1
00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:03,735
[alarm clock blaring]
2
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:06,338
Adult mark (v.O.): As a kid,
there's no day more special
3
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:07,573
Than your birthday.
4
00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:08,941
Fourteen!
5
00:00:08,943 --> 00:00:11,810
I was a bona fide teenager
with one year's experience.
6
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:14,279
After 364 days
of nothing special,
7
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:15,847
This was my chance
8
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:19,485
To be the centre of attention
for the entire day.
9
00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:24,122
Fox: [sultry voice]
♪ happy birthday to you... ♪
10
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:28,259
♪ happy birthday,
mister criiiitch... ♪
11
00:00:28,295 --> 00:00:29,894
[wolf whistle from crowd]
12
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:34,233
Fox: ♪ happy birthday to you! ♪
13
00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:36,101
[applause]
14
00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:39,805
Crowd: [chanting]
mark, mark, mark, mark...!
15
00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:42,074
Mark, mark...
16
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:45,677
-Aw... That's my boy.
17
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,279
-That's no boy.
18
00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:48,680
That's a man!
19
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:51,250
[chanting and applause
continues]
20
00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:53,952
-Good morning!
The birthday boy is...
21
00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:56,421
Here?
22
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,090
Mike sr: Watch the door, now.
23
00:00:58,092 --> 00:01:00,225
Mark: Oh... Heh.
24
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,026
Mike sr: Where do you
want this, mary?
25
00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:04,229
Mary: Put it anywhere.
26
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:05,830
Well, not there!
27
00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:06,765
Move it over here.
28
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:07,999
[mike sr. Sighs]
29
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:09,701
Adult mark (v.O.):
Every spring, my family moved
30
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:12,237
Everything outside
so it could get some air on it.
31
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,173
-Pop! Will ya
get your feet off this?
32
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:15,307
-Why?
33
00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:17,175
The couch is dirtier
than my shoes.
34
00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:18,710
Mark: You might say...
35
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,746
That it's a pretty special...
Day?
36
00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:22,247
-Sure is, son.
37
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,583
Today's the day
we air out the house!
38
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,352
Now, go get your bedclothes
and put 'em on the picnic table.
39
00:01:27,354 --> 00:01:29,088
Adult mark (v.O.):
The love seat was getting
40
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:30,255
More attention than I was.
41
00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:32,858
Pop: Well, well, well!
42
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:37,562
Ooh, it looks like you got
something pretty big today, huh?
43
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:38,530
Hah...
44
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:41,400
A real...
Humdinger of a pimple!
45
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,702
-What?!
46
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,337
Adult mark (v.O.):
As if everyone forgetting
47
00:01:46,373 --> 00:01:47,539
My birthday wasn't bad enough,
48
00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,975
I'd sprouted
the mount vesuvius of zits.
49
00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:51,242
-No!
50
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,811
Adult mark (v.O.):
I could only hope
51
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:55,247
It would pop as easily
as my expectations.
52
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,616
[knock on door]
53
00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:58,750
-Occupied!
54
00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,986
Pop: Poland wasn't
occupied this long!
55
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,453
[banging on door]
56
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:03,555
Adult mark (v.O.): Concealer!
57
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,357
Happy birthday to me!
58
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,158
Pop: This bladder's
80 years old!
59
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,027
Adult mark (v.O.): This
was not as easy-breezy
60
00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:10,295
As in the commercials.
61
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,430
As soon as it went on,
it was washed off
62
00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:13,565
By floods of flop sweat!
63
00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:15,767
Nothing a little deodorant
wouldn't fix...
64
00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:20,071
-[knocking continues]
-pop: Oh, come on, lad!
65
00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,640
Oh, god!
66
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,108
Finally!
Go on, get out!
67
00:02:24,145 --> 00:02:25,777
You're in the splash zone.
68
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,646
-Oh, god.
69
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,247
-Ohh!
70
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:33,351
[indistinct chatter
and laughter]
71
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:41,126
-What's wrong with your face?
72
00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:42,527
Adult mark (v.O.): Everything!
