1 00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:03,735 [alarm clock blaring] 2 00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:06,338 Adult mark (v.O.): As a kid, there's no day more special 3 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:07,573 Than your birthday. 4 00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:08,941 Fourteen! 5 00:00:08,943 --> 00:00:11,810 I was a bona fide teenager with one year's experience. 6 00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:14,279 After 364 days of nothing special, 7 00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:15,847 This was my chance 8 00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:19,485 To be the centre of attention for the entire day. 9 00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:24,122 Fox: [sultry voice] ♪ happy birthday to you... ♪ 10 00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:28,259 ♪ happy birthday, mister criiiitch... ♪ 11 00:00:28,295 --> 00:00:29,894 [wolf whistle from crowd] 12 00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:34,233 Fox: ♪ happy birthday to you! ♪ 13 00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:36,101 [applause] 14 00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:39,805 Crowd: [chanting] mark, mark, mark, mark...! 15 00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:42,074 Mark, mark... 16 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:45,677 -Aw... That's my boy. 17 00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,279 -That's no boy. 18 00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:48,680 That's a man! 19 00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:51,250 [chanting and applause continues] 20 00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:53,952 -Good morning! The birthday boy is... 21 00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:56,421 Here? 22 00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,090 Mike sr: Watch the door, now. 23 00:00:58,092 --> 00:01:00,225 Mark: Oh... Heh. 24 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,026 Mike sr: Where do you want this, mary? 25 00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:04,229 Mary: Put it anywhere. 26 00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:05,830 Well, not there! 27 00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:06,765 Move it over here. 28 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:07,999 [mike sr. Sighs] 29 00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:09,701 Adult mark (v.O.): Every spring, my family moved 30 00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:12,237 Everything outside so it could get some air on it. 31 00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,173 -Pop! Will ya get your feet off this? 32 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:15,307 -Why? 33 00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:17,175 The couch is dirtier than my shoes. 34 00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:18,710 Mark: You might say... 35 00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,746 That it's a pretty special... Day? 36 00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:22,247 -Sure is, son. 37 00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,583 Today's the day we air out the house! 38 00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,352 Now, go get your bedclothes and put 'em on the picnic table. 39 00:01:27,354 --> 00:01:29,088 Adult mark (v.O.): The love seat was getting 40 00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:30,255 More attention than I was. 41 00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:32,858 Pop: Well, well, well! 42 00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:37,562 Ooh, it looks like you got something pretty big today, huh? 43 00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:38,530 Hah... 44 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:41,400 A real... Humdinger of a pimple! 45 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,702 -What?! 46 00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,337 Adult mark (v.O.): As if everyone forgetting 47 00:01:46,373 --> 00:01:47,539 My birthday wasn't bad enough, 48 00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,975 I'd sprouted the mount vesuvius of zits. 49 00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:51,242 -No! 50 00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,811 Adult mark (v.O.): I could only hope 51 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:55,247 It would pop as easily as my expectations. 52 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,616 [knock on door] 53 00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:58,750 -Occupied! 54 00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,986 Pop: Poland wasn't occupied this long! 55 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,453 [banging on door] 56 00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:03,555 Adult mark (v.O.): Concealer! 57 00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,357 Happy birthday to me! 58 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,158 Pop: This bladder's 80 years old! 59 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,027 Adult mark (v.O.): This was not as easy-breezy 60 00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:10,295 As in the commercials. 61 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,430 As soon as it went on, it was washed off 62 00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:13,565 By floods of flop sweat! 63 00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:15,767 Nothing a little deodorant wouldn't fix... 64 00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:20,071 -[knocking continues] -pop: Oh, come on, lad! 65 00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,640 Oh, god! 66 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,108 Finally! Go on, get out! 67 00:02:24,145 --> 00:02:25,777 You're in the splash zone. 68 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,646 -Oh, god. 69 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,247 -Ohh! 70 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:33,351 [indistinct chatter and laughter] 71 00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:41,126 -What's wrong with your face? 72 00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:42,527 Adult mark (v.O.): Everything! 73 00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:44,596 -I don't know what you mean. 74 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,998 -You've got white gunk on your forehead. 