1
00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:03,101
Adult mark (v.O.): Christmas
at the critch house
2
00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:04,436
Was a thrifty affair.
3
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,505
Mom would wrap up stuff
from around the house
4
00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:08,873
To make the tree look
a little more filled out.
5
00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,109
-What about the coffee pot?
6
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,910
-Ooh!
7
00:00:11,946 --> 00:00:14,246
Nice shape!
8
00:00:14,315 --> 00:00:16,115
-Hey, mom,
you seen my electric razor?
9
00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:19,585
I wrapped it
and put it under the tree.
10
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:20,386
-What?
11
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,054
-I only got it for ya
in October!
12
00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:23,055
It's practically
a christmas gift.
13
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,256
-Yeah...
14
00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:25,791
-Act surprised
when you open it again.
15
00:00:25,926 --> 00:00:28,694
[instrumental "we wish you
a merry christmas" playing]
16
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:29,727
-I think this is it.
17
00:00:29,764 --> 00:00:32,531
-Oh, pull the tape gently
so you don't rip it.
18
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:34,466
Wrapping paper
doesn't grow on trees.
19
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,535
-Well, technically--
-ehh...
20
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:41,406
Adult mark (v.O.): Mom's
thriftiness taught me
21
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:42,407
To be an expert wrapper...
22
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,609
And un-wrapper.
23
00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:48,547
-Thanks.
24
00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:50,649
Adult mark (v.O.): This year,
I only had one thing
25
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:52,451
On my list,
and I couldn't wait
26
00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:53,852
To get my hands on it.
27
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:56,021
-Are you still gawking
at that catalogue page?
28
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,289
-It's not just a page!
29
00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,525
This is a gemini
home video game console
30
00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:02,194
With dual-command joystick
and two cartridges!
31
00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:05,430
-When I was a boy,
you'd be lucky to get an orange.
32
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,099
Adult mark (v.O.): The critch
men believed that
33
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:08,300
"it's the thought that counts."
34
00:01:08,369 --> 00:01:11,036
As in,
"a penny for your thoughts."
35
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,638
[scrooge pop counting]
36
00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:15,640
Adult mark (v.O.): I came
from a long line of scrooges.
37
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:18,443
-Hundred-and-eleven,
hundred-and-twelve,
38
00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,646
Hundred-and-thir--
what do you want, child?
39
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,314
-[fake cockney accent]
well, uh...
40
00:01:22,449 --> 00:01:24,116
It's christmas, sir.
41
00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:25,684
-Humbug!
42
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,386
I hate christmas.
43
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,254
So, what do you want?
44
00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:32,390
A yo-yo? A spin top?
Or a kick in the arse?
45
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,792
-No, sir. I...
46
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:38,597
...Would like a gemini
home video game console, sir.
47
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:42,968
-I do have a very special gift.
48
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,837
Merry christmas.
49
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:47,272
-Wha...?
50
00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:50,008
[tearing paper]
51
00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:54,713
[scrooge pop laughing]
52
00:01:56,383 --> 00:01:58,249
Mary: I don't know, mark.
53
00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:01,352
A video game
is a pretty big gift.
54
00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:03,155
I guess we'll see
what santa says.
55
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:04,689
Adult mark (v.O.):
The critches were cheap,
56
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,892
But luckily mom was only
a critch by marriage.
57
00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:08,059
-Mom...
58
00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:10,262
I'm too old to believe in santa,
59
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:12,697
But I have nothing but faith...
60
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:13,698
In you.
61
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:14,966
-Nice try.
62
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,771
Whoa, your father's
doing his cards!
63
00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:24,209
Adult mark (v.O.):
Dad did his christmas cards
64
00:02:24,344 --> 00:02:25,977
The way most people
did their taxes.
65
00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:27,111
-Dad?
66
00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:30,515
-Ah, we got a card from
tony in fort mcmurray.
67
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,517
-Oh. Nice.
-He's got the diabetes.
68
00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:33,919
Pass me
the masking tape, will ya?
69
00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:35,553
Adult mark (v.O.):
The cards brought updates
70
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:37,522
From far-flung
friends and family
71
00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:39,123
That you didn't
really know anymore.
