1 00:00:06,584 --> 00:00:07,918 [electricity crackling] 2 00:00:12,001 --> 00:00:13,501 -Nine-one-one, emergency! -[Daniel] Aah! 3 00:00:13,584 --> 00:00:15,251 Gimme your phone, we don't got a lotta time! 4 00:00:15,334 --> 00:00:18,126 Oh my God… Did North Korea make a missile that can reach Chicago? 5 00:00:18,209 --> 00:00:21,084 No, worse! The radio station blocked both my numbers 6 00:00:21,168 --> 00:00:23,126 and I want to request some tunes! 7 00:00:23,209 --> 00:00:24,459 Damn it, I'm on hold! 8 00:00:24,543 --> 00:00:28,168 [Dank] Welcome back to Dank Sherman and the Fug on WRAG, the Wrag! 9 00:00:28,251 --> 00:00:29,501 -Let's take a caller. -[laughs] 10 00:00:29,584 --> 00:00:31,001 S'up? You're on the Wrag! 11 00:00:31,084 --> 00:00:32,126 I got through! 12 00:00:32,209 --> 00:00:35,918 Hi there, I'd like to hear "American Woman" by The Guess Who, 13 00:00:36,001 --> 00:00:38,293 not that BS Lenny Kravitz cover. 14 00:00:38,376 --> 00:00:39,876 Lenny Kravitz, the actor? 15 00:00:39,959 --> 00:00:44,584 Lady, the only thing we're playing this a.m. is Jug Jenga! 16 00:00:44,668 --> 00:00:47,918 We got two babes here that used to be servers at Hooters. 17 00:00:48,001 --> 00:00:49,209 Now, they're just moms. 18 00:00:49,293 --> 00:00:52,834 And we're seeing how many Jenga pieces they can balance on their racks. 19 00:00:52,918 --> 00:00:55,793 -And unless you think you can beat them-- -[Diane screams] 20 00:00:55,876 --> 00:00:56,709 Ugh! 21 00:00:56,793 --> 00:00:57,959 She's on her way. 22 00:00:58,043 --> 00:01:00,209 [hard rock music playing] 23 00:01:00,293 --> 00:01:05,001 Don't be shy, Fug, my girls have handled much bigger wood than that. 24 00:01:05,084 --> 00:01:07,418 And that's all the pieces, 25 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:10,418 making Diane Dunbrowski our Jug Jenga champ! 26 00:01:10,501 --> 00:01:13,293 -Wow, those milk wagons are unreal. -[cow mooing sound] 27 00:01:13,376 --> 00:01:16,584 Yeah, these were an FDA experiment in the '90s. 28 00:01:16,668 --> 00:01:19,584 I was kind of a breast implant guinea pig. 29 00:01:19,668 --> 00:01:23,168 Oh, watch it! We're Italian American pigs! 30 00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:26,918 -[heavy Italian accent] Mamma mia! -[laughing] 31 00:01:27,001 --> 00:01:28,668 Classic Fug! 32 00:01:28,751 --> 00:01:31,709 And the prize is… a free mammogram, 33 00:01:31,793 --> 00:01:35,293 courtesy of WRAG's Breast Cancer Awareness Week. 34 00:01:35,376 --> 00:01:39,043 Coming up, we're gonna reunite a porn star with her biological dad, 35 00:01:39,126 --> 00:01:41,084 if she can name all 50 states. 36 00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:43,334 Oh, I'm sticking around for that. 37 00:01:43,418 --> 00:01:46,126 [theme music playing] 38 00:01:52,001 --> 00:01:55,168 [laughing] Then she said Las Vegas was a state 39 00:01:55,251 --> 00:01:59,584 and they played a clip of Ren and Stimpy where he goes, "You idiot!" 40 00:01:59,668 --> 00:02:01,001 It was classic! 41 00:02:01,084 --> 00:02:02,501 How's that show even still on? 42 00:02:02,584 --> 00:02:03,918 It's so degrading to women. 43 00:02:04,001 --> 00:02:05,668 Who listen to radio anymore? 44 00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:07,126 Podcasts all the way, baby! 45 00:02:07,209 --> 00:02:09,084 Speaking of which, please subscribe to mine. 46 00:02:09,168 --> 00:02:10,084 I keep asking you. 47 00:02:10,168 --> 00:02:12,543 Diane, you gotta get on that mammogram. 48 00:02:12,626 --> 00:02:14,043 They're mad expensive 49 00:02:14,126 --> 00:02:16,084 and our Borough insurance doesn't cover them. 50 00:02:16,168 --> 00:02:17,834 We have health insurance? 51 00:02:17,918 --> 00:02:20,126 Yes, the company is Grey Cross. 52 00:02:20,209 --> 00:02:23,334 They are horrible! Their slogan is "Walk it off." 53 00:02:23,418 --> 00:02:24,668 Hello, all! 54 00:02:24,751 --> 00:02:27,418 I just had a wonderful breakthrough with my therapist. 55 00:02:27,501 --> 00:02:31,084 She told me I may be allergic to toxic people. 56 00:02:31,168 --> 00:02:32,626 Gideon, we gotta talk! 57 00:02:32,709 --> 00:02:34,876 [sneezes] She was right! 58 00:02:34,959 --> 00:02:37,043 What's up with our cheapo health insurance? 59 00:02:37,126 --> 00:02:40,251 I'd think you'd want good coverage, seeing as you're getting up there. 60 00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:42,168 -You are older than me! -Mm! 61 00:02:42,251 --> 00:02:44,626 He doesn't care. He's on a manager plan. 62 00:02:44,709 --> 00:02:46,668 That's how he can afford to see a therapist. 63 00:02:46,751 --> 00:02:48,251 Wait, how does that work? 64 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:51,918 Diane, it is company policy that all non-managerial employees 65 00:02:52,001 --> 00:02:53,418 have basic coverage, 66 00:02:53,501 --> 00:02:56,543 which makes sense, because you are a basic bitch. 67 00:02:56,626 --> 00:02:57,793 [sneezes] 68 00:02:57,876 --> 00:03:00,876 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pop a Benadryl. 69 00:03:00,959 --> 00:03:02,251 Mm! Told you. 70 00:03:02,334 --> 00:03:05,043 Take advantage of any health care you can get, Diane. 