[alarm clock blaring]
Adult mark (v.O.): As a kid, there's no day more special
Than your birthday.
Fourteen!
I was a bona fide teenager with one year's experience.
After 364 days of nothing special,
This was my chance
To be the centre of attention for the entire day.
Fox: [sultry voice] ♪ happy birthday to you... ♪
♪ happy birthday, mister criiiitch... ♪
[wolf whistle from crowd]
Fox: ♪ happy birthday to you! ♪
[applause]
Crowd: [chanting] mark, mark, mark, mark...!
Mark, mark...
-Aw... That's my boy.
-That's no boy.
That's a man!
[chanting and applause continues]
-Good morning! The birthday boy is...
Here?
Mike sr: Watch the door, now.
Mark: Oh... Heh.
Mike sr: Where do you want this, mary?
Mary: Put it anywhere.
Well, not there!
Move it over here.
[mike sr. Sighs]
Adult mark (v.O.): Every spring, my family moved
Everything outside so it could get some air on it.
-Pop! Will ya get your feet off this?
-Why?
The couch is dirtier than my shoes.
Mark: You might say...
That it's a pretty special... Day?
-Sure is, son.
Today's the day we air out the house!
Now, go get your bedclothes and put 'em on the picnic table.
Adult mark (v.O.): The love seat was getting
More attention than I was.
Pop: Well, well, well!
Ooh, it looks like you got something pretty big today, huh?
Hah...
A real... Humdinger of a pimple!
-What?!
Adult mark (v.O.): As if everyone forgetting
My birthday wasn't bad enough,
I'd sprouted the mount vesuvius of zits.
-No!
Adult mark (v.O.): I could only hope
It would pop as easily as my expectations.
[knock on door]
-Occupied!
Pop: Poland wasn't occupied this long!
[banging on door]
Adult mark (v.O.): Concealer!
Happy birthday to me!
Pop: This bladder's 80 years old!
Adult mark (v.O.): This was not as easy-breezy
As in the commercials.
As soon as it went on, it was washed off
By floods of flop sweat!
Nothing a little deodorant wouldn't fix...
-[knocking continues] -pop: Oh, come on, lad!
Oh, god!
Finally! Go on, get out!
You're in the splash zone.
-Oh, god.
-Ohh!
[indistinct chatter and laughter]
-What's wrong with your face?
Adult mark (v.O.): Everything!
-I don't know what you mean.
-You've got white gunk on your forehead.
-Oh.
Moisturizer.
You know, it's never too early to take care of your skin.
Adult mark (v.O.): The deodorant had dried,
Making it worse!
-Here.
Happy birthday, nerd.
-Thanks.
Exactly what I wanted.
Middle fox: Happy birthday, loser!
Adult mark (v.O.): Getting "flakied."
A long-held birthday tradition.
There was only one thing worse...
-It's your birthday!
You know what that means...
-No...
Kids: One, two...
Adult mark (v.O.): The bumps!
One for every year of your life.
Suddenly having people forget my birthday
Didn't seem like such a bad thing.
Mr. Chafe: Happy birthday, mark!
-What?!
[counting continues]
Mary: Did you see the look on mark's face?
He thinks we forgot his birthday!
Sin. God, I love surprise parties!
-Hey, I got the decorations.
I don't know if you wanted neon green or neon orange,
So I got both.
-Good god! Is this a birthday party or the coronation?
-Shhh!
Where are the party hats?
-Shoot, you know what?
Uh, I forgot to get 'em,
But I can go and pick 'em up when I grab linda.
-Linda?
You're not going out on the town on your brother's birthday?
-No, no, no, she's coming to the party!
-It's a family celebration.
-I think what your mother is trying to say
Is that linda seems very nice, but you shouldn't feel obligated
To stay with someone in trouble, if you're not the one who...
Troubled them.
-I already told you guys, I'm not the father.
-Then stop playing like you are!
-I'm not playing anything!
I'm not a kid, mom! Okay?
