1 00:00:12,972 --> 00:00:14,891 [serene music] 2 00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:16,893 [tapping] 3 00:00:16,934 --> 00:00:24,108 * * 4 00:00:28,905 --> 00:00:31,657 - * Honey came in, and she caught me red-handed * 5 00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:35,119 * Creepin' with the girl next door * 6 00:00:35,161 --> 00:00:37,580 - * Picture this, we were both butt-naked * 7 00:00:37,622 --> 00:00:40,208 * Banging on the bathroom floor * 8 00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:46,422 - * How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? * 9 00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:50,176 - * All this time, she was standing there * 10 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:53,137 * She never took her eyes off me * 11 00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:55,807 * * 12 00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:57,850 * But she caught me on the counter * 13 00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,143 - * It wasn't me * 14 00:00:59,185 --> 00:01:00,812 - * Saw me banging on the sofa * 15 00:01:00,853 --> 00:01:01,896 - * It wasn't me * 16 00:01:01,938 --> 00:01:03,815 - * I even had her in the shower * 17 00:01:03,856 --> 00:01:05,149 - * It wasn't me * 18 00:01:05,191 --> 00:01:06,901 - * She even caught me on camera * 19 00:01:06,943 --> 00:01:08,486 - * It wasn't me * 20 00:01:08,528 --> 00:01:10,238 - * She saw the marks on my shoulder * 21 00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:11,614 - * It wasn't me * 22 00:01:11,656 --> 00:01:12,990 - * Hear the words that I told her * 23 00:01:13,032 --> 00:01:14,325 - * It wasn't me * 24 00:01:14,367 --> 00:01:16,619 - * Heard her scream getting louder * 25 00:01:16,661 --> 00:01:18,496 - * It wasn't me-- * - [screams] 26 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:24,669 [gasps] 27 00:01:24,711 --> 00:01:27,505 * * 28 00:01:27,547 --> 00:01:29,173 [grunts] 29 00:01:30,466 --> 00:01:32,301 It was you, Bumper. 30 00:01:32,343 --> 00:01:33,970 - [shudders] 31 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:37,306 - You stole my song... 32 00:01:37,348 --> 00:01:40,184 and now you've stolen my future. 33 00:01:40,226 --> 00:01:42,979 - Heidi. - [grunts] 34 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,106 [dramatic music] 35 00:01:45,148 --> 00:01:46,774 - Oh, my God. 36 00:01:46,816 --> 00:01:48,526 * * 37 00:01:48,568 --> 00:01:50,820 And now my hands are feet? 38 00:01:50,862 --> 00:01:53,114 [screaming] 39 00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:55,324 [screams, panting] 40 00:01:55,366 --> 00:01:57,410 - * Welcome * 41 00:01:57,452 --> 00:01:59,328 * In Berlin * 42 00:01:59,370 --> 00:02:01,456 * Dank--dank--dank-dank-dank * 43 00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:02,999 * Danke schön * 44 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,459 * Welcome * 45 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:05,585 * In Berlin * 46 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:09,005 * Dank--dank--dank-dank-dank * 47 00:02:09,047 --> 00:02:10,465 * Danke schön * 48 00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:11,924 Oh, good, you're here. 49 00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:13,468 I've been trying to reach you all night. 50 00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:16,846 I tried everything-- the phone... 51 00:02:16,888 --> 00:02:18,473 - Okay. 52 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,642 - Look, so I got here super early 53 00:02:21,684 --> 00:02:23,603 to try to get your usual order. 54 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,730 But I don't speak German, so I just pointed at things 55 00:02:25,772 --> 00:02:29,192 until they handed me this rag for the milk steamer. 56 00:02:29,233 --> 00:02:31,152 Is this what you normally order? 57 00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:33,905 Did I do good? Can I feel better? 58 00:02:33,946 --> 00:02:34,864 - Ein latte, bitte. 59 00:02:34,906 --> 00:02:36,449 - Hey, you know what? I'll pay. 60 00:02:36,491 --> 00:02:37,992 - Oh, no, no, no, that's okay. 61 00:02:38,034 --> 00:02:40,787 I wouldn't want to take something that belonged to you. 62 00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:45,041 - Okay, so acts of service are not your love language--noted. 63 00:02:45,083 --> 00:02:47,126 Look, I am so sorry. 64 00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:50,797 I just--I started singing your song, and it was so good, 65 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,548 and everyone said I needed to impress Thea in order to have 66 00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:53,883 any hope of making it to Unity Day, 67 00:02:53,925 --> 00:02:55,468 and it all just happened so fast. 68 00:02:55,510 --> 00:02:58,346 - You know what? It's fine. Let's just move on, okay? 69 00:02:58,388 --> 00:02:59,597 I can write another song. 70 00:02:59,639 --> 00:03:01,641 If you need that one so bad, you can have it. 71 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,560 - Okay, if I just listen to the words you're saying 72 00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:07,438 and not the tone, it seems pretty good. 73 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,899 I think if you, like, liked me again, 74 00:03:09,941 --> 00:03:12,026 that might be more fun than being mad at me. 75 00:03:12,068 --> 00:03:13,986 'Cause are you having fun? 'Cause I'm not having fun. 76 00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:15,446 - Oh, I'm not mad. 77 00:03:15,488 --> 00:03:17,407 I am just disappointed in a way that makes me feel 78 00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:18,658 like I should never believe 79 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,243 anyone or anything ever again. [door opens] 80 00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,328 - So two big pieces of news. 81 00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:23,746 First news, bad. 82 00:03:23,788 --> 00:03:25,123 The former love of my life, Gisela, 83 00:03:25,164 --> 00:03:26,666 just tweeted out that she's doing a big show 84 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,292 in Friedrichshain tomorrow. 85 00:03:28,334 --> 00:03:29,419 If we don't stay competitive, 86 00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:31,087 she's gonna get that newcomer spot. 87 00:03:31,129 --> 00:03:33,798 I admit that seeing my former lover in the flesh recently 88 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,759 has stirred up some feelings for her in my own flesh. 