1
00:00:02,378 --> 00:00:05,048
narrator: "Batman:
The Audio Adventures."
2
00:00:06,549 --> 00:00:09,719
[indistinct voices whispering]
3
00:00:14,690 --> 00:00:15,958
Where am I?
4
00:00:16,058 --> 00:00:17,427
Where are you?
5
00:00:17,527 --> 00:00:19,595
Well, now what kind of question
is that, son?
6
00:00:19,695 --> 00:00:21,464
- Father?
- You didn't fall asleep,
7
00:00:21,564 --> 00:00:23,633
- did you, Bruce?
- Mother?
8
00:00:23,733 --> 00:00:25,635
Mother, it's-it's dark.
9
00:00:25,735 --> 00:00:27,270
- Well, it is a movie theater,
Bruce.
10
00:00:27,370 --> 00:00:28,771
- Welcome
to the Monarch Theater.
11
00:00:28,871 --> 00:00:30,640
- Sit back and enjoy the show.
- Oh, no.
12
00:00:30,740 --> 00:00:32,375
- Bruce, settle down now,
dearest.
13
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- It can't be.
- The cartoon short
14
00:00:33,976 --> 00:00:35,044
is starting, Bruce.
15
00:00:35,111 --> 00:00:36,612
Who knows what evil dwells
16
00:00:36,712 --> 00:00:39,082
in the heart
of the dark of the city?
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00:00:39,148 --> 00:00:41,084
One lone defender
of the night.
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00:00:41,150 --> 00:00:44,620
Look! In the shadows.
On the rooftops.
19
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:46,289
It's a specter. It's a shade.
20
00:00:46,389 --> 00:00:48,925
It's Bat-Mite!
[crash]
21
00:00:48,991 --> 00:00:50,493
- Yuh-oh!
[laughter]
22
00:00:50,593 --> 00:00:52,795
- Argus Studios
Consolidated Cartoons presents
23
00:00:52,895 --> 00:00:54,263
Bat-Mite in...
24
00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:56,332
"The Thomas
and Martha Wayne Murders."
25
00:00:56,432 --> 00:00:58,401
[slide whistle cascades]
[splat]
26
00:00:58,468 --> 00:01:00,002
- What is this?
What's happening?
27
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- I saw the Mite Lite,
Commissioner Gorgon.
28
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What can I do to crush
29
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the city's malefactors
tonight?
30
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- Ah, Bat-Mite, finally.
31
00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:09,679
I need you to escort
the Wayne family
32
00:01:09,779 --> 00:01:12,582
from the Monarch Theater
through Crime Alley.
33
00:01:12,648 --> 00:01:14,183
And when I get back,
34
00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:17,286
I better not find them
in a puddle of blood!
35
00:01:17,353 --> 00:01:18,788
Is that clear?
[laughter]
36
00:01:18,855 --> 00:01:20,356
- You can count on me,
Commissioner.
37
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- No.
- What's wrong, Bruce?
38
00:01:21,824 --> 00:01:23,192
Something the matter, son?
39
00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:25,695
- Yeah, something the matter,
Brucie?
40
00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:27,029
- What?
- Yoo-hoo.
41
00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:28,764
Up here on the screen, mac.
42
00:01:28,831 --> 00:01:31,334
What's the matter?
Don't you like the cartoon?
43
00:01:31,434 --> 00:01:34,003
- This isn't happening.
This didn't happen.
44
00:01:34,103 --> 00:01:36,472
- Yeah, past and present
have gone all screwy
45
00:01:36,539 --> 00:01:38,875
here in Bruce's bean,
haven't they?
46
00:01:38,975 --> 00:01:42,044
It's the Scarecrow's
fear toxin, of course.
47
00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:43,479
But don't worry.
48
00:01:43,546 --> 00:01:45,481
Just like I told the Commish,
49
00:01:45,548 --> 00:01:47,383
I got everything under--
50
00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:49,519
- All right, youse mugs,
this is a stickup.
51
00:01:49,619 --> 00:01:51,220
- [gun cocks]
- Yuh-oh!
52
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:52,788
- I'll take that necklace
you're wearing, lady.
53
00:01:52,855 --> 00:01:54,223
- Save us, Bat-Mite!
54
00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:56,626
- Never fear,
Bat-Mite is here!
55
00:01:56,692 --> 00:01:58,227
I am vengeance.
[boom]
56
00:01:58,327 --> 00:01:59,996
I am judgment.
[boom]
57
00:02:00,062 --> 00:02:01,831
I am righteous justice.
58
00:02:01,898 --> 00:02:03,566
I am originally from upstate,
59
00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:06,536
but small-town life
doesn't really suit my style.
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00:02:06,636 --> 00:02:09,071
So a few years back,
I sold everything I owned
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00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:10,907
and I bought a van,
and I said,
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00:02:11,007 --> 00:02:13,075
"If you don't do this now,
you're gonna wake up one day
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00:02:13,176 --> 00:02:14,844
full of regrets, Bat-Mite."
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00:02:14,911 --> 00:02:16,913
And--
[gunshots]
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00:02:17,013 --> 00:02:19,015
Yuh-oh!
[laughter]
66
00:02:19,081 --> 00:02:20,383
See you around, pally.
67
00:02:20,483 --> 00:02:22,985
- Bat-Mite!
- Yuh-oh!
68
00:02:23,052 --> 00:02:25,521
- Whose puddle of blood
is this?
69
00:02:25,588 --> 00:02:28,891
And don't you dare say
the Waynes'!
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00:02:28,991 --> 00:02:30,893
[jolly music]
[laughter]
71
00:02:30,993 --> 00:02:33,729
- Psst. Hey, Brucie.
It looks like you were right.
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00:02:33,829 --> 00:02:38,100
It looks like your parents
are daisy food, again.
73
00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:41,103
- [laughter]
- This isn't happening. Focus.
74
00:02:41,204 --> 00:02:43,272
This is just convulsions
in your subconscious.
75
00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:45,775
- Oh, boo-hoo.
So sue me.
76
00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:48,678
I'm just the vengeance
of the night over here.
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00:02:48,744 --> 00:02:50,846
If you're so sure
you could do a better job...
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00:02:50,913 --> 00:02:52,949
- Well, Thomas,
that cartoon was dreadful.
79
00:02:53,049 --> 00:02:54,784
- I've seen enough.
- I agree, Martha.
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00:02:54,884 --> 00:02:57,220
Gather Bruce
and let's leave discreetly.
81
00:02:57,286 --> 00:02:58,955
We'll use the exit
onto the alley.
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00:02:59,055 --> 00:03:02,525
- You're about to get
your chance to prove it!
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00:03:02,592 --> 00:03:06,262
narrator: Gotham, an oil slick
on the road to salvation.
84
00:03:06,362 --> 00:03:09,298
Join us now for another tale
of life and death
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00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:10,766
in Gotham City.
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00:03:10,866 --> 00:03:12,034
March 8th.
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Bruce Wayne is lost
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00:03:13,369 --> 00:03:14,737
in the mists of his mind
89
00:03:14,804 --> 00:03:16,772
and at the mercy
of the Scarecrow.
90
00:03:16,872 --> 00:03:18,307
Meanwhile, the Penguin mounts
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00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:20,443
an aggressive effort
at damage control,
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00:03:20,543 --> 00:03:24,447
his fearsome reputation eroded
by imprudent ambition.
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00:03:24,547 --> 00:03:26,048
Without Harvey Dent,
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00:03:26,115 --> 00:03:28,451
he stands to lose his grip
on the underworld.
95
00:03:28,551 --> 00:03:30,453
And without the Joker's head
on a pike,
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00:03:30,553 --> 00:03:32,455
he will lose
his precariously-situated
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00:03:32,555 --> 00:03:34,991
influence
over the police department.
98
00:03:35,091 --> 00:03:38,160
Oswald Cobblepot has
badly miscalculated.
99
00:03:38,261 --> 00:03:40,596
And his only hope
is that Catwoman
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00:03:40,663 --> 00:03:42,164
can adjust the final tally.
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00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:44,000
[cat meows]
[footsteps splashing]
102
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Arkham Asylum
for the Criminally Insane.
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00:03:46,969 --> 00:03:48,571
Superintendent of Operations
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Dr. Jeremiah Arkham
has a problem.
105
00:03:51,107 --> 00:03:53,175
- Nurse!
Has anyone seen the new nurse?
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00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:55,011
narrator: He came
into work today to find
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00:03:55,111 --> 00:03:57,680
someone had changed
the entry code to his office.
108
00:03:57,780 --> 00:03:59,982
This is irritating
but not unusual.
109
00:04:00,082 --> 00:04:02,285
The security keypads
are known for their glitches.