72
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,726
Like analog social media.
73
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,527
-So, I wanted
to ask you something.
74
00:02:42,529 --> 00:02:45,530
-We never got a card
from aunt tilly this year.
75
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:48,600
But we did get a card
from leo in new jersey.
76
00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:49,734
-Good.
77
00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:53,304
-He says tilly hasn't
been feeling very well.
78
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,874
So, leo, alive.
79
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:56,942
Tick.
80
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:58,343
But tilly...
81
00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:02,214
Gonna have to mark her down
as "missing and presumed dead."
82
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,749
Boy, there's less
and less cards every year.
83
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:07,252
-Maybe I could bring by
the girl I've been seeing?
84
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:09,488
I'd really like
for you guys to meet her.
85
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,423
-I dunno, mike, b'y.
86
00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,225
Christmas is a very busy time.
87
00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:14,559
There's a lot on the go.
88
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,828
It's not a good time to be
having people over.
89
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,896
-See, that's kind of
what normal people do.
90
00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:21,300
They, uh, they have
people over at christmas.
91
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,401
-Why don't you just
bring her to mass, hey?
92
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,971
-You mean midnight mass?
-Mm-hm.
93
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:29,841
-Yeah... Yeah.
Sure. Uh...
94
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,843
I think-- I need to
tell you, though. She's--
95
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,044
Mary: Mike?
96
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,781
-What?
-Mary: Where's jesus?
97
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,515
-At the right hand
of the father.
98
00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:39,651
Mary: I can't find
the baby jesus.
99
00:03:41,956 --> 00:03:44,056
What is a nativity
without a baby jesus?
100
00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:47,058
It's just a group of strangers
standing around a barn
101
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,527
With pack-all to talk about.
102
00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:50,529
-He's not under the couch!
103
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,263
-Why don't you
just buy another one?
104
00:03:52,299 --> 00:03:53,298
-Oh!
105
00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:56,334
-You can't
"just buy" a baby jesus.
106
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:58,136
They don't sell 'em by the each!
107
00:03:58,205 --> 00:03:59,638
That's how they get you.
108
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:02,708
Yeah, you gotta buy
the whole damn set again.
109
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:06,011
Bloody vatican mafia.
110
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:07,779
What's wrong with him?
111
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:09,414
-Phew!
112
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:10,349
[door slams]
113
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:12,217
How about this?
114
00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:13,485
-Yeah, that'll do.
115
00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:15,420
-Yeah!
Pop him in.
116
00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:20,558
Mary: It's kinda cute.
117
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,093
Adult mark (v.O.):
Nothing said christmas
118
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:23,762
Like the church raffle.
119
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:27,365
The big prize was a chance
to win one of two live turkeys,
120
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:29,567
Named after vocm personalities.
121
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,170
Us kids were made to dress up
as a living nativity,
122
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:35,206
To shake the last few
christmas coins from folks
123
00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:36,775
And put the fun in "or-phun."
124
00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:39,311
-Two for 50, five for a dollar!
125
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,380
Two dollars for one,
three for 5!
126
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:44,582
Father handrigan: Number 317
is the winner
127
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:48,053
Of the hind quarter of moose
from w.J. Murphy!
128
00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:50,255
Adult mark (v.O.): One thing
I learned that year...
129
00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:52,190
It's hard to find a baby jesus.
130
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:53,758
Dick: Come on now, my lovelies!
131
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,728
We've got 25 cents
holding up the wheel here!
132
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,364
Sister rose: Ahh!
Here!
133
00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:03,235
Pop: Ahh!
134
00:05:03,237 --> 00:05:04,503
-[muah]
-[growls]
135
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:05,970
Dick: Look, mike, b'y!
136
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,272
He's got your legs!
137
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:08,673
[laughter]
138
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,776
-You look delicious, mike!
139
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,311
[turkey gobbles]
140
00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:14,512
Mary: Come on, lighten up.
141
00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:16,148
It's christmas, hmm?
142
00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:20,552
Think of the look on mark's face
when he opens that gift, huh?
143
00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:23,355
Mike sr: Won't be long now
till he's big like mike.
144
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,157
-Well...