73
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:44,596
-I don't know what you mean.
74
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,998
-You've got white gunk
on your forehead.
75
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:50,936
-Oh.
76
00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:52,404
Moisturizer.
77
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:55,440
You know, it's never too early
to take care of your skin.
78
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:58,977
Adult mark (v.O.):
The deodorant had dried,
79
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:00,812
Making it worse!
80
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,414
-Here.
81
00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:05,216
Happy birthday, nerd.
82
00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:06,685
-Thanks.
83
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,355
Exactly what I wanted.
84
00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:12,557
Middle fox:
Happy birthday, loser!
85
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,025
Adult mark (v.O.):
Getting "flakied."
86
00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:16,294
A long-held birthday tradition.
87
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,763
There was only
one thing worse...
88
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,231
-It's your birthday!
89
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,033
You know what that means...
90
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:22,767
-No...
91
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:23,702
Kids: One, two...
92
00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:25,203
Adult mark (v.O.): The bumps!
93
00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:27,005
One for every year of your life.
94
00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:28,673
Suddenly having
people forget my birthday
95
00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:30,642
Didn't seem like
such a bad thing.
96
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,213
Mr. Chafe: Happy birthday, mark!
97
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:36,581
-What?!
98
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:39,384
[counting continues]
99
00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:41,520
Mary: Did you see
the look on mark's face?
100
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,789
He thinks
we forgot his birthday!
101
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,291
Sin.
God, I love surprise parties!
102
00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:48,760
-Hey, I got the decorations.
103
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:51,096
I don't know if you wanted
neon green or neon orange,
104
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,497
So I got both.
105
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:55,267
-Good god! Is this a birthday
party or the coronation?
106
00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:56,934
-Shhh!
107
00:03:56,971 --> 00:03:58,903
Where are the party hats?
108
00:03:58,973 --> 00:04:00,138
-Shoot, you know what?
109
00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:01,473
Uh, I forgot to get 'em,
110
00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:03,875
But I can go and pick 'em up
when I grab linda.
111
00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,277
-Linda?
112
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,378
You're not going out on the town
on your brother's birthday?
113
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,314
-No, no, no,
she's coming to the party!
114
00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:11,015
-It's a family celebration.
115
00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,085
-I think what your mother
is trying to say
116
00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:17,055
Is that linda seems very nice,
but you shouldn't feel obligated
117
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:21,559
To stay with someone in trouble,
if you're not the one who...
118
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:22,961
Troubled them.
119
00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:24,563
-I already told you guys,
I'm not the father.
120
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,965
-Then stop playing
like you are!
121
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,433
-I'm not playing anything!
122
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,435
I'm not a kid, mom!
Okay?
123
00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:32,904
And my girlfriend
is coming to the party,
124
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:34,005
Or I'm not.
125
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:40,011
-Great job on "the talk."
126
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:47,886
-Whoa!
127
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:49,554
Dude, that is angry!
128
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,790
-I can't go back out like this.
I'm a monster!
129
00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:54,225
-Look, it's perfectly natural.
130
00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:56,395
Hormones,
they're raging inside of us.
131
00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:58,529
Next comes body hair,
132
00:04:58,565 --> 00:05:01,933
Then mood swings,
and, well....
133
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:02,801
You know.
134
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,336
Adult mark (v.O.):
I didn't know.
135
00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:05,737
-Yeah.
136
00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,205
Totally.
137
00:05:07,241 --> 00:05:08,473
-Oh, man...
138
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,208
You haven't had the talk yet?
139
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:11,410
My dad just gave it to me.
140
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,411
And dude, it was wild.
141
00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:15,013
Mr. Perez: As you become a man,
142
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:18,083
Your body changes
in the following ten ways,
143
00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:20,419
Five of which are disgusting,
144
00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:23,488
And two are terrifying.
145
00:05:25,326 --> 00:05:29,227
-[dramatic music]
-[slides switching]
146
00:05:29,263 --> 00:05:30,228
-Ugh!