110
00:04:02,351 --> 00:04:04,854
[electricity sizzles]
The unusual part is,
111
00:04:04,954 --> 00:04:06,355
when he entered his code
incorrectly...
112
00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:08,024
- [keypad beeps]
- Huh?
113
00:04:08,124 --> 00:04:09,859
narrator: The basement
of the asylum flooded.
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00:04:09,959 --> 00:04:12,695
And every time he enters
his code incorrectly...
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00:04:12,795 --> 00:04:14,363
- [keypad beeps]
- Son of a--
116
00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:16,532
narrator: The water rises
another 12 inches.
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00:04:16,632 --> 00:04:17,867
That does it.
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00:04:17,967 --> 00:04:19,268
narrator:
Dr. Arkham knows well
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that a problem of this nature
120
00:04:20,803 --> 00:04:23,439
has one, and only one,
possible source.
121
00:04:23,506 --> 00:04:24,707
- [lock clicks]
- Riddler.
122
00:04:24,807 --> 00:04:25,875
Question:
123
00:04:25,975 --> 00:04:28,210
where did Noah find a leakum?
124
00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:31,514
Answer:
in the bottom of his Arkham.
125
00:04:31,614 --> 00:04:34,317
[laughs]
126
00:04:34,383 --> 00:04:36,719
Not funny. Not funny.
127
00:04:36,819 --> 00:04:38,387
- I'll tell you
what's not funny.
128
00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:40,323
I booked a room
in a sanatorium.
129
00:04:40,389 --> 00:04:43,326
This dump is clearly
a sanitarium.
130
00:04:43,392 --> 00:04:45,127
Did you think
I wouldn't notice?
131
00:04:45,194 --> 00:04:46,696
[laughs]
132
00:04:46,796 --> 00:04:49,965
Ugh, they're synonyms
with different Latin roots.
133
00:04:50,032 --> 00:04:51,334
Why did I think you'd get that?
134
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,069
You're a plebeian
from a diploma mill.
135
00:04:53,169 --> 00:04:56,305
- How is it that every time
I take away your privileges,
136
00:04:56,372 --> 00:04:57,873
life gets harder for me?
137
00:04:57,973 --> 00:04:59,975
- Well, in military terms,
that's called
138
00:05:00,042 --> 00:05:03,479
getting your ass kicked
on the battlefield, Jeremiah.
139
00:05:03,546 --> 00:05:06,349
Is it really that hard
to understand?
140
00:05:06,415 --> 00:05:07,750
I'm kidding. I know that it is.
141
00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:10,052
- What's it gonna take, huh?
Tell me.
142
00:05:10,152 --> 00:05:12,088
- Well, you'd have to go
back to school
143
00:05:12,188 --> 00:05:14,056
and attend a real college
this time.
144
00:05:14,156 --> 00:05:17,093
And then, um--
oh, you mean about me?
145
00:05:17,193 --> 00:05:18,527
- You know,
I thought I'd taken everything
146
00:05:18,594 --> 00:05:19,895
that I could from you.
147
00:05:19,995 --> 00:05:21,931
Well, you certainly tried.
148
00:05:22,031 --> 00:05:24,367
narrator: Indeed,
alone in a bare cell,
149
00:05:24,433 --> 00:05:27,269
Riddler is bound tightly
in full restraints--
150
00:05:27,370 --> 00:05:28,704
double-straitjacketed,
151
00:05:28,771 --> 00:05:31,006
cuffed to a gurney,
legs in irons,
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00:05:31,073 --> 00:05:33,109
unable to even scratch
his nose.
153
00:05:33,209 --> 00:05:35,277
[chains clink]
It's a nigh-unbearable
154
00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:37,279
suppression
of basic personal freedoms
155
00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:40,783
that is known in the Asylum
as "full Joker protocol."
156
00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:43,753
- And still you escalate
the juvenile mischief.
157
00:05:43,853 --> 00:05:45,421
Now I realize
I've taken everything
158
00:05:45,521 --> 00:05:47,022
except the only thing
you care about.
159
00:05:47,089 --> 00:05:48,791
- The true meaning
of Christmas?
160
00:05:48,891 --> 00:05:50,760
Your precious intellect.
161
00:05:50,860 --> 00:05:52,027
Wait, what are you saying?
162
00:05:52,094 --> 00:05:53,763
- I'm saying
300 CCs twice daily
163
00:05:53,863 --> 00:05:56,132
of a Haloperidol-Diazepam
cocktail
164
00:05:56,232 --> 00:05:57,633
will have you struggling
to finish
165
00:05:57,733 --> 00:05:59,402
the junior crossword puzzle
166
00:05:59,468 --> 00:06:02,304
and me clocking out
at a decent hour for once.
167
00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:04,106
- You wouldn't dare.
You're a doctor.
168
00:06:04,206 --> 00:06:06,575
- Yes, but you know
what I finally realized?
169
00:06:06,642 --> 00:06:10,112
My job is just to turn you
into a respectable citizen.
170
00:06:10,212 --> 00:06:13,315
Nobody's paying me
to deliver you undamaged.
171
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:14,750
narrator:
Riddler is momentarily
172
00:06:14,817 --> 00:06:16,252
without a ready response.
173
00:06:16,318 --> 00:06:17,787
Where is that nurse?
174
00:06:17,887 --> 00:06:19,588
- [door clicks open]
- I'm sorry, Doctor.
175
00:06:19,655 --> 00:06:21,757
Finally. Give me the syringe.
176
00:06:21,824 --> 00:06:23,826
I'm sorry it's come to this,
Edward.
177
00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:25,294
Well, no, I'm not.
178
00:06:25,394 --> 00:06:26,929
I'll admit it.
This is personal.
179
00:06:26,996 --> 00:06:28,664
And ever since I made
this decision,
180
00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:32,768
I've felt an indescribable
lightness and serenity.
181
00:06:32,835 --> 00:06:34,303
Nurse, I said
give me the sedative.
182
00:06:34,403 --> 00:06:36,305
- If you say so, Doctor.
- What are you--[groans]
183
00:06:36,405 --> 00:06:38,140
narrator:
Dr. Arkham manages to cling
184
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:40,810
to just enough consciousness
to realize...
185
00:06:40,910 --> 00:06:44,513
You're...not...a...nurse.
186
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,582
narrator: Before crumpling
to the floor in a heap.
187
00:06:46,649 --> 00:06:47,950
- [groans]
- I'll be honest,
188
00:06:48,017 --> 00:06:49,752
I have no idea
what I just shot him with
189
00:06:49,819 --> 00:06:51,120
or how long he'll be out.
190
00:06:51,187 --> 00:06:52,688
So let's make this quick, okay?
191
00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:54,023
I have a favor to ask.
192
00:06:54,123 --> 00:06:55,691
Well, well, well.
193
00:06:55,791 --> 00:06:59,795
What has ears like a cat
and claws like a cat
194
00:06:59,862 --> 00:07:02,631
and rude 'tude like a cat
but isn't a cat?
195
00:07:02,698 --> 00:07:05,768
- Oh, shut up, Eddie.
- [laughs]
196
00:07:05,835 --> 00:07:07,436
Well, this is unexpected.
197
00:07:07,503 --> 00:07:09,371
Do I have something
worth stealing?
198
00:07:09,472 --> 00:07:10,673
The toilet is an antique,
199
00:07:10,773 --> 00:07:12,208
but I don't think
it's valuable.
200
00:07:12,308 --> 00:07:14,376
I told you I need a favor.
201
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:15,845
And I don't have a lot of time.
202
00:07:15,945 --> 00:07:18,013
I came down here
on a simple little errand
203
00:07:18,113 --> 00:07:19,715
to reallocate some resources.
204
00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:22,384
- To steal something?
- Don't even call it theft.
205
00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:24,453
It offends
my professional integrity.
206
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,723
I just need access
to Dr. Arkham's personal files,
207
00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:30,659
which should be like taking
candy from a baby.
208
00:07:30,726 --> 00:07:33,128
Instead, I get here to find--
209
00:07:33,195 --> 00:07:35,297
what did you do
to his security system anyway?
210
00:07:35,364 --> 00:07:37,733
- Oh, it's a tangled mess
for certain.
211
00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:39,401
But like most hopeless puzzles,
212
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:42,471
it has
an oh-so-elegant solution
213
00:07:42,538 --> 00:07:45,508
if one carefully considers
the clues.
214
00:07:45,574 --> 00:07:47,843
[clears throat]
Riddle me this!
215
00:07:47,910 --> 00:07:50,546
I have no form,
no face or features--
216
00:07:50,646 --> 00:07:52,414
- Nope!
Not doing the riddle thing.
217
00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:55,184
- Oh, come on!
- I'll figure it out myself.
218
00:07:55,251 --> 00:07:56,385
Thanks anyway.
