[music playing on tv]
Alright, come on. Flip it over.
My show isn't over yet!
[sighs]
-[music swells and fades] -there.
-Your turn. -Oh, finally!
Whoa, it's my turn! I want to watch the weather!
Then look out the window, pop!
The long-range weather forecast, clever clogs!
Like you need it!
You're 80!
Adult mark: In our house, you had to book your tv slot
Weeks in advance.
Casablanca's playing on the great money movie
In two weeks' time.
6 pm sharp.
No talking, no telephone calls.
Let's all do our part to make this happen, hey?
Tv: And now for our long-range forecast.
Tuesday, fog.
Wednesday, fog.
Thursday, foggy.
Friday, foggy with a chance of rain.
Mark: This is not entertaining.
Breaking news!
Vocm's own mike critch has won the edward r. Murrow award
For ethics in broadcasting!
Way to go, dad!
Mary: Mike, I'm so proud!
It's no big deal.
Any cash with it?
No, but they're having a fancy award night
With a steak dinner and everything!
A night out! What'll I wear?
Oh, that's wonderful!
Your award, I mean.
Oh, gosh! Oh, mike!
Adult mark: I never missed an award show.
The oscars, the tonys, the marks...
Wow, best person!
Thank you.
[applause]
Mark: [on tv] I am humbled.
First off, this doesn't mean I'm better than anyone here tonight.
It just says it, right here, on the award.
[applause]
I want to thank all the little people,
The kindergartners.
But mostly, fox.
[audience chanting "mark, mark!"]
Thank you.
Pop: Mark, you're right in front of the television!
Mark: Uh...
What's wrong with you...?
Sorry.
Well, great money movie's comin' on.
Pipe down!
Mary, hold my calls, would ya?
[music playing on tv]
♪
Adult mark: I got the bus just when my father
Was coming on the radio.
Hey!
Dick: [on radio] and now, the vocm news with mike critch.
Aww... Is that the baby's daddy?
Middle fox: Vocm, voice of the child's...
Man!
What?
Mike sr: [on radio] this just in,
Crime spree at coleman's!
Late last night, early this morning,
Police were called to coleman's supermarket.
A male suspect allegedly absconded with steaks
And cheddar, hiding them down the front of his pants.
The police gave chase, apprehending the man
As he urinated against a fence, exposing his meats and cheeses.
The suspect is scheduled for a bail hearing in provincial court
When we will learn the name of the "beef bandit."
Mike critch for the award-winning vocm news.
Mm, stunning!
Yes!
How it's done! [chuckles]
[laughter on bus]
Adult mark: The kids loved to make fun of dad.
The only way to beat 'em was to join 'em.
Ohhh!
Oh, don't catch me!
Oh, don't look at my meats and cheeses, ohhh!
-Ohhh! -Sit down, dumbass!
Whoa! I was just making fun of my dad!
You mean my dad.
-Your dad? -Shut up!
When everyone finds out, my life is over.
He put meat down his pants.
It's not that bad.
Okay, it's bad.
But no one's gonna know it's him.
When he has his court date,
Your dad is gonna broadcast his name
And the whole bus will know.
I'll ask him not to.
He won't rat out your dad.
Trust me.
He's an award-winning man of ethics.
I promise.
♪
Mike sr: [indistinct]
Are you sure? When's the announcement?
Any word from the chief?
Mike jr: Dick, would you...
I dunno, eat meat that had been down a man's pants?
-Depends on the type. -Mm.
-Ground? -Frig no.
Striploin?
Friggin' right. That's an expensive cut.
What if it had been down the back of his pants?
I stand by my answer.
Mike sr: [background] bye, now.
Mike jr: Good man.
More breaking news, boys!
Police in newfoundland are finally going to be issued guns!
Because of buddy with the cheese in his pants?
Hey, this is two big scoops in a day!
Good work, dad!
Enough.
Reporter: [on tv] don't more guns mean more danger?
Officer butt: [on tv] not at all.
