♪ upbeat music playing ♪
- What's the difference between a croque madame and a croque monsieur?
- It's actually the exact same sandwich.
The croque madame has an egg on the top of it.
- So the female version of the sandwich has an egg.
That's really reductive. - What do you want it to have?
Lipstick and a push-up bra? [all laugh]
- Can I get a black-and-white cookie, or is that gonna start a thing?
[knock on door] ELAINE: Excuse me.
HANNAH: Hi, Elaine.
- Oh, network executive on the floor.
- Hannah, Gordon, can I talk to you two?
In private?
- Ooh.
- Damn it, we're getting canceled.
- Nobody's getting canceled.
- Famous last words.
- Now I have to go to Puerto Vallarta with my wife.
Two things I love, skin cancer and diarrhea.
- Nothing for me, please.
- There's been a bloodless coup.
- What? - At Hulu.
Remember my boss Daniel Silva?
The one who promoted me from research and greenlit the show?
He got fired late last night.
- Oh, shit.
- They already brought in a new guy who's cleaning house,
heads are rolling left and right.
I don't want to go back to Silicon Valley.
I'm too little to micro-dose.
For me, it's just dosing. - This is not good.
The new regime always wants the old one's stuff to fail.
On my film Cunt Saw, a new boss came in
and he cut our release in half, down to two theaters.
- I won't be able to tell my family if I get fired.
I spent all Thanksgiving bragging about my Disneyland discount.
- We get a Disneyland discount? - Not for long.
- Okay, okay, everybody relax.
You know, on the original run of our show,
we had four different network presidents
over like eight years.
You could set your watch by it.
So, trust me. We got nothing to worry about.
- Okay, okay, good to know.
- Yeah, that is a huge relief.
- So, who's the new guy?
- Um, his name is Tyler Griffin.
- Uh-oh.
♪
- So, Bree, what it's like going from being a duchess
halfway across the world back to your old show?
- So fun!
I love this show more than anything in the world.
And, yes, I will always cherish my time in Fjordstad,
but being a royal was never really me.
You know, I'm a mid-western girl with small-town values.
Do you mind moving?
You're staring and it's distracting me.
- Speaking of royalty, how do you feel about
the developments with your ex-husband, the duke?
- Well, that depends on which developments
you're talking about.
There have been so many lately.
- That he's getting married to his former assistant?
- Yes, she is lovely
and I'm so thrilled
that he will no longer be so sad and lonely
since I left.
- And, of course, that she's pregnant with his baby.
- Yeah.
How about that? I couldn't be happier for them.
And I've moved on, too. Reed Sterling and I, we're back together
and nobody knows this, but we're madly in love again.
And we're even talking about having children ourselves.
- [gasps] That's unbelievable!
- I know. [squeals]
♪ upbeat music ♪
- Why do you hate him so much after all these years?
- Tyler Griffin is the reason the show ended.
He's just, he's a no-talent,
self-serving, back-stabbing liar
who failed upwards.
He's the kind of guy he's like all smiles to your face
while he's sticking his foot up your ass.
- You know, that's a thing.
- He changed our time slot four times
in one season, four times.
Our own fans couldn't even find the show.
Then he has the gall to tell the press
that we, quote, "under performed."
How's that? Under performed.
The word still frosts my balls.
So, I told the press what actually happened
and that apparently didn't sit well with him and he got really annoyed
and canceled the show.
- I thought the show ended 'cause Reed left.
- No, Reed never would've left if we weren't circling the drain.
- To be fair, Griffin may also resent
the fact that you fucked his wife. - Also that, yeah, yeah.
- Wait, you actually slept with his wife? - For revenge.
I got the idea from Tin Men. - Great movie.
- Danny DeVito smashes Richard Dreyfuss' Cadillac,
so Richard Dreyfuss seduces DeVito's wife.
- I had the idea for that movie.
I was gonna write it over a hiatus,
but it turned out I never had the time because we went too long on ALF.
- Didn't you also claim you had the idea for Tootsie?
- And Caddyshack.
I have quite an impressive list of films I almost wrote.
- Okay, I'm sorry, can get back to the important point
of you fucking his wife?
- Hey, before you get on your holy high judgy horse,
let me point out that this was during a very brief period
where your stepmom and I had an open relationship.