219
00:07:56,485 --> 00:07:57,987
- How is the lady
in the cat ears
220
00:07:58,053 --> 00:08:00,155
not the fun one at the party?
221
00:08:00,222 --> 00:08:01,557
- Are you going to tell me
how to disarm
222
00:08:01,657 --> 00:08:03,325
your ridiculous booby trap
or not?
223
00:08:03,392 --> 00:08:05,361
- And what could you
possibly have to offer me
224
00:08:05,427 --> 00:08:06,562
as an incentive?
225
00:08:06,662 --> 00:08:08,264
Well, riddle me this.
226
00:08:08,364 --> 00:08:11,567
Which side of a cat
has the most fur?
227
00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:12,835
What?
228
00:08:12,902 --> 00:08:14,770
[keypad beeps, chimes]
229
00:08:14,870 --> 00:08:17,773
- [cell door creaks open]
- The outside.
230
00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:20,709
You look pretty uncomfortable
in those restraints, Eddie.
231
00:08:20,776 --> 00:08:22,211
I have a car waiting.
232
00:08:22,278 --> 00:08:24,613
It'll take you
anywhere you want to go.
233
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:27,182
You must be getting tired
of the Padded Cell Motel.
234
00:08:27,249 --> 00:08:30,052
- Pfft, I escape this dump
all the time.
235
00:08:30,119 --> 00:08:32,121
What makes you think
I need your help?
236
00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:34,189
- I don't know, Eddie.
It sounds like if you stay
237
00:08:34,256 --> 00:08:35,891
under Arkham's care,
you're gonna need help
238
00:08:35,958 --> 00:08:37,293
with a whole lot,
239
00:08:37,393 --> 00:08:39,695
starting with basic
drool maintenance.
240
00:08:39,762 --> 00:08:43,465
- And what's in Arkham's office
that's so important, anyway?
241
00:08:43,566 --> 00:08:44,733
Evidence bag.
242
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,303
Listed contents:
one switchblade,
243
00:08:47,403 --> 00:08:50,272
one deck of playing cards,
red suits only,
244
00:08:50,372 --> 00:08:52,474
one high-voltage joy buzzer,
245
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:55,744
$69 in counterfeit $3 bills.
246
00:08:55,811 --> 00:08:58,480
Ugh, $69. What a hack.
247
00:08:58,581 --> 00:09:00,950
What's your interest
in that professional
248
00:09:01,050 --> 00:09:02,718
lowest common denominator?
249
00:09:02,785 --> 00:09:03,986
Just the price on his head.
250
00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,754
- Well, now you have
my interest.
251
00:09:05,821 --> 00:09:07,323
Arkham's file boxes contain
252
00:09:07,423 --> 00:09:08,757
everything the Joker had on him
253
00:09:08,824 --> 00:09:10,259
when the Batman
first brought him in.
254
00:09:10,326 --> 00:09:11,994
- Bunch of trash.
What could you possibly want
255
00:09:12,094 --> 00:09:13,796
- to do with that?
- Nothing.
256
00:09:13,896 --> 00:09:17,433
I'm interested in the one item
Dr. Arkham conveniently forgot
257
00:09:17,499 --> 00:09:20,936
to catalogue--
a personal journal.
258
00:09:21,003 --> 00:09:24,073
- Get out.
- Filled to the margins
259
00:09:24,139 --> 00:09:26,175
with deeply personal secrets.
260
00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:27,643
- Good God, you don't mean--
261
00:09:27,743 --> 00:09:28,944
- If I'm going
to hunt him down,
262
00:09:29,011 --> 00:09:30,646
I need to get into his head.
263
00:09:30,746 --> 00:09:33,949
To get into his head, I need
the Joker's secret diary.
264
00:09:34,016 --> 00:09:36,018
narrator: The deepest,
darkest secret thoughts
265
00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:37,786
of the Joker laid bare?
266
00:09:37,853 --> 00:09:40,689
Surely Pandora had
less to fear from her box.
267
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:44,126
Stay tuned as we lift the lid
on a future tale
268
00:09:44,193 --> 00:09:46,695
of life and death
in Gotham City.
269
00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:48,864
[TV set clicks]
[tap shoes tapping]
270
00:09:48,964 --> 00:09:51,100
[clicks]
[bongos playing, birds sing]
271
00:09:51,166 --> 00:09:52,768
- Happy Mardi Gras,
Gotham City.
272
00:09:52,835 --> 00:09:54,603
Yes, it's Fat Tuesday
and that means--[clicks]
273
00:09:54,670 --> 00:09:56,338
- The Gotham Gaslamps
return to town
274
00:09:56,438 --> 00:09:58,540
for this crucial series
with Central City.
275
00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:01,543
- Central City hurler
Lucky Bucky Sawfield
276
00:10:01,644 --> 00:10:03,846
very restrained
on the mound today.
277
00:10:03,946 --> 00:10:06,348
- Lou, I almost want to say
he looks spooked.
278
00:10:06,448 --> 00:10:08,217
- Something has gotten
into him for sure.
279
00:10:08,317 --> 00:10:09,785
We'll probably never know
what.
280
00:10:09,852 --> 00:10:11,720
Anyway, today's game
brought to you
281
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:16,492
by Oswald Cobblepot's fabulous
Iceberg Lounge and Casino.
282
00:10:16,558 --> 00:10:17,793
- If you know
what's good for you,
283
00:10:17,860 --> 00:10:19,294
you'll play the Cobblepot way.
284
00:10:19,361 --> 00:10:20,663
The Iceberg Lounge.
285
00:10:20,729 --> 00:10:22,231
Oswald Cobblepot
doesn't ask twice.
286
00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:24,800
[clicks]
[Theremin music]
287
00:10:24,867 --> 00:10:26,368
- [clicks]
- It would be
288
00:10:26,468 --> 00:10:28,170
Basil Karlo's last film
289
00:10:28,237 --> 00:10:31,507
and gain a notorious place
in the annals of film history
290
00:10:31,573 --> 00:10:33,809
and the study
of criminal insanity.
291
00:10:33,876 --> 00:10:36,512
The film was titled,
"The Second Skin."
292
00:10:36,578 --> 00:10:39,081
- [clicks]
- Yuh-oh, Brucie!
293
00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:42,051
- You again.
- [giggles] Who else?
294
00:10:42,151 --> 00:10:44,687
- You are just a construct
of my mind.
295
00:10:44,753 --> 00:10:47,423
A fantasy made
of psychedelic chemicals
296
00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,591
and surplus brain architecture.
297
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:51,760
- Oh, are we getting
personal now?
298
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:55,764
- You are the contents
of my mental wastebasket.
299
00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:58,167
Doubt, regret, pain.
300
00:10:58,233 --> 00:11:00,736
You are nothing
but broken pieces
301
00:11:00,836 --> 00:11:03,105
- of defeated enemies.
- Nothing?
302
00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:05,741
Hey, come on!
Can nothing do this?
303
00:11:05,841 --> 00:11:07,543
[psychedelic tones]
304
00:11:07,609 --> 00:11:09,778
- Come along, Bruce.
We're leaving the theater.
305
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:11,780
- We'll cut through the alley.
- No, no.
306
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,918
- [chuckling] Oh, yes.
Movie night is over.
307
00:11:16,018 --> 00:11:19,888
And that means
it's almost showtime.
308
00:11:19,955 --> 00:11:21,390
Father, no! Don't do it!
309
00:11:21,457 --> 00:11:23,292
- Yes, Thomas, let's go
through the alley.
310
00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:24,727
Alfred's waiting with the car.
311
00:11:24,793 --> 00:11:27,396
- ♪ Let's all go
to the alley ♪
312
00:11:27,463 --> 00:11:30,466
♪ Let's all go to the alley ♪
313
00:11:30,566 --> 00:11:34,603
♪ Let's all go
to the alley ♪
314
00:11:34,703 --> 00:11:36,772
♪ To face a grisly fate ♪
315
00:11:36,872 --> 00:11:38,540
- Not the alley, Mother.
Not again.
316
00:11:38,607 --> 00:11:40,476
Yes, Bruce, again.
317
00:11:40,576 --> 00:11:42,978
But this time,
you can save them,
318
00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:47,916
unless the fear
consumes you...again.
319
00:11:47,983 --> 00:11:50,819
♪ The wolf is at the gate ♪
320
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:53,922
♪ He's hunting,
you're the bait ♪
321
00:11:53,989 --> 00:11:56,759
♪ Let's all go
to Crime Alley ♪
322
00:11:56,825 --> 00:11:58,794
♪ To face a grisly fate ♪
323
00:11:58,894 --> 00:12:00,662
[door clunks open]
[cat meows]
324
00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:02,498
[echoing footsteps]
325
00:12:02,598 --> 00:12:05,334
- So this is it.
