1 00:00:07,176 --> 00:00:08,719 [sighs] 2 00:00:08,761 --> 00:00:11,096 [organ music plays] 3 00:00:11,138 --> 00:00:12,764 Oh, no. 4 00:00:17,561 --> 00:00:19,061 Oh, this is not it. 5 00:00:19,103 --> 00:00:20,271 [sighs] 6 00:00:20,314 --> 00:00:22,858 All right, time for plan B. 7 00:00:22,899 --> 00:00:25,318 [phone notification] 8 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:29,405 All right, boys. Let's get this place set up. 9 00:00:29,448 --> 00:00:32,743 [Latin hip-hop plays] 10 00:01:50,653 --> 00:01:52,321 [cheering] 11 00:01:56,659 --> 00:01:59,121 Sheila Mother-fing E. 12 00:02:00,830 --> 00:02:02,499 Thank you, ladies. 13 00:02:04,543 --> 00:02:07,211 Okay, everybody, settle down. Settle down. 14 00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:12,009 Welcome. We're gathered here today to lay 2021 to rest. 15 00:02:12,050 --> 00:02:13,218 Yes! 16 00:02:13,260 --> 00:02:14,802 And I'll be honest, guys, 17 00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:16,430 I started out this year feeling very hopeful. 18 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,891 I had a whole vision board party. 19 00:02:18,932 --> 00:02:21,976 I had on there that Drake would finally answer my DMs. 20 00:02:22,018 --> 00:02:23,228 Yes! 21 00:02:23,270 --> 00:02:26,814 2021, you literally had one job: 22 00:02:26,856 --> 00:02:28,317 don't be 2020. 23 00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:29,693 Yes! 24 00:02:29,735 --> 00:02:32,945 But in the end, 2021 was less of a new year 25 00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:35,908 and more of a 2020 variant. 26 00:02:35,949 --> 00:02:37,533 But we're not here to mourn. 27 00:02:37,576 --> 00:02:41,622 Because I am declaring that this right here, this, 28 00:02:41,663 --> 00:02:43,081 is a celebration. 29 00:02:43,122 --> 00:02:44,916 - Woo! - [cheering] 30 00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:46,293 Woo! 31 00:02:46,335 --> 00:02:48,128 Megan, hey, so, we talked about this. 32 00:02:48,170 --> 00:02:49,420 - Can you... [clicks tongue] - Oh. 33 00:02:49,463 --> 00:02:50,796 - Mm-hmm. - Okay. 34 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:53,342 I was, oh! Sat on my purse. 35 00:02:53,383 --> 00:02:54,843 [laughing] 36 00:02:54,884 --> 00:02:55,843 Scoot over, dude. 37 00:02:55,886 --> 00:02:58,055 Where was I? 38 00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:02,099 Yes, outside, things were starting to slowly open up. 39 00:03:02,141 --> 00:03:04,311 And then bam, we got hit with the Delta variant. 40 00:03:04,353 --> 00:03:06,605 And I was like, oh my God, what's next? 41 00:03:06,647 --> 00:03:08,147 The AKA variant? 42 00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:09,690 I've seen "Stomp the Yard," okay? 43 00:03:09,732 --> 00:03:12,944 [cheering] 44 00:03:15,321 --> 00:03:16,698 White people, I am referring to a movie about 45 00:03:16,740 --> 00:03:18,116 a historically Black college. 46 00:03:18,158 --> 00:03:21,285 Also, two historically Black sororities. 47 00:03:21,327 --> 00:03:23,413 We see you, Kamala Harris. 48 00:03:23,455 --> 00:03:25,206 [cheering] 49 00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:27,333 2021, you were quite a year. 50 00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:30,670 You know, one day, we were doing crossword puzzles, 51 00:03:30,712 --> 00:03:33,589 listening to meditation apps and teaching ourselves 52 00:03:33,631 --> 00:03:35,342 how to convert a closet into an office by 53 00:03:35,384 --> 00:03:37,593 following along on a TikTok video. 54 00:03:37,636 --> 00:03:39,053 That was very informational. 55 00:03:39,095 --> 00:03:41,723 Then suddenly, y'all, game changer. 56 00:03:41,765 --> 00:03:44,558 The vaccine was available and we all got vaccinated 57 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,186 and the pandemic ended! 58 00:03:46,228 --> 00:03:49,230 [laughing] 59 00:03:49,271 --> 00:03:52,109 It's so funny because it's not true! 60 00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:55,028 But this year, we never quite actually knew where we stood 61 00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:56,404 with the pandemic. 