1 00:00:02,378 --> 00:00:05,048 narrator: "Batman: The Audio Adventures." 2 00:00:06,549 --> 00:00:09,719 [indistinct voices whispering] 3 00:00:14,690 --> 00:00:15,958 Where am I? 4 00:00:16,058 --> 00:00:17,427 Where are you? 5 00:00:17,527 --> 00:00:19,595 Well, now what kind of question is that, son? 6 00:00:19,695 --> 00:00:21,464 - Father? - You didn't fall asleep, 7 00:00:21,564 --> 00:00:23,633 - did you, Bruce? - Mother? 8 00:00:23,733 --> 00:00:25,635 Mother, it's-it's dark. 9 00:00:25,735 --> 00:00:27,270 - Well, it is a movie theater, Bruce. 10 00:00:27,370 --> 00:00:28,771 - Welcome to the Monarch Theater. 11 00:00:28,871 --> 00:00:30,640 - Sit back and enjoy the show. - Oh, no. 12 00:00:30,740 --> 00:00:32,375 - Bruce, settle down now, dearest. 13 00:00:32,442 --> 00:00:33,910 - It can't be. - The cartoon short 14 00:00:33,976 --> 00:00:35,044 is starting, Bruce. 15 00:00:35,111 --> 00:00:36,612 Who knows what evil dwells 16 00:00:36,712 --> 00:00:39,082 in the heart of the dark of the city? 17 00:00:39,148 --> 00:00:41,084 One lone defender of the night. 18 00:00:41,150 --> 00:00:44,620 Look! In the shadows. On the rooftops. 19 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:46,289 It's a specter. It's a shade. 20 00:00:46,389 --> 00:00:48,925 It's Bat-Mite! [crash] 21 00:00:48,991 --> 00:00:50,493 - Yuh-oh! [laughter] 22 00:00:50,593 --> 00:00:52,795 - Argus Studios Consolidated Cartoons presents 23 00:00:52,895 --> 00:00:54,263 Bat-Mite in... 24 00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:56,332 "The Thomas and Martha Wayne Murders." 25 00:00:56,432 --> 00:00:58,401 [slide whistle cascades] [splat] 26 00:00:58,468 --> 00:01:00,002 - What is this? What's happening? 27 00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:02,472 - I saw the Mite Lite, Commissioner Gorgon. 28 00:01:02,572 --> 00:01:03,773 What can I do to crush 29 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:05,575 the city's malefactors tonight? 30 00:01:05,641 --> 00:01:07,176 - Ah, Bat-Mite, finally. 31 00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:09,679 I need you to escort the Wayne family 32 00:01:09,779 --> 00:01:12,582 from the Monarch Theater through Crime Alley. 33 00:01:12,648 --> 00:01:14,183 And when I get back, 34 00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:17,286 I better not find them in a puddle of blood! 35 00:01:17,353 --> 00:01:18,788 Is that clear? [laughter] 36 00:01:18,855 --> 00:01:20,356 - You can count on me, Commissioner. 37 00:01:20,456 --> 00:01:21,757 - No. - What's wrong, Bruce? 38 00:01:21,824 --> 00:01:23,192 Something the matter, son? 39 00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:25,695 - Yeah, something the matter, Brucie? 40 00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:27,029 - What? - Yoo-hoo. 41 00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:28,764 Up here on the screen, mac. 42 00:01:28,831 --> 00:01:31,334 What's the matter? Don't you like the cartoon? 43 00:01:31,434 --> 00:01:34,003 - This isn't happening. This didn't happen. 44 00:01:34,103 --> 00:01:36,472 - Yeah, past and present have gone all screwy 45 00:01:36,539 --> 00:01:38,875 here in Bruce's bean, haven't they? 46 00:01:38,975 --> 00:01:42,044 It's the Scarecrow's fear toxin, of course. 47 00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:43,479 But don't worry. 48 00:01:43,546 --> 00:01:45,481 Just like I told the Commish, 49 00:01:45,548 --> 00:01:47,383 I got everything under-- 50 00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:49,519 - All right, youse mugs, this is a stickup. 51 00:01:49,619 --> 00:01:51,220 - [gun cocks] - Yuh-oh! 52 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:52,788 - I'll take that necklace you're wearing, lady. 53 00:01:52,855 --> 00:01:54,223 - Save us, Bat-Mite! 54 00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:56,626 - Never fear, Bat-Mite is here! 55 00:01:56,692 --> 00:01:58,227 I am vengeance. [boom] 56 00:01:58,327 --> 00:01:59,996 I am judgment. [boom] 57 00:02:00,062 --> 00:02:01,831 I am righteous justice. 58 00:02:01,898 --> 00:02:03,566 I am originally from upstate, 59 00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:06,536 but small-town life doesn't really suit my style. 60 00:02:06,636 --> 00:02:09,071 So a few years back, I sold everything I owned 61 00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:10,907 and I bought a van, and I said, 62 00:02:11,007 --> 00:02:13,075 "If you don't do this now, you're gonna wake up one day 63 00:02:13,176 --> 00:02:14,844 full of regrets, Bat-Mite." 64 00:02:14,911 --> 00:02:16,913 And-- [gunshots] 65 00:02:17,013 --> 00:02:19,015 Yuh-oh! [laughter] 66 00:02:19,081 --> 00:02:20,383 See you around, pally. 67 00:02:20,483 --> 00:02:22,985 - Bat-Mite! - Yuh-oh! 68 00:02:23,052 --> 00:02:25,521 - Whose puddle of blood is this? 69 00:02:25,588 --> 00:02:28,891 And don't you dare say the Waynes'! 70 00:02:28,991 --> 00:02:30,893 [jolly music] [laughter] 71 00:02:30,993 --> 00:02:33,729 - Psst. Hey, Brucie. It looks like you were right. 72 00:02:33,829 --> 00:02:38,100 It looks like your parents are daisy food, again. 73 00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:41,103 - [laughter] - This isn't happening. Focus. 74 00:02:41,204 --> 00:02:43,272 This is just convulsions in your subconscious. 75 00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:45,775 - Oh, boo-hoo. So sue me. 76 00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:48,678 I'm just the vengeance of the night over here. 77 00:02:48,744 --> 00:02:50,846 If you're so sure you could do a better job... 78 00:02:50,913 --> 00:02:52,949 - Well, Thomas, that cartoon was dreadful. 79 00:02:53,049 --> 00:02:54,784 - I've seen enough. - I agree, Martha. 80 00:02:54,884 --> 00:02:57,220 Gather Bruce and let's leave discreetly. 81 00:02:57,286 --> 00:02:58,955 We'll use the exit onto the alley. 82 00:02:59,055 --> 00:03:02,525 - You're about to get your chance to prove it! 83 00:03:02,592 --> 00:03:06,262 narrator: Gotham, an oil slick on the road to salvation. 84 00:03:06,362 --> 00:03:09,298 Join us now for another tale of life and death 85 00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:10,766 in Gotham City. 86 00:03:10,866 --> 00:03:12,034 March 8th. 87 00:03:12,101 --> 00:03:13,269 Bruce Wayne is lost 88 00:03:13,369 --> 00:03:14,737 in the mists of his mind 89 00:03:14,804 --> 00:03:16,772 and at the mercy of the Scarecrow. 90 00:03:16,872 --> 00:03:18,307 Meanwhile, the Penguin mounts 91 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:20,443 an aggressive effort at damage control, 92 00:03:20,543 --> 00:03:24,447 his fearsome reputation eroded by imprudent ambition. 93 00:03:24,547 --> 00:03:26,048 Without Harvey Dent, 94 00:03:26,115 --> 00:03:28,451 he stands to lose his grip on the underworld. 95 00:03:28,551 --> 00:03:30,453 And without the Joker's head on a pike, 96 00:03:30,553 --> 00:03:32,455 he will lose his precariously-situated 97 00:03:32,555 --> 00:03:34,991 influence over the police department. 98 00:03:35,091 --> 00:03:38,160 Oswald Cobblepot has badly miscalculated. 99 00:03:38,261 --> 00:03:40,596 And his only hope is that Catwoman 100 00:03:40,663 --> 00:03:42,164 can adjust the final tally. 101 00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:44,000 [cat meows] [footsteps splashing] 102 00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:46,902 Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. 103 00:03:46,969 --> 00:03:48,571 Superintendent of Operations 104 00:03:48,638 --> 00:03:51,007 Dr. Jeremiah Arkham has a problem. 105 00:03:51,107 --> 00:03:53,175 - Nurse! Has anyone seen the new nurse? 106 00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:55,011 narrator: He came into work today to find 107 00:03:55,111 --> 00:03:57,680 someone had changed the entry code to his office. 