[birds chirping]
♪
When I look at these photos,
I realize I had a really good childhood.
My mom started bringing me to the Playboy Mansion
as an infant, and it was just so magical.
My mom with Hef.
He looks like he couldn't have more joy
and love and respect for her,
and she looks...happy, but I see...
kind of like...
a sadness in her eyes at the same time.
♪
When you look at this picture, and you see Hef's smiling face,
that's the face that lit up when I...
when he saw me in the room and came up to me
and made me feel so seen and special.
That's the part where I struggle with--
well, how can I hold good memories with someone
who is capable of...that?
[motor revving]
My name is Hugh Hefner,
and I'm the publisher of "Playboy" magazine.
REPORTER: Playboy is one
of the most famous brand names in the world.
It was simply to include sex as
one natural part of a package for a male audience.
WOMAN: When I made the choice to do "Playboy,"
I didn't realize all the choices that I was making
that came with that choice.
WOMAN #2: We don't judge the men for buying the "Playboy"s,
but we judge the women for posing for "Playboy."
JILL: I was never Jill anymore.
I was Jill that posed for "Playboy."
WOMAN #3: I just gave in and knew that I was
probably gonna go to hell.
WOMAN #4 It got to a certain point
where it wasn't fun anymore.
SONDRA: This process was very painful,
but I should be able to tell my story as I lived it.
HEFNER: That's Sondra Theodore, a really special lady.
Oh. Hef tells me you're gonna be in the July issue.
What, uh, what decided you to become a Playmate?
Well, I was very undecided about it at first,
and then I talked to people at "Playboy."
I thought, what the heck? It might be fun.
♪
"Playboy"-- Once you've done "Playboy,"
it follows you throughout your life
because there's a phenomenon about
being a Playmate, and you could be 110,
and a man will still get all flustered
and treat you differently.
You'll always be that young pinup girl in their mind.
And so, yeah, it follows you your whole life,
and it's really hard to hide from.
[sighs heavily]
I'm Sondra Theodore,
and I was, uh, Hugh Hefner's girlfriend
between 1976 and 1981.
♪
And I was Miss July 1977 in the magazine.
When season one of this show reached out to me,
I didn't know if I could tell the world my story
because I had not been able to tell anybody my story.
But I knew that I had to tell the truth
because it was still living inside of me.
I've never known anybody who had to have that much sex.
He had to get more and more.
It got uglier and uglier
with, you know, bringing the men into the bedroom,
and I didn't wanna be with another man.
It didn't matter how it made me feel,
and sometimes it was...painful.
Men that force themselves on you, it doesn't feel good.
It--It hurts, and I would tell him that.
"Please don't, no. Please." I-I-I would use those words.
"He hurts me." Didn't matter.
I really did not anticipate saying as much as I did.
But as I, uh, started talking,
I found myself saying things
that I never thought I'd say to anybody.
The group sex, it was at least five nights a week.
I wasn't gay, but he would whisper in my ear,
"You know, go talk to her.
Go talk to her and see if she wants to party."
Finally, one day, I just,
"Oh, jeez! Okay, I'll try it once."
Yeah, yeah, one of the first.
[voice breaking] I've never used that word, that.
Because I would never do that. That sounds...naughty.
That sounds...nasty.
I was told it was a party. It was...
getting together to have some fun.
This process was very painful. It tore me apart from my family.
♪
KATIE: One of the things that bothered me
about season one of this show
is they only focused on one side.
They didn't, you know, bring up
anything that was good about Hef.
It was all the bad.
They didn't show the happy times,
the times that I grew up hearing about.
There was a part of them that did really wonderful things
for my mother and for her family.
♪♪
When I was young,
"Playboy" was not naked woman orgies at the Mansion.
It was family time. It was magic.
It was a safe space.
♪
My mom started bringing me to the Playboy Mansion
as an infant.
♪
SONDRA: 10 years after I broke up with Hef,
I had managed to get married, and I was a mom.
