1
00:00:00,677 --> 00:00:01,512
This one's sore.

2
00:00:01,978 --> 00:00:03,847
Just at the top.

3
00:00:03,847 --> 00:00:06,517
- Most of the top.
The heel feels good now.
- [spits]

4
00:00:08,585 --> 00:00:12,956
Um, did you get up early
and take baby back
to her house?

5
00:00:12,956 --> 00:00:14,525
Yeah, we went...

6
00:00:15,526 --> 00:00:17,461
Had to get the kids up
and had breakfast

7
00:00:17,461 --> 00:00:18,962
and took Nash to school.

8
00:00:18,962 --> 00:00:22,333
Came back and hung out
with Danny until he went
to his little dance class.

9
00:00:22,333 --> 00:00:25,636
- 6:00 a.m.
- What are you,
a great dad or something?

10
00:00:25,636 --> 00:00:27,771
Yeah, man.
I put myself second.

11
00:00:29,406 --> 00:00:30,574
Look into it.

12
00:00:32,176 --> 00:00:34,044
- Hmm.
- What are you eating already?

13
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:37,881
<i>Smart</i>

14
00:00:38,415 --> 00:00:39,283
<i>Less</i>

15
00:00:42,886 --> 00:00:43,854
<i>♪ Smart ♪</i>

16
00:00:44,555 --> 00:00:45,389
<i>♪ Less ♪</i>

17
00:00:59,203 --> 00:01:00,304
- [Jason] Hi.
- [air hostess] Hey.

18
00:01:00,304 --> 00:01:02,439
- [Jason] How are you doing?
- [air hostess] Hey.

19
00:01:02,439 --> 00:01:04,441
- [Will] Hi.
- [air hostess] Hi.
Good morning.

20
00:01:04,441 --> 00:01:07,278
- [Jason] Did you have
a civilian job of any sort?
- Many.

21
00:01:07,278 --> 00:01:08,979
He was a fucking
baggage handler.

22
00:01:08,979 --> 00:01:09,946
I was a baggage handler.

23
00:01:09,946 --> 00:01:10,847
- [Sean] You were?
- Yeah.

24
00:01:11,715 --> 00:01:13,650
Also, I planted trees.

25
00:01:13,650 --> 00:01:15,252
I love that.
That's pretty cool.

26
00:01:15,252 --> 00:01:17,454
Seven cents a tree.
Not a joke.

27
00:01:17,454 --> 00:01:21,425
We camped. You'd have these,
like, bags with seedlings.

28
00:01:21,425 --> 00:01:23,760
Packed with hundreds of them,
and you go out,

29
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:26,096
and you just go, "Six feet."

30
00:01:26,197 --> 00:01:27,364
Dig a hole.

31
00:01:27,364 --> 00:01:30,201
[grunts] Six feet.

32
00:01:30,201 --> 00:01:34,205
We were like, "Oh, I need to
plant 3,000 today in order
to make any money."

33
00:01:34,205 --> 00:01:36,006
- You wouldn't do 3,000...
- [Will] Yeah, of course.

34
00:01:36,006 --> 00:01:38,375
- In one day?
- Of course. Every day.

35
00:01:38,375 --> 00:01:40,944
- Wow.
- And then, I also replaced
water main

36
00:01:40,944 --> 00:01:42,979
and sewage pipe in
Winnipeg, Manitoba.

37
00:01:42,979 --> 00:01:44,215
[Jason] Huh?

38
00:01:44,215 --> 00:01:46,983
- Wow, that sounds smelly.
- [Will] Yeah.

39
00:01:46,983 --> 00:01:48,852
I did that for, like,
four or five months.

40
00:01:48,852 --> 00:01:50,787
- It's like,
all hard labor jobs.
- Yeah.

41
00:01:50,787 --> 00:01:52,823
[Jason] Was this type of work

42
00:01:52,823 --> 00:01:55,292
a deliberate thing
from your parents?

43
00:01:55,292 --> 00:01:57,894
No, they were all jobs
where if you just did 'em

44
00:01:57,894 --> 00:01:59,563
and you didn't do anything
else for a couple of months,

45
00:01:59,563 --> 00:02:01,232
you could save up
a lot of money.

46
00:02:01,232 --> 00:02:04,968
- No, but--
- I couldn't make that kinda
money going to waiting tables.

47
00:02:04,968 --> 00:02:07,238
Right. I guess,
my bigger question is,

48
00:02:07,238 --> 00:02:08,772
- you grew up--
-"Was it punishment?"

49
00:02:08,772 --> 00:02:10,641
[Jason] No, no.
But you grew up in...

50
00:02:10,641 --> 00:02:11,975
I don't want
to call you privileged,

51
00:02:11,975 --> 00:02:13,810
- but you certainly were.
- I was.

52
00:02:13,810 --> 00:02:16,280
But you doing
working class work

53
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,882
in a privileged house

54
00:02:18,882 --> 00:02:21,718
is different than certainly
the American culture.

55
00:02:21,718 --> 00:02:24,054
So, is that just
Canadian culture?

56
00:02:24,054 --> 00:02:25,889
- Was it deliberate
on your parents part?
- No.

57
00:02:25,889 --> 00:02:28,325
I think it's Canadian culture.
It's not unusual for...

58
00:02:28,325 --> 00:02:31,127
for university students to go
tree planting.

59
00:02:31,127 --> 00:02:33,830
There's a sense of, like,
giving back and the sense
of obligation,

60
00:02:33,830 --> 00:02:37,468
again, to create something
bigger than yourself.

61
00:02:37,468 --> 00:02:40,671
And I will say,
working those jobs,
as much as they sucked,

62
00:02:40,671 --> 00:02:43,574
did give me a real
understanding of, like,

63
00:02:43,574 --> 00:02:45,342
A, I don't want
to do this forever.

64
00:02:45,342 --> 00:02:48,445
So, I better get
my shit together.

65
00:02:48,445 --> 00:02:50,614
And B, the perspective
it gives you

66
00:02:50,614 --> 00:02:52,115
when you fucking get...

67
00:02:52,115 --> 00:02:54,951
I'm like, "Everything
else is easy." Like...

68
00:02:54,951 --> 00:02:56,353
- [Sean] Yeah.
- When people complain
you're like,

69
00:02:56,353 --> 00:02:58,154
-"Shut the fuck up."
- Right.

70
00:02:58,154 --> 00:03:02,025
I did not have
a civilian job...

71
00:03:02,025 --> 00:03:05,362
[chuckles]

72
00:03:05,362 --> 00:03:07,831
No, I started at ten

73
00:03:07,831 --> 00:03:10,401
- doing <i>Little House.</i>
- Wow. Isn't that wow?

74
00:03:10,401 --> 00:03:14,037
Yeah. I can't imagine
growing up on sets
and going to school

75
00:03:14,037 --> 00:03:16,139
- and so, it's just bizarre.
- [Will] Yeah.

76
00:03:18,141 --> 00:03:19,410
[Jason] If you could
wiggle your nose

77
00:03:19,410 --> 00:03:22,546
and have your career be
exactly where you want
it to be,

78
00:03:22,546 --> 00:03:23,914
where would that be?

79
00:03:23,914 --> 00:03:26,350
This seems like such
a road answer, but it's true.

80
00:03:26,350 --> 00:03:28,952
I just want to do
stuff that's fun.

81
00:03:28,952 --> 00:03:31,555
And I want to be able to have
more time with my family.

82
00:03:31,555 --> 00:03:35,592
So, acting more than producing
or vice versa?

83
00:03:35,592 --> 00:03:38,729
I think a balance.
I like to do a little bit
of everything.

84
00:03:38,729 --> 00:03:41,465
You're just staying employed,
staying active.

85
00:03:41,465 --> 00:03:43,900
- No big goal
you're looking to attain.
- [Will] No.

86
00:03:43,900 --> 00:03:46,202
My goal is to be happy.
That's it.

87
00:03:46,202 --> 00:03:48,972
That and having longevity
and staying employed

88
00:03:48,972 --> 00:03:51,041
is an enormous accomplishment.

89
00:03:51,041 --> 00:03:53,076
After <i>Arrested Development,</i>
I did a bunch of stuff

90
00:03:53,076 --> 00:03:55,346
that didn't pan out the way
I wanted to

91
00:03:55,346 --> 00:03:56,980
and I was disappointed.

92
00:03:57,448 --> 00:03:59,215
It took a moment.

93
00:03:59,215 --> 00:04:03,887
But I totally re-jiggered
what success means to me.

94
00:04:04,821 --> 00:04:07,458
And when I stopped

95
00:04:07,458 --> 00:04:11,127
tying my self worth
to what I do for a living,

96
00:04:11,127 --> 00:04:12,463
changed everything.

97
00:04:12,463 --> 00:04:14,164
I've been thinking
about that on this trip.

98
00:04:14,164 --> 00:04:17,368
'Cause I've been watching
what you're doing as a father

99
00:04:18,101 --> 00:04:20,637
even when you're out of town.

100
00:04:20,637 --> 00:04:25,208
I'm like, I can squeeze in
being a better dad

101
00:04:25,208 --> 00:04:26,643
and be less selfish.

102
00:04:26,643 --> 00:04:28,845
And just watching the way
that you're doing it,

103
00:04:28,845 --> 00:04:30,747
I'm... I'm really envious.

104
00:04:30,747 --> 00:04:32,683
Look, I'm really lucky
to have--

105
00:04:32,683 --> 00:04:36,520
I got so shocked that any time
you had, you were out the door
with what...

106
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:37,521
- It's amazing.
- [Will] Yeah.

107
00:04:37,521 --> 00:04:39,390
- 'Cause I know
how precious it is.
- Yeah.

108
00:04:39,390 --> 00:04:43,193
And then, it's gone. I'm lucky
in that my parents were...

109
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,228
and are awesome.

110
00:04:45,228 --> 00:04:46,863
And I can hear
my parents' voices

111
00:04:46,863 --> 00:04:48,532
saying, "This is what
you need to do.

112
00:04:48,532 --> 00:04:49,433
Go and do this."

113
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:51,702
"I wanna do this." "Too bad."

114
00:04:52,803 --> 00:04:54,671
So many times growing up,
"Well, I'd like to..."

115
00:04:54,671 --> 00:04:57,073
"Too bad. It's not just you.

116
00:04:57,073 --> 00:04:59,209
There are bunch of other
people in this family.

117
00:04:59,209 --> 00:05:00,444
It's about a group.

118
00:05:00,444 --> 00:05:01,745
And you gotta do what's good
for the group."

119
00:05:01,745 --> 00:05:03,714
And that was fucking always

120
00:05:04,147 --> 00:05:05,616
drilled into me.

121
00:05:05,616 --> 00:05:07,418
I had such
a different upbringing.

122
00:05:07,418 --> 00:05:09,686
I mean, you know,
my parents were great.

123
00:05:09,686 --> 00:05:12,122
But was very, very,

124
00:05:12,122 --> 00:05:16,527
very... everybody
was sort of given
independent responsibility.

125
00:05:16,527 --> 00:05:18,695
- Mmm.
- [Jason] Plus, my mom
was a flight attendant.

126
00:05:18,695 --> 00:05:20,664
- Gone two weeks
of every month.
- [Will] Right.

127
00:05:20,664 --> 00:05:22,833
We used to have this thing,
it's kind of a joke
in our family,

128
00:05:22,833 --> 00:05:23,967
but it was an actual rule.

129
00:05:23,967 --> 00:05:25,335
Which was, Sunday night,

130
00:05:25,436 --> 00:05:27,438
- nobody in, nobody out.
- That's cool.

131
00:05:27,438 --> 00:05:30,040
So, it meant, no friends over
for dinner and you can't
go anywhere.

132
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,342
Sunday night was family,
it was home.

133
00:05:32,443 --> 00:05:35,145
I'm only using this
comparison because
of the business we're in,

134
00:05:35,145 --> 00:05:39,182
but, you know, for as long
as people have been
making content,

135
00:05:39,182 --> 00:05:41,051
we've been trying
to figure out
what makes something funny,

136
00:05:41,051 --> 00:05:42,285
what doesn't make
something funny

137
00:05:42,285 --> 00:05:43,954
And at some point,
you just kinda have to give up

138
00:05:43,954 --> 00:05:45,656
and just do what you believe.

139
00:05:45,656 --> 00:05:48,224
And I think I'm making
a comparison to parenting,

140
00:05:48,224 --> 00:05:49,259
which is like,

141
00:05:49,259 --> 00:05:51,127
for as long as we live,
we try to figure out,

142
00:05:51,127 --> 00:05:54,164
"Maybe this works. Or maybe
I need to do less of this
or more of this.

143
00:05:54,164 --> 00:05:56,467
- Right.
- [Sean] People...
You can drive yourself crazy

144
00:05:56,467 --> 00:05:57,734
trying to analyze.

145
00:05:57,734 --> 00:06:00,170
So, you kinda just have to be
like, "This is how I parent?"

146
00:06:00,170 --> 00:06:02,539
What was the dynamic
in your house?

147
00:06:02,539 --> 00:06:05,709
- All jokes aside--
- [Sean] My father
was really nurturing.

148
00:06:05,709 --> 00:06:07,077
He really raised me.
[chuckles]

149
00:06:07,077 --> 00:06:08,945
No. But how old were you
when your dad left?

150
00:06:08,945 --> 00:06:11,582
Five years old. My mom raised
five of us by herself.

151
00:06:11,582 --> 00:06:13,316
Right. So, what was
that dynamic

152
00:06:13,316 --> 00:06:15,118
at home for dinner time?

153
00:06:15,118 --> 00:06:17,087
It was absolutely chaos
all the time.

154
00:06:17,087 --> 00:06:20,223
- It was whenever you can grab.
- Was it sit-down dinner? No?

