GUNSHOT, THUD
# Do you remember the first time
# That my eyes set on you
# Your smile came from nowhere
# For some time never Or sometime soon
# The road is a long one
# I was only passing through
# I was only passing through. #
Merry Christmas!
Ready for an adventure? Yeah. Where we off to again?
My friend Lydia owns a beautiful little hotel in the mountains,
and she wants us to come in as partners.
So I said to her, "Entertain me and all my friends for the night,
"and we'll think about it."
Yes, they're doing a murder mystery night.
Oh, no, no. You kept that quiet.
Oh, don't be such a grinch. It'll be a laugh.
I totally agree, Jean, and I know Lydia's gone to a lot of trouble.
You see, Lydia, I like. But I'm not too keen on the husband, Martin.
Absolute sleazebag.
The hotel is also meant to be haunted.
Some poor madwoman shot herself in the garden,
and, apparently, her spirit has never left.
Oh, whatever you do, don't tell Gloria.
Yeah.
Hiya.
Where's... Where's Cooper?
Oh, he's had to go back to the States.
His mum's not well.
Nothing that can't be sorted. Think she was just missing her baby.
I know how that feels. Yeah, we both do.
Right, come on. Let's get going. No, no, we're waiting for Caron.
What, you... You've invited Andre?
Good grief, no. It was Dominic's idea.
Well, it's this time last year when he lost his wife,
and I thought it might be nice if he could come.
I mean, Christmas must be awful for him now.
Oh, talk of the devil. Look at you!
Haven't seen you in normal... ish clothes.
Where are we going again?
A hotel in the mountains. I'll explain on the way.
You're in with me and Jean in Madeline.
It's about an hour away. In Madeline?
Maybe we could use my police car as it's uphill.
Madeline will be absolutely fine, thank you very much.
Come on, ladies.
Now, it's a bit of a squeeze, but you'll manage.
There we go.
SHE GRUNTS
Only an hour or so. In you get.
SHE SIGHS
Absolute luxury. Let's get going.
Where would you like your tea, sir?
Where I always have it, Johnson.
Will that be all, sir?
What's that? Is that milk?
MARTIN SIGHS
I asked for chamomile.
Oh, leave it.
Oh!
Agh!
How long, darling? Do we need to stop for refreshments?
We've only been on the road for ten minutes, darling.
It's only an hour or so, so let's just push through, eh?
Lydia?
What do you want? I'm busy.
I have a very important evening to prepare for
if we've any chance of Judith and Jeremy investing.
You know this is our last chance?
And you know whose fault that is, Martin?
And that, dear, is why I'm trying to fix it.
There's no way that Lloyd James will invest on the outgoings we have now.
Like what?
We have to let Johnson go.
Oh, we inherited the old fossil anyway.
I'm not sure. He does, what? Cooking and serving as well as reception.
I've drafted a termination letter. But you're right.
We do need him tonight.
We'll serve it on him tomorrow when the guests have gone.
Ah. You must be our murder mystery actors.
And you must be Madame Harris? It is a pleasure to meet you.
I'm Yves, and these are my fellow performers, Lea and Brigette.
Bonjour. Bonjour.
Well, you come very highly recommended.
Tonight is a very important night, so we're pleased you're here.
Ah, we are very honoured to be here.
We are the best in the business and won't disappoint you.
Darling, the key.
Is there anything you require as part of the performance?
No, madame, we come entirely self-contained
to provide a wonderful evening of mystery and murder.
Oh, how splendid. Jolly good. Right then. Johnson?
Johnson? Oh, where is the man? Johnson?
Ah. Johnson, show the actors to their room
and get them some refreshments?
This way.
It's gonna be a huge storm tonight, I can feel it in my bones.
Oh, yeah? What bone's that, then? The big toe on his right foot.
When it aches, we know there's going to be a storm.
He's usually pretty accurate.
And when did you discover this miraculous toe-shaped weather vane?
Oh, it's much more than a weather vane, Dominic.
