My head is pounding.
This hangover's killing me.
The field party was three days ago.
Sorry I know how to party, Gwen.
That field party ruined both of our lives.
Things are so weird with Leia.
I'm not built to last this long without the attention of a lady.
Bro, buy a Playboy.
Hey, guys, and et cetera.
Please, look at me, Leia.
I-- I get that you're mad.
All right? I wish I hadn't told so many other girls I love them,
but back then I was throwing it around loosey-goosey like I was feeding ducks.
And then you banged all those ducks.
Those ducks are people.
And how am I supposed to know you mean it with me when you've said it so many times?
Shh. Your voice.
I can't take your voice right now.
All right, we gotta get going. We're meeting Nikki at the mall.
And I get to spend time
with the last two girls in the world you haven't said "I love you" to.
Come on!
Nikki gave me the last Cheddar Bay biscuit at Red Lobster.
In the moment, I meant it!
Women, right?
I can't be this for you.
Where the hell is Nate when I need him?
No one can know about this.
Yes. That was the last time.
Definitely.
One for the road?
Waiting on you, cowboy.
How are you so out of breath?
-I did all the work. -It's from cheering you on.
Nik, I can't.
-Who are we kidding? -We're so good at it.
♪ Hanging out down the street ♪
♪ The same old thing we did last week ♪
♪ Not a thing to do ♪
♪ But talk to you ♪
♪ We're all all right We're all all right ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
Oh. Hey, is Gwen over here? The credit card company keeps calling,
and I need someone who can do a British accent to tell them I died.
You know, you don't have to tell me everything.
Better yet, don't tell me anything.
We're headed to the mall.
-Love you, Grandpa. -Bye, sweetie.
I took 20 bucks from your purse, and I'll be home before tomorrow.
You let her talk to you like that?
Oh, it's fine. She's just like me when I was her age.
Independent, rebellious, banned from Wrigley Field.
Yes, I will be right there. I am so excited.
Okay, you know how my ankle has still been bothering me?
Well, my friend, what's-her-name, got me an appointment with the guy
who helped fix her whatever-it-was.
Good for her for getting that figured out.
What kind of doctor is this?
Well, he's not really a doctor. He's a medicologist.
Which I actually think is better than a doctor.
Sounds like a quack.
He has a business card, Red.
And so does Bob.
And his says "International Bikini Inspector."
If people pay you to do it, it's a job.
I bet Jay would say he loved this one.
I love this one. And I love this one.
Ooh. I actually do love this one.
Hey, there you guys are.
What happened to you? We waited for half an hour by the fountain.
The fountain?
Oh, I thought we said "a mountain." I was at the state park.
Forty bucks for a miracle bra?
Are you kidding me?
You know they paid some kid overseas 30 cents to make this.
Classic patriarchal pink tax BS.
What could possibly justify this price?
I'm a woman now.
It really does work miracles.
I think I just got dumber, and I don't mind.
I wish I had 40 bucks,
but I spent all my holiday money on a label maker.
We could always forget to take them off and walk out of here.
We are not shoplifting.
-What do you think you're doing? -Looking amazing?
Run!
I really screwed things up with Leia.
How can I trick her into trusting me again?
Have you considered not tricking her?
Don't screw around. This is serious.
We need a great idea.
What if I made a clone of myself?
Leia could love him, since he's never done anything wrong.
But how will she know that the clone's not me?
Wig.
I'll get her a wig.
I got a secret.
It's a sexy secret.
I'm interested in your clone.
Not for weird stuff.
I just want a square dance partner, and I'm afraid to ask a non-clone.
I do want you to learn how to square dance.
That is important to me.
So you can have my clone.
Now I'm back to nothing.
The Back to the Future car.
Where are we on that plutonium?
The guy never called me back.
Even if he did, I… …I'm never telling my secret.
What am I supposed to do, guys?
Find every girl I've ever lied to and apologize,
so Leia knows that I've really changed?
Where are you getting that from? That was a smart and normal thought.
I thought you said it.
It's sex. I'm doing sex.
Hello?
I'm not in my body right now.
I'm back.
I was visiting you as a child. You really grew into those teeth.
Kiefer. Kiefer Lee Roth.
Please, sit.
So, um, um… I am having some trouble with my ankle.
Uh, ankle. Ankle.
But, uh, that's not the problem.
Let's find your real pain. I need to scan you.
-Will it hurt? -Like you're being burned alive.
But you won't feel it.
Mother was distant, wasn't she?
-Oh, how did you know? -Shut up!
Our chakras are on the same energy plane.
-Do you feel that? -I do.
-No, you don't. -I don't.
Yet. But I'm going to rock your chakras.
