♪ upbeat music ♪
- So pretty good- run through, I thought. - Yeah.
- Um, we just need a new line for Cody here.
- What you talking about? That got a great laugh.
- From you, the guy who wrote it.
- Yeah, that's true that was me. I forgot.
You know, they never talk about the perks of dementia. - Hmm.
- Ah, alright. So one of us needs to break the Josie Lawrence story.
The other needs to cover Clay's recording session.
Who does what?
- You can do the Clay thing.
Probably gonna be more fun.
- Ah, doesn't matter to me.
You seem to have a pretty good handle on that story though.
- So I'll do that and you do that.
- Okay. - All right.
I don't feel good about what I just did.
- What are you talking about?
Everybody laughs at their own jokes.
- No, I just kind of tricked Hannah
into covering the looping session with Clay.
He's like the Michael Jordan of being terrible at looping.
- You know, I've really gotten into voiceover work myself.
It's a great source of ancillary income.
- Really?
- "Ladies and gentlemen, watch your step,
and welcome to Raleigh Durham International Airport."
750 bucks.
- Get the fuck outta here. - No shit.
[door clanks]
- Dennis, I'm not proud of what I just did to Gordon.
- What did you do?
- What if Jake doesn't know-- - Knock, knock!
Hi everyone.
- Bree, hi.
Well, to what do we owe the pleasure?
- Oh, she didn't...?
Oh, this morning Hannah said that I could spend the afternoon
in the writer's room. Didn't she tell you?
- No. That's--
What do you know?
She did not mention that. No, she did not.
- Okay. I don't wanna interrupt.
I am just here to listen and learn so I will be very quiet.
[chair creaks] - Okay.
We're just working on story. - Fun.
- Ah, general idea, uh, is
Lawrence and Josie's favorite neighborhood restaurant
is losing its lease. - Okay.
Yes, and they hire a private chef,
but he shakes a lot.
So the food flies everywhere.
Now you go!
- I think they did that on The Muppets.
- That's not yes and...
- What if the private chef is making soup?
- Okay, she's my new favorite.
[giggles]
♪ theme music playing ♪
♪ ♪
- Uh, oh!
Oh, We got a baller on the premises.
- Yeah, I'm in a regular game with my boys.
- Nice. - Wait, do you play?
- Uh, you know actually, uh, I've been known to hoop it up.
You know, hit that tre. [laughs]
Slam it down with a 40!
Never actually slam dunked the ball but, uh, yeah, I do play.
- We're down a guy today. Do you want in?
- Uh, I was actually about to go to the gym,
but hell yeah, I'm in. [laughs]
- Dope. Game's at four.
I'll text you the address. You'll be on my team.
- Alright. [ball thumps]
- Or maybe we'll just pick teams when we get there.
- Yep.
♪ upbeat music ♪
- Okay, take seven.
[beep, beep, beep]
- I didn't know you guys were here.
I would've worn my pants.
- Ah, that was perfect.
Except you threw the word "my" in there.
- I know, I heard it as soon as I said it. - Yeah, all good,
Let's do it again. [beep, beep, beep]
- I knew you guys weren't here.
Ah, nope. Run it back. Sorry.
- Yeah. We're having fun. [beep]
- I didn't know you guys.
I wore all my pants, ah! [beep]
I didn't know guys wore pants. [beep]
I didn't know my pants were here, you guys.
Ah! ♪ light-hearted music ♪
I need water. - Yeah.
- Okay, still having fun?
- Okay, what the hell is going on?
- He's terrible at this.
Always has been.
I think it's some sort of mental block.
He's so complex.
- And does Gordon know this?
- Everyone knows it.
- Oh, well, I didn't, Dennis.
- Let's fucking do this. - You're the fucking man, Clay!
- Okay, here we go. [beep, beep, beep]
- I didn't know you guys.
Wait, no. I didn't know.
No, you guys.
Oh, shit, fuck, shit.
- Um, yeah. Clay, you, you can relax. Okay?
We got a lot of time and we only need a few lines.
- I could use a few lines.
- There's that darkness.
[Clay yells]
[marker squeaking]
- And then the whole entire neighborhood comes together
at the end to watch me sing Santa Baby.
- Yes, and I thought,
I thought you said Josie is stuck in the chimney.
- Well, this is after that.
You'll figure it out.
- Yeah, alright. Well,
it'll either be that or something else.
