LUKE: All right, girls, what we rehearsed.
-MAN: Drums. -(SEARCHLIGHT PICTURES FANFARE PLAYING)
(ALL VOCALIZING SEARCHLIGHT PICTURES FANFARE)
-MAN: Hey. -(VOCALIZING CONTINUES)
(ALL VOCALIZING OFF KEY)
KEEGAN: Girl, we sound mad good.
-(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) -MAN: She's an icon.
She's a legend.
She's an icon.
She's a legend.
NOAH: "It is a truth universally acknowledged
"that a single man in possession of a good fortune
"must be in want of a wife."
You know who said that? Jane Austen, the queen.
Fucking shit.
Pretty dope way to start a story, right? (CHUCKLES)
Well, no offense to my girl, Jane, but that sounds like some hetero nonsense.
Listen, I don't know much about a good fortune,
but not every single man is looking for a wife.
Hey.
Oh.
Hey, you.
You're still here, which is awesome.
-Except, um, you have to leave. -Sorry, what?
No, listen, last night was fun.
-(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) -MAN: She's an icon.
But seriously, you gotta go.
Yeah, I know that looked a little harsh, but he had boyfriend energy,
and that is just not me.
Besides, this week is sacred.
We're going to Fire Island. It's like gay Disney World.
Fun for the whole family...
LUKE: Come on. Hurry up!
-...except when I say family... -Get on the boat!
-I think about those faggots. -HOWIE: Let's go!
NOAH: Please don't cancel me. I'm reclaiming it.
To me, it just means, um, sisters.
-Stupid bitch, Noah. Every year. -NOAH: I made it, didn't I?
-How? You missed every train. -I took a Lyft.
What, from Bushwick? What is that? Like, a $300 ride?
-How are you paying for this? -You finally start a OnlyFans?
It's called a credit card, idiot.
You've literally never made a student loan payment,
who would give you a credit card?
Amanda at Forever 21.
-Amanda. -Oh, my God.
NOAH: So, yeah, we're poor.
Not, like, poor-poor,
but poor as in none of us have a chance in hell of buying property, ever?
But this is what brought us together.
We all met almost ten years ago
working at the same cursed brunch spot in Williamsburg.
Bottomless mimosas, bitches!
(LAUGHS)
NOAH: Back then, we were broke queers,
subsisting off of predatory student loans and brunch tips.
LUKE: Come here, baby.
-NOAH: That's Luke and Keegan. -Oh! That's good.
NOAH: They met in theater school.
They were both eventually kicked out of the program,
but they're still convinced they're stars.
LUKE: Yes!
NOAH: There's sweet Max.
Can you guys be a little quiet?
NOAH: Super smart, but he can be a little uptight.
He claims he doesn't come on this trip to hook up,
but he puts out in the Meat Rack just like the rest of us.
It's really coming together.
NOAH: And then there's Howie.
The best of us on almost every level.
He deserted me a few years ago
for some cush start-up job in San Francisco,
but he still makes it back every year for this trip.
Our bond goes a little deeper than everyone else's
for complex, spiritual reasons. And, well...
MAN: Jackie Chan, hey. Can I get another refill here, bud?
NOAH: All the obvious ones, too.
Yeah, well, looks like it's that time.
A lot of people on Twitter think
body positivity has actually gone too far.
Uh-huh.
Why would you conform to this community's toxic body standards?
Whatever. I'm still invisible to most of these people.
-What does that make me? -No fats, no fems, no Asians.
Noah, you still two out of the three.
NOAH: Bitchy, yes, but not wrong.
In our community, money isn't the only form of currency.
Race, masculinity, abs,
just few of the metrics we use to separate ourselves
into upper and lower classes.
Of course, I don't care about all that shit, but,
what can I say? I'm a class traitor.
And this why straight people hate us.
I mean, also, heteronormativity, Judeo-Christian pathology, anal.
Whatever. Who cares what they think?
We're not gonna see one for a fucking week.
-(KEEGAN AND HOWIE GASP) -Whoo!
(GASPS) Ah!
-Yes! -(ALL CHEERING)
(INDIE POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
I forgot how far away the house is.
-Hey. -Hi, guys.
Hey.
-Stop being weird. -Okay, it's a nice human gesture.
Hey. How are you guys?
-(MAN 1 LAUGHS) -MAN 2: No, thanks.
This place is so toxic.
Why? Because of those guys? Fuck them.
As far as I'm concerned, we are the hottest people here.
Luke's right. Why would you say hello to someone you don't wanna fuck?
NOAH: Because fucking isn't the only reason some people come here.
No, that is the only reason that you come here.
No, I also come here to read. I contain multitudes.
She thinks that makes her less of a whore than the rest of us.
No, I just know who I am, that's empowering.
Besides, anybody can fuck on Fire Island.
-(HOWIE SCOFFS) -Okay,
the only reason you don't is because...
I'm sorry, that was an involuntary response.
I'm fine. Seriously.
MAX: It's actually a logistical nightmare to fuck on this island.
At least, if you wanna do it indoors, you know, no privacy anywhere.
That's what the outdoors are for, girl.
Ew, have you heard of ticks?
Okay, how about their best friend? Lyme disease.
-No. -MAX: I'm serious.
Bitch! I knew I smelled some bottoms.
(ALL LAUGH)
-You bitch. -Little bitch!
NOAH: And that is Erin.
The last member of our makeshift little family.
Career brunch server, age unknown, lesbian scam queen.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Five years ago, she made a mini fortune after she ate a piece of glass
at a major Italian chain restaurant and won a huge settlement.
She even got a little tattoo above her vagina that says,
"All-you-can-eat salad."
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-LUKE: Come on, Keegan, let's go, baby. -Okay!
NOAH: First thing she did with the money was buy a little house on the island.
She invites us to stay with her every year.
ERIN: Welcome home, little chickadees.
LUKE: Cover it with your whole body.
KEEGAN: This is ours.
LUKE: Baby, use your mass. Plan this shit, girl.
NOAH: In exchange, we let her believe
she's the closest thing any of us have to a mother.
(SIGHS) It feels like it gets smaller every year.
Are you kidding me? It's perfect.
For me at least, it's sort of true.
Welcome home.
(BOTTLE POPS)
(NOAH CHUCKLES)
Coming here was a mistake.
I can't believe you talked me into this again.
What the fuck are you talking about? I only see you on FaceTime now.
No, I'm serious. We used to come here to be...
-Gay and stupid. -(BOTH CHUCKLE)
And now...
I come here, I just feel terminally alone.
Alone? Look around. We're literally swimming in dick.
No, I don't mean like that. I mean, like, existentially lonely.
I mean, here, in S. F., I've never had a boyfriend.
(SCOFFS) Oh, God.
Monogamy industrial complex rears its ugly head.
I've never had a boyfriend either and I'm fuckin' awesome.
-Yeah, well, I'm not you. -You could be.
You just have to get laid once in a while.
-Oh, fuck off. -No, I'm serious. I mean, why not?
You're cute, you're funny,
you're consistently the least repellent to men out of all of us.
I mean, let me be your wingman.
Everybody should fuck on Fire Island at least once. It's like our birthright.
Why is this so important to you?
-Oh, my God, you've never had sex. -Noah.
Fine.
Do you remember when we met?
I was, like, a completely different person back then.
Felt invisible all the time, I was miserable.
And then we came out here. And, I don't know, something clicked.
You know, I realized how much power I was giving away to other people
to make me feel a certain way and I took it all back.
Started to do some self-improvement, and my whole life changed.
Babe, you don't need a boyfriend.
You need to learn how to protect yourself more,
'cause this romance bullshit is making you vulnerable,
you're like an open wound.
Yeah, but I want the romance bullshit.
I like the rom-com stuff, like, kissing in the rain
and standing outside my window with a boombox
or confessing things in a gazebo. What's wrong with that?
Nothing, it's just shit like that doesn't happen in real life.
The only real thing is you and me.
Fuck the rest.
Fine. If you're so invested in this, I will try and get laid.
Yes!
But I have to be attracted to him.
-He has to be nice to me. -Okay.
And no weird fetishes. I'm not letting some guy
stick his foot in my ass just so I can say I got some.
Okay, a little kink-shamey, but point taken. (CHUCKLES)
No settling.
You are gonna have missionary,
vanilla sex with the man of...
-Men of your dreams. -Oh.
And, literally, I'm not even gonna look at another guy till you get laid, okay?
I'm serious. My only mission this week is to make sure you're happy,
that you know I know everything and that I'm always right.
Yeah, that definitely won't come back to fuck me.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
When is she gonna do what she said?
Put in a hot tub. They know now that they kill STIs.
That's just a known fact in science.
KEEGAN: Yeah, you're putting our health at risk.
Are you guys complaining right now?
We're literally in paradise. Let's go talk to cute boys.
(EXCLAIMS) I think I just saw a tick in my room.
(ALL GASP)
-HOWIE: No! -LUKE: That's dumb.
Okay. You know what? This is a good thing.
This is, um... This is a positive development for me.
Don't try and spin this.
It'll give you the opportunity to unplug from social media.
-What will I look at when I shit? -(GAGS)
Did you get AppleCare?
