- "Batman: The Audio Adventures."
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[person screams]
Who knows what evil dwells
in the heart of the dark of the city?
One lone defender of the night--
[air whooshes]
Look. In the shadows.
On the rooftops.
[air whooshes]
It's a specter. It's a shade.
It's-- announcer: Fair ball!
Central City takes a 3-1--
[upbeat music]
♪ Gotham City One ♪
Good evening, folks.
This is Jack Ryder here in downtown Gotham City's
fabulous Restaurant Row,
formerly known as the rendering district.
It looks like the whole city has turned out tonight
for the Taste of Gotham festival,
an annual outdoor celebration of all the yummy things
cooking in Gotham--
and the Bat-Signal just lit up.
[distant siren blaring] That's always comforting.
Nothing says "everything is okay"
like seeing the ol' Bat-Signal in the sky.
Just gonna continue on here as if I'm sure
a gang of clowns with Tommy guns is not about
to come tearing out of the alley.
It's called being a pro in this town.
Okay, so as I say, it's the annual
Taste of Gotham festival, and we're just in time
for one of its most delicious--whoa!
- Comin' through! - My bad.
One of its most delicious and time-honored traditions.
- No, no, no. You can't stand there, Mac.
There's gonna be pierogis coming through here.
Hot pierogis!
Okay, here? Okay.
Yes, that's right--pierogis.
We're here outside Mama Dagmar's Famous Diner
for the infamous pierogis pig-out.
Let's hear that jingle, ladies
singers: ♪ Mama Dagmar's Famous Pierogis ♪
♪ The dough is just so and the meat is sweet ♪
♪ Hey ♪
- That's right, Gotham loves her pierogis,
and none more so than--
- You're right in my way, pally.
- Hot pierogis! - Sorry.
Look, I'm trying to cooperate.
- Mama Dagmar says the pierogis gotta be hot.
- All right. The rules are simple.
The hungry Gothamite who wolfs down
or gobbles up the most Mama Dagmar pierogis
in just five minutes wins.
And waiting right here to crown this year's winner
is Gotham's pierogi Queen herself,
Mama Dagma--oh, she's late?
So no Mama Dagmar.
Do we do any prep work on this show or do you just
send me out here to dangle like a jerk?
All right, fantastic.
Then let's meet our five hungry contestants.
Contestant number one, how are you feeling?
- Feeling good, Jack. [chuckles]
Well, a little nervous, actually.
Uh, at least I hope it's nerves.
Could be Scarecrow drugs. [chuckles]
I mean, if I was dosed with Scarecrow drugs
wouldn't it feel exactly like this?
No, but I'm good...I think.
- Great, so-- - You kn--I know it's been
almost two weeks since Valentine's Day
and the police say the Batman is on it...
but the Joker is still out there, and--
- Okay, we don't really use the J-word
on this program anymore. It's a new policy.
Also, we're discouraging mentioning the Scarecrow
or any of his escalating narcoterrorism. Thank you.
People are trying to enjoy an eating competition.
So moving on.
Contestant number two, are you ready for--
is someone supposed to be sitting in this chair?
Anyone?
Contestant number two left when the bat signal lit up.
Okay, great. This is going great.
"It's not too soon Jack.
"Gotham is ready for a nighttime outdoor
competitive eating contest."
- Move it, Jackson! - Gah!
Last load of pierogis.
Mama Dagmar says the dough's just so
and the meat is sweet.
singers: ♪ Mama Dagmar's famous pierogis ♪
♪ The dough's just so and the meat is sweet ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
Gah. Wow, that was loud.
Ladies, I'm gonna be the one that cues you, okay?
Not the waitress.
Still no Mama Dagmar?
Okay, look, let's just start this thing, okay?
It's only a ninety minute broadcast.
Okay, contestants, on your marks, get set,
let the pierogi pig-out begin. [starting gun fires]
- And they're off! Look at em go.
[contestants munching] Look at...ugh, yuck.
Mickey, where is she?
Mama Dagmar.
Well what am I supposed to do,
just watch them eat?
Okay, here, get that waitress. Miss?
- My name is Harleen Quinzel, Jackson!
I'm new in town but I'm already a big fan of yours.
- Well, that's great. Harleen, did you say?
What can you tell us about these famous pierogis, Harleen?
- Oh, well, Mama Dagmar says the meat is key.
Amen to that.
- Which is weird, 'cause she'd do anything
to avoid paying top dollar for the stuff.
- She what? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh yeah, she's all up in the meat-packing racket.