62 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:58,198 2021 played with my emotions so much, 63 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:00,325 I thought we were dating. 64 00:04:00,367 --> 00:04:02,576 'Cause at first we was cool, like, oh my gosh, 65 00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:04,871 you do like me, stop. 66 00:04:04,913 --> 00:04:08,457 And then it was like, wait, you don't want to put a label on it. 67 00:04:08,499 --> 00:04:09,625 What do you mean we're just friends? 68 00:04:10,961 --> 00:04:13,212 Like, am I ever going to get a ring? 69 00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:16,591 I'm asking so many questions. 70 00:04:16,632 --> 00:04:18,218 Is this why I'm still single? 71 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,513 Because one thing I am ready to leave behind 72 00:04:21,555 --> 00:04:24,641 in 2021 is being single, 73 00:04:24,682 --> 00:04:25,766 because look at me! 74 00:04:25,809 --> 00:04:28,353 [cheering] 75 00:04:32,941 --> 00:04:34,692 What a girl got to do to get a date? 76 00:04:34,735 --> 00:04:36,403 Okay? 77 00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:39,572 Hey, Drake if you're listening, I am great with kids. 78 00:04:39,614 --> 00:04:42,117 Somebody toss me a baby, come on, quick. 79 00:04:46,829 --> 00:04:49,624 But at the end of the day, okay, at the end of the day, 80 00:04:49,665 --> 00:04:51,333 2021 was not a total bust. 81 00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:55,129 So tonight, I have gathered some of the funniest women 82 00:04:55,172 --> 00:04:59,175 to help me celebrate 2021 for all that it gave, 83 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:01,386 for all that it tried to give, 84 00:05:01,427 --> 00:05:02,763 and for all that it would have given 85 00:05:02,804 --> 00:05:04,264 if everybody just got vaccinated. 86 00:05:04,305 --> 00:05:06,516 By saying our goodbyes to it. 87 00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:10,728 So to start things off for us, here is the one, the only, 88 00:05:10,771 --> 00:05:12,439 Chelsea Peretti. 89 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,523 [cheering] 90 00:05:21,865 --> 00:05:22,949 Thank you, Yvonne. 91 00:05:24,533 --> 00:05:27,162 Dearly beloved gathered mourners of so many 92 00:05:27,204 --> 00:05:29,372 different important topics, 93 00:05:29,413 --> 00:05:32,750 tonight I'm here to say goodbye to a very special 94 00:05:32,793 --> 00:05:35,920 proprietary video conferencing software program 95 00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:39,298 whose name incidentally rhymes with tomb. 96 00:05:39,341 --> 00:05:40,341 Womb? 97 00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:42,843 That's right, gang. Zoom. 98 00:05:42,886 --> 00:05:44,304 Oh, yeah. 99 00:05:44,345 --> 00:05:45,930 The best part about Zoom was 100 00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:49,975 it gave us the opportunity to work no matter what. 101 00:05:50,018 --> 00:05:52,103 It allowed us to work when we were sick. 102 00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:53,771 - Mm-hmm. - Right. 103 00:05:53,814 --> 00:05:56,023 Distraught. When our children were in grave danger, 104 00:05:56,066 --> 00:05:58,692 we could still work. 105 00:05:58,735 --> 00:05:59,944 Thanks for that, Zoom. 106 00:06:03,656 --> 00:06:06,326 [sobs] 107 00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:07,660 Thank you. 108 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:13,874 Zoom, because of you no longer were our homes 109 00:06:13,917 --> 00:06:16,502 a little safe zone we could return to 110 00:06:16,545 --> 00:06:17,920 after a long day at the office. 111 00:06:17,963 --> 00:06:20,506 It was just all one big office. 112 00:06:20,548 --> 00:06:24,177 Zoom, you gifted us tropical beach backgrounds 113 00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:27,264 that covered up our putrid piles of laundry. 114 00:06:27,305 --> 00:06:28,723 Mm-hmm. 115 00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:31,643 Graciously masking our unsustainable lifestyles 116 00:06:31,684 --> 00:06:34,896 so we could continue to be efficient cogs 117 00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:37,439 in the wheels of capitalism. 