145
00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:28,493
At least we always have pop.
146
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:31,363
Mark: Donations...
Donations for the orphanage?
147
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:32,564
Ritche: We don't
even have prizes.
148
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:33,698
We can't compete.
149
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:36,268
-Baby jesus
wants a bag of chips.
150
00:05:36,403 --> 00:05:37,769
-Frig off.
We got chips at home.
151
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:41,473
-Ya can't tell
the baby jesus to frig off, b'y!
152
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:43,408
-I need some change.
153
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:45,744
-Isn't it for charity, sister?
-Eh...
154
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:48,113
Charity begins at home.
155
00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:51,917
Dick: Round and round
and round it goes...
156
00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:55,987
Where it stops,
only dick dunphy knows!
157
00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:57,856
And...
158
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:01,526
The winner of dick the turkey
159
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:04,996
Is number 72.
160
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:06,231
7-2!
161
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:07,598
[people exclaiming]
162
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:08,967
-I got it! Yup!
163
00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,068
-We have a winner!
164
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:10,736
[pop laughing]
165
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,672
-Hey, thank you!
Yeah!
166
00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:15,673
-We've have it slaughtered
and delivered to you
167
00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:16,875
For the big day, pops!
168
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:20,545
-Can't clean
your own turkey, eh, pat?
169
00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:21,746
-Of course I can.
170
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:24,616
No, no, I'll...
I'll take it as is.
171
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,385
Yeah, I can kill my own turkey.
172
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:28,887
Dick: You sure, pat b'y?
173
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,521
Ever done that before?
174
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,924
-[scoffs]
have I ever done that before?
175
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:36,294
Hah! Yeah!
I'm not a soft townie like you!
176
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:38,430
[laughter]
177
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,232
Oh, no...
178
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,033
Huh.
Yeah...
179
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,568
Ah, it's good.
180
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:44,936
Adult mark (v.O.):
My hinting worked.
181
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,838
Mom agreed to put
the game on layaway
182
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,707
At consumers distributing.
183
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:49,974
You flipped through
a catalogue,
184
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,109
Wrote down what you wanted
on a slip of paper
185
00:06:52,146 --> 00:06:54,345
With a tiny pencil,
and they'd bring it to you.
186
00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:55,713
Like analog online shopping.
187
00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:57,249
-Gemini gaming system.
188
00:06:57,384 --> 00:06:58,450
Sweet gift.
189
00:06:58,519 --> 00:06:59,851
-I've been a very good boy,
190
00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:02,587
And I'm exceptionally
good at guilting mom.
191
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,255
Employee: Next?
192
00:07:06,693 --> 00:07:08,326
-Gemini gaming system, please.
193
00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:09,594
-Uh, yeah,
we're all out of those.
194
00:07:09,729 --> 00:07:11,195
It's practically christmas.
195
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:12,930
-My mom has it on layaway.
196
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:13,932
Mary critch.
197
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,734
-You're picking up?
-No.
198
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,636
-He just wants to visit it.
199
00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:20,138
Employee: [background]
number 47, please...
200
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:21,472
-I'm getting an omnibot.
201
00:07:21,508 --> 00:07:22,740
As seen on tv.
202
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:25,743
It goes forwards and backwards.
203
00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:28,380
I've always wanted a
robot butler to serve me drinks.
204
00:07:28,515 --> 00:07:29,781
-Cool.
205
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:32,417
Yeah... You'd have to pour
the drink yourself first
206
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:34,752
And then put it
on the tray, but...
207
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:38,523
Still, very cool.
208
00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:39,724
-Right.
209
00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:41,993
-Sorry, it's not there.
210
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:44,495
-Impossible!
Check again, please.
211
00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:45,830
-Next!
212
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,432
-You know what
this means, right?
213
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,233
She already picked it up!
214
00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:52,437
The gaming system
is hidden inside your house!
215
00:07:52,572 --> 00:07:54,005
Right now.
216
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:57,175
If you could find it, you could
play it when they're not home.
217
00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:00,545
They'd never know!
218
00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:01,679
-Well...
219
00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:05,650
[turkey gobbling and flapping]
220
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,652
-Wha--
-pop...!