Not open, but it was ajar.
- Ew. Oh, my God.
I mean, this is bad. You understand how bad this is.
= Seriously, are we gonna get canceled?
I just bought a mattress.
- If we do, Alan can finally write Casablanca.
- I have a funny story about that. HANNAH: Okay, I can't believe
we're finally in a groove here
and now it's gonna end because you felt the need
to stab someone in the back with your dick.
- Also a thing.
- Stop. GORDON: Relax.
He never even found out about me and his wife.
And, trust me, this prick has so many people
in town who hate him
that I'm not even a blip on his radar.
- Excuse me?
- Yes, Elaine?
- Hannah, Gordon, can I talk to you two in private again?
- Here we go. Adios, amigos.
- Hey, you know what. Everybody knows everything.
Just tell us.
- Mr. Griffin wants to meet with you and Hannah right away.
- I'll cut you a check for the mattress.
Anything under a queen.
I didn't mean you.
- I'm usually on top. GORDON: Fine.
♪ upbeat music ♪
- Clay?
Clay?
- What?
- Oh, man, you scared me.
I thought you were dead.
- Even worse. I've been domesticated.
- I don't get it. - I'm buying a fucking house.
I'm supposed to sign the papers today.
- Wait, your first house? - Yeah, I'm trying to stay sober
so I gotta move away from all the drunks
and drug addicts in my building.
Ugh. What if I say something stupid and get canceled
and can't afford to pay the mortgage?
And do I even wanna be that fucking guy with the yard and bushes?
Aw, shit.
Am I gonna be the old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn?
I used to do coke in bathroom stalls
and now I'll have a powder room.
- Dude, it's normal to be nervous when you buy your first house.
Imagine how scared I was. I was 14.
- You bought a house at 14?
- Yep. Then almost every time I made a movie,
I bought another one.
I have six now and I rent out five
through my Zack Attack Real Estate Holdings, LLC.
It's a sick deal.
Appreciation, passive income, tax advantages.
- How do you know all this?
- I starred in the movie Little Slum Lord.
The character was complex 'cause he was mean,
but he also adopted a puppy.
Trust me, Clay. Buying a house is lit.
If you want, I can go with you to Bed, Bath & Beyond
and get all the stuff you need.
- Zack, listen up.
If I ever go to Bed, Bath & Beyond,
bludgeon me to death with a pizza stone.
♪ playful dramatic music ♪
[deep sigh]
- Hey, you okay?
- I just found out in an interview
that my ex-husband is having a baby.
- Oh, no. - I wanted kids, but he didn't
because he already had these gross, stupid teenagers
from his first marriage.
I would have been such a good mom.
- Yeah, maybe.
- Unlike my mom, I would never tell my daughter
her eyes were too close together, even if they were.
I'd protect her self-esteem
and tell her she was getting her tonsils out
and then secretly, I'd fix her.
- Or maybe no kids.
Yeah, no, there's nothing wrong with that.
So, how did you handle it on camera?
- Like a pro.
I said I was happy for him
because Reed and I were back together
and we were maybe gonna have a baby, too.
- You and Reed are back together? - No.
- Honey, he has a girlfriend and his interview's up next.
- I know. - Yeah, okay.
- One of us should warn him.
God, I'll do it. - Good.
- Where is the--? - That way.
♪
- Reed!
Reed!
I need to talk to you, it's urgent.
Okay, I-
- Hello.
- I, I'm Nora, Reed's--
- Yeah, no, it's really nice to meet you. - You, too.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
So, great to finally see all this.
- Ha! - Yeah, yeah, I'm--
Reed, Reed thinks I'm in New York, so I'm surprising him.
- That is a surprise. - Yeah.
- Um...
- Nora! - Surprise.
- All right. - Uh, what... I can't believe this.
Um, hey.
- Hi, hi. - Hey.
Um, when did you, what, how did you two, uh--
- We just--
Oh, we just, no, no, just now, we just-- - Uh-huh.
- Because she came in with something urgent
you wanted to tell him or?
- It was nothing.
- Oh, oh, okay.
So how did it go from urgent running in to nothing?
- Because it was a Wordle thing.
I couldn't figure out the Wordle
and then it just popped in my head
and now I'm not panicking.
