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00:00:15,058 --> 00:00:17,360
Who knows what evil dwells
2
00:00:17,427 --> 00:00:19,629
in the heart of the dark
of the city?
3
00:00:19,729 --> 00:00:21,964
One lone defender
of the night--
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00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:24,867
Look. In the shadows.
5
00:00:24,934 --> 00:00:26,102
On the rooftops.
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It's a specter. It's a shade.
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It's--
Fair ball!
8
00:00:31,541 --> 00:00:33,609
Central City takes a 3-1--
9
00:00:39,115 --> 00:00:40,550
Good evening, folks.
10
00:00:40,616 --> 00:00:43,319
This is Jack Ryder here
in downtown Gotham City's
11
00:00:43,419 --> 00:00:44,987
fabulous Restaurant Row,
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00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:47,223
formerly known
as the rendering district.
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It looks like the whole city
has turned out tonight
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for the Taste of Gotham
festival,
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an annual outdoor celebration
of all the yummy things
16
00:00:55,498 --> 00:00:56,833
cooking in Gotham--
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00:00:56,933 --> 00:00:59,569
and the Bat-Signal
just lit up.
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That's always comforting.
19
00:01:01,971 --> 00:01:03,506
Nothing says
"everything is okay"
20
00:01:03,606 --> 00:01:06,008
like seeing the ol'
Bat-Signal in the sky.
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Just gonna continue on here
as if I'm sure
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00:01:07,977 --> 00:01:09,946
a gang of clowns
with Tommy guns is not about
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00:01:10,012 --> 00:01:11,347
to come tearing out
of the alley.
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00:01:11,447 --> 00:01:12,782
It's called being a pro
in this town.
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00:01:12,849 --> 00:01:14,917
Okay, so as I say,
it's the annual
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00:01:14,984 --> 00:01:17,753
Taste of Gotham festival,
and we're just in time
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00:01:17,820 --> 00:01:19,489
for one of its
most delicious--whoa!
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- Comin' through!
- My bad.
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00:01:21,257 --> 00:01:23,993
One of its most delicious
and time-honored traditions.
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- No, no, no.
You can't stand there, Mac.
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There's gonna be pierogis
coming through here.
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00:01:28,598 --> 00:01:30,199
Hot pierogis!
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00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:31,534
Okay, here? Okay.
34
00:01:31,634 --> 00:01:33,035
Yes, that's right--pierogis.
35
00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:35,805
We're here outside
Mama Dagmar's Famous Diner
36
00:01:35,872 --> 00:01:37,773
for the infamous
pierogis pig-out.
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Let's hear that jingle, ladies
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- That's right,
Gotham loves her pierogis,
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00:01:49,685 --> 00:01:50,853
and none more so than--
40
00:01:50,953 --> 00:01:52,488
- You're right in my way,
pally.
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00:01:52,555 --> 00:01:53,890
- Hot pierogis!
- Sorry.
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00:01:53,990 --> 00:01:55,725
Look, I'm trying to cooperate.
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00:01:55,825 --> 00:01:59,228
- Mama Dagmar says the pierogis
gotta be hot.
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- All right.
The rules are simple.
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00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:03,366
The hungry Gothamite
who wolfs down
46
00:02:03,466 --> 00:02:06,335
or gobbles up
the most Mama Dagmar pierogis
47
00:02:06,402 --> 00:02:07,904
in just five minutes wins.
48
00:02:08,004 --> 00:02:10,206
And waiting right here
to crown this year's winner
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00:02:10,306 --> 00:02:12,575
is Gotham's pierogi Queen
herself,
50
00:02:12,675 --> 00:02:14,911
Mama Dagma--oh, she's late?
51
00:02:15,011 --> 00:02:16,579
So no Mama Dagmar.
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Do we do any prep work
on this show or do you just
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send me out here
to dangle like a jerk?
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All right, fantastic.
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00:02:22,718 --> 00:02:25,021
Then let's meet our five hungry
contestants.
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00:02:25,087 --> 00:02:26,822
Contestant number one,
how are you feeling?
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00:02:26,889 --> 00:02:28,257
- Feeling good, Jack.
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00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:30,359
Well, a little nervous,
actually.
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00:02:30,426 --> 00:02:32,094
Uh, at least I hope
it's nerves.
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00:02:32,195 --> 00:02:33,763
Could be Scarecrow drugs.
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00:02:33,863 --> 00:02:35,731
I mean, if I was dosed
with Scarecrow drugs
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00:02:35,831 --> 00:02:37,400
wouldn't it feel exactly
like this?
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No, but I'm good...I think.
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00:02:39,502 --> 00:02:41,437
- Great, so--
- You kn--I know it's been
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00:02:41,537 --> 00:02:43,105
almost two weeks
since Valentine's Day
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00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,907
and the police
say the Batman is on it...
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00:02:45,007 --> 00:02:46,909
but the Joker
is still out there, and--
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00:02:47,009 --> 00:02:48,377
- Okay, we don't really use
the J-word
69
00:02:48,444 --> 00:02:49,946
on this program anymore.
It's a new policy.
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00:02:50,046 --> 00:02:51,681
Also, we're discouraging
mentioning the Scarecrow
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00:02:51,747 --> 00:02:53,749
or any of his escalating
narcoterrorism. Thank you.
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00:02:53,849 --> 00:02:55,685
People are trying to enjoy
an eating competition.
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00:02:55,751 --> 00:02:57,053
So moving on.
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00:02:57,119 --> 00:02:58,621
Contestant number two,
are you ready for--
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00:02:58,721 --> 00:03:01,624
is someone supposed to be
sitting in this chair?
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00:03:01,724 --> 00:03:03,226
Anyone?
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00:03:03,292 --> 00:03:05,294
Contestant number two left
when the bat signal lit up.
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Okay, great.
This is going great.
