1 00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:03,101 Adult mark (v.O.): Christmas at the critch house 2 00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:04,436 Was a thrifty affair. 3 00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,505 Mom would wrap up stuff from around the house 4 00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:08,873 To make the tree look a little more filled out. 5 00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,109 -What about the coffee pot? 6 00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,910 -Ooh! 7 00:00:11,946 --> 00:00:14,246 Nice shape! 8 00:00:14,315 --> 00:00:16,115 -Hey, mom, you seen my electric razor? 9 00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:19,585 I wrapped it and put it under the tree. 10 00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:20,386 -What? 11 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,054 -I only got it for ya in October! 12 00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:23,055 It's practically a christmas gift. 13 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,256 -Yeah... 14 00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:25,791 -Act surprised when you open it again. 15 00:00:25,926 --> 00:00:28,694 [instrumental "we wish you a merry christmas" playing] 16 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:29,727 -I think this is it. 17 00:00:29,764 --> 00:00:32,531 -Oh, pull the tape gently so you don't rip it. 18 00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:34,466 Wrapping paper doesn't grow on trees. 19 00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,535 -Well, technically-- -ehh... 20 00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:41,406 Adult mark (v.O.): Mom's thriftiness taught me 21 00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:42,407 To be an expert wrapper... 22 00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,609 And un-wrapper. 23 00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:48,547 -Thanks. 24 00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:50,649 Adult mark (v.O.): This year, I only had one thing 25 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:52,451 On my list, and I couldn't wait 26 00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:53,852 To get my hands on it. 27 00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:56,021 -Are you still gawking at that catalogue page? 28 00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,289 -It's not just a page! 29 00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,525 This is a gemini home video game console 30 00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:02,194 With dual-command joystick and two cartridges! 31 00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:05,430 -When I was a boy, you'd be lucky to get an orange. 32 00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,099 Adult mark (v.O.): The critch men believed that 33 00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:08,300 "it's the thought that counts." 34 00:01:08,369 --> 00:01:11,036 As in, "a penny for your thoughts." 35 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,638 [scrooge pop counting] 36 00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:15,640 Adult mark (v.O.): I came from a long line of scrooges. 37 00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:18,443 -Hundred-and-eleven, hundred-and-twelve, 38 00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,646 Hundred-and-thir-- what do you want, child? 39 00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,314 -[fake cockney accent] well, uh... 40 00:01:22,449 --> 00:01:24,116 It's christmas, sir. 41 00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:25,684 -Humbug! 42 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,386 I hate christmas. 43 00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,254 So, what do you want? 44 00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:32,390 A yo-yo? A spin top? Or a kick in the arse? 45 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,792 -No, sir. I... 46 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:38,597 ...Would like a gemini home video game console, sir. 47 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:42,968 -I do have a very special gift. 48 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,837 Merry christmas. 49 00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:47,272 -Wha...? 50 00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:50,008 [tearing paper] 51 00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:54,713 [scrooge pop laughing] 52 00:01:56,383 --> 00:01:58,249 Mary: I don't know, mark. 53 00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:01,352 A video game is a pretty big gift. 54 00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:03,155 I guess we'll see what santa says. 55 00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:04,689 Adult mark (v.O.): The critches were cheap, 56 00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,892 But luckily mom was only a critch by marriage. 57 00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:08,059 -Mom... 58 00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:10,262 I'm too old to believe in santa, 59 00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:12,697 But I have nothing but faith... 60 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:13,698 In you. 61 00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:14,966 -Nice try. 62 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,771 Whoa, your father's doing his cards! 63 00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:24,209 Adult mark (v.O.): Dad did his christmas cards 64 00:02:24,344 --> 00:02:25,977 The way most people did their taxes. 65 00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:27,111 -Dad? 66 00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:30,515 -Ah, we got a card from tony in fort mcmurray. 67 00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,517 -Oh. Nice. -He's got the diabetes. 68 00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:33,919 Pass me the masking tape, will ya? 69 00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:35,553 Adult mark (v.O.): The cards brought updates 70 00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:37,522 From far-flung friends and family 71 00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:39,123 That you didn't really know anymore. 72 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,726 Like analog social media. 73 00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,527 -So, I wanted to ask you something. 