Probably something else. - Well, let's see
how could we get me from being stuck
in a chimney to singing a song?
- You're too skinny to get stuck in a chimney.
- I'm obsessed with you.
- Can I sit down? My arm is dead.
- Oh, how I envy your arm.
- Okay, I get it. I get it!
I will stop pitching Josie stories.
- Thank you. Great, okay.
So the restaurant.
- I like your bracelet. - It's from my grandkids.
- Oh. - No, wait.
That's a different one. - Oh.
- This was a gift from my third husband
when I caught him balls deep in his secretary.
- Selma, please. We have company.
- Pardon me. Balls deep in his assistant.
- No, I get it.
My soon-to-be ex-husband, the duke?
He also cheated with his assistant, which is gross
because she smelled like herring, no offense.
- No, sorry. It's the supplements I'm taking.
Yeah, a little advice.
Don't buy fish oil on eBay.
- You know what else? Um,
what if Josie has an affair with someone like,
I don't know, Chris Pine?
That would be funny.
- Maybe he could be a chimney sweep with a British accent.
- Okay, where have you been hiding, superstar?
- Um, chim-chimery, I like to rumpy-bumpy with Josie, I do.
[cast laughs] - What?
- I need to be liked, so sue me.
- Okay, you know what? Let's take a break.
I gotta go yell at Hannah
about something entirely different.
There's some macaroons in the kitchen, courtesy of the woman
from last week's episode who played mom number four.
♪ inspirational music playing ♪
♪
- What's up! - Aye, there he is.
You're on my team. - Ha, ha!
All right. - Whoo, whoo!
- Okay, Yep. Alright.
Good to not rehearse that.
ZACK: Hey, guys. This is Reed.
This is Yonatan, Daniel, Joshy.
That's big Moshe, Yosef, Uri, little Moshe, and Etan.
- Etan, got it. Very cool, very cool.
Zack, can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Um, this is your game.
But when you said "your boys,"
I didn't know you meant they were actual boys.
- Um, they're actually men.
Uri's the only one who hasn't been Bar Mitzvahed yet.
- Oh, God. Let me guess.
Uri is the one with the wheelie backpack.
- Yeah, he plays point guard.
- Listen, no offense,
but I don't think this is gonna be a fair fight.
- They're better than you think.
Daniel is 15 and he is already on varsity.
And that's not 'cause the school only has 40 kids.
- Zack, he's wearing khakis.
- That's how he balls, dude.
- I think I'm probably just gonna go.
- No, I already told them you'd play.
Listen, I am the worst player here.
I grew up on sets and I didn't have a lot of friends around.
These guys still really look up to me.
- Because you're a foot and a half taller than them?
- No, because I played the goy best friend
in the teen movie Sabbath Night Fever.
- Hey, what's the big holdup?
- You know what? I-I-I think I'm not gonna play.
It just feels a little mismatched.
- Oh, because we go to Yeshiva.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It has nothing to do with that at all.
It's just a size thing.
- That's what Goliath said about David.
- Please, you can't bail.
You're our 10th guy, man.
All right, we can't ball without a minyan.
♪
- Okay. All right, okay.
Here we go. Alright, let's do it.
- Let's play ball. PLAYER: Let's go!
♪ upbeat music ♪
- Here!
- Aw. - I'm sorry.
Sorry!
This is ridiculous.
- Okay, okay, Clay. Listen to me.
Listen, you're an incredible performer.
All right? You got this. This is nothing.
So just give it your best shot, Tiger.
Tiger, what the fuck?
[sighs]
[beep, beep, beep] Whew.
- I didn't know you guys were here.
I would've worn pants.
- Dah!
Beautiful, beautiful. - Ah!
- Killing it!
Okay, let's keep it going, one more.
Whenever you're ready.
[beep, beep, beep]
- Oh, can you make one without onions?
I have a date later.
- What? Look at this guy.
Okay, honestly, one more then we're done.
- Okay. - Uh-oh...
[beep, beep, beep]
- Wait! That's the realtor who railroaded me
on the "burley" deal. [groans]
- You know what?
This is not your fault. This is on us.
That's a crazy line and it's like we wrote it
forgetting the words had to be said out loud.
- Realtor who railroaded.
Realtor who railroaded.
- Perfect.
Great. [beep, beep, beep]
- Wait, that's the retour who railroaded me on the brewling--
Ah, fuck!
Shit on my dick and fuck my balls.
- Okay. Okay, okay. - Oh, my.
