- "Batman: The Audio Adventures."
[TV set clicks] [gunshots, hollering]
[clicks] [Theremin music]
- No joy in Gothamville tonight.
At the top of the ninth, one on, 4-1 lead
for the Barnstormers trying to put this one away.
Gotham Gaslamps star Swat Fleischacker steps in.
Hitless today with his 57-game hitting streak
perilously on the line.
- Swat has not looked good since the Lamps have
- been on the road, Lou. - Not good at all.
This is not the way Swat wanted to tee up
his triumphant return to Gotham this weekend.
You know, Stiv, the pressure seems to be getting to him
as he nears the winter league hit record.
Pressure is the word.
No doubt more than a few bets riding on Swat
- and his magic bat tonight. - You got that right.
Heck, you're down for 10 large, aren't you, Stiv?
- You know you're not supposed to say that on the air, Lou.
Come on, man, Loretta is going to divorce me.
She is serious this time.
[click] [tuba playing stutteringly]
♪ ♪
- Okay. [applause]
Miss Yvonne Plunkett and her...terrific tuba.
[chuckles] How about a round of applause
for another beautiful... and talented contestant,
but there can only be one Miss Gotham City.
♪ She's the acme ♪
♪ She's the apex ♪
♪ Free from physical defects ♪
♪ She's our Miss ♪
♪ Gotham City ♪
♪ Ain't it a pity most girls aren't as pretty ♪
♪ As Miss Gotham City ♪
- That's all 28 of our lovely hopefuls,
and now the judges will-- what's that?
One more contestant?
- Hey, out of the way. One side, girls.
Hunk of real woman coming through.
- What the--who are you supposed to be?
- Oh, I'm custodial services, mac,
here to mop the floor with these leggy ding-dongs.
You call that talent, girlies? Huh?
Thought at least one of you would be doing
a soft-shoe while, I don't know,
fastballing hamsters into a wood chipper, but no, doctor.
Not a lot of competition here tonight.
This ought to be a cinch.
- And what's with the clown costume, anyway?
- Hey, good question. [gun cocks]
Buy a ticket to the circus and find out, mac.
- [crowd gasps] - Security.
- Can someone-- - Sing the song.
- Uh... ♪ She's the tops ♪
[hesitantly] ♪ She's the summit ♪
♪ She's just perfect, dad-gummit ♪
♪ She's Miss Gotham City ♪
[gun cocks] [groans]
- Please take it easy. - Yeah, okay, toothpaste.
Next time you try to carry a tune, bring a bucket.
[microphone screeches] Now, then.
Sorry, Gotham City, but this is a dedicated performance
for an audience of one.
You know who you are, my sweet puddin'.
Or maybe you don't.
Eh, that's violent psychopathy for you, right?
So if you need a refresher course,
you're tall, chemically-bleached,
and handsome-adjacent, grading on a curve.
You're the Clown Prince of Crime, of course.
And you don't know it yet,
but I'm your number one second banana.
I just gotta ask you to be patient
a little longer, puddin'.
I need everything to be perfect,
and that means I wait
till the magic bat comes back to town.
Trust me, it's gonna be socko.
We're gonna turn a dog into sausages.
The whole nine.
And anyhow, what's your rush, buster--
and hey, what are you watching this trash for, anyhow?
Aww, come on, you don't see anything you like
in this flock of turkeys, do you?
Huh? [crowd gasps]
What the heck are you ogling other dames for?
I'll show you a real woman
who knows how to commit to a bit.
Okay, Rosso, Nero,
wheel that stuff out here. [glasses clinking]
- Here, boss? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's good. Make sure the camera can see.
Oh, and give Nero a sack of potatoes too.
And now, without further ado,
I'd like to show this town and my puddin'
a real class talent.
Please enjoy as I play George Frideric Handel's
"Water Music" on the musical wine glasses...
[glass chimes] While my two associates
pelt me merciless-like with a hail of raw Idaho taters.
