This programme contains very strong language
RADIO BEEPS Eyes on.
We're in position.
We have eyes on the target.
OK, we have him on camera three.
Indigo, can you confirm, suspect is headed towards the north wing?
Affirmative. Suspect in sight. Repeat, suspect in sight.
Move towards target.
Everyone, standby to engage on my cue.
Five, four, three...
Hi, guys! It's pizza time!
Eat-a de pizza! We've lost sight of the target.
Kay, don't do that, Maria's half-Italian.
IN ITALIAN ACCENT: Ah, forget about it.
Dominique, what are you doing?
I've just got one Nduja Really Wanna Hurt Me?
Oh, yes, please. One You Can Call Me Halal.
Any takers? Oh, nice one. One Smells Like Green Spinach?
Yeah, over here. Sue, this has a gluten-free base, OK?
Can anyone see what... Are these free?
Yeah, well, I mean, they cost me 85 quid but...
Well, not with the two-for-one.
Yeah, the point is, I've seen how hard you've all been working
and I just thought you deserved a treat.
Can we focus, please? Is it just Ops Room getting pizzas?
Ah! Oh, ah!
I burnt my mouth on the cheese.
Oh. TESTILY: Does someone have eyes on the target?!
COMMENTATOR:Oh, oh, I'm so sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
We seem to have a slight interruption to proceedings here.
Er, such a shame. It's not the first time we've seen it,
and I'm afraid it won't be the last.
Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves.
That's the European Championships.
20 minutes it'll take to clear that lot up.
I'll have to explainthis to the Home Secretary.
PHONE VIBRATES Ringing me already.
Hello.
Yes, sir. No, no, no.
Erm, er, let me explain.
Does anyone want garlic dip?
It's herbalicious.
RADIO PRESENTER:The countdown to carnival has officially begun
and this year promises to be better than ever...
So, what does the work day have in store for Agent Archibald?
Just...regular work stuff, Dad.
Yeah, but I'm interested.
I've never known anyone before who works for the Food Standards Agency.
Actually, I think I know someone who works there.
Yeah, I don't know them.
Dom, I haven't told you her name yet.
LAUGHING:It's Patricia.
She's in my Zumba class.
Yeah, it's a...it's a big place, Julie.
Yeah, there's a lot of foods,
in case you hadn't noticed.
And a lot of standards. Mm.Mm.
Like, erm, fish, and that's just one off the top of my head.
And chips - that's a whole other department, so...
Right. SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
Zumba.
My God! Don't make me regret telling you!
Because it's treason, by the way, you know, if you say anything.
I could have you sent to the Tower.
Dom...
What?
Your mum would be so proud of you.
Thanks.
The straight wig, though, I just... Oh, my God, you ruined it.
No, I'm... Look, I don't think it's...It's fine. Bye.
Dom, I just... I don't think it's you.
Morning. OK, so pizzas tanked,
so we've got to think of something else.
I've got to get these stuffy muppets to like me
or I'm gonna be stuck in Archives for ever.
Well, I'm not sure that's why you're in Archives.
It's not for lack of ability, is it?
I exposed an entire government conspiracy.
Yeah, so you keep telling everyone.
Well, I'm not gonna hide my light under a bushel, Kay.
That's in the Bible. You should know that.
DETECTOR WHOOPS
Morning, Mo.
How you getting on with Percy Jackson?
Racing through it.
I need to search your bag. Why?
You searched mine yesterday.
It's supposed to be random searches.
That wouldn't be random, would it?
That would be a pattern.
SHE SIGHS
OK, so I need to find another way to dazzle these people,
so ideas, Kay, because I can't be both the brains
and the beauty in this outfit.
Look, it's early days. People are still getting to know you.
It's been nine months, Kay. They know me.
Oh, OK, well, I'm not sure grand gestures is the answer.
Hmm. I think you should try being a bit nicer to everyone.
Mo, what are you doing? Are you trying to feel up my bag?
Do you want me to turn around, get you two a room?
Burn some candles, some Kenny G? What do you want?
Sorry, what were you saying?
Oh, I was just saying,
maybe you should try being a bit nicer to everyone.
Noted.
WHISPERS:Thank you.
Er, maybe you should stay out of Fisher's way,
at least until the snooker's over.
INDISTINCT TV CHAT
Payslip.
You know, Graham,
some consider it a common courtesy in the workplace to wear shoes...
..and socks.
Not if they want rid of a fungal infection.
ANGRILY:Oh, you motherf...
Tom?
What's up, my man?
Yeah, how do you do?