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00:03:07,797 --> 00:03:09,198
"It's not too soon Jack.
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00:03:09,265 --> 00:03:11,133
"Gotham is ready
for a nighttime outdoor
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00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:12,401
competitive eating contest."
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00:03:12,468 --> 00:03:14,203
- Move it, Jackson!
- Gah!
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00:03:14,270 --> 00:03:16,138
Last load of pierogis.
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00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:18,608
Mama Dagmar says
the dough's just so
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and the meat is sweet.
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00:03:28,084 --> 00:03:29,585
Gah. Wow, that was loud.
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00:03:29,652 --> 00:03:32,488
Ladies, I'm gonna be
the one that cues you, okay?
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Not the waitress.
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00:03:33,923 --> 00:03:35,258
Still no Mama
Dagmar?
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00:03:35,324 --> 00:03:37,260
Okay, look, let's just start
this thing, okay?
91
00:03:37,326 --> 00:03:38,995
It's only a ninety
minute broadcast.
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00:03:39,095 --> 00:03:42,331
Okay, contestants,
on your marks, get set,
93
00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:45,501
let the pierogi pig-out begin.
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00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:48,337
- And they're off!
Look at em go.
95
00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:51,274
Look at...ugh, yuck.
96
00:03:51,340 --> 00:03:53,276
Mickey, where is she?
97
00:03:53,342 --> 00:03:54,777
Mama Dagmar.
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00:03:54,844 --> 00:03:56,078
Well what am
I supposed to do,
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00:03:56,145 --> 00:03:57,413
just watch them eat?
100
00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:59,148
Okay, here, get that waitress.
Miss?
101
00:03:59,248 --> 00:04:01,584
- My name is Harleen Quinzel,
Jackson!
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00:04:01,651 --> 00:04:05,154
I'm new in town but I'm
already a big fan of yours.
103
00:04:05,254 --> 00:04:07,523
- Well, that's great.
Harleen, did you say?
104
00:04:07,623 --> 00:04:10,526
What can you tell us about
these famous pierogis, Harleen?
105
00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:14,363
- Oh, well, Mama Dagmar says
the meat is key.
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00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:15,698
Amen to that.
107
00:04:15,798 --> 00:04:17,867
- Which is weird,
'cause she'd do anything
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00:04:17,967 --> 00:04:20,536
to avoid paying top dollar
for the stuff.
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00:04:20,636 --> 00:04:22,204
- She what?
- Oh, yeah.
110
00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:24,006
- Oh yeah, she's all up
in the meat-packing racket.
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00:04:24,106 --> 00:04:26,208
If it's cheap,
it goes in the pierogis.
112
00:04:26,309 --> 00:04:29,545
We're not talking Grade-A meat.
No, doctor.
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00:04:29,645 --> 00:04:31,647
More like Grade "ay chihuahua."
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00:04:31,714 --> 00:04:34,517
I'm sure you're not--
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00:04:34,617 --> 00:04:37,887
- Anyway, about a week ago
she tried to get cute.
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00:04:37,987 --> 00:04:40,022
She thought she saw
an opportunity
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00:04:40,122 --> 00:04:42,858
to undercut her wholesaler
in the chaos.
118
00:04:42,958 --> 00:04:44,460
Chaos? What chaos?
119
00:04:44,527 --> 00:04:46,729
- Ah, you know how it is
since the Penguin
120
00:04:46,829 --> 00:04:49,065
and Two-Face crime syndicates
merged.
121
00:04:49,165 --> 00:04:51,500
- I really don't.
- Ah, come on.
122
00:04:51,567 --> 00:04:54,737
If you don't see what's going
on you must be sellin' pencils.
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00:04:54,837 --> 00:04:57,907
See, Mama D figured
since Penguin and Two-Face were
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00:04:58,007 --> 00:05:00,343
teamed up, she didn't need to
pay out twice.
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00:05:00,409 --> 00:05:02,745
I guess Two face didn't like
her getting wise,
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00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:05,481
so long story short,
Two-Face sent his boys
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00:05:05,548 --> 00:05:07,350
over here late last night
after closing
128
00:05:07,416 --> 00:05:10,586
and you know,
looks like Mama Dagmar went
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00:05:10,686 --> 00:05:13,422
into the kitchen
and pierogis came out,
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00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:16,492
- if you catch my drift.
- I definitely don't.
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00:05:16,559 --> 00:05:20,930
- I'm just saying there was no
meat in the freezer
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00:05:21,030 --> 00:05:26,168
when I closed up last night,
and now there's pierogis.
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00:05:26,235 --> 00:05:27,603
- Oh, my God.
- So, yeah.
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00:05:27,703 --> 00:05:29,872
I don't think Mama Dagmar's
gonna show up.
135
00:05:29,939 --> 00:05:32,541
Or she's already here, I guess.
136
00:05:32,608 --> 00:05:34,910
I don't know.
This is why I'm vegan.
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00:05:35,010 --> 00:05:37,413
- Stop eating. Stop.
Get that out of your mouth!
138
00:05:37,513 --> 00:05:38,781
Don't eat the pierogis!
139
00:05:40,850 --> 00:05:43,386
- Don't!
140
00:05:45,254 --> 00:05:47,390
- That was not your cue!
141
00:05:47,456 --> 00:05:49,525
- I guess I'll take over
from here, Jack.
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00:05:49,592 --> 00:05:52,728
Hi, Gotham City.
I'm Harleen Quinzel.
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00:05:52,795 --> 00:05:54,697
I think I used to be a doctor?
144
00:05:54,764 --> 00:05:56,799
I'll be honest,
the last two weeks have been
145
00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:58,968
really screwy
in the dome piece.
146
00:05:59,068 --> 00:06:02,037
I took this job 'cause
I didn't know what else to do.
147
00:06:02,104 --> 00:06:03,706
I'm just trying to stay alive
148
00:06:03,773 --> 00:06:05,641
till he gives me a sign,
you know?