Dad says if you don't get AppleCare, you only have yourself to blame.
What about me having an iPhone 6 Plus in 2022
makes you think I can afford AppleCare?
Girl, just get Mommy Erin to buy you a new one.
Don't be gross.
Unless you can. I mean, if you... Never mind.
-I'm just kidding. That was just a joke. -Oh, no.
It's not about the phone. (SNIFFLES)
It's everything.
Girls, I have some terrible news.
(CLICKS TONGUE) We're broke.
What? How is that possible?
You know me, I've never been good with money.
I was an early investor in Quibi.
This house is the only good investment I ever made.
Which is why I have to sell it.
-You're not. -HOWIE: Sell the house?
-It's my home. -MAX: This doesn't make sense.
-Girl, I'm sorry. -Oh, my God.
-This is our last summer. -Just stop.
Don't be ridiculous. The island's always gonna be here.
-Except the whole climate change thing. -Okay.
You don't need me.
Yeah, I do.
I mean, personally, I need all of you...
It wouldn't be the same if we didn't come together.
-You're gonna make me cry. -Don't cry.
Okay, enough. Enough of this. It's all right.
We still have this week.
So, let's pull ourselves together and get ready for tea.
-LUKE: Let's go get to tea. -Okay.
-MAX: You're right. -KEEGAN: We're doing tea.
LUKE: One week.
Can I trade a Crest Whitestrip for a PrEP pill?
-HOWIE: I got you. -LUKE: I need to change the mood.
NOAH: Guess I better make this week count, huh?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
NOAH: Back when it was all but illegal for us to exist, the "Tea Dance,"
as it was called back then, was a discreet way for us
to gather and dance without getting arrested.
Tea has evolved a lot since those early days.
But when it comes to sex,
some things never change.
Are you guys seriously on Grindr right now?
-Look where we are. -Okay, Miss Bitch.
If you had a phone, you'd be Grind-ing as well.
This isn't what the Gay Liberation Front envisioned for us.
Other than the Charli XCX remix,
this is exactly what they envisioned for us.
Seriously, what is the point of Gay Liberation
if we can't feel a little liberated?
NOAH: She's spinning!
(ALL CHEERING)
The season has begun!
Twirl!
(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
HOWIE: Spinning!
NOAH: Don't look now,
but I think this guy over here is a little obsessed with you.
What? Him?
-ERIN: Who you looking at? -Are we checking someone out?
KEEGAN: Oh, my God. Back it up, I'll take all three.
Yeah, they can definitely tell we're looking at them now.
(GASPS) Did he just wave?
Yeah. And smiled.
That wouldn't be settling, right? Be right back.
-What are you doing? -Getting us a couple of drinks.
Girl, they are hot.
NOAH: I don't wanna push too hard,
but the sooner Howie lets go of his insecurities and gets laid,
the sooner I can get laid.
-Hey. -Howdy.
Oh, God. Hi.
Couldn't help notice you lookin' at me earlier.
-(CHUCKLES) No. I wasn't looking at you. -I'm Moses. Are you Korean?
You look Korean. I have a sense.
Let me get your drink.
No. My boyfriend here, he's gonna... He's gonna grab it for us.
I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand what's going on.
Honey.
Are you Filipino? You look Filipino.
I'm gonna go.
Two Shirley Temples, please.
Okay, somebody else has to go and get the drinks.
-What are we looking at? -Erin found that guy's Instagram.
Okay, that's frightening.
I hope he's cool though,
'cause his friend turned out to be kind of a dud!
Private Instagram? What's he hiding?
We know his name is Charlie, and he's got a dog emoji
and a plant emoji and a stethoscope emoji. What a riddle.
We'll solve that later 'cause they're leaving.
-What are you doing? -Trust me.
Said that he was cute.
HOWIE: Noah, it's fine. (GRUNTS)
-ERIN: Oh, my God. -LUKE: She fell.
What is your fucking problem?
Whoa. Are you all right?
It's fine. It happens...
All the time. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Does it really?
You must have very strong bones.
Just my knees, I guess.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, that does not sound right. (CHUCKLES) Sorry.
Um, were you guys going? Because we were gonna catch the sunset.
So weird. We were, too.
Oh, great. I'm Charlie, by the way.
-We know. -What?
NOAH: Never mind. Just keep walking.
Uh, do you want some whiskey? It would help with your knees.
-You can trust me. I'm a doctor. -(YELLS)
CHARLIE: ...look like they're strawberries.
-You know? -That's a classic.
What are those called?
-Strawberries. -They are good.
NOAH: Look at those two. Absolutely perfect.
Except for one small thing.
Hey, sorry. What do you do again?
NOAH: The friends. That's problem number one.
I do graphic design for this start-up.
NOAH: Cooper, who told us immediately that he's a brand manager.
Whatever that is.
And I'm a big, powerful lawyer like Christine Baranski in The Good Wife.
Seriously?
No. Christine is the only lawyer I trust.
The rest of them are all pretty evil.
Oh. Uh, actually, Will is a lawyer.
NOAH: Problem number two. Will.
He's from L. A., super rich, and thinks he's way better than all of us.
Uh, my bad. Sorry.
I'm just a nurse, you know?
Essential services. Saving lives.
-Uh, what concentration? Trauma... -Oh, no. Free clinic for gay sluts.
I mostly just weigh people
and steal doxycycline for prophylactic purposes.
-Oh, my God, it's starting. Look alive. -Okay.
ALL: Ten... Nine... Eight...
Seven... Six... Five...
-Five... -Five...
LUKE: Five...
-Four... -Four, point five...
ALL: Three...
-Two... -(ERIN SQUEALS)
One...
-Point nine... -Point nine...
-Point eight... -Point seven...
-Point six... -Point five...
-Point four... -Point three...
Point two...
(ALL CHEERING)
MAX: That was better than last time.
-I'm proud of you, girl. You set. -Congratulations, everyone.
(CHUCKLES)
-We love her. Love that girl. -I'll see you tomorrow, girl.
Um, it's just a stupid bit we like to do.
(CHUCKLES) It's funny. You're funny.
Well, it was nice meeting you, and I'll see you around the island.
Yeah, totally.
What the fuck are you doing? Wanna get fucked or not?
I mean, not really.
Plus, he's, like, a super-hot doctor. And I'm...
Do not finish that sentence. You are a prize to be won, okay?
So get over there, seal the deal.
-(BOTH GRUNT) -Sorry.
Wow. Um...
Hey, would you boys like to come to sort of like an after-party at ours?
It's very chill, just like
-wine and a hot tub. -HOWIE: Oh.
We actually would love to, but we gotta check with our house,
'cause I think we have other plans, but we'd love to fit you in.
Okay, so there's a soft plan to go to their house for a hot tub thing.
-LUKE: Yes. A hot tub! -KEEGAN: What? Hot tub?
-BOTH: Hot tub. Hot tub. Hot... -HOWIE: Everybody shut up!
-KEEGAN: Shh, stop. -HOWIE: Yes.
-MAX: Absolutely. -KEEGAN: Hell yeah.
-NOAH: Be chill about it. -HOWIE: Okay.
Yeah, that should work for us.
I really don't think we needed to bring anything.
And if you did wanna bring something,
a full bottle of wine would've been the play.
Are you crazy? I just told you we're broke.
Wait. Do they have a house on the beach?
Well, we can't go over there. We are literal trash.
-I'm sure their house is like ours... -We're here.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)
Yeah, we definitely can't bring that in here.
-(BOTTLE BREAKS) -(MAN SCREAMS) Oh, my God.
NOAH: A lot of people think you have to be successful, white and rich
with seven percent body fat to vacation on Fire Island.
Those people are all at this party.
Excuse me. Can we help you?
NOAH: That's code. He does not wanna help us.
Yeah. Hi. Is Charlie here?
I think you may have the wrong house.
Why would you think that?
COOPER: Oh, my God.
-You all. -You know them?
Of course.
They're the cute little friends we made at tea.
NOAH: And "cute little friends" is code for not a fuckable one in the bunch.
COOPER: Get up here. Don't be rude, Braden.
-Get up here, he says. -Such a bad girl.
LUKE: Hey, you guys smell good. Abercrombie & Fitch Fierce?
(LAUGHS) Good stuff.
We should talk later.
These stairs is nice. Bitch, I feel like we're plus one.
LUKE: What's the address? I wanna order thousands of 'em.
How you doing?
Bitch, you're on snacks. I'm on drinks.
-Go. -Okay.
-A shot, please. -I got this.
-Let me just do it. -I was a bartender.
-You were a bar-back. -LUKE: Semantics.
NOAH: You wanna slow down. It's like night one. Jesus.
Excuse me, Dad. Did you not hear Erin before?
-We have to make the most of this night. -Fair point.
Oh, my God. Bitch. Look at all of this cheese.
Bring that here. I can use that as a garnish.
Guess you guys aren't bottoming tonight.
LUKE: Actually, I'm one of the cleanest ever, I've been told, bottom-wise.
Can you cut limes right now?
-KEEGAN: Cut limes? -We can handle knives, right?
KEEGAN: Yeah, why not?