I discovered my rather unusual talent in my childhood, actually.
My father never once stepped on a golf course
without consulting me first.
Wow, that is handy, innit? Oh, yes.
There will be a storm tonight, old chap.
'Ey, nobody mentioned to bring waterproofs.
You don't believe that rubbish, do you? I mean, look at that sky.
Hardly a cloud. Hmm.
You all right?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
Yeah, beautiful.
How dare you fill my hotel with so many beautiful women!
Hello, you two, you look like you've been working hard.
Preparing for your visit.
Jeremy. Hello, Martin.
Lydia, good to see you.
And you must be Gloria and Jean.
I'm Gloria.
Forgive me. All this glamour makes me a little giddy.
Let's see which rooms you're staying in. Come with me, ladies.
So, four double rooms have been booked.
Oh, no, that's not right.
We were told there were two couples and two singles.
Oh, dear, I must've written it down wrong.
We only have four double rooms available.
Three of our other rooms are under renovation,
and we need one room for the actors.
Oh, I can't share, not with my hot flushes.
Well, what we gonna do?
Well, Dom could share with Jeremy. Oh.
Then Caron and Gloria can have their own rooms,
then I'll stay with you, Jean.
It's only for a night. And I'm only little.
That's all sorted, then.
Be like being back at Harrow without the beatings, eh, Dom?
Yeah, just like that.
Isn't she wonderful? Come on, old chap.
I've got the key.
No, It's just around here, look. It's up these stairs.
Hey, I loved her scarf.
Yeah. Oh, girls, I've left my bag in reception. I won't be a minute.
All right, then. Oh.
Oh, do you want a hand? No, I'm fine.
No, let me help you with that big one.
No, it's fine. No, look, come on, Gloria.
You can't do them both.
I can, I'm fine! You're all right, it's bigger than you.
Oh.
Do you want me to hold that chair for you? Looks precarious.
No, I'm fine.
Er, hi, hello. I'm Johnson the butler, by the way.
Just getting some cutlery down for tonight.
Mrs Harris likes to have everything just so
for the murder mystery night.
Great, well, I'll see you later, then.
I'm glad somebody appreciates it.
Oh, lovely. Thank you so much, Johnson.
Oh, here's the actors. Oh, look.
You're keeping all the handsome guys to yourself.
They're all yours.
Hi, handsome. My name is Cindy Savage.
What's yours?
Andre Caron. Oh, French. How exotic.
What about you, big boy? What's your name?
Dom... Dom... Dominic. Oh, you're English.
Er, kind of. I'm from Stoke, so...
I couldn't help but notice your very long legs, Dom.
May I call you Dom? Yeah.
I can't hear you, Dom. Yeah, you can call me Dom.
JEAN LAUGHS
I would guess that those long legs are really good for running.
Oh, I don't really do much running. I do driving.
Oh. Now, suppose I wanted to get out of somewhere quickly?
Why would that be necessary?
I'm just saying, if I needed to escape,
you could be my perfect partner in crime.
Oh, silly me! What did I say? You said the word crime.
You could sweep me up and carry me into the sunset.
What is she talking about?
Come on, roomie. Let's have a dance.
Oh, well, actually, I'm OK, but I'm sure Dom would love to.
I think you would find I was here first.
Let's ask Dominic to choose, shall we?
Oh, I need the loo. What a shame.
Are there any toilets on this floor, Judith? Erm...
Left out of here.
Left again, and then right at the end of the corridor.
And the door is opposite the Monti bust.
Thank you, Cindy Savage.
No, don't...
I'm dying to know what a Monti bust is.
Oh!
You don't say anything to my wife. Please. Look, I'll pay you...
Oh, sorry. I was looking for the Monti bust, whatever that is.
No? OK, I'll leave you to, erm...
Oh, that's a Monti bust.
I'm not sure what you expect.
Hey, you'll never guess what I just seen.
Oh! Here we go.
Oh, here we are. Tell you in a minute.
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girl.
