[background chatter]
-All right, you ready to hear this? -No, but go on.
So, I'm walkin' along the High Line on my way to dinner
just to get a little hit of nature.
Plus, it's my secret shortcut in that part of town.
I don't need a tour guide. You're on the High Line, and then?
And I'm passing all these expensive new condos, thinking, "You know what?"
"You really must be a exhibitionist to live in one of these."
It's like a storefront window in Amsterdam where prostitutes advertise.
Not that I'm judgin' prostitutes. A girl gotta do what a girl gotta do.
-Suzanne! -Right.
So just as I had that thought,
I see Colin in one of these apartments
carryin' a bunch of movin' boxes
with Tyler.
[sighs]
Colin left me for Tyler?
Oh God, I wish I didn't see it. I'm always seein' shit I shouldn't be seein'.
I can't even get on a subway without a penis in my face.
Do you have any idea what a cliché move this is?
He is half Colin's age.
Yeah, it's the same thing men have been doin' to women forever.
Who knew gay guys were just as awful as straight guys?
Yeah, just with better haircuts.
Wait, how does Colin even know Tyler?
I have no id--
-Oh my God. -What?
They met at our company Christmas party this past year.
-I fucking introduced them. -[scoffs]
And later that night, we were looking at Tyler's Instagram account together
and laughing at his ridiculously thirsty selfies.
You know what? It sounds like you two
have a lot to discuss at your next therapy session.
Oh, no, no, we are done with therapy.
Colin texted me that there is "nothing more to work on,"
and now I know why.
-Oh, baby, I am so sorry. -Huh.
-Ugh. -[laughs] Ooh…
What are you doing? Wait, what--
-I have to let him know that I know. -Oh, no, no, no. No. Give me that.
-Are you kidding? -Give me this!
No angry texts, no drunk texts, no communication at all.
It makes you look weak. Plus, it doesn't work.
If it did, I'd be married eight times by now.
-[sighs] -Look.
I'm putting together the presentation for Claire Lewis.
Are you still gonna be okay to show Chrystie Street tomorrow?
If not, you know I got you, right?
Thanks, but I need to be working right now.
Work is what's going to keep me sane.
All right, well, this may sound crazy right about now, but…
-I really do believe in you and Colin. -[sighs]
He's a Scorpio, right?
Yeah, why?
Child, please, Scorpios can never make up their mind. You watch. He'll be back.
[suspenseful music playing]
[yells]
[suspenseful music fades]
[sighs]
[Netflix ident music]
[snarls]
[sighs]
[theme music playing]
[birdsong]
No.
No! No…
[echoing] No!
[gasping]
[sighs]
[alert chimes]
-[jazz playing] -F-- [groans]
-Michael. -Oh, hey, Diane, I'm really--
Colin's Architectural Digest ended up in my box again.
You know why I keep getting his magazines?
-Why? -Because you boys don't check your box.
And he's got an issue of The Economist just sittin' there on the ledge.
It's a common area.
Is he really so busy that he can't fetch his mail?
I got it.
If he wants last month's issue, it's in my bathroom.
Kidding.
-[jazz continues] -[distant car horns blaring]
Michael!
We've been here 15 minutes.
Is everything okay? Are you crying?
Oh, I'm fine. Allergies. I'm so sorry to be late.
It's a little rude, but we waited.
Thank you.
[man sighs]
So two split bedrooms, two full baths, and we are on the A line,
which is the best layout in the building.
It also has newly upgraded windows,
per a recent building assessment that you are not responsible for.
Why are they moving?
They have one child and another on the way,
so they are moving into something bigger in New Jersey.
Oh, how sad.
I grew up in New Jersey, so I feel your pain.
Where are you guys moving from?
We live separately in Brooklyn. This would be our first place together.
Huh!
That is so major.
It really is the best feeling in the world
to both find something that you love together and then call it your home.
-Home is where the heart is. -Exactly.
And where it should stay.
Do you mind if we wander around on our own?
Yeah, yeah. Take your time.
How's your hot husband?
Fine. Why?
I'm just asking. You got really lucky.