I ended up going back to the Mansion
because all my friends were there,
and they were all taking their kids up there,
and Katie was probably the most singled out Mansion baby.
They called them Mansion babies
because we all had babies about the same time,
but Katie got the royal treatment.
KATIE: It was just so fun.
I just remember me and my brother, like,
running around, like, a little wonderland for us.
So, when people are like,
"You grew up, like, going to the Playboy Mansion?"
I'm like, yeah, but it wasn't like I was, like, growing up,
and then, oh, I'm playing,
and there's, like, a naked woman.
That wasn't my Playboy Mansion.
Hef was very family-oriented.
It was completely tame and innocent.
Yeah, I've known--I mean, he's been a part of my whole world.
He was my, like, Uncle Hef.
Hugh Hefner was not a predator to me. He was family.
I never experienced anything predatory
on his property or with him.
♪♪
I don't really know if it was all a lie.
I feel-- I felt like he was genuine,
But maybe that's something I'm still processing
and I'm still unraveling and coming to terms with.
I had not told my children the details.
I tried to talk to Katie about my trauma sooner,
before she had to see it on television.
Not only was it incredibly hard for me to verbalize it,
she didn't want to hear it.
Well, who wants to hear about their parents having sex...
[chuckles] let alone trauma?
It was too much for her to hear.
She said, "I don't want to know about it, Mom.
It's not my story. It's yours."
No, it's our story because you are my story.
It's our story.
♪
KATIE: The Playboy Mansion was a part of my whole life.
I was still on Team Hef,
like, the illusion of you raised me around this man
that was so wonderful to us,
and you told me all these great stories of your times together.
♪
Yeah, this is still--I guess I'm having a hard time with this
'cause I don't want to say,
"Oh, well, he wasn't a monster to me, so..."
but...'cause he wasn't, but then how can someone...
I don't know. It's like, it's very complicated.
♪♪
With Katie believing they're still good in Hef,
because there was.
There was a side to him that he was good at times.
He filled my heart with so much love.
♪♪
And I don't believe that he could have done that
if he had been truly all evil,
and I just think that he slipped slowly
into this powerful man that could get away with anything.
♪
And it got the best of him.
♪
[sighs]
I feel like it's another lifetime.
♪
It was.
I feel sad that it didn't turn out
the way it should have.
♪
We've gone through a lot.
What happened to me at the Mansion
and my relationship with Hef
followed me to all my future relationships,
but things got much worse for Katie
when her father and I divorced.
The divorce was very hard on Katie and her brother.
She had so much anger.
Once I got divorced,
I'd been alone for many years before I remarried
because I had been beaten down.
I had been left for a younger girl,
a Playmate, no less.
It was humiliating for me.
So, when I met my second husband,
thought it would be safer because he wouldn't cheat on me,
because he wasn't in the business.
He wasn't, um, a celebrity of any kind,
that he was normal so that he would appreciate me
for who I was, but then it-- it went all sour.
I mean, it just didn't work out that way.
♪
KATIE: She remarried when I was, like, in sixth grade,
and she settled for this man that was just, like,
rigid and born again Christian.
Oh, God, yeah.
Like, we've had the most in-insane journey. [laughs]
Yeah, it's been really hard.
Been so mad at her.
And I realize now the dynamic she had with Hef
really set the tone for her future choices in life
and her sense of worth.
You know, my mom was always surrounded by so many women,
and then when she got remarried,
everything really changed for her then,
and he isolated her.
And ever since then, everything really got bad. [sighs]
♪
When Katie was entering junior high,
my second husband and I,
we moved out of town with the kids.
I thought I was doing something good for them,
that they would have a better life outside of Los Angeles
'cause I knew a lot of my friends' kids
were getting into trouble.
But Katie had a hard time at school,
and I didn't find out right away
about Katie being bullied and how bad it was.
I was...12, going on 13,
and I think my brother had maybe told, like, one guy,
like, "Oh, yeah, my mom was a 'Playboy' Playmate."