74 00:02:42,529 --> 00:02:45,530 -We never got a card from aunt tilly this year. 75 00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:48,600 But we did get a card from leo in new jersey. 76 00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:49,734 -Good. 77 00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:53,304 -He says tilly hasn't been feeling very well. 78 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,874 So, leo, alive. 79 00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:56,942 Tick. 80 00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:58,343 But tilly... 81 00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:02,214 Gonna have to mark her down as "missing and presumed dead." 82 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,749 Boy, there's less and less cards every year. 83 00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:07,252 -Maybe I could bring by the girl I've been seeing? 84 00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:09,488 I'd really like for you guys to meet her. 85 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,423 -I dunno, mike, b'y. 86 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,225 Christmas is a very busy time. 87 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:14,559 There's a lot on the go. 88 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,828 It's not a good time to be having people over. 89 00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,896 -See, that's kind of what normal people do. 90 00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:21,300 They, uh, they have people over at christmas. 91 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,401 -Why don't you just bring her to mass, hey? 92 00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,971 -You mean midnight mass? -Mm-hm. 93 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:29,841 -Yeah... Yeah. Sure. Uh... 94 00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,843 I think-- I need to tell you, though. She's-- 95 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,044 Mary: Mike? 96 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,781 -What? -Mary: Where's jesus? 97 00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,515 -At the right hand of the father. 98 00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:39,651 Mary: I can't find the baby jesus. 99 00:03:41,956 --> 00:03:44,056 What is a nativity without a baby jesus? 100 00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:47,058 It's just a group of strangers standing around a barn 101 00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,527 With pack-all to talk about. 102 00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:50,529 -He's not under the couch! 103 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,263 -Why don't you just buy another one? 104 00:03:52,299 --> 00:03:53,298 -Oh! 105 00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:56,334 -You can't "just buy" a baby jesus. 106 00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:58,136 They don't sell 'em by the each! 107 00:03:58,205 --> 00:03:59,638 That's how they get you. 108 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:02,708 Yeah, you gotta buy the whole damn set again. 109 00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:06,011 Bloody vatican mafia. 110 00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:07,779 What's wrong with him? 111 00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:09,414 -Phew! 112 00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:10,349 [door slams] 113 00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:12,217 How about this? 114 00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:13,485 -Yeah, that'll do. 115 00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:15,420 -Yeah! Pop him in. 116 00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:20,558 Mary: It's kinda cute. 117 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,093 Adult mark (v.O.): Nothing said christmas 118 00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:23,762 Like the church raffle. 119 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:27,365 The big prize was a chance to win one of two live turkeys, 120 00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:29,567 Named after vocm personalities. 121 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,170 Us kids were made to dress up as a living nativity, 122 00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:35,206 To shake the last few christmas coins from folks 123 00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:36,775 And put the fun in "or-phun." 124 00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:39,311 -Two for 50, five for a dollar! 125 00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,380 Two dollars for one, three for 5! 126 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:44,582 Father handrigan: Number 317 is the winner 127 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:48,053 Of the hind quarter of moose from w.J. Murphy! 128 00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:50,255 Adult mark (v.O.): One thing I learned that year... 129 00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:52,190 It's hard to find a baby jesus. 130 00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:53,758 Dick: Come on now, my lovelies! 131 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,728 We've got 25 cents holding up the wheel here! 132 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,364 Sister rose: Ahh! Here! 133 00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:03,235 Pop: Ahh! 134 00:05:03,237 --> 00:05:04,503 -[muah] -[growls] 135 00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:05,970 Dick: Look, mike, b'y! 136 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,272 He's got your legs! 137 00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:08,673 [laughter] 138 00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,776 -You look delicious, mike! 139 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,311 [turkey gobbles] 140 00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:14,512 Mary: Come on, lighten up. 141 00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:16,148 It's christmas, hmm? 142 00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:20,552 Think of the look on mark's face when he opens that gift, huh? 143 00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:23,355 Mike sr: Won't be long now till he's big like mike. 144 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,157 -Well... 145 00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:28,493 At least we always have pop. 146 00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:31,363 Mark: Donations... Donations for the orphanage? 