75 00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:50,936 -Oh. 76 00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:52,404 Moisturizer. 77 00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:55,440 You know, it's never too early to take care of your skin. 78 00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:58,977 Adult mark (v.O.): The deodorant had dried, 79 00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:00,812 Making it worse! 80 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,414 -Here. 81 00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:05,216 Happy birthday, nerd. 82 00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:06,685 -Thanks. 83 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,355 Exactly what I wanted. 84 00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:12,557 Middle fox: Happy birthday, loser! 85 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,025 Adult mark (v.O.): Getting "flakied." 86 00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:16,294 A long-held birthday tradition. 87 00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,763 There was only one thing worse... 88 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,231 -It's your birthday! 89 00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,033 You know what that means... 90 00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:22,767 -No... 91 00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:23,702 Kids: One, two... 92 00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:25,203 Adult mark (v.O.): The bumps! 93 00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:27,005 One for every year of your life. 94 00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:28,673 Suddenly having people forget my birthday 95 00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:30,642 Didn't seem like such a bad thing. 96 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,213 Mr. Chafe: Happy birthday, mark! 97 00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:36,581 -What?! 98 00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:39,384 [counting continues] 99 00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:41,520 Mary: Did you see the look on mark's face? 100 00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,789 He thinks we forgot his birthday! 101 00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,291 Sin. God, I love surprise parties! 102 00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:48,760 -Hey, I got the decorations. 103 00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:51,096 I don't know if you wanted neon green or neon orange, 104 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,497 So I got both. 105 00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:55,267 -Good god! Is this a birthday party or the coronation? 106 00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:56,934 -Shhh! 107 00:03:56,971 --> 00:03:58,903 Where are the party hats? 108 00:03:58,973 --> 00:04:00,138 -Shoot, you know what? 109 00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:01,473 Uh, I forgot to get 'em, 110 00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:03,875 But I can go and pick 'em up when I grab linda. 111 00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,277 -Linda? 112 00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,378 You're not going out on the town on your brother's birthday? 113 00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,314 -No, no, no, she's coming to the party! 114 00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:11,015 -It's a family celebration. 115 00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,085 -I think what your mother is trying to say 116 00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:17,055 Is that linda seems very nice, but you shouldn't feel obligated 117 00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:21,559 To stay with someone in trouble, if you're not the one who... 118 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:22,961 Troubled them. 119 00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:24,563 -I already told you guys, I'm not the father. 120 00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,965 -Then stop playing like you are! 121 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,433 -I'm not playing anything! 122 00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,435 I'm not a kid, mom! Okay? 123 00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:32,904 And my girlfriend is coming to the party, 124 00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:34,005 Or I'm not. 125 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:40,011 -Great job on "the talk." 126 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:47,886 -Whoa! 127 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:49,554 Dude, that is angry! 128 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,790 -I can't go back out like this. I'm a monster! 129 00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:54,225 -Look, it's perfectly natural. 130 00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:56,395 Hormones, they're raging inside of us. 131 00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:58,529 Next comes body hair, 132 00:04:58,565 --> 00:05:01,933 Then mood swings, and, well.... 133 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:02,801 You know. 134 00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,336 Adult mark (v.O.): I didn't know. 135 00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:05,737 -Yeah. 136 00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,205 Totally. 137 00:05:07,241 --> 00:05:08,473 -Oh, man... 138 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,208 You haven't had the talk yet? 139 00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:11,410 My dad just gave it to me. 140 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,411 And dude, it was wild. 141 00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:15,013 Mr. Perez: As you become a man, 142 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:18,083 Your body changes in the following ten ways, 143 00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:20,419 Five of which are disgusting, 144 00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:23,488 And two are terrifying. 145 00:05:25,326 --> 00:05:29,227 -[dramatic music] -[slides switching] 146 00:05:29,263 --> 00:05:30,228 -Ugh! 147 00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:31,296 [toilet flushes] 148 00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:32,764 Middle fox: Aw! 149 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,901 Did the wittle sooky babies need the talk? 150 00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,034 -So? 151 00:05:37,071 --> 00:05:39,604 How else are we supposed to know about puberty? 