[espresso machine spitting]
[liquid pouring]
- * Well, sometimes I go out by myself *
* And I look across the water *
Whoo-hoo! - Scheisse!
- * And I think of all the things, what you're doing *
* And in my head, I'll paint a picture *
- Hey--ugh.
- * Oh, since I've come on home *
* Well, my body's been a mess *
* And I miss your ginger hair and the way you like to dress *
* Won't you come on over? *
* Stop making a fool out of me *
* Why don't you come on over, Heidi? *
[Amy Winehouse's "Valerie"]
* Heidi *
[upbeat music]
* Heidi *
* *
* Heidi *
* Hei-- *
[notification chimes]
- * Ba ba ba ba ba *
- Snap out of it, Bumper!
- I shower before bed so I'm always clean when I get in it.
Therefore, my sheets are always clean
because the body in them is clean.
So by transitive property, I never have to wash my sheets.
- Ah. - I do not shower.
I trust my sexual partners to lick me clean.
- Gross. - That's a lot of trust.
- Hello!
A very equal hello to all of you.
Individually, I am greeting you all individually,
and no one more than the other.
Hello, Hodie.
I didn't realize you were going to be here today.
- Uh, you didn't--
did you just call me Hodie? - Did I?
- Yeah. - You know what I think it is?
It's 'cause I think about you so infrequently,
it wasn't, like, on the tip of my tongue.
I sometimes forget it. It's not Hodie?
- It's Heidi. - OK, now it's back.
- Why wouldn't Heidi be here?
- Yeah, they were all on the text thread.
- OK, why are we hashing this out right now?
Let's just get down to business 'cause I, for one,
am here for a business meeting, so...
- Well. [clears throat] I called you here
to discuss our strategy
for the Unity Day auditions tomorrow.
[echoing] First things first...
- Heidi, you have a little eyelash.
- Oh, I do?
- Do you mind if I get it?
- Yeah, sure, OK.
- Actually, no, it's just a shadow cast
on your perfectly symmetrical--
- Bumper! - Hmm?
- Focus up! - Yep.
- We've been preparing for this day for months now.
- Work mode. Focus up!
Getting focused.
You know what, I need to feng shui this place
real quick. - What?
- For me it's like an energy thing
in here right now, if you guys could just switch places?
- OK. - Yeah.
You go over there. Thank you. - Sit here?
- Sit right where you're at. - Don't move Sebastian.
- To me, this works better.
That's a really good spot, right there.
Carry on.
- OK.
Yeah? - Yep.
- Let's go over our likely panel of judges one more time.
Our toughest judge will be--
- OK, I know this one.
Um, uh, not my feet, but my Hans.
- Yes, Hans Schroeder.
His incisive critique is so sharp,
they call him Edward Scissor-Hans.
- Scissor-Hans, that's funny.
- [gasps] Bumper!
Yogurt? - That's not mine.
- Nein!
- Ow! - It wasn't mine.
- For the next 24 hours, I don't want your throat
anywhere near dairy. Understood?
- I have to be totally honest.
I eat an ice cream sundae every morning for breakfast.
- What? - You know what?
I'll downgrade to a bowl of sprinkles
if it'll help me perform better.
- It will, and thank you. - You have got this, Bumper.
We've been doing everything right.
Your songs are popular.
That scrappy little video that we made--
without Klaus's help, thank you very much--
it's a hit, booboo.
You've got this. You've got real fans.
- [giggles] - And besides...
- She called me booboo.
- Other than Gisela,
this is basically your newcomer competition--
the Oppenheimer Family Band.
- Ugh, I hate family bands.
It's cheating to start a band with the people you invented.
- Also, they're stupid. - Ugh.
- You've got a great shot tomorrow, Bumper.
All you need to do is focus up.
- Yeah, no, totally ficus up.
[dreamy music]
* *
- What the [bleep] are you doing?
- Hmm?
- * Bow bow bow bow bow *
* Bum bum bum *
- I cannot believe you brought us here, Pieter.
This is the best restaurant in Berlin.