147 00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:32,564 Ritche: We don't even have prizes. 148 00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:33,698 We can't compete. 149 00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:36,268 -Baby jesus wants a bag of chips. 150 00:05:36,403 --> 00:05:37,769 -Frig off. We got chips at home. 151 00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:41,473 -Ya can't tell the baby jesus to frig off, b'y! 152 00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:43,408 -I need some change. 153 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:45,744 -Isn't it for charity, sister? -Eh... 154 00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:48,113 Charity begins at home. 155 00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:51,917 Dick: Round and round and round it goes... 156 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:55,987 Where it stops, only dick dunphy knows! 157 00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:57,856 And... 158 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:01,526 The winner of dick the turkey 159 00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:04,996 Is number 72. 160 00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:06,231 7-2! 161 00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:07,598 [people exclaiming] 162 00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:08,967 -I got it! Yup! 163 00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,068 -We have a winner! 164 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:10,736 [pop laughing] 165 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,672 -Hey, thank you! Yeah! 166 00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:15,673 -We've have it slaughtered and delivered to you 167 00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:16,875 For the big day, pops! 168 00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:20,545 -Can't clean your own turkey, eh, pat? 169 00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:21,746 -Of course I can. 170 00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:24,616 No, no, I'll... I'll take it as is. 171 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,385 Yeah, I can kill my own turkey. 172 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:28,887 Dick: You sure, pat b'y? 173 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,521 Ever done that before? 174 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,924 -[scoffs] have I ever done that before? 175 00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:36,294 Hah! Yeah! I'm not a soft townie like you! 176 00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:38,430 [laughter] 177 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,232 Oh, no... 178 00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,033 Huh. Yeah... 179 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,568 Ah, it's good. 180 00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:44,936 Adult mark (v.O.): My hinting worked. 181 00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,838 Mom agreed to put the game on layaway 182 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,707 At consumers distributing. 183 00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:49,974 You flipped through a catalogue, 184 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,109 Wrote down what you wanted on a slip of paper 185 00:06:52,146 --> 00:06:54,345 With a tiny pencil, and they'd bring it to you. 186 00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:55,713 Like analog online shopping. 187 00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:57,249 -Gemini gaming system. 188 00:06:57,384 --> 00:06:58,450 Sweet gift. 189 00:06:58,519 --> 00:06:59,851 -I've been a very good boy, 190 00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:02,587 And I'm exceptionally good at guilting mom. 191 00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,255 Employee: Next? 192 00:07:06,693 --> 00:07:08,326 -Gemini gaming system, please. 193 00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:09,594 -Uh, yeah, we're all out of those. 194 00:07:09,729 --> 00:07:11,195 It's practically christmas. 195 00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:12,930 -My mom has it on layaway. 196 00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:13,932 Mary critch. 197 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,734 -You're picking up? -No. 198 00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,636 -He just wants to visit it. 199 00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:20,138 Employee: [background] number 47, please... 200 00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:21,472 -I'm getting an omnibot. 201 00:07:21,508 --> 00:07:22,740 As seen on tv. 202 00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:25,743 It goes forwards and backwards. 203 00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:28,380 I've always wanted a robot butler to serve me drinks. 204 00:07:28,515 --> 00:07:29,781 -Cool. 205 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:32,417 Yeah... You'd have to pour the drink yourself first 206 00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:34,752 And then put it on the tray, but... 207 00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:38,523 Still, very cool. 208 00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:39,724 -Right. 209 00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:41,993 -Sorry, it's not there. 210 00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:44,495 -Impossible! Check again, please. 211 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:45,830 -Next! 212 00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,432 -You know what this means, right? 213 00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,233 She already picked it up! 214 00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:52,437 The gaming system is hidden inside your house! 215 00:07:52,572 --> 00:07:54,005 Right now. 216 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:57,175 If you could find it, you could play it when they're not home. 217 00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:00,545 They'd never know! 218 00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:01,679 -Well... 219 00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:05,650 [turkey gobbling and flapping] 220 00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,652 -Wha-- -pop...! 221 00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:10,054 You can't keep that thing in the house! 