71 00:03:05,126 --> 00:03:08,251 I heard you didn't need a mammogram if you had breast implants. 72 00:03:08,334 --> 00:03:10,584 You need to stop getting medical advice 73 00:03:10,668 --> 00:03:12,043 -from Snapple caps! -Mm-hmm! 74 00:03:14,418 --> 00:03:17,001 Daniel, it's time for an adventure! 75 00:03:17,084 --> 00:03:20,334 Please stop calling going to the basement to clear the rat traps an adventure. 76 00:03:20,418 --> 00:03:22,001 No rats today. Huh! 77 00:03:22,084 --> 00:03:25,834 Kreativ Jus is launching a new program to educate children 78 00:03:25,918 --> 00:03:29,418 that juice is the healthy alternative to processed sugars. 79 00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:33,293 Uh. the Raspberry Blaster has more sugar than ten Snickers bars. 80 00:03:33,376 --> 00:03:35,334 It's natural sugar, Daniel! 81 00:03:36,001 --> 00:03:40,626 Corporate assigned each store one school district in the city 82 00:03:40,709 --> 00:03:44,209 to pass out free samples during youth sporting events, 83 00:03:44,293 --> 00:03:47,668 and I want you to be my wingman in the juice van! 84 00:03:47,751 --> 00:03:49,293 Oh, that sounds kinda cool! 85 00:03:49,376 --> 00:03:51,709 You do have a valid driver's license, right? 86 00:03:51,793 --> 00:03:57,209 I do, but my parents never let me drive in the city, or much at all. 87 00:03:57,293 --> 00:03:59,251 They felt it would trigger my anxiety. 88 00:03:59,334 --> 00:04:03,084 Well, my license is suspended due to my younger days. 89 00:04:03,168 --> 00:04:06,959 Let's just say, alcohol and road rage don't mix… 90 00:04:07,043 --> 00:04:08,584 with cocaine and Fentanyl. 91 00:04:08,668 --> 00:04:10,376 You know what? I'm in. 92 00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:12,376 It's time to confront my anxiety-- 93 00:04:12,459 --> 00:04:14,209 -[car horn honks] -Oh my God, horn! 94 00:04:15,251 --> 00:04:16,084 [typing] 95 00:04:16,168 --> 00:04:19,459 Are you looking at that shirtless pic of Hugh Jackman I put on our Pinterest? 96 00:04:19,543 --> 00:04:20,376 Yowza, right? 97 00:04:20,459 --> 00:04:23,501 No, I was confirming my next appointment with Doctor Perlow. 98 00:04:23,584 --> 00:04:26,168 Oh, right, right. Final test results. 99 00:04:26,251 --> 00:04:27,126 Well, not final. 100 00:04:27,209 --> 00:04:30,376 Even if I can't produce the baby myself, we have other options. 101 00:04:30,459 --> 00:04:31,543 There's surrogacy… 102 00:04:31,626 --> 00:04:33,793 I will say I am a little worried about that. 103 00:04:33,876 --> 00:04:36,793 I read in Departures magazine, it's very expensive 104 00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:40,501 and I don't know about me having S-E-X with another woman. 105 00:04:40,584 --> 00:04:42,459 Mark, I told you, that is not how it works. 106 00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:44,293 We don't even need to talk about this. 107 00:04:44,376 --> 00:04:46,668 You have been taking such good care of yourself. 108 00:04:46,751 --> 00:04:48,668 And, may I say, it shows. 109 00:04:48,751 --> 00:04:51,293 That womb is ready to bloom. 110 00:04:51,376 --> 00:04:55,043 Mark, my basal temp is rising. 111 00:04:55,126 --> 00:04:56,459 [purring] 112 00:04:56,543 --> 00:04:59,626 Why don't I check it… with my penis? 113 00:04:59,709 --> 00:05:02,668 Okay, but I have book club in five minutes. 114 00:05:02,751 --> 00:05:05,418 Oh, sounds like someone wants to do it twice. 115 00:05:06,668 --> 00:05:08,043 -[baby crying] -[coughing] 116 00:05:08,126 --> 00:05:12,251 How much longer? The infection is moving from my eye down to my arm. 117 00:05:12,334 --> 00:05:13,209 [dog barking] 118 00:05:13,293 --> 00:05:16,293 Uh, I called earlier about my mammogram gift certificate? 119 00:05:16,376 --> 00:05:18,959 Have a seat and fill out this paperwork. We'll be right with you. 120 00:05:19,043 --> 00:05:23,376 Great! And hey, thanks for "squeezing" me in. 121 00:05:23,459 --> 00:05:27,751 -[cackling] -[dog barking] 122 00:05:28,543 --> 00:05:31,043 I'll, uh… I'll just sit down. 123 00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:35,251 What, are you the doctor too? 124 00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:36,668 I'm a physician's assistant. 125 00:05:36,751 --> 00:05:38,418 Sorry, we're really short-staffed. 126 00:05:39,293 --> 00:05:41,668 So, I gotta put my slammers in that? 127 00:05:41,751 --> 00:05:43,418 Is it gonna burst my implants? 128 00:05:43,501 --> 00:05:46,126 Not yours. They're very dense. 129 00:05:46,209 --> 00:05:47,709 Mm. Much obliged. 130 00:05:47,793 --> 00:05:52,168 Now, I'm going to lower the clamp, so you may feel some pressure. 131 00:05:52,251 --> 00:05:56,376 Okay, this isn't too baaad! [screams in pain] 132 00:05:56,459 --> 00:05:58,918 Oh, sweet Stan Mikita's ghost! 133 00:05:59,626 --> 00:06:00,459 Whoo! 134 00:06:00,543 --> 00:06:03,209 I didn't know my fun bags could take that much squeezing. 135 00:06:03,293 --> 00:06:06,459 And I once got to second base with André the Giant. 136 00:06:06,543 --> 00:06:09,001 So, I'll call you in a couple of days with the results. 