118 00:06:37,482 --> 00:06:39,401 All this with just the click of a button. 119 00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:41,528 I was clicking my button last night. 120 00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:43,362 - [gasping] - You will not do this today. 121 00:06:43,405 --> 00:06:45,365 - Not today. - I'm not doing anything. 122 00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:47,367 To me you're just a little dark cloud... 123 00:06:47,408 --> 00:06:48,951 Please don't make ice noise while I'm talking. 124 00:06:48,994 --> 00:06:50,452 I'm sorry little brat, I think 125 00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:53,206 Zoom's going to be around for a long time. 126 00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:55,499 Don't you say that! 127 00:06:55,542 --> 00:06:57,085 Oh, Zoom! 128 00:06:57,127 --> 00:07:00,004 Without you how will I make eye contact 129 00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:01,922 with a bunch of people that I can instantly tell 130 00:07:01,965 --> 00:07:03,425 aren't going to do business with me 131 00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:05,593 and make it last for an hour? 132 00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:09,055 Without you, how can I avoid in-person socializing? 133 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,514 Um, I'm sorry, I thought you liked 134 00:07:10,557 --> 00:07:12,391 our backyard masked hangouts. 135 00:07:12,434 --> 00:07:14,936 Oh, Stephanie, you innocent lamb. 136 00:07:14,978 --> 00:07:16,771 Baa. 137 00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:18,230 That's because you don't drink coffee compulsively. 138 00:07:18,273 --> 00:07:20,149 My breath is not mask friendly. 139 00:07:21,610 --> 00:07:23,360 I brought a quote. 140 00:07:23,403 --> 00:07:27,156 "It's so hard to say goodbye." 141 00:07:27,199 --> 00:07:28,949 Boyz II Men. 142 00:07:28,992 --> 00:07:30,367 And they were right. 143 00:07:30,410 --> 00:07:33,413 Goodbye to fixating on my own dumb face 144 00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:36,790 while pretending to listen to 10 people drone on endlessly. 145 00:07:36,833 --> 00:07:39,377 That's what I'm talking about. 146 00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:42,047 And now, in Zoom's honor, 147 00:07:42,088 --> 00:07:44,591 let's do a moment of frozen silence. 148 00:07:44,633 --> 00:07:45,591 I'm going to count you in. 149 00:07:45,634 --> 00:07:49,179 One, two... 150 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,434 That was special. 151 00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:57,603 It be like that, it be like that. 152 00:07:57,646 --> 00:08:00,273 And now the awkward Zoom goodbyes. 153 00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:02,067 Bye everyone. Bye, great meeting. 154 00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:04,444 I loved what you said. Okay, bye. 155 00:08:04,485 --> 00:08:06,028 Leave meeting, leave meeting. 156 00:08:06,071 --> 00:08:09,783 Where's the red button? Where's the red button? 157 00:08:09,824 --> 00:08:11,201 [Latin music plays] 158 00:08:11,242 --> 00:08:12,660 [cheering] 159 00:08:20,710 --> 00:08:23,045 Now her name may mean something sweet, 160 00:08:23,088 --> 00:08:25,340 but she hella spicy. 161 00:08:25,381 --> 00:08:26,882 Dulce Sloan, everybody. 162 00:08:26,925 --> 00:08:28,759 [cheering] 163 00:08:28,802 --> 00:08:29,802 Hello. 164 00:08:40,062 --> 00:08:42,273 Hello. Mmm. 165 00:08:42,315 --> 00:08:44,734 [cheering] 166 00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:47,195 Friends, I do, I did, I will. 167 00:08:47,236 --> 00:08:49,864 Yeah! 168 00:08:49,906 --> 00:08:51,573 Greetings, mourners. 169 00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:54,786 This was the year we, as a society, 170 00:08:54,827 --> 00:08:57,831 collectively said goodbye to being an asshole! 171 00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,374 [cheering] 172 00:09:00,417 --> 00:09:02,585 Now, there's so many ways to be an asshole. 