222 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,255 Kill it. 223 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,258 -No, it's too soon. 224 00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:15,660 I mean, you have to gain the trust of the animal 225 00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:18,263 Before you kill it, so that they feel safe, 226 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:21,733 And then the meat will stay nice and tender. 227 00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,735 -I share a bathroom with four men. 228 00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,604 I'm not sharing one with a turkey. 229 00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:28,072 -The turkey's in the tub! 230 00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:29,574 I mean, if you want more privacy, 231 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:31,376 Then just pull the shower curtain across-- 232 00:08:31,445 --> 00:08:33,311 -Oh! -[turkey gobbling] 233 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,247 -Ah. 234 00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:39,884 [turkey gobbling] 235 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,152 Announcer: [tv] starting at noon, 236 00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:43,555 Parade-goers can watch along water street. 237 00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:46,257 It's supposed to be a cold one, so bundle up the youngsters 238 00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:47,259 If you plan on coming. 239 00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:49,227 -Mary: That's cute. -Mike sr: Let's take it. 240 00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:50,995 Announcer: [tv] ...And bring your letters for santa. 241 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,331 Adult mark (v.O.): There were only so many hiding places 242 00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:54,733 In a house this size. 243 00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,634 But mom was clever. 244 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,303 Announcer: [tv] he's asking kids to line up 245 00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:00,905 Along commonwealth avenue, at noon on Sunday... 246 00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:03,775 Adult mark (v.O.): The last place I'd expect... 247 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:07,178 -[pop snoring] -[suspenseful music] 248 00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:10,648 [pop groaning] 249 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:14,919 [suspenseful music continues] 250 00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:18,656 [triumphant music] 251 00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:22,193 Adult mark (v.O.): Level one, complete. 252 00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:24,328 My mother taught me how to carefully unwrap gifts, 253 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:28,466 And I was using that power for evil. 254 00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:30,101 Since my parents never went out, 255 00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:33,271 The only way to play my game was when they were asleep. 256 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,939 [video game noises] 257 00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:36,174 Adult mark (v.O.): I zapped and jumped 258 00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:39,177 Long into the night, and well into dawn, 259 00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,879 When it would be game over if I got caught. 260 00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:44,282 ["carol of the bells" playing] 261 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:48,419 [pop snoring] 262 00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:51,022 Adult mark (v.O.): Visions of mario danced in my head. 263 00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:57,361 Adult mark (v.O.): The whole family was heading out 264 00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:58,229 To midnight mass. 265 00:09:58,231 --> 00:09:59,431 The house would be empty. 266 00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:01,699 And I had a date with a barrel-throwing gorilla. 267 00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:03,268 -Dad? -Dammit! 268 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,569 Aunt tilley's alive! 269 00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:05,870 -Isn't that a good thing? 270 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,639 -Not when I've already sent a "sympathy" card! 271 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:11,576 This is a disaster! 272 00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:12,777 -You know what? 273 00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:16,180 I love midnight mass more than anyone, but... 274 00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:19,117 I think someone should stay behind and watch the turkey. 275 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,919 You know, give it a last meal before it becomes one. 276 00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:23,287 You go ahead. 277 00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,790 -Oh, no you don't. You're going. 278 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:27,992 We all hate midnight mass. 279 00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,194 That's the point of it. 280 00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:30,929 You have to have some misery christmas eve 281 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:33,732 So you can appreciate the joy of christmas morning. 282 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:35,466 -But-- -you're going. 283 00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,806 "pleased to hear of your survival"... 284 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:43,942 [turkey gobbling] 285 00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:45,276 -Pop! -Hm? 286 00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,045 It's christmas friggin' eve. No more excuses. 287 00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:49,413 -Shh! Very sensitive. 288 00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:51,148 Got her on a special diet. 289 00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:52,150 White wine. 290 00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:54,952 I'm marinating from the inside. 291 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,287 -No mass for you! 292 00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:58,355 You are staying here until you kill that turkey! 