1 00:00:03,137 --> 00:00:04,369 Adult mark (v.O.): I wanted to be a performer so bad 2 00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:06,038 I could taste it. 3 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,440 Whenever a show was in town, I volunteered to tear tickets 4 00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:10,175 Just to soak it all in. 5 00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:11,643 [laughter] 6 00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:13,912 Adult mark (v.O.): But there was nothing like seeing 7 00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:15,313 Live comedy for the first time. 8 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,448 The set up... 9 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,851 -This is a beautiful theatre. 10 00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:20,985 I love playing here. 11 00:00:21,022 --> 00:00:23,589 It reminds me a lot of my own home. 12 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,858 It's filthy and full of strangers! 13 00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:26,925 [laughter] 14 00:00:26,927 --> 00:00:28,726 Adult mark (v.O.): The pay-off! 15 00:00:28,763 --> 00:00:30,595 It was just him and a microphone, 16 00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,664 But he had the whole room in his hand. 17 00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:35,701 -Talk about luck. I mean, luck, I have no luck! 18 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:39,104 The other day I prayed to god, I said, "please, god. 19 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,473 "please let me win the lottery." 20 00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:44,275 And nothing. Then this morning, on my way to the work, 21 00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:46,411 I actually cried out to the heavens, I said, 22 00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:49,815 "please, god! Let me win the lottery!" 23 00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:53,118 Then the clouds parted, and this light shone down, 24 00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:54,752 And this booming voice said, 25 00:00:54,789 --> 00:00:57,689 "ted! Meet me half way! 26 00:00:57,691 --> 00:00:58,957 "buy a ticket!" 27 00:00:58,993 --> 00:01:01,693 [laughter and applause] 28 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:03,896 Take care of yourselves, everybody! 29 00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:05,230 And each other! 30 00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:06,965 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! 31 00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:08,433 Thank you! 32 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,569 [applause and cheering] 33 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:11,636 -Woo! 34 00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:12,971 Yeah! 35 00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:18,577 ♪ 36 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:21,780 Adult mark (v.O.): All my life, I'd looked up to comedians. 37 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,116 But I'd never actually met one before. 38 00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:25,317 [knocks on door] 39 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:26,752 -Mr. Turpin? 40 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,121 -Entréz vous! 41 00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:30,189 -Uh... 42 00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:32,457 I'm a huge fan, sir. 43 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,726 I watched both shows, the matinee and the evening, 44 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:37,529 And you were amazing. 45 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:38,930 -Thanks. 46 00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:41,166 -Could you sign my poster? 47 00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:42,367 -Uh... 48 00:01:42,369 --> 00:01:43,668 What's your name, kid? 49 00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,404 -Mark. 50 00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:47,673 Uh, I'm a comedian too. 51 00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:50,375 -Well, if you got jokes, you should, uh, tell 'em 52 00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:52,945 To the open mic tomorrow afternoon at the strand lounge. 53 00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:53,846 -Really? 54 00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:55,680 -Yeah, I'm trying out some new material, 55 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:58,884 Uh, so I kinda need someone to make me look good. 56 00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:00,352 You're underage, yeah? 57 00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:01,820 You're not just malnourished? 58 00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:03,355 -Oh, I'm 14. 59 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,757 -Okay, well, make sure your parents know, okay? 60 00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:09,027 It's a bar, so you get a note or something, alright? 61 00:02:09,162 --> 00:02:09,895 There you go. 62 00:02:09,964 --> 00:02:12,497 -Thank you. I'll be there. 63 00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:13,865 Adult mark (v.O.): I knew two things. 64 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:15,833 I was going to take to that stage, 65 00:02:15,870 --> 00:02:18,436 And I was not going to tell my parents. 66 00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:26,844 [sound of tv playing] 67 00:02:26,881 --> 00:02:29,948 -Hey! Outta my chair before I throw you out. 68 00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:32,150 -Pop, she's pregnant! 69 00:02:32,219 --> 00:02:34,052 -Well, then, I'm gonna need help. 70 00:02:34,121 --> 00:02:35,654 -It's really good for my back. 71 00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:37,121 -Ah, yes. 72 00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:38,723 It's nice and solid. 73 00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:41,660 It's wonderful for people with bad backs. 74 00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:42,995 -Mm-hm. 75 00:02:43,130 --> 00:02:46,832 [sound of tv playing] 76 00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,336 Pop: That girl is not even gonna budge. 77 00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:52,737 She's like a beached whale. 78 00:02:52,806 --> 00:02:54,872 And he's not even the kid's father! 79 00:02:54,909 --> 00:02:58,543 -I feel for her, but she's here day and night. 80 00:02:58,579 --> 00:03:00,478 I mean, don't she got a family? 