11:07,751
Now, let's see if I still got it.

257
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:10,043
-[plays guitar]
-[gasps]

258
00:11:10,126 --> 00:11:11,251
Yeah!

259
00:11:11,834 --> 00:11:13,293
Do it!

260
00:11:14,043 --> 00:11:16,834
♪ D, E major, E six ♪

261
00:11:16,918 --> 00:11:18,876
Mark! You kind of rock.

262
00:11:18,959 --> 00:11:20,376
Do you really mean that?

263
00:11:20,959 --> 00:11:22,709
Yeah, I think I do.

264
00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:27,126
Whoa, Mom! A little privacy?

265
00:11:27,209 --> 00:11:29,918
[chuckles]
There's no privacy with your Mommy.

266
00:11:30,001 --> 00:11:30,834
Um…

267
00:11:30,918 --> 00:11:34,668
Did you move all my old stuff back
into my room while I was in the shower?

268
00:11:34,751 --> 00:11:37,001
Yeah! Say hi to Pugs Bunny.

269
00:11:37,084 --> 00:11:38,459
-[Bonnie makes kissing sounds]
-Ah…

270
00:11:38,543 --> 00:11:40,168
Where's Dad's Peloton bike?

271
00:11:40,251 --> 00:11:41,543
I'm sorry, who?

272
00:11:42,126 --> 00:11:43,168
[laughs]

273
00:11:43,251 --> 00:11:48,251
[sighs] I threw it into the basement,
AKA your father's "dungeon of lies."

274
00:11:48,334 --> 00:11:49,418
But enough about him,

275
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:51,501
I want to talk about you
and how cute you are.

276
00:11:51,584 --> 00:11:54,709
[chuckles] Okay, so,
I'm gonna get dressed.

277
00:11:58,501 --> 00:12:00,668
Okay, got it. Enough said.

278
00:12:02,126 --> 00:12:03,959
-So happy my baby's home!
-Ah! Mom!

279
00:12:06,251 --> 00:12:08,584
Okay. You said you wanted a cool cut,

280
00:12:08,668 --> 00:12:12,043
so I tried to make you look like Jin
from BTS.

281
00:12:12,126 --> 00:12:16,043
I have absolutely no idea who that is,
but this haircut is awesome!

282
00:12:16,126 --> 00:12:17,918
I'm feeling like a whole new Mark!

283
00:12:18,001 --> 00:12:20,959
And best of all, Bonnie would not approve!

284
00:12:21,043 --> 00:12:23,418
-Upper decker! Yeah!
-Yes!

285
00:12:23,501 --> 00:12:24,543
[both laugh]

286
00:12:24,626 --> 00:12:26,751
I don't think you know what that means.

287
00:12:26,834 --> 00:12:28,751
So, what are you gonna do now, roomie?

288
00:12:28,834 --> 00:12:30,959
Well, it is cold one o'clock…

289
00:12:31,043 --> 00:12:33,959
Oh, I'd kill for a brewski right now!

290
00:12:34,043 --> 00:12:39,501
But I can't because Ideon-gay doesn't
allow inking-dray on the ob-jay.

291
00:12:39,584 --> 00:12:41,834
Your pig Latin is
better than your English.

292
00:12:41,918 --> 00:12:44,876
Well, there's gonna be one
with your name on it when you get home.

293
00:12:44,959 --> 00:12:47,459
Yes! Best roommate ever!

294
00:12:47,543 --> 00:12:49,293
Best roommates ever!

295
00:12:49,376 --> 00:12:54,751
[both chanting] Best roommates ever!
Best roommates ever! Best roommates ever!

296
00:12:55,251 --> 00:12:56,084
Aah!

297
00:12:56,168 --> 00:12:59,084
I gotta tell you,
I don't miss Daniel one bit.

298
00:12:59,168 --> 00:13:01,793
I was doing all the heavy lifting
with that kid.

299
00:13:01,876 --> 00:13:04,459
Always dragging him along for the ride.

300
00:13:04,543 --> 00:13:07,876
Call me crazy,
but Mark's actually cooler than Daniel.

