- Oh, you two look so cute.
What's your name?
Why would she do that?
- Melanie, it's Vivek.
You came to talk to my class, Corp Finance.
- Right, Northwestern. How are you?
- Your whole talk about rising the ranks at Myrtle & Smith,
it really stuck with me.
- I'm so happy to hear that.
- Listen, you caught vibes that day.
I did, too.
I got the keys to my parents' car.
- Excuse me?
- I eat it all.
- What's goin' on, Mel?
Is he lost?
- Plenty of room for three in the Highlander.
Seats fold down.
- Is he? Oh, gross.
I could be your aunt.
Wait, aren't you Bhavani's kid?
- Yeah, so?
- She's my second cousin.
I'm literally your aunt, you sicko.
Touch my feet.
Touch hers, too.
Y'all are just getting younger and pervier.
Scram!
- Thanks for swooping in. - Of course.
Can we leave now?
You know, Indians make me uncomfortable.
- Being Indian, you're gonna have to get over that one day.
- You know what I mean.
We're Indian, but this is like Indian.
I'm not interested in being around gossiping demon aunties
and guessing what uncles ate for dinner.
- It's not that bad.
- Aloo palak. Yeah, that was aloo palak.
- And you know we can't leave.
Rishi's on his way and I haven't seen him-
- In a whole month. I know.
I've been counting down the days till I lose you forever.
- I'm not going off to war.
- But, we finally got a chance to hang out.
After what? Like two years.
Just like the old days.
You should really reconsider the thrupple option.
I'd let Rishi hit it if it meant making us work.
Oh, this is all really happening, huh, Melanie?
- I love him, Surina.
And once we set a date, we'll buy a place together.
And have dinner parties. And buy matching pajamas.
And start our own book club.
It'll all come together.
- I know you're describing what you think are
really nice things, but I'd rather jump off a building.
Oh.
Ah shit, Ameet's delaying my check.
- Why are you still working for him?
- Oh, I don't work for him. I just do gigs kinda
exclusively for him for an agreed amount of money.
- Oh God, it's Parveen Auntie.
- You think if we just stand still, she won't see us?
- She's not a T-rex.
- Beti, I haven't seen you in ages.
How's school, Surina?
- I graduated eight years ago.
- So, when's the wedding, darling?
- We're still figurin' out a date.
- Really? It's been what? Four years?
- One year. We're just taking our time.
- Well, good for you.
All these women out there, getting married,
having kids, moving on in the world.
You have every right to do what you want and be stuck.
- I didn't say I was stuck.
- You know what I mean. Not excelling or whatnot.
Anyway, so good to see you two.
Good luck on the exams.
- I want to hate her so bad, but goddammit, she thinks I look 22.
It's so conflicting.
- Ah, there's my cuntús.
- Hey Sheila. - Hey Sheila.
- Sorry I'm late, I had to take Shawn Mendes for a walk.
- Oh, that's a cute name for a dog.
- Dog?
You know, I've never been to one of these before.
It's so cute. It's like a little refugee camp.
- It's the first day of Diwali.
The festival of lights.
It's where you buy something precious
as a token to the goddess Lakshmi.
- Honey, you had me at buy something.
- Did you tell her we were coming here?
- Look, I know she's a little off.
- A little off?
Do you remember her birthday party?
- Yeah, it was a karaoke party.
Amazing hot wings.
- It was a karaoke sex party.
- Yeah, I guess it got a little out of hand
when she brought out the kiddie pool full of ball gags.
But come on. She seems super lonely.
I mean, she has no one except Shawn Mendes.
- Is this a night light? How fun.
I'll catch you in a bit.
Do you take Bitcoin?
- Oh God, if it isn't the two Indian girls
with the white names.
- Literally, the first thing people think about
when they hear Surina is a famous Black tennis player.
So, checkmate, Kavita.
Oh, I see your minions are multiplying.
- Funny. I'm their dance teacher.
Oh, I hope you're not shopping for your wedding, Mel.
These places don't take returns.
- Everyone knows Desis don't do long engagements,
so, something must be going on.
- Nothing's going on.
We're just taking our time.
- Don't you have something better to do like spend your
dad's hotel empire money?
- Okay, first off, they aren't hotels.
They're a boutique bungalow experience.
And second, I earn my own money.
I'm the company's brand ambassador.
- You run the TikTok page.
- Four million followers and counting.
And please tell me.
What do you do besides being dead weight?
- Oh, you mean other than railing your brother?
- You stay away from Rahul.
- Okay. Okay, come on, guys.
- Word to the wise, Mel.
Choose quality friends
or they'll drag you into the gutter with them.
- I'm sorry I took your brother's virginity.
- God, she's so mean.
She didn't used to be like this.
- Yeah, being in the Desi dance competition scene
can ruin you.
Remember when we almost joined that bhangra cult?
- Rishi!
- Oh, I'm gonna give you guys some time.
I guess you should catch up
on 401k plans and container options.
- Sorry I'm late, I came straight from the airport.
- It's okay. I missed you so much.
- Hey, listen, can we have a second to talk?
- Yeah, sure.
But let's grab seats first. The dances are starting.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Keep the fuck up, Preeti.
- Yo, yo, yo.
I know you didn't get enough last month during Navratri,
so, the dance floor is open for some dandiya raas.
- You're so quiet.
- I know. It's just...
- What is it?
- It's just that I... No, hold on. Wait.
- All right, come on up. Don't be shy, don't be shy.
Come bust a move. It's fine.
- Remember our couple's intake?
We have to communicate.
- I know. I'm trying.
It's just that this isn't the most ideal setting.
- Radical honesty, Rishi.
- What does that even mean?
- It's the radical honesty sign.
- Well, it's honestly stupid.
- We agreed to do this, Rishi.
It was part of the plan.
- That's just it.
It's, it's your plan.
It's always your plan. I-I-I can't do this anymore.
You want radical honesty, Mel?
Here it is.
I've been sleeping with Brandi.
- Oh, that's messed up.
- Your old project manager?
- I didn't go on a business trip.
I went to Bali with her.
It was the best month of my life.
I'm flying out to LA to be with her.
- Are you okay, Mel? I know this stick isn't sharp,
but I think I can stab him in that soft spot behind his knee.
- I'm sorry.
- We were supposed to be happy together!