And my girlfriend is coming to the party,
Or I'm not.
-Great job on "the talk."
-Whoa!
Dude, that is angry!
-I can't go back out like this. I'm a monster!
-Look, it's perfectly natural.
Hormones, they're raging inside of us.
Next comes body hair,
Then mood swings, and, well....
You know.
Adult mark (v.O.): I didn't know.
-Yeah.
Totally.
-Oh, man...
You haven't had the talk yet?
My dad just gave it to me.
And dude, it was wild.
Mr. Perez: As you become a man,
Your body changes in the following ten ways,
Five of which are disgusting,
And two are terrifying.
-[dramatic music] -[slides switching]
-Ugh!
[toilet flushes]
Middle fox: Aw!
Did the wittle sooky babies need the talk?
-So?
How else are we supposed to know about puberty?
-I know all about the lady's bits and bobs.
The here and there of, uh...
Them.
Middle fox: Meet me after school.
I'm gonna show you something that'll blow your minds.
Mike jr: Alright, on three.
One, two, three!
Pop: Okay, good.
Bring it 'round here.
Good. A bit more, a bit more.
Ah, good.
Mike jr: What's this?
-What?
Oh! My goodness, yeah.
Oh... I thought these were long gone.
-She was pretty cute! -Mm-hm.
-Yeah, who is she?
-Sister rose.
-Gross.
-We must have been about your age.
-What happened? -I was a fool. Hm.
We let other people pressure us
Into walking away from the ones we loved.
-Your mom got to you, too, huh?
-You follow your heart, son.
You don't want to end up when you're 80,
Looking at old photographs and wondering...
What might have been.
[poignant music]
Adult mark (v.O.): Alone in the woods with fox's brother,
I couldn't help wondering if this would turn out
To be my last birthday.
[foliage rustling]
-Uh! -Careful, it's dirty.
-It's got mud all over it.
-No, I mean the good kinda dirty.
Adult mark (v.O.): He was right.
It wasn't just a dirty magazine...
It was a dirty magazine!
-It's just a loaner.
Bring it back tomorrow.
-I-I can't take this home! What if someone sees?
-I'll take it!
-On the other hand, I wouldn't wanna be rude...
-Then don't look at page 5!
[laughs]
Happy birthday, kid.
[laughs]
♪
-[sighs]
♪
Adult mark (v.O.): My first nudie magazine!
I couldn't wait to have time to look through it--
Purely for educational purposes, of course.
I needed the perfect hiding place.
Under the mattress?
Pop's water jug?
No.
Dean martin's french style.
The raciest thing I owned!
Until now.
-[gasps] -mark!
Adult mark (v.O.): Busted!
-I need to see you outside.
Now!
Adult mark (v.O.): My dad hit the snooze button
On my sexual awakening.
[music playing on radio]
All: Surprise!
Adult mark (v.O.): I should have known
My family wouldn't forget my big day.
I could feel my heart beating deep in my zit.
Mary: Happy birthday, mark!
Dick: Aw!
I loves a birthday!
-You're burning these burgers to a crisp!
I mean, look, they're burgers, not joan of arc!
Here, turn this one over.
And this one here is practically raw!
Mary: Oh, why don't you have a seat, dear?
-I don't mind helping. -Oh, nonsense!
What kind of hosts would we be
If we let the guests set the table?
Adult mark (v.O.): I should have been grateful.
But for the first time, I was more interested
In birthday suits than birthdays.
-Oh... Oh, that's a shame.
I think we're all out of, uh, napkins.
I'll go in and sort it out.
-[flames roar] -mike sr: Good god!
-Gotta move this thing along! I'm hungry!
Mary: So, linda! How's... Your family?
Your mother, your father...?
The father?
-Look, if you got something to say,
Why don't you just come out and say it?
-You want to talk?
Okay...
You are too young to be getting this serious!
She-- they--
Are not your responsibility!
-That's none of your business!
