[rock riff plays]
Thank you for letting us put a few things in your fridge.
Thank you for letting me steal your cable.
Every time we have a barbecue, she overdoes it.
Because we ran out of food, one time,
in 1976.
It still haunts me.
I watched my father dip an empty wiener bun in ketchup.
On his deathbed, my mother said,
"You can let go, Bert. They won't run out of weenies in Heaven."
[truck horn blasting]
-Oh, you gotta be kidding me. -[hydraulics hissing]
Is that a tow truck? Are they repossessing your car?
Why would you jump to that?
Because it happens with some frequency.
Hey, Daddy's home.
This is Gwen's dad. I don't call him Daddy.
Not anymore.
Otis, I asked you to call when you stop by instead of surprising us like this.
Yeah, and I asked you to stop looking so damn beautiful,
and you didn't listen either.
He did ask that.
I had time off and wanted to spend it with my girls.
Time off? Suspended or fired?
Oh, something better than that, baby.
I got hit by a mail truck.
Settled for 20,000 dollars.
Whoa. I only got half that when McDonald's served me a McFinger.
-Dad! [laughs] -Oh! [laughing]
Wait, baby doll. Okay, we gotta do the thing.
-What thing? -Mm.
[stomping]
♪ War! ♪
♪ Uh! ♪
♪ Good God, y'all! ♪
♪ What is it good for? ♪
♪ Absolutely nothing! ♪
[both laughing]
Why are we stopping?
We used to sing that every night when she was a little girl.
Cutest thing you ever seen.
I'm talking about me.
-Red Forman. -Otis.
This is my wife Kitty. We live next door,
and we're having a barbecue, so come on over.
It is gonna be a good one. [chuckles]
Linda down the street just won't shut up about her new tiki bar.
Haha!
But I am gonna shut her up with a mouthful of my three-bean salad.
Haha!
Gwen, help me get my stuff out of the truck.
Please tell me you got rid of those naked lady mudflaps.
Oh, yeah, those are long gone.
Now, my truck has balls.
He seems fun.
He is fun. Too fun. Things always start out great,
but then we end up back in the sack banging like shoes in the dryer.
Boy, you sure have a lot of words for it.
Then we end up fighting, and everything gets screwed up.
This time, you just won't do it.
Easy-peasy, close your kneesies.
Our teachers used to say that.
It's all we had before the pill.
Seriously, Kitty, I need your help. Please, make sure I don't sleep with Otis.
-Don't worry. I'll keep you pure. -Okay.
Starting now, obviously.
Mom, Dad said he was gonna teach me how to drive the truck after the barbecue.
Isn't that illegal?
Only if we get caught.
And no one is a better teacher than Papa Bear.
-Oh. -Am I right, baby?
Good luck. Things are already touching things.
[theme music playing]
♪ Hanging out down the street ♪
♪ The same old thing we did last week ♪
♪ Not a thing to do ♪
♪ But talk to you ♪
♪ We're all all right We're all all right ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
Why does he get to use the meat mallet?
That's as close as I'll ever get to therapy.
I am trying to keep him away from Sherri.
And he's wearing my favorite apron. We are all making sacrifices.
-Dad, this is my friend Leia. -Hi.
I checked out your truck. I love trucks and trucking culture.
Also, hello. Now, back to trucks.
Sorry, she just shotgunned a Capri-Sun.
A long time ago, before I had friends,
I'd kill time chatting with truckers on my dad's CB radio.
My handle is Ratchetjaw. I put on Christmas radio plays.
Santa Has to Sneeze.
Cookies and Milk for Dada.
-Doesn't ring a bell. -Rudolph Does Dallas.
It's truckers. Gotta know your audience.
Hey, Otis, can you tie me up?
Ooh. Right here in the kitchen?
I will do that. Thank you.
You are wearing half a shirt.
Whose side are you on?
Red, why don't you take Otis outside and let him man the grill?
My grill?
Absolutely not.
You already took away my chicken hammer.
You know, I always loved you in a halter top.
And out of a halter top.
[laughs]
Red! Grill! Go! It's gonna happen in my kitchen.
I don't know how, but he already untied me!
Yeah.
[stapler clacking]
I used to do this to Eric's pockets
so kids wouldn't steal his lunch money.