- Just don't, don't beat yourself up.
This is my fault. It's on me for leaving it in the script.
- Just say, "That's the realtor who railroaded me
on the brewery deal."
- Really, Axel?
I should just say it.
You know what?
I'm not gonna buy any of your daughter's Girl Scout cookies.
She's 16. It's weird you're still asking.
- Oh, Timberly.
- Hey, team. Did I get my time wrong?
- No, you're, you're perfect. You know what?
Let's do your line and Clay,
why don't you just chill out for 15 or 20 minutes?
- I need a break.
HANNA: Oh, okay.
Um, so in this episode, if you remember, you were bummed out
because you think you're not invited
to the family's Thanksgiving.
- I'm a little nervous.
I've never done this before.
- No!
I'm gonna kill my father. - Mh-mm.
- I'll just try one.
[beep, beep, beep]
I thought you guys cared about me
but now I have all these questions.
Who is my real family?
Who can I really count on?
And why isn't Jake wearing any pants?
I have been trying and trying to get closer to you guys,
and that's not so easy given how "whoa!" you all can be.
And after all this trying, what do I win?
Drum roll, please! That's right,
a Thanksgiving all alone with no one but me
and my purple parrots, Pearl and Piper.
[parrot squawking] You're a loser.
Thanks, Pearl. Could you pass the really wiggly Jell-O
[singing] or do I have to sing for my food?
- She's the one.
- Is that okay? - Oh yeah.
That was, that was, that was perfect.
[Clay groans] - Great!
Is this my next one?
- Wait, that's the realtor who railroaded me
on the brewery deal?
- No, no, that's Clay's.
- Your lucky yours are so short.
- Okay, that's going to get in my head.
♪ upbeat music ♪
- Bree? Really? - Oh, please.
You stuck me in there with The King's Speech.
- I'll give you a thousand dollars to switch places.
- You don't have to. - Done!
♪ upbeat music ♪
[grunts]
- That was a legal pick.
I- I can't help how much bigger I am.
So, you-- you okay?
Seems okay. Okay.
- Post me up!
Post me up!
- I'm so sorry that I can just pass the ball over you.
- Yes! - Maybe cover somebody else.
Maybe him.
- Get in his face, Reed.
- Okay. Honestly, I feel bad trying any harder than this.
PLAYER: Take a shot! There you go.
- Oh, is it Shabbos in here?
'Cause we just went lights out.
- See, on the Sabbath, Jewish people--
- Yeah, I got it. Zack, thank you.
- Get aggressive, sitcom.
You're playing like Niles Crane.
- From Frasier?
- Nah, this dude's straight-up Urkel.
- I'm sorry, what did you just say?
- You heard me, Urkel.
- Give me the damn rock.
♪ Jewish-style Sweet Georgia Brown playing ♪
Oh.
[imitating Urkel] Did I do that?
Guess sitcom got a few moves left, huh?
Oh, get that mess out of here.
That ain't kosher. What's wrong with you?
Oh no.
What's up?
Switch.
Bam! No.
♪ music continues ♪
Oh, wait a minute.
Oh, we talking about regular motion now.
Regular motion, regular-size motion, okay.
Go home!
Not over here.
Do not do that.
♪ music continues ♪
Okay.
All right, who's the chosen one now, y'all?
Ah!
- Okay, so catch me up.
- Well, someone had an idea. I think it was Janae.
- Oh, my God. She knows my name.
- That Josie and Chris Pine have an affair.
It was really funny.
- Yeah, no. Let's, let's get back to the story.
So I was thinking, what if it's their local indie bookstore
that's closing, 'cause it's getting bought out
by some sort of big franchise?
- I'm sorry. Did you say bookstore or book snore?
[everyone laughs]
- Uh, and Josie wants to lead a protest against it.
And she's trying to rally all the family members to join her.
- What if Jake really likes the franchise?
Like it's a Cinnabon or something?
- Right, yeah. - You know who's got two Cinnabons?
The Raleigh Durham International Airport.
- What if Josie's mad because no one in the family will help her.
- Uh-huh, okay.
Why wouldn't Lawrence help her?
- Because he's jealous of the sexual chemistry
between Josie and Chris Pine.
- Maybe Lawrence is hiding an embarrassing condition.
- Dare I ask, sir, what might that be?
- Oh Jesus. - Here we go.
- Let's see.