152 00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:42,641 -I know all about the lady's bits and bobs. 153 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,376 The here and there of, uh... 154 00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:45,710 Them. 155 00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:47,579 Middle fox: Meet me after school. 156 00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:50,849 I'm gonna show you something that'll blow your minds. 157 00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:54,653 Mike jr: Alright, on three. 158 00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,388 One, two, three! 159 00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:57,789 Pop: Okay, good. 160 00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:59,925 Bring it 'round here. 161 00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,727 Good. A bit more, a bit more. 162 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,428 Ah, good. 163 00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,797 Mike jr: What's this? 164 00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:06,798 -What? 165 00:06:08,302 --> 00:06:11,536 Oh! My goodness, yeah. 166 00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:13,738 Oh... I thought these were long gone. 167 00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:15,406 -She was pretty cute! -Mm-hm. 168 00:06:15,442 --> 00:06:17,242 -Yeah, who is she? 169 00:06:17,311 --> 00:06:19,210 -Sister rose. 170 00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:20,345 -Gross. 171 00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,947 -We must have been about your age. 172 00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:25,483 -What happened? -I was a fool. Hm. 173 00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,352 We let other people pressure us 174 00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:31,156 Into walking away from the ones we loved. 175 00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:36,361 -Your mom got to you, too, huh? 176 00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:38,764 -You follow your heart, son. 177 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,899 You don't want to end up when you're 80, 178 00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:44,369 Looking at old photographs and wondering... 179 00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,571 What might have been. 180 00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:51,142 [poignant music] 181 00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:55,981 Adult mark (v.O.): Alone in the woods with fox's brother, 182 00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:58,249 I couldn't help wondering if this would turn out 183 00:06:58,285 --> 00:06:59,784 To be my last birthday. 184 00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:03,855 [foliage rustling] 185 00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:06,257 -Uh! -Careful, it's dirty. 186 00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:07,926 -It's got mud all over it. 187 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,528 -No, I mean the good kinda dirty. 188 00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:11,897 Adult mark (v.O.): He was right. 189 00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,531 It wasn't just a dirty magazine... 190 00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,800 It was a dirty magazine! 191 00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,269 -It's just a loaner. 192 00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:19,070 Bring it back tomorrow. 193 00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,473 -I-I can't take this home! What if someone sees? 194 00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:22,908 -I'll take it! 195 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:25,544 -On the other hand, I wouldn't wanna be rude... 196 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:27,345 -Then don't look at page 5! 197 00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:29,080 [laughs] 198 00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:30,482 Happy birthday, kid. 199 00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:31,950 [laughs] 200 00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:37,989 ♪ 201 00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,963 -[sighs] 202 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:48,900 ♪ 203 00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:50,769 ♪ 204 00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:52,436 Adult mark (v.O.): My first nudie magazine! 205 00:07:52,473 --> 00:07:54,706 I couldn't wait to have time to look through it-- 206 00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:58,510 Purely for educational purposes, of course. 207 00:07:58,512 --> 00:08:00,778 I needed the perfect hiding place. 208 00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:05,317 Under the mattress? 209 00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:07,184 Pop's water jug? 210 00:08:07,221 --> 00:08:08,252 No. 211 00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:11,723 Dean martin's french style. 212 00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:13,591 The raciest thing I owned! 213 00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,326 Until now. 214 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,000 -[gasps] -mark! 215 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,335 Adult mark (v.O.): Busted! 216 00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,102 -I need to see you outside. 217 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,638 Now! 218 00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,875 Adult mark (v.O.): My dad hit the snooze button 219 00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,611 On my sexual awakening. 220 00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:34,279 [music playing on radio] 221 00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:35,981 All: Surprise! 222 00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,482 Adult mark (v.O.): I should have known 223 00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:39,184 My family wouldn't forget my big day. 224 00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,719 I could feel my heart beating deep in my zit. 225 00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:43,087 Mary: Happy birthday, mark! 226 00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,256 Dick: Aw! 227 00:08:45,259 --> 00:08:46,491 I loves a birthday! 