-Thanks, Bryson. I got it from here. -Yeah, thanks, Bryson.
For protecting the bras of America.
Okay. Before we get started, I just have to ask you one question.
-Are your parents important in this town? -What?
I brought the mayor's son in here for smoking in the bathroom,
and they stopped picking up my trash.
My mom's sort of famous.
She's the lady who ran onto the field and tackled Sammy Sosa.
All righty.
Whoa.
That's my old prescription.
-I just need your name to get started. -Janet.
Ms. Jackson, if you're nasty.
Listen, kid, if you lie to me on this form,
I'm gonna have to walk down the hall and get another form.
Which means I'm gonna have to talk to Angela.
Angela is my ex-wife.
Okay. You and your friend Bryson have done a great job,
but I'm gonna wait until the real cops come.
Bryson is not my friend.
And I'm not calling the real cops, because there were three of you.
Yet you were the only one my homeboy brought in here.
Yeah. So?
Oh, damn. There I was, behaving like any teenager,
but I forgot I had to be the Black teenager.
Mm-hmm. It's, uh…
It's exhausting having to run things through the racism filter, isn't it?
Yeah. I forgot to because this time I was actually stealing something.
I appreciate the confession.
Oh, you're good.
Okay, you stay over there. I'll stay over here.
And we're gonna have a real conversation about this.
Yeah. What are we doing? We don't want to get back together.
Definitely not. No, it's… It's just easy, and it's comfortable,
and it's fun, and it means nothing.
-We're officially never doing that again. -Perfect.
Whoa.
Bigger.
Oh yeah, I went shopping today.
Yeah, never is a strong word.
-Oh by the way, I think Gwen got arrested. -Gwen who?
Kitty!
What is that?
Oh, this is my medicologist.
He's here to help cleanse the house.
Kiefer Lee Roth.
So, I just… I just threw away the mayonnaise.
Kiefer said it's a breeding ground for fear.
We're the only species to eat mayo,
and that's why we can't fly.
-Where the hell are your shoes? -Oh, you mean foot prisons?
They were holding me back.
Like my, uh, toothbrush, and my… my young family.
Would you like some olive oil?
Lubricates your bowels so you can release your toxins.
I like my toxins.
Hmm.
I'm sensing a lot of clenched energy.
When was the last time you just, uh, sang for yourself?
When's the last time you had a foot up your ass?
Last Thursday.
Hey, uh, where's your nearest restroom?
My toxins are callin'.
It's just-- It's just inside there.
Oh, that's too close. Uh, I'll go upstairs.
Kitty.
When you wanted to sell Amway, I said sure.
And when you thought your mom came back as a crow,
I fed it seeds and a cup of Sanka.
But this…
This is a bridge too far.
I know it all sounds a little whack-a-doo,
but I'm telling you, Kiefer is a genius in his own right.
That was crazy.
Hey, do you guys mind if I cry in your bed for a while?
I know you took my lunch, Angela!
Tuna sandwiches don't just walk away!
God, she sucks.
Yeah, you're the one having a bad day.
Look, I know this isn't fun,
but this isn't gonna be the last time you're singled out.
I mean, how many times have you had your hair touched by a stranger,
or been told you don't need sunscreen,
or been asked for your autograph because someone thinks you're… Scary Spice?
Moesha.
It's always Moesha.
Moesha. I should have got that.
Well, I can guarantee you that you will not be profiled here again.
Smile.
You are banned for a year. Company policy. You understand.
She was framed.
This is all inadmissible. I'll put the system on trial.
You called my mom?
Company policy. You understand. She's free to go.
-Thanks, Officer Cutie. -Mom!
Should I get bangs again?
Again, I'm so sorry for my past behavior.
Thanks for being so cool about this.
For your troubles.
At least that one didn't kick you in the nads.
I'd rather they go for the nads. This face is my ticket out of this town.
Next one's here.
Oh, please, please be an easy one.
Or at least one that's not wearing any rings.
Jay! I got your message.
I'm so excited.
Did your girlfriend die?
Oh. Hey, Stacy.
Nice rings.
They're mood rings. They're all different colors.
Isn't that weird?
No, that tracks.
Look, Stacy.
I think you have the wrong idea, and that's entirely my fault, okay?
I should have never led you on, and I'm sorry.
I hate it when we fight like this.
I don't think that's what's going on here.
You calling me a liar?
No, ma'am.
I don't know how to make this any clearer for you,
but Leia is my girlfriend, okay?
She's the only one I want.
Okay, I get it.
I don't like it.
But I get it.
-Thanks for being so cool about this. -Jay, it's over! Stop being so clingy!
Never mind, officer. She left.
I'm so glad you're okay. I thought you were gonna go to jail,
and I was gonna commit a crime to join you.