The guns will be kept under lock and key.
Geez, I... I had the keys here a minute ago.
Oh, he wouldn't know his arse from his elbow!
-Reporter: For cjqn news, I'm-- -[channel switches]
-What's this, then? -Hm?
-This? -Oh, um...
Yeah, did-- didn't I mention it?
Yeah, I got cable.
We can't afford cable!
Oh, relax.
I'm paying for it.
-Oh, pssht. -Oh, just pipe down.
Now, this film has partial nudity,
And I want to see which part.
You know, if you're throwin' money around, we have bills.
Tv: Up next on moviemax, sylvester stallone as rambo
In "first blood."
[dramatic music]
Narration: Sylvester stallone.
This time, he's fighting for his life.
First blood.
♪
Well, I suppose we don't need to get rid of the cable
Right this second, now, do we?
I need to use the washroom.
Teachers pee? Gross.
Ms. Fowler: Continue with your math assignments.
Mark, if anyone makes any noise, write their name on the board.
[sighs]
Adult mark: Of course she chose
The son of the most ethical man in town!
Hey! Cut it out!
I'll allow it.
Critches ain't snitches.
Hey!
The cheese bandit strikes again!
[laughter]
Quit it, ritche.
The whole world's wondering, where's the beef?
It's down my pants!
[laughter]
Adult mark: My father had won an award for his ethics,
But now I faced an ethical dilemma.
Did I protect fox, or rat out my best friend?
I'm being serious.
Settle down or I'll--
You'll what?
Critches aren't snitches, right?
[scrawls on blackboard]
You wouldn't dare.
It doesn't have to be this way.
Just... Stop talking!
Sit down, loser!
Hey, she just talked!
Write her name down!
What the heck?
Don't make me do this.
Come on, you love jokes! Hey!
Is that a ribeye in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
-Shut up! -Fox talked!
I bet it's 'cause she's a girl.
Mark: Oh! Okay.
Not fair!
[dramatic music]
Marion: Stop writing our names!
Adult mark: It was like a fever dream.
Ritche: What are you doing, man?
Adult mark: Something came over me,
And before I knew what I was doing...
Well, that's a first.
Mark the narc, is it?
Uh, uh...
Adult mark: Busted for busting.
Hey, mike.
What do you think of this ad copy?
[radio voice] "this is dick dunphy!
"I'll be broadcasting live this afternoon
"from coleman's supermarket
"where the deals are practically criminal.
"I'll be giving out as many packs of
"kraft singles and hot dogs as you can fit in your pants.
"make off like a bandit at coleman's."
Mike jr: Oh!
This is why you're the master.
Hm!
Hey, dad, you should do an update on the beef bandit.
I mean, it's the hottest story in town right now.
Nothing new to report until we get a name.
[phone rings]
Vocm newsroom. Mike critch speaking.
Mike, it's me.
Oh, hello, officer butt.
Wondering if you heard anything about a lost gun?
[quietly] you lost your gun?
No, no!
Why, did anyone say they found one?
You know I have a duty to report this.
Not if you want any more hot tips,
Like the one I gave you about the steak and cheese bandit.
I'd lose me job, mike.
[sighs]
Was that a tip?
You get a name?
No.
Ah, it was nothin'.
[dramatic music]
Dick: [indistinct]
Mike jr: Twenty...
[explosion and dogs barking on tv]
[zapping sounds]
Pop: Hm...
Ooh! This thing's some hot!
We should call cable atlantic.
-[gunshots on tv] -no!
No, no. We won't be doing that.
You see, the cable company doesn't technically know
We've got cable.
No, it's a descrambler.
You bloody shagger! This is illegal!
Mike is liable to just turn himself in!
Fine.
Say goodbye to rambo ii, then.
No...
[in a whisper] let's keep it between ourselves for now.
-[switches channel] -mary: The beaver!
Oh, how interesting.
Dad, can I talk to you about the beef bandit?
I don't know who he is.