It was so nice to meet you. You are so pretty
in a strong and self-confident way
and I love your blazer.
[door slams]
- What? Hey.
- No, okay, hold on, what was that?
- What was what?
- Is there something going on that I need to know about?
- Between me and Bree? No.
- Okay, 'cause she just came-- she didn't even knock
and she just came flying in
and we both know there's no way
she figured out the Wordle.
That one? [knock on door]
- Yeah? DENNIS: Reed, they're ready for you.
- Oh, God, I have an interview.
- It's fine, I'm fine. - I'm just--
- I can't do this right now anyway, so I'm gonna go back to your hotel.
I'm gonna rest. That's what I'm gonna do.
- Yeah, that's great. Just rest up, yeah. Take a bath.
The tub's big enough for two people.
I'm guessing.
Based on how alone I feel when I'm in it.
DENNIS: I hear a female voice.
Is Bree in there?
Bree, I have your purse.
- Okay. I'm gonna go.
[door opens, closes]
- Fuckin' Dennis.
- Right this way.
- Thank you, Marty.
It's great to be at the wheel again.
Just bring me some hits.
When? This weekend? That could definitely work.
You know we love Malibu.
Oh, you're in Oxnard.
Oh, yeah, oh, wait.
Oh, darn. We got a wedding.
Yep, well, let's do something soon.
All right, gotta go.
I get the top job and all of a sudden,
I got more agents up my ass than a hooker at upfronts.
So, I'm in my first staff meeting
this morning when I hear "Step Right Up" is back
and it's mine.
And I think this is my lucky day
'cause I get to reconnect with my old friend Gordan Gelman.
- Okay.
- You must be Hannah.
I've heard wonderful, wonderful things about you.
- Oh, um, thank you, that's, that's very nice of you to say.
- And I understand you made some kind of horror movie.
What-what was it called?
- Um, it's called Cunt Saw
and a lot of people think it's a horror movie,
but it's actually not. The title is a metaphor
for the struggle that women face in a male-dominated--
- Right. Let's, let's get right down to it.
- What, he asked.
- Yeah, all right, so, uh, just, why don't you say it?
We're canceled, right?
- Is that what you thought?
- No? - No.
[Hannah sighs]
I saw a cut of the new show
and I think it's really great.
- Oh. [laughs] - Especially compared to the original.
It's hipper, it's smarter, it's less old-timey sitcom.
Hannah, I have to assume that's you
because it's, it's like a different show.
- Um, well actually, it is more of a,
it's more of a collaboration.
TYLER: Here's the thing.
What do you think of that actress you just added, Timberly Fox?
- She, she's great.
We love her. - Oh, well, then this may hurt.
'Cause I'm gonna cast her as a lead in a new series.
We start shooting next week in Romania.
- Uh, wait, what?
- I'm taking your woman
even though you love her.
But I wanted to tell you face-to-face,
'cause I think it's the right thing to do.
- Hold up, um-- She's huge in the next three episodes.
We'd have to throw out all our scripts and start from scratch.
- Well, I imagine that'll be heartbreaking.
- But, you can't just take an actress from us.
We have a deal with her.
- No, actually, we have a deal with her.
But, believe me, I take no joy in this.
Speaking of no joy, I may need to make some cuts
in the promo and production budgets,
which we are all hoping will not lead
to the show's slow, painful, lingering death.
GORDON: Hmm.
- Gordon, old friend.
You seem pretty quiet. What do you think?
- You really wanna know? - I really do.
- Well, old friend-- - Dad, Dad.
- I think God doesn't give with both hands,
so when he made you handsome,
he figured, I can't give him brains, too,
so you charm people into thinking you're interesting
and you, you bully people into thinking you're smart,
but you're not.
You're not. You're, you're a stupid, pretty man.
And you know what?
You wouldn't know a good show if--
- If what?
If it slept with my wife? - Oh, boy.
- Okay, there it is.
Well, so you know, we were all drinking
at a William Morris party and she came on to me.
- Bullshit.
- Not bullshit. I remember it very clearly.
She leaned over and she whispered in my ear
that she wanted me because you under performed.
That was the word she used, under performed.
Let's, let's go, we don't need this asshole.
- Well, that was unfortunate.
- Uh, yeah, yeah.