221
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:10,054
You can't keep that thing
in the house!
222
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,255
Kill it.
223
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,258
-No, it's too soon.
224
00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:15,660
I mean, you have to gain
the trust of the animal
225
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:18,263
Before you kill it,
so that they feel safe,
226
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:21,733
And then the meat
will stay nice and tender.
227
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,735
-I share a bathroom
with four men.
228
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,604
I'm not sharing one
with a turkey.
229
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:28,072
-The turkey's in the tub!
230
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:29,574
I mean,
if you want more privacy,
231
00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:31,376
Then just pull the
shower curtain across--
232
00:08:31,445 --> 00:08:33,311
-Oh!
-[turkey gobbling]
233
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,247
-Ah.
234
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:39,884
[turkey gobbling]
235
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,152
Announcer: [tv]
starting at noon,
236
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:43,555
Parade-goers can watch
along water street.
237
00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:46,257
It's supposed to be a cold one,
so bundle up the youngsters
238
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:47,259
If you plan on coming.
239
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:49,227
-Mary: That's cute.
-Mike sr: Let's take it.
240
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:50,995
Announcer: [tv] ...And bring
your letters for santa.
241
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,331
Adult mark (v.O.): There were
only so many hiding places
242
00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:54,733
In a house this size.
243
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,634
But mom was clever.
244
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,303
Announcer: [tv]
he's asking kids to line up
245
00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:00,905
Along commonwealth avenue,
at noon on Sunday...
246
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:03,775
Adult mark (v.O.): The last
place I'd expect...
247
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:07,178
-[pop snoring]
-[suspenseful music]
248
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:10,648
[pop groaning]
249
00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:14,919
[suspenseful music continues]
250
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:18,656
[triumphant music]
251
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:22,193
Adult mark (v.O.):
Level one, complete.
252
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:24,328
My mother taught me how
to carefully unwrap gifts,
253
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:28,466
And I was using
that power for evil.
254
00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:30,101
Since my parents
never went out,
255
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:33,271
The only way to play my game
was when they were asleep.
256
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,939
[video game noises]
257
00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:36,174
Adult mark (v.O.):
I zapped and jumped
258
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:39,177
Long into the night,
and well into dawn,
259
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,879
When it would be game over
if I got caught.
260
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:44,282
["carol of the bells" playing]
261
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:48,419
[pop snoring]
262
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:51,022
Adult mark (v.O.): Visions
of mario danced in my head.
263
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:57,361
Adult mark (v.O.): The whole
family was heading out
264
00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:58,229
To midnight mass.
265
00:09:58,231 --> 00:09:59,431
The house would be empty.
266
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:01,699
And I had a date with
a barrel-throwing gorilla.
267
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:03,268
-Dad?
-Dammit!
268
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,569
Aunt tilley's alive!
269
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:05,870
-Isn't that a good thing?
270
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,639
-Not when I've already
sent a "sympathy" card!
271
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:11,576
This is a disaster!
272
00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:12,777
-You know what?
273
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:16,180
I love midnight mass
more than anyone, but...
274
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:19,117
I think someone should stay
behind and watch the turkey.
275
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,919
You know, give it a last meal
before it becomes one.
276
00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:23,287
You go ahead.
277
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,790
-Oh, no you don't.
You're going.
278
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:27,992
We all hate midnight mass.
279
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,194
That's the point of it.
280
00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:30,929
You have to have
some misery christmas eve
281
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:33,732
So you can appreciate
the joy of christmas morning.
282
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:35,466
-But--
-you're going.
283
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,806
"pleased to hear of
your survival"...
284
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:43,942
[turkey gobbling]
285
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:45,276
-Pop!
-Hm?
286
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,045
It's christmas friggin' eve.
No more excuses.
287
00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:49,413
-Shh!
Very sensitive.
288
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:51,148
Got her on a special diet.
289
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:52,150
White wine.
290
00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:54,952
I'm marinating from the inside.
291
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,287
-No mass for you!
292
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:58,355
You are staying here
until you kill that turkey!
293
00:10:58,492 --> 00:10:59,591
-No mass?
294
00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:00,658
-Can I kill it?