[water glasses chiming] Okay, let her rip, boys.
[both laughing] Ooh! Ow! Ah!
Not the face! [groaning]
[laughing]
Welp, either I need to look
into an industrial-grade restraining order,
or I just laid eyes on the gal of my dreams.
[laughing maniacally]
narrator: Gotham, the ball and chain
on a drowning fugitive.
Join us now for another tale
of life and death in Gotham City.
March 6th.
A series of masterful manipulations
has seen malevolent mafioso Oswald Cobblepot
installed as oversight commissioner
of the Gotham City PD.
But the Penguin has learned seizing a wriggling fish
is not the same as swallowing it.
Having failed thus far to make good on his promise
to rid the city of the Joker, Commissioner Cobblepot feels
mounting pressure from cops and citizens alike to deliver.
Meanwhile, the longer Catwoman eludes the price on her head,
the larger the bounty grows
and the shorter her list of options.
Silhouetted upon this lurid backdrop,
the Dynamic Duo makes a daring effort
to save a man from his mind.
The sumptuous guest suites at the Iceberg Lounge
are seldom to be found with a vacancy.
Any night of the week sees the house at capacity
with sharps on benders, twists having trysts,
and a preposterous array of assumed names
filling the guest registry.
But one room is reserved
for a single, very special resident,
or is that a famous pair?
- [knock on door] - Room service, Mr. Dent.
Dr. Crane says it's time for your evening meds.
narrator: Room 222 on the second floor
is the present residency of Harvey "Two-Face" Dent.
Having recently been tucked into bed
with another megadose of JoyCure,
the fractured felon is now sleeping peacefully.
[mumbles and snores]
narrator: But little does he know
he's put in for an early checkout.
An impossibly sleek black watercraft
bobs gracefully in the harbor
outside the floating Iceberg Lounge,
and in the cockpit, Robin the Boy Wonder
lowers a pair of binoculars with grim satisfaction.
Robin to Batman.
Perimeter security didn't see a thing.
- You got in clean. - I'm not in yet.
Harvey has a dedicated security detail.
Dr. Crane has been randomly glitching
their surveillance all night,
so the stage is set for me to make my move.
- Copy that. I have the boat in position
to pick up the package.
Standing by in submersible mode.
[submarine whooshing] [water bubbling]
- [radar beeping] - Commissioner Gordon is
going to light the Bat-Signal momentarily.
When Crane sees it, he'll disable the cameras
one last time, then I move in.
- What if Two-Face gives you trouble?
- According to Crane, the JoyCure
has left him almost docile,
but he's paralyzed with indecision without his coin.
- Yeesh. - He will comply
with almost any command rather than be forced
to make the decision to resist.
That will make him easy to move,
but I shudder to think what it means
for his rehabilitation.
First order of business is
a full medical detox from JoyCure.
Do you have to?
I kind of like the sound of this Two-Face.
- I've been doing research on JoyCure.
It's imperative we get him weaned off of it
before he develops a dependency.
Going radio silent. Monitor their communications
and be ready to pick up Harvey for exfiltration.
- Batman out. - Good luck, Batman.
I hope Harvey Dent appreciates what you do for him.
narrator: Above the city, across the water,
the Bat-Signal illuminates on cue
and the Boy Wonder tunes his receiver frequency.
- [static crackles] - Further instructions.
Mr. Gemini is secure under lockdown.
Repeat: Mr. Gemini is in his twin bed, over.
- Team leader, this is surveillance.
Go ahead.
- I got cameras out down here again.
It's been happening all night.
- Copy that. All positions check in.
- This is Sardine. All clear in the hallway.
- Fluke here. All clear in room 222.
- It's Flounder. All secure on the balcony.
Nothing going on out here.
Bat-Signal went up a minute ago.
- Yuh-oh.
- Somebody's gonna have a rough night.
- [chuckles] - Yep, sucks to be them.
