Twenty-nine hours until Etienne gets here.
That's 16.5 Sleepless in Seattles.
We measure time in romantic comedies. We're adorable.
I'm so excited to finally meet your Canadian boyfriend in…
20 Pretty Womans!
Don't do that.
That's not for you.
Hey, if you need someone to drive you to pick him up, we can take you in my van.
And don't worry about the weird noise it makes.
It's been doing that since we started brewing our own gas.
Hey, Nate, too bad we broke up.
Could've gotten in on the ground floor of that million-dollar idea.
It's okay. I already asked Mrs. Forman to drive me.
I didn't want Etienne to get off the bus, see your van, and instantly hate America.
Why would somebody hate America?
Now you're a patriot? When we were in Philadelphia,
all you wanted to do was put your nuts on the Liberty Bell.
-Hey, Gwen. -Hey!
Your mom told me where you were. After she asked if my dad was single.
Cole, this is everyone. Everyone, shut up.
Wait, what's going on here? Are you two dating?
Let me catch everyone up. Gwen's got a boyfriend. I knew it first.
And the other night,
they tried to do it on the water tower, but there was a raccoon up there.
He's not my boyfriend.
The rest of it's true. That raccoon was a dick.
- Hi. - Mm.
-Ozzie. -Mm.
I rank all the guys at school, according to looks,
popularity, acts of service, and butts.
You're number one.
Yes. I… I got your letter.
What's up, bro? Jay Kelso.
AKA number 16.
Do some squats, man.
So, you must be the brother.
Nate. We had gym together.
Oh, that's right.
You climbed up to the top of the rope, but… couldn't get back down.
Yeah. It was super scary.
There was this one dude who kept throwing volleyballs at me.
That's how I get my Frisbee down from the tree.
Gwen, now that we both have boyfriends--
Chill out! He's not my boyfriend.
Not yet!
Oh my God!
Are they gonna be this weird every time I come over?
Oh, we're never coming back here again.
♪ Hangin' out down the street ♪
♪ The same old thing we did last week ♪
♪ Not a thing to do ♪
♪ But talk to you ♪
♪ We're all all right We're all all right ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
-Can you top me off, honey? -Sure, baby.
-Where's my wife? -That's what I wanna know.
-She's supposed to give me a ride, but-- -Already lost interest.
Red, get this.
The movers were helping me set up my new backyard.
You're not gonna believe what we found.
Other people for you to talk to?
Rattlesnake eggs.
I scooped them up and put them in here.
You gotta see these things.
You are in desperate need of a haircut,
and this is how you spend your time.
No one is gonna fall for this stupid prank.
Rattlesnake eggs?
Here in Wisconsin? That's wild!
Summer is the time of year when the mama snakes lay eggs.
Oh. Well, that makes sense.
No one wants to be pregnant in this heat.
Ooh. I feel 'em wiggling. I think they're about to hatch.
Oh!
Oh! Kitty! What happened?
Careful, Red.
There could be rattlesnakes everywhere.
Hey, Mrs. Forman. I just wanted to see how you're doing.
Oh, I'm fine. It's just a bad sprain.
And I don't really feel anything
because the doctor gave me these little beauties.
One a day! Ha!
Well, that ship has sailed.
Well, I'd love to help take care of you today.
I need service hours for National Honor Society.
I was going to volunteer at a youth camp,
but I'll drop out of high school before I have to pee outdoors.
Say it.
Pranks are stupid and immature, and I am sorry.
And?
I am as dumb as I look.
I'll get that.
Must be another casserole from the gals in the neighborhood.
Someone must have told them about my injury.
It was me.
-You're playing with fire, Kitty. -I only took three.
And a glass of chardonnay.
No. I'm talking about the casserole ladies.
Once you get to a certain age, there are a lot more ladies than men,
and if these broads think that Red's about to be on the market again,
they're gonna pounce.
What's he talking about?
He's saying that the casserole ladies are hoping you die.
But I think you should be good. It's just a sprained ankle.
