[electricity crackling]
[thrilling music playing]
[announcer] Welcome back to Smelt Tank.
Now entering the Smelt Tank,
local entrepreneurs Diane Dunbrowski and Gideon Duchamp,
who are looking to smooth things out with their lotion business, Congeal.
Gideon, relax, you look like you're gonna faint.
-[whispering] I'm fine, just go. -Um…
Welcome to frickin' gorgeous city, population you three.
[judges laughing]
If you woulda told me that one day I'd be pitching to the Smelts,
I would've told you to stop mixing your Ambien with White Claw.
[laughing]
[anxiously] Move on.
Anywho's the Boss…
Cream team, hit them with the samples.
Now, I ain't great at all the business talk,
so I'm gonna pass it over
-to my little ticklish friend, Gideon. -[giggling]
Okay. All right.
Smelts, we have a state-of-the-art production facility,
a direct supply line to our main ingredients,
and a product that people are raving about.
We are perfectly teed up to take this to the next level.
What we need is access to major buyers who can help us get there.
So, whaddya say?
We dealt it. Do you wanna smelt it?
[judges laughing]
I think this stuff feels great,
but I don't know the cosmetics field.
My business is pizza, some salads, obviously pop.
Anyway, I'm out.
[tense music playing]
Yeah, I'll piggyback on that.
My business is mostly sub-oriented.
-Do they only pick food ideas? -[Mr. Submarine] Subs, chips…
It is Chicago.
So unfortunately, I'm out.
Mm…
[tense music playing]
And then there was one.
Look, I'm a pasta girl.
-I have a whole line of sauces, noodles. -Come on, Rancic, you too?
But I also have a cosmetics line, so I know my lotion.
And you two are quite the combination.
This firecracker sets 'em up and this handsome hunk knocks 'em down.
Next week is Cosmecon,
the biggest cosmetics convention in the Midwest.
Where's she going with this?
And I could guarantee you a booth at the convention
and a slot on the big stage
to showcase your product in front of thousands of people.
-[Giuliana] Congeal… -Ah shit, she's out.
…you have a deal!
[cheering]
-Yeah, we did it! -We did it!
Aah!
Oh my God!
-I'll give him mouth-to-mouth. -No! I'm fine! I'm fine!
[theme music playing]
Stop churning, Mikey, it's not butter. Go clockwise.
-Aah… -Make a circle.
Oh! Ten-four!
How's our bottle count, ladies?
Like my breasts before children. Very high.
Fantastic!
Hold up-- You have kids?
And no one's getting that recipe without going through me!
Again, we don't need you to guard it.
[Gabriella] Who wants rib tips?
-[Mikey] Oh, oh, oh! -I do! Smells good!
Mwah.
New mock-up for the logo looks great, Daniel.
Thanks! Diane gave it "two farts up," but I didn't know if that was good or bad.
Speaking of, where is she?
We have an important announcement to make.
-[tires screeching] -[loud crash]
[groans]
[Daniel gasps]
Sorry, gang! Barack's in town and traffic's a nightmare.
Thanks, Obama.
[groans]
Anyhoo, did I miss it?
Did you tell Daniel we made him a partner?
What?!
I was waiting to do it together, like we planned.
Daniel, we have decided to officially name you Artistic Director
and give you 10% of the company.
Oh my God! Uh!
What should I say? I'm not great off the cuff.
You don't have to say anything, it's just an announcement.
Right. Sorry, boss.
I'm not your boss.
And again, stop saluting people.
-[Diane] Mm? -Diane, can we talk?
Absotootly!
Gimme two secs, though. I'm smelling rib tips.
Diane, Cosmecon is this weekend and I need you showing up on time!
-[phone chimes] -Copy that, partner.
Oh my God, Diane! Check your email!
-Why? You check it for the both of us. -[sighs]
Girl, Borough just sent us an offer to buy us out!
Holy shit! Gideon, we're rich!
I can get new tits, new teeth, new ass.
Mm. What else?
We are not taking this deal.
Say that again in my good ear.
Oh! New ears!
This offer is small potatoes.