295
00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:01,893
-Uh... Do you want to?
296
00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:04,028
-No! Pop's gonna do it.
297
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:06,264
-Wha...?
-By the lord dyin',
298
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:09,834
If I comes home and that turkey
is still breathing,
299
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,203
I swear to god
you will be the one
300
00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:13,904
Getting stuffed in the morning!
301
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:16,808
[turkey gobbling and flapping]
302
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:18,476
[turkey chirping]
303
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:22,546
Come on,
we goes to friggin' mass!
304
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:23,681
-Ah.
305
00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:24,815
[turkey chirping]
306
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:27,452
-[flapping and gobbling]
-hm...
307
00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:29,387
[turkey flapping]
308
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:35,326
Pop: You have
the most beautiful feathers.
309
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:38,396
Regal, almost.
310
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,665
And yet...
311
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,868
You can't even fly.
312
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,804
God can be cruel.
313
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:50,107
Plucking, oh,
it's so barbaric!
314
00:11:52,446 --> 00:11:54,412
[electric razor buzzes]
315
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,747
I wonder...
316
00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:57,916
I wonder if I could use this.
317
00:11:57,918 --> 00:12:00,018
Hmm.
Mm-hm.
318
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,689
Ah...
319
00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:08,359
Don't look at me like that.
320
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:12,062
That's the way
my wife used to look at me.
321
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:22,039
Oh, you're too wild
for this world, girl.
322
00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:23,841
Way too wild.
323
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,577
Yeah, there you go.
Beautiful.
324
00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:27,678
There, there, that's nice!
325
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:29,280
[turkey chirping]
326
00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:31,982
-Come on, girl...
You can't stay here.
327
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:33,985
Come on, I don't want
you here anymore.
328
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:35,520
Go, go, get!
329
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,188
-[turkey gobbling]
-ahh!
330
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:38,856
Go...!
331
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:42,527
-[door slams]
-[breathing heavily]
332
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,528
I had to let you go.
333
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,400
Merry christmas, my lovely.
334
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,369
[church bell tolling]
335
00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:56,808
Choir: ♪ joy to the world,
the lord is come ♪
336
00:12:56,943 --> 00:13:01,212
♪ let earth receive her king ♪
337
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:05,817
♪ let every heart
prepare him room ♪
338
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,018
♪ and heaven and nature sing ♪
339
00:13:08,054 --> 00:13:10,021
♪ and heaven
and nature sing... ♪
340
00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:14,559
♪ and heaven and heaven
and nature sing ♪
341
00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:17,829
♪ he rules the world
with truth and grace... ♪
342
00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:21,065
-Oh, hi!
343
00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:23,968
♪
344
00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:25,503
-Mike...
-Yeah?
345
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:26,838
-Is that girl pregnant?
346
00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:29,340
-What?
347
00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:34,178
No, I'm sure it's just a little
bit of christmas weight.
348
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:36,247
-What'd she eat?
The baby jesus?
349
00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:37,548
-Shh!
350
00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:45,890
-Let us celebrate
the virgin birth
351
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:48,359
That changed the world.
352
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:50,695
Let us gather in praise
on the arrival
353
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:54,298
Of an unexpected baby
that gave us all life...
354
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:57,502
-I'm gonna friggin' kill him.
355
00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,504
Sister rose:
The body of christ...
356
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:02,240
Father garcia:
♪ a ray of hope ♪
357
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:05,943
♪ flickers in the sky. ♪
358
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,412
Sister rose:
The body of christ...
359
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:11,949
Father garcia: ♪ a tiny star
lights up way up high... ♪
360
00:14:13,953 --> 00:14:16,787
-The body of christ...
361
00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:19,090
Adult mark (v.O.): Whatever
was going on with mike
362
00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:21,025
Was making midnight mass
feel like a funeral.
363
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,493
-The body of christ...
364
00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:27,432
Father garcia: ♪ this comes to
pass when a child is born... ♪
365
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,170
-The body of christ.
366
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:34,973
Father garcia: ♪ ...Sails
the seven seas... ♪
367
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,509
♪ the winds of change... ♪
368
00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:39,911
-Amen.