147
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:31,296
[toilet flushes]
148
00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:32,764
Middle fox: Aw!
149
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,901
Did the wittle sooky
babies need the talk?
150
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,034
-So?
151
00:05:37,071 --> 00:05:39,604
How else are we supposed
to know about puberty?
152
00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:42,641
-I know all about
the lady's bits and bobs.
153
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,376
The here and there of, uh...
154
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:45,710
Them.
155
00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:47,579
Middle fox: Meet me
after school.
156
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:50,849
I'm gonna show you something
that'll blow your minds.
157
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:54,653
Mike jr: Alright, on three.
158
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,388
One, two, three!
159
00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:57,789
Pop: Okay, good.
160
00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:59,925
Bring it 'round here.
161
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,727
Good.
A bit more, a bit more.
162
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,428
Ah, good.
163
00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,797
Mike jr: What's this?
164
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:06,798
-What?
165
00:06:08,302 --> 00:06:11,536
Oh!
My goodness, yeah.
166
00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:13,738
Oh...
I thought these were long gone.
167
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:15,406
-She was pretty cute!
-Mm-hm.
168
00:06:15,442 --> 00:06:17,242
-Yeah, who is she?
169
00:06:17,311 --> 00:06:19,210
-Sister rose.
170
00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:20,345
-Gross.
171
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,947
-We must have been
about your age.
172
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:25,483
-What happened?
-I was a fool. Hm.
173
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,352
We let other people pressure us
174
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:31,156
Into walking away
from the ones we loved.
175
00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:36,361
-Your mom got to you, too, huh?
176
00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:38,764
-You follow your heart, son.
177
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,899
You don't want to end up
when you're 80,
178
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:44,369
Looking at old photographs
and wondering...
179
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,571
What might have been.
180
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:51,142
[poignant music]
181
00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:55,981
Adult mark (v.O.): Alone
in the woods with fox's brother,
182
00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:58,249
I couldn't help wondering
if this would turn out
183
00:06:58,285 --> 00:06:59,784
To be my last birthday.
184
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:03,855
[foliage rustling]
185
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:06,257
-Uh!
-Careful, it's dirty.
186
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:07,926
-It's got mud all over it.
187
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,528
-No, I mean
the good kinda dirty.
188
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:11,897
Adult mark (v.O.):
He was right.
189
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,531
It wasn't just
a dirty magazine...
190
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,800
It was a dirty magazine!
191
00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,269
-It's just a loaner.
192
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:19,070
Bring it back tomorrow.
193
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,473
-I-I can't take this home!
What if someone sees?
194
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:22,908
-I'll take it!
195
00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:25,544
-On the other hand,
I wouldn't wanna be rude...
196
00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:27,345
-Then don't look at page 5!
197
00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:29,080
[laughs]
198
00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:30,482
Happy birthday, kid.
199
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:31,950
[laughs]
200
00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:37,989
♪
201
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,963
-[sighs]
202
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:48,900
♪
203
00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:50,769
♪
204
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:52,436
Adult mark (v.O.):
My first nudie magazine!
205
00:07:52,473 --> 00:07:54,706
I couldn't wait to have
time to look through it--
206
00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:58,510
Purely for educational
purposes, of course.
207
00:07:58,512 --> 00:08:00,778
I needed the perfect
hiding place.
208
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:05,317
Under the mattress?
209
00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:07,184
Pop's water jug?
210
00:08:07,221 --> 00:08:08,252
No.
211
00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:11,723
Dean martin's french style.
212
00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:13,591
The raciest thing I owned!
213
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,326
Until now.
214
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,000
-[gasps]
-mark!
215
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,335
Adult mark (v.O.): Busted!
216
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,102
-I need to see you outside.
217
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,638
Now!
218
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,875
Adult mark (v.O.): My dad
hit the snooze button
219
00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,611
On my sexual awakening.
220
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:34,279
[music playing on radio]
221
00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:35,981
All: Surprise!
222
00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,482
Adult mark (v.O.):
I should have known
223
00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:39,184
My family wouldn't
forget my big day.