- Yo, yo, yo, hey. Security to the stage,
security to the-
- I hate you! You cheated on me!
Fuck you!
- Yo, we don't have security. - Go to hell!
- So, everybody just protect yourselves.
- Stop! Stop! - Lying piece of shit.
I hate you!
- For the love of God. - Hey, hey, yo, yo.
- I hate you, you--aah! - Stay.
Thank you, Mr. Henderson.
I will for sure follow-up with you.
Happy birthday.
- Are you sure you don't need anything?
I can order you lunch or torch his clothes.
- Thanks, but I'll pass.
- You never let me torch anything.
- I can't believe he did this.
And I assaulted him.
- That was the best part of the night.
That's the Mel I love.
Like that time when you got dumped by that guy,
so you dated his landlord and increased his rent.
- This wasn't supposed to happen.
- We'll figure this out together, okay?
I gotta head to Ameet's.
Oh, by the way, don't Google "stick girl".
- Wait, what? - Okay, byeeee!
- We were supposed to be happy together.
- Stop, stop, stop.
- You fucking lying piece of shit!
I hate you! You freaking idiot!
I hate you! You cheated on me!
- I can explain.
- I know as a woman of color
that you aren't often seen
in the same way that I, a cisgendered,
heterosexual male, man. Not mailman.
Man, A-N.
And I know sometimes things can get taken out of context.
- I will murder you. Murder!
- I'm sorry. It wasn't my best moment.
- Every moment is your moment.
Womoment. As an ally, I see you.
Inclusively.
- I think you might just be saying a lot of different words.
- Very important words.
I'll cut to it.
One of our biggest clients is coming in Monday.
And if they saw this wrong representation,
they just wouldn't get it.
White people, am I right? Burn it down.
Just burn it down.
I think you should take some time to heal.
I'll float the project to Jake.
- So, you're taking me off a project
and basically suspending me for a week?
- Think of it as an early secular Christmas gift
without pay. Cool?
- I guess so. - Great.
I'm really glad we were able to hold space for that.
And that's it.
If you could just close the door on your way out?
Thanks.
Hey, solidarity.
- Surina, I hired you to make a website
and run the social media pages.
As an entrepreneur- - You deliver food
for your parents' restaurant
and sell stolen iPhones to middle schoolers.
- You botched my Diwali campaign.
- I didn't botch anything. The Instagram impressions were
amazing considering how awful the idea was.
- David Diwali could've captured the hearts and minds
of this nation if you did your job right.
I mean, look at him. He could've been the next
Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, SpongeBob even.
- David Diwali looks like he abducts children.
- How dare you.
Look, you didn't fulfill your end of the agreement,
so, I'm putting you on a tab.
You'll get your paycheck once you work off what you owe me.
- What? Screw that.
- No screwing, just realness.
- You're actually being serious?
- Yeah.
Welcome to the school of hard knocks, Surina.
Dog eat dog. No pain, no gain.
Life takes no prisoners.
- Take this as a lesson in responsibility.
Maybe it'll help you get your shit together.
- You're lucky your parents make good food.
- Clay Oven Restaurant. This is Ameet.
Oh, hi Auntie.
Yes, I'm doing good.
No, no, I'm, I'm still single.
- I hate always waiting in line here.
- Gilpreet's chai is like crack. Just be cool.
- If he says something, I swear I'm going to boycott this place.
- Hi, Uncle Ji. Happy Diwali.
I hope you're having a wonderful, blessed day.
We'll have two chais, please.
- We'll have two chais, please.
Speak in Punjabi. - We don't speak Punjabi.
- Speak Hindi then. Something.
Respect the homeland.
- Trust me, us not speaking the language
is respecting the homeland.
- I survived partition for this?
Wannabee Lindsay Lohan and Kendall Jenner?
- Didn't realize I ordered chai
with a side of misogyny today.
- Next.
- Next time, we boycott this place.
There is nothing better than a hot-ass chai
after a long-ass day.
- Don't hate me, but I reached out to Rishi.
We're gonna meet up before his flight tomorrow.
- What? No!
- We have to talk this through.
- Don't do this, Mel.
This is a gift from the heavens.
Just move on like it never happened.
- But we worked.
We have the same interests and goals.
I mean, we both love fondue, and we get really creative with it.
Like last time we got persimmons-
- Again, I know these are being described as nice things,
but I will jump off a building.
And more importantly, he cheated on you.
- I obviously respect myself enough
to not go crawling back to him, but I just,
I need to understand what happened.
We can't just erase everything we had.
- Since you're part of the hive.
- Here you go. Hey, say no to drugs.
Super fan.
- Yeah, Sanjay, most adult men don't gloat about
taking pictures with young boys.
- What can I say?
You win one spelling bee and you're a hero for life.
I'm like their Lebron James.
Nothing but vowels.
- You just wake up in the morning with no clue, huh?
- Whatever.
Um, have you all seen this?
- ♪ Beat that boy with a stick, boy ♪
♪ Light him up like a Bic, boy ♪
♪ Dang that fool was a cheat, boy ♪
♪ Now he gonna get de-stroyed ♪
♪ She's a stick girl in a stick world ♪
- That's actually pretty catchy.
I mean, I wouldn't make it my ringtone or anything.
But definitely a top contender for the workout playlist.
- Surina. - Sorry.
That was an abomination.
- You know, I heard what Rishi did
and maybe this is for the best.
That big fall from grace, so you truly appreciate
what's right in front of you
like, literally in front of you.
- At least simp with some dignity, Jesus.
- What am I gonna do, guys?
- I'll tell you what you're certainly not doing
is brooding until you talk with Rishi tomorrow.
This is Diwali.
I propose a full weekend social banger extravaganza.
- That sounds like way too many words.
- They're all equally important.
- No, I'm just gonna stay home
and crawl under my weighted blanket.
- Oh, I totally get it.
It does wonders for the nervous system.
- No one cares, Friendzone Freddy.
Just give me the weekend, Mel.
You gotta release all this energy
and bring back that bad bitch I once knew.
And you can only do that by getting intensely hammered.
Look... - Yeah.
- Whatever happens with Rishi, happens.
But the only way you're gonna find closure in this
is with a big ol' Rishi purge.
You know, wash that mofo out of your soul.
- I just miss him.
- I get that.
