[rock riff playing]
So, you and Jay?
It happened.
♪ Everybody dance now ♪
["Gonna Make You Sweat" by C + C Music Factory playing]
♪ Give me the music ♪
♪ Everybody dance now ♪
Why are we dancing?
Don't worry about it.
♪ Everybody dance now ♪
-[explosion] -[cheering]
♪ Everybody dance now ♪
Good morning, Red. Good morning, Kitty.
Morning, sweetie.
-You want some orange juice? -Coffee is fine.
-Since when do you drink coffee? -Uh, since last night.
For no reason.
Oh!
Ooh, whoa.
Having a lot of firsts lately. [chuckles]
What's up with her?
Well, I didn't want to embarrass her, but I heard some noises last night.
I think she's constipated.
[theme music playing]
♪ Hanging out down the street ♪
♪ The same old thing we did last week ♪
♪ Not a thing to do ♪
♪ But talk to you ♪
♪ We're all all right We're all all right ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
I've never felt closer to anyone in my whole life.
-Everything feels different now. -It was so much more than sex.
We made love.
Hey, guys.
It wasn't just her first time, okay?
Last night, I lost my lovemaking virginity.
[all] Boo!
You're making it really hard to be happy for you guys.
See, I know she just said hard.
That's not funny to me anymore.
[both] It's beautiful.
That poor couch. It's not your fault.
The couch was so into it, I'm counting it as a threesome.
You know what this means? I'm the only virgin left.
All in good time. You'll get there, buddy.
Oh, don't you dare.
I've done plenty of stuff that you haven't done.
Like, I don't brag about it,
but I was brought up on stage at a magic show.
Me too, by Penn and Teller.
This is not a good look for you right now.
Crap, I forgot. I have to walk my dog.
But don't go anywhere, okay?
If these guys are gone when I'm back,
I'd like to make love for the second time in my life.
You don't go anywhere either.
Ew!
I didn't know he had a dog.
Yeah, it goes straight for the crotch like all the Kelsos.
We had sex. I should have known he had a dog.
-Haven't you been to his house? -I've never been to his house.
I basically had sex with a stranger.
Anyone been to North Carolina?
'Cause… 'Cause I have.
Bunch of North Carolina virgins.
[rock music playing]
It was amazing. It's like our souls mated.
And I think that's why they call it soul mates and not soul humps.
I'm so happy for you. [sniffles]
Hey, that's exactly how I cried right after.
Dude, I'm… I'm sorry to ruin your moment, but…
I saw Nikki kissing some other guy at the Hub. And…
[sighs] He was hotter than both of us.
That's impossible.
I'm sorry, bro.
You deserve the same happiness that Leia and I have.
Okay? Forget about Nikki. Go out there and find another girl.
[quietly] Yeah.
That'd probably help.
Okay, I'm in. Where should we go?
Oh. I can't tonight.
Leia might wanna make love again, and I wanna be there for that.
But you got this. Go out there and talk to the first cute girl you see.
I'm having a really good time.
I think Jay meant talk to a girl who's not your mom.
I'm just scared.
I've been out of the game for years. I don't even know how to talk to girls.
All you gotta do is pick a gal and say, "I like your boots."
"But I'd like them better if they were the only things you had on."
I'mma take a lap. You got a ride home. Right?
Wait, Mommy, can you just sit with me a little longer?
Listen, hon, you're the light of my life and all,
but you're cramping my style.
Why don't we both go talk to people our own ages?
Or, for me, someone in the middle of our two ages.
Boots on.
-What? -I don't know. My mom told me to say that.
Oh. You do what your mom says so you don't get spanked?
-No. She doesn't spank me. -Do you want me to spank you?
What did I do? Why am I in trouble?
[inhales sharply] You're hilarious.
Thanks, I was, uh… I was being funny on purpose.
Can I buy you some wings?
Sure. Do you need to ask your mom for some money?
[chuckles] You're hilarious too.
I have so much money. [chuckles]
But that lady who looks like me has it in her purse.
Could you put a couple beers on my tab?
It's under Betsy Kelso.
New plan.
Do you have any money?
[rock riff plays]
What's wrong?
Are we out of wine?
She's gone, Red.
It was so sudden. Everything was fine, and then… dead.
Don't make me guess!
You always get annoyed.
[sighs]
Was it Aunt Carol?
She died six years ago.
How can you not remember?
An open casket. She was showing way too much cleavage.
That's why I'm getting buried in a turtleneck.
Okay, I'm not guessing again. Who died?
My vacuum.
I was doing my pattern pass on the rug,
and she started to sputter. And I said, "Are you okay?"
And she made a noise that sounded like, "No."
So… you're not upset about anything else?
It's just the vacuum?