224
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,719
I could feel my heart
beating deep in my zit.
225
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:43,087
Mary: Happy birthday, mark!
226
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,256
Dick: Aw!
227
00:08:45,259 --> 00:08:46,491
I loves a birthday!
228
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,727
-You're burning
these burgers to a crisp!
229
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:51,329
I mean, look, they're burgers,
not joan of arc!
230
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:52,897
Here, turn this one over.
231
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:55,833
And this one here
is practically raw!
232
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:57,969
Mary: Oh, why don't
you have a seat, dear?
233
00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,371
-I don't mind helping.
-Oh, nonsense!
234
00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:02,107
What kind of hosts would we be
235
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:04,676
If we let the guests
set the table?
236
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,311
Adult mark (v.O.):
I should have been grateful.
237
00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:08,713
But for the first time,
I was more interested
238
00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:11,549
In birthday suits
than birthdays.
239
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:13,718
-Oh... Oh, that's a shame.
240
00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:15,853
I think we're
all out of, uh, napkins.
241
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,189
I'll go in and sort it out.
242
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,259
-[flames roar]
-mike sr: Good god!
243
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,595
-Gotta move this thing along!
I'm hungry!
244
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:26,063
Mary: So, linda!
How's... Your family?
245
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:28,533
Your mother, your father...?
246
00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:29,934
The father?
247
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,669
-Look, if you got
something to say,
248
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,471
Why don't you just
come out and say it?
249
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:34,538
-You want to talk?
250
00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:35,974
Okay...
251
00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:38,643
You are too young
to be getting this serious!
252
00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:40,979
She-- they--
253
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:42,947
Are not your responsibility!
254
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,348
-That's none of your business!
255
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:45,950
-Oh, it is so my business,
256
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:47,952
Because you live in my house,
don't you?
257
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:51,489
-She's got you there, b'y.
258
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:52,690
-Pop understands!
259
00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:54,092
He said I should
follow my heart!
260
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:57,228
-You did what?
-Oh, come on.
261
00:09:57,264 --> 00:10:00,031
I mean, it wasn't that long ago
when you were in their shoes.
262
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:02,233
I mean,
I was against it at the time,
263
00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,035
But everything
turned out just fine.
264
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:05,870
Where is mark
with those napkins?
265
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,172
-Oh, this is rich.
266
00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:09,507
You've been looking down
your nose at me this whole time,
267
00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:10,909
And we're the same,
me and you.
268
00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:12,610
Mike sr: No, no, no.
We got married.
269
00:10:12,745 --> 00:10:13,912
-Eventually.
270
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:15,913
-You two...
That means that I-I'm...
271
00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:17,415
Pop: A bastard, yes.
272
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,117
-Mike, ya old dog, you!
273
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:21,019
-Mind your own
damn business, dick!
274
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,387
-You two are total hypocrites!
275
00:10:23,389 --> 00:10:25,857
You don't get to talk about
me and linda, ever!
276
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:27,592
-We're just looking out for you.
277
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:28,859
-That's right.
278
00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:30,528
You're still young.
279
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:34,532
You can travel,
you can do things, have a life!
280
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:38,736
We don't want you to make
the same mistakes we made.
281
00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:41,038
-Mistakes?
282
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,276
[thunder rumbling]
283
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:46,911
-Oh, hey! Rain!
284
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:48,113
-Ohh! Oh!
-Oh my god!
285
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:48,947
Grab the cake!
286
00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,282
Mary: God, my hair!
287
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:54,852
Pop: Quick, quick,
save me some icing!
288
00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:59,290
-Happy birthday to me!
289
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:07,565
All: ♪ happy birthday to-- ♪
290
00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:09,668
-Uh, uh...
291
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,704
-What the flying friggity frig?!
292
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,305
Will you look at that?
293
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:15,140
Don't look at it!
294
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:16,875
Look at it
without looking at it!
295
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,243
Mark: I just wanna say,
I'm as shocked as you are!
296
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,146
I've never seen that!
