["Blurred Lines" playing in Spanish]
♪ ♪
- Normally I don't fuck with basic cable,
but when BET said they added a plus sign
and were willing to pay a small fee
to get the guys back together, I said, "Count me in."
So today I invited a few of my closest amigos
to my villa in Mexico to celebrate my big announcement.
I'm gonna be the first celebrity
in the history of celebrities to go to space.
That's right, people,
Captain Kirk ain't got shit on me.
♪ ♪
That's right, we're back, Mitches.
[laughs]
Speaking of white men that you thought were dead.
Since the last time you saw him,
Robin switched from R&B to Espan-soul
and Twitternegro wasn't happy about it.
And I think he's still paying off that lawsuit
for stealing that Marvin Gaye song.
- Well, yeah, that's why I only sing it in Mexico,
'cause the fine's a lot cheaper when you pay it in pesos.
[cheering] - Push, push.
- [grunting]
Hey, you better make sure you get this on ChatSnap.
[grunting] - 100.
- And look at this German jackass.
He's damn near 50 and still trying
to prove he's a young Hollywood hunk.
He's been traumatized ever since Peacock offered him
the role of Uncle Phil in "The Fresh Prince" reboot.
- Stop it, stop it.
- Shame on these racists monstrosities
in which you do refer to as a physician.
I demanded to never, ever birth
any more of my children in white sheets.
Now let's get to it.
All right, I take care of all of
my black, mixed, and racially ambiguous goddesses myself.
- [groaning]
- All right, coalitions of Cannons,
we all we got. COC, NCredible Malik,
I need some brother oven mitts.
- [groaning]
- Some Black barbeque tongs.
Whoo! It's incredible.
- [groaning] - Okay, you ready to push?
- [groaning] - I'm daddy.
[screams] Whoa. - [baby cries]
- Oh, a little beige, you still a king.
Matter of fact, we gonna call you
King Unbreakable Meditation,
aka KUM.
- And what can I say about Nick
that The Shade Room hasn't already said?
I mean, after almost being cancelled last year,
he's gone from seeing "Black Panther"
to becoming one. - [baby cries]
- And I'm convinced, Nick wears those damn turbans
to keep what little brain he has from falling out his head.
- You gonna-- - I'm good.
- Oh, hey, Nelly, this is my friend, Roland.
- Did he just come out the bathroom--
both: What's up?
- You all right? - Yeah.
- Blow it up.
Hey, baby, do me a favor.
- Oh, okay.
- And as you can see, my lawyer Trina
doesn't always make good decisions.
She passed the bar and then she lowered it.
Okay, T, I guess I see you.
- Yeah, after things didn't work out with Wayne,
I decided I'd try something a little different.
- Yeah. - Different.
- Yeah, definitely different.
Comedian to comical, that's...
- Well, I see I'm not the only one,
unless you started a new line of purses.
- Uh... - You just got a third ball.
I know that. - Actually, well, no.
As a matter of fact... - Definitely carrying it.
- I'm waiting. Hey, sweetie.
Look at you. - Hey, Trina.
- Hey, Angela.
I see you. - You see me?
- I guess you and Nelly had more in Common.
- She ready for my little Nelly belly.
- Nelly belly? - Yeah.
Check that out.
- On the flip side, Nelly went from Country Grammar
to proper grammar after hooking up
with the woman who's actually read more
than the police report she filed.
- I see you.
You putting on a little happy weight, too.
- Uh, I'm trying.
- Yeah, you got your little Nelly belly.
- But if he wants this relationship not to go awry,
he better learn more than
E-I-E-I or he will be saying "Uh-oh."
- Well, Trina, good to see you. - Yeah.
Good to see you. - Cheers.
- What? What?
- To new things. - Let's go over here.
- That's--bye, Tri-- - Goodbye.
Have a good day. Enjoy the party.
- [groaning]
Whoo! What's up, party people?
Whoo!
I dig holes.
♪ I dig holes ♪
And you thought El Chapo was the only one with a bunker?
Hey, my bunker got a-a pantry,
a housekeeper...
[chuckles] And a gardener.
Hey, can you dig it?
Huh? Can you dig it?
