narrator: "Batman: The Audio Adventures."
[indistinct voices whispering]
Where am I?
Where are you?
Well, now what kind of question is that, son?
- Father? - You didn't fall asleep,
- did you, Bruce? - Mother?
Mother, it's-it's dark.
- Well, it is a movie theater, Bruce.
- Welcome to the Monarch Theater.
- Sit back and enjoy the show. - Oh, no.
- Bruce, settle down now, dearest.
- It can't be. - The cartoon short
is starting, Bruce.
Who knows what evil dwells
in the heart of the dark of the city?
One lone defender of the night.
Look! In the shadows. On the rooftops.
It's a specter. It's a shade.
It's Bat-Mite! [crash]
- Yuh-oh! [laughter]
- Argus Studios Consolidated Cartoons presents
Bat-Mite in...
"The Thomas and Martha Wayne Murders."
[slide whistle cascades] [splat]
- What is this? What's happening?
- I saw the Mite Lite, Commissioner Gorgon.
What can I do to crush
the city's malefactors tonight?
- Ah, Bat-Mite, finally.
I need you to escort the Wayne family
from the Monarch Theater through Crime Alley.
And when I get back,
I better not find them in a puddle of blood!
Is that clear? [laughter]
- You can count on me, Commissioner.
- No. - What's wrong, Bruce?
Something the matter, son?
- Yeah, something the matter, Brucie?
- What? - Yoo-hoo.
Up here on the screen, mac.
What's the matter? Don't you like the cartoon?
- This isn't happening. This didn't happen.
- Yeah, past and present have gone all screwy
here in Bruce's bean, haven't they?
It's the Scarecrow's fear toxin, of course.
But don't worry.
Just like I told the Commish,
I got everything under--
- All right, youse mugs, this is a stickup.
- [gun cocks] - Yuh-oh!
- I'll take that necklace you're wearing, lady.
- Save us, Bat-Mite!
- Never fear, Bat-Mite is here!
I am vengeance. [boom]
I am judgment. [boom]
I am righteous justice.
I am originally from upstate,
but small-town life doesn't really suit my style.
So a few years back, I sold everything I owned
and I bought a van, and I said,
"If you don't do this now, you're gonna wake up one day
full of regrets, Bat-Mite."
And-- [gunshots]
Yuh-oh! [laughter]
See you around, pally.
- Bat-Mite! - Yuh-oh!
- Whose puddle of blood is this?
And don't you dare say the Waynes'!
[jolly music] [laughter]
- Psst. Hey, Brucie. It looks like you were right.
It looks like your parents are daisy food, again.
- [laughter] - This isn't happening. Focus.
This is just convulsions in your subconscious.
- Oh, boo-hoo. So sue me.
I'm just the vengeance of the night over here.
If you're so sure you could do a better job...
- Well, Thomas, that cartoon was dreadful.
- I've seen enough. - I agree, Martha.
Gather Bruce and let's leave discreetly.
We'll use the exit onto the alley.
- You're about to get your chance to prove it!
narrator: Gotham, an oil slick on the road to salvation.
Join us now for another tale of life and death
in Gotham City.
March 8th.
Bruce Wayne is lost
in the mists of his mind
and at the mercy of the Scarecrow.
Meanwhile, the Penguin mounts
an aggressive effort at damage control,
his fearsome reputation eroded by imprudent ambition.
Without Harvey Dent,
he stands to lose his grip on the underworld.
And without the Joker's head on a pike,
he will lose his precariously-situated
influence over the police department.
Oswald Cobblepot has badly miscalculated.
And his only hope is that Catwoman
can adjust the final tally.
[cat meows] [footsteps splashing]
Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.
Superintendent of Operations
Dr. Jeremiah Arkham has a problem.
- Nurse! Has anyone seen the new nurse?
narrator: He came into work today to find
someone had changed the entry code to his office.
This is irritating but not unusual.
The security keypads are known for their glitches.
[electricity sizzles] The unusual part is,
when he entered his code incorrectly...
- [keypad beeps] - Huh?
narrator: The basement of the asylum flooded.
And every time he enters his code incorrectly...
- [keypad beeps] - Son of a--
narrator: The water rises another 12 inches.
That does it.
narrator: Dr. Arkham knows well
that a problem of this nature
has one, and only one, possible source.