- For the record, I would never allow that
decide the fate of "Step Right Up"
because that would be wrong.
But is it just me, or would you be better off without your dad?
- With all due respect, it's just you.
♪ whimsical music ♪
- Boom! [laughs]
- Gordon! Hey, Gordon.
- What?
- What the hell was that?
- That was the crowning achievement of my career in television.
- Oh, I see, you're proud of your grandiose monologue up there.
- I, I just wish I remembered exactly what I said.
I should have brought a writer's assistant.
You know, I'm gonna do that next time.
- Hey, you know what? There's not gonna be a next time,
if you don't go up there and apologize to him.
- The way I called back "under performed,"
that was a stroke of genius. I'm telling you.
Writers in this town are gonna be talking about this story for years.
It's gonna be like a new, "Who Jackie."
- What? - You don't know who--
In the original Roseanne, there was a writer--
- I truly don't care.
Hey, you seem to have forgotten
that over 100 people work on our show,
most of them with families.
So what you did up there may have been fun,
but you just jeopardized all their livelihoods.
So good job, Tin Man.
♪ dramatic music ♪
♪
- What's wrong? - I'm freaking out.
There's a new boss at Hulu who's firing tons of people.
I won't go back back to Deedle, I won't do it.
- Wait, slow down.
There's no way they're gonna fire you.
You are amazing at your job.
Who else would tell the writers to start the story earlier.
- It doesn't matter how good you are at your job.
When a new regime comes in, nobody is safe.
Executives, shows.
- Wait, you think shows aren't safe?
Do you think they'll cancel us?
- Anyway, nice running into you.
- Likewise.
Thank you for answering all of my business questions.
- Just performing the duties of my job.
The new guy has a bad history with Gordon.
They just had a meeting today and things only got worse.
- Oh, man. This sucks.
I love this show.
Hannah said in season two,
they were gonna figure out if Cody has a job.
And Clay!
I just convinced him to go through with buying a house.
I better go warn him.
- No! You cannot say anything to anyone,
especially not today when there's a reporter on set.
- But he's my friend.
- Zack, the only reason I told you this
was because I needed someone to talk to.
If I can't confide in you,
which dips below the previous ratings in woman 18 to 49.
- Well, I wish I didn't know that
because it puts me in a pretty awkward position.
- Well, I thought our business relationship
was such that you could keep sensitive data confidential.
- If it comes at the expense of one of our colleagues,
maybe we need to re-examine that business relationship.
[Elaine scoffs] Good day.
♪
[door shuts]
- I, I just need your signature here,
here and here and the house is all yours.
Put this right there.
You know, they say getting your first sale is the hardest.
I, I really hope this real estate thing works out for me.
I guess either way, I end up on a bus bench.
- Dougie. You knew me since the beginning.
No bullshit, am I making a mistake?
- Absolutely not. No, oh, also, initial there.
- When I'm dragging my recycling bin out to the curb
or getting some shitty kid's Frisbee off my roof,
will I even... still be me?
- Sure, but you know what, if, if you're leaving cans and bottles
on the curb, I could take those off your hands.
[rapid knock on door]
- Clay, wait.
Do not sign that. - What?
- I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to buy a house right now.
- This morning, you were all over me to buy it.
- What the fuck, Zack? - Yeah, what the fuck, Zack.
Oh, also, initial there and there.
- Wait, aren't you the HR guy?
- Oh, sorry, I need two jobs there, Hollywood.
- I think you should wait
before making such a big financial commitment.
- Why? - No, no, no, no, wait, I've seen this.
He wants to swoop in and buy the house himself.
By the way, if you don't have a real estate agent--
- Because this business is weird.
Things change. And nobody knows how secure our jobs are.
- Yeah. You're right.
Dougie, I think we should take a beat.
- No, no, no, no, Clay. Let me punch this bitch out.
You, you and I, buddy, we have always bet on ourselves.
Am I right?
- Not really. I pretty much expect to fail.
Zack, is there something you're not telling me?
- No.
No.
I don't know anything.
- Then fuck it, I can't think about this anymore.
There, I'm neutered. - Yes!
Yes, in your face, shithead.
Two people just got a home today.
- Congratulations.
- So Reed, what's the best part about being back on the show?