Crime Alley.
326
00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,569
Gee, I wonder
why they call it--
327
00:12:07,636 --> 00:12:09,338
- All right, nobody move.
This is a stickup.
328
00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,573
- Okay, thank you.
I got no further questions.
329
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,509
- I'll take that necklace
you're wearing, lady.
330
00:12:13,609 --> 00:12:15,811
- Leave her alone, you!
- Quick, Bruce!
331
00:12:15,911 --> 00:12:17,446
This is the chance
you've been waiting for!
332
00:12:17,513 --> 00:12:19,948
Use your Bat-Mite
junior crime-fighting kit!
333
00:12:20,015 --> 00:12:22,351
- Yes, I have to--what is this?
334
00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:23,685
[chew toy squeaks]
[silverware clanks]
335
00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:25,187
[duck quacks]
[spring recoils]
336
00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:27,289
- What's the matter?
When it really counts,
337
00:12:27,356 --> 00:12:29,625
all your precious toys
are just useless junk?
338
00:12:29,691 --> 00:12:30,926
[gunshots, thudding]
339
00:12:30,993 --> 00:12:32,828
- [cackles]
- [sighs] Oh.
340
00:12:32,928 --> 00:12:35,330
- [groans]
- Oh, boy. Run!
341
00:12:35,430 --> 00:12:36,865
You gotta hide.
342
00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,934
That mugger is looking
to finish the job.
343
00:12:39,001 --> 00:12:41,537
- Don't you feel the fear?
- Yes.
344
00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:43,438
I have--I have to run.
345
00:12:43,505 --> 00:12:45,107
- I have to--
- [chuckles]
346
00:12:45,174 --> 00:12:47,476
- Oh, you gotta do better
than that.
347
00:12:47,543 --> 00:12:49,211
You have to hide!
348
00:12:49,311 --> 00:12:51,280
He'll be after you
349
00:12:51,346 --> 00:12:55,484
your...entire...life.
350
00:12:55,551 --> 00:12:56,785
Unless you do something.
351
00:12:56,852 --> 00:12:58,620
[door creaks open, shut]
352
00:12:58,687 --> 00:13:01,323
Psst, maybe in here.
[bats squeaking]
353
00:13:01,390 --> 00:13:02,658
- [whispering]
What is this place?
354
00:13:02,724 --> 00:13:04,326
It's a cave, I think.
355
00:13:04,393 --> 00:13:06,061
Perfect place to hide.
356
00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:07,996
Yes, I can hide in the cave.
357
00:13:08,063 --> 00:13:10,666
- Come on, little boy.
Where you hidin'?
358
00:13:10,732 --> 00:13:13,402
- But if he finds you,
what then?
359
00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:16,004
That guy is
a Wayne-killing machine,
360
00:13:16,071 --> 00:13:17,406
boy howdy.
361
00:13:17,506 --> 00:13:21,343
To really feel safe,
you'll need a disguise.
362
00:13:21,410 --> 00:13:23,078
Here, take this.
[fabric flutters]
363
00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:24,379
A cape?
364
00:13:24,479 --> 00:13:26,048
- This is a cape.
- Exactly.
365
00:13:26,148 --> 00:13:29,818
Nice fit, but I still see
Bruce under there.
366
00:13:29,885 --> 00:13:32,654
You better take this mask too.
367
00:13:32,721 --> 00:13:34,089
There we go. Perfect.
368
00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:36,358
Nobody would ever guess
you're a Wayne.
369
00:13:36,425 --> 00:13:37,926
You got the cape.
You got the mask.
370
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:41,530
Congratulations.
You look ridiculous.
371
00:13:41,597 --> 00:13:42,764
Ridiculous?
372
00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:45,400
- Completely absurd.
Look at you!
373
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:47,502
[growls]
"I shall become a bat."
374
00:13:47,569 --> 00:13:50,072
[cackles] What a schnook.
375
00:13:50,172 --> 00:13:52,341
You're the heir
to the Wayne legacy.
376
00:13:52,407 --> 00:13:53,942
What would your father think?
377
00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:58,213
- My father would be
proud of me,
378
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,515
of my mission for Gotham City.
379
00:14:00,582 --> 00:14:02,784
- My father was a fighter.
- [laughs]
380
00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:05,454
Your father was
a doctor, Brucie.
381
00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:08,123
He lived by "do no harm."
382
00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:12,361
Not exactly your MO, huh,
Mr. Vengeance of the Night?
383
00:14:12,427 --> 00:14:15,430
You've crippled way more people
than he ever saved.
384
00:14:15,530 --> 00:14:16,965
- No. I--
- And what would
385
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:18,901
your dear old mama think
of this dark thing
386
00:14:18,967 --> 00:14:20,602
you made yourself into?
387
00:14:20,702 --> 00:14:23,472
She'd blame herself, of course.
388
00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:25,474
What a dope she was.
389
00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:28,243
She thought
she taught you kindness.
390
00:14:28,310 --> 00:14:30,078
- No.
- [whistles]
391
00:14:30,145 --> 00:14:33,315
Boy, I thought you were afraid
of the mugger.
392
00:14:33,415 --> 00:14:36,118
But we found
what you were really afraid of,
393
00:14:36,218 --> 00:14:38,887
didn't we, Brucie?
394
00:14:38,954 --> 00:14:42,824
You're afraid
you've disappointed them.
395
00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:45,794
You're afraid
you've dishonored them.
396
00:14:47,262 --> 00:14:49,932
And you're right, Brucie.
397
00:14:49,998 --> 00:14:52,968
It's kind of funny
when you think about it.
398
00:14:53,068 --> 00:14:54,670
Ever since that night
in the alley,
399
00:14:54,770 --> 00:14:58,840
you've been trying to do right
by old Mom and Dad.
400
00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:01,410
To be the justice
they never got.
401
00:15:02,844 --> 00:15:07,449
But get this.
Your entire life's work?
402
00:15:07,516 --> 00:15:10,619
All it's done...
403
00:15:10,686 --> 00:15:15,991
is turn you into something
your parents could never love.
404
00:15:16,091 --> 00:15:17,826
No. No.
405
00:15:17,926 --> 00:15:20,362
- [laughing maniacally]
- No. No.
406
00:15:20,462 --> 00:15:23,966
[operatic singing]
407
00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:26,435
narrator: Gotham,
408
00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:29,304
where foul play
always scores the run.
409
00:15:29,371 --> 00:15:31,039
Join us now for another tale
410
00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:33,976
of life and death
in Gotham City.
411
00:15:34,042 --> 00:15:35,644
- [bat cracks]
- Folks, tell 'em "heads up"
412
00:15:35,711 --> 00:15:37,012
over in Gotham Heights,
413
00:15:37,112 --> 00:15:39,181
'cause that one is
out of here.
414
00:15:39,281 --> 00:15:40,549
narrator:
Sold out Gotham Stadium
415
00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:42,551
on a bitter cold
March evening.
416
00:15:42,651 --> 00:15:45,220
Perfect Gotham City
baseball weather.
417
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,523
Tonight, a homecoming for
two-time winter league champs
418
00:15:48,623 --> 00:15:50,892
the Gotham Gaslamps
as they face
419
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:54,663
the down and dirty
Demons of Central City.
420
00:15:54,730 --> 00:15:56,898
Star slugger
Swat Fleischacker has hit
421
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:59,668
- his first homer of the night.
- Unbelievable!
422
00:15:59,735 --> 00:16:02,170
- And one more homer
will break the league record!
423
00:16:02,237 --> 00:16:03,572
narrator: The crowd goes wild.
424
00:16:03,672 --> 00:16:05,407
And the Penguin crows
knowingly
425
00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:07,309
to the various nefarious
gathered
426
00:16:07,376 --> 00:16:09,144
in his luxurious box seats.
427
00:16:09,211 --> 00:16:11,680
- See?
What did I tell you, Frenchy?
428
00:16:11,747 --> 00:16:14,349
Swat Fleischacker is
hot tonight.
429
00:16:14,416 --> 00:16:15,851
- Yeah, funny,
'cause it sure looks like
430
00:16:15,917 --> 00:16:17,552
it's the pitcher
who's sweatin'.
431
00:16:17,652 --> 00:16:19,588
- Sawfield pausing again
to mop sweat from his brow.
432
00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:22,190
- Very sweaty for
a cold night, isn't he, Lou?
433
00:16:22,257 --> 00:16:24,526
- Who,
old Lucky Bucky Sawfield?
434
00:16:24,593 --> 00:16:26,094
[mimics honk sound]
Indeed.
435
00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:28,430
Must have a lot on his mind.
436
00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:30,866
Wonder what it could concern.
437
00:16:30,932 --> 00:16:33,001
I told you the fix was in.
438
00:16:33,068 --> 00:16:35,437
- Hot dogs!