173 00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:05,839 Being a milky white Karen, screaming on the floor 174 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:08,883 of a Victoria's Secret like your mother didn't raise you. 175 00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:12,052 To being a happy go lucky talk show host 176 00:09:12,095 --> 00:09:15,097 who danced to a very different tune 177 00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:17,100 behind closed doors, and yet, still off beat. 178 00:09:17,142 --> 00:09:18,893 Oh! 179 00:09:18,935 --> 00:09:21,895 And executive producing Jeopardy just to name himself the host. 180 00:09:21,937 --> 00:09:24,148 Quick clue, it was not Levar Burton. 181 00:09:24,190 --> 00:09:25,774 We love him. 182 00:09:25,817 --> 00:09:28,778 For the longest time, these assholes were allowed 183 00:09:28,820 --> 00:09:30,613 to hide in plain sight. 184 00:09:30,654 --> 00:09:31,697 They harassed. 185 00:09:31,740 --> 00:09:33,658 - [crowd] Mmm! - Berated! 186 00:09:33,700 --> 00:09:37,119 And acted as conservators of their daughter's estates. 187 00:09:37,162 --> 00:09:38,120 Free Britney! 188 00:09:38,163 --> 00:09:39,496 [cheering] 189 00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:41,457 Uh-uh, girl, the podcast already freed her. 190 00:09:41,499 --> 00:09:42,917 My tweet freed her! 191 00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:44,711 Our tweeting freed her! 192 00:09:44,753 --> 00:09:47,422 - Yeah! - Yeah! 193 00:09:47,464 --> 00:09:49,466 But after this year the receipts came out 194 00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,091 like cancellation confetti. 195 00:09:51,134 --> 00:09:53,302 A reckoning happened, 196 00:09:53,345 --> 00:09:56,181 and being an asshole has gone to that great 197 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,057 NDA in the sky. 198 00:09:58,099 --> 00:10:00,060 Yep, yep. 199 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,895 But for some reason, our tolerance for them disappeared. 200 00:10:02,937 --> 00:10:06,733 And I can't exactly put my finger on why. 201 00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:09,360 Actually, I can. 202 00:10:09,402 --> 00:10:10,945 We got stuck inside again! 203 00:10:10,986 --> 00:10:12,989 We got stuck inside. 204 00:10:13,031 --> 00:10:14,240 And there was no hope. 205 00:10:14,282 --> 00:10:15,908 And we lost it. 206 00:10:15,950 --> 00:10:19,204 And everybody snapped, we snapped. 207 00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,331 I snapped like Snap, crackle, pop. 208 00:10:21,373 --> 00:10:22,749 We gone! We snapped! 209 00:10:22,791 --> 00:10:26,211 And we needed to direct our rage and frustration 210 00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:29,339 at something tangible to restore some justice 211 00:10:29,380 --> 00:10:31,591 in an unjust world. 212 00:10:31,633 --> 00:10:35,427 And assholes are right there for the mass public shaming. 213 00:10:35,470 --> 00:10:37,096 Uh, Lynae, what is the expression 214 00:10:37,138 --> 00:10:38,681 you're always using on Instagram? 215 00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:40,850 I'ma keep it Black, but I'ma keep it brief. 216 00:10:40,892 --> 00:10:43,561 Ah, that's the one, okay. That one. 217 00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:46,105 Now, you can't get away with shit anymore. 218 00:10:46,147 --> 00:10:48,649 Because right now everyone is carrying around 219 00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:50,610 the most powerful weapon on earth. 220 00:10:50,652 --> 00:10:52,403 A hydrogen bomb. 221 00:10:52,445 --> 00:10:53,529 What? 222 00:10:53,571 --> 00:10:55,447 No, friend. A smart phone. 223 00:10:55,490 --> 00:10:57,366 Oh. 224 00:10:57,408 --> 00:10:59,034 Now, listen, you can't be rude to a hostess at a restaurant 225 00:10:59,076 --> 00:11:01,162 and not think she's going to go viral on TikTok 226 00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:02,871 telling the world about it. 227 00:11:02,913 --> 00:11:06,125 You can't go on stage and be flat out homophobic. 