- And then there's JB.
Ever since the pandemic,
all he can talk about is the coming apocalypse.
Hell, I didn't know alpacas had lips.
- [gasp] - But I do know,
JB's the only known human... - What's going down?
- To get all the COVID vaccines in both arms.
- Where the drinks at?
You goddamn right, and I been drinking bleach.
I'm about to kick COVID in the ass.
♪ ♪
[gargles]
♪ ♪
- And me?
Well, it's been a crazy few years.
I stepped down from the Oscars,
I was in a car wreck,
and I nearly wrecked my life,
but even after all that, I got my beautiful wife...
♪ ♪
Two more beautiful kids,
and I'm the biggest star in Hollywood.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Jump in that ♪
♪ Some in that bitch jump in that ♪
♪ Jump in that fire ♪
- Uh, hey.
Can I get everybody's attention please?
Stop what you're doing.
I don't want to ask you twice. Thank you.
I just want to take the time
to truly celebrate myself.
This is a moment to thank Kevin
'cause Kevin flew all of you out here and for what?
For you guys to celebrate me.
And I know in this moment,
if you had the mic, you would be saying stuff about me.
But you don't, so I'm saying it for you.
I hope that made sense for everybody.
Honey, this is the time for you to kind of celebrate me too.
You want to say something?
- No, Kevin. I think you said it all.
- Nice, nice. You see that?
That's why--that's why we in love.
Girl, if you ain't have those heels on,
I'd kiss you in the mouth. - [laughs]
- Uh, okay. I want to--I want to--I want to do a toast.
So, everybody, let's get a champagne glass.
Let's put some champagne in it.
Where's--where's the waiter? God damn it.
You don't have glasses. Okay.
Uh, we got a waiter? Where's the waiter?
Yo, what the hell you doing in the house?
- What? - What you mean, "What?"
I said the whole house.
After his divorce, Duane fell on hard times
and landed head first in bankruptcy.
He went from waiting on acting jobs to waiting tables.
- Hey, shit happens. It's Hollywood.
Now some people may have too much pride to be a waiter,
but not me 'cause I'm networking.
Y'all remember breakaway suits? Huh?
♪ ♪
Coming to restaurants near you.
- You're not doing a damn thing
but sitting here running your mouth.
Get out there and pop some bottles.
- Anybody thirsty from licking Kevin's salty balls?
- Jesus Christ, I bet if Will called you,
you would've been out here on a goddamn dime.
Okay, everybody, raise your glasses up high.
- Hold, hold, hold up, Kevin. Hold up, Kevin.
Before you get to that, uh,
there's something I need to say.
Excuse me.
- Oh, what?
- [laughs]
- You want to go sing a song? 'Cause I'm not paying for it.
We talked about that. You better not do a song.
It's not in the budget.
I've seen this move before. All the artists do it.
Try to strong arm the promoters.
- Uh, babe, can you come here for a minute?
Thank you so much.
Look at you. Thank you.
You look so beautiful. Look at you.
Jesus Christ.
Uh... [clears throat]
Babe, to put it plainly,
there's not another woman in this world
that's made me feel the way that you make me feel.
Nor use big ass words that I still don't understand
to this day, like repro--reprobation?
- Oh, babe, it's reparations.
- Reparations, see? I--
Can your girl say "reparations," Kev?
- Everybody can say reparations, Nelly.
- Well, it's just one other thing I need to say.
- Oh. - What?
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. - Babe,
- [gasp] How sweet.
Look, babe. - No.
No. - What?
- Would you correct me for the rest of our lives?
♪ ♪
[screaming]
- Yes, baby, yes.
- Is that--is it this one? This hand?
This right here? You sure? - Yes.
Yes. - I don't know.
- That's it, that's enough of this.
That is enough of this "Love & Hip Hop" b-story.
Thank you. - Come on.
- Thank you. - Never mind him, sweetie.
- Yeah, never mind me.
Way to ruin a perfectly good moment.
- Thank you. - Let me tell you something,
LisaRaye with a master's degree,
if you think Nelly got money to pay for that ring,
you have lost your mind.
You can get the fuck out of here.