HOWIE: He starts, Gays in Space.
And Jason Bateman is surprisingly a good gay person.
In like a very happy way.
(LAUGHS)
-You have to see it. It's like... -Okay.
-...really important. -NOAH: Hey, guys. What'd I miss?
I was just explaining this SNL sketch. He's never seen Gays in Space.
Honestly, the way you explained it, I don't even wanna watch the sketch now.
-You should probably watch the sketch. -I refuse to.
-Why are you being... -Adamantly.
Charlie. Have you seen Will? I can't find him. He's hiding.
Oh. Um...
No, I haven't. But, uh... If you will excuse me, I'll be right back.
Cooper, have you heard of Gays in Space?
-(CHUCKLING) -COOPER: Is that like Spaceballs?
Girl, please tell me you have not spent the entire conversation
walking him through old SNL sketches.
Shut up. It's a classic. But, no, it's been nice.
He's a pediatrician, isn't that so adorable?
Sure. But is he a top or bottom, does he eat ass, is he on PrEP?
Have you gained no vital information?
It's not like that. I think he just likes talking to me.
Then what the fuck are we doing here?
These people are not our people. I was talking to one of them.
He thinks Lindsey Graham was in The Parent Trap.
Yikes.
I gotta pee.
Lindsey Graham in The Parent Trap. I would watch that.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Hmm.
Let's see what Charlie's working with.
CHARLIE: He hasn't asked me for drugs. It just feels special.
And he is nothing like Rhys, I will say that for him.
WILL: Yeah, well, you just met him, so it's kind of hard to know.
CHARLIE: He hasn't asked me what I'm into one time.
It's so nice.
WILL: Okay. I'm just saying you've been single for what? A month?
CHARLIE: Calm down. I think that he's cute and funny.
-WILL: Great. -That's all I said.
NOAH: Translation. He wants to dick my friend down.
-WILL: What about his friends? -CHARLIE: They're nice.
WILL: They're clearly using us for free liquor.
Have you seen the way they're drinking?
CHARLIE: (CHUCKLES) Okay, yeah. They're a little quirky, but, um...
-What about Noah? -WILL: He's fine.
He's not hot enough to be that annoying, though.
CHARLIE: I'm so glad I invited you. You're always so positive.
WILL: Why am I here, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Because Cooper's just a family friend,
and I wanted a real friend with me.
Is that so bad?
WILL: I want you to be careful, that's all.
You're a good person, and people take advantage of that all the time.
Especially the kind of people that come here.
CHARLIE: What does that mean?
WILL: This place is a playground for superficial, vapid morons.
Will, promise me you'll try to have a good time.
Okay.
-Everything has buckles on it now. -Shade is good on him. It's his color.
-We were just talking about you. -Oh, I know.
Yeah, they were wondering where you got your Speedo from.
It's so cute. Did you get it on Amazon?
No, it's an heirloom. It's been in my family for generations.
-What? -Mine's this little boutique brand.
-You probably haven't heard of them. -Is it Charlie?
Because it says "Charlie" in big, bold letters on your ass.
-(CHUCKLES) -I'm sorry, am I being annoying?
-Yeah. -(CHUCKLES) We have a problem.
(LUKE AND KEEGAN SQUEALING)
Are they bringing cheese into the hot tub?
So sorry. We'll take them home right now.
No, you stay. We got this, right?
Absolutely. Thank you. We had such a great time.
Wonderful party. (CHUCKLES)
(GASPS) Put that brie down! No, not in the water!
Hey, what is going on with you tonight?
Listen. Do you like that guy? Is he nice to you?
Has he expressed any interest in kinky sex?
Yes. Yes. No.
Then it doesn't matter what's going on with me.
You got this.
But whatever you do, do not let these people think
they are better than us, because at the end...
-(RETCHES) -(ALL GASP)
KEEGAN: That is nasty.
Damn, bitch.
(RETCHING)
ERIN: One of them stole this speaker. I don't know where it goes.
(SOFTLY) Disgusting.
Never mind.
KEEGAN: Girl, get that shit out.
He's on PrEP.
-You okay? -LUKE: Oh, my God, no.
-NOAH: Party's over, babe. -KEEGAN: Come on.
-LUKE: I threw up. -NOAH: I told you.
LUKE: I puked. Yes. Thank you.
KEEGAN: Just think about how skinny you will be, girl.
You guys ever see Gays in Space?
LUKE: They hate me now!
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
NOAH: That's my girl.
Hey, did Howie make it home last night?
No, if you can believe it.
That little whore.
Our little Howie with a doctor. It'll be like having health insurance again.
Okay, chill out. It's just a one-night thing.
Yeah, like, we don't even know if anything happened.
-Maybe they killed him. -NOAH: Okay. Don't be bitter.
-Did anybody bother to text him? -MAX: I did. But it went to green.
Maybe Keegan's right.
Although, you are more likely to get murdered in your own home.
-LUKE: It's why I never host. -Fuck. Uh...
You know what? I bet his phone died.
I'll go get him.
Excuse me. Um, can we help you?
Seriously, this again?
Oh, my God. Howie?
Oh, my God. Hi.
See, Braden, I'm a friend. Is Howie still here?
He is, poor thing.
I think he drank a little too much last night.
Top-shelf stuff hits a little different than well.
Can I go check on him?
Last night, literally last night.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey.
You're back.
Yep. Just came to check on my friend.
-Uh, your friend's upstairs, I think. -Great.
Uh, wait.
Here. He might need this.
Thanks.
I also just wanted to say sorry about last night.
Braden wasn't super welcoming. So...
-Braden? You're apologizing for Braden? -I don't understand.
Little tip. The tap water here, safe to drink.
You don't have to pollute the oceans or waste your money with bottles.
-(BIN OPENS) -(SCOFFS)
You're right.
(BOTTLE THUDS)
Noted.
(SCOFFS)
Nice.
Look at you, superstar.
(HOWIE GROANS)
I want to die.
What happened? I haven't seen you like this since your Four Loko days.
I think it's the expensive booze. Guess my body is used to well.
Where are people getting this? That's not science.
(GROANS) I'm humiliated.
Oh, no.
I take it you didn't make it happen with the doctor last night?
No. I spent most of the night in here.
But he did stay up with me, though.
Well, that's good. It means he's into you.
But it is day two. I think we should start looking into other options.
Yeah. Totally. I'm sure there's tons of cute guys on this island
who would miss a party to watch me puke.
Well, he is a doctor, so he sort of has to.
Right.
He did this thing, though,
where he was rubbing my back while I was sick,
and I don't know how to explain it,
but it felt really intimate.
I don't know. I'm being stupid.
No, you're not being stupid. It's just...
Don't get sucked into one guy's orbit.
Right.
CHARLIE: Knock, knock.
Hi. Sorry. Will told me you were up here.
I just came to check on our patient.
Well, he's pregnant and he's not raising this baby alone.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
HOWIE: I'm fine.
Thank you again for everything.
Of course. Don't mention it. Honestly, my back feels incredible.
I might just start sleeping on the bathroom floor every night.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
NOAH: This is bleak.
Charlie, do you wanna come and eat dinner at our house tonight?
As, like, a thank you.
You don't have to do that.
NOAH: Oh, please. You took such good care of Howie, let us repay you.
Uh, can I invite the rest of my house?
That could be fun, right?
NOAH: Sure.
The more the merrier.
ERIN: Why did you spring a dinner on me like this?
You love throwing dinner parties.
It makes it really stressful to be friends with you.
For you, I could put out a platter of uncooked hotdogs
and you kids would eat it right up.
-We wouldn't. -We can cancel if you want.
I would rather die.
Go to the Pantry. I'll text you a list.
Find anything dented, label-less or on the brink of expiration.
-Fly, you fools! -All right.
-All right. Enough. Let's go. -Let's go.
-Not enough. -Bitch, where we going?
MAN: And for you to charge $11 for one box of Cheez-Its,
which you fully well know a box of Cheez-Its is on average $7.59
in any store in New York,
and I don't throw this term around lightly, sweetheart, is homophobic.
CLERK: Sir, I don't set the prices.
-I don't care. -CLERK: Sir...
MAN: I'm not done.
I mean, he's not wrong. The prices here are psychotic.
You can thank capitalism for that, by the way.
Calm down, Bernie Sanders. I personally love the Pantry.
Small businesses are the lifeblood of this country.
And also, who says we have to pay?
Yeah, when we lived above that Whole Foods in college,
we got so good at stealing.
You would not believe how many Kind bars I can fit in Keegan's ass.
My girl is like a Costco.
Wait, like, in hole or, like, just between the cheeks?
I don't know.
Um, okay, crazy hot guy checking you out by the produce.
I saw. But we're not doing me right now,
we're doing you and that pink hole of yours.
Ew. Stop. Gross. Forget I said anything. Here, go do something useful
and dent these cans so we can get a discount.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN DISTANCE)
-Hey. -It was like this when I found it.
Oh.
Shit. This is humiliating.
It's cool.
Oh.
I'm poor, too.
NOAH: I meant what I said to Howie.
I'm committed to my duties as wingman,
which makes meeting someone who looks like this...