89 00:03:36,801 --> 00:03:40,596 Ooh, to feel her skin on my skin would... 90 00:03:40,638 --> 00:03:43,057 well, that would be magic indeed. 91 00:03:43,099 --> 00:03:44,559 But that could never happen. 92 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,269 "Sleeping with the Enemy" is merely 93 00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:47,437 a 1991 Julia Roberts film, 94 00:03:47,478 --> 00:03:49,856 not a documentary about my real life. 95 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:53,192 But, anyway, moving on to second news, which is good. 96 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:56,112 There is a talk show that's had a last-minute cancellation. 97 00:03:56,154 --> 00:03:57,864 - Wait, wait, don't tell me. - I have to tell you. 98 00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,699 It's the whole point of me talking right now. 99 00:03:59,741 --> 00:04:01,576 I sent a demo to "Sour Pickles," 100 00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:04,328 and they want to talk with you at the taping today. 101 00:04:04,370 --> 00:04:05,621 - Yes! 102 00:04:05,663 --> 00:04:06,831 Wait, what's "Sour Pickles"? 103 00:04:06,873 --> 00:04:08,416 - It's an immensely popular talk show 104 00:04:08,458 --> 00:04:11,502 that breaks new musicians while they eat very sour pickles, 105 00:04:11,544 --> 00:04:13,796 and they are soaking up the brine for your song. 106 00:04:13,838 --> 00:04:16,257 - They like the song that much? 107 00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:17,842 - The people in charge of Unity Day 108 00:04:17,884 --> 00:04:20,470 are going to love seeing you perform your original song 109 00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:21,512 on this popular show. 110 00:04:21,554 --> 00:04:23,639 They tend to follow the trends. 111 00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:25,475 Whew, this is such a great opportunity 112 00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:27,643 to debut this Bumper banger. 113 00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:28,895 - Is that what we're calling it? 114 00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:31,564 [laughs nervously] I don't like that title. 115 00:04:31,606 --> 00:04:34,275 And you're sure it's the song from last night? 116 00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:36,486 - Yes, t-the one you wrote last night. 117 00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:37,987 Thea will back you up live. 118 00:04:38,029 --> 00:04:40,323 You'll answer a few questions while eating pickles. 119 00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:42,825 I hope you have a sour tooth. 120 00:04:42,867 --> 00:04:44,660 - You know... 121 00:04:44,702 --> 00:04:46,746 I feel the more I think about it, 122 00:04:46,788 --> 00:04:49,207 the more I think that that song sucks. 123 00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:52,293 Mm-hmm. I mean, it's a good song, but it sucks. 124 00:04:52,335 --> 00:04:53,795 - What? The song is great. 125 00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:55,671 It's what got Thea on board. 126 00:04:55,713 --> 00:04:58,257 We love it, and soon all of Germany will love it. 127 00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:01,469 They'll be playing it at every charming Christmas market 128 00:05:01,511 --> 00:05:03,346 and completely free day-care center 129 00:05:03,388 --> 00:05:04,764 all across this great land. 130 00:05:04,806 --> 00:05:08,101 Ah, don't second-guess yourself. 131 00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:10,978 If this appearance goes well, you're gonna be way ahead 132 00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:13,064 of Gisela on the race for Unity Day. 133 00:05:13,106 --> 00:05:14,190 And if you get nervous, 134 00:05:14,232 --> 00:05:16,692 just talk about how much you love Germany. 135 00:05:16,734 --> 00:05:19,404 And we'll all be there together, 136 00:05:19,445 --> 00:05:22,949 because teamwork makes the cream... 137 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,242 "thirk." 138 00:05:24,283 --> 00:05:25,618 Like, it "thirkens" it up? 139 00:05:25,660 --> 00:05:27,120 Is this is the phrase? 140 00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:29,205 Oh, I bet it is. 141 00:05:29,247 --> 00:05:30,957 Eh, I'll Google it. 142 00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:34,627 - So that's-- Uh... 143 00:05:34,669 --> 00:05:37,505 [dramatic music] 144 00:05:37,547 --> 00:05:39,382 [sighs] 145 00:05:39,424 --> 00:05:42,135 * * 146 00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:43,845 - Listen, we are about to perform together, 147 00:05:43,886 --> 00:05:45,054 and I want this to be good. 148 00:05:45,096 --> 00:05:46,556 So tell me what is bothering you, 149 00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:47,974 so we can get it over with 150 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,727 and never have to have a personal conversation again. 151 00:05:50,768 --> 00:05:52,395 - It's nothing, nope. 152 00:05:52,437 --> 00:05:53,730 - You clearly want to talk. 153 00:05:53,771 --> 00:05:56,357 You're like a teen boy who just saw "Fight Club." 154 00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:57,984 So out with it. 155 00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,402 - Okay, fine. 156 00:05:59,444 --> 00:06:01,404 Hypothetically, I made a girl mad at me. 157 00:06:01,446 --> 00:06:03,489 Like, I stole her... 158 00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:05,575 staircase? 159 00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:07,452 I did a bad thing, all right? 160 00:06:07,493 --> 00:06:10,621 Which, fine, guilty as charged, but then I apologized, 161 00:06:10,663 --> 00:06:12,582 which is the thing you're supposed to do, 162 00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:13,916 and she's still upset-- it's not fair. 163 00:06:13,958 --> 00:06:15,793 - An apology doesn't guarantee forgiveness. 164 00:06:15,835 --> 00:06:17,795 Sometimes people are just mad. 165 00:06:17,837 --> 00:06:19,922 I am mad every day at the idea of spelling. 166 00:06:19,964 --> 00:06:22,967 How dare words tell me what to do, right? 167 00:06:23,009 --> 00:06:24,343 Hi! - Hello. 168 00:06:24,385 --> 00:06:25,803 - Um... 169 00:06:25,845 --> 00:06:29,140 Bumper Allen and DJ Das Boot for "Sour Pickles." 