[alarm clock rings]
Adult mark (v.O.): Every morning started with a stand-off.
♪
Pop's bladder was like a leaky faucet.
-Don't you dare.
-I'll only be a minute.
-I'm 80.
I might not have a minute!
Adult mark (v.O.): I, too, had the bladder of an 80-year-old
But luckily, I had the legs of a man in his 40s.
-I'm sorry it came to this.
[western film music]
Pop: Hey!
-Oh, yeah... -No, hey, hey!
-[knocks on door]
This is an emergency!
-What's all the racket?
-Mike stole the bathroom!
-I'm not above using the kitchen sink.
-[pounds on door]
Get out of it!
Mark: Hey!
-Toilet's not flushing. -What?
Did you jiggle the handle?
-Yeah, 'course.
-Then what's he doing in there?
-Hm.
Toilet's busted.
-Then why'd you go? -Oh, why don't you go?
-Oh, no, ya don't!
I've gotta have a look.
-No!
I need to go!
-I just gotta jiggle the handle.
Well, that's strange.
-Did you break the toilet?
-No, I didn't break it. I'm fixing it!
-Did you jiggle the handle? -Can I have some privacy?
-Get dressed. You can go at school.
-I have human rights! This is ridiculous.
Mary: Septic tank might be full.
Do you want me to call my father?
-No, no, no. I get insulted enough by my own father.
-Okay, then I'll call a plumber.
-No, wait, wait, don't do that.
You can call him, but tell him I already jiggled the handle,
So it's not that.
-Okay...
♪
[breathing nervously]
Adult mark (v.O.): Every bump and jiggle
Threatened to make my legs cry.
-Give it up! You need to read that before we get to school.
-Frig off! You're not my mudder!
-Well, since dad's frigged off and mom's working two jobs,
I am.
-Do you mind?
I'm dealing with a personal issue.
Fox: Come on, open it up.
Now read that for me.
-A moose! Luh!
Fox: Great job.
-Mom's s'posed to sign that, luh.
-Nimrod!
This says that if you mess up one more time
You'll be suspended!
-I know! Wicked, wha?
Me brudder don't need no school and I don't need none, neither.
Adult mark (v.O.): His past was tense, his future imperfect,
And his grammar was terrible.
-He's a loser, ya hear me?
Staying away from him is the only way
To keep us all together.
If you gets kicked out, you'll get another kick from me.
Right in the nuts.
You want dad to take us?
Sign my mudder's name to this.
-Why me?
-The nun knows my handwriting.
She won't suspect yours.
-Fine.
But this makes me an accessory.
Mark: Suz...
-Middle fox: Bump! -[laughter]
-Oh, you frigged it up!
-You're welcome.
Adult mark (v.O.): The bus driver wasn't
The only one likely to have an accident.
♪
-Give me your hand. -Hey. C'mere.
-Ignore him. -I got a job for ya.
-Just leave him alone.
Get in there.
Go on.
♪
Mark: Okay...
-Uh, you got a sec?
-Maybe half a sec?
-I don't know what to be at.
Dad's saying that mom's not a good enough mother, and...
-Hm...
-If he gets kicked out, I just...
I just-- I feel like everything is about to fall apart.
Adult mark (v.O.): She was finally opening up to me,
But I had no time for heart-to-hearts.
The only organ I could think of was my bladder.
-I want to hear this, I really do.
But I have to pee so bad, I'm practically gargling.
Hold that thought!
-Yeah, sure.
Mark: Oh... Oh...
-Whatever.
-Okay...
-Oh, hey, pal!
How's it going?
Sidle up. Plenty of room!
Adult mark (v.O.): My dream was to be a comedian.
But at the urinal, I suffered from performance anxiety.
-I'm a stall man.
Ritche: Suit yourself.
♪
Adult mark (v.O.): The crappy doors of the crapper
Swung as freely as saloon doors in the wild west.
[door creaking]
Adult mark (v.O.): The bowl itself
Was probably the cleanest surface in the stall.
-Eugh... Eugh...
Ritche: How's it going in there?
Mark: Fine, thanks. Eugh...
Silver fox: Put your pickle away and get out!
-I-I have to wash my hands!
Middle fox: He said frig off!
Adult mark (v.O.): Peeing would betray my location.
I was trapped behind enemy lines.
-If a teacher sees ya--
-Since when are you a wuss, b'y? Come with me!
-I promised her I'd stay.
-Sooky baby promised his little sister?
I'm your big brother!
What's wrong? Ya don't like money?
[loud clink]
[dramatic music]
♪
Silver fox: [chuckles] you're in the wrong bathroom, critch!
Middle fox: Yeah! You should be in the girls' room!
Adult mark (v.O.): I was so scared
I could have peed my pants.
Middle fox: You gonna pee your panties?
Adult mark (v.O.): Which isn't saying much,
Seeing my current predicament.
-Your brother's in the bathroom.
-So? Just 'cause I gotta watch him
Doesn't mean I have to wipe his arse.