-Oh, it is so my business,
Because you live in my house, don't you?
-She's got you there, b'y.
-Pop understands!
He said I should follow my heart!
-You did what? -Oh, come on.
I mean, it wasn't that long ago when you were in their shoes.
I mean, I was against it at the time,
But everything turned out just fine.
Where is mark with those napkins?
-Oh, this is rich.
You've been looking down your nose at me this whole time,
And we're the same, me and you.
Mike sr: No, no, no. We got married.
-Eventually.
-You two... That means that I-I'm...
Pop: A bastard, yes.
-Mike, ya old dog, you!
-Mind your own damn business, dick!
-You two are total hypocrites!
You don't get to talk about me and linda, ever!
-We're just looking out for you.
-That's right.
You're still young.
You can travel, you can do things, have a life!
We don't want you to make the same mistakes we made.
-Mistakes?
[thunder rumbling]
-Oh, hey! Rain!
-Ohh! Oh! -Oh my god!
Grab the cake!
Mary: God, my hair!
Pop: Quick, quick, save me some icing!
-Happy birthday to me!
All: ♪ happy birthday to-- ♪
-Uh, uh...
-What the flying friggity frig?!
Will you look at that?
Don't look at it!
Look at it without looking at it!
Mark: I just wanna say, I'm as shocked as you are!
I've never seen that! I just-- I just--
Pop: I'm not even old enough to look at this. [laughs]
-Hey, hey, I told you to stay out of my room!
-I didn't go in your room!
-What? -What?
-False alarm.
Mary: My god, everyone in this house is perverted!
Mike jr: Yeah, you can say that again.
-That's it.
Mike! It is time for the talk.
-Oh... -No, anything but the talk!
Pop: Heh! Too late for the talk after this.
No, I mean, it couldn't be any clearer,
Unless, of course, it was a pop-up book.
-This is neither the time nor place for this.
Mary: You never gave that one the talk.
And look how he turned out.
-I think he turned out just fine.
Mary: Well, if you don't mind,
This is a family discussion.
Pop: Disgusting.
Mike sr: Mary...
Pop: Really disgusting.
-Wha-- what are you...
-Oh... Wow.
Uh, yeah, I'll hang onto this.
Just in case.
Adult mark (v.O.): Just what I needed.
A sex talk from a man who sleeps in a twin bed.
-You're getting older now,
And there's a lot going on.
Everything's all...
Upset.
Your body is like a...
Kettle.
And it heats to a certain point, and then it sort of...
Goes off.
But you can't.
Any questions?
-Hm.
-Good.
Tell your mother I just told ya a bunch of stuff, alright?
Now, go on.
Mary: Do I have to do everything?
Sit!
This is a boy. This is a girl.
Adult mark (v.O.): I don't remember what she said,
Or even what the orange was for.
I just longed to go back to when I was 13--
Young and naive, and still able to eat fruit.
-Mike, go toss that pornography into the trash.
-Oh, no, you can't throw it out!
Fox's brother'll kill me!
-A-ha! So that's who gave it to you!
-No!
Dad...!
Mary: That's right, suzanne!
Your son brought a dirty magazine to school.
Oh, you bet your arse
The principal's gonna hear about this!
[school bell rings]
Adult mark (v.O.): On the bright side,
Sister rose couldn't punish me.
You can't punish the dead.
-What the frig were you thinking,
Showing your ma that skin mag?
-I didn't do it on purpose! She just found it!
-I knew I shouldn't have given it to a baby.
-No! Just--
-Hey, what was that? -Uh, um--
-What?
-Just...
-You're so weird sometimes.
-What?
Adult mark (v.O.): How could I tell fox I liked her?
She was about to find out I was a pervert!
Sister rose: It has come to my attention
That some of you have been reading disgusting...
Literature.
Pornography.
The devil's atlas.
-Sick.
-It certainly is.
Adult mark (v.O.): I prayed for the earth to open
And drag me to hell right then and there.