You hear me? Get out of here with that.
Nelly, you back on the bus slinging that shit?
You doing it again?
You don't learn your lessons
and you're not going to do it on my foundation.
Hello?
Back to the regular scheduled program.
Okay, all right, everybody,
let's get back to what we should be focused on,
which is me. We're celebrating me.
So right now, please,
take your attention to these monitors.
I got a real good friend of mine
who's living life the right way.
You know what I'm talking about, Nelly.
Listen to what he has to say. It's about me.
- Hi, I'm Mark Cuban.
Me and my partners here at Space Y
are so excited to announce the very first celebrity
to voyage into outer space.
Now I thought that would be my favorite star, Kevin Hart.
However, 'cause everybody else in the world wanted The Rock,
we've decided to have a run-off.
- What did he say?
What did he say? What did he say?
Who did he say?
- He said The Rock. - The Rock?
- And because you're both already huge stars--
all right, maybe one of you is
a little bigger than the other?
This contest will prove
which one of you is the real humanitarian.
So whoever spends the most time
and raises the most money for the charity of your choice
will get the final seat
on our inaugural Space Y civilian mission.
You've got 30 days.
Good luck and may the man with the biggest heart win.
- Biggest heart?
I don't give a damn about no charity.
I'm trying to get to space.
This is bullshit.
It's bullshit.
- Pookie, it's okay. You got this.
If anyone can beat The Rock, it's you.
Come on.
And besides, he's so busy.
He ain't thinking about no space.
[phone rings] - Hold on.
Who's this? [phone chimes]
You son of a...
[groans]
Honey, press the eject button on the back of it.
Press the eject button.
[screams]
♪ ♪
- Okay, guys, the game is five card draw.
Kevin and JB, your ante?
- Guys, you have any idea how mad I am?
Did you hear what Mark Cuban said?
I'm pissed about it. Really.
- What's wrong, Kevin?
You mad 'cause you got to raise money for charity?
- No, I paid for all those flights.
I can't get that money back.
- Well, you can kiss space goodnight then,
'cause you definitely not a humanitarian.
[laughs] - Oh, no shit, boys.
Nobody's humanitarians anymore. Everybody went plant-based.
Don't know nothing. - Wow.
Kevin, you really got a little heart in that little Hart.
Here, take two.
- Hey, what you got to do is this.
Don't worry about what the hell everybody else is saying.
You just win this damn thing
and take your Black ass to space.
There's room for two Yodas.
- You know what, JB?
For the first time, you are absolutely right.
He gets me. - What?
- You know what, man?
I don't want to be forgotten like y'all.
Right? - Wow.
- Like--no, no, like, seriously.
I want to be remembered.
I want to--I want to have a statue
of my own that people can look at.
- A statue of yourself? - Yes.
- Yeah, like a hood ornament?
- Oh, that's great. Fuck you, Boris.
I'm being serious. - Mm-hmm.
Okay. - What I do with this?
- JB, you got to give me two cards.
What the fuck? You cheating. - What you doing?
- Let me--let me count. Let me count my cards first.
- You can't see which two you want to get rid of before...
The shit is this?
- That's definitely not--that's not the rules.
- [sighs]
- Kevin, here's what you got to do.
You got to take somebody with you
who have some knowledge, who's wise.
All the space movies out there,
who knows what the hell they doing?
You need to take me with you.
- Did you not hear what Mark Cuban said?
He said celebrity.
- I'm a celebrity.
I'm a celebrity. - You are not a celebrity.
- I'm a celebrity. - You are not a celebrity.
- I'm a celebrity.
How you tell me I'm not a celebrity?
- I can tell you-- - I have celebrity stuff
happen to me every day. - Tell me one thing.
Tell me one thing. - I'm in a urinal.
I'm--I'm peeing in a urinal, dude next to me say,
"Hey, man, I know you. What's going down, JB?"
- All right, does that make him a celebrity?
Or does that make somebody next to you a dick watcher?
- Yeah, pervert. - That's what--
- He looking at my dick. He looking at my dick.
- Listen, you guys have no idea what I have planned.
All right, my last special--my last special
was called "Zero Fucks Given." - [groans]
- So I said, "What am I going to do next?"