-No, your big brother!
-But... He's not allowed in the school.
♪
[banging noises]
Middle fox: We know you're in there!
Silver fox: Come out, critch!
Fox: What the frig?
Mark: Fox?!
This is the boys' room!
Adult mark (v.O.): I would never pee again.
-You get busted for this,
They're gonna kick you out, nimrod.
-Wasn't me.
I don't even go here.
-Can I have a little privacy, please?
[school bell rings]
-Aw...
Poppy bell: Ugh! Who the hell used it
When they knew it wouldn't flush?
-Damn kids, I think. Ah, some people.
-Thanks for coming, ed.
I could have done it, but mary was all...
Well, you know women!
-I know I'd rather her at it than the likes 'a you.
[chuckles]
-How's it look, dad?
-Uh, where's your water shut-off?
-Oh, we don't have one.
-I got it.
-I jiggled the tommy-jigger, but the, uh,
Whatchama-callit didn't jangle.
-Plunger?
-No.
-I got the brush here.
-Are you coddin' me?
-Useless.
[toilet burbles]
-Mary?
-It's off.
-Ah, good girl.
Uh, pass me the thumb wrench.
-Oh, yes.
Now, and, uh... What colour would that one be?
-Mary?
-Here you go, dad. -Thanks, ducky.
I'm gonna have to take the bowl off.
Got a bucket?
-Yup.
-I'll, uh-- I'll go give her a hand with that.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Mike?
-[quietly] he hates me!
-No, he just raised me all on his own, is all.
He's just protective of his little girl.
And he never comes over here
Because he thinks you don't like him.
-I don't! He thinks I'm useless!
He's always making fun of me,
And you always end up taking his side.
-Mike!
Just because you can't fix a toilet or drive a car
Or change a tire...
You might not be good enough for him,
But you're perfect for me.
-Not good enough?
-Here.
Why don't you give him the bucket?
Show him how handy you can be.
Now, just remember...
He's just as scared of you as you are of him.
[inspirational music]
-I'm not scared 'a you!
Bucket.
What a man's man.
Mary, help me lift the bowl off.
I wouldn't want you to crack a nail.
-Yeah, mike, you should go soak your hands in palmolive.
[both laughing]
♪
Poppy bell: Alright, now, just give me a second.
-May I use the washroom, sister?
-Class just started.
If jesus can go without food for 40 days and 40 nights,
You can hold your pee until recess.
-Don't think about waterfalls.
[announcement over pa]
Sister rose: There has been an act of vandalism
In the grade-nine washroom.
Would all boys who used the second floor washroom
This morning report to the main staircase?
Class: Ooh!
[pop snoring]
-It's not right. -What?
Oh. Hello, eddie.
Uh...
Uh, I was just reading.
-Oh yeah?
I said, "it's not right."
A grown man sleeping in with a boy.
He's too old for that now.
-Oh...
I mean, we get along.
He doesn't seem to mind.
-Should be sleeping on his own.
That boy's too soft.
-You don't know him like I do.
-Yes. You're right there.
-You suck up all the crap, did ya?
-Not ashamed of it, either.
You critches.
You know what your problem is?
-No, but I have a feeling I'm about to find out.
-You think that your crap don't stink.
Well, I can tell ya first-hand, eugh, it does.
I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty.
Your son? All he does is yap.
Yap, yap, yap.
That's not work.
-Well, he put a roof over your daughter's head.
You should be grateful.
-Mary could've had her pick.
I don't know what she sees in him.
He doesn't even own this house.
Sure, I built mine.
You ever own a house, pat?
-No.
I never did.
-Sin.
It's a grand thing to own your own house.
Knowing you'll never be a burden to anyone.
-Ah.
Another toilet that won't flush.
-Sister?
-Yes?
-I think I got my period.
-Gross.
-Well, remember. It's not your fault.
It's eve's.
-In all my years...
In all my 40 years as an educator...
Adult mark (v.O.): I really needed her to
Pick up the pace here. I was practically sweating pee!
Sister rose: I've never been so mortified,
So bewildered, so ashamed
Of a group of students.
Mr. Chafe?
-Sometime between 8:45 and 9:10,
A door was vandalized in the grade nine washroom.
Knocked off its hinges.
Sister rose: And mr. Chafe, you oversee the male facilities.
Adult mark (v.O.): My teeth were practically floating.
-What was the condition of the door before
This criminal act, mr. Chafe?
-Perfect, sister.
Like a bank vault.
Adult mark (v.O.): Liar.
-So, the culprit must be a very strong young man, indeed.
Would you agree, mr. Chafe?
Chafe: Oh, most certainly, sister.
-Gentlemen...
You are the only boys who used that washroom this morning.
Someone here did it.
But who could it be?
Who would be strong enough?
Who would be...
Stupid enough?
Adult mark (v.O.): Maybe it was young love.
Maybe it was the pee drowning out my brain.
Or maybe it was my admiration for what fox was trying to do.
-It was me, sister.
Middle fox: What?
