♪ upbeat music ♪
[phone alarm]
- I'm sorry if that woke you.
- Oh no, what time is it?
- Whoo! 7:30.
Oh, I wish I could stay in bed,
but I have like 30 cameos to shoot before work.
- Uh, the worst.
- Hey, last night was really fun.
- Really?
I don't know if you could tell
but that was my first time with a lesbian woman.
- Okay, you don't need to say both,
and I don't really use labels.
Oh. Okay.
Okay.
I'm glad you're so cool about this. So chill.
The last time I got busy with a coworker,
Reed, it got weird.
- Maybe because you used the term "got busy."
- What do people say now?
- Fucking?
- Oh yeah. I'm used to network television.
- Look, don't worry.
It's not weird.
We're friends.
- Friends?
I love that.
It's been so long since I've had a friend that was a woman.
My last one was technically my assistant,
but then she started charging my Amex.
Like I'm not gonna notice a charge for a Bowflex.
- Hey, if it's cool, I'm gonna hop in the shower.
- Okay. Yeah. No, totally. Um...
but, before you go in,
I'm just...
since it was my first time with a,
a lady,
did I do it right?
- Bree, you slayed.
That means you were great!
♪ If you're having girl problems ♪
♪ I feel bad for you, son ♪
♪ I got 99 problems and a bitch ain't one ♪
♪ slow-tempo country music ♪
- Oh, hello. - Hello!
- You're looking chipper.
- Oh, 'cause I feel chipper. - Oh, new.
Um, since I have you... - Mh-mm.
- About me calling you last night.
- Oh, do we have to do that?
- No, absolutely we do not. - Okay, good.
- I just, I just don't want you to get the wrong impression, okay.
I'm not harboring feelings for you.
I'm just missing Nora.
- No worries. I am good.
- So, you're Gatorade good?
- Yes. Yes, I am.
- 'Cause I just remember the only time you drank Gatorade
is after, you know, getting busy, so.
- Just say fucking.
- Yeah, uh--
I didn't realize that you were back out there.
- Well, Timberly and I went out to a hotspot last night.
It was really fun.
- You and Timberly. - Mh-mm.
- That's weird. - Why is it weird?
- Last week you tried to destroy her.
- I was being silly. We're good friends now.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go do 40 cameos.
- You know, another interesting thing about the Gatorade
is that--
♪
- Well, thank you again for meeting with me.
- Oh yeah, of course. I'm stoked.
None of the other executives ever wanted to meet with me before.
- Really? - Yeah.
I even invited them to my eighth birthday party.
- Aw. - Oh, it's okay.
They were probably just freaked out about having to wear bathing suits.
- How old were you
when you first started working? - Four.
I said "ouchie" in a Band-Aid commercial.
Pretty crazy working so young, huh?
- Actually, I started a little business when I was six.
- Oh, cool. Like a lemonade stand?
- I invented a glucose monitor for my diabetic cat,
which was subsequently purchased
by a pharmaceutical company.
- Awesome.
So we both started in the medical field.
- Yeah.
[Zack splutters]
So, besides Step Right Up,
do you have any other projects in development
that you're excited about?
- Actually, yes. Thank you for asking.
I'm currently developing a batting cage in my backyard.
[Elaine laughs awkwardly]
Boom!
[laughter continues]
- Uh... [bell rings]
- Ah, look at this. A donut with bacon.
Who do you think's gonna have a heart attack first,
me or my rabbi?
- Remember when they first put potato chips in a can?
- You know what? I am tempted though.
- That's actually a fonut.
It's gluten-free and the facon is made with beans.
- Okay. Why would you tell me that?
- Hey, Reed, I'm confused.
Does the Cody character live above the garage
or in the basement?
- Nobody knows. It's a whole thing.
- Ugh. - Oh, oh, Timberly.
- Yeah? - I heard that you and Bree went out last night.
- Sure did.
- May I just say, brava.
Bree's been having a rough go of it since the divorce.
- Oh, I know. I was like, girl,
you think you can't get it, but you can totally get it.
- Uh, yes. And I understand she got it.
- Uh, yeah. She got it.
- Ah, well, I'm very proud of her, you know?
Nice guy, I hope.
- Well.
- Not a nice guy?
- It wasn't a guy.
- Oh.
- Hm.
- [stammering] You?
- Hm. [Reed clears throat]
You two. You two?
Cool.