With the exposure we're about to get at Cosmecon,
we have a chance at landing a deal ten times this amount.
It's time to think big, girl!
I always do.
Please, don't say it.
I'm talkin' 'bout cock, my friend.
[laughing]
Diane, girl, you is nasty.
And your shirt is covered in rib sauce.
Joke's on you. That's marinara from last week.
Mm!
Honey, have I told you lately how much I love my new job?
Oh, hey, hon.
What's with the lights?
And is the air off? It is boiling in here.
I didn't notice.
You're drenched in sweat. What is going on?
Honestly, Bon, our new incomes aren't cutting it.
After the cost of gas, cleaning, and fender benders,
I'm barely breaking even.
Eh… Oh!
We could have a yard sale.
"A yard sale"?
Our lawn is Kentucky bluegrass, it can't handle all that foot traffic.
We need real money.
We need to seriously talk about offloading--
Don't say offloading assets.
That's a last resort.
Let's double down.
I'll take every event the London Brothers have.
I'm already driving eight hours a day, but I guess I could go to 12.
[Bonnie] Mm.
Or 16.
That's the spirit! We can do this, Mark!
[exhales]
Enjoy your Bamboo Blaster.
I threw in some extra crickets.
Danny-bananny. Ha-ha!
So, I'm having a party.
It's nothing big, just some good friends.
Feather, wow! That's really nice of you.
See, we don't just work together, we're friends.
Oh. No. Um…
I meant, I need you to close up the store for me Friday night.
Friday? Oh. I actually can't. I have Cosmecon.
I'm sorry, Taurus must be rising because I'm not communicating well today.
I wasn't asking.
Hate to play the boss card, but I need you.
Oh my God. I just realized, I have a boss card now.
No, uh…
I was miming playing my boss card.
You can't then use it back on me.
Feather, I mean this in the nicest way possible.
I quit. [chuckles]
I mean, goodbye.
Mm.
[humming]
Good, you're home early!
Now that we finally struck it rich, I'm finally putting in the hot tub!
That's a bad idea.
Also, I'm home early because I quit my job!
Fuck yeah!
Right? It's time to spread my wings!
I mean, how pathetic is it that my life has been just work and this apartment?
Yeah! Now your life's gonna be only this apartment.
Oh, that's not what I meant.
My friend, we're about to go from Hagar Van Halen, which rocks,
to David Lee Roth Van Halen, which double rocks!
Yes, that's a lot of rocking.
Now, spread those wings and grab that miter saw.
This tub's going in-ground.
[tires screeching]
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!
Excuse me, how much did you pay for those laserdiscs?
Eight bucks.
For Junior and Twins?
Congratulations! Deal of the century!
You have them on DVD and Blu-ray.
I thought we said no yard sale.
We were gonna double down on our jobs, remember?
I just pulled an 18-hour shift!
I got three flat tires!
I am doubling down!
I have a gig at the Cosmecon tomorrow. I'm trying to make this work.
Hey, how much for this?
We are not gonna be able to pay our mortgage selling our Slap Chop!
-Hmm. -We need to put the condo on the market.
Fine. I will see Diane tomorrow at Cosmecon
and I will tell her in person that we're broke and we have to evict her.
-Okay, Mark? -Sorry, how much for this?
Oh my God, just take it!
Yard sale is over!
[air hissing]
Great! Four for four!
Without further ado,
I'll hand the floor over to my amazing partner,
Gideon Duchamp-champ-champ…
[giggles] Good rehearsal, Diane.
And obviously, on the day, you won't be doing the Pac-Man thing.
Ms. Pac-Man. Sexist.
Tomorrow, we bring our A-game. Get a good night of rest.
Gonna sleep like a baby.
I got earplugs for Fucks Loud Sophie.
Well, if this weekend goes well,
you won't have to deal with this sad shack anymore.
Ha! Yeah, right! I'm never leaving this place.
I've already broken ground on the hot tub.
Your life is about to change, bish.
Get ready for a whole new Diane! 'Night.
What's wrong with the old Diane?
-[Fucks Loud Sophie moaning loudly] -Hmm.
[Diane] I didn't know there was this many types of cosmetics.