I just-- I just--
297
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,415
Pop: I'm not even old enough
to look at this. [laughs]
298
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,750
-Hey, hey, I told you
to stay out of my room!
299
00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:27,285
-I didn't go in your room!
300
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:28,853
-What?
-What?
301
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:31,055
-False alarm.
302
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,892
Mary: My god, everyone
in this house is perverted!
303
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:36,795
Mike jr: Yeah,
you can say that again.
304
00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:37,996
-That's it.
305
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,131
Mike!
It is time for the talk.
306
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:43,034
-Oh...
-No, anything but the talk!
307
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,937
Pop: Heh! Too late for
the talk after this.
308
00:11:46,072 --> 00:11:48,373
No, I mean,
it couldn't be any clearer,
309
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:51,209
Unless, of course,
it was a pop-up book.
310
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,311
-This is neither the time
nor place for this.
311
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:56,080
Mary: You never gave
that one the talk.
312
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:57,615
And look how he turned out.
313
00:11:57,751 --> 00:12:01,219
-I think he
turned out just fine.
314
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,221
Mary: Well, if you don't mind,
315
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,156
This is a family discussion.
316
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:07,358
Pop: Disgusting.
317
00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:08,459
Mike sr: Mary...
318
00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:10,562
Pop: Really disgusting.
319
00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:12,596
-Wha-- what are you...
320
00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:15,099
-Oh...
Wow.
321
00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:17,836
Uh, yeah,
I'll hang onto this.
322
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,637
Just in case.
323
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,005
Adult mark (v.O.):
Just what I needed.
324
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,708
A sex talk from a man
who sleeps in a twin bed.
325
00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:26,111
-You're getting older now,
326
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,646
And there's a lot going on.
327
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:31,448
Everything's all...
328
00:12:31,485 --> 00:12:33,651
Upset.
329
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:37,321
Your body is like a...
330
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,590
Kettle.
331
00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:43,027
And it heats to a certain point,
and then it sort of...
332
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:45,263
Goes off.
333
00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:47,031
But you can't.
334
00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:50,868
Any questions?
335
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,670
-Hm.
336
00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:54,205
-Good.
337
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,540
Tell your mother I just told ya
a bunch of stuff, alright?
338
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:58,042
Now, go on.
339
00:12:58,044 --> 00:12:59,844
Mary: Do I have to
do everything?
340
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:01,346
Sit!
341
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,214
This is a boy.
This is a girl.
342
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:05,283
Adult mark (v.O.): I don't
remember what she said,
343
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:07,151
Or even what the orange
was for.
344
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:10,021
I just longed to go back
to when I was 13--
345
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:13,490
Young and naive,
and still able to eat fruit.
346
00:13:13,527 --> 00:13:16,828
-Mike, go toss that pornography
into the trash.
347
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,563
-Oh, no, you can't throw it out!
348
00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:19,897
Fox's brother'll kill me!
349
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:23,300
-A-ha!
So that's who gave it to you!
350
00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:24,768
-No!
351
00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:27,004
Dad...!
352
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:29,374
Mary: That's right, suzanne!
353
00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:32,177
Your son brought
a dirty magazine to school.
354
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,978
Oh, you bet your arse
355
00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:37,382
The principal's gonna
hear about this!
356
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:38,449
[school bell rings]
357
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:39,984
Adult mark (v.O.):
On the bright side,
358
00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:42,386
Sister rose couldn't punish me.
359
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:44,389
You can't punish the dead.
360
00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:46,057
-What the frig
were you thinking,
361
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:47,458
Showing your ma that skin mag?
362
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,994
-I didn't do it on purpose!
She just found it!
363
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,030
-I knew I shouldn't
have given it to a baby.
364
00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,064
-No! Just--
365
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,834
-Hey, what was that?
-Uh, um--
366
00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:58,469
-What?
367
00:13:58,538 --> 00:13:59,470
-Just...
368
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,907
-You're so weird sometimes.
369
00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:04,275
-What?
370
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:06,710
Adult mark (v.O.): How could I
tell fox I liked her?
371
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:09,347
She was about to find out
I was a pervert!