So, when people found out that my mom had dated Hugh Hefner
and was a "Playboy" model, I was told,
"Oh, your mom's a glorified prostitute.
You're a slut."
I was, like, so innocent.
I was, like, gonna be a virgin till I got married,
and, like, I was like my mom.
I was, like, the sweet, innocent little girl.
♪
And so 'cause my mom posed for "Playboy,"
I'm a slut, and my mom's a prostitute?
It was just very...
like, confusing for me.
It's like, how does that make me a slut?
They weren't used to their mom being called these names.
They never heard that before from--from my circle of friends.
And if I had known this was going on, I...
I would have done something.
I found out later they battered her so much
that she became that bad girl.
♪
Her and her friends were drinking in junior high. Really?
I had my first drink at the Mansion.
I just was so straight,
so it was even harder for me to accept
that my beautiful daughter was not studying.
She was out drinking.
♪
I just watched her fall away from her studies,
fall away from her sports that she loved,
and she started acting out.
Nothing I could do or say could stop it.
KATIE: We never did anything together.
The only thing I did with her
is, like, being forced to go to church.
So, it's like all I did was get yelled at and get in trouble
and to be told that I'm doing something wrong.
[voice breaking] Um... I think it's just really sad.
Life is--can be really sad.
[sniffles] Not mad. I'm just... just sad about it.
♪
I turned to drugs and alcohol.
♪♪
Things got so bad that I had no control over her,
and when she got physical with me,
I called her dad, and I said,
"She's got to come be with you for a while."
I was kicked out of the house
and ended up moving back to Los Angeles
and having a very strained relationship with my mother.
Yeah, I went to outpatient.
It's, like, just to go for, like, part of the day.
No. [scoffs]
You know, I would be, like, a 17-year-old girl
getting hit on by guys in their 30s.
SONDRA: When she started acting up,
I felt like she blamed me for a lot of things,
[voice breaking] And I was very young when I had them,
and I tried my best.
I was just desperately trying to be normal.
And I tried to make up for it by being a supermom,
and I didn't realize how much I had buried the hurt.
It's hard to put into words. Um...
Thanks.
♪
My mom gave this necklace to me when I was 19 years old,
and it's because when she was 19,
Hef gave her this necklace.
It says "Baby Blue."
♪
SONDRA: "Baby Blue" came about the first night we met.
He brought me in the house, and we danced.
♪
And it was Barry White's "Baby Blue panties."
♪♪
KATIE: He nicknamed her "Baby Blue,"
and even with everything I know now,
this necklace still means a lot to me.
It just reminds me how strong my mom is.
♪♪
Katie loves that necklace.
She holds onto it like you'd hold onto a dream.
And I wore that baby blue necklace
during my "Playboy" centerfold shoot.
My first "Playboy" shoot was a surprise to me.
I wasn't planning on becoming a Playmate.
That was not my goal.
When I was called into the studio,
it was to do a cover,
and the cover shot was going to be the back of my legs
from the butt down so there would be no nudity.
I had said, I will not do any nudity.
And when I got there,
that's when they were putting makeup on my face.
And I was so green, I-I didn't question that.
You know, why would they put makeup on my face
if they're going to do back of my legs?
♪♪
[camera shutter clicks]
It took about two hours, but one strap off,
one strap off, and I finally was naked.
[camera shutter clicks]
But they showed me the Polaroids, and it was like,
oh, that's me? Because of the lighting and the makeup,
and I looked-- and I looked so pretty.
♪
And--And that helped me keep going,
and the rest is history. [laughs]
[camera shutter clicking]
[bird cawing in distance]
In 2011, I was caring for my mother
because she had Alzheimer's.
Things that were important
started really showing themselves.
She came to me, and she told me of her rape.
She was raped at 16.
♪♪
That was a trigger I didn't even think about
because things that had happened to me were suddenly--
I could see that they had been wrong...
that I had been put through things
that a girl should never have been put through.