Cool. Cool.
Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.
- Did I just blow your mind, boomer?
- What, what?
No, girl. That don't phase me.
- Hm? DENNIS: Timberly?
- Yeah? - Mind if I steal you?
We're about to block the basement scene.
- Is that where Cody lives?
- Please don't ask me. I can't.
- I'm, uh, freaking out. - About what?
Never mind, I don't care.
- Last night I called Bree and she was
uncharacteristically dismissive.
- Again, I could not care less about this conversation.
- She was having sex with Timberly.
- Go on.
- Bree's into women now?
Which, you know, which is cool.
It's all good. It's good in the hood.
Ain't no thing.
- You really need to hang out with more Black people.
- That's fair. I'm just stunned.
This is so not like Bree.
- But it is very Timberly. - What do you mean?
- They used to call her "Sin-berly" on Fuck Buddy Mountain.
Men, women, that chick is up and down for anything.
- Wait, are you watching that stupid reality show?
- Well you can't imagine how badass these women are.
Like when Tawny crashed her snowmobile
and had to walk three miles in high heels and a teddy,
only to find Kim in bed with Brody,
who I knew was trouble.
- Guys, we're way behind.
And you know how cranky Jerry gets when he's not home by 2:00 PM.
- Okay. All right. JERRY: Okay. Let's go!
- Hey, don't tell anyone.
- We're on a TV set.
You think Bree scissoring Timberly isn't going to get around?
Just...
- Wait, wait. I'm confused. What is scissoring?
- It's when two women spread their legs,
a la scissors, and I don't wanna be crass,
but they rub their pussies together.
- Okay. - This from a woman who was
just showing us pictures of her grandson.
- You can't put me in a box. - Not for another year or so.
[all laughing] - Where were these jokes yesterday?
Instead of the 50 pitches on oat milk.
- For the record, scissoring is bullshit.
It is a fantasy of lesbian sex
that exists primarily in porn made for hetero men.
- Why do you have to ruin everything?
- Why am I having such a hard time picturing this scissors thing?
- The whole thing is quite simple, actually, okay?
You have two women, in this case are Bree and Timberly,
and they lie up on a bed or perhaps a beach towel
with their legs spread akimbo.
And then they gingerly press each other's loins together--
- Oh god, why does Alan get to say things like that,
but I get yelled at for ordering two soups?
- Yeah. Let's, let's get back to work.
- Yeah, yeah. But right after Alan tells the story about
the time he got the blowjob from Paul Lynde in his Hollywood square.
- Shut up. - It was the '70s.
I had taken a Quaalude.
- Oh my God, Paul Lynde is a daddy.
What was he like?
- The man had a jaw like a python.
- Okay. Let's just stop prying into each other's sex lives.
- That's half the reason I come to work.
How about you, two soups?
Who you bringing the clam chowder home to?
- Two soups. Is that my nickname now?
- Hannah looks uncomfortable. Let's talk about her.
- No, we're not gonna do that.
- You know what? Hannah's right.
Let's get serious. We got at least
three pages to cut out of this script.
And what do we use to cut things.
ALL: Scissors.
GORDON: Came up again naturally.
- Yep GORDON: I'll tell you a story.
Goldie Hawn, this is before she was famous.
SELMA: Ugh, not the Goldie Hawn story.
- I got all sorts of crazy stories.
One of my fellow jurors on 12 Angry Boys faked a seizure
so he could get to his sister's bowling party.
- Wow. People in Hollywood
are so much more dramatic than I'm used to.
In Silicon Valley, a coder is considered high maintenance
if they ask for a standing desk.
- [laughs] I want one.
I've only ever used a sitting desk.
- Well, this has been fun,
but I gotta get back to the office.
- You're not gonna come hang out on set before the run-through?
- No, I have to read an outline and try to get through these emails.
- Your job doesn't sound as fun as mine.
Have you ever seen any of the cool things on the lot?
Come on. I'm giving you a tour.
- No, no, no. I gotta get back to the office.
- But your phone's going on a tour. - Hey!
♪
- Oh, Whitney, come on. You're a member of the family now.
You can ask me for anything,
except for my red Valentino's.
I'm getting buried in those.
[chuckling]
- The only thing I want is to be your friend.
- Come here.
- Ooh. I'm liking in this scene today
way more than I did yesterday.
- A very nice tender moment.
Bygones are now bygones.
And we're out.