155
00:06:20,223 --> 00:06:22,225
It was a lot of TV dinners
and microwave.

156
00:06:22,225 --> 00:06:25,228
But it was kind of
a grab bag and you just...
everybody for themselves.

157
00:06:25,228 --> 00:06:27,130
- Was your mom home when
you got home from school?
- No.

158
00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:29,165
- She was working
one of two jobs.
- [Sean] Yeah.

159
00:06:29,165 --> 00:06:31,401
She opened a food bank
and she sometimes would

160
00:06:31,502 --> 00:06:33,169
bring some of that food
home for us.

161
00:06:33,169 --> 00:06:34,337
- [Will] She would?
- Yeah.

162
00:06:34,337 --> 00:06:35,672
But a lot of the times--

163
00:06:35,672 --> 00:06:37,674
- Because she was struggling
to make ends meet.
- Yeah, for sure.

164
00:06:37,674 --> 00:06:40,010
But in high school,
I remember,

165
00:06:40,010 --> 00:06:42,746
I almost never
ate breakfast or lunch.

166
00:06:42,746 --> 00:06:44,080
Jason didn't either.

167
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:45,949
- [all chuckling]
- But for different reasons.

168
00:06:45,949 --> 00:06:47,684
So, everybody
would be eating lunch,

169
00:06:47,684 --> 00:06:49,853
but I didn't have money
to get lunch.

170
00:06:49,853 --> 00:06:51,955
So, I would just be like,
ho-hum, ho-hum.

171
00:06:51,955 --> 00:06:55,125
And then, some people would be
like, "You wanna have...

172
00:06:55,125 --> 00:06:56,760
You wanna come over here?"
I was like, "Sure."

173
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:58,161
I felt so, you know...

174
00:06:58,161 --> 00:07:00,363
so embarrassed and like...

175
00:07:00,531 --> 00:07:02,265
you know, so gross.

176
00:07:03,033 --> 00:07:04,901
[Jason] After you
got successful,

177
00:07:04,901 --> 00:07:07,170
did your father try
to come back into your life?

178
00:07:07,170 --> 00:07:09,405
Yeah. Yeah, he's a bus driver.

179
00:07:09,405 --> 00:07:10,440
- [Will] Where?
- For children.

180
00:07:10,541 --> 00:07:12,375
So, he's happy

181
00:07:12,375 --> 00:07:14,377
to spend time with kids,
not just his own.

182
00:07:14,377 --> 00:07:16,780
[all laughing]

183
00:07:16,780 --> 00:07:18,448
When was the last time
you spoke to him?

184
00:07:18,549 --> 00:07:21,752
Probably 2001 or 2002
or something like that.

185
00:07:21,752 --> 00:07:23,954
I said to my sister,
Tracy, I'm like,

186
00:07:23,954 --> 00:07:25,589
"Let's go see dad."

187
00:07:25,589 --> 00:07:27,558
She goes, "Why?" I go,
"'Cause I wanna know...

188
00:07:27,558 --> 00:07:31,094
I don't know any...
I don't know him.
I don't know anything.

189
00:07:31,094 --> 00:07:33,730
So, we went to this bar,
of course 'cause he was
an alcoholic.

190
00:07:33,730 --> 00:07:35,465
And you could tell
he's really nervous.

191
00:07:35,566 --> 00:07:37,601
Right away I said,
"Why did you leave?"

192
00:07:37,601 --> 00:07:39,603
- [Will] Really?
- Yeah. And he goes--

193
00:07:39,603 --> 00:07:41,304
"'Cause of questions
like that."

194
00:07:41,304 --> 00:07:44,975
- [all chuckling]
-"Check please."

195
00:07:44,975 --> 00:07:47,110
I said, "Why did you leave?"
My sister kicked me
under the table.

196
00:07:47,110 --> 00:07:50,380
And I go...
"Well, I didn't come to

197
00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:52,649
ask him to play catch."
You know?

198
00:07:52,649 --> 00:07:57,253
And so, his backstory which I
found out later was...

199
00:07:58,321 --> 00:08:02,626
He was raised by
a massive alcoholic

200
00:08:02,626 --> 00:08:05,228
who actually
did die, literally,

201
00:08:05,228 --> 00:08:06,863
in the gutter on the street

202
00:08:07,363 --> 00:08:08,498
from alcoholism.

203
00:08:08,599 --> 00:08:11,001
And then, his mom
broke both her hips.

204
00:08:11,001 --> 00:08:14,504
Had to put him and his sister
in an orphanage,

205
00:08:14,605 --> 00:08:16,072
'cause nobody was there
to raise him.

206
00:08:16,072 --> 00:08:18,408
And then, he went into
the army right away.

207
00:08:18,408 --> 00:08:22,178
He never got a chance
to be a young person.

208
00:08:22,178 --> 00:08:24,915
Like, screw around, go drink,
party, have fun.

209
00:08:24,915 --> 00:08:27,651
So, of course he did it
after he got married
and had five kids.

210
00:08:27,651 --> 00:08:30,721
So, it was like, what?
My dad has since stopped

211
00:08:30,721 --> 00:08:32,889
reaching out since
we started the podcast.

212
00:08:32,889 --> 00:08:35,025
Because you think he's heard

213
00:08:35,025 --> 00:08:37,127
- you talking about...
Oh, really?
- Probably.

214
00:08:37,628 --> 00:08:38,629
Do you care?

215
00:08:38,629 --> 00:08:41,064
I feel badly about always
talking about him.

216
00:08:41,064 --> 00:08:42,966
But at the same time,

217
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,369
you could make an effort
and say...

218
00:08:46,369 --> 00:08:48,772
"Holy shit.
Boy, did I screw up.

219
00:08:48,772 --> 00:08:50,707
I am so sorry."

220
00:08:50,707 --> 00:08:54,244
But I don't think he has
the wherewithal to do that.

221
00:08:54,244 --> 00:08:56,446
I've always taken your
lightness about it,

222
00:08:56,446 --> 00:08:58,181
your freedom to talk about it,

223
00:08:58,181 --> 00:09:01,217
the way that you're
good natured about it as...

224
00:09:02,018 --> 00:09:04,154
not that you're
laughing at him

225
00:09:04,154 --> 00:09:05,789
or angry at him,

226
00:09:05,789 --> 00:09:08,524
it's a declaration of all
the work you've done yourself

227
00:09:08,524 --> 00:09:09,826
to be good with it

228
00:09:09,826 --> 00:09:12,495
- and recognize
the absurdity of it all.
- That's exactly right.

229
00:09:12,495 --> 00:09:13,697
That's exactly right.

230
00:09:13,697 --> 00:09:15,799
And as my grandfather,
Bill Palk, used to say,

231
00:09:15,799 --> 00:09:18,434
- if you didn't laugh,
you cry.
- Absolutely.

232
00:09:18,434 --> 00:09:21,437
And he had such the same
sort of approach that you do,
which like...

233
00:09:21,437 --> 00:09:22,939
- [Jason] "What are you
gonna do?"
-"What are you gonna do?"

234
00:09:22,939 --> 00:09:24,574
- You gotta keep
looking forward.
- Yeah.

235
00:09:25,676 --> 00:09:27,778
Well, Sean, I have to say,

236
00:09:27,778 --> 00:09:30,714
you remind me and make me
feel like it's okay

237
00:09:30,714 --> 00:09:33,049
to be the part of me
that I'm most proud of.

238
00:09:33,049 --> 00:09:34,317
Ah, I love that.

239
00:09:34,317 --> 00:09:36,152
What a beautiful thing to say.

240
00:09:36,152 --> 00:09:40,290
It's such an incredible,
unbelievable feeling
of acceptance.

241
00:09:40,290 --> 00:09:42,225
Because if you're a gay man,

242
00:09:42,225 --> 00:09:45,495
you spend your life made
to feel like you need to
apologize for who you are.

243
00:09:45,495 --> 00:09:49,165
And kind of taking care
of other people's feelings

244
00:09:49,165 --> 00:09:53,303
about the awkwardness
they may feel about you.

245
00:09:53,303 --> 00:09:55,706
So, you constantly have to
take that one step and go,

246
00:09:55,706 --> 00:09:57,573
"No, no, no. I don't want
to have sex with you.

247
00:09:57,573 --> 00:09:59,209
It's okay.
You can't catch it."

248
00:09:59,209 --> 00:10:01,544
You're constantly like,
caretaking, caretaking.

249
00:10:01,544 --> 00:10:03,847
And then, you reach a point
where you're just like,
"I can't do it anymore."

250
00:10:03,847 --> 00:10:07,083
Let me just say this,
if you weren't gay,
you'd be so boring to me.

251
00:10:07,083 --> 00:10:10,053
[all chuckling]

252
00:10:10,053 --> 00:10:12,655
No, I think you're right.
I can't imagine what that

253
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:16,092
would be like to have that
as a thing that's always
there gnawing at you.

254
00:10:16,092 --> 00:10:17,260
Every day.

255
00:10:17,260 --> 00:10:18,528
- [Will] Yeah.
- Yeah.

256
00:10:18,528 --> 00:10:20,496
"Can I say this, can I do
this, can I have that?"

257
00:10:20,496 --> 00:10:22,565
And then you go,
"Ah, I'm just
gonna be myself."

258
00:10:22,565 --> 00:10:23,934
Can I ask you this?
How old were you

259
00:10:23,934 --> 00:10:26,369
when you came out to
your family or your mom?"

260
00:10:26,369 --> 00:10:27,938
[Sean] 18.

261
00:10:27,938 --> 00:10:29,672
I remember my oldest brother

262
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:33,777
was in the next room when I
was in the living room
or the family room

263
00:10:33,777 --> 00:10:37,247
and through the kitchen
through the wall,
he just goes.

264
00:10:37,247 --> 00:10:39,415
"I know you're gay.
It's cool."

265
00:10:39,415 --> 00:10:41,351
- And I was like, "Awesome."
- [Will] No way.

266
00:10:41,351 --> 00:10:42,585
- Wow.
- [Sean] Yeah.

267
00:10:42,585 --> 00:10:46,289
When did you actually first
cognizantly go, "Oh, I'm gay."

268
00:10:47,390 --> 00:10:48,391
Like, 11.

269
00:10:49,459 --> 00:10:50,560
What was the moment?

270
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:53,296
- Probably the
<i>Hogan Family</i> or...
- Oh, my God!

271
00:10:53,296 --> 00:10:55,031
It's so ripe
for so many jokes...

272
00:10:55,031 --> 00:10:57,033
We're having such
a real conversation

273
00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:58,902
- and I have so many jokes.
- [Jason] Thousand.

274
00:10:58,902 --> 00:11:01,838
- Just thousands of jokes
that I wanna say.
- Please.

275
00:11:01,838 --> 00:11:03,073
What I could have said,

276
00:11:03,073 --> 00:11:05,776
-"When did you know?
Blowing that dude?"
- [all chuckling]

277
00:11:05,776 --> 00:11:07,944
- [Jason] That was an easy one.
- Right, that's the easy one.

278
00:11:07,944 --> 00:11:09,679
No, it was when I had
two in my mouth.

279
00:11:09,780 --> 00:11:11,181
[Will] Two really
sealed the deal.

280
00:11:11,181 --> 00:11:13,817
I love you so much.
It must have been
such a huge part of your--

281
00:11:13,817 --> 00:11:16,119
Yeah, I think it was scary.

282
00:11:16,119 --> 00:11:17,954
I remember my mom wrote me,

283
00:11:17,954 --> 00:11:19,455
on legal size paper,

284
00:11:19,455 --> 00:11:22,192
both sides,
some 15-page letter about,

285
00:11:22,192 --> 00:11:23,659
you know,
"You're going to hell.

286
00:11:23,659 --> 00:11:24,961
I can't believe
you're doing this.

287
00:11:24,961 --> 00:11:27,063
- [Will] Really?
- The family.
And then, I'm like...

288
00:11:27,063 --> 00:11:29,699
I said to her face and go,
"Great. I don't have a dad
or a mom now."

289
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,202
And then, that's when
I kinda felt, and I was 18.

290
00:11:32,202 --> 00:11:34,070
And I was like, "Well,
I guess, I'm on my own."

291
00:11:34,070 --> 00:11:37,207
The survival thing kicks
into further gear

292
00:11:37,207 --> 00:11:39,509
because even before that
you're in survival gear

293
00:11:39,509 --> 00:11:40,911
just 'cause of the way
we were raised.

294
00:11:40,911 --> 00:11:44,480
So, I've never ever, ever
stopped being in
survival mode.

295
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,416
That's why I'm cleaning,
I'm doing...

296
00:11:46,416 --> 00:11:48,151
I gotta make sure
of everything.

297
00:11:48,151 --> 00:11:50,720
You know what I mean?
It's like, or else I don't
know what will happen.

298
00:11:50,821 --> 00:11:52,856
Because nobody else has got it

299
00:11:52,856 --> 00:11:54,657
- for you.
- Yes. That's exactly right.

300
00:11:54,657 --> 00:11:56,592
- [Will] So, you gotta get it.
- That's exactly right.

301
00:11:56,592 --> 00:11:57,660
That's exactly right.

302
00:11:57,660 --> 00:11:59,695
If I don't do it--

303
00:11:59,695 --> 00:12:02,732
- I have felt like that
since I was ten.
- Really?

304
00:12:02,833 --> 00:12:03,834
[Jason] Well, yeah.

305
00:12:03,834 --> 00:12:06,402
I definitely could have
done without

306
00:12:06,402 --> 00:12:09,072
the massive anxiety

307
00:12:09,072 --> 00:12:13,009
I had every time there was
a big grading period
in school.

308
00:12:13,009 --> 00:12:16,612
Because if you don't have
a work permit, you can't work.