81 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:01,547 Even et phoned home. 82 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,081 -She's nesting. -What? 83 00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:04,750 -Full-on nesting! 84 00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:08,420 Oh, I had the same problem with shrews in the attic one winter. 85 00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:11,089 Once they move in, you can't get 'em out. 86 00:03:11,125 --> 00:03:13,091 They pick a corner, 87 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,760 And they'll live there... 88 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,695 Forever! 89 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,497 -She is getting so familiar. 90 00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:19,932 I don't know what to say! 91 00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:21,266 -I can't eat. 92 00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:22,634 My back hurts too much. 93 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,502 I think I'm gonna have a bath. 94 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,371 -Oh, hey, mom's got some special shampoo! 95 00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:28,306 I'll go grab it for you. 96 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,578 -She has got to go! 97 00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:37,181 Adult mark (v.O.): How does a boy ditch school 98 00:03:37,218 --> 00:03:38,383 To perform in a bar? 99 00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:39,718 I had a plan. 100 00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,119 [electric pencil sharpener whirring] 101 00:03:41,155 --> 00:03:44,856 -Hello, ms. Macdonald. You are looking lovely today. 102 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,792 Is that a new blouse? 103 00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,660 Could I make a last-minute addition 104 00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:50,262 To the announcement sheet? 105 00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,397 Not for me, of course, but for ms. Fowler. 106 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,466 She asked me to. 107 00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:55,867 The poor woman is swamped. 108 00:03:59,606 --> 00:04:00,739 [announcement beep] 109 00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:02,674 Mr. Chafe: [pa] the st. Bridget's crusaders 110 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:05,410 Will be playing the st. Teresa's trojans 111 00:04:05,545 --> 00:04:07,512 In boys' hockey, Saturday. 112 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,414 Good luck to them. 113 00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:12,284 And would mark critch please come to the office? 114 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,085 Students: Ooh! 115 00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:16,221 Adult mark (v.O.): Freedom. It was a jailbreak. 116 00:04:16,356 --> 00:04:17,622 Who needed school, anyway? 117 00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:20,458 I was a professional comedian. 118 00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:25,497 -Can you change the channel? 119 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,265 Mike jr: I got it, babe. 120 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:28,567 Pop: Huh...? 121 00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:30,635 Linda: Can you get me another slice of bologna? 122 00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:32,704 -Alright, alright, you're not expecting twins. 123 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,939 -Hey, mom, can you get linda another slice of bologna? 124 00:04:35,009 --> 00:04:36,641 -Where are you going? -The station. 125 00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:38,209 I got afternoon drive till six. 126 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:39,644 -Oh! 127 00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,480 Well, you'll-- you'll be going with him, then, huh? 128 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,115 -Nah, I think I'll just wait here 'til he gets back. 129 00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:46,851 Mike jr: You know, I'm only gonna be a couple hours. 130 00:04:46,986 --> 00:04:48,520 Pop: Oh... [disappointed] aw... 131 00:04:51,292 --> 00:04:53,191 Linda: Ugh, what's that smell? 132 00:04:53,227 --> 00:04:54,693 -Supper. 133 00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,294 -The smell is making me nauseous. 134 00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:57,662 Can someone open a window? 135 00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:59,664 -What smell? I'm boiling potatoes! 136 00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:03,601 Adult mark (v.O.): The strand lounge. 137 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,872 Where people came to drown their sorrows. 138 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:09,140 To be drunk at this hour meant you'd either 139 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:12,444 Started way too early, or you woke up there. 140 00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:14,579 My diet cola stood out more than my age. 141 00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:16,348 [sports game playing on tv] 142 00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:19,151 Ted: Hey! You made it. 143 00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:21,119 -Hi. 144 00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:22,754 Interesting spot. 145 00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,022 -Yeah. 146 00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:27,359 Best to make your mistakes where nobody will remember them. 147 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,093 So you got your note? 148 00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:31,028 -Oh, yes, of course. 149 00:05:31,065 --> 00:05:33,098 -Okay. 150 00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:34,232 Hey... 151 00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:35,500 You wrote this. 152 00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:37,903 -Well, I-- -ahh... I don't wanna know. 153 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,906 This is, uh, from the kid's parents. 154 00:05:40,908 --> 00:05:42,974 Okay... 155 00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,642 You ready? 156 00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:47,312 -[ice cubes clink] -liquid courage. 157 00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:49,213 [ted chuckles] 158 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,186 Hello! 