137 00:06:09,084 --> 00:06:10,918 [chuckles] You'd think they'd-- Ow! 138 00:06:11,001 --> 00:06:11,876 Come up with a test-- 139 00:06:11,959 --> 00:06:12,793 Ow! 140 00:06:12,876 --> 00:06:14,043 Better than this-- Ow! 141 00:06:14,126 --> 00:06:15,918 Can jammer-- Ow! 142 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,918 Wait, that one's my Juicy Fruit. 143 00:06:18,001 --> 00:06:19,584 [munching] Mm! 144 00:06:19,668 --> 00:06:20,501 [Daniel exhales] 145 00:06:20,584 --> 00:06:23,418 Okay, you got this. It's just driving. 146 00:06:23,501 --> 00:06:26,418 Ready to spread the joy of juice? 147 00:06:26,501 --> 00:06:30,001 Oh wow, you grew a very thin mustache. 148 00:06:30,084 --> 00:06:32,668 Oh, well, I'm reforesting my upper lip 149 00:06:32,751 --> 00:06:35,876 to raise awareness of the deforesting in the Amazon. 150 00:06:35,959 --> 00:06:36,793 [chuckles] 151 00:06:36,876 --> 00:06:42,043 Now, Daniel, I am a sherpa helping you climb the mountain that is vehophobia. 152 00:06:42,126 --> 00:06:44,168 Just… ease into traffic. 153 00:06:44,251 --> 00:06:46,043 -Okay… -[starts engine] 154 00:06:46,626 --> 00:06:47,709 Hey, watch it! 155 00:06:47,793 --> 00:06:50,043 Fuck off, you worthless sack of shit! 156 00:06:50,543 --> 00:06:53,751 -Apologies, Daniel, old habits die hard. -[panting] 157 00:06:54,293 --> 00:06:55,376 [Diane] And one more… 158 00:06:55,459 --> 00:06:57,376 -Wow, girl! Okay! -This is very impressive! 159 00:06:57,459 --> 00:06:58,959 That's a nice little trick. 160 00:06:59,043 --> 00:07:00,834 -[phone ringing] -Zuzs, put it on speaker. 161 00:07:00,918 --> 00:07:02,543 I'm about to break my record. 162 00:07:02,626 --> 00:07:03,459 Yes, I got it. 163 00:07:03,543 --> 00:07:04,751 Go for Diane! 164 00:07:04,834 --> 00:07:07,043 Hello, Diane, it's Cathy from the Nadir Clinic. 165 00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:08,543 I have your mammogram results. 166 00:07:08,626 --> 00:07:12,876 Let me guess, I tested positive for bodacious tatas? 167 00:07:12,959 --> 00:07:13,793 [slurping] 168 00:07:13,876 --> 00:07:16,209 That was funny when you said it in the office as well. 169 00:07:16,293 --> 00:07:19,793 Now, uh, we did find a lump in the upper quadrant of your left breast. 170 00:07:19,876 --> 00:07:20,709 -Uh! -[clatters] 171 00:07:20,793 --> 00:07:21,793 [gasping] 172 00:07:21,876 --> 00:07:23,251 What does that mean? 173 00:07:23,334 --> 00:07:26,168 Most times it's nothing, unless it's something, 174 00:07:26,251 --> 00:07:27,959 and that something could be very bad. 175 00:07:28,043 --> 00:07:30,168 So, I'd like you to come in for an ultrasound. 176 00:07:30,251 --> 00:07:31,584 Holy shit! 177 00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:34,293 Let me run this through your insurance. What's the I.D. number? 178 00:07:34,376 --> 00:07:38,084 Uh… one second. Where is it? Hold on, hold on. Uh… 179 00:07:38,168 --> 00:07:40,293 Okay… Got it. 180 00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:43,793 It's four-six-nine, nice, seven-three-five-six-nine, nice, 181 00:07:43,876 --> 00:07:45,834 three-four-twenty, also nice, five. 182 00:07:46,876 --> 00:07:49,084 Okay. Looks like your policy doesn't cover this. 183 00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:51,376 So, uh, you'd have to pay out of pocket, 184 00:07:51,459 --> 00:07:54,168 which, all said and done, is usually about $3,000. 185 00:07:54,251 --> 00:07:55,918 I don't have that kind of money! 186 00:07:56,001 --> 00:07:57,584 -You could always try a GoFundMe. -Uh! 187 00:07:57,668 --> 00:07:58,501 [body thuds] 188 00:07:58,584 --> 00:08:01,376 Go fund me? Go fund yourself! 189 00:08:01,459 --> 00:08:02,918 -[beep] -[hard rock music sting] 190 00:08:03,001 --> 00:08:05,084 I always thought I'd pass away suddenly 191 00:08:05,168 --> 00:08:07,876 while in a threesome with John and Joan Cusack. 192 00:08:07,959 --> 00:08:09,293 They are related. 193 00:08:09,376 --> 00:08:10,543 Yeah, but I'm not! 194 00:08:10,626 --> 00:08:13,209 It's just a lump, Diane, it's not a death sentence. 195 00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:14,126 You're okay. 196 00:08:14,209 --> 00:08:16,543 I've never dealt with anything like this. 197 00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:17,959 It's terrifying. 198 00:08:18,043 --> 00:08:22,168 Diane, remember what I told you after the Bears lost Super Bowl XLI? 199 00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:24,918 That Peyton Manning looks like a thumb, but would bang? 200 00:08:25,001 --> 00:08:26,876 No, that's what you said. 201 00:08:26,959 --> 00:08:31,043 I said that you were strong and you can get through anything. 202 00:08:31,126 --> 00:08:33,293 You got this because we got you. 203 00:08:33,793 --> 00:08:35,001 Thanks, girls. 204 00:08:35,084 --> 00:08:38,626 This is nice! We never just sit on couch and dish the gossip. 205 00:08:38,709 --> 00:08:40,959 -Okay, not the time, girl. -[Zuzana groans] 206 00:08:43,334 --> 00:08:44,168 [Diane] Huh. 207 00:08:44,251 --> 00:08:45,793 That's a good deal. 208 00:08:45,876 --> 00:08:47,168 Hey, how are you? 209 00:08:47,251 --> 00:08:48,376 I hate driving! 