309
00:12:16,612 --> 00:12:20,083
And that work permit needs to
get renewed every six months.

310
00:12:20,083 --> 00:12:22,853
- Based on?
- Based on your
grades at school.

311
00:12:22,853 --> 00:12:23,954
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

312
00:12:23,954 --> 00:12:26,022
And being
on a television series

313
00:12:26,022 --> 00:12:28,258
year after year after year
after year,

314
00:12:28,258 --> 00:12:30,760
if your work permit
gets revoked,

315
00:12:30,861 --> 00:12:32,262
you have to get written off
the show

316
00:12:32,262 --> 00:12:33,964
and if you are the lead
on the show,

317
00:12:33,964 --> 00:12:35,531
the show falls apart.

318
00:12:35,531 --> 00:12:39,135
- A lot of pressure.
- So, not only would we not
have any money at the house.

319
00:12:39,135 --> 00:12:40,603
All those people
are out of work.

320
00:12:40,603 --> 00:12:43,673
So, studying
for mid-terms and finals,

321
00:12:43,673 --> 00:12:47,110
starting in seventh grade
and all the way
through 12th...

322
00:12:47,110 --> 00:12:48,411
You felt that stress
and pressure.

323
00:12:49,645 --> 00:12:52,949
- Massive, crippling stress.
- Wow, dude!

324
00:12:52,949 --> 00:12:54,017
[Sean] But wait.
That's what I'm asking--

325
00:12:54,017 --> 00:12:55,351
I never even
thought about that.

326
00:12:55,351 --> 00:12:58,288
- That's insane.
- You don't have like,

327
00:12:58,288 --> 00:13:00,490
any kind of resentment
about the fact that

328
00:13:00,490 --> 00:13:03,259
you had to carry that stress
and pressure.

329
00:13:03,259 --> 00:13:06,963
No. Because my parents were
trying as hard as they could.

330
00:13:06,963 --> 00:13:08,764
- Were they strict?
- Oh, yeah.

331
00:13:09,432 --> 00:13:10,433
Very, very strict.

332
00:13:10,433 --> 00:13:13,736
- About?
- About like, curfew and--

333
00:13:13,736 --> 00:13:16,372
So funny. I had this idea
of you being, 17

334
00:13:16,372 --> 00:13:19,709
- and marauding around
Los Angeles.
- [Jason] Yeah.

335
00:13:19,709 --> 00:13:22,545
Fucking doing rails
on Coldwater Canyon.

336
00:13:22,545 --> 00:13:25,248
- Yeah.
- I've always been
a people pleaser.

337
00:13:25,248 --> 00:13:27,717
I've never been a,
"Oh, fuck 'em,"

338
00:13:27,717 --> 00:13:30,286
you know, I gotta make
myself happy and that's it.

339
00:13:30,286 --> 00:13:32,222
Although, I am pretty good
about, you know,

340
00:13:32,222 --> 00:13:33,924
taking care of number one.

341
00:13:33,924 --> 00:13:36,659
- [chuckles]
- [Jason] I think the thing
that kept me from imploding

342
00:13:36,659 --> 00:13:39,495
was the healthy level
of concern about

343
00:13:40,296 --> 00:13:42,298
what people would think of me.

344
00:13:42,298 --> 00:13:44,334
You know, first and foremost,
my parents.

345
00:13:44,334 --> 00:13:47,637
Do you feel like because

346
00:13:47,637 --> 00:13:51,474
you did as a kid and as a teen
and as a young man,

347
00:13:51,474 --> 00:13:53,009
work so much in TV

348
00:13:53,009 --> 00:13:55,745
- and you felt that people
didn't respect what you did.
- [Jason] Yes.

349
00:13:55,745 --> 00:13:57,213
Certainly you... Yeah.

350
00:13:57,213 --> 00:14:00,750
I'm not chasing that.
I don't have some
self-loathing about, you know,

351
00:14:00,750 --> 00:14:02,385
what I did was
not respectable.

352
00:14:02,385 --> 00:14:03,819
Then, now it is.

353
00:14:03,819 --> 00:14:06,156
I'm not distracted by that.

354
00:14:06,156 --> 00:14:08,959
But I do really
try to every day

355
00:14:09,859 --> 00:14:12,963
continue to do things

356
00:14:12,963 --> 00:14:16,032
that allow me to feel
proud of myself.

357
00:14:16,032 --> 00:14:17,433
I love that. That's great.

358
00:14:17,433 --> 00:14:19,335
So, Sean, what about you?
Where do you see yourself?

359
00:14:19,335 --> 00:14:21,571
- What do you wanna do?
- [groans] Hey, man.

360
00:14:21,571 --> 00:14:23,739
[groans] Thanks. Oh, boy.

361
00:14:24,975 --> 00:14:26,076
If you can't be real,

362
00:14:26,076 --> 00:14:27,978
I hate the way you joke around
all the time.

363
00:14:27,978 --> 00:14:29,479
[laughs]

364
00:14:36,987 --> 00:14:38,754
- Welcome home, Sean.
- Thank you.

365
00:14:38,754 --> 00:14:40,823
This is exciting. Chicago.

366
00:14:43,626 --> 00:14:45,996
So, about a mile that way

367
00:14:45,996 --> 00:14:47,563
was a dinner theater

368
00:14:47,563 --> 00:14:51,267
and my mom had tickets to
<i>Fiddler On The Roof.</i>

369
00:14:51,267 --> 00:14:52,702
She didn't wanna not use them,

370
00:14:52,702 --> 00:14:55,871
so the day I was born,
she left the hospital

371
00:14:55,871 --> 00:14:58,274
to go see <i>Fiddler On The Roof</i>
in that theater.

372
00:14:58,274 --> 00:14:59,609
Left me in the hospital.

373
00:14:59,609 --> 00:15:01,011
[Will] No way.

374
00:15:01,011 --> 00:15:02,912
[Jason] Yeah. So, she just
cinched up the diaper
and went.

375
00:15:04,247 --> 00:15:06,216
I was the fifth one.
That was probably
why she like...

376
00:15:06,216 --> 00:15:08,151
"You guys got this? Great."

377
00:15:08,151 --> 00:15:10,220
[Jason] You can't ask
for better care.

378
00:15:10,220 --> 00:15:11,721
[Sean] No, my mom
is the best mom ever.

379
00:15:11,721 --> 00:15:14,390
The end of the story on
the plane about the letter
that she wrote about

380
00:15:14,390 --> 00:15:15,625
when after I came out.

381
00:15:15,625 --> 00:15:17,160
I didn't really finish it,
but, you know,

382
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:19,562
she did a 180 in like...

383
00:15:19,562 --> 00:15:21,797
You know, it was like,
I was her favorite then.

384
00:15:21,797 --> 00:15:24,134
- [Will] Yes.
- Once she became educated.
You know?

385
00:15:24,134 --> 00:15:25,535
[Will] How long
did it take her?

386
00:15:25,535 --> 00:15:26,702
Couple of years.

387
00:15:32,242 --> 00:15:33,376
[Will] Yeah, this is nuts.

388
00:15:33,376 --> 00:15:35,945
[whistling]

389
00:15:47,057 --> 00:15:49,359
[Will] This is crazy. Settled.

390
00:15:49,359 --> 00:15:50,726
And then, this is the kitchen.

391
00:15:50,726 --> 00:15:51,661
[Sean] Is this you here, Will?

392
00:15:51,661 --> 00:15:52,528
[Will] That's me.

393
00:15:54,564 --> 00:15:56,132
Wow. Crazy.

394
00:15:57,733 --> 00:15:59,069
- [Will] Wow!
- That's the kitchen.

395
00:15:59,069 --> 00:16:00,836
Wait, how do you get
to JB's room?

396
00:16:00,836 --> 00:16:03,806
Around this way.
Come follow me. Thanks.

397
00:16:03,806 --> 00:16:07,510
- So, that's your--
- It's almost like you've never
been in the Peninsula suite.

398
00:16:07,510 --> 00:16:09,779
[Jason] So, this is where
I'll be staying.

399
00:16:09,779 --> 00:16:12,115
I'll be sleeping, I have
a big decision to make

400
00:16:12,115 --> 00:16:13,749
whether I'm gonna be
on this bed or that bed?

401
00:16:13,749 --> 00:16:15,085
- Maybe I'll switch throughout
the night.
- Okay.

402
00:16:15,085 --> 00:16:16,819
So, this is JB's room.

403
00:16:16,819 --> 00:16:18,321
So, we go this way.

404
00:16:18,321 --> 00:16:20,090
By the way, guys...
Oh, well, it's done.

405
00:16:20,090 --> 00:16:21,824
So, thank you
for the nice room.

406
00:16:21,824 --> 00:16:23,093
No, this is your town.

407
00:16:23,093 --> 00:16:24,560
- No, I know.
- I wish you were
getting two nights here.

408
00:16:25,661 --> 00:16:28,264
- I know, really.
It's only for one night.
- I know.

409
00:16:28,264 --> 00:16:29,665
- [Sean] And this is yours.
- [Will] Yeah.

410
00:16:29,665 --> 00:16:31,667
- And there's a little kitchen.
- Wait, where's
the little kitchen?

411
00:16:31,667 --> 00:16:33,136
- [Will] We missed it.
- Oh, we missed it.

412
00:16:33,836 --> 00:16:35,271
It's right there.

413
00:16:35,271 --> 00:16:37,307
This takes me usually like,

414
00:16:37,307 --> 00:16:39,609
three and half, 3:40 to clean.

415
00:16:39,609 --> 00:16:41,877
[Sean chuckles]

416
00:16:41,877 --> 00:16:43,446
- Hey, Jay.
- [Jason] Hi.

417
00:16:43,446 --> 00:16:46,116
[Sean] You got your Skinny Pop
and think! bars in here.

418
00:16:46,116 --> 00:16:48,684
Jay, wait till you see
the think! bars in here.

419
00:16:48,684 --> 00:16:50,920
You're gonna be doing so much
thinking on the can.

420
00:16:51,554 --> 00:16:53,889
[all chuckling]

421
00:16:53,889 --> 00:16:55,191
- Where are they?
- [Will] Yeah.

422
00:16:55,891 --> 00:16:57,127
Your Skinny Pop.

423
00:16:57,127 --> 00:16:58,594
Skinny Pop and think! bars.

424
00:16:58,594 --> 00:17:02,965
- Nothing builds a plug like
a think! bar and a Skinny Pop.
- [all chuckling]

425
00:17:02,965 --> 00:17:05,368
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my Jesus!

426
00:17:05,368 --> 00:17:08,037
- [glass breaking]
- Mazel tov.

427
00:17:11,296 --> 00:17:13,165
[crowd noises]

428
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:22,641
What if Sean's cards,
all they said was,

429
00:17:22,641 --> 00:17:25,277
"Hi, I'm Sean. Hi, I'm Sean."

430
00:17:25,277 --> 00:17:26,745
[Sean laughs]

431
00:17:26,745 --> 00:17:28,581
- [Will] "Hi, I'm Sean."
- Card after card.

432
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:30,448
[Will] Card after card.
"Hi, I'm Sean."

433
00:17:30,448 --> 00:17:35,253
[Will and Sean chuckle]

434
00:17:35,253 --> 00:17:37,055
15 minutes to showtime.

435
00:17:37,055 --> 00:17:39,157
- Hmm?
- 15 minutes.

436
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:42,695
You need to throw up?

437
00:17:43,929 --> 00:17:45,664
No, I don't...
[imitates barfing]

438
00:17:45,964 --> 00:17:46,832
Uh...

439
00:17:47,332 --> 00:17:48,466
What you got, Todd?

440
00:17:48,466 --> 00:17:50,135
[Todd] Welcome to Portillo's.

441
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:53,639
[gasps] We can't mow this down
right now. Right?

442
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:54,506
Hi.

443
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:56,609
Howdy.

444
00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,611
- [Todd] Chocolate shake.
A shake beer.
- Root beer.

445
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:01,614
- All diet cokes.
- Chocolate cake shake there.

446
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:03,481
- Yup.
- Chocolate cake here
instead of fries.

447
00:18:03,481 --> 00:18:05,117
He's obsessed with
the cake shake, Jason.

448
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,019
Who got the root beer?

449
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,455
Have we got a seven-year-old
on the crew?

450
00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:14,727
Look what I'm doing.

451
00:18:21,466 --> 00:18:23,636
- You think this
is a good idea?
- [Sean grunts]

452
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:30,643
My kingdom for a paper towel.
Am I right?

453
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:35,047
[slurps]

454
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,715
I'm guessing you need
a spoon for these.

455
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:39,652
Oh, here.

456
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,259
[Jason] Beef with cheese,
I think it's

457
00:18:47,259 --> 00:18:50,028
- Michonne, is it not?
Did you want cheese on yours?
- [Sean] No.

458
00:18:50,028 --> 00:18:52,297
[Will] There's root beer.
We got root beer.

459
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:53,398
- You?
- [Sean] Yeah.

460
00:18:53,398 --> 00:18:55,433
[Will] It's been a lot
of buildup. Here we go.

461
00:18:56,735 --> 00:18:58,671
This is where I judge you.

462
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:02,675
I'm supposed to put
the cheese sauce on it?

463
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:03,709
I've never done that.

464
00:19:06,578 --> 00:19:08,380
Uh, that's what Will did.

465
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,183
Seany, you happy?

466
00:19:11,183 --> 00:19:12,517
I'm the happiest.

467
00:19:12,517 --> 00:19:13,819
- [Will] Are you?
- Mmm-hmm.

468
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:16,288
- [Will] This is your
happy space. Right?
- Oh, my God.

469
00:19:16,288 --> 00:19:17,589
You're in Chicago.

470
00:19:18,356 --> 00:19:19,925
You're having Portillo's.