But weekend social banger extravaganza.
Weekend social banger extravaganza.
Weekend social banger extravaganza!!!
- Okay. - Yes!
- Oh, it's Sheila.
She's asking if we're going to her thing tonight.
- We're not going.
And more importantly, she's crazy.
- Kismet. Tell her we'll be there.
- Absolutely not.
- Uh-uh, we're jumping out of that comfort zone.
Embrace it, Mel. Two chais to go!
- Get the hell out of my store! - Okay!
- It's like everywhere you go, Christmas,
it's just in your face.
It's like capitalism on steroids.
Is anyone even celebrating Diwali right now?
It's only celebrated by about a billion people.
- Exactly. Yes.
- That's why I appreciate Indian culture so much.
You all just have this natural spiritually, you know?
You're just so connected with the earth.
- And there it is. - There it is.
- Excuse us.
- You heard the lady. Beat it.
- Wait. Scripps National Spelling Bee champ '04?
Oh, you killed "insouciant". Can I get a picture?
- Well, since you're part of the hive.
- Buzz, buzz. - Buzz, buzz.
- Look, this is just a primer.
I promise you things will get better.
Weekend social banger extravaganza.
- Who let the hos out?
Terrible news about Rafiki. - Rishi.
- What did I say? Bit of advice, vaginoplasty.
- What?
- No one wants a loose, sloppy vagina, Melanie.
Flapping around like a lost sailboat at sea.
Ew, mayday.
- Kavita's here? - I know, right?
I hate that bitch, I don't know why she's even here.
I love her, though.
I can't wait to go to her Diwali party tomorrow night.
- Wait, what?
- Diwali is the festival of lights.
It's celebrated over the course of five days,
something about a goddess-- - I know what Diwali is.
I told you what Diwali is.
Kavita's having a party tomorrow?
- Yeah, why else would she invite me?
- Sheila, we didn't get invited.
- Why didn't you just say that?
It's 2021, you gotta use your me too big-girl words, honey.
- Who cares.
She's a total bitch and her party will suck balls.
- I know but the principle. She probably invited Rishi.
- Rafiki.
That is odd that you didn't get an invite, though.
I mean, all the browns are going.
It's gonna be the event of the year.
Oh, for the love of God, Shawn Mendes.
No, that will stain. Use seltzer!
- That's not Shawn Mendes.
- Shawn Mendes, uh,
son of the billionaire Venezuelan oil tycoon?
I think I know who Shawn Mendes is.
Don't forget your gift bags.
- A few shots and we're gone. I promise.
- Thirty-five carats cut to perfection.
Mined in Kolkata.
Do you know it took me almost a decade
to get my hands on this one?
- It's gorgeous.
- It's more than gorgeous.
I'd let it slowly penetrate me to R&B music.
- That feels like a lot.
- So, Montecito's men will be with you shortly.
Be discreet, all right?
Make it a clean transaction.
Bring the suitcase of money to the office, okay?
- I won't let you down, Percy.
- Don't use my name. Or yours, you idiot.
Just talk in codes or something, Jesus.
- My nose is real but tell everyone it's fake.
- There you go.
- Thanks, Kal Penn.
- Oh, just Kal is fine.
You doing okay? You're on your third one.
- It's just been a long week.
I didn't know you bartended.
- Oh, this is just to prep for a role.
You know, I try to embody the characters that I'm playing.
It's a thing that actors do all the time.
So today I am a bartender.
You know Emma Stone was checking IDs last week
to prep for some role she had.
You know Betty White?
Like a month ago, she was siting exactly where you were
just getting completely shit house hammered
on Japanese whiskey and Hot Pockets.
- That's a lot.
Wait, so is that Tituss Burgess prepping?
Let me guess.
He's playing a mysterious loner who was
at the top of his game only to take a turn for the worst.
- No, he's not prepping, Mel.
- What do you want from me?
I can't be fabulous all the time.
It's always like, Tituss, what are you wearing?
Tituss, be the life of the party.
I mean, here I am having a damn Bahama Mama
in these ill-fitted pants and I'm proud of it.
- I'm so sorry. - I'm so sorry.
You don't get to apologize.
You beautiful, beautiful woman person.
Kal, put this on her tab.
And no one, no one should be allowed to have hair that silky!
- Well, it was good to see you, Mel.
I've got to go to a meat plant.
God, it's a complicated role.
- Did the bartender just leave?
- Yeah. Do you want this?
I didn't touch it.
- Yeah, I hate to waste free booze.
- Oh, geez, wow.
- Well, hard times call for hard solutions.
I'm Melanie.
- I'm Drake Doolittle.
- Your name is Drake Doolittle?
- Drake Doolittle, yeah.
It's part French and uh, lower Italian.
Excuse me. Be right back.
- Okay.
- Who is he? Hit it, uh, uh, uh.
- I don't know. I just met him.
I'm not gonna sleep with anyone.
- Here, you can do it behind my coat.
No one will see.
It has pockets.
- Surina, Rishi and I, we're...
We need to figure it out.
- Oh, so as you are figuring it out,
Rishi gets to stick his dick into other girls,
but how come you can't get to stick your dick in...
You know what I mean.
- Yeah, so the deal's gone bad.
They don't know what you look like, so get out of there.
- Wait, it can happen that fast?
- Yeah, I decided that I'd rather keep the diamond.
But hurry, they're basically
looking for any guy by themselves.
- Dammit.
- Hot guy coming.
So, Mel is a huge catch and she's been in this
shitty relationship for like a billion years.
So, she's looking for some no strings attached action.
Also, she's getting her vag tightened.
It won't flap around like a lost sailboat at sea.
- Surina.
- That is a fantastic idea. - What?
- Yeah, let's do it. Off we go.
- You have an accent? That's so hot.
Say crikey, where'd me kangaroo go?
- Yeah, we have gotta go. Come on, off we go.
- Where are we going?
- Oh, don't forget your gift bags.
- Wait, who the hell is that guy?
- Not you.
- What are you doing? - Security check.
You're fine.
- What was that about?
It's cold out here.
Listen, you can't just drag me around like a rag doll.
- Type your number in. - Yes, daddy.
No, wait, I'm in a relationship.
Sort of. It's complicated.
We can't do this. I didn't wax.
- I'm gonna call you very, very soon
because you have something special that I need.
