- "Batman: The Audio Adventures"
- South Gotham Exchange, I'm connecting your call, sir.
- Gotham Bell Telephone Services, please hold.
- I'm sorry, ma'am, that number is unlisted
at the request of the customer.
Yes, this is South Gotham Exchange, number please.
- Yeah, give me the number for Fenton's Butcher Shop.
Hold please, sir.
- And a pleasant evening to you, too, sir.
South Gotham Exchange, how may I direct your call?
My apologies, ma'am, that line is busy.
Yeah, it's busy.
I've been trying that no good rat for the last hour.
Who's he talking to at this hour of the night?
I'm sure I don't know, ma'am.
- Well, just listen in and tell me
if it's that chippie from the betting parlor.
- Number please. - Park Row Dry Cleaners.
Just one moment.
- Gotham Bell Telephone Services.
- Yeah, I need to report a vandalized phone booth.
- I see, and can you tell me how bad the damage is, sir?
- [laughs] Hold your horses, lady.
I ain't even finished with her yet.
- [glass shatters] - South Gotham Exchange.
- He's talking to that coochie-coochie gal
that works at Maxie's, ain't he?
- Ma'am, if the line is still busy, I can--
- That does it. Hey, operator, do me a favor.
Call the morgue and tell them to expect a big, ugly gorilla
and his trashy, wall-eyed side piece.
- Yes, Klosterman 4-1-3-0-0 please.
- I'm sorry, ma'am. That line is out of service.
- Out of service? Well, that makes no sense.
This is Nurse Harper at the Gotham Children's Hospital.
We were expecting a troupe of clowns
to come entertain the children on the ward.
I'm very sorry, Nurse Harper.
I can send a repairman to investigate if you'd like.
- Would you please? The clowns are quite late
and the children are very disappointed.
- South Gotham Exchange, how may I--
- Police! Police! - What's the emergency, sir?
- They stole our clown costumes.
They had guns. Tied us all up.
Sir, I don't understand.
- They got away with our clown costumes.
Someone needs to warn the Children's Hospital.
South Gotham Exchange.
Hi, it's Nurse Harper at
the Children's Hospital again.
Don't worry about sending that repairman.
The clowns are here, and they explained everything.
- Did you say the clowns are there now?
- They should've just told us they needed extra time
to bring the kids their very own ice cream truck.
- South Gotham-- - Help! Help!
A gang of psycho clowns
just stole my ice cream truck.
Oh, good heavens, sir.
I'll connect you with the police.
- What? Police? Are you crazy, lady?
Get me Batman!
- Gotham, an ambulance barreling to your rescue
with a severed brake line.
Join us for another tale of life and death in Gotham City.
March 4, the Gotham City Police Department
squirms under the stubby thumb of brand new
civilian Oversight Board Commissioner Oswald Cobblepot.
It was an audacious power grab
sustained by an equally audacious promise,
that Commissioner Cobblepot would succeed
where Batman had so often failed
at bringing the Joker to justice.
For indeed, the clown prince of crime is still at large,
whereabouts unknown, and a heist crew in floppy shoes
conveniently illustrates the persistent threat.
The still Gotham night is shredded
with a high-octane roar [gunshots, shouting]
of automotive fury mingled with
the unmistakable sound of insipient madness.
- ♪ Here comes the Chiller Diller ice cream man ♪
♪ He comes from the Chiller Diller ice cream land ♪
♪ He drives the streets with frozen treats ♪
♪ For children who have cash ♪
♪ Here comes the Chiller-- ♪ [music fades]
- Ah, yeah. Good shot, Batman.
Holy brain damage, that jingle.
- We need to concentrate, Robin.
They're going to try to lose us in crosstown traffic.
- On darkened streets embroidered with searing neon,
the Batmobile gives frantic chase
to a runaway ice cream wagon.
Its crew, a trio of fugitive clowns,
bellowing colorful profanities [gunfire, shouting]
in a confusion of gunfire and greasepaint.
- Keep eyes on the driver, Robin.
I'm gonna close the gap when the trigger man
- stops to reload. - And clown number three?
- Make sure he doesn't try any funny business.
Batman to Commissioner Gordon.
Gordon here, Batman.
- We intercepted the ice cream truck as it tore out of
the Children's Hospital parking structure.
What have you learned?
- None of the children at the hospital were hurt,
but they weren't the target. It was a heist, Batman.
- As I suspected. They aren't terrorists.
The wheelman is a professional.
- Well, those professionals got access
to the hospital compound, and after they were done
handing out ice cream bars to the children,
they loaded up the coolers in the freezer truck.
- With what? Pharmaceuticals?