228 00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,727 -You're burning these burgers to a crisp! 229 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:51,329 I mean, look, they're burgers, not joan of arc! 230 00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:52,897 Here, turn this one over. 231 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:55,833 And this one here is practically raw! 232 00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:57,969 Mary: Oh, why don't you have a seat, dear? 233 00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,371 -I don't mind helping. -Oh, nonsense! 234 00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:02,107 What kind of hosts would we be 235 00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:04,676 If we let the guests set the table? 236 00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,311 Adult mark (v.O.): I should have been grateful. 237 00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:08,713 But for the first time, I was more interested 238 00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:11,549 In birthday suits than birthdays. 239 00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:13,718 -Oh... Oh, that's a shame. 240 00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:15,853 I think we're all out of, uh, napkins. 241 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,189 I'll go in and sort it out. 242 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,259 -[flames roar] -mike sr: Good god! 243 00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,595 -Gotta move this thing along! I'm hungry! 244 00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:26,063 Mary: So, linda! How's... Your family? 245 00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:28,533 Your mother, your father...? 246 00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:29,934 The father? 247 00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,669 -Look, if you got something to say, 248 00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,471 Why don't you just come out and say it? 249 00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:34,538 -You want to talk? 250 00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:35,974 Okay... 251 00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:38,643 You are too young to be getting this serious! 252 00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:40,979 She-- they-- 253 00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:42,947 Are not your responsibility! 254 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,348 -That's none of your business! 255 00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:45,950 -Oh, it is so my business, 256 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:47,952 Because you live in my house, don't you? 257 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:51,489 -She's got you there, b'y. 258 00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:52,690 -Pop understands! 259 00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:54,092 He said I should follow my heart! 260 00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:57,228 -You did what? -Oh, come on. 261 00:09:57,264 --> 00:10:00,031 I mean, it wasn't that long ago when you were in their shoes. 262 00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:02,233 I mean, I was against it at the time, 263 00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,035 But everything turned out just fine. 264 00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:05,870 Where is mark with those napkins? 265 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,172 -Oh, this is rich. 266 00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:09,507 You've been looking down your nose at me this whole time, 267 00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:10,909 And we're the same, me and you. 268 00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:12,610 Mike sr: No, no, no. We got married. 269 00:10:12,745 --> 00:10:13,912 -Eventually. 270 00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:15,913 -You two... That means that I-I'm... 271 00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:17,415 Pop: A bastard, yes. 272 00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,117 -Mike, ya old dog, you! 273 00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:21,019 -Mind your own damn business, dick! 274 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,387 -You two are total hypocrites! 275 00:10:23,389 --> 00:10:25,857 You don't get to talk about me and linda, ever! 276 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:27,592 -We're just looking out for you. 277 00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:28,859 -That's right. 278 00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:30,528 You're still young. 279 00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:34,532 You can travel, you can do things, have a life! 280 00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:38,736 We don't want you to make the same mistakes we made. 281 00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:41,038 -Mistakes? 282 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,276 [thunder rumbling] 283 00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:46,911 -Oh, hey! Rain! 284 00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:48,113 -Ohh! Oh! -Oh my god! 285 00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:48,947 Grab the cake! 286 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,282 Mary: God, my hair! 287 00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:54,852 Pop: Quick, quick, save me some icing! 288 00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:59,290 -Happy birthday to me! 289 00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:07,565 All: ♪ happy birthday to-- ♪ 290 00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:09,668 -Uh, uh... 291 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,704 -What the flying friggity frig?! 292 00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,305 Will you look at that? 293 00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:15,140 Don't look at it! 294 00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:16,875 Look at it without looking at it! 295 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,243 Mark: I just wanna say, I'm as shocked as you are! 296 00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,146 I've never seen that! I just-- I just-- 297 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,415 Pop: I'm not even old enough to look at this. [laughs] 298 00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,750 -Hey, hey, I told you to stay out of my room! 299 00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:27,285 -I didn't go in your room! 300 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:28,853 -What? -What? 301 00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:31,055 -False alarm. 