159 00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:55,853 Ladies and gentlemen. 160 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,856 How's everyone doing this afternoon? 161 00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:00,692 [mic feedback] 162 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:01,726 Ted: Ah... 163 00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,161 [someone clears throat] 164 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,797 I love this place. It actually reminds me of my own home. 165 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:09,066 You know, it's filthy and it's full of strangers. 166 00:06:09,103 --> 00:06:11,369 Adult mark (v.O.): That joke had killed in the theatre! 167 00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:12,871 But here, among the day drinking 168 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,807 And the hum of the cooler, it fell flatter than my cola. 169 00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:18,076 Woman: [aussie accent] oi, yes, I would like 170 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:19,077 A cab at the strand. 171 00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:22,881 -Yeah, you mind callin' me one? 172 00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:25,951 Just so I can drive it into the ocean? 173 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:27,018 Okay, okay. 174 00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:28,619 So, what I'm gonna do 175 00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:30,755 Is I'm gonna warm you all up right now 176 00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:33,024 With a hot young comedian, okay? 177 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:35,494 So, it's his first time performing at the strand. 178 00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:38,629 Please put your hands together for mark... 179 00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:41,400 Uh, uh, what's your name again, kid? 180 00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:42,734 -Critch. 181 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:43,769 -Right, right! Mark critch! 182 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,238 Let's hear it for him! [clapping] 183 00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:47,439 [scattered light applause] 184 00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,040 Adult mark (v.O.): My heart was pounding, 185 00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:51,843 My stomach swirled, and I immediately had to pee. 186 00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:53,712 All the moisture left my mouth 187 00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:55,580 And went straight to my bladder. 188 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:59,617 I'd been on stage before, but this was the big leagues. 189 00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:01,686 -Uh, hello. 190 00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:04,389 My name is mark. 191 00:07:04,524 --> 00:07:07,459 I'm 14. 192 00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,861 I-I cut school to be here. 193 00:07:09,996 --> 00:07:11,863 We're learning about the ozone layer. 194 00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:13,931 They've found the biggest hole yet. 195 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,733 It's an even bigger hole than this place! 196 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,302 [pool cue hits ball] 197 00:07:17,371 --> 00:07:19,537 [silence] 198 00:07:21,175 --> 00:07:23,608 I heard they're making an electric car. 199 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:26,578 An electric car, folks! 200 00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:29,213 I hear it's gonna cost $30,000. 201 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:30,682 Ten thousand for the car, 202 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,417 20,000 for the extension cord. 203 00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,753 [silence] 204 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,425 Uh, where are you from, ma'am? 205 00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:43,428 -Huh? -Uh, I said where are you from? 206 00:07:43,563 --> 00:07:45,230 -St. John's. 207 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:46,430 -Right. 208 00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,099 And what do you do for work? 209 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:50,301 -I lost my job. 210 00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:53,671 [sound of pool and pinball] 211 00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:56,741 [mark chuckles and whistles] 212 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,576 Adult mark (v.O.): I couldn't have bombed bigger 213 00:07:58,612 --> 00:07:59,711 If I was oppenheimer. 214 00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:02,581 -Thank you. Um, you've been a great crowd. 215 00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:06,918 [scattered applause] 216 00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:08,853 -Hey, kid. 217 00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:10,388 Don't worry about your set. 218 00:08:10,457 --> 00:08:11,856 You'll get 'em next time. 219 00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:15,059 -Oh, really? Next time? That was humiliating. 220 00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:17,795 -No, you've gotta get right back on the horse. 221 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:21,332 Why don't you come back tomorrow for cabaret night? 222 00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:24,736 -Really? You think I'm good enough to come back? 223 00:08:24,871 --> 00:08:28,373 -Well, no, but I had a guy just drop out. 224 00:08:28,442 --> 00:08:29,574 Look. 225 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:31,977 Stop trying to be johnny carson, okay? 226 00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:33,678 We already got one of those. 227 00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:35,880 Just be yourself, okay? 228 00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:39,517 I want to know who you are. 229 00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:42,086 -Who I really am. 230 00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:43,220 Got it. 231 00:08:43,257 --> 00:08:47,291 -Uh, no, no, I mean, I want to know who you are. 232 00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:48,727 I forget your name again. 233 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:51,029 -Oh! Oh. Mark critch. 