- And they don't know what's coming.
You never think the signal's for you.
It's the odds.
900 crimes a night in this town,
what are the odds I'm the yegg that gets caught?
Hey, I heard something.
I'm gonna go check it out real quick.
Heating duct's making noise.
I might have to call maintenance.
Copy that, Sardine.
Hey, Fluke, you think
they really call him with that thing?
- What the Bat-Signal? Oh, no way.
That's not what it's for. Don't kid yourself.
- But what's it for, then? - Oh, it's a transmitter
for sub-trans-nebular omega rays.
- You said omega rays? - Yeah, that's what it is.
It shoots out omega rays along a trans-nebular vortex vector.
They travel on an astral photonic sub-frequency,
so we're probably getting blipped right now.
- What the frig are omega rays?
- What, are you stupid? Reverse engineered
alien technology from Wayne Enterprises
in partnership with GCPD. Mind control.
Also makes you sterile. It's why these days,
I always keep my privates wrapped in tinfoil.
Oh, Fluke.
- Yeah, you know, better safe than sorry.
- You know, Fluke, you ain't right ever since
Penguin put you in the fish tank for the weekend.
- Hey, I had a lot of time to think when I was in there.
A lot of things make sense to me now.
Like, you think Batman just invents
those crazy gizmos he's got?
And the car? No way.
Recovered alien tech from planet Zur-en-arrh
supplied to him by black budget projects
at Wayne Industries. Ask Sardine.
His cousin works at Wayne. Tell him, Sardo.
[static crackles]
- Sardine, you check out that noise?
- [groaning] - I didn't copy--
- [strained] Batman.
[groans]
- Did he say-- - Already on it.
Clearing evac route. Do we have--
- Alert, all positions. I got cameras back.
Can confirm we have been infiltrated by the Batman.
- [alarm blaring] - You can't be serious.
- Flounder, he's coming your way.
- Oh, no. - He's coming around--
He's in the hallway.
My God, he's fast. He's--
[crashing]
We have another agent down.
Room 222, be advised.
The Batman is moving on your position.
- What do I do? - He's passing room 200.
- 208. - Oh, God.
- Listen to me, Fluke. This is team leader.
Hold position in room 222
and prepare for solo engagement with--
- [laughing] - What is that?
- Are you laughing? - 212, 218--
- Get ahold of yourself. You have a job to do.
What is so damn funny?
No, it's just...
you never think the signal's there for you.
[crash] [groans]
[static crackling]
narrator: Harvey Dent is feeling a peace
that is the perfect inverse
of the coming fury of Oswald Cobblepot.
Two sides of a plug nickel
called life and death in Gotham City.
Who knows what evil dwells
in the heart of the dark of the city?
One lone defender of the night, Bat-Mite!
- [bright music] - Hey, boys and girls.
You've seen him at the cinema.
You've seen him in the funny papers.
Now Bat-Mite needs your help in his crime-busting crusade.
Heed the call.
He wants you to join the Mite Brigade.
- I'm serious. - Tell your parents
to subscribe to home delivery of the "Gotham Gazette,"
and we'll send you your official
Bat-Mite junior crime-fighting kit.
You'll get everything you need for an afternoon
of wholesome crime-busting fun.
A rope, a mask, a black bodysuit,
a lockpick, a pair of custom-made handcuffs,
a glass cutter, and a sack of smoke bombs.
What could go wrong? [boing]
Sounds like the first mystery for you to solve
as a member of the Mite Brigade.
singers: ♪ He's out on the prowl ♪
♪ In his cape and his cowl ♪
♪ ♪
♪ So you evildoers best beware ♪
♪ ♪
narrator: Gotham, a windmill
spinning backwards on a still night.
Join us now for another tale
of life and death in Gotham City.
Two-Face floats peacefully
in the featureless void of his deep unconscious.
[groaning]
- Don't move, Harvey. - [as the Other] Batman?