[gasps]
[sighs]
[both laughing]
[woman] Stop!
It's not even officially on the market yet.
It's an estate sale. The family just wants to get rid of it.
-That's why it's so cheap. -Did somebody die in here?
-[laughs] No, they'd have to disclose it. -Good. You know I'm afraid of ghosts.
Well, if I see any, I will invite them out to…
-[Colin gasps] -…our terrace!
-Wow! -I know!
So I ran the numbers, and if we both break open our piggy banks
and scrape together the down payment,
our monthly would be cheaper than living apart.
You gonna make me throw dinner parties and have game nights and friends?
Yes.
Good.
-Okay. -[chuckling]
-[Michael] Hmm? -[Colin] Mm.
I bet your husband has some hot friends. Fix me up.
[scoffs]
[sighs]
I think they're going to make an offer.
You'll have to get 'em up to two. We already turned down 1.9.
-When? -Last month. They don't need the money.
Everyone needs the money. Except maybe you don't.
With your hot, rich husband.
We have our own separate bank accounts. It's not any of your fuckin' business.
Why so touchy? I was just making conversation.
It's really nice.
Can we have a minute to sit here and feel the vibe of the place?
Sure, yeah. Take all the time you need. I'll wait for you in here.
[sighs]
Motherfucker!
We're leaving, but they love it. I'll see if I can nudge them up to two.
I like them.
I'd really like to see them get this.
I don't trust you.
Is there something wrong with the apartment? Noise?
Mice? A bad smell?
It's better you tell me now.
Nothing, I promise.
I'm just rooting for love.
This is who Colin left me for.
[Billy] Oh!
He's cute. How old is he?
He's not cute. He's diabolical. And that blond hair looks like a dye job.
I wonder how I'd look with blond hair. It would really pop on screen.
So how did you find out?
Suzanne. She saw them together moving into Colin's new apartment.
What kind of friend tells you these things?
What, was she gonna not tell me? She saw them.
Is that the hot guy you hate from work?
-I think I follow him. -Unfollow him.
This is from our company's Christmas party. I introduced them.
-[sighs] -[Billy] That's cold.
-Having an affair with someone from work. -Not an affair.
He left me for Tyler, then didn't have the balls to admit it.
But it's good Colin's with a young guy.
Let him have his middle-aged fling.
He will quickly realize that having a twink boyfriend
is a shallow, empty life that leads nowhere.
No offense.
Actually, it leads to a life of mind-blowing sex.
-You remember sex, don't you? -Vaguely.
And you're really not helping.
Our company has a table
at the Central Park Conservancy dinner tomorrow.
Tyler is gonna be there.
I'm afraid I might stick a steak knife in his neck.
That's a nice butch fantasy.
But what you should do is just play it cool until it fizzles out.
Really?
You really don't think it's over?
No. I do not think it's over.
I agree. Couples break up and get back together all the time.
-Look at the Jonathans. -That's right.
They broke up for a couple months a few years ago
when Jonathan had that thing with Jorge,
the Mexican travel agent who he thought looked like Ricky Martin.
He almost moved to Puerto Vallarta.
I thought he just loved it there.
You can like it for two weeks.
Then it's like being trapped at a gay quinceañera.
The point is it was a fling.
He got it out of his system, and they're back together.
Thanks. That does give me some hope.
Okay, this is starting to sound like a cautionary tale.
Please, do not have a baby with Colin.
I'll have nobody left to go to dinner with.
Exactly. And we're too old to find a new friend.
[jazzy music playing]
-Hey, Jack. Hey, Millie. -[Millie whines]
[panting]
I really am sorry about you and Colin.
What do you mean?
Didn't you split up?
-What makes you think that? -The boxes, the suitcases.
The U-Haul parked out front.
Some hot little number was helping him.
It looked like the beginning of one of my favorite poems,
Pack My Box. [chuckles]
I still have the VHS somewhere.
-If you want to check it out. -Oh, thanks.
My VCR was stolen in 1992.
Anyway,
I don't care what people say.
I always thought you were the good-looking one.
Thank you?
Did he say anything to you?
Yes.
"Goodbye." Hah!
