You guys are so lucky.
The closest I ever been to Paris is when "It's a Small World" broke down
in front of the cancan dancers.
Nine months later, Gwen was born.
Well, I have really studied up on my French.
Beef, boeuf. Ham, jambon. Sausage, saucisson.
If Red doesn’t get all three of those every day, he gets cranky.
Don't worry about a thing, Red.
I am going to watch those kids like a hawk.
And at night, I'm gonna watch 'em like a bat.
Upside down, in my back stretcher.
Bob, you are in charge
because I had no other option.
It was either you or her.
You made the right call.
I start a lot of fires.
You can count on me, Red. When have I ever let you down?
Leia, quick, hug your grandpa goodbye.
I know it's a long shot,
but if you see a poodle in a beret eating a croissant,
I need that picture.
See ya in two weeks.
Have a great time. Love you.
Love you too.
So, you don't really have to watch me and my friends.
-I won't tell if you won't. -No can do.
I'm glued to your hip for the next two weeks.
Mmm!
I love that you can eat a burrito for any meal these days.
You already said that.
Is this what you kids do down here?
Pretty boring.
You need a Fonzie in this crew.
Looks like it'll be me. Hey!
You already said that too.
♪ Hanging out down the street ♪
♪ The same old thing we did last week ♪
♪ Not a thing to do ♪
♪ But talk to you ♪
♪ We're all all right We're all all right ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
How many square feet you think this place is? 250, 280?
-What do you think, Gwen? -I do not care.
I'm gonna go hit the head. Oh.
It's just number one, so I'll be back in ten minutes tops.
Look, we got to get rid of him.
I mean, he's up there forgetting the stories he already told us right now.
Let's not be hasty.
We could use a Fonz.
I've been saying that for years.
Bob's not going to be a problem.
Three weeks ago he made a joke about my jacket having too many pockets.
You know… the one with the perfect amount of pockets?
So I decided to use the Internet for what it's intended for.
Revenge.
I found Bob's AOL screen name and assumed a female persona.
We began flirting in a rare coin chat room.
I fed his ego by laughing at all of his coin jokes.
His punchline was always, "That makes cents."
He found this way funnier than I did.
Using a perfect blend of Meg Ryan's charm and Gerald Ford's politics,
the sparks began to fly.
He couldn't type his feelings fast enough.
So I suggested we meet up sometime, and… what a shock, Bob agreed.
Yes!
Hoo! A million times.
Yes!
So awaiting him in his inbox are the details
for a hot date tonight… with Linda Takada.
Wait, that's your mom's name.
I know. I panicked. It's gross.
I'm just saying, if I know Bob,
and I really do, he's up there checking his email.
Leia, something came up.
I got to take off for a couple of hours. It's a family emergency.
Oh, okay. Any family I know?
If I play my cards right, might be soon.
Here's why being upstairs is better.
When we're downstairs,
we have to walk up the stairs to get upstairs.
When we're upstairs, we're already here.
Every day is like your first day ever.
-Hey, what'd I miss? -Nothing.
-What's with the face? -What do you mean?
There’s stuff on it that shouldn’t be there.
-I think it's cool. -Thank you.
Of course you do.
You've lived in each other's pants for the last two years.
No, no.
It's not like that.
We're just friends.
Since the pregnancy scare, all the sexual tension between us is gone.
Yeah, a lot of things feel different.
I wanna be more in the moment, take some chances.
So far, it's just these face gems and a body wash that attracted bees,
but I'm on a journey. So…
When you get to where you're going, wash your face.
We've got a big problem.
Leia told Purple Hair Paula that we have the house to ourselves.
She has the biggest mouth at school.
She told me I was gay.
She's gonna tell everyone. It's gonna turn into a giant party.
I mean, if she told me about this, I'd be on my way over here right now.
People aren't just gonna show up at my house uninvited, right?
That's so rude.
That's literally what we do every day.
They're here.
You didn't have to walk us all the way to the gate.
I wish it was about me being nice,
but a lot of dudes say goodbye to their gals at the gate.
I like to scoop up the crying ones.
Hey, bring me back a T-shirt.
I wear a child's large and just slice it down the front.
Red, I've been thinking about this a lot, so I'm just gonna say it.
Do you think French animals have accents?
Here's the thing, Kitty.
I'm not getting on that plane.
If your tummy is upset, we are sitting right next to the bathroom,
because you booked it.
No, that's… that's not the problem.
Did you ever wonder why,
all those years when you and the kids flew to Disney World,
I drove down and met you there?
'Cause you didn't wanna pay for a rental car.
And when we took the train to Seattle when my uncle died?