"Just the vacuum"?
Well, if it's a problem, I'll get rid of it.
You will not!
I want you to take her to the shop
and see if they can bring her back to life.
It's not worth it, Kitty.
This vacuum is so old, it was made in America.
Is that how you're gonna be with me, Red?
Not worth saving? Just pull the plug? Get a new wife?
A new wife?
No, thank you.
What if she's crazy?
I'm off to the shop.
[rock riff plays]
I want to hear about every dog.
Start from the beginning. Names, breeds, personalities.
Okay. Fred, Lab, prankster.
And then it was Muffin, Yorkie, nerd.
And now, it's David Hasselhoff, Corgi, whore.
Hey, guys.
How's everyone enjoying the best day ever?
Uh, you might want to find another seat. That's the sex couch.
Then this is where I belong.
So, what happened?
I want to tell you about some sex I had, but… out of respect to Nik, I... I can't.
-I'm fine. -It was bonkers!
Dude. It was like two wild animals fighting over a piece of meat.
And I was the meat.
Maybe it is the couch.
I mean, so, who was she? Does she go to our school or…
No, she's older than us.
-That's hot. -Yeah.
And so is the exact difference in our age.
-So, what's her name? -Betsy.
And, uh, I know that 'cause I screamed it a lot.
Betsy. You know, that's weird.
-I have a sister named Betsy. -Oh yeah.
You have a sister?
What do you guys talk about?
Your Betsy can't be my sister because she's studying in Spain.
The girl from last night just got back from Spain.
What town?
-Salamanca! -Salamanca!
[chuckling] I'm really glad I let you tell this story.
[rock music playing]
-You're late. -It is so good to see you, little bro.
No. Nuh-uh. We are not doing nice "hellos."
You lost that privilege when you crunched my bro.
-Hi, Nate. -Betsy, it's, uh…
It's really great to see you again.
Stop it. Don't pretend something seriously disgusting didn't just happen.
I didn't think it was disgusting. Nate, did you?
-I did not. It was very nice. -Thank you.
Thank you.
-This can never happen again. -You sure we can't hook up anymore?
You're so great at it.
[chuckles]
A dancer's only as good as their partner.
-I taught you that line. -I taught you that line.
Wait. Maybe since she's your half-sister, we could do half stuff.
-I call top half. [chuckles] -I call bottom half.
That was a great idea. You are so smart.
Stop it. You're just saying he's smart to manipulate him.
That is not what's happening. I'm really into him.
Aw…
Hey, no, don't listen to her, bro.
I know exactly what she's doing because she's just like me.
But that's exactly it.
You can trust that I really like Nate 'cause you really like Nate.
We have a sibling connection.
Like that thing twins have.
When one cuts themself, the other feels the pain.
I saw a thing on that.
If you take him from me, know who's gonna feel that pain?
You! My brother.
Do you really wanna break your own heart?
Crap, I never thought about it like that.
Now you can see it 'cause you're so smart.
Thank you.
You're evil.
You stay away from my friend.
Ooh. That's a "no" for me, big dog.
Okay, forget you.
Nate, my brother from another mother, you got to promise me,
you'll stay away from my sister from another mother.
I swear.
-Misters before sisters. -[sighs]
-You suck. -Dad stayed with my mom.
-Not for those three years in the middle. -We don't talk about that!
[rock riff plays]
Where's my old vacuum?
Well, I took it to the shop, like you asked, and it is dead.
Did the guy at the shop say it was dead? What exactly did he say?
He said it was… [mutters] …dead.
I don't love having you as my emergency contact anymore.
But I got you this fancy new one.
Do you even love me?
Oh…
Come on. Just try it.
How does it even work?
I don't know…
What is… No! Get out.
-I… -Don't…
[vacuum whirring quietly]
This thing has no soul.
[rock music playing]
-Hey! -[shrieks]
[chuckles]
I mean, uh… [deeply] Ahh!
[chuckles, clears throat]
Did you miss me?
-I don't think you should be here. -No, I shouldn't.
-But isn't that what's hot about it? -Betsy…
I promised Jay.
You're such a good guy, Nate.
I can see how much you care about Jay.
-Just wish he cared as much about you. -What are you talking about?
He cares about me.
He puts sunscreen on my back in the places I can't reach.
I'm just saying, if he really cared about you,
why is he asking you to give up on something that makes you happy?
Jay said it--
Shh…
It's always "Jay, Jay, Jay…"
When's it gonna be time for Nate, Nate, Nate?
Oh, I know. Right now.
Salamanca.
It's so quiet.
Things are supposed to make noise when they're sucking.
[chuckles quietly]
When you get older, I'm gonna tell you why that's funny. [chuckles]
Well, the worst part is I'm stuck with it.