302 00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,892 Mary: My god, everyone in this house is perverted! 303 00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:36,795 Mike jr: Yeah, you can say that again. 304 00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:37,996 -That's it. 305 00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,131 Mike! It is time for the talk. 306 00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:43,034 -Oh... -No, anything but the talk! 307 00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,937 Pop: Heh! Too late for the talk after this. 308 00:11:46,072 --> 00:11:48,373 No, I mean, it couldn't be any clearer, 309 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:51,209 Unless, of course, it was a pop-up book. 310 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,311 -This is neither the time nor place for this. 311 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:56,080 Mary: You never gave that one the talk. 312 00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:57,615 And look how he turned out. 313 00:11:57,751 --> 00:12:01,219 -I think he turned out just fine. 314 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,221 Mary: Well, if you don't mind, 315 00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,156 This is a family discussion. 316 00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:07,358 Pop: Disgusting. 317 00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:08,459 Mike sr: Mary... 318 00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:10,562 Pop: Really disgusting. 319 00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:12,596 -Wha-- what are you... 320 00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:15,099 -Oh... Wow. 321 00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:17,836 Uh, yeah, I'll hang onto this. 322 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,637 Just in case. 323 00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,005 Adult mark (v.O.): Just what I needed. 324 00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,708 A sex talk from a man who sleeps in a twin bed. 325 00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:26,111 -You're getting older now, 326 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,646 And there's a lot going on. 327 00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:31,448 Everything's all... 328 00:12:31,485 --> 00:12:33,651 Upset. 329 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:37,321 Your body is like a... 330 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,590 Kettle. 331 00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:43,027 And it heats to a certain point, and then it sort of... 332 00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:45,263 Goes off. 333 00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:47,031 But you can't. 334 00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:50,868 Any questions? 335 00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,670 -Hm. 336 00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:54,205 -Good. 337 00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,540 Tell your mother I just told ya a bunch of stuff, alright? 338 00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:58,042 Now, go on. 339 00:12:58,044 --> 00:12:59,844 Mary: Do I have to do everything? 340 00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:01,346 Sit! 341 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,214 This is a boy. This is a girl. 342 00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:05,283 Adult mark (v.O.): I don't remember what she said, 343 00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:07,151 Or even what the orange was for. 344 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:10,021 I just longed to go back to when I was 13-- 345 00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:13,490 Young and naive, and still able to eat fruit. 346 00:13:13,527 --> 00:13:16,828 -Mike, go toss that pornography into the trash. 347 00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,563 -Oh, no, you can't throw it out! 348 00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:19,897 Fox's brother'll kill me! 349 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:23,300 -A-ha! So that's who gave it to you! 350 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:24,768 -No! 351 00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:27,004 Dad...! 352 00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:29,374 Mary: That's right, suzanne! 353 00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:32,177 Your son brought a dirty magazine to school. 354 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,978 Oh, you bet your arse 355 00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:37,382 The principal's gonna hear about this! 356 00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:38,449 [school bell rings] 357 00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:39,984 Adult mark (v.O.): On the bright side, 358 00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:42,386 Sister rose couldn't punish me. 359 00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:44,389 You can't punish the dead. 360 00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:46,057 -What the frig were you thinking, 361 00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:47,458 Showing your ma that skin mag? 362 00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,994 -I didn't do it on purpose! She just found it! 363 00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,030 -I knew I shouldn't have given it to a baby. 364 00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,064 -No! Just-- 365 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,834 -Hey, what was that? -Uh, um-- 366 00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:58,469 -What? 367 00:13:58,538 --> 00:13:59,470 -Just... 368 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,907 -You're so weird sometimes. 369 00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:04,275 -What? 370 00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:06,710 Adult mark (v.O.): How could I tell fox I liked her? 371 00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:09,347 She was about to find out I was a pervert! 