- Sleep now, Harvey. I'm getting you out of here.
narrator: The last thing he remembers
is the hiss of the aerosol
and the acrid smell of potent hypnotic gas.
But as his consciousness slowly rises to the surface,
the sound that beckons him is the voice of...
- a friend? - Harvey.
narrator: Two-Face slowly opens one eye.
He lays in a lavish four-poster bed.
At his side, tending to him like a faithful valet,
is Bruce Wayne.
- Well, it's a cinch you ain't Batman.
- Easy. Batman brought you here
to stay with me for a little while.
- [sighs] The last thing I remember--
now I'm--hey.
I know this place.
narrator: Slowly, Harvey's other eye flutters open.
- [as Harvey] Bruce? - Welcome back, Harvey.
Been a while since you came by the house.
- Bruce, what--
what's happening here?
- You're going through a tough time.
I thought you could stay here for a while,
that is, if your partner won't cause me any trouble.
- [as the Other] Who, me? - Yes, you.
- What did I do? - I have concerns about you.
- You also got a liquor cabinet, Fauntleroy?
Of course.
- Then what do I got to be sore about?
[as Harvey] Bruce, Bruce, you don't understand,
I have a lot of work left to do for the Penguin.
- You don't work for him anymore.
He's got big plans, Bruce.
What we've done for him,
it will all collapse without us, Bruce.
Do you know what the Penguin will do
when he starts to lose it all?
Please lie back down, Harvey.
You can tell me later.
- Right now, what I need is-- - Wait, wait.
narrator: Harvey's eye lights upon
a large leather-bound book
sitting next to a steaming cup of tea
on his bedside table.
- This book. "Don Quixote."
- I thought you might like something to read.
- One man, both a hero and a fool.
- You remember it. - The press,
they called Harvey Dent "DA Don Q," didn't they?
Deluded, certain to fail in a decrepit crusade
to rid Gotham of its monsters.
- And they called me your Sancho Panza.
I'm still willing to fight your windmills with you, Harvey.
narrator: Harvey Dent looks into the eyes
of his erstwhile friend.
The caring and compassionate
and strangely familiar eyes.
- [as the Other] Say, a book this old and ugly
must cost a pretty penny.
[as Harvey] Careful, please. This...
is a Rothchild House edition.
Very few survived the Great London Fire.
Wait, we gave you this book.
Check the inscription.
"To Bruce, faithful squire."
No, we didn't give you this book.
I gave you this book.
Harvey, all I need from you
is some legality to your stay here,
to protect us both from Oswald Cobblepot.
- What? Oh, yeah. Of course.
[clears throat] All right, call this number.
You know Judge Hellman?
- He's cheated me in a few rounds of golf.
- Tell him you're filing an emergency petition
for guardianship under subsection D
of the Valstead Code with expedited process
pursuant to a physician's examination.
- Brilliant. [knock on door]
- Excuse me, sir. - Hey, it's Alfred.
[as the Other] He the mope that takes the drink orders?
- A pleasure to have your company once again, sir.
- Would you excuse me a moment, Harvey?
- There's a car coming up the front drive, Master Bruce.
- Dr. Crane. He's here for his payment.
Did the film canisters arrive from the Wayne Media archives?
They did, and they're on
the receiving table in the grand foyer.
Shall I invite the doctor into the study?
No, stay with Harvey.
As soon as I've dealt with Crane,
I'll work up the detox protocol.
Harvey will start to withdraw imminently.
- We can't let that happen. - Very good, sir.
- And let me know when Robin comes back in from patrol.
narrator: In a moment, Bruce Wayne is downstairs
opening the vast front door of his father's home
to greet the late arrival.
- Good evening, Doctor. - Mr. Wayne.
Thank you for receiving me at this hour.
I confess, I could scarcely wait to get my goodies.
- Your patient is resting comfortably, Doctor.
Thank you for your concern.
Ah, yes. Splendid.
Are those the film canisters over there?