Erm, could you listen to this? I'm sending it to you now.
Yeah. And tell me what you think he's saying here.
Sure, what is it? Like, a wire tap?
No, no, it's a music video.
Lil' Shit And The E5 Murderers.
They're a UK drill crew.
Yeah, cool. Erm...
I'm not familiar with their bars.
But, er, I had, erm, Bonkers by Dizzee Rascal as a ringtone.
So... OK. Should be all right.
Er, do you think he's saying cellphone,
as in American cellphone... Yeah.
..or self-own, which, according to the Urban Dictionary,
means unforced error?
How are you getting on transcribing those lyrics, Kay?
Er, slowly. But surely.
All right. Well, we will need them by Friday, all right?
The minister is expecting them.
Yeah. Alasdair, I've always found myself wondering
how the lyrical content of UK drill music
relates to national security, but... HE CHUCKLES
..I am sure there are better brains than mine on top of that.
I mean, you don't get to be the Home Secretary
unless you're the cream of the crop, you know what I mean?
You know?
So, Friday, OK? So...
HE SIGHS
Hi, I'm just gonna have a quick word with her. No, it's fine.
Hi, er, Ma'am. Again, sorry about the whole pizzas thing.
I think we can all agree,
the sentiment was lovely, but maybe the timing...
Dominique, I'm rather busy here, listening to a conversation in Urdu.
Right. Cool, yeah.
I mean, I could help.
You know, I used to be a regular at the Kebabish in Upton Park.
Got pretty close with the staff there.
They called me Kali Puut.
Hmm. Dominique... All right, OK.
Just very quickly, erm, I just got my payslip
and it's wrong again.
Take it up with Accounts. Yeah, I actually already have,
so I was wondering if you could just tell them...
I have full confidence in you sorting this out yourself.
Was there anything else?
Yes, actually, er...
It's just that, erm,
I've been in Archives for six months now
and I'd just really like to get my teeth into some casework,
and I know you were out in the field at 27 in Berlin,
which I'd love to pick your brain about, by the way,
but maybe Kirsty didn't tell you about my experience on the field
at Brightmarsh... Oh, she did,
and you've been very good at reminding us.
But, you know, I can understand
why you might feel the need to shout that more loudly than others.
Dominique, look, you need to learn how this place works
from the ground up...
The ground would be a promotion. I am sub-basement.
You're where I need you to be.
This place isn't somewhere you want to run before you can walk.
This place runs on protocol.
It's important you learn that.
Thank you, Ma'am.
They wouldn't treat me like this in the Kebabish.
Psst!
I believe that when Lil' Shit says,
"Call me on my cellphone,"
he's playing on the fact that it sounds like
"Call me on the self-own".
OK. HE LAUGHS
These guys!
I honestly believe that they're the poets of the street.
Yeah, great. Just another 18 tracks of this stuff to decipher.
It's a shame you can't just ask the guy.
Yeah.
DRILL MUSIC PLAYS
Kay, I need your help.
Anything. I need you to talk to Debra in Accounts.
Anything but that. Oh, come on, she likes you.
Yes, and she expresses it in ways that defy scripture.
Kay, I have been underpaid again.
And I've tried talking to this wench but she just glares at me
like I sucked her mum or something.
Please! Just do this for me!
Ple-e-e-e-a-see! Stop! Stop it, stop it, stop it!
A man on the road to Jericho was set upon by thieves...
Ugh!
I wish I'd never taught you that parable.
Thank you.
WHISPERS:Linda, he's coming over. He's coming over!
Hi, Debra.
Hey, you need to stop coming over or HR'll think we're shagging.
SHE LAUGHS
No, no, I've literally never been in here before.
No, but you've got your ways of finding me.
Came up behind me in the canteen yesterday.
Oh! What have I said?
No, we were queuing up for cheesy chips.
Mm... What can I do for you?
Bear in mind... WHISPERS:..there's witnesses.
I wanted to ask you about a colleague's payslip.
Dominique Archibald.
She's been underpaid for the third month in a row.
She's already been on at us.
It'll get done when it gets done.
OK.
Hey, are you going to after-work drinks tonight?
No, I don't drink.
Don't come on to me after I've had two Bacardi Breezers.
I can't guarantee your safety.
Well, thank you.
Come back soon.
He is exactly my type.
Well, I tried to insert your request in between Debra's innuendo.
There you go. Mm. Come on.
And by the way, it's after-work drinks tonight
and I think you should go.
Eww! No, no way. No...
No, it's how you turn colleagues into friends.
OK, I'll go if you go.
No, Dom, we've spoken about this.
