Adult mark (v.O.): Every spring at st bridget's,
We'd take a trip to the pool.
If you didn't learn to swim in that one hour a year,
You were out of luck.
And at 13, I...
-Nice robe, dickhead!
Adult mark (v.O.): ...Was definitely out of luck.
Maybe it was a survival mechanism.
For every known generation 'til pop,
All the critch men had drowned.
[whistle blows]
-Hey, put that down! Jamie!
What did I tell you about rough-housing?
Come on!
Adult mark (v.O.): There was something about a field trip
That made teachers powerless.
[loud splashing]
♪
Hi!
-[snickers]
What's with the outfit?
Still can't swim?
-Of course, of course I can swim.
I just...
I had a huge lunch, and you know they say
You should wait at least three hours before I get in the pool.
I'm heartbroken.
Middle fox: Cannonball!
[loud splash]
-Oh, my god. What's...
-This is how I learned.
[mark screams]
Help! Help!
-Very funny, faker.
Give it up.
Adult mark (v.O.): When you spend your days
Playing the fool,
Nobody believes you when you cry for help.
[fox chuckles]
[water burbling]
Adult mark (v.O.): I sank like a stone.
A stone wearing a bathrobe.
The air left me, and my panic was replaced
With the calmness that giving up brings.
[solemn music]
I gave in to the water.
I felt completely at peace.
Mine was a short life, but it was a good life.
The light was so beautiful that, for a moment,
I wanted to go to it.
-Fox: Mark! -[coughing]
Am I dead?
-You should be.
Fox saved your life!
-You mean...
I almost died?
-[whistle blows] -mr byrne: Critch!
What'd I tell you about lying on the pool deck?
Mark: What?
[indistinct chatter]
Tina: My sister got me this mascara that doesn't clump.
I love it. I use it all the time.
Dumbasses.
[sighs]
Oh, frig.
♪
Mike jr: I'm mike campbell filling in for dick dunphy
On dick's discs.
[door opens]
-Sorry, I'm late, b'ys.
-Whoa, what happened here?
-Wha-- this?
Oh, that's from a beer bottle.
Me and candy broke up. She's some mad at me.
-Dick, mr. Murphy is looking for you,
And he is not happy.
-You better get to work now before he--
-Late again, dick?
How many times is it now?
I told you if you didn't start flying right,
I'm gonna fire you, buddy!
-Please, no, mr. Murphy, I can't lose this job.
Me girlfriend dumped me.
I'm homeless.
I only ever lives with girlfriends.
-You can get your own apartment, dick.
-No.
I find love, and then take root.
Like a sexy dandelion.
Where you live to, gertie? -[gertie sighs]
-Dick. You're done! -Oh, god, please!
-Mr. Murphy, I'll talk to him, sir.
I'll make it my personal responsibility to--
Mr. Murphy: Fine.
Take the basement apartment over at mike's house.
Next door better be close enough to get you here on time,
Dick dunphy!
-Uh, look, with all due respect, mr. Murphy, it's my house--
Mr. Murphy: It's a company house, mike!
That makes it my house!
And I can put whoever the hell I want in there!
[door opens]
[door closes]
-Well...
Kinda sounds like you're dick's new girlfriend, dad!
♪
Um, sister rose said to come get you.
We're loading up the bus.
-Frig off.
Tina: First time?
Come out. I can help you, really.
Um, here.
You can keep this on until we get back to school.
They'll have what you need there.
-Oh...
Uh... Thanks.
And... Sorry.
-For what?
Come on, you can sit next to me on the bus.
[door opens and closes]
Mike sr: [muffled] well, this is it.
Dick: [muffled] I never even knew this was down here!
-Pop: What are you up to? -Shh-shh-shh!
Mike sr: It's been empty for a while.
Dick: Gee, mike, b'y! It sure is nice.
-Is that dick?
Dick: I owes ya.
Thanks for helping me move in, buddy.
Mike sr: Alright, I'll be upstairs if you need anything.
-Move in?!
-We got a rat.
-No...!
[stereo turns on in basement]
[mary sighs]
["we're here for a good time" by trooper playing from basement]
-Hmm.
-Mike...!
What the actual frig?
-This wasn't my idea, alright?
Mr. Murphy wants him down there.
He's got nowhere else to go.
Anyway, at least I got a key. -Good.
Then I'll just go down and ask him to turn the stereo down
Before I kick the living crap out of it.
-No! This is only to check the furnace
Or the hot water boiler.
No more going down there.
This is only for emergencies!
-This whole damn situation is an emergency!
Mary: Yeah.
Dick: ♪ here for a good time! ♪
♪ heeeere for a good time! ♪
♪ not a long time! ♪
♪ not a loooooong tiiiiime! ♪
Trooper: ♪ so have a good time ♪
♪ the sun can't shine every day... ♪
[school bell rings]
Fox: Okay. Yeah, I'll see ya.