369
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,580
-♪ whisper in the trees. ♪
370
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:50,121
♪ and the walls of doubt
crumble, tossed and torn. ♪
371
00:14:50,256 --> 00:14:52,189
-What the frig, mike?
372
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,857
I thought you
told them about me.
373
00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:55,225
-I did...
374
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,796
Yeah, okay, I didn't, but...
375
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,998
I was going to, I swear.
376
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:02,600
-You're embarrassed of me,
is that it?
377
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:03,868
-Oh, god, no.
378
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:06,037
-Well, I'm embarrassed.
379
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:08,205
She's looking at me like
I'm gonna steal her purse.
380
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:12,010
-Come on, that's my mother.
-And I'm your girlfriend.
381
00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:16,080
You wants me to stay that way,
you can't be hiding me no more.
382
00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:18,182
Father garcia:
♪ all across the land ♪
383
00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,616
♪ dawns a brand-new... ♪
384
00:15:19,653 --> 00:15:21,952
-Well, at least
she put her coat back on.
385
00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:23,087
-Okay...
386
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,355
-What's happening?
387
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:28,025
-Nothing.
None of your business.
388
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:29,360
-What's going on?
389
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:32,429
-Nothing.
None of your business.
390
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:44,241
Adult mark (v.O.): I'd never
seen my brother pray before,
391
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:46,711
But even I was throwing out
a few hail mary's
392
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,780
For him tonight .
393
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:51,815
♪
394
00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:56,186
-That was a nice mass...
395
00:15:56,222 --> 00:15:57,922
-I am too young
to be a grandmother!
396
00:15:58,057 --> 00:15:59,657
-I thought we raised you
better than this.
397
00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:02,259
-Yeah, okay, okay. Look...
Linda's having a baby.
398
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,595
-Oh! A christmas miracle!
The truth!
399
00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:05,830
-But it's not mine.
400
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,132
-Oh, thank god!
Well, hang on--
401
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,401
-What are you doing with her
if it's not yours?
402
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:13,137
-Well, her ex was a jerk,
he dumped her,
403
00:16:13,272 --> 00:16:14,872
And then we started
dating, and...
404
00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,340
Look, I like her.
405
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:19,143
She didn't even know
that she was, you know,
406
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,545
Until we went out.
407
00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:21,545
-Sneaky hussy!
408
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,881
Mike jr: No, no, no.
It's not like that.
409
00:16:23,917 --> 00:16:26,084
We're more friends
than anything.
410
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:27,218
Look, we haven't even--
411
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,486
Mary: No, don't even say it!
412
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:29,553
-Haven't what?
413
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:32,223
-Never you mind!
This is not your responsibility!
414
00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:34,559
-I'm not gonna dump her
just 'cause she's pregnant.
415
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:35,492
She needs me.
416
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,295
-She needs the child's father!
417
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:39,297
-Look!
[chuckles nervously] home!
418
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,098
Oh, it's pretty with
all the lights, mom.
419
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:42,966
-Joseph wasn't
jesus's real dad.
420
00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:45,302
What if mary dumped him, hmm?
-Oh, I swear to god...
421
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,038
-Have you lost your mind?
422
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:49,240
Take a look at her!
It's no virgin birth!
423
00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:51,342
And I am not gonna be
wiping the arse
424
00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:53,444
Of somebody else's youngster!
You can forget that!
425
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:56,180
-[thud]
-[turkey whimpers]
426
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:58,315
-Good god.
427
00:16:58,317 --> 00:17:00,318
You killed dick.
428
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:08,692
[wipers creaking]
429
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:19,537
Adult mark (v.O.):
I couldn't sleep
430
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,138
After hosing down the driveway.
431
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:24,809
Sure, I could wait another few
hours, but I was on a roll...
432
00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,677
[video game noises]
433
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,946
-Oh, I've gotta get it...
434
00:17:28,982 --> 00:17:31,682
[video game noises]
435
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:37,555
[tv static sound]
436
00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:40,524
[birds chirping]
437
00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:47,564
["carol of the bells" playing]
438
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,300
-Oh, no...
439
00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:55,073
[panicked murmuring]
440
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:56,774
Mary: Mark?