Welcome to the Sanguinet Club.
Hello, handsome.
Ooh!
I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you.
Oh, dear. Ooh!
I bet my news is worse than yours.
Don't you come in here playing the big man.
I know you stole my money.
He stole your money too?
Why, I ought to... The worst thing I ever did
was getting involved with you two broads.
Well, you're going to pay, lover.
Oh!
THEY LAUGH
GUNSHOT, SCREAMING
What have you done?
You mean what have YOU done?
SHE SCREAMS
MARTIN GROANS
SPEAKS IN FRENCH
The road to the hotel has been flooded by the storm.
We are on our own. I will need your help.
I am Inspector Caron.
I demand that everyone stays exactly where they are.
And please turn out your pockets and handbags.
Whoever did this is still in the room.
You will now all be searched, one at a time.
Please cooperate.
These unusual circumstances require unusual measures.
Er, Caron, you might want to take a look at that.
No, this is not a real gun.
It's the one we always use.
He's right.
MAN CLEARS THROAT
Sir, maybe it might be an idea to get everyone
a whisky for their nerves.
Of course, but I would like you to be accompanied.
I-I don't mind giving him a hand.
We could rustle up some food as well.
Before you go, do you have a tablecloth here?
I shall set up an incident room in the reception area.
Dom, if you could take everyone through to the morning room
to wait until I have had a chance to question them.
Of course.
If you'd like to follow me through, please.
Jean, if you could take photos of the crime scene,
No, of course not.
Judith's keeping charge in the morning room.
Now, why was Martin pointing at this painting?
It's called Queen Marie Antoinette Of France
And Her Two Children Walking In The Park At Trianon.
Wow. Snappy title (!)
Also known as The Doomed Queen.
Oh. That's catchier.
It's by Adolf Ulrik Wertmuller, a very famous Rococo artist.
Oh, this is a copy.
I just wondered why, why he was pointing at it.
Mm.
Let me do some notes and then bring those dreadful actors in first.
SHE CHUCKLES
She's got a look of Joan Sims.
We're on the board of our local theatre.
Oh, really?
Well, I say board, we're now more the primary shareholders, aren't we?
What kind of production?
I played Joan of Arc a couple of years ago.
Ah! My dream role.
Australian. It was a reworking of the original text.
Sold out for the entire run,
weren't we, darling? Mm.
Must have been VERY emotional. Oh, it really was.
And how long was the run?
Three nights.
Theatre runs in my blood, you see.
Oh, yes.
The business of show is something that has always really beckoned me.
I'm not one for name-dropping, but I was in Shirley's Shakers, you know.
Pardon?
We were very big in the East Midlands.
Where?
I would have worked all round the world
if it wasn't for my dropped arches.
Oh, now, darling!
Erm, Caron would like to speak to the actors now, please.
Oh!
Oh, them.
So we have Lea E'Mile, Yves Cordon and Brigette.
How do you all know each other?
We...
After you, my love.
Myself and Yves met at Cours Florent years ago.
Mm.
Wow! Cours Florent. What an amazing drama school.
It is.
When were you there? Er... 2009, 2010?
Can we concentrate, please?
Of course. Sorry.
And you, Brigette?
It is my first time with this company.
I was in between jobs, and the audition came up.
And none of you had ever met Mr Harris before?
Mm.
Well, that, that's not quite true, though, is it?
THUNDER RUMBLES
Well, when I popped to the toilet, I saw you and Martin holding hands
and chatting.
Sorry, I tried to tell you, and then they burst into action and...
Well? Brigette?
SIGHS
OK!
I had only been on a few dates with Martin.
And no, I had no idea he was married.
I was shocked when I found out he had a wife.
How did you meet?
Online.
I had no reason to kill him. Even if he did lie on his social media.
If this is true, I will need to see your messages on this dating app,
and personally to Martin.
Jean!
E-Excuse me.
They were gonna sack Johnson?
Yeah.
Oh, my God. Gloria!