-You've read The Ethical Slut. -Yeah, it's formative.
...extremely inconvenient.
It's part of the reason why I'm so annoying.
That and my parents. They're so messed up.
It's like, what has heteronormativity ever done for them?
What are you guys even talking about over here?
KEEGAN: Noah always does this, so...
He meets someone fun
and then she scares 'em away with all her talking.
-CHARLIE: Did you have Pedialyte? -HOWIE: I had...
Who is Howie talking to?
Oh. Them again.
-Oh, shit. -CHARLIE: I'm telling you,
-Pedialyte works. -Come on.
I know. It's like Gatorade without the nasty...
-Hello. -Oh, my goodness.
I hope that you did not get all this for us.
Hi, Dex!
Wait, how do you guys know Dex?
-Uh, we just met. Is he with you guys? -No.
CHARLIE: We just know a lot of the same people, I guess.
Yeah, I knew Will back in California.
You didn't strike me as a teeny-tiny- little-ice-cream-cone sorta guy. Cute.
It's melting.
Huh.
Um, okay. Well, we should get all this home. We will see you guys at dinner.
-Actually, Dex, why don't you come? -Yes, you have to.
-Oh, my God, please come. -Yeah, come.
Yeah, it'll give you a chance to catch up with Will.
CHARLIE: That would be fun, right?
Yeah. Awesome.
Okay, so we really have to go. Raw chicken, direct sunlight...
CHARLIE: Of course.
-Bye. -We'll see you later.
-Later. -See you later.
-Bye, Howie. -HOWIE: Bye, Charlie.
NOAH: I didn't prepare for an extra person, but...
What are you up to, you little troll?
I thought I'd make dinner a little more interesting.
HOWIE: Oh, my God.
NOAH: Something important to understand about Fire Island
is that time sort of works differently here.
For whatever reason, call it magic or too many drugs,
a full day in the Pines
can equal anywhere between a week to three months out in the real world.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
You can catch feelings after just one day.
People don't like it when you put make-up on it. I'm sorry, it's true.
NOAH: All kinds of feelings.
I really thought every house on the island had a hot tub.
Yeah, I know, it's crazy, right?
We have a GoFundMe set up, so fingers crossed, though.
Hi, by the way. Where is the rest of your house?
Um, yeah. Braden and the boys, they're feeling a little tired.
Well, thank God you had the energy.
Oh, God. Five minutes and you've already found a book?
NOAH: Yeah, that's mine.
You're reading Alice Munro?
Yeah, I blazed through Animorphs already, so...
No, I... Sorry. I just didn't think anybody would be reading here.
CHARLIE: You're so good. I always mean to.
Yeah, well, I just do like audio books and stuff, or a podcast.
What kind of a gay person goes on vacation to do homework?
A literate one.
(LAUGHS)
You're so funny. You're all so funny. Very biting, like, um...
Do you know who Amy Schumer is?
Hey, I wanna show you something that I'm gonna think of when I get inside.
-Why don't we go do that? -(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm gonna FaceTime my mom before I get too fucked up tonight.
I forgot her birthday, again. What's your Wi-Fi password?
Cherry Jones, but all the E's are threes.
(EXHALES)
So, you a big reader?
I am.
(MIMICS WILL) "And you, do you like to read?"
-(IN NORMAL VOICE) "I do. Thank you..." -Excuse me?
That's how conversations work. Generally, in my experience...
Why would I ask a question I already know the answer to?
Doesn't have to be that question, specifically.
-Do you really not know how this works? -What's your favorite story?
Uh...
I don't know. Powers.
It's, um, you know, it's quintessential Alice.
It's got all the narrative restraint and beautiful prose
and then, at the same time, it's this weird departure for her.
Really? How?
Well, normally, what she writes about is so domestic,
you know, and then, in this one, she's like,
"Here's this girl with superpowers and it's crazy like..."
I don't know if that's definitive.
Yeah, it is. The story is literally called "Powers."
That girl has superpowers.
In terms of the story that she's actually telling,
I don't think it ultimately matters if she has powers...
If it ultimately doesn't matter, why are we arguing?
-I didn't think we were arguing. -So, let me win.
Okay.
You win.
NOAH: Somehow I'm mad and horny.
HOWIE: I can't believe you talked me into showing you.
-CHARLIE: I didn't talk you into it... -Oh, damn.
Howie doesn't normally show people that sketchbook.
-He must really like your friend. -WILL: I see.
Is there a problem?
WILL: I don't know your friend, okay? But I do know Charlie,
and people tend to mistake his kindness for affection.
Well, I know Howie
and I think he just wants to show your friend some doodles, so, chill.
LUKE: Excuse me, gay community.
(LAUGHING)
Look who we found. The king.
He literally said the funniest thing ever. Tell 'em, it's so funny.
-I'm not gonna say it. -Tell 'em now.
Mm.
-Is this where the orgy is? -(BOTH LAUGHING)
LUKE: "Is this where the orgy is?" Who says "orgy"?
KEEGAN: You're so crazy!
We're gonna head inside and play a little fun pre-dinner game.
Uh, we don't... We don't play games. We're... We're adults.
Oh, my bad. Howie, turn on 60 Minutes.
Sorry, just ignore him. Tonight we are going to be game people.
What kind of game is it?
Oh, it's real low-stakes, real chill.
-No! What the fuck! -Are you kidding me?
-What is wrong with you? -Act the scene.
-Don't you even think about... -Do not pass on this icon.
(MIMICS MARISA TOMEI) "No. The defense is wrong!"
-"No. The defense is wrong!" -"No! The defense is wrong!"
-And Joe Pesci like, "How do you know?" -KEEGAN: And she goes, "I'm positive."
-LUKE: "I'm positive." -Penelope Cruz?
"My biological clock is ticking like this
"and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married."
-The deer with the little... Bam! -Come on!
-A bullet hits you in the head. -Rosie Perez?
-Oh, my God. -Almost respect you for saying her name.
-Bitch, who is this? -In the Bedroom nominee.
-WILL: Laura Dern? -LUKE: Yeah, we get it, you're gay.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
KEEGAN: Seriously? You couldn't get Marisa Tomei,
-but you got Alicia Vikander? -WILL: Told you I didn't wanna play.
LUKE: That's the problem with Hollywood.
It's people like you who forget about Marisa Tomei,
but they remember Alicia Vikander. Flop.
She was really great in Ex Machina.
You need to stay out of this, you.
Hey, do you wanna go get a drink?
Seems like this could go on for a while.
LUKE: Why do I care about Ex Machina?
-KEEGAN: Robot blobot. It don't matter. -LUKE: Can we stop?
God! I knew it would be bad, but I didn't think it'd be that bad.
Jesus, that guy is not good at games.
Yeah. (SCOFFS)
What is that? What's going on there? Did you guys used to fuck or something?
-Who? Me and Will? -Yeah.
Yeah, no, God. (LAUGHS)
No, guys like Will do not fuck guys like me.
Oh, right, I forgot. You're hideous.
I mean, everyone in his circle
is hot, or rich, or both.
But, um, his real issue was, um...
Okay, I'm just gonna be up front with you.
I sort of have an OnlyFans. It's just pictures of me.
I'm not trying to be a porn star or anything.
You don't have to do that.
You know, "sex work is work," and all that.
Well, for guys like Will, social gatekeepers, you know...
(SIGHS) It's a pretty big deal breaker.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Gay guys like that are ruining this island.
Yeah, but then again,
there are gay guys...
like you.
Yeah, I'm just another horny idiot.
Mm-hmm.
-I can work with that. -Yeah?
Yeah.
ERIN: Dinner is served.
(POPS TONGUE)
(DEX CLEARS THROAT)
So there I was, on my hands and knees in the middle of the Meat Rack
trying to use the light on my flip phone
-to scan this chick's pussy for crabs. -(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Erin, we're literally eating right now.
Wait, did she... Did she, you know...
She did, but it was so worth it.
Oh, you still went through with it?
She was one of the great loves of my life.
We dated for two years. We told everybody we met at Red Lobster.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Thank you so much for this dinner.
We don't usually eat this well when we're here.
Stop, you big flirt.
Oh, I'm serious. And it's not just the dinner, it's all of you. You're...
You're all so different than anyone I've ever met before.
I meant that in a good way.
Like, um, Will, you... You guys get it?
No, it's cool. We do take this week pretty seriously.
You know, that's why it's really gonna suck next year when we, uh...
You know...
-It's... -ERIN: Okay, enough of this talk.
Mm. You gotta forgive Noah.
He is the most sensitive of all of my boys.
I guess he cares about us a little too much.
Okay, who saved room for dessert?
-KEEGAN: I did. -LUKE: Yes, please.
The different girls will get dessert. Just the different girls.
Oh, fuck this. It's fine. I'm fine.
We still have a week.
Does anyone want a refill? Charlie?
(HOWIE BREATHING HEAVILY)
Come on.
-(NOAH LAUGHS) -Shut up, that did not happen.
Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I swear to God, that was his vibe.
Who cares? None of this matters unless you fucked. Did you fuck?
-We did not fuck. -(ALL GROAN)
Howard! I gave you uninterrupted access to our room for 27 minutes.