This was my next.
My next special was going to be called "Zero Gravity Given."
- Are you serious?
- What do you mean, am I serious?
- That's terrible. - Zero gravity?
- Horrible. - Me doing my special
in space is terrible? Are you kidding me right now?
- In space, awful.
- No, no, I've seen all the movies.
You gonna hold the microphone and your ass gonna float away.
You're gonna float away. - I'm not--
I'm not gonna float away.
- You and everybody gonna float away.
All the chairs, the people... - I have magnets.
- All the drinks, everything gonna float away.
- Honestly, you guys aren't creative.
You see what Chapelle is doing out there in the corn fields?
God knows how long he's been doing that.
I got to--I got to think of something new.
And where the hell is Nick at?
He's got me watching his fucking baby all night.
Him and Robin been gone for long.
- Well, they went down to LA to film "The Costumed Star."
- Well, I guess I can't be mad at that.
At least I got two friends that are working.
- What--what? I'm working, man.
- What you talking about working?
We all working, man. We all got jobs.
- I be--I be back.
Talking to you guys. - Are we not gonna play?
- I--I don't know anymore. - [baby cries]
- He just gonna walk away. - Ain't got no damn job.
I--I got way it happen. - Take the baby!
- Is he really watching Nick's kid?
- There's a baby here.
- Hey, boys, you want a little something?
Shaun and I been growing
these hydroponic vegetables at the house.
They--they're amazing.
You know, I'm getting younger as I eat them.
Ask me how young I am?
- How old are you, JB?
- 42.
Ask me again. - Ask him.
- How old are you, JB? - 28.
Hmm? Huh?
This is nature's Botox right here.
- [clears throat] Baby. - Hmm?
- If I had this house... - Mm-hmm.
- I'd knock that wall down
and open this room up and put an indoor tennis court in here.
You know what I mean? You know what, baby?
I should go play poker with the fellas.
Yeah. - Ooh, yeah, no, it's just that
I think that's a really high stakes game.
- High stakes? No, that's cool, baby.
I only mess with nothing but high rollers.
[chuckles]
Including you. - [laughs]
- Now if you don't mind,
spot me a couple hundred
and I'll get it back to you when I get this stimulus.
- Oh, you're going to pay me back with some stimulus.
- I definitely plan to do that.
- Okay, here you go.
- Pay you back, Jesus. - I got you.
- Look what the Lord sent me. I'll be right back.
- I know you are probably wondering,
why would I put up with someone like that?
But, actually, I see a lot of potential with Roland.
I mean, and he's a contractor.
So he's very handy around the house.
Plus I put up with Kevin.
I mean, this is nothing.
And unlike Kevin, he actually makes me laugh.
Did you see his last special?
- Hey. - Hey.
- I got a question for you. - Mm-hmm.
- First of all, that's going to hit you in about three seconds.
I broke wind back there and it's behind me.
- Great. - Listen to me, um,
if I were to go to Mars, right? - Mm-hmm.
- And I get there and I got my Hartbeat flag on me.
And I plant my flag in that planet,
that's technically my planet, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you would just have to sign some--
sign some federation papers with
the Guardians of the Galaxy,
you know, 'cause the Empire might strike back.
Just a little hiccup with the regulation C-3PO.
It's--you know what?
Let me just hologram you the documents.
- Do that. - Yeah.
- Get them to me as soon as you can.
Do your due diligence.
Also know, just for you to have a better understanding,
I don't want to put a guardian in my galaxy.
I'm not trying to do landscaping.
- No problem. I am not in charge of that.
- This is why I keep you on "waist trainer,"
'cause you sharp. Don't change.
- You mean a retainer.
- Baby, want this?
- JB, he ain't got no teeth. - He not gonna eat.
- What up, fellas?
- Hey, hey, what up, bruh? - How much is the buy-in?
- Oh, man, just a friendly game.
We ain't trying to hurt nobody. 1K.
- One, oh, thou-wow. - [baby coos]
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- He just took my cigar.
- Trina!
- Hey, you took my cigar.
Yo!
- Did one of you all spray Axe body spray on Nick's baby?