-Hey. Uh... Thanks for saving me.
Even though you almost killed me.
-Whatever. -Uh...
You know, there was a chance we'd get together before.
But then I made things weird by dying.
-Look on the bright side.
She liked you enough not to let you drown.
Adult mark (v.O.): I didn't drown,
But I was sinking into a deep depression.
Copy down these math questions.
Adult mark (v.O.): I had bigger problems than even sister rose
Could give me, and questions even she couldn't answer.
Like, can you really cheat death?
[dramatic music]
[seagull calling]
[dramatic music]
♪
E-four.
[dramatic music]
♪
Miss.
[dramatic music]
♪
Next time...
I'll get ya.
Sister rose: Any questions?
Mr. Critch?
-What happens when we die?
-Excuse me?
-Mark died recently.
-I saw something.
-And what, pray tell, did you see?
-Nothing.
-Come now.
Don't be shy.
-No, that's what I saw.
Nothing.
Just a light.
A beautiful light, and it was warm and peaceful.
And I wasn't afraid anymore.
Could that be heaven?
-Ha!
Impossible.
Heaven is most certainly not nothing.
It has angels, harps, and st. Peter.
The bouncer of paradise.
-Maybe you didn't get in.
-"if anyone's name was not found in the book of life,
"he was thrown into the lake of fire."
Revelation 20:15.
Maybe that was your light.
-You saw hell?
Wicked.
Sister rose: The bible is very clear
About what heaven and hell are.
Anything else is blasphemy.
-But if it wasn't heaven or hell, then what was it?
-Mark critch,
The classroom is no place for asking questions!
Adult mark (v.O.): What was I to believe?
What sister rose said I had to,
Or my own eyes?
[muffled moaning]
-[sighs in annoyance]
Adult mark (v.O.): I was not the only one
Lost between realms.
Dick: You looks right hot, like florida!
Woman: Oh dick, you're some poet.
Now, shove over! You're crushin' me smokes!
-I'm going down there.
-Absolutely not!
[silence]
See? Sorted itself out.
[moaning resumes]
We're trying to sleep up here!
Dick: Well, I'm trying to get some down here!
Woman: Who's that?
Dick: Oh, that's my roommate, mike.
Woman: Pleased to meet ya, mike!
-Hello...
[dick growls playfully]
-Will ya keep it down?
Dick: Mary...
Say hi to tammy!
Woman: Tammy? My name's lisa!
Who the hell is tammy?!
Dick: Tammy? Oh-- I don't know no tammy!
Lisa: Stop it! Get off me!
Dick: Where're you going?
Lisa: Anywhere but here!
Dick: Don't be like that, tammy--
I meant lisa!
Woman: Jerk. Dick: Nice going, mike!
[door slams below]
[pop snoring]
-Pop, can I ask you something?
-Hm? Yeah? Yeah.
Right, make it quick.
-What happens when we die?
-Well...
Depends on who you ask.
Now, the church, they either think you play the harp all day,
Or burn for eternity.
Well...
Now, either way, not much fun.
But the buddhists think you come back as a bug.
Which is all very well until somebody else comes back
As a bird and eats ya.
-[sighs]
Wait.
What if there's...
Nothing?
-Well, then you'll never know the difference, will ya?
So...
Who cares?
Dick: Y'know, I died once!
I was jump-starting me buddy's truck
And I licked one of the jumper cables--
Mike sr: Shut up, dick!
Dick: Sorry!
-Goodnight.
Adult mark (v.O.): If sister rose didn't have
The answers I needed,
Maybe it was time to check out the competition.
-So, I'm thinking of converting.
-Oh.
What is it about our faith that speaks to you?
-Well, all the best entertainers are jewish.
Don rickles, jerry lewis, sammy davis jr...
Plus there's too much guilt in catholicism.
-Oh, well, if guilt is the problem,
Not sure judaism is the way to go.
-How do we even know there is an afterlife?
-Mm...
Okay, I see.
You're not looking for a faith,
You're struggling with a lack of faith.
-I wish I could go back to not thinking about all of this.
Like when I was young.
-Well, listen, growing up doesn't mean
You get all the answers.
It just means you discover new questions.
And the only place to find the answers to those questions
Is inside yourself.
-It's just... Everyone's saying something different.
The nuns say I should have seen harps,
And pop's saying I might turn into a bug,
And the girl that saved me, she's avoiding me.
-Hm.
Keep asking questions.
[clears throat]
And just know, nobody really has the answers.
Life, and everything after,
Are a mystery.
And for me, that's what makes faith so beautiful.
-Uh...
Do you guys have a pamphlet?
-Sure. It's called the old testament.
