# You've been saying I'm driving you crazy
# And I haven't been around for you lately
# But I had a few things on my mind. #
Birdy, I love this song as much as you do,
I just don't feel like it's an upper for a night out.
Oh, please! No, I'm putting my foot down.
UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, I'm so glad we went for pastel pretty rather than shimmer sultry.
Me too.
Maybe we shouldn't do mascara in case the foam gets in my eyes.
It's waterproof. No, it's not just that.
I'm scared I'm going to slip over.
And what if it aggravates my eczema?
You can't be scared of soapy water.
I don't get why everyone's acting like it's so normal
to go to the student union in a bikini in the dead of winter.
What are you guys doing here?
I thought we were meeting you at the club.
What?
We heard something at the pub.
I bet it was that fucking rugby player who started it.
The one on your geography course?
Yeah, the one, whose face looks like a packet of raw sausage meat
that's been thrown against a wall.
I've heard him before, talking about girls in the most disgusting way.
Do you know what? I'm going to go out tonight
and I'm going to pull down his fucking chinos,
and then I'm going to stamp on his balls so hard
they turn into two little patties.
Then, I'm going to stack 'em up in a bun,
and then, I'm going to shove that double fucking whopper
down his fucking gob until he fucking chokes.
Nell, could you be a little less... What?
..Scottish? No, she's right.
Maggie, don't worry. They're not going to get away with this.
Yeah, if they've done this to one girl, they'll do it to others.
There's got to be someone at the student guild we can report it to.
Maggs, I think...I think maybe you should stop looking at it.
Yeah, turn that off. We need to get you a drink.
We need to go out, let's get covered in foam.
Exactly. Let's get covered in foam, then cut off some dicks.
Nell!
We don't have to go out, if you don't feel like it.
What do you want to do?
WHISPERS: Maggs, are you awake?
Yeah.
How are you feeling?
I feel like I don't want to exist.
Not forever, I just...
..don't want to be...
..here...
..right now...
..being me.
Maggs, you didn't do anything they didn't do.
Why are you the one in trouble? You didn't do anything wrong.
But I feel...
..wrong. I feel like...
..there's something wrong with me.
You'll only feel like this for a bit, I promise.
I'm sorry I'm such a mess.
You're not. I am.
I'm so loud...
..and clumsy and I always get things wrong
and I forget things and I lose things
and I know I'm this disaster but I can't ever seem to change.
I don't want to be this constant storm, causing chaos everywhere.
You're not a storm.
You're a hurricane.
Hurricane Maggie.
It's like what Katy Perry said.
What did Katy Perry say?
After a hurricane, comes a rainbow.
See, you're the hurricane and the rainbow.
You blow through a place,
leaving the most spectacular thing as you go.
No-one ever forgets you once they've met you.
No-one else sees me the way you see me.
We'd be lost without each other, wouldn't we?
We would.
# When I was a single girl
# I had clothes of the very best kind
# Now that I'm a married girl
# Go ragged all the time
# Wish I was a single girl again
# When I was a single girl
# I had shoes of the very best kind
# Now that I'm a married girl
# Go barefoot all the time... #
KNOCKING
Come in.
Hi.
Hi. I didn't realise you were in.
Yeah.
What are you doing tonight?
Nothing, why?
Do you want to maybe hang out, like, just the two of us?
We could bake cookies and do makeovers. Do makeovers.
Yeah, cool.
Cool.
# Wish I was a single
# Girl again. #
And the investors dropped out on Friday at 6pm, yeah.
So, I spent all of yesterday on the phone.
Come on, you need more than that.
Dad, I'm OK. I've got enough.
That's why you need to hire me as your lawyer.
But you can't afford me. DOORBELL
No business talk on the Lord's Day.
Really? Come on. I want leg!
Amara always has the leg. She's the baby.
She's not the baby any more, Dad.
Sorry, sorry.
Hey. Couldn't get out of it.
The clients could only visit the property today.
Happy birthday, Dad.
Thank you.
Soften the lateness with a present.
I'll put it on the table for you, Dad.
You missed a scandal at church today. Oh, my gosh, yes.
Uncle Joseph came with his new fiancee. What?!