Oh.
I might have said I had a collapsed lung.
I just… I didn't want those crappy muffins from Costco.
Getting old is bleak as hell.
Well, I don't think any of my friends are gonna go after Red.
And even if they did, the only woman Red wants is me.
Although I did have my suspicions about Carmen Electra.
He knew that answer on Jeopardy! a little too fast.
I am gonna kick your ass!
All that boyfriend crap you said in front of Cole?
Now he wants to have a talk… about us.
Exciting.
No!
He was gazing into my eyes and caressing my cheek.
Maybe you had some spinach there.
You really attack your food.
Leia, he's gonna ask me to be his girlfriend.
Why is that a bad thing?
Getting to girlfriend is the goal. Haven't you read Baby-Sitters Club?
"Girlfriend is the goal"?
You sound like a sexist drone. I don't want to be anyone's anything.
I heard you on the phone with him giggling like my dad when my mom cuts his toenails.
You really like him, right?
Fine. Yes.
So then why are you acting
like you've never been in a real relationship before?
Wait, have you never been in a real relationship before?
-Like, with feelings? -What?
Of course I have.
I've had buttloads of feelings.
Like right now, I feel like stuffing you into the microwave and pressing "popcorn."
You know what that prickly tone tells me?
For the first time, you need my help with life stuff.
Oh, how the tables have turned.
Thank you, Susan. You're just too kind.
And take down your damn Christmas lights. It's June.
Grandpa, you and Gwen are basically the same person.
But you were able to give your whole heart to Grandma.
-What made you take that leap? -Well, the war had started.
And the Army gave you an extra $12 if you were married.
Gwen, come on.
Just… take a chance. When are you gonna see Cole next?
-We're going to the movies tonight. -Perfect.
Just hold his hand, listen to what he has to say,
and keep your mind and heart open.
More boob than I thought I'd get.
Mine aren't in the middle as much as yours.
We're honored you asked us to drive you to the bus station.
There's no honor.
Since Mrs. Forman can't drive, I'm desperate.
I'd call a taxi if all those kids hadn't gone missing.
Dude, I know how important Etienne is to you, okay?
So, I'll be on my best behavior.
No hot-boxing,
no Dutch ovens, and no mooning, even if it's a school bus.
And you, no Jay Leno impressions.
I'll try, but… …we're gonna pick up your boyfriend.
What's that gonna be like?
What's with the strap?
That's our flying strap.
That's as fast as she goes!
I love us!
Something I came up with to help him with the breakup.
When you're up there,
all of your troubles blow away.
And sometimes your pants.
-Hey. -What's going on down there?
I thought I heard somebody spraying my Pam.
Was it Pam?
Oh God. I hate Pam!
The person. The cooking spray changed my life.
I don't know if it was Pam,
but there is a woman downstairs cooking Red some chicken.
In my oven?
Hey, Red.
Hello, Carmen Electra.
Hungry, baby?
I could eat.
Don't wanna make a mess.
Good thinking.
♪ Be my lover ♪
♪ Wanna be my lover ♪
♪ Looking back on all the time We spent together ♪
♪ You oughta know by now If you wanna be my lover ♪
♪ Wanna be my lover ♪
You want to shake or bake?
Well, the box says we're supposed to do both.
I have to get downstairs.
But you can't even walk.
You will be my legs.
Louise, you shouldn't have.
But I'm sure glad you did.
It's the least I could do.
Kitty's always been like a daughter to me.
Get away from my husband, you slut!
You should go.
Get her, Mrs. Forman.
You come back here!
No one shakes it or bakes it for my man.
Bus 289 from Quebec now arriving.
That's Etienne's bus.
I wish I still had those chocolates to give him.
The card said, "For my special guy." I thought that meant me.
Don't worry, bro. We got you.
There's a guy outside selling loose Tic Tacs.
I'll hook you up.
Never seen you nervous before.
Me? No. What? Shut up. Your face is nervous.
Oh. Here they come.
Wow.