149
00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:08,644
My darling baby
sweet puddin'.
150
00:06:08,744 --> 00:06:11,046
My sweet Mr. J.
151
00:06:11,113 --> 00:06:14,049
If you're watching, puddin'
please.
152
00:06:14,116 --> 00:06:17,319
Tell me how to find you.
Tell me what to do.
153
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:19,822
I know we're meant
to be together.
154
00:06:19,922 --> 00:06:22,925
Tell me what you
want me to do or else...
155
00:06:22,992 --> 00:06:25,728
I'm gonna start guessing.
156
00:06:25,795 --> 00:06:28,564
Gotham.
In a starless sky,
157
00:06:28,631 --> 00:06:30,900
anvils hang over the asphalt.
158
00:06:30,966 --> 00:06:34,103
Join us now for another tale
of life and death
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00:06:34,170 --> 00:06:35,671
in Gotham City.
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00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:39,508
February 27th, two weeks after
the Joker's failed
161
00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:41,777
Valentine's Day catastrophe,
162
00:06:41,844 --> 00:06:44,180
Gotham City stirs
to life again.
163
00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:47,149
But sometimes when you live
to fight another day,
164
00:06:47,249 --> 00:06:50,019
all that's promised
is another beating.
165
00:06:50,119 --> 00:06:52,855
Or in Batman's case, several.
166
00:06:52,955 --> 00:06:56,625
While the Joker remains
at large, gangster kingpins
167
00:06:56,692 --> 00:06:59,361
and former rivals
the Penguin and Two-Face
168
00:06:59,462 --> 00:07:01,430
have combined their
criminal might,
169
00:07:01,497 --> 00:07:03,766
and the mysterious
narco-terrorist known
170
00:07:03,833 --> 00:07:07,036
as the Scarecrow
remains unidentified,
171
00:07:07,136 --> 00:07:10,940
even as his fear drugs
plague the city.
172
00:07:12,475 --> 00:07:14,977
But while the city
seethes outside,
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00:07:15,044 --> 00:07:17,947
we rejoin our adventures
safe in here.
174
00:07:18,013 --> 00:07:19,949
Apologies for the close
quarters.
175
00:07:20,015 --> 00:07:23,552
And don't breathe too deeply,
there is limited oxygen.
176
00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:26,222
We are presently inside
the cramped confines
177
00:07:26,322 --> 00:07:27,890
of a private safe,
178
00:07:27,990 --> 00:07:31,560
and not just any private safe,
but a private safe in the home
179
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,796
of one of Gotham City's
wealthiest
180
00:07:33,863 --> 00:07:35,731
and most prominent citizens.
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00:07:35,831 --> 00:07:38,567
Its twin-dial locking mechanism
will only open
182
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:41,203
for one of three trillion
combinations.
183
00:07:41,303 --> 00:07:44,573
There is quite possibly
no more secure location
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00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,509
in all of Gotham City.
185
00:07:48,477 --> 00:07:51,747
- That is, unless Catwoman
is on the premises.
186
00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:54,416
- Well, now,
what goodies have we got?
187
00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:57,186
Goodies too numerous
to mention.
188
00:07:57,253 --> 00:07:59,688
A heaping mound of lucre.
Gold.
189
00:07:59,755 --> 00:08:03,025
Stock certificates.
Jade. Emeralds.
190
00:08:03,092 --> 00:08:05,895
A length of impossibly
flawless pearls.
191
00:08:05,995 --> 00:08:09,031
And as Catwoman paws
through a cool trillion,
192
00:08:09,098 --> 00:08:12,101
- she is irrepressibly...
- Disappointed.
193
00:08:12,201 --> 00:08:14,603
Yes, despite
the beguiling treasures
194
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:17,406
on offer, Catwoman is looking
for something
195
00:08:17,506 --> 00:08:19,108
she has not found.
196
00:08:19,208 --> 00:08:21,577
The question
of its vexing absence would be
197
00:08:21,677 --> 00:08:23,512
an excellent one
for a resident
198
00:08:23,579 --> 00:08:24,747
of the household.
199
00:08:24,847 --> 00:08:26,215
And as luck would have it,
200
00:08:26,282 --> 00:08:28,183
one is waiting patiently
nearby.
201
00:08:28,250 --> 00:08:30,085
- You got a fortune in here,
cookie.
202
00:08:30,185 --> 00:08:33,122
But I'm known
for my particular tastes.
203
00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:34,456
Where is the Ocelot?
204
00:08:36,859 --> 00:08:38,360
Too loose?
205
00:08:38,427 --> 00:08:41,096
Boy, I thought I tied you up
pretty good there,
206
00:08:41,196 --> 00:08:43,065
- but if you say so...
207
00:08:43,132 --> 00:08:45,768
- Let me know
when this gets too tight.
208
00:08:45,868 --> 00:08:48,804
- Thank you.
209
00:08:48,904 --> 00:08:50,940
Now then, I'll take the gag
off,
210
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:52,808
but only after we get
a couple things
211
00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,443
- ducky between us.
212
00:08:54,543 --> 00:08:57,046
- I'm here for the Ocelot
of Paradise.
213
00:08:57,112 --> 00:08:58,314
- Ring a bell?
214
00:08:58,414 --> 00:08:59,782
It's about the size
of a grapefruit,
215
00:08:59,882 --> 00:09:01,116
weighs about 10,000 carats
216
00:09:01,216 --> 00:09:03,552
and looks like
a big, blue cat's eye?
217
00:09:03,619 --> 00:09:05,788
Now, that'd get my attention
any day of the week.
218
00:09:05,888 --> 00:09:07,489
But here's what brought
me all the way
219
00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:09,091
out here to the suburbs.