You gotta wait till tomorrow like everyone else.
I already know who it is, dad.
The beef bandit is fox's dad.
Fox's father is the thief?
Adult mark: Mark the narc strikes again!
You can't say anything!
It'll ruin fox's life!
And she will end mine!
It's gonna come out whether I report it or not.
But you're the one who the kids listen to on the bus.
I promised her you wouldn't.
Please!
For me.
Look, it's not personal.
Not personal? I'm your son!
If I make an exception for family,
Then I'm no better than he is!
Right, mary?
Couldn't agree more!
Spot on, son!
We gotta get rid of that descrambler.
Pop: Just as soon as rambo comes out of the jungle.
Yes!
Pop: Mm.
Oh. Hello, fox.
I didn't realize the time.
We were just finishing up some homework.
Sorry, I didn't know you were about to eat.
Adult mark: But I did.
Dad could say no to me, but could he say no to the face
Of the poor girl he was about to send to the orphanage--
Or, at least, her mom's house?
Go on. You sit down, hm?
Uh, uh-- yeah, no, uh, that's my seat.
But the seat next to dad's open, though.
Mary: There you go, dear.
Ah.
There's nothing like a meal with your family.
Uh, I hear you're getting some big award?
Oh, it's nothing.
Mary: Did you know he broke the beef bandit story, too, huh?
Pop: It's quite a story!
Apparently this fella sticks the goods down his trousers.
And then...
Then he's gotta pee!
Ha, imagine the pressure!
[laughs]
Adult mark: Imagine? I was living it!
Mary: People putting pork down their pants...
Perverts!
Mark: But doesn't the bible say
You can steal to feed your family?
Adverbs 6:30?
How about "thou shalt not steal"?
You familiar with that one?
No offence, fox.
Oh my god, mark!
Wha--
Whoa, she's making a getaway!
Check her pants for cheddar on the way out! [laughs]
Pop! Fox...
Please.
I was just trying to help!
I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!
He's gonna tell everyone!
He says he has no choice.
I expect my dad to let me down.
But you...?
You're just like everyone else.
No! No, wait...
[door closes]
[police siren]
What the frig you want?
This may seem strange, but...
I want to know why you did it.
What difference does it make?
Was it to eat?
Look, I'm not an animal.
I don't eat nudding that touches my privates.
I shoplifts meats and cheese
And sells 'em to the pizza joint.
But...
Why?
You ever worry about how you're gonna feed your kids, mike?
Yeah, some newsman you are.
You don't know nudding about the real world.
Anything you want to say?
Nothing that's fit to put on the radio.
Look, I'm not a bad guy, mike. I just...
Never had a chance.
You let me know if you need any meats and cheeses
When I get outta here.
I knows a guy!
[chuckles]
[door buzzer]
Mary: I saw your advertisement on the television,
And I would like to enter your contest.
Oh, yes, I am a cable subscriber!
Pop: Wha--
That's right, 303 kenmount road.
Pop: Shh! It's a trap!
For frig sake! I'm trying to win us a new tv!
The cable company said they're giving one away to anyone
Who has the movie channel!
It's a trap to catch people with descramblers!
You have got us headed to the big house!
Think they've got cable?
Mary: Oh!
♪
[sighs]
You're here late.
Oh... Yeah, I'm just, uh,
Working on my speech for the awards banquet.
I'm having a bit of trouble with it.
What?
The award's for ethics, isn't it?
That's your whole shtick!
I mean, come on, just say what you always told us growing up.
"there's the right way and the wrong way."
"it's either a truth or a lie."
"it's good guys versus bad guys!"
You know, all that crap.
Hey, come on.
You got this.
[sentimental music]
♪
Adult mark: Dad won a major prize,
But to him, the greatest prize of all was the free meal.
Uh, just to be sure, there's no charge for this at all, right?
Yes, sir, no charge. Although tips are appreciated.
No, thank you.
Adult mark: But food reminded me of someone.
