Testing Track A.
Start March 4th, 2:02 p.m.
This recording is a private and confidential document
in accordance with the code of medical ethics
of the city of Gotham.
Patient file Dent, comma Harvey--
And associate.
Uh, introductory psychoanalytic examinations,
attending physician, Dr. Jonathan Crane.
This is session number two.
File note, there is no surviving record
of session one in this series.
Do you wanna tell me why you destroyed
the tape machine in our first session, Harvey?
- This is our first session, Doc--session two.
Yes, now we can begin.
- I see. - I'm sorry it had
to come to that, Dr. Crane.
But "Tea for Two"
always means one for the pot.
Hmm, tell me more about that.
- Oh, God, it takes two to tango, Doc.
A fly's got two wings, right?
'Cause y--
'Cause you see, if you pull one of the wings off,
- the fly just goes in circles. - Hmm, I see.
- What he's saying, Dr. Crane, is that we can't
afford to go in circles today, okay?
We need to make progress. We--we know we need your help.
- Mm-hmm, you know, the best way for me
to help you is to establish a bond of trust between us.
Sure, sure.
Hear, hear. Trust is paramount.
- Fabulous, then hand over your coin, please.
Sorry, Doc. Fat chance.
- Oh, I think there's at least a 50/50 chance,
because it's not up to you.
Isn't that right?
That's dirty pool, Doc.
Better ask the coin.
...the coin.
Coin says yes.
We--we don't argue with the coin.
- Thank you.
Don't worry, I'll just place it right here on the table.
- Fine, fine! - Now then, session two.
We meet again for the very first time.
So why don't you introduce yourselves?
My name is Harvey Dent--
And I'm the senior partner.
Oh, senior partner?
But Harvey was here first, wasn't he?
Wrong. Wrong.
I was here first.
He was. He's always been here.
I'm Harvey's blood.
Do you get it? You know, the sticky red stuff.
Before college boy learned his own name,
I was what he knew.
Listen, I'm all you need to know.
He's what we all are, Doctor,
before the civilizing influences.
Ah, civilize this, short pants.
Fascinating.
It's a very, very interesting story.
But I heard a different one. It's a horror story.
It takes place in a courtroom-- stars you, Harvey,
a jet of pressurized acid and a hideous disfigurement.
- Best day of our life. - Is that so?
- That day set me free, like it was in the beginning.
- I don't think the acid set you free.
I think it found you in your hiding place.
- What? - I think you were hiding,
because you were afraid.
I think you're still afraid--
afraid of what you would do without Harvey.
Hah! Like fun.
- Do you ever wonder what if that acid had taken
more than half of your face that terrible day?
What then?
What if when the acid had done its business,
there wasn't enough Harvey left to do the serious work?
- Hah! Oh, it never crossed our mind.
- You won't let it, because it frightens you,
doesn't it? The thought of being alone.
Let's try something. Bear with me.
Guess what I have here in this jug.
Oof! What fumes.
Let's just pour a splash or two into the glass.
- Wh--what is that? What are you doing?
- It's a 97% solution of muriatic acid, Harvey.
I believe that's your brand.
- What--what are you gonna do with that?
- What are you afraid I'm gonna do with it, hmm?
Tell me as I wave it around carelessly--oops!
As the vapors burn your nostrils,
tell me about the fear.
Fear?
You couldn't be more wrong, Doc.
You think we got some deep trauma
about what happened that day?
We're twice the man we were before.
What we became isn't some broken thing to be fixed.
It's something to be cleaned and oiled and reloaded.
So sorry, Doc. Your acid doesn't scare us.
It made us.
You wanna finish the job on our face?
We dare ya.
Your face?
I am sorry. You misunderstand.
I don't think you fear for your face.
I think you fear for the other handicap
- you acquired that day. - What?
- And that all it would take to reduce you to a puddle
of quivering terror would be for me to take your coin
off the table like this.
- And... - Wait, wait, wait,
what are you--
Oops! Into the drink.
Oh, my.
Look at it dissolve.
That's muriatic acid for you.
- What did you--
- It's called aggressive intervention.
