So...
What time's the party?
Oh, they'll be started early.
Hoping relatives die off by nine.
Free food? Fat chance.
Vultures.
I err, I texted Caroline.
I'm not sure if she's upset with me for...
She understands.
I could always pop in.
My flight's not until... No need, honestly.
It's her engagement party.
Ah, she'll be hammered.
She won't even notice.
Will you be okay here on those?
I have Ant.
And me.
Main thing is you look after yourself.
You're happy in London.
Right. I've a few bits to do, so...
I've put a little bit into your account
just till you're back on your feet.
I'll pay you back.
Ah.
I won't walk you out.
DOOR SLAMS SHUT
She's better off.
Absolutely. Totally.
Much better off.
Mmm.
Can I make anyone a cup of tea?
And where would you do that?
Nowhere.
You look good.
I mean you always do, you jammy bastard.
Remember that time you went
straight to Aunty Ag's birthday party
from an all-nighter and all she could talk about
was how handsome you looked?
And she said I looked fat.
I miss you.
I miss you every day.
No, sorry! It's way too nice.
I'll swap you for, oh, Saint Anthony,
courtesy of Granny.
She was a total pisshead, by the way!
MELANCHOLIC MUSIC
You're not allowed to lie on graves.
Why?
JAUNTY MUSIC
I'm not sure about this.
Is it the font, or... ? No, about tonight.
The sex thing.
I thought you wanted to.
I do want to. It's just it can't be anyone we know.
But we've invited everyone we know.
Rory, it's our first time! It should be special!
I know!
We should never see them again!
No.
Okay.
JAUNTY MUSIC
Banner looks great.
DOOR BELL CHIMES
Ah. I just came to drop this.
Hmm.
Most women like flowers.
Should I have brought flowers?
What are you doing here?
You're not answering my calls.
I told you.
I don't want a serious relationship.
I don't want a serious relationship either!
You said you were in love
and you moved into my flat.
Okay, that was a bit...
But can we not just go back to how it was before?
You changed my life, Mina.
You healed me.
I am an acupuncturist. It's what I do.
But I don't want to have to help people all of the time.
Tom, you're a nice man.
We have nice sex.
But you have too much baggage.
No, I don't!
I mean, I did I think maybe.
But, I mean, now...
Sorry, carry on.
It's too complicated.
It doesn't have to be.
It can be meaningless.
It can just be meaningless, casual sex.
And you'd be happy with this?
Yes.
Are you sure? Absolutely.
Can it mean a little bit?
JAUNTY MUSIC
Karen?
Jesus! You frightened the shite out of me!
Are you trying the dresses on?
I can't fucking sell them
if I don't know what they're like on.
What is it like on?
Does it make me arse look huge?
I'm going back to London.
I just came to say goodbye.
What's in the bottle?
Water.
Oh. Can I have a swig?
No.
I fucking knew it.
I knew it.
Okay, look.
There's a meeting in an hour.
I'll change and we can...
I'm not going to a meeting drunk.
I went to all my meetings drunk
for the first two years.
Just came to say goodbye.
Do you think that's a good idea?
Everyone else does.
What about your recovery?
I've been drinking all week.
Glass of wine here, vodka there.
Didn't binge. No one even noticed.
Ah, yeah. You just have to manage it.
Except you can't
because you're a fucking alcoholic!
Maybe it was just a phase.
Says the girl with the gin in the water bottle.
Vodka, actually.
It's one day at time for a reason.
You fell off the wagon today
It's okay.
You get back up and you start again tomorrow.
You don't get to wipe the slate
and start again whenever it suits.
Some things you don't get to do over.
By the way, I didn't do my moral inventory.
Because it s bullshit!
This is your mask, Shiv.
This is how you face the world because you're scared.
It's not the real you.
No offence, Karen,
you don't know the real me.
You're a weirdo that I met in a room
full of weirdos.
In real life we'd never even be friends.
And yes, that dress does make your arse look huge.
You look fucking ridiculous.
MELANCHOLIC MUSIC
I need a pen.
What is that, a novel, or...?
Moral inventory.
Are you a high-functioning alcoholic?
I'm a low-functioning alcoholic.
I'm a CEO.
I wouldn't trust me with the keys to a padlock,
never mind a multinational corporation,
but, hey.
I'm missing my sister's engagement party.
You can't miss your sister s engagement party.
It's family.
- My family don't like me.
They don't get a choice.
PLAYFUL MUSIC
I'm going to that party.
Yes, you are!
I'm gonna be the best fucking guest there!
Yes, you fucking are! Yep.
Yeah! Mm-hmm.
Mmm. You go, girl.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. You go.
I should probably call my sponsor.
She's much better off in London.
Yeah.
Rory, you want to take things slow
but you've brought me to a room full of relatives.
It's a free bar. Come on.
Would you like a drink?
- You know, she was drinking the whole time?
No.
I found gin bottle stashed under the bed.
Little ones.
Like the ones that I bought Mammy?
- What? GLASS CLINKING
If I could just have
everyone's attention for a moment.
I just want to say a few words.
When two young people decide to tie the knot,
it's always a happy occasion.
What about her? She's pretty.
That's my cousin Tara.
It serves as a reminder to us all
that love and friendship
and loyalty still
do have a place in our world.
What about the waiters?
Or the waiter? Look, he's a ride.
Oh, he smiled at me.
