[dance music playing over loudspeakers]
See? Your first night out as a single guy.
Didn't I tell you goin' dancin' would make you happy?
Isn't it great? I don't even care that we're the oldest gays in the club.
-Oh shit. -No, honey. You keep dancing.
-We have as much right to be here-- -I think that's Colin.
-Well, first of all, you look fantastic. -You really do. So hot.
It's not him.
Oh, thank God.
I'm not even sure if I'm happy or not that that wasn't him. I need a drink.
Mikey, there's only one way you're gonna move on from this.
Yeah, it's been one whole week. Enough with the wallowing.
Sorry. I just think if you wanna start feelin' better,
you gotta pop your Colin-cherry and get laid.
So eloquent. Sadly, I don't disagree.
So glad to know that you're both on the same page about what's best for me.
Uh, three vodka sodas, please.
What do you guys want?
Look how many guys in the club are on Grindr right now.
You could hook up tonight and be one step closer to your future happy Michael.
Why are they on Grindr when they're right next to us?
That's how you meet people now.
You've been away a long time, Rip Van Winkle.
Nice. Oh, I'm so not up for this.
I was late to the Grindr party,
but it does actually cut the chitchat and get you down to business.
[phone alert]
Sorry, Claire Lewis.
Your rich divorcée? [chuckles]
She typically text you after midnight?
Ah, she's a little demanding, but I need to keep her happy. She's my golden goose.
-[Stanley laughs] -Ooh!
Twenty-something else, less than 50 feet away, very cute.
Billy, we are here to support our friend, not abandon him for a hookup.
I'm just showing him how easy it is. Oh, he's so into me.
[phone alert]
Claire again? Sweetie, that is not the notification you wanna get in here.
I am not interested in getting back in the game,
looking at naked selfies on my phone.
I don't want my first time to have sex with someone after 17 years with Colin
to be a quick, anonymous fuck.
What are you lookin' for? Dinner and a movie? Come on.
You must've fooled around with other guys during your relationship.
Not really. I put the mono in monogamy.
Or monotony.
Up top.
-No. No. -If and when I'm ready to have…
To put myself out there.
Oh, Jesus, I can't believe I'm even saying this.
I-- I want it to be a little special.
Good luck with that, sweetie.
Nowadays, special is when they still wanna have sex with you after you show up.
I think they're all special. Like snowflakes. No two alike.
You just gotta get 'em before they melt. Don't wait up, boys.
She can torture a metaphor, but she always gets her man-child.
[chuckles]
Wait, no, no, no, no. Stay a little bit longer, please.
It gets lonely at night in the apartment.
Oh, Michael.
It gets better, you'll see.
What if it doesn't?
-What if I wind up bitter and alone like-- -Careful.
-I was gonna say, "Like Claire." -Oh!
Yeah, so sad.
[both laugh]
[theme music playing]
[knocking at door]
-Oh, hey, Diane. -Hello, Michael.
I just got a delivery from the drugstore,
and along with my medications, there was also this one for Colin.
Hmm. Must be his Propecia. All smoke and mirrors up there.
Oh. [chuckles] I heard you two split up.
And I guess it didn't end well,
after seeing the way you scratched his name off the mailbox.
Thanks, Diane.
-Can you send me-- -Bye-bye now.
[sighs]
Colin's on PrEP. [scoffs]
So the thing he needs to figure out alone
is how to fuck his way across New York City without getting a disease.
Well, I'm glad we solved that mystery.
Well, at least he's being responsible.
Do you really think this warrants a look on the bright side?
Sorry. Slut!
[grunting]
Anyway, this may be just the push I need to get off my ass
and hopefully up into somebody else's.
Say hello to Grindr's newest Grindee.
-Quick turnaround! -Huh?
Which, by the way, you hear a lot on Grindr.
Here, help me pick a photo.
Um…
Ooh, how about this one? We just had it taken.
It's our company ad. If I crop out Suzanne…
Mm, sorry, darling. You're a bit ragged around the eyes.
Suzanne looks great, though.
She should crop you out and put it on her profile.
-[clears throat] -This is why you have no friends.
Hmm. Oh, here's a good one.
-Oh, -Ooh, post that.
-Okay. -Mm!
[man] Hey.
It's not a bar stool. You need to move so other people can use it.