234 00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:52,630 -Oh, okay. 235 00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:55,433 Okay, give it up for mark critch, 236 00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:57,702 Ladies and gentlemen! [clapping] 237 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,037 [scattered light applause] 238 00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:06,177 Adult mark (v.O.): Ted told me to mine comedy 239 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,178 From my own life. 240 00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:08,780 But what was so funny about my family? 241 00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:10,648 -I share a room with my grandfather. 242 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:13,585 "pop," I said, "you're snoring." 243 00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:16,921 And he told me... 244 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:19,457 [mimicking pop] "well, I'm not snoring! 245 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,459 "I'm dreaming I'm a motorcycle." 246 00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:23,928 [imaginary laughter] 247 00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:25,330 And there's no privacy. 248 00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:28,867 I mean, I lock the door for two seconds and he's all, 249 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:32,671 "open up! Locked doors are for prisoners and perverts!" 250 00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,739 [imaginary laughter] 251 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,474 I've been mark critch, 252 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:37,943 And you've been a great crowd. 253 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,543 [imaginary cheering and applause] 254 00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,479 Oh, that's too much! Aw, thank you. 255 00:09:41,515 --> 00:09:42,580 [knock on door] 256 00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:43,815 Pop: [muffled] hey, open up! 257 00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:46,217 Locked doors are for prisoners and perverts! 258 00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:48,086 -Yep. One sec. 259 00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,558 Adult mark (v.O.): My family was both a source of characters 260 00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:55,393 And costumes. 261 00:09:58,498 --> 00:09:59,964 Pop: Hey... 262 00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:02,967 Wha...? 263 00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:05,236 Well, where's all my shirts? 264 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,908 Adult mark (v.O.): They say "write what you know," 265 00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,375 And if there was one thing I knew, 266 00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,911 It was being embarrassed by my parents. 267 00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:18,383 ♪ 268 00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:20,051 [front door shuts] 269 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:26,992 [loud slurping] 270 00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:32,063 -Linda. You're still here. 271 00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:34,465 -Ah... 272 00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:35,566 Too sick to move. 273 00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:36,934 [ominous music] 274 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,403 Adult mark (v.O.): Mom could take almost anything, 275 00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:41,272 Except for a wet spoon in the sugar bowl. 276 00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:44,608 -Do you have any fresh milk? 277 00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:46,411 I don't really like the tinned stuff. 278 00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:49,414 [ominous music] 279 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:50,448 [fridge slams] 280 00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:51,749 Mary: Where do you get off? 281 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,618 I am not your maid, missy! 282 00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:55,619 In this house, we get up off the couch 283 00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:56,955 And get things ourselves! 284 00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:58,789 -That's what I'm doing. -Except for tea! 285 00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,191 I gets the tea around here! 286 00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,694 You're making your own milk. Drink that! 287 00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:04,495 -Oh, I'm so sorry, mrs. Critch. 288 00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:08,032 I guess maybe I just like the feeling of being babied myself 289 00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:10,034 Before I gotta go off and have one. 290 00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:12,336 -Where is your own mother to? 291 00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:13,772 -She's, um... 292 00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:15,774 Not around, so... 293 00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:16,974 I dunno. 294 00:11:18,745 --> 00:11:20,311 -Sit down, girl. 295 00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:26,251 [sighs] 296 00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,919 My mother wasn't around either. 297 00:11:28,955 --> 00:11:31,656 I had to figure it all out on my own, too. 298 00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:33,858 -God, I got a million questions. 299 00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:37,828 -Well, you can ask me any questions you got. 300 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:41,199 -How did you raise such a good kid as mike? 301 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,266 -Mike? 302 00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,335 Good? 303 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,337 Oh, I suppose... 304 00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:48,806 Well, he's always been a sweet boy. 305 00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:51,676 -Honest to god, if it wasn't for him... 306 00:11:51,811 --> 00:11:55,012 I don't know what I'd do. 307 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:58,817 I meant to tell mike right away on our first date, 308 00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:01,952 But I thought it would just be one date, y'know? 309 00:12:01,988 --> 00:12:04,555 I just wanted one normal night. 310 00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:07,825 I mean, when was I ever gonna have that again? 