Dick: [radio] it's the first day of school
In the capital city,
So keep an eye peeled for the youngsters on the roads.
Adult mark (v.O.): The only way to download a song in 1988
Was to tape it off the radio.
You had to press record at just the right moment
Like indiana jones swapping a bag of sand for a golden statue.
Dick: [radio] here's the beach boys at number one
With "kokomo," on the mighty vocm!
["kokomo" playing]
♪ aruba, jamaica, ooh, I wanna take ya ♪
♪ bermuda, bahama, come on, pretty mama ♪
♪ key largo, montego, baby, why don't we go? ♪
♪ jamaica, up the florida keys... ♪
Mark, honey!
Breakfast!
Oh...
-[muffled singing] -[knocks]
Mark?
Mark...?
[muffled singing continues]
Hm.
♪ bodies in the sand...
["kokomo" playing on radio]
♪ tropical drink melting in your hand... ♪
Mark's got his door locked.
-Well, the boy needs his privacy.
Besides, if there was any pornography in there,
I think I would have found it.
-I don't want to think about that!
-What if he knocks over a candle or something?
He could have a seizure.
Whole house could burn down.
-What are you gonna do with that, stab him?
-I'm gonna pop the lock. -No!
There's a better way.
["kokomo" playing]
Adult mark (v.O.): Every boy dreams of rock stardom.
- ♪ and then we'll take it slow ♪
♪ that's where we wanna go
♪ way down in kokomo
[audience cheering]
♪
Adult mark (v.O.): In my dreams, I got the girls.
In reality, I was a gangly teen who had to turn up the music
To drown out the cracking sound of his own bones growing.
I could live out my dreams in the privacy of my room...
[loud tapping]
[mary giggling]
-Aah!
Adult mark (v.O.): My last year of junior high
Couldn't possibly be more embarrassing than my house.
Dick: [radio] that's the beach boys, on the new...
Adult mark (v.O.): My growth spurt meant new clothes.
New year, new jacket, new me.
My brother had graduated as well...
To the co-host chair on the morning show.
-You're listening to the new vo morning show
With mike and dick.
-That's right! With dick and mike.
-One good morning, two great hosts!
-One main host, and one sidekick.
Adult mark (v.O.): But mike was growing too fast for dick.
I could take any seat I wanted,
But there was only one seat worthy of a grade nine.
Fox: Mark!
Over here!
Grade nine means we get the back of the bus now.
[laughs]
-New coat? -Oh, yeah, it's suede.
The thinking man's leather.
Picked it out myself.
Let's just say my tailor is "tip top."
I'm finally big enough to wear a men's small.
I've decided to focus more on my "look" this year.
-It's... Different.
-Thanks.
Where's your other brother?
-He dropped out.
-He says school is for losers.
-Well, he'd know losers.
Uh, I mean, good for him.
Best wishes in all things.
Adult mark (v.O.): We were the oldest on the bus.
With no natural predators left,
I was the silverback gorilla.
Or so I thought.
-Is that coat your mudder's?
'cause ya looks like an old woman, b'y.
Middle fox: Hey, frig off bullying mark!
He's a grade nine now.
Adult mark (v.O.): Even my old bully respected me now.
Mark: Yeah...
Frig off!
Adult mark (v.O.): Top of the food chain.
-Big mistake. I owns you now.
Critch is my bitch.
♪
-And that's the morning show with dick dunphy.
-And mike critch.
Stick around, the news is up next, with mike critch.
[jingle playing]
-I'm gutfounded.
-What's in the can? -Don't know yet.
I buys 'em without the labels.
Eight for a dollar.
Let me give you another piece of advice.
-Well, that one was so good, so, yeah, please.
-We can't have two mike critches on the air.
It confuses people.
Jeez, b'y!
It confuses me!
Yes, soup!
-Great job, mike!
Two mike critches on the air. You know what they calls that?
A dynasty!
-Shag that. You needs a new name, b'y.
Announcer: [radio] vocm, award-winning news.
-Wolfman jack?
Not his real name.
Even I uses a radio name.
-Wait... Wait, wait, wait.
Dick dunphy's not your real name?
-Nope.
It's richard.
Whoa.
I'm mike critch.
Uh, not the mike critch who was just on.
That's my son, mike critch.
And now, the vocm news with mike critch.
Cats! How many is too many?
The spca says 13 is the magic...
♪
Grade nine! Can you believe it?
Everyone's afraid of me now.
-Hah! -[kid yelps]
It's awesome!
-Well, well, well.
Look at this sooky little baby.
Uh, I thought you dropped out.
Silver fox: I did. School's for suckers.
-High school was too hard for him.
He was getting picked on.
-Shut up!
I just wouldn't be caught dead hanging around
A bunch'a losers, is all.
-So, why are you still here, then?
-I'm not.
You are.
-It's called a "drop out," not a "drop in."
Mr. Chafe: Hey!
What are you doing here on school grounds?