Spicy, spicy.
Weren't you at his wife's funeral last month?
Don't judge, Uncle Joe's a man. He has needs.
He's 89.
Thank you.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
And I'm wearing this thick cardigan,
and everyone in the practice is freezing cold,
but she won't have the window shut.
And I know it's because she's...
WHISPERS: ..menopausal.
But if she'd just take...
WHISPERS: ..HRT like I did, she'd be fine.
Where are they? I don't know.
You don't seem like yourself.
Is everything OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
How are things in London? They're good.
I had an appraisal with my line manager on Friday
and she says that I'm doing well.
So, you're enjoying it?
Yeah, I think so. It's work, isn't it? You're not meant to enjoy it.
You enjoyed your dancing.
Actually, I have been dancing a bit again. Just a couple of auditions.
I got a final call back for a really big job
but I obviously wouldn't take it if I got it,
and I'm probably not going to get it anyway, so don't worry.
I'm more worried about my daughter
who's given up her greatest passion with no explanation.
And now doesn't seem very happy.
Mum, do you know what that would mean? If I became a dancer,
I wouldn't have a full-time job like the others.
I wouldn't have a regular salary.
I'd have to do temp work. Would you be OK with that?
What would you regret more -
not having money while you're young,
or not giving everything to the thing you love the most?
Come on! Darling, it's started!
Amara, Amara, come on.
Hurry up, hurry up, it's going to start. It's going to start.
Come on, quick, quick.
Please, no false start. No false start. OK.
STARTING GUN
COMMENTATOR: And they're away and Gatlin's off to a fine start.
Blake is with him but here comes Bolt.
Come on, run!
Run, yes!
COMMENTATOR: Here he comes, Usain Bolt. Yes, yes, yes!
THEY CHEER
COMMENTATOR: Blake takes the silver. What a win for Usain Bolt!
Absolutely brilliant.
Yeah!
COMMENTATOR: Usain Bolt, what an athlete! What a race!
And the crowd here in the Olympic Stadium
are loving every second of this.
I could've done that, you know.
I was so good at sprinting.
I was like the fastest girl in my whole school.
Did you know that the Olympic Park is the same size
as 300 football pitches?
And it's like riddled with insects, I was reading.
And they've planted 13,000 trees,
which is like a bit excessive, isn't it?
I mean, we all like trees but you can sometimes have...
..too many.
So, do you do this with all your NQTs?
No.
I, um...
..should probably go home.
I think we probably both should.
Um, I will see you in...
..a couple of weeks.
MUSIC: C'est la Vie by B*Witched
What? Nothing.
Look...
..Nathan is a very literal man.
Clearly.
This is like when you once mentioned you liked space to your mum
when we were 11, and then every birthday,
all you got was solar system socks and books about Neil Armstrong.
Did I? Yeah.
Your memory is insane.
I don't know how you remember all those details.
Sometimes I think you remember more about me than me.
Of course, I do. That's the whole point of being best friends
with someone your whole life.
One day we'll be old, and we'll need each other
to remember everything that's happened.
Makeovers?
Makeovers.
BOTH: Bagsy I go first!
I like that one.
That is a lovely shade.
But it depends on what kind of look we're going for today.
Are we going dewy and doe-eyed or smoky-eyed vixen?
Oh, um...
I'm thinking smoky-eyed vixen.
WHISPERS: OK, love it.
Oh, actually, mm... Can I have both?
Yes, I can do both.
Wow.
OK.
Hi, Nell. We're doing makeovers.
I'm going upstairs. I'll talk to you later.
RINGING
Get your cock out.
I love glitter.
Me too.
Will you French plait my hair after?
Of course.
COMPUTER: Oh, my God. That was amaz...
Fuck.
Oh, what have you been up to today, Nell?
Spin class.
Why do you look like a My Little Pony?
She looks dewy and doe-eyed.
Urgh, you two and your makeovers.
You've watched too many teen movies.
Impossible.
Oh, Nell, we should do you next!
You could totally be a smoky-eyed vixen.
100% smoky-eyed vixen.
Nah, you're all right.
Peace out, lil mamas.
Peace out, lil mamas?
Hmm.
Are you ready to see your new look?