- Hey, so Jerry, would Bree's buried line
be funnier if I made a joke about wanting the Valentino's?
BREE: Ooh! - Bree got a laugh on it.
- I think she'd get a bigger one. Let's do it.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- Okay. Let's go again.
I don't give a shit.
- Did you see that?
Since when is Bree giving away jokes?
- It's just like what happened on Fuck Buddy Mountain.
- What are you talking about?
- There was this super sweet girl, Sarah R,
who you just couldn't help but love.
But Timberly saw her as a threat.
So, what does she do? She seduces her.
And Sarah R being the naive Iowa farm girl
let her guard down and then bam.
- Bam. What do you mean, bam?
- She gave Timberly her immunity thong.
- Her immunity thong? - Yeah.
And then the naked council sent her into sex-ile.
- Into sex-ile? - Yes.
- You don't think that's why Timberly had sex with Bree?
- I don't know, but I'm on the edge of my seat.
Oh, they're hugging again.
- And that's it, we're out.
Bye-bye. - See you, Jer.
- It was funnier, right?
- Much better. Funnier. - Oh, fantastic.
BREE: It's funny. - Mm-hm.
- Hi!
Should we keep pitching on the tag
or start to blue sky the next episode?
- Huh?
- You okay?
- Yeah. I, um...
There's all that sex talk in there,
and we were laughing, and then it hit me.
My dad doesn't know. - Doesn't know what?
He clearly knows a lot more about sex than Bob.
- No, he doesn't know about me.
You know, that... that I'm a lesbian.
- No one says lesbian anymore, Billie Jean King.
- Anyway, I just, I don't know.
I feel like I have to come out all over again.
And it's like I thought I was done with this shit.
I'm, you know, 30-ish years old.
- That ish is doing a lot of work.
- Hmm. At least my bones are strong
from having grown up drinking real fucking milk.
- I don't understand. Why didn't you just come out to him?
- It's not like he was around when I came out to my mom.
And I wasn't gonna knock on his door and be like,
"Happy Thanksgiving. Hope you're having fun
"with the family you left me for.
By the way, I like sex with women."
- Why don't you just do it now? Get it over with.
- You're right. You're right.
Thank you.
I don't why I'm so nervous about this.
Although, is it inappropriate to do at work?
- Oh, did you not just attend scissorfest?
- Right. BENNY: Yeah.
♪
- Hey, um, you busy?
- Huh? I got a hankering for something.
I don't know what it is, but something.
- Yeah. Yeah. Mind if I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.
- So today it occurred to me that you--
- Oh, my God. When was the last time anybody cleaned out this place?
Look at that, Sanka.
- [weak chuckle] Yeah. You know what?
Uh, never mind. Sorry.
- Hey, anybody know if Sanka expires?
Would old Sanka be stronger?
- Whoa.
- The costume shop.
♪ upbeat music ♪
There's so much awesome stuff in here.
- This is amazing.
- Oh, this is my favorite aisle.
Check it out.
This is the armor that Russell Crowe wore in "Gladiator."
- Really? - Maybe. Who knows.
Wanna try something on?
Here.
- As amazing as I'd look in a beekeeper outfit,
I think we should get back for run-through.
- We have plenty of time.
- No, I really do not feel comfortable...
That's pretty...
I feel ridiculous.
- Whoa.
You look amazing.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Do a British accent.
- Oh no, I do not do that.
- [British accent]: Don't be such a fish and chip, gov'nor.
- Uh...
[bad accent]: I'm off to have tea with a-- a queen?
- Okay. So we did that.
Now let's just go back to being Americans having fun.
- [laughs] Okay.
- I like your outfit...
but it needs something.
Ooh!
- Oh no. - And now... you're a fairy.
- Are you sure we're allowed to do this?
- Of course. - Okay.
You're a big-shot exec,
you can do whatever you want. WOMAN: Hey, who the fuck is in here?
- Run. - Oh.
♪
- That was so sick.
Ooh, come on, grab a bike.
- I can't go riding around the lot dressed like this.
- Sure you can. Everyone will think we're doing a show.
- Ah, okay.
But the bikes aren't ours.
- That's what's so great. They're all over the lot.
Anyone can take them.
ELAINE: I can't believe we're doing this.
ZACK: You got this. It's just like riding a bike.
- Where the hell is my bike?
Come on, man.
- Bree, we would like to talk to you about Timberly.
