Bon-jour tout le mond-e!
Adult mark: French class.
Bonjour, ma soeur rose.
Adult mark: I hated it.
Comment allez-vous?
[class muttering replies]
Adult mark: The newfoundland accent
Was not meant to parlez-vous.
Can anyone in this class form even one sentence in french?
Mr. Critch?
Adult mark: The only french words I knew
Were the ones that meant the same in english.
Je suis...
Allé à la matinée...
Avec... Ma fiancée...
Encore!
Adult mark: I barely knew any french
But that was still more than my french teacher knew.
Bien.
Bi-en!
Sister rose: Anyone else?
[laughs] you're a brain, idiot.
Adult mark: There was nothing more shameful at school
Than being smart.
You'll all have to do much better before our european trip!
Adult mark: Each year, the grade eights travelled
To europe for french immersion!
Who didn't love France?
France is a horrible place, children.
Bicycles. Nude statues.
The foul stench of wine and cheese
Intermingling on the lips...
As they...
French kiss.
That is why I expect you to behave the way jesus would have.
Like north americans!
Adult mark: I knew that the french would get moi.
Romance, art, jerry lewis movies?
I could reinvent myself there!
And maybe impress fox with my "je ne sais quoi."
[accordion music]
Excusez-moi, madame?
Est-ce que je vous connais?
Croyez-vous en l'amour?
L'amour?
♪
L'amour est aussi proche que mes lèvres.
Hey, dumbass!
Why is it so close?
What?
That can't be right.
Luckily, we don't have to go to France,
For France has come to us.
Adult mark: St. Pierre and miquelon
Is a tiny french island
Just 19 kilometres off the coast of newfoundland.
What a rip! That's not France.
En français!
Zut alors! Ca c'est de la merde!
Adult mark: Fox was fluent in swearing,
But sister rose hadn't heard those words
In either language.
Excellent, fox.
When England won the seven years' war in 1763,
They got newfoundland,
And France got these two tiny islands.
So we are going to France.
Technically.
Adult mark: No eiffel tower, no louvre.
My dreams were "fini."
It's three friggin' hours on a bus!
You better sit with me.
Adult mark: Well, then again...
I don't want to be stuck with some loser.
Adult mark: Impossible!
N'est pas français.
♪
Please, can I go?
I don't know, mark, it's awful far.
Almost four-hour drive with the ferry.
Pop: Well...
I suppose I could chaperone, you know?
I haven't been abroad before.
You had your chance with two world wars.
Weren't too concerned about seeing France back then,
Were ya?
Colour-blind.
I think it could be lovely for him to see the world
Before he dies.
Whoa, who said anything about dying here?!
I-I guess I could ask?
Hey, excellent. Heh!
Now, just leave a little room
In your suitcase for duty-free.
Hm? Hm.
So...?
Alright.
[exhales] yes!
-Mike? -Mm-hm?
I had a thought.
Mm-hm?
With mark and pop gone to europe...
Oh, yeah.
And mike jr. At work...
Yes, yeah...
We're gonna have the house all to ourselves...
Mm-hm.
Mary: All alone...
For the first time in seventeen years.
We could get to bed a little bit early.
I could use the sleep!
Windows stay closed.
No unscheduled bathroom breaks.
Like moses and the red sea, this aisle will remain parted.
Those are the rules!
Excuse me, sister...
Do you mind if I just squeeze past your arse?
Boys and girls!
[rock music]
Bonjour, mes amis!
Woo! Next stop europe!
Excited?
It's not real France. It's just a knock-off.
Oh, come on!
Where's your sense of adventure, little miss red, huh?
Do you know what st. Pierre is famous for?
Sucking?
No.
Rum running!
Prohibition!
See, booze used to be illegal then, like drugs are today.
Oh no, st. Pierre was a bootlegger's dream!
Now, quiz!
Who knows who al capone is?
The gangster?
Yeah!
He's robert deniro! From the untouchables!
-Oh, yeah! -Will you two shut it?
Go ahead, old man.
I mean, mr. Critch.
Hm, well, he needed illegal booze
For his night clubs,
So he had 80 boats sneaking
300,000 cases a month from st. Pierre to newfoundland,
And then they'd smuggle them across the border to the states.
He got so rich he built a church
Just so that everyone would look the other way.
Okay. That's pretty bad-ass!
Oh, yeah.
Can we go see the church?
Sure, sister rose would love that!
Adult mark: I was beginning to doubt pop's reasons
For coming.
How do you know so much about it?
I won't have you filling their heads with legends and lies.
And I don't know what possessed you to sign on as a chaperone,
But I know that you could only be possessed by the devil.