Ah, I love it. You love it? Yeah!
WHISPERS: OK.
What does that one look like? Oh, my God. That's so nice.
Margaret and Belinda, this again?
IMITATES AMERICAN ACCENT: He's so going to ask you to prom.
Oh, do you really think so?
OK, my go.
OK.
Do you want tawny temptress or a bold red lip?
Bold red lip.
That was fun.
I loved it.
Night-night.
Night.
I'm heading out. I'll be back in a bit. What? Why?
Don't leave. We're just about to start shooting.
Gagging for a fag, babe. I need to go to the shop.
It will start with the shop,
but then you'll walk past a Ferrari showroom
and you'll be in there signing paperwork
and none of us will be able to get hold of you
and Roisin will be losing her shit.
We have been here before, Kyle.
So, no.
Look, if I don't have a fag,
I won't be able to concentrate in the scene.
Wait here.
Anyone, cigarette?
Do you smoke? No, you don't. OK.
Cigarettes anyone?
Any cigarettes behind the bar? Please?
OK, sorry, excuse me.
OK, here you go.
You're welcome.
# Once my love stood still like a stagnant
# Well, for so long you could hear
# The song of spiders Strumming fibre
# Calling her to the web
# My river sits in ebb The little ones
# Lean over, laughing echoes
# Bounce down the dark until it hits the floor
# Singin', come on, baby come on, child, call your flow
# Like a seed of wonder Faith of mustard
# Oh, yeah, oh, yeah
# Ooh
# All is dark All of the light is vanished
# It is gone like something large
# Hovering high has covered up the sun
# And something quiets the silken ringing... #
Thank you, everyone.
You're definitely going to get it. Do you think so?
Yeah. Yeah, no, they were properly staring at you.
Trust me, it's yours.
Oh, I hope so.
Yeah, well, good luck.
Thank you, you too.
OK, series finale, last scene - we all prepped? Yep.
Great, OK. OK.
When Kyle finds out, it's going to be electric.
OK. Positions, everybody, please.
Right, and we are turning over...
..and action.
So, how's your swimwear line going, babe?
It's good. We're about to launch a new range.
It's Saint-Tropez-themed, all turquoises and golds,
like very chic, very 1980s Catherine Deneuve.
Wow, yeah, amazing.
We'll cut all this.
How are you? Are you still dating Bohemia?
Yeah, things are going great.
I really like the girl. How about Jade?
That break-up was pretty bad.
Here we go. Now, we're cooking with gas.
Yeah, we were both hurt at the time, but we're mates now.
Kyle, there's something I have to tell you.
What is it?
I hate to be the one to tell you this,
but someone's has to cos everyone is talking about it.
When you and Jade were together...
Yeah?
Say it!
..she slept with someone else.
Oh, well.
Cut!
What the fuck just happened? I don't know.
Fuck.
We can't end an entire series on, "Oh, well."
I don't understand why he didn't react?
I think I know why.
What?
I think Kyle read my notebook.
Maggie. I know.
Why the fuck was that notebook anywhere near a cast member?
He was hassling me about going outside for a cigarette.
Everyone - everyone - knows that the most important rule
is you do not leave documents about an episode lying around.
How could you be that stupid?!
I'm so sorry.
OK. Well, we need to have a serious discussion tomorrow.
I thought you could handle it but you're clearly out of your depth.
You guys were going to make me the joke of the series.
Kyle, I don't know how many times I have to tell you this -
we are following your real life.
We only show what you do.
You make yourself the joke of the series.
I know how it works. This show only works if I'm being a tit.
That's the only way you get your footage.
If you really think that, then why are you even doing it?
Like, stop making both of our lives so difficult.
You can't have it both ways, OK?
You can't be the star of the show,
as well as wanting to be behind the scenes on the show.
You can't be angry about being a cog in the machine,
whilst being desperate to be the shiniest fucking biggest cog
in the whole fucking machine.
You know what? Fuck you for thinking you can use me like some little toy!
No, fuck you for choosing to put your life on camera to get famous,
and then throwing a tantrum when it doesn't go exactly your way!
And fuck you for ruining my career.
Fuck you.
I only drink this when I'm miserable.