210 00:08:48,459 --> 00:08:51,168 Today, Feather told an ambulance to kill itself! 211 00:08:51,251 --> 00:08:52,418 Daniel, driving's easy. 212 00:08:52,501 --> 00:08:54,834 What did Fast and the Furious teach us? 213 00:08:54,918 --> 00:08:57,626 That a Dodge Charger can outrun a helicopter? 214 00:08:57,709 --> 00:09:01,876 Yes, and always be on offense. That's how the job gets done. 215 00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:03,626 Hey, speaking of jobs, 216 00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:06,001 what's your health insurance sitch at work? 217 00:09:06,084 --> 00:09:06,918 Awful. 218 00:09:07,001 --> 00:09:10,959 Kreativ Jus's benefits are crystal-based, so I stayed on my parents' plan. 219 00:09:11,043 --> 00:09:14,334 Holy shit, that is heavy. Is this real gold? 220 00:09:14,418 --> 00:09:16,334 No, it's just gold-plated. 221 00:09:16,418 --> 00:09:19,501 Wait, why are you asking about insurance? Are you okay? 222 00:09:19,584 --> 00:09:21,126 Daniel, I'm fine. 223 00:09:21,209 --> 00:09:23,834 Could a person who wasn't fine do this? 224 00:09:23,918 --> 00:09:24,751 Rah! 225 00:09:25,751 --> 00:09:28,876 Red Stripe? I haven't had that since… Thanksgiving. 226 00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:32,626 I see a lot of ovarian follicles not responding to hormones. 227 00:09:32,709 --> 00:09:35,126 Well, I-I guess Mark and I should-- 228 00:09:35,209 --> 00:09:37,251 What do you mean I'm not Bonnie Whiddington? 229 00:09:37,334 --> 00:09:39,084 Here's my golden insurance card! 230 00:09:39,168 --> 00:09:40,793 -What the--? -Suburbs rock! 231 00:09:40,876 --> 00:09:43,834 Look at my channel wallet. Golf is a sport. 232 00:09:43,918 --> 00:09:45,126 Diane? 233 00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:46,043 Oh! 234 00:09:46,126 --> 00:09:47,918 Uh… 235 00:09:48,001 --> 00:09:50,584 It's like looking in a mirror! 236 00:09:52,584 --> 00:09:54,709 What were you doing at the doctor, anyways? 237 00:09:54,793 --> 00:09:56,918 Finally getting your cankles taken care of? 238 00:09:57,001 --> 00:09:58,293 I don't have cankles! 239 00:09:58,376 --> 00:09:59,751 Ugh, that's not the point. 240 00:09:59,834 --> 00:10:03,043 I can't believe you didn't tell me what was going on with you, Diane. 241 00:10:03,126 --> 00:10:04,834 I didn't want to worry you! 242 00:10:04,918 --> 00:10:07,459 Look, I'm gonna treat this like cutting hair. 243 00:10:07,543 --> 00:10:09,334 Wing it and hope for the best. 244 00:10:09,418 --> 00:10:10,709 Oh, the hell you are! 245 00:10:10,793 --> 00:10:14,209 I am not letting my sister "hope for the best," 246 00:10:14,293 --> 00:10:16,751 like some kind of Christian Scientist. 247 00:10:16,834 --> 00:10:17,668 [sighs] 248 00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:19,834 I will get you in with my doctor. 249 00:10:19,918 --> 00:10:20,751 Really? 250 00:10:20,834 --> 00:10:24,959 Oh, no, these fertility treatments basically bought her a second home. 251 00:10:25,043 --> 00:10:26,168 She owes me. 252 00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:29,334 Wow, thank you, Bonnie. Truly. 253 00:10:29,418 --> 00:10:31,251 This is such a relief. 254 00:10:31,334 --> 00:10:32,584 Of course. 255 00:10:32,668 --> 00:10:36,918 So… should we grab a carafe of Pinot Gris? 256 00:10:37,001 --> 00:10:38,334 It's 10:00 a.m. 257 00:10:38,418 --> 00:10:39,501 Copy that. 258 00:10:39,584 --> 00:10:40,751 We'll get Merlot. 259 00:10:41,334 --> 00:10:43,001 [horns honking] 260 00:10:44,709 --> 00:10:48,084 [Feather] Remember, just keep your hands at North Star and Solstice. 261 00:10:48,168 --> 00:10:49,793 Don't you mean ten and two? 262 00:10:49,876 --> 00:10:52,293 Well, I only tell time by a sundial. 263 00:10:52,376 --> 00:10:54,251 It's actually much more accurate, you'll see. 264 00:10:54,334 --> 00:10:56,959 -[Daniel yelps] -Goddammit! I'm soaked! 265 00:10:57,043 --> 00:10:58,126 That wasn't my fault! 266 00:10:58,209 --> 00:11:01,209 It's okay. It's okay. I'll just cover it up. 267 00:11:02,001 --> 00:11:02,834 Oh, God! 268 00:11:02,918 --> 00:11:04,209 Suck my whole ass! 269 00:11:04,709 --> 00:11:06,543 Ooh. My blue blockers. 270 00:11:06,626 --> 00:11:08,168 -I've been looking for these. -[panting] 271 00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,626 I can't get over this place, Bon. 272 00:11:10,709 --> 00:11:13,001 They have a valet just for jackets! 273 00:11:13,084 --> 00:11:14,584 It's called a coat check. 274 00:11:14,668 --> 00:11:17,001 Welcome to Northwestern Women's Health. 275 00:11:17,084 --> 00:11:19,626 I'll be bringing out some fresh biscotti in a sec. 276 00:11:19,709 --> 00:11:22,959 But for now, have a seat and make yourself comfortable. 277 00:11:23,043 --> 00:11:25,668 I know where I'd be the most comfortable sitting. 278 00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:28,418 Diane! Oh, thank you so much. 279 00:11:28,501 --> 00:11:32,418 What? That hunk of beefsteak looks just like Rock Johnson. 280 00:11:32,501 --> 00:11:34,918 Oh, I loved him in the new Jumanji movie. 281 00:11:35,001 --> 00:11:36,043 Jumanji? 