- This is Bumper's last meal before he's a superstar.
Food will taste different to him after tomorrow.
- Ooh, isn't that not my feet, but my Hans?
- Yep.
- Oh, yeah, that is Hans Schroeder,
the Unity Day judge. Wow.
How strange that he is at his favorite restaurant
on his anniversary, which I discovered
by poring over marriage announcements
on newspaper microfiche. What?
- You devious little minx of a manager.
This was your plan all along, wasn't it?
Sorry, I'm not good at winking.
- OK, I'm going to go put in a good word for you.
You sit tight.
I'll hit you with a signal if he wants to meet.
[clears throat]
- What--what's the signal?
We'll figure it out.
- Hans, hello.
Welcome to me, Pieter Kramer.
And please say hello and welcome
to Bumper Allen over there.
- Hi, Hans!
- Yes, you will be hearing him with your ears tomorrow.
- Ah, yes.
I'm seeing Bumper Allen at last.
- What do you think?
Why don't we just skip those auditions
and just get this guy booked, right?
I'm kidding, of course.
Unless that is possible?
- This is the artist formally known as Prawns.
[all laughing] Like Prince.
- The judging committee feels--
[glass shatters] - Oh, son of a--God dang it!
All right, we'll just-- will these sop it up?
It's not sopping it. - I don't know.
- Miss, hi.
Can I get a T-shirt from the gift shop?
- No. - Interesting.
Cracker Barrel has a gift shop.
- The judging committee feels Bumper
is not the best representative of what Germany has to offer.
Then there's you, Pieter.
Your name is still too toxic.
Your personal failings--
how do I say this in a kind way?
You make our genitals shrivel up with rage
at your music crimes.
- But I'll just be behind the scenes.
You won't even know I'm there.
I can duck in the crowd if that helps?
- I'm sorry, but we just can't be involved in all that.
Bumper is not going to get an audition.
- It's all over. This was my last chance.
- I'm sure there's something else, some other concert.
- That makes no difference.
Try as I might, I clearly will never outrun my shame.
- OK, guys, I think we need
to take a chillaxative, all right?
I will catch up to Hans and smooth this whole thing out.
- You just don't know when to stop, do you?
I was trying to help you make a good impression with Hans,
but you just made us all look bad.
- You're blaming me? - Yeah.
You're like a bumper car, just bouncing and crashing
into everyone without a care in the world,
treating Germany like your private playground,
which, by the way, is a public playground
because Germany is a wonderful place to raise a family.
- Oh, yeah? Well, we would have still been in there
eating fancy seafoam if you hadn't turned
the whole industry against us with your cheating!
- Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, come on now, OK?
So no Unity Day. So what?
We'll just keep working on Bumper's career
like we have been.
Easy-peasy. We can figure this out.
- No, we won't, Heidi.
Not every problem can be solved by being perky and optimistic.
- Yes, they can.
- Oh, I am so tired of humoring you two all the time!
- Pieter, hold on.
- Is that what you have been doing
all of these years, humoring me?
Is managing me some sort of pity thing for you?
- Well, it definitely wasn't because
of the money I was making.
Oh, God, I'm better off moving to the country
and cutting off sheep testicles like my ancestors.
I resign as a manager.
- What? - Fine!
Then I pre-emptively fire you as my manager.
- Thea, are you going to say anything?
- I'm staying out of this.
I don't care. - Oh, of course you don't.
- You never care about anything.
- Let's just hash this out real quick.
- I'm sorry, Bumper.
But everyone's just out for themselves.
You could've stayed in America for that.
You never should have come here.
[somber music]
* *
- [singing in German]
[soft upbeat music]
- What shall we toast to?
The German law that states freedom
is a basic human dignity?
- Whatever. Does it matter?
My friends hate me and each other,
and all my dreams are dead.
- Oh, dreams are what your brain does
when it's being lazy.
- [laughs] Yeah, that's true.
- Ah.
- [gulps] Ooh, I didn't like that.
I didn't like that.
I'll take a lemon drop.
But hold the sugared rim.