293 00:10:58,492 --> 00:10:59,591 -No mass? 294 00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:00,658 -Can I kill it? 295 00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:01,893 -Uh... Do you want to? 296 00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:04,028 -No! Pop's gonna do it. 297 00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:06,264 -Wha...? -By the lord dyin', 298 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:09,834 If I comes home and that turkey is still breathing, 299 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,203 I swear to god you will be the one 300 00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:13,904 Getting stuffed in the morning! 301 00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:16,808 [turkey gobbling and flapping] 302 00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:18,476 [turkey chirping] 303 00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:22,546 Come on, we goes to friggin' mass! 304 00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:23,681 -Ah. 305 00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:24,815 [turkey chirping] 306 00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:27,452 -[flapping and gobbling] -hm... 307 00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:29,387 [turkey flapping] 308 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:35,326 Pop: You have the most beautiful feathers. 309 00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:38,396 Regal, almost. 310 00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,665 And yet... 311 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,868 You can't even fly. 312 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,804 God can be cruel. 313 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:50,107 Plucking, oh, it's so barbaric! 314 00:11:52,446 --> 00:11:54,412 [electric razor buzzes] 315 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,747 I wonder... 316 00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:57,916 I wonder if I could use this. 317 00:11:57,918 --> 00:12:00,018 Hmm. Mm-hm. 318 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,689 Ah... 319 00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:08,359 Don't look at me like that. 320 00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:12,062 That's the way my wife used to look at me. 321 00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:22,039 Oh, you're too wild for this world, girl. 322 00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:23,841 Way too wild. 323 00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,577 Yeah, there you go. Beautiful. 324 00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:27,678 There, there, that's nice! 325 00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:29,280 [turkey chirping] 326 00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:31,982 -Come on, girl... You can't stay here. 327 00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:33,985 Come on, I don't want you here anymore. 328 00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:35,520 Go, go, get! 329 00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,188 -[turkey gobbling] -ahh! 330 00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:38,856 Go...! 331 00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:42,527 -[door slams] -[breathing heavily] 332 00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,528 I had to let you go. 333 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,400 Merry christmas, my lovely. 334 00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,369 [church bell tolling] 335 00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:56,808 Choir: ♪ joy to the world, the lord is come ♪ 336 00:12:56,943 --> 00:13:01,212 ♪ let earth receive her king ♪ 337 00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:05,817 ♪ let every heart prepare him room ♪ 338 00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,018 ♪ and heaven and nature sing ♪ 339 00:13:08,054 --> 00:13:10,021 ♪ and heaven and nature sing... ♪ 340 00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:14,559 ♪ and heaven and heaven and nature sing ♪ 341 00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:17,829 ♪ he rules the world with truth and grace... ♪ 342 00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:21,065 -Oh, hi! 343 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:23,968 ♪ 344 00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:25,503 -Mike... -Yeah? 345 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:26,838 -Is that girl pregnant? 346 00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:29,340 -What? 347 00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:34,178 No, I'm sure it's just a little bit of christmas weight. 348 00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:36,247 -What'd she eat? The baby jesus? 349 00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:37,548 -Shh! 350 00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:45,890 -Let us celebrate the virgin birth 351 00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:48,359 That changed the world. 352 00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:50,695 Let us gather in praise on the arrival 353 00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:54,298 Of an unexpected baby that gave us all life... 354 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:57,502 -I'm gonna friggin' kill him. 355 00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,504 Sister rose: The body of christ... 356 00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:02,240 Father garcia: ♪ a ray of hope ♪ 357 00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:05,943 ♪ flickers in the sky. ♪ 358 00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,412 Sister rose: The body of christ... 359 00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:11,949 Father garcia: ♪ a tiny star lights up way up high... ♪ 360 00:14:13,953 --> 00:14:16,787 -The body of christ... 361 00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:19,090 Adult mark (v.O.): Whatever was going on with mike 362 00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:21,025 Was making midnight mass feel like a funeral. 363 00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,493 -The body of christ... 364 00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:27,432 Father garcia: ♪ this comes to pass when a child is born... ♪ 365 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,170 -The body of christ. 