♪
Adult mark: Nothing made me feel better
Than feeling sick on a school day.
Big news for this little town...
Tina turner is gonna pay a visit.
Oh, give me that!
Never thought I'd get to cover a papal visit.
You know, there's money to be made from this visit.
Jesus, mary, and joseph. Have some respect.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Voice: [on phone] mike...
Look, I told you not to call me at home.
-Thank you, goodbye. -[hangs up phone]
-[coughing] -telemarketer?
Ah, yeah.
Where's your uniform?
I'm sick!
-I am not buyin' it. -What?
Adult mark: I first caught the acting bug
By faking sick...
A lot.
♪
Breathe in.
Out.
[coughs]
Mary: Well?
He's faking.
You little shagger!
But I'm actually sick this time!
Get dressed!
Adult mark: It was my own fault.
I was the boy who cried whooping cough.
Mary: Go on.
Little faker.
Jeez!
Sister rose: Our school has been invited
To send a class to see
His holiness.
I've decided that this class is...
The least worst.
Congratulations.
One of you will get to do a reading
In front of the pope himself.
And it will be televised!
Adult mark: Television?!
Any volunteers?
[heavenly music]
Lord, hear our prayer!
Unless it's for the bruins to win, am I right?
-[audience cheering] -yeah!
[god laughing]
My man!
[applause]
Ms. Fowler: Mark critch.
The winner by default.
Thank you, miss-- [coughing]
Are you sick, mr. Critch?
Uh, no. [laughs nervously]
Just gotta lay off the second-hand smokes.
Adult mark: I had faked sick before,
But now I had to fake healthy.
[coughs quietly]
♪
Ahem!
Oh, hey! There he is!
What?
You told me to stop calling you!
Adult mark: Scott howell.
Owner of rival station voaq.
His station was number one,
But first was never good enough.
Now how'd you get past gertie?
I'm not used to hearing "no."
What's it gonna take
To get you to come work for me?
I'm not a dj, mr. Howell,
And voaq isn't exactly known for news, so...
No, no, no, we want you to bring your call-in segment to us.
And then we'll make it sexier.
I'm not "sexy," mr. Howell.
You don't say!
The world's goin' digital.
It's 1988.
Look at all this crap!
It's a joke!
I'm a "dance with the one who brought ya" kind of man.
Yeah, which is why you're stuck here
In this closet for a studio, with gum under the desk.
I get what I want, mike.
I even get what I don't want.
I've got a show to do, mr. Howell,
So if you do not mind...
Hey, dad, can I show you something real quick?
Not now!
Listen, um, mr. Howell is lost.
Could you please show him to the door?
I've gotta get on the air. Thanks for comin' by.
Scott: Think about it!
[sighs]
Mr. Howell! I'm, uh, mike, junior.
Please, no "mr. Howell"! I wear cowboy boots.
Call me scott!
Hey, wha-- what have you got here?
Oh, I-- just this stupid little thing I was thinkin' up, but...
Yeah, I want to hear all about it.
-Really? -Yeah.
Okay, uh, it's a mobile broadcasting unit,
But it's in the shape of a giant boombox, right?
We're gonna launch it when the pope comes.
That is wild!
Far out!
Do you mind if I hold onto this, kid?
Please, take it! Yeah, yeah.
Thanks.
And if, uh, you ever get sick of workin' in this museum,
Gimme a shout.
Radio's for the young, kid.
Monogrammed.
Cool.
Fox: Are you sure you're up for this?
You can't handle gym class on the best of days.
Oh...
Was the sun always this bright?
Mark, if you're too sick for laps,
You're too sick for the pope.
Oh, come on. He has to read one stupid line.
Anyone could do that.
I'd like to see you try.
[coughs]
Are you sure you're okay?
Tina: Ew! Are you gonna hurl?
[sneezes]
Gross. Snots.
[whistle blows]
Mr. Byrne: Alright, listen up!
Let's hustle! [claps hands]
Ugh...
Ten laps!
[everyone sighs]
Today, people!
Come on, critch!
Come on, come on!
C'mon, lift those legs, lift those legs!
In through the nose... [inhales]
Exhale. [exhales]
In... [inhales]
Mark: Oh...