Since I no longer have to worry about working hard
or pursuing my dreams, I can dedicate my life
to drinking and being sad,
which is very close to my dream of drinking and being happy.
Donk-ee.
- That reminds me of when the wall was constructed
through the middle of my schoolyard.
It happened so quickly that many of my friends
were suddenly just on the other side.
I never saw them again.
[air rushing]
- What?
I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you just said.
But on top of losing the chance at Unity Day
and everyone turning on each other,
the real kicker,
even Heidi said I shouldn't have come to Germany.
I really care for her.
If that's how she feels, there's nothing I can do.
- Well, Bumper, only dead fish go with the flow.
[toilet flushes]
- [coughs]
You are so wise.
You're right. This can't be it.
There has to be something I could do.
- Oh, I was speaking about a dire problem
regarding the hostel's plumbing,
but I'm glad it also applies here.
- Hans!
German Unity Day Judge Hans Schroeder,
I know you live here, 'cause the internet told me.
I couldn't find a boombox at this time of the night,
but luckily, I got the greatest boombox
of all time right here,
my dang mouth.
* I'll be there for you *
* These five words I swear to you *
[mumbling] * I'll be here for you *
* I'll be there for you *
[dogs howling]
* Hans! *
Give me a chance, man!
I was put on this Earth to be a song and dance man.
Hans! [scoffs]
Uh, you think I messed everything up?
Well, I'll show you how I can...
[unzipping] Mess things up.
[upbeat music]
Ah.
Draw a little eighth note for you.
Uh-oh, here comes the crescendo.
[siren wailing]
Oh, no.
[zips]
I'm sorry, officers.
There was a miscommunication--
I can't believe I'm going to the slammer.
Now Martha Stewart and I have two things in common.
I also think the secret is in the marinade.
- The only slammer you will be going to
is the one that slams you with medicine and nice care--
the hospital.
- In Germany, we take drunk people
to the hospital for a thorough health evaluation.
We rehydrate them, hmm?
So their hangovers are not too severe and send them home.
- Are you crazy?
I can't go to the hospital. I don't have any money.
[both laughing]
- You silly lemon-lipped man!
The hospital is free, of course.
- God damn, that shit's funny. - [chortles]
- What good is amazing free healthcare
and the humane treatment of the drunken and disorderly
if you don't have anyone to share it with?
[somber music]
* *
* Lay a whisper *
* On my pillow *
* Leave the winter *
* On the ground *
both: * I wake up lonely *
* There's air of silence *
* In the bedroom, ooh *
- * And all around *
- * Touch me now * [Bumper beatboxing]
* I close my eyes *
- * And dream away * - * Dream away *
all: * Dream away *
- * It must have been love *
all: * Must've been love *
- * But it's over now *
all: * But it's over now * - * It must have been good *
* But I lost it somehow *
* It must have been love * all: * Must've been love
- * But it's over now *
* It must have been love *
[Roxette's "It Must Have Been Love"]
* *
- I'm going to need another.
- The doctors told me to cut you off.
- Please?
Thank you.
I know you're probably busy
and don't want to hear about my devastating heartbreak,
both professional and personal.
But I could really use someone to chat with.
- You have complimentary personalized stationery
next to your bed.
Perhaps you can put your feelings there.
- Wait, my Jell-O!
"Dear Hans,
eat my butt."
OK, and that one's done.
[crumpling paper]
"Dear Heidi.
Hey, you."
[sentimental music]
* *
You have been so supportive of me.
And honestly, I don't know if I deserve it.
I don't know if I deserve any of you.
I know you said I shouldn't have come here, but...
it is one of the best decisions I've ever made.
I came to this strange place.
But little did I know, I was coming home to you.
That was good.
[machine beeping]
[tapping]
[percussive rhythm]
* *
- * My way home *
* I'm on my way home *
How long have you been here?
- Your emergency contact was a Jersey Mike's
in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.
- No, that's my friend, Jersey Mike.
- His first name is Jersey?
- Yeah. - OK.