-Don't you just hate men? -[bell dings]
[pensive music playing]
Is Colin ever going to pick up his Wall Street Journal,
or is he just gonna let them pile up?
I'll take care of it.
[upbeat music playing]
Happy Central Park Conservancy.
Well, whatever you are selling tonight, I am buying.
-[laughs]You're not exactly my customer. -Ha-ha!
-Uh, thought you might need this. -Why?
Good news, bad news.
-Bad news first. -Tyler's sitting next to you.
Ugh. And did he bring his new boyfriend?
No. He doesn't have a plus-one. None of us do.
But now for some better news. Claire Lewis is here.
Did you talk to her?
I started to, but then she just handed me her empty champagne glass
and said, "I'll take another, dear."
[chuckles] Where is she?
Inside, bidding on the silent auction.
I'm gonna go say hi and tell her how excited we are
-about selling her apartment. -Mm! Nice.
[chuckles]
Thank you.
No, no. That's for Claire.
Claire! Michael Lawson.
I'm sorry. Do I know you?
Michael Lawson, Stanley's friend?
Uh, broker who came to see your beautiful home.
Oh! Yes. I'm sorry, the broker. There have been so many of those.
And you're wearing a tux.
You know, all men look the same in a tux.
Every time I see a fat ass in a monkey suit, I think it's my husband.
[laughs]
-You bidding on something? -Ah!
A week at the Amanyara in Turks and Caicos.
-Ah. -I thought I could bring my daughter.
Although she doesn't want me to call her my daughter since she's nonbinary now.
Actually, the idea of sharing a room with her,
I mean them, excuse me,
would be the opposite of a vacation.
But maybe I'll have a new love in my life by the "one-year expiration date."
"Breakfast and airfare not included."
-I'm sure you will. -Right.
And maybe I'll also have a unicorn that shits money.
My partner and I are excited
to be showing you the presentation we put together for your apartment.
Um, your timing of the market is just top-notch.
Well, I've always been known for my perfect timing.
[chuckles]
Right as he left,
I asked my husband why he started shaving his balls all of a sudden.
Did he want them to match his hairless head?
Do you know what he said to me?
"I'm so glad you asked, Claire."
"Perfect timing. I did it for Layla."
-This is where you say, "Who's Layla?" -Oh.
Who's Layla?
His 25-year-old Pilates instructor
with whom he's decided to spend the second half of his life.
The second half!
Because clinically obese men often live to 130.
-Where are you sitting? -Oh, over there with some friends.
My shrink told me it's important for me to start going out,
even when I don't feel like it, which is what I am doing here.
Well, I'm glad that you are,
-because you look amazing. -[scoffs]
And you should not be denying the world the pleasure of you.
You've already got the meeting.
-I'm gonna go find my table. -All right. Have a great evening.
Don't outbid me now.
I promise not to. [chuckles]
[woman] Adopt a bench,
dedicate a paving stone, donate flowers, endow a tree.
There are so many ways
to support this glorious park that belongs to all New Yorkers.
Now, please, enjoy your meal.
-Looks like Tyler is a no-show. -Yeah, no surprise.
-[upbeat music playing] -He doesn't wanna face me.
But he can't keep running forever.
You'd be amazed the lengths people will go to avoid confrontation.
-Textbook narcissistic behavior. -Yeah!
Some will even secretly move their things out of your apartment
before breaking up with you. [chuckles]
Ugh.
There he is.
[groans]
I'm sure that he saw me and now he's afraid to come to our table.
-No. -What are you doing?
I gotta talk to him. I mean, that is bullshit, right?
-Not here. You've been drinking all night. -Let go of me.
Don't get into a fight at a charity event.
-It's tacky. -Stop handling my--
You can't possibly know how to fight! Gah--
♪ Don't you know you've gotta stand up… ♪
Tyler! Tyler.
Hello, Michael.
I'd really like to know exactly when this started.
When what started?
Please. You know you're avoiding me.
You're too much of a coward to sit in your own seat.
I'm sitting with my mother.
She's a co-host of this event, and we have our own table.
The only reason Empire Realty bought a table is thanks to me.