170 00:06:29,182 --> 00:06:31,059 - Yeah, Miss Boot, please go upstairs. 171 00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:32,101 - Thank you. 172 00:06:32,143 --> 00:06:34,103 - Every time I messed up in the past, 173 00:06:34,145 --> 00:06:35,730 everyone was just like, 174 00:06:35,772 --> 00:06:37,440 "Oh, that's just Bumper being Bumper," 175 00:06:37,482 --> 00:06:39,484 and they forgave me immediately. 176 00:06:39,525 --> 00:06:41,694 I never would take out the trash. 177 00:06:41,736 --> 00:06:43,613 Bumper being Bumper. 178 00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:45,531 Put chili in the Keurig. 179 00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:47,241 That's just Bumper being Bumper. 180 00:06:47,283 --> 00:06:48,451 Got the lawyer wet. 181 00:06:48,493 --> 00:06:51,162 Bumper being Bumper. 182 00:06:51,204 --> 00:06:54,624 I just wish everyone liked me so I could feel good. 183 00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:56,334 - You're clearly not going to stop talking 184 00:06:56,375 --> 00:06:58,795 until I pretend to care. 185 00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:01,214 It seems like you're only interested 186 00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:04,008 in making yourself feel better. - Mm-hmm. 187 00:07:04,050 --> 00:07:08,054 - For once, try thinking about someone else's feelings. 188 00:07:08,096 --> 00:07:11,265 - Wow. Me think about someone else? 189 00:07:11,307 --> 00:07:13,684 Okay, uh... 190 00:07:13,726 --> 00:07:16,145 the only other person I can think of right now 191 00:07:16,187 --> 00:07:17,772 is Clarence Thomas? 192 00:07:17,814 --> 00:07:20,108 I don't even remember who that is. 193 00:07:20,149 --> 00:07:22,276 - Bumper... 194 00:07:22,318 --> 00:07:23,903 just sing. 195 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,409 - * One day they'll know my name * 196 00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:32,036 [pop music playing] 197 00:07:32,078 --> 00:07:35,415 * One day they'll know my name * 198 00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:37,291 * * 199 00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:40,461 * One day I'm gonna make it out this room * 200 00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:43,256 * I don't have nothing to lose * 201 00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:47,176 * I'll be patient 'cause I know it's on the way * 202 00:07:47,218 --> 00:07:50,012 * One day they'll know my name * 203 00:07:50,054 --> 00:07:52,348 [cheers and applause] - Wow. 204 00:07:52,390 --> 00:07:55,351 [cheers and applause continue] 205 00:07:55,393 --> 00:07:57,228 - Whoo! 206 00:07:57,270 --> 00:07:59,063 Yeah! 207 00:07:59,105 --> 00:08:00,481 - Thank you. 208 00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:03,484 [upbeat music] 209 00:08:03,526 --> 00:08:05,403 * * 210 00:08:05,445 --> 00:08:07,947 - Well, it's a beautiful song you've written. 211 00:08:07,989 --> 00:08:10,241 - And it really is for everybody. 212 00:08:10,283 --> 00:08:11,743 - Yes. - Little kids, 213 00:08:11,784 --> 00:08:15,329 airline gate attendants, scuba treasure hunters-- 214 00:08:15,371 --> 00:08:16,873 everyone. 215 00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:18,958 - So let's now move on to the interview. 216 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,712 Bumper, you will eat increasingly sour pickles 217 00:08:22,754 --> 00:08:24,756 while you answer questions. - Okay. 218 00:08:24,797 --> 00:08:27,050 - So please take up your first pickle. 219 00:08:27,091 --> 00:08:28,718 - [clears throat] Okay. - Question number-- 220 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,888 - Before we get to munching, I do have, um-- 221 00:08:31,929 --> 00:08:33,264 This looks delicious. Thank you. 222 00:08:33,306 --> 00:08:36,976 But, um, I do have one thing that I'd like to say. 223 00:08:38,603 --> 00:08:41,397 I didn't actually write that song. 224 00:08:41,439 --> 00:08:43,649 All the credit goes to Heidi... 225 00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:44,942 Fraren? 226 00:08:44,984 --> 00:08:47,779 - Wait, Heidi wrote that song? 227 00:08:47,820 --> 00:08:49,238 You're Heidi. 228 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,282 - Yeah, I just, uh-- 229 00:08:51,324 --> 00:08:54,035 I was just messing around with something. 230 00:08:54,077 --> 00:08:56,537 - Well, that is quite a revelation. 231 00:08:56,579 --> 00:08:58,539 - You did not write this song? 232 00:08:58,581 --> 00:08:59,749 Pickle number two. 233 00:08:59,791 --> 00:09:01,167 - Moving on quick, okay. 234 00:09:01,209 --> 00:09:02,752 - But your manager, Pieter Kramer, 235 00:09:02,794 --> 00:09:04,921 told us that you conjured it out of thin air. 236 00:09:04,962 --> 00:09:08,633 Pickle me this, did famous liar Pieter Kramer lie again? 237 00:09:08,674 --> 00:09:09,759 - Oh, no. - No. 238 00:09:09,801 --> 00:09:10,885 - Oh, my God. - Absolutely not. 239 00:09:10,927 --> 00:09:11,969 - No. - No, this is my fault. 240 00:09:12,011 --> 00:09:15,431 See, we-- - So you misinformed Pieter, 241 00:09:15,473 --> 00:09:16,766 and he never lied? 242 00:09:16,808 --> 00:09:18,017 Pickle number three. 243 00:09:18,059 --> 00:09:21,229 - Uh, yeah, well, I wouldn't say-- 244 00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:23,106 [chokes, shudders] 245 00:09:23,147 --> 00:09:25,108 This one's got a little pep to it. 246 00:09:25,149 --> 00:09:26,776 I wouldn't say that he never lied. 247 00:09:26,818 --> 00:09:28,111 I mean, he lies, 248 00:09:28,152 --> 00:09:29,695 'cause he lied to get me to move to Germany, but-- 249 00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:30,863 Oh, my God. 250 00:09:30,905 --> 00:09:32,573 - What is he doing? 251 00:09:32,615 --> 00:09:34,033 - Well, you have heard it here first. 252 00:09:34,075 --> 00:09:37,286 Disgraced mouth-musician- turned-mouth-manager 253 00:09:37,328 --> 00:09:38,913 Pieter Kramer lies again. 254 00:09:38,955 --> 00:09:41,124 - No, no, okay, let's, let's-- 255 00:09:41,165 --> 00:09:43,584 Oh, yeah, this is really sour. 256 00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:45,169 Let's switch topics 257 00:09:45,211 --> 00:09:49,006 and talk about how happy I am here in Germany, 258 00:09:49,048 --> 00:09:51,300 'cause it's great-- the high-speed trains, 259 00:09:51,342 --> 00:09:53,594 low-interest home loans I've been told? 260 00:09:53,636 --> 00:09:56,139 And that hottie Angela Merkel-- 261 00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:58,349 whoo, wouldn't mind twerking on that Merk. 262 00:09:58,391 --> 00:10:00,518 - Do you think it's appropriate to say that 263 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:01,936 about our former chancellor? 