- Uh, well, you know, Carly,
I really love being back together with the gang,
but mostly I'd say the nicest thing this time around is that
we've all settled into our roles with maturity,
you know, with, um, seasoning, if you will.
And we all are so familiar with each other
that there are no surprises, so.
- I must say, I was surprised today when Bree shared the happy news.
- Oh, what news is that?
- She told me that you two are back in love.
- Really?
- And talking about having a baby.
- Really? - I broke the news on Twitter 20 minutes ago...
- Oh. - ...and "Step Right Up" fans
are already buzzing.
- Well, no one is buzzing more than me.
[both laugh]
- So tell me what is involved in recreating a--
- Okay. Hee, hee, hee!
[phone rings]
NORA: [on voicemail] It's Nora, text me.
- You!
No, no, no. - Ooh.
- What the actual fuck did you say to that reporter?
- Okay, okay, I was trying to warn you, but I didn't wanna do it in front of Nora.
- Oh, no, that's right. Yeah, better she finds out on Twitter.
- Oh, it's on Twitter? Is it trending?
- Why would you say that to a reporter?
- Look, I didn't mean to, but I found out on camera
that Anders married his assistant and they're having a baby.
I felt like I was drowning and I needed something to hang on to.
- Oh, like my neck?
Nora already suspects
that there's something going on between us.
- She's the jealous type, huh? That is a red flag.
- Red flag?
You are the one that just told the world we're having a baby.
- Ohh. Okay, drama queen,
I said talking babies.
- We're not talking babies!
- Well, we kind of are right now, so.
- Hey, this isn't a fucking game.
It is my life.
- I'm sorry. - Mm-hmm.
- I am.
You were the first person I thought of.
- Why? Are you trying to break up me and Nora?
- No. That's crazy.
- Is it? I, I don't understand what's happening.
Are you trying to get back together with me?
- Why are you asking me that?
- 'Cause I need to know.
- No.
I told you, I just panicked.
- I don't know what's going on between us,
but the fact that you would drag me into this
without any regard for the consequences, oh God.
Oh-- for 15 years, I was sane and centered
and then two months with you and I am heading down crazy river
straight toward batshit falls
and I am done.
TOUR GUIDE: Oh, my goodness.
Is that Reed Sterling and Bree Marie Jensen?
I heard these two have a baby who's about to "Step Right Up."
Let's hear it for the happy couple. [crowd cheers]
- We're not happy!
- All right. Speaking of comic monsters,
who here is a fan of "Young Frankenstein"?
♪ gentle guitar music ♪
- No... [indistinct]
♪
- Gentlemen. - Hey, Gordon, how are you?
GORDON: Good, good.
JOSIE: [on monitor] How did you get injured?
JAKE: [on monitor] You told me it was a sex injury from last night.
JOSIE: I was protesting last night.
Who were you having sex with?
REED: [on monitor] Oh, shit, I forgot.
I forgot.
- Hey, Keenan, let it run for a second.
BREE: Oh! You forgot your line
or you forgot who you were having sex with?
REED: Both, both.
CLAY: Wait, I thought you were having sex with me.
REED: Oh, no, trust me, I would remember that.
BREE: You guys were having sex without me again?
REED: We were just having-- BREE: That was part of the deal
of getting to stay.
Wait, do you even live here?
- [laughs] All right, thank you.
REED: Do you live here?
- How about if Lawrence says,
"Don't ask me, I still got a middle-aged man living in my garage."
[all laugh] - Wait, I though Cody lives in the garage.
- Oh!
- Ow, you are really wound up.
You guys are lucky Janae's not here because she would taken you down.
- What does that mean? - She defends me.
- Oh, she does-- - Yeah.
♪
- Hi, me again, may I?
- By all means. I certainly enjoyed your last visit.
- Thank you.
- Well, look who's back.
- You got a minute? - Anything for you, old friend.
[door closes]
♪ whimsical music ♪
[doorbell rings]
- Oh, Christ, it actually goes ding-dong.
- Clay Barber? - I don't even know anymore.
- This is for you.
♪ dramatic music ♪
[phone rings]
[engine revs]
- Oh, good, you're here.
- I woke up to about a dozen texts asking me if it was true,
that you and Bree are getting back together
and having a baby.