You got it?
- I haven't done this in three years.
Is this flirting? Did you just turn me down?
It's very difficult to make sense out of this situation.
Call me.
- Oh, back already?
The hot ones are always minute men.
All good. We'll find another.
- Do you know what? Let's get drunk.
- Yeah!
- Shit.
Surina, wake up.
- No, Frosty, the buttons.
They're sewing them on to your skin.
Ow, what?
- I'm supposed to meet Rishi.
- Oh, weekend social banger extravaganza!
Let's go, Diwali!
- Anyone want an omelette? Frittata?
Who the hell is that? - Oh, Jerry.
Met him at the bar.
- I hope you guys like scrambled.
- Prince Charles is easier to get ahold of than you two.
So, this is how the 99% lives.
- Sheila, what are you doing here?
- There is a pressing matter that we need to resolve at once.
Kavita didn't get her gift bag.
- We didn't take her gift bag.
Did you take her gift bag?
- Gift bags are for deserving people.
That's all I'm gonna say.
- Okay, great. Check that off the list.
One more thing, all of your lives are in grave danger.
- What? - What?
- My ex, not the last one, but the one before
the one before that.
- Oh, you mean the 96-year-old you married for money?
- I loved Archibald
and those were the best 32 days of my life.
I'm talking about my ex, Percy.
- Is he on his deathbed too? - Do you kiss your mother
with that filthy, sarcastic whore mouth?
Ah, let me just show you.
Him.
He owns a small blood diamond operation.
I let him use my bar as the drop-off spot
and well, the deal went bad.
- Blood diamond operation?
You've got to be kidding me.
- And what does bad mean?
- Wait, that's the guy who was hitting on me.
Drake Doolittle.
- That's seriously his name?
- Yeah, he's part French, part lower Italian.
- Mm, so much better than upper Italian.
Do not let those people in this country.
- He was using me as some sort of decoy?
- Obviously. His name is Daniel
and he put a 35-carat diamond in your gift bag.
And now all your lives are in danger.
- Wait, hold up.
So that catch of a lifetime put a diamond
in Mel's gift bag?
So, a big-ass diamond probably worth millions
is in this apartment right now?
- Twelve million, but yes.
- Holy shit. Let's not give it back.
- A person once put one over on Percy,
and well, he scooped his eyeballs out
and served it to him on an ice cream cone.
- Let's definitely give it back.
- Mm... - Mm...
Where's the gift bags?
You put them right here.
Sunjay, do you have the bags?
- Hold your horses. Breakfast is almost ready.
- No, no, no, no, no. Ameet.
- Oh yeah, Ameet came over.
We ordered Indian food from his parent's place last night.
Oh, should I make pancakes instead?
- Wait, Ameet has the diamond?
That idiot you work for? - Do gigs for.
- So, what should I tell Percy then?
- Why? Is he on the phone right now?
- I don't like texting.
It makes my fingers wrinkly, and I just got them Botoxed.
Well, that was rude.
- I don't want my eyes scooped. I like my eyes.
It's one of my best features next to my cheekbones.
- Really? I'd rate cheekbones first.
Look, you're not gonna get scoopy-eyed.
I can fix this.
We go to Ameet's, get the bags, and done.
- Oh, perfect.
- Ah, but wait, Sheila. You're on the hook too.
If we can't fix this, Percy will probably scoopy-eye you.
- He wouldn't dare scoopy-eye me.
No one scoopy-eyes Sheila.
If anything, I'm the one that does the scoopy-eying.
- Why don't you call and ask him?
- Hmm.
- So, we do this, and you get us into Kavita's Diwali party.
- Are you seriously bargaining over possible death?
- Look, I hate that bitch, but it's the party of a lifetime.
Weekend social banger extravaganza.
- Well played, Surina. Well played.
It's a deal.
- I still have to meet Rishi before he flies out.
- We'll find the diamond, meet up with Rishi,
crash Kavita's party. Boom, figured out.
- Oh, this is fun.
It's like "Lord of the Rings".
I'm the beautiful elf princess
and you're my trusty, hairy hobbits.
Come on, Frodo.
- Hey, are you sure about this?
- When have I ever let you down?
- Third grade, Mrs. Finney's class when you said to jump
from the jungle gym on three and you chickened out.
- And that day you learned you're much braver than I am.
You're welcome. - When you totaled my car
and my parents grounded me for six months.
- Which made you anti-social, only study,
and landed you a full ride at Harvard.
Come on, girl. Through everything,
I've always had your back.
Trust me.
- Oh, should I wear the new-
- Pants, pants with the mm top? - Mm top?
- Yeah. - Yes.
Come on, Jerry.
- Dope.
- So let me get this straight.
You have no idea where the diamond is?
A $12 million diamond, that personally,
I would let caress my insides.
- I can find it.
I just need a little more time.
- Oh, Danny boy.
I brought you on to make my life easier,
not to create a bloody train wreck.
Don't get me wrong. I like you.
I do!
Yeah, I mean, you come highly, highly recommended.
- I will find it.
I don't want to end up like George.
- What do you mean?
- Ice cream scooped. You scoopy-eyed him.
- Whoops.
So, George has a congenital birth condition.
Yeah.
You've got to be more sensitive in the workplace, all right?
Not this ableist arsehole.
We had the whole HR meeting and everything.
- Yeah, yeah, look, I have her number.
- Oh.
- We can track her.
- There you go. Perfect.
Handle this. - Okay.
- I wouldn't want you to end up like Herman.
- Those bags are sold-a-mundo. Every last thing in them.
- You're kidding? - Oh, I thought you'd be happy.
Your tab is cleared and then some.
I mean, those bags were incredible.
Tiffany bracelet, Chanel wallet.
- Oh, honey, those bags were trash compared
to my next party.
You should come.
- I'm Ameet. - Sheila.
The party's gonna be catered by St Laurent.
They do food now.
- Wow. - Who bought the bags, Ameet?
- Ameet Corp LLC has a strict confidentiality policy
and uh, I'm not gonna violate it for you.
- Tell us who bought them.
- I knew this day would come.
Ah, the tension between us is so thick.
Why would you do that?
Please stop. Jesus Christ, okay.
I gave it to this couple, the Mittals, I owed them money.
- You owe them money? You owe me money.
- I know the Mittals.