471
00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:24,262
The Sox won, the Cubs won,
the Bears won.

472
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,233
- That will change your life.
- [Jason] Yeah.

473
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:30,769
I keep wanting to put this
down, but it's good.

474
00:19:35,573 --> 00:19:38,410
[Sean] Thank you
for being here.
It means the world to us.

475
00:19:38,410 --> 00:19:41,413
I will be burping Portillo's
throughout the night.

476
00:19:41,413 --> 00:19:42,547
[Jason] Do you want me
to throw up

477
00:19:42,547 --> 00:19:44,049
- some of my Gasex
in your mouth?
- [burps]

478
00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,519
No, no. Gross. Gross.
And by the way,

479
00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:50,055
Sean thought it would be
a good idea for all of us
to have

480
00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:52,190
like, these
beef sandwiches and...

481
00:19:52,190 --> 00:19:54,827
- and chocolate--
- Chocolate cake shake.

482
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:56,028
[Will] Chocolate cake shake.

483
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:57,562
[crowd cheering]

484
00:19:57,562 --> 00:19:58,997
[Will] Before the show,

485
00:19:58,997 --> 00:20:02,400
and Jason who hasn't had
anything but a salad
for the last, you know,

486
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,202
four and a half years,

487
00:20:04,202 --> 00:20:05,871
it's tough on your system.

488
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:09,074
[chuckles] I might need
a stitch later.

489
00:20:09,074 --> 00:20:10,275
[crowd laughing]

490
00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:12,878
[Sean] I wanna share
a couple of stories

491
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:14,713
from my childhood,
since I grew up here.

492
00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:15,781
[crowd clapping]

493
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,082
[Sean] Forgive me
if you've heard this,

494
00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:20,518
but I can't remember how
much of my mom's eye
I told you about.

495
00:20:20,518 --> 00:20:21,754
[chuckling] Yeah!

496
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,889
No, bless it.

497
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,457
[Sean] At two-years-old,
my mom had cancer,

498
00:20:25,457 --> 00:20:27,625
so she had one of her eyes
taken out.

499
00:20:27,625 --> 00:20:30,028
Then, she had the five kids,
my dad left.

500
00:20:30,028 --> 00:20:31,429
You know that story...
when I was five

501
00:20:31,429 --> 00:20:32,697
and then, my mom raised
all five of us.

502
00:20:32,697 --> 00:20:34,632
No, they remember
all these hilarious stories.

503
00:20:34,632 --> 00:20:36,268
[all laughing]

504
00:20:36,268 --> 00:20:40,205
He didn't really leave,
he put it in drive
and punched it.

505
00:20:40,205 --> 00:20:41,573
[all laughing]

506
00:20:41,573 --> 00:20:43,141
- Yeah.
- It was a tire screech.

507
00:20:43,141 --> 00:20:44,743
- [crowd laughs]
- Okay, so...

508
00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:46,378
[all laughing]

509
00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:50,048
I love how much joy you get
out of your own pain.

510
00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:51,483
- If you don't laugh, you cry.
- [Will] Yeah.

511
00:20:51,483 --> 00:20:53,886
- [Jason chuckles]
- So, when I became
a tiny bit successful,

512
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:56,789
I was like, "Mom, I wanna buy
the house that we grew up in

513
00:20:56,789 --> 00:20:57,756
and the one next to it.

514
00:20:57,756 --> 00:20:59,291
And on the other side,
knock all three down

515
00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:00,793
and build your house
and that's what I did.

516
00:21:00,793 --> 00:21:01,894
Which was fantastic.

517
00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:03,361
She deserved it.

518
00:21:03,361 --> 00:21:05,197
- Tore our entire family apart.
But anyway...
- [crowd laughs]

519
00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:06,698
[Sean] She comes in the door

520
00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:08,366
and she cries her eye out.

521
00:21:08,366 --> 00:21:11,970
- [all laughing]
- [Sean] She's touching
everything. She's like,

522
00:21:11,970 --> 00:21:15,841
"Oh, my God. Nobody has done
anything like this for me
in my entire life.

523
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:17,810
I don't know if I would have
picked out that couch."

524
00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:20,645
[all laughing]

525
00:21:20,645 --> 00:21:21,713
And that's my mom.

526
00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:24,382
- [Will] Yeah!
- [crowd cheering]

527
00:21:24,382 --> 00:21:27,719
My sister brought a gift
for you guys today.

528
00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:30,555
- Oh, my God!
- Please let it be the eye.

529
00:21:30,555 --> 00:21:33,425
- No! [chuckles]
- Oh, my God!

530
00:21:33,425 --> 00:21:35,527
You can't see this,
but it's an eye.

531
00:21:35,527 --> 00:21:37,095
[crowd gasping]

532
00:21:37,095 --> 00:21:38,063
That's my mom's eye.

533
00:21:38,063 --> 00:21:39,731
- Is this really
your mom's eye?
- Yes!

534
00:21:39,832 --> 00:21:41,867
[crowd laughs]

535
00:21:41,867 --> 00:21:43,235
[Sean laughs]

536
00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:45,203
I brought it back to Chicago.

537
00:21:45,203 --> 00:21:47,405
- [Will] Oh!
- [crowd cheering]

538
00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:50,843
- [Will] Oh!
- I'm curious.

539
00:21:50,843 --> 00:21:52,077
[crowd gasping]

540
00:21:52,077 --> 00:21:54,179
It has no odor whatsoever.

541
00:21:54,179 --> 00:21:56,048
- It's a glass eye.
- It's a very pretty eye.

542
00:21:56,048 --> 00:21:59,017
She looks like, when she got
fitted for this, she may have
been a little stoned.

543
00:21:59,017 --> 00:22:00,618
[all laughing]

544
00:22:00,618 --> 00:22:02,855
Or finished a long lap
in a pool.

545
00:22:02,855 --> 00:22:04,089
[Sean chuckles]

546
00:22:04,089 --> 00:22:05,290
Well, not my Mom. Nope.

547
00:22:06,324 --> 00:22:08,526
Anyway, for my guest tonight,

548
00:22:08,526 --> 00:22:11,997
I wanted to get someone
who has some Chicago roots.

549
00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:15,100
He was in the original cast
of <i>The Real Live Brady Bunch
back in the '90s</i>

550
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:16,701
which was one of the funniest
things ever I ever saw.

551
00:22:16,701 --> 00:22:20,038
He's since appeared in parts
alongside Will Ferrell
in <i>Elf, Talladega Nights.</i>

552
00:22:20,038 --> 00:22:22,540
- And even appeared one of my
all-time favorite TV shows
- Oh, my God!

553
00:22:22,540 --> 00:22:24,142
- that has its name
in the title.
- It's Andy.

554
00:22:24,142 --> 00:22:26,511
Now, he may not have
had his own talk show

555
00:22:26,511 --> 00:22:28,513
with his own name
in the title. Yet...

556
00:22:28,513 --> 00:22:29,514
- But he's
the biggest reason...
- Richter?

557
00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:30,682
- [Sean] Conan O'Brien did.
- Richter.

558
00:22:30,682 --> 00:22:32,484
[Sean and Will]
It's Andy Richter!

559
00:22:32,484 --> 00:22:35,287
[all cheering]

560
00:22:35,287 --> 00:22:36,354
[Will] Andy!

561
00:22:37,389 --> 00:22:38,891
Hi.

562
00:22:38,891 --> 00:22:41,226
[Jason] How nice of you to
come out here and join.

563
00:22:41,226 --> 00:22:43,461
Speaking of jewelry, have you
seen Sean's new jewelry line?

564
00:22:43,461 --> 00:22:45,230
[all laughing]

565
00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:48,733
- Oh, wow!
- [Will] Yeah,
it's nice. Right?

566
00:22:48,733 --> 00:22:50,702
- Dandy.
- Yeah. Wait, wait, wait.

567
00:22:50,702 --> 00:22:51,904
[Jason chuckles]

568
00:22:51,904 --> 00:22:53,171
Do you ever jerk-off
in front of this?

569
00:22:53,171 --> 00:22:55,307
[all laughing]

570
00:22:55,307 --> 00:22:57,575
[Will] Answer him.

571
00:22:57,575 --> 00:23:00,578
I mean, it's a natural...
We were were all thinking it.

572
00:23:00,578 --> 00:23:01,947
[all laughing]

573
00:23:01,947 --> 00:23:04,482
- [Jason] So gross.
- Wait. When was the last time
you were here?

574
00:23:04,482 --> 00:23:06,084
Thanksgiving.

575
00:23:06,084 --> 00:23:09,087
Nothing says winter
cozy holiday

576
00:23:09,087 --> 00:23:10,455
than Chicago.

577
00:23:10,455 --> 00:23:11,756
- [Will] Right.
- And the suburbs of it.

578
00:23:11,756 --> 00:23:13,825
I just... fantasized
about that.

579
00:23:13,926 --> 00:23:17,229
'Cause you know, it's like,
79 on Christmas in LA.

580
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:19,064
It's like, you wanna
blow your brains out.

581
00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:20,265
- Yeah.
- [Sean] I know.

582
00:23:20,265 --> 00:23:21,299
It's 79--

583
00:23:21,299 --> 00:23:23,601
These unbelievable
coastal elites. Right?

584
00:23:23,601 --> 00:23:27,105
- I mean...
- [crowd laughs]

585
00:23:27,105 --> 00:23:29,307
You didn't grow up...
I mean, you weren't
born here--

586
00:23:29,307 --> 00:23:31,343
No. I grew up in Yorkville.

587
00:23:31,343 --> 00:23:33,145
- Okay.
- Yorkville!

588
00:23:33,145 --> 00:23:34,746
- [crowd cheering]
- Yeah!

589
00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:38,283
I got the fun thing
of after being out
of the house for two years,

590
00:23:38,283 --> 00:23:39,817
got to move back home.

591
00:23:39,817 --> 00:23:42,020
- [Will] Uh-oh.
- Oh, man!

592
00:23:42,020 --> 00:23:44,089
- [kisses]
- [all laughing]

593
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:45,657
What was the first
big problem?

594
00:23:45,657 --> 00:23:47,125
Was it bringing a girl home?

595
00:23:47,125 --> 00:23:49,962
- Was it your--
- That wasn't that big
of a problem.

596
00:23:51,196 --> 00:23:52,497
- [all chuckling]
- [Will] Dude!

597
00:23:52,497 --> 00:23:53,765
- It should be.
- [Will] Dude!

598
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:56,134
Did they find your bong?

599
00:23:56,134 --> 00:23:59,437
No, no. It's just my family...

600
00:23:59,437 --> 00:24:01,006
And they're here,
they'll attest.

601
00:24:01,006 --> 00:24:02,507
They're really annoying.

602
00:24:02,507 --> 00:24:04,376
[all laughing]

603
00:24:04,376 --> 00:24:07,179
- One asshole after another.
- [all laughing]

604
00:24:07,179 --> 00:24:10,015
You're maybe one
of the quickest people
ever of all time.

605
00:24:10,015 --> 00:24:12,985
But that's like 'cause
of improv. Improv Olympics.

606
00:24:12,985 --> 00:24:14,987
I was in Improv Olympics
which is Del Close

607
00:24:15,620 --> 00:24:17,222
you know, school of improv.

608
00:24:17,222 --> 00:24:18,856
- [Jason] Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, there we go.

609
00:24:18,856 --> 00:24:20,558
What event did you excel in?

610
00:24:20,558 --> 00:24:22,594
- Being fucking funny.
- [crowd laughs]

611
00:24:22,594 --> 00:24:24,129
- [Will laughs]
- [Andy] Yeah.

612
00:24:24,129 --> 00:24:27,632
So, how did you and Conan meet
and how did that happen?

613
00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:31,369
Ah... We arranged lunch
in Los Angeles

614
00:24:31,369 --> 00:24:32,904
at Junior's Delicatessen.

615
00:24:33,005 --> 00:24:34,872
Was it just to be friends
or was there?

616
00:24:34,872 --> 00:24:36,708
No, this was to get a job
as a writer on the show.

617
00:24:36,708 --> 00:24:38,743
Oh, you think it was a date?

618
00:24:38,743 --> 00:24:40,012
Well, I don't know. I mean,

619
00:24:40,012 --> 00:24:42,114
- they're both handsome
as always.
- Obviously.

620
00:24:42,114 --> 00:24:45,750
- [Jason] You know?
- We were spooning in a booth.

621
00:24:45,750 --> 00:24:48,020
[Will] You guys did so many
unbelievable sketches.

622
00:24:48,020 --> 00:24:51,023
Every day, were you like,
"Fuck yeah. I'm so psyched
to go in there

623
00:24:51,023 --> 00:24:52,790
and do these bits and work
on this show."

624
00:24:52,790 --> 00:24:55,327
- No.
- Great. Good Night.

625
00:24:56,094 --> 00:24:58,096
No. I mean, you know...

626
00:24:58,096 --> 00:25:00,132
How long was the day for you?

627
00:25:00,132 --> 00:25:02,200
10:00 a.m. and usually
leave around midnight.

628
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,736
The fuck would you do
for 14 hours.

629
00:25:04,736 --> 00:25:06,504
It's a one-hour show.

630
00:25:06,504 --> 00:25:08,506
Well, when I got hired,
I was a writer.

631
00:25:08,506 --> 00:25:10,842
You know, I was on the show,
too, in the beginning.

632
00:25:10,842 --> 00:25:13,878
- Look at how tired
he is thinking about it.
- [Jason groans]

633
00:25:13,878 --> 00:25:14,912
[Andy] Ah.

634
00:25:15,547 --> 00:25:17,082
They portaled the portal.

635
00:25:17,082 --> 00:25:18,250
- [Jason] No, no, no.
- Cool it

636
00:25:18,250 --> 00:25:19,884
Who fed you your soup?