282 00:11:36,126 --> 00:11:40,293 No, I'm talking about the real Rock Johnson? The porno actor. 283 00:11:40,376 --> 00:11:42,251 [harp playing] 284 00:11:43,084 --> 00:11:45,126 [straining] 285 00:11:45,209 --> 00:11:46,834 Balls, these blankets are heavy. 286 00:11:46,918 --> 00:11:48,251 Who the hell would want--? 287 00:11:48,334 --> 00:11:49,168 [snoring] 288 00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:52,084 -They're weighted for your comfort. -Aah! I'm up! I'm up! 289 00:11:52,168 --> 00:11:53,709 Oh, you must be Diane. 290 00:11:53,793 --> 00:11:55,626 It is so lovely to meet you. 291 00:11:55,709 --> 00:11:58,834 And Bonnie, how are you doing after yesterday? 292 00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:01,209 I'm fine, thank you. Don't want to talk about it. 293 00:12:01,293 --> 00:12:04,126 Okay. Well, here's a mug of soothing jasmine tea. 294 00:12:04,209 --> 00:12:07,751 And the seats are heated, so let me know if you get too toasty. 295 00:12:08,834 --> 00:12:10,918 So, I filled out your paperwork online. 296 00:12:11,001 --> 00:12:13,001 Here are the questions you need to ask when-- 297 00:12:13,084 --> 00:12:15,126 If you don't tell me what's going on with you, 298 00:12:15,209 --> 00:12:17,584 you're gonna get a face full of soothing Aladdin tea! 299 00:12:17,668 --> 00:12:19,043 It's jasmine tea. 300 00:12:19,126 --> 00:12:20,543 Ugh! 301 00:12:20,626 --> 00:12:23,876 All right, the truth is, yesterday when I was here, 302 00:12:23,959 --> 00:12:28,626 I found out that there's no way for me to have another baby, naturally. 303 00:12:28,709 --> 00:12:31,751 Oh, shit. Did you tell Mark? 304 00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:34,293 No. It's so embarrassing! 305 00:12:34,376 --> 00:12:38,209 To admit to your husband that your body is just… done? 306 00:12:38,293 --> 00:12:40,251 He'll understand, Bon. 307 00:12:40,334 --> 00:12:42,334 His body was done years ago. 308 00:12:42,418 --> 00:12:43,751 [chuckling] 309 00:12:43,834 --> 00:12:45,543 Plus, Mark adores you. 310 00:12:45,626 --> 00:12:47,876 And never say your body is done! 311 00:12:47,959 --> 00:12:51,209 If you can't get pregnant, that just means you can fu-- 312 00:12:51,293 --> 00:12:53,126 -Diane, we're ready for you. -[gasps, grunts] 313 00:12:53,209 --> 00:12:55,834 [grunting] 314 00:12:55,918 --> 00:12:57,918 I might have to do the test out here. 315 00:12:59,793 --> 00:13:02,001 Alright Timmy, you're playing shortstop today. 316 00:13:02,084 --> 00:13:03,251 Have fun out there. 317 00:13:04,418 --> 00:13:05,959 Thanks, Coach Davis! 318 00:13:06,043 --> 00:13:08,668 Hey, kids, who wants a free treat? 319 00:13:08,751 --> 00:13:10,251 What the hell? Ugh! 320 00:13:10,334 --> 00:13:11,709 Look at this sick bastard. 321 00:13:11,793 --> 00:13:13,293 Hey! You! Beat it! 322 00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:14,459 Don't worry, sir. 323 00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:17,043 I have something for you to slurp too! 324 00:13:17,126 --> 00:13:18,709 -[gasps] -Get the hell out! 325 00:13:18,793 --> 00:13:20,084 I'm not going anywhere! 326 00:13:20,168 --> 00:13:22,126 I'm here to change these kids forever. 327 00:13:22,209 --> 00:13:24,584 It's time to put something healthy in their mouths! 328 00:13:24,668 --> 00:13:27,668 Hank! Phil! Grab some bats. We got another pervert! 329 00:13:27,751 --> 00:13:29,793 Oh, this… isn't good. 330 00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:31,334 Oh, I'm not-- 331 00:13:31,418 --> 00:13:33,959 -[woman] It's a pervert van! -Uh, no. Oh! Oh… 332 00:13:34,043 --> 00:13:36,084 Oh, no! No, you don't understand. 333 00:13:36,168 --> 00:13:40,043 No, see, my colleague and I were driving and I got covered in juice. 334 00:13:40,126 --> 00:13:41,751 Oh, I bet you did. 335 00:13:41,834 --> 00:13:44,209 Okay, this is a misunderstanding, but I-- 336 00:13:44,293 --> 00:13:45,501 Just drive, Daniel! 337 00:13:45,584 --> 00:13:47,918 -It won't move! -Do you have the parking brake on? 338 00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:50,209 -I don't know what a parking brake is! -Aah! 339 00:13:50,293 --> 00:13:52,501 See? That wasn't so bad. 340 00:13:52,584 --> 00:13:54,876 Here's a towel to wipe off the ultrasound gel. 341 00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:58,876 Oh, I'd like a bottle of that for… personal reasons. 342 00:13:58,959 --> 00:14:01,584 -Diane! -Anyhoo, glad that's done. 343 00:14:01,668 --> 00:14:03,418 So, what's the score? Did I pass? 344 00:14:03,501 --> 00:14:05,459 Well, we still have to look over the images, 345 00:14:05,543 --> 00:14:08,709 but I'll have the results first thing Monday morning. 346 00:14:08,793 --> 00:14:10,459 I gotta wait all weekend? 347 00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,084 Okay. I can do that. 348 00:14:13,168 --> 00:14:15,709 [chuckling] No problemo. 349 00:14:15,793 --> 00:14:16,876 ["Alone" by Heart playing] 350 00:14:16,959 --> 00:14:19,626 ♪ I hear the ticking of the clock ♪ 351 00:14:19,709 --> 00:14:22,834 -♪ I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark ♪ -[grunting] 352 00:14:22,918 --> 00:14:24,709 [clenching teeth] 353 00:14:24,793 --> 00:14:26,959 [grunting] 354 00:14:27,043 --> 00:14:28,418 -[phone ringing] -♪ Fright night ♪ 355 00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:29,626 Doctor Perlow? 