- Over here, boy!
439
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:38,273
Who needs sustenance?
I'm positively depleted.
440
00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:40,876
Maxie, would you want
a wienie, old boy?
441
00:16:40,942 --> 00:16:44,579
- That's one homer, Oswald.
You promised us two.
442
00:16:44,679 --> 00:16:47,249
- I got long green at stake
on nothing but your say-so.
443
00:16:47,349 --> 00:16:48,717
Oh, patience.
444
00:16:48,784 --> 00:16:50,585
Tonight's your lucky night,
boys.
445
00:16:50,685 --> 00:16:54,222
- The dice of Zeus
always fall luckily.
446
00:16:54,289 --> 00:16:56,591
But still,
betting on double taters is
447
00:16:56,691 --> 00:16:58,727
- very risky, Oswald.
- Oh, stop fidgeting, Maxie,
448
00:16:58,794 --> 00:17:01,129
and eat your hot dog
like a good little god.
449
00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:04,232
Trust me,
there's plenty of game left.
450
00:17:04,299 --> 00:17:06,068
The fix is in.
451
00:17:06,134 --> 00:17:08,036
narrator: But despite
his ample assurances,
452
00:17:08,103 --> 00:17:09,805
it's now the bottom
of the ninth
453
00:17:09,905 --> 00:17:12,374
and Swat has yet to hit
that second dinger.
454
00:17:12,441 --> 00:17:13,975
- [ball smacks in glove]
- You're out!
455
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,278
- Strike three,
and Hobart is out of there.
456
00:17:16,378 --> 00:17:17,979
Lucky Bucky is on fire,
457
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,582
and I think the crowd has
soured a little, Stiv.
458
00:17:20,649 --> 00:17:22,451
- That they have.
And ruh-roh!
459
00:17:22,551 --> 00:17:25,487
Here comes the Central City
mascot Speedy the Demon Dog
460
00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,888
to rub it in.
461
00:17:26,955 --> 00:17:29,157
[mascot barking]
462
00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:31,493
- Speedy the Demon Dog
feeling pretty chesty
463
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:33,829
in the absence of Lampy,
the Gaslamps' mascot.
464
00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:36,098
- Lampy would never
have tolerated
465
00:17:36,164 --> 00:17:38,500
this kind of disrespect
from a visiting mascot.
466
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,268
May he rest in power.
467
00:17:40,335 --> 00:17:42,270
narrator: Yes, the Demons
have taken the swagger
468
00:17:42,337 --> 00:17:43,839
out of the hometown team.
469
00:17:43,939 --> 00:17:46,408
And the confines
of the Penguin's private box
470
00:17:46,475 --> 00:17:49,144
is no sanctuary from
the pessimism of the crowd.
471
00:17:49,244 --> 00:17:51,847
- Last chance
for that homer approaches,
472
00:17:51,947 --> 00:17:53,181
citizen Cobblepot.
473
00:17:53,281 --> 00:17:56,785
Drama, gentlemen, drama!
474
00:17:56,852 --> 00:17:59,855
We have to make it look good,
don't we?
475
00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:03,125
And what a great finish
this will be for the fans.
476
00:18:03,191 --> 00:18:05,360
One for the ages. You'll see.
477
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:06,828
We better see, Oswald.
478
00:18:06,928 --> 00:18:09,264
It would go a long way
to restoring my faith
479
00:18:09,331 --> 00:18:12,501
in your, let's call it,
prominence.
480
00:18:12,601 --> 00:18:14,136
What's that supposed to mean?
481
00:18:14,202 --> 00:18:16,838
- Peanuts!
Get your bag of peanuts!
482
00:18:16,938 --> 00:18:19,774
- It means
you are stretched thin,
483
00:18:19,841 --> 00:18:21,776
and everyone knows it.
484
00:18:21,843 --> 00:18:23,044
Is that a fact?
485
00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:24,646
- Too much on your plate,
they say.
486
00:18:24,713 --> 00:18:27,048
Taking over the police,
the merger with Dent--
487
00:18:27,149 --> 00:18:28,683
where is Dent anyway, Oswald?
488
00:18:28,783 --> 00:18:29,885
Cracker Jack!
489
00:18:29,985 --> 00:18:31,620
I got your crunchy
Cracker Jacks
490
00:18:31,686 --> 00:18:32,988
with the toy inside!
491
00:18:33,054 --> 00:18:36,057
- My, my.
Seems Speedy the Demon Dog
492
00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:39,394
isn't the only one
feeling chesty tonight,
493
00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:41,196
eh, Frenchy, old smoke?
494
00:18:41,296 --> 00:18:43,231
- I think your tailfeathers
are draggin', Ozzie.
495
00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:46,301
And you're lucky the Bat
is busy with the Scarecrow.
496
00:18:46,368 --> 00:18:47,969
You gonna try to tell me
I'm wrong?
497
00:18:48,036 --> 00:18:51,706
- I'm going to try to forget
you said that, Frenchy.
498
00:18:51,806 --> 00:18:55,410
I pick the winners
and losers in this town.
499
00:18:55,510 --> 00:18:57,712
The fools that forget that?
500
00:18:57,812 --> 00:19:00,515
Those aren't the winners,
old bean.
501
00:19:00,582 --> 00:19:02,751
- And next up on deck
for the Gaslamps,
502
00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:05,253
Swat Fleischacker!
503
00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:08,190
- Fireworks!
Get your free fireworks!
504
00:19:08,256 --> 00:19:10,158
- Did she say free fireworks?
- That's right!
505
00:19:10,225 --> 00:19:13,995
Happy Mardi Gras, everybody!
Free fireworks for everyone!
506
00:19:14,062 --> 00:19:17,065
Get your firecrackers.
Get your Roman candles.
507
00:19:17,165 --> 00:19:18,600
What the devil is this?
508
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,669
narrator: It's Harley Quinn
and her crew,
509
00:19:20,735 --> 00:19:23,038
decked out
in full Mardi Gras regalia
510
00:19:23,104 --> 00:19:24,706
and distributing pyrotechnics
511
00:19:24,773 --> 00:19:26,708
to the rowdy crowd
by the fistful.
512
00:19:26,775 --> 00:19:28,176
I say, Clown Woman,
513
00:19:28,243 --> 00:19:29,945
what the devil do you think
you're doing?
514
00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:31,780
Hey there, Tuxedo Bandido.
515
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,782
What's it look like
I'm doing, mac?
516
00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:36,785
It's Mardi Gras, and I'm here
to bring the bang!
517
00:19:36,885 --> 00:19:39,454
- You can't give the crowd
explosives.
518
00:19:39,554 --> 00:19:41,022
There's a game going on.
519
00:19:41,089 --> 00:19:43,291
- Oh, do not worry
about that, pally.
520
00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:45,627
I told everyone
wicked seriously
521
00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:48,730
to, no matter what wait,
till the game was totally over
522
00:19:48,797 --> 00:19:50,298
before settin' off any--
[firecrackers crackle]
523
00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:51,967
- Uh-oh.
- Wh-what?
524
00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:54,803
- Well, how do you like that?
Always one wise guy, right?
525
00:19:54,903 --> 00:19:57,305
- And Fleischacker steps in.
- Folks, this could be
526
00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:59,374
for the game
and the league record.
527
00:19:59,441 --> 00:20:01,610
- The famously distractible
Swat Fleischacker
528
00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:03,311
can't let the moment
get to him.
529
00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:06,081
- [fireworks whistle]
- Aww, come on, youse guys.
530
00:20:06,147 --> 00:20:08,483
- What did I say?
- W-w-what did you think
531
00:20:08,583 --> 00:20:09,985
was going to happen?
532
00:20:10,085 --> 00:20:11,720
narrator: As Penguin burbles
with agitation,
533
00:20:11,786 --> 00:20:13,955
Swat Fleischacker steps
out to the plate,
534
00:20:14,055 --> 00:20:15,657
swinging the famous
Sluggerella.
535
00:20:15,757 --> 00:20:17,559
[bat whiffs]
And Harley's eyes light up
536
00:20:17,626 --> 00:20:18,827
like a slot machine.
537
00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:20,595
- [choral music]
- That's that bat
538
00:20:20,662 --> 00:20:23,398
- with the magic feeling!
- Swat steps up to the plate.
539
00:20:23,465 --> 00:20:25,667
- Folks, so much is riding
on this moment.
540
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,136
narrator: This is
Harley's thought precisely.
541
00:20:28,236 --> 00:20:31,573
Mine. Now.
542
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,175
- Sawfield winds up...
and the pitch.
543
00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:36,244
What a meatball.
Slow and over the plate.
544
00:20:36,311 --> 00:20:38,947
Fleischacker digs in and--
[firework pops, whistles]
545
00:20:39,014 --> 00:20:40,915
- [ball smacks in glove]
- Strike one.