220
00:09:09,158 --> 00:09:12,161
The Ocelot ain't just a honey
of a sparkler,
221
00:09:12,261 --> 00:09:14,997
it's a pure
Santa Priscan Larimar.
222
00:09:15,097 --> 00:09:16,899
- Yes, that's right.
223
00:09:16,966 --> 00:09:20,836
It's illegal to import it--
really illegal.
224
00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:24,840
Santa Priscan Larimar gives
blood diamonds a good name.
225
00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:27,343
Now, you ready for that gag
to come off
226
00:09:27,443 --> 00:09:29,678
so you can tell me
about your supplier?
227
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:33,182
I...disagree.
228
00:09:33,282 --> 00:09:35,284
I think you need
some extra convincing.
229
00:09:35,351 --> 00:09:37,252
- You know what's good for that?
- Hmm?
230
00:09:37,319 --> 00:09:39,588
Hmm. Fireplace tools.
231
00:09:40,990 --> 00:09:43,258
- Now, then,
do you have any idea
232
00:09:43,325 --> 00:09:45,427
why they call this thing
a poker?
233
00:09:45,494 --> 00:09:47,196
Let's find out together,
shall we?
234
00:09:47,296 --> 00:09:48,697
What the--
235
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,699
Suddenly as Catwoman
stumbles away
236
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,134
from the vast fireplace,
237
00:09:52,201 --> 00:09:54,703
the room fills
with a massive cloud of soot.
238
00:09:56,038 --> 00:09:57,773
As the black cloud billows,
239
00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:00,109
it seems to take solid form.
240
00:10:01,343 --> 00:10:02,778
Put the poker down, Catwoman.
241
00:10:02,845 --> 00:10:04,880
You're not going
to hurt that old man.
242
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,615
Batman?
243
00:10:06,682 --> 00:10:09,318
Did you just literally drop out
of a chimney
244
00:10:09,385 --> 00:10:11,053
like an actual bat?
245
00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:12,821
You are really going method
with this thing.
246
00:10:12,888 --> 00:10:14,390
- Catwoman--
- Where does it end?
247
00:10:14,490 --> 00:10:16,058
You already live in a cave.
248
00:10:16,158 --> 00:10:17,793
Tell me you haven't become
an insectivore
249
00:10:17,860 --> 00:10:20,062
- Catwoman, this has to stop.
- I agree.
250
00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:21,830
Why am I seeing more of you
251
00:10:21,897 --> 00:10:23,298
since I iced you out
of my life?
252
00:10:23,365 --> 00:10:24,833
- You're interfering
with a situation
253
00:10:24,900 --> 00:10:26,235
I have under surveillance.
254
00:10:26,335 --> 00:10:27,803
It's not the first time.
255
00:10:27,870 --> 00:10:30,906
- You know this guy is moving
Santa Priscan Larimar?
256
00:10:31,006 --> 00:10:33,842
- He's not, but he's in contact
with people who are--
257
00:10:33,909 --> 00:10:35,377
under my supervision.
258
00:10:35,477 --> 00:10:37,746
- A sting operation?
- In progress.
259
00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:39,048
But you jumped the gun.
260
00:10:39,148 --> 00:10:40,549
- Oh, what do you know
about guns?
261
00:10:40,649 --> 00:10:42,484
You fight with a boomerang
like a weirdo.
262
00:10:42,551 --> 00:10:45,187
But if you want to talk
about interference,
263
00:10:45,254 --> 00:10:46,755
let's have that conversation.
264
00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:49,224
You laid out Tooth Gumford
last week
265
00:10:49,324 --> 00:10:52,027
- He ran black market guns.
- He was my fence,
266
00:10:52,094 --> 00:10:53,929
and he didn't truck
with the psychos.
267
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:56,165
We need that kind of crook
on the street.
268
00:10:56,231 --> 00:10:58,100
- No, you need crooks
on the street.
269
00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,835
I'm sworn to uphold the law.
270
00:10:59,902 --> 00:11:02,237
It's not a judgment call
for me anymore, Catwoman.
271
00:11:02,337 --> 00:11:04,339
It's the only sustainable
way forward.
272
00:11:04,406 --> 00:11:05,607
Look around.
273
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,276
The combined might
of the Penguin
274
00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:09,211
and Two-Face syndicates
has driven the small timers
275
00:11:09,278 --> 00:11:10,512
into survival mode.
276
00:11:10,579 --> 00:11:12,414
The ganglands have gone feral.
277
00:11:12,514 --> 00:11:14,049
Gotham is at
the tipping point.
278
00:11:14,116 --> 00:11:16,285
- Hey, I stopped doing this
because it was fun
279
00:11:16,385 --> 00:11:17,586
a long time ago.
280
00:11:17,686 --> 00:11:19,521
- Then join me.
This can't go on.
281
00:11:19,588 --> 00:11:21,757
Why, because you say so?
282
00:11:21,857 --> 00:11:23,726
- In the last two weeks
I've cleaned out more
283
00:11:23,792 --> 00:11:26,028
of those small-timers than
you'll legally arrest
284
00:11:26,095 --> 00:11:27,229
in two months.
285
00:11:28,731 --> 00:11:31,767
stop playing cops and robbers.
It's lame.
286
00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:33,969
And it's hopelessly naive.
287
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:35,704
I'm trying to save the city.
288
00:11:35,771 --> 00:11:37,139
So am I.
289
00:11:37,239 --> 00:11:39,608
I just get paid for it
better than you do.
290
00:11:41,477 --> 00:11:43,612
See? Thank you. Exactly.
291
00:11:43,712 --> 00:11:46,415
The GCPD
is overwhelmingly corrupt.
292
00:11:46,482 --> 00:11:48,450
You know that,
you ridiculous man.
293
00:11:48,550 --> 00:11:50,986
- I have my people.
And the resources are more--
294
00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:53,322
- If you think you're in
control of the situation
295
00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:55,324
'cause you have your little
rooftop pow-wows
296
00:11:55,424 --> 00:11:58,160
with Commissioner Useless,
you're Joker crazy.