356 00:14:29,709 --> 00:14:31,418 Diane! Hope you had a good weekend. 357 00:14:31,501 --> 00:14:34,209 Can't say we did. Our hot tub at the lake house overflowed-- 358 00:14:34,293 --> 00:14:35,709 Ultrasound results, please! 359 00:14:35,793 --> 00:14:37,084 Oh, right, right, yes. 360 00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:40,918 Well, good news. That lump was nothing more than a harmless cyst. 361 00:14:41,001 --> 00:14:42,126 [screams] 362 00:14:42,209 --> 00:14:44,709 Sweet Ditka's dick! What a relief! 363 00:14:44,793 --> 00:14:46,043 However, uh, 364 00:14:46,126 --> 00:14:49,584 your implants are hardened due to a calcium buildup. 365 00:14:49,668 --> 00:14:51,918 Nice! Calcium is good, right? 366 00:14:52,418 --> 00:14:54,459 No, it's-- it's very bad. 367 00:14:54,543 --> 00:14:57,626 Diane, you need to get your breast implants removed. 368 00:14:57,709 --> 00:15:00,001 But I've had these babies for decades. 369 00:15:00,084 --> 00:15:01,126 I could tell! 370 00:15:01,209 --> 00:15:03,751 The serial number on them was 11. 371 00:15:03,834 --> 00:15:06,376 All right. When can I come and knock this out? 372 00:15:06,459 --> 00:15:09,209 Well, I saw you as a favor for your sister, 373 00:15:09,293 --> 00:15:13,001 but unfortunately, I can't do surgery as a favor, so-- 374 00:15:13,084 --> 00:15:14,668 I don't care how much it costs, 375 00:15:14,751 --> 00:15:17,251 I'm not going back to my shitty little clinic! 376 00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:21,459 Okay. Well, these procedures usually run about 50 grand. 377 00:15:21,543 --> 00:15:25,126 Um, and to finish, the doctor will use a more economic technique 378 00:15:25,209 --> 00:15:29,126 called "battlefield stitches" to close up your skin and 379 00:15:29,209 --> 00:15:30,043 patch up any-- 380 00:15:30,126 --> 00:15:32,584 Yeah, yeah, how much is this gonna set me back? 381 00:15:32,668 --> 00:15:34,834 [Cathy] Uh, about $10,000. 382 00:15:34,918 --> 00:15:36,209 Hold, please. 383 00:15:37,043 --> 00:15:38,376 Ten grand?! 384 00:15:38,459 --> 00:15:40,334 Where am I supposed to come up with that?! 385 00:15:40,418 --> 00:15:42,626 I would say get into foot-camming, 386 00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:46,043 but the market is over saturated now, believe me. 387 00:15:46,126 --> 00:15:49,459 So, your next best option is to apply for a medical loan. 388 00:15:49,543 --> 00:15:52,584 Mm-mm! Diane, the terms of this loan are terrible. 389 00:15:52,668 --> 00:15:56,251 I know! They say I have to be an organ donor pre-mortem. 390 00:15:56,334 --> 00:16:00,709 But it's my only option because someone doesn't care about his employees. 391 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:04,418 Diane, I'm sorry this is how it is, but it's not me. It's corporate. 392 00:16:04,501 --> 00:16:05,959 You are corporate! 393 00:16:06,043 --> 00:16:09,084 Yep, she's right, Gideon. Our plan is terrible. 394 00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:11,626 I had to take out my own appendix. 395 00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:13,501 I'm sorry, it's not my call. 396 00:16:13,584 --> 00:16:15,043 My hands are tied. 397 00:16:15,126 --> 00:16:16,418 [sighs] 398 00:16:16,501 --> 00:16:17,418 Kinky. 399 00:16:18,793 --> 00:16:19,751 Uh… 400 00:16:19,834 --> 00:16:20,834 Today has been a lot. 401 00:16:20,918 --> 00:16:24,584 What do you say we close up early and grab a cocktail? My treat. 402 00:16:24,668 --> 00:16:27,501 Thanks, Gideon, but I'm not really in the mood. 403 00:16:27,584 --> 00:16:28,418 [all gasp] 404 00:16:28,501 --> 00:16:30,543 Oh, Lord, this is bad. 405 00:16:31,626 --> 00:16:33,168 [child] May I have some juice, please? 406 00:16:33,251 --> 00:16:34,293 Of course, you can. 407 00:16:34,376 --> 00:16:36,376 The best part is, it's all natural. 408 00:16:36,459 --> 00:16:37,459 Gimme another one! 409 00:16:37,543 --> 00:16:38,459 You got it. 410 00:16:38,543 --> 00:16:40,084 Good call on changing up schools. 411 00:16:40,168 --> 00:16:41,834 Today's going better than yesterday. 412 00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,543 They can't get enough of the stuff. 413 00:16:43,626 --> 00:16:47,709 Yeah. I think they're kinda… wound up on all the sugar. 414 00:16:47,793 --> 00:16:48,918 More juice! More juice! 415 00:16:49,001 --> 00:16:50,668 -Okay. Settle down, kids. -Juice! 416 00:16:50,751 --> 00:16:53,251 There's enough for everyone. Wow! 417 00:16:53,334 --> 00:16:55,876 Alright kids, this is our first away game of the season, 418 00:16:55,959 --> 00:16:57,334 so let's show them what-- 419 00:16:57,418 --> 00:16:58,834 Oh my God! 420 00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:01,959 Hey! You think I wouldn't recognize you in your new get-up? 421 00:17:02,043 --> 00:17:03,459 What, are you following us? 422 00:17:03,543 --> 00:17:05,043 Sir, I can explain. 