301
00:13:07,959 --> 00:13:09,834
-No, he's not!
-No, you're fucking crazy.

302
00:13:10,918 --> 00:13:12,959
[door opens and closes]

303
00:13:13,043 --> 00:13:16,168
Mm! It smells like
a wet bread bowl in here.

304
00:13:16,251 --> 00:13:17,418
Yum-yum-yum.

305
00:13:17,501 --> 00:13:20,126
Say hello to the Master Brewers.

306
00:13:20,209 --> 00:13:21,584
Fuck the Brewers!

307
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:24,584
No. I've been making my own beer
with the help of these guys,

308
00:13:24,668 --> 00:13:26,959
and I thought I'd name
the first batch after you.

309
00:13:27,043 --> 00:13:30,001
I call it "Diane Dunbrewski."

310
00:13:30,084 --> 00:13:31,584
Ooh! [sniffles]

311
00:13:31,668 --> 00:13:35,418
You know how many beers
Daniel's made me? Zero.

312
00:13:35,501 --> 00:13:37,584
Yeah, well, you know, he's underage.

313
00:13:38,459 --> 00:13:39,501
[smack lips]

314
00:13:41,043 --> 00:13:43,584
It tastes like Chicago River water.

315
00:13:43,668 --> 00:13:45,126
Ooh. That bad, huh?

316
00:13:45,209 --> 00:13:48,459
Bad? That's the highest compliment I give.

317
00:13:48,543 --> 00:13:50,084
Yes! Cheers!

318
00:13:50,168 --> 00:13:51,251
[guzzling loudly]

319
00:13:51,334 --> 00:13:54,376
[radio DJ] This is Saturday Sounds.
Here's one from Nathan Whitehead.

320
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,043
So, tomorrow is Sunday.

321
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,709
Your father and I usually
pull up weeds in the garden

322
00:13:58,793 --> 00:14:01,001
and check the house
for cracks in the foundation.

323
00:14:01,084 --> 00:14:02,376
Every week?

324
00:14:03,126 --> 00:14:04,668
So, what time can you start?

325
00:14:04,751 --> 00:14:07,709
I'm guessing you want to sleep in,
so, should we say 7:00?

326
00:14:07,793 --> 00:14:10,043
I'm sorry, do you mean 7:00 a.m.?

327
00:14:10,126 --> 00:14:11,459
[chuckles] Of course.

328
00:14:11,543 --> 00:14:16,293
7:00 p.m. on Sundays
is reserved for soup and 60 Minutes.

329
00:14:16,376 --> 00:14:19,834
Yeah, I'm sorry, but I don't think
I wanna do any of that.

330
00:14:19,918 --> 00:14:22,876
Sundays are usually
designated as "Fundays."

331
00:14:22,959 --> 00:14:24,376
Unless we sleep through it,

332
00:14:24,459 --> 00:14:27,668
then Sunday Funday gets folded
into that week's Thirsty Thursday.

333
00:14:27,751 --> 00:14:28,959
We usually don't wake up

334
00:14:29,043 --> 00:14:30,959
until the good burrito place
opens at noon.

335
00:14:31,043 --> 00:14:33,709
Oh, I'm sorry
I'm not as wild as your aunt.

336
00:14:33,793 --> 00:14:35,168
[Daniel] I didn't say that.

337
00:14:35,251 --> 00:14:39,501
Yes, Diane likes to do fun stuff,
but she can also be a bit much.

338
00:14:39,584 --> 00:14:42,668
Oh, I know. I've been dealing with her
for years, and your father,

339
00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:46,001
who, by the way,
also has many negative character traits.

340
00:14:46,084 --> 00:14:48,709
Yeah, you listed them at lunch.
And breakfast.

341
00:14:48,793 --> 00:14:51,543
At dinner, I'll get into
how he's terrified of ladybugs.

342
00:14:51,626 --> 00:14:53,001
Mom, enough!

343
00:14:53,084 --> 00:14:56,251
Whatever happened between you two,
you're not getting a divorce!