DOOR SLAMS, SHOUTING IN DISTANCE
Come back here! Oi!
All right. Uh-uh.
He just dumped these on me and ran!
Why did you make a run for it?
Did you know about this?
I heard them talking about firing me,
but this is the first time I've seen it in print.
How long have you worked for the Harrises?
Over 30 years.
My previous boss was a lovely man.
Treated me with such dignity and kindness.
What happened to him?
He died. Of a heart attack,
leaving his wife and little girl behind.
And stricken with grief and depression, she took her own life,
on that very terrace.
The day I saw that poor little child walk down the drive alone...
..was the worst day of my life.
Martin took over not so long after,
and has been beyond vile to me ever since.
I only stayed because of Lydia.
But I am not a murderer.
I disagree. I know you did it.
And I know where you hid the gun.
Come with me.
Jean, that is a crime scene. You cannot go in again.
Trust me.
OK. Quickly.
You see, you laid silver cutlery, not gold.
I think I know where you hid the gun.
What?
Money? You stole from them?
No. It is what I am owed. I deserve much more.
We will have more questions, but for now,
Dom will take you back to the morning room.
Come on. Lydia, wait!
I know she's told you everything.
So you think it's me who killed him? I beg your pardon!
I haven't said a word about your alley cat of a husband, actually.
Please calm down, madam.
Look, I know husband has had affairs most of his life,
but here is something you don't know.
The last little filly he had was 24
and managed to wangle 50,000 euros out of him.
That's why we needed your investment.
I had every reason to kill him,
but then I discovered he'd cashed in his life insurance,
so that wasn't even an option for me.
You see, he was worth more alive to me than dead.
At least I still have the hope that you might invest.
But now, I have nothing. I...
I-I can't even afford to bury him.
God!
Dom, please get the rest of them in here.
Can you all come in here, please?
Ladies and gentlemen...
Can we go now? We've got another booking to prepare for tomorrow.
This is a murder investigation.
Also, the floods have blocked the road. No-one is going anywhere.
And may I remind you that a man has lost his life this evening.
I would like you all to go back to your respective rooms,
lock your doors and keep your phones on at all times.
I have all of your numbers.
As soon as back-up arrives, I will let you know.
Dreadfully traumatised at what happened this evening.
But having a girls' night is rather exciting, isn't it?
Yeah. So, where did you meet Lydia?
Oh, we worked at the same office together in London many moons ago.
Shall I let you into a little secret?
Oh, go on.
But you mustn't tell Jeremy. Oh, are you sure you wanna tell me?
Martin worked at the same office, too.
I knew him very well. Oh, right.
I mean very, very well.
Oh, right.
Oh, he was devastatingly handsome.
And a phenomenal lover.
OK. But an absolute cad.
I mean, I dropped him, of course,
when I found out what a bounder he was. And then he got with Lydia.
Well, I guess what Jeremy doesn't know can't hurt him.
Exactly. Poor old Lydia, though.
Martin never changed his alleycat ways.
Mind you, he was quite discreet at the country club. We all knew.
Still, I suppose it doesn't matter now, does it?
No. No, I suppose it doesn't.
Right.
What about... a cheeky gin nightcap? Oh!
Judith, is that an Ergo hip flask? I've not seen one of those for ages.
That won the British Design Award in 1986. I love them!
Oh, I don't know what it is, darling.
Jeremy bought it for my birthday that year,
and I've never been caught short since.
CHUCKLES
CREAKING
Funny.
Thought I locked that door.
Erm... Judith, erm... make mine a large one.
Oh, wow. Those are class. Really beautiful.
Now, to be honest, Dominic, I usually sleep in the buff.
But I'm gonna make an exception for you.
That's a lovely mental image, thank you.
THUNDER ROLLS
Let me in! Let me in!
Gloria!
There is a murderer wandering around.
You're not supposed to leave your room!
Oh. Stopping, then, are you?
Good grief. Who would have thought it, eh?
A thunderstorm, a murder, and let's not forget about the ghost.