And why don't we stop there for this session?
Good progress. I think we had a breakthrough.
What did you do?
Gotham, a dark syrup pouring slowly
from cut crystal.
Join us once again for a tale of life and death
in Gotham City, March the third.
As Penguin's grip on the police department tightens,
Two-Face's grip on sanity weakens,
and his fiendish physician delights at the spectacle.
Yes, the celebrated
Dr. Jonathan Crane, psychiatrist,
is also the diabolical drug pusher
known as the Scarecrow, a secret he keeps safe
from all of Gotham City.
But when the world's greatest detective is on the case,
it is only a matter of time
before all secrets are revealed.
- The Harlequin, theater's most beloved star-crossed
lover and magical fool.
The words from the museum ricochet around
in the addled noodle of Harley Quinn.
- The Harlequin plays the most crucial role
in the traditional pantomime show.
Crucial, that's the word for what she's feeling.
It's crucial she become what the Joker wants her to be.
- For Harlequin alone has the power
to magically transform dreary melodrama
into madcap comedy.
What is life without her beloved
but a dreary melodrama?
It's up to her to bring the laughs,
and that all depends on finding a magic bat.
Yes, when the going gets tough, the weird go shopping.
Her search has brought her to that famous coast
of holiday pageantry, Gacey's Department Store.
She waits fitfully through her last moments of her journey
in the crowded confines of a caged elevator.
Fifth floor.
- Hey, spread out, spinach chin.
You're in my no-fly zone.
- Cutlery, garden tools, firearms, sporting goods.
Hey, that's me.
One side, lady, one side.
Hey, nice hat, by the way.
Harley's new costume is a vision.
All that remains is to accessorize.
Not content to be mere hot stuff,
she figures she's one magic baseball bat away
from being a knockout.
You, bow tie.
She makes a killer beeline
for the sporting goods counter.
I need a baseball bat.
I've been all over town looking for a big bat
with that magic feeling.
Should've come to us first.
We have the best selection in Gotham.
- Baseball fan? - Pally, right now, I'm living
to hear the crack of that bat.
- So a real fanatic then? - At least!
I'm a fanatic, a nut, a maniac, a psycho, and a fiend.
You don't say?
- Ah, they should put me in a rubber room
before I hurt someone.
Hey, hand me that big bat there, would ya?
- Sure thing. There you go.
Try it out. Take a few swings.
- Whoa, careful there. You see the game last night?
Heard the score on the radio.
Sounds like good ol' Swat Fleischacker
kept it goin'. What a hittin' streak, right?
- He's legendary. And he crushed the first pitch
he saw for a double off the wall.
Couldn't have been more than three feet from a homer.
Then two more hits off the bullpen!
That bat of his is magic.
Heard he drilled something like 100 foul balls
right into the cheap seats,
and he didn't brain a single fan.
No, he did,
but she was old and barely left the convent anymore.
- Another nun. What are the odds?
- How high is the body count now? - This season, eight.
Well, I heard the Gaslamps mascot recently succumbed
to his injuries, so eight with an asterisk.
- Poor Lampy. But let's be honest.
A head that size is an awful big target.
Oh, sure.
And anyhow, on a 53-game streak,
you're bound to have a few accidents.
- Whoa, wow! Easy there.
- Seven more hits for the league record now.
That slim Jim is sluggin' to beat 60, literally.
- Careful there. You, uh--
- This bat ain't working for me.
- No? Now, what is it you're looking for, exactly?
- Bat--big bat that can turn a dog into a pile of sausages.
- Oh, a real piece of timber, huh?
Well, this black ash is a beauty.
Let me see that.
- Here you go--
Whoa, ha! You got quite a swing.
Maybe take a little step back there.
You nearly cleaned my clock.
Anyhoo, how 'bout that Toots Tully?
- Oh, love Toots. Toots on a roll.
- Who knew a rookie could be such a corker?
A rookie with a glass eye to boot, huh?
- Glass eye, steel plate in his head,
and a crippling fear of children and the elderly,
and still hits .340-something in AA.