Sister rose: Sexual immorality.
I won't say who it was, but I was equally...
Shocked and not surprised.
So, you will all be having a special lesson today...
On sexual education.
Fox: We're watching a porno?
[laughter]
Sister rose: It's natural to be curious.
Adam and eve were curious.
And that curiosity led to shame.
Let that shame fuel today's lesson, children.
Now, the girls, please follow me.
-What about the boys?
Sister rose: Father garcia will be talking with you.
God help us all.
-Sister.
I know what you're thinking.
"what could father garcia possibly know about sex?"
Well, I wasn't always a priest, nah!
In fact, this one time I met this wild gal named gloria
Back when I was travelling through barth-e-lona.
Oh, yeah. [chuckles]
She taught me more than just how to order a "cervesa,"
If you know what I mean.
[chuckles] ah...
The two became one flesh...
A bunch of times that week.
Wow. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is...
I know a thing or two about hormones!
Adult mark (v.O.): Great. Even the priest
Knew more about girls than I did.
Three sex talks and I still didn't know anything!
-Oh!
My god, it smells fresher in here than it does outside.
Wouldn't you say, mike?
Mike...?
Enough of the silent treatment. What is going on?
-I know young mike is making a mistake.
I just didn't know you thought that we were a mistake.
-What are you on about?
Of course we were a mistake.
Best mistake I ever made.
-[chuckles]
Did you see the way she stood up for mike?
-"I think he turned out just fine!"
Seems like it was just yesterday that was you and me.
Remember when we were their age...
[gasps]
Oh, the things we got up to!
[giggles]
-Oh, ew!
-And here comes a constant reminder.
-I'm, uh, gonna drive linda home.
-The hell you will!
-Mary, honey, just give it a rest, eh?
-I will not.
You know the rules.
Everyone in the family has to clean up after themselves.
And seeing as you're in no condition to carry furniture,
It's a good thing that there's a sink full of dirty dishes
Over there that need to be done.
Go on, the both of ya.
♪
[both chuckle]
Adult mark (v.O.): Another year older, but no closer to love.
-Why is it so hard to tell somebody...
-Huh? -A girl, that you like her?
-Oh, uh...
Love is complicated.
Sex?
Sex, you can read about that in any book, but...
Matters of the heart,
They will forever remain a mystery.
You see...
When a man and a woman like each other very much,
Or they've been drinking--
-Pop! Eugh, not another "talk"!
-Look, do you want my advice?
-No! -Quit worrying.
You'll figure it out when the time comes.
Like your dad did, and me, and my father before me.
In the meantime...
Happy belated birthday.
-Oh. -Mm-hm.
-Thanks, pop.
You can never have enough pens.
-Ah! It's not just any pen.
This is an education.
Turn it upside down.
[inspiring music]
Heh...
That's just on loan, yeah?
♪
Adult mark (v.O.): There are some things
You can't learn in school.
You'll learn them when you're ready.
The way nature intended.
-Looking at my dad's skin mags with my brother?
You're a total perv, critch.
Adult mark (v.O.): By being mortified.
Secrets are funny things.
They can bring you closer to the ones you love...
-[laughs] I remember that!
Adult mark (v.O.): They can also keep you apart.
But the weight of carrying secrets lightens
When you share them.
Sister rose: What's this?
-Memories.
I thought they were lost.
Ah...
[sister rose laughs]
Oh, that was a long time ago.
Pop: Seems like yesterday.
-[sighs]
-Look, I... [clears throat]
I know I left you high and dry all those years ago,
But I just want you know that there hasn't been a day
That's gone by when I haven't thought about you.
-[sighs]
God has a plan.
-Hm.
-I think things turned out for the best.
[poignant music]
♪
[exhales]
♪
[sighs]
♪
Adult mark (v.O.): It's good to ask questions.
It's good to clear the air.
♪
Adult mark (v.O.): But some things
Should always remain private.
♪
[door shuts and locks]
♪