Ghost? What ghost?
HE MOUTHS
What?
Nobody mentioned a ghost.
Host. I meant host.
A poor, murdered host.
Dom, I'm really frightened.
It's all right, look, I know you are, Glo.
Look, go back to your room, lock the door and I will FaceTime you.
Promise?
All right. All right, don't worry.
Ooh!
Erm... Would you like to use the bathroom first?
Probably best.
I need to exfoliate.
SNORING
THEY MOUTH
SCREAMING
GASPS
SNORING
I said the blue one, dear.
SNORES
Hello?
SCREAMS
Oh!
What are you doing?!
What, by scaring me half to death?
I couldn't sleep. I had to have a look around.
Everything's spinning round in my head.
I just couldn't bear the night talking.
Lord knows what goes on in Jeremy's head.
No, no, no, don't turn that on, we'll wake everyone up.
I've got my phone on me. Right.
Just so I can see where I'm going, you know?
Oh, right.
Well, they all seem a bit dodgy to me, to be honest.
You can say that again.
There's something bugging me.
Now, Lea and Yves said they went to the best drama school in France,
but they're blooming terrible!
I am gonna check the roll call for that drama school.
Right. OK.
2009. 2010.
No sign of 'em.
There's something about Lea's name that I can't put my finger on.
So...
..our strongest suspects are Lydia and Johnson. Correct.
Lydia, well, Martin's cheated on her over and over again.
Maybe Lydia found out about Brigette and just thought, "Enough's enough."
Yeah, but what about Brigette?
We don't know that she didn't have any feelings for Martin, do we?
Well, they did seem very intense when I saw them together.
Well, maybe, her fellow actors...
Whoa, let's use that term very loosely.
Huh! Well, maybe they helped her hide the murder weapon.
But how?
Caron searched everyone and everywhere,
and it's like that murder weapon just disappeared into thin air.
Oh!
I'll tell you what, though, this place probably...
Ooh!
It's all right.
It's only the storm.
That's exactly what they say in horror films
before the fellow with the chainsaw appears wearing his mam's blouse.
I've got a hunch.
Go on.
We have to go in the dining room.
Yeah, we have to.
Please, Dom.
Yeah, and as Caron said, it is a crime scene.
Yeah, I know it is, but I'll put my gloves on.
Right, I'm off.
No. No. Dom...
Dom, just please, just give me a minute, give me a minute.
Look. Right. So...
..he was pointing at that painting.
Why? What was he pointing at it for?
SHE SIGHS
It's Rococo, it's just a print,
it's nothing special.
Oh. I wonder...
Dom, hold this and point it at the painting.
KNOCKS ON WALL
KNOCKS AGAIN
GASPS
Murder weapon.
DOOR BURSTS OPEN
THEY SCREAM
Help! Help!
What on Earth is wrong?
What do you mean?
He's not looking too chipper, but he's just thrown off the tablecloth.
What are you talking about?
He's not alive. It-It was the wind.
It forced the window open, and it blew the tablecloth off Martin.
Am I to understand that you just entered the crime scene again?
Yeah, yeah, I know we shouldn't have,
but, erm, we found the murder weapon.
The murder weapon? But I searched that room high and low.
Where was it? Behind a secret panel.
OK, let me get my head round this. Let's get some lights on.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh.
Wait.
"Established 1987."
M...
GASPS
Caron, I think I know who did this.
I would like to thank you all for your cooperation
and support in the last 24 hours.
My colleague would like to say a few words.
Thank you, Andres.
Now, all three of you had a motive.
Johnson, you knew Martin was going to let you go.
When I disturbed you in the dining room,
you weren't reaching up for cutlery. No, you were hiding stolen cash.
But...
..I don't think you killed him.
Brigette...
..we now know that you were dating Martin.
How do we know how serious your relationship was?
I didn't know he was married.
And I certainly wouldn't have killed him for it.
Oh, he was very married. Indeed, Lydia.
If anyone had the strongest motive, it'd be you.