And I was seeing it clearly,
but I wasn't ready to tell anyone.
-Oh, my God. -[laughs]
It has been a journey.
Around this time, Miki Garcia contacted me through Facebook.
All right.
Okay, come over here. You know, we can look at these.
♪
All right. So, this is your area, isn't it?
Miss January 1973. Miki Garcia.
MIKI: [chuckles] Yeah.
I was Miss January 1973.
I was one of the first Hispanic Playmates.
I was proud of that,
and then I became Director of Playmate Promotions.
I myself believed the "Playboy" promise--
all these opportunities for women.
I was touting the brand.
Look, I have my mommies in there.
-Okay, let's see. -That's the--
-Look how-- -That's my bridal shower.
-Look how proud she is of you. -She is so proud.
-Look at that. -Yeah, she was so young.
-She is so proud of you. -Is that the Mansion?
That's, yeah, the bridal shower.
Miki's caring for her mother,
and so we became close because of this.
-Look at that face. -She's so happy.
And I never got to meet her.
I know.
And then she told me about the porn sites.
So, when I searched my name on Google,
I saw our pictures had been put on porn sites,
and that's when my perspective
at my time with "Playboy" changed.
♪
We were promised that our pictures would be art,
always revered as art.
HEFNER: The notion in terms of "Playboy" from the beginning
was not to be the most explicit magazine around.
It was simply to include sex as one natural part
of a package for a male audience.
SONDRA: We were the girls next door.
It was acceptable on coffee tables back then.
♪♪
And when I went and found
my beautiful pictures on these sites, it was...
To know that your picture, your image, your name's
being used as a carnival barker to get into these porn sites...
♪
...this is so violating.
♪
I was...yeah, I was angry, and I was--I was sick by it.
It's--It's an awful feeling.
No woman deserves to be on porn sites
unless she wants to be. No person does.
♪
And to know that it's there,
it's done, it's on the Internet, it'll never be gone.
The thought of, God, my grandkids are gonna grow up
and think that Grandma was a porn star?
Uh, that's not the legacy I wanted to give my kids.
I had a neighbor say to me, "Hey, you're that porn lady."
Wh-- D-- What?
We had no say on it. We did not get paid.
We did not even get told. This was kept hush,
and a lot of the girls believed that it was out of his hands
that it happened, and he couldn't control it.
At the time, I was like, well, wasn't it
just the company who sold it, not him?
So, I thought she could have been
a little bit more, like, forgiving,
and that it was maybe not his sole decision to make.
♪♪
SONDRA: All I know is he took the girls
that made him who he was.
He did not protect us. He sold us out
and...left us in the gutter.
♪
And at this point, I just
couldn't accept any more of that universe.
KATIE: But even though my mom
didn't continue her relationship with Hef,
when I moved back to L.A., I started hanging out
at the Mansion again without my mother.
♪
Especially when I turned, like, 17, was really when
I started, you know, going there quite often.
♪
I would go on a very, like, family, like, regular--
where all the regulars go on Sunday nights,
where he had the buffet dinner and a movie night.
And I would go to the parties.
[electronic dance music playing]
Partying in the Mansion was... It was...
the place to be.
♪
I would go with, like, a girlfriend and, you know,
dress in little cutesy, little outfits, and it was fun.
♪
And nothing like an open bar. [laughs]
[indistinct conversations]
And she'd call me from there
and say, you know, "God, everybody loves you, Mom.
They're, you know, they said that you were the best.
You were so nice," and she was proud of that.
But I could tell she'd been drinking, and she was underage.
♪
She'll kill me if I tell you this. Um...
I found out later that she'd been out with Hef
and a couple of his girlfriends at a very young age,
and that, to me, was just not appropriate.
I was not taking drugs at the Playboy Mansion.
I didn't do drugs at the Playboy Mansion.
Like, a pot cookie. Like, nothing--There were no drugs.
That was definitely not... where I did drugs.
[scoffs] Just to be clear.