You're not allowed here! Now, go on!
-Losers!
Fox: Twins. Cute.
You guys shop at the same salvation army?
-Uh, uh...
[laughter]
I mean...
It makes you look grown up.
But...
Maybe too much?
Mr. Chafe: Ah, it's nice threads!
Sidewalk sale, right?
-Uh, sir, I think this is a young person's coat.
You might want to reconsider.
I wouldn't want you to embarrass yourself.
-Do you have protection?
-Protection?
As a catholic, we are taught not to--
-It might rain later on.
The suede'll be ruined.
-Uh...
Oh, that stinks!
-Well, that's how you know it's working, b'y!
-Yeah, okay--
-Get my back.
-Okay...
Adult mark (v.O.): Scotchgarding
The vice principal is not how I expected
To start my senior year.
-Thank you.
Baby fox: Nice coat, mrs.!
[laughter]
Adult mark (v.O.): Top of the food chain.
Baby fox: Yes, now! Come on with it!
Aaah!
Come back and face me!
I'll cut you!
I owns you!
-Bunch'a losers!
[indistinct chatter]
♪
Grade nines!
Where is your teacher?
[loud dragging sound]
Student: What is she doing?
-Oh!
-What in god's name are you doing?
-Hello, children.
I am sister perpetua.
I'll be your grade nine homeroom teacher.
I wanted to start the year off in a fun way,
With a visual representation of christ's suffering.
Now, for the full day, I shall carry this cross with me
As a reminder of what our lord went through for your sins.
-She seems fun.
Sister rose: Yes, well. Children, you're in good hands.
Bleeding palms and all.
-Would someone help me with my cross?
[sister perpetua panting]
Thank you, thank you.
Okay, children!
Write these down.
Now... We all have our own cross to bear.
Ritche: How do you spell "bear"?
-What? -Do you mean b-e-e-r?
-No, I think it's b-a-r-e.
-Isn't that naked?
Sister rose: Children!
We don't mention nudity and alcohol in class!
-Unless, sister, we are referring to noah.
"in those days noah became a farmer,
"and he made a vine-garden.
"and he took of the wine of it and was overcome by drink;
"and he was uncovered in his tent...
Both: "and ham, the father of canaan,
"saw his father unclothed,
"and gave news of it to his two brothers outside."
Genesis 9:20-23.
Can you read that?
-Yeah.
-Sister? Uh, may I move closer?
I can't see.
-Mr. Critch.
You need glasses.
I'll write a note for your parents.
[stifled laughter]
-Glasses. Me? No, no.
Uh, I just think the chalk is just a little soft.
-See? That's your cross to bear.
Glasses.
Adult mark (v.O.): My life flashed before my eyes.
But I couldn't make any of it out.
-This is your all-request nooner.
Coming up, we're getting physical
With olivia newton john,
A lady so nice they named her thrice.
I'm mike...
Campbell.
-[spits] good god!
Mike jr: [radio] and you're listening to 590 vocm.
Optometrist: Now read the next line.
F...
-That's an e.
-C...?
-No... No, that's a b.
-H? -D.
E, b, d, o, t, c.
"ebdotc."
-I can't cheat on this test!
Mike sr: These prices are mad!
-Yeah, but you get the second pair free.
-Does it have to be the same prescription?
-He already got glasses!
-Hey, my prescription's running out!
-Mark, let's pick out a frame, hm?
-Glasses... I only just got cool!
-Oh, imagine how good the tv's gonna look now!
And movies?
It'll be like you're right in there with dark vader
And his life saver.
-They're not 3d glasses, mom.
-Okay.
How about these?
-Too serial killer.
-Ooh, these?
-Too ghandi. -Okay, goldilocks.
-All the critch men wear glasses.
-Mike doesn't.
-He's not a critch, though, is he?
He's a campbell.
-Mike!
Mark, honey, you pick any pair that you like.
Whatever you think suits you.
-Well, maybe not those ones.
They look like they hurt your little nose.
-Can a prescription for the free pair
Be somewhere in the middle of ours?
If we wanted to share the free pair?
Adult mark (v.O.): My first day with glasses.
This was supposed to be the year I went
From ugly duckling to swan.
Time to go from grade nine superman
To grade nine clark kent.
What an eye-opener!
The school was run-down...
The cool kids weren't that good-looking.
I had been living a lie!
Even the smallest things seemed bigger.
-Look at jam jars over there!
[laughter]
Adult mark (v.O.): I was a grade nine.
Listen to me, you little...
-Picking on a baby, are ya? I'll throw rocks at ya.
-Ow!
-Coke bottles! -Give it up! Aah!
-Glasses!
He wears them in there, he'll be killed.
Adult mark (v.O.): He was right.
These glasses could cost me an eye.
If I wanted to be cool, I could never wear my glasses again.
[indistinct chatter]
[mark panting]
-You okay? -Yeah.
I'm fine.
[breathlessly] yeah, fine.