297
00:11:58,260 --> 00:12:00,829
- Catwoman,
this isn't a request.
298
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,331
That does it.
299
00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:04,633
I swore the next time
you talked to me like that
300
00:12:04,733 --> 00:12:06,168
would be the last.
301
00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:09,271
You think you're the only
one who cares about this city?
302
00:12:09,338 --> 00:12:11,240
- Where are you going?
- Back to work.
303
00:12:11,306 --> 00:12:12,908
- You know this means
I'll have to p--
304
00:12:12,975 --> 00:12:15,144
No. Here's what this means.
305
00:12:15,244 --> 00:12:17,513
This means war.
306
00:12:17,613 --> 00:12:19,515
Make wise choices, Catwoman.
307
00:12:19,615 --> 00:12:20,849
The next time I see you,
308
00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:22,684
it will be
as an officer of the law.
309
00:12:22,785 --> 00:12:24,353
- And that's a close
to a threat
310
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:26,688
as you will ever get
with me, Batman.
311
00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:28,090
Oh.
312
00:12:28,157 --> 00:12:30,092
And this is some house,
isn't it?
313
00:12:30,159 --> 00:12:32,261
- Be sure to tell your friend
Bruce Wayne
314
00:12:32,327 --> 00:12:33,929
he knows how to live.
315
00:12:33,996 --> 00:12:36,031
But he should really invest
in a decent security system
316
00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:38,801
if he's going to always be
out of town.
317
00:12:38,867 --> 00:12:40,669
- Hmm. I'll make sure
to mention it.
318
00:12:40,769 --> 00:12:42,337
- And tell him I'm sorry
if I was rough
319
00:12:42,437 --> 00:12:43,872
on his man Jeeves there.
320
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,474
Sorry, Jeeves.
321
00:12:45,541 --> 00:12:47,810
As Catwoman
disappears into the night,
322
00:12:47,876 --> 00:12:49,945
Batman crosses
his father's study
323
00:12:50,012 --> 00:12:52,981
to untie poor,
faithful Alfred Pennyworth.
324
00:12:53,048 --> 00:12:54,550
- I'm sorry, Alfred. I--
325
00:12:54,650 --> 00:12:56,985
- Old man?
- Oh, come, now.
326
00:12:57,052 --> 00:12:58,487
It's theater, Alfred.
You appreciate--
327
00:12:58,554 --> 00:13:01,323
- "You're not going to hurt
that old man."
328
00:13:01,390 --> 00:13:02,891
- Alfred.
- And dropping out
329
00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,893
of the chimney--
who do you think
330
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:07,029
is going to clean up
all of that soot?
331
00:13:07,129 --> 00:13:08,697
- I was downstairs
when Catwoman finally
332
00:13:08,797 --> 00:13:09,798
made her appearance.
333
00:13:09,865 --> 00:13:11,533
How did you want me to get in?
334
00:13:11,633 --> 00:13:13,635
You would have preferred I
crashed in through the windows?
335
00:13:13,702 --> 00:13:16,238
Your precious
leaded glass windows?
336
00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:18,974
- I would prefer it if you
didn't have Catwoman in
337
00:13:19,041 --> 00:13:20,976
to hash out your differences.
338
00:13:21,043 --> 00:13:23,078
She makes good points.
You know this.
339
00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:25,214
- Catwoman may think
her street-level chaos
340
00:13:25,314 --> 00:13:26,582
is making a difference,
341
00:13:26,682 --> 00:13:29,084
but it's nothing
but crime redistribution.
342
00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:30,519
The city still burns.
343
00:13:30,586 --> 00:13:33,822
- Even so, Catwoman
is no ordinary adversary.
344
00:13:33,889 --> 00:13:35,424
And if you insist
on having it out
345
00:13:35,524 --> 00:13:37,359
in the alley with her,
you might do well to remember
346
00:13:37,426 --> 00:13:39,394
the tale of the Kilkenny Cats.
347
00:13:39,494 --> 00:13:41,563
- Thank you, Alfred.
I take your point.
348
00:13:41,663 --> 00:13:45,033
- Because we all remember what
happened to the Kilkenny Cats.
349
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:47,536
- Yes, we do.
So there's no need to--
350
00:13:47,603 --> 00:13:50,005
- "There once were two cats
from Kilkenny
351
00:13:50,072 --> 00:13:51,940
who each thought there
one cat too many."
352
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,442
- Alfred.
- "So they scratched
353
00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:55,210
"and they bit and they fought
and they fit
354
00:13:55,277 --> 00:13:57,846
"till excepting their nails
and the tips of their tails,
355
00:13:57,913 --> 00:14:00,782
instead of two cats,
there weren't any."
356
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,284
Excellent recitation.
357
00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:04,052
Thank you. It was.
358
00:14:04,119 --> 00:14:05,921
- But if two cats
are your problem,
359
00:14:06,021 --> 00:14:07,623
there's an easy solution.
360
00:14:07,723 --> 00:14:09,458
One has to go back
in the bag.
361
00:14:11,126 --> 00:14:14,963
It is said the enemy
of my enemy is my friend.
362
00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:18,033
what then is the rival
of my adversary?
363
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:20,969
A question Batman has given
himself to answer
364
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:25,908
in his ongoing exegesis of life
and death in Gotham City.
365
00:14:28,377 --> 00:14:30,445
- Ladies and gentlemen
Oswald Cobblepot
366
00:14:30,545 --> 00:14:31,780
could not be here tonight,
367
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,615
but on his behalf,
may I welcome you
368
00:14:33,715 --> 00:14:36,451
to the fabulous Iceberg Lounge.
369
00:14:36,551 --> 00:14:39,254
Now this next number
is all about numbers.