108 00:03:57,780 --> 00:03:59,982 This is irritating but not unusual. 109 00:04:00,082 --> 00:04:02,285 The security keypads are known for their glitches. 110 00:04:02,351 --> 00:04:04,854 [electricity sizzles] The unusual part is, 111 00:04:04,954 --> 00:04:06,355 when he entered his code incorrectly... 112 00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:08,024 - [keypad beeps] - Huh? 113 00:04:08,124 --> 00:04:09,859 narrator: The basement of the asylum flooded. 114 00:04:09,959 --> 00:04:12,695 And every time he enters his code incorrectly... 115 00:04:12,795 --> 00:04:14,363 - [keypad beeps] - Son of a-- 116 00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:16,532 narrator: The water rises another 12 inches. 117 00:04:16,632 --> 00:04:17,867 That does it. 118 00:04:17,967 --> 00:04:19,268 narrator: Dr. Arkham knows well 119 00:04:19,335 --> 00:04:20,703 that a problem of this nature 120 00:04:20,803 --> 00:04:23,439 has one, and only one, possible source. 121 00:04:23,506 --> 00:04:24,707 - [lock clicks] - Riddler. 122 00:04:24,807 --> 00:04:25,875 Question: 123 00:04:25,975 --> 00:04:28,210 where did Noah find a leakum? 124 00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:31,514 Answer: in the bottom of his Arkham. 125 00:04:31,614 --> 00:04:34,317 [laughs] 126 00:04:34,383 --> 00:04:36,719 Not funny. Not funny. 127 00:04:36,819 --> 00:04:38,387 - I'll tell you what's not funny. 128 00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:40,323 I booked a room in a sanatorium. 129 00:04:40,389 --> 00:04:43,326 This dump is clearly a sanitarium. 130 00:04:43,392 --> 00:04:45,127 Did you think I wouldn't notice? 131 00:04:45,194 --> 00:04:46,696 [laughs] 132 00:04:46,796 --> 00:04:49,965 Ugh, they're synonyms with different Latin roots. 133 00:04:50,032 --> 00:04:51,334 Why did I think you'd get that? 134 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,069 You're a plebeian from a diploma mill. 135 00:04:53,169 --> 00:04:56,305 - How is it that every time I take away your privileges, 136 00:04:56,372 --> 00:04:57,873 life gets harder for me? 137 00:04:57,973 --> 00:04:59,975 - Well, in military terms, that's called 138 00:05:00,042 --> 00:05:03,479 getting your ass kicked on the battlefield, Jeremiah. 139 00:05:03,546 --> 00:05:06,349 Is it really that hard to understand? 140 00:05:06,415 --> 00:05:07,750 I'm kidding. I know that it is. 141 00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:10,052 - What's it gonna take, huh? Tell me. 142 00:05:10,152 --> 00:05:12,088 - Well, you'd have to go back to school 143 00:05:12,188 --> 00:05:14,056 and attend a real college this time. 144 00:05:14,156 --> 00:05:17,093 And then, um-- oh, you mean about me? 145 00:05:17,193 --> 00:05:18,527 - You know, I thought I'd taken everything 146 00:05:18,594 --> 00:05:19,895 that I could from you. 147 00:05:19,995 --> 00:05:21,931 Well, you certainly tried. 148 00:05:22,031 --> 00:05:24,367 narrator: Indeed, alone in a bare cell, 149 00:05:24,433 --> 00:05:27,269 Riddler is bound tightly in full restraints-- 150 00:05:27,370 --> 00:05:28,704 double-straitjacketed, 151 00:05:28,771 --> 00:05:31,006 cuffed to a gurney, legs in irons, 152 00:05:31,073 --> 00:05:33,109 unable to even scratch his nose. 153 00:05:33,209 --> 00:05:35,277 [chains clink] It's a nigh-unbearable 154 00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:37,279 suppression of basic personal freedoms 155 00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:40,783 that is known in the Asylum as "full Joker protocol." 156 00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:43,753 - And still you escalate the juvenile mischief. 157 00:05:43,853 --> 00:05:45,421 Now I realize I've taken everything 158 00:05:45,521 --> 00:05:47,022 except the only thing you care about. 159 00:05:47,089 --> 00:05:48,791 - The true meaning of Christmas? 160 00:05:48,891 --> 00:05:50,760 Your precious intellect. 161 00:05:50,860 --> 00:05:52,027 Wait, what are you saying? 162 00:05:52,094 --> 00:05:53,763 - I'm saying 300 CCs twice daily 163 00:05:53,863 --> 00:05:56,132 of a Haloperidol-Diazepam cocktail 164 00:05:56,232 --> 00:05:57,633 will have you struggling to finish 165 00:05:57,733 --> 00:05:59,402 the junior crossword puzzle 166 00:05:59,468 --> 00:06:02,304 and me clocking out at a decent hour for once. 167 00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:04,106 - You wouldn't dare. You're a doctor. 168 00:06:04,206 --> 00:06:06,575 - Yes, but you know what I finally realized? 169 00:06:06,642 --> 00:06:10,112 My job is just to turn you into a respectable citizen. 170 00:06:10,212 --> 00:06:13,315 Nobody's paying me to deliver you undamaged. 171 00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:14,750 narrator: Riddler is momentarily 172 00:06:14,817 --> 00:06:16,252 without a ready response. 173 00:06:16,318 --> 00:06:17,787 Where is that nurse? 174 00:06:17,887 --> 00:06:19,588 - [door clicks open] - I'm sorry, Doctor. 175 00:06:19,655 --> 00:06:21,757 Finally. Give me the syringe. 176 00:06:21,824 --> 00:06:23,826 I'm sorry it's come to this, Edward. 177 00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:25,294 Well, no, I'm not. 178 00:06:25,394 --> 00:06:26,929 I'll admit it. This is personal. 179 00:06:26,996 --> 00:06:28,664 And ever since I made this decision, 180 00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:32,768 I've felt an indescribable lightness and serenity. 181 00:06:32,835 --> 00:06:34,303 Nurse, I said give me the sedative. 182 00:06:34,403 --> 00:06:36,305 - If you say so, Doctor. - What are you--[groans] 183 00:06:36,405 --> 00:06:38,140 narrator: Dr. Arkham manages to cling 184 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:40,810 to just enough consciousness to realize... 185 00:06:40,910 --> 00:06:44,513 You're...not...a...nurse. 186 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,582 narrator: Before crumpling to the floor in a heap. 187 00:06:46,649 --> 00:06:47,950 - [groans] - I'll be honest, 188 00:06:48,017 --> 00:06:49,752 I have no idea what I just shot him with 189 00:06:49,819 --> 00:06:51,120 or how long he'll be out. 190 00:06:51,187 --> 00:06:52,688 So let's make this quick, okay? 191 00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:54,023 I have a favor to ask. 192 00:06:54,123 --> 00:06:55,691 Well, well, well. 193 00:06:55,791 --> 00:06:59,795 What has ears like a cat and claws like a cat 194 00:06:59,862 --> 00:07:02,631 and rude 'tude like a cat but isn't a cat? 195 00:07:02,698 --> 00:07:05,768 - Oh, shut up, Eddie. - [laughs] 196 00:07:05,835 --> 00:07:07,436 Well, this is unexpected. 197 00:07:07,503 --> 00:07:09,371 Do I have something worth stealing? 198 00:07:09,472 --> 00:07:10,673 The toilet is an antique, 199 00:07:10,773 --> 00:07:12,208 but I don't think it's valuable. 200 00:07:12,308 --> 00:07:14,376 I told you I need a favor. 201 00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:15,845 And I don't have a lot of time. 202 00:07:15,945 --> 00:07:18,013 I came down here on a simple little errand 203 00:07:18,113 --> 00:07:19,715 to reallocate some resources. 204 00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:22,384 - To steal something? - Don't even call it theft. 205 00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:24,453 It offends my professional integrity. 206 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,723 I just need access to Dr. Arkham's personal files, 207 00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:30,659 which should be like taking candy from a baby. 208 00:07:30,726 --> 00:07:33,128 Instead, I get here to find-- 209 00:07:33,195 --> 00:07:35,297 what did you do to his security system anyway? 210 00:07:35,364 --> 00:07:37,733 - Oh, it's a tangled mess for certain. 