Leia, I'm fine. Can we talk about anything but this?
Okay. Um…
-Well, I'm still really upset with Jay. -Or that.
I can't believe that guy was so hard on you.
Back in my day, you could get out of trouble with a flirt and a flash.
But, apparently, that's against the law now too.
See, Leia? Everything's fine.
I got a cool mom.
What does that mean? You should be thanking me.
When I got caught shoplifting, Grandma made me sleep in a canoe.
I woke up in the next town.
You're lucky you got a mom who gets you.
You don't get anything. We were all leaving the store.
Why do you think I was the only one who got caught?
Forget it.
I don't know, honey. My money would have been on the virgin.
-Gwen told you? -You can tell from a mile away, kid.
Good morning, Kiefer. What's going on? Are you moving?
Yeah, uh… I'm, uh…
I'm moving.
Yeah, to a different location with better auras and all that crap.
Well, how exciting!
-Yeah, yeah. -And Red thought you were a quack.
A quack? Me? Ha!
Kitty, I have a pretty bad cocaine problem.
I do a lot of cocaine.
And when I can't find it, I do other stuff.
Worse stuff.
Stuff that I buy from a lion tamer.
I hope this doesn't change anything between us.
It changes a lot!
Usually does, yeah. Okay, quick question.
Do you have any cocaine?
No.
I've never even been to Miami.
How about 1,000 dollars? Do you have 1,000 American dollars?
I can't believe you are a fraud. I am so disappointed.
Kitty, I don't have time to talk about who is a fake healer and who isn't.
I owe some very bad people a lot of money.
Will you run away with me?
No, I will not!
And this…
This belongs in a pasta salad.
Oh.
Hey! Hey! Do you want to buy a boombox?
Only ten American dollars!
Where's the mayonnaise?
Leia… your grandma is going through something.
And she will either come to her senses, or this is the beginning of the end.
I messed up, Red.
And there we go.
Kiefer is not a healer.
He's a fraud. That's why my mom pooped on my windshield.
She was trying to warn me.
Go ahead. Tell me I'm stupid.
Don't beat yourself up.
We all make mistakes.
You remember when I lost my wedding ring,
and we had to get it replaced?
-No. -Well, another mistake!
Ah, come here.
It's gonna be okay.
Wait, so, you really messed up, but you didn't get mad,
question your entire relationship, or steal a bra?
No, I'm not mad at all.
I gave Kiefer 700 dollars to cleanse our house.
Not mad at all.
I am so sorry, Mrs. Purdy.
I had no idea that Vanessa was lost at sea.
I'll pray for her.
Count it!
-Hi, Jay. -I think we're about to die.
-What are you doing back here? -I couldn't give up on us.
I know what you want, and I can be her.
Look at me. I dress like this,
and I talk like this, and I'm Jay's girlfriend.
She does sound like her!
-What the hell's going on here? -What the hell's going on here?
Back off.
Ooh… Don't talk to her like that.
Jay, I came down here to forgive you,
but obviously you're not thinking about me as much as I was thinking about you.
Leia, sit down.
Jay has been killing himself trying to show you he's changed.
He apologized to every girl he ever lied to.
He's been slapped, kicked, spit on,
and we are moments away from this girl wearing his skin!
And you know why he's doing all that?
Because he's crazy about you.
Leia.
I understand it's gonna take some time for you to start trusting me again,
but I'm gonna do whatever it takes, because I really do love you.
Aw, baby!
Stay out of my moment!
This didn't go exactly how I always pictured it,
the first or second time,
but I don't care, because I love you too.
I guess it is time for me to move on.
Hey, you.
Babe, you gotta get better at this.
Oh, good. You finally came out of your room.
I knew you couldn't resist the smell of my hot dog soup.
Listen, honey, I don't know if you know this,
because I do a really good job of keeping it from you, but…
I don't always know what I'm doing.
No way.
Come on, it'd help me if you told me what I'm doing wrong.
It's not that you're wrong, it's just that you're so… white.
Like, really, really white.
You never met your great-grandma.
When she laid down in the snow, gone.
Sometimes, when you talk about how alike we are,
it feels like you're ignoring that I'm Black, and that sucks for me.
Oh no, that's the last thing I'm trying to do, honey.
I-- I'm so sorry.
It's okay. I'm not mad at you, but I am mad.
I'm so mad, like, all the time! I'm mad when it happens and I don't expect it.
I'm mad when I do expect it and nothing happens!
I get it. That I don't get it.
So…
did we fix this?
Racism?
Us.
-I feel better we're talking about it. -Okay.
You can always talk to me about anything, whether I get it or not.
Dude.
Nik? What are you doing in my house?
We broke up!