441
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,910
Oh, merry christmas, honey!
442
00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:02,380
I know you've been waiting ages
to play that thing!
443
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:05,349
-Hey, no opening presents
until everyone's up!
444
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:06,684
Well, come on, hook it up!
445
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,319
Let's see what all
the fuss is about!
446
00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:11,189
Adult mark (v.O.): All I wanted
for christmas now was a nap.
447
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:12,924
-Maybe later...?
448
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,392
-You don't like it?
449
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,260
-No, I just...
450
00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:19,096
-The queen's christmas message
is coming on.
451
00:18:19,231 --> 00:18:24,768
[orchestral music on tv]
452
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:26,404
-Good god!
453
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:27,471
Adult mark (v.O.):
Left on all night,
454
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,941
The game had burned itself
into the screen.
455
00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:31,943
-"high score...
456
00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,477
"mark"?
457
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:35,479
Adult mark (v.O.):
The evidence was as clear
458
00:18:35,481 --> 00:18:37,281
As the lines
on the queen's face.
459
00:18:37,416 --> 00:18:38,949
-Uh, I've been playing it.
460
00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:41,285
At night.
When you've been asleep.
461
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:44,221
-Do you know what it meant to be
able to give you that this year?
462
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:46,624
I was excited
to watch you open it!
463
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:48,458
-Well, I hope it was worth it!
464
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:51,395
'cause you got the tv
shagged up for good now!
465
00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:53,164
-I'm sorry.
-God...
466
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:54,565
Mark: I didn't--
467
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:58,035
-A video game with
no television to play it.
468
00:18:58,104 --> 00:19:00,837
Ah! Well done, o henry.
469
00:19:00,874 --> 00:19:02,639
Adult mark (v.O.): My parents
had worked hard
470
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,575
To give me
the one thing I wanted,
471
00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:07,444
And all I gave them in return
was a busted television.
472
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,180
I had been selfish.
473
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,514
I only thought of myself.
474
00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:14,451
I was... A scrooge.
475
00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:18,389
-Mmm!
476
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,190
Good god, that turkey's
some tender.
477
00:19:20,226 --> 00:19:22,593
-Aw.
-You know why?
478
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,663
It's because she was loved.
479
00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:29,032
-Well, I think it's
'cause mom tenderized it.
480
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:31,335
-Sucking up won't help you.
481
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:34,771
Mary: Mmm...
482
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:38,475
-What's this?
483
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:41,078
-It's a christmas card.
484
00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:42,813
From linda.
485
00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:44,515
Adult mark (v.O.): The turkey
had been replaced
486
00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:45,849
By an elephant in the room.
487
00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:48,819
-Can't we just
have a nice supper?
488
00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:49,820
Just please?
489
00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:56,827
-Ow! Baby jesus!
490
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:04,635
...Baby jesus.
491
00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:09,673
[pop sighs]
492
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:12,843
-Mom, dad...
493
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:15,913
I'm sorry.
494
00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:19,383
I acted like a dumb kid
this christmas.
495
00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:20,684
You should return the game
496
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:24,121
And put the money towards
getting the tv repaired.
497
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:25,523
It's the right thing to do.
498
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,758
-Very mature of you, son.
499
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,398
We'll figure it out.
500
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,003
We always do.
501
00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:44,842
♪
502
00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:46,610
-Here.
503
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:50,948
♪
504
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:53,950
Adult mark (v.O.):
Gifts can be fun.
505
00:20:53,952 --> 00:20:56,487
But christmas is about family.
506
00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:05,096
Those who aren't
with us anymore...
507
00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:07,832
-Mmm...
508
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:10,234
Adult mark (v.O.): And
those who aren't here yet.
509
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:11,369
Mike jr: This is it.
510
00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:13,370
The glorious world of radio.
511
00:21:16,709 --> 00:21:19,009
Adult mark (v.O.): It's
the thought that counts.
512
00:21:19,045 --> 00:21:22,913
And sometimes, it's
the only thing that matters.
513
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♪
514
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515
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♪
516
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♪
517
00:21:36,729 --> 00:21:39,463
♪
518
00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:44,001
♪
519
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:47,804
♪