I'm training him. I'm in the middle of a session, so easy. Let's go. Six.
-Six. -Come on now. Seven.
-Seven. Thanks. -Now bend the knees. Eight.
Uh, eight.
Let's check the grid. See who in here is on the prowl.
-Hmm. -Oh. Oh!
-He's cute. -Mm.
-GreatNateEight. -Oh!
Catchy, informative.
No Sondheim in the rhyming department, but definitely worth a quick turnaround.
-Nice. -[chuckles] Text him.
I'm actually doing this. Okay. Okay. Okay! Here goes.
How long does it usually take before--
Um…
-I am not hating this. -[chuckles]
Uh-oh.
[buzzer sound]
-What happened? -[sighs]
You need a dick pic. You won't get anywhere on this without one.
It's like your Grindr passport photo.
You have a dick pic?
Oh no, I believe you. You do not have to show--
Relax.
An artist I represent did it. Something different for the people.
[sniffs]
What, you actually sat for that, like Whistler's Mother?
I like the kind of men it attracts.
For instance, I'll be in Rhinebeck antiquing,
and I'll get a tap and realize
that we are both looking at the same 19th-century school chair.
Next thing you know, I'm face down in a barn.
-Great. -Mm.
Now there's two images I can't unsee.
-[chuckles] -♪ A shoe brick boy ♪
♪ On an island so folorn ♪
♪ Met a South Sea girl ♪
♪ She was a vision of the morn… ♪
[camera clicks]
♪ She tried to be ♪
♪ In her own way discreet ♪
♪ He changed all that… ♪
-[camera clicks] -♪ When he showed her this new beat ♪
♪ Now what she does is a Chalypso… ♪
[camera clicks]
-Can I give you a hand with that? -I'm good. I'm good. Sorry.
[sighs]
[sighs heavily]
[groans] Sorry I'm late. Crazy morning.
Ugh! My girlfriend Mia and I went out for drinks last night.
And not only did she meet somebody in five minutes
while I ate hot wings and played Candy Crush,
but I left my credit card at the bar.
So I had to wait for them to open this morning.
I didn't wanna look like I needed a drink at eleven o'clock.
So I walk down the block,
and my heel gets caught in a subway grate and snaps the fuck off.
$400 pair of SJPs literally down the drain.
Oh my God! My life right now is literally just…
Sorry.
How are you?
That's okay. I know you liked it better
when you were the disaster, and I was the boring, old married guy.
I really did.
-Me too. -[sighs]
I've been working on the figures for Claire Lewis's broker's open.
This listing is so next-level,
and given my reduced circumstances, I really need this commission.
This event can't look cheap. We're gonna have to spend some money.
-[groans] We've gotta sell this bitch. -[phone vibrating]
I can feel my Amex card begging me to put it out of its misery.
[sweetly] Suzanne Prentiss.
So congrats on poaching Claire. Heard you had to reduce your commission.
[groans, chuckles]
Yeah, well, it's still a fuckload of money.
Well, I hope it's worth it.
I almost didn't have the energy to deal with her. And I'm young. [laughs]
I'll be fine, Tyler. We've actually made a genuine connection.
Oh, right. The whole parallel lives falling apart thing.
I can see it's really taking its toll.
[chuckles]
Honey, our luck has just changed.
[squeals] We have a new client.
Paolo Forella,
a big Italian furniture importer in from Rome tomorrow for one day,
and he needs to lock down a pied-à-terre in the two million range,
and he wants us to put together a multiple showing.
That's great. Who referred us?
No one. He said he picked us from our picture.
I told you those photos would pay off.
Only you look good in this picture.
I look ragged.
[gasps] Oh my-- oh my God. He is so hot.
Oh-ho-ho!
Recently divorced. Check.
Two grown kids. Check.
Residences in Rome and Positano. Check! Check!
Oh-ho-ho!
Paolo, mi amor. Molto bello.
Why did I eat all those fucking wings?
He's okay.
Do you think I should get my eyes done?
[sighs]
[Netflix ident tune plays]
No. Delete, delete. He's not watching! He's not watching!
[incoming call alert]
[sighs]
What up, Mikey?
I'm just eatin' Chinese and missing fucking Colin.
Aww. Sorry, baby. But Stanley told me you're on Grindr.