370
00:14:39,321 --> 00:14:43,058
please welcome the Count
and his "Arithmetic Swing."
371
00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:07,816
- Uh, it's okay.
It's all right, folks.
372
00:15:07,916 --> 00:15:10,185
Nothing to worry about. I'm
sure he'll be fine.
373
00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:12,187
It's just minor flesh wounds.
374
00:15:12,287 --> 00:15:14,323
The Count
is not mortally injured.
375
00:15:14,423 --> 00:15:15,791
Gigi, run upstairs
376
00:15:15,857 --> 00:15:18,427
and tell Mr. Cobblepot
this has to stop.
377
00:15:18,493 --> 00:15:21,663
Two-Face just shot another one
of his nightclub acts.
378
00:15:21,763 --> 00:15:23,598
We're just gonna take
a short break folks,
379
00:15:23,665 --> 00:15:26,501
and, uh, the next round
is on the house.
380
00:15:30,305 --> 00:15:31,873
- ...anniversary of the
mysterious disappearance
381
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:33,875
of WayneTech executive
Lucius Fox--
382
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:36,611
- Stock in Janus Cosmetics
fell to a market low of--
383
00:15:36,678 --> 00:15:39,214
Prepare yourself
384
00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:42,484
- for the enigmatic...
- Harlequin.
385
00:15:42,551 --> 00:15:45,387
- The absurd...
- Harlequin.
386
00:15:45,487 --> 00:15:48,957
- The irrepressible.
387
00:15:49,024 --> 00:15:53,061
The Harlequin is coming
to Gotham City.
388
00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:54,229
Harlequin.
389
00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:58,066
The Harlequin. Coming soon.
390
00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:03,038
- "Life and Death
- Epilogue."
391
00:16:04,373 --> 00:16:05,507
On a lonely fire escape
392
00:16:05,574 --> 00:16:07,809
over a grimy South Gotham
alleyway,
393
00:16:07,876 --> 00:16:11,380
a lovelorn woman pours
her heart into plaintive song.
394
00:16:25,227 --> 00:16:27,662
Two weeks ago
Harleen Quinzel met
395
00:16:27,729 --> 00:16:29,398
the man of her dreams.
396
00:16:29,498 --> 00:16:33,502
Maybe it was his smile.
Maybe it was his savoir-faire.
397
00:16:33,568 --> 00:16:37,039
Maybe it was a megadose
of his psychotropic aphrodisiac
398
00:16:37,105 --> 00:16:39,941
rampaging across
her blood-brain barrier.
399
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:41,610
Love's a mystery.
400
00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:45,347
All Harleen knows
is that day she felt brand new,
401
00:16:45,414 --> 00:16:49,017
a freshly stropped razor
honed to a perfect edge.
402
00:16:49,084 --> 00:16:51,453
And every day since then
she's felt like
403
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:54,589
a lone shoe dangling
from a telephone line--
404
00:16:54,689 --> 00:16:57,292
a wayward half
of a necessary pair,
405
00:16:57,392 --> 00:17:00,929
abandoned, precarious,
and without purpose.
406
00:17:16,745 --> 00:17:18,780
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
- Boo.
407
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:21,616
- Now, for my next number,
same as the last number.
408
00:17:21,716 --> 00:17:23,718
- Boo. No.
- Let's all sing along
409
00:17:23,785 --> 00:17:28,156
to Mr. J's favorite ditty,
"Dark Purple Dawn."
410
00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:29,791
- No. Not again.
411
00:17:33,328 --> 00:17:35,664
Ow!
412
00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:38,266
Oh, hey, thanks.
I actually did want a shoe.
413
00:17:38,333 --> 00:17:39,568
Thank y--ow!
414
00:17:39,634 --> 00:17:40,802
Hey! Hey!
415
00:17:40,902 --> 00:17:42,070
Who's throwing batteries?
416
00:17:42,137 --> 00:17:43,738
Now that's low class.
417
00:17:43,805 --> 00:17:45,407
Learn a new song!
418
00:17:45,474 --> 00:17:47,509
And sing it in the daytime!
419
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:50,579
- It's called a moonlight
serenade, ya dink!
420
00:17:50,645 --> 00:17:53,014
It's gotta be at night! Ugh!
421
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,917
I'm singing my heart out here!
Fine!
422
00:17:55,984 --> 00:17:59,654
It's 'pearls before swine"
night in Losertown anyhow.
423
00:17:59,754 --> 00:18:01,189
See ya at the sock hop.
424
00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:02,591
Climbing back
through the window
425
00:18:02,657 --> 00:18:04,359
into her ten-dollar-a-night
room,
426
00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:06,761
Harleen heaves
an exhausted sob.
427
00:18:06,828 --> 00:18:08,029
- Ugh.
- Whatever brought her
428
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:09,865
to Gotham City two weeks ago
429
00:18:09,965 --> 00:18:11,466
is long forgotten.
430
00:18:11,533 --> 00:18:14,870
She is now living for a love
that's slowly killing her.
431
00:18:14,970 --> 00:18:17,139
She has no way
to find her beloved,
432
00:18:17,205 --> 00:18:20,308
no way to reach him,
no way to make him hear
433
00:18:20,375 --> 00:18:22,177
how badly she needs him.
434
00:18:22,277 --> 00:18:24,045
All she can do is wail
435
00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:26,047
- into the lonesome night.
- Aw.
436
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:27,549
Finally, vague feelings
437
00:18:27,649 --> 00:18:31,119
of despair begin to form
a tragic plan of action.
438
00:18:31,186 --> 00:18:35,891
- My dearest, sweetest,
puddinest Mister J.
439
00:18:35,991 --> 00:18:37,526
If you are reading this,
440
00:18:37,626 --> 00:18:40,228
it means I couldn't bear it
no longer,
441
00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:44,332
and I have decided to, uh...
442
00:18:44,399 --> 00:18:47,335
ugh, no. Too messy.