311 00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:10,694 But... He was so sweet. 312 00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,764 I wanted one more... 313 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,432 And then another. 314 00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:18,536 And when I got so big, I had to tell him... 315 00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:20,037 He didn't care. 316 00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:22,306 He just said, "that don't change a thing." 317 00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,845 If my kid turns out half as good as mike, 318 00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,612 I'll be over the moon. 319 00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:32,049 -Well... 320 00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:36,487 He still leaves his drawers everywhere, so he's not perfect. 321 00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:41,926 But I loves him. 322 00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:45,396 And once you're a mother, you'll see. 323 00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:48,900 Your family will be your whole world. 324 00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:50,535 Mike sr: Mary, where's my jacket? 325 00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:52,070 Oh, look up your arse! 326 00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:54,405 Your head's already up there! 327 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:56,741 [linda laughs] 328 00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,409 I'll put the kettle back on. 329 00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:00,244 [both laugh] 330 00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:08,552 -Mike, another psa's come in. 331 00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:11,021 -Gertie, if I told you once, I told you a thousand times. 332 00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:13,490 The cut-off for the psas is at 3 o'clock. 333 00:13:13,527 --> 00:13:15,726 -I know, but I thought you'd wanna read that one, 334 00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:17,061 Seeing it's-- 335 00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:20,031 -And now your vocm cares public service announcements. 336 00:13:20,166 --> 00:13:21,766 Drive-in bingo is as go at st. Kevin's, 337 00:13:21,901 --> 00:13:24,569 With plenty of parking so every player gets a "free space." 338 00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:26,571 St. Teresa's is holding a flea market Sunday 339 00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:27,905 From noon to three. 340 00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:29,440 And the rnc are holding a moose dinner 341 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:30,575 At the legion Saturday night. 342 00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:33,110 And tonight at the strand lounge there's a cabaret 343 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,713 Hosted by ted turpin, with the mccarthy sisters, 344 00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:37,582 Al clouston, mark critch, 345 00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:39,317 The clancy dancers, and more. 346 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,452 Show time for that is 7 o'clock. 347 00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,521 That's your vocm community calendar. 348 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,456 Drive safely, arrive alive. 349 00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:47,258 Vocm cares. 350 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,327 -That's sweet about your young fella. 351 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:50,327 -Huh? 352 00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,330 -Playing the show. -What show? 353 00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:53,397 Down at the bar. 354 00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:56,134 I didn't know he was old enough to be at that. 355 00:13:56,136 --> 00:14:00,505 -Mark's only 14. He couldn't be... 356 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,073 Good god! 357 00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:09,280 [funky bass music] 358 00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,149 ♪ 359 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,751 -Oh, ted! I've got a whole new act! 360 00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,920 -Hey, so... What's in the bag? 361 00:14:16,055 --> 00:14:18,656 -Costumes. I'm doing characters now. 362 00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:19,757 -Ah... God help us. 363 00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,458 [applause] 364 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,360 Adult mark (v.O.): I'd thought yesterday was my big break, 365 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:24,561 But tonight was even bigger! 366 00:14:24,598 --> 00:14:28,165 This time they'd turned the tvs off! 367 00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:29,500 Ted: Welcome! 368 00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,169 Welcome to the cabaret! 369 00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:34,438 Ladies and gentlemen, we've got an incredible assortment 370 00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:38,576 Of some of the finest acts that five dollars cover can buy! 371 00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:42,246 [laughter] 372 00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:43,648 Adult mark (v.O.): The acts were terrible, 373 00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:47,585 But to me, there was no better show on earth! 374 00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:49,620 ♪ 375 00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:51,222 [chuckles] 376 00:14:51,357 --> 00:14:54,725 [upbeat traditional music] 377 00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:57,061 ♪ 378 00:14:57,130 --> 00:15:00,798 [audience exclaiming] 379 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,801 ♪ 380 00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:08,606 [laughter] 381 00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:10,141 [plunger pops] 382 00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:11,675 -Whew! 383 00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:12,743 Thank you! 384 00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:14,712 [applause and cheering] 385 00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,213 Ted: Thank you very much. 386 00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:19,684 Okay, up next we have a promising young comedian 387 00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:21,485 Making his debut! 