- [lock clicks] - Riddler.
Question:
where did Noah find a leakum?
Answer: in the bottom of his Arkham.
[laughs]
Not funny. Not funny.
- I'll tell you what's not funny.
I booked a room in a sanatorium.
This dump is clearly a sanitarium.
Did you think I wouldn't notice?
[laughs]
Ugh, they're synonyms with different Latin roots.
Why did I think you'd get that?
You're a plebeian from a diploma mill.
- How is it that every time I take away your privileges,
life gets harder for me?
- Well, in military terms, that's called
getting your ass kicked on the battlefield, Jeremiah.
Is it really that hard to understand?
I'm kidding. I know that it is.
- What's it gonna take, huh? Tell me.
- Well, you'd have to go back to school
and attend a real college this time.
And then, um-- oh, you mean about me?
- You know, I thought I'd taken everything
that I could from you.
Well, you certainly tried.
narrator: Indeed, alone in a bare cell,
Riddler is bound tightly in full restraints--
double-straitjacketed,
cuffed to a gurney, legs in irons,
unable to even scratch his nose.
[chains clink] It's a nigh-unbearable
suppression of basic personal freedoms
that is known in the Asylum as "full Joker protocol."
- And still you escalate the juvenile mischief.
Now I realize I've taken everything
except the only thing you care about.
- The true meaning of Christmas?
Your precious intellect.
Wait, what are you saying?
- I'm saying 300 CCs twice daily
of a Haloperidol-Diazepam cocktail
will have you struggling to finish
the junior crossword puzzle
and me clocking out at a decent hour for once.
- You wouldn't dare. You're a doctor.
- Yes, but you know what I finally realized?
My job is just to turn you into a respectable citizen.
Nobody's paying me to deliver you undamaged.
narrator: Riddler is momentarily
without a ready response.
Where is that nurse?
- [door clicks open] - I'm sorry, Doctor.
Finally. Give me the syringe.
I'm sorry it's come to this, Edward.
Well, no, I'm not.
I'll admit it. This is personal.
And ever since I made this decision,
I've felt an indescribable lightness and serenity.
Nurse, I said give me the sedative.
- If you say so, Doctor. - What are you--[groans]
narrator: Dr. Arkham manages to cling
to just enough consciousness to realize...
You're...not...a...nurse.
narrator: Before crumpling to the floor in a heap.
- [groans] - I'll be honest,
I have no idea what I just shot him with
or how long he'll be out.
So let's make this quick, okay?
I have a favor to ask.
Well, well, well.
What has ears like a cat and claws like a cat
and rude 'tude like a cat but isn't a cat?
- Oh, shut up, Eddie. - [laughs]
Well, this is unexpected.
Do I have something worth stealing?
The toilet is an antique,
but I don't think it's valuable.
I told you I need a favor.
And I don't have a lot of time.
I came down here on a simple little errand
to reallocate some resources.
- To steal something? - Don't even call it theft.
It offends my professional integrity.
I just need access to Dr. Arkham's personal files,
which should be like taking candy from a baby.
Instead, I get here to find--
what did you do to his security system anyway?
- Oh, it's a tangled mess for certain.
But like most hopeless puzzles,
it has an oh-so-elegant solution
if one carefully considers the clues.
[clears throat] Riddle me this!
I have no form, no face or features--
- Nope! Not doing the riddle thing.
- Oh, come on! - I'll figure it out myself.
Thanks anyway.
- How is the lady in the cat ears
not the fun one at the party?
- Are you going to tell me how to disarm
your ridiculous booby trap or not?
- And what could you possibly have to offer me
as an incentive?
Well, riddle me this.
Which side of a cat has the most fur?
What?
[keypad beeps, chimes]
- [cell door creaks open] - The outside.
You look pretty uncomfortable in those restraints, Eddie.
I have a car waiting.
It'll take you anywhere you want to go.
You must be getting tired of the Padded Cell Motel.
- Pfft, I escape this dump all the time.
What makes you think I need your help?
- I don't know, Eddie. It sounds like if you stay
under Arkham's care, you're gonna need help
with a whole lot,
starting with basic drool maintenance.
- And what's in Arkham's office that's so important, anyway?
Evidence bag.
Listed contents: one switchblade,
one deck of playing cards, red suits only,
one high-voltage joy buzzer,
$69 in counterfeit $3 bills.