546
00:20:40,982 --> 00:20:44,286
- [mimics honking sound]
No! Focus, you idiot.
547
00:20:44,352 --> 00:20:46,288
narrator: But the louder
it gets in the stadium...
548
00:20:46,354 --> 00:20:47,589
[fireworks crackling]
The quieter it gets
549
00:20:47,656 --> 00:20:48,857
in Harley's head.
550
00:20:48,957 --> 00:20:50,425
[cunning music]
This is it.
551
00:20:50,492 --> 00:20:53,028
Now begins
the Harlequinade.
552
00:20:53,128 --> 00:20:54,663
- Folks, it's mayhem.
[crash]
553
00:20:54,763 --> 00:20:56,197
Hard to see through the smoke.
554
00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:57,866
- The Central City pitcher
seems afraid
555
00:20:57,966 --> 00:20:59,267
to come off the mound.
556
00:20:59,334 --> 00:21:00,935
- And Swat Fleischacker
seems dazed.
557
00:21:01,002 --> 00:21:02,771
- What's going on down there?
- [Harley giggles]
558
00:21:02,837 --> 00:21:04,372
- Well, Lou, I think
he just got hit in the head
559
00:21:04,472 --> 00:21:05,807
by a female clown.
560
00:21:05,874 --> 00:21:07,609
- That is what's happening,
Stiv.
561
00:21:07,676 --> 00:21:10,512
A female clown is going
absolutely Gashouse Gorilla
562
00:21:10,612 --> 00:21:12,180
on the slugger
with his own bat!
563
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,149
[thunking, giggling]
Well, I think we can call
564
00:21:14,215 --> 00:21:16,318
the hitting streak
at 59 games, Stiv.
565
00:21:16,384 --> 00:21:18,887
Swat is not gonna play
the next game.
566
00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:20,388
[fireworks explode, whistle]
567
00:21:20,488 --> 00:21:22,724
- The bulk of the crowd
is now on the field
568
00:21:22,824 --> 00:21:24,292
detonating explosives,
569
00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:27,195
and at least one hot dog cart
is on fire, Lou.
570
00:21:27,295 --> 00:21:29,364
- Okay, there's definitely
a propane tank
571
00:21:29,464 --> 00:21:31,066
on board there, Stiv.
Gonna need
572
00:21:31,166 --> 00:21:33,068
to monitor that closely,
but first...
573
00:21:33,168 --> 00:21:35,236
[thunk]
Oh, boy, the clown has
574
00:21:35,337 --> 00:21:37,372
thoroughly tenderized
Swat Fleischacker...
575
00:21:37,472 --> 00:21:39,040
- [laughs maniacally]
- And has now turned her fury
576
00:21:39,140 --> 00:21:40,875
on Speedy the Demon Dog.
577
00:21:40,975 --> 00:21:43,411
- The Central City mascot
desperate to find
578
00:21:43,511 --> 00:21:45,547
a place to hide
from a bat-swinging madwoman.
579
00:21:45,647 --> 00:21:47,382
- For God's sake,
she's gaining on you!
580
00:21:47,482 --> 00:21:49,050
Run, Speedy!
[Speedy barks]
581
00:21:49,150 --> 00:21:50,585
Oh, but not behind
the burning hot dog cart.
582
00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:53,088
- No! Get out of there,
you crazy mutt!
583
00:21:53,188 --> 00:21:55,924
It's gonna--
[explosion]
584
00:21:56,024 --> 00:21:58,426
[hot dogs splattering]
585
00:21:58,526 --> 00:22:00,061
narrator: The dog is gone.
586
00:22:00,161 --> 00:22:02,597
In his place,
a gentle rain of sausages.
587
00:22:02,697 --> 00:22:04,699
[laughs maniacally]
588
00:22:04,766 --> 00:22:07,435
narrator: Thus concludes
the Harlequinade.
589
00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:08,937
An irreverent intermission
590
00:22:09,037 --> 00:22:12,107
amidst life and death
in Gotham City.
591
00:22:13,408 --> 00:22:16,044
[soft footfalls]
592
00:22:16,111 --> 00:22:17,212
Where are we now?
593
00:22:17,278 --> 00:22:18,613
Practically nowhere.
594
00:22:18,713 --> 00:22:21,850
We're so deep inside your mind
now, Bruce,
595
00:22:21,916 --> 00:22:25,120
it's miles in every direction.
596
00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:28,556
And I thought your house was
ridiculously big and empty.
597
00:22:28,623 --> 00:22:30,458
Hello!
[rustling]
598
00:22:30,558 --> 00:22:33,928
Was that a tumbleweed?
[giggles] Classic.
599
00:22:34,028 --> 00:22:36,464
You know in the cowboy movies
when the good guy is
600
00:22:36,564 --> 00:22:38,566
just a little bitty speck
on a horse
601
00:22:38,633 --> 00:22:43,438
in the middle of a huge desert,
and his canteen is empty,
602
00:22:43,538 --> 00:22:46,141
and then he loses his horse?
603
00:22:46,241 --> 00:22:48,076
You just lost your horse,
Kemosabe.
604
00:22:48,143 --> 00:22:49,644
Why is it so empty?
605
00:22:49,744 --> 00:22:52,247
- Well, this is
where normal people keep
606
00:22:52,313 --> 00:22:54,315
happy memories, Bruce.
607
00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:57,485
You know, loving and laughing
and learning a little something
608
00:22:57,585 --> 00:22:58,820
along the way?
609
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,255
The stuff that makes us human.
610
00:23:00,321 --> 00:23:02,657
So, uh...you do the math.
611
00:23:02,757 --> 00:23:04,793
- You lie.
- It's easy math, Bruce.
612
00:23:04,893 --> 00:23:07,228
- It's a lot of zeroes.
- That's not true.
613
00:23:07,295 --> 00:23:11,299
Alfred. Robin.
Jim Gordon. Harvey Dent.
614
00:23:11,399 --> 00:23:14,669
- These are not zeroes.
- No, okay, Harvey's a 0.5.
615
00:23:14,769 --> 00:23:16,404
Come on, Brucie,
don't kid yourself.
616
00:23:16,471 --> 00:23:17,839
I'll add it up for you.
617
00:23:17,939 --> 00:23:21,309
Bruce Wayne died
in the alley with his parents.
618
00:23:21,409 --> 00:23:23,678
What lived on is
a bitter and sadistic bag
619
00:23:23,778 --> 00:23:25,780
of barely adequate
coping mechanisms.
620
00:23:25,847 --> 00:23:27,682
- [growls]
- [giggles]
621
00:23:27,782 --> 00:23:29,484
Couldn't have said it
better myself.
622
00:23:29,584 --> 00:23:31,453
Look, I'm sure
this all made sense
623
00:23:31,519 --> 00:23:32,954
when you were ten years old.
624
00:23:33,021 --> 00:23:35,824
You know, the Batmobile
and the Bat-computer--
625
00:23:35,924 --> 00:23:37,459
the whole plan must have seemed
626
00:23:37,525 --> 00:23:41,095
like a totally reasonable way
to deal with grief.
627
00:23:41,162 --> 00:23:44,532
But now you're nothing
but a broken man
628
00:23:44,632 --> 00:23:48,703
who has tailored his fear
into a mask to hide behind.
629
00:23:48,803 --> 00:23:51,139
What a sad spectacle.
630
00:23:51,206 --> 00:23:54,142
And, girlfriend,
I am here for it.
631
00:23:54,209 --> 00:23:57,111
- [giggles]
- Wait.
632
00:23:57,178 --> 00:23:59,147
That laughter.
633
00:23:59,214 --> 00:24:01,483
That glee.
634
00:24:01,549 --> 00:24:04,385
- Who are you, really?
- Huh?
635
00:24:04,486 --> 00:24:06,554
I'm the Bat-Mite, chief.
636
00:24:06,654 --> 00:24:08,356
Don't you read "The Gazette"?
637
00:24:08,456 --> 00:24:10,124
Don't you own "The Gazette"?
638
00:24:10,191 --> 00:24:12,227
- You're not
a newspaper cartoon.
639
00:24:12,327 --> 00:24:13,995
You don't want me to know
who you really are.
640
00:24:14,062 --> 00:24:16,564
- What are you even
talking about?
641
00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:19,033
Brucie, you're on drugs.
642
00:24:19,133 --> 00:24:21,069
Like, literally,
you're on drugs.
643
00:24:21,169 --> 00:24:24,906
- You mock my mask,
but you wear one too.
644
00:24:25,006 --> 00:24:29,043
- What are you hiding?
- [giggles maniacally]
645
00:24:29,143 --> 00:24:31,312
Oh, Brucie.