That's why you're here.
I know what's going on with you and Colin.
My neighbor saw you helping him move out of my building.
[chuckles] I thought Colin not telling you about me might make things awkward.
"Awkward"? Are you fucking kidding me?
You break up my relationship, and you think it might be awkward?
What the hell are you talking about?
I'm sorry Colin left you,
but the only thing going on between us is that I found an apartment for him.
Wh-- And you expect me to believe that?
Suzanne saw you with him in his apartment on the High Line, dude.
I helped him move a few things in.
I provide that level of service to all of my clients.
It's called going the extra mile.
-I-- -But I am not having an affair with Colin.
[laughs]
He's old.
Not that old. A few years older than me.
Really? You're the younger one?
Look, if it makes you feel any better, I've seen no evidence of another guy.
I really don't think he left you for anybody.
I've gotta get to my table. Sorry.
Oh, uh, one more thing.
Would you stop bugging Claire Lewis about her apartment?
It's really embarrassing.
I've told you before, she's my mother's friend.
I'm getting the listing.
You look gorgeous enough to make me straight tonight.
Oh! [laughs]
[Claire] You are so…
[sighs]
-How'd it go? -Ah…
Colin's not having a fling.
He didn't leave me for Tyler. He didn't leave me for anyone.
He just wanted to leave me.
Which somehow feels even worse.
[sighs] It felt so satisfying
to tell myself this story that Colin left me for Tyler
because it made him look so shallow,
but really Tyler was just helping him plot his escape
like I was holding him hostage.
[sighs] I just don't know what to do with all this anger.
You know what? You're gonna put it into your work.
Wait until Claire sees the presentation we put together for her.
I don't care what kind of friend she is to his mother.
There's no way she's entrusting her apartment to that millennial fraud.
-Mm. -We're not getting played on this one.
[simultaneous phone alerts]
[in unison] Shit.
"Unfortunately, Miss Lewis is unable to meet with you at this time."
"Thank you for your consideration."
"Dictated, not read."
We got played.
Not this time.
Excuse me, sorry. Emergency.
71st and Park.
Claire!
Michael, what did I say about loud voices in the lobby?
[whispers] I'm sorry.
-[Michael sighs] -[concierge scoffs]
It's okay, Freddy.
Claire, don't list your apartment with Tyler.
Nobody is going to work harder for you
or understand more about what you are going through than I will.
[laughs] Oh really? You? You understand what I'm going through?
Yes. I just got left, too,
after 17 years.
I don't even know what happened.
And I am still looking for any tiny excuse or stupid reason
to make me believe that it's not real.
But it is real.
I got left
by a man I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.
Michael, I'm so sorry.
But do you honestly think it's the same thing?
Do you have any idea what it's like to be single again for a woman at my age?
Do you have any idea what it's like to be single again for a gay man at my age?
I'm a dinosaur.
You're still cute.
You're still gorgeous!
[chuckles]
Tyler was taking six percent.
Can you shave a point off your commission?
Yeah, if that's what it takes.
Oh! His mother's gonna be so pissed.
It's gonna be worth it. I am gonna work my ass off for you,
and we're gonna have fun.
Oh, good. I could use some fun.
Uh, but, Michael, one more thing.
If you're a man, I don't give a damn how old you are or who you sleep with,
you've still got a better deal.
Just admit it. Admit it.
["You Ain't Alone" by Alabama Shakes]
I guess we'll have to compare notes, Claire.
Oh!
I look forward to that.
And to you getting me a shit ton of money for my apartment.
[laughs]
-♪ Are you scared to tell somebody… ♪ -[sighs]
-♪ How you feel about somebody? ♪ -[chuckles]
♪ Are you scared What somebody's gonna think? ♪
♪ Or are you scared to wear your heart Out on your sleeve? ♪
[sighs]
♪ Are you scared of me? ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm scared ♪
♪ The bomb's gonna take me away ♪
♪ Oh, but I really don't know ♪
♪ What I got to say ♪
♪ Oh, all right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ All right, all right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ One, two, three ♪
♪ Are you too scared to dance for me? ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