Well, anyway, they found me under recent calls,
so here I am.
Um, Bumper, I'm so sorry.
I was just frustrated and embarrassed.
You didn't deserve it.
- I'm so sorry too.
I forgot how much you do for me
and how much you've been through.
So don't ever feel like you let me down
because I'm the one who let us all down.
Can you just tell Thea and Heidi that I'm sorry?
- Tell them yourself.
- Thea and Heidi?
Oh, my God--how long have I been here?
- [clears throat]
- Pieter texted you were having a rough time.
- Oh, thank God.
- So here we are.
We all made up on the way.
- I promised Heidi I would care about three things a week.
And so far, it's you and a cool bat I saw.
- I feel honored.
- And I apologized to Heidi
for projecting my insecurities on her.
She's been nothing but loyal, and I blew it.
- And I apologize for nothing
because I didn't do anything wrong.
How's that for being less perky?
- Ah.
- That's really good.
- Bumper, um...
I didn't mean what I said.
I was just upset.
I'm so glad you came here.
[soft sentimental music]
- I have never had friends like you guys before.
In college, I got my appendix taken out.
Treblemakers didn't even send me flowers.
To be fair, I did just dox all of them
for singing out of tune.
No future senators in that crew.
[chuckles]
A lot of dudes, a lot of buttholes.
A lot of butthole photos.
That wasn't my best or my worst.
I've done some horrible things.
I'm also sorry about what I said and did and peed.
- Well, no matter what, we all have each other.
[machine beeping increases]
- Shall we spring you?
- Yep, grab all the free shit you can.
[soft upbeat music]
- Hey, free coat rack.
Oh, shit! We got a leaker!
Hey, I know Unity Day's already ruined,
but there is a silver lining.
I wrote a pretty good song.
all: You wrote a song?
- Yeah, why are we so surprised?
[sentimental music]
- * I am turn, turning *
* Into something different than before *
* 'Cause every turn I'm turning *
* Takes me to your door *
* What if far and away doesn't feel so far? *
[all applauding]
- Wow. That was incredible, Bumper.
I mean it. None of us thought you could do that,
never in a million years.
- Making art from your pain, huh?
You really are a Berliner.
- It seems like you were listening
when I taught you how to write a song.
- Well, I had a pretty great teacher.
- More bitter rhubarb wine, anyone?
- Sure. - Yes.
- Let's get drunk again.
What's the worst that could happen?
They throw me back in the most glamorous hospital
I've ever been in,
and then all my best friends show up?
- So now that we don't have any upcoming work events
to plan for,
maybe we should all just have a good time together.
I think I'm hallucinating due to lack of sleep.
I feel weirdly empowered by my distorted reality.
I think I'm gonna run for office
when all of this is over.
Uh, cheers.
- Cheers. - Yes.
- OK, I'd vote for you.
- Oh, thanks.
[coughs] Seriously, what is in this?
- Rhubarb, salt, and rocks.
- You know, I'm still really bummed about Unity Day.
I feel like Berlin has given me so much.
I just wish I could give back in some small way.
- Well, I wish you could have the chance to get on stage
at Unity Day to do just that.
- That's all that you need?
Don't you young people know a stage can be anything?
I once performed an entire production
of "Die Fledermaus" on the back of a hearse.
- Wait, Ursula,
are you saying all the world's a stage,
and I'm a freaking player?
[upbeat music]
Guys, I think we gotta give Berlin a little prezzy.
* *
- Luckily for us, my apartment building has a kickass roof.
- Here are the speakers you requested.
My friend Heinrich said we can borrow them.
He's owed me a favor ever since I lent him
one of my cleverest ravens
when he had to solve that witch's riddle.
- All right, Bumper, ready?
My--wee-wee!--fingers are getting tired.
- OK, any advice as my manager before I play?
- No.
But as your friend, blow the freaking windows
out of Berlin!
Oh, and as a volunteer fireman,
please stay away from the edge.
- Nervous.
Guten tag, Berlin!
My name is Bumper Allen.
Ick liebe dick.
- Oh, no, a jumper!