Just clear the aisle, sister.
Those are the rules.
Adult mark: This was going to be a long trip.
[accordion music]
♪
Adult mark: France!
Words escaped me.
Mostly because I wasn't good at french.
Did we drive in a circle?
This place looks just like home.
This sucks.
Adult mark: I thought fox would fall in love with France,
And me, but I guess some things just don't translate.
[sister rose claps]
Écou-tez, l'enfants!
Main-tenant, le français sale-ment!
Adult mark: French immersion became submersion
As sister rose drowned in the foreign tongue.
L'enfants! Le museum!
Allez-vous, toute-lemonds!
Oh my lord.
I never realized you had such a potty mouth.
[rock music sting]
Madame?
Avec moi?
The only thing that sucks more than your french
Is this trip.
[seagull cawing]
Exotic.
Oh, no.
No--
Mary?
Who broke the table?
It's just the two of us tonight, so I took the leaf out.
Hm?
[romantic music with spanish guitar]
What's this?
French onion soup.
Alice lent me the bowls.
I figured everybody else was in France,
So we should be too.
Onion soup? I-I don't like onions.
There aren't any onions in it, silly!
It's just hot water and french onion soup mix!
What's all this, then?
Swiss cheese.
Swiss, french!
I need a passport just to eat my supper!
Is there any turkey left?
You couldn't get laid out of a chicken's arse, ya know that?
Good god!
I'm trying to be romantic, ya arsehole!
When do we ever really talk?
All you ever do is talk!
Oh, and you never listen!
[phone rings]
I'll get it!
You couldn't get laid in a cage full'a monkeys
With a fist full'a bananas!
Hello?
Operator: You have a collect call from...
[rapidly] hey dad, it's me mark and everything's okay
But a bird pooped on me but that's good luck, bye!
Adult mark: Why pay long distance
When you could jam all you had to say
Into the space for the caller's name?
Operator: Will you accept the charges?
God, no.
Adult mark: It was like an audio postcard.
Oh, that was mark. He's fine.
Good.
No more interruptions.
You're gonna have a romantic night tonight
If it friggin' kills ya!
[dial tone]
Phone's off the hook.
I know.
You know, dad...
A woman needs to be romanced.
Will you get out of it!
Les îles saint-pierre et miquelon étaient une plaque
Tournante pour la contrebande d'alcool vers les états-unis.
-What's she saying? -Shh!
Des criminels notoires s'y sont installés,
Notamment al capone.
She just said "al capone"!
Your pop was right!
Ah, yes! Good ear.
Joyeux noël!
Y a-t-il des questions?
Madame?
Oui, madame?
Qu'est-ce que c'est?
Une guillotine.
Ça gère!
Oui, tres bien!
Brain!
What a loser!
Silence!
As you can see, my students speak french fluently.
If you like, you could practice your english for a bit?
[heavily accented] uh... My english?
Uh, yes, I speak english very well.
[mysterious music]
Al capone's hat.
Huh.
Is that so?
[mysterious music continues]
♪
If the nun can frig off, so can we.
Excusez-moi?
Vous allez ou?
Sorry. No speak-ez le french-ez.
Adult mark: Pop was up to no good,
But this was my chance to show fox my sophisticated side.
♪
[in a whisper] patrick?
Patrick?
Rosy!
Aah! Jesus!
Shh, they'll hear you, for goodness sake.
Besides, we're in a house of worship.
It's a little late for you to find god, isn't it?
Somebody must be looking down on me.
They brought me to you, didn't they?
Oh, don't start!
Tell me the real reason you're here.
[sighs]
[mysterious music]
Fine.
[sighs]
So, it was 1925.
You had just broken my heart, so I came to st. Pierre,
Where I'd heard that this capone fella needed some guys
To row rum out to the schooners
Where the coast guard couldn't find 'em.
They were paying a fortune, 50 cents a gallon.
I'd never seen money like that.
I've never been good with temptation.
♪
Well...
Are you coming to hear the rest of my confession?
[chuckles]
[laughter]
Où est votre professeur?
Uh...
What's the french word for "chaperone"?
Voilà!
Real french cheese.
Ha-ha!
You know, their cheese doesn't come in slices.
No?
Uh, jars of whiz, then?
They have all kinds.
Camembert, brie, and my favourite...
Bleu!
Ugh, that stuff reeks.
You really had it before?
Le fromage bleu?
All the time!
I have it with a cream cracker with a cup of tea at bed time.
Goes down smooth.
Uh...
I think it's a little off.
It's supposed to be rotten, dumbass.
But you knew that, right?
Yeah.
I prefer mine more off.