637
00:25:19,884 --> 00:25:22,820
Wait, wait. Should I just tell
you something which is really
on brand for this.

638
00:25:22,820 --> 00:25:25,190
And I just want to talk about
what happened backstage today.

639
00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:27,692
So, everywhere we go,
we have the special water

640
00:25:27,692 --> 00:25:29,927
and almonds and popcorn.

641
00:25:29,927 --> 00:25:31,296
And Jay...
[breaks out laughing]

642
00:25:32,064 --> 00:25:33,931
I didn't ask for any of it.

643
00:25:33,931 --> 00:25:35,567
So, Jason starts going...

644
00:25:35,567 --> 00:25:38,236
It dawns on him and I'm like,
"Everywhere we go,

645
00:25:38,236 --> 00:25:40,405
- with the popcorn
and the almonds
- [Jason] Yeah.

646
00:25:40,405 --> 00:25:41,773
- and lemon water.
- Skinny Pop.

647
00:25:41,773 --> 00:25:43,775
And they're like,
"Where is this coming from?"

648
00:25:43,775 --> 00:25:45,210
And we find out...

649
00:25:46,244 --> 00:25:47,679
Well, that... Look.

650
00:25:47,679 --> 00:25:50,748
- I... Hey.
- [crowd laughs]

651
00:25:51,816 --> 00:25:53,351
[Jason] We're all staying
in the same hotel room.

652
00:25:53,351 --> 00:25:55,787
We thought
it'd be fun and funny.
It's a fucking drag.

653
00:25:55,787 --> 00:25:57,389
- [all laughing]
- Are you really?

654
00:25:57,389 --> 00:25:58,890
- Are you really staying?
- [Will] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

655
00:25:58,890 --> 00:26:01,259
- No, it's nice. It's fun,
it's great.
- [Andy] Oh, my God!

656
00:26:01,259 --> 00:26:04,529
- Oh, my God!
- Whomever was tasked
with getting the stuff

657
00:26:04,529 --> 00:26:05,863
in the hotel room,

658
00:26:05,863 --> 00:26:07,499
in the dressing room...

659
00:26:07,499 --> 00:26:09,434
must think
I'm a fucking monster.

660
00:26:09,434 --> 00:26:10,935
- [crowd laughs]
- [Will] Yeah.

661
00:26:10,935 --> 00:26:12,970
- [Jason] But, but...
- And rightfully so.

662
00:26:12,970 --> 00:26:14,606
- But the point is...
- [crowd laughs]

663
00:26:14,606 --> 00:26:17,275
how come you and Sean
don't have anything.
And I was able to...

664
00:26:17,275 --> 00:26:19,111
You know, when you get
on the high road...

665
00:26:19,111 --> 00:26:21,446
[all laughing]

666
00:26:21,446 --> 00:26:25,217
And you're able to be just
super-chill on the high road
and you go...

667
00:26:25,217 --> 00:26:27,219
"'Cause we don't
need anything."

668
00:26:28,753 --> 00:26:31,989
- I know, I know, I know.
- [Sean] Aw.

669
00:26:31,989 --> 00:26:33,825
[audience] Aw!

670
00:26:33,825 --> 00:26:35,660
- It's gonna be all right?
- I know, I know.

671
00:26:39,554 --> 00:26:40,555
Getting back to Chicago

672
00:26:40,555 --> 00:26:42,222
and everybody knows there's
so many great music

673
00:26:42,222 --> 00:26:43,958
and great bands,
everything like that
are from here.

674
00:26:43,958 --> 00:26:45,560
Did you have anything
like that growing up?

675
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:47,161
Were you...
Just anybody you loved,

676
00:26:47,161 --> 00:26:48,563
or maybe somebody now
or whatever?

677
00:26:48,563 --> 00:26:52,332
Like, at the time when I was
young here, like,

678
00:26:52,332 --> 00:26:55,302
- Smashing Pumpkins were
still like around. You know?
- [Jason claps] Yeah!

679
00:26:55,302 --> 00:26:56,771
And then there was Wilco.

680
00:26:57,572 --> 00:26:58,873
Wilco is amazing.

681
00:26:58,873 --> 00:27:01,408
Well, it's so funny because
I was reading about
Jeff Tweedy

682
00:27:01,408 --> 00:27:02,309
and how amazing he is.

683
00:27:02,309 --> 00:27:03,978
And he's not only like,

684
00:27:03,978 --> 00:27:05,880
a songwriter and a musician

685
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:08,148
and a record producer
and Grammy winner.

686
00:27:08,148 --> 00:27:09,784
He's also here!

687
00:27:09,784 --> 00:27:11,586
- What?
- [Sean] Jeff Tweedy!

688
00:27:11,586 --> 00:27:12,587
[Will] No!

689
00:27:12,587 --> 00:27:15,590
[crowd cheering]

690
00:27:18,025 --> 00:27:20,327
[Jason chuckles]

691
00:27:20,327 --> 00:27:22,329
[Sean] Oh, my gosh.

692
00:27:22,329 --> 00:27:24,732
This guy's freaking out
right now.

693
00:27:24,732 --> 00:27:26,801
- What?
- Have you never met him?

694
00:27:26,801 --> 00:27:28,202
I have met him.

695
00:27:28,202 --> 00:27:31,739
I met you on a tour bus,
but I was not in a real
good place to talk

696
00:27:31,739 --> 00:27:34,008
'cause I was a little
starstruck, like I am now.

697
00:27:34,008 --> 00:27:36,276
- Oh, no.
- Good Lord!

698
00:27:36,276 --> 00:27:39,246
I was asked to come on
the show and I was like,
"Oh, that's exciting."

699
00:27:39,246 --> 00:27:42,683
- And I dreamt that you were
my best friend.
- Yeah.

700
00:27:43,818 --> 00:27:46,120
- A lot of people have had
that dream.
- And so...

701
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:48,355
- I have that dream
every night.
- [Jeff chuckles]

702
00:27:48,355 --> 00:27:52,326
So, in my dream,
I get so excited about
getting to do this...

703
00:27:52,326 --> 00:27:55,029
- Yeah.
- that I go and tell you...

704
00:27:55,029 --> 00:27:56,163
Sure.

705
00:27:56,163 --> 00:27:57,798
And you start crying.

706
00:27:57,798 --> 00:27:59,934
[all chuckling]

707
00:27:59,934 --> 00:28:03,871
- Because I ruined the surprise
of me being here for you.
- Right.

708
00:28:03,871 --> 00:28:06,006
Because I forgot that you were
on the show, too.

709
00:28:06,006 --> 00:28:08,008
Because I was excited
about meeting you.

710
00:28:08,008 --> 00:28:10,845
- No!
- [crowd cheering]

711
00:28:10,845 --> 00:28:12,479
[all laughing]

712
00:28:14,782 --> 00:28:16,684
But you were really
upset with me.

713
00:28:16,684 --> 00:28:20,087
Well, it's very upsetting
to hear it even now
as a dream.

714
00:28:20,087 --> 00:28:22,222
- Can I... Can I ask--
- First of all.

715
00:28:22,222 --> 00:28:23,390
- Calm down.
- [Jason] Okay.

716
00:28:23,390 --> 00:28:25,793
[all laughing]

717
00:28:25,793 --> 00:28:28,195
- So...
- [Sean imitates stuttering]

718
00:28:28,195 --> 00:28:30,030
Sean, let the robot speak.

719
00:28:30,030 --> 00:28:32,299
- [all laughing]
- I'm assuming
when you're writing,

720
00:28:32,299 --> 00:28:34,368
you're writing and then
the next word kinda
follows the next

721
00:28:34,368 --> 00:28:35,703
and how should the story go

722
00:28:35,703 --> 00:28:38,472
and it just kinda falls out
in a natural progression.

723
00:28:38,472 --> 00:28:40,140
Is it the same way
when you're strumming

724
00:28:40,140 --> 00:28:42,209
and you're kinda trying to
come up with a new song

725
00:28:42,209 --> 00:28:43,678
and you find a good rhythm.

726
00:28:43,678 --> 00:28:46,080
And then, just naturally,
because you have great taste,

727
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:48,215
"Oh, this chord would
sound good after that."

728
00:28:48,215 --> 00:28:50,985
And by the end
of a few minutes,
you got yourself a song?

729
00:28:50,985 --> 00:28:54,722
That can happen.
But that's not
normally how it happens.

730
00:28:54,722 --> 00:28:56,691
- [all laughing]
- [Jason] Is it normally like,

731
00:28:56,691 --> 00:29:01,395
there's a certain structure,
a certain chord has to follow
another sharp thing...

732
00:29:01,395 --> 00:29:02,697
- Is there like a recipe?
- Oh. no...

733
00:29:02,697 --> 00:29:05,032
- Oh, you do--
- His brain is so logical.

734
00:29:05,032 --> 00:29:07,401
I love it. I love you so much.

735
00:29:07,401 --> 00:29:09,737
- [all laughing]
- And I'm pulling for you.

736
00:29:11,005 --> 00:29:13,240
"How... how does music?"

737
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:16,043
-"How make music?"
-"How does music?"

738
00:29:16,043 --> 00:29:18,913
- I not know things.
- [in a robotic voice]
"Processing."

739
00:29:18,913 --> 00:29:21,515
- Help me, Jeff.
- [Jeff] I can help you.

740
00:29:21,515 --> 00:29:25,185
You improvise
conversation all the time.

741
00:29:25,185 --> 00:29:26,921
Because you have a vocabulary.

742
00:29:26,921 --> 00:29:29,556
And you learn certain phrases
and things that you like.

743
00:29:29,556 --> 00:29:30,758
It's no different with music.

744
00:29:30,758 --> 00:29:33,894
There are certain building
blocks of the vocabulary

745
00:29:33,894 --> 00:29:35,730
that you get from your
record collection.

746
00:29:35,730 --> 00:29:37,898
And from things that you like
and things you care about

747
00:29:37,898 --> 00:29:39,566
and other songs
that you've written.

748
00:29:39,566 --> 00:29:40,868
And eventually,

749
00:29:40,868 --> 00:29:42,737
it does become
sort of conversant.

750
00:29:42,737 --> 00:29:45,172
But the most fun part
about doing it

751
00:29:45,172 --> 00:29:47,041
- is the discovery
for yourself.
- Right.

752
00:29:47,041 --> 00:29:48,542
You don't really know
where it's gonna go

753
00:29:48,542 --> 00:29:50,344
and that's my favorite
part of it.

754
00:29:50,344 --> 00:29:52,379
[all applauding]

755
00:29:52,379 --> 00:29:54,448
- Would you sing us
a song right now?
- Wait, what?

756
00:29:54,448 --> 00:29:56,083
We can't pay for that.

757
00:29:56,083 --> 00:29:57,351
I didn't bring a guitar.

758
00:29:57,351 --> 00:29:59,219
- And yeah, you didn't
pay for that.
- Wait, you didn't--

759
00:29:59,219 --> 00:30:01,155
[all laughing]

760
00:30:02,957 --> 00:30:04,792
Uh-oh.

761
00:30:04,792 --> 00:30:07,227
- Oh, my God!
- [all exclaiming]

762
00:30:07,227 --> 00:30:09,129
This is blowing my mind.

763
00:30:10,464 --> 00:30:13,200
I can't tell you
how excited we are

764
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:15,302
and Jason and Will
are that you're here.

765
00:30:15,302 --> 00:30:16,771
Me, too. And me, too.

766
00:30:16,771 --> 00:30:17,872
I know Andy.

767
00:30:17,872 --> 00:30:19,273
- Wait, do you guys
know each other?
- [Andy] Yeah.

768
00:30:19,273 --> 00:30:22,542
<i>- Conan</i> was our first ever
performance with Uncle Tupelo.
- No way.

769
00:30:22,542 --> 00:30:24,378
Your stage director said,

770
00:30:24,378 --> 00:30:26,947
"There's three million people
watching, don't fuck it up."

771
00:30:26,947 --> 00:30:29,049
[all laughing]

772
00:30:29,049 --> 00:30:31,118
Last year we would have
killed for that number.

773
00:30:31,118 --> 00:30:32,953
[all laughing]

774
00:30:32,953 --> 00:30:35,122
I was gonna say that
I had to teach myself

775
00:30:35,122 --> 00:30:37,091
how to ignore the guy yawning.

776
00:30:37,091 --> 00:30:39,426
- Uh-huh.
- That un-laughing
mother fucker,

777
00:30:39,426 --> 00:30:41,595
- I stare at him every time.
- [all laughing]

778
00:30:41,595 --> 00:30:42,863
[Will] I know, I know.

779
00:30:42,863 --> 00:30:46,300
We can have 95 percent of our
life going really, really well

780
00:30:46,300 --> 00:30:48,568
and five percent doesn't...
There's always gonna
be five percent.

781
00:30:48,568 --> 00:30:50,504
But I realize that like,
"Yeah, I'm so stupid

782
00:30:50,504 --> 00:30:51,839
for focusing on that, too."

783
00:30:51,839 --> 00:30:53,107
Twitter is based on it.

784
00:30:53,107 --> 00:30:55,075
- [Will] Ah, yeah.
- Twitter is based on that.

785
00:30:55,075 --> 00:30:57,311
- It's true.
- [Jeff] Like, that reality.

786
00:30:57,677 --> 00:30:59,013
All right.