- That's it--the complete and uncut master print
of Basil Karlo's infamous final film.
- There was only ever one private screening.
15 studio executives...
thought they had what it took to face "The Second Skin."
The toughest of them made it through the opening credits,
but before the first scene was finished,
he had put his own eyes out like everyone else.
They say the worst part of finding that screening room
full of eyeless men is what blissful relief
they seemed to be enjoying, staring at the ceiling
with empty sockets as the tail end
of the film reel flapped in the empty projector.
- A grotesque story and an excellent reason
for why I'm adjusting the terms of our deal.
Adjusting?
- I'm not letting you take the film off the premises.
You can examine it here freely in my screening room,
but at no point does the film ever leave my supervision.
As you've just said, it's dangerous.
Hardly honorable.
- And yet it's the right thing to do.
- The film must remain here at Wayne Manor, you said.
- Those are the only terms I'll accept.
- What luck. I was already planning
on staying a while,
so your terms are perfectly acceptable.
I beg your pardon? Staying?
- In the capacity of your personal physician.
You've got a long recovery ahead of you.
Recovery?
I don't need medical attention, Doctor.
- Well, not yet. [cannister pops, fizzes]
- What-- [choking]
narrator: In an instant, Bruce Wayne finds himself
choking on a roiling plume of orange gas
that billows from the coat sleeve
of the suddenly aggressive alienist.
- What? No. narrator: When the gas begins
to clear, a face swims out of the acrid fog.
A hideous face wrapped in rotten patchwork burlap.
Scarecrow.
- Oh, you poor, little orphan boy.
What exquisite fears you must have
in the pit of your pampered soul.
I confess, after you left my office,
I couldn't get my mind off the thought of little Bruce
standing in an alley behind the movie theater,
wracked by a fear that, to this very day,
gnaws you raw from the inside.
Dear Father-- [gunshot]
Dear Mother-- [gunshot]
- I'll take that necklace you're wearing, lady.
- You're back there right now, aren't you?
- [coughs] - Yes, yes, that's--
that's a potent batch there.
Very specially formulated.
Eventually, I'm gonna use it on the Batman,
but I'm very excited about this little test run.
[chuckles] Now then, to the dining room.
Get the fine china out. [crash, hollering]
narrator: Scarecrow's faithful motorcycle gang, Dem Bones,
ride a dozen strong
into the grand foyer of Wayne Manor.
- I am gonna eat your fears, little orphan boy.
narrator: Bruce Wayne now knows the secret identity
of the Scarecrow, but he is brought low by the discovery.
As Wayne Manor is overrun by the vile Scarecrow gang,
the evening forecast is horror with a chance of madness.
And what of Alfred and Two-Face?
Stay tuned for the answers in an imminent tale
of life and death in Gotham City.
- From the distant reaches of space,
to the phantom planet Zur-en-arrh--
- These three contestants will compete for cash
and fabulous prizes on--
- First pitch from Deskin. Fastball. Strike one.
Swat Fleischacker has struck out three times today,
and he fouled out to Caluwe last time.
- Sorry to say the magic in that bat might've run out.
That's bad news if you're betting on Swat
keeping his hitting streak alive.
And we know you are despite
your many broken promises to your family.
Why, Lou? Just why?
- Deskin gets the sign and--what's this?
Swat chose bunt, and now Beltran charges down the line.
Look out! Holy mercy.
Fleischacker fakes the bunt and swings away.
Beltran goes down as the ball caroms off his kneecap.
- I can't patella lie, Lou. That's gonna hurt.
- [groaning] - That is very clever,
but the man is gruesomely injured.
Runner advances, Fleischacker is safe,
and the streak is at 58.
Swat's magic bat comes through with an old-school fake-out,
and finally, the Gaslamps show some--
narrator: Life and death in Gotham City--epilogue.
- Gaslamps faithful breathing a sigh of relief tonight
after rookie Toots Tully crushed a Deskin meatball
high off the right field foul pole for a game-winning
homerun to secure another unlikely rally.