Or when I'm trying to impress men.
I know the bloke who just bought this distillery.
Met him in a hot tub at the San Diego Yacht Club.
That sounds like a Barry Manilow song.
Everyone's always thought I'm only good for three things -
cars, clubs and fit birds.
Then, this show comes along, wants to make me famous for it.
So, obviously, I'm going to go with it.
I'll pose naked with a bunch of roses over my Hampton
for a bingo advert.
I'll cut the ribbon at the opening of the world's first shisha gym.
And now, I'm kind of stuck being that person.
Who were you before?
Well, that's the thing - I don't remember.
My dad bought me and my mates my first table at a nightclub
for my 13th birthday...
..and people have been hanging out with me ever since.
Are they there cos they like me?
Or do they just like this...
..persona?
I think everyone feels like that. Do they?
I mean, I feel like that.
Quite a lot, actually. Feel like I'm giving a performance.
But we're different, I don't think anyone's watching me.
Grim.
Right, I'm off.
You all right, mate?
Get whatever she wants and stick it on my tab. Sure.
She's going to need some Dutch courage
before she goes to her boss and begs for her job back.
If you're sure?
I am. But thank you so much, for everything.
Yes, I did it!
Hi. Hi.
What are you doing here?
I wanted to let you know that I'm going to be eating
tomorrow night, about 8pm.
I'll pick you up at 7:30pm.
Good. Good.
Roisin, I want you to know I accept full responsibility for...
I don't want to see you right now, Maggie.
I understand, but I've had some ideas of how we can save the finale.
I don't want your ideas!
Go home!
SHE SOBS QUIETLY
Why are you knitting now?
I need a few trial runs to get it right in time for winter.
What is it?
It's a pair of socks for Nathan.
Cosy.
You haven't been off your phone for like an hour. Who are you texting?
My sister.
Aw, how is she?
She's great. She's just bought a new car, actually.
Another Peugeot or...?
Huh? Is it another Peugeot or a different make?
Oh, I don't know.
Hey!
How'd it go?
Really well.
And I quit my job.
Oh, my God, Amara.
That's amazing. Do you have a plan?
No, but that's the point.
I want to be open to anything.
I need to be free to go to all the auditions.
You only get, like, seven years to do this properly and make it work,
so I've got to try.
Well done, mate.
Thanks, I feel so fucking relieved.
Hiya.
You all right?
Mm, just a full-on day.
Amara's got amazing news.
I quit my job.
What?!
No way.
I'm so proud of you. That took so much guts. Thanks, Maggs.
Have you heard back about the audition?
No, but they've said they're going to let us know by tonight.
Why was your day so full-on?
Oh, it's boring. It doesn't matter. Let's celebrate.
I am going to make a cocktail called The Amara. Stay here.
To Amara, the best fucking dancer in London.
Yeah! Woo!
Mm. Ooph.
I think we should play Never Have I Ever.
We are not playing that stupid game.
For the millionth time, we already know everything about each other.
I don't know, we might have some new secrets.
Birdy, you go first.
All right.
Never have I ever...
..been to Peterborough.
Oh, fuck's sake. Why?
OK, OK, let's play a different game.
THEY LAUGH
I Spy? A drinking game.
Oh, there is...
Actually, maybe not. What?
I got given this game as a present from someone at work but...
I don't know, it seems a bit dangerous.
In what way? Go on.
Well, I haven't opened it yet, so I don't know exactly what's in it.
What's it called?
It's called Evil Friends.
ALL: Ooh!
METAL CLANGS
What was that?
I think James still hasn't fixed the broken towel rail.
We should play it.
Why do I get the feeling someone's going to die tonight?
# Brudder bought a coconut, he bought it for a dime
# His sister had anudder one, she paid it for de lime
# She put de lime in de coconut, she drank 'em bot' up
# She put de lime in de coconut, she called de doctor, woke 'im up
# And said "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?"
# I said "Doctor, to relieve this bellyache?"
# I said "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?"
# I said "Doctor, to relieve this bellyache?"
# Now, lemme get this straight
# You put de lime in de coconut, you drank 'em bot' up
# Put de lime in de coconut, you drank 'em bot' up... #
Compete to be the most evil friend in
a cut-throat game of revelations,
where kindness gets you nowhere and the truth wins you everything.