All I use is a chunk of Dial soap and a bar rag.
Don't get distracted by all those no-names.
Focus on the heavies. There's L'Oréal, Costco, CVS--
-An open bar! -Diane, no! Professional, remember?
Yeah, yeah. No booze, no cooze, no weed, no speed.
-No coke, no crack, no smack, no jack-- -We get it.
Here are your passes and your hotel room keys.
Comped rooms? Hell yeah!
Bidet all day, baby!
And Daniel, they've asked you to speak on the Artistic Directors' panel
in half an hour.
I'm on the panel?
Like, I have to talk… in front of people?
Hell yeah, Danny Boy!
Okay, I can do this.
Just gonna google if there's a TED talk about how to give a talk, I guess.
Be cool. Costco, one o'clock.
We're going to Costco at 1:00? I gotta borrow Zuzana's card.
You must be Diane and Gideon.
A lot of buzz about Congeal amongst the big-box stores.
[laughs]
-"Big box--" -Uh, thank you for stopping by.
I hope you can make the presentation tomorrow.
Absolutely. Then, I have to take off right away.
-You know the life of an executive. -Sure do!
Mo money, mo hot tub problems. [laughs]
No, I just meant all the travel.
Anyway, I am looking forward to mañana.
We can't be doing all that traveling.
Zuzana said she won't cover any more of my shifts.
Sugar, when we make this sale,
you are not gonna be working at Borough anymore.
We're gonna be worldwide, baby!
-[laughs] -Mm.
Mm?
Mm.
You're not the boss of me.
Mm. Mm.
Hi, I'm Bonnie. I'm here for the--
Great, the model is here.
Model? Wow.
Well, I was crowned Miss Teen I-55 in high school, so--
Uh…
Is someone going to do my makeup?
"Before" models do their own faces.
[sighs]
-No! That's for "after" models only. -Ow!
[audience laughing]
Because we think the real product is people.
Does that make sense?
So well said, Caden.
Now, let's turn to a new brand, Congeal,
and their own 18-year-old Daniel Whiddington.
Present!
[moderator] Yikes!
So, Daniel, you bypassed college and got into cosmetics with your aunt
who called this a, quote, "rags to bitches" story.
So, how does that laissez faire approach affect your back-end numbers?
Ha-ha. "Back end."
-Sorry. Um… [clears throat] I mean-- -[mic feedback]
Sorry! I'm sorry.
Where was I?
Um…
So, sales…
Ah!
What are sales?
I think that's great.
What are sales?
They're nothing.
What are people? Everything!
-[crowd applause] -Does that make sense?
And our churn rate went bananas,
once I implemented evergreen marketing at Target.
Yeah, I like to go into Target and wear a red polo shirt
so it looks like I work there, and then fuck with everyone.
Ugh!
[Bonnie] Can I get a glass of chardonnay with a pinot grigio topper?
-Bonnie? What are you doing here? -Uh!
Oh! Are you planning one of your big, fancy events?
Eh… Yes. I am helping coordinate all the--
Hey, those thin lips are on in two.
In a minute.
Whoa, you have a whole staff?
You're really killin' it, Bon.
Look at us, couple of Chicago slobs,
lathering ourselves up with all these frou-frou beauty types.
Congeal, the Dallas market is super excited about you!
Yeah, we'll see.
Wow. It's really happening for you, isn't it?
Big changes.
Yeah, well, not really changes,
more like improvements that keep everything the same.
I'm not going anywhere, Bon.
Right.
Uh…
Diane, I need to tell you something.
Hello, Bonnie.
Diane, Windy City Alive wants an interview with the both of us, now.
So, pop an Altoid. Okay? Come on.
-[exhales, sniffs] -Sorry, Bon. We'll catch up later.
But I'm proud of you! Proud of us!
Hmm.
Can I get a rosé on the side?
We are here with Congeal, the stars of this year's Cosmecon.
Always great to see a Chi-Town-born company!
Well, Chicago may be where we began,
but it is not where we're gonna end.
We're goin' global, baby. [chuckles]
But we also want to stay local.
Maybe in a couple years expand to the 'burbs.