Final score, Gaslamps win 5-4.
And if it's meatballs that you like,
head on down to the new Mama Dagmar's Diner
- where every-- - Yes. Yes, Maxie,
I saw the game. Yes. [bird squawking]
Yes, it was a close one.
Don't get your toga in a knot. They won, didn't they?
Whatever you bet on the Lamps tonight,
let it ride. Double it, if you can.
Swat Fleischaker's hot streak will hold out.
You can count on it. How do I know?
[chuckles]
How does anyone know anything in this town?
Because the fix is in on the next Gaslamps game.
[laughs]
As I say, bet with confidence.
Bet the farm even, old boy.
Does Mount Olympus have farms? I don't even know.
At any rate, the worst odds in the city
will still pay out a fortune.
You have my word.
Oh, Maxie, you make rigging
a baseball game sound difficult.
Nothing in Gotham City is beyond my influence right now.
This is a trifling demonstration of my reach.
Are you doubting me, Maxie?
You heard what? Well, don't be ridiculous.
Instability, in my organization?
What--oh, come now, this isn't Santa Prisca.
This is Gotham City.
Things couldn't be better.
[phone clicks] [groans]
Things couldn't be worse, Mr. DeCondor!
My business partner and legal counsel is abducted.
My crooked cops can't kill a single psychopathic clown.
My empire is besieged by incompetence!
All of my carefully laid plans are crumbling.
And now I have to figure out
how to rig a bloody baseball game
to keep the natives from getting restless?
How the flying fish am I supposed to do that?
Prithee, Providence, where did I do thee insult?
Cool down, Oswald.
You want to be the first penguin
to ever die of heat stroke?
Catwoman?
How do you keep getting in here?
I am so tired of you hospitalizing my employees.
- Relax--I'm the answer to your sweaty little prayers.
I heard you need to catch a clown.
You give me protection from this price on my head,
I'll get you your clown.
narrator: Life and death in Gotham City,
to be continued...
"Batman: The Audio Adventures,"
written and directed by Dennis McNicholas.
Batman created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger.
Based on characters from DC.
With performances by Jeffrey Wright,
Aristotle Athari, Ike Barinholtz,
Rosario Dawson, Steve Higgins,
Toby Huss, Gillian Jacobs,
John Leguizamo, Dennis McNicholas,
Tim Meadows, Seth Meyers,
Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell,
Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers,
Paul Scheer, Pete Schultz,
Brooke Shields, Brent Spiner,
Kenan Thompson, Alan Tudyk,
Bradley Whitford, Melissa Villaseñor,
Eli Brueggemann, Doug Bossi,
Ronjini Brown, Chris Gibney,
Julie Larson, Erica Phillips,
Rosie Phillips, Tony Phillips,
Zoey Phillips, Deirdre Quinn,
Robbie Wyckoff.
Executive producers, John Berg, Angela Petrella.
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
Executives in charge of production,
Shaleen Desai, Peter Girardi.
Producer, Tyler Dorson.
Production services by Cast Media.
Producer, Colin Thompson.
Coordinating producer, DJ Lubel.
Music by Doug Bossi.
Sound recording, design, and mixing
by Big Yellow Duck.
Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing,
and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney.
Dialogue editing and additional post-production
by Julie Larson.
Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips.
The characters and events depicted
in this podcast are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person
living or dead or to any actual events,
firms, places, and institutions or other entities
is coincidental and unintentional.
This podcast is protected under the laws
of the United States and other countries,
and its unauthorized duplication,
distribution, or exhibition
may result in civil liability and criminal prosecution.
Country of first publication, United States of America.
"Batman: the Audio Adventures,"
copyright 2022,
Warner Brothers Entertainment Incorporated.
Batman and all related characters and elements
are trademark and copyright DC.
All rights reserved.
[jazz music]
♪ ♪