I don't attend venues that mix alcohol and unmarried women.
Plus, I have something I need to do.
Look, just go for one. It'll be fine.
And be nice, like Ellen.
I don't have the heart to tell you.
What? What did she do?
Hi. All right there?
One drink, one drink. You can do this. Come on.
MAN: You just, you sit there wondering,
"Where do they find these people?" LAUGHTER
Oh, hi.
Hi, guys. Erm, I'm just gonna go to the bar,
if anyone wants anything, or...
Yeah, I'll, erm, I'll have a double pepperoni stuffed crust.
LAUGHTER
SHE LAUGHS FLATLY
Oh, that's really good! Because of the whole pizza thing,
which you all ate, by the way, you greedy f...
..buggers.
Excuse me.
Julian, don't be mean to the diversity hire.
THEY SNIGGER
All right? What can I get for you?
Er, can I get a half a cider and some Bacon Fries...
No, two Bacon Fries, please.
And for you? Hello, mate. Can I get a pint of Guinness, please?
Yeah, sure. Lovely.
Hey.
You work for the firm, too, right?
I mean, everyone here does.
So many spooks, they could do an exorcism.
Here you go.
Oh, it's just, I feel like I've seen you...
Yeah, I'm gonna stop you there, mate, OK?
Er, I don't need you to start a conversation with me.
I'm just gonna drink this and, er, be on my way, thanks.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, me too.
I'm just trying to avoid that lot, to be honest.
So bloody draining.
Yep.
I'm gonna see that off, get home and rescue what I can of the evening.
Grand Designs.
Steve.
Dom.
Nice to meet you, Dom. Hey, nice to meet you.
Lil' Shit?
Yeah. Of Lil' Shit And The E5 Murderers?
Bruv, what is this?
Sorry, my name's Kay.
I'm a big fan. I've been trying to decipher some of your bars,
which are excellent, by the way,
and I'm having some trouble with a couple of them.
Who gave you my address, bro?
Oh, sorry, yeah, no, I should've started with...
Erm, er, I recognised your block from, er, one of your music videos,
so I came here, I saw a young lad on a bike,
asked him if he knew where you lived and it turns out he's your uncle.
Sake! Andre, man! So, your diss track,
Balls Pond Boys Bleeding Out...
WOMAN:Neville! What are you doing with the door open with your asthma!
Ah-ah! Mrs Ajibola?
Yes? It's me - Kay from church.
Kay! So nice to see you!
Neville! Why did you leave Kay standing there like that?
Come in, come in. Of course, of course, no problem.
You're new, right?
Well, nine months. Well, that is new when you've done 12 years.
Yeesh! How you finding it?
Well, I work in a basement,
my boss blames me for ruining the snooker,
and I haven't had a pay cheque that wasn't short
in the last, er, three months. Oh, shit.
Mm-hm. I had that when I first started.
Yeah? Let me guess, they told you to...
BOTH: ..take it up with Accounts. Oh, my God, they're such arseholes.
They are!
So you're in the basement?
Sub-basement. Archives.
Oh, you must work with, erm...
Oh, what's his name?
Graham.
He's such a Graham, isn't he?
SHE CHUCKLES Very much a details man.
You mean he's a twat. He is a twat.
LAUGHING:Yes!
Where are you? Ninth floor, Technical Operations.
Technical Operations?
God, that sounds exciting.
And, like, you experience natural light.
Yeah, it's all right, actually.
We've been doing a fair bit of work with the IRA recently.
The IRA? That sounds lovely.
Well, I mean, I'm always looking for good people.
Really?
Yeah, look, stick your digits in there
and next time there's an opening, I'll give you a shout.
Thanks.
Of course. Cheers to that.
Cheers.
Do you want another one?
Yeah, thanks. Lovely. Mm!
Who's the...who's the woman with the teeth?
It's Michelle. Urgh, Michelle! Eesh!
It's, like, just use a TePe, babe.
No-one wants to see that you've had spinach for lunch.
How's she even doing that? I don't get it. Ugh!
Do you want another one?
Erm...yes, I'd love to but, no, I can't, sorry.
Oh. I've got a bit of homework to do.
Erm, Stephen, is that a classified document outside of the office?
Better not leave it on the Tube again.
THEY LAUGH
Oh, I've really enjoyed chatting with you tonight.
Yeah.
Maybe see you around the office? Mm-hm. Mm.
Night-night.
Night.
So, how was after-work drinks?
Yeah, it was good.
It was really good, actually.
I made a friend, Steve, works on the ninth floor in Technical Operations.