What the fuck were you doing?
Ten bucks says they were doing a puzzle.
Tell me you weren't doing a puzzle.
(GASPS)
-Yeah. -(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Twenty-seven minutes is not long enough to do a puzzle,
-or have sex, for that matter. -That's an episode of Chopped.
Do you need longer than an episode of Chopped to have sex?
Seriously. Spill. Did you make any progress?
Coming out was a mess.
My mom, she definitely took it a little bit better.
But my dad...
Only son and all that typical dad shit.
But that's why my friends...
You know, you find the family that can fill in the gaps.
(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Shut up! Get to the good part.
What?
You're just really smart
and funny,
and, um...
And...
(ALL CHEERING AND EXCLAIMING)
Was there tongue?
Okay, awesome.
So you've laid the groundwork perfectly to seal the deal tonight.
-But tonight's underwear party. -Yeah.
You take him into the dark room, get fucked, we all move on.
In the dark room? In front of everyone?
Why do you care so much?
Because I'm not getting laid until you do, and my blue balls are terminal.
Get laid, please. God. It's like your thing.
Plus, Dex seems like a lock.
Okay, you know what, I'm sorry, he flirts with all of us. So shut up.
I don't know why you guys don't think of me as more of a threat.
'Cause Dex was giving me eyes last night.
Me, too.
No, he wasn't.
Now you two salivating over a basic white guy again.
NOAH: Okay, whatever. Dex is great.
And fringe benefit, he really pisses off Will.
I think Will might be a little bit jealous.
NOAH: What?
-A little bit jealous. -Of who?
(SCOFFS) Can you stop?
What? I need the pump.
Maybe Will is jealous of Dex? Or you?
No. Dex gave me the download. Will thinks we're trash.
He might be a little bit more complex than that.
(SNICKERS) Who told you that? Charlie?
No, but also Charlie wouldn't be friends with a complete asshole.
Whatever. That guy is just another token Asian in a sea of white friends.
Way harsh, Tai.
I really think you might be wrong about this.
-LUKE: Keegan, did you paint on abs? -KEEGAN: I just did a little highlight.
HOWIE: I've got three roaches, two bags with maybe one bump between them,
and an old bottle of poppers.
I stole a couple of my brother's Adderall
and if you take it with half an edible, it's basically Molly.
I found this on the ground at Battle Hymn a couple weeks ago.
It could be Molly, or it could be, like, a probiotic.
Mm. Interesting. I've got half a bottle of G
and also a full bag of K that I got in Mexico.
-ALL: Oh! -I'm not doing drugs tonight.
-Okay. -I'll take that.
-Yeah, I'm gonna take... -None of you are gonna pressure me?
Well, you don't do drugs. That's not news.
Yeah, babe, we love you,
you're family to us, but we no longer believe we can make you fun.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Is it down in one? Or how do I...
-ERIN: Save some drugs for me. -No.
-Oh, hey, girl. -Hey.
-Sure you don't wanna come with us? -To Cherry Grove?
-You know I'm not allowed. -Seriously? That fire was ten years ago.
Lesbians never forget. Besides, I have so much to do here.
You'll have a good time. You don't need me.
-I'll be fine. -We love you.
I love you, too. I'll miss you, too.
I know, I know, I love you, miss you. I love you.
Don't forget to hydrate. So much to do.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(LUKE GROANS)
Cherry Grove is so far. We should've taken a water taxi.
Because Charlie said his house was taking a water taxi.
Girl, the water taxi is nine bucks per person.
Know how many water bottles we could get for that?
-One? -Exactly.
We'll take one when we go back.
It's better when you're fucked up anyway.
-Ah. -Oh.
NOAH: We're here. Okay, look alive, everybody.
This might be the last time we get to do this together,
so let's make it count.
Should we pray? I feel like we should pray.
I'm gonna get so fucked up tonight I forget my own name.
Amen.
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
NOAH: No week on Fire Island would be complete
if you didn't make an appearance at the underwear party.
It's the one party where everyone is invited.
The price of admission, just 20 bucks and a little bit of dignity.
Now, let's get in there.
-And get fucked up! -Yay! (LAUGHS)
ALL: Three, two, one.
Are you sure you should be taking Luke's floor pill?
We don't even know what it is.
Whatever. The world's gonna end in 15 years anyways.
I might as well go out in my underwear tonight. Right, guys?
-(LUKE WHOOPING) -(KEEGAN LAUGHING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Do you see Charlie?
No, but I have a lead.
-HOWIE: Let's go talk to him. -Do we have to?
He's not even wearing his underwear.
If you're gonna be at the party, be at the party.
Come on. Be nice.
Hey. Is Charlie with you?
-I think he's outside. -We should go outside then...
No, I'll go. You stay in case he comes back.
-That doesn't make any sense. -Yes, it does.
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
NOAH: So, this has to be the drugs, right?
Hi. Got a quick sec?
Yeah. Sure.
Sorry to pull you away, it's just...
I wanted to talk to you about something, and it's a little awkward.
No worries. What's up?
I wanted to talk to you about Will.
Oh. Okay. Why?
He's such a great guy, right? And, like, so rich.
He owns a huge house in the Hills. I think he comes from money.
He's got, like, that rich, prep-school kind of trauma,
that's why his voice is so deep.
Plus he's, like, kind of hot, right?
-Sure. -So, you do think he's hot?
NOAH: Damn it.
COOPER: It's crazy, right?
I'm not normally into like that kind of guy, but...
Like, an Asian guy?
Oh, my God, I did not say that. You said that.
Don't project that on me.
I actually really love that he's of a different culture.
Plus, I think his mom is white.
Uh, I'm so sorry. What are we talking about?
I just wanted to tell you, because you're a friend,
that, like, Charlie sort of brought Will here to hook up with me.
I'm moving to L. A. next year and I need a starter boyfriend.
And I saw you circling,
and I just wanna make sure things don't get awkward.
-Okay, hon? -I was not circling Will.
DEX: Hey. I was looking for you.
Um...
There is an emergency inside. It's medical. It's a medical emergency.
Oh, my God. Well, then I should go because I'm a nurse.
And, yeah, so I'm gonna go. But good luck with your little mission.
There's no medical emergency, right?
No, I was just thinking we could go absolutely nuts on the dance floor.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
I can't deal with these feels in my body
NOAH: Yeah, so, this is usually the moment
where I completely debase myself in a sweaty back room full of strangers.
But...
Wait. Have you seen Howie?
Don't be crazy. Charlie is a lock. Howie is happy.
Mission accomplished.
(GROANS) You know who else said that?
George W. Bush.
What?
NOAH: Confirmed. The drugs have definitely kicked in.
Fuck.
I got this.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Huh.
What's he looking for?
-Shit! -(GROANS)
Oh, fuck. I'm so sorry. Fuck. Let me see, let me see.
Oh.
Shit. How bad is it? What should I do?
In my professional opinion,
we need to shove a bunch of napkins up there.
Guys, if you wanna keep those jocks white, I would move. Get out of the way.
-Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? -I'm a little busy right now.
-Okay. Just be careful. -NOAH: What?
Dex is not a good guy.
-Why, because he has an OnlyFans? -What? No.
He doesn't have great things to say about you either.
Did I see you two naughty boys come out of the dark room together?
NOAH: Perfect.
It's so weird, Will, because he was just saying tonight
how he wasn't into you at all and now...
I didn't say that. I'm not, for the record, but...
Do my eyes look crazy?
My eyes look crazy. They're completely black.
No. They're fine... Actually, they are kind of weird.
What did you take?
I'm guessing he found some K.
Ketamine. Technically speaking, it's for horses.
-My God, is that Charlie? -NOAH: What?
Who the fuck is that?
And who is that? Is that me?
(GASPS) I'm gorgeous.
COOPER: That's Charlie's ex, Rhys.
We just flew him out this morning.
Well, I guess not "ex" anymore.
Yeah, Dex is the one I gotta watch out for.
I gotta find Howie.
-(CRYING) -Come on.
Um, you're gonna take this into the bathroom, fill it up,
and drink until you feel normal. Okay?
I am fine.
And smart.
And worth it.
Yes, baby, yes, you are. Now go hydrate.
(CRIES)
Hey. I found you.
Hey.
Ah.
I didn't even know I was lost.
(LAUGHS) Wow.
NOAH: MDMA. Molly.
Chemically impossible to have a bad night on it.
Even if you wanted to.
So, did you ever find Charlie?
-You saw him with that... -Oh, yeah.
That fucking Zac Efron-looking guy he's dry humping?
No, good for him. I love Neighbors 2.
It's the rare sequel that surpasses the original.
Are you okay?
I mean, you saw the guy. It's game over.
No. The night is young. You...
-Yeah, I can fuck anybody I want. -Oh.
-Let's get you off the ground, babe. -No, the ground is the new chair, baby!
Oh, fuck Charlie.
Next time, let's just stick to someone in my league.
-No, that's not... -Girl.
I just overheard some hot-ass people
talking about after kiki on Bay Walk.
And so many people going
that they not gonna know we wasn't invited.
Is he okay?
And that's G.
You do a little too much and you end up looking like, well, that.