- No. - What?
- What is that smell? I smell Axe.
It's like a bunch of Goddamn body spray.
- Oh, it just left.
- Guys, I'm not going to be able
to get to space if I don't win this little competition.
That's the bottom line.
Humbly, humbly...
I'm asking for my guys help.
- [scoffs] - [laughs]
- Well--well, look, Kevin, you may not get to space,
but you my man's and I got something for you.
I want you to be my best man.
♪ ♪
- Whoo! - [laughs]
- What?
- Yeah, man. - I don't know what to say.
- I want you to be my best man. - That's cool.
- Come on, come on, guys. - That's good.
- Stop it, man. - I mean, that's an honor.
That's big, man. - Come on, Nelly.
- What do you mean? I mean, what can I say?
- That's a good choice. - What can I say?
- That's amazing. - What can't you say?
- Give me a second. Just give me a second.
- That's great.
- Who the fuck does he think I am?
Taye Diggs? His best man?
Hell no. There's no way.
But what I will do is lie.
I'll tell him what he want to hear and guess what?
By the time he figure out that I'm not telling the truth,
I'll be in space on tour. [laughs]
- Nigga, I'm right here.
♪ ♪
- Well, I thought I was in a confessional booth.
So this just got weird.
- Wow. [sighs]
- Jesus. - Guys,
why--why can't you just give me a better solution?
Hmm?
How do--how do I do this charity shit?
I don't even know the first thing about it.
How do I go in-- in the direction of--of serving--
serving myself up to win? I don't know.
- All right, what you need to do is link up
with a big organization, a big 501C3.
All right? Like Feed the Children,
Boys and Girls Club, Girls Scouts.
- No. - You know?
People your size. - Don't listen to Boris.
Last time I listened to Boris,
I was marching for German Lives Matter.
- Well, they matter.
- I can't do that.
Great attempt at helping me, but once again, Boris,
I work. I don't have the time.
Okay? It--it's only one of me.
It's only one of me. What don't you understand?
- What, what, what, wait, wait, wait.
We--we all work. - We all work.
- We all work.
- I got jobs. I "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
I got "The Last O.G."
Don't mean--I don't want to even bring up "Spider-Man."
"Spider-Man." - Wait--
He's number one in the country. - You're a temp.
- In the country rankings. - Temp work.
- What is it called? - That ain't temp work.
- That's temp work. - That's not temp work.
- That's temp work. - That's real jobs right there.
- No, no, you get a call and you know what you do?
You go, "All right, I'll do this for a little bit."
And then that's it. - When "Spider-Man" calls you,
that's not a simple job. When "Spider-Man" calls you...
- It's temp work.
I'm talking about work that--I'm talking about this--
I'm doing this much work. You doing this much.
- "Spider-Man" calls you. - I'm doing this much.
- What you talking about? - I'm doing this much.
This what I'm doing. - No, no,no.
- I'm doing this much. - No, no, no.
- That's what I'm doing. - I don't want to hear it.
Boris, I want to hear it from Boris.
See, it's this much. - No, you're not.
- Back up, Boris.
- Okay, what are we talking about here?
- No, you're this much. - It's this much!
No, no, no. - You're this much.
You're this much. - No, you this much.
- No, you're this much.
I'm this much. - No, you're this much.
I'm this much. You're this much.
- No, I'm this much. - No, no, no.
- I'm this much. - No, no, no.
- I work this much. - I'm this much.
- I work this much.
- My arm will go back and-- - I'm a brand.
- I will cut my hands with the back of my hand like clap.
- I'm a brand.
Do I--you know what? You know what?
Okay, you guys asked for it, let's run down Kevin's list.
- Oh, shit. - No, no, no, you wanted it.
You wanted it so I'm gonna give it to you.
Right now, well, who's got
a potential Oscar winner on their hands?
- Oscar winner? - Raise--raise your hand.
That's me. Okay, who has a network?
- Oscar winner? - That's me, all right.
Who's producing a drama series for Trina right now?
That's me. Okay.
Who--who's got to go to therapy with their wife,
Akira, and deal with this stuff with the kids?
That's me again.
You want me to keep it going 'cause I can.