Ritche: Dude.
Sister rose: That's not possible!
You're not strong enough.
Asthmatic...
Soft...
-I think it was just puberty.
You know, don't know my own strength.
-Are you sure you're not being threatened?
-Chalk it up to a growth spurt. [chuckles]
I've been drinking milk.
-This won't buy you friendship.
♪
-[quietly] thank you.
Adult mark (v.O.): They say true love is sacrifice.
Besides, how bad could it be?
-One month detention.
And you're responsible for the repair.
Do you have anything to say for yourself?
-May I use the washroom?
-No!
-Hey, thanks.
That was deadly.
-Yeah. Anytime.
♪
[water running]
-Well, that's it for me.
All done.
-Oh, thanks, dad. -Nah.
-It was so good to see ya.
-I s'pose I'll hear from ya
The next time you need something.
That's the only way I ever hears from ya.
-Oh, give it up. Our phone works too, ya know.
-Yeah, I s'pose.
-Dad? -Yeah?
-Stay for supper.
The boys didn't see ya at all.
-No.
You got a house full, sure, with pat and all.
-You're their grandfather too.
-Well, what are we makin'?
-Let's see what we got. -[chuckles] alright.
Let's see what we got.
Mary: We could make turkey?
Mike sr: Details are scanty,
But the stolen goods are reported to have a street value
Of over $47.
-We need to talk.
-Mike critch for the vocm news. -[music starts]
Pop, you can't just walk in here!
-Yap, yap, yap.
That's all you ever do is yap.
You've got to stand up to her father.
-Oh, come on. He'll be gone in a minute.
-Oh, really?
She's just invited him to supper.
And once a sewer rat gets into the house,
They're never gonna leave.
-You came here just to tell me that?
-No!
I came to use the crapper!
I wouldn't give him the pleasure of using ours!
-Is the toilet fixed?! -Mary: Yes!
-The door was off and I nearly missed the bus
'cause I had detention and I gotta go!
[dramatic music]
♪
[tinkling sound]
[triumphant music]
♪
Pop: Well, this looks good.
Mary: There we go.
-You wash your hands?
-Well, this looks good after a long day working...
Very hard.
-Very hard. Very hard working.
-Oh, I'm sorry, mike. Is this your seat?
-No!
Mike, you just...
-We need to talk about your detention.
Poppy bell: I didn't know ya had it in ya.
Beatin' the crap out of a toilet!
[laughter]
-I don't find it very funny.
Poppy bell: Well, I think it's friggin' hilarious.
-Mark, you like jokes, right? -Yeah.
-What does a plumber play at the casino?
-What?
-Craps!
Mike jr: Hey, I might use that on air, poppy!
-Vandalism is a serious matter.
-Boys will be boys. Now, eat up!
'cause every time you put food in your mouth,
You put food on my table.
-Dad! -Ugh!
Mike jr: Gross. That is gross!
-You know, I think that's enough toilet talk at the table.
-Mike!
-You think you're better than me, mike?
-You're the one always taking the piss outta me.
-[laughs] well, that's kind of his job!
Eh...
Pop: First, supper...
Then what?
Oh, well, you're not having my bed!
They'll have to drag me out of that room in a box!
-Sweet dreams.
-Will you all just friggin' get along, please!
Dad, show some manners.
Pop: He's very immature.
-And you! Give him a break.
He is just jealous that you spend so much time
With the boys.
-Now, mary, I never...
-And I knew you were useless when I married ya.
I don't like my men handy.
And I have never been ashamed of you a day in my life.
You are welcome here any time, in any room,
Not just the bathroom.
No more favours, hmm?
-Fine.
Yeah.
So, uh, mike,
Looks like you owe me 150 bucks for that toilet.
[laughter]
Mike sr: He got me there.
Put it on our tab.
[all chuckling]
♪
-Okay, so just like how we did this one, you have to...
Adult mark (v.O.): Sometimes it's easier to pretend
To be someone we're not.
-Okay, no, you have to do, like, that thing right there, okay?
Do you remember you did that before?
Do you remember?
Adult mark (v.O.): We put on a tough exterior...
To keep the world from seeing how soft and squishy
We are inside.
-Is this all of us?
Middle fox: That's cute.
-Is that you?
Oh, buddy.
-What's goin' on over here, hey?
Adult mark (v.O.): We all have baggage,
But the trick is to find people who will help you unpack.
Suzanne: Did you make that? Is that you?
Oh my goodness!
Is that of us?
-Okay, let's finish this. -Okay.
-So, let's just skip that.
Let's just do this one, it's fine. [laughs]
♪
-Ah. Yeah.
Adult mark (v.O.): The key is to find people
Who love you for who you really are.
♪
Poppy bell: Looks like you're an old hand at it.
[chuckles] that's it.
Adult mark (v.O.): And you might even surprise yourself.
Mark: I think so.
-Alright, let's check it out. -Okay.
Adult mark (v.O.): Doing something for someone else
Can teach you a lot about yourself.
♪