344
00:14:56,334 --> 00:14:59,626
So, just call him, tell him
to come home and figure it out!

345
00:14:59,709 --> 00:15:02,793
Well, look who knows what's best
for everyone else now!

346
00:15:02,876 --> 00:15:05,793
I can see that Diane
has really rubbed off on you.

347
00:15:05,876 --> 00:15:07,668
Whatever! Just call him!

348
00:15:10,334 --> 00:15:12,459
What do you say we order a deep-dish?

349
00:15:12,543 --> 00:15:16,876
Oh-- Shit, you're probably one of those
no meat, no dairy fuckers.

350
00:15:16,959 --> 00:15:18,501
Oh, no, I love that stuff!

351
00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:22,334
It's Bonnie who's all,
"Mark, this has saturated fat,"

352
00:15:22,418 --> 00:15:25,334
and, "Mark, your farts stink
when you eat cheese."

353
00:15:25,418 --> 00:15:27,334
Fudge off! I'll eat what I want.

354
00:15:27,418 --> 00:15:28,918
Attaboy!

355
00:15:29,001 --> 00:15:32,418
Okay, two large deep-dish,
one sausage, one plain,

356
00:15:32,501 --> 00:15:33,751
which means pepperoni.

357
00:15:33,834 --> 00:15:34,668
Coming up!

358
00:15:34,751 --> 00:15:36,793
-[phone ringing]
-Ah! Speak of the devil.

359
00:15:36,876 --> 00:15:39,668
You know, I'm just gonna
put her on speaker. Hello?

360
00:15:39,751 --> 00:15:41,459
-[giggles]
-[Bonnie] Mark, come home now.

361
00:15:41,543 --> 00:15:43,376
-Thank you, I'll be right there.
-[cup clatters]

362
00:15:43,459 --> 00:15:44,834
What the hell was that?

363
00:15:44,918 --> 00:15:46,751
Diane, I'm so sorry. I need to go.

364
00:15:46,834 --> 00:15:48,001
You're leaving me?

365
00:15:48,084 --> 00:15:49,834
-[grunts]
-Can you at least pay for the pizza?

366
00:15:49,918 --> 00:15:51,043
Sorry!

367
00:15:52,293 --> 00:15:54,293
[sighs]

368
00:15:54,876 --> 00:15:56,876
[beeping]

369
00:15:57,834 --> 00:15:58,668
Dad?

370
00:15:58,751 --> 00:15:59,709
Hey, bud.

371
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,709
Ugh! It's so early.

372
00:16:01,793 --> 00:16:04,001
Drank a bit too much
over the last few days.

373
00:16:04,084 --> 00:16:05,918
Just trying to sweat out the toxins.

374
00:16:07,043 --> 00:16:09,084
-[Daniel] Are you wearing a wig?
-[chuckles]

375
00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:12,626
No. I got it cut.
Don't I look like Jin from MBS?

376
00:16:12,709 --> 00:16:14,126
You mean BTS.

377
00:16:14,209 --> 00:16:16,418
MBS is the prince of Saudi Arabia.

378
00:16:16,501 --> 00:16:18,418
So, did you and Mom make up?

379
00:16:18,501 --> 00:16:20,293
Eh. We haven't really talked about it yet.

380
00:16:20,376 --> 00:16:23,293
Hopefully, we never have to
and everything can go back to normal.

381
00:16:23,376 --> 00:16:25,209
You know how I feel about confrontation.

382
00:16:25,293 --> 00:16:27,084
-Gives you diarrhea.
-Gives me diarrhea.

383
00:16:28,626 --> 00:16:31,584
How was Aunt Diane? Did she seem… okay?

384
00:16:31,668 --> 00:16:33,168
Did she say anything about me?

385
00:16:33,251 --> 00:16:34,584
Like missing me or…

386
00:16:34,668 --> 00:16:36,001
She's good.

387
00:16:36,793 --> 00:16:38,918
[whispers] We actually had
a really great time.

388
00:16:39,001 --> 00:16:41,709
Yeah? Well, I've been having
a really great time here.

389
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:43,293
Some would say I'm thriving.