211 00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:39,401 But like most hopeless puzzles, 212 00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:42,471 it has an oh-so-elegant solution 213 00:07:42,538 --> 00:07:45,508 if one carefully considers the clues. 214 00:07:45,574 --> 00:07:47,843 [clears throat] Riddle me this! 215 00:07:47,910 --> 00:07:50,546 I have no form, no face or features-- 216 00:07:50,646 --> 00:07:52,414 - Nope! Not doing the riddle thing. 217 00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:55,184 - Oh, come on! - I'll figure it out myself. 218 00:07:55,251 --> 00:07:56,385 Thanks anyway. 219 00:07:56,485 --> 00:07:57,987 - How is the lady in the cat ears 220 00:07:58,053 --> 00:08:00,155 not the fun one at the party? 221 00:08:00,222 --> 00:08:01,557 - Are you going to tell me how to disarm 222 00:08:01,657 --> 00:08:03,325 your ridiculous booby trap or not? 223 00:08:03,392 --> 00:08:05,361 - And what could you possibly have to offer me 224 00:08:05,427 --> 00:08:06,562 as an incentive? 225 00:08:06,662 --> 00:08:08,264 Well, riddle me this. 226 00:08:08,364 --> 00:08:11,567 Which side of a cat has the most fur? 227 00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:12,835 What? 228 00:08:12,902 --> 00:08:14,770 [keypad beeps, chimes] 229 00:08:14,870 --> 00:08:17,773 - [cell door creaks open] - The outside. 230 00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:20,709 You look pretty uncomfortable in those restraints, Eddie. 231 00:08:20,776 --> 00:08:22,211 I have a car waiting. 232 00:08:22,278 --> 00:08:24,613 It'll take you anywhere you want to go. 233 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:27,182 You must be getting tired of the Padded Cell Motel. 234 00:08:27,249 --> 00:08:30,052 - Pfft, I escape this dump all the time. 235 00:08:30,119 --> 00:08:32,121 What makes you think I need your help? 236 00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:34,189 - I don't know, Eddie. It sounds like if you stay 237 00:08:34,256 --> 00:08:35,891 under Arkham's care, you're gonna need help 238 00:08:35,958 --> 00:08:37,293 with a whole lot, 239 00:08:37,393 --> 00:08:39,695 starting with basic drool maintenance. 240 00:08:39,762 --> 00:08:43,465 - And what's in Arkham's office that's so important, anyway? 241 00:08:43,566 --> 00:08:44,733 Evidence bag. 242 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,303 Listed contents: one switchblade, 243 00:08:47,403 --> 00:08:50,272 one deck of playing cards, red suits only, 244 00:08:50,372 --> 00:08:52,474 one high-voltage joy buzzer, 245 00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:55,744 $69 in counterfeit $3 bills. 246 00:08:55,811 --> 00:08:58,480 Ugh, $69. What a hack. 247 00:08:58,581 --> 00:09:00,950 What's your interest in that professional 248 00:09:01,050 --> 00:09:02,718 lowest common denominator? 249 00:09:02,785 --> 00:09:03,986 Just the price on his head. 250 00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,754 - Well, now you have my interest. 251 00:09:05,821 --> 00:09:07,323 Arkham's file boxes contain 252 00:09:07,423 --> 00:09:08,757 everything the Joker had on him 253 00:09:08,824 --> 00:09:10,259 when the Batman first brought him in. 254 00:09:10,326 --> 00:09:11,994 - Bunch of trash. What could you possibly want 255 00:09:12,094 --> 00:09:13,796 - to do with that? - Nothing. 256 00:09:13,896 --> 00:09:17,433 I'm interested in the one item Dr. Arkham conveniently forgot 257 00:09:17,499 --> 00:09:20,936 to catalogue-- a personal journal. 258 00:09:21,003 --> 00:09:24,073 - Get out. - Filled to the margins 259 00:09:24,139 --> 00:09:26,175 with deeply personal secrets. 260 00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:27,643 - Good God, you don't mean-- 261 00:09:27,743 --> 00:09:28,944 - If I'm going to hunt him down, 262 00:09:29,011 --> 00:09:30,646 I need to get into his head. 263 00:09:30,746 --> 00:09:33,949 To get into his head, I need the Joker's secret diary. 264 00:09:34,016 --> 00:09:36,018 narrator: The deepest, darkest secret thoughts 265 00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:37,786 of the Joker laid bare? 266 00:09:37,853 --> 00:09:40,689 Surely Pandora had less to fear from her box. 267 00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:44,126 Stay tuned as we lift the lid on a future tale 268 00:09:44,193 --> 00:09:46,695 of life and death in Gotham City. 269 00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:48,864 [TV set clicks] [tap shoes tapping] 270 00:09:48,964 --> 00:09:51,100 [clicks] [bongos playing, birds sing] 271 00:09:51,166 --> 00:09:52,768 - Happy Mardi Gras, Gotham City. 272 00:09:52,835 --> 00:09:54,603 Yes, it's Fat Tuesday and that means--[clicks] 273 00:09:54,670 --> 00:09:56,338 - The Gotham Gaslamps return to town 274 00:09:56,438 --> 00:09:58,540 for this crucial series with Central City. 275 00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:01,543 - Central City hurler Lucky Bucky Sawfield 276 00:10:01,644 --> 00:10:03,846 very restrained on the mound today. 277 00:10:03,946 --> 00:10:06,348 - Lou, I almost want to say he looks spooked. 278 00:10:06,448 --> 00:10:08,217 - Something has gotten into him for sure. 279 00:10:08,317 --> 00:10:09,785 We'll probably never know what. 280 00:10:09,852 --> 00:10:11,720 Anyway, today's game brought to you 281 00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:16,492 by Oswald Cobblepot's fabulous Iceberg Lounge and Casino. 282 00:10:16,558 --> 00:10:17,793 - If you know what's good for you, 283 00:10:17,860 --> 00:10:19,294 you'll play the Cobblepot way. 284 00:10:19,361 --> 00:10:20,663 The Iceberg Lounge. 285 00:10:20,729 --> 00:10:22,231 Oswald Cobblepot doesn't ask twice. 286 00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:24,800 [clicks] [Theremin music] 287 00:10:24,867 --> 00:10:26,368 - [clicks] - It would be 288 00:10:26,468 --> 00:10:28,170 Basil Karlo's last film 289 00:10:28,237 --> 00:10:31,507 and gain a notorious place in the annals of film history 290 00:10:31,573 --> 00:10:33,809 and the study of criminal insanity. 291 00:10:33,876 --> 00:10:36,512 The film was titled, "The Second Skin." 292 00:10:36,578 --> 00:10:39,081 - [clicks] - Yuh-oh, Brucie! 293 00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:42,051 - You again. - [giggles] Who else? 294 00:10:42,151 --> 00:10:44,687 - You are just a construct of my mind. 295 00:10:44,753 --> 00:10:47,423 A fantasy made of psychedelic chemicals 296 00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,591 and surplus brain architecture. 297 00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:51,760 - Oh, are we getting personal now? 298 00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:55,764 - You are the contents of my mental wastebasket. 299 00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:58,167 Doubt, regret, pain. 300 00:10:58,233 --> 00:11:00,736 You are nothing but broken pieces 301 00:11:00,836 --> 00:11:03,105 - of defeated enemies. - Nothing? 302 00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:05,741 Hey, come on! Can nothing do this? 303 00:11:05,841 --> 00:11:07,543 [psychedelic tones] 304 00:11:07,609 --> 00:11:09,778 - Come along, Bruce. We're leaving the theater. 305 00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:11,780 - We'll cut through the alley. - No, no. 306 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,918 - [chuckling] Oh, yes. Movie night is over. 307 00:11:16,018 --> 00:11:19,888 And that means it's almost showtime. 308 00:11:19,955 --> 00:11:21,390 Father, no! Don't do it! 309 00:11:21,457 --> 00:11:23,292 - Yes, Thomas, let's go through the alley. 