264 00:10:01,978 --> 00:10:04,647 - Chancellor? I hardly know her. 265 00:10:04,689 --> 00:10:06,149 [laughs] 266 00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,276 But I will by the end of the day, know what I mean? 267 00:10:08,317 --> 00:10:10,319 - Well, congratulations, Bumper Allen. 268 00:10:10,361 --> 00:10:14,365 Your various gaffes mean it is time for our segment 269 00:10:14,407 --> 00:10:18,786 "You Have Gotten Yourself in a Horrible Pickle." 270 00:10:18,828 --> 00:10:20,496 Now say it with me. 271 00:10:20,538 --> 00:10:21,622 [horn blares] 272 00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:24,208 all: Good luck getting 273 00:10:24,250 --> 00:10:27,003 out of this one! 274 00:10:27,045 --> 00:10:30,339 [loud pop, cheers and applause] 275 00:10:38,181 --> 00:10:40,183 [dramatic music] 276 00:10:40,224 --> 00:10:43,186 - Let's just review what happened. 277 00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:44,979 We went in to promote your song 278 00:10:45,021 --> 00:10:47,607 and show the world how charming you are. 279 00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:50,860 We left with you admitting it wasn't your song at all, 280 00:10:50,902 --> 00:10:52,820 which you didn't even promote because you were all 281 00:10:52,862 --> 00:10:55,156 too busy assassinating my reputation 282 00:10:55,198 --> 00:10:58,117 and objectifying Angela Merkel? 283 00:10:58,159 --> 00:11:00,119 [groans] - Can I please have a chair? 284 00:11:00,161 --> 00:11:03,081 - No. Chairs are for good boys. 285 00:11:03,122 --> 00:11:07,126 This is gonna set you way back with the Unity Day bookers. 286 00:11:07,168 --> 00:11:10,088 No one is gonna take you seriously when that comes out-- 287 00:11:10,129 --> 00:11:11,381 or me seriously. 288 00:11:11,422 --> 00:11:13,508 - I was just trying to do right by Heidi. 289 00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:14,842 - Oh, well, you didn't, 290 00:11:14,884 --> 00:11:17,345 because now the debut of my first song ever 291 00:11:17,387 --> 00:11:18,971 is a PR disaster. 292 00:11:19,013 --> 00:11:21,140 - I'm never gonna outrun my shameful past. 293 00:11:21,182 --> 00:11:24,143 This is gonna bring us so much bad press, 294 00:11:24,185 --> 00:11:26,854 while Gisela just Rollerblades her way 295 00:11:26,896 --> 00:11:29,816 all the way to the newcomer spot unimpeded 296 00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:32,693 and, in all likelihood, braless. 297 00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:34,987 - You... 298 00:11:35,029 --> 00:11:38,866 you are incredibly talented. 299 00:11:39,826 --> 00:11:41,994 But I'm out. 300 00:11:42,036 --> 00:11:45,748 If anyone who is not Bumper needs me, 301 00:11:45,790 --> 00:11:48,167 I'll be at my favorite abandoned factory. 302 00:11:48,209 --> 00:11:52,338 [train rumbling, objects clattering] 303 00:11:52,380 --> 00:11:53,756 [door closes] 304 00:11:53,798 --> 00:11:57,927 - Maybe I should resign, stop trying to rehab my image. 305 00:11:57,969 --> 00:12:00,346 - I'm gonna have to live off German unemployment. 306 00:12:00,388 --> 00:12:03,474 How am I supposed to survive on 90,000 euros a year 307 00:12:03,516 --> 00:12:06,102 with benefits? - No. 308 00:12:06,144 --> 00:12:07,729 No, okay? 309 00:12:07,770 --> 00:12:10,356 You can't quit. You can't give up on me. 310 00:12:10,398 --> 00:12:11,524 I will fix this. 311 00:12:11,566 --> 00:12:12,859 - Oh...kay. - Oh, da. 312 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,360 - No, shut up, listen. Listen to me. 313 00:12:14,402 --> 00:12:15,361 I'm gonna fix this. 314 00:12:15,403 --> 00:12:16,863 I will talk to the hosts. 315 00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:19,782 I will explain everything, and they'll kill the episode, 316 00:12:19,824 --> 00:12:23,911 and they'll probably give me a do-over, maybe even a medal. 317 00:12:23,953 --> 00:12:26,456 I'll fix it. I'm gonna fix it. 318 00:12:26,497 --> 00:12:27,915 [door opens] - Oh, God. 319 00:12:27,957 --> 00:12:29,584 - [groans] [door closes] 320 00:12:29,625 --> 00:12:32,545 [electronic music] 321 00:12:32,587 --> 00:12:37,383 * * 322 00:12:37,425 --> 00:12:40,303 - Cool. It's like a scary adult preschool. 323 00:12:40,344 --> 00:12:44,724 * * 324 00:12:44,766 --> 00:12:45,975 - You came. 325 00:12:46,017 --> 00:12:47,894 - I'm sorry. Is it okay? 326 00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:49,395 I just needed a change of scenery. 327 00:12:49,437 --> 00:12:51,731 - This is a safe space emotionally. 328 00:12:51,773 --> 00:12:53,399 Physically, it's full of tetanus. 329 00:12:53,441 --> 00:12:55,193 - Oh. Eh... 330 00:12:55,234 --> 00:12:56,402 - So... 331 00:12:56,444 --> 00:12:57,904 how are you feeling? 332 00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,530 - Uh, I don't know. 333 00:12:59,572 --> 00:13:01,157 Not good. 334 00:13:01,199 --> 00:13:03,785 I know Bumper was just trying to do the right thing, 335 00:13:03,826 --> 00:13:05,995 but he messed up my whole plan-- 336 00:13:06,037 --> 00:13:07,580 write songs in secret for decades, 337 00:13:07,622 --> 00:13:08,915 release one perfect album, 338 00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:10,291 and then walk away while I'm on top 339 00:13:10,333 --> 00:13:12,460 to become a self-righteous animal rights activist. 340 00:13:12,502 --> 00:13:15,088 - Wow. 341 00:13:15,129 --> 00:13:17,131 You got the next six years planned out. 342 00:13:17,173 --> 00:13:18,591 - Yeah. - Sounds hard. 343 00:13:18,633 --> 00:13:20,093 I don't even know how I'm gonna end this sentence. 344 00:13:20,134 --> 00:13:21,219 Basketball, milkshake, Denmark. 345 00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:23,179 - I've always been this way. 346 00:13:23,221 --> 00:13:24,514 There were just so many things 347 00:13:24,555 --> 00:13:26,766 that I couldn't control when I was a little kid 348 00:13:26,808 --> 00:13:29,060 moving around all the time. 349 00:13:29,102 --> 00:13:30,978 I am literally allergic to chaos. 350 00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:32,563 My head swells up like a beach ball 351 00:13:32,605 --> 00:13:34,315 if someone changes a dinner reservation. 352 00:13:34,357 --> 00:13:36,317 - That's no way to live a life. 353 00:13:36,359 --> 00:13:37,443 - Mm. 354 00:13:37,485 --> 00:13:38,778 - That changes today. 355 00:13:38,820 --> 00:13:41,280 Eccentrics, gather around. 