390
00:16:43,376 --> 00:16:45,834
Oh, terrific. So, what do you have
planned for today?

391
00:16:45,918 --> 00:16:48,251
Well, technically, it's Margarita Monday.

392
00:16:48,334 --> 00:16:53,001
But since Diane's not here,
I guess now I don't have any plans.

393
00:16:53,084 --> 00:16:54,126
Oh, goody!

394
00:16:54,209 --> 00:16:57,251
Then, you can help me break down
those cardboard boxes in the garage.

395
00:16:57,334 --> 00:16:59,543
Should be fun.
Some of them are double-taped.

396
00:16:59,626 --> 00:17:01,459
Oh, yeah…

397
00:17:01,543 --> 00:17:06,209
I… actually remember I have plans
with some high school friends.

398
00:17:10,293 --> 00:17:11,626
[beep]

399
00:17:12,334 --> 00:17:15,168
Where are my ladies at?
I need some company.

400
00:17:15,251 --> 00:17:17,459
What about your roommate?
I want to say Matt?

401
00:17:17,543 --> 00:17:19,001
No, it's Clark.

402
00:17:19,084 --> 00:17:21,959
No, it's Mark,
and he left me too, the bastard.

403
00:17:22,043 --> 00:17:24,584
But I don't need him, I got you guys.

404
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:26,334
My real best friends.

405
00:17:26,418 --> 00:17:28,751
You said last week
I'm not your best friend.

406
00:17:28,834 --> 00:17:33,001
Doesn't matter. What does matter
is me getting the support of my gals.

407
00:17:33,084 --> 00:17:35,209
Let's have a frickin' girls' night!

408
00:17:35,293 --> 00:17:36,334
What do you say?

409
00:17:36,418 --> 00:17:40,251
[softly] Diane, I think
some of us have plans tonight?

410
00:17:40,334 --> 00:17:41,334
What plans?

411
00:17:41,418 --> 00:17:45,418
Come on, Tin! Daniel left,
Mark bailed, I need to hang!

412
00:17:45,501 --> 00:17:48,251
Oh, right! We got Gideon's surprise thing!

413
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:49,793
-I knew she'd ruin it.
-[Tina] Diane!

414
00:17:49,876 --> 00:17:54,126
Diane, my entire life,
I have wanted a surprise party.

415
00:17:54,209 --> 00:17:56,584
And now, you have taken that from me.

416
00:17:56,668 --> 00:17:59,543
Sorry, but maybe it's better you know.

417
00:17:59,626 --> 00:18:03,043
My Uncle Ray had a surprise party
at Dick's Last Resort.

418
00:18:03,126 --> 00:18:05,584
Heart attack. Died on the spot.

419
00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:07,584
He was 450 pounds, though.

420
00:18:07,668 --> 00:18:10,209
Just go before you ruin it any further.

421
00:18:10,293 --> 00:18:13,418
[poignant music playing]

422
00:18:15,751 --> 00:18:16,959
[sighs]

423
00:18:19,876 --> 00:18:22,293
Daniel! What's up, dude?

424
00:18:22,376 --> 00:18:23,959
Oh, hey, Greg.

425
00:18:24,043 --> 00:18:26,209
I thought we were going
to meet at your office.

426
00:18:26,293 --> 00:18:29,668
This is my office.
Yeah, man, I sell weed outside of here.

427
00:18:29,751 --> 00:18:31,084
Oh, gotcha.

428
00:18:31,168 --> 00:18:32,876
Well, that's not my only job.

429
00:18:32,959 --> 00:18:36,376
I was donating to the sperm bank,
but they put the kibosh on that.

430
00:18:36,459 --> 00:18:39,959
Psh, in the jizz biz,
it's all about who you know.

431
00:18:40,043 --> 00:18:42,293
I think your nose is bleeding.

432
00:18:42,376 --> 00:18:44,501
Oh-- Yeah, it does that.

433
00:18:44,584 --> 00:18:46,751
I was thinking about
hitting up the pep rally.

434
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:50,751
Our high school's pep rally?
Like, where we already graduated from?