310 00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:24,727 Alfred's waiting with the car. 311 00:11:24,793 --> 00:11:27,396 - ♪ Let's all go to the alley ♪ 312 00:11:27,463 --> 00:11:30,466 ♪ Let's all go to the alley ♪ 313 00:11:30,566 --> 00:11:34,603 ♪ Let's all go to the alley ♪ 314 00:11:34,703 --> 00:11:36,772 ♪ To face a grisly fate ♪ 315 00:11:36,872 --> 00:11:38,540 - Not the alley, Mother. Not again. 316 00:11:38,607 --> 00:11:40,476 Yes, Bruce, again. 317 00:11:40,576 --> 00:11:42,978 But this time, you can save them, 318 00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:47,916 unless the fear consumes you...again. 319 00:11:47,983 --> 00:11:50,819 ♪ The wolf is at the gate ♪ 320 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:53,922 ♪ He's hunting, you're the bait ♪ 321 00:11:53,989 --> 00:11:56,759 ♪ Let's all go to Crime Alley ♪ 322 00:11:56,825 --> 00:11:58,794 ♪ To face a grisly fate ♪ 323 00:11:58,894 --> 00:12:00,662 [door clunks open] [cat meows] 324 00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:02,498 [echoing footsteps] 325 00:12:02,598 --> 00:12:05,334 - So this is it. Crime Alley. 326 00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,569 Gee, I wonder why they call it-- 327 00:12:07,636 --> 00:12:09,338 - All right, nobody move. This is a stickup. 328 00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,573 - Okay, thank you. I got no further questions. 329 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,509 - I'll take that necklace you're wearing, lady. 330 00:12:13,609 --> 00:12:15,811 - Leave her alone, you! - Quick, Bruce! 331 00:12:15,911 --> 00:12:17,446 This is the chance you've been waiting for! 332 00:12:17,513 --> 00:12:19,948 Use your Bat-Mite junior crime-fighting kit! 333 00:12:20,015 --> 00:12:22,351 - Yes, I have to--what is this? 334 00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:23,685 [chew toy squeaks] [silverware clanks] 335 00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:25,187 [duck quacks] [spring recoils] 336 00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:27,289 - What's the matter? When it really counts, 337 00:12:27,356 --> 00:12:29,625 all your precious toys are just useless junk? 338 00:12:29,691 --> 00:12:30,926 [gunshots, thudding] 339 00:12:30,993 --> 00:12:32,828 - [cackles] - [sighs] Oh. 340 00:12:32,928 --> 00:12:35,330 - [groans] - Oh, boy. Run! 341 00:12:35,430 --> 00:12:36,865 You gotta hide. 342 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,934 That mugger is looking to finish the job. 343 00:12:39,001 --> 00:12:41,537 - Don't you feel the fear? - Yes. 344 00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:43,438 I have--I have to run. 345 00:12:43,505 --> 00:12:45,107 - I have to-- - [chuckles] 346 00:12:45,174 --> 00:12:47,476 - Oh, you gotta do better than that. 347 00:12:47,543 --> 00:12:49,211 You have to hide! 348 00:12:49,311 --> 00:12:51,280 He'll be after you 349 00:12:51,346 --> 00:12:55,484 your...entire...life. 350 00:12:55,551 --> 00:12:56,785 Unless you do something. 351 00:12:56,852 --> 00:12:58,620 [door creaks open, shut] 352 00:12:58,687 --> 00:13:01,323 Psst, maybe in here. [bats squeaking] 353 00:13:01,390 --> 00:13:02,658 - [whispering] What is this place? 354 00:13:02,724 --> 00:13:04,326 It's a cave, I think. 355 00:13:04,393 --> 00:13:06,061 Perfect place to hide. 356 00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:07,996 Yes, I can hide in the cave. 357 00:13:08,063 --> 00:13:10,666 - Come on, little boy. Where you hidin'? 358 00:13:10,732 --> 00:13:13,402 - But if he finds you, what then? 359 00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:16,004 That guy is a Wayne-killing machine, 360 00:13:16,071 --> 00:13:17,406 boy howdy. 361 00:13:17,506 --> 00:13:21,343 To really feel safe, you'll need a disguise. 362 00:13:21,410 --> 00:13:23,078 Here, take this. [fabric flutters] 363 00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:24,379 A cape? 364 00:13:24,479 --> 00:13:26,048 - This is a cape. - Exactly. 365 00:13:26,148 --> 00:13:29,818 Nice fit, but I still see Bruce under there. 366 00:13:29,885 --> 00:13:32,654 You better take this mask too. 367 00:13:32,721 --> 00:13:34,089 There we go. Perfect. 368 00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:36,358 Nobody would ever guess you're a Wayne. 369 00:13:36,425 --> 00:13:37,926 You got the cape. You got the mask. 370 00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:41,530 Congratulations. You look ridiculous. 371 00:13:41,597 --> 00:13:42,764 Ridiculous? 372 00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:45,400 - Completely absurd. Look at you! 373 00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:47,502 [growls] "I shall become a bat." 374 00:13:47,569 --> 00:13:50,072 [cackles] What a schnook. 375 00:13:50,172 --> 00:13:52,341 You're the heir to the Wayne legacy. 376 00:13:52,407 --> 00:13:53,942 What would your father think? 377 00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:58,213 - My father would be proud of me, 378 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,515 of my mission for Gotham City. 379 00:14:00,582 --> 00:14:02,784 - My father was a fighter. - [laughs] 380 00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:05,454 Your father was a doctor, Brucie. 381 00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:08,123 He lived by "do no harm." 382 00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:12,361 Not exactly your MO, huh, Mr. Vengeance of the Night? 383 00:14:12,427 --> 00:14:15,430 You've crippled way more people than he ever saved. 384 00:14:15,530 --> 00:14:16,965 - No. I-- - And what would 385 00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:18,901 your dear old mama think of this dark thing 386 00:14:18,967 --> 00:14:20,602 you made yourself into? 387 00:14:20,702 --> 00:14:23,472 She'd blame herself, of course. 388 00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:25,474 What a dope she was. 389 00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:28,243 She thought she taught you kindness. 390 00:14:28,310 --> 00:14:30,078 - No. - [whistles] 391 00:14:30,145 --> 00:14:33,315 Boy, I thought you were afraid of the mugger. 392 00:14:33,415 --> 00:14:36,118 But we found what you were really afraid of, 393 00:14:36,218 --> 00:14:38,887 didn't we, Brucie? 394 00:14:38,954 --> 00:14:42,824 You're afraid you've disappointed them. 395 00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:45,794 You're afraid you've dishonored them. 396 00:14:47,262 --> 00:14:49,932 And you're right, Brucie. 397 00:14:49,998 --> 00:14:52,968 It's kind of funny when you think about it. 398 00:14:53,068 --> 00:14:54,670 Ever since that night in the alley, 399 00:14:54,770 --> 00:14:58,840 you've been trying to do right by old Mom and Dad. 400 00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:01,410 To be the justice they never got. 401 00:15:02,844 --> 00:15:07,449 But get this. Your entire life's work? 402 00:15:07,516 --> 00:15:10,619 All it's done... 403 00:15:10,686 --> 00:15:15,991 is turn you into something your parents could never love. 404 00:15:16,091 --> 00:15:17,826 No. No. 405 00:15:17,926 --> 00:15:20,362 - [laughing maniacally] - No. No. 406 00:15:20,462 --> 00:15:23,966 [operatic singing] 407 00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:26,435 narrator: Gotham, 408 00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:29,304 where foul play always scores the run. 409 00:15:29,371 --> 00:15:31,039 Join us now for another tale 410 00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:33,976 of life and death in Gotham City. 411 00:15:34,042 --> 00:15:35,644 - [bat cracks] - Folks, tell 'em "heads up" 412 00:15:35,711 --> 00:15:37,012 over in Gotham Heights, 413 00:15:37,112 --> 00:15:39,181 'cause that one is out of here. 414 00:15:39,281 --> 00:15:40,549 narrator: Sold out Gotham Stadium 415 00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:42,551 on a bitter cold March evening. 