Who else--I mean, I don't know, there's so much.
I can't be in all places at once.
I need help. - Come on, man.
What's wrong with you? Shit, no.
- This is not the time, Duane.
Get your thieving ass up out of here.
- I got a solution to your problem.
- Uh-oh.
- And I think you got to get back to work.
That's what I think.
I don't have time for you to come in here
when we're trying to solve real shit.
Now.
- What happened?
- Hey! The baby!
- There's a baby in here. - You fold.
- Fuck that baby! - [baby cries]
[alarm rings]
Everybody, let me have your attention please.
I need you to get the fuck out.
Right now. Let's go.
- Kev, I got to get my bag. - Let's go.
Go, go. Everybody, let's go.
- Kev, let's go. - I'm coming.
[alarm ringing]
- What the hell, Kevin?
Oh, are you making time for Mr. Nasty?
- No.
No, I'm not. I'm making time for you.
Okay, I got to go. - What?
Where you going?
- Well, I got to help Duane save his marriage.
- But they're already divorced.
- Well, that means it's a lot worse than I thought it was.
- What-- - Come on, come on, let's go.
Let's go--I said move! - Kevin.
- Dragging your ass. Let's go.
- Oh, Kevin's gonna leave me here in Mexico by myself
for Duane Martin? Mm-hmm.
We gonna be talking about this in therapy.
And I better not hear about no blackmail video.
♪ ♪
- Yo, Kev, listen man.
If this works out, you got to promise me
you're gonna help me get back in the business.
- What do you mean, if this works out?
You need to explain to me what the fuck is going on.
You told me there were broncos that I was going to be riding.
- His name is Bronco.
- Damn it, you got me again.
You said, "Get back in the business."
What are you referring to?
You talking about another sex tape?
Something with your dick out? 'cause I got no interest.
- I'm not talking about a sex tape.
I'm talking about a acting gig, Kev.
- That's even worse. No.
No, I'd rather do the sex tape
than have you back in the business on my behalf.
Absolutely not. - You know what?
Do you want to? You just take Bronco yourself.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, hey, hey, hey,
easy, easy. - Okay, Bronco, okay.
He's all right, he's all right. He's all right.
He's an ass. - Fine.
Fine, you want, like, a cameo in "Jumanji" or something?
- You know what? That would be amazing, Kev.
- Okay.
This is it? - All right, yep.
- [groans]
- There we go.
Now listen up. - What?
- When we get in there, only I do the talking, okay?
- Okay. - Clear on that?
- Yeah. - All right.
"Jumanji," right? - I said yes.
- All right.
♪ Bing, bing, bing, bing ♪ - Hey.
- ♪ Bing, bing, bing, bing ♪ - How you been, man?
- I'm good, man.
- What it's been, like, two years?
- Yeah, man, you know I been, uh,
hiding from my wife and kids.
[laughter] - As usual.
Let me get the doctor. - All right.
- Doctor!
- How's Dr. Moreau? - Oh, she's been good.
Staying busy. - Yeah?
Oh, you guys remodeled a little bit, okay.
Doc! - Ah, Mr. Campbell-Martin.
Or is it Martin-Campbell?
- Well, it's just Duane now.
My ex-wife took the two names in the divorce.
- Smart woman.
So I take it this is the young man you were telling me about?
- Yes, this is Kevin Hart.
He wants to be cloned.
♪ ♪
And since you're the only person in the world
that's done it successfully, here we are.
- This is true. - Just, uh--
just looking around.
Just a couple questions before we get into things.
- Mm-hmm. - Who else have you cloned?
- Well, I can't really say,
but do you think the real Melania
would actually have sex with Donald Trump?
- [laughs]
- So you cloned Donald Trump?
Get out of here. - No, what I'm trying to say--
- I didn't expect to know that. - Uh.
- That's more news that I'm walking away with.
That's bomb. - Why don't we have a seat?
- I will have a seat. - Let's do this.
- Oh, man, the seat--oh. - [laughs]
- Scottie Pippen been here too, huh?
All right, well, I'm not here to waste time.
How much we talking?
- Well, Mr. Hart, it is quite expensive,
but since you're half human-sized,
we can offer you a discount. - Discount!