Yeah, he fine. Can we go?
Yeah, we definitely need to get out of here.
You deal with that and I'm gonna go find Max.
Girl, what you doing? You gotta go to that party.
Okay. Okay.
(BOTH LAUGH AND CHEER)
KEEGAN: It's gonna be wild.
Max. Come on, Max, we gotta go.
What's a... Oh.
-MAN: Can I just shit in peace? -Shit.
At a party.
Hey.
If you're looking for your friends, they just got on a water taxi.
What? Those bitches. I'm the one without a phone.
I think it was the last taxi out and they panicked.
I told them I'd come find you.
I know where they're going,
we'd just have to cut through the Meat Rack.
Perfect.
You coming or what?
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck!
For somebody who reads so much, you have a very narrow vocabulary.
You're really boring, you know?
Because I don't speak like a 13-year-old?
No. Because you're rude, elitist, smug, hella judgmental...
You seem to have a lot of opinions about someone
you've only known for three days.
That's funny. You had a lot of opinions about me after what? Three hours?
-What're You talking about? -God, how did you put it?
"He's not hot enough to be that annoying"?
Did Charlie tell you I said that?
That's what you're concerned about?
-No, I'm sorry, I just... -No, Charlie didn't tell me.
Are you happy?
God, say what you will about me,
but you barely even met Howie before you and your crew
decided he wasn't good enough for Charlie.
And then to pull this shit. Literally airdropping in his ex from Manhattan.
That's psychotic.
I didn't have anything to do with Rhys coming here. That was Cooper.
I can't stand Rhys. For the record, I like your friend.
Anything I did, I was doing to protect Charlie.
Protect Charlie? From who? From Howie?
Have you met him? I should've been protecting him from all of you people.
"You people"? What do I have in common with any of them?
I've never met somebody who made it so clear, so immediately,
that they think they're so superior than everybody else.
First I thought it was because you were rich,
but it's actually deeper than that.
You think if you let everybody know how miserable you are being gay,
it'll make you less of a faggot than us.
I don't think I'm better than you.
-You don't have to, everybody else does. -Who?
The whole fucking world. Dude, look at us.
Okay, you're this big, rich, successful lawyer
who might as well be straight. And I'm not.
You are spectacular.
You think you've got the whole world figured out,
but all you're doing is assuming the worst.
Makes it easier for you. You expect everyone to reject you,
so when somebody comes along and actually does,
it doesn't hurt so much.
The reality is, Noah,
no one's thinking that much about you.
You know what, I don't give a shit what you think about me.
-Fuck! -Oh, shit. You okay?
I'm fine. I got this.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
What are you doing?
You hate me.
I... I have to go. I'm gonna go.
And maybe you should just...
You know what, do whatever you want.
(MUFFLED ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
DEX: Hey.
Oh, hey.
-What happened to you? -Uh, have you seen Howie?
I can't find Luke. I think he's falling out.
Is that news?
Well, we have to get him home.
Okay, go find Howie. I'll take care of this.
Thank you.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Howie?
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Okay, thank you. Worth a shot.
Hey, you will never guess what just happened to me.
You fell in a bunch of mud?
Uh, yeah. Do you wanna get out of here?
Actually, he was just about to leave with me.
-NOAH: Uh, no, he's not. -Jealous.
You know, I've got a big bed, room enough for three.
-Thanks. But we're gonna pass. -I'm not.
What?
Can you excuse us for a second?
-I need to talk to you upstairs. -HOWIE: What are you doing? What?
-What are you doing? -Exactly what you told me to do.
Not with that guy, though. Anybody but that guy.
-He's into me. -Yeah.
And he has, like, five anime tattoos. You said no settling, that is settling.
And you said this was supposed to make me feel good.
Well, guess what? I don't feel good. I feel really fucking bad right now.
But fucking some rice queen won't make you feel better.
-There are plenty of other guys... -For you!
For you, too!
No, stop it. Stop talking about this like we're the same!
But we are.
You and me. Fuck the rest.
No, stop!
You wanna feel so good so badly that you did all this.
And now you want me to feel good, too. Because you...
I don't know, you feel guilty? I don't really give a shit.
But stop pretending like you don't understand how the world works.
That's really unfair.
Fuck you.
(SIGHS SOFTLY)
NOAH: Don't tell anybody, but I think I might've fucked up.
-I cannot believe you left us there. -Wake up!
-How are you still sleeping? -MAX: I was out of my mind! Okay?
-KEEGAN: You still rolling, girl. -One at a time.
-Howie still isn't home. -Neither is Luke.
Thanks for your help last night. 'Cause now he's missing.
I swear, if something happened to him...
Like, we were making a podcast.
And this came for you.
What the fuck is this?
Oh, that horrible friend of Charlie's... What's his name? Wu? Womb?
Will? Is this a letter? What does it say?
We don't know. Max wouldn't let us read it.
Oh, okay. I'm gonna go read this inside.
Wait! Can you at least tell us what it says?
Please? Come on, we are so bored, girl.
WILL: "Hey. I know this isn't the ideal way to do this,
"but you don't have a phone at the moment,
"and I thought it might be best to do this sooner rather than later.
"So, let me say, sincerely,
"I'm sorry.
"For what I said that first night.
"For everything.
"Beyond that, I did wanna clarify one thing, about Dex.
"He's not the person he presents himself to be.
"I promise, my dislike of him has nothing to do
"with whatever he told you,
"and everything to do with what he did to someone I'm close to.
"Just know he is exceptionally good at hiding who he really is.
"I hope you can forgive me,
"and that maybe eventually we could even be friends.
"Sincerely, Will."
(SCOFFS)
What the fuck?
We have a situation.
What the fuck is he doing here?
He showed up saying he needed to talk to Howie.
They're in the one place that's impossible to eavesdrop on.
-NOAH: (SIGHS) When did Howie get back? -A little while ago.
Did something happen between you two?
I don't know. I think he... I think he blames me for that.
But I told him from the start, don't get sucked into one guy's orbit.
Especially that guy.
And I've been focused all week on him and his happiness and getting him laid.
And I didn't think it would solve all his problems,
but I thought I could make him feel hot and powerful for a week.
Is sex what makes you feel hot and powerful?
No. I'm hot and powerful, so I have a lot of sex.
I just thought I could reverse-engineer it a little bit.
But... I think I can still fix this. I just...
(SIGHS) I don't know. It's complicated.
"Complicated"? Please. Wanna know what I think...
Babe, I love you, but this is me and Howie. It's serious.
Oh. Fuck you. Listen.
I know you all think I'm some old, ridiculous burnout,
but I had a whole life before I met you, and it used to look a lot like yours.
I had lovers, and friends,
summers in Cherry Grove with lesbians my own age.
-And I thought I had it all figured out. -Babe, I know all your stories.
Yes, the fun ones. Not the ones where I fucked it up.
I tried to fix everyone, but what I was doing is, over time,
slowly pushing everyone I cared about out of my life.
Until my only friends were a group of boys half my age
who only put up with me because I have a house on Fire Island.
That's not true. We love you.
That's sweet. But you're missing the point.
Howie doesn't need anyone to fix him.
Not you, not this island, not anything.
He just needs a friend.
He'll be just fine. You'll see.
Oh, my God! My baby's drowning!
So Charlie's ex has Lyme disease?
-MAX: Seriously? -ERIN: Please.
KEEGAN: It's like that thing Yolanda Hadid has?
Yeah, he just found out. And, now, Charlie, you know...
Wants to be supportive because he says it's really serious.
NOAH: Oh, my God. That's clearly bullshit.
You saw that guy last night. He...
Yeah, Charlie probably made it up because he feels bad.
-No, that's not what I was gonna say. -What difference does it make?
(SCOFFS)
NOAH: I don't think so.
You just twist your blind a little bit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Leave the door ajar.
And let the whole salad bar hang out, honey.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So we brought sandwiches to the room...
-No microwave, honey. -Hey, weirdo.
You dropped your ice cream back there.
Oh.
I wasn't sure you'd want to see me.
So you ran away?
Returning the favor.
Very funny.
I got your letter.
I see. Uh...
-So are we... -Good?
We're good.
I am, however, a little pissed at your friend right now. Lyme disease?
You kidding me? Does he even like that guy?
I don't know. Can we... Can we talk about something else?
Sure. Let's talk about Dex.
You send me this weird letter like a Victorian ghost,
filled with all these vague details about the past.
It's not really my story to tell.
But look at this, and it'll give you a clearer picture
of the kind of person he really is.
He has an Instagram. What a villain.
Okay. So he has some thotty pictures.
But it doesn't make him a bad guy necessarily.
-Oh. -Just be careful.
You have to trust me.
Like we're friends or something?
Something like that.
-I'm not an easy guy to be friends with. -Shocking.
Oh, yeah, right. And you are?
DRAG QUEEN: 'Cause you know what? It's time for the dance-off!
I have a lot of friends, actually.
I'm a very fun-loving person.
-(CLICKS TONGUE) Really? -Yep.
Prove it.
I need some new blood though, honey. You come every single week.
-Good grief. -Over here!
-No. I... That wasn't... -You said you were fun. Be fun.