787
00:30:59,013 --> 00:31:01,415
- [strumming guitar]
- [crowd cheering]

788
00:31:08,688 --> 00:31:13,727
<i>am an American
Aquarium drinker</i>

789
00:31:13,828 --> 00:31:17,197
<i>I assassin down the avenue</i>

790
00:31:18,298 --> 00:31:23,003
<i>I'm hiding out
In the big city blinking</i>

791
00:31:23,003 --> 00:31:26,740
<i>What was I thinking
When I let go of you?</i>

792
00:31:27,975 --> 00:31:28,976
[whistling]

793
00:31:29,877 --> 00:31:32,046
[all cheering, laughing]

794
00:31:36,851 --> 00:31:41,455
<i>Let's forget about
The tongue tied lightning</i>

795
00:31:41,455 --> 00:31:45,259
<i>Let's undress just like
Cross eyed strangers</i>

796
00:31:45,259 --> 00:31:46,560
[Sean] That was so cool.

797
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:48,295
DId you guys really eat
Portillo's right now
for this show?

798
00:31:48,295 --> 00:31:50,764
- [all chuckling]
- [Jason] Wait, I still
got my shake in here.

799
00:31:50,865 --> 00:31:52,599
Oh, God, it's probably warm.

800
00:31:52,599 --> 00:31:54,034
Is this supposed
to be you guys?

801
00:31:54,034 --> 00:31:55,970
- [Jason] I know, Granny Hayes
with the shades.
- [Will] Yeah.

802
00:31:55,970 --> 00:31:57,771
- [all chuckling]
- What a tribute.

803
00:32:07,103 --> 00:32:09,439
You have any idea
how delicious this is?

804
00:32:09,439 --> 00:32:11,741
Let me just try a bite.

805
00:32:11,741 --> 00:32:13,643
- It's so moist.
- Feed it to me.

806
00:32:15,978 --> 00:32:19,148
No, I don't want
fucking a big frosting.
I'm not like you.

807
00:32:19,148 --> 00:32:21,618
I'll just take the cake.
I don't need all the shit.

808
00:32:21,618 --> 00:32:23,320
- You don't want frosting?
- No.

809
00:32:24,421 --> 00:32:26,656
Oof, you don't have to put
so much lip on it.

810
00:32:26,656 --> 00:32:29,326
You don't do a tooth drag?

811
00:32:29,326 --> 00:32:31,328
- I'll have a little bit
of fro...
- [Will] Oh, yeah.

812
00:32:31,328 --> 00:32:32,329
You know what...

813
00:32:33,830 --> 00:32:36,566
Just a little bit of frosting
from the middle section.

814
00:32:36,566 --> 00:32:38,067
Oh, sorry, I didn't even know

815
00:32:38,067 --> 00:32:39,769
- exactly how you were--
- The frosting between
the cheeks is the way

816
00:32:39,769 --> 00:32:41,170
I like it, not the one
on the outside.

817
00:32:44,507 --> 00:32:47,143
Yeah, I do a teeth drag,
so I don't get your disease.

818
00:32:47,143 --> 00:32:48,010
How was it?

819
00:32:48,845 --> 00:32:49,679
Mmm.

820
00:32:51,881 --> 00:32:52,715
Not great.

821
00:32:54,617 --> 00:32:56,018
- Well...
- It's better in a shake.

822
00:32:58,388 --> 00:32:59,756
I thought it was delicious.

823
00:33:00,890 --> 00:33:03,159
[Jason] Hey, man, great show.

824
00:33:03,159 --> 00:33:05,194
- [Will] Great show.
- [Sean] Yeah. Thanks,
good show. You guys, too.

825
00:33:05,194 --> 00:33:06,996
No, really good.

826
00:33:06,996 --> 00:33:09,499
Like, tonight felt like
a live talk show,

827
00:33:09,499 --> 00:33:10,667
like it should be.

828
00:33:10,667 --> 00:33:12,402
With this guy
and the musical guest

829
00:33:12,402 --> 00:33:14,103
and it just went like this

830
00:33:14,103 --> 00:33:16,205
as opposed to, you know, this.

831
00:33:16,205 --> 00:33:18,107
We might wanna lean into...

832
00:33:19,275 --> 00:33:21,544
- two guests every show.
- [Sean] Yeah.

833
00:33:21,544 --> 00:33:23,980
- [Jason] And just have them
move down the couch.
- [Sean] Yeah, and a writer.

834
00:33:24,547 --> 00:33:25,548
- Huh?
- And a writer.

835
00:33:25,548 --> 00:33:27,283
Look, he's so angry
about the writing.

836
00:33:27,384 --> 00:33:30,420
"No, we don't fucking
rehearse shit. That's what..."

837
00:33:30,420 --> 00:33:31,954
Yeah, I would want
a writer to write.

838
00:33:31,954 --> 00:33:34,957
I'm so tired of writing
intros and like, this thing.

839
00:33:34,957 --> 00:33:35,892
And come here with a...

840
00:33:35,892 --> 00:33:37,460
like other questions, other--

841
00:33:37,460 --> 00:33:40,597
You did start with
a pre-determined
story tonight.

842
00:33:40,597 --> 00:33:42,799
- I did because--
- And you got
another one for this, too.

843
00:33:42,799 --> 00:33:44,601
- [Sean] Absolutely.
I have a couple of them.
- [Jason] Good for you.

844
00:33:44,601 --> 00:33:47,069
Here's a great thing,
there are no rules.

845
00:33:47,069 --> 00:33:48,705
We can do whatever we want.

846
00:33:48,705 --> 00:33:50,707
Is there any plastic wear

847
00:33:50,707 --> 00:33:52,208
because I might
get into that thing?

848
00:33:52,208 --> 00:33:54,711
Yeah. Well, use your...

849
00:33:54,711 --> 00:33:56,212
- [Sean] Hands?
- Your God forks.

850
00:33:56,212 --> 00:33:58,214
- You know?
- [all chuckling]

851
00:33:58,214 --> 00:34:00,850
-"God forks."
- [Will] You know?

852
00:34:02,051 --> 00:34:03,553
It's weird having two shows.

853
00:34:03,553 --> 00:34:07,223
To do it and you're like...
And it's like,

854
00:34:07,223 --> 00:34:10,427
Oh, you got another lull
before another show.

855
00:34:10,427 --> 00:34:11,894
[producer]

856
00:34:11,894 --> 00:34:14,063
- [Will] Oh, wow.
- [whines] Oh, my God.

857
00:34:14,063 --> 00:34:16,833
[sighs wearily] Oh, my God.

858
00:34:17,834 --> 00:34:18,935
Margaret, I can't.

859
00:34:19,902 --> 00:34:21,337
Having an anxiety attack.

860
00:34:22,839 --> 00:34:23,806
[producer]

861
00:34:23,806 --> 00:34:25,174
Where'd you go, JB?

862
00:34:25,174 --> 00:34:27,209
[Jason] I'm coming.
I'm just freshening my lips.

863
00:34:31,614 --> 00:34:33,816
[Will exclaiming]

864
00:34:33,816 --> 00:34:36,185
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

865
00:34:36,185 --> 00:34:37,454
[breathes heavily]

866
00:34:37,454 --> 00:34:39,789
I think we have to sign
this wall at some point.
Don't we?

867
00:34:40,523 --> 00:34:41,724
Nobody's gonna see it.

868
00:34:42,224 --> 00:34:43,125
No.

869
00:34:44,561 --> 00:34:45,662
[producer] You guys ready?

870
00:34:45,662 --> 00:34:46,663
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.

871
00:34:46,663 --> 00:34:47,530
Trying to wake up.

872
00:34:48,030 --> 00:34:48,965
I know. Me, too.

873
00:34:51,100 --> 00:34:52,001
- Okay.
- [slaps]

874
00:34:52,001 --> 00:34:53,169
- Okay.
- Oh, fuck.

875
00:34:53,169 --> 00:34:55,104
- Just have to get
excited about it.
- Holy fuck!

876
00:34:55,104 --> 00:34:58,140
- [slaps]
- [Sean laughing] Oh, jeez.

877
00:34:58,140 --> 00:35:00,643
Here we go. I'm already up,
so I don't need to be hit.

878
00:35:00,643 --> 00:35:02,078
- I'm up, too.
- Okay.

879
00:35:02,078 --> 00:35:03,379
I'm up, too. We gotta make...

880
00:35:04,481 --> 00:35:06,683
We gotta make some
kind of announcement.

881
00:35:06,683 --> 00:35:09,285
- We're gonna say--
- So, like, they can't
use cellphones.

882
00:35:09,285 --> 00:35:10,352
<i>Right, you can't
use cellphones.</i>

883
00:35:10,352 --> 00:35:12,755
[Sean] <i>We're sorry
that we're running late.</i>

884
00:35:12,755 --> 00:35:15,492
You do need to wake up just
a little bit though. Right?

885
00:35:15,492 --> 00:35:17,193
- Oh, fuck.
- [Sean screams] Stop it!

886
00:35:17,193 --> 00:35:18,661
Stop, stop it. Stop, stop it.

887
00:35:18,661 --> 00:35:19,962
[Will] <i>Okay. So...</i>

888
00:35:19,962 --> 00:35:21,263
[Jason] <i>Somebody do it
like in an accent.</i>

889
00:35:21,263 --> 00:35:22,599
Okay, so in an accent?

890
00:35:22,599 --> 00:35:24,667
Yeah, an accent,
so they don't think it's you.

891
00:35:24,667 --> 00:35:26,168
- So--
- Any accent.

892
00:35:26,168 --> 00:35:28,638
[in accent]
Welcome to Chicago.
Something like that?

893
00:35:28,638 --> 00:35:30,006
- Yeah. And what else you can--
- And then...

894
00:35:30,006 --> 00:35:31,508
[in accent]
No flash photography.

895
00:35:31,508 --> 00:35:34,043
- Right. And what else?
- [in accent] And put your
fucking cellphones away.

896
00:35:34,043 --> 00:35:35,545
- Yeah.
- I think I can hear an echo.

897
00:35:35,545 --> 00:35:37,714
- Like, we might already be on.
- Yeah. It's...

898
00:35:37,714 --> 00:35:39,816
- Hold on. Mic's on?
- Well then...

899
00:35:39,816 --> 00:35:41,150
we know what we have to say.

900
00:35:42,051 --> 00:35:45,387
- Welcome...
- [all] To SmartLess!

901
00:35:45,387 --> 00:35:46,956
[Will] Run, run, run, run!

902
00:35:46,956 --> 00:35:49,526
[crowd cheering]

903
00:35:53,530 --> 00:35:55,598
Hello, Chicago!

904
00:35:56,432 --> 00:35:59,068
[all cheering]

905
00:35:59,068 --> 00:36:00,002
[Will] Wow!

906
00:36:02,138 --> 00:36:04,406
[Sean] For those of you
who might not know,

907
00:36:04,406 --> 00:36:05,808
I'm actually from here.

908
00:36:05,808 --> 00:36:07,744
And when I was a kid,

909
00:36:07,744 --> 00:36:10,647
my dad's mom, my grandma
on that side...

910
00:36:10,647 --> 00:36:11,781
So, it's already a good story.

911
00:36:11,781 --> 00:36:14,083
- Jesus.
- [crowd] Aw!

912
00:36:14,083 --> 00:36:15,885
[Sean] We're already
off to a booming start.

913
00:36:15,885 --> 00:36:18,420
So, she used to crochet
all these animals.

914
00:36:18,420 --> 00:36:20,089
Like, there was a dinosaur
and a duck

915
00:36:20,089 --> 00:36:21,758
and like a mouse and a dog.

916
00:36:21,758 --> 00:36:23,593
And so, she gave us
these things.

917
00:36:23,593 --> 00:36:25,662
And I used to
cut out the hole,
the dinosaur's face...

918
00:36:25,662 --> 00:36:27,096
mouth and I used to fuck it.

919
00:36:28,264 --> 00:36:29,566
Wait...

920
00:36:29,566 --> 00:36:32,635
- You know, there's a few
thousand people out here.
- Wait, wait.

921
00:36:32,635 --> 00:36:33,670
Okay, so, wait.

922
00:36:33,670 --> 00:36:35,337
- So, wait.
- Oh, good, there's more.

923
00:36:35,337 --> 00:36:36,973
[all laughing]

924
00:36:36,973 --> 00:36:39,576
Wait. Did it matter
what kind of dinosaur?

925
00:36:39,576 --> 00:36:40,777
Like, would you not
get turned on

926
00:36:40,777 --> 00:36:42,011
- by a Tyrannosaurus Rex,
- [Sean] No!

927
00:36:42,011 --> 00:36:43,980
- but definitely
a Brontosaurus?
- Great question.

928
00:36:43,980 --> 00:36:44,947
No, there's one dinosaur

929
00:36:44,947 --> 00:36:46,248
and the mouth is stuck open
like that.

930
00:36:46,248 --> 00:36:47,950
I looked at it like,
"Oh, I'll just cut
a hole in it."

931
00:36:47,950 --> 00:36:48,985
[all laughing]

932
00:36:48,985 --> 00:36:50,319
[Will] Wait a second,
wait a second.

933
00:36:50,319 --> 00:36:52,955
Just because we're back
in your hometown,

934
00:36:52,955 --> 00:36:54,456
- you gotta tell the story...
- [Sean] It's a safe space.

935
00:36:54,456 --> 00:36:56,425
Oh, 'cause everybody
doesn't masturbate, Will.

936
00:36:56,425 --> 00:36:58,828
Not into the mouths
of a crotcheted dinosaur.

937
00:36:58,828 --> 00:37:00,496
- Just into loose socks.
- I'm sorry.

938
00:37:00,597 --> 00:37:01,397
Nothing.

939
00:37:01,397 --> 00:37:02,699
[audience laughing]

940
00:37:02,699 --> 00:37:04,200
- Um...
- [both chuckle]

941
00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:06,202
Tonight, on a very
special <i>SmartLess...</i>

942
00:37:06,202 --> 00:37:07,604
What the hell?