♪
[knocks]
I, uh... I washed it.
Thanks again.
That was pretty wicked of you.
-I get it.
I got my first period watching footloose
And had to hide in the bathroom until my mom came to get me.
Still don't know how it ends.
-[chuckles]
Uh, anyway, uh, I'll see ya.
-Wait.
Do you wanna hang out?
♪
[loud music playing from basement]
[sighs]
♪
Dick!
Oh, so help me...
Dick!
[stomping]
[sighs]
I don't think he's home.
[keys jingle]
-While the cat's away...
♪
Helloooo?
-Hurry up.
Mike'll kill us if he finds us down here!
[music blasting]
-[bottles clink] -whoa!
-Jeez!
[music blasting]
No...
[music clicks off]
Oh, jeez.
Pop: "the outhouse reader."
-Oh, put that back! -Hmm!
Oh, come on.
Don't tell me you don't like digging around a little bit.
-Fine. Poke around a little.
[pop chuckles]
[footsteps overhead]
Mary: Oh, shoot. Oh, god, that must be mike!
Oh, shh-shh! Quiet, quiet.
Mike sr: I can hear ya through the vent.
What are you doing down there? We just got off work!
Dick's on his way home!
-Oh, my god...
-We need you to stall, over!
[door unlatches]
Pop: Oh!
[nervous laugh] hi, dick.
-What a nice surprise.
-We can explain.
-You want a beer?
♪
[phone ringing]
Mike jr: Hey, mark!
Phone's for you!
It's a girl.
Good on ya!
Mark speaking.
-Hey. What are ya at?
-Uh... Alive, thanks to you.
Listen, is everything okay?
-How do you mean?
-Seems like ever since valentine's day
You might hate me a little?
Then you almost killed me.
-So we're even.
-And...
Maybe ever since the pool,
You might see me as less...
...Manly?
-Please.
Watching you almost drown made me realize that
I don't want you dead.
You still have a lot of explaining to do, though.
-[giggles]
-[quietly] stop.
Like, is it true that you kissed tina?
Twice?
-Uh...
-Well...? Did you?
Adult mark (v.O.): I had survived one brush with death,
But I would have given anything in the world to drop dead
Then and there.
-Uh... Well, you see, it's-- it's just--
-You should kiss fox again to even up the score.
[phone slams down]
-Sorry! -[girls laugh]
Mary: So nice to have you so close, dick.
Our house is your house.
-Mary! Get out of there! Dick's on the way--
Oh, hello, dick.
Have you seen mary?
Dick: Oh, mike. I'm glad you're here.
I gotta tell ya, thanks and all, but I'm moving out.
-What? Why?
-No offence, but ye crowd are too loud.
You're always barking at each other.
And I can't move for fear of waking ya
'cause you goes to bed so early.
-Well, 9 o'clock's not early!
-And I got no privacy.
Ye snoops around.
-I have a key!
-You really helped me see that family living isn't for me.
-So you'd rather go couch to couch for the rest of your life
Than live here with us?
-Yup.
No offence.
-[scoffs] -oh, no you don't.
You don't move out on us.
I'm gonna talk to mr. Murphy
And have you kicked out!
-Stuck-up arse.
[door slams]
-I'll have a beer.
Pop: Aren't you gonna say your prayers?
-Do you think you'll see nanny again one day?
-No, I hope not.
I mean, I don't deserve to be where she is.
And if she's stuck where I'm going to go,
Well, god really is an arse.
-Maybe I didn't see anything.
Maybe I was just passing out.
Maybe we don't go anywhere when we die,
And this is all the time we get with each other.
-Yeah.
Well, it sure makes it feel more special
When you think of it like that.
-I'm scared.
-Look...
Where were you before you born?
-I dunno.
-Well, maybe it's the same place you go when you die.
I mean, it's just not that memorable.
You know, people are born crying.
And if you're lucky, you'll die laughing.
-Don't you want to know for sure?
-No. When you're old, you're in no rush.
You know, when I look out to the sea,
You can't see the end of it,
But you know it's there somewhere.
And that's good enough for me.
So...
Worry about who you are in this life,
And the rest of it will just take care of itself.
♪
-Okay.
♪
Adult mark (v.O.): You can end up down with the sinners,
Or up with the saints.
But most probably land somewhere in between,
Where the comfort is that there's a lot of company.
-And then it's like, there was a gross hair in the pool...
Adult mark (v.O.): But we will never know for sure.
-Hello, darling.
It's been a while.
Well, wherever you are, just wanted you to know...
You're still my girl.
Adult mark (v.O.): What I do know is
That life is for the living.
-Yeah, legs, kick... -Okay.
-Straight legs, straight legs...
-Straight legs?
Okay...
[splashing]
-This good? -Yeah, it was good!
♪