Middle fox: [laughs]
Critches get stitches!
Adult mark: My own doctor had labelled me a liar.
So I sought out a second opinion.
Asthma, epilepsy...
Gout?
That's a self-diagnosis.
It explains my grade in gym.
Where are your parents?
My family doctor says I'm a hypochondriac,
Which sickens me.
Stop talking. Just cough.
[coughs]
Hm. Breathe?
-[breathes in shakily] -mm.
Give it to me straight, doc.
Well, you're most certainly not faking.
You have bronchitis.
Would you like a note for school?
No!
I just need something to get me through the week.
You know, b-12 shot?
Morphine?
How about some cough syrup?
Oh...
Mary: I just got a phone call.
Who the frig is dr. Lee?
He's my personal physician.
It's private.
Get in bed!
♪
Adult mark: The big day!
My tv debut.
But first, a performance for a smaller audience.
[hoarsely] woke up feeling like a new man!
No. You're staying home.
But I have a duty to a higher power!
Mike?
-Listen to your mother. -[phone ringing]
Mary: I already called the school to let them know
You're not doing your reading.
What?! [coughing]
-But I'm fine! -[phone ringing]
Mike sr: Would somebody get that?
Mike jr: Yeah, got it!
Yeah, me and the b'ys, we're selling pope crap
To raise money for our bar.
What do you think?
What is that?
Pop: "pope on a rope"!
How much would you pay for this?
That is my good avon soap!
No, it's not! It just looks like it.
Anyway, I've got two dozen more setting over here.
Mark: Ah, yes, I'll help--
You are gonna sit on the couch and watch tv.
You're gettin' on my last nerve!
Mark: Ohhh!
All the times I pray to be sick!
What kind of god is this?
Mary: Get!
Mike jr: Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir!
[hangs up phone]
That was scott howell.
He just offered me a job at voaq radio.
[sighs]
He's only hiring you to get at me!
Or, you know, maybe he thinks I'm good?
No, that's not it!
I turned him down.
I'm taking the job.
♪
Mark is off sick so we will have to select another student.
Sister rose: Perhaps I should have chosen
Sister maura's class.
Maybe this illness is a sign of god's disapproval.
Fox: But, sister, didn't jesus say something about
Not throwing stones...?
You're right.
God loves redemption.
You can redeem yourself by doing the reading for the pope.
-Ms. Fowler: Pardon? -Fox: What?
Good luck, ms. Fowler.
I'm sure fox will make you proud.
Middle fox: [laughs]
Tv: This was the scene earlier...
Mark: My big break!
Millions watching!
The adrenaline would get me through!
Maybe I can still make it!
You're not getting off this couch until you feel better.
[coughing]
Oh...
Asthma, epilepsy, bronchitis...
Sin.
You never had a chance.
Tv: The pope's schedule is packed with stops
Along the newfoundland shore.
Adult mark: There was still a way to get to the pope.
A very catholic way...
Guilt.
[coughs]
You're right!
I wish I was there to be blessed.
Tv: A blessing could mean a miracle cure.
I might have a chance then. [coughs]
Tv: In search of hope and healing,
A record crowd has gathered to see--
Get in the car.
-Oh, yes! -What?
I just... Hope this works.
[coughs] yeah.
Adult mark: Pop and his buddies turned the papal visit
Into a mini las vegas!
Father handrigan: Four quarters holding up the wheel!
Anybody, four quarters? Come get your tickets!
See, state of the art! Everything in here is digital.
Bet you never seen anything like this at vocm.
No. No, nothin'!
Wait, no, the super roving radio looks pretty cool, right?
Scott: Ah...
Mike sr: And here we are, pope-side,
Here at what is quickly becoming quite the event...
Yeah, it's not as cool as ours, though!
[electric guitar playing]
Maybe I shouldn't have showed you their design.
Poppycock!
Here, I have something for ya.
Look at this bad boy.
-Oh, come on! -Yeah.
Mike sr: Good god!
He's wearing enemy colours!
[ominous rock sting]
I can't do this! It's stupid.
There's too many people.
Ritche: You're just nervous.
Whenever I'm scared of public speaking,
I picture the audience in their underwear.