You wanted to see the Rockies.
I could give a crap about the Rockies.
Oh my goodness, you are afraid to fly.
Why didn't you say something before we got to the airport?
I was hoping we'd get into a car accident on the way here.
And God bless Sherri, she tried.
There's way too many people out there. There's a keg and a DJ.
And people are stretching.
Why are they stretching?
Ooh, there's another girl with face gems.
Except she looks like she's trying too hard. I'm gonna go tell her.
What are they doing to my grandma's decorative frog?
Its mouth is for flowers.
That's it. I'm going out there and telling everyone they need to leave.
Jay, please make sure no one gets in here.
You mean guard this place like Road House?
-I don't know what that means. -You don't have to know what it means.
Just say, "Guard this place like Road House."
Just say it.
-Guard this place like Road House. -You will not regret this.
-You wanna help me Road House this house? -That gave me tingles.
Listen up! I'm Leia Forman, and this is my house.
Yeah!
And you all need to leave!
Boo!
Boo you! I'm serious. My grandparents aren't coming back for two weeks, and--
No. No. Forget what I just said.
Hey, you wanna bong this beer?
-How many mouths have been on that thing? -I don't know. I found it on the floor.
Come on, we dare you.
You dare me?
Give me that thing.
- Hey, you. - Cole!
I was hoping you were gonna show up.
Otherwise, I was gonna have to make out with that weird guy
slow-dancing with the basketball pole.
So, uh, bad news.
They moved up soccer practice, so I leave for college tomorrow.
What? And they just told you?
Actually, I read the schedule wrong. June looks like July.
If you stop reading halfway through.
Okay, we knew this was gonna happen. I guess it's just sooner than we thought.
Since it's my last night here, I was thinking we could spend it together.
Well, I'd rather just rip the Band-Aid off and say goodbye now, so…
You don't even wanna talk about it?
My way or the highway.
Dude… I was gonna say the catchphrase.
What? No, I said I was gonna say it first, and you were gonna say it next time.
That is what we agreed on.
I'm sorry.
Here you go. Some liquid courage.
Your sleeping pill is floating in here.
I am shocked.
And I wasted a pill.
I don't get it. You flew back and forth to Korea.
And that was the scariest part of the war.
I hate to butt in here.
Airplanes are scarier than you think.
You see, they're a petri dish full of germs, pathogens, microbes…
No one asked you.
Let the man talk.
Well, think about it.
300 people using the same bathroom, and we can't roll down a window?
We’re all breathing in feek.
What's "feek"?
It’s what we in the anti-germ community call fecal matter.
You hear that, Kitty? We'd be breathing in feek.
I don't like you.
All I'm saying is that if she loved you, she wouldn’t be taking that job in Spain.
You can teach English right here in America.
What are you doing? The guy's got a Celica with a phone in it.
I hit the lottery over here.
Okay, Red is afraid of flying.
-What? -Our flight leaves in an hour.
And that guy is filling Red's head with lies or…
or truths I choose to ignore.
All right, don't worry. I got this.
I know a guy who flew one time. Diarrhea-ed himself to death.
Hey, young fella, I'm bored.
You wanna get drunk, hook up, and never talk again?
Can I wash your hands first?
I've done weirder.
It's been nice talking to you, Red.
Ugh…
Okay.
I didn't think it was gonna come to this, but…
How would you like to join the Mile High Club?
With any woman on the plane.
I really want to go to Paris.
Remember when Swayze was like, "Be nice. Until it's time to not be nice."
Or when he said, "Time to take out the trash."
Or…
When he ripped that dude's throat out!
-It's the perfect movie. -Yeah.
Why are there people down here?
They were already here, so this… this is…
It's kind of like… We don't know what to do.
Yeah, I feel like that all the time, man.
Leo?
You didn't think I was gonna miss my own retirement party, did you?
Hey, that'd be worse than missing your own retirement party.
I'm not gonna do that.
It's his retirement party. I had to let him in.
Hey. Who wants to get stupid?
Absolutely not. My grandpa Red is gonna kill me.
Why is my grandpa's name Red?
Read a book. Read a book.
Reeds are in a saxophone.
Bill Clinton plays the saxophone.
Is that why you're retiring?
Pretty much. So, man, you know…
But don't worry, my son's coming to town to take over.
And I'm gonna open up a… a… a bed and breakfast with my dog.
Yeah, and if that doesn't work out,
I still got four years of eligibility to play college football.
I never thought about retiring.
I'm gonna be one of those old guys who still looks super young.
I mean, we're talking hair dye, facelifts.
I'll tape stuff up. I'll pull stuff down.