- Yeah, that man's overcome so much.
But Landry won't play him
'cause he's so in love with Hobgood.
- Is this pine? - White birch.
- And which one is more bone-crushing?
Uh, try the pine?
Look out!
I don't even know what
Hobgood's doing in there against lefties.
Well, that's on Landry.
- I mean, how hard is it to fill out a lineup?
You do it every day and somehow it's always wrong.
- Must take lessons from the weatherman.
- I'm just a bum with a sack of peanuts.
Even I know we shoulda never signed Hobgood.
There's a reason you don't see a lot of 300-pound infielders.
- You likin' the feel of that one?
It's pretty good.
This is a big honkin' bat, ain't it?
Feel like I could smash this entire store with it.
- Uh, yeah.
You absolutely could. Is this for softball?
- No, this is for smashing the entire store with it.
Yeah, but none of these are right.
These are good, but I need turn-dog-into-sausages good,
like Swat Fleischacker has.
I need that kind of boy howdy.
Eh, maybe I should just get ahold of his bat.
- What, you're talking about Sluggerella?
That bat is one of a kind.
He's never been to the plate with any other bat.
You'd have to cave in his head with it before he'd let it go,
- I guess. - Well, thank you.
That's really helpful. So where can I find him?
- Find who, Swat Fleischacker?
The Lamps are out of town till the weekend.
- Fantastic, then I got plenty of time to rescue Santy Claus.
- Wait, what? - I figure as long as I'm here
at Gacey's, I might as well rescue Santy Claus.
You can either bring him out peaceful
or we do the other way.
- Santy Claus? But why?
- It's March. - Don't you play dumb with me.
Everybody knows Gacey's department store
has got Santy Claus for the kiddies every Christmas,
and everyone knows he's held here against his will.
Against his will?
- Just show me where you keep him locked up
when it ain't Christmas time, pally.
I just need proof of life here.
If Santy tells me everything's good,
I got no beef. I go in peace.
But if you don't make with the jolly old elf pronto...
Somebody's taking a long
- winter's nap. - Security!
Harley Quinn is one step away from her becoming.
Next begins the courtship of the Clown Prince of Crime,
a love story plucked from betwixt life and death
in Gotham City.
- Welcome to the Monarch Theater.
To ensure the enjoyment of all patrons,
we ask that you please refrain from smoking
as soon as it becomes hard to see the screen.
Now sit back and enjoy the show.
Who knows what evil dwells
in the heart of the dark of the city?
One lone defender of the night--
Look!
In the shadows--
on the rooftops!
It's a specter. It's a shade.
It's a phantom. It's an apparition.
It's a good thing I bought this thesaurus.
It's Bat-Mite!
Argus Studios Consolidated Cartoons presents Bat-Mite in
"Bedtime for Baby Doll."
- I saw the Mite Light in the sky, Commissioner Gorgon.
What foul plot threatens the city, eh?
- Ah, finally, Bat-Mite. Now, see here.
I'm going out for the evening, and I'm leaving you in charge.
Yes, sir, Commissioner.
I stand ready to dispense cold justice.
- Good to hear it, 'cause I need the dishes washed,
the dog walked, the cat put out,
the squad car scrubbed, and most of all,
I need you to make sure Baby Doll
doesn't stay up past her bedtime.
- Oh, d'aww, do you mean this adorable tyke, Commissioner?
- Oh, ain't she a peach? Well, that's no trouble at all.
It better not be.
I've got my eye on you, Bat-Mite.
- Don't worry about a thing, Commissioner.
Leave it to--
- Me...
hey, uh-oh.
Baby Doll, take off those roller skates--
- This instant.
You're making me very vengeful!
Ah, no, Baby Doll,
not the construction site.
- 'Scuse me, sir. I mean, come on.
You don't have the theater to yourself.
- Can you maybe just, uh,
not laugh like a maniac?
I mean, God sakes, you sound like the J--
Sounds like who now, Jackson?
- Um, mister, I'm s-- I didn't mean to--
I didn't realize--
Ooh, it's good to laugh again.