Well, we're thinking a bit bigger than just the 'burbs.
Sure. Maybe we hit lower Wisconsin.
What she's trying to say is
that Congeal transcends geography.
Well, we need to "Beat It,"
but I will say, I tried a sample and I was one "Smooth Criminal."
And cut.
Lose the Michael Jackson thing. I have to stop doing that.
What was that? We have to be on the same page.
"Set 'em up, knock 'em down." Remember?
May I remind you, you're not my boss anymore?
This is a partnership.
Yeah, well, one of us hasn't been doing their part.
I mean, you don't even check your emails.
I don't know how!
And by the way, you're obsessed with emails.
Okay, look, just remember to behave at the mixer tonight. Please?
Relax, my whole life's a mixer.
-Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. -Mm.
Is this product supposed to make my lips numb?
[phone ringing]
-Hello? -Did you talk to your sister?
Not yet, I haven't had the chance.
-Can you speed up? She's crowning! -[cat growling]
Well, you'd better do it soon because I can't do this much longer!
I'll tell her tomorrow, okay?
Okay, stop with the sexy voice! Just take care of it!
Oh, it's happening! I can tell this is gonna be a violent birth!
-Oh, good Jesus! -[cat growling]
Two Old Styles, please.
We only have Stella Artois.
Eh, bonjour, I don't speak French.
-Ugh. -I'll take two.
Are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine. Gideon's the one who's all stressed out.
Okay, maybe go one for one with water?
Daniel, right? It's Caden.
Yes! Oh my God. Thank you so much for bailing me out up there.
[chuckling] No worries, man.
Hey, we're hanging out over by the Evian facial mist tent.
Do you wanna join us?
Definitely! Would it be okay if I go over there and network for a bit?
Yeah, go and have some fun, honey.
-Diane? -[coughs]
Hey! This beer has alcohol in it!
Ooh. Who's this hottie boom body?
This is Duane Reade, the CEO of Walgreens.
Oh! You guys got the best sushi!
We were just discussing Walgreens' foray into more artisanal cosmetics.
-We love products that have a story. -["Flashdance… What a Feeling" plays]
-The distribution curve for a small-- -Oh, no way!
The song from Dirty Dancing!
Dirty Dancing?
-Come on, Duane, let's go! -I--
I don't think they want anyone to dance, Diane!
[girl] So, is this your first convention?
[chuckles] Was it that obvious? I felt so out of place up there.
Hey, you did great!
Besides, you don't want to be like those people.
I mean, 18 and already an entrepreneur?
Mwah! Chef's kiss.
But sometimes I kinda feel like I missed out by not going to college.
Oh, ew. You missed nothing.
It was all, like, parties and drinking.
Only thing I remember from college
is coming home at 3:00 a.m. and making out with her.
And with him. [chuckles]
We all made out so much.
Ha, ha. Yeah, that sounds… lame.
-[hissing] -[whimpers]
Uh, I don't remember this part from the movie.
What about this part?
[Gideon] Not the lift. It's so dangerous!
And it's from an entirely different movie!
-[Duane] No! -♪ What a feeling ♪
-[yells] -No, no, no!
[thud]
Oh, that was awful.
-[groans] -[clamoring]
Nobody puts Baby on the corner!
Ow…
That image of your vagina will haunt me to my grave!
Relax, you sound like my dentist.
Diane, that was a disaster!
You're lucky we still have the Borough deal
because at this rate, we're not gonna have any options after the presentation!
Oh, I passed on that.
What?!
You said to be a partner, so I checked my email and did my part!
You wet-brained fool!
You said it was small potatoes!
Yes, but they were the only potatoes we had!
Now, we have no potatoes!
Okay, all this potato talk has got me hungry.
I'm gonna order some tots.
You know, I would be fine if the only life you ruined was your own,
but that's never the case, is it?
You have to bring down everyone around you.
Everybody. It's a sickness! You're sick!
Hey! I don't need this bullshit!
I was perfectly happy until you took my product
and tried to make it something it's not.
I'm not gonna let you do the same to me!
You best be headed to your room
because that presentation tomorrow is our last hope!