372
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:12,216
Sister rose: It has
come to my attention
373
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:16,487
That some of you have been
reading disgusting...
374
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:18,823
Literature.
375
00:14:18,958 --> 00:14:20,724
Pornography.
376
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,494
The devil's atlas.
377
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:24,629
-Sick.
378
00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:25,897
-It certainly is.
379
00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:28,099
Adult mark (v.O.): I prayed
for the earth to open
380
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,034
And drag me to hell
right then and there.
381
00:14:30,169 --> 00:14:31,970
Sister rose: Sexual immorality.
382
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:36,441
I won't say who it was,
but I was equally...
383
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:42,446
Shocked and not surprised.
384
00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:50,254
So, you will all be having
a special lesson today...
385
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:54,325
On sexual education.
386
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,860
Fox: We're watching a porno?
387
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:57,261
[laughter]
388
00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,830
Sister rose: It's natural
to be curious.
389
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:03,134
Adam and eve were curious.
390
00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:07,338
And that curiosity led to shame.
391
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:12,443
Let that shame fuel
today's lesson, children.
392
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,979
Now, the girls,
please follow me.
393
00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:19,150
-What about the boys?
394
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:23,554
Sister rose: Father garcia
will be talking with you.
395
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,589
God help us all.
396
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,759
-Sister.
397
00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:29,760
I know what you're thinking.
398
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:33,130
"what could father garcia
possibly know about sex?"
399
00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:36,968
Well, I wasn't
always a priest, nah!
400
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:41,306
In fact, this one time I met
this wild gal named gloria
401
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:45,109
Back when I was travelling
through barth-e-lona.
402
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:47,478
Oh, yeah.
[chuckles]
403
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,714
She taught me more than
just how to order a "cervesa,"
404
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:51,849
If you know what I mean.
405
00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:55,319
[chuckles]
ah...
406
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,822
The two became one flesh...
407
00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:59,323
A bunch of times that week.
408
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:02,927
Wow. Anyway,
what I'm trying to say is...
409
00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:06,030
I know a thing or two
about hormones!
410
00:16:06,032 --> 00:16:07,331
Adult mark (v.O.): Great.
Even the priest
411
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,467
Knew more about girls
than I did.
412
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:12,069
Three sex talks and I still
didn't know anything!
413
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:18,810
-Oh!
414
00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:23,180
My god, it smells fresher
in here than it does outside.
415
00:16:23,249 --> 00:16:25,817
Wouldn't you say, mike?
416
00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:27,084
Mike...?
417
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:32,189
Enough of the silent treatment.
What is going on?
418
00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:40,564
-I know young mike
is making a mistake.
419
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,834
I just didn't know you thought
that we were a mistake.
420
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,770
-What are you on about?
421
00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:48,172
Of course we were a mistake.
422
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,107
Best mistake I ever made.
423
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:54,779
-[chuckles]
424
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:58,516
Did you see the way
she stood up for mike?
425
00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:01,385
-"I think he turned out
just fine!"
426
00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:05,923
Seems like it was just yesterday
that was you and me.
427
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:07,458
Remember when
we were their age...
428
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:08,392
[gasps]
429
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:11,128
Oh, the things we got up to!
430
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:12,263
[giggles]
431
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,000
-Oh, ew!
432
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:18,903
-And here comes
a constant reminder.
433
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,270
-I'm, uh,
gonna drive linda home.
434
00:17:20,306 --> 00:17:21,639
-The hell you will!
435
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:23,875
-Mary, honey,
just give it a rest, eh?
436
00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:25,910
-I will not.
437
00:17:25,979 --> 00:17:27,378
You know the rules.
438
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,947
Everyone in the family has to
clean up after themselves.
439
00:17:29,983 --> 00:17:33,918
And seeing as you're in
no condition to carry furniture,
440
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,554
It's a good thing that there's
a sink full of dirty dishes
441
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:39,256
Over there that need to be done.
442
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:40,892
Go on, the both of ya.