Just picture the pope in his underwear.
Ew, gross!
Ugh!
No help.
Quick blessing, straight back to bed.
Just know, it's not your fault that I'm weak.
It's just bad genes.
I made ya! Whose fault is it, then, hm?
Dad's.
Oof, I'd say, yeah.
[turns on radio]
Mike sr: [radio] we go now live to flatrock,
Where the pope is about to bless the fishing fleet.
Let's listen in...
Pope: [radio] the joyful event that unites us is the blessing
Of the fishing fleet here at flatrock.
That jesus called simon, peter...
Why don't we show your old man what you're made out of, huh?
Hey...
Scram.
Yeah.
She's all yours.
Sailor: [on news] thank you, holy father.
On behalf of all the fishermen,
We also wish you a blessed and safe journey.
Over.
And the pope has blessed the newfoundland fishing fleet.
Mike jr: You're listening to voaq radio.
Call in for your chance to win vip tickets to pope on the rock!
That little judas!
Mike jr: Call in to our request line
And tell us your biggest sin to win!
Dick, turn up our volume.
-Are you sure? -Just do it!
[music turns up]
♪ if you're a part of the wide world of vocm... ♪
Stand up straight. Stand up.
Come on, stand straight. Do up that button.
Zipper!
Has anyone seen fox?
Um...
I think she may have pipped off?
Pipped off?!
Oh, typical.
[exhales]
Mike sr: [radio] motorists should be warned
The pope is leaving the area, so all roads are now closed.
Act like you're having an asthma attack!
What, why?
You've been faking sick your whole life!
Do it!
Adult mark: It was time to use my faking superpower
For good.
Road's closed.
Mark: [gasping]
Can't... Breathe...
[gasping] is this... The light?
Can you see that my son is having an asthma attack?
So help me, if my little boy dies in this car, you're next!
We're gonna let her through!
["all I need is a miracle" by mike & the mechanics playing]
Go on, let her through! Let her through!
♪ all I need is a miracle ♪
Officer: Gordie, get her an escort, would ya?
♪ all I need is you ♪
Let's go, get her through!
♪ all I need is a miracle ♪
♪ all I need is you ♪
[siren wailing]
♪ all I need is a miracle... ♪
Adult mark: We followed the pope like pilgrims.
Not since the virgin mary was there such a dedicated mom.
And once we cleared the barricade,
Mom ditched our police escort like a bad habit.
[laughs]
[coughs]
Excellent work.
Adult mark: Who needed faith in god?
I had faith in mom.
Pop: Beautiful stuff.
Yeah, beautiful.
So, souvenirs! Souvenirs here!
Come get your john paul ii souvenirs!
Great, great.
Oh! Oh, here.
Pope: ...Man and woman who are...
Oh, bless this, father.
Oh yeah, here.
Get that water. Bless it there.
Get it in there.
Beautiful.
Pope: ...Love and protect those who use them.
Rosaries! Rosaries for sale!
Blessed by the holiness himself!
And holy, holy, holy water!
It's so holy you can practically walk on it!
Pop: Come on, now! There you go!
Yes, please! Very good choice.
Yeah, beautiful.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you, that's perfect.
Well, this is [inaudible]...
♪
Ritche: Where are you going?
That nun set me up!
There will literally be people in poland calling me a nimrod!
If you don't do it,
You'll be proving everyone who says you can't right.
You got this.
If this sucks, you're dead, okay?
Yeah. I know.
Pop: Souvenirs!
John paul ii souvenirs!
Come get your souvenirs!
-Oh, oh. -Excuse me.
Sorry, father.
I'll take two rosaries and a "pope on a rope."
Oh! What a good choice, father.
Well, here, take these rosaries.
There we are for you.
And there's the pope on a rope.
Beautiful.
Happy scrubbing, father.
Thank you. Special rate for the clergy.
[chuckles] thank you.
Thank you.
Tv: And now a reading from a local student
From st. Bridget's school.
Adult mark: And there he was.
The catholic elvis!
I was seconds away from international fame!
This is it!
A reading from the book of matthew.
I'm too late!
And jesus said to them,
"follow me and I will make you become fishers of men."