372 00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:12,216 Sister rose: It has come to my attention 373 00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:16,487 That some of you have been reading disgusting... 374 00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:18,823 Literature. 375 00:14:18,958 --> 00:14:20,724 Pornography. 376 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,494 The devil's atlas. 377 00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:24,629 -Sick. 378 00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:25,897 -It certainly is. 379 00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:28,099 Adult mark (v.O.): I prayed for the earth to open 380 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,034 And drag me to hell right then and there. 381 00:14:30,169 --> 00:14:31,970 Sister rose: Sexual immorality. 382 00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:36,441 I won't say who it was, but I was equally... 383 00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:42,446 Shocked and not surprised. 384 00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:50,254 So, you will all be having a special lesson today... 385 00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:54,325 On sexual education. 386 00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,860 Fox: We're watching a porno? 387 00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:57,261 [laughter] 388 00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,830 Sister rose: It's natural to be curious. 389 00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:03,134 Adam and eve were curious. 390 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:07,338 And that curiosity led to shame. 391 00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:12,443 Let that shame fuel today's lesson, children. 392 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,979 Now, the girls, please follow me. 393 00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:19,150 -What about the boys? 394 00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:23,554 Sister rose: Father garcia will be talking with you. 395 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,589 God help us all. 396 00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,759 -Sister. 397 00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:29,760 I know what you're thinking. 398 00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:33,130 "what could father garcia possibly know about sex?" 399 00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:36,968 Well, I wasn't always a priest, nah! 400 00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:41,306 In fact, this one time I met this wild gal named gloria 401 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:45,109 Back when I was travelling through barth-e-lona. 402 00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:47,478 Oh, yeah. [chuckles] 403 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,714 She taught me more than just how to order a "cervesa," 404 00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:51,849 If you know what I mean. 405 00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:55,319 [chuckles] ah... 406 00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,822 The two became one flesh... 407 00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:59,323 A bunch of times that week. 408 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:02,927 Wow. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is... 409 00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:06,030 I know a thing or two about hormones! 410 00:16:06,032 --> 00:16:07,331 Adult mark (v.O.): Great. Even the priest 411 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,467 Knew more about girls than I did. 412 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:12,069 Three sex talks and I still didn't know anything! 413 00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:18,810 -Oh! 414 00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:23,180 My god, it smells fresher in here than it does outside. 415 00:16:23,249 --> 00:16:25,817 Wouldn't you say, mike? 416 00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:27,084 Mike...? 417 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:32,189 Enough of the silent treatment. What is going on? 418 00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:40,564 -I know young mike is making a mistake. 419 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,834 I just didn't know you thought that we were a mistake. 420 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,770 -What are you on about? 421 00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:48,172 Of course we were a mistake. 422 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,107 Best mistake I ever made. 423 00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:54,779 -[chuckles] 424 00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:58,516 Did you see the way she stood up for mike? 425 00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:01,385 -"I think he turned out just fine!" 426 00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:05,923 Seems like it was just yesterday that was you and me. 427 00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:07,458 Remember when we were their age... 428 00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:08,392 [gasps] 429 00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:11,128 Oh, the things we got up to! 430 00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:12,263 [giggles] 431 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,000 -Oh, ew! 432 00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:18,903 -And here comes a constant reminder. 433 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,270 -I'm, uh, gonna drive linda home. 434 00:17:20,306 --> 00:17:21,639 -The hell you will! 435 00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:23,875 -Mary, honey, just give it a rest, eh? 436 00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:25,910 -I will not. 437 00:17:25,979 --> 00:17:27,378 You know the rules. 438 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,947 Everyone in the family has to clean up after themselves. 439 00:17:29,983 --> 00:17:33,918 And seeing as you're in no condition to carry furniture, 440 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,554 It's a good thing that there's a sink full of dirty dishes 441 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:39,256 Over there that need to be done. 442 00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:40,892 Go on, the both of ya. 443 00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,827 ♪ 444 00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:45,696 ♪ 445 00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:48,566 [both chuckle] 446 00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:53,237 Adult mark (v.O.): Another year older, but no closer to love. 447 00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:56,040 -Why is it so hard to tell somebody... 