443
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,827
♪
444
00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:45,696
♪
445
00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:48,566
[both chuckle]
446
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:53,237
Adult mark (v.O.): Another year
older, but no closer to love.
447
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:56,040
-Why is it so hard
to tell somebody...
448
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:58,142
-Huh?
-A girl, that you like her?
449
00:17:58,278 --> 00:18:00,278
-Oh, uh...
450
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,114
Love is complicated.
451
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,549
Sex?
452
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:09,320
Sex, you can read about that
in any book, but...
453
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:12,323
Matters of the heart,
454
00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:15,192
They will forever
remain a mystery.
455
00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:24,368
You see...
456
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:28,406
When a man and a woman
like each other very much,
457
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:31,142
Or they've been drinking--
458
00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:33,211
-Pop!
Eugh, not another "talk"!
459
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:34,411
-Look, do you want my advice?
460
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,647
-No!
-Quit worrying.
461
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:38,616
You'll figure it out
when the time comes.
462
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:42,286
Like your dad did, and me,
and my father before me.
463
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:45,389
In the meantime...
464
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,891
Happy belated birthday.
465
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:49,360
-Oh.
-Mm-hm.
466
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:50,527
-Thanks, pop.
467
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,300
You can never have enough pens.
468
00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:59,436
-Ah! It's not just any pen.
469
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:02,306
This is an education.
470
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,576
Turn it upside down.
471
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:15,119
[inspiring music]
472
00:19:15,254 --> 00:19:17,188
Heh...
473
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:19,190
That's just on loan, yeah?
474
00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:21,926
♪
475
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:23,594
Adult mark (v.O.):
There are some things
476
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:24,795
You can't learn in school.
477
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:28,666
You'll learn them
when you're ready.
478
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,535
The way nature intended.
479
00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:35,539
-Looking at my dad's
skin mags with my brother?
480
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:39,310
You're a total perv, critch.
481
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:42,079
Adult mark (v.O.):
By being mortified.
482
00:19:42,115 --> 00:19:43,880
Secrets are funny things.
483
00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:46,016
They can bring you closer
to the ones you love...
484
00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:47,552
-[laughs]
I remember that!
485
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,588
Adult mark (v.O.):
They can also keep you apart.
486
00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:52,823
But the weight of
carrying secrets lightens
487
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:54,492
When you share them.
488
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:56,360
Sister rose: What's this?
489
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,229
-Memories.
490
00:19:58,364 --> 00:19:59,863
I thought they were lost.
491
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:04,501
Ah...
492
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,670
[sister rose laughs]
493
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:09,340
Oh, that was a long time ago.
494
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,776
Pop: Seems like yesterday.
495
00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:13,077
-[sighs]
496
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,046
-Look, I...
[clears throat]
497
00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:18,048
I know I left you high and dry
all those years ago,
498
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:21,785
But I just want you know
that there hasn't been a day
499
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:24,588
That's gone by when
I haven't thought about you.
500
00:20:26,192 --> 00:20:28,993
-[sighs]
501
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,661
God has a plan.
502
00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:31,595
-Hm.
503
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:34,732
-I think things
turned out for the best.
504
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:39,870
[poignant music]
505
00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:43,140
♪
506
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:44,741
[exhales]
507
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:49,480
♪
508
00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:50,881
[sighs]
509
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:56,086
♪
510
00:20:56,122 --> 00:20:58,155
Adult mark (v.O.):
It's good to ask questions.
511
00:20:58,157 --> 00:21:00,224
It's good to clear the air.
512
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:03,094
♪
513
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:06,697
♪
514
00:21:06,832 --> 00:21:09,433
♪
515
00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:10,901
Adult mark (v.O.):
But some things
516
00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:13,304
Should always remain private.
517
00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:17,174
♪
518
00:21:17,243 --> 00:21:19,643
♪
519
00:21:19,646 --> 00:21:21,044
[door shuts and locks]
520
00:21:23,049 --> 00:21:26,917
♪
521
00:21:26,953 --> 00:21:31,254
♪
522
00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:37,595
♪
523
00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:40,364
♪