Never realized how much Canadians look like us.
Welcome to America.
That guy's Walker.
He's a Texas Ranger.
Got it. Who's that guy?
He's a punk who's about to find out
why you don't mess with Walker, Texas Ranger.
Hey, how did it go with Cole at the movie?
What the hell, Leia? Do you tell your grandpas everything?
Go easy on her. She's on her period.
Grandpa, um, Gwen and I need to talk.
Oh. No problem.
I can tell when someone needs space.
I'm gonna go see what Red's doing.
So, what did Cole have to say?
I don't know. I broke up with him.
Holy Toledo! I didn't see that coming.
-Grandpa! -But I'm invested now.
Why would you do that? He could be the love of your life.
-You guys could be together forever. -Life is not a Disney movie, dude.
It can be.
My parents met in high school, so you never know.
Yeah. Well, that's your life.
I've seen my mom go through two divorces, which completely wrecked her.
She just joined a senior bowling league to meet guys. That's the end of the line.
I'm sorry, Gwen. No wonder you're scared.
I'm not scared. I'm just realistic.
Leia, have you seen Gwen?
Get rid of him.
Uh… She's definitely not here.
I don't know what's going on.
She just broke up with me out of nowhere.
Cole, she's just scared.
She doesn't wanna end up bowling with old people. You get that, right?
Nope. Uh… No, uh, look…
If she's scared, I wish she just would have told me that too
because… I'm scared.
Things were moving pretty fast with us, and I was mostly excited
because I… I think she's worth it.
You do?
Are you about to chop me up and put me in a suitcase?
It's not a horrible idea. He'd be yours forever.
Leia, I got this.
Look, I panicked. Okay?
I really like you, but the more I like you,
the more it's gonna suck if it doesn't work out.
It's gonna suck even more if we don't try.
Dammit. Why do you have to be so hot?
So, are we still broken up or--
No, you're my boyfriend. Keep up.
Good for you two.
Grandpa!
What?
I love love.
Is that him?
That's the driver.
Hey!
I found a gift shop.
They even had gay balloons.
Where's Etienne?
He's not here.
You boys need a taxi?
We're good.
You ready to talk about why you chased a 90-year-old woman down our driveway?
She's 81.
She just takes terrible care of her skin.
I am not proud of my behavior.
And I'm… I'm glad I missed her when I threw the basketball.
I just felt like I was stuck up here,
while all those women were taking care of you downstairs.
Oh!
You don't have to be jealous of those old bats.
You know, Elaine baked her Life Alert into a lasagna.
Well, I guess I just…
was afraid of being replaced.
Oh…
You know, I have a tape measure that I have kept for 60 years
because when I find something I like,
I stick to it.
But what about if it breaks?
Come on, Kitty.
You know you're the only gal for me.
Hey, Red.
Hello, Kitty Forman!
Hungry, baby?
I could eat.
What's for dinner?
Shake 'N Bake.
Ooh…
♪ Be my lover ♪
♪ Wanna be my lover ♪
♪ You wanna be my lover ♪
♪ Wanna be my lover ♪
♪ Go ahead and take your time, boy You gotta feel secure ♪
What's for dessert?
Oh, you're bad!
♪ Wanna be my lover ♪
You all right?
I just got dumped on a bus station pay phone.
So I'm feeling great!
Sorry.
I just get like that when I'm sad.
Or mad.
Or happy.
You know, Etienne doesn't deserve you.
Yeah, he's gonna die alone in his igloo or whatever they live in down there.
How could he just stop liking me?
It just hurts everywhere.
Man, do I know that feeling.
Dude.
It's gonna suck.
But you just have to find something that helps you forget for a little bit.
I love us!
♪ And in the end We shall achieve in time ♪
♪ The thing they call divine ♪
♪ When all the stars will smile for me ♪
♪ When all is well And well is all for all ♪
♪ And forever after ♪
♪ Well, baby, in the meantime Wait and see ♪
♪ We love the all, the all of you ♪