646
00:24:31,379 --> 00:24:32,680
Sigh.
647
00:24:32,747 --> 00:24:34,249
What a letdown.
648
00:24:34,349 --> 00:24:37,652
I thought for sure
you would have guessed by now.
649
00:24:37,719 --> 00:24:40,889
No idea who's behind the mask?
650
00:24:40,989 --> 00:24:42,924
No idea who's taken up
651
00:24:43,024 --> 00:24:46,394
permanent residency
in your head?
652
00:24:46,494 --> 00:24:48,329
No clue about the fear
653
00:24:48,396 --> 00:24:51,366
that motivates
everything you do?
654
00:24:51,432 --> 00:24:52,500
Take off the mask.
655
00:24:52,567 --> 00:24:54,736
Aww, don't you want to guess?
656
00:24:54,836 --> 00:24:57,071
I am ridicule and delirium.
657
00:24:57,171 --> 00:24:59,774
[clown horn honks]
I'm malicious humor.
658
00:24:59,874 --> 00:25:01,876
[splat]
I am depraved indifference
659
00:25:01,943 --> 00:25:03,545
to reason.
[spring recoils]
660
00:25:03,611 --> 00:25:05,280
Ring any bells?
[cowbells clang]
661
00:25:05,380 --> 00:25:08,716
- Take off the mask.
- Oh, come on, Bruce.
662
00:25:08,783 --> 00:25:10,451
You should know this one.
663
00:25:10,552 --> 00:25:13,221
I'm all you can ever
think about.
664
00:25:13,288 --> 00:25:14,956
24/7.
665
00:25:15,056 --> 00:25:17,559
[distorted cackling]
666
00:25:17,625 --> 00:25:19,027
[elastic stretches, snaps]
667
00:25:19,093 --> 00:25:21,296
- You.
- No, you!
668
00:25:21,396 --> 00:25:23,898
Don't you get it?
[laughs]
669
00:25:23,965 --> 00:25:25,934
I'm you, Bruce.
670
00:25:26,034 --> 00:25:30,872
Except I know I'm insane.
[laughs]
671
00:25:30,939 --> 00:25:33,741
That's why you wear
the mask, Bruce.
672
00:25:33,808 --> 00:25:36,945
Because you can't bear
to look at your own face
673
00:25:37,045 --> 00:25:38,446
in the mirror.
674
00:25:38,546 --> 00:25:40,815
Nothing scares you more.
675
00:25:40,915 --> 00:25:43,151
'Cause if you ever scrounged up
the courage
676
00:25:43,251 --> 00:25:46,154
to look at your own
true reflection, you know...
677
00:25:46,254 --> 00:25:47,655
[cackles]
678
00:25:47,755 --> 00:25:51,893
You would see the Joker
staring back at you.
679
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,128
♪ Two of a kind ♪
680
00:25:54,228 --> 00:25:55,964
♪ Two in a million ♪
681
00:25:56,064 --> 00:26:00,335
♪ Twice can be nice
or double the trouble ♪
682
00:26:00,435 --> 00:26:01,936
♪ Ain't we a pair-- ♪
683
00:26:02,003 --> 00:26:03,004
No.
684
00:26:03,104 --> 00:26:04,839
No sale.
685
00:26:04,939 --> 00:26:07,475
- Huh?
- You're wrong.
686
00:26:07,575 --> 00:26:09,577
The mask isn't my fear.
687
00:26:09,644 --> 00:26:12,680
It's yours. It's theirs.
688
00:26:12,780 --> 00:26:14,515
Any who prey on the weak.
689
00:26:14,616 --> 00:26:16,951
If I have to sacrifice
my humanity to safeguard
690
00:26:17,018 --> 00:26:19,253
that of the innocent people
of Gotham,
691
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:21,489
this does not scare me.
692
00:26:21,589 --> 00:26:24,425
But yes, I feel fear.
693
00:26:24,492 --> 00:26:26,694
To live is to feel fear.
694
00:26:26,794 --> 00:26:29,931
The will to live is
just fear of death.
695
00:26:29,998 --> 00:26:33,334
- Hey now, Brucie,
let's keep it frosty.
696
00:26:33,434 --> 00:26:37,038
- Yes, fear is
my constant companion.
697
00:26:37,138 --> 00:26:40,208
I felt the power of my fear
that night in the alley.
698
00:26:40,308 --> 00:26:43,544
I felt it clench like a fist
in my chest.
699
00:26:43,645 --> 00:26:44,846
A fist of fear.
700
00:26:44,946 --> 00:26:47,448
- I'm sensing
I pushed you too hard.
701
00:26:47,515 --> 00:26:48,816
Let's--[smack]
[groans]
702
00:26:48,883 --> 00:26:50,485
- But then I learned
to strike with it.
703
00:26:50,551 --> 00:26:53,955
[thumping]
Now that fist cracks bones
704
00:26:54,022 --> 00:26:55,156
and loosens teeth.
705
00:26:55,223 --> 00:26:57,058
- [smack]
- [laughs, grunts]
706
00:26:57,158 --> 00:27:00,828
Don't you know...
[chuckles, groans]
707
00:27:00,895 --> 00:27:02,697
You can beat me,
708
00:27:02,797 --> 00:27:05,400
but you're just causing
yourself pain.
709
00:27:05,500 --> 00:27:08,803
- And don't you know
that's how I win.
710
00:27:08,870 --> 00:27:11,239
My pain is your pain.
711
00:27:11,339 --> 00:27:14,342
[thumping, grunting]
My fear is your fear.
712
00:27:14,409 --> 00:27:17,512
[grunting, laughing]
713
00:27:17,578 --> 00:27:20,715
[buzzing crescendos]
714
00:27:22,383 --> 00:27:24,385
- [gasps]
[wood splintering]
715
00:27:26,154 --> 00:27:29,657
[heart monitor beeping]
[panting]
716
00:27:29,724 --> 00:27:30,892
Call home.
717
00:27:30,992 --> 00:27:32,593
[implant trills]
Alfred, can you hear--
718
00:27:32,694 --> 00:27:35,096
- Master Bruce.
- Alfred, good.
719
00:27:35,196 --> 00:27:36,864
My implant
is still transmitting.
720
00:27:36,931 --> 00:27:38,533
I don't know
how long I've been out.
721
00:27:38,599 --> 00:27:40,368
I'm in a hospital bed
somewhere.
722
00:27:40,435 --> 00:27:41,703
Unguarded, but--
723
00:27:41,769 --> 00:27:43,237
- Sir, you must come back
at once.
724
00:27:43,337 --> 00:27:44,372
It's Two-Face.
725
00:27:44,439 --> 00:27:46,107
[yelling indistinctly]
726
00:27:46,207 --> 00:27:47,208
[gunshots]
727
00:27:47,275 --> 00:27:49,343
- [dial tone]
- Alfred?
728
00:27:49,410 --> 00:27:51,579
- A chaotic scene
at Gaslamp Stadium
729
00:27:51,679 --> 00:27:54,415
and the probable end
of the Gaslamps' season.
730
00:27:54,515 --> 00:27:56,684
[muttering indistinctly]
731
00:27:56,751 --> 00:27:58,686
- This package arrived
for you, sir.
732
00:27:58,753 --> 00:28:00,288
- Wha--
[package thumps]
733
00:28:00,388 --> 00:28:03,958
- It is from Mr. Frenchy Blake
and Mr. Maxie Zeus, sir.
734
00:28:04,058 --> 00:28:05,793
Security opened downstairs.
735
00:28:05,893 --> 00:28:08,596
And I'm to open it now?
736
00:28:08,696 --> 00:28:11,799
- It was delivered
with urgency, sir.
737
00:28:11,899 --> 00:28:13,534
[tape ripping, paper crinkling]
738
00:28:13,601 --> 00:28:15,803
- Hmm.
[birds squawking]
739
00:28:15,903 --> 00:28:18,573
Do you know what this is,
Mr. DeCondor?
740
00:28:18,639 --> 00:28:22,310
- It is difficult to identify
with confidence, sir.
741
00:28:22,410 --> 00:28:23,778
Indeed it is.
742
00:28:23,878 --> 00:28:28,216
Especially when it's in
this many bloody pieces.
743
00:28:28,282 --> 00:28:32,320
It is a penguin, Mr. DeCondor.
744
00:28:32,420 --> 00:28:35,323
A dead penguin.
745
00:28:35,423 --> 00:28:38,159
- I have already prepared
the downstairs meat locker
746
00:28:38,259 --> 00:28:39,727
to receive guests, sir.
747
00:28:39,794 --> 00:28:41,629
Who shall I bring to you first?
748
00:28:41,729 --> 00:28:44,165
Mr. Zeus or Mr. Blake?
749
00:28:44,265 --> 00:28:46,567
No, Mr. DeCondor.