And put on some goddamn underwear!
Now, you sound like my eye doctor!
[wind howling]
[sighs]
[blows]
[gentle music playing]
Daniel! Where the hell is Diane?!
I don't know. I thought the plan was to meet here.
No, I know the plan, I made the plan!
Call her, she's not picking up for me.
On it.
[phone vibrates]
You okay, lady?
Ugh…
Is this Heaven?
Nope. It's Chicago.
Holy cow! Barack Obama!
Oh my God, I frickin' love you!
I voted for you, like, six times!
You're looking a little beat up.
At first, I thought you were a wet fur coat.
Yeah, I had a rough night.
I can see. You want to talk about it?
[whimpering]
Okay. She's not in her room.
She's not at the omelette bar, she's not at the waffle bar.
She's not at the bar bar!
Oh, sweet Lord Jesus, this cannot be happening!
I need her! She's the Penn to my Teller!
Or maybe she's Teller, I don't know.
Which one doesn't shut the fuck up?
[Giuliana] We're gonna take a short break, but up next is Congeal!
I'll check the bathroom!
Women's and men's!
Mm.
Okay, Bonnie, prep any poses that accentuate your cellulite.
Uh…
Yeah, that's perfect.
[phone ringing]
Hello!
Mark, I can't do this anymore.
Me neither!
Because my car was just stolen by a group of teenagers
in Muncie, Indiana!
[Bonnie] What? Are you okay?
No, I am not!
[sighs]
It's over. Put the condo on the market.
Already did! I love you!
[sighs]
Hey, cellulite, we're ready for you.
Oh, fuck off. I quit!
[solemn music playing]
And then he tells me we're not gonna be in Chicago anymore.
I mean, who in their right mind would leave this place?
Well, I did.
Yeah, but that's different. You had to for your career.
So…
Oh!
Okay, you walked me into that one.
Diane, you just have to remember that change is a part of life,
and embracing that change doesn't mean you're not being yourself.
Whoa! I wish you could give this presentation!
Not happening. Speaking of which, when does that start?
Not until, like, 11:00.
Well, it's 10:55.
Ah, shit! I gotta go!
Hey, is there any way I can get a ride?
Yes. You. Can.
Thanks, Obama.
Shotgun!
-Freeze! -Get on the ground!
When I saw these two on Smelt Tank, I knew I had netted a winner. [chuckles]
Chicago Cosmecon, please welcome to the stage, Congeal!
-[man 1] Yes, alright! -[man 2] Woo-hoo!
[crowd cheering]
Hello! Who's ready to freakin' party while… also moisturizing?
[crowd muttering]
Okay then.
My name is Gideon Duchamp.
Or as Pac-Man would say,
Gideon Duchamp-champ-champ-champ. [chuckles]
[silence]
Actually, it was Ms. Pac-Man.
Does that help the joke?
-[audience groans] -[man] Come on.
Don't faint, don't you fucking faint!
[sighs]
Hello, Cosmecon!
-Thank God! -[crowd cheering]
Who's ready to frickin' party while moisturizing?
Come on, everyone on your feet!
-[dance music playing] -Ta-da-da-da!
Talking to you, mustache. Ta-da-da-da!
On your feet, glasses!
Ta-da-da-da-da!
Y'all ready for Congeal?
That's what I'm talkin' about.
-Okay, let's get real. -[crowd cheering]
I started making lotion as a way to give gifts to the people I care about
while also being super cheap.
And while a lot has changed,
one thing that hasn't is the love that goes into this product.
-And thanks to this sweet man right here… -[chuckles softly]
…who dreamed big and pushed me out of my comfort zone,
we have a killer business plan
and both of us are ready to take this to the next level.
Gid, take it away, baby.
Thank you, Diane.
As my partner pointed out,
our journey is just as impressive as our product.
Our projection is the future…
-In conclusion, Congeal frickin' rocks! -[crowd cheering]
And we hope our presentation has given you a big lift!
Diane, no! Not the lift from Dirty Dancing again!
-I'm wearing underwear! -["Flashdance… What a Feeling" plays]
This song is literally called
"Flashdance," parentheses, "What a Feeling."