Gotham, there's a light
at the end of the tunnel.
Unfortunately, it's a raging track fire.
Join us once again for a tale of life and death
in Gotham City.
The Gotham Metropolitan Subway System is hundreds of miles
of winding darkness beneath the great city.
Nearly a century of piecemeal expansion
has left a labyrinthine legacy
of sealed tunnels, unfinished excavations,
and abandoned subterranean stations.
In one such long forgotten station,
deep under the narrows,
the ace reporter for the "Gotham Gazette"
is just admitting defeat.
Well, this was a bust.
Vicki Vale is tenacious,
incisive, persistent, courageous, and driven.
But she is not proud.
She rolled the dice on a long shot,
and it has not panned out.
- 2:18 a.m.
Still no sign of him. Am I surprised?
This was a stupid idea, and it just gets stupider
the longer I sit here waiting
on an abandoned subway platform.
- If you're waiting for the uptown, Ms. Vale,
I have to agree.
The last train came through
about 60 years ago.
- I don't believe it. You got the message.
You actually showed up.
- You're a rigorous reporter, Ms. Vale.
- Thank you? - So I took notice
when your reporting in the morning gazette included
an interview with a Gotham transit official
who has been dead for half a century.
- You know your transit officials.
- I know the late Winston Munson was obsessed
with this subway station and the persistent bat infestation
that closed it decades ago.
Once you had my attention,
it was short work to decode the meeting request
you'd hidden in the text.
Here I am.
I hope this is important.
- So now I know you're a local history buff,
and a very close reader of the "Gazette,"
don't you think you're revealing a bit about yourself?
- My eyes are everywhere in this city.
You can print that exclusive. Now, what's this about?
- It's JoyCure again. - JoyCure.
- The Joker toxin that ACE Chemicals
tried to repackage as an antidepressant.
- The JoyCure project is finished
thanks to your exposé in the "Gazette."
- Yes, and ACE Chemicals is discontinuing all products
derived from the Joker formulas they stole.
- Well, that's the good news. - It's more than good news.
You averted a catastrophe, Ms. Vale.
I analyzed a sample of JoyCure.
It was not remotely ready for human trials.
If that poison had hit the market,
we'd be overrun by giggling psychopaths within a week.
The city owes you a debt of gratitude.
- I'm not expecting to collect on that,
but maybe you can help me out with a loose end.
What loose end?
- When I was digging in on the JoyCure story,
one name kept coming up.
I didn't think much of it at the time,
but it's back on my radar screen.
- What name? - Dr. Jonathan Crane.
- Yes, I know who he is-- a psychiatrist of note.
He's one of Hugo Strange's acolytes.
- That's right, and he wasn't just a consultant
on the JoyCure project. He was an aggressive believer.
- His involvement is not surprising.
He wrote a well-regarded monograph about the Joker.
He has flashy credentials.
ACE Chemicals would benefit from a name like that
associated with the JoyCure project.
- Yes, he has quite the good name in his field.
That's why I found it strange
that he'd take an off-the-books job
working for a lowlife like the Penguin.
- Crane is working for the Penguin?
- I can think of only one reason
he'd risk his academic reputation by slumming it
with Oswald Cobblepot all of a sudden.
- A chance to practice psychiatry on Harvey Dent.
- Well, when you're a brilliant psychiatrist
looking for a challenge, that one's a double.
- I'll investigate. Thank you, Ms. Vale.
- This is getting out of my depth.
I'm a beat reporter. I don't fight supervillains.
- Hmm, just claim them as personal friends.
What? Come on.
You mean Catwoman?
She's no villain, and you know that.
- Arkham is full of miscreants that have caused this city
far less turmoil.
She's a source of indiscriminate chaos
in the underworld.
I know you're friendly with Catwoman.
If you have any influence over your friend,
I advise you to exert it.
She crossed a line with her stunt at the circus.
- So I should tell her you're unhappy?
She knows that.
You should tell her there's now a price on her head.
The word went out on the street tonight--"Bring in the cat."
The payout is $9 million, cash on the barrel head.
$9 million?