[rock music playing]
[Red shudders slightly]
-You all right, man? -It's just, um, difficult for me.
Because, um… you're not doing anything right.
I can't watch.
So, Gwen is super excited about her truck-driving lessons.
And it got me thinking.
What if I tagged along and had an experience I'd never forget?
Leia, this is a dad-daughter thing.
Yeah, I'm a daughter, he's a dad.
It all checks out.
For obvious reasons, I am not your dad.
Come on, I wanna honk the truck horn.
My dad drives a Jetta.
It sounds like, "Meep-meep." I want, "Honk!"
-Otis. -Hey.
So, Nate. Senior year's coming up. How's the football team looking?
He's the fastest guy on the team.
It's gonna be a bloodbath.
[chuckling]
I'm pretty scared.
[whining] Nate! You made my drink wrong.
It's ice water.
Yeah, but you put the ice in first, and now it's all wet.
New girlfriend?
Actually, I'm trying to break up with her, but I haven't quite nailed it yet.
Look, Betsy, this isn't really working for me.
You're great and all, but we need to break up.
No.
I'm-- I'm breaking up with you.
Right, and I said no.
-Can you do that? -Yes.
Yes, you'll break up with me.
-Nope. -Cool.
Thanks, babe.
Oh yeah. I've been there.
You lay the pipe too clean, the wild ones will never let you go.
She's my sister.
Sorry about the pipe stuff.
Hey, you wanna end things,
tell her you cheated on her with that funny little truck girl.
That's my girlfriend, man.
You're making this literally impossible.
[rock music playing]
Help me find a movie for my first date with Isaac.
There's Homeward Bound 2: Lost in San Francisco, which…
I'm dying to see.
-I'm never gonna tell him that. -You can tell him that.
You'll just die a virgin.
Prettiest girl in the place gets free fries.
Don't get too cocky. There's three people in here.
Sorry, I'm jealous you're past all the first date awkwardness.
Yeah, but what you just saw, that is all we do.
I think we're both ready to kick it up a notch,
but he's shy, and I've never had to be the one to make the first move.
I get it. You're used to dating Nate, the human erection.
I would look down, and it'd just be in my hand.
Well, how about this for a move?
Next time you're at the movies, reach for the popcorn.
-Reach for the popcorn? -You know…
The popcorn's in his lap.
You reach for it
and miss.
Oh, that's a good move.
It's one of the few moves where if you miss, you get a snack.
Oh, we can see The Craft!
-Damn, it's rated R. -Get someone over 18 to buy you a ticket.
Who would do that?
[video game sounds playing]
Man, this level is so hard!
You have to put in a quarter, dude.
-Hey, guys. -[both shouting] Fozzie!
-It's Ozzie. -Ozzie's not a name.
What about Ozzy Osbourne?
Dude, it's Fozzie Fosbourne, you idiot.
I need a favor.
Oh, we'll do it.
-I didn't say what it was. -Well, then no way.
I need you to buy me and my date tickets to an R-rated movie.
Sure. I've always wanted kids, man.
Plus, free movie.
-We're buying the tickets. -Oh, kids are so expensive.
[rock riff plays]
I know you don't want to break up, but…
there's some new information since yesterday.
Betsy… I cheated on you.
What's her name?
Amy Pasta.
She's Italian.
We did everything.
Even the stuff you taught me.
[whispers] What a betrayal.
Wow.
-It's cool you're being honest with me. -No, it's not.
Can I be honest with you?
The idea of you and Amy…
It's kind of turning me on.
[somberly] No.
It is. And I'd be open to me, you, and Amy
getting together and making a Nate sandwich.
You know, I think she's doing a whole no-bread thing, but… I'll ask. [chuckles]
[rock music playing]
It's so cool you had a hook-up to get these tickets.
-Are those old guys your friends? -In small doses.
-They can be a lot. -Hey, kids!
I thought we already said goodbye out there.
We got worried about you guys being in here by yourselves.
We didn't want you guys sitting next to some weirdos.
Yeah, I… I think we'll be fine. You guys really don't have to stay.
Here's the thing. I've never had kids before.
You still don't.
I'm starting to have second thoughts about letting you watch an R-rated movie.
I feel like me and Bunch should be in here to cover your eyes
in case there's things you shouldn't see.