356 00:13:41,322 --> 00:13:44,951 It's time to fix an American. [cheering] 357 00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:48,413 - Oh, have you guys done this before? 358 00:13:48,454 --> 00:13:50,039 Stranger danger. 359 00:13:50,081 --> 00:13:52,917 - Heidi being mad at me-- worst feeling I've ever felt 360 00:13:52,959 --> 00:13:54,293 in my entire life, 361 00:13:54,335 --> 00:13:56,337 and I've had hemorrhoids before and also now. 362 00:13:56,379 --> 00:13:58,297 Wait, you're not still mad at me, are you? 363 00:13:58,339 --> 00:14:00,591 Please say no. - Well, I'm angry at-- 364 00:14:00,633 --> 00:14:01,926 - The situation? Me too. 365 00:14:01,968 --> 00:14:03,970 This situation is so bad. 366 00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:05,430 Me, Bumper-- I'm a good guy. 367 00:14:05,471 --> 00:14:08,099 Frankly, this situation can hike up a volcano 368 00:14:08,141 --> 00:14:09,851 and dip the tip in lava. 369 00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:11,728 I'm glad we're on the same page, Pieter. 370 00:14:11,769 --> 00:14:14,147 - [sighs] 371 00:14:14,188 --> 00:14:16,149 [clears throat] Hello. 372 00:14:16,190 --> 00:14:18,234 Um, Pieter Kramer, Bumper Allen. 373 00:14:18,276 --> 00:14:20,737 We're just going back up to the "Sour Pickles" studios. 374 00:14:20,778 --> 00:14:23,656 - I'm sorry, guys, but your appointment is over. 375 00:14:23,698 --> 00:14:25,241 I cannot let you up. 376 00:14:26,659 --> 00:14:29,203 - [through clenched teeth] Okay, I'll make a distraction, 377 00:14:29,245 --> 00:14:31,497 then you make a run for it, okay? 378 00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:38,129 [normal voice] Oh, my God, that man has a gun! 379 00:14:38,171 --> 00:14:40,131 - [laughing] Where would he get a gun? 380 00:14:40,173 --> 00:14:42,133 This is Germany, guys. 381 00:14:43,384 --> 00:14:45,595 - Stupid, safe, wonderful country. 382 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:51,100 - [sighs] Okay. Heidi... 383 00:14:51,142 --> 00:14:53,978 give me a tattoo... 384 00:14:54,020 --> 00:14:56,689 of anything you want. 385 00:14:56,731 --> 00:14:58,024 - What? No. 386 00:14:58,066 --> 00:15:00,026 I don't know how to tattoo someone. 387 00:15:00,068 --> 00:15:01,944 - Guess what. I don't care. 388 00:15:01,986 --> 00:15:04,113 Put your worst art ever out there. 389 00:15:04,155 --> 00:15:07,492 Nothing you make is ever going to be as bad as this, 390 00:15:07,533 --> 00:15:08,576 or as permanent. 391 00:15:08,618 --> 00:15:10,536 - Where did you even get this pen from? 392 00:15:10,578 --> 00:15:11,662 From the ground? 393 00:15:11,704 --> 00:15:13,247 That's where worms have sex. 394 00:15:13,289 --> 00:15:17,668 - If you don't tattoo me in ten seconds, I will tattoo you. 395 00:15:17,710 --> 00:15:18,711 Ten... - No you won't. 396 00:15:18,753 --> 00:15:19,712 - Nine... - You're lying. 397 00:15:19,754 --> 00:15:20,713 - Eight... - Okay, okay! 398 00:15:20,755 --> 00:15:21,756 - Se-- - Okay. 399 00:15:21,798 --> 00:15:23,800 I will tattoo you. 400 00:15:23,841 --> 00:15:25,885 Take a seat, madam. 401 00:15:25,927 --> 00:15:27,887 Do you want me to do it in front of all these people? 402 00:15:27,929 --> 00:15:29,555 - Yep. - Oh, so this is where-- 403 00:15:29,597 --> 00:15:31,307 where you want me to do? 404 00:15:31,349 --> 00:15:32,392 Okay. 405 00:15:32,433 --> 00:15:34,602 I will do it. [chuckles nervously] 406 00:15:34,644 --> 00:15:36,437 Mm. 407 00:15:36,479 --> 00:15:37,980 Does that hurt? 408 00:15:38,022 --> 00:15:41,692 It seems like it doesn't hurt her at all. 409 00:15:41,734 --> 00:15:43,444 Oh, mm. 410 00:15:43,486 --> 00:15:46,989 Oh, wow, I am really good at this. 411 00:15:47,031 --> 00:15:49,075 I think I might have found my calling. 412 00:15:49,117 --> 00:15:51,619 This is awesome. Oh, my God, I did it. 413 00:15:51,661 --> 00:15:54,539 I did it! I did it, I did it, I did it! 414 00:15:54,580 --> 00:15:56,749 - You did! What is it, though? 415 00:15:56,791 --> 00:15:58,084 A bowling ball? 416 00:15:58,126 --> 00:15:59,752 - It's my favorite actress-- Sandra Bullock. 417 00:15:59,794 --> 00:16:01,003 Everyone loves Sandy. 418 00:16:01,045 --> 00:16:02,588 - See? 419 00:16:02,630 --> 00:16:03,798 You weren't prepared. 420 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,675 You can't fix it. 421 00:16:05,717 --> 00:16:07,969 But you survived. 422 00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:09,679 Though I'm not sure I will. 423 00:16:09,721 --> 00:16:11,639 I think you hit bone. 424 00:16:11,681 --> 00:16:14,434 - Oh, this feels amazing. 425 00:16:14,475 --> 00:16:17,311 Normally I don't go anywhere without an A-plus health grade 426 00:16:17,353 --> 00:16:19,439 and a visible choking-safety poster, 427 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,275 but this is the beginning of a brand-new Heidi. 428 00:16:22,316 --> 00:16:24,026 Do any of you guys want a tattoo? 429 00:16:24,068 --> 00:16:25,611 I'm a pro now. [all muttering] 430 00:16:25,653 --> 00:16:27,280 [cell phone chimes] 431 00:16:27,321 --> 00:16:29,157 Oh, God, it's Bumper. - Oh. 432 00:16:29,198 --> 00:16:31,242 - "Couldn't even get past the turnstiles. 433 00:16:31,284 --> 00:16:34,203 "Gonna drink, bye. Siri, find the closest bar. 434 00:16:34,245 --> 00:16:36,789 "Oh, shit, I'm still texting. Siri, stop texting. 435 00:16:36,831 --> 00:16:40,084 Oh, no, this text is going to cost me so much money." 436 00:16:40,126 --> 00:16:43,546 [sighs] You know, my plans are screwed, 437 00:16:43,588 --> 00:16:46,215 and things are already out of my control. 438 00:16:46,257 --> 00:16:48,551 Maybe I should just improvise. 439 00:16:48,593 --> 00:16:50,303 Yeah. 440 00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:54,057 Let's go save my song. 441 00:16:54,098 --> 00:16:55,808 And you know what? 442 00:16:55,850 --> 00:16:57,185 You know what? 443 00:16:57,226 --> 00:17:00,188 I am finally gonna get an electric toothbrush. 444 00:17:00,229 --> 00:17:02,106 What am I waiting for, an invitation? 445 00:17:02,148 --> 00:17:03,524 [laughs] Whoo! 446 00:17:09,113 --> 00:17:11,616 - We have an appointment. - Of course. 447 00:17:11,657 --> 00:17:12,950 - Can you believe it? 448 00:17:12,992 --> 00:17:14,619 I didn't even know that's what I was going to say 449 00:17:14,660 --> 00:17:16,204 until seconds before I said it-- 450 00:17:16,245 --> 00:17:18,122 parsnip, injection, catacomb. 