- Donor organs, Batman. - Holy chop shop.
- They've already put in ransom demands.
A cool million per organ, payable to the Joker Gang.
- Monitor our position, Commissioner, and stand by.
- Ransoming lifesaving donor organs?
You could say this for the Joker--
he knows his way around a sick gag.
- Someone's pulling strings, but I'm not sure this is
one of the Joker's puppet shows.
- What is it, Batman? - Just a hunch.
Hit them with a surveillance round, Robin.
I want to hear what they're arguing about.
- Targeting them with the eavesdropper.
Firing transmitter. [beeping]
Contact.
- Modulate. - Modulating.
- Hey, what the heck was that? He stuck something to the car.
- Don't worry about it. - Don't worry about it?
What if we blow up? That's something I worry about.
- We got a cooler of organs for sick kids.
He ain't gonna blow the truck up.
He's right about that.
We can't let the truck get damaged.
I can't even hit them with an EM pulse without damaging
the freezer units that are preserving those organs.
- Look, the boss said don't tangle with the Bat.
- You want me to let him catch us, Rico?
Is that your suggestion?
- I'm just saying, we got instructions.
- Pipe down, you two. I can lose them.
I just gotta make it under the expressway.
- The fools. - More trouble, Batman?
- That driver is headed for disaster.
A truck that height will never clear
the North Runcible Underpass.
- I thought you said he was a professional.
I said he was a professional.
I didn't say he was worth what he gets paid.
Hang on. [beeps]
[engines rev]
Time to gum up the works.
Deploy the adhesive foam on my mark.
Now! [whoosh]
- They're losing speed. - We're losing speed.
- I can get in front of them as long as
they're not insane enough to try a shortcut.
- Hang on, I see a shortcut. [crash]
- The truck lands squarely in the middle of the tracks.
[train horn blows]
- Locomotive coming in hot, Batman.
Don't they see it?
- They're wedged between the rails.
Extend the grappling arm. If I can grab their chassis,
we'll haul them clear of the tracks.
- But that will seriously jack up the Batmobile.
If we pull them loose, they'll get away for sure.
- One crisis at a time, Robin. - With flawless timing,
a missive hydraulic claw is launched
and closes hard on the truck's frame.
The Batman crushes the accelerator to the floor,
and the ice cream wagon wrenches free
of the rails' iron grip.
Getting to safety, the wheelman guns it.
The engine roars to life, and the truck peels out.
Escape beckons.
- Batman, the truck is getting away.
- I see it, Robin. There's nothing I can do
while the atomic batteries power cycle.
- The clowns, they're gonna--they're gonna--
[tires screech and crash] [applause]
They're gonna drive right into a police roadblock?
This is the GCPD.
Exit the ice cream truck with your hands up.
Not just any roadblock,
for the wayward ice cream truck has, in fact,
driven head-on into a most unexpected obstacle
and is now sitting serenely half-buried
along with its clownish crew in an enormous pile of--
- Sand? In the middle of Front Street.
Where did a 15-foot tall sand pile come from?
- Why, from the pristine white sand beaches of Santa Prisca.
Powder fine and softer than talcum.
- [laughs] - Penguin.
- Sure enough, the scene has been joined
by that malevolent mafioso, Oswald Cobblepot.
And behind him, the flashbulbs of the press explode.
- What do you think you're doing here?
- Why, I seem to be doing your job, Rob.
[laughter] Yes, so as I was
telling the "Gazette," it was most fortunate.
By happenstance, I had just received a rail shipment
of this beautiful, imported white sand
when I heard the Batman was mis-adventuring again nearby
with some Joker goons.
Now, the sand had been destined to provide authentic atmosphere
at the Iceberg Casino's big indoor beach bingo,
but thinking quickly, I made it available
to the police under my direction
and not a moment too soon, from the look of it.
- We had everything under-- - Stand down, Robin.
He's drawn a crowd and wants a scene.
- But the organ thieves. - Work for him.
He's orchestrated every move of this mayhem
to make himself the hero.
- My fellow Gothamites, now, can we say
this fanciful experiment in law enforcement
has finally failed?
We tried the guy in the bat costume,
and he couldn't handle one crime lord clown.
I say it's time to give sanity a try.
I renew my vow as your civilian police commissioner
to bring the Joker to justice,
so that we may be spared future tragedies
like the one narrowly averted today.
Now then, this sand was expensive.
What say we have that beach bingo right now?
Mr. DeCondor, fetch us a case of the good stuff.
Maestro, music. [music, chatter]
- The gathered rubberneckers waste no time
availing themselves of the prodigious generosity
of Mr. Oswald Cobblepot.