♪
I think it was normal for young girls
to be up there underage.
♪
You know, my experiences at the parties
were all very positive,
and I know there's probably women who had,
you know, negative experiences at the parties.
But for me, just made me feel, like, safe.
You know, that's her perspective on how she likes to say that.
That actually kind of annoyed me when I watched that episode
with her saying, "You can't have her."
It was like that was always, like, a joke to me.
And then I saw him indoctrinating my daughter.
Wait, what?
Well, he-- he never touched her,
or I would have killed him.
But the same thing when she would walk in,
he singled her out, made her feel special.
And I'd say to him, "You can't have her. Don't you touch her."
I never felt ever in my entire time up there
that he would ever do anything inappropriate with me.
♪
But he would see me across the room
and come on gallivanting over,
and he just showered me with the most loving adoration
and just made me feel so special.
Every time I was there, though, he always saw me
and, like, lit up, and it was just the cutest thing.
She was too young to know.
She was too naive to know that side of him.
He was so good at making you feel like the only person
in the world when he wanted to, and that's what he did with her.
She was wrapped up into his fantasies
as I was, as everybody is.
♪
And he singled her out...
so that she felt like me.
♪
KATIE: The Playboy Mansion was a family place for me.
I mean, there are, like, people that I considered, like,
you know, aunts and uncles were there, you know?
Um, yeah, I was a wild child.
I was definitely having fun, but not really. [laughs]
♪
Kind of like what my mom was going through.
It was like, I can look back, and it was--
you know, you think you're having fun,
but it's really, you're--you're lost,
and you're just trying to escape through substances and parties.
♪
The last time I went to the Mansion,
I actually felt a very ominous energy.
♪
Used to be a place where I'd go, and I felt free and alive,
and it didn't feel like that.
♪♪
I don't know if it had to do with the fact
that Hef was being assisted,
like, to, you know, he couldn't walk on his own.
Seeing him in that state was very alarming.
♪
SONDRA: Katie asked me, "Aren't you going to go say goodbye?
He's dying."
And I said, "No. There's nothing I could say to him.
I don't want to see him."
She didn't understand that,
and...I don't think I could have stood in front of him
for all the money in the world because I felt the evil.
I felt...almost afraid to-- to confront him.
♪
It was shocking and upsetting and sad,
and it was the last time I ever went there.
And it was maybe, like, a year or nine months
before he passed away, and I just--
I couldn't go back. The magic was gone. It was over.
The man who's been called an American icon,
"Playboy" announcing tonight that founder Hugh Hefner,
the man who introduced the world to "Playboy" magazine,
has died at home at the age of 91.
KATIE: I went to his memorial. I was so mad at my mom.
I thought, oh, at least she'll show up to the memorial.
She'll be there for him for this.
And, of course, she didn't show up. Of course.
And it was like, again, still me being very confused
by why she had to only think about the bad times now.
Why couldn't she remember the good times?
I guess it's 'cause I didn't realize how bad
the bad times were for her.
[bird caws in distance]
When COVID hit, I decided to temporarily move in with my mom.
Being in your 30s, like,
living with your mom, is a whole thing.
But we also had nice moments and would, like, cook dinner.
We rescued, like, a lot of kittens,
and we're, like, bottle-feeding kittens together,
and that was a beautiful experience.
And, you know, Janet would, like, pop by
and, like, have dinner with us sometimes,
and they always had, like, a good laugh.
I'm Janet. I'm a friend of both Sondra and Katie,
and I'm Sondra's neighbor.
SONDRA: Janet I had met up here.
She's really the only person I hung out with up here.
A mutual friend introduced me to Sondra,
and we became fast friends.
SONDRA: And then when Katie came to the mountain,
I introduced her to Janet,
and they had their own bond happen.
[bird caws in distance]
When I agreed to do season one of this show,
the day of filming, they asked her to leave,
and Katie was very incensed by this.
She was--She was livid.
[Katie scoffs]
I was very upset with my mom.