416 00:15:42,651 --> 00:15:45,220 Perfect Gotham City baseball weather. 417 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,523 Tonight, a homecoming for two-time winter league champs 418 00:15:48,623 --> 00:15:50,892 the Gotham Gaslamps as they face 419 00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:54,663 the down and dirty Demons of Central City. 420 00:15:54,730 --> 00:15:56,898 Star slugger Swat Fleischacker has hit 421 00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:59,668 - his first homer of the night. - Unbelievable! 422 00:15:59,735 --> 00:16:02,170 - And one more homer will break the league record! 423 00:16:02,237 --> 00:16:03,572 narrator: The crowd goes wild. 424 00:16:03,672 --> 00:16:05,407 And the Penguin crows knowingly 425 00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:07,309 to the various nefarious gathered 426 00:16:07,376 --> 00:16:09,144 in his luxurious box seats. 427 00:16:09,211 --> 00:16:11,680 - See? What did I tell you, Frenchy? 428 00:16:11,747 --> 00:16:14,349 Swat Fleischacker is hot tonight. 429 00:16:14,416 --> 00:16:15,851 - Yeah, funny, 'cause it sure looks like 430 00:16:15,917 --> 00:16:17,552 it's the pitcher who's sweatin'. 431 00:16:17,652 --> 00:16:19,588 - Sawfield pausing again to mop sweat from his brow. 432 00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:22,190 - Very sweaty for a cold night, isn't he, Lou? 433 00:16:22,257 --> 00:16:24,526 - Who, old Lucky Bucky Sawfield? 434 00:16:24,593 --> 00:16:26,094 [mimics honk sound] Indeed. 435 00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:28,430 Must have a lot on his mind. 436 00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:30,866 Wonder what it could concern. 437 00:16:30,932 --> 00:16:33,001 I told you the fix was in. 438 00:16:33,068 --> 00:16:35,437 - Hot dogs! - Over here, boy! 439 00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:38,273 Who needs sustenance? I'm positively depleted. 440 00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:40,876 Maxie, would you want a wienie, old boy? 441 00:16:40,942 --> 00:16:44,579 - That's one homer, Oswald. You promised us two. 442 00:16:44,679 --> 00:16:47,249 - I got long green at stake on nothing but your say-so. 443 00:16:47,349 --> 00:16:48,717 Oh, patience. 444 00:16:48,784 --> 00:16:50,585 Tonight's your lucky night, boys. 445 00:16:50,685 --> 00:16:54,222 - The dice of Zeus always fall luckily. 446 00:16:54,289 --> 00:16:56,591 But still, betting on double taters is 447 00:16:56,691 --> 00:16:58,727 - very risky, Oswald. - Oh, stop fidgeting, Maxie, 448 00:16:58,794 --> 00:17:01,129 and eat your hot dog like a good little god. 449 00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:04,232 Trust me, there's plenty of game left. 450 00:17:04,299 --> 00:17:06,068 The fix is in. 451 00:17:06,134 --> 00:17:08,036 narrator: But despite his ample assurances, 452 00:17:08,103 --> 00:17:09,805 it's now the bottom of the ninth 453 00:17:09,905 --> 00:17:12,374 and Swat has yet to hit that second dinger. 454 00:17:12,441 --> 00:17:13,975 - [ball smacks in glove] - You're out! 455 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,278 - Strike three, and Hobart is out of there. 456 00:17:16,378 --> 00:17:17,979 Lucky Bucky is on fire, 457 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,582 and I think the crowd has soured a little, Stiv. 458 00:17:20,649 --> 00:17:22,451 - That they have. And ruh-roh! 459 00:17:22,551 --> 00:17:25,487 Here comes the Central City mascot Speedy the Demon Dog 460 00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,888 to rub it in. 461 00:17:26,955 --> 00:17:29,157 [mascot barking] 462 00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:31,493 - Speedy the Demon Dog feeling pretty chesty 463 00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:33,829 in the absence of Lampy, the Gaslamps' mascot. 464 00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:36,098 - Lampy would never have tolerated 465 00:17:36,164 --> 00:17:38,500 this kind of disrespect from a visiting mascot. 466 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,268 May he rest in power. 467 00:17:40,335 --> 00:17:42,270 narrator: Yes, the Demons have taken the swagger 468 00:17:42,337 --> 00:17:43,839 out of the hometown team. 469 00:17:43,939 --> 00:17:46,408 And the confines of the Penguin's private box 470 00:17:46,475 --> 00:17:49,144 is no sanctuary from the pessimism of the crowd. 471 00:17:49,244 --> 00:17:51,847 - Last chance for that homer approaches, 472 00:17:51,947 --> 00:17:53,181 citizen Cobblepot. 473 00:17:53,281 --> 00:17:56,785 Drama, gentlemen, drama! 474 00:17:56,852 --> 00:17:59,855 We have to make it look good, don't we? 475 00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:03,125 And what a great finish this will be for the fans. 476 00:18:03,191 --> 00:18:05,360 One for the ages. You'll see. 477 00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:06,828 We better see, Oswald. 478 00:18:06,928 --> 00:18:09,264 It would go a long way to restoring my faith 479 00:18:09,331 --> 00:18:12,501 in your, let's call it, prominence. 480 00:18:12,601 --> 00:18:14,136 What's that supposed to mean? 481 00:18:14,202 --> 00:18:16,838 - Peanuts! Get your bag of peanuts! 482 00:18:16,938 --> 00:18:19,774 - It means you are stretched thin, 483 00:18:19,841 --> 00:18:21,776 and everyone knows it. 484 00:18:21,843 --> 00:18:23,044 Is that a fact? 485 00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:24,646 - Too much on your plate, they say. 486 00:18:24,713 --> 00:18:27,048 Taking over the police, the merger with Dent-- 487 00:18:27,149 --> 00:18:28,683 where is Dent anyway, Oswald? 488 00:18:28,783 --> 00:18:29,885 Cracker Jack! 489 00:18:29,985 --> 00:18:31,620 I got your crunchy Cracker Jacks 490 00:18:31,686 --> 00:18:32,988 with the toy inside! 491 00:18:33,054 --> 00:18:36,057 - My, my. Seems Speedy the Demon Dog 492 00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:39,394 isn't the only one feeling chesty tonight, 493 00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:41,196 eh, Frenchy, old smoke? 494 00:18:41,296 --> 00:18:43,231 - I think your tailfeathers are draggin', Ozzie. 495 00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:46,301 And you're lucky the Bat is busy with the Scarecrow. 496 00:18:46,368 --> 00:18:47,969 You gonna try to tell me I'm wrong? 497 00:18:48,036 --> 00:18:51,706 - I'm going to try to forget you said that, Frenchy. 498 00:18:51,806 --> 00:18:55,410 I pick the winners and losers in this town. 499 00:18:55,510 --> 00:18:57,712 The fools that forget that? 500 00:18:57,812 --> 00:19:00,515 Those aren't the winners, old bean. 501 00:19:00,582 --> 00:19:02,751 - And next up on deck for the Gaslamps, 502 00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:05,253 Swat Fleischacker! 503 00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:08,190 - Fireworks! Get your free fireworks! 504 00:19:08,256 --> 00:19:10,158 - Did she say free fireworks? - That's right! 505 00:19:10,225 --> 00:19:13,995 Happy Mardi Gras, everybody! Free fireworks for everyone! 506 00:19:14,062 --> 00:19:17,065 Get your firecrackers. Get your Roman candles. 507 00:19:17,165 --> 00:19:18,600 What the devil is this? 508 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,669 narrator: It's Harley Quinn and her crew, 509 00:19:20,735 --> 00:19:23,038 decked out in full Mardi Gras regalia 510 00:19:23,104 --> 00:19:24,706 and distributing pyrotechnics 511 00:19:24,773 --> 00:19:26,708 to the rowdy crowd by the fistful. 512 00:19:26,775 --> 00:19:28,176 I say, Clown Woman, 513 00:19:28,243 --> 00:19:29,945 what the devil do you think you're doing? 514 00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:31,780 Hey there, Tuxedo Bandido. 