Gout, hemorrhoids, botched vasectomy, kidney stones,
nose bleeds, vertigo, acid reflux, flatulence, halitosis,
swelling of the perineum. - Look at him.
Two more and he's gonna come all over his Dockers.
- Are we missing an opportunity for Josie
to sing a protest song to the tune of Santa Baby?
- Why would it be to the tune of Santa Baby?
- Well, if it's a Christmas episode? - It's not.
- Gordon was kind of warming up to the idea.
- Um, okay, Bree,
we just have a shit-ton of work to do so I just need you
to listen and focus.
- I could also sing Big Spender-- - No, you're not gonna sing
and it's not a Christmas episode
and she's not fucking Chris Pine, okay?
So just stop.
- [softly] Oh.
Okay.
Sorry to bother you guys.
I'll go.
- Actors.
I miss the days I was the craziest one in this room.
- Hannah, let me take this one.
- Testicular torsion.
- You're still not the craziest person in the room.
- So I understand our little performance issue
has reared his ugly head again.
- I don't know what my problem is.
- Did Hannah put too much pressure on you?
- No, she was totally nice about it.
Which only made it worse. - All right. Well, you know what?
Let's try something different. Totally different approach.
Who's that coach, the horrible coach? That--
Bobby Knight. I'm gonna Bobby Knight your ass, all right?
But I'm gonna, I'm gonna really let you have it.
- That's good. That could work.
- Who the fuck asked you?
Come on. Let's do it.
- All right.
[beep, beep, beep]
- Wait, that's the real-tator
who railroaded me on the brewery deal.
- You just said "real-tator," dipshit.
That's not a word.
Okay, let's do it again.
[beep, beep, beep]
- Wait, that's the wealtor who railroad-- - No!
- Wait, that's the realtor who rail-rooted me on the--
- Okay, get your head outta your ass. Say it right.
[beep] - Wait, that's the ruminator who railroaded me on--
- Okay. Now you're just making shit up. [beep]
- Wait, that's the rail-raider who railroaded me.
- What the hell is wrong with you? - I'm sorry.
- You're sorry?
Sorry, I don't see the word "sorry" in the script.
I do see railroaded.
Railroaded.
Try saying that. It's not that hard.
I don't know why you actors keep wasting my fuckin' time.
You know what?
Half of that may have been about Bree.
- Game point. Next two points.
- Now where's that trash talk now, big man?
You scared?
- Why would I be scared of a slow, 60-year-old has-been
when just like on Yom Kippur, I fast.
- Where do you keep coming up with-- Oh!
Ah, ah, yeah.
This time Goliath wins, motherfuckers.
- Ah!
- Oh. - Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God. - Oh my god. I am so sorry.
- Ah. - Are you okay?
- Oh, oh, oh! - Oh, oh!
- I think I broke my nose.
REED: Uh-uh. - Call my mom.
Get my mommy! - Oh, please don't say mommy.
- Can someone call a doctor?
- I can call my dad. - My dad's a doctor.
- Yeah, I can call my mom or my dad. - My mom's an orthodontist
if that counts. - Okay, that anti-Semitic actor
just punched a kid in the face.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I am not anti-Semitic, okay?
I'm not anti-anybody.
That was clearly an accident.
- Well, I have the whole thing on video,
so let's just let the internet decide. - No!
Okay, you, you cannot let that video get out, okay?
Delete that, please.
- No, psycho. - You've gotta delete it.
You've gotta delete it. - Let go.
Let go! - Argh!
Okay, I'm just gonna delete this video
and then I'm giving your phone back, okay?
- This man just hate crimed that kid!
Then snatched my friend's phone and he's acting insane.
- Okay, I'm not acting insane, okay?
I just-- ladies, you know what?
First of all, no more phones.
You have to stop videotaping this.
This is how people get canceled.
- Good news. Uri's gonna make it.
But what's going on over here?
- Well, uh, these young ladies
have recorded the entire incident.
- Oh! - Hi Zack.
- Hi, we're big fans. - Big fans.
- Look, maybe there's something we can work out.
- Yeah.
♪ upbeat music ♪
- Okay, that's my number.
- So you promise.
Pick me up in a limo.
Pose for pictures. Stay for the whole prom.
- Minimum two Instagram posts. - Right.
Post and tag at least twice on Insta main grid.
No stories.
- Deal. I'd be happy to take you. - Sick.
Rachel's gonna be so jealous. Holy shit.
[Reed clears throat]
Okay, fine.