I'm like, "Why--What's--Why do you have to do this publicly?
Why can't you just have your truth,
and why do you have to blast it all over the world?
You know, He's dead. Like, let's just move on.
Like, leave the past in the past."
Katie at that point, only knew that things had not been
the fairy tale that they appeared to be.
But I had not been able to tell my children my story.
But as I, uh, started talking,
I found myself unleashing my--my pain.
And I did a lot of talking to those ghosts,
and I like, okay, you didn't get away with it.
I was on an emotional roller coaster
the whole process.
When it was over, it made me feel so good,
because no one else was gonna do this.
I mean, obviously, nobody wants to do it.
They're still not doing it.
But it needed to be done.
I felt like I could die today, and I did something important.
[birds chirping]
SONDRA: Living in these mountains is like...
it's heaven, it's--it's peace. It's...
knowing I'm okay, knowing that I can walk out of the house,
and nobody's gonna judge me, and I'm okay as I am.
And that is amazing,
because I always had to live up to something,
and to not have that is freedom.
It's an inner peace that is just--it's like a calm river.
I haven't watched TV in 15 years,
so where was I gonna watch this show?
[click]
Well, Janet had a TV.
[door creaks]
♪
And so every Monday, I cooked dinner,
and I took it over to her house and turn it on,
and there it was coming. I was a wreck.
And so each one was a revelation.
I was just like, whoa, whoa.
And we wouldn't look at each other.
We just--straight ahead.
JANET: Sondra was very still.
She just kept her eyes on the TV.
It was very emotional for her.
♪♪
SONDRA: And then the first time my voice cracks
from starting to cry, I heard this...
[voice breaks] "Oh, Sondra."
[laughs] And she's crying, but I can't look at her.
I can't look at her 'cause I have to hold myself together.
It was very emotional for me, too,
to see what she had really gone through.
I felt so bad for her. I felt so bad
that she lived this nightmare.
♪
KATIE: When I got to my mom's episode, immediately I'm crying.
Felt really bad for her because she's such a good girl...
[voice breaking] and that got, like, taken away from her.
It's really sad.
♪
It really helped me instantly just
stand by her and to be able to let go of my own, like,
ego need to think Hef was a good man.
[exhales deeply]
♪
I might have called her right after or the next day
and just let her know that I was proud of her and--
and I stand by her.
When Katie first came to terms
with the trauma that I experienced
and acknowledged it to me, I felt such relief,
and yet I knew that she still had all her great memories
of going up there as a child and as a teenager,
and she didn't want to let go of that.
And there's a little part of me that remembers those good times.
Those were my friends, and I'll always love them.
They were my youth,
but I had to let that go to face my reality.
♪♪
JANET: She had a lot of negative response
after the documentary was aired.
People asking her, why did she stay so long?
♪♪
Why she put up with everything?
♪
It was very difficult for her.
A lot of online haters coming at her.
SONDRA: I was so surprised at how intense
these responses were from my old friends, acquaintances.
It was aimed at me and targeted to hurt and to defame.
KATIE: It was definitely really upsetting for my mom when people
that she had known were discounting her stories
and people that were once her friends shaming my mom.
♪
Basically saying my mom's a liar,
and all this stuff, like, posting pictures of my mom,
like, "Lookit, she's having a great time.
See? So she must be a liar."
That was really upsetting to see.
♪
SONDRA: But Katie was amazing.
She had never stood up for me, as far as I'd known,
but she did it on social media where there--
there was a thread going that was just ridiculous.
It was so targeted at me, and she reported them.
She reported them and got it wiped off.
And that act alone was like, "How'd you do that?
Oh, my God, thank you so much." [laughs]
♪
But for so long, I didn't have anybody
standing up for me that way, so I had to fight my own battle.
It was always I was fighting my own life story,
and I should be able to tell my story
as I lived it,
not fabricated by somebody else's idea of what it was.
And I wanted to tell it like it really happened.