515 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,782 What's it look like I'm doing, mac? 516 00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:36,785 It's Mardi Gras, and I'm here to bring the bang! 517 00:19:36,885 --> 00:19:39,454 - You can't give the crowd explosives. 518 00:19:39,554 --> 00:19:41,022 There's a game going on. 519 00:19:41,089 --> 00:19:43,291 - Oh, do not worry about that, pally. 520 00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:45,627 I told everyone wicked seriously 521 00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:48,730 to, no matter what wait, till the game was totally over 522 00:19:48,797 --> 00:19:50,298 before settin' off any-- [firecrackers crackle] 523 00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:51,967 - Uh-oh. - Wh-what? 524 00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:54,803 - Well, how do you like that? Always one wise guy, right? 525 00:19:54,903 --> 00:19:57,305 - And Fleischacker steps in. - Folks, this could be 526 00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:59,374 for the game and the league record. 527 00:19:59,441 --> 00:20:01,610 - The famously distractible Swat Fleischacker 528 00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:03,311 can't let the moment get to him. 529 00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:06,081 - [fireworks whistle] - Aww, come on, youse guys. 530 00:20:06,147 --> 00:20:08,483 - What did I say? - W-w-what did you think 531 00:20:08,583 --> 00:20:09,985 was going to happen? 532 00:20:10,085 --> 00:20:11,720 narrator: As Penguin burbles with agitation, 533 00:20:11,786 --> 00:20:13,955 Swat Fleischacker steps out to the plate, 534 00:20:14,055 --> 00:20:15,657 swinging the famous Sluggerella. 535 00:20:15,757 --> 00:20:17,559 [bat whiffs] And Harley's eyes light up 536 00:20:17,626 --> 00:20:18,827 like a slot machine. 537 00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:20,595 - [choral music] - That's that bat 538 00:20:20,662 --> 00:20:23,398 - with the magic feeling! - Swat steps up to the plate. 539 00:20:23,465 --> 00:20:25,667 - Folks, so much is riding on this moment. 540 00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,136 narrator: This is Harley's thought precisely. 541 00:20:28,236 --> 00:20:31,573 Mine. Now. 542 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,175 - Sawfield winds up... and the pitch. 543 00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:36,244 What a meatball. Slow and over the plate. 544 00:20:36,311 --> 00:20:38,947 Fleischacker digs in and-- [firework pops, whistles] 545 00:20:39,014 --> 00:20:40,915 - [ball smacks in glove] - Strike one. 546 00:20:40,982 --> 00:20:44,286 - [mimics honking sound] No! Focus, you idiot. 547 00:20:44,352 --> 00:20:46,288 narrator: But the louder it gets in the stadium... 548 00:20:46,354 --> 00:20:47,589 [fireworks crackling] The quieter it gets 549 00:20:47,656 --> 00:20:48,857 in Harley's head. 550 00:20:48,957 --> 00:20:50,425 [cunning music] This is it. 551 00:20:50,492 --> 00:20:53,028 Now begins the Harlequinade. 552 00:20:53,128 --> 00:20:54,663 - Folks, it's mayhem. [crash] 553 00:20:54,763 --> 00:20:56,197 Hard to see through the smoke. 554 00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:57,866 - The Central City pitcher seems afraid 555 00:20:57,966 --> 00:20:59,267 to come off the mound. 556 00:20:59,334 --> 00:21:00,935 - And Swat Fleischacker seems dazed. 557 00:21:01,002 --> 00:21:02,771 - What's going on down there? - [Harley giggles] 558 00:21:02,837 --> 00:21:04,372 - Well, Lou, I think he just got hit in the head 559 00:21:04,472 --> 00:21:05,807 by a female clown. 560 00:21:05,874 --> 00:21:07,609 - That is what's happening, Stiv. 561 00:21:07,676 --> 00:21:10,512 A female clown is going absolutely Gashouse Gorilla 562 00:21:10,612 --> 00:21:12,180 on the slugger with his own bat! 563 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,149 [thunking, giggling] Well, I think we can call 564 00:21:14,215 --> 00:21:16,318 the hitting streak at 59 games, Stiv. 565 00:21:16,384 --> 00:21:18,887 Swat is not gonna play the next game. 566 00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:20,388 [fireworks explode, whistle] 567 00:21:20,488 --> 00:21:22,724 - The bulk of the crowd is now on the field 568 00:21:22,824 --> 00:21:24,292 detonating explosives, 569 00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:27,195 and at least one hot dog cart is on fire, Lou. 570 00:21:27,295 --> 00:21:29,364 - Okay, there's definitely a propane tank 571 00:21:29,464 --> 00:21:31,066 on board there, Stiv. Gonna need 572 00:21:31,166 --> 00:21:33,068 to monitor that closely, but first... 573 00:21:33,168 --> 00:21:35,236 [thunk] Oh, boy, the clown has 574 00:21:35,337 --> 00:21:37,372 thoroughly tenderized Swat Fleischacker... 575 00:21:37,472 --> 00:21:39,040 - [laughs maniacally] - And has now turned her fury 576 00:21:39,140 --> 00:21:40,875 on Speedy the Demon Dog. 577 00:21:40,975 --> 00:21:43,411 - The Central City mascot desperate to find 578 00:21:43,511 --> 00:21:45,547 a place to hide from a bat-swinging madwoman. 579 00:21:45,647 --> 00:21:47,382 - For God's sake, she's gaining on you! 580 00:21:47,482 --> 00:21:49,050 Run, Speedy! [Speedy barks] 581 00:21:49,150 --> 00:21:50,585 Oh, but not behind the burning hot dog cart. 582 00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:53,088 - No! Get out of there, you crazy mutt! 583 00:21:53,188 --> 00:21:55,924 It's gonna-- [explosion] 584 00:21:56,024 --> 00:21:58,426 [hot dogs splattering] 585 00:21:58,526 --> 00:22:00,061 narrator: The dog is gone. 586 00:22:00,161 --> 00:22:02,597 In his place, a gentle rain of sausages. 587 00:22:02,697 --> 00:22:04,699 [laughs maniacally] 588 00:22:04,766 --> 00:22:07,435 narrator: Thus concludes the Harlequinade. 589 00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:08,937 An irreverent intermission 590 00:22:09,037 --> 00:22:12,107 amidst life and death in Gotham City. 591 00:22:13,408 --> 00:22:16,044 [soft footfalls] 592 00:22:16,111 --> 00:22:17,212 Where are we now? 593 00:22:17,278 --> 00:22:18,613 Practically nowhere. 594 00:22:18,713 --> 00:22:21,850 We're so deep inside your mind now, Bruce, 595 00:22:21,916 --> 00:22:25,120 it's miles in every direction. 596 00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:28,556 And I thought your house was ridiculously big and empty. 597 00:22:28,623 --> 00:22:30,458 Hello! [rustling] 598 00:22:30,558 --> 00:22:33,928 Was that a tumbleweed? [giggles] Classic. 599 00:22:34,028 --> 00:22:36,464 You know in the cowboy movies when the good guy is 600 00:22:36,564 --> 00:22:38,566 just a little bitty speck on a horse 601 00:22:38,633 --> 00:22:43,438 in the middle of a huge desert, and his canteen is empty, 602 00:22:43,538 --> 00:22:46,141 and then he loses his horse? 603 00:22:46,241 --> 00:22:48,076 You just lost your horse, Kemosabe. 604 00:22:48,143 --> 00:22:49,644 Why is it so empty? 605 00:22:49,744 --> 00:22:52,247 - Well, this is where normal people keep 606 00:22:52,313 --> 00:22:54,315 happy memories, Bruce. 607 00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:57,485 You know, loving and laughing and learning a little something 608 00:22:57,585 --> 00:22:58,820 along the way? 609 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,255 The stuff that makes us human. 610 00:23:00,321 --> 00:23:02,657 So, uh...you do the math. 611 00:23:02,757 --> 00:23:04,793 - You lie. - It's easy math, Bruce. 612 00:23:04,893 --> 00:23:07,228 - It's a lot of zeroes. - That's not true. 613 00:23:07,295 --> 00:23:11,299 Alfred. Robin. Jim Gordon. Harvey Dent. 614 00:23:11,399 --> 00:23:14,669 - These are not zeroes. - No, okay, Harvey's a 0.5. 615 00:23:14,769 --> 00:23:16,404 Come on, Brucie, don't kid yourself. 616 00:23:16,471 --> 00:23:17,839 I'll add it up for you. 617 00:23:17,939 --> 00:23:21,309 Bruce Wayne died in the alley with his parents. 