Ooh!
Who's going to go first?
I'll go, I'll go. "Who amongst you has the biggest cock?"
This is just silly.
Nell, I think you'd be hung like a horse,
but you wouldn't shout about it.
Whereas Maggie, you'd be the opposite.
Everyone would think you're hung, but really you'd be teeny.
Are you taking the piss?
Wait, what would mine be?
Oh, erm...chode, maybe?
What's a chode?
Short and wide.
Now, that is a horrible thing to say.
What? Everyone knows width is better than length.
"Short and wide!"
Cheers. Cheers.
# Put de lime in the coconut, she called de doctor, woke 'im up
# Said "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?"
# I said "Doctor, to relieve this bellyache"
# I said "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?"
# I said "Doctor, now lemme get this straight"
# You put de lime in the coconut, you drink 'em bot' up... #
It's just two more, two more then you're done.
Don't put that on Facebook. Amara! Don't put that on Facebook!
"Who is most likely to eat their friend if they were starving
"and without food?"
That one's really hard. None of us would do that.
We'd all rather starve.
Birdy. Birdy.
What? Have you guys discussed this? That I would eat you?
Yeah, that's all we do, Birdy.
We sit around and talk about whether you're a cannibal.
# Put de lime in the coconut, drink 'em bot' down
# Put de lime in your coconut, and call me in the morning
# Whoo-hoo, ain't there nothin' you can take?
# I say "Whoo-hoo-ooh to relieve your bellyache?"
# You say "Well whoo-hoo-ooh, ain't there nothin' I can take?"
# I say "Whoo-hoo-ooh, to relieve your bellyache?"
# You say "Yaa-ahh, ain't there nothin' I can take?"... #
One, two, three.
Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
# I said "Doctor, ain't there nothing I can take?"
# I said "Doctor, you're such a silly woman."
# Put de lime in the coconut and drink 'em bot' togedder
# Put de lime in the coconut, and you feel better
# Put de lime in the coconut, drink 'em bot' up
# Put de lime in the coconut and call me in the morning
THUNDER CRACKS
# Yes, you call me in the morning
# You call me in the morning, I'll tell you what to do
# If you call me in the morning, I'll tell you what to do
# If you call me in the morning... #
"Who is most likely to get divorced?" Me, I think.
Definitely not you.
You've never had a relationship that's lasted
more than three months. You cannot get divorced from a dating app.
You've got a point.
I think it's Birdy, I'm afraid.
I'd never get divorced. I saw what it did to my family.
Birdy, don't take it so personally. We're just saying,
it's easy to think you've met the best person in the world,
then you get married and then you realise
there are other people who may be better.
Look at me and Neil.
Me and Nathan are nothing like you and Neil.
Whoa! Everyone. Birdy, drink. Nell, take a card.
"Who in the group would you most like to fuck?"
Maggie, I don't think I could handle your sexual drama.
Birdy, I can't imagine what that even would be.
But I know you'd text me too much afterwards.
It's good to check in!
I mean, probably Amara?
Because I know we could fuck and you'd have no emotional attachment.
Cheers, I guess?
Right, you're just more disengaged. Free.
Those are two completely different words, but OK.
"Who is most likely to be a murderer?"
Oooh!
I think Nell.
Yeah, me too.
She's very good at keeping secrets.
And she's got that ruthless killer instinct.
Aw, thanks, guys.
Now, I was briefly offended but that's actually a great compliment.
Are you sure it's Nell?
Who else would it be?
I guess it would be Nell if it was one of those nerdy murders
that's all planned out with lots of maps and graphs.
But if it was a horny murder, I think it would be me.
What's a horny murder?
You know, like a crime of passion.
"Who is most likely to get put in the friend zone by a crush?"
Nell!
Drink, Nell.
No, I'm not going to drink.
It's because you're so funny and down-to-earth.
Yeah, and matey.
Exactly, yeah, you can be very matey.
Like a cabbie.
No, no, no, no, no, she's too rude to be a cabbie.
She's more like a sarcastic ticket inspector.