So pants off to you. What's your handle?
I haven't thought about it. How about MikeNewToThis?
Because you're a young Amish boy who just arrived in the big bad city? [scoffs]
Gina, get under my eyes. I had a very late night.
You need somethin' sexy,
like HungAlphaJock or NineHardForYou.
Which, memory serves, is a bit of an exaggeration,
but nobody's coming in with a ruler.
Jesus, your makeup lady is right there.
How about PiggyWantACumHole?
[giggles]
Oh my God.
Gina's seen it all. She used to do Charlie Rose.
Look, all I'm saying is make sure you pick something that says you're DTF.
AthleticTop?
Sounds like a sports bra.
From personal experience, wouldn't AthleticVers be more accurate?
Okay. You know what?
One hookup, 25 years ago, Billy. People change.
Don't you have to mispredict the weather?
Sweetie, I just look pretty and read the shit.
Look, you know what? Ooh. I'm gonna go with NewHotMike.
[alert chimes]
-Oh! I have a message waiting. -[Billy] There you go.
Message back.
[alert chimes]
-[Billy] What'd he say? -It's a pic.
But I can't really tell what it is. Oh my God! It's a butthole. Classy.
-[Gina] Ah! -[chuckles]
-Welcome to Grindr, NewHotMike. -[door opens]
-[man] On set in five. -Oh, I'm on. I love you.
You too.
[sighs]
Claire?
[Claire] Up here.
Oh my God.
How did this happen?
I had a moment.
You did this? Why?
My hus--
My ex-husband went to visit our daughter,
sorry, our kid, at Brown this weekend,
and brought his whore, gold-digging girlfriend along to meet them.
As you can see, I didn't take it well.
I'm… so sorry.
This used to be his favorite room.
[chuckles] It still has so many of his most treasured possessions.
Had. I'll show you a fucking hole in one.
-Oh! -[screams]
[grunting]
[Michael] Okay. Oh--
-[sighs] Would you like a drink? -Yes, please.
Vodka all right?
Sure.
So, obviously we'll need to postpone the broker's open
till we can deal with all this,
but moving forward, don't you have anyone you can vent to about this
so we can avoid a, you know, future gut renovation?
Yeah.
Oh.
Me. [chuckles]
-Have a seat. -Sure, yeah. Let's… Uh, sure.
I'll sit right here in Beirut.
And why not? Our lives are in ruins.
I think my apartment would look exactly like this
if I didn't have a great support system of friends.
They've been helping me through a lot,
forcing me to put myself out there.
You know, to try to somehow move on.
Most of my so-called friends went with Henry.
Half of them even knew about the affair.
In a split like mine, people follow the money and the access.
He's even gotten my children to see his side! [growls]
It's dead, Claire! You can quit trying to murder it. The room is already dead.
[sighs]
Why do you even have a sledgehammer?
Well, I didn't until this evening.
Amazon Prime, same-day delivery.
Oh.
Really should think about a three-day waiting period.
You know, until this happened, the divorce, I mean…
I never would have considered myself a person capable of actual rage.
But look around.
[chuckles]
That is exactly what I feel most of the time.
All I can afford to destroy is a Tiffany-framed picture of us.
Deeply unsatisfying.
-I should have just ripped up the photo. -[laughs]
Oh, it would've been so much easier if he had just died.
Making funeral arrangements, choosing what I would wear to the funeral,
having people over after the funeral.
All of those activities seem fun compared to this.
He's off in another life, and I'm stuck in the one he's left behind.
I know.
But maybe not for long.
I hope not for long.
Thank you for coming over tonight.
This has helped. Talking to you.
Mm. Even if our friendship is commission-based. [chuckles]
Glad to be here.
So you're done hobbling the apartment, Annie Wilkes from Misery,
or do I need to take this with me?
[laughs]
You should take it.
[upbeat jazz playing]
Hey.
[clears throat]
Really? It's a showing, Suzanne,
not ladies drink free night at the Lizard Lounge.
Too much?
Only if you're not expecting cash on the nightstand later.
Oh. Perfect. If you think it's a little slutty, then I'm in the right area.
And what is goin' on with you? You look tired, like in our photo.
Ugh, I didn't get much sleep.
Claire had a meltdown in the middle of the night.