448 00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:58,142 -Huh? -A girl, that you like her? 449 00:17:58,278 --> 00:18:00,278 -Oh, uh... 450 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,114 Love is complicated. 451 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,549 Sex? 452 00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:09,320 Sex, you can read about that in any book, but... 453 00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:12,323 Matters of the heart, 454 00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:15,192 They will forever remain a mystery. 455 00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:24,368 You see... 456 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:28,406 When a man and a woman like each other very much, 457 00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:31,142 Or they've been drinking-- 458 00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:33,211 -Pop! Eugh, not another "talk"! 459 00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:34,411 -Look, do you want my advice? 460 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,647 -No! -Quit worrying. 461 00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:38,616 You'll figure it out when the time comes. 462 00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:42,286 Like your dad did, and me, and my father before me. 463 00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:45,389 In the meantime... 464 00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,891 Happy belated birthday. 465 00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:49,360 -Oh. -Mm-hm. 466 00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:50,527 -Thanks, pop. 467 00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,300 You can never have enough pens. 468 00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:59,436 -Ah! It's not just any pen. 469 00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:02,306 This is an education. 470 00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,576 Turn it upside down. 471 00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:15,119 [inspiring music] 472 00:19:15,254 --> 00:19:17,188 Heh... 473 00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:19,190 That's just on loan, yeah? 474 00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:21,926 ♪ 475 00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:23,594 Adult mark (v.O.): There are some things 476 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:24,795 You can't learn in school. 477 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:28,666 You'll learn them when you're ready. 478 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,535 The way nature intended. 479 00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:35,539 -Looking at my dad's skin mags with my brother? 480 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:39,310 You're a total perv, critch. 481 00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:42,079 Adult mark (v.O.): By being mortified. 482 00:19:42,115 --> 00:19:43,880 Secrets are funny things. 483 00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:46,016 They can bring you closer to the ones you love... 484 00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:47,552 -[laughs] I remember that! 485 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,588 Adult mark (v.O.): They can also keep you apart. 486 00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:52,823 But the weight of carrying secrets lightens 487 00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:54,492 When you share them. 488 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:56,360 Sister rose: What's this? 489 00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,229 -Memories. 490 00:19:58,364 --> 00:19:59,863 I thought they were lost. 491 00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:04,501 Ah... 492 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,670 [sister rose laughs] 493 00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:09,340 Oh, that was a long time ago. 494 00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,776 Pop: Seems like yesterday. 495 00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:13,077 -[sighs] 496 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,046 -Look, I... [clears throat] 497 00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:18,048 I know I left you high and dry all those years ago, 498 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:21,785 But I just want you know that there hasn't been a day 499 00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:24,588 That's gone by when I haven't thought about you. 500 00:20:26,192 --> 00:20:28,993 -[sighs] 501 00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,661 God has a plan. 502 00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:31,595 -Hm. 503 00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:34,732 -I think things turned out for the best. 504 00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:39,870 [poignant music] 505 00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:43,140 ♪ 506 00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:44,741 [exhales] 507 00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:49,480 ♪ 508 00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:50,881 [sighs] 509 00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:56,086 ♪ 510 00:20:56,122 --> 00:20:58,155 Adult mark (v.O.): It's good to ask questions. 511 00:20:58,157 --> 00:21:00,224 It's good to clear the air. 512 00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:03,094 ♪ 513 00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:06,697 ♪ 514 00:21:06,832 --> 00:21:09,433 ♪ 515 00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:10,901 Adult mark (v.O.): But some things 516 00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:13,304 Should always remain private. 517 00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:17,174 ♪ 518 00:21:17,243 --> 00:21:19,643 ♪ 519 00:21:19,646 --> 00:21:21,044 [door shuts and locks] 520 00:21:23,049 --> 00:21:26,917 ♪ 521 00:21:26,953 --> 00:21:31,254 ♪ 522 00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:37,595 ♪ 523 00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:40,364 ♪