I'll delete it.
- Thank you.
- Oh, and from recently deleted.
You too, Rivka.
- Oh, my God. You're so smart. - That's a good call.
- You're gonna make it through, okay. - Oh, hey, again.
I'm sorry, I hope that heals soon.
- Don't worry about me, Golden Girls.
- How do they know these shows?
♪ upbeat music ♪
- Hold up, sweetie.
If I walk too fast, my uterus will fall out.
- You know, my stylist was gonna take me
to get free clothes today but I said no.
I'd rather be in the writer's room.
- Ugh, next time go for the free pants.
- I'm just trying to learn to do more things.
It used to be enough to just act
but now everyone from Reese Witherspoon
to Eva Longoria is a producer
and I'm trying to catch up.
And also maybe start to take some control over my life,
which is long overdue.
- That's a good reason.
- Well, clearly not everyone is thrilled
to have me in there. - So what?
When I first started back in the '70s,
I was the only woman in the room.
Just me and a bunch of chain-smoking neurotic chauvinists
who, by the way, also smelled like herring.
Some of them resented a woman being there.
But I love the work. So I said, "Fuck 'em."
And I out-pitched, out-joked every last one of 'em.
My point is, the writer's room, it's a sacred place.
If you wanna be accepted there,
you gotta cut the vanity shit.
Roll up your sleeves, pinch your nose,
and learn to be so goddamn funny
that everyone takes you seriously.
- Yeah, I know. I like this area.
I just, I wonder if we're losing a little bit of tension.
You know with the--
- I'm sorry about before and I'm ready to work,
if that's okay.
- It is. Take a seat.
So anyway, what I was thinking was what if--
- I'm a very good ballerina.
[groans] - Oh, God.
- There's nothing funny about that, I know,
because I'm so good at it but I was thinking,
it would be funny if someone was bad at it.
Like maybe Lawrence who maybe does it in secret
but he's so bad at it, he hurts his groin.
- How did I miss groin pull?
- Oh!
That actually really helps us because then he'd be too hurt
to march in the protest. but-- - Exactly,
but won't admit to anyone that he's a secret ballerina.
- Huh.
- Lawrence as a ballerina would be pretty funny.
- Yeah, I'm seeing tights.
I'm seeing ice packs on his junk.
- Or a frozen steak that Jake was saving for later.
- Even better. - Yeah, I like it. I do.
Benny, put it on the board. - Yeah.
HANNAH: Yeah.
- There you go. - I'm on the board.
- Wait a second. How about if, instead of a ballerina--
- It's on the board, Alan!
- Right, sorry.
[beep, beep, beep]
- Wait, that's the realtor who railroaded me
on the brewery bill.
- What the hell, I got it right.
- You said "bill." - Oh, goddamn it.
- Dennis, how many takes is that?
- Eighty-seven. - Eighty-seven takes.
Jesus Christ, Clay. I've known you 20 years.
It's never taken you this long.
I mean you always sucked at it, but I don't know.
Is it possible somehow you've gotten even worse?
- Well, I used to drink to get through this
and now I can't even do that anymore.
- Okay.
Let's try something totally different. Come here.
- What are you doing? - I'm gonna give you a hug.
- You're hugging me. - I'm hugging you.
Don't fight it. Come on.
Just go with it. - Are we all hugging Clay?
Is that what we're doing? - No.
Okay.
All right?
Now, whenever you're ready.
- Okay.
[beep, beep, beep]
Wait. That's the realtor who railroaded me on the brewery deal.
- All right.
Look how easy that was. - Wait.
I know you gotta get back to the room,
but maybe just a little longer.
- Sure.
I got all the time in the world, buddy.
All the time in the world.
Hey, smart ass.
I just got a perfect take outta Clay.
- Well, great. I got a good story idea outta Brie.
- Really? Well, look at us.
- Where are you going?
Going home but I gotta stop in my office. Forgot my phone.
- Uh, Bree's waiting for you in there.
Now she wants to direct.
- Ooh!
Not calling anybody tonight anyway.
- Yeah.
♪ There's no business like show business ♪
♪ Like no business I know ♪
♪ Everything about it is appealing ♪
♪ Everything that traffic will allow ♪
♪ Nowhere could you get that happy feeling ♪
♪ When you are stealing that extra bow ♪
♪ There's no people like show people ♪
♪ They smile when they are low ♪
♪ Yesterday they told you you would not go far... ♪