228 00:11:06,167 --> 00:11:07,251 No. 229 00:11:07,293 --> 00:11:08,961 And you can't be a movie star 230 00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:12,590 and privately tell women you want to cannibalize them. 231 00:11:12,632 --> 00:11:16,009 You cannot have your pussy and eat it, too. 232 00:11:16,052 --> 00:11:17,637 [cheering] 233 00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,139 For the rich, powerful assholes, 234 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,474 there'll always be public apology tours 235 00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:24,351 and a Notes app mea culpa. 236 00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:27,938 And eventually, that asshole will join The View. 237 00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:29,231 Oh! 238 00:11:29,273 --> 00:11:31,192 Or be on "Dancing with the Stars." 239 00:11:31,234 --> 00:11:34,736 Or show their dick that no one wants to see 240 00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:36,406 to a bunch of aspiring comics 241 00:11:36,447 --> 00:11:38,950 and sell out entire theaters in Boston and Chicago 242 00:11:38,991 --> 00:11:40,076 a few years later. 243 00:11:40,118 --> 00:11:41,411 [gasping] 244 00:11:41,452 --> 00:11:43,370 Yo. 245 00:11:43,413 --> 00:11:46,666 You know what? 246 00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:48,668 I gotta get canceled. 247 00:11:48,710 --> 00:11:50,253 Mm-mm. 248 00:11:50,294 --> 00:11:51,671 I've been playing this all wrong. 249 00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:53,214 I got to get canceled! 250 00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:54,756 And I know exactly what to say. 251 00:11:54,798 --> 00:11:55,841 Uh-huh. 252 00:11:55,884 --> 00:11:57,634 All [bleep] are [bleep]. 253 00:11:57,677 --> 00:11:58,635 [gasping] 254 00:11:58,677 --> 00:11:59,303 No! 255 00:11:59,345 --> 00:12:01,972 And that's why you can't [bleep] mangy [bleep] 256 00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:03,725 to the [bleep] [bleep] 257 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:07,269 which is why I [bleep] 258 00:12:07,312 --> 00:12:08,897 Ha ha! 259 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,230 Oh... 260 00:12:10,273 --> 00:12:11,648 Dulce, Dulce, hey. 261 00:12:11,691 --> 00:12:13,109 I just got off the phone with Hollywood. 262 00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:14,568 This is my agent. What's up, darling? 263 00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:15,820 You're the next James Bond. 264 00:12:15,861 --> 00:12:17,489 Ah! Look at Jesus. 265 00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:18,490 Let's go. 266 00:12:18,531 --> 00:12:19,490 [cheering] 267 00:12:19,532 --> 00:12:20,908 [James Bond theme plays] 268 00:12:20,950 --> 00:12:22,701 Look at Jesus! Won't he do it! 269 00:12:22,744 --> 00:12:24,369 - I got canceled. - Can you do a British accent? 270 00:12:24,412 --> 00:12:26,998 [British accent] Oh, yeah, I can do a British accent. 271 00:12:27,039 --> 00:12:28,124 She can do a British accent. 272 00:12:28,166 --> 00:12:31,418 Chip, chip, cheerio, come get these towels. 273 00:12:31,461 --> 00:12:34,087 We're doing this all wrong. 274 00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,006 Wow. 275 00:12:36,048 --> 00:12:38,842 All right, y'all, get ready, and I do mean prepare yourselves, 276 00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:42,721 because anything can happen when Megan Stalter takes the stage. 277 00:12:42,764 --> 00:12:43,932 Megan? 278 00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:46,893 [cheering] 279 00:12:49,144 --> 00:12:51,773 I'm just gonna touch up my face. 280 00:12:59,656 --> 00:13:02,241 My magic 8-ball. 281 00:13:02,283 --> 00:13:03,408 Just a second. 282 00:13:10,542 --> 00:13:11,668 Okay. 283 00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:15,129 Um... hi, yucky bitches. 284 00:13:15,171 --> 00:13:16,880 Kidding. 