- It's the going rate for taking nine lives.
The Batman dissolves once more
into the darkness, leaving Vicki Vale standing alone
amidst the bats and the rats and the ruin.
In the end, will anything else be left behind?
Perhaps only the ruthless exchange of life and death
in Gotham City.
- What's up, Gotham insomniacs?
You are! And that means I am too.
This is the diabolical Dr. Dulcedone reminding you
that even in the dead of night, the lights are on
at WGBO in the Wee Hours Nut House.
It's a solid block of late night oldies
to keep the party swinging
long after the amateurs say good night.
Hey, if I'm gonna be up, you're gonna be up.
And I'm gonna be up because I don't sleep anymore!
That's right-- it's 26 days and counting
since I have known a moment's slumber.
Would you be able to sleep if you knew the Joker
had been in your apartment while you were gone?
I mean, what did he do in there?
Why does everything look so normal?
Is that the joke? That there is no joke?
I can't take it anymore.
If my landlord is listening,
consider - apartment 5 - G abandoned.
Keep all my belongings, Mrs. Fishbed.
I live here now in this radio booth,
where we're spinning classic swing and golden oldies
all night long in the Wee Hours Nut House.
Honestly, I don't know why I ever slept.
I feel wonderful.
Why does everything look so normal?
Life and death in Gotham City.
Epilogue.
- You're still very upset about your coin, aren't you?
I need the coin again.
Again, please.
- Don't you think you'd like to talk to me
a little more about it?
We don't know!
How are we supposed to know?
- I understand, Harvey. I understand.
Even the tiniest decision seems impossible to make now.
This must be a very scary time for you both.
So much uncertainty, so much fear.
But I have something here that can help turn that wretched
existential terror into something gorgeous--
meaningful--
a purpose.
It's a very special drug, Harvey.
- I'm a bit of an artist with chemistry,
but this stuff--oh, this stuff is the Sistine Ceiling.
Do you know that moment when someone is telling a joke,
and you suddenly get it?
Well, take a little of this,
and you'll start getting jokes nobody told.
That's right.
Let's roll up that sleeve for me, if you would.
Now, you're gonna feel a pinprick.
- Ooh! - There, now, Harvey, relax.
Let JoyCure put a smile in your brain.
Life and death in Gotham City--
to be continued...
The Audio Adventures,"
written and directed by Dennis McNicholas.
Batman created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger.
Based on characters from DC.
With performances by Jeffrey Wright,
Aristotle Athari, Ike Barinholtz,
Rosario Dawson, Steve Higgins,
Toby Huss, Gillian Jacobs,
John Leguizamo, Dennis McNicholas.
Tim Meadows, Seth Meyers,
Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell,
Katie Rich, Ben Rogers,
Paul Scheer, Pete Schultz,
Brooke Shields, Brent Spiner,
Kenan Thompson, Alan Tudyk,
Bradley Whitford, Melissa Villaseñor,
Eli Brueggemann, Doug Bossi,
Ronjini Brown, Chris Gibney,
Julie Larson, Erica Phillips,
Rosie Phillips, Tony Phillips,
Zoey Phillips, Deirdre Quinn,
Robbie Wyckoff.
Executive producers, John Berg, Angela Petrella.
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
Executives in charge of production,
Shaleen Desae, Peter Girardi.
Producer, Tyler Dorson.
Production services by Cast Media.
Producer, Colin Thompson.
Coordinating producer, DJ Lubel.
Music by Doug Bossi.
Sound recording, design, and mixing
by Big Yellow Duck.
Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing,
and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney.
Dialogue editing and additional post-production
by Julie Larson.
Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips.
The characters and events depicted
in this podcast are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person
living or dead or to any actual events,
firms, places, and institutions or other entities
is coincidental and unintentional.
This podcast is protected under the laws
of the United States and other countries,
and its unauthorized duplication,
distribution, or exhibition
may result in civil liability and criminal prosecution.
Country of first publication, United States of America.
The Audio Adventures,"
copyright 2022 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.
Batman and all related characters and elements
are trademark and copyright DC.
All rights reserved.