And I can't think of two people more committed
to one another than Rory and Caroline.
We'd be doing a threesome, yeah?
So now...
If you're comfortable with that.
Yeah. Totally.
If you could all please raise your glasses
to the happy couple to be.
[ALL] To the happy couple to be! (CHEERING)
Will I ask him?
I thought you were on a plane.
Ah.
Well, well.
Look what the cat dragged in on its way to London.
Suppose you lost another job, did you?
No.
But I did fuck my boss's boyfriend.
-CHOKES ON DRINK
Oh, close your mouth, you old cow!
So, you are drinking?
Don't tell Mum, Aunty Rita.
I'm in the bad books.
Still no man, Shiv, no?
Not really, Uncle Joe, no.
Still an alcoholic?
Nah.
Where's Kirsten? Kristen?
Inside.
Do you wanna fuck?
Have you been drinking?
-CLEARS THROAT
Jesus, Shiv.
Sober Shiv Sheridan was never really gonna work, was it?
Look, I'm sorry about last week.
My head was all over the place.
I miss you.
And I was thinking that
if you're going back to London now
if Kristen's here, maybe
we could work something out,
you know?
Thought you had a family to think about?
I'm an artist, Shiv.
I can't live some conventional life.
And neither can you.
We're different.
And the more successful you become,
you need people around you who don't bullshit.
You always tell me the truth.
You want the truth?
Always.
I was in love with you.
For years and years it was you.
Because we have this thing. It's big and it's messy.
It's deep.
I never understood why we
couldn't just be in a normal relationship,
where you couldn't just commit, and now I get it.
I get it.
It's because you're a selfish prick,
and a mediocre artist.
Sorry, truth.
Truth, ahem.
Is that Shiv?
Oh Jesus!
Hello, hi! [LAUGHS]
Hi. Can you all hear me?
[ALL] Yes! [CHEERING]
She's not gonna make a speech!
I would like to make a speech! CHEERING
KISSING SOUNDS
Oh, Shiv's making a speech.
Shiv's here? Yeah, and she is locked.
Oh, fuck! Mm-hmm.
There they are! The happy couple!
CROWD CHEERING
They've been together since school.
Now, I know, I know what you're thinking
fucking boring. LAUGHTER
But you're wrong. They're an amazing couple.
I mean, they can tell each other anything,
you know, no matter how awkward
or humiliating.
You know, Rory,
I've so much respect for what you've been through.
APPLAUSE Yeah, I have.
Does she seem drunk?
Tom! Do something!
What?
Mum and Dad! AWWING AND CHEERING
They don't like me making speeches
because they're worried
I'm going to do something embarrassing.
So...
Let's get that out of the way.
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
Oh, my god.
CHEERING & WHOOPING
Oh, my Jesus.
SHIV: Whoo!
See, I'm tired of bullshitting.
I'm an alcoholic and
I'm drunk.
And this is my moral inventory
where you write down all the shitty things
you've ever done and then you tell someone
like a confession.
And then, then you recover, ha!
LAUGHS As if!
I mean, what does that even mean, recovery, like?
Like how are you supposed to recover,
you know,
from life?
How do you recover from your husband telling you
after 40 years that he's met a reflexologist
and he's in love with her?
or how do you recover when your
girlfriend bones a consultant
and then proposes to you out of guilt?
What?
How do you recover from being raped
or molested or...
or losing a kid?
I can't listen to this.
Or finding your brother,
who you love more than anything
in the whole world
dead?
Dead in his bed because he didn't want to
be here one more day.
You know, I think, given the circumstances
that we are all in,
is it any wonder we reach for a drink?
Or a reflexologist, you know?
And then we just keep on reaching,
keep on reaching and reaching
and I have destroyed my life.
My mother's angry with me.
She wants me to disappear,
go back to London, not be her problem anymore.
I really don't blame her,
because I'd like to disappear too.
I'd like to get away from me too.
I'd really like to forget
every single disgusting thing
that's in that book that I did.
I did it, it makes my skin crawl.
I really want to get away from me too.
And that's why I drink.
But I was sober for six months.
I don't have a man
and I don't have a job and I'm 35
and I slept with a pregnant woman's boyfriend
But I didn't reach for a drink
for a whole six months
and, well, that's something, huh?
SNIFFS So, I just wanted to say...
What was it I wanted to say?
Oh yeah, ha!
Happy anniversary! CROWD GASPS
Shiv.
Shiv, come on love. Come on.
Oh.
Cover her up.
Come on.
Too much for a first date?
Rory, you coming?
Is it true?
What Shiv said?
For god's sake, Rory, she's hammered.
You wanted to sleep with other people too.
Yeah, but I told you.
Rory.
Rory!
VAN DOOR SLAMS SHUT
MELANCHOLIC MUSIC
What the fuck?
Jesus, what a night.
Were we terrible parents?
We were parents, Bernie.
We did our best.
And Pam.
Pam! Jesus!
You were right.
I need a drink.
I need a fucking drink.
GLASSES CLINK
We'll wait here.
God, it's depressing, isn't it?
KAREN Howareyis?
Right, yis all know the drill.
We'll start with a reading,
open the floor for shares, blah, blah, blah.
You going to take a seat?
I see we have some old faces here today,
along with some newcomers.
First one's always the hardest. So, well done.
Right, let's get this show on the road.