388 00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:22,553 Please welcome... 389 00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:24,888 Mark critch! 390 00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:26,424 [applause and cheering] 391 00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:30,428 [heartbeat sound and ominous music] 392 00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:32,764 Adult mark (v.O.): I'd been making fun of my family 393 00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:36,100 My whole life. How hard could it be? 394 00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,369 Mark: Uh... 395 00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:39,771 Hello. 396 00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:40,904 I'm mark. 397 00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:42,373 Fourteen. 398 00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:46,243 But if anyone's asking for ids, I'm 27, 399 00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:48,045 And my name's hector. 400 00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:49,246 [someone coughs] 401 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,083 Man: Try again! 402 00:15:52,218 --> 00:15:54,318 Adult mark (v.O.): " who are you?" 403 00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:01,259 -Lemme tell you a little bit about myself. 404 00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:03,261 You know, I share a room with my grandfather. 405 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:04,929 Yeah, willy wonka style. 406 00:16:05,064 --> 00:16:06,230 It's crazy. 407 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,532 But it's not so bad. 408 00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:10,468 Um, he has a few bad habits, is all. 409 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,771 I'm trying to get him to stop biting his nails, yeah. 410 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,172 So I hid his dentures. 411 00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:16,340 [laughter] 412 00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:18,109 Mark: But he never listens. 413 00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:21,079 No, pop's really cheap. 414 00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:22,679 He's so cheap that when he dies, 415 00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:25,450 He'll probably walk towards the light... 416 00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:26,651 And turn it off. 417 00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:27,785 [laughter] 418 00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,420 Mark: Wow, what a family! 419 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,355 You know, my dad's on the radio. 420 00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:33,992 He's a news reporter on vocm. 421 00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:35,826 Mm-hm. You know my dad, right? 422 00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:37,061 Mike critch? 423 00:16:37,196 --> 00:16:39,163 [applause and cheering] 424 00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:41,299 The only problem with being a news reporter 425 00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,834 In a town this size is that there isn't really 426 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,369 Any news to report. 427 00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:47,271 [audience chuckling] 428 00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:54,111 [laughter] 429 00:16:54,246 --> 00:16:55,713 [mimicking mike sr.] "late last night, 430 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:56,914 "early this morning, 431 00:16:56,950 --> 00:17:00,251 "a moose was struck on the trans-canada highway. 432 00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:02,519 "the name of the moose has not yet been released, 433 00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:04,255 "but the suspect vehicle is described 434 00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:06,858 "as a brown and tan chevette 435 00:17:06,993 --> 00:17:08,126 "with a moose on it." 436 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:09,994 [laughter] 437 00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:13,798 "two men killed, one seriously. 438 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:18,002 "this is mike critch for the vocm news service." 439 00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:20,437 [laughter and applause] 440 00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:26,343 [laughter and applause] 441 00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:30,681 -Good god. 442 00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:33,284 -That's you, mike! He got you down! 443 00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:38,222 -And here he is, ladies and gentlemen. 444 00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,690 Mike critch! 445 00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:42,827 [applause] 446 00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:43,761 -Let's go. 447 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:44,829 Man: Oh, he's in trouble! 448 00:17:44,964 --> 00:17:48,232 -Ladies and gentlemen, mike and mark critch! 449 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,034 -[applause and cheering] -oh! 450 00:17:50,103 --> 00:17:52,169 -You've been great, folks! Ha... 451 00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,505 -Let's hear it! Come on, come on! 452 00:17:54,541 --> 00:17:56,307 Adult mark (v.O.): I was caught red-jacketed. 453 00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:59,243 I knew dad was furious, but his yelling was drowned out 454 00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,245 By sweet, merciful laughter. 455 00:18:01,380 --> 00:18:02,980 It really was the best medicine. 456 00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:05,116 Mike sr: This is the height of ignorance! 457 00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:06,317 I've never been so embarrassed! 458 00:18:06,452 --> 00:18:07,652 Ted: Hey, mr. Critch! 459 00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:09,053 Hey! 460 00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,053 It's great to meet you. 461 00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,522 I'm a long-time listener. 462 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:12,990 -Buddy, you got some nerve, 463 00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:14,392 Having a youngster in here underage! 464 00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,393 I could call the cops and have their license revoked 465 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:17,528 And you up on charges. 