366 00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:34,973 Father garcia: ♪ ...Sails the seven seas... ♪ 367 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,509 ♪ the winds of change... ♪ 368 00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:39,911 -Amen. 369 00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,580 -♪ whisper in the trees. ♪ 370 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:50,121 ♪ and the walls of doubt crumble, tossed and torn. ♪ 371 00:14:50,256 --> 00:14:52,189 -What the frig, mike? 372 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,857 I thought you told them about me. 373 00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:55,225 -I did... 374 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,796 Yeah, okay, I didn't, but... 375 00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,998 I was going to, I swear. 376 00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:02,600 -You're embarrassed of me, is that it? 377 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:03,868 -Oh, god, no. 378 00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:06,037 -Well, I'm embarrassed. 379 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:08,205 She's looking at me like I'm gonna steal her purse. 380 00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:12,010 -Come on, that's my mother. -And I'm your girlfriend. 381 00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:16,080 You wants me to stay that way, you can't be hiding me no more. 382 00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:18,182 Father garcia: ♪ all across the land ♪ 383 00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,616 ♪ dawns a brand-new... ♪ 384 00:15:19,653 --> 00:15:21,952 -Well, at least she put her coat back on. 385 00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:23,087 -Okay... 386 00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,355 -What's happening? 387 00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:28,025 -Nothing. None of your business. 388 00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:29,360 -What's going on? 389 00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:32,429 -Nothing. None of your business. 390 00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:44,241 Adult mark (v.O.): I'd never seen my brother pray before, 391 00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:46,711 But even I was throwing out a few hail mary's 392 00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,780 For him tonight . 393 00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:51,815 ♪ 394 00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:56,186 -That was a nice mass... 395 00:15:56,222 --> 00:15:57,922 -I am too young to be a grandmother! 396 00:15:58,057 --> 00:15:59,657 -I thought we raised you better than this. 397 00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:02,259 -Yeah, okay, okay. Look... Linda's having a baby. 398 00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,595 -Oh! A christmas miracle! The truth! 399 00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:05,830 -But it's not mine. 400 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,132 -Oh, thank god! Well, hang on-- 401 00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,401 -What are you doing with her if it's not yours? 402 00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:13,137 -Well, her ex was a jerk, he dumped her, 403 00:16:13,272 --> 00:16:14,872 And then we started dating, and... 404 00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,340 Look, I like her. 405 00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:19,143 She didn't even know that she was, you know, 406 00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,545 Until we went out. 407 00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:21,545 -Sneaky hussy! 408 00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,881 Mike jr: No, no, no. It's not like that. 409 00:16:23,917 --> 00:16:26,084 We're more friends than anything. 410 00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:27,218 Look, we haven't even-- 411 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,486 Mary: No, don't even say it! 412 00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:29,553 -Haven't what? 413 00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:32,223 -Never you mind! This is not your responsibility! 414 00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:34,559 -I'm not gonna dump her just 'cause she's pregnant. 415 00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:35,492 She needs me. 416 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,295 -She needs the child's father! 417 00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:39,297 -Look! [chuckles nervously] home! 418 00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,098 Oh, it's pretty with all the lights, mom. 419 00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:42,966 -Joseph wasn't jesus's real dad. 420 00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:45,302 What if mary dumped him, hmm? -Oh, I swear to god... 421 00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,038 -Have you lost your mind? 422 00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:49,240 Take a look at her! It's no virgin birth! 423 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:51,342 And I am not gonna be wiping the arse 424 00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:53,444 Of somebody else's youngster! You can forget that! 425 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:56,180 -[thud] -[turkey whimpers] 426 00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:58,315 -Good god. 427 00:16:58,317 --> 00:17:00,318 You killed dick. 428 00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:08,692 [wipers creaking] 429 00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:19,537 Adult mark (v.O.): I couldn't sleep 430 00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,138 After hosing down the driveway. 431 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:24,809 Sure, I could wait another few hours, but I was on a roll... 432 00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,677 [video game noises] 433 00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,946 -Oh, I've gotta get it... 434 00:17:28,982 --> 00:17:31,682 [video game noises] 435 00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:37,555 [tv static sound] 436 00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:40,524 [birds chirping] 437 00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:47,564 ["carol of the bells" playing] 438 00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,300 -Oh, no... 439 00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:55,073 [panicked murmuring] 440 00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:56,774 Mary: Mark? 441 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,910 Oh, merry christmas, honey! 