750
00:28:46,634 --> 00:28:49,237
We're beyond that now.
[birds squawking]
751
00:28:49,303 --> 00:28:51,305
This isn't an insult
that's answered
752
00:28:51,405 --> 00:28:54,408
with a few broken thumbs.
753
00:28:54,475 --> 00:28:57,845
This is mutiny.
754
00:28:57,945 --> 00:29:01,749
They think
they perceive weakness?
755
00:29:01,816 --> 00:29:04,852
I'll give them a show of force.
756
00:29:04,952 --> 00:29:08,623
I don't want
their spirits broken.
757
00:29:08,689 --> 00:29:12,426
I want their spirits
burned alive
758
00:29:12,493 --> 00:29:15,029
in a ceramics kiln.
759
00:29:15,129 --> 00:29:19,801
I want their defiance
reduced to greasy ashes.
760
00:29:19,867 --> 00:29:22,470
I want the flames of hell
761
00:29:22,537 --> 00:29:26,007
imported directly
from the source.
762
00:29:26,107 --> 00:29:28,810
- Do you mean--
- Yes, Mr. DeCondor.
763
00:29:28,876 --> 00:29:33,014
Extend an invitation
to the Santa Priscan cartel.
764
00:29:33,114 --> 00:29:35,183
Tell them
I'm prepared to negotiate
765
00:29:35,283 --> 00:29:37,785
their expansion
into Gotham City
766
00:29:37,852 --> 00:29:41,222
in exchange for a little help
767
00:29:41,322 --> 00:29:44,725
reestablishing
the rightful order
768
00:29:44,826 --> 00:29:46,694
in the underworld.
769
00:29:46,794 --> 00:29:49,997
[laughs]
770
00:29:50,064 --> 00:29:52,300
narrator: Life and death
in Gotham City.
771
00:29:52,366 --> 00:29:53,801
Epilogue.
[door clicks open]
772
00:29:53,868 --> 00:29:56,838
- Alfred? Harvey?
Robin, come in. Do you copy?
773
00:29:56,904 --> 00:29:59,240
- narrator: The house is empty.
- [on TV] ♪ Gotham City One ♪
774
00:29:59,340 --> 00:30:00,908
narrator:
Where are Alfred and Harvey?
775
00:30:01,008 --> 00:30:02,410
Where is Robin?
776
00:30:02,510 --> 00:30:04,245
And where is the Scarecrow?
777
00:30:04,345 --> 00:30:06,814
- And now it's time
for the Midnight Movie Matinee
778
00:30:06,881 --> 00:30:08,583
with your host, the Creeper.
779
00:30:08,683 --> 00:30:11,252
Tonight's feature,
"Dread Castle,"
780
00:30:11,352 --> 00:30:13,054
starring Julie Madison and--
[static buzzes]
781
00:30:13,154 --> 00:30:16,090
Not tonight, Gotham City.
782
00:30:16,190 --> 00:30:19,493
Tonight, the Scarecrow
is running the spook house.
783
00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:24,498
And tonight's movie is
very, very special.
784
00:30:25,433 --> 00:30:27,602
Gather up the kiddies.
785
00:30:27,702 --> 00:30:30,504
- This is cinema history.
- Oh, no.
786
00:30:30,571 --> 00:30:33,074
For the first time ever,
787
00:30:33,174 --> 00:30:37,078
I present "The Second Skin,"
788
00:30:37,178 --> 00:30:41,415
starring the great
Basil Karlo.
789
00:30:41,515 --> 00:30:45,620
I guarantee when you feast
your eyes on this,
790
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:48,923
you're gonna want to feast
on your eyes. [chuckles]
791
00:30:49,023 --> 00:30:51,025
narrator:
Life and death in Gotham City.
792
00:30:51,092 --> 00:30:53,527
To be continued in part two.
793
00:30:54,762 --> 00:30:57,131
- "Batman:
The Audio Adventures,"
794
00:30:57,231 --> 00:31:00,134
written and directed
by Dennis McNicholas.
795
00:31:00,234 --> 00:31:03,604
Batman created by Bob Kane
with Bill Finger.
796
00:31:03,704 --> 00:31:05,873
Based on characters from DC.
797
00:31:05,940 --> 00:31:08,743
With performances
by Jeffrey Wright,
798
00:31:08,809 --> 00:31:11,779
Aristotle Athari,
Ike Barinholtz,
799
00:31:11,879 --> 00:31:14,815
Rosario Dawson, Steve Higgins,
800
00:31:14,916 --> 00:31:17,485
Toby Huss, Gillian Jacobs,
801
00:31:17,585 --> 00:31:20,221
John Leguizamo,
Dennis McNicholas,
802
00:31:20,288 --> 00:31:22,924
Tim Meadows, Seth Meyers,
803
00:31:22,990 --> 00:31:25,626
Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell,
804
00:31:25,726 --> 00:31:28,162
Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers,
805
00:31:28,262 --> 00:31:30,831
Paul Scheer, Pete Schultz,
806
00:31:30,932 --> 00:31:33,401
Brooke Shields, Brent Spiner,
807
00:31:33,467 --> 00:31:35,803
Kenan Thompson, Alan Tudyk,
808
00:31:35,903 --> 00:31:39,340
Bradley Whitford,
Melissa Villaseñor,
809
00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:42,076
Eli Brueggemann, Doug Bossi,
810
00:31:42,143 --> 00:31:44,946
Ronjini Brown, Chris Gibney,
811
00:31:45,012 --> 00:31:47,481
Julie Larson, Erica Phillips,
812
00:31:47,581 --> 00:31:50,084
Rosie Phillips, Tony Phillips,
813
00:31:50,151 --> 00:31:52,520
Zoey Phillips, Deirdre Quinn,
814
00:31:52,620 --> 00:31:54,188
Robbie Wyckoff.
815
00:31:54,288 --> 00:31:58,292
Executive producers,
John Berg, Angela Petrella.
816
00:31:58,359 --> 00:32:00,695
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
817
00:32:00,795 --> 00:32:02,964
Executives
in charge of production,
818
00:32:03,030 --> 00:32:05,700
Shaleen Desai, Peter Girardi.
819
00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:07,702
Producer, Tyler Dorson.
820
00:32:07,802 --> 00:32:10,271
Production services
by Cast Media.
821
00:32:10,338 --> 00:32:12,206
Producer, Colin Thompson.
822
00:32:12,306 --> 00:32:14,942
Coordinating producer,
DJ Lubel.
823
00:32:15,009 --> 00:32:17,044
Music by Doug Bossi.
824
00:32:17,144 --> 00:32:19,347
Sound recording, design,
and mixing
825
00:32:19,447 --> 00:32:20,881
by Big Yellow Duck.
826
00:32:20,982 --> 00:32:23,551
Sound design, mixing,
dialogue editing,
827
00:32:23,651 --> 00:32:26,220
and rerecording mixing
by Chris Gibney.
828
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:28,823
Dialogue editing
and additional post-production
829
00:32:28,889 --> 00:32:30,391
by Julie Larson.
830
00:32:30,491 --> 00:32:33,627
Original songs by Doug Bossi
and Tony Phillips.
831
00:32:33,694 --> 00:32:35,396
The characters
and events depicted
832
00:32:35,496 --> 00:32:37,198
in this podcast are fictional.
833
00:32:37,298 --> 00:32:39,700
Any similarity
to any actual person,
834
00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:42,536
living or dead,
or to any actual events,
835
00:32:42,636 --> 00:32:46,073
firms, places, and
institutions or other entities
836
00:32:46,173 --> 00:32:48,342
is coincidental
and unintentional.
837
00:32:48,409 --> 00:32:50,511
This podcast is protected
under the laws
838
00:32:50,578 --> 00:32:52,913
of the United States
and other countries,
839
00:32:53,014 --> 00:32:54,682
and its unauthorized
duplication,
840
00:32:54,749 --> 00:32:56,517
distribution, or exhibition
841
00:32:56,584 --> 00:33:00,021
may result in civil liability
and criminal prosecution.
842
00:33:00,087 --> 00:33:03,190
Country of first publication,
United States of America.
843
00:33:03,257 --> 00:33:05,359
"Batman:
the Audio Adventures,"
844
00:33:05,426 --> 00:33:06,861
copyright 2022,
845
00:33:06,927 --> 00:33:08,763
Warner Brothers
Entertainment Incorporated.
846
00:33:08,863 --> 00:33:11,399
Batman and all related
characters and elements
847
00:33:11,499 --> 00:33:13,934
are trademark
and copyright DC.
848
00:33:14,035 --> 00:33:15,569
All rights reserved.
849
00:33:15,669 --> 00:33:18,572
[jazz music]
850
00:33:18,672 --> 00:33:20,174
♪ ♪