They run that trendy, sustainable clothing line.
Which I do not understand.
Why would you wear clothes more than once?
- I'll tell. 6530 North Sedgewick Street.
- We can pick up the L around the corner.
- Hey, I'm coming back for my money.
- Bye, Melanie.
- People actually use this?
- You've seriously never been on the L?
- In a nightmare once.
Judi Dench was there too.
She wouldn't stop giving me marigolds.
You know I'd be willing to take you on.
- What? - For as long as I've known you,
you've been into Melanie.
Why haven't you asked her out yet?
- I don't know. I've tried, but...
she just sees me as this little- - Bitch?
- I was gonna say brother.
- But bitch is probably more appropriate.
- A little rude.
- I can help you. - Really?
- Listen, I'm no miracle worker.
- But? - No, that's it.
- Oh.
- So, we get to the Mittals, and then we're going to Rishi's.
- You'll have plenty of time to catch him before his flight.
You gotta admit, this is a little fun.
This is what a Rishi-free life looks like.
- Yeah, sign me up.
Nothing beats being chased by a homicidal maniac.
- You love me.
Oh shit, Daniel.
- Here's what's gonna happen. We're gonna go up those stairs.
You're gonna give me the diamond
and then we're all gonna walk away like this never happened.
- We don't have the diamond.
You have such strong arms. - I'm not playin' around.
- No, no, we're not lying.
We had the diamond in Mel's gift bag,
then this guy named Ameet, who I do gigs for, not work for,
took it because I owed him money,
then he gave it off to these greenwear entrepreneurs
because he owed them money.
See? It's a simple explanation, really.
So, your jawline, God made no mistakes.
- Enough! Start walkin'.
One peep and I pull the trigger.
- What the hell's going on?
- That is so Percy to send one of his henchmen to kill us.
- Shut up and get in front of them.
Move.
- Ah, I'm dangerous!
That bitch has a sai!
- Stop right there.
- Clever girl.
- That was smart. - Thanks.
- On the ground.
- I didn't think this far ahead though.
- On the ground!
- Sheila doesn't do ground.
- I just want to let you know you're all being detained
for carrying a deadly weapon.
- This is totally because we're brown.
This is systemic racism, xenophobia and frankly,
Islamophobia.
- Are one of you Muslim? - I am.
- I didn't know you were Muslim.
- Everyone's a little Muslim, Surina.
Get with the times.
Hi, excuse me, sir.
I can't be here with these people,
so, if you wanted to reach into my pocket,
there should be a fresh, crisp Franklin waiting for you.
Oh, actually I used that to shoo away an old woman.
Do you take Dogecoin?
- Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to shut up.
Get comfy 'cause y'all gonna be here for a while.
Wait a second.
You're famous.
- Oh, here we go again.
Scripps National Spelling Bee champ '04.
It happens all the time.
- I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Stick girl?
Yo, can I get a picture?
My girlfriend loves you.
Oh, the song, that remix.
♪ Yo, beat that boy with a stick, boy ♪
♪ Keep it thick like say what ♪
- Yep, that's me. I'm stick girl.
- You sure are.
Just right there. Oh, that's a good one.
That's a good one.
That song is a bop, okay?
It's like if someone bottled up the music of a generation
and served it on ice on a hot day.
Ah. Okay, real quick just...
- Jerry, don't. - It's all good.
Tonight is Diwali.
A special holiday about friendship,
love and camaraderie.
This is your journey.
Stay fresh, girl.
- Feast on this, pigs!
- Freeze!
- Run for it!
Remember me.
- Don't leave me.
- Damn you, stick girl.
- Did we lose Surina and Mel?
How are you not out of breath?
- Oh, I got a lung transplant a couple of years ago.
- I didn't know that. What was wrong?
- Nothing. I just wanted new lungs.
Anyway, I'm glad we're alone.
We can finally start the first session of the Sheila method.
- Oh.
Ow. Wh-- Ow. Why?
Ah, stop that!
- You're pathetic.
You've spent your life following a girl
who doesn't even like you.
You're always wearing the same Express sweater-shirt combo.
And you reek of CK One.
You are weak.
- Wait.
- I hope Sheila and Sunjay are okay.
- They're not answering.
- We have to call the police.
- Are you kidding me? I'm not going out like Jerry.
And he's white.
- How did Daniel even find us?
He must've tracked us with our phones.
- Oh, that gorgeous, clever son of a bitch.
We gotta break 'em.
- We gotta what?
- Here. Give me your phone.
Trust me. I binge Mr. Robot.
Okay, we gotta break yours first.
- Why mine first?
- Yours is an 11. Mine's a 12.
- What difference does that make?
- We should break the lower model one first.
- Well, it's basically the same except for the camera.
- Not true, the 11 can only manage 996 by 1820,
a meager 452... Okay, we do them both at the same time.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
- Aah! - Aah!
It was the right thing to do.
- We could've just put them in a locker.
Also, he wasn't tracking yours.
He only had my number.
- Shh, Mel. It was the right thing to do.
- Wait, we're here.
- Oh, thank God.
- We need a plan. - Right.
We go in and say, hey, can you give us the diamond?
And then they give it to us. - That's not gonna work.
They may not even know they have it.
- How do you miss a 35-carat diamond?
- You know sometimes when something is way down
in a gift bag, it like, mixes with the paper stuffing.
And if it's a lot of stuffing, there's just a lot of folds
and crevices to navigate.
- Right, I never thought about it like that.
Mel, no.
- Namaste. - Namaste.
- I didn't know Indians could appropriate their own culture.
- Seriously.
- Who wants some small bites?
- What? No way. Look at this spread.
- We make it a point to feed any guest who comes to our home.
It's such a privilege for us to provide.
- It's a privilege to consume.
- I hope you don't mind we eat with our hands here
like our ancestors.
- How else am I supposed to honor them?
- So, I know this is really random,
but you got something from Ameet yesterday at his restaurant.
In one of those bags was a-
- Oh, I know what you're talking about. That was yours.
- Yeah. - Let me go get it.
- So what color is your aura today?
Mine's fuchsia.
- Those were in the gift bag?
- Oh, this was just a sampling.
There were vibrators, ball gags, anal beads, anal probes,
anal tinglers, anal tumblers, prostate pinchers,
prostate punchers.