423 00:17:05,126 --> 00:17:06,668 This doesn't concern you, glasses! 424 00:17:06,751 --> 00:17:09,001 Is he a bad stranger, Coach Davis? 425 00:17:09,084 --> 00:17:10,376 He sure is, Braydon. 426 00:17:10,459 --> 00:17:11,293 [whistles] 427 00:17:11,376 --> 00:17:12,751 -[Braydon] Get him! -[clamoring] 428 00:17:12,834 --> 00:17:14,876 Ow! Be careful, I have soft ribs. 429 00:17:14,959 --> 00:17:17,751 -This isn't good. -Ow! 430 00:17:17,834 --> 00:17:19,959 Thanks for taking me to my surgery. 431 00:17:20,043 --> 00:17:22,918 I'm impressed that you wanted to get to the clinic so early. 432 00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:25,626 Actually, I wanted to give my gals a little send-off. 433 00:17:25,709 --> 00:17:28,668 Kind of a "Thanks for the mammaries" for Moe and Larry. 434 00:17:28,751 --> 00:17:30,376 That's what you named them? 435 00:17:30,459 --> 00:17:32,626 Me? Oh, no, Dan Aykroyd did. 436 00:17:33,668 --> 00:17:35,751 [gentle music playing] 437 00:17:35,834 --> 00:17:37,543 This is where I fell overboard, 438 00:17:37,626 --> 00:17:39,668 and these handfuls kept me afloat. 439 00:17:41,168 --> 00:17:44,543 Oh! That's where I told those Marines we got Bin Laden. 440 00:17:44,626 --> 00:17:46,334 Thank you for your service! 441 00:17:46,418 --> 00:17:48,501 At least I think they were Marines. 442 00:17:48,584 --> 00:17:51,709 And that's where I got motorboated by Harry Caray. 443 00:17:53,001 --> 00:17:53,834 [gasps] 444 00:17:53,918 --> 00:17:56,793 His heart stopped for almost ten minutes. 445 00:17:56,876 --> 00:18:00,001 ["Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)" by Cinderella playing] 446 00:18:00,084 --> 00:18:03,668 ♪ Don't know what you got 'til it's gone ♪ 447 00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:07,043 And that's where it all started. 448 00:18:07,126 --> 00:18:10,293 The doctor's office where I got these yabbos put in. 449 00:18:10,876 --> 00:18:13,543 That's a shame that it's a taquería now. 450 00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,251 No, it was always a taquería. 451 00:18:16,334 --> 00:18:17,834 [sighs] 452 00:18:17,918 --> 00:18:19,376 I'm gonna miss these honkers. 453 00:18:19,918 --> 00:18:22,834 Well, at least your insurance is covering the procedure. 454 00:18:22,918 --> 00:18:26,043 Yeah… Hey, did you tell Mark yet? 455 00:18:26,126 --> 00:18:26,959 Not yet. 456 00:18:27,459 --> 00:18:30,084 Bon, there's so much good ahead for you. 457 00:18:30,168 --> 00:18:32,251 And you don't need a baby for that. 458 00:18:32,334 --> 00:18:33,793 Aw, thanks, Diane. 459 00:18:34,459 --> 00:18:37,668 And you don't need those babies for good things either. 460 00:18:37,751 --> 00:18:41,376 Wah! Sweet Lord, those things are rock-hard! 461 00:18:41,459 --> 00:18:43,251 [chuckles] Yeah, it's not good. 462 00:18:43,334 --> 00:18:45,293 -[intense music playing] -Good job, Timmy. 463 00:18:45,376 --> 00:18:46,876 Work as a team, boys. 464 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,793 -Get outta here! -[engine not starting] 465 00:18:50,376 --> 00:18:52,376 Daniel, put your foot on the brake! 466 00:18:52,459 --> 00:18:55,084 I did! It's still not working! 467 00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,293 -We don't have time! Hit the gas! -[kids growling] 468 00:18:57,376 --> 00:18:59,334 -[screeching] -[groans] 469 00:18:59,418 --> 00:19:00,959 Oh my God! Feather! 470 00:19:01,043 --> 00:19:01,918 [screams] 471 00:19:02,001 --> 00:19:05,043 [groaning] Daniel… you need to get me to a doctor. 472 00:19:05,126 --> 00:19:07,418 I think I broke a couple bones. 473 00:19:07,501 --> 00:19:09,709 Be on offense, like The Rock Johnson! 474 00:19:09,793 --> 00:19:11,918 -[intense music playing] -What, the porno actor? 475 00:19:12,001 --> 00:19:14,043 -[Davis] There he is! Get him! -[kids growl] 476 00:19:14,126 --> 00:19:14,959 And stay out! 477 00:19:16,584 --> 00:19:17,751 How are you feeling? 478 00:19:17,834 --> 00:19:21,459 Not bad. I did some pre-anesthesia edibles in the elevator. 479 00:19:21,543 --> 00:19:22,751 Oh, jealous! 480 00:19:23,334 --> 00:19:27,418 Well, all that's left for you to do now is sign these loan papers. 481 00:19:27,501 --> 00:19:29,959 Right. Let's get it over with. 482 00:19:30,751 --> 00:19:32,834 Don't sign anything! 483 00:19:32,918 --> 00:19:34,084 She's covered. 484 00:19:34,168 --> 00:19:35,501 How did you get back here? 485 00:19:35,584 --> 00:19:37,168 There's no one up front. 486 00:19:37,251 --> 00:19:39,459 Damn it! We have to hire a temp. 487 00:19:40,251 --> 00:19:42,001 I thought only managers were covered. 488 00:19:42,084 --> 00:19:45,793 Well, someone at Borough just made you a manager. 489 00:19:45,876 --> 00:19:49,043 Oh, hell yeah! Gideon, you're fired! 490 00:19:49,126 --> 00:19:51,168 Oh, it was me, you goofy fool! 491 00:19:51,251 --> 00:19:55,168 And to be clear, you have no additional authority at work. Okay? 492 00:19:56,334 --> 00:19:58,709 Seriously, Gideon, thank you! 493 00:19:59,334 --> 00:20:01,376 I will never forget this. 494 00:20:01,959 --> 00:20:04,793 Ugh. And I'll never forget the sight of you in this gown! 495 00:20:04,876 --> 00:20:06,918 You know you have it on backwards, right? 