DRAG QUEEN: You, you.
-NOAH: Over here. -Honey, you had too many shots.
Yeah, very eager. Hey. Hi, gorgeous, come on up.
(IN SING-SONG VOICE) Hello!
Stand in line over here.
All right. So, what is your name?
Will.
Hi, Will. Everybody say hey!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
-Have you ever done a dance-off before? -No.
(LAUGHING)
Okay. Are you excited for the dance-off?
Yep.
(MIMICS ROBOT) "Yes, I'm excited."
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Okay.
DJ Max is gonna put on some music.
And you just, you know, shake your groove thing. Right?
-Y'all ready to see it? DJ, stick it in. -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) -Come on, everybody get sexy now.
Feel the beat. Okay, Will.
All right. Okay, get to the front. Let's see what you really got, honey.
All right, Will. Let's go.
Uh
Uh, uh
Get sexy. Ooh. Ooh.
(CHUCKLES) Get sexy.
Yeah. Okay, somebody's been studying!
Yes. That's right. Think Paula Abdul.
Yes, okay. Not RoboCop, Paula Abdul.
-(AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS) -(LAUGHS)
Oh, Will, babe. Okay, the '90s. Just straight up the '90s.
Okay. Yes, okay. West Side Story.
In the '90s. Okay!
Oh, Will!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Okay. Okay, oh, yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHS)
You got your eye on somebody. All right!
(SOFT INDIE MUSIC PLAYING)
-KEEGAN: Girl, come on. Tell us. -Not now. Later.
-But we wanna know now. -Stop!
-You were gone forever yesterday. -Stop.
-And no texts, nothing. -We thought you were dead.
-Okay. Well, I'm here now. Okay? -Well, who was it?
Who even says I was with someone?
Guys, remember when he got locked in that guy's bathroom for six hours?
Maybe he got locked in two different bathrooms. That's half a day.
Okay. Well, for your information, actually, I was with a guy.
-I knew it. -LUKE: Sorry, Noah.
Looks like I'm the hot one now.
(MAN SINGING ON STAGE)
-He got locked in a bathroom again. -Without question.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, ma'am, how long are you gonna be mad at me?
-Sir, I'm not mad at you. -This is the longest
you've not talked to me since I said Call Me By Your Name was boring.
I'm sorry it's not part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
-EMCEE: Next, we've got Howie! -What? No, I didn't...
-LUKE: We did. You have to. -No, I can't...
KEEGAN: Come on. It's tradition.
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hey! -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(AUDIENCE WHISTLING)
(AUDIENCE MEMBER 2 WHOOPS)
(SOMETIMES PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE MEMBER 2 WHOOPS)
You tell me you're in love with me
Like you can't take your pretty eyes away from me
It's not that I don't wanna stay
But every time you come too close I move away
-BOTH: Ooh -I wanna believe
In everything that you say
'Cause it sounds so good
ALL: But if you really want me Move slow
There's things about me you just have to know
Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right Be with you day and night
Baby, all I need is time
Just hang around and you'll see
There's nowhere I'd rather be
If you love me, trust in me
The way that I trust in you
MAN: We love you, girls!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
-(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) -(CHUCKLING) Shut up.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: I know all the words.
Sometimes I run
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right Be with you day and night
Baby, all I need is time
-AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: Give it to me! -(ALL CHEERING)
Come on, girls!
(SCREAMS)
(GASPING)
KEEGAN: Girl, what's the matter?
-More words, okay? -Luke!
-What's going on? -My poor Luke!
Poor me? What? Oh, my God.
Is that me?
What the fuck?
Fuck, is that Dex?
-Why are you in a video with Dex? -My friend Jonathan sent it to me.
Some guy named TJ screen-recorded it and sent it to Greg,
who recognized Luke, then sent it to Jonathan!
Probably half the cater-waiters on the Lower East Side have seen it.
There's not much to do between courses besides jerk off.
This is bad, that's my whole face.
Did he tell you he was gonna do that? If it was okay?
What do you think?
I don't know. I don't remember.
I was so fucked up I barely remember having sex with him.
This is not cool.
But I remember I woke up in the morning and he was there.
And we spent the whole day mostly fucking,
which I definitely consented to that.
And I thought the whole thing was kind of romantic until right now.
-NOAH: Give me that. -What are you gonna do?
Please don't do anything insane. Just have him take it down.
I don't want him mad at me, so don't be all Noah about it.
NOAH: I'm gonna kill him.
Sure.
-Luke, I'm so sor... -What the fuck! That is so fucked up!
You'll be happy to know you were right.
I'm gonna be honest. This feels like a trap.
-Why am I looking at pornography? -Look closer.
-I'm gonna kill him. -No, wait. I said that. That's my thing.
-Hey, what's up? -Fucking little shit!
-What the fuck? -Look familiar?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Okay. I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding, okay?
You don't get to be dry.
If you're pissed because I fucked your friend instead of you,
-the least you could've... -Nice try.
I'm pissed because you're a loser and a fraud who takes advantage of people.
He was willing. More than I can say for you.
He didn't know you'd put this online! That's...
WILL: A crime.
Without some sort of written waiver of consent,
this meets the criteria under New York state law for revenge porn.
Add in the illegal substances involved and you're looking at jail time,
a hefty fine, and registration as a sex offender.
-Hold on. We do not have... -Speaking with the victim,
I think we can resolve this matter right now.
How?
WILL: Delete the video on your phone and your website for starters.
Now.
WILL: I would make it my personal mission
to make sure these videos disappear forever.
And you have to delete your Instagram.
-What? No way! -I don't think we can make him do that.
If a judge saw the Instagram, they'd be on my side.
Fuck, just check his phone.
Awesome. We're done here.
-Those are waterproof now, you know. -Don't ruin this for me.
NOAH: Shut the fuck up! You made that up?
Some of it. Some of it was a little bit of an exaggeration.
Holy shit! You Legally Blonde'd him.
-Oh, my God. -Sorry, I don't know what that is.
You don't know what...
Oh, my God! We were having such a nice moment, and you had to ruin it.
(CHUCKLES)
Is that what you do in L. A.? Big trial lawyer like the...
No, I work for a nonprofit.
Mostly tenants' rights stuff, wrongful evictions.
Nothing sexy.
Yeah. Sure.
I'm just happy that I could help, you know?
Dex, he...
He's never really been concerned about enthusiastic consent.
Just... I couldn't do much last time.
My friend, he was embarrassed, I think,
and didn't want us to talk about it, so we didn't.
And Dex got to keep his image.
Yeah, well, people will talk about it now.
I've got a real big mouth.
I don't know how things work in L. A., but in New York,
we've ostracized people for way less.
That's something, at least.
Hey, um...
Seriously, thank you. I owe you one.
Time on Fire Island...
Sometimes it feels like it stretches on forever.
LUKE: Hey!
So, what happened?
I'll be up in a minute.
LUKE: Come on.
Sure you don't wanna come up?
Yeah, no, I'm not very good at parties. So...
-What? You're not good at parties? -Uh...
-Not Will! No. -All right.
-Not good at parties? What? -Calm down. (CHUCKLES)
So I pushed him in the pool,
and he looked up at me and said, "I love you."
And I said, "You don't know what love is."
And then I realized, "You're ugly."
Can't believe you're letting him tell your story.
Yeah, I think this is just his way of processing things.
Where did Will go?
Why would I know that?
You don't have to do this. You don't have to worry about me.
You can fuck whoever you want.
Okay, that is definitely not what I am looking for.
And by the way, I'm not done worrying about you.
If I hadn't pushed you, literally pushed you, then...
I told you, I'm fine with the Charlie of it all.
-And honestly... -Are you talking about me?
No. We're talking about our other friend Charlie.
He died in a fire.
It's really sad.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
-Ignore him. Did you have fun? -(CHUCKLES)
I did. Yes. We don't usually go to karaoke.
Just the parties. So, I was glad that you showed it to me before Rhys...
Choo-choo, where's my vodka soda? Baby's thirsty.
Uh...
Sorry, you guys don't know each other. Rhys, this is Howie and Noah.
Oh, my God, cute. Boyfriend twins! It's like looking in a mirror.
CHARLIE: Sweetie, they're not boyfriends.
Come on, let's go in and dance.
(WHISPERING) I'm horny, okay?
CHARLIE: I'll see you guys later?
-COOPER: Later, hons. -CHARLIE: Bye.
Yeah, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and scrub my eyeballs out.
Yeah, probably a good plan. Hey.
(BOTH MOUTHING)
You know what? Actually, let's do it later.
No. We're doing it now.
-Hey. -Hey.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hey. Um...
How are you doing?
Look, you did not have to do that for me before.
Especially for me,
'cause I'm such a bitch to you all the time.
I know we're friends, but things are obviously different...
It's not even that we're friends, Luke. We're more than that.
We're family, right? Like, that means something to me.
Because you two and...
All you guys, you're, like, all I have.
Whatever. Are we gonna hug and wrap this up? How does this end?
Why don't we get fucked up and dance?
Come on. You're gonna be okay.
LUKE: Oh, I am?
-Are we gonna hug? -NOAH: No.