Mm-hm.
Take another bite.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah!
Yeah... [retching]
Oh, for the love of god, mike,
I will shove that radio up your arse
And that'll be the only action you get.
Mike jr: [on radio] and later on, we'll have
Nightline with ron pumphrey, but first...
A request!
Listening to our son is a bit of a mood-killer, there, casanova!
Mike jr: This is mike critch jr.,
And this one goes out to mom, from dad...
Which is kind of gross.
Here's the fureys, with "when you were sweet sixteen."
Oh...
♪ ...As I've never loved before ♪
[mary chuckles softly]
♪ since first I saw you on the village... ♪
Oh, mike!
I guess I'm just out of practice.
Can't blame me for being nervous
Around the prettiest girl that I've--
Ah!
Shut up and help me move the beds together.
♪ I love you as I loved you,
When you were sweet sixteen... ♪
Adult mark: We were whatever the french word for "lost" was.
Uh, I think it's this way.
Blaireau! Arrête!
Adult mark: French bullies!
Like the fox brothers, but with wine and smokes.
Bonjour, mes amis.
Du fromage... Bleu?
Tu parles français comme une vache espagnole!
Ah, oui, oui. Moi, aussi.
T'es un vrai sans-couilles!
Va te faire cuire un oeuf, pompe à chiasse!
Casse-toi donc, branleur!
Adult mark: When it came to french curse words,
Fox wasn't a brain, she was a genius!
Ca m'est égal, espèce de plouc!
I was just about to say the same thing.
Here.
You must think I'm whatever the french word for an idiot is.
[french pronunciation] idiot.
No.
You were actually pretty cute.
So, can you just admit you can read the street signs now?
[sighs] it's this way.
Uh, what's a "branleur"?
You're not old enough to know.
-Sorry, come on. -Oh...
Ritche: Ah! Yes, here it is!
"abandonné."
Nous sommes...
Abandonnés!
Brain!
Ah, hurry up!
Oh, god, this was so much easier the first time around.
Well, what's down there that's so damn important?
Pop: A few bottles in my load kind of got...
Went missing.
Well, they came looking for me, but you know,
You really don't want to be crossing al capone.
♪
Find him!
Pop: I left something in this church.
I just wanted to see whether it was still there.
Aah!
Yes!
Oh! [chuckles]
They'd kill me if they came back here!
But thank god they're all dead.
So screw 'em.
Now...
What do you know?
[cackling excitedly]
Someone will hear!
[loud crash] aah!
Oh, jesus!
No, no!
Good god...
Oh!
Rats' piss!
-They've eaten the money! -[distant voices]
My god, don't you people ever clean these churches?
Someone's coming!
Alright, alright, alright.
There was one more little thing.
Leave it, you old fool!
Oh-ho!
Well!
Welcome, my old beauty!
Look at that!
Voice: Où êtes vous?
Aah! Patrick, come on!
Hey! Ay, ay, ay...
[both laughing]
Why do you pretend you're not smart?
I mean, if I knew french like that--
Every year, I get a new teacher,
And the first thing they say is, "I taught your brothers."
From then on, I'm stupid or I'm trouble.
If I do well, they say I cheated, so...
Why bother?
That's not fair.
You shouldn't hide who you are.
Look who's talking.
I'm being serious.
You're not your brothers. You're really special.
[laughs nervously] what's-- what's that over there?
That's newfoundland!
Cool!
It's pretty.
From a distance.
It's beautiful.
Thought you said France was better.
Sometimes you have to be away from something for a while
To realize how special it really is.
[soft, emotional music]
♪
Uh, France have the poodle,
But we have the newfoundland dog and the labrador retriever.
We even have our own time zone, and...
Oh, uh, we should get going.
♪
Pop: That guide... My god.
I didn't understand a word she was saying!
[gasps]
You don't speak french, do you?
[laughs] [uncorks bottle]
Woo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, shh!
Mmm.
Mmm...
-Mmm... Ooh! -Oh my god!
Oh my...
Oh... Ooh!
Yeah?
You know...
There are a lot of things that don't get better with age,
But you, my dear, do.
Adult mark: Sometimes you have to be away from something
To realize just how special it is.
Because it's all too easy to take the things we love
For granted.
Mike jr: [on radio] and now, the weather!
Tomorrow until Tuesday, we can expect light showers
On the avalon, followed by--
Change the station, will ya?
Mike jr: [on radio] ...And drizzle.
Headin' into the weekend--
Woo!
Sacred heart, my back!
Aah!
Adult mark: If you can find someone to love you
For who you really are...
Well, that's what the french call "l'amour vrai."
True love.
♪