Well, not if it breaks.
Oh, this thing is brand new.
I know.
But if it breaks…
-Oh… -Hmm.
You're gonna have to do better than that.
If you were gonna murder someone, how would you do it?
Poison.
I'm gonna go home and think about how fast you answered that question.
[rock riff plays]
How am I supposed to learn about Jay when he's barely in any yearbooks?
I mean, in fourth grade, he's not in it at all.
That's the year he refused to wear pants,
making it illegal for an adult to take his picture.
Leia, nobody knows everything about the person they're dating.
I dated Nate for two years,
and I just found out his two front teeth are fake.
[chuckles]
A deer kicked him in the face.
He tried to scare it… and he did.
What if Jay has some horrible secret?
This is the guy I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with.
The rest of your life? Couldn't have been that good.
What?
My parents started dating when they were our age.
-And they're still together. -Who cares?
My mom found my dad at his wedding.
Your parents set unreasonable expectations for you.
But that's how I always thought it would happen for me.
Even before I met Jay.
Now I'm worried I rushed into it.
"Rush?"
We've been hearing about this crap for a full-ass year!
I know I'm overanalyzing it, but the first time's a big deal.
Leia, did you like having sex with Jay?
You bet your biscuit I did.
Dude, she had sex before you did.
Then do it again.
It won't be your first time, and you can stop freaking out.
That's a great idea.
But Jay's just been so upset with this sister thing.
-Are you sure he'll want to do it again? -[chuckles] You're good.
[rock music plays]
Kitty, did you stab the new vacuum?
No.
But I know exactly what happened… because I was there.
I was using it because I love it.
And someone had left a knife on the floor.
I'm assuming it was you because you're careless with cutlery.
-Go on. -Well, the vacuum… sucked it up.
And it came flying into the bag, and it did one of these,
and I swear on your life,
it shot out of the canister and did a complete U-turn in midair.
And then, because of physics,
it did it over and over and over and over again.
And you're sticking with that story?
Fine.
I miss my old vacuum, Red.
I wish you asked me before getting rid of it.
I didn't even get to say goodbye.
You're right.
But you know what might make you feel better?
If we sang "Happy Birthday" to the toaster.
I know you think I'm being silly, but if something means a lot to me,
I would like to think it would mean something to you.
And, for your information, that toaster was a Christmas gift.
It has the same birthday as Jesus.
[rock riff plays]
The second time was even better.
Think it'll keep getting better forever?
No. [chuckles]
Oh, I mean, maybe.
Absolutely.
It doesn't matter.
And it also doesn't matter that I don't know everything about you.
The fun part is we get to keep learning about each other.
Sure.
Like, I didn't know you like shrimp and grits.
Oh, this was here when we sat down.
Son of a bitch.
[sighs]
Hey, man! What happened to "misters before sisters"?
Oh no, I think he forgot.
Look, why can't you just let us do our thing? We're happy.
Can't you just be happy with any other girl?
I mean, bro…
-Look at this hottie. -Hey, hon!
Hey, Mom.
Okay, not her. Anybody else.
-I don't know why you're so mad. -You know why I'm mad.
-Bro, I was upset, and you blew me off. -What are you talking about?
I told you to put yourself back out there.
Yeah. And if you'd come with me when I needed you,
you could have been like, "Hold up. That's my sister!"
There was a chance I was making love.
Oh! Of course there was. It's always Jay, Jay, Jay.
And did Betsy tell you that? She likes to say things three times.
[scoffs] No.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, cowgirl.
So you had sex, huh?
-Gwen told you? -I can tell when people have had sex.
Like, that guy over there?
He just had sex in the parking lot.
-With you? -Oh! You can do it too!
It doesn't matter who said it.
She's right. You haven't been a good friend to me.
You're sleeping with my sister. That's textbook bad friend!
I had a really hard year.
And you know that.
When I find a shred of happiness, you piss all over it.
You broke a promise, okay?
You don't get out of this because you're lonely and sad.
Screw you, man!
Let's get out of here.
Oh.
And when we did it in your room, your bed said, "Finally! A real man."
Burn!
[rock music playing]
I know you wanted a final goodbye.
So, she's in there.
They were pulling her apart for scrap metal when I got there.
-Are you sure you want to look? -[tearfully] I have to.
That's her.
I know this sounds crazy.
But, what if we cremated her?
And then you could vacuum up her ashes with your new vacuum.
Well, that's ridiculous.
We'll just bury her in the backyard next to my old blender.
Okay.
Goodbye, old friend.
Hope it's dusty in heaven.
♪ Amazing grace ♪
♪ How sweet the sound ♪
♪ That saved ♪
♪ A wretch like me ♪
I don't know any more words.
[closing theme music playing]