Ugh, $69. What a hack.
What's your interest in that professional
lowest common denominator?
Just the price on his head.
- Well, now you have my interest.
Arkham's file boxes contain
everything the Joker had on him
when the Batman first brought him in.
- Bunch of trash. What could you possibly want
- to do with that? - Nothing.
I'm interested in the one item Dr. Arkham conveniently forgot
to catalogue-- a personal journal.
- Get out. - Filled to the margins
with deeply personal secrets.
- Good God, you don't mean--
- If I'm going to hunt him down,
I need to get into his head.
To get into his head, I need the Joker's secret diary.
narrator: The deepest, darkest secret thoughts
of the Joker laid bare?
Surely Pandora had less to fear from her box.
Stay tuned as we lift the lid on a future tale
of life and death in Gotham City.
[TV set clicks] [tap shoes tapping]
[clicks] [bongos playing, birds sing]
- Happy Mardi Gras, Gotham City.
Yes, it's Fat Tuesday and that means--[clicks]
- The Gotham Gaslamps return to town
for this crucial series with Central City.
- Central City hurler Lucky Bucky Sawfield
very restrained on the mound today.
- Lou, I almost want to say he looks spooked.
- Something has gotten into him for sure.
We'll probably never know what.
Anyway, today's game brought to you
by Oswald Cobblepot's fabulous Iceberg Lounge and Casino.
- If you know what's good for you,
you'll play the Cobblepot way.
The Iceberg Lounge.
Oswald Cobblepot doesn't ask twice.
[clicks] [Theremin music]
- [clicks] - It would be
Basil Karlo's last film
and gain a notorious place in the annals of film history
and the study of criminal insanity.
The film was titled, "The Second Skin."
- [clicks] - Yuh-oh, Brucie!
- You again. - [giggles] Who else?
- You are just a construct of my mind.
A fantasy made of psychedelic chemicals
and surplus brain architecture.
- Oh, are we getting personal now?
- You are the contents of my mental wastebasket.
Doubt, regret, pain.
You are nothing but broken pieces
- of defeated enemies. - Nothing?
Hey, come on! Can nothing do this?
[psychedelic tones]
- Come along, Bruce. We're leaving the theater.
- We'll cut through the alley. - No, no.
- [chuckling] Oh, yes. Movie night is over.
And that means it's almost showtime.
Father, no! Don't do it!
- Yes, Thomas, let's go through the alley.
Alfred's waiting with the car.
- ♪ Let's all go to the alley ♪
♪ Let's all go to the alley ♪
♪ To face a grisly fate ♪
- Not the alley, Mother. Not again.
Yes, Bruce, again.
But this time, you can save them,
unless the fear consumes you...again.
♪ The wolf is at the gate ♪
♪ He's hunting, you're the bait ♪
♪ Let's all go to Crime Alley ♪
♪ To face a grisly fate ♪
[door clunks open] [cat meows]
[echoing footsteps]
- So this is it. Crime Alley.
Gee, I wonder why they call it--
- All right, nobody move. This is a stickup.
- Okay, thank you. I got no further questions.
- I'll take that necklace you're wearing, lady.
- Leave her alone, you! - Quick, Bruce!
This is the chance you've been waiting for!
Use your Bat-Mite junior crime-fighting kit!
- Yes, I have to--what is this?
[chew toy squeaks] [silverware clanks]
[duck quacks] [spring recoils]
- What's the matter? When it really counts,
all your precious toys are just useless junk?
[gunshots, thudding]
- [cackles] - [sighs] Oh.
- [groans] - Oh, boy. Run!
You gotta hide.
That mugger is looking to finish the job.
- Don't you feel the fear? - Yes.
I have--I have to run.
- I have to-- - [chuckles]
- Oh, you gotta do better than that.
You have to hide!
He'll be after you
your...entire...life.
Unless you do something.
[door creaks open, shut]
Psst, maybe in here. [bats squeaking]
- [whispering] What is this place?
It's a cave, I think.
Perfect place to hide.
Yes, I can hide in the cave.
- Come on, little boy. Where you hidin'?
- But if he finds you, what then?
That guy is a Wayne-killing machine,
boy howdy.
To really feel safe, you'll need a disguise.