[inhales]
-Where are your glasses?
-I don't have glasses.
-I thought you got glasses. -Stop saying "glasses"!
-What the frig?
Children?
I was inspired by the cross mark has to bear.
And I wanted to show you
What it would be like to be blind for the day.
Now, even as I lose one sense,
My other senses become heightened.
In the darkness, can you see the light?
Ritche: Uh, sister?
-Whoever's talking, I can hear you!
-Sister...
-Uh, I...
-"then will the eyes of the blind be opened."
Isaiah 35:5.
Sister perpetua!
Where in god's name are your students?
-But I heard them!
-One more mistake and I'll nail you to your cross, sister!
Now, go find them.
-Yes, sister.
Sorry, sister.
Sister perpetua: Children? Ready or not...
-And mr. Critch?
Where are your eye-glasses?
-Uh, I...
I don't have glasses, sister.
Adult mark (v.O.): She didn't need glasses
To see I was up to something.
And why is that, mr. Critch?
Adult mark (v.O.): Maybe I should just tell her the truth.
Maybe sister rose would understand.
Oh, who was I kidding?
-Dad-- dad said, um, that...
We couldn't afford them.
Adult mark (v.O.): What the hell was I saying?
-Very well.
If sister perpetua cannot ensure you have what you need,
I shall do so myself.
[ominous music]
Adult mark (v.O.): I didn't need glasses to see
That something bad was about to happen.
Adult mark (v.O.): At home, I loved my glasses.
-I always thought we had a crappy tv,
But the reception's actually quite good!
-Hey, buddy holly, right?
Hey, dad.
Guess what?
I took a radio name.
I'm mike campbell now.
-Are you that embarrassed of me?
Adult mark (v.O.): At least with my glasses,
I'd have a clear view of the show.
-Your father's a bit upset.
-Turned his back on his family.
He's insulted his father.
-When's supper? -Oh, will you shut it?
Mark: Pop, mike changed his name, to "campbell."
-Oh. Was mike "boy-ar-dee" taken?
Mike sr: What kind of person gives up their surname, hm?
-Well, I gave up mine to marry you.
-That's different!
-Everybody thinks I've got a free pass
Just 'cause of who my old man is!
-Well, I'm sorry for giving you an opportunity I never had!
-What's that supposed to mean?
-Dad, I gotta be me.
-And who the hell is that? -I don't know, okay?
But I'm not gonna find out if I keep living in your shadow!
I just need to know if I'm any good on my own.
-Oh, don't be so foolish. You're the best I've ever seen!
♪
Pop: Oh, jesus.
I think I'll change my name.
-Oh, mike.
And mike.
My mikes!
[knock at door]
Who the frig's at the door?
Mark! Get that, hm?
-Yeah.
[ominous music]
Oh!
Hello, mr. Critch.
Adult mark (v.O.): A nun at the house?
I'd never seen one in the wild!
-I was just going to drop off a hamper
For your family in their time of need,
But I see that your fortunes have changed.
I think we can both see things more clearly now.
-I can explain. I--I only just--
-Oh, sister rose! What a surprise!
Are you coming in?
Adult mark (v.O.): Don't invite her in!
Everyone knows that dracula has to be invited!
-Oh, no.
I just wanted to check on mark's glasses.
-Oh! -No troubles?
-No, he loves them.
Is that for us?
-No.
Pop: Well, well, well!
What's in the basket, little blue riding hood?
Ooh!
What luscious big lips you've got!
Awoooooo!
-Uh...
You'll see me, uh, tomorrow, mr. Critch.
And I will be... Watching... You.
[pop laughs]
-What in the flying friggity-frig
Was that all about?
Jeez!
Adult mark (v.O.): Like it or not,
You have to learn to embrace the new you.
You'll never see everything.
-If you so much as looks at him funny again,
I'll kick you in the arse so hard,
My shoelaces will be coming out your nose.
[bus door opens]
♪
Fox: You're wearing them!
I wanna try 'em on.
-Oh... Uh... They're a medical aid!
-Whoa, I can see your bones!
-Yeah, I know I'm a nerd.
-I was just foolin'.
Come on, put 'em on for me.
Please?
♪
I think they look...
Handsome.
So... I guess I need glasses now, too, huh?
-Wait...
You're a girl?
-Shut it!
-I mean...
Adult mark (v.O.): If only they made glasses that let us
See ourselves the way others do.
Adult mark (v.O.): When we accept who we are,
The way forward has a way of coming into focus...
So we can see the writing on the wall.
♪
Adult mark (v.O.): So we can see things
From another perspective.
And we can see people for who they really are.
-And that's the news!
Stay tuned for the top ten at ten, with mike...
Campbell.
-And mike critch will be back with more news on the hour.
The beach boys have fallen from the top spot this week
Into third, with "kokomo"...
♪
Adult mark (v.O.): And besides,
All the truly beautiful things in life
Are invisible anyway.
♪