If it's cheap, it goes in the pierogis.
We're not talking Grade-A meat. No, doctor.
More like Grade "ay chihuahua."
- [laughs] I'm sure you're not--
- Anyway, about a week ago she tried to get cute.
She thought she saw an opportunity
to undercut her wholesaler in the chaos.
Chaos? What chaos?
- Ah, you know how it is since the Penguin
and Two-Face crime syndicates merged.
- I really don't. - Ah, come on.
If you don't see what's going on you must be sellin' pencils.
See, Mama D figured since Penguin and Two-Face were
teamed up, she didn't need to pay out twice.
I guess Two face didn't like her getting wise,
so long story short, Two-Face sent his boys
over here late last night after closing
and you know, looks like Mama Dagmar went
into the kitchen and pierogis came out,
- if you catch my drift. - I definitely don't.
- I'm just saying there was no meat in the freezer
when I closed up last night, and now there's pierogis.
- Oh, my God. - So, yeah.
I don't think Mama Dagmar's gonna show up.
Or she's already here, I guess.
I don't know. This is why I'm vegan.
- Stop eating. Stop. Get that out of your mouth!
Don't eat the pierogis!
singers: ♪ Mama Dagmar's famous pierogis ♪
- Don't! singers: ♪ The dough's just so
♪ And the meat is sweet ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪ - That was not your cue!
- I guess I'll take over from here, Jack.
Hi, Gotham City. I'm Harleen Quinzel.
I think I used to be a doctor?
I'll be honest, the last two weeks have been
really screwy in the dome piece.
I took this job 'cause I didn't know what else to do.
I'm just trying to stay alive
till he gives me a sign, you know?
My darling baby sweet puddin'.
My sweet Mr. J.
If you're watching, puddin' please.
Tell me how to find you. Tell me what to do.
I know we're meant to be together.
Tell me what you want me to do or else...
[husky voice] I'm gonna start guessing.
narrator: Gotham. In a starless sky,
anvils hang over the asphalt.
Join us now for another tale of life and death
in Gotham City.
February 27th, two weeks after the Joker's failed
Valentine's Day catastrophe,
Gotham City stirs to life again.
But sometimes when you live to fight another day,
all that's promised is another beating.
Or in Batman's case, several.
While the Joker remains at large, gangster kingpins
and former rivals the Penguin and Two-Face
have combined their criminal might,
and the mysterious narco-terrorist known
as the Scarecrow remains unidentified,
even as his fear drugs plague the city.
[muffled] But while the city seethes outside,
we rejoin our adventures safe in here.
Apologies for the close quarters.
And don't breathe too deeply, there is limited oxygen.
We are presently inside the cramped confines
of a private safe,
and not just any private safe, but a private safe in the home
of one of Gotham City's wealthiest
and most prominent citizens.
Its twin-dial locking mechanism will only open
for one of three trillion combinations.
There is quite possibly no more secure location
in all of Gotham City.
- [creaking] - [chuckling]
- That is, unless Catwoman is on the premises.
- Well, now, what goodies have we got?
narrator: Goodies too numerous to mention.
A heaping mound of lucre. Gold.
Stock certificates. Jade. Emeralds.
A length of impossibly flawless pearls.
And as Catwoman paws through a cool trillion,
- she is irrepressibly... - Disappointed. [sighs]
narrator: Yes, despite the beguiling treasures
on offer, Catwoman is looking for something
she has not found.
The question of its vexing absence would be
an excellent one for a resident
of the household.
And as luck would have it,
one is waiting patiently nearby.
- You got a fortune in here, cookie.
But I'm known for my particular tastes.
Where is the Ocelot?
[muffled grumbling]
Too loose?
Boy, I thought I tied you up pretty good there,
- but if you say so... - [grunts]
- Let me know when this gets too tight.
- [grunts, yelps] - Thank you.
Now then, I'll take the gag off,
but only after we get a couple things
- ducky between us. - [grunts]
- I'm here for the Ocelot of Paradise.
- [grunts] - Ring a bell?
It's about the size of a grapefruit,
weighs about 10,000 carats
and looks like a big, blue cat's eye?
Now, that'd get my attention any day of the week.
But here's what brought me all the way
out here to the suburbs.
The Ocelot ain't just a honey of a sparkler,
it's a pure Santa Priscan Larimar.
- [grunts] - Yes, that's right.
It's illegal to import it-- really illegal.
Santa Priscan Larimar gives blood diamonds a good name.
Now, you ready for that gag to come off
so you can tell me about your supplier?