- He's playing us like a fiddle, Batman.
- Harvey's legal assistance is making him bold.
He thinks he's untouchable, and he may be right.
Now, more than ever, I need to get Harvey
- out of Penguin's wretched claw. - Okay, what's the play?
- So far, Dr. Jonathan Crane has completely evaded
my efforts to enlist his assistance,
but I've got a plan underway
that won't fail to get his attention.
There's an old saying.
You can have a ball in Gotham City, but eventually,
it fastens to your ankle with a chain.
Inevitable cause and effect
in the course of life and death in Gotham City.
all: ♪ Happy birthday, dear Georgina ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- Blow out your candles, sweetie.
Pffft! This stinks!
- Okay, sweetie, you're killing me.
You see this over here? She's been like this all day.
- I thought you were supposed to be a big deal in this town
and you can't even get a clown for your kid's eighth birthday?
Big deal boss of the Blind Mice Gang.
What a mope.
- Hey, we talked about this, sweetie.
She wanted clowns. Likes to throw Barbies at them,
and now I gotta tell her-- look, I told you, sweetie.
The clowns I hired were taken hostage at gunpoint.
It's on the news right now. My pearl, my pumpkin, look.
- Excuses. That's what he gives
his only daughter for her birthday, excuses.
Not the pet lion I begged for all year.
Did you miss that memo?
Did you need me to drop a hint on your head?
Sweetie, June bug, princess,
how many ways can I explain that one?
I was all set to give you a lion,
but the lion got away by the cat-lady.
- I hate the cat-lady.
- We all hate the cat-lady, sweetie.
That's why daddy and his business associates
have put 9 million on the barrelhead
to teach her some manners.
- Well, what the doink is taking so long?
- I don't know, sweetie. She's got really bad manners.
Here, if you'll just let me make it up to ya,
I got something better than some old circus lion.
- Better? - Way better.
A big girl birthday gift. Here, look at this beauty.
Do you know what that is? [paper crinkles]
- [gasps] Wow.
- It's a honey of a sparkler, ain't it?
It's named the Ocelot of Paradise.
- A rock with a name? - Yes, honey.
It's a very famous hunk
of a very rare mineral called larimar.
This larimar can only be found
in one place in the whole wide world,
a faraway place called the Island of Santa Prisca.
[waves crashing]
Santa Prisca is a very beautiful place.
A paradise...but even paradise is home to wild beasts.
[ocelot roars]
Not just ferocious jungle cats
like the ocelot, but men.
Very bad men who do very bad things.
And when they are finished, they leave the leftovers
on the white sand beaches for the crabs to eat.
You don't deal with them and their cartel
unless it's very, very important that you do.
Like for a daddy's precious angel's birthday.
Oh, Daddy, it's so beautiful.
I've never seen anything like it.
- Daddy had to smuggle it. It's against the law
to even have it in Gotham City, sweetheart.
And you got it for me?
Just for my sweet princess.
- Oh, Daddy, it must be worth a fortune.
- It's worth a lot, pumpkin. A whole lot.
- Good. [glass rattles]
Then add it to the 9 million on Catwoman.
That'll get the lead out.
- What? Your birthday present?
- My birthday present is gonna be payback.
I want to see that two-bit, second-story job get greased.
Ruin my big day, will ya? I don't think so, whiskers.
Not without a return of the compliment.
- I'm so proud of my little girl.
She's growing up.
Add the rock to the Catwoman bounty.
My kid wants a dead cat, and she's gonna get a dead cat.
Hi, I'm Jack Ryder.
For all you cinema loving insomniacs out there,
I'll be hosting the Midnight Movie Matinee
right here on Gotham City One.
Classic films presented in their--
[bell tolls] Oh, no. The stroke of midnight.
The transformation is happening.
I'm once again becoming-- [laughs]
The Midnight Creeper. [eerie music]
What is this costume, by the way, guys?
Like, what am I supposed to be? [wolf howls]
Join me at midnight when I emerge from the shadows
to tickly your spooky bone with the greatest
classic horror films from the Golden Age of Argus Studios.
[evil laugh] The Midnight Movie Matinee
with me, the Midnight Creeper, only on Gotham City One.
[upbeat music] Are we locked in on yellow
for the skin color? It just looks sickly.
Like, almost a jaundice.
- Life and death in Gotham City.
Epilogue.
In a flophouse behind an incinerator,
inside of a decommissioned explosives dump,
the Clown Prince of Crime sits upon a squalid throne.
His failure with the dark purple dawn event
has him in a weeks' long dark purple funk.
Kept company by no one, save his trusty handyman
Charley Charleyhorse, the Joker spends
most of his days indolent and listless.