Yeah, like blood or boobs.
Oh, movies! The television of the theater!
Bring on the blood and boobs!
Why are these weenies all shriveled?
You put a rookie on the grill.
This was so preventable!
Where's Otis?
I don't know. I was in the john. Where's Sherri?
I was in the jane.
I knew I should have stapled more things.
It wasn't my fault.
The fact that you were trying to keep us from doing it made it even hotter.
You always talk about stuff like this with your neighbors?
This guy's asking the right question.
What the hell is this?
I think your parents had sex.
Before you get upset, he started it.
Coming in here smelling like Old Spice and diesel.
He knew what he was doing.
Dad, you were supposed to take me out driving a half hour ago.
I've been waiting by the truck.
Well, I lost track of time.
And my pants. I gotta find those.
So typical. Every time you're here, I fall for this like an idiot.
Fall for what?
You! And whatever crap you promised.
Hey… Don't talk like to me that. I'm your father.
Really? 'Cause you're not acting like it.
I get it. It's lonely out on the road.
[rock riff plays]
-Are you okay? -I'm pissed.
I'm too insecure not to ask this question.
Are you mad at me?
No. I was excited to spend some time with my dad,
but he wasn't thinking about me.
I have the opposite problem.
My dad's so needy, he doesn't wanna share me with anyone.
Your opposite problem is not helping right now.
You know what? Screw this.
If he doesn't wanna teach me how to drive this thing, I'll teach myself.
What are you doing? You don't have a commercial driver's license!
Which requires a vision test,
a high school diploma, and no criminal record.
Which you're about to have!
If you stay quiet, I'll let you honk the horn when we get on the interstate.
[engine turns over]
Not gonna make it!
[truck horn blasting]
Good thing I'm not driving, 'cause I am drunk with power.
[rock music playing]
Hello, Amy?
My girlfriend and I are looking to add a third person to our lovemaking.
[dial tone]
Hello? [chuckles]
Dude, these threesome cold calls are brutal.
Forget that, 'cause I figured out how you can get rid of my sister.
Bro, you gotta smother her.
That's dark, dude.
No, I… I mean with affection.
You got to get super clingy.
Kelsos hate that because of deep-seated insecurities
rooted in the fact that we're afraid to love ourselves.
What the hell was that?
My whole family went to therapy once.
It took 20 minutes. She figured us out quick.
[sighs] I don't know.
I'm starting to feel like… what's the point? [chuckles]
Nikki's dating another dude anyway. Maybe I just stay with Betsy
and live a miserable life full of threesomes.
[sighs] I want to be there for you, bro, but again, this is my sister.
[rock riff plays]
How can she steal my truck?
Those new balls cost me 100 bucks.
It's called karma.
It's what happens when you touch another man's grill.
I spoke to Dottie a few blocks down.
The kids are fine. They made it as far as her house.
That girl's gonna get it.
You start it up and tag me in when you start to lose your voice.
Hang on. Hang on.
I know… if I was in the middle of a family crisis,
and a neighbor chimed in, I would be really annoyed.
But this is different because I have something smart to say.
Kitty, this is none of our business.
I… I just wanted to put that on the record.
Go ahead.
When I had a teenage daughter, I did a lot of yelling,
but I wish I could take all those moments back.
Kids don't steal trucks or, in my daughter's case,
rob a Kmart with her pastor for no apparent reason.
Instead of yelling at Gwen, why don't you just talk to her?
See what she has to say.
Kitty says smart crap like this all the time, and then I gotta do it.
Such a bummer.
[rock riff plays]
Ah, such a good idea to sneak into a different movie.
I know, I'm…
I'm just sorry we have to watch Homeward Bound 2: Lost in San Francisco.
Can I tell you something embarrassing?
I actually love the first one. [chuckles]
I cry every time Shadow comes over the hill.
You don't think he's gonna make it.
[whispers] But he makes it.
[light music playing onscreen]
Uh, you, uh… You missed.
-You good? -Green light.
Excuse us! Ivan! Fozzie!
We are looking for two young boys!
Kids! Man, we were so worried, we almost called the cops.
And then we remembered, that's how the cops got us last time.
Plus, I've been wanting to see Homeward Bound 2
since Homeward Bound 1: The Incredible Journey.
Oh shit, is that Sassy?