That's great! Yeah. And also, in your face, Kay.
I didn't have to be nice.
Steve likes me because, his words, I tell it like it is.
Has anyone ever told you that your height can be oppressive sometimes?
See ya.
I'll...I'll try to work on that.
Oh, Alasdair, hi. I wanted a word with you
RE - drill lyrics. Oh, yes, have you done them?
Better, I've taken initiative.
OK, well, I don't like the sound of this.
Yeah, so I, erm, I went and spoke to the guy.
You what?!Yeah, yeah, yeah. I told him I was a big fan,
had a sit down with him. Turns out I know his grandma.
Anyway, after chatting with him, I can confidently say
he is a nice guy. He's not a threat to national security.
These lyrics, it's just kids puffing their chests out.
Kay, the papers have whipped people into a panic about these guys,
so the minister just needs to know what they're talking about.
So you need to transcribe the lyrics...by Friday.
Y... S...
So this isn't about solving a problem.
This is about newspapers and politicians
looking like they're doing something?
Well, now you're getting it.
Yeah.
I'll leave you to it.
Oh...
Boiled egg? No, thank you, Graham.
Not, not now. Not ever.
Oh...
What's this?
INDISTINCT TV CHAT
Huh!
So are you gonna keep sitting there acting coy,
or just admit that you got my bloody backpay sorted?
I can neither confirm nor deny.
Just...how? Like, how did you do it?
I've been trying for weeks.
Well, look, let's just say someone owed me a favour.
Like, this place, it runs on favours.
Well, I am going to pay you back so handsomely, my friend,
you'll be pissing Guinness till Sunday.
Well, that's exciting. Something to look forward to. Cheers! Cheers.
His boiled egg smell everywhere, and I can't...I can't do it.
Maybe once a week, but every day? Boiled eggs?
Relentless. Come on, Graham!
If you're looking for something more meaningful to do, then...
..there is a file I need to look at.
Yeah, sure. Floor minus two. There all day.
The thing is, Dom,
I need to look at it without anyone knowing that I looked at it.
OK.
Why?
Because to get stuff done around here,
sometimes you need to work in the shadows.
I mean, you know that better than anyone.
Well, what's the file?
Security plans for the Notting Hill Carnival.
Is something gonna happen there? Not if I can help it.
WHISPERS:Shit.
Listen, I've read your file.
Not even the higher-ups could get the Brightmarsh lot.
You know that rules aren't always useful,
and that is useful.
But...
..if you don't wanna do this, then I totally get it.
To be honest...if I were you, I probably wouldn't do it.
I mean, you could make a lovely little life for yourself here
without rocking the boat.
Ask Graham.
No.
Leave it with me. I got you.
ON TV:The website Board Games Geek maintained a list of over
26,000 games, ranked by the site's...
You, er, not heading off, Graham?
Nah. I've got an hour to kill before Skeptics In The Pub.
Yeah.
Yeah, OK.
Cheeky bevvy before the...the whole gang get together?
Er, you have a good night. See you later.
Er, Kay, can I use your computer for a second?
I just need to print something.
Yeah, OK. Thank you. There you go.
Er, it's to do with periods.
WHISPERS:Yes, yes.
Oh, look, is that Debra over there? No, no, no.
PRINTER BEEPS
Ready? HIGH-PITCHED:Yeah!
OK, let's go. Yeah, let's go! Let's go home.
Hot chocolates are on you. All right.
Night, everyone.
Yeah, Kay, er, don't you wanna go to the loo before we get moving?
A safety wee.
You're a life-saver. Could you hold this for me, please?
I can. And stop calling it that.
BEEP
How long have you worked here?
Nothing. And yet I know, the second that Tube door closes...
All right, Kay, spare me the report.
Oh, come on, then, Mr Random Check. Let's get this over with.
Actually, you're good.
Kay.
Oh, of course.
There you go.
I-I've got a flashlight in there if you need it.
Oh, there it is.
Er, Mo, er, I don't wanna be unprofessional but, er,
do you, er, you wanna grab a drink with me sometime?
What'd you mean?
Oh, come on, you know what I mean, hmm?
I'm married.
Ah, but, er, it's not saying no, though, is it?
Oh. Er, no.
Is it? No?
No, er, I-I mean, no, no, er...
I'm married. Erm, sorry about that.
Here you go. Well, that's too bad.
All the good ones are taken, right, Kay?
Night!
Y-Yeah, have a good evening.
What was that?
Give me your bag. Why?
Give me your bag! No, I don't want to.
I said... No! What are you doing?! Give it to me!
What are you...