Here, take this. [fabric flutters]
A cape?
- This is a cape. - Exactly.
Nice fit, but I still see Bruce under there.
You better take this mask too.
There we go. Perfect.
Nobody would ever guess you're a Wayne.
You got the cape. You got the mask.
Congratulations. You look ridiculous.
Ridiculous?
- Completely absurd. Look at you!
[growls] "I shall become a bat."
[cackles] What a schnook.
You're the heir to the Wayne legacy.
What would your father think?
- My father would be proud of me,
of my mission for Gotham City.
- My father was a fighter. - [laughs]
Your father was a doctor, Brucie.
He lived by "do no harm."
Not exactly your MO, huh, Mr. Vengeance of the Night?
You've crippled way more people than he ever saved.
- No. I-- - And what would
your dear old mama think of this dark thing
you made yourself into?
She'd blame herself, of course.
What a dope she was.
She thought she taught you kindness.
- No. - [whistles]
Boy, I thought you were afraid of the mugger.
But we found what you were really afraid of,
didn't we, Brucie?
You're afraid you've disappointed them.
You're afraid you've dishonored them.
And you're right, Brucie.
It's kind of funny when you think about it.
Ever since that night in the alley,
you've been trying to do right by old Mom and Dad.
To be the justice they never got.
But get this. Your entire life's work?
All it's done...
is turn you into something your parents could never love.
No. No.
- [laughing maniacally] - No. No.
[operatic singing]
narrator: Gotham,
where foul play always scores the run.
Join us now for another tale
of life and death in Gotham City.
- [bat cracks] - Folks, tell 'em "heads up"
over in Gotham Heights,
'cause that one is out of here.
narrator: Sold out Gotham Stadium
on a bitter cold March evening.
Perfect Gotham City baseball weather.
Tonight, a homecoming for two-time winter league champs
the Gotham Gaslamps as they face
the down and dirty Demons of Central City.
Star slugger Swat Fleischacker has hit
- his first homer of the night. - Unbelievable!
- And one more homer will break the league record!
narrator: The crowd goes wild.
And the Penguin crows knowingly
to the various nefarious gathered
in his luxurious box seats.
- See? What did I tell you, Frenchy?
Swat Fleischacker is hot tonight.
- Yeah, funny, 'cause it sure looks like
it's the pitcher who's sweatin'.
- Sawfield pausing again to mop sweat from his brow.
- Very sweaty for a cold night, isn't he, Lou?
- Who, old Lucky Bucky Sawfield?
[mimics honk sound] Indeed.
Must have a lot on his mind.
Wonder what it could concern.
I told you the fix was in.
- Hot dogs! - Over here, boy!
Who needs sustenance? I'm positively depleted.
Maxie, would you want a wienie, old boy?
- That's one homer, Oswald. You promised us two.
- I got long green at stake on nothing but your say-so.
Oh, patience.
Tonight's your lucky night, boys.
- The dice of Zeus always fall luckily.
But still, betting on double taters is
- very risky, Oswald. - Oh, stop fidgeting, Maxie,
and eat your hot dog like a good little god.
Trust me, there's plenty of game left.
The fix is in.
narrator: But despite his ample assurances,
it's now the bottom of the ninth
and Swat has yet to hit that second dinger.
- [ball smacks in glove] - You're out!
- Strike three, and Hobart is out of there.
Lucky Bucky is on fire,
and I think the crowd has soured a little, Stiv.
- That they have. And ruh-roh!
Here comes the Central City mascot Speedy the Demon Dog
to rub it in.
[mascot barking]
- Speedy the Demon Dog feeling pretty chesty
in the absence of Lampy, the Gaslamps' mascot.
- Lampy would never have tolerated
this kind of disrespect from a visiting mascot.
May he rest in power.
narrator: Yes, the Demons have taken the swagger
out of the hometown team.
And the confines of the Penguin's private box
is no sanctuary from the pessimism of the crowd.
- Last chance for that homer approaches,
citizen Cobblepot.
Drama, gentlemen, drama!
We have to make it look good, don't we?
And what a great finish this will be for the fans.
One for the ages. You'll see.
We better see, Oswald.
It would go a long way to restoring my faith
in your, let's call it, prominence.
What's that supposed to mean?
- Peanuts! Get your bag of peanuts!