- You're talking circles.
I don't need you to talk in circles.
How many zeroes? Give it to me straight.
- Well, normally we can do it for four--
- How many million dollars? Let's get it done.
- No, no, no, no. It--it--it-- - Kev, Kev, Kev--
- So, you want to negotiate? - Kev, Kev, Kev--
You want to do this? You really want to get into it?
Fine. - Kev, Kev, Kev--
- Will you stop?
That's why I don't take you to meetings.
I'm in the middle of a negotiation
and you still sitting here
tapping me like a little damn child.
Stay out of this business please until it's complete.
What you're doing is distracting.
With that being said,
I want you to erase what you just saw out your mind
and let's get back to doing this.
$5 million. - No, no, you don't understand.
It--it doesn't-- - It--it what?
It's what? Huh?
You don't understand who you're dealing with.
I am what you would like to call a machine.
When I want something, I get it.
When I get it, I take it.
After I take it, I use it.
When I'm done using it, I then throw it away.
It's what a real businessman does.
With that being said, you've got $10 million right now.
- I'm not gonna argue with that.
- Damn right you not argue with that.
$10 million, we got a deal. - [laughs]
The toughest part of cloning Kevin
will be locating the active braincells.
All right, Mr. Hart,
now all I need from you is a DNA sample.
- All right, cool.
All I need is the wifi password and a cup.
I still got twerking and jerking on my phone.
So I can get rid of this quick.
I only got a little bit left anyway.
- No, we only need a hair sample.
- Well, doc, I don't have pubic hair.
That was a little gift for you.
Now I do have a plethora of ass hair.
So you can use that. You can get what you want.
It's hard for me to get back there 'cause I got little arms.
Like a T-Rex.
- The--the ass hair will work. Yes, thank you.
- How long's this gonna take? - Well, to do this properly,
it normally takes about six months.
- You say what? - Six months.
- Six months? You think I got two years to waste?
Sitting here for 630 days.
I don't have that type of time, doc.
Okay, so we gonna have to fast track that.
What do I need to do to fast track it?
- We--we can accelerate the process
but this is cloning. It--it's not Domino's pizza.
We can have them to you in 30 minutes or less.
- Okay, well, you obviously
don't know who you're dealing with.
So if it's more money you want, then just say it.
Talk turkey to me.
Take the fork and put it in it so we can both eat.
You got another $5 million coming to you.
Let's do the math here.
You want to talk numbers,
then let me see how good your math is?
10 million plus another 5 million,
that's $17 million, doc.
Take it or leave it.
That's the offer that's on the table.
- We can have him to you by Friday.
- Give me one. - Yes.
Good deal, Kev.
- All right, I'm gonna let you and the "Bride of Chucky"
finish doing what you're doing while I get up out of here.
- Um, yes. - Okay.
By the way, whatever work you have done on yourself
is glowing. I see it.
- Why, thank you. - Good for you.
Duane, do that paperwork for me.
I'm gonna get out of here. - Yes, yes.
- I'm gonna be on the bronco. - Yes, Kev, Kev...
You outdid yourself, man.
♪ Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing ♪
Yo, check this out.
What I failed to tell Kevin is that I get a 10% finder's fee.
And because we're in Central America,
the IRS will never know where I is are.
[laughs] ♪ Bing ♪
Hey! What the fuck?
Who did--you told on me? You fucking chicken.
- [speaks Spanish]
That's French.
- I do still need a hair sample.
- I ain't touching him.
♪ ♪
- Right this way, gentlemen.
You're in for a treat. - All right.
Doc. - Duane.
Oh, and Mr. Hart. Oh, I can't wait to show you.
Please, step in.
Now I just want to warn you that
we had to cut a few corners. - You don't have to explain it.
Trust me, I know all that stuff will be figured out.
I just want to see him.
Open up the box please. - Mm-hmm.
- I've always wondered how excited
somebody must feel to be introduced to me.
And now I get to experience it.
I can't wait to meet me.
[whirring]
Nervous. [chuckles]
[beeping]
You got to be shitting me?
♪ ♪
- Look, Daddy.