- No, but the punchers were more of a pinch, babe.
- Oh, that's right.
Questionable marketing with those.
- Jesus, Sheila.
- No, no, no, no, it was more something
that you don't stick in you.
- Oh, but you don't stick this in you.
It's a clitoral stimulator.
It goes right under the clitoral hood just like that.
- Can you see? It's right...
- You know what? Let me just show you.
- Oh, I'm fine. - No, it's okay.
She's a sex yogi. - I'm a sex yogi.
- I'm certified as well in case you're not comfortable
with same-gender intimacy.
Get the coconut oil. - No.
- I don't know, Mel. It might help loosen you up.
- Me and my clit are good. Just in here chillin'.
Not stimulating needed. We're here for the diamond.
- The diamond? - In a jewel box.
- We were very upset when Ameet gave us a diamond as payment.
When he knows that Lena and I believe
that diamonds carry very, very bad energy.
- I would never stick a diamond up my vagina.
- Baby, I wouldn't either. Come here.
- Yeah. Totally. So, can we have it?
- Yes. You'll take it?
- Absolutely.
- Oh my gosh, I'll go get it right now.
- Thank you so much.
- See? Told you we'd fix it. What?
- This isn't too Indian for you?
- No, I'm kinda diggin' it. Maybe I'm finding myself.
- You should feel a little bit of tingle.
- Do you have a phone I can use?
- Oh, no. We don't believe in cell phones here.
The only 5Gs we have are God, Greatness, Gratitude,
Graciousness and Grandness.
But we do have a landline in the guest room,
down the hallway, third door on the right.
Okay? Just past the manifestation fountain.
Do you wanna smoke?
- Uh, yeah. - Great.
- What is this? - That's a South Asian delicacy,
Malana cream, Himalayan hash.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh my God.
- I got the diamond.
- I have a thing to talk to you about.
A Nikki Haley thing.
- You can't just use the Nikki Haley code word
for anything, Mel. You're abusing the system.
- I need to show you something.
Are you high?
- Say hello to my little friend.
Whoa, did that sound racist?
I didn't mean for that to sound racist.
- Are you serious right now?
- Come on, take a hit. - Absolutely not.
- Why? You smoke all the time.
- I stopped for Rishi.
- I didn't know this.
- We made an agreement in therapy a couple of months ago.
He hates the smell.
- Oh, just as he agreed to not pound other vaginas for you.
- Surina, stop.
- I just find it so unbelievable Queen Kush
stopped smoking for a man.
- Well, Queen Kush smoked a lot in her life.
It's time for her to grow up.
- That's not the Queen Kush I know.
She'd never change for anyone.
- She's smart enough to make her own choices.
Why am I talking in the third person?
Here, give me that.
Happy? - Yes. Yes, I am.
- Jesus. When did weed get this strong?
- It's not weed.
It's Malana cream, Himalayan hash.
- What? - It's okay.
It's not as bad as...
Sorry, the walls were just talking to me.
They're really happy.
- No, no, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening.
- Okay, calm down. It's diluted.
It will wear off quickly.
Now what did you want to show me?
Is it in here? Is it a pedestal sink?
You know I fucks with pedestal sinks.
Holy Nikki Haley! - Please don't shut the door.
They're keeping us here against our will.
- Noted. Thank you.
Just one second, please. - Please help us.
- Oh my God. Oh my God. What are we gonna do?
- That's what I was saying, but no, you wanted
to smoke it up like Chong and Cheech.
- Cheech and Chong. - That's what I said.
- No, you said it reversed. Who does that?
- It's the same thing. It's two people's names.
- But never in that order. - Well, maybe Chong
wants to be first sometimes. - Hey, is everything
okay back there, girls?
Did you get lost by the manifestation fountain?
It happens all the time.
Literally and metaphorically by the fountain.
- Yeah, no, we're good.
We're just manifesting over here.
God, these people are psychos. We gotta get out of here.
That door. - We can't just leave them.
- What are we gonna do? Put them on our backs?
- I'm sorry, we'll try to donate to a reputable charity.
- Or request me on Venmo. At Surina not Williams.
David Diwali?
- You want some candy, kids?
Get in the van!
- Frosty! - Why?
Why would you sew buttons on to me?
- Aah! - Aah!
- Should we check on them?
- I'm sure they're fine.
Okay, I'm ready for my turmeric bath, baby.
- This is worth $12 million?
It looks like costume jewelry.
- Oh, smart.
Empty it all up 'cause we got tons of drinking ahead of us.
Oh, hey, we can pick up the L over there.
Head to Kavita's.
- No, I'm done. I'm not going to Kavita's.
- But we know Sheila's gonna be there.
We'll give her the diamond and then weekend social banger.
Did I miss something?
I thought we were having fun?
- How is this fun?
Somebody's been trying to kill us.
- Well, I mean, yeah, if you choose the one bad part,
it's not gonna sound great.
- I need to go to Rishi's.
- Why is it always about Rishi?
- Because at least I know what it is.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- When I'm with you, it's amazing,
but it's always pure chaos.
Hey, Surina, you want to hang out?
Sure. Explosion.
I just...
I can't do it anymore.
- I was just trying to help you have a good time,
have an amazing Diwali.
- Well, thank you, but I'm good.
- Ever since Rishi, you've become this over-protected,
watered-down version of yourself.
It's like I don't even matter.
- No, Surina. I became an adult.
Adults plan. - I plan.
- You change apartments every month.
- I'm a nomad at heart.
You know my 23andMe said I'm 40% Mongolian.
- Your dentist is some dude off Craigslist.
- Yeah, and I've only lost two teeth since.
- You graduate with honors, but you're still gig working
for a moron.
- That's just temporary.
- Look at your life, Surina.
I mean, what's your plan?
- I don't know, Melanie.
Can I say that? Is that okay?
I do not know. I don't have a plan.
You think I like living paycheck to paycheck?
Or crashing around at people's places being well aware
of how capable I am, but settling for less?
You're not the only one with big dreams, Mel.
Just 'cause my path isn't as neat as yours,
it doesn't mean I won't get there.
Rishi's place is just a few blocks away.
I'm sure you'll make it to him before he leaves.
Go!
- What are we doing?
We have to find Surina and Mel.
- Oh, Gucci.
- No, no, no! I'm not doing this anymore.