- It means you are stretched thin,
and everyone knows it.
Is that a fact?
- Too much on your plate, they say.
Taking over the police, the merger with Dent--
where is Dent anyway, Oswald?
Cracker Jack!
I got your crunchy Cracker Jacks
with the toy inside!
- My, my. Seems Speedy the Demon Dog
isn't the only one feeling chesty tonight,
eh, Frenchy, old smoke?
- I think your tailfeathers are draggin', Ozzie.
And you're lucky the Bat is busy with the Scarecrow.
You gonna try to tell me I'm wrong?
- I'm going to try to forget you said that, Frenchy.
I pick the winners and losers in this town.
The fools that forget that?
Those aren't the winners, old bean.
- And next up on deck for the Gaslamps,
Swat Fleischacker!
- Fireworks! Get your free fireworks!
- Did she say free fireworks? - That's right!
Happy Mardi Gras, everybody! Free fireworks for everyone!
Get your firecrackers. Get your Roman candles.
What the devil is this?
narrator: It's Harley Quinn and her crew,
decked out in full Mardi Gras regalia
and distributing pyrotechnics
to the rowdy crowd by the fistful.
I say, Clown Woman,
what the devil do you think you're doing?
Hey there, Tuxedo Bandido.
What's it look like I'm doing, mac?
It's Mardi Gras, and I'm here to bring the bang!
- You can't give the crowd explosives.
There's a game going on.
- Oh, do not worry about that, pally.
I told everyone wicked seriously
to, no matter what wait, till the game was totally over
before settin' off any-- [firecrackers crackle]
- Uh-oh. - Wh-what?
- Well, how do you like that? Always one wise guy, right?
- And Fleischacker steps in. - Folks, this could be
for the game and the league record.
- The famously distractible Swat Fleischacker
can't let the moment get to him.
- [fireworks whistle] - Aww, come on, youse guys.
- What did I say? - W-w-what did you think
was going to happen?
narrator: As Penguin burbles with agitation,
Swat Fleischacker steps out to the plate,
swinging the famous Sluggerella.
[bat whiffs] And Harley's eyes light up
like a slot machine.
- [choral music] - That's that bat
- with the magic feeling! - Swat steps up to the plate.
- Folks, so much is riding on this moment.
narrator: This is Harley's thought precisely.
Mine. Now.
- Sawfield winds up... and the pitch.
What a meatball. Slow and over the plate.
Fleischacker digs in and-- [firework pops, whistles]
- [ball smacks in glove] - Strike one.
- [mimics honking sound] No! Focus, you idiot.
narrator: But the louder it gets in the stadium...
[fireworks crackling] The quieter it gets
in Harley's head.
[cunning music] This is it.
Now begins the Harlequinade.
- Folks, it's mayhem. [crash]
Hard to see through the smoke.
- The Central City pitcher seems afraid
to come off the mound.
- And Swat Fleischacker seems dazed.
- What's going on down there? - [Harley giggles]
- Well, Lou, I think he just got hit in the head
by a female clown.
- That is what's happening, Stiv.
A female clown is going absolutely Gashouse Gorilla
on the slugger with his own bat!
[thunking, giggling] Well, I think we can call
the hitting streak at 59 games, Stiv.
Swat is not gonna play the next game.
[fireworks explode, whistle]
- The bulk of the crowd is now on the field
detonating explosives,
and at least one hot dog cart is on fire, Lou.
- Okay, there's definitely a propane tank
on board there, Stiv. Gonna need
to monitor that closely, but first...
[thunk] Oh, boy, the clown has
thoroughly tenderized Swat Fleischacker...
- [laughs maniacally] - And has now turned her fury
on Speedy the Demon Dog.
- The Central City mascot desperate to find
a place to hide from a bat-swinging madwoman.
- For God's sake, she's gaining on you!
Run, Speedy! [Speedy barks]
Oh, but not behind the burning hot dog cart.
- No! Get out of there, you crazy mutt!
It's gonna-- [explosion]
[hot dogs splattering]
narrator: The dog is gone.
In his place, a gentle rain of sausages.
[laughs maniacally]
narrator: Thus concludes the Harlequinade.
An irreverent intermission
amidst life and death in Gotham City.
[soft footfalls]
Where are we now?
Practically nowhere.
We're so deep inside your mind now, Bruce,
it's miles in every direction.