But today's delivery of the "Gotham Gazette"
has seen a little coal thrown on the belly fire.
- Hand me some more balloons, would ya?
And read that part again, Charley.
- According to witnesses, the trio of Joker employees
proceeded to pilfer a kidney
intended for Timmy Winchell, age eight,
a liver intended for Sally--
- They got me stealing organs? Oh, that is pure hack.
Like I'd ever--what's funny about that?
Can you imagine me, down in the basement
of some hospital scooping up sweetbreads?
Does that sound like my style?
I wouldn't be caught dead in a morgue.
- [chuckles] Dead in the morgue.
Good one, boss.
- Oh, spare me your charity laughs, Charley.
That was a stinker.
I'm having an off night, and I know it.
Even these balloons aren't cheering me up,
and brother, if there's one lesson they drill into ya
in clown college is that you don't wanna know
from the problem a balloon can't solve.
Say, turn to the funnies, Charley.
I wanna see what that bat-mite is up to today.
Hee hee hee hee. I love that little guy.
Have you seen this bat-mite, Charley?
Little screwball in a cape and mask.
[laughs]
Little guy thinks he's making a difference.
[laughs]
[crash]
Well, hope we got enough balloons, Charley.
I think a party's about to start.
- Two burly galoots with snub-nosed pistols
- suddenly rush the room. - Surprise, Joker.
- Hey, what's the big-- - Can it, you.
- [gunshot] - [groans]
- What the FCC violation? You shot Charley.
- Yeah, and you're next, clown. Your luck has run out.
- You just better hope he's okay.
He's the only straight shooting ten percenter in this town.
- Just back against the wall and don't try anything funny.
- Don't try anything funny? So an improv show then?
You know, you could've given me some prep time.
- Yeah, I bet you're surprised to see us, huh?
- You're not easy to find, clown.
Well, I don't hang around
in a lot of doughnut shops, Officer.
Hey, who says we're cops?
- Mostly your $4 haircut and those faux-talion loafers.
Uggo. Oh, also, your stale dialogue.
- Yeah, well, bad news for you. We don't work for Gordon.
- And we're off the clock anyhow.
- Oh, I'm not confused about what's happening here, boys.
Ozzie's calling the shots now at the cop shop.
The bird's got a new cap and I'm a big, silly feather.
Joker takes another balloon
and fills it at the bright green tank.
- So fellas, I get it... you got a trigger to pull
'cause this clown ain't gonna rub himself out,
and thank goodness for that, because...eww.
But real quick, before I test drive
that third nostril you got for me--
can I offer you boys a balloon?
- What? - A balloon, you know?
They're fun for some reason.
They float. I don't know.
Look, what kind of clown would I be
if I didn't offer you boys balloons?
- The purple orb bounces merrily
at the end of a green ribbon, dancing in the wisps
of acrid gun smoke remaining in the stale air.
- You believe this guy? [chuckles]
Boy, he really is loony as a moon bat.
You don't get it.
This is curtains for you, funny man.
- No to the balloons? Okay then.
86 the balloons, I guess,
but you're gonna wish you took 'em.
There's a reason they always say
never pass up a dying clown's last balloon.
Unless they never say that, in which case, they should.
- Pulling a very large stickpin from his lapel.
- [bell chimes and balloons pop] - [laughs]
- What the-- - Hey, what the--
- You think scaring us like that is funny?
- No, I think scaring you like this is funny.
Those balloons weren't filled with helium.
- Hee hee. - What's that supposed to mean?
It means the joke's on you.
You won't make it to your car. [laughs]
- Now, you listen here, you wise guy.
I ain't got time for your games.
- No, you haven't got time for this conversation either.
Hee hee hee!
You've got seconds till you start
foaming at the mouth and convulsing.
If you've never done nerve gas before,
it's bracing. [laughs]
Me? [inhales]
I do a little nerve gas on the reg.
- I don't smell anything. - Of course not, you schmuck.
It's odorless nerve gas.
This is a comedy act, and odors aren't funny.
- [groans] - Honestly, you ever hear
someone say this smells funny?
- [groans] - Well, I guess I have.
That weird bologna they got
at Fenton's Butcher Shop smells funny.
All kinds of things smell funny. Okay.
- But nothing smells hilarious. - [groans]
- Look, the point is, the nerve agent
has already begun to paralyze your limbic system.
I don't know what that is,
but I'm sweating like a pig over here.
- You're always sweating like a pig.
What do I do?
- Well, you could try holding your breath.
[inhales]
- Oh, shoot. He actually did it.
I'm kidding.
That's the last thing you want to do.
- [exhales] Oh, my gahh-- - Think, Vinny, think.