466 00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,664 -It's not his fault, dad! I gave him a note. 467 00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:21,632 -It's not enough to make fun of me on stage? 468 00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:24,201 You gotta go around forging my signature, too? 469 00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,337 We're leaving. -Hey, hey, hey. 470 00:18:26,472 --> 00:18:27,872 Hey, before you go, uh... 471 00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:29,273 This is for you. 472 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,407 -What is it? 473 00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,743 -It's your cut of the door. 474 00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:34,946 You're not an amateur anymore, kid. 475 00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:36,514 You're a pro. 476 00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:37,882 Adult mark (v.O.): A pro! 477 00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:38,882 -We're leaving. 478 00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:40,885 [mark sighs] 479 00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:43,955 -Aw, but I wants to see the fella with the puppet! 480 00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:46,557 -[applause and cheering] -ted: Okay, that's it, folks. 481 00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:48,826 Thank you very much and goodnight! 482 00:18:53,032 --> 00:18:55,432 Adult mark (v.O.): I'd never seen my dad this angry. 483 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,101 I made a mental note to remember it for my act. 484 00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:01,572 -I have never been more humiliated. 485 00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:03,374 -I'm sorry, dad, I... 486 00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:05,509 It was just a joke. 487 00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:08,246 -Is that what I am to you? A joke? 488 00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:10,581 -No, no, no. 489 00:19:10,716 --> 00:19:11,515 I... 490 00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:13,784 If I wanna be really funny, 491 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:15,653 I have to talk about my real life. 492 00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,387 -And what about my life, hey? 493 00:19:17,423 --> 00:19:19,056 What if my boss had been there? 494 00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,325 He would have thought I'd given you my work coat! 495 00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:22,727 I'd be de-patched! 496 00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:25,196 Impersonating a vocm employee in public! 497 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,999 Good god! 498 00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:29,133 -I'm sorry. 499 00:19:29,268 --> 00:19:31,602 I should've talked to you about it first. 500 00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,339 I just wanted to be liked. 501 00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:37,341 I wanted to be like you. 502 00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,411 Dad... 503 00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:42,413 Everybody loves you. 504 00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:48,019 [mike sr. Sighs] 505 00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:51,755 [poignant music] 506 00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:53,424 Adult mark (v.O.): I was in big trouble. 507 00:19:53,559 --> 00:19:54,892 But it was worth it. 508 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:58,429 I was a 14 years old and I was a professional comedian. 509 00:19:58,431 --> 00:19:59,830 Technically. 510 00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:01,966 -Late last night... 511 00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,634 Adult mark (v.O.): I'd lied more than pinocchio 512 00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:06,170 To book my first gig, but I'd learned how important it is 513 00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:08,105 To tell the truth onstage. 514 00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:11,108 And when it came to stages, it didn't matter where it was, 515 00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:12,843 But what you said on it. 516 00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:14,044 -...With a moose on it. 517 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,280 [laughter] 518 00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:18,015 -Two men dead... 519 00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:18,883 One seriously. 520 00:20:19,018 --> 00:20:20,184 [laughter] 521 00:20:20,319 --> 00:20:22,085 Adult mark (v.O.): The most personal things in life 522 00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:24,088 Can also be the most universal. 523 00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:26,323 Comedian: [tv] 'cause that's where all the rock stars 524 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:27,825 Shop for their guitars. 525 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:30,494 Adult mark (v.O.): We have more in common than we think. 526 00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:34,131 [sound of tv playing] 527 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,735 ♪ 528 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:41,005 ♪ 529 00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:45,843 ♪ 530 00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:48,612 ♪ 531 00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:50,514 ♪ 532 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,816 Adult mark (v.O.): The most important thing of all 533 00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:55,218 Is to be able to laugh at yourself. 534 00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:56,954 [mike sr. Chuckles] 535 00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:03,961 -"mike critch for the vocm news... Service!" 536 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:06,163 Thank you. 537 00:21:06,232 --> 00:21:09,934 [applause and cheering] 538 00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:13,037 ♪ 539 00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:15,940 ♪ 540 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,309 Thank you! 541 00:21:23,049 --> 00:21:27,251 ♪ 542 00:21:27,253 --> 00:21:30,921 ♪ 543 00:21:30,990 --> 00:21:34,592 ♪ 544 00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:38,129 ♪ 545 00:21:38,264 --> 00:21:41,932 ♪ 546 00:21:42,068 --> 00:21:45,736 ♪ 547 00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:50,074 ♪