443
00:18:47,402 --> 00:18:52,073
Um, I am headed
to the top of Wayne Tower to--
444
00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:54,809
oh, yeah right.
You and what bus fare?
445
00:18:54,876 --> 00:18:56,244
Come on.
446
00:18:56,344 --> 00:18:59,381
I need a way to snuff it out
that's cheap and classy.
447
00:18:59,481 --> 00:19:02,217
Oh! Hold up. I got it.
448
00:19:02,317 --> 00:19:03,985
To the Gotham Zoo,
449
00:19:04,052 --> 00:19:07,189
jaybird nekkid
in the polar bear cage.
450
00:19:07,255 --> 00:19:09,191
Fortunately, fate intervenes
451
00:19:09,257 --> 00:19:12,093
to offer a more dignified
solution to her heartache.
452
00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:13,762
- Penguin, yeah.
453
00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:16,198
What the--
454
00:19:16,264 --> 00:19:19,000
Who on earth
could that possibly--
455
00:19:19,067 --> 00:19:22,070
Uh, hello?
456
00:19:22,170 --> 00:19:24,206
Hello, Harleen.
457
00:19:24,272 --> 00:19:25,941
This is the Joker.
458
00:19:26,041 --> 00:19:29,177
Oh. My. Galoshes.
459
00:19:29,244 --> 00:19:32,447
- I hope I'm not calling
at a bad time.
460
00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:34,849
What? No! Really? Really?
461
00:19:34,916 --> 00:19:37,953
No, it's the absolute
best time.
462
00:19:38,053 --> 00:19:39,921
I can't believe
this is happening.
463
00:19:40,021 --> 00:19:41,590
Is this really happening?
464
00:19:41,690 --> 00:19:43,792
- No, of course
it's not happening.
465
00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:46,361
Aww. It's not?
466
00:19:46,428 --> 00:19:48,029
Don't be ridiculous.
467
00:19:48,096 --> 00:19:50,765
This dump doesn't
have a telephone, remember?
468
00:19:50,865 --> 00:19:54,469
Right now you're holding
a banana up to your ear.
469
00:19:54,569 --> 00:19:58,306
- Oh, yeah. I did think the
reception was awful good
470
00:19:58,406 --> 00:19:59,975
- for a piece of fruit.
- Yes.
471
00:20:00,075 --> 00:20:03,211
So obviously, you're quite
cuckoo, Harley darlin,
472
00:20:03,278 --> 00:20:05,714
and this call is
coming from inside the house,
473
00:20:05,780 --> 00:20:07,315
if you catch my drift.
474
00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:10,118
But that doesn't mean you
shouldn't listen to me.
475
00:20:10,218 --> 00:20:14,289
Okay, fine.
I'm not the Joker, per se.
476
00:20:14,389 --> 00:20:16,424
I'm your heart's desire.
477
00:20:16,491 --> 00:20:19,160
I'm what's keeping
the Harley shark swimming,
478
00:20:19,261 --> 00:20:20,662
you know what I'm getting at?
479
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:22,998
And I just got the distinct
impression
480
00:20:23,098 --> 00:20:26,501
you were tossin' in the towel
on me, isn't that right?
481
00:20:26,601 --> 00:20:29,070
Lookin' to bite
the big bazooka?
482
00:20:29,137 --> 00:20:32,073
- Ooh, I didn't think
of a bazooka.
483
00:20:32,140 --> 00:20:34,843
- Yes you did,
because I'm you.
484
00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:36,511
I got a better idea.
485
00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:39,681
I think you can still get
what you're after.
486
00:20:39,781 --> 00:20:41,516
- Yeah?
- Sure.
487
00:20:41,616 --> 00:20:43,852
Quitting is for smokers, right?
488
00:20:43,952 --> 00:20:46,955
You're a go-getter,
I can tell.
489
00:20:47,022 --> 00:20:49,991
So if it's a fella you fancy,
490
00:20:50,091 --> 00:20:52,694
maybe you just need to show
a little more interest
491
00:20:52,794 --> 00:20:55,597
- in his hobbies.
- His hobbies?
492
00:20:55,664 --> 00:20:58,466
- Just spitballing here,
but...
493
00:20:58,533 --> 00:21:02,037
did you ever think
of trying your hand at crime?
494
00:21:02,137 --> 00:21:04,205
Crime? Me?
495
00:21:04,306 --> 00:21:05,874
Nah, you're right.
496
00:21:05,974 --> 00:21:08,510
I had you pegged wrong.
Forget I said it.
497
00:21:08,610 --> 00:21:09,944
What? No! No!
498
00:21:10,011 --> 00:21:12,881
Wait. You think Mr. J
would notice me if I--
499
00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:15,050
- Hey I don't know nothin'
'bout nothin'.
500
00:21:15,150 --> 00:21:17,886
I'm just nonsense coming out
the end of a banana.
501
00:21:17,986 --> 00:21:21,456
I'm just saying
the Clown Prince of Crime
502
00:21:21,523 --> 00:21:25,360
probably only dates other
criminal types, you know?
503
00:21:25,460 --> 00:21:27,729
Yeah. Yeah.
504
00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:30,799
Other criminal types. I got it.
505
00:21:30,865 --> 00:21:33,301
- And you got an eye
for crime.
506
00:21:33,368 --> 00:21:35,403
Didn't take you long
to size up the score
507
00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,305
at Mama Dagmar's, did it?
508
00:21:37,372 --> 00:21:40,342
Hey, weren't you even
a doctor of crimeology
509
00:21:40,408 --> 00:21:42,577
- or something?
- Hey, yeah.
510
00:21:42,677 --> 00:21:44,746
It was something like that.
511
00:21:44,846 --> 00:21:46,681
Well, I better let you go.
512
00:21:46,748 --> 00:21:48,850
You got a lot to think about.