And I thought your house was ridiculously big and empty.
Hello! [rustling]
Was that a tumbleweed? [giggles] Classic.
You know in the cowboy movies when the good guy is
just a little bitty speck on a horse
in the middle of a huge desert, and his canteen is empty,
and then he loses his horse?
You just lost your horse, Kemosabe.
Why is it so empty?
- Well, this is where normal people keep
happy memories, Bruce.
You know, loving and laughing and learning a little something
along the way?
The stuff that makes us human.
So, uh...you do the math.
- You lie. - It's easy math, Bruce.
- It's a lot of zeroes. - That's not true.
Alfred. Robin. Jim Gordon. Harvey Dent.
- These are not zeroes. - No, okay, Harvey's a 0.5.
Come on, Brucie, don't kid yourself.
I'll add it up for you.
Bruce Wayne died in the alley with his parents.
What lived on is a bitter and sadistic bag
of barely adequate coping mechanisms.
- [growls] - [giggles]
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Look, I'm sure this all made sense
when you were ten years old.
You know, the Batmobile and the Bat-computer--
the whole plan must have seemed
like a totally reasonable way to deal with grief.
But now you're nothing but a broken man
who has tailored his fear into a mask to hide behind.
What a sad spectacle.
And, girlfriend, I am here for it.
- [giggles] - Wait.
That laughter.
That glee.
- Who are you, really? - Huh?
I'm the Bat-Mite, chief.
Don't you read "The Gazette"?
Don't you own "The Gazette"?
- You're not a newspaper cartoon.
You don't want me to know who you really are.
- What are you even talking about?
Brucie, you're on drugs.
Like, literally, you're on drugs.
- You mock my mask, but you wear one too.
- What are you hiding? - [giggles maniacally]
Oh, Brucie.
Sigh.
What a letdown.
I thought for sure you would have guessed by now.
No idea who's behind the mask?
No idea who's taken up
permanent residency in your head?
No clue about the fear
that motivates everything you do?
Take off the mask.
Aww, don't you want to guess?
I am ridicule and delirium.
[clown horn honks] I'm malicious humor.
[splat] I am depraved indifference
to reason. [spring recoils]
Ring any bells? [cowbells clang]
- Take off the mask. - Oh, come on, Bruce.
You should know this one.
I'm all you can ever think about.
24/7.
[distorted cackling]
[elastic stretches, snaps]
- You. - No, you!
Don't you get it? [laughs]
I'm you, Bruce.
Except I know I'm insane. [laughs]
That's why you wear the mask, Bruce.
Because you can't bear to look at your own face
in the mirror.
Nothing scares you more.
'Cause if you ever scrounged up the courage
to look at your own true reflection, you know...
[cackles]
You would see the Joker staring back at you.
♪ Two of a kind ♪
♪ Two in a million ♪
♪ Twice can be nice or double the trouble ♪
♪ Ain't we a pair-- ♪
No.
No sale.
- Huh? - You're wrong.
The mask isn't my fear.
It's yours. It's theirs.
Any who prey on the weak.
If I have to sacrifice my humanity to safeguard
that of the innocent people of Gotham,
this does not scare me.
But yes, I feel fear.
To live is to feel fear.
The will to live is just fear of death.
- Hey now, Brucie, let's keep it frosty.
- Yes, fear is my constant companion.
I felt the power of my fear that night in the alley.
I felt it clench like a fist in my chest.
A fist of fear.
- I'm sensing I pushed you too hard.
Let's--[smack] [groans]
- But then I learned to strike with it.
[thumping] Now that fist cracks bones
and loosens teeth.
- [smack] - [laughs, grunts]
Don't you know... [chuckles, groans]
You can beat me,
but you're just causing yourself pain.
- And don't you know that's how I win.
My pain is your pain.
[thumping, grunting] My fear is your fear.
[grunting, laughing]
[buzzing crescendos]
- [gasps] [wood splintering]
[heart monitor beeping] [panting]
Call home.
[implant trills] Alfred, can you hear--
- Master Bruce. - Alfred, good.
My implant is still transmitting.
I don't know how long I've been out.
I'm in a hospital bed somewhere.
Unguarded, but--
- Sir, you must come back at once.
It's Two-Face.