[chuckling] Oh! No way! What's that cat doing on a trolley?
[rock music playing]
Otis, that rig is a real panty dropper.
Some woman in a Jeep flashed us.
Now is not the time to talk trucks.
Well, there's never a bad time to talk trucks.
Except right now.
I know. I'm grounded. I'll be in my room. Here.
Hang on a second. I wanna talk to you.
I'm sorry. I know I screwed up with the driving lessons.
It's not about the driving lessons. What's your problem with me?
-What are you talking about? I love you. -It doesn't seem like it.
Every time you show up, you screw around with Mom
and completely ignore me.
My relationship with your mom is
really complicated, okay?
We love each other, but--
This is the divorce speech. Gotta get some new material.
Why don't you ever wanna spend time just you and me?
That's not it.
[sighs] I don't know.
I'm only here a short amount of time,
and I don't want to do anything to make it harder on you when I go.
Oh… Oh, I understand.
You love me so much, you don't wanna spend time with me.
Yeah.
[Otis sighs]
Maybe I've been telling myself I'm protecting you
when, really, I'm just looking out for me.
Which is pretty bad.
And don't go saying I'm still a good dad just to make me feel better.
No problem.
Well, damn. That backfired.
Listen, none of this is an excuse for hurting you like this.
We have so little time together. From now on, I wanna make it count.
Me too.
I miss my dad.
I miss you.
Every day.
Last chance to give your dad a compliment.
I like your shirt.
I guess it's my turn.
I'm really sorry too.
I can give you 100 dollars or maybe take you to Disneyland.
I thought I was gonna go first, but he said all the good stuff already,
and bottom line is, I don't have 100 dollars on me.
[gentle music playing]
Can we go to the movies again tomorrow?
You know we don't have to be at the movies for that to happen.
Right. Right.
We should get something on the books.
We had fun too.
It's the best first date I've ever had.
-[chuckles] -Yeah.
[sighs]
Why are you being so mopey?
Me?
I'm not mopey. I'm just…
happy that we're gonna be together forever and ever.
And then die. Hopefully, May 1st.
What is even happening here?
Why would you not want to be with me?
The guys I date are so much hotter than you.
Like, muscly firemen, restaurant managers,
trust fund guys with really nice wallets.
You're so mad.
Is it happening?
You know what? I'm leaving.
How can I not be good enough for you?
You keep a whoopee cushion in your glove compartment for emergencies.
It's not about you.
That's worse! Everything should be about me!
You don't get it. I'm still in love with Nikki. Okay?
Fozzie!
Man, we followed two different kids home from the movie theater.
Let me tell you. They were less chill than you guys.
There's a weird vibe in here.
And most of it's coming from… you.
[warbling rock riff plays]
Yeah.
[chuckling] You're doing great.
After you took out that stoplight, you started to get the hang of it.
-Maybe I'll be like you and drive a truck. -I take a lot of showers in truck stops.
Maybe I'll keep my options open.
[chuckles]
We're doing the thing.
["War" by Edwin Star playing on stereo]
-♪ I said war! ♪ -♪ Huh! ♪
-♪ Good God ♪ -♪ Y'all! ♪
♪ What is it good for? ♪
♪ Absolutely nothing! ♪
-♪ Sing it again, Gwen! ♪ -♪ War! ♪
Hey!
[vocalizing] ♪ Whoa ♪
♪ …is it good for? ♪
-♪ Absolutely… ♪ -♪ Nothing! ♪
♪ Ten and two, girl! ♪
♪ War! ♪
♪ Hey, yeah! ♪
["War" continues playing]
♪ War is an enemy to all mankind ♪
♪ The thought of war blows my mind ♪
♪ War has caused unrest Within the younger generation ♪
♪ Induction then destruction ♪
♪ Who wants to die? ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ War! Good God, y'all ♪
♪ What is it good for? ♪
-♪ Absolutely ♪ -♪ Nothing ♪
♪ Say it, say it, say it ♪
♪ War, huh! ♪
♪ Uh-huh, yeah, huh ♪
♪ What is it good for? ♪
-♪ Absolutely ♪ -♪ Nothing ♪
♪ Listen to me ♪
-♪ War ♪ -♪ It ain't nothing but a heartbreak ♪
[song fades out]