Something wrong with your steak?
What if it's stolen?
I wouldn't want to be an accomplice to a meat crime.
-You name names. -Enough!
This is a special night.
-You gonna finish that? -What?
Pop: No, I think the boy's got a good point.
I mean, how do I know this steak hasn't been
Down somebody's trousers?
Waiter: Freshly grated parmesan?
Yes, please.
Hm?
Pop: Oh lord, the pigs!
We walked straight into the lion's den!
Why did you let me make that call?
Did you hear that the kirklands, they got nabbed for that ad?
-So-- -are you gonna eat that?
-He took my steak! -What?
Mike jr: The steak. You gonna finish the--
Pop: Oh, no, no. I've lost my appetite.
[sighs]
Adult mark: No matter how embarrassed fox was of her dad,
I still couldn't help being proud of mine.
[upbeat jazz continues in background]
Still mad at me?
No. I understand.
It's not personal.
I mean, you wouldn't be winning an award for ethics
If you took a dive for your own son, now, would you?
Officer butt: Attention, folks!
And the edward r. Murrow award for ethics in broadcasting
Goes to a man whom we in the force trust.
Ladies and gentleman,
Vocm's mike critch!
[applause]
Thank you.
Mike sr: Uh, thank you.
I'm particularly honoured to accept this award for ethics,
Because, as I always tell my boys,
Doing the right thing...
[sentimental music]
...Isn't always easy.
Life isn't black and white.
It's mostly grey.
And the greyer I get, the more I can see that.
There's no good guys and bad guys.
Just people trying their best to get by.
Sometimes when you set out to do the "right" thing,
You end up doing more harm than good.
So, try and err on the side of kindness.
That's something I learned from my son.
And that's who I'd like to thank most tonight, is my family.
Thank you for showing me
That it's never too late to do the right thing.
Well, jesus, he knows.
-What? -Yeah.
Thank you, and goodnight.
[applause]
Alright, let's have this out.
It's gone.
Nobody need know.
How did you find out?
Everybody knows about them.
About the guns?
Guns?
I'm talking about my descrambler.
Guns, well, what are you talking about?
Let's pretend this conversation never happened.
Oh...
Uh, what conversation?
Don't touch my dessert.
Mary: [gasps] oh...
Mm!
Adult mark: Sometimes you just have to depend
On your heart to tell you what's right.
Bologna on white with mayo?
Feeling exotic?
Give that to me, narc.
Adult mark: We all know we should strive
To do the right thing...
Admit when you're wrong...
Oh geez, not again!
[static on tv]
Adult mark: Don't steal...
And always tell the truth.
[sound of tv show]
Thank you.
Adult mark: But life isn't black and white.
Sometimes, in those shades of grey,
We end up doing the wrong thing for the right reasons.
For family...
Breaking news!
A member of the constabulary has reported his newly acquired gun
Has gone missing.
Mike sr: [radio] sources say this is not the first time
The officer's weapon has been misplaced.
Also, the beef bandit has been arraigned.
And now, the weather.
Looks like a good day out there!
Sunny with a high of 5 degrees.
Stop, or I'll say "stop" again!
My finger is loaded!
You're a total dork, you know that, right?
Mm-hm.
Adult mark: And the best reason of all...
For love.
It's a beaut, dad.
You deserve it.
Pop: Jesus murphy, pipe down!
Mary: We can hardly hear the tv!
Officer butt: [tv] crime stoppers is seeking assistance
For the following crime:
A rifle is missing from a vehicle.
No fault of the vehicle's owner.
We assume a roving band of gun thieves has run amok,
Absconding with weapons hither--
-Mary: Frig's sakes! -Mike jr: Oh, it's dad's award!
The metal's friggin' up the reception!
Pop: Oh, get it off!
Mike sr: And where do you suggest I put it?
Why don't you put it up your--
[all yell]
They can't stay in the same room anymore!
Just let him say it! Let him say it!
[all yelling over each other]
♪