435
00:18:50,834 --> 00:18:52,876
Yep. I still go to all the games.

436
00:18:52,959 --> 00:18:54,709
Well, I mean,
I watch from across the street.

437
00:18:54,793 --> 00:18:56,918
I'm not allowed within 100 yards
of the school.

438
00:18:57,001 --> 00:18:58,543
-Oh.
-[Greg] So cool you're back!

439
00:18:58,626 --> 00:19:00,918
We can hang all the time now!

440
00:19:03,834 --> 00:19:06,418
I thought Mark was
the perfect Daniel replacement.

441
00:19:06,501 --> 00:19:09,793
But honestly, Daniel was
always teaching me new stuff,

442
00:19:09,876 --> 00:19:13,209
like voting and fully chewing my food.

443
00:19:13,293 --> 00:19:15,918
Roommates suck.
My last one was my best friend,

444
00:19:16,001 --> 00:19:17,834
we hung out every night for years.

445
00:19:17,918 --> 00:19:21,251
Then one day, the remote's broken
and he won't cop to it!

446
00:19:21,334 --> 00:19:24,168
Words are said, he bolts,
I haven't seen him since.

447
00:19:24,251 --> 00:19:27,126
You blew up a whole friendship
over a remote control?

448
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:30,126
It was a universal remote, Diane!

449
00:19:30,209 --> 00:19:32,709
I'm just pissed
I still got his kidney inside me.

450
00:19:32,793 --> 00:19:35,418
Anyway, flying solo is the way to go.

451
00:19:35,501 --> 00:19:37,043
Pro-tip for living alone.

452
00:19:37,126 --> 00:19:40,043
Get a dog
and teach it how to dial 911.

453
00:19:40,126 --> 00:19:41,501
Wow, that's bleak.

454
00:19:41,584 --> 00:19:42,793
That's my dog's name!

455
00:19:42,876 --> 00:19:44,834
[groans]

456
00:19:46,793 --> 00:19:49,418
See, Daniel, this is
what it could be like in the fall.

457
00:19:49,501 --> 00:19:52,626
You can live here
and commute to a local college,

458
00:19:52,709 --> 00:19:54,668
and the new baby will be here.

459
00:19:54,751 --> 00:19:57,668
Yeah, and I could hang out
with Greg all the time.

460
00:19:57,751 --> 00:20:00,001
Oh, oop. Got a little bit
of fat here. [chuckles]

461
00:20:00,084 --> 00:20:03,209
If that's a criticism,
you can cook dinner next time.

462
00:20:03,293 --> 00:20:06,751
I wasn't criticizing, I was commenting.
Lamb has gristle.

463
00:20:06,834 --> 00:20:09,251
Well, it felt like a criticism.

464
00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:11,584
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

465
00:20:13,709 --> 00:20:16,668
Daniel, would you mind role-playing
with us for a second,

466
00:20:16,751 --> 00:20:20,376
so your father can get back on board
with what we're trying to do here?

467
00:20:20,459 --> 00:20:23,126
Oh my God, stop!
Even your fights are boring.

468
00:20:23,209 --> 00:20:25,459
Everything about this place is boring!

469
00:20:25,543 --> 00:20:26,918
We're not boring!

470
00:20:27,459 --> 00:20:30,543
-Right?
-Um, no! Look at this haircut.

471
00:20:30,626 --> 00:20:31,876
Exactly.

472
00:20:31,959 --> 00:20:34,709
-Obviously, we're fixing that tomorrow.
-Oh, yeah. Obviously.

473
00:20:35,959 --> 00:20:40,793
Al… I'm sorry I got a library card.

474
00:20:40,876 --> 00:20:42,501
It was long overdue.

475
00:20:42,584 --> 00:20:44,168
-[TV audience laughs]
-[laughs]

476
00:20:44,251 --> 00:20:47,418
This is the one
where Peg gets a… library card.

477
00:20:49,876 --> 00:20:53,043
♪ 800-588 ♪

478
00:20:53,126 --> 00:20:58,251
♪ 2300, Empire ♪

479
00:20:58,334 --> 00:21:01,334
[announcer] So, head on down
to Empire carpet… today.