Open a window or something.
- Tell you what. Let's play a game.
- Hey, hey, hey. We said no games, clown.
- There's that bum dialogue again.
Ugh. Listen, you'll want to
play this game because if you win,
I'll give you the antidote and you'll get to kill me.
There's an antidote?
- There's always an antidote, Vinny.
It's the bass clef of the symphony.
- Reaching into his vest pocket,
the Joker produces a deck of purple playing cards.
Look carefully, gentlemen.
You'll never see my fingers leave my gloves.
Speaking of which, boys,
when did manly men stop wearing opera gloves?
Did I miss something? I wanna blame social media.
- What is this? - Glad you asked.
This is a very special deck of cards I carry.
I bought this deck of cards on my very first day
in Gotham City, and you know what I did?
I threw out everything but the red cards.
Kept nothing but the hearts and diamonds
because I came to Gotham
with nothing but love and riches to share.
- I got two red aces. Is that good?
- I have a red three and a red six.
- But see, when I cut the cards and dealt
that first hand with my nice, new deck,
I didn't realize who I was playing against.
You know who I'm talking about.
Oh, Mr. Clubs and Spades, himself.
Violence and the grave dressed in black.
And here I am with nothing but love and money.
Diamonds are awful hard, boys, but hearts can be broken.
And so, now every time he beats me down,
I'm forced to add a black card to the deck.
- So wait, wait-- red cards are bad?
- I got the king of hearts. Is that good?
- Hold on. What game are we playing?
- I know, right? What is this game?
Does Batman actually think he's winning?
I think I feel dizzy.
- Because you see, the truth is I'm in the lead
and my lead grows every time we play.
See, in any game with real stakes,
the winner is the one who keeps the other players
sitting at the table until he's made his play.
- The Joker has dealt himself the ace of clubs.
- You got the black card. - Did we win?
- Lotta winners tonight, champ, but the news is mixed.
The good news is you really caught me flat-footed
when you came in, so I panicked and told a fib.
There was never any poison gas in this room.
- What? But the balloons-- - Yeah, I'm a clown.
But now, the cards you're holding are lousy with poison.
- What? - Makes you wish you wore
opera gloves, too, doesn't it?
But no, you have to be a slave to fashion.
[groans]
- Feeling a tingling up your arms now, aren't ya?
There's that foaming of the mouth.
- Your knees will buckle next. - [groans]
- You know what? I'm not going to narrate
your symptoms as they happen.
I don't think it accomplishes anything.
And all of a sudden, I've got a full dance card.
- If Penguin wants war-- - [choking]
- Don't bother renting rehearsal space.
We're going live in prime time.
- A cataclysmic clash of criminal colossi?
Be sure to grab your front row seat for the next tale
of life and death in Gotham City.
To be continued...
- "Batman: The Audio Adventures,"
written and directed by Dennis McNicholas.
Batman created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger.
Based on characters from DC.
With performances by Jeffrey Wright,
Aristotle Athari, Ike Barinholtz,
Rosario Dawson, Steve Higgins,
Toby Huss, Gillian Jacobs,
John Leguizamo, Dennis McNicholas.
Tim Meadows, Seth Meyers,
Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell,
Katie Rich, Ben Rogers,
Paul Scheer, Pete Schultz,
Brooke Shields, Brent Spiner,
Kenan Thompson, Alan Tudyk,
Bradley Whitford, Melissa Villaseñor,
Eli Brueggemann, Doug Bossi,
Ronjini Brown, Chris Gibney,
Julie Larson, Erica Phillips,
Rosie Phillips, Tony Phillips,
Zoey Phillips, Deirdre Quinn,
Robbie Wyckoff.
Executive producers, Jon Berg, Angela Petrella.
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
Executives in charge of production,
Shaleen Desai, Peter Girardi.
Producer, Tyler Dorson.
Production services by Cast Media.
Producer, Colin Thompson.
Coordinating producer, DJ Lubel.
Music by Doug Bossi.
Sound recording, design, and mixing
by Big Yellow Duck.
Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing,
and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney.
Dialogue editing and additional post-production
by Julie Larson.
Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips.
The characters and events
depicted in this podcast are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person
living or dead or to any actual events,
firms, places, and institutions or other entities
is coincidental and unintentional.
This podcast is protected under the laws
of the United States and other countries,
and its unauthorized duplication,
distribution, or exhibition
may result in civil liability and criminal prosecution.
Country of first publication: United States of America.
"Batman the Audio Adventures,"
copyright 2022, Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.
Batman and all related characters and elements
are trademark and copyright DC.
All rights reserved.
[light sneaky music]