451 00:17:18,164 --> 00:17:22,585 [rhythmic smacking and clanking] 452 00:17:22,627 --> 00:17:26,589 - * And a decent whiskey for the day * 453 00:17:26,631 --> 00:17:30,843 * When I'm gone, when I'm gone, mm-hmm * 454 00:17:30,885 --> 00:17:34,639 * You're gonna miss me when I'm gone * 455 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:35,973 You'd never believe it, 456 00:17:36,015 --> 00:17:38,893 but this was, like, a huge deal. 457 00:17:38,935 --> 00:17:40,978 Everyone loved it. They lost their minds for it. 458 00:17:41,020 --> 00:17:42,814 - They loved it? 459 00:17:42,855 --> 00:17:44,565 - I don't get it either. 460 00:17:48,027 --> 00:17:49,987 I'm sorry I messed everything up. 461 00:17:50,029 --> 00:17:53,282 - So Heidi really wrote that song? 462 00:17:53,324 --> 00:17:55,660 Heidi? - Yeah. 463 00:17:55,701 --> 00:17:57,829 It was... 464 00:17:57,870 --> 00:17:59,997 magic. 465 00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:02,333 - She's worked for me for seven years. 466 00:18:02,375 --> 00:18:04,210 I knew she went to music school, 467 00:18:04,252 --> 00:18:06,629 but she never told me she could do that. 468 00:18:06,671 --> 00:18:09,257 I'm trying to be a manager. I can't even detect 469 00:18:09,298 --> 00:18:11,718 talent directly under my nose. - I know. 470 00:18:11,759 --> 00:18:13,970 - My mustache could be Oscar Isaac, 471 00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:15,346 and I wouldn't know. 472 00:18:15,388 --> 00:18:18,099 Maybe I deserve to have my career destroyed. 473 00:18:18,141 --> 00:18:19,392 - Seems harsh. 474 00:18:19,434 --> 00:18:21,686 - I guess it's true what they say... 475 00:18:21,728 --> 00:18:24,313 you miss 100% of the shots you take. 476 00:18:28,359 --> 00:18:31,362 When the episode comes out, pin it all on me. 477 00:18:31,404 --> 00:18:34,240 Pin that tall tale on this tall donkey. 478 00:18:34,282 --> 00:18:36,200 Tell them I demanded you lie about the song. 479 00:18:36,242 --> 00:18:37,702 You can still make Unity Day. 480 00:18:37,744 --> 00:18:39,954 You can still be a star without me. 481 00:18:39,996 --> 00:18:41,789 - Pieter, don't talk like that. 482 00:18:41,831 --> 00:18:44,250 - Oh, God, now I can't even talk right? 483 00:18:44,292 --> 00:18:46,711 - Hey, sad boys. Got big news. 484 00:18:46,753 --> 00:18:48,713 We talked to the hosts of "Sour Pickles"-- 485 00:18:48,755 --> 00:18:50,423 - Wait, you got into the building? How? 486 00:18:50,465 --> 00:18:52,550 - It wasn't that hard. - Was it a disguise? 487 00:18:52,592 --> 00:18:54,343 Or you slid underneath the turnstiles, 488 00:18:54,385 --> 00:18:57,055 then whipped out nunchucks like turtle power? 489 00:18:57,096 --> 00:18:59,640 - Shut up. Shut up. 490 00:18:59,682 --> 00:19:01,976 We got "Sour Pickles" to pull the episode. 491 00:19:02,018 --> 00:19:04,270 - All we have to do is have Pieter give an interview 492 00:19:04,312 --> 00:19:06,856 about Gisela's involvement in the DSM scandal. 493 00:19:06,898 --> 00:19:09,734 They've heard rumors that she was responsible, 494 00:19:09,776 --> 00:19:11,652 but they've never been able to confirm it. 495 00:19:11,694 --> 00:19:13,529 Pieter... 496 00:19:13,571 --> 00:19:15,698 is it true? 497 00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:16,908 - It's true. 498 00:19:16,949 --> 00:19:18,534 [electronic music] 499 00:19:18,576 --> 00:19:20,828 Ultimately, it was my fault. 500 00:19:20,870 --> 00:19:22,705 I was the one who pushed the button, 501 00:19:22,747 --> 00:19:26,292 but, yes, technically, Gisela was the one 502 00:19:26,334 --> 00:19:28,002 who thought to use the sound machine 503 00:19:28,044 --> 00:19:29,587 for Das Sound Machine. 504 00:19:29,629 --> 00:19:31,297 [crowd cheering] 505 00:19:31,339 --> 00:19:35,551 However, it was I who flipped it on and I who was caught. 506 00:19:35,593 --> 00:19:37,762 I promised I would never reveal her involvement. 507 00:19:37,804 --> 00:19:40,765 [crying] 508 00:19:40,807 --> 00:19:42,725 We were dating and in love at the time. 509 00:19:42,767 --> 00:19:44,852 - [shouting in German] 510 00:19:44,894 --> 00:19:46,062 - I did it! 511 00:19:46,104 --> 00:19:48,648 * * 512 00:19:48,689 --> 00:19:51,609 She left me immediately after the news broke. 513 00:19:51,651 --> 00:19:57,073 * * 514 00:19:57,115 --> 00:19:59,784 And then my heart broke. 515 00:19:59,826 --> 00:20:01,536 - Oh. 516 00:20:01,577 --> 00:20:04,288 - Pieter, I had no idea. Why didn't you tell us? 517 00:20:04,330 --> 00:20:05,456 - My sense of honor 518 00:20:05,498 --> 00:20:07,792 always outweighed my desire for revenge, 519 00:20:07,834 --> 00:20:10,461 and also, I maybe still have stupid feelings for her, 520 00:20:10,503 --> 00:20:12,630 which I deal with by doing 1,000 push-ups every day. 521 00:20:12,672 --> 00:20:14,590 - Oh, my God, you still love her. 522 00:20:14,632 --> 00:20:17,844 - Yes, I know it's shameful, but I find her so irresistible. 523 00:20:17,885 --> 00:20:20,096 It's the part of me I like the least, 524 00:20:20,138 --> 00:20:21,639 and I have seven nipples, 525 00:20:21,681 --> 00:20:23,641 and they are not where you think they are. 526 00:20:23,683 --> 00:20:25,143 - Okay. 527 00:20:25,184 --> 00:20:26,728 So let me get this straight. 528 00:20:26,769 --> 00:20:28,146 If you do this, 529 00:20:28,187 --> 00:20:30,440 my disaster interview goes away, 530 00:20:30,481 --> 00:20:33,526 and you throw dirt on our main rival for Unity Day, 531 00:20:33,568 --> 00:20:36,612 and the story makes you seem more sympathetic, 532 00:20:36,654 --> 00:20:40,533 and it helps repair your reputation, 533 00:20:40,575 --> 00:20:43,578 and it gets you over your toxic ex? 534 00:20:43,619 --> 00:20:45,830 Guys? 535 00:20:45,872 --> 00:20:47,832 Okay, I'll be the one to say it. 536 00:20:47,874 --> 00:20:49,333 This certainly feels 537 00:20:49,375 --> 00:20:51,961 like a "kill a bunch of birds with one stone" situ-aish. 538 00:20:52,003 --> 00:20:55,840 * We making down pillows tonight, boys * 539 00:20:55,882 --> 00:20:57,091 And girls. 540 00:20:57,133 --> 00:21:00,094 - Never do that again. But maybe he's right. 541 00:21:00,136 --> 00:21:02,680 Gisela deserves everything that's coming to her. 542 00:21:02,722 --> 00:21:07,393 Gut her, Pieter. End it once and for all. 543 00:21:07,435 --> 00:21:09,353 - This is the right thing to do. 544 00:21:09,395 --> 00:21:11,314 Gisela's your competition. 545 00:21:11,355 --> 00:21:13,149 [sighs] She's also bad, 546 00:21:13,191 --> 00:21:14,859 even if she also makes me horny 547 00:21:14,901 --> 00:21:16,569 and the thought of hurting her makes me feel 548 00:21:16,611 --> 00:21:19,197 like I'm wearing someone else's wet bathing suit. 549 00:21:19,238 --> 00:21:23,367 Oh, why must I still pine for her sweet sherbet kisses? 