496 00:20:07,001 --> 00:20:09,084 [intense music continues] 497 00:20:09,168 --> 00:20:10,668 Grr! 498 00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:13,584 Daniel… I don't think I'm gonna make it. 499 00:20:13,668 --> 00:20:15,709 Feather, don't you die on me! 500 00:20:15,793 --> 00:20:18,376 Out of my way, you douche penis! 501 00:20:18,959 --> 00:20:20,834 Less meals, more wheels! 502 00:20:20,918 --> 00:20:23,834 Yes! The open road is my bitch! 503 00:20:26,043 --> 00:20:29,084 I brought Diane some White Castle. Oof! 504 00:20:29,168 --> 00:20:31,001 It is pungent! [grunts] 505 00:20:31,084 --> 00:20:32,209 Burns the throat. 506 00:20:32,293 --> 00:20:35,334 I gotta say, I'm glad we won't be having our baby in a place like this. 507 00:20:35,418 --> 00:20:37,793 -[customer grunts] -I mean, where's the harpist? 508 00:20:37,876 --> 00:20:39,959 Mark, I have to tell you something. 509 00:20:41,251 --> 00:20:43,043 When I went to the doctor, she told me, 510 00:20:43,126 --> 00:20:45,668 there's no way for us to have children naturally. 511 00:20:45,751 --> 00:20:47,043 My body just can't do it. 512 00:20:47,126 --> 00:20:49,043 Oh, Bon, sweetheart. 513 00:20:49,543 --> 00:20:50,751 It's okay. 514 00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:52,751 I'm open to trying anything. 515 00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:53,959 We can do surrogacy-- 516 00:20:54,043 --> 00:20:57,918 Oh, oh! I just listened to a fascinating Fresh Air about cloning. 517 00:20:58,001 --> 00:21:00,501 Terry Gross interviewed this sheep and I-- 518 00:21:00,584 --> 00:21:02,459 Mark, it's fine. 519 00:21:02,543 --> 00:21:04,293 You know, I've thought about it, 520 00:21:04,376 --> 00:21:07,626 and maybe it's not our time to have another kid. 521 00:21:08,126 --> 00:21:10,584 There's a lot of good things in our life. 522 00:21:10,668 --> 00:21:14,626 Let's just appreciate the people we have with us here now. 523 00:21:14,709 --> 00:21:15,668 You're sure? 524 00:21:15,751 --> 00:21:16,834 I am. 525 00:21:16,918 --> 00:21:18,668 Help! Help, please! 526 00:21:18,751 --> 00:21:19,793 [groaning] 527 00:21:19,876 --> 00:21:22,959 Where's the oxy? I know you have oxy! 528 00:21:23,043 --> 00:21:25,209 -Hey, kiddo. -What are you doing here? 529 00:21:25,293 --> 00:21:26,793 Diane's in surgery. 530 00:21:26,876 --> 00:21:27,959 I'm sorry, what? 531 00:21:28,043 --> 00:21:31,584 It's no big deal, she just has to get her implants out. 532 00:21:31,668 --> 00:21:32,584 Moe and Larry? 533 00:21:32,668 --> 00:21:35,001 How come no one told me she was having surgery? 534 00:21:35,084 --> 00:21:36,626 We didn't want to worry you! 535 00:21:36,709 --> 00:21:39,418 I don't want to be treated like a fragile flower anymore! 536 00:21:39,501 --> 00:21:42,584 I drove here! On highways! Like a boss! 537 00:21:42,668 --> 00:21:44,584 Are you the one that ran over your friend? 538 00:21:44,668 --> 00:21:45,876 I am. Is he okay? 539 00:21:45,959 --> 00:21:46,876 Yeah, he'll be fine. 540 00:21:46,959 --> 00:21:48,459 That's fantastic, thank you. 541 00:21:48,543 --> 00:21:50,793 You two were so worried about me freaking out, 542 00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:53,459 you waited to tell me you were trying to have another kid! 543 00:21:53,543 --> 00:21:54,876 We're not doing that anymore. 544 00:21:54,959 --> 00:21:56,293 What? Since when? 545 00:21:56,376 --> 00:21:57,584 Like, two minutes ago. 546 00:21:58,168 --> 00:21:59,126 Oh. 547 00:21:59,209 --> 00:22:01,584 Okay, well, thank you for telling me. 548 00:22:02,668 --> 00:22:04,876 [moaning, muffled] 549 00:22:04,959 --> 00:22:07,001 -[Diane] Mm? -["Turn up the Radio by Autograph plays] 550 00:22:07,084 --> 00:22:09,459 I knew there'd be kick-ass rock in heaven. 551 00:22:09,543 --> 00:22:10,959 Aunt Diane, you're fine. 552 00:22:11,043 --> 00:22:13,001 I DM'd the station. Listen! 553 00:22:13,084 --> 00:22:15,209 [Dank] That last one was for Dirty Diane! 554 00:22:15,293 --> 00:22:17,334 Comin' up next, we got a couple of juicy GILFS 555 00:22:17,418 --> 00:22:20,751 who are gonna see how many White Claw cans they can stuff in their mouths. 556 00:22:20,834 --> 00:22:23,168 There's no way those bitches can out-stuff me! 557 00:22:23,251 --> 00:22:25,668 -God, Diane, your gown is… -How is that show still on? 558 00:22:25,751 --> 00:22:27,709 [Diane] This is what I'm meant to do! 559 00:22:27,793 --> 00:22:31,293 ♪ Turn up the radio ♪ 560 00:22:31,918 --> 00:22:36,209 ♪ I need the music Gimme some more ♪ 561 00:22:36,293 --> 00:22:40,543 ♪ Turn up the radio ♪ 562 00:22:40,626 --> 00:22:44,459 ♪ I want to feel it got to Gimme some more ♪ 563 00:22:47,501 --> 00:22:49,168 ♪ Now listen! ♪ 564 00:22:49,668 --> 00:22:53,001 ♪ I want to shake, I want to dance ♪ 565 00:22:53,501 --> 00:22:56,584 ♪ So count it off a one, two, three ♪ 566 00:22:58,209 --> 00:23:01,709 ♪ I feel the beat, I'm in a trance ♪ 567 00:23:02,793 --> 00:23:05,709 ♪ No better place to be ♪ 568 00:23:06,793 --> 00:23:10,709 ♪ Daytime nighttime, anytime ♪ 569 00:23:11,376 --> 00:23:12,626 ♪ Things go better… ♪