618 00:23:21,409 --> 00:23:23,678 What lived on is a bitter and sadistic bag 619 00:23:23,778 --> 00:23:25,780 of barely adequate coping mechanisms. 620 00:23:25,847 --> 00:23:27,682 - [growls] - [giggles] 621 00:23:27,782 --> 00:23:29,484 Couldn't have said it better myself. 622 00:23:29,584 --> 00:23:31,453 Look, I'm sure this all made sense 623 00:23:31,519 --> 00:23:32,954 when you were ten years old. 624 00:23:33,021 --> 00:23:35,824 You know, the Batmobile and the Bat-computer-- 625 00:23:35,924 --> 00:23:37,459 the whole plan must have seemed 626 00:23:37,525 --> 00:23:41,095 like a totally reasonable way to deal with grief. 627 00:23:41,162 --> 00:23:44,532 But now you're nothing but a broken man 628 00:23:44,632 --> 00:23:48,703 who has tailored his fear into a mask to hide behind. 629 00:23:48,803 --> 00:23:51,139 What a sad spectacle. 630 00:23:51,206 --> 00:23:54,142 And, girlfriend, I am here for it. 631 00:23:54,209 --> 00:23:57,111 - [giggles] - Wait. 632 00:23:57,178 --> 00:23:59,147 That laughter. 633 00:23:59,214 --> 00:24:01,483 That glee. 634 00:24:01,549 --> 00:24:04,385 - Who are you, really? - Huh? 635 00:24:04,486 --> 00:24:06,554 I'm the Bat-Mite, chief. 636 00:24:06,654 --> 00:24:08,356 Don't you read "The Gazette"? 637 00:24:08,456 --> 00:24:10,124 Don't you own "The Gazette"? 638 00:24:10,191 --> 00:24:12,227 - You're not a newspaper cartoon. 639 00:24:12,327 --> 00:24:13,995 You don't want me to know who you really are. 640 00:24:14,062 --> 00:24:16,564 - What are you even talking about? 641 00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:19,033 Brucie, you're on drugs. 642 00:24:19,133 --> 00:24:21,069 Like, literally, you're on drugs. 643 00:24:21,169 --> 00:24:24,906 - You mock my mask, but you wear one too. 644 00:24:25,006 --> 00:24:29,043 - What are you hiding? - [giggles maniacally] 645 00:24:29,143 --> 00:24:31,312 Oh, Brucie. 646 00:24:31,379 --> 00:24:32,680 Sigh. 647 00:24:32,747 --> 00:24:34,249 What a letdown. 648 00:24:34,349 --> 00:24:37,652 I thought for sure you would have guessed by now. 649 00:24:37,719 --> 00:24:40,889 No idea who's behind the mask? 650 00:24:40,989 --> 00:24:42,924 No idea who's taken up 651 00:24:43,024 --> 00:24:46,394 permanent residency in your head? 652 00:24:46,494 --> 00:24:48,329 No clue about the fear 653 00:24:48,396 --> 00:24:51,366 that motivates everything you do? 654 00:24:51,432 --> 00:24:52,500 Take off the mask. 655 00:24:52,567 --> 00:24:54,736 Aww, don't you want to guess? 656 00:24:54,836 --> 00:24:57,071 I am ridicule and delirium. 657 00:24:57,171 --> 00:24:59,774 [clown horn honks] I'm malicious humor. 658 00:24:59,874 --> 00:25:01,876 [splat] I am depraved indifference 659 00:25:01,943 --> 00:25:03,545 to reason. [spring recoils] 660 00:25:03,611 --> 00:25:05,280 Ring any bells? [cowbells clang] 661 00:25:05,380 --> 00:25:08,716 - Take off the mask. - Oh, come on, Bruce. 662 00:25:08,783 --> 00:25:10,451 You should know this one. 663 00:25:10,552 --> 00:25:13,221 I'm all you can ever think about. 664 00:25:13,288 --> 00:25:14,956 24/7. 665 00:25:15,056 --> 00:25:17,559 [distorted cackling] 666 00:25:17,625 --> 00:25:19,027 [elastic stretches, snaps] 667 00:25:19,093 --> 00:25:21,296 - You. - No, you! 668 00:25:21,396 --> 00:25:23,898 Don't you get it? [laughs] 669 00:25:23,965 --> 00:25:25,934 I'm you, Bruce. 670 00:25:26,034 --> 00:25:30,872 Except I know I'm insane. [laughs] 671 00:25:30,939 --> 00:25:33,741 That's why you wear the mask, Bruce. 672 00:25:33,808 --> 00:25:36,945 Because you can't bear to look at your own face 673 00:25:37,045 --> 00:25:38,446 in the mirror. 674 00:25:38,546 --> 00:25:40,815 Nothing scares you more. 675 00:25:40,915 --> 00:25:43,151 'Cause if you ever scrounged up the courage 676 00:25:43,251 --> 00:25:46,154 to look at your own true reflection, you know... 677 00:25:46,254 --> 00:25:47,655 [cackles] 678 00:25:47,755 --> 00:25:51,893 You would see the Joker staring back at you. 679 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,128 ♪ Two of a kind ♪ 680 00:25:54,228 --> 00:25:55,964 ♪ Two in a million ♪ 681 00:25:56,064 --> 00:26:00,335 ♪ Twice can be nice or double the trouble ♪ 682 00:26:00,435 --> 00:26:01,936 ♪ Ain't we a pair-- ♪ 683 00:26:02,003 --> 00:26:03,004 No. 684 00:26:03,104 --> 00:26:04,839 No sale. 685 00:26:04,939 --> 00:26:07,475 - Huh? - You're wrong. 686 00:26:07,575 --> 00:26:09,577 The mask isn't my fear. 687 00:26:09,644 --> 00:26:12,680 It's yours. It's theirs. 688 00:26:12,780 --> 00:26:14,515 Any who prey on the weak. 689 00:26:14,616 --> 00:26:16,951 If I have to sacrifice my humanity to safeguard 690 00:26:17,018 --> 00:26:19,253 that of the innocent people of Gotham, 691 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:21,489 this does not scare me. 692 00:26:21,589 --> 00:26:24,425 But yes, I feel fear. 693 00:26:24,492 --> 00:26:26,694 To live is to feel fear. 694 00:26:26,794 --> 00:26:29,931 The will to live is just fear of death. 695 00:26:29,998 --> 00:26:33,334 - Hey now, Brucie, let's keep it frosty. 696 00:26:33,434 --> 00:26:37,038 - Yes, fear is my constant companion. 697 00:26:37,138 --> 00:26:40,208 I felt the power of my fear that night in the alley. 698 00:26:40,308 --> 00:26:43,544 I felt it clench like a fist in my chest. 699 00:26:43,645 --> 00:26:44,846 A fist of fear. 700 00:26:44,946 --> 00:26:47,448 - I'm sensing I pushed you too hard. 701 00:26:47,515 --> 00:26:48,816 Let's--[smack] [groans] 702 00:26:48,883 --> 00:26:50,485 - But then I learned to strike with it. 703 00:26:50,551 --> 00:26:53,955 [thumping] Now that fist cracks bones 704 00:26:54,022 --> 00:26:55,156 and loosens teeth. 705 00:26:55,223 --> 00:26:57,058 - [smack] - [laughs, grunts] 706 00:26:57,158 --> 00:27:00,828 Don't you know... [chuckles, groans] 707 00:27:00,895 --> 00:27:02,697 You can beat me, 708 00:27:02,797 --> 00:27:05,400 but you're just causing yourself pain. 709 00:27:05,500 --> 00:27:08,803 - And don't you know that's how I win. 710 00:27:08,870 --> 00:27:11,239 My pain is your pain. 711 00:27:11,339 --> 00:27:14,342 [thumping, grunting] My fear is your fear. 712 00:27:14,409 --> 00:27:17,512 [grunting, laughing] 713 00:27:17,578 --> 00:27:20,715 [buzzing crescendos] 714 00:27:22,383 --> 00:27:24,385 - [gasps] [wood splintering] 715 00:27:26,154 --> 00:27:29,657 [heart monitor beeping] [panting] 716 00:27:29,724 --> 00:27:30,892 Call home. 717 00:27:30,992 --> 00:27:32,593 [implant trills] Alfred, can you hear-- 718 00:27:32,694 --> 00:27:35,096 - Master Bruce. - Alfred, good. 719 00:27:35,196 --> 00:27:36,864 My implant is still transmitting. 720 00:27:36,931 --> 00:27:38,533 I don't know how long I've been out. 721 00:27:38,599 --> 00:27:40,368 I'm in a hospital bed somewhere. 722 00:27:40,435 --> 00:27:41,703 Unguarded, but-- 723 00:27:41,769 --> 00:27:43,237 - Sir, you must come back at once. 724 00:27:43,337 --> 00:27:44,372 It's Two-Face. 725 00:27:44,439 --> 00:27:46,107 [yelling indistinctly] 726 00:27:46,207 --> 00:27:47,208 [gunshots] 727 00:27:47,275 --> 00:27:49,343 - [dial tone] - Alfred? 728 00:27:49,410 --> 00:27:51,579 - A chaotic scene at Gaslamp Stadium 729 00:27:51,679 --> 00:27:54,415 and the probable end of the Gaslamps' season. 730 00:27:54,515 --> 00:27:56,684 [muttering indistinctly] 731 00:27:56,751 --> 00:27:58,686 - This package arrived for you, sir. 732 00:27:58,753 --> 00:28:00,288 - Wha-- [package thumps] 733 00:28:00,388 --> 00:28:03,958 - It is from Mr. Frenchy Blake and Mr. Maxie Zeus, sir. 734 00:28:04,058 --> 00:28:05,793 Security opened downstairs. 735 00:28:05,893 --> 00:28:08,596 And I'm to open it now? 736 00:28:08,696 --> 00:28:11,799 - It was delivered with urgency, sir. 737 00:28:11,899 --> 00:28:13,534 [tape ripping, paper crinkling] 738 00:28:13,601 --> 00:28:15,803 - Hmm. [birds squawking] 739 00:28:15,903 --> 00:28:18,573 Do you know what this is, Mr. DeCondor? 