550 00:21:23,409 --> 00:21:25,203 What a cruel reality of life 551 00:21:25,244 --> 00:21:27,663 that we can't choose for whom we ooze. 552 00:21:27,705 --> 00:21:31,250 [sighs] I'm just glad I can do something to help you, Bumper. 553 00:21:31,292 --> 00:21:32,835 - Oh, God. 554 00:21:34,879 --> 00:21:36,881 You can't do this. 555 00:21:36,923 --> 00:21:38,466 - What do you mean? 556 00:21:38,508 --> 00:21:39,926 - It's not right. 557 00:21:39,967 --> 00:21:42,053 I mean, sure, it would get me off the hook, 558 00:21:42,095 --> 00:21:43,930 but that's not your job-- 559 00:21:43,971 --> 00:21:46,891 certainly not at the expense of your heart. 560 00:21:46,933 --> 00:21:48,309 No. 561 00:21:48,351 --> 00:21:50,895 It's my job. 562 00:21:50,937 --> 00:21:52,397 I mean, you got me here. 563 00:21:52,438 --> 00:21:55,733 You set me on the path to Unity Day. 564 00:21:55,775 --> 00:21:57,944 [sighs] I have to right this ship. 565 00:21:57,985 --> 00:22:00,488 [sucks teeth] I mean, it's my dream. 566 00:22:00,530 --> 00:22:03,157 I have to start taking responsibility for my actions. 567 00:22:03,199 --> 00:22:04,951 - Then what are you going to do? 568 00:22:04,992 --> 00:22:06,911 - [sighs] I think I have to do something 569 00:22:06,953 --> 00:22:09,080 I haven't done in a very long time. 570 00:22:09,122 --> 00:22:11,416 - What's that? 571 00:22:11,457 --> 00:22:14,335 - Try to think of something. 572 00:22:14,377 --> 00:22:15,920 - Yeah. 573 00:22:15,962 --> 00:22:19,465 [dramatic music] 574 00:22:19,507 --> 00:22:21,926 - I told my friends I'd fix this, but... 575 00:22:21,968 --> 00:22:23,845 I have no idea how. 576 00:22:23,886 --> 00:22:26,723 - It's like my coach from the East German Olympics team 577 00:22:26,764 --> 00:22:28,391 used to say-- don't do the high jump 578 00:22:28,433 --> 00:22:31,102 if you've taken the steroids for shot put. 579 00:22:31,144 --> 00:22:33,563 Play to your strengths. 580 00:22:33,604 --> 00:22:36,149 - [chuckles] Yeah. 581 00:22:36,190 --> 00:22:39,360 Well, the only thing I'm good at is ruining things. 582 00:22:39,402 --> 00:22:43,114 * * 583 00:22:43,156 --> 00:22:44,240 Wait a minute. 584 00:22:44,282 --> 00:22:45,533 - No. 585 00:22:45,575 --> 00:22:49,203 * * 586 00:22:49,245 --> 00:22:51,456 - [chuckles] 587 00:22:51,497 --> 00:22:55,877 * * 588 00:22:55,918 --> 00:22:57,420 - Bumper. 589 00:22:59,464 --> 00:23:01,591 - Tell me you didn't call an emergency team meeting 590 00:23:01,632 --> 00:23:02,967 to get matching jackets. 591 00:23:03,009 --> 00:23:04,969 - No, but we should put a pin in that, 592 00:23:05,011 --> 00:23:07,555 because that is a very, very good idea. 593 00:23:07,597 --> 00:23:11,225 Okay, so you know how I always mess everything up? 594 00:23:11,267 --> 00:23:12,268 - Yes. - Oh, yes. 595 00:23:12,310 --> 00:23:13,436 - Big-time. 596 00:23:13,478 --> 00:23:17,482 - Okay, well, what if this time, 597 00:23:17,523 --> 00:23:20,777 I mess something up on purpose... 598 00:23:20,818 --> 00:23:22,653 to help us? 599 00:23:22,695 --> 00:23:25,323 Would you guys trust me to do that? 600 00:23:25,364 --> 00:23:27,325 - Yeah, actually. - Actually, yes. 601 00:23:27,366 --> 00:23:28,701 - Thank you. 602 00:23:28,743 --> 00:23:30,995 Because what I have in store is gonna make 603 00:23:31,037 --> 00:23:35,124 "Sour Pickles" look like small p-- 604 00:23:35,166 --> 00:23:37,210 pickles. 605 00:23:37,251 --> 00:23:39,337 [distant cheering] - Yeah. 606 00:23:39,379 --> 00:23:40,797 - Here we go. 607 00:23:40,838 --> 00:23:45,343 [crowd cheering] 608 00:23:45,385 --> 00:23:48,304 - Hello, my little Gise-lads 609 00:23:48,346 --> 00:23:51,557 and Gise-lasses! 610 00:23:51,599 --> 00:23:55,812 - And what's up, all my Bumper Gump shrimps? 611 00:23:55,853 --> 00:23:58,523 - Yes! Bumper Gump shrimps! 612 00:23:58,564 --> 00:24:00,358 Bumper Gump shrimps! - Gump shrimps! 613 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:03,486 - Bumper Gump shrimps-- shrimps... 614 00:24:03,528 --> 00:24:04,946 - [through clenched teeth] What the hell 615 00:24:04,987 --> 00:24:06,739 do you think you're doing, you silly little kinder man? 616 00:24:06,781 --> 00:24:08,950 Are you perhaps lost on your way 617 00:24:08,991 --> 00:24:12,245 to one of Berlin's many world-famous chocolate shops 618 00:24:12,286 --> 00:24:13,830 or museums? [laughs] 619 00:24:13,871 --> 00:24:15,623 - No, I was just thinking, 620 00:24:15,665 --> 00:24:18,501 what if we turn this little concert 621 00:24:18,543 --> 00:24:21,087 into a little riff-off? 622 00:24:21,129 --> 00:24:22,797 [crowd cheering] 623 00:24:22,839 --> 00:24:26,050 - Of course you are challenging me to a whiff-off. 624 00:24:26,092 --> 00:24:28,803 You Americans, you are obsessed with your whiff-offs. 625 00:24:28,845 --> 00:24:30,805 - Whiff-off? - Yeah, a whiff-off. 626 00:24:30,847 --> 00:24:32,640 - It's a riff-off. - Whiff-off. 627 00:24:32,682 --> 00:24:34,559 - Riff-off. - You said whiff-off. 628 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,144 I said whiff-off. - Okay. 629 00:24:36,185 --> 00:24:39,814 - And I would love to be a part of the whiff-off, 630 00:24:39,856 --> 00:24:42,108 but, unfortunately, the a cappella bylaws 631 00:24:42,150 --> 00:24:44,360 clearly say a "quowum" of a cappella peers 632 00:24:44,402 --> 00:24:45,611 must be "pwesent" 633 00:24:45,653 --> 00:24:47,530 for a whiff-off to be legally binding. 634 00:24:47,572 --> 00:24:49,282 So it's sad, yeah. 635 00:24:49,323 --> 00:24:51,701 - It's actually not sad, nein. 636 00:24:51,743 --> 00:24:53,161 It's not sad at all, 637 00:24:53,202 --> 00:24:57,623 because if you were to reread page 45, paragraph 7, 638 00:24:57,665 --> 00:24:59,083 it clearly states, 639 00:24:59,125 --> 00:25:02,128 "In the case of an international riff-off 640 00:25:02,170 --> 00:25:05,798 "within 100 kilometers of a fordable river, 641 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,509 the quorum can be waived"! 642 00:25:08,551 --> 00:25:10,178 [cheers and applause] 643 00:25:10,219 --> 00:25:13,473 - All right, then, what are the stakes? 644 00:25:13,514 --> 00:25:15,266 - If I win, 645 00:25:15,308 --> 00:25:16,934 I get to say whatever I want 646 00:25:16,976 --> 00:25:19,270 to all of your followers on your livestream. 647 00:25:19,312 --> 00:25:21,439 all: Ooh! 648 00:25:21,481 --> 00:25:24,609 - Okay, and, uh, when I win? 649 00:25:24,650 --> 00:25:27,737 - If you win, I will... 650 00:25:27,779 --> 00:25:29,363 go back to America... 651 00:25:29,405 --> 00:25:32,116 all: Ooh! [cheers and applause] 652 00:25:32,158 --> 00:25:33,534 Today. 