I'm gonna look like this… forever.
I've gotta get something off my chest.
I'm not a bouncer with nothing to lose.
I have a heart full of feelings.
Thinking I'm all Swayze. That's…
…cwazy.
Leo, thanks for inviting me to your retirement party.
I can't have a party at my house 'cause my grandpa would kill me.
Hey, you're welcome here anytime, man.
Hello. Oh.
Hi, Mr. Pinciotti.
Just called to make sure you kids are okay.
Hey, don't tell anyone this,
but I was supposed to meet a gal, Linda, from the Internet,
but she stood me up.
That was probably her plan all along.
It doesn't matter.
I met a new gal, and she's smarter, funnier, and more interesting.
More interesting?
Yeah, the whole thing just makes cents.
Not funny.
And you don't even know her.
She could be anyone. She could be a kid on the Internet.
I just got dumped by Leia's grandpa.
Sweet, we're both single. Want to streak this party together?
Here's the problem. I…
I shaved to see what it'd look like, but now it looks like I never had it.
Dude, you could have just said no.
Wait, what do you mean you're single?
-Cole's leaving for college tomorrow. -Are you gonna do long distance?
I don't know. He told me, and I bailed.
Gwen, take it from someone
who just got out of a fake relationship based on revenge.
You need closure.
I have to wait until the library opens for Bob to find out
what a raving bitch Linda Takada is.
I just dared a guy to jump off the roof, and he did it.
It was such a rush.
For me. Uh, he needs ice.
Final boarding call for flight 0921 to Paris.
Well, that's our flight.
I'm sorry, Kitty.
I love you,
but I just can't do this.
That's okay, honey.
I just wanted to go if it was fun for both of us.
Let's head home.
Oh, thank you for understanding.
But before you get up,
I'd like to talk a little bit about what life is gonna be like for you
if we don't go to Paris.
What do you mean by that?
There will be no more cleaning, no more laundry, no more hot meals.
In fact, I will not cook for you ever again.
Not because I'm a feminist.
I… I still don't get it.
But because I am done.
So you have a choice to make.
This flight is only eight hours,
and home is for the rest of your life.
And if you think death will save you, I will pump you so full of vitamins,
you will live forever.
Hold that door.
We are going to Paris!
Well, a layover in Atlanta, and then we are going to Paris.
Have fun, you two.
Just like a guy. Get a couple drinks in you,
and all of a sudden, you're not worried about catching anything.
There's Cinnabon on here.
Oh. I'm gonna miss my flight.
Ohh… Oh.
Bad news, everybody.
Nobody's going to Denver tonight.
Good news, everybody.
I'm in love.
Why does this always happen to me?
I dare you to kiss her.
Every game with a high school boy ends with this. Pick another one.
Oh! I dare you to get up there and sing.
Ugh!
-Hey. -Look.
I don't know what you want,
but I'm not about to say a bunch of dumb crap like
"I'm gonna miss you," and "You're the best guy I ever dated,"
and "Looks shouldn't matter, but you're super hot,
and there's nothing you can do about that."
I'm really glad you didn't say any of that.
So how's this gonna work?
We're gonna stay up all night,
watch the sunrise over the lake… and you'll get to college already hungover.
I'm down.
Hey! If you're gonna do that to the mama frog,
at least cover the baby's eyes.
♪ I hear the clock at 6:00 a.m. ♪
♪ I feel so far from where I've been ♪
♪ I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too ♪
Did you know Nikki could sing?
Not like that.
♪ Dreams last so long ♪
♪ Even after you're gone ♪
♪ I know that you love me ♪
♪ And soon I know you will see ♪
Oh no. Don't do it, dude. You just got over her.
I'm not.
I'm doing it.
♪ Yeah, you were meant for me ♪
♪ And I was meant for you ♪
It's done.
I looked around. Everything seems okay.
Someone threw up on the couch in the basement,
but it's already that color, so we're good.
Except he ate Leo's retirement brownies.
The whole pan?
Pan-fried chicken.
Yeah, that's all he's been saying.
Pan-fried chicken!
-I am in so much trouble! -Hasn't that always been there?
My bad.
This wasn't our fault, all right? I was the one reading the map,
and this kitchen wasn't on there.
Hey, Son, you made it.
Dad!
Hey. Hey, everybody. This is my son, Son.
He's my son.
Full name is Sonny,
but he calls me Son for short 'cause it's easier for him that way.
Right, Pop?
No, my name's Leo.
Why are people chatting? There's a car in the kitchen!
Bro, we already went over that, and everyone's cool with it.
God, everyone's so nice here.