[grunts]
I...disagree.
I think you need some extra convincing.
- You know what's good for that? - Hmm?
Hmm. Fireplace tools.
- [yelps] [metal shings]
- Now, then, do you have any idea
why they call this thing a poker?
Let's find out together, shall we?
[rumbling] What the--
narrator: Suddenly as Catwoman stumbles away
from the vast fireplace,
the room fills with a massive cloud of soot.
[coughs]
narrator: As the black cloud billows,
it seems to take solid form.
- [thud] - [coughs]
Put the poker down, Catwoman.
You're not going to hurt that old man.
[coughs] Batman?
Did you just literally drop out of a chimney
like an actual bat?
You are really going method with this thing.
- Catwoman-- - Where does it end?
You already live in a cave.
Tell me you haven't become an insectivore
- Catwoman, this has to stop. - I agree.
Why am I seeing more of you
since I iced you out of my life?
- You're interfering with a situation
I have under surveillance.
It's not the first time.
- You know this guy is moving Santa Priscan Larimar?
- He's not, but he's in contact with people who are--
under my supervision.
- A sting operation? - In progress.
But you jumped the gun.
- Oh, what do you know about guns?
You fight with a boomerang like a weirdo.
But if you want to talk about interference,
let's have that conversation.
You laid out Tooth Gumford last week
- He ran black market guns. - He was my fence,
and he didn't truck with the psychos.
We need that kind of crook on the street.
- No, you need crooks on the street.
I'm sworn to uphold the law.
It's not a judgment call for me anymore, Catwoman.
It's the only sustainable way forward.
Look around.
The combined might of the Penguin
and Two-Face syndicates has driven the small timers
into survival mode.
The ganglands have gone feral.
Gotham is at the tipping point.
- Hey, I stopped doing this because it was fun
a long time ago.
- Then join me. This can't go on.
Why, because you say so?
- In the last two weeks I've cleaned out more
of those small-timers than you'll legally arrest
in two months.
So here's a counteroffer:
stop playing cops and robbers. It's lame.
And it's hopelessly naive.
I'm trying to save the city.
[chuckles] So am I.
I just get paid for it better than you do.
[hostage laughs]
See? Thank you. Exactly.
The GCPD is overwhelmingly corrupt.
You know that, you ridiculous man.
- I have my people. And the resources are more--
- If you think you're in control of the situation
'cause you have your little rooftop pow-wows
with Commissioner Useless, you're Joker crazy.
- Catwoman, this isn't a request.
That does it.
I swore the next time you talked to me like that
would be the last.
You think you're the only one who cares about this city?
- Where are you going? - Back to work.
- You know this means I'll have to p--
No. Here's what this means.
This means war.
Make wise choices, Catwoman.
The next time I see you,
it will be as an officer of the law.
- And that's a close to a threat
as you will ever get with me, Batman.
[window ledge clatters] Oh.
And this is some house, isn't it?
- Be sure to tell your friend Bruce Wayne
he knows how to live.
But he should really invest in a decent security system
if he's going to always be out of town.
- Hmm. I'll make sure to mention it.
- And tell him I'm sorry if I was rough
on his man Jeeves there.
Sorry, Jeeves. [Alfred grunts]
narrator: As Catwoman disappears into the night,
Batman crosses his father's study
to untie poor, faithful Alfred Pennyworth.
- I'm sorry, Alfred. I--
- Old man? - Oh, come, now.
It's theater, Alfred. You appreciate--
- "You're not going to hurt that old man."
- Alfred. - And dropping out
of the chimney-- who do you think
is going to clean up all of that soot?
- I was downstairs when Catwoman finally
made her appearance.
How did you want me to get in?
You would have preferred I crashed in through the windows?
Your precious leaded glass windows?
- I would prefer it if you didn't have Catwoman in
to hash out your differences.
She makes good points. You know this.
- Catwoman may think her street-level chaos
is making a difference,
but it's nothing but crime redistribution.
The city still burns.
- Even so, Catwoman is no ordinary adversary.
And if you insist on having it out
in the alley with her, you might do well to remember
the tale of the Kilkenny Cats.
- Thank you, Alfred. I take your point.
- Because we all remember what happened to the Kilkenny Cats.
- Yes, we do. So there's no need to--
- "There once were two cats from Kilkenny
who each thought there one cat too many."
- Alfred. - "So they scratched
"and they bit and they fought and they fit
"till excepting their nails and the tips of their tails,
instead of two cats, there weren't any."
Excellent recitation.
Thank you. It was.