I had to go over. It was a whole thing.
[sighs] Wow. Those are some seriously blurry boundaries.
Be careful. Mixing business with your personal life is a huge mistake.
Oh! There he is.
Paolo Forella.
-Ciao, Paolo. Suzanne Prentiss. -Ciao.
-How lovely to meet you. -Pleasure.
Hi. Michael Lawson. Shall we?
-[Paolo] Sure. -[laughs]
Prime location, spectacular views.
Three terraces. Come on.
Lots of light. Wow.
[sighs] Uh…
I'm sorry, but it feels a little corporate.
Oh, well, that's the trouble with new construction. No soul.
Not like in Rome,
with those wonderful buildings still standing after centuries.
-You've been to Roma? -[laughs] Sì.
Oh! Loved. I backpacked all through Europe after college
and just spent one whole day just sitting in the Colosseum.
-Yeah. -[laughs]
Yeah, it was back when they were still feeding Christians to the lions.
-[forced laughter] So funny. -[chuckles]
-Ju-- -Ah.
Michael can only make that joke because Suzanna is so young and-- and beautiful.
[Suzanne] Aww!
[gasps, chuckles]
Sorry, but-- but this apartment, it-- it is not for me.
And because of time, please, can you show me the photo of the rest of them?
-[Suzanne] Oh-- -Then we can only go to the one I choose.
-Great idea. -[Suzanne clears throat]
[Michael] Ah! Okay, so this is a two-bedroom, two-bath
with a large terrace in Turtle Bay.
-Turtle Bay? Grazie, no. -[Suzanne] Oh.
Okay, well, this next one, it-- it is on the hill.
Um… Ahem.
It's, uh, newly renovated, three bedrooms, high floor.
-Yeah, I like this one. Let's see it. -[phone rings]
-Great. -Scusi. I gotta take this, sorry.
Sure. [chuckles]
-What the fuck with the dick pics? -It was for my Grindr profile.
I must have mistakenly saved it into the wrong folder.
-What are we gonna do? -I don't know.
-Oh my God. -Okay, wait, wait.
It went by pretty fast. Maybe he didn't notice.
-Just pretend it never happened. -Okay. Good. Yeah.
[Paolo] Ready?
Oh! We're calling a car, Paolo. [chuckles]
I know you're on a pretty tight cock. Clock!
Okay.
-Bravo. I love that apartment. -[laughs]
-Oh! -And I love this street.
It feels already like home. I hope they accept my offer.
Oh… [laughs]
I have a very good feeling about this. Thank you.
[chuckles] You know, Paolo, this is one of the great New York neighborhoods.
Il Cantinori, my favorite Italian restaurant,
is right around the corner.
You must let me take you there once we close.
Perhaps I can cook you a real Italian dinner at my new apartment.
-Oh! I would love that. -[phone alert]
-[chuckles]
And, um, Paolo, if there's anything that you need before you move in,
I would be more than happy to, uh… move some boxes for you.
And my interior design, from what I hear,
I mean, that's what they tell me, is just a gift.
It's a real gift.
I mean, from the top to the bottom.
Okay, the very bottom is so-- [laughs]
And I'm really good with wood.
I mean, so good with wood.
I mean, like, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?
I know, 'cause I can chuck it.
[laughing]
So…
So you just let me know, okay?
Hey, why don't we have a drink at the hotel bar
to celebrate finding the perfect apartment in one day?
I wish I could, but I have calls to make and a very early flight back.
Oh, okay.
Ciao, bella. It was a delight to spend the day with you.
Oh!
Michael.
-Ciao. -Ciao.
Ciao. Ciao.
God damn it.
[sighs] Well, I guess it's for the best, right? Client and all.
Yeah. You know, I only live a couple of blocks away, and it's nice outside.
-I'm just gonna walk. -Uh-huh.
[phone rings]
Hey, Kai. Yeah, I'm on my way home.
Want me to pick up dinner?
I don't know. I've been in the mood for Italian all day.
Damn!
Entrare. Come in.
[sighs]
This is crazy on so many levels.
I don't fool around like this in Italy.
But in New York, I like to have a little fun.
Especially with a hot all-American like you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just…
I just got out of a 17-year relationship really, like, just last week,
and I haven't been with anyone else yet.