480
00:21:06,251 --> 00:21:10,334
["The Promise" by When In Rome playing]

481
00:21:22,626 --> 00:21:24,626
♪ If you need a friend ♪

482
00:21:26,709 --> 00:21:30,043
♪ Don't look to a stranger ♪

483
00:21:30,793 --> 00:21:32,709
♪ You know in the end ♪

484
00:21:34,834 --> 00:21:36,376
♪ I'll always be there ♪

485
00:21:36,459 --> 00:21:37,626
Daniel!

486
00:21:37,709 --> 00:21:40,001
Aunt Diane! I was coming back to you!

487
00:21:40,084 --> 00:21:43,168
And I was coming to find you!
Stay right there.

488
00:21:43,251 --> 00:21:46,126
♪ And when you're in danger ♪

489
00:21:46,918 --> 00:21:47,959
Ugh!

490
00:21:48,043 --> 00:21:50,293
Watch out for the third rail!

491
00:21:50,376 --> 00:21:52,126
That's an old wives' tale.

492
00:21:52,209 --> 00:21:53,126
[electricity crackles]

493
00:21:53,209 --> 00:21:56,001
Holy shit! The wives were right!

494
00:21:56,084 --> 00:21:59,251
♪ I'm sorry but I'm just thinking
Of the right words to say ♪

495
00:21:59,334 --> 00:22:00,459
Ugh!

496
00:22:00,543 --> 00:22:01,834
Huh!

497
00:22:01,918 --> 00:22:03,918
-Aunt Diane! No!
-[straining]

498
00:22:04,001 --> 00:22:05,084
[screams]

499
00:22:06,168 --> 00:22:07,834
[grunting]

500
00:22:08,418 --> 00:22:11,626
Daniel, I'm sorry I got
all up in your business.

501
00:22:11,709 --> 00:22:14,543
You're my best friend
and I just want you to be happy.

502
00:22:14,626 --> 00:22:17,209
I'm sorry too.
I shouldn't have lashed out at you.

503
00:22:17,293 --> 00:22:20,834
I know you fuck shit up, but that's
what makes everything not boring!

504
00:22:20,918 --> 00:22:24,376
Daniel, I don't know if you need me,
but I know I need you.

505
00:22:24,459 --> 00:22:27,459
Let's promise to not leave
each other ever again.

506
00:22:27,543 --> 00:22:28,543
Deal.

507
00:22:29,376 --> 00:22:31,584
Let's blood-oath this shit!

508
00:22:31,668 --> 00:22:35,293
No. [laughs] But I missed your knife.

509
00:22:35,834 --> 00:22:38,709
So technically,
it is still Margarita Monday.

510
00:22:38,793 --> 00:22:40,418
Hell yeah, it is!

511
00:22:40,501 --> 00:22:42,501
And I know a party we can hit up.

512
00:22:43,251 --> 00:22:45,876
-♪ 588 ♪
-♪ 2300 ♪

513
00:22:45,959 --> 00:22:48,543
[both] ♪ Empire ♪

514
00:22:48,626 --> 00:22:50,543
That's not even a real song!

515
00:22:50,626 --> 00:22:53,834
My God, how can someone
ruin the same party twice?

516
00:22:53,918 --> 00:22:55,918
Diane, if you're gonna sing,

517
00:22:56,001 --> 00:22:58,334
at least make it something
we can dance to.

518
00:22:58,418 --> 00:22:59,668
Copy that.

519
00:23:04,001 --> 00:23:07,084
♪ 1 877 Kars for Kids ♪

520
00:23:07,168 --> 00:23:10,376
♪ K-A-R-S Kars for Kids ♪

521
00:23:10,501 --> 00:23:13,376
♪ 1 877 Kars for Kids ♪

522
00:23:13,459 --> 00:23:16,459
[Zuzana] ♪ Donate your car today ♪
[laughs]

523
00:23:16,543 --> 00:23:19,668
[closing theme music playing]