So much betrayal.
Well, it would be enough for anyone to want revenge.
But like you said, why would you kill someone
who was worth more alive than they were dead?
Well, looks like there's nobody left.
Apart from you two. Yves.
Lea. But what possible motive would you have to murder Martin?
We did it?
Oh, yes. Yes, it was definitely you two.
Do you remember that painting hanging up in the dining room,
the one that Martin pointed to when he was shot, mm?
Well, that's a very famous Rococo painting called The Doomed Queen.
But it wasn't the subject matter that gave me the clue.
No, it was WHEN it was painted.
You see, in the rococo period, morals were, er,
how shall we say? Loose.
And bed-hopping was just part of life.
But how did those young aristocrats get away with it in polite society?
'By leaving messages in fake walls.
'And sneaking through secret passages.
'Martin wasn't pointing at the painting.
'He was trying to tell us where the murder weapon was hidden.'
This is how I see it.
Yves came through to the dining room with a pop gun, and Lea,
you took your position near Martin.
Hello, handsome.
When Brigette turned the lights off, on cue, there was a huge fuss,
and Lea, you shot Martin at exactly the same time
that Yves fired his pop gun.
When you pretended to die,
you slipped the murder weapon under the table, and Yves,
you quickly secreted it in the hidden panel,
just before the lights came on.
Martin saw all this in his dying moments
and he tried to tell us where the gun was.
Now,
Lea, I'd suspected you'd been here before.
No, I hadn't.
But you told Dom where the bathroom was,
and you mentioned the Monti bust, The Veiled Lady by Raffaele Monti.
A copy, obviously. But giving precise directions,
well, that's a tad specific for someone who is staying in a room
on the other side of the hotel
and claims they've never been here before!
You also said you met at Cours Florent,
so I looked at the records from 2009 to 2010.
You were never there. So why lie?
SIGHS
Lea, I think you blurted out the first thing that came into your head
to try and cover up who you really are.
You see, when I was typing in your name, something rang a bell.
And then it came to me when I saw the sign in reception.
Established 1987,
M Mile,
but there's an apostrophe in front of the surname.
So I realised that there was a letter missing,
and on closer inspection,
'I discovered that the missing letter was the letter E.
'So it should have read M E'Mile.'
That's your name, isn't it, Lea?
Lea E'Mile.
Now, I think M E'Mile was your father.
And you were the poor child who tragically lost her mother
when she took her own life,
but what on Earth did Martin do to you
to make you murder him in cold blood?
I did live here. When I was a child.
My father, he died of a heart attack,
and my very vulnerable, grief-stricken mother
was seduced by Martin.
She was lost without my father
and Martin seemed like the knight in shining armour she needed.
He helped her run this place, but had to keep her a secret
because he was married.
He finally convinced her to sign the hotel over
on the promise he was going to leave Lydia and make a commitment.
Only one week later,
three days before Christmas, we got served eviction papers.
I saw my beautiful, heartbroken mother walk into that very terrace
and kill herself in front of my very eyes.
When we got the booking, all those feelings came flooding back.
That's when we got the idea.
You must really love her, Yves...
..to assist in murder.
I assume it was you who wrote the threatening letter?
I did what I had to do.
Sorry, something's bothering me.
If you knew where the murder weapon was last night,
why didn't you just come down and get it?
We did try and get it.
'Unfortunately, you and Jean stopped us.'
'Hello?'
RINGING
Caron.
SPEAKS IN FRENCH
The road is open again.
Back-up will be here in ten minutes.
Hey, Jeremy, it might be more useful if that toe of yours
could predict a murder rather than the weather.
My Auntie Mavis used to predict the bingo with her arthritis.
Oh, fascinating. Did she win?
Yeah, bought herself a penthouse in Marbella.
HE CHUCKLES
Hey. You were brilliant in there.
Oh! Thank you. You were quite the detective yourself.
Hey, at least no-one saw the ghost.
I'll take that for you.
SHE GASPS