Dom! Sorry, I don't know my own strength.
Oh, my gosh!
There. Dom, is that a classified document?
It's just something Steve needs to see.
You can't take a classified...
Sh! Right?
Sometimes, to get things done around here,
you have to work in the shadows.
That is obviously something the Devil would put in his LinkedIn.
Nobody even noticed. Kay.
Tell me you finished those lyrics.
Oh, er, yeah, nearly.
Mm-hm.
Well, I told you I need them by tomorrow.
Yes, yes, er, I'll have them to you by the end of tomorrow.
So by tomorrow means by tomorrow.
It's before tomorrow starts.
Oh, yeah. It is... Yeah.
It's all... Sorry, the lingo, it still throws me.
It still throws me. Yeah.
Er, yeah, OK, but we have a...
You need to stay back and work, so... Yeah.
Today's the day for me to go home.
Just get started, I think, then. Yeah, yeah.
Steve, works on the ninth floor in Technical Operations.
Tom. Yes, brudda!
Yeah. Erm, how'd you get to the ninth floor?
Erm, there is no ninth floor.
Right.
Right, but is that like, "There is no ninth floor"? Mm?
No, there just is no ninth floor.
But where are Technical Operations based?
We'reTechnical Operations.
Oh, yeah. HE LAUGHS
THEY LAUGH
What have you been smoking, Kay?
Er, oh... And can I have some?
THEY LAUGH
Erm, well, that is actually a conversation
I've been meaning to have.
Who's your guy? And can you hook a brother up?
Erm...
I was... I'm just, erm...
Make a phone call.
You're calling him right now? Don't call a drug dealer here.
Hang up!
Kay, I don't want it. I don't... It was a terrible idea.
Pick up the phone, Dom, pick up the phone, pick up the phone.
STEVE:Dom! Hey.
I'm just going for a whizz. Usual?
Oh, yeah, half, half. Thanks.
HE GROANS
Oh, Tom, Tom, where do people go for after-work drinks?
Well, some of the younger guys kind of formed this, like,
splinter group and there's this really cool speakea...
Where do most people go?!
Er, it's the Bird In Hand. Thank you.
TINKLING
PHONE BUZZES
SHE SIGHS
Nah, sorry.
Oh! No, Brenda.
Brenda, let go. Brenda, let go.
Let go, Brenda!
SHOUTING:Brenda! Let go!
Yikes! Ah!
LIFT BEEPS
Kay, I am mid-pee. You're lucky I do Kegels.
What is it? WHEEZING:There is no ninth floor.
What? You said Steve worked on the ninth floor.
There is no ninth floor.
N-No, he...he sorted my payslip.
How do you know it was him?
He read my classified file, he knew about the Brightmarsh gang.
Oh! Did he know,
or did you maybe let it slip?
I did go undercover with the Brightmarsh gang.
In fact, I discovered a whole government conspiracy,
you know what I mean?
WHISPERS:Oh, shit!
Oh, my God. Did you give him the file?
No, I haven't given him the file.
SHE EXHALES HEAVILY
Bastard!
OK, I'm going to...I'm gonna go out there
and I'm gonna keep him talking.
You just get here as quickly as you can, OK?
OK, I'm on my way. OK.
HE HYPERVENTILATES, GIBBERS
SHE SCREAMS
Agent David Cornwell, Internal Affairs.
I swear to God, I was not working with the guy.
He...he told me he was...
Oh, believe me, we will go through all that first thing in the morning.
Give me the file, Dom.
OK, I'm just gonna reach into the bag.
Don't...get any funny ideas. I know what you guys are like.
Hold on.
SHE CLEARS THROAT
All right, so, I haven't actually washed my hands yet,
but it's fine if you just hold it on the other side.
There.
I-I-Is there a world in which we don't need to let Fisher know?
She already knows. Shit. Great. OK.
You never take a file out.
Right. Lesson learned.
H-How did you know that I was... We're MI5.
Right, yeah.
That's reassuring I suppose.
Bye!
Oh, fuck.
Oh...
Oh, God.
Oh, my God! Kay, I'm in deep shit.
There was an agent here from MI5 Internal Affairs.
They know everything. Fisher knows everything.
First thing tomorrow, my arse is on the barbecue!
Oh, there he is. There's the agent.
And there's Steve. He's nabbing him.
Steve looks like he's going pretty quietly.
Yeah, he's got a gun, Kay.
OK, they just fist bumped each other.
No, he... Steve is pushing him out of the way with his fist.
He just gave Steve the document.
Oh, fu-u-u-u-u-u-u-ck!