JANET: There was a lot of negative feedback,
a lot of hate mail, but the positive feedback
from so many women, it was beautiful.
I mean, just all these women
were so glad to hear Sondra tell her story
so that they could finally discuss their story
with other people,
so that they could heal from their past abuse.
SONDRA: It's been an incredible gift to know
that by working through my trauma,
not only am I helping myself heal, I'm helping others,
And they're telling their story for the first time.
They're demanding that people listen to them
and that their abusers are accountable.
And if I help them in any way,
then this has been all so worth it.
KATIE: I feel like for me, with Hef, there--
there's two Hefs or something.
There's the Hef I knew and the Hef
that I guess the truth has evolved him into.
There are things of his legacy that I feel like,
oh, wow, the Playboy Mansion.
Like, that was a cool, freaking vision he manifested, you know?
But at the same time, I feel like
we don't need a Hugh Hefner 2.0.
This isn't the way we wanna have men operating in society.
I guess I wish I could have known what I knew now
so I could have been kinder to myself and my mom.
♪
I'm proud of my mom. She's awesome.
I mean, her art is such a visual representation
of what a beautiful soul she is
and proud of her for standing up to her--what's true for her.
♪♪
I knew that if we did this together,
it would be a milestone for us,
that it would be one of the most important experiences
of our lifetime together.
♪
I see her pain. She saw my pain. [sniffles]
It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel pain,
but you need to put it somewhere.
You need people to understand you and...
and still love you for it
because I didn't feel that for a long time.
I felt only anger.
And now Katie and I, we are healing. Yes, we are.
CREW #1: Okay. We're gonna roll.
CREW #2: Marker.
-So very surreal. -SONDRA: I know, isn't it? Yeah.
I know. I mean, I'm just so thrilled
that she trusted me to-- to do this.
Yeah. It just helped me understand her better because,
like, I just saw her as that, like,
19-year-old girl looking for love in all the wrong places.
-[laughs] -And I just felt, like, wanted
to hug her and be like, "You're okay," and, like,
you know, she was such a beautiful spirit,
and it just made me love her more
because I was like, what a, you know, brave soul
to be able to share such intimate details of her life.
I can't tell you what it means to me
to know that she understands me.
She understands me, and, um, and I can tell her anything now,
and--and she won't judge me.
She loves me, and she loves me more.
I mean, we've come so far in the, what, two years?
Two years ago, she was angry at me still, and now look at her.
She's this beautiful, poised, articulate, compassionate woman
that I always knew she could be. [cries]
[laughs] I love you so much.
KATIE: [muffled] Love you.
[bird cawing in distance]
[playing notes on piano]
♪
I have not one regret for being involved with this show because
to have my daughter back is a beautiful thing.
♪
And I can't regret anything. I can't, because, like,
it all--all that built me into me, who I am now.
♪
But I still...
can't believe I didn't protect that young girl.
I should have protected myself. [sniffles]
But I didn't have the tools and...
it could have happened to anybody.
He was that good.
♪
Yeah. This is gonna work well.
SONDRA: And I have to forgive myself eventually.
I mean, that's the last of the healing, isn't it?
[sniffles] 'Cause if I just can't forgive myself,
who can, right?
I don't know if I'll ever stop questioning
who I could have been
if I hadn't walked through those gates,
but I'm damned sure going to make sure I become
somebody I'm proud of anyway. [sniffles]
But it took a lot to get here.
I will live the rest of my life
continuing to heal and understand myself.
If I can just let this be a lesson and then help others,
then I will be content just as I am.
♪
When it came to Playmates,
"Playboy" was extremely controlling.
When I chose to do the magazine, I didn't realize at the time
that a big part of my innocence
was actually taken at that time, too.
Hef invited me up to his bedroom,
and there are seven girlfriends and vibrators everywhere.
I'm like, oh, my God.
They figured, "we made you this Playmate, and we own it."
INTERVIEWER: And so what happened?
I ended up in rehab. What are you talking about?
[laughs]