943
00:37:07,604 --> 00:37:10,506
- [Sean] All right. So,
we're gonna get to the guest.
- [Will] Wow!

944
00:37:10,607 --> 00:37:11,874
So, this guy is amazing.

945
00:37:11,874 --> 00:37:13,610
One of his quotes is...
I love this quote.

946
00:37:13,610 --> 00:37:15,612
"It doesn't matter
how many times you fail,

947
00:37:15,612 --> 00:37:16,879
you only have to be right once

948
00:37:16,879 --> 00:37:18,615
and everybody says you're
an overnight success.

949
00:37:18,615 --> 00:37:20,116
- [Will] Woah!
- He went from banking

950
00:37:20,116 --> 00:37:22,619
to bartending
to business software.

951
00:37:22,619 --> 00:37:25,221
He's one of the pioneers
of putting audio
on the internet.

952
00:37:25,221 --> 00:37:26,856
He not only buys
and sells companies,

953
00:37:26,856 --> 00:37:28,625
he's also immersed
in the entertainment business

954
00:37:28,625 --> 00:37:30,693
as the co-owner
of 2929 Entertainment.

955
00:37:30,693 --> 00:37:32,695
He's not one
of my favorite sharks,

956
00:37:32,695 --> 00:37:34,296
he is my favorite shark!

957
00:37:34,296 --> 00:37:35,765
- It's Mark Cuban!
- Mark Cuban!

958
00:37:35,765 --> 00:37:36,966
What!

959
00:37:36,966 --> 00:37:39,535
- [crowd cheering]
- Oh, let's go, let's go.

960
00:37:39,636 --> 00:37:42,404
- Oh!
- [Jason] Wow!

961
00:37:42,404 --> 00:37:43,305
Good to have you on here.

962
00:37:43,305 --> 00:37:44,406
- Thank you.
- Nice.

963
00:37:44,406 --> 00:37:46,208
- [Will] Shit! Hey, man!
- Hey!

964
00:37:46,208 --> 00:37:47,644
Thanks for having me out here.

965
00:37:47,644 --> 00:37:48,711
- Hey.
- Sean.

966
00:37:48,711 --> 00:37:49,879
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

967
00:37:49,879 --> 00:37:51,080
Where do you want me?
Right there?

968
00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:52,281
- [Will] Oh, look at this.
- Yes.

969
00:37:52,281 --> 00:37:54,817
- How nice of you.
- With the shoes.

970
00:37:54,817 --> 00:37:56,085
With the shoes.

971
00:37:56,085 --> 00:37:59,155
Let's start with the shoes.

972
00:37:59,155 --> 00:38:01,891
- Now, are you a sneaker head?
- I'm not. I'm not, really.

973
00:38:01,891 --> 00:38:02,825
Tell us about them.

974
00:38:02,825 --> 00:38:04,360
There is a guy who plays
on our team,

975
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:05,561
named Luka Doncic.

976
00:38:05,662 --> 00:38:06,929
- Sure. Sure.
- [Will] Yeah.

977
00:38:07,730 --> 00:38:09,498
[Mark] And these
are his shoes.

978
00:38:09,498 --> 00:38:10,499
Oh, I got it.

979
00:38:10,499 --> 00:38:12,068
Every now and then,
I pull 'em out.

980
00:38:12,068 --> 00:38:13,235
- [Jason] Right.
- Like you should.

981
00:38:13,235 --> 00:38:14,704
- Like I should.
- [Will] Yeah.

982
00:38:14,704 --> 00:38:16,505
- Yeah.
- Yo, you gotta make
the big guy happy.

983
00:38:16,505 --> 00:38:18,240
And they're great
and they match.

984
00:38:18,240 --> 00:38:19,876
Look at you, that's great.

985
00:38:19,876 --> 00:38:21,510
- I mean...
- [Sean] Sharp suit.

986
00:38:21,510 --> 00:38:23,880
We were gonna fly you out,
like, real nice...

987
00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:25,815
You know, 'cause you were
so nice to come out.
He was like,

988
00:38:25,815 --> 00:38:27,684
-"I fly myself."
- God, that's good living.

989
00:38:27,684 --> 00:38:31,353
I am the luckiest
mother fucker
in the entire world.

990
00:38:31,353 --> 00:38:32,989
[all applauding]

991
00:38:32,989 --> 00:38:35,357
Do you... You probably do.
Tell us if you do.

992
00:38:35,357 --> 00:38:38,027
You remember the moment that
you were first a billionaire?

993
00:38:38,027 --> 00:38:39,095
- Fuck yeah, I remember.
- [Will] Yeah, so.

994
00:38:39,095 --> 00:38:40,763
[all laughing]

995
00:38:40,763 --> 00:38:42,164
[Mark] We had this big IPO.

996
00:38:42,164 --> 00:38:43,565
And the stock just
kept on going up.

997
00:38:43,565 --> 00:38:45,401
And I knew exactly
what the price had to be

998
00:38:45,401 --> 00:38:47,503
- in order for me
to become a billionaire.
- Right.

999
00:38:47,503 --> 00:38:49,005
[Mark] And so, you know,
in the old PCs,

1000
00:38:49,005 --> 00:38:51,874
you can hit F5 to refresh
your Yahoo Finance.

1001
00:38:51,874 --> 00:38:55,211
F5. Boom, boom, boom.
Kinda like Sean in his story.

1002
00:38:55,211 --> 00:38:58,347
- Boom, boom, boom, boom.
- [all laughing]

1003
00:38:58,347 --> 00:39:00,616
[Mark] And then, it was like,

1004
00:39:00,717 --> 00:39:01,718
right when the market opens,

1005
00:39:01,718 --> 00:39:04,120
so I'm just sitting there,
basically, mostly naked

1006
00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:05,187
- and I did a--
- At home?

1007
00:39:05,187 --> 00:39:06,488
- [Mark] At home. Right.
- [Jason] By yourself?

1008
00:39:06,488 --> 00:39:08,157
- [Mark] By myself.
- Hitting that F5.

1009
00:39:08,157 --> 00:39:09,291
Yeah.

1010
00:39:09,291 --> 00:39:11,127
You were just
by yourself at home

1011
00:39:11,127 --> 00:39:12,628
in your fucking
home computer going,

1012
00:39:12,729 --> 00:39:13,763
"Am I a billionaire?"

1013
00:39:13,763 --> 00:39:15,765
Yes. And then, I did
my little billionaire dance.

1014
00:39:15,765 --> 00:39:17,533
Right? I was just like, "Hey!"

1015
00:39:17,533 --> 00:39:19,535
- That's crazy.
- What did you do,
buy something?

1016
00:39:19,535 --> 00:39:21,103
No. Because I knew, you know,

1017
00:39:21,103 --> 00:39:22,972
- it might only be
a second. Right?
- Right, right.

1018
00:39:22,972 --> 00:39:24,941
- Just like Sean's story.
- [all laughing]

1019
00:39:24,941 --> 00:39:26,809
[Will] Oh, my God. Sean.

1020
00:39:28,010 --> 00:39:28,945
[Jason] That's good.

1021
00:39:28,945 --> 00:39:30,012
What did you guys, do this?

1022
00:39:30,012 --> 00:39:31,280
- [all chuckling]
- Yeah. Okay, good.

1023
00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:32,481
Well, I think...

1024
00:39:32,481 --> 00:39:36,318
I think everybody here has had
the fantasy of like,

1025
00:39:36,318 --> 00:39:38,487
"What if I won the lottery?
If I become...

1026
00:39:38,487 --> 00:39:41,824
What's my fantasy,
big thing to buy?"

1027
00:39:41,824 --> 00:39:42,759
- [Mark] Yeah.
- What was it?

1028
00:39:42,759 --> 00:39:44,794
- Basketball team.
- [all laughing]

1029
00:39:44,794 --> 00:39:47,196
How do you buy
a basketball team?

1030
00:39:47,196 --> 00:39:48,965
You write a big
motherfucking check.

1031
00:39:48,965 --> 00:39:51,367
- That's what you do.
- [all laughing]

1032
00:39:51,367 --> 00:39:52,769
[Sean] So, you paid how much?

1033
00:39:52,769 --> 00:39:54,003
$285 million.

1034
00:39:54,003 --> 00:39:56,773
- And now, it's worth...
- I mean, I'm like...

1035
00:39:56,773 --> 00:39:57,706
- Three billion.
- Oh, my God.

1036
00:39:57,706 --> 00:39:58,674
That's crazy.

1037
00:39:58,674 --> 00:39:59,742
Good for you.

1038
00:39:59,742 --> 00:40:02,578
I can't believe you own
a team. Okay.

1039
00:40:02,578 --> 00:40:03,846
[all laughing]

1040
00:40:03,846 --> 00:40:06,749
So, how do you determine what
companies you wanna invest in?

1041
00:40:06,749 --> 00:40:08,584
Or where you wanna
put your money?

1042
00:40:08,584 --> 00:40:11,087
[Mark] You know, it really
depends on what
the product is.

1043
00:40:11,087 --> 00:40:13,189
If it's something
people obviously need

1044
00:40:13,189 --> 00:40:15,925
and the person
who creates it is smart,

1045
00:40:15,925 --> 00:40:17,593
then, I quickly try to invest.

1046
00:40:17,593 --> 00:40:19,428
Like, we started costplusdrugs.com.

1047
00:40:19,428 --> 00:40:20,763
Yes. I was gonna
ask you about this.

1048
00:40:20,763 --> 00:40:22,098
[all applauding]

1049
00:40:22,098 --> 00:40:25,201
This is... Have you heard
about what he's doing?

1050
00:40:25,201 --> 00:40:27,369
- I haven't. Tell me.
- [Sean] It is unbelievable.
It's amazing.

1051
00:40:27,369 --> 00:40:29,071
So, it's called costplusdrugs.com.

1052
00:40:29,071 --> 00:40:30,006
- Right?
- Yeah.

1053
00:40:30,006 --> 00:40:31,340
[Mark] We can sell
direct to consumers

1054
00:40:31,340 --> 00:40:34,043
and so, there's drugs
that we'll sell
for six dollars

1055
00:40:34,043 --> 00:40:35,945
that everybody else
is selling for $400.

1056
00:40:35,945 --> 00:40:37,413
- [Jason] That's amazing.
- Wow!

1057
00:40:37,413 --> 00:40:40,216
So, my husband, Scotty,
he's got diabetes since
he was 17 years old.

1058
00:40:40,216 --> 00:40:41,283
It's hilarious.

1059
00:40:41,283 --> 00:40:43,019
But... [chuckles]

1060
00:40:43,019 --> 00:40:44,253
Whenever I introduce him,
I go,

1061
00:40:44,253 --> 00:40:47,389
"This is my husband, Scotty.
He's gonna die from diabetes."

1062
00:40:47,389 --> 00:40:50,860
[chuckles] Now, will that be
on your list? Insulin?

1063
00:40:50,860 --> 00:40:52,261
So, to do insulin,

1064
00:40:52,261 --> 00:40:54,730
- you gotta create something
called a biosimilar.
- So, it's a mess.

1065
00:40:54,730 --> 00:40:55,898
- [Mark] It's hard.
- Yeah.

1066
00:40:55,898 --> 00:40:58,367
And so, we're looking
at starting that process.

1067
00:40:58,367 --> 00:41:00,502
[all applauding]

1068
00:41:01,503 --> 00:41:04,206
So, you're talking
to a dumbass.

1069
00:41:04,206 --> 00:41:05,641
- Confirmed.
- [Jason] Confirmed.

1070
00:41:05,641 --> 00:41:08,510
So, somebody
comes on <i>Shark Tank,</i>

1071
00:41:08,510 --> 00:41:11,213
what they do is pitch
you an idea

1072
00:41:11,213 --> 00:41:13,515
and you decide
whether that's a great idea

1073
00:41:13,515 --> 00:41:16,285
and if it's a better idea
than the other two people
that pitched,

1074
00:41:16,285 --> 00:41:18,888
- they get, what?
Funding for their idea?
- Yeah.

1075
00:41:18,888 --> 00:41:22,058
- Basically, yeah.
- Mark, just as an aside,
I'm so sorry, man.

1076
00:41:22,058 --> 00:41:23,225
[chuckles]

1077
00:41:23,225 --> 00:41:24,693
Never watched the show,
has he?

1078
00:41:24,693 --> 00:41:26,595
- [all laughing]
- I've... I've... I've...

1079
00:41:27,363 --> 00:41:28,530
[crowd booing]

1080
00:41:28,530 --> 00:41:30,566
Guys, I'm...

1081
00:41:30,566 --> 00:41:32,234
Don't... Fuck...

1082
00:41:34,536 --> 00:41:37,373
- [all laughing]
- They're fucking
booing you, dude!

1083
00:41:38,507 --> 00:41:40,977
Should we go to a commercial?
Let's go to a commercial.

1084
00:41:45,304 --> 00:41:46,571
You mind if I pitch you
a product right now?

1085
00:41:46,571 --> 00:41:48,039
- Let's go.
- [Sean] Okay.

1086
00:41:48,039 --> 00:41:52,377
- Wait, wait, wait. What you--
- Oh, you gonna go up there.
Come on.

1087
00:41:52,377 --> 00:41:54,012
[Sean] Actually, I'm gonna
bring out my husband, Scotty.

1088
00:41:54,012 --> 00:41:55,414
So, we can do it
street fashion.

1089
00:41:55,414 --> 00:41:57,048
- Scotty is here.
- [all cheering]

1090
00:42:00,352 --> 00:42:02,321
Stand up,
he's gonna be dead soon.

1091
00:42:02,321 --> 00:42:05,123
- Yeah.
- Don't get
too attached to him.

1092
00:42:05,123 --> 00:42:07,359
I know. I'm gonna die
from diabetes.