I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
-It's okay. I understand. -All right.
We can go down to the bar and have a drink.
That…
Let me just change my shirt.
[gasps]
Yeah, I'm ready.
♪ I quit the race ♪
♪ 'Cause I'd rather ♪
♪ Dance in place ♪
♪ On my own ♪
♪ I quit the race ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm better ♪
♪ Changin' pace ♪
♪ As I go ♪
♪ I quit the race ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I quit the race ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I quit the race ♪
I wish I smoked. I would totally smoke right now.
It's a non-smoking room.
No, I wouldn't really smoke. Eww!
I mean, I just feel like I should mark this moment with something… new,
something I haven't done before.
Isn't this something you haven't done before?
[chuckles]
I guess it is.
It's kind of how I imagined it, too, the first time.
-Well, I'm honored. -Mm!
I wasn't sure if you were into me.
-Then, you show me a dick pic. It was-- -Oh my God.
That was so embarrassing. I was hoping you hadn't noticed.
-You didn't mean for me to see it? -No! Are you kidding?
-No! -Oh! Mamma mia.
-What? -[both laugh]
I took it really fast 'cause my friends said I had to have one on Grindr,
-which I just got on yesterday. -Mm.
So, jackpot, by the way.
Molto gentile.
-[laughs] Mm! -Mm!
Actually, the photo doesn't do it justice.
-It's much better in person. -Oh, thank you.
Thank you. It's been a bit of a recluse lately,
so I'm not really sure how it's gonna do out in the world.
Plus, I'd never taken a dick pic, so I had no idea--
I can take it for you.
I can light it at the perfect angle.
I will send you to the Grindr-verse with a pic…
[sighs]
…I call worthy of such a beautiful dick.
-You're amazing. -[sighs]
Okay. Might have to wait a little bit before it gets hard again, but--
Mm-hmm?
It's not… It's…
[gasps]
Oh, well, that's a new personal best.
[laughs]
["Magicalove" by Isaac Delusion]
[sighs]
♪ There's no ♪
♪ Magical love ♪
♪ Any way without you ♪
♪ Any way without you, baby ♪
So glad you stopped by.
Our pleasure. Thanks for inviting us.
-Really interesting stuff. -Mm.
-Oh, I just gotta lock up in back. -Okay.
[laughing] But I'll see you again soon, I hope!
Oh my God. Kurt, Stephanie, hi.
-So good to see you. -Kurt! Hi!
Hi.
-So sorry to hear about you guys. -Ah…
We were gonna reach out. Even though, technically, we're Colin's friends,
obviously, we care about you too.
Oh, I know. Thank you. What brings you to the gallery?
Oh, Stanley mentioned the show to us, and thought we might like the artist.
I didn't know you knew Stanley. Did you meet at Colin's 50th?
Yes, and then we saw each other again last night at Colin's new apartment.
He had a little dinner party.
-Anyway, it's really good to see you. -Take care, Mike.
Yeah, yeah.
[scoffs]
Michael, I was gonna tell you.
Tell me what?
That you went to a fucking dinner party at his new apartment?
That he made his special linguine alle vongole,
which I'm sure he served in the Williams-Sonoma pasta bowls,
which I bought,
and in what is becoming a daily occurrence,
just realized are gone?
How could you do that, Stanley?
-He reached out, so I-- -No!
No. He does not get to reach out.
He has lost all reaching out privileges, which you should have told him,
or, better yet, not reached back.
Just ghosted him, like he did me.
Michael, please.
I've known him all these years.
I just wanted to find out his side.
His side?
His side is that he is a sociopath
who walked out on a 17-year relationship without telling me.
You're supposed to be my friend.
And Colin, despite his dinner parties and his fucking reaching out,
is a very bad person.
Or maybe he's a good person who did a very bad thing.
To me!
He did a very bad thing to me, your friend.
You don't get to have pasta with him
a week after he told me it was over in a text!
It actually wasn't pasta.
I can't believe I'm even having this conversation with you.
It's not a conversation. You're not letting me--
You can't be friends with both of us, Stanley. You have to pick.
Uh-- Of course I'm your friend first, but…
I shouldn't have to pick.
[scoffs]
You just did.
[Stanley sighs] Uh--
[sighs]
[intense jazzy music playing]