285 00:13:16,922 --> 00:13:18,298 You're all nice. 286 00:13:18,341 --> 00:13:20,426 Well, most of you. 287 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,053 Um... anyways, we are gathered here 288 00:13:23,095 --> 00:13:26,307 to bid farewell to our sweaty, beautiful 289 00:13:26,349 --> 00:13:29,893 drunk friends with benefits, Hot Vaxx Summer. 290 00:13:29,936 --> 00:13:33,523 [cheering] 291 00:13:33,565 --> 00:13:35,858 And if you don't know what I mean by Hot Vaxx Summer, 292 00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,777 you may know her by her Christian name, 293 00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:40,113 Slut Girl Summer. 294 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,948 Whatever you call her, she was our horny little season 295 00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,118 that could get it in and get it down. 296 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:48,413 Reverse cowgirl style. 297 00:13:48,454 --> 00:13:50,414 Wine me, dine me, 39 me. 298 00:13:50,456 --> 00:13:53,042 Which is like 69, 299 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:56,712 but... shorter with longer tongue. 300 00:13:56,754 --> 00:14:00,133 And a shorter time. 301 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,926 That makes sense. 302 00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:05,596 Anyways, even though she only lived for a brief sticky season, 303 00:14:05,638 --> 00:14:08,682 Hot Vaxx Summer gave me a lifetime of memories 304 00:14:08,725 --> 00:14:11,185 and unidentifiable phone numbers. 305 00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:13,270 Like hot accountant with hair. 306 00:14:13,312 --> 00:14:14,980 Spooky Michael, he was fun. 307 00:14:15,023 --> 00:14:18,109 Woman who looks like Susan Sarandon, but mean. 308 00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:20,611 She wasn't mean, but she looked mean. 309 00:14:20,653 --> 00:14:25,158 It was hot. It was really hot. 310 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,619 You don't have any idea where this will fit. 311 00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:29,829 Let's just say that. 312 00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:31,581 Dizzy just thinking about her. 313 00:14:33,666 --> 00:14:35,835 Anyway, when I think about Hot Vaxx Summer, 314 00:14:35,877 --> 00:14:37,794 I'm reminded of her most important lesson: 315 00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:40,505 sure, you can be vaccinated against Corona virus, 316 00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:43,551 but you cannot get vaccinated against HPV. 317 00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:44,969 Oh, actually, you can. 318 00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:46,678 I love that energy, girl. 319 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,765 No, Meg, there's a real HPV vaccine. 320 00:14:49,807 --> 00:14:53,436 Love your spirit, biotch. 321 00:14:53,477 --> 00:14:54,979 She don't even know me. 322 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:57,148 Anyways, Hot Vaxx Summer is survived by 323 00:14:57,190 --> 00:14:58,649 Force Fiancé Fall. 324 00:14:58,691 --> 00:15:00,902 The only comfort I derive from this is 325 00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:03,696 how fitting it is that in her final act, 326 00:15:03,738 --> 00:15:06,740 Hot Vaxx Summer is getting laid... to rest. 327 00:15:06,783 --> 00:15:07,908 Love you, cunt. 328 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:09,369 My God! 329 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,995 - [piano plays] - Thank you. 330 00:15:15,041 --> 00:15:16,124 Woo-ooo! 331 00:15:16,167 --> 00:15:19,629 That was... very Megan. 332 00:15:24,133 --> 00:15:26,385 Oh. 333 00:15:26,427 --> 00:15:28,679 All right. 334 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,014 And now we are going to hear from someone very special. 335 00:15:31,057 --> 00:15:32,933 Guys, she's a little nervous, 336 00:15:32,975 --> 00:15:36,479 so please join me in giving a very warm welcome 337 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:41,067 to the extremely funny Aparna Nancherla. 