- What about Timberly?
- Well, we know that she is the one with whom
you had sex last night.
- I'm not giving you any details.
- That is not why we're here. - Although--
- We are here as friends.
First of all, if you are a lesbian,
we are here to support you.
- That's just wonderful. - I'm not a lesbian.
I'm sexually fluent.
- I think you mean fluid.
- I don't believe in labels.
- Clay...
can you please tell Bree about "Sin-berly"?
- What?
- It was episode eight of Fuck Buddy Mountain,
- "Cucks Versus Sluts." - "Cucks Versus Sluts."
- And Timberly's alliance was really falling apart.
- Falling apart, into shreds. - Oh, wait,
I should go back and tell you about
when the Conway sister showed up.
- No, no, no. The point is, ahem,
we suspect Timberly sees you as a threat,
and is using sex to neutralize you
like she did on the show.
- What are you talking about?
Honey, last week you sabotaged her
and now you're giving her your jokes.
- Timberly and I are friends.
- She is a reality star.
She didn't come here to make friends.
- My God, but it seemed so real.
Do you think that she was manipulating me this whole time?
- I don't know for sure,
but maybe some of those details would help.
- Get out.
- What is this place? - Come on. You're gonna love this.
♪ classical music ♪
- Wow, this is amazing. - Right?
♪
I've loved orchestras ever since I played a kid conductor.
- Mini Maestro.
You were great in that.
- You know, to prepare for that role, I watched a bunch of clips of Amadeus.
- Can I help you?
Oh, it's okay. I'm an actor.
You guys sound great. Keep going.
- You think I slept with you to somehow get ahead?
- That is what Clay and Reed said that you did on the reality show.
- Everything on that show was scripted.
The producers told us what to do. - Really?
- Bree! It's reality TV. It's all fake.
- I didn't know that.
They should put disclaimers on these shows
because this kind of mix-up must happen...
I sound like an idiot. - You really do.
I mean, do I seem like the type of person
that would ride around on a snowmobile topless?
- Sort of.
♪ upbeat music ♪
♪ We are young ♪
♪ We run green ♪
♪ Keep our teeth nice and clean ♪
♪ See our friends, see the sights ♪
♪ Feel alright ♪
♪ We wake up, we go out ♪
♪ Smoke a fag, put it out ♪
- [laughing] Okay. That was insane.
- Wanna see a giant spaceship? - Seriously, there's a giant spaceship?
- Elaine?
- Daniel. Hello.
- Having fun?
- Yes. No.
Zack was just showing me around the lot.
Zack Jackson, this is Daniel Silva, my boss.
- Ouchie. - Hello, Zack.
It's great having you back on the show.
- Great to be back, Dan the man.
- I'm so embarrassed right now.
I don't usually...
Obviously this is not how I typically dress.
I am so sorry.
- I'm just glad to see you out having a little fun.
You work so much,
you were starting to freak the whole team out.
- Oh. - I guess it's true.
Every time we cancel a show,
a junior executive gets their wings.
[light laughter]
- I can't believe that just happened.
- See, it's TV. Things always work out.
[Elaine laughs]
♪ Feel alright ♪
- Really, Bob? Sunscreen?
It's a 40-second walk to the stage.
- My father had a melanoma.
I can't risk it.
Janae, honey, can you get my neck?
[ I'm not touching your skin, Bob. I'd rather jerk off a hobo.
Oh my God, I'm spending way too much time with you people.
- Look, Alan, isn't that the stage where we shot Bosom Buddies?
- Yeah, that was a fun show, huh? - Yeah.
- Remember how we used to do coke in the writer's room?
What the hell happened to this business?
- You openly did cocaine at work?
- Oh yeah, we used to send the PA to pick it up.
I wonder whatever happened to him.
- I think he's running Columbia TriStar.
- So, how'd it go with your dad?
- I didn't tell him. Don't shame me.
- Honey, you are a fierce, grown-ass woman.
What the hell is happening?
- Why, why do I need to be the one that keeps sharing shit?
Huh? I don't have anything to prove.
I don't have to impress him.
Why do I have to come out?
He should be the one to come in.
- Okay. Now you're spiraling, boo.
- Oh my God. Stop lecturing me. You haven't come out to your dad.
- Okay. It's hardly the same thing.
Your dad's friend got a blowjob from Paul Lynde.
Back in our town, my dad tried to ban dancing.