1093
00:42:07,359 --> 00:42:10,462
[all laughing]

1094
00:42:10,462 --> 00:42:11,696
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.

1095
00:42:12,731 --> 00:42:13,965
All right. So, here we go.

1096
00:42:14,899 --> 00:42:16,335
[audience member] Scotty!

1097
00:42:17,469 --> 00:42:19,538
[audience member exclaiming]
Scotty!

1098
00:42:20,972 --> 00:42:22,974
- [both] Shh.
- Shut the fuck up!

1099
00:42:22,974 --> 00:42:25,344
- Shh, shh.
- [audience laughing]

1100
00:42:25,344 --> 00:42:26,578
- We're pitching.
- Okay, ready.

1101
00:42:27,746 --> 00:42:28,580
Hey, sharks.

1102
00:42:29,180 --> 00:42:30,582
[audience laughing]

1103
00:42:31,350 --> 00:42:32,651
My name is Sean.

1104
00:42:32,651 --> 00:42:33,685
And I'm Scotty.

1105
00:42:33,685 --> 00:42:36,721
[all laughing]

1106
00:42:36,721 --> 00:42:37,589
They're good.

1107
00:42:38,723 --> 00:42:40,191
And we're from...

1108
00:42:40,191 --> 00:42:42,060
[both] Hollywood, California.

1109
00:42:43,161 --> 00:42:44,496
And we're looking for...

1110
00:42:44,496 --> 00:42:45,797
[both] Two million dollars...

1111
00:42:45,797 --> 00:42:48,132
for two percent
of our company...

1112
00:42:48,132 --> 00:42:50,369
[both] Doggie Defence.

1113
00:42:50,769 --> 00:42:51,903
Yeah.

1114
00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:53,405
[Sean] When you're loading
the dishwasher,

1115
00:42:53,405 --> 00:42:56,140
does your dog come out
and clean the plates
before the dishwasher does?

1116
00:42:56,140 --> 00:42:59,243
[all laughing]

1117
00:42:59,243 --> 00:43:01,446
Ours does. Which gives us...

1118
00:43:01,446 --> 00:43:03,448
[both] Pause for concern.

1119
00:43:03,448 --> 00:43:05,384
- [all laughing]
- Oh, God!

1120
00:43:05,384 --> 00:43:06,451
Oh, boy.

1121
00:43:07,386 --> 00:43:09,654
Let me tell you a little...

1122
00:43:09,654 --> 00:43:10,622
[both] Tale.

1123
00:43:12,156 --> 00:43:13,825
We came up
with a fence barrier

1124
00:43:13,825 --> 00:43:15,427
that goes around
your dishwasher door

1125
00:43:15,427 --> 00:43:17,796
that deters your dog
from accessing the dishes.

1126
00:43:17,796 --> 00:43:18,897
[all laughing]

1127
00:43:18,897 --> 00:43:20,098
And with that defence up,

1128
00:43:20,098 --> 00:43:21,600
our dog is no longer...

1129
00:43:21,600 --> 00:43:24,102
[both] Barking up
the wrong tree.

1130
00:43:24,102 --> 00:43:25,870
[audience exclaiming]

1131
00:43:26,638 --> 00:43:27,672
So, sharks,

1132
00:43:27,672 --> 00:43:30,174
don't leave your dishes
in a rough state.

1133
00:43:31,042 --> 00:43:33,612
Who wants to be
the first one to join...

1134
00:43:33,612 --> 00:43:34,979
[both] Our pack.

1135
00:43:35,514 --> 00:43:36,448
[hi-fives]

1136
00:43:36,448 --> 00:43:40,419
[all applauding]

1137
00:43:44,989 --> 00:43:46,290
Whoo!

1138
00:43:47,025 --> 00:43:48,427
- Sean...
- Yeah.

1139
00:43:49,694 --> 00:43:51,430
That was really weird.

1140
00:43:51,430 --> 00:43:53,331
[all laughing]

1141
00:43:53,432 --> 00:43:54,533
Two million dollars.

1142
00:43:54,533 --> 00:43:57,068
I'm saying,
right, when you pull
the dishwasher down

1143
00:43:57,068 --> 00:43:58,269
and you're doing them.

1144
00:43:58,269 --> 00:44:00,004
- And the dog comes out--
- No, I got it, Sean.
We get it.

1145
00:44:00,004 --> 00:44:01,740
[all laughing]

1146
00:44:01,740 --> 00:44:03,241
- [Mark] I got it.
- [Sean] Okay.

1147
00:44:03,241 --> 00:44:05,276
I just wanted to hear you
once say...

1148
00:44:05,276 --> 00:44:06,545
- I'm out.
- [Sean] That's right.

1149
00:44:06,545 --> 00:44:08,547
- [Will] Oh!
- [Sean] Thank you for coming.

1150
00:44:08,547 --> 00:44:10,715
Thank you for making
us smarter. I learned stuff.

1151
00:44:10,715 --> 00:44:13,217
- I can't wait to watch more
of Shark Tank. I love you.
- Thank you.

1152
00:44:13,217 --> 00:44:15,720
- Thank you for being here.
- Mark Cuban!
The great Mark Cuban!

1153
00:44:15,720 --> 00:44:17,522
- Thank you, everybody.
- [Will] Mark Cuban!

1154
00:44:17,522 --> 00:44:19,090
[all applauding]

1155
00:44:19,891 --> 00:44:21,292
[Mark] That was so much fun.

1156
00:44:21,292 --> 00:44:23,094
So much fun.

1157
00:44:23,094 --> 00:44:25,464
I like the idea of you
and Scotty

1158
00:44:25,464 --> 00:44:28,132
- rehearsing your
<i>Shark Tank</i> pitch.
- Yes.

1159
00:44:28,132 --> 00:44:29,367
That's what I was doing.

1160
00:44:29,468 --> 00:44:30,602
In the other room
the other night,

1161
00:44:30,602 --> 00:44:31,903
when you guys were,
"Where are you guys going?"

1162
00:44:31,903 --> 00:44:32,804
I'm like,
"I'll be right back."

1163
00:44:32,804 --> 00:44:34,372
Where's Scotty?

1164
00:44:34,473 --> 00:44:35,474
- Can we just get Scotty
for one more second?
- Scotty, hurry back out here.

1165
00:44:35,474 --> 00:44:36,741
Scotty, get back out here.

1166
00:44:36,741 --> 00:44:38,142
[all cheering]

1167
00:44:38,142 --> 00:44:39,377
[Jason] Still alive.

1168
00:44:39,478 --> 00:44:40,779
Again, I just wanna
get back to...

1169
00:44:40,779 --> 00:44:42,914
Sorry, not to get to the nuts
and bolts of it.

1170
00:44:42,914 --> 00:44:44,716
So, when you guys
were rehearsing your bit...

1171
00:44:44,716 --> 00:44:45,984
- Yeah.
- Mmm-hmm.

1172
00:44:45,984 --> 00:44:48,620
Was Sean super-bossy?

1173
00:44:48,620 --> 00:44:50,388
- Yeah. Yeah. A little bit.
- He was.

1174
00:44:50,489 --> 00:44:51,823
Yeah, little bit.
Not gonna lie.

1175
00:44:51,823 --> 00:44:53,492
- Was he?
- Yeah, a little bit.

1176
00:44:53,492 --> 00:44:55,159
Look, he's got
his diabetes pod.

1177
00:44:55,159 --> 00:44:56,561
- You gotta be careful.
- Yeah, I have my pod
right there.

1178
00:44:57,696 --> 00:44:59,831
- Goodbye.
- [all laughing]

1179
00:45:01,099 --> 00:45:03,201
- Yeah.
- Not dead yet.

1180
00:45:03,201 --> 00:45:04,536
- Not dead yet.
- No.

1181
00:45:04,536 --> 00:45:06,404
And so, you guys have been
married for a number
of years now.

1182
00:45:06,505 --> 00:45:07,405
- 15 years.
- Whoo!

1183
00:45:07,506 --> 00:45:09,273
[all applauding]

1184
00:45:11,109 --> 00:45:13,211
Scotty, before you guys
were married,

1185
00:45:13,211 --> 00:45:16,214
did you know about
the dinosaur story?

1186
00:45:16,214 --> 00:45:17,582
- [all laughing]
- No.

1187
00:45:17,582 --> 00:45:20,752
- No.
- But I've heard
about it since.

1188
00:45:20,752 --> 00:45:22,921
- [Will] Right.
- But not before
we were married.

1189
00:45:22,921 --> 00:45:23,888
- Yeah.
- [Will] Huh?

1190
00:45:23,888 --> 00:45:26,825
- Would that have
affected your...
- Decision.

1191
00:45:26,825 --> 00:45:28,326
[all chuckling]

1192
00:45:28,326 --> 00:45:29,861
No, this is a fair question.

1193
00:45:29,861 --> 00:45:31,763
No. No, of course. So...

1194
00:45:31,763 --> 00:45:33,898
Scotty, how did you
used to masturbate?

1195
00:45:33,898 --> 00:45:36,300
[all laughing]

1196
00:45:37,268 --> 00:45:38,336
All right.

1197
00:45:38,336 --> 00:45:39,738
A lot more carefully.

1198
00:45:39,738 --> 00:45:41,239
- A lot more carefully.
- A lot more carefully.

1199
00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:43,041
And if somebody came in
to catch you,

1200
00:45:43,041 --> 00:45:45,176
would you say, like,
"Don't go away."

1201
00:45:45,176 --> 00:45:46,344
Ah, this is a bad one.

1202
00:45:46,344 --> 00:45:47,612
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.

1203
00:45:47,612 --> 00:45:49,247
[Jason] He's trying
to do a bye.

1204
00:45:49,247 --> 00:45:51,349
I'm trying to do a bye.
I'm trying to do a bye.

1205
00:45:51,349 --> 00:45:53,384
- Yeah.
- I mean, did you ever worry

1206
00:45:53,384 --> 00:45:56,655
when you were inside
the dinosaur's mouth

1207
00:45:56,655 --> 00:45:59,824
that it might somehow bite.

1208
00:45:59,824 --> 00:46:02,026
- Oh, bye!
- [all cheering]

1209
00:46:02,794 --> 00:46:04,295
[Jason] Thank you, Chicago!

1210
00:46:04,295 --> 00:46:06,998
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

1211
00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:10,301
Thank you.

1212
00:46:10,301 --> 00:46:11,570
Yo, where should we go?

1213
00:46:12,637 --> 00:46:13,838
[Will] Right here.

1214
00:46:13,838 --> 00:46:15,273
- [Jason] I can't
reach there though.
- [Will] I can do it.

1215
00:46:15,273 --> 00:46:16,575
- [Jason] Oh.
- Oh, God.

1216
00:46:16,575 --> 00:46:17,576
We got you.

1217
00:46:19,711 --> 00:46:20,979
[Sean] You're left-handed.

1218
00:46:20,979 --> 00:46:22,814
Wow. You really
climbed up there.

1219
00:46:25,383 --> 00:46:28,386
- [crowd cheering]
- [Jason] Hey!

1220
00:46:28,386 --> 00:46:30,154
You guys, thank you
for coming out.

1221
00:46:30,154 --> 00:46:31,690
[Will] Hi, guys. How are you?

1222
00:46:31,690 --> 00:46:33,491
Thank you so much
for coming, you guys.

1223
00:46:34,192 --> 00:46:35,727
Here we go!

1224
00:46:35,727 --> 00:46:38,663
[Sean chuckles]
I'm gonna eat that in the car.

1225
00:46:39,898 --> 00:46:40,732
Turn around.

1226
00:46:42,400 --> 00:46:44,736
- You are so sweet.
- I've had a lot of work done.

1227
00:46:44,736 --> 00:46:46,204
- [Sean] So sweet.
- [woman] Thank you so much.

1228
00:46:46,204 --> 00:46:48,406
[Will] Oh, my God.
I can't believe I'm signing
a Blues hat.

1229
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:51,175
Oh, man. That's tough.

1230
00:46:51,175 --> 00:46:52,343
Okay. All right.

1231
00:46:53,945 --> 00:46:55,680
There you go. Hi, guys.

1232
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:57,148
Did you get yourself a hoagie?

1233
00:46:57,148 --> 00:46:59,217
Yeah, somebody gave me a...

1234
00:46:59,217 --> 00:47:01,152
- Somebody gave you a sandwich.
- Yeah.

1235
00:47:01,152 --> 00:47:02,954
Are you going to eat that?

1236
00:47:02,954 --> 00:47:03,888
- Yes.
- You don't think

1237
00:47:03,888 --> 00:47:05,657
they injected anything
into it, do you?

1238
00:47:05,657 --> 00:47:07,091
Thank you for coming,
you guys.

1239
00:47:07,091 --> 00:47:11,229
And now,
tomorrow you're feeling...
You like your medicine.

1240
00:47:11,229 --> 00:47:13,297
Yo guys are gonna...
Your heads are gonna blow off.

1241
00:47:13,297 --> 00:47:16,167
- You know, you're building
it up pretty high.
- [Sean chuckling] I know.

1242
00:47:16,167 --> 00:47:17,902
They are famous.

1243
00:47:17,902 --> 00:47:18,970
- [Jason] No?
- [Sean] Very famous.

1244
00:47:19,638 --> 00:47:20,504
Hey, Will.

1245
00:47:21,339 --> 00:47:22,440
How'd you do out there?

1246
00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:24,275
I just did a bunch of people,
they were signing stuff.

1247
00:47:24,275 --> 00:47:25,343
Did you get any phone numbers?

1248
00:47:25,810 --> 00:47:26,778
You know...

1249
00:47:27,946 --> 00:47:29,648
They're all waiting there.
So nice.

1250
00:47:30,815 --> 00:47:32,450
- Bye, guys.
- [door closes]