338 00:15:41,109 --> 00:15:44,153 [cheering] 339 00:15:45,446 --> 00:15:46,571 Girl, I have got to take this off. 340 00:15:46,614 --> 00:15:48,783 I can't look like this, hold on. 341 00:15:48,825 --> 00:15:50,283 - I hear you. Let me put it up. - Thank you. 342 00:15:50,326 --> 00:15:52,161 [cheering] 343 00:16:01,546 --> 00:16:04,090 Hi. 344 00:16:04,132 --> 00:16:06,426 Hello. 345 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,302 Salutations. 346 00:16:11,431 --> 00:16:15,976 So, um... anyone here from out of town? 347 00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:17,769 No crowd work! 348 00:16:17,812 --> 00:16:23,442 Okay, I was just trying to connect to my fellow humans. 349 00:16:23,484 --> 00:16:28,114 Well, I'm here to say goodbye to the hermit life. 350 00:16:28,156 --> 00:16:30,825 [applause] 351 00:16:30,866 --> 00:16:34,494 This was the year we took off the quarantine sweatpants 352 00:16:34,537 --> 00:16:38,374 and put on the socializing sweatpants. 353 00:16:38,416 --> 00:16:41,335 Which are in fact the same pants. 354 00:16:41,377 --> 00:16:43,086 They were. 355 00:16:43,129 --> 00:16:47,258 It's all about intent. Like money laundering, you know? 356 00:16:47,299 --> 00:16:50,845 I remember when my hermit life all began. 357 00:16:50,887 --> 00:16:55,099 I was watching TV, one of my many friends who is a screen, 358 00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:58,518 and, uh... it suddenly blared, 359 00:16:58,561 --> 00:17:01,605 "Breaking news! The CDC recommends 360 00:17:01,647 --> 00:17:04,191 everyone stay inside indefinitely. 361 00:17:04,233 --> 00:17:08,196 Yes, we will continue to be this ominous and vague." 362 00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:11,323 You know, with my bubbly personality, 363 00:17:12,908 --> 00:17:15,786 pathological addiction to drama, 364 00:17:18,121 --> 00:17:21,082 and cocaine filled social calendar, 365 00:17:21,125 --> 00:17:23,668 this was a big sacrifice for me. 366 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:27,673 But like millions of others, I answered the call of duty, 367 00:17:27,715 --> 00:17:32,928 even though I prefer texts, I've made that very clear. 368 00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:37,891 I immediately adopted two small hangry cats. 369 00:17:37,934 --> 00:17:40,477 I always bought a Himalayan salt lamp. 370 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:42,062 No, I still don't know what it does, 371 00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:45,273 and yes, I have licked it more than once. 372 00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:48,026 I organized all my mystery cords. 373 00:17:48,069 --> 00:17:52,572 I advised my therapist on jazzing up her background. 374 00:17:52,615 --> 00:17:55,368 I stayed in shape by doing the same workout 375 00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:58,870 as Jennifer Lopez's character in the movie "Enough." 376 00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:02,041 Being a hermit was a natural fit for me. 377 00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:04,377 Actually, did you know the word hermit 378 00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:07,170 comes from the Greek word, Eremites, 379 00:18:07,213 --> 00:18:09,590 meaning "of the desert?" 380 00:18:09,631 --> 00:18:13,386 Yeah, I know that because I took an online Greek class 381 00:18:13,427 --> 00:18:14,846 for eight days. 382 00:18:14,887 --> 00:18:18,306 Day nine, the free trial ended, so, you know... 383 00:18:18,349 --> 00:18:19,975 Mm-hmm. 384 00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,644 You know, without the shackles of society 385 00:18:21,686 --> 00:18:26,023 and peer pressure, I became the most fully realized 386 00:18:26,064 --> 00:18:28,149 version of myself! 387 00:18:28,191 --> 00:18:29,860 - Good for you! - [cheering] 388 00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:31,696 I see you, girl. Live your truth. 389 00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:35,699 But then it all came crashing down. 390 00:18:35,741 --> 00:18:38,369 [crowd] Oh. 391 00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,872 Okay, I'm done crashing. 392 00:18