- But if two cats are your problem,
there's an easy solution.
One has to go back in the bag.
[mysterious music]
narrator: It is said the enemy of my enemy is my friend.
what then is the rival of my adversary?
A question Batman has given himself to answer
in his ongoing exegesis of life and death in Gotham City.
♪ ♪
- Ladies and gentlemen Oswald Cobblepot
could not be here tonight,
but on his behalf, may I welcome you
to the fabulous Iceberg Lounge. [applause]
Now this next number is all about numbers.
please welcome the Count and his "Arithmetic Swing."
- ♪ Now let's sing a song of six guns ♪
♪ A gullet full of rye ♪
♪ Four and 20 blackbirds jute in the pines ♪
♪ And when the pines are rolling ♪
♪ The bats begin to swing ♪
♪ Now, wasn't that a seedy chip to sweat the 403? ♪
[jazzy music]
♪ Whoa ♪ [gunshot bangs]
[music stops] [people screaming]
- Uh, it's okay. It's all right, folks.
Nothing to worry about. I'm sure he'll be fine.
It's just minor flesh wounds.
The Count is not mortally injured.
[off-mic] Gigi, run upstairs
and tell Mr. Cobblepot this has to stop.
Two-Face just shot another one of his nightclub acts.
[on-mic] We're just gonna take a short break folks,
and, uh, the next round is on the house.
- ♪ It is then that I think of y-- ♪
- ...anniversary of the mysterious disappearance
of WayneTech executive Lucius Fox--
- Stock in Janus Cosmetics fell to a market low of--
announcer: [mysterious voice] Prepare yourself
- for the enigmatic... - [whispered] Harlequin.
- The absurd... - [whispered] Harlequin.
- The irrepressible. [laughter]
The Harlequin is coming to Gotham City.
[whispered] Harlequin.
The Harlequin. Coming soon.
♪ ♪
narrator: "Life and Death in Gotham City: Epilogue."
[glass smashes] [cat meows]
On a lonely fire escape
over a grimy South Gotham alleyway,
a lovelorn woman pours her heart into plaintive song.
♪ In the dark, purple dawn ♪
♪ Yes, the sun shall rise anon ♪
♪ And the golden light will play upon my mood ♪
narrator: Two weeks ago Harleen Quinzel met
the man of her dreams.
Maybe it was his smile. Maybe it was his savoir-faire.
Maybe it was a megadose of his psychotropic aphrodisiac
rampaging across her blood-brain barrier.
Love's a mystery.
All Harleen knows is that day she felt brand new,
a freshly stropped razor honed to a perfect edge.
And every day since then she's felt like
a lone shoe dangling from a telephone line--
a wayward half of a necessary pair,
abandoned, precarious, and without purpose.
- ♪ When the rooster does bid me rise ♪
♪ I'll gently shut my eyes ♪
♪ Till the dark purple ♪
♪ Reappears ♪
- Oh, thank you. Thank you. - Boo.
- Now, for my next number, same as the last number.
- Boo. No. - Let's all sing along
to Mr. J's favorite ditty, "Dark Purple Dawn."
- [crowd jeering] - No. Not again.
- ♪ In the dark, purple dawn ♪ [object clatters]
♪ When the moon's g-- ♪ Ow!
Oh, hey, thanks. I actually did want a shoe.
Thank y--ow!
Hey! Hey! [objects clatter]
Who's throwing batteries?
Now that's low class.
Learn a new song!
And sing it in the daytime!
- It's called a moonlight serenade, ya dink!
It's gotta be at night! Ugh!
I'm singing my heart out here! Fine!
It's 'pearls before swine" night in Losertown anyhow.
See ya at the sock hop.
narrator: Climbing back through the window
into her ten-dollar-a-night room,
Harleen heaves an exhausted sob.
- Ugh. narrator: Whatever brought her
to Gotham City two weeks ago
is long forgotten.
She is now living for a love that's slowly killing her.
She has no way to find her beloved,
no way to reach him, no way to make him hear
how badly she needs him.
All she can do is wail
- into the lonesome night. - Aw.
narrator: Finally, vague feelings
of despair begin to form a tragic plan of action.
- My dearest, sweetest, puddinest Mister J.
If you are reading this,
it means I couldn't bear it no longer,
and I have decided to, uh...
ugh, no. Too messy.
Um, I am headed to the top of Wayne Tower to--
oh, yeah right. You and what bus fare?
Come on.
I need a way to snuff it out that's cheap and classy.
Oh! Hold up. I got it.