[yelling indistinctly]
[gunshots]
- [dial tone] - Alfred?
- A chaotic scene at Gaslamp Stadium
and the probable end of the Gaslamps' season.
[muttering indistinctly]
- This package arrived for you, sir.
- Wha-- [package thumps]
- It is from Mr. Frenchy Blake and Mr. Maxie Zeus, sir.
Security opened downstairs.
And I'm to open it now?
- It was delivered with urgency, sir.
[tape ripping, paper crinkling]
- Hmm. [birds squawking]
Do you know what this is, Mr. DeCondor?
- It is difficult to identify with confidence, sir.
Indeed it is.
Especially when it's in this many bloody pieces.
It is a penguin, Mr. DeCondor.
A dead penguin.
- I have already prepared the downstairs meat locker
to receive guests, sir.
Who shall I bring to you first?
Mr. Zeus or Mr. Blake?
No, Mr. DeCondor.
We're beyond that now. [birds squawking]
This isn't an insult that's answered
with a few broken thumbs.
This is mutiny.
They think they perceive weakness?
I'll give them a show of force.
I don't want their spirits broken.
I want their spirits burned alive
in a ceramics kiln.
I want their defiance reduced to greasy ashes.
I want the flames of hell
imported directly from the source.
- Do you mean-- - Yes, Mr. DeCondor.
Extend an invitation to the Santa Priscan cartel.
Tell them I'm prepared to negotiate
their expansion into Gotham City
in exchange for a little help
reestablishing the rightful order
in the underworld.
[laughs]
narrator: Life and death in Gotham City.
Epilogue. [door clicks open]
- Alfred? Harvey? Robin, come in. Do you copy?
- narrator: The house is empty. - [on TV] ♪ Gotham City One ♪
narrator: Where are Alfred and Harvey?
Where is Robin?
And where is the Scarecrow?
- And now it's time for the Midnight Movie Matinee
with your host, the Creeper.
Tonight's feature, "Dread Castle,"
starring Julie Madison and-- [static buzzes]
Not tonight, Gotham City.
Tonight, the Scarecrow is running the spook house.
And tonight's movie is very, very special.
Gather up the kiddies.
- This is cinema history. - Oh, no.
For the first time ever,
I present "The Second Skin,"
starring the great Basil Karlo.
I guarantee when you feast your eyes on this,
you're gonna want to feast on your eyes. [chuckles]
narrator: Life and death in Gotham City.
To be continued in part two.
- "Batman: The Audio Adventures,"
written and directed by Dennis McNicholas.
Batman created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger.
Based on characters from DC.
With performances by Jeffrey Wright,
Aristotle Athari, Ike Barinholtz,
Rosario Dawson, Steve Higgins,
Toby Huss, Gillian Jacobs,
John Leguizamo, Dennis McNicholas,
Tim Meadows, Seth Meyers,
Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell,
Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers,
Paul Scheer, Pete Schultz,
Brooke Shields, Brent Spiner,
Kenan Thompson, Alan Tudyk,
Bradley Whitford, Melissa Villaseñor,
Eli Brueggemann, Doug Bossi,
Ronjini Brown, Chris Gibney,
Julie Larson, Erica Phillips,
Rosie Phillips, Tony Phillips,
Zoey Phillips, Deirdre Quinn,
Robbie Wyckoff.
Executive producers, John Berg, Angela Petrella.
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
Executives in charge of production,
Shaleen Desai, Peter Girardi.
Producer, Tyler Dorson.
Production services by Cast Media.
Producer, Colin Thompson.
Coordinating producer, DJ Lubel.
Music by Doug Bossi.
Sound recording, design, and mixing
by Big Yellow Duck.
Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing,
and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney.
Dialogue editing and additional post-production
by Julie Larson.
Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips.
The characters and events depicted
in this podcast are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person,
living or dead, or to any actual events,
firms, places, and institutions or other entities
is coincidental and unintentional.
This podcast is protected under the laws
of the United States and other countries,
and its unauthorized duplication,
distribution, or exhibition
may result in civil liability and criminal prosecution.
Country of first publication, United States of America.
"Batman: the Audio Adventures,"
copyright 2022,
Warner Brothers Entertainment Incorporated.
Batman and all related characters and elements
are trademark and copyright DC.
All rights reserved.
[jazz music]
♪ ♪