513
00:21:48,917 --> 00:21:51,419
Oh hey, listen,
after I hang up,
514
00:21:51,519 --> 00:21:54,389
why don't you go ahead
and eat this banana.
515
00:21:54,489 --> 00:21:57,359
They're good for you--
potassium I think.
516
00:21:57,425 --> 00:22:00,428
'Cause trust me,
when you finally decide
517
00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:03,732
to go through with
what I got in mind,
518
00:22:03,832 --> 00:22:06,401
you're gonna need
your strength.
519
00:22:07,602 --> 00:22:10,939
As Harleen Quinzel
mulls an exciting new career
520
00:22:11,039 --> 00:22:13,375
in the up-and-coming field
of villainy,
521
00:22:13,441 --> 00:22:15,610
we mark this page in
preparation
522
00:22:15,710 --> 00:22:18,113
for a hasty return
to the latest volume
523
00:22:18,213 --> 00:22:21,516
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
524
00:22:21,583 --> 00:22:24,085
To be continued.
525
00:22:28,189 --> 00:22:30,425
The Audio Adventures,"
526
00:22:30,525 --> 00:22:33,428
written and directed
by Dennis McNicholas.
527
00:22:33,528 --> 00:22:36,798
Batman created by Bob Cane
with Bill Finger.
528
00:22:36,898 --> 00:22:39,033
Based on characters from DC
529
00:22:39,100 --> 00:22:41,870
with performances
by Jeffrey Wright,
530
00:22:41,936 --> 00:22:44,973
Aristotle Athari,
Ike Barinholtz,
531
00:22:45,073 --> 00:22:47,909
Rosario Dawson, Steve Higgins,
532
00:22:47,976 --> 00:22:50,645
Toby Huss, Gillian Jacobs,
533
00:22:50,745 --> 00:22:53,548
John Leguizamo,
Dennis McNicholas,
534
00:22:53,615 --> 00:22:56,151
Tim Meadows, Seth Meyers,
535
00:22:56,251 --> 00:22:58,887
Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell,
536
00:22:58,953 --> 00:23:01,456
Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers,
537
00:23:01,556 --> 00:23:03,992
Paul Scheer, Pete Schultz,
538
00:23:04,092 --> 00:23:06,628
Brooke Shields, Brent Spiner,
539
00:23:06,728 --> 00:23:09,264
Kenan Thompson, Alan Tudyk,
540
00:23:09,330 --> 00:23:12,500
Bradley Whitford,
Melissa VillaseƱor,
541
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,336
Eli Brueggemann, Doug Bossi,
542
00:23:15,437 --> 00:23:18,173
Ranjani Brow, Chris Gibney,
543
00:23:18,273 --> 00:23:20,675
Julie Larson, Erica Phillips,
544
00:23:20,775 --> 00:23:23,178
Rosie Phillips, Tony Phillips,
545
00:23:23,278 --> 00:23:26,114
Zoey Phillips, Deirdre Quinn,
546
00:23:26,181 --> 00:23:27,515
Robbie Wyckoff.
547
00:23:27,615 --> 00:23:31,519
Executive producers Jon Berg,
Angela Petrella.
548
00:23:31,619 --> 00:23:33,855
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
549
00:23:33,955 --> 00:23:36,124
Executives in charge
of production,
550
00:23:36,191 --> 00:23:39,127
Shaleen Desai, Peter Girardi.
551
00:23:39,194 --> 00:23:40,829
Producer, Tyler Dorson.
552
00:23:40,929 --> 00:23:43,598
Production services
by Kast Media.
553
00:23:43,665 --> 00:23:45,500
Producer, Colin Thompson.
554
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:48,036
Coordinating producer,
DJ Labelle.
555
00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:50,338
Music by Doug Bossi.
556
00:23:50,438 --> 00:23:52,707
Sound recording, design,
and mixing
557
00:23:52,807 --> 00:23:54,209
by Big Yellow Duck.
558
00:23:54,309 --> 00:23:56,778
Sound design, mixing,
dialogue editing,
559
00:23:56,845 --> 00:23:59,347
and rerecording mixing
by Chris Gibney.
560
00:23:59,447 --> 00:24:01,983
Dialogue editing and additional
post production
561
00:24:02,050 --> 00:24:03,451
by Julie Larson.
562
00:24:03,518 --> 00:24:05,453
Writers' assistants,
Trey Woodard
563
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,155
and Scott Weinstein.
564
00:24:07,222 --> 00:24:10,391
Original songs by Doug Bossi
and Tony Phillips.
565
00:24:10,492 --> 00:24:12,293
The characters and events
depicted
566
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:14,028
in this podcast are fictional.
567
00:24:14,128 --> 00:24:17,699
Any similarity to any actual
person living or dead
568
00:24:17,799 --> 00:24:21,870
or to any actual events, firms,
places, and institutions
569
00:24:21,970 --> 00:24:24,172
or other entities
is coincidental
570
00:24:24,239 --> 00:24:25,473
and unintentional.
571
00:24:25,540 --> 00:24:27,542
This podcast is protected
under the laws
572
00:24:27,642 --> 00:24:29,744
of the Unites States
and other countries,
573
00:24:29,844 --> 00:24:32,380
and its unauthorized
duplication, distribution,
574
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:35,416
or exhibition may result
in civil liability
575
00:24:35,517 --> 00:24:37,085
and criminal prosecution.
576
00:24:37,185 --> 00:24:40,188
United States of America.
577
00:24:40,255 --> 00:24:42,090
The Audio Adventures."
578
00:24:42,190 --> 00:24:45,693
Copyright 2022, Warner Bros.
Entertainment, Inc.
579
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,363
Batman and all related
characters and elements
580
00:24:48,429 --> 00:24:50,832
and trademark and copyright DC.
581
00:24:50,899 --> 00:24:53,001
All rights reserved.