(GRUNTS)
What are you doing?
Don't be mad.
Howard.
I can't do it. I can't stay and see him...
Or see them together like that.
Oh, my God. You cannot end your vacation because of one guy.
It's not just about Charlie. It's a lifetime of Charlies.
I'm 30 and I've never had a boyfriend. I've never been in a relationship.
-I've never... -We've been through this.
Monogamy was created by straight people to make us less interesting.
Yeah, I've heard your TED talk. Listen. Please.
Okay.
You're the only person I know
who understands how shitty it can be sometimes
to feel unwanted like this.
And I'm so glad that you've found a way to feel good
despite all the fucked-up shit we deal with.
But you think that if you're vulnerable for just one second,
that it's all gonna come crashing down.
And maybe that's true for you, but it's not true for me.
I want to be vulnerable.
Even if it hurts.
Your rules, they don't work for me.
And honestly, I don't know that they're working for you either.
So let me be sad about this,
and deal with it and figure it out my own way.
Yeah, but my way you get to cum a bunch.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna masturbate so much when I get home.
What the fuck... (SIGHS)
When are you leaving?
Five o'clock ferry.
Oh, my God, you couldn't even stay for one last sunset?
This is the last time we're gonna be in our home together.
Our friendship isn't just limited to this island.
You know, you've never come to visit me in S. F.
I'm not flying Spirit for you, bitch.
(SCOFFS)
(SNIFFLES)
-Does Charlie know? -No.
Probably give me another pity conversation.
And at this point, it would make me feel even more pathetic.
Or he could,
you know, do one of those pre-9/11 rom-com moves,
you know, where somebody rushes through an airport
and stops you from getting on the plane.
And then, you kiss and it's awesome.
I thought you didn't want the rom-com bullshit for me.
Babe, all I want is for you to be happy.
Always.
Promise me you won't tell Charlie.
I promise.
Charlie!
I mean, you had to see that coming, right?
-Can we help you? -Help me? Yeah.
You could get a new fucking line, Braden. Jesus.
Wait, he's leaving? Why?
Do you need a hint?
Okay. Fair. Um, look, the timing of this is just really shitty.
-Fuck the timing. Go and stop him. -It's not that simple.
I've known Rhys since before I came out, and I owe him.
Listen, I get it. I get your whole nice guy schtick, all right?
But you have the chance at something real with Howie.
Something great. I don't really get it.
But what the fuck do I know? I've been wrong before.
I've been wrong a lot.
This week, especially, about people and situations and...
Stuff, okay? Maybe I was even wrong about you.
Maybe you're not the idiot that I thought you were.
Prove me wrong. Go and do something,
because if you fuck this up, it's game over.
-You won't get another shot. -COOPER: What are you doing?
-CHARLIE: Howie's leaving. -COOPER: Jesus. Are we still on this?
Nobody wants to fuck your friend.
Wait. You think Charlie likes that little Asian guy?
-Rhys. -I mean, come on. He's joking, right?
-You're the Amy Schumer one? -Enough.
-RHYS: But... -CHARLIE: I said, enough.
-What is wrong with you? -Yeah, I think I get the gist.
-Noah, I'm sorry. -You know what's funny?
I am the only person this week
who stopped to consider whether you deserved him.
You were right about this place.
I'm sorry. What is happening?
It's just not right.
-HOWIE: You'll barely notice I'm gone. -Not true.
(SIGHS) Where's Noah?
Probably taking one of Max's little walks in the Meat Rack.
For your information, I'm looking at constellations.
Oh, sweetie, give it a rest.
We all know you're getting your ass ate in the dunes.
NOAH: Sorry. Sorry.
You know me. Always late for the ferry.
Are you sure this is how you wanna go?
Yeah. I am.
Promise I'll come visit you.
Okay.
(FERRY BLOWS HORN)
Why does this feel like... Like the last summer here, like, ever?
'Cause it is, stupid. (KISSES)
Couldn't last forever.
Some things have to change.
Feels like all the wrong stuff is changing.
So, what's our plan?
To sort of stand here sadly in the direct sun all day, or...
You couldn't even give us a minute.
I know Howie. He would not want us to sit here and mope on the dock.
He would want us to do bumps of K by the pool.
-So let's go. -Fuck!
Did he get on? Did I miss him?
-What the fuck are you doing here? Hi. -Hey.
-I thought I could stop him. -You fucked that one up, buddy.
-He's halfway to the mainland by now. -So what should I do? Should I call him?
If you wanted to fix this, you'd have to do something really big,
something colossally stupid.
Okay.
I'm not sure I know what that means.
I have an idea. Follow me.
NOAH: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
Something big. Something stupid.
I don't think I wanna be implicated in this.
-(CLICKS TONGUE) Ah. Come on. -(SIGHS)
ALL: (SHOUTING) Howie!
Howie! Howie! Howie!
(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Don't look over there. Look over here.
-What am I gonna say when I get there? -You'll figure it out.
(SIGHS)
NOAH: Whatever you do, stay on the dock.
HOWIE: I have a 6:15 train.
NOAH: I have a feeling you'll wanna hear this.
HOWIE: Okay, but why all the flags?
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Did you steal a water taxi?
We did. Yeah. There's a really angry lesbian on there.
Uh, look, I need to say that I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry for everything.
It's fine, Charlie. I'm fine.
No, it's not. Everything with Rhys, I...
I wasn't thinking.
I thought that I had to...
It doesn't matter what I thought. I was wrong.
Okay, Charlie, this is your big rom-com moment.
You gotta do something big. Something stupid.
I love you.
-ALL: Oh! -No. Too big. Too stupid. Dial it back.
HOWIE: Yeah, it's a little weird.
-We're not really there yet. -Yeah. Okay. All I'm trying to say is...
I don't know why this is so hard.
I gotta catch my shuttle or I'll miss my train.
No, wait. Okay, look...
I just need you to know
how fucking incredible I think that you are.
You are the most interesting man I have ever met,
and the funniest, and you're beautiful.
And I really, really like you.
I just wanted you to know that before you left.
And Noah said a bunch of stuff...
Oh, Jesus, please don't ever, ever listen to Noah.
Now you tell me.
You actually stole a boat for me?
I actually stole a boat for you.
(ALL CHEERING)
Okay, can we go to Cherry Grove now?
We will get there when we get there.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
NOAH: This whole time we were so worried about the house,
but it's never been about the house.
It's always been about the people.
We'll be fine.
We'll make new memories.
But when I look back on the years
I got to spend with my family on Fire Island...
This is what I'll remember.
(INAUDIBLE)
(NOAH BREATHES DEEPLY)
Today was a lot.
(BOTH LAUGH)
WILL: Yeah.
All that drama for what? Somebody you met five days ago.
Yeah, 'cause, I mean, what happens now?
Howie goes back to S. F., the Pines bubble bursts.
Then six months from now, they'll probably just be...
In love.
Maybe even happy.
Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right.
(CHUCKLES)
You know, I think that's what Howie always wanted out of these trips.
Come out here, meet some vacation boyfriend.
Lug him back to the real world.
What about you?
What do you want?
You know, it's so weird, I...
My whole life, I felt like I've had everything figured out,
everybody,
and then I come out here and I just keep getting thrown, you know?
It's like, God, have I been wrong about everything this week?
It feels longer, doesn't it? It's like time works...
It just works differently here.
Does that sound crazy?
Little bit.
What about you? What do you want?
You probably want some gay marriage nightmare.
Joint Instagram accounts, a French bulldog.
God, no! It's...
I don't think monogamy is for me.
Yeah. I mean, same.
And I don't really like dogs.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay. So, what do you want?
I want that.
All right. You asked me what I wanted.
-Dance with me. -What?
You've already run away from me once this week.
I don't know if my pride could handle it if it happened again.
-Will. -Noah.
Listen, I just, um... I really like my freedom.
That's like a big thing with me.
And I just, I'm doing really, really, really well on my own
and the whole falling-in-love-with-romance thing
is really stupid. And, of course, we'd have great sex.
I mean, look at us. But the... I'm not right for you.
And you're definitely not right for me and it...
Hey, it's just a dance.
Yeah, but then what?
Guess we'll find out.
Okay.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(SLOW DISCO MUSIC INTRO PLAYING)
'Cause when I'm bad, I'm so, so bad...
HOWIE: Excuse me. I need a moment with my sister.
-Of course. -(BOTH LAUGH)
(DISCO MUSIC TEMPO QUICKENS)
(ALL CHEERING AND WHOOPING)
ALL: Do it!
(ALL CHEER AND LAUGH)
(VOCALIZING)
-NOAH: Guys. Look alive. It's happening. -ERIN: Oh!
-LUKE: Okay. -NOAH: All right.
ALL: Ten! Nine! Eight!
Seven! Six! Five!
LUKE: Five!
ALL: Four!
Three!
Two!
One!
One-point-five.
-One-point-five. -One-point-five.
One.
Point nine, point eight,
point seven, point six, point five, point four, point three...
(ALL CHEERING)
NOAH: Oh, my God. Flawless countdown.
-KEEGAN: She does the job every day. -NOAH: You're welcome, everyone.