To the Gotham Zoo,
jaybird nekkid in the polar bear cage.
narrator: Fortunately, fate intervenes
to offer a more dignified solution to her heartache.
- Penguin, yeah. [telephone ringing]
What the-- [tense music]
Who on earth could that possibly--
[phone clicks] Uh, hello?
Hello, Harleen.
This is the Joker.
Oh. My. Galoshes.
- I hope I'm not calling at a bad time.
What? No! Really? Really?
No, it's the absolute best time.
I can't believe this is happening.
Is this really happening?
- No, of course it's not happening.
Aww. It's not?
Don't be ridiculous.
This dump doesn't have a telephone, remember?
Right now you're holding a banana up to your ear.
- Oh, yeah. I did think the reception was awful good
- for a piece of fruit. - Yes.
So obviously, you're quite cuckoo, Harley darlin,
and this call is coming from inside the house,
if you catch my drift.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to me.
Okay, fine. I'm not the Joker, per se.
I'm your heart's desire.
I'm what's keeping the Harley shark swimming,
you know what I'm getting at?
And I just got the distinct impression
you were tossin' in the towel on me, isn't that right?
Lookin' to bite the big bazooka?
- Ooh, I didn't think of a bazooka.
- Yes you did, because I'm you.
I got a better idea.
I think you can still get what you're after.
- Yeah? - Sure.
Quitting is for smokers, right?
You're a go-getter, I can tell.
So if it's a fella you fancy,
maybe you just need to show a little more interest
- in his hobbies. - His hobbies?
- Just spitballing here, but...
did you ever think of trying your hand at crime?
Crime? Me?
Nah, you're right.
I had you pegged wrong. Forget I said it.
What? No! No!
Wait. You think Mr. J would notice me if I--
- Hey I don't know nothin' 'bout nothin'.
I'm just nonsense coming out the end of a banana.
I'm just saying the Clown Prince of Crime
probably only dates other criminal types, you know?
Yeah. Yeah.
Other criminal types. I got it.
- And you got an eye for crime.
Didn't take you long to size up the score
at Mama Dagmar's, did it?
Hey, weren't you even a doctor of crimeology
- or something? - Hey, yeah.
It was something like that.
Well, I better let you go.
You got a lot to think about.
Oh hey, listen, after I hang up,
why don't you go ahead and eat this banana.
They're good for you-- potassium I think.
'Cause trust me, when you finally decide
to go through with what I got in mind,
you're gonna need your strength.
Narrator: As Harleen Quinzel mulls an exciting new career
in the up-and-coming field of villainy,
we mark this page in preparation
for a hasty return to the latest volume
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
To be continued.
[jazzy music]
"Batman: The Audio Adventures,"
written and directed by Dennis McNicholas.
Batman created by Bob Cane with Bill Finger.
Based on characters from DC
with performances by Jeffrey Wright,
Aristotle Athari, Ike Barinholtz,
Rosario Dawson, Steve Higgins,
Toby Huss, Gillian Jacobs,
John Leguizamo, Dennis McNicholas,
Tim Meadows, Seth Meyers,
Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell,
Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers,
Paul Scheer, Pete Schultz,
Brooke Shields, Brent Spiner,
Kenan Thompson, Alan Tudyk,
Bradley Whitford, Melissa Villaseñor,
Eli Brueggemann, Doug Bossi,
Ranjani Brow, Chris Gibney,
Julie Larson, Erica Phillips,
Rosie Phillips, Tony Phillips,
Zoey Phillips, Deirdre Quinn,
Robbie Wyckoff.
Executive producers Jon Berg, Angela Petrella.
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
Executives in charge of production,
Shaleen Desai, Peter Girardi.
Producer, Tyler Dorson.
Production services by Kast Media.
Producer, Colin Thompson.
Coordinating producer, DJ Labelle.
Music by Doug Bossi.
Sound recording, design, and mixing
by Big Yellow Duck.
Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing,
and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney.
Dialogue editing and additional post production
by Julie Larson.
Writers' assistants, Trey Woodard
and Scott Weinstein.
Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips.
The characters and events depicted
in this podcast are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person living or dead
or to any actual events, firms, places, and institutions
or other entities is coincidental
and unintentional.
This podcast is protected under the laws
of the Unites States and other countries,
and its unauthorized duplication, distribution,
or exhibition may result in civil liability
and criminal prosecution.
Country of first publication: United States of America.
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Copyright 2022, Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc.
Batman and all related characters and elements
and trademark and copyright DC.
All rights reserved.
♪ ♪