653 00:25:35,536 --> 00:25:38,623 - All right, then, I agree to your terms. 654 00:25:38,664 --> 00:25:42,293 But we are on my home turf, 655 00:25:42,335 --> 00:25:45,588 so the theme is Germany. 656 00:25:45,630 --> 00:25:48,383 You will sing German songs, 657 00:25:48,424 --> 00:25:52,804 and I will sing American songs. 658 00:25:52,845 --> 00:25:54,847 [laughs] 659 00:25:54,889 --> 00:25:56,933 [cheers and applause] 660 00:25:56,974 --> 00:25:59,268 - You're about to go down. 661 00:25:59,310 --> 00:26:01,979 * Here I am * 662 00:26:02,021 --> 00:26:05,274 * Rock you like a hurricane * 663 00:26:05,316 --> 00:26:07,110 * Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! * 664 00:26:07,151 --> 00:26:09,362 - [beatboxing] - * Here I am * 665 00:26:09,404 --> 00:26:10,571 * Rock you like a-- * 666 00:26:10,613 --> 00:26:11,989 - * But I have to charge * 667 00:26:12,031 --> 00:26:14,242 * My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard * 668 00:26:14,283 --> 00:26:16,202 * And they're like, it's better than yours * 669 00:26:16,244 --> 00:26:18,246 * Damn right, it's better than yours * 670 00:26:18,287 --> 00:26:19,956 * I can teach you * [singers vocalizing] 671 00:26:19,997 --> 00:26:22,458 * I know you want it * 672 00:26:22,500 --> 00:26:24,502 * The things that makes me-- * 673 00:26:24,544 --> 00:26:26,003 - [hisses] 674 00:26:26,045 --> 00:26:28,965 - * Du hast, du hast mich * - [beatboxes] 675 00:26:29,006 --> 00:26:31,801 - * Nyah, nyah, nyah * 676 00:26:31,843 --> 00:26:33,469 - * Do what I wanna do * 677 00:26:33,511 --> 00:26:35,388 singers: * It's my prerogative * 678 00:26:35,430 --> 00:26:37,515 - * Oh, no, no * [all beatboxing] 679 00:26:37,557 --> 00:26:39,684 * Don't ask me questions * 680 00:26:39,726 --> 00:26:42,145 * Why am I so real? * 681 00:26:42,186 --> 00:26:43,771 * But they don't understand-- * 682 00:26:43,813 --> 00:26:46,023 - * No one understands what Major Tom sees * 683 00:26:46,065 --> 00:26:47,442 * Now the light commands * 684 00:26:47,483 --> 00:26:48,985 - You're supposed to be helping me. 685 00:26:49,026 --> 00:26:51,112 * I'm coming home * - * Four, three, two, one * 686 00:26:51,154 --> 00:26:54,282 * Yeah! * - * Earth below us * 687 00:26:54,323 --> 00:26:56,534 * Drifting, falling * 688 00:26:56,576 --> 00:26:58,703 - You're supposed to be doing my song. 689 00:26:58,745 --> 00:27:00,705 - * Floating weightless * - Oh! 690 00:27:00,747 --> 00:27:02,415 - * Calling, calling-- * 691 00:27:02,457 --> 00:27:05,293 - * We could be homeless, we could be broke * 692 00:27:05,334 --> 00:27:09,047 * As long as you love me, I'll be your platinum * 693 00:27:09,088 --> 00:27:12,467 * I'll be your silver, I'll be your gold * 694 00:27:12,508 --> 00:27:13,968 * As long as you love-- * 695 00:27:14,010 --> 00:27:17,764 - * No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no * 696 00:27:17,805 --> 00:27:20,224 both: * No, no * 697 00:27:20,266 --> 00:27:22,143 - Oh, Gisela. 698 00:27:22,185 --> 00:27:23,311 Ooh, you lose. 699 00:27:23,352 --> 00:27:24,604 - What do you mean? 700 00:27:24,645 --> 00:27:26,647 - You see, Justin Bieber... 701 00:27:26,689 --> 00:27:28,024 is Canadian! 702 00:27:28,066 --> 00:27:29,025 all: Ooh. 703 00:27:29,067 --> 00:27:30,485 - Those were your rules, so-- 704 00:27:30,526 --> 00:27:34,989 - But he lives in America, and he loves money and fame, 705 00:27:35,031 --> 00:27:37,116 and he peed in the bucket. 706 00:27:37,158 --> 00:27:41,537 - And yet his blood runs maple. 707 00:27:41,579 --> 00:27:43,456 [Canadian accent] Sorry "aboot" it. 708 00:27:43,498 --> 00:27:44,999 [laughs] Where's the livestream? 709 00:27:45,041 --> 00:27:46,209 Hey! 710 00:27:46,250 --> 00:27:48,378 What's up? I'm Bumper Allen! 711 00:27:48,419 --> 00:27:51,255 Check out my new song, written by my girl 712 00:27:51,297 --> 00:27:53,549 Heidi Miller! 713 00:27:53,591 --> 00:27:56,636 [cheers and applause] 714 00:27:56,677 --> 00:28:01,099 You are so lucky you have an ex who is looking after you. 715 00:28:01,140 --> 00:28:03,726 Your career almost ended today. 716 00:28:03,768 --> 00:28:06,187 I know about the thing. 717 00:28:06,229 --> 00:28:08,439 - The bathroom looked like that before I went in there, 718 00:28:08,481 --> 00:28:10,066 I swear. 719 00:28:10,108 --> 00:28:12,819 - I'm talking about the DSM thing. 720 00:28:12,860 --> 00:28:17,031 Your thing sounds gross. 721 00:28:17,073 --> 00:28:18,408 I won! 722 00:28:18,449 --> 00:28:21,577 [cheers and applause] 723 00:28:21,619 --> 00:28:23,621 [upbeat music] 724 00:28:23,663 --> 00:28:25,540 - Off. - Thank you. 725 00:28:25,581 --> 00:28:26,707 Thank you. 726 00:28:26,749 --> 00:28:33,715 * * 727 00:28:40,138 --> 00:28:43,683 [music playing softly, indistinct chatter] 728 00:28:43,725 --> 00:28:45,309 - Pieter just heard that "Sour Pickles" 729 00:28:45,351 --> 00:28:47,478 pulled your interview since you scooped them 730 00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:48,813 on releasing your song. 731 00:28:48,855 --> 00:28:51,023 - Just to say it, I would love to work with you 732 00:28:51,065 --> 00:28:52,358 whenever you're ready. 733 00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:53,985 We are the most talented here, anyway. 734 00:28:54,026 --> 00:28:57,029 - You know it. [chuckles] - [grunts] 735 00:28:57,071 --> 00:29:00,116 [groans] Sorry, my tattoo's a little tender. 736 00:29:00,158 --> 00:29:00,992 - Sorry. 737 00:29:01,033 --> 00:29:03,286 - Team, great work today. 738 00:29:03,327 --> 00:29:05,955 And seeing Gisela glistening up there onstage 739 00:29:05,997 --> 00:29:09,542 inspired me to make a resolution of the heart. 740 00:29:09,584 --> 00:29:11,169 I deserve better than to be in love 741 00:29:11,210 --> 00:29:13,171 with the very woman who destroyed me. 742 00:29:13,212 --> 00:29:15,590 I will try to have the self-respect of a man 743 00:29:15,631 --> 00:29:17,633 with way fewer nipples. 744 00:29:17,675 --> 00:29:19,302 From here on out, 745 00:29:19,343 --> 00:29:21,929 I will no longer be under the spell of Gisela. 746 00:29:21,971 --> 00:29:25,683 From now on, my heart belongs to you all. 747 00:29:25,725 --> 00:29:27,268 - Turtle power. 748 00:29:27,310 --> 00:29:29,520 - Turtle power. - Turtle power. 749 00:29:29,562 --> 00:29:31,105 - Whoo! 750 00:29:37,361 --> 00:29:38,488 - Hello, Pieter. 751 00:29:40,281 --> 00:29:41,991 - Gisela. 752 00:29:42,033 --> 00:29:44,827 - I heard you saved my hide today, 753 00:29:44,869 --> 00:29:48,664 and so I thought you might as well feel it. 754 00:29:48,706 --> 00:29:51,667 [intriguing music] 755 00:29:51,709 --> 00:29:57,256 * *