- Okay, Fendi, I understand, but Salvatore Ferragamo
does not deserve that. - Shut up!
Just for one second just shut your mouth.
You are literally batshit crazy.
A total complete lunatic.
And I think I figured out why.
Because in your real life, you're just a sad,
insecure rich girl that's been handed everything.
You're trapped in your boring, meaningless life.
You have no purpose.
I'm honestly embarrassed for you.
- Lesson complete. - What?
- You finally stood up for yourself.
You know your worth.
- Wait, is that what this was all about?
All the name-calling?
The pushing around?
That was all part of it?
- The Sheila method is cruel, but effective.
- That's why you threw me down a flight of stairs.
- Uh, yeah. Sure. That was part of it too.
One of the most important parts.
- Wow, I didn't know you had this side to you.
- Well, it's important to believe in yourself.
You'd be surprised what you can learn from your exes.
- You mean Percy?
The lunatic who's trying to murder us?
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go find Surina and Mel.
Thanks, Sheila.
- Who's gonna carry my bags?
Hi, excuse me, can you carry these?
I'll just rebuy.
- Come on, come on. Please be here.
- Melanie, my doll! - Fuck me.
- What happened to you?
- Just a long day.
- You look like a bus hit you.
- Yep.
- You know-
- I don't care, Parveen Auntie.
I just do not care.
- I was going to say, I have been there.
Hoping something would just work out because it fit.
I never married. Never had kids.
Hated myself for years because of it.
But why? Really, why?
Who cares what the world wants from you.
Fuck them.
What do you want?
- Hello? - Mel, is that you?
Hello? Mel?
- Where are you going?
- To save a friendship.
Happy Diwali.
- Happy Diwali.
Did she gain weight?
- Hey, I see you in there.
You just changed the sign when I got here.
- You crazy witch! Go!
- What do you want?
- I'm sorry, Surina.
- You have to do better than that.
- It was never about Rishi.
He was just some stupid safety net.
The truth is, I'm scared, Surina.
I always thought I had it all figured out.
And now I have no clue.
Like when am I going to brush my teeth tonight?
The thought of not knowing horrifies me.
I don't have the courage to do what you do.
You didn't deserve what I said to you.
Can you forgive me?
Can you forgive Queen Kush?
- Oh no, I'm finishing this time.
Ah, so good. Get me a waffle.
- I love you. - Oh, I love you, Mel.
Wait, how did you know I'd be here?
- There's nothing better than hot chai after a long-ass day.
- You guys are okay.
- Seven blocks we ran.
I did not buy new lungs to use them like this.
- We got the diamond too. - Finally.
- Mel, I want to tell you something.
- Not now, Sunjay. Everyone's having a moment.
- Shut it, Surina!
Melanie, I've been by your side for God knows how long,
through thick and thin.
You mean everything to me.
I know that there's something there between us
and I think you do too.
- We're actually all just going to Kavita's.
Can we talk about this later?
- Of course. Yeah, totally.
Not a problem.
- Wait, for real?
- It's the weekend social banger extravaganza,
isn't it? - Damn sure is.
- Percy, I have your silly diamond.
And if you think I'm gonna give it back,
you're out of your mind.
It's stood between us for long enough.
Your whore diamond's driving northbound.
Go find it yourself.
So, he wants to kill all of us now.
- What did you do, Sheila?
- We're going to die.
- Why does this keep happening?
- You lot are a bunch of bloody idiots, aren't ya?
- Just take it easy you.
Sorry, I just... Your eyes.
I always get lost in your eyes.
- All right, Percy has a very special surprise for you,
so, get in the car.
- There's no way in hell we're all gonna fit in that.
- You'll fit. It seats five.
Comfortably.
- I bet it gets great gas mileage.
- Great for the environment.
- Can you call a private car for me?
- Everyone shut up and just move!
- I can't get in. There's all these books.
- All right. Get out of the way.
Out of the way.
- You're taking the LSAT?
- What do you think I just woke up one day and was like,
ah, I'm gonna be a hitman?
- Oh, a lawyer.
I didn't think I could get any more turned on.
- Wow, look, you think this life is easy?
'Cause the hours are shit. I get zero time off.
I don't see the girlfriend. I don't have a 401k.
- You need the 401k. - Exactly.
I need the 401k.
Do you know how many times I've had to wash blood
out of these hands?
There is no moisturizer on earth
that is prepared for that.
They all want you to be a hitman,
but maybe I'm just a hitboy.
- Go. Get out of here.
- Did he say girlfriend? - Surina, come.
- Now I see, maybe throwing a $12 million diamond
in the back of a pickup truck was a bit of an overreaction.
You should appreciate how much I restrained myself.
That Percy is a two-faced fake.
- Hold up. What did you just say?
- Oh, Surina, I say a lot of things.
- What is it?
- Fake.
This is worth $12 million? It looks like costume jewelry.
Oh my God, how'd I not see this before?
We gotta get to the L.
- We need waters on four. I'll give you your waters.
Oh. Hey.
If you're gonna put stuff in my mouth,
I'm asking for consent first.
- I can't believe we're doing this again,
but where is the diamond, Ameet?
- Whatever do you mean?
- Not urinal mist. This is worse than tomato.
- Don't try me.
- Hey, it's in my pocket.
It's in my front pocket.
Melanie can get it.
- Gross.
- You know, you probably all got a lot closer
and cemented your friendship in a way you never saw before.
- Shut up. - Shut up.
- Sheila, call Percy.
Ugh, fine.
- Hello? - Hey listen, asshole,
we have the diamond. - And who is this?
- Surina. Your worst nightmare.
- Maybe a notch down.
- Your second to worst nightmare.
- Well, it is a pleasure to meet you, Surina.
- Don't hurt him.
- Oh, you want your friend back?
Well, then just bring the diamond by midnight
to Kavita's party. Okay?
- Even Percy got invited?
- You ready to do this?
Your place first?
- Yeah. Definitely.
- Actually, wait. One more thing.
- Ah, so you've come to apologize?
- No, I just realized life's too short
to waste on an egotistical asshat like you.
I quit.
- Those two are fucking right.
- Holy shit, it's freezing mother, bitch, cock balls.
- Ah, these earrings are killing me.
I totally forgot we have no phones to call for a Lyft.
- I'm not walking to the L in these heels.