No--
-Whoo-hoo! -Whoa!
JK, I'm not wearing underwear.
Whoo! Diane, child, you is nasty!
And I am here for it, honey!
[laughing]
-[laughing] -[crowd cheering]
I gotta say, that was incredible!
Really blew me away!
Does this mean we have a deal?
-Yeah, that's a no. -What?
-Why? -It came down to numbers.
It's not cost-effective to have Congeal in a large retail space.
But great job! You two nailed that lift!
I'm so sorry, Gid.
No, Diane, I'm sorry.
The line between boss and bossy can get really blurred sometimes.
Should we do a sad hug?
Oh, most definitely, bitch.
Mm!
Hey! Check your email!
-[panting] -Bird got my phone.
It's from Borough!
They said they appreciate the hardball approach
and they want to double their offer!
[gasps] Are you telling me we just sold our company for a shit ton of money?
You know what this means!
[both] Let's frickin' party!
Hey, that's my line!
[all laughing]
[hard rock music playing]
I'm so happy for you, Miss Dunbrowski!
Hey, you call me Diane. Or Mom.
We're real proud of you, Ma.
Thank you, guys. I love you all.
Even you, Kurt.
You never cease to amaze me, Di.
[kisses]
My other family!
I am gonna cut hair next to you three until the day I fuckin' die.
Which won't be for a while
because now I can afford fruits and vegetables.
Appletinis don't count as fruit.
But vodka is potato.
Thank you, Carl. Phew!
Thank God, we have a buyer.
-He's emailing the paperwork now. -[sighs]
Okay. I'm just gonna tell her.
[breathes deeply]
Well, if it isn't my favorite sister and her first husband.
-"First husband"? -Diane, this is so amazing.
And I am really proud of you.
Aww.
I know this is bad timing, but we had to make a tough decision and…
[exhales]
I'm so sorry, but we need to sell the condo.
You snakes!
You're doing this to me again?!
Diane, please. We would never do this if there were any other options.
How soon before I'm out on my ass?
Well, we actually just got a buyer.
Who is it? I want a name!
Uh, it was sold to a… Tits McGee?
[cackling]
It's me, you assholes! I bought the condo!
Wait, what?
The Borough deal was just enough for me to pay you guys what you were asking.
Wow! Well, congrats, homeowner!
I have to tell you guys something.
This gap year was the best decision I ever made.
Aunt Diane, I love living with you!
Back at ya, kiddo.
But I really need to find some friends my own age.
So, I'm going to college!
Traitor! I made you, ya little shit!
Relax, I'm going to DePaul, it's 11 blocks away.
I'm still living with you.
Whoo-hoo!
Did you hear, Mom and Dad?
We're going back to college!
Well, not "we," I am.
And you guys can relax too.
I'm using my money from the buyout to cover my first year of tuition.
Ah! Thank you! I can't be a Postmate.
Even the smell of spicy food gives me heartburn.
Attention, everyone!
I'd like to make a toast to the Congeal team.
We did it!
-[cheering] -Congratulations, Congeal!
Where are the other Bulls?
And thanks to all of you for being you.
Because you being you is what makes me be me.
Now, let's frickin' party!
[all cheering]
[electricity sizzles]
[power dies down]
[Diane] Okay, nobody panic!
Everyone, grab a glow stick!
-[Tina] Already on it! -[Bonnie] Yay!
[Diane] That's what I'm talkin' about!
The party never stops when you're with Diane!
All I'm sayin' is, prove me wrong.
Tell me I'm wrong!
["Nothin' But a Good Time" by Poison playing]
♪ Don't need nothin' but a good time ♪
♪ How can I resist ♪
♪ Ain't lookin' for nothin' But a good time ♪
♪ And it don't get better than this ♪
♪ They say I spend my money On women and wine ♪
♪ But I couldn't tell you Where I spent last night ♪
♪ I'm really sorry About the shape I'm in ♪
♪ I just like my fun every now and then ♪
♪ I'm always workin', slavin' every day ♪
♪ Gotta get away From that same old, same old ♪
♪ I need a chance just to get away… ♪