I mean, is it?
- Oh, God, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
During a TV interview today,
Bree found out that her ex-husband was getting remarried
and having a baby.
She freaked out and said the first thing that popped into her head.
- Why is that the first thing that popped into her head?
- I don't know and I don't, I don't care.
- Jesus. - I've stopped trying to figure out
what's going on in her head.
But that is the reason why she rushed
into my trailer, to warn me.
But she saw you and then...
Nora, I swear that is what happened.
- On camera. Fuck.
- Yeah. - That's brutal.
- Yeah. - Ugh.
But still, I am, I am...
I am so tired.
I'm so tired. I'm tired of the play.
I'm tired of us long distance.
I'm-- the fucking FaceTimes, I can't.
I just, I don't know, I just, I feel like I'm,
I just feel like I'm losing you.
- No, you're not, you're not, okay.
In fact, you know what?
Nora, marry me.
- What? - Yeah, I love you.
You are inspiring
and intelligent and brilliant
and, and beautiful and rational.
You are everything that I need in a person.
So what do you say?
- I don't know if this is the Ambien talking, or...
Yeah. Yes.
- Yes? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
- Okay, yeah. - Really!
- Oh, God.
- I can't believe we're doing this.
This is really happening, we're doing this?
- Yeah, yeah. We are doing this. We are--
We are really doing this. Yes. - Okay.
[phone ringing]
Oh, perfect, it's my mother.
She has, she has a Google alert on you.
She has not stopped calling.
- Tell her the news, there you go.
- Okay, okay.
Hi, Mom. Yeah, I'm with Reed right now.
Jesus, he's not an asshole.
Why, why are you yelling?
[sighs]
[phone ringing]
- What? - I know you're probably with Nora,
so just listen.
I wasn't honest with you before.
The reason I said that we were still together
is because I knew it would hurt Anders,
because he was always jealous of you.
I guess he sensed that my feelings for you never really went away
and that he would never be the love of my life.
I think that honor belongs to you, Reed.
[Reed sighs]
- I just got engaged.
- Oh.
- Okay. - Hey.
- So just got off the phone with Mallory and--
- Oh, your HR girlfriend. How's that going, the two of you?
- She's not my girlfriend. Not technically.
Maybe we're both waiting for the other to say the word, I don't know.
Okay, anyway, she told me
that if Griffin messes with the show
due to a personal grudge,
that could be grounds for us--
- Let, let me stop you right there.
I just met with him again, problem solved.
- So you apologized?
- Uh, no, I quit.
- You what?
- I had no other choice.
This guy is petty and ruthless
and if I stayed, I promise you,
he would find some reason to cancel us.
So, we made a deal.
I leave and he doesn't fuck with the show.
- No, no. GORDON: Yes.
- Uh, no. I'm sorry. You do not get to be the hero here
sacrificing yourself to save us all.
- Uh-- - Did you try apologizing?
- Oh, sweetie, I'm too old
and too rich to apologize to a guy like that.
I-- that's not gonna happen. I can't--
That's not in my DNA, sorry.
- So you didn't even try.
Instead of swallowing your pride, you're just leaving
me.
- I, I'm not leaving you.
I'm leaving an impossible situation.
- Yeah, where have I heard that before?
- No, no, this is not like that, come on. You--
It's gonna be fine.
You, you totally got this.
You're doing great and, and come on, you know,
it's not like we're not gonna see each other.
We'll see each other all the time.
So do me a favor and just thank everybody
for me and send my regrets.
- You're not gonna say goodbye? - I-- hmm.
I stink at goodbyes.
But you, you already knew that.
I'm proud of what you and I did here.
And the show's pretty good, too.
[ Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Rebecca Roubion playing]
♪ Welcome to your life ♪
♪ There's no turning back ♪
♪ Even while we sleep ♪
♪ We will find you ♪
♪ Acting on your best behavior ♪
♪ Turn your back on Mother Nature ♪
♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
[doorbell rings]
- Ding-dong, ding-dong.
- Hey.
Nice house.
- What are you doing here?
- I don't know.
I just don't feel like being alone.
- Not sure I should be alone either.
♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
[door closes]
♪ All for freedom ♪
♪ And for pleasure ♪
♪ Nothing ever last forever ♪
♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
♪