442 00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:02,380 I know you've been waiting ages to play that thing! 443 00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:05,349 -Hey, no opening presents until everyone's up! 444 00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:06,684 Well, come on, hook it up! 445 00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,319 Let's see what all the fuss is about! 446 00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:11,189 Adult mark (v.O.): All I wanted for christmas now was a nap. 447 00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:12,924 -Maybe later...? 448 00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,392 -You don't like it? 449 00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,260 -No, I just... 450 00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:19,096 -The queen's christmas message is coming on. 451 00:18:19,231 --> 00:18:24,768 [orchestral music on tv] 452 00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:26,404 -Good god! 453 00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:27,471 Adult mark (v.O.): Left on all night, 454 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,941 The game had burned itself into the screen. 455 00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:31,943 -"high score... 456 00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,477 "mark"? 457 00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:35,479 Adult mark (v.O.): The evidence was as clear 458 00:18:35,481 --> 00:18:37,281 As the lines on the queen's face. 459 00:18:37,416 --> 00:18:38,949 -Uh, I've been playing it. 460 00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:41,285 At night. When you've been asleep. 461 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:44,221 -Do you know what it meant to be able to give you that this year? 462 00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:46,624 I was excited to watch you open it! 463 00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:48,458 -Well, I hope it was worth it! 464 00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:51,395 'cause you got the tv shagged up for good now! 465 00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:53,164 -I'm sorry. -God... 466 00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:54,565 Mark: I didn't-- 467 00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:58,035 -A video game with no television to play it. 468 00:18:58,104 --> 00:19:00,837 Ah! Well done, o henry. 469 00:19:00,874 --> 00:19:02,639 Adult mark (v.O.): My parents had worked hard 470 00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,575 To give me the one thing I wanted, 471 00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:07,444 And all I gave them in return was a busted television. 472 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,180 I had been selfish. 473 00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,514 I only thought of myself. 474 00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:14,451 I was... A scrooge. 475 00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:18,389 -Mmm! 476 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,190 Good god, that turkey's some tender. 477 00:19:20,226 --> 00:19:22,593 -Aw. -You know why? 478 00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,663 It's because she was loved. 479 00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:29,032 -Well, I think it's 'cause mom tenderized it. 480 00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:31,335 -Sucking up won't help you. 481 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:34,771 Mary: Mmm... 482 00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:38,475 -What's this? 483 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:41,078 -It's a christmas card. 484 00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:42,813 From linda. 485 00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:44,515 Adult mark (v.O.): The turkey had been replaced 486 00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:45,849 By an elephant in the room. 487 00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:48,819 -Can't we just have a nice supper? 488 00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:49,820 Just please? 489 00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:56,827 -Ow! Baby jesus! 490 00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:04,635 ...Baby jesus. 491 00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:09,673 [pop sighs] 492 00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:12,843 -Mom, dad... 493 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:15,913 I'm sorry. 494 00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:19,383 I acted like a dumb kid this christmas. 495 00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:20,684 You should return the game 496 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:24,121 And put the money towards getting the tv repaired. 497 00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:25,523 It's the right thing to do. 498 00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,758 -Very mature of you, son. 499 00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,398 We'll figure it out. 500 00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,003 We always do. 501 00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:44,842 ♪ 502 00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:46,610 -Here. 503 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:50,948 ♪ 504 00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:53,950 Adult mark (v.O.): Gifts can be fun. 505 00:20:53,952 --> 00:20:56,487 But christmas is about family. 506 00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:05,096 Those who aren't with us anymore... 507 00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:07,832 -Mmm... 508 00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:10,234 Adult mark (v.O.): And those who aren't here yet. 509 00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:11,369 Mike jr: This is it. 510 00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:13,370 The glorious world of radio. 511 00:21:16,709 --> 00:21:19,009 Adult mark (v.O.): It's the thought that counts. 512 00:21:19,045 --> 00:21:22,913 And sometimes, it's the only thing that matters. 513 00:21:22,982 --> 00:21:26,050 ♪ 514 00:21:26,052 --> 00:21:29,854 ♪ 515 00:21:29,856 --> 00:21:32,889 ♪ 516 00:21:32,925 --> 00:21:36,660 ♪ 517 00:21:36,729 --> 00:21:39,463 ♪ 518 00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:44,001 ♪ 519 00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:47,804 ♪