- Kal Penn? - Kal Penn?
- It's just Kal. Do y'all need a ride?
- Where'd you get a rickshaw?
- Come on, Santa's got a sleigh. I have a rickshaw.
But really it's for a role, very complicated.
- Can you get us to River North?
- Yeah, hop in.
- Oh, you're going to Kavita's.
- You've heard about it too?
- Yeah, it's only the biggest party of the year.
- Do you want to join us? - No, I'm okay. Thank you.
- Let me guess, you're prepping for a role?
- No, I just don't wanna go. - Oh.
- Hey, before you go, can I impart some words of wisdom?
- Go for it, Kal Penn. - Oh, it's just...
Never mind.
So, look, when I was younger, my um, buddy and I uh,
we had this goal, right?
We wanted to get the best burgers in America.
Ah, we had ups. We had downs.
We rode a cheetah.
But the best part of that journey
wasn't those delicious sliders.
It was discovering things in our friendship
that we just didn't know were possible.
And that friendship blossomed warranting two sequels
and a successful franchise.
- Did you just outline the plot to-
- I think I'd know the difference between
a movie I was in and real life, Melanie.
- You literally just called it a franchise.
- Yeah, 'cause it's the franchise of my life.
Anyway, it really doesn't matter what you do.
What matters is who you do it with.
So uh, smile like there's no tomorrow.
Dance like no one's watching
'cause life's too short to miss out on memories.
- Do you take drugs?
- Always.
- Oh, perfect. There's Sheila.
- This is the party of the year?
I'm embarrassed for her.
Oh, kulfi.
- You really need to find a better way to greet people.
- No, this works for me. Move.
Come on, let's go.
- Yay, you're here.
I wish we could've met under better circumstances, you know?
But here we are.
The diamond.
I was such a fool to ever think about letting you go.
Daddy's learned his lesson, okay?
You can do whatever you want with me.
Not that. Oh, you're so naughty.
- So um, sorry to interrupt, but you got your diamond.
Can we have Sunjay?
- Yeah, right. Uh, Daniel,
kill him.
- No! - No!
- How did you think this would end?
- You don't have to do this.
- This is so cute. Are you gonna jump?
Oh, careful with the dresses.
It's very "Thelma and Louise".
Hated that movie.
- I ruined that dress I borrowed last month.
I really wanted a jelly donut and I thought, okay, Surina,
you've gotta eat this carefully. This is Mel's dress.
But you really can't eat a jelly donut carefully, can you?
- It's okay.
You're the best thing to ever happen to me.
- Me too. I love you.
- Oh my God, don't make this any harder than it already is.
Shall I count to three?
Yeah, okay. Uh, one.
- Sheila.
- I brought some ball gags along.
I figured a little sex party could spice things up.
They'll break your fall.
- I'm not jumping into that. No way.
- Are, are they used?
- Gently.
Come on, girls. Jump.
- I'm taking my chances on the concrete.
- Mrs. Finney's class. That was a total dick move,
but I'm with you now. Trust me.
- Two.
Three.
- No! No!
- I didn't see that coming.
- This is all your fault.
- Aaah!
Oh no, the diamond.
Help me find the diamond, you idiot.
- Percy, it's down the drain. We've got to get out of here.
Ah, ah, ah, actual bunch of--
- How's this for a change of pace?
- You always hurt the ones you love.
No, to the right. Your right.
- You are making the biggest mistake of your life.
Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am?
She-she. - Pe-Pe.
I didn't know they'd arrest you. You'll still call, right?
I can't live without your touch.
I'm gonna send you a really nice care package.
What's the address?
Just like...jail?
- So, are we superheroes now?
Is this our Avengers assemble moment?
- Some of us more than others.
- Oh shit, Kavita.
- You ruined my party and Diwali.
I swear to God, I will make it my absolute mission
to make sure all of your lives are a living hell.
- Maybe next time if you just invited us.
- Hey, Surina.
- Oh, if it isn't baby brother.
Call mommy when you're ready.
- Rahul! - Okay, okay.
- Oh, looks like someone missed his flight.
- Hey. - Hey.
Thought you had a flight.
- Some lady named Parveen just randomly showed up at my door
and cussed me out for an hour and she made me miss it.
I've been meaning to call you.
I shouldn't have told you the way that I did.
It was really awful of me.
I know you'll probably never forgive me
and I guess that's just something
I'm gonna have to accept.
- You lied and you cheated on me.
You really broke my heart, Rishi.
- I'm sorry.
- Look, I know we started to grow apart.
I wanted so badly to make it work.
That's why I kept forcing it.
It took me until today to realize that
we just wanted different things.
We were just too afraid to admit it to each other.
- Exactly.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
So, what do we do now?
- Well, it's just kinda anti-climactic, um,
I don't know, do you wanna throw a drink at me
and call me an asshole or something?
- Actually, yeah.
Do you mind?
- Go for it.
- Just um, not the eyes though.
- Okay, stand back a bit.
- Is here good? - Yeah, perfect.
Asshole.
- How was that? Was that good?
Oh, no.
- Oh my God, you're on fire.
- Was it that good? Really?
See, I knew I should've pursued acting,
but you know how Desi parents are.
Put it out. Help me.
- Holy shit, she just torched him.
- Is this part of the Diwali ritual
because this is very exciting.
- Oh, excuse me, I'd like to place my order.
- No, Sheila. It's not that kinda place.
- Do you think we'll ever get invited to anything ever again?
- Probably not.
I'm a bit more worried I should add attempted murder
to my resume.
- Oh, and arson.
- You know what?
I can get used to this.
Being on the fringe. My own person.
- Oh, I swiped something from Kavita's.
- Not again.
- We can't end the night without lighting a candle.
Happy Diwali, Mel.
- Happy Diwali, Surina.
- So, about that vaginoplasty. - Surina, no.
- Come on. No more flapping.
- It's another one from your girl, Lily
This right here's a special one
for all the brown girls out there.
♪ Beat that boy with a stick, boy ♪
♪ Light him up like a Bic, boy ♪
♪ Dang that fool was a cheat, boy ♪
♪ Now he gonna get de-stroyed ♪
♪ She's a stick girl in a stick world ♪
♪ Take your pick, girl, it's your boss world ♪
♪ You haven't heard, she's a stick girl ♪