740 00:28:18,639 --> 00:28:22,310 - It is difficult to identify with confidence, sir. 741 00:28:22,410 --> 00:28:23,778 Indeed it is. 742 00:28:23,878 --> 00:28:28,216 Especially when it's in this many bloody pieces. 743 00:28:28,282 --> 00:28:32,320 It is a penguin, Mr. DeCondor. 744 00:28:32,420 --> 00:28:35,323 A dead penguin. 745 00:28:35,423 --> 00:28:38,159 - I have already prepared the downstairs meat locker 746 00:28:38,259 --> 00:28:39,727 to receive guests, sir. 747 00:28:39,794 --> 00:28:41,629 Who shall I bring to you first? 748 00:28:41,729 --> 00:28:44,165 Mr. Zeus or Mr. Blake? 749 00:28:44,265 --> 00:28:46,567 No, Mr. DeCondor. 750 00:28:46,634 --> 00:28:49,237 We're beyond that now. [birds squawking] 751 00:28:49,303 --> 00:28:51,305 This isn't an insult that's answered 752 00:28:51,405 --> 00:28:54,408 with a few broken thumbs. 753 00:28:54,475 --> 00:28:57,845 This is mutiny. 754 00:28:57,945 --> 00:29:01,749 They think they perceive weakness? 755 00:29:01,816 --> 00:29:04,852 I'll give them a show of force. 756 00:29:04,952 --> 00:29:08,623 I don't want their spirits broken. 757 00:29:08,689 --> 00:29:12,426 I want their spirits burned alive 758 00:29:12,493 --> 00:29:15,029 in a ceramics kiln. 759 00:29:15,129 --> 00:29:19,801 I want their defiance reduced to greasy ashes. 760 00:29:19,867 --> 00:29:22,470 I want the flames of hell 761 00:29:22,537 --> 00:29:26,007 imported directly from the source. 762 00:29:26,107 --> 00:29:28,810 - Do you mean-- - Yes, Mr. DeCondor. 763 00:29:28,876 --> 00:29:33,014 Extend an invitation to the Santa Priscan cartel. 764 00:29:33,114 --> 00:29:35,183 Tell them I'm prepared to negotiate 765 00:29:35,283 --> 00:29:37,785 their expansion into Gotham City 766 00:29:37,852 --> 00:29:41,222 in exchange for a little help 767 00:29:41,322 --> 00:29:44,725 reestablishing the rightful order 768 00:29:44,826 --> 00:29:46,694 in the underworld. 769 00:29:46,794 --> 00:29:49,997 [laughs] 770 00:29:50,064 --> 00:29:52,300 narrator: Life and death in Gotham City. 771 00:29:52,366 --> 00:29:53,801 Epilogue. [door clicks open] 772 00:29:53,868 --> 00:29:56,838 - Alfred? Harvey? Robin, come in. Do you copy? 773 00:29:56,904 --> 00:29:59,240 - narrator: The house is empty. - [on TV] ♪ Gotham City One ♪ 774 00:29:59,340 --> 00:30:00,908 narrator: Where are Alfred and Harvey? 775 00:30:01,008 --> 00:30:02,410 Where is Robin? 776 00:30:02,510 --> 00:30:04,245 And where is the Scarecrow? 777 00:30:04,345 --> 00:30:06,814 - And now it's time for the Midnight Movie Matinee 778 00:30:06,881 --> 00:30:08,583 with your host, the Creeper. 779 00:30:08,683 --> 00:30:11,252 Tonight's feature, "Dread Castle," 780 00:30:11,352 --> 00:30:13,054 starring Julie Madison and-- [static buzzes] 781 00:30:13,154 --> 00:30:16,090 Not tonight, Gotham City. 782 00:30:16,190 --> 00:30:19,493 Tonight, the Scarecrow is running the spook house. 783 00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:24,498 And tonight's movie is very, very special. 784 00:30:25,433 --> 00:30:27,602 Gather up the kiddies. 785 00:30:27,702 --> 00:30:30,504 - This is cinema history. - Oh, no. 786 00:30:30,571 --> 00:30:33,074 For the first time ever, 787 00:30:33,174 --> 00:30:37,078 I present "The Second Skin," 788 00:30:37,178 --> 00:30:41,415 starring the great Basil Karlo. 789 00:30:41,515 --> 00:30:45,620 I guarantee when you feast your eyes on this, 790 00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:48,923 you're gonna want to feast on your eyes. [chuckles] 791 00:30:49,023 --> 00:30:51,025 narrator: Life and death in Gotham City. 792 00:30:51,092 --> 00:30:53,527 To be continued in part two. 793 00:30:54,762 --> 00:30:57,131 - "Batman: The Audio Adventures," 794 00:30:57,231 --> 00:31:00,134 written and directed by Dennis McNicholas. 795 00:31:00,234 --> 00:31:03,604 Batman created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger. 796 00:31:03,704 --> 00:31:05,873 Based on characters from DC. 797 00:31:05,940 --> 00:31:08,743 With performances by Jeffrey Wright, 798 00:31:08,809 --> 00:31:11,779 Aristotle Athari, Ike Barinholtz, 799 00:31:11,879 --> 00:31:14,815 Rosario Dawson, Steve Higgins, 800 00:31:14,916 --> 00:31:17,485 Toby Huss, Gillian Jacobs, 801 00:31:17,585 --> 00:31:20,221 John Leguizamo, Dennis McNicholas, 802 00:31:20,288 --> 00:31:22,924 Tim Meadows, Seth Meyers, 803 00:31:22,990 --> 00:31:25,626 Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell, 804 00:31:25,726 --> 00:31:28,162 Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers, 805 00:31:28,262 --> 00:31:30,831 Paul Scheer, Pete Schultz, 806 00:31:30,932 --> 00:31:33,401 Brooke Shields, Brent Spiner, 807 00:31:33,467 --> 00:31:35,803 Kenan Thompson, Alan Tudyk, 808 00:31:35,903 --> 00:31:39,340 Bradley Whitford, Melissa Villaseñor, 809 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:42,076 Eli Brueggemann, Doug Bossi, 810 00:31:42,143 --> 00:31:44,946 Ronjini Brown, Chris Gibney, 811 00:31:45,012 --> 00:31:47,481 Julie Larson, Erica Phillips, 812 00:31:47,581 --> 00:31:50,084 Rosie Phillips, Tony Phillips, 813 00:31:50,151 --> 00:31:52,520 Zoey Phillips, Deirdre Quinn, 814 00:31:52,620 --> 00:31:54,188 Robbie Wyckoff. 815 00:31:54,288 --> 00:31:58,292 Executive producers, John Berg, Angela Petrella. 816 00:31:58,359 --> 00:32:00,695 Produced by Dennis McNicholas. 817 00:32:00,795 --> 00:32:02,964 Executives in charge of production, 818 00:32:03,030 --> 00:32:05,700 Shaleen Desai, Peter Girardi. 819 00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:07,702 Producer, Tyler Dorson. 820 00:32:07,802 --> 00:32:10,271 Production services by Cast Media. 821 00:32:10,338 --> 00:32:12,206 Producer, Colin Thompson. 822 00:32:12,306 --> 00:32:14,942 Coordinating producer, DJ Lubel. 823 00:32:15,009 --> 00:32:17,044 Music by Doug Bossi. 824 00:32:17,144 --> 00:32:19,347 Sound recording, design, and mixing 825 00:32:19,447 --> 00:32:20,881 by Big Yellow Duck. 826 00:32:20,982 --> 00:32:23,551 Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing, 827 00:32:23,651 --> 00:32:26,220 and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney. 828 00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:28,823 Dialogue editing and additional post-production 829 00:32:28,889 --> 00:32:30,391 by Julie Larson. 830 00:32:30,491 --> 00:32:33,627 Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips. 831 00:32:33,694 --> 00:32:35,396 The characters and events depicted 832 00:32:35,496 --> 00:32:37,198 in this podcast are fictional. 833 00:32:37,298 --> 00:32:39,700 Any similarity to any actual person, 834 00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:42,536 living or dead, or to any actual events, 835 00:32:42,636 --> 00:32:46,073 firms, places, and institutions or other entities 836 00:32:46,173 --> 00:32:48,342 is coincidental and unintentional. 837 00:32:48,409 --> 00:32:50,511 This podcast is protected under the laws 838 00:32:50,578 --> 00:32:52,913 of the United States and other countries, 839 00:32:53,014 --> 00:32:54,682 and its unauthorized duplication, 840 00:32:54,749 --> 00:32:56,517 distribution, or exhibition 841 00:32:56,584 --> 00:33:00,021 may result in civil liability and criminal prosecution. 842 00:33:00,087 --> 00:33:03,190 Country of first publication, United States of America. 843 00:33:03,257 --> 00:33:05,359 "Batman: the Audio Adventures," 844 00:33:05,426 --> 00:33:06,861 copyright 2022, 845 00:33:06,927 --> 00:33:08,763 Warner Brothers Entertainment Incorporated. 846 00:33:08,863 --> 00:33:11,399 Batman and all related characters and elements 847 00:33:11,499 --> 00:33:13,934 are trademark and copyright DC. 848 00:33:14,035 --> 00:33:15,569 All rights reserved. 849 00:33:15,669 --> 00:33:18,572 [jazz music] 850 00:33:18,672 --> 00:33:20,174 ♪ ♪