♪
- Oh.
- And we're back.
- Woo-woo! That was awesome.
Oh, thanks for making my first actor meeting so easy.
- Same. First business meeting.
You're really fun.
- Did you just call me fun?
I don't think I've ever been called fun before.
- [British accent]: Well, you definitely are, milady.
- [bad accent]: Oh, why thank you, my lord.
[both laughing]
- Hey, that's my fucking bike.
- Oh, it's okay. I'm an actor.
- Nah, I'ma tase your ass.
BOTH: Sorry!
- Whatever happened to Bugles?
We used to have bowls of them.
- Hey. Hi, um--
- You old enough to remember Bugles?
- Yeah, you put them on like witch nails.
- Yes! Can we get some of those, please?
- Anyway, um...
Have you ever seen the movie Footloose?
- That the one with the girl dancing in the Catskills.
Hates Jerry Orbach?
- No, that's Dirty Dancing.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Never cared for that one.
A little too Jew-y.
- Okay. Just forget I brought that up.
That's not what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say--
- Okay, everyone, time for run-through.
- All right. Thank you, Dennis.
- Yeah. - This movie talk, can we,
do we have to do it now, or can wait till after?
- Just forget-- Forget it. Not important.
Forget it. - All right.
Carrot, got a carrot. - Okay.
Fuckin' Dennis.
♪
[indistinct chatter]
- Yes, we're still seeing that bullshit. - Hey!
Hey! - Are you two--
What, darling? - You made me look
like an idiot. - The fuck we do?
- You got in my head.
So, like an idiot, I go and I accuse Timberly
of all the things that you said that she did on her reality show.
And, guess what? Scripted!
- What? - Yeah.
Every major plot point.
- No way. - Yeah.
She brought out the outline
of the episode where she sleeps with Sarah R,
and then she showed me pictures of her at Sarah R's wedding.
- Shut the fuck up. - I will not.
- The honey trampoline? - That is fake.
- Timberly and the snowmobile?
- Fake. - Kim banging Brody?
- Fake. - The beaver hunt.
- Fake.
- I feel so manipulated.
- How do you think I feel? You idiots.
JERRY: Okay, here we go. And action.
- That's my cue.
Hey, Cody.
Hello, Whitney.
- Hey guys. Can I ask you a question?
- Sure, buddy. Shoot.
- My boss at work is really getting on my case,
and I'm not sure what to do.
- What's his name? - Janet.
CLAY: Ah.
- I was just trying to make sure no one was taking advantage of you.
- You can't do this shit anymore.
We're not a couple.
You're not my protector.
- You're right. I'm sorry.
It's, it's just hard for me to not care about you.
- I'm a different person than I was 15 years ago.
I've been through a lot.
And it's made me stronger.
And for the first time in my life,
I am taking care of myself without anyone's help,
even if it means that I fall on my face.
But I am not going to, because I am focused,
I am on top of things--
JERRY: Bree, you missed your cue.
- Shit. This is your fault.
I'm sorry, Jer! I'm sorry!
I didn't hear it.
I didn't hear you.
Should I back it up or should I just come out?
- What? - Do you want me to come out now?
- Just come out.
- Okay. Fine. I'm a lesbian.
I'm sorry. I'm a...
I should have said this earlier. And...
Look, I have no idea why this has been so hard for me to do,
because I spent my entire life not needing your approval,
and I still don't need your approval.
BENNY: Mm...
- But you're my... you're my parent.
So you should know.
And I want you to know.
- Honey.
I know.
- Wait, you do. - Yes.
I mean, ever since you were little.
I didn't know, but I knew.
Plus, dummy, when your film came out,
you went on all those interviews
called yourself a queer filmmaker.
- Wait, you read, like, the press and interviews?
- Yes.
What? I can't be proud from a distance?
BREE: Everyone!
I was also gay last night.
- Oh. BREE: That's right.
I'm a sexual fluid
and there is nothing wrong with that.
♪
♪ Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night ♪
♪ And the feeling's right ♪
♪ Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night ♪
- ♪ Oh, what a night ♪ - ♪ O h, what a night ♪
♪ Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night and the feeling's right ♪
♪ Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night, oh, what a night ♪
Huh!
- ♪ Girls, y'all got the one ♪ - ♪ One! ♪
♪ A night that's special everywhere ♪
♪ From New York to Hollywood ♪
♪ It's Ladies' Night ♪