- Close--a Bumper.
[electric sentimental music]
* *
* I'm walking streets that do not know me *
* Passing signs all trying to show me the way back home *
* The way back home *
* A strange man feeling ever more strange *
* And still trying to find a way back home *
* A way back home *
* I am turn, turning *
* Into something different than before *
* 'Cause every turn I'm turning *
* Takes me to your door *
* What if far and away doesn't feel so far? *
* What if home's wherever you are? *
* I'm already home if I'm where you are *
[crowd cheering]
Thank you, Berlin!
Enjoy your morning coffee!
- Whoo! - That was beautiful, Bumper!
I usually dislike love songs, OK?
But I just imagined you were singing to a spider or a bat.
- For sure. - I knew you had it in you.
I'm going to say to you what my own father
will never say to me.
I am so proud of you, my son, Pieter Kramer,
and I think you are smart enough to wear laced shoes.
- OK. Yeah.
- Uh-oh.
- That's fine. I'll go freely.
I will die for my music.
- Thank you.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Bumper Allen, which it is.
We've been holding Unity Day auditions next door,
and half of our acts left to watch you.
I'm sure that wasn't a coincidence.
- Nope, it wasn't.
I figured if the auditions don't go to us,
we'll go to the auditions.
- Wait a second.
This is not your apartment building?
- Oh, hell no, dog.
I just followed someone in because it's next door
to the Unity Day offices.
We rock and rolled and broke and entered.
- Apparently loud in front of them.
- Yeah, oops.
- Well, it appears Berlin loves your song.
I mean, a lot of those people were
drunk from the night before, - I could tell.
I was drunk when I wrote the song.
- That's true.
- But against all odds, you've generated genuine enthusiasm.
And you may still be a controversial figure,
but it's clear you did a good job with Bumper.
- Yes, he did.
He's a great manager and a great friend.
He knows all the coolest roofs to book me on
and tells me when I have chocolate on my face,
which is a lot.
I eat a chocolate sundae every morning for breakfast.
Classic style. - He does. He shares.
Fine, we both do it.
You've converted me.
- It seems that our country has two deserving newcomer
acts this year.
We'd like to offer you the opportunity
to share the spot with Gisela.
For the first time, we can have two newcomers
in the spirit of unity.
- Yes.
- In the spirit of unity.
Mwah!
I didn't know what to do. - It works.
- I kind of freaked out. - That's fine. Toodles.
[all screaming]
- Oh, my God!
Whoo!
[all screaming]
OK, but seriously, now we have to go because we
did break and enter. - Yeah, OK, yep.
- Oh, yeah.
- Can we just leave everything?
- Just throw it off the side! - OK.
- Oh! I missed it! All right, listen, watch this.
Oh, miss it, miss it, miss it.
[all cheering]
It only took me 15 tries.
Man, hot dogs in Germany are so much more fun
than hot dogs in America.
I love slurping me down some German wieners.
- I still can't believe that my client
has secured the coveted newcomer spot at Unity Day.
You are German like a Grimm brother.
- Wilhelm. - Oh, yes.
- Because I do not mess with Jacob.
- Nasty.
- Yeah, that guy's a psychopath.
- Killed several sheep.
- Man, I freaking love you, dude.
- I love you as well.
That was the first time ever doing that.
- Oh, really? - It was terrible.
I apologize.
- We should, like, practice it or something.
- Allow me to rehearse in the mirror
for several hours tonight.
- You don't have to. - OK.
- I just can't believe we actually did it.
- I can.
I always knew you could.
[sentimental music]
- Heidi, I...
- Bumper Allen.
- Wow.
News of Unity Day must travel fast.
More fans already.
I hope it's not nudes because I don't have my pen.
- Bumper Allen, you are being deported
by the German government.
- Wait, what?
[upbeat rock music]
* *
- *Scheisse! *
* *
*Scheisse! *
* *
*Scheisse! *
* *
*Scheisse! *
* *
*Scheisse! *
* *
*Scheisse! *
* *
*Scheisse! *