Yeah. Oh, my God. 100%.
Don't think I don't know what you're all trying to say
with your "matey", "cabbie",
"sarcastic ticket inspector" bullshit.
What you really mean is I'm unfuckable.
Oh, mate, we were only joking.
No, you're not.
You've always put me in this sexless role.
Like, "Nell's the responsible one. Nell's the blokey one."
"Let's take the piss out of her boyfriend."
"Oh, my hair looks so good, Nell." "Take a picture of me, Nell."
"Oh, what's the football score, Nell?"
"Can you explain global warming to us, Nell?"
Well, here's something you don't know about Nell.
Nell's about to start fucking her married boss.
She snogged him in the pub
and then she wanked herself senseless online to him last night.
So, no, Nell's not in the friend zone. Nell's in the sex zone.
Way-oy! Wanked herself off!
Nell. You're going to have an affair with a married man?
Yep. It's my turn to be the leading lady for once.
He made a vow to his wife, Nell. That's really serious.
Oh, Birdy, chill out.
Stop being such a weird Mormon virgin.
I'm not being a Mormon vir...
When did you became so boring and judgmental?
I can't believe you're doing this to the sisterhood.
Oh, here we fucking go!
All these years,
you have been a secret woman hater.
Birdy, you're not a prefect for monogamy
because you've had a boyfriend for less than a year.
And Maggie, cool it with the fake feminism.
We all know that you're just jealous that it's not you. And Amara...
Hey, I'm on your side!
Yeah, well you're all fucking me off.
Do you know what, Nell, if this is the choice
that you want to make, then fine.
But you're not doing it under my roof.
I'll do whatever the fuck I want. We all pay rent to live here.
Yeah, it's not your roof, it's our roof.
Aww, do you know what? You can do whatever the fuck you want
because I'm moving out to live with Nathan!
Fuck this.
Birdy, what the fuck? You can't do this to us.
Who are we going to get to move in to your room?
Not my responsibility.
You haven't given us any notice. I've just quit my job.
I didn't tell you to do that!
Can you not see how selfish you're being?
We are all meant to be in this together.
And now you're just walking away
like we haven't been planning this for years.
I'm moving in with my boyfriend. I'm not doing anything wrong.
Yeah. I bet he told you to say that, didn't he?
Magg...
Maggie, please.
This, this has been really, really hard for me.
This has been really hard for me too.
Watching you slowly disappear from my life.
Were you only ever friends with me while you were waiting to find a boyfriend?
No! No, of course not.
You have always been my most important person.
I don't know if we should be that to each other any more.
It's not healthy. We can't go on like we were.
We have to grow up and have our own lives.
But you don't want that. You just want Nathan's life.
You've just become a version of Nathan.
What?
Yeah, you've lost yourself.
I don't recognise you any more.
Every CD in your car is Nathan's favourite band.
Everything you wear is something Nathan bought for you.
You've handed over your entire personality
to the first man who asked you out.
I don't know where the real you has gone.
This is the real me!
Whoever you think I am isn't who I want to be.
And even if I am like Nathan, so what?
It's better than just being a version of you, Maggie.
I can't live with you and follow you around
and look up to you and copy you,
all so you feel better about yourself.
I never wanted you to be like me.
No, but you have always just wanted me to be one step behind you.
I always wanted you to be your own person.
Why does it make you so insane that I'm doing something for me?
Because I want you to live!
Oh, my God. Do you think what you're doing is living?
Drinking and fucking anything for a story?
Maggie, are you even experiencing any of it?
Jesus, are you even alive?
Is that what you think about me?
Is this you telling me you're moving out...
..or is this you telling me you don't want to be friends any more?
Birdy!
I don't know.
I don't know. I just...
I think we just need some space.
I feel like you're breaking up with me.
MUSIC: Stand On The Word by Joubert Singers
What...?
LAPTOP CHIMES
# That's how he works
# That's how
# The good Lord, he works
# That's how he works
# That's how
The good Lord, he works
# That's how the good Lord works
# That's how he works
# That's how the good Lord works
# That's how he works
# We must not question the good Lord
# Have faith in God and trust his words
# We don't know how, we don't know when to see his day
# So we should stand... #