Audience: Amen. [applause]
Adult mark: I may have missed my chance,
But watching fox, I wouldn't want it any other way.
-[applause] -ritche: Yeah!
Mike sr: [radio] and that was a reading from a student
At st. Bridget's. My son mark goes there...
I'm sorry you didn't get to go up.
Mike sr: [radio] luckily, we'll be broadcasting
Right up to the minute...
It's okay.
This is even better.
It's more about the journey, ya know?
[radio playing in the background]
Mike sr: [radio] mike critch, reporting live
From the tailgate party.
All hands are listening to ye crowd.
Way to go, young fella.
Thanks, dick.
Hey, did my dad say anything?
Look, his heart might be broke right now,
But he'll get over it.
Broke?
I get it. You do what you gotta do!
But... By the way,
Would you give my resume to scott?
Us young fellas got to stick together now.
Yeah.
I better get back to the booth
Before your dad realizes I'm gone.
Scott!
Mike sr: [radio] we're expecting to see the weather
Turn to rain showers soon,
So if you're out to have a gawk at the pope,
Make sure you bring an umbrella or a rain hat!
The pontiff is expected to leave newfoundland around 7 pm,
Making a quick stop in toronto before heading home
To vatican city to put his feet up.
We can go home.
Aw.
[loud feedback]
Jesus christ!
...Is, uh, certainly a newfoundlander today.
After all, he was a... Fisherman.
Dick: And a good fisherman at that, mike!
You're listening to vocm.
With live coverage as the pope makes his final journey
Back to the airport, then home.
Oh, that pope gets around worse than mary packin' magdalene!
Adult mark: The pope was done with newfoundland,
But mom was not done with the pope.
Mark: Aah!
Mary: Hold on, we're not through with this yet, by jesus!
That was a pretty good first day of radio, son.
-Oh! Thanks, man. -Yeah.
So, what time tomorrow?
Oh... Yeah!
See, I don't know if we have any slots open for you right now,
But we'll-- we'll find something down the line.
Hey, scott, thank you very much for the opportunity.
Uh-huh.
Mike jr: But you were just using me to get to my dad.
So, I quit.
What?! You--
You can't qui-- you can't go back to vocm!
They're a bunch of losers!
Ah... That's weird. I guess I am too, then.
-Alright. -Well, you-- you can't quit,
Because I fire you! You're fired.
Okay.
By the way, there's been three minutes of dead air
On your station.
Yeah, I-I turned it off when I quit, so...
What...? You can't do that in radio!
-Yeah. -You have no respect!
Mike jr: I'm still learning.
-You son of a-- -critch?
Scott: You have no respect for radio!
♪
Mike sr: [tv] breaking pope news!
A slight diversion for the pope on his way to the airport.
A group of polish fishermen are in port.
They'd hoped to meet his holiness.
He is the first polish pope,
And it seems the holy father will stop
To offer the fishermen a blessing on his way...
Adult mark: Mom had brought me to half the doctors in town,
So why not try a faith healer?
-[brakes screech] -mary: Gotcha, ha!
Adult mark: What mother could resist a miracle cure?
Mary: Come on, sweetheart, let's go!
Excuse me, get out of the way!
Deathly ill child coming through!
Bless my son.
Bless my son for the asthma.
And for the epilepsy.
Oh, thank your holiness.
Come on.
Let's get you back in the car before you catch
Your death again. Excuse me.
Adult mark: Turns out there are many ways
To say "I love you."
Sometimes it's how far a person will go for you.
Mike sr: [radio] and now newfoundland bids
A fond farewell to pope john paul ii.
Adult mark: And sometimes...
It's where they're willing to meet you .
♪
I know I got a lot to learn.
I could learn a bit from you too.
You did a great job today.
♪
Come on.
Tv: Newfoundlanders will remember this special visit
For years to come.
Pop: Woo! Over 800!
We've got enough for the bar!
That is indeed a miracle! [chuckles]
[coughs] oh, dear.
Maybe we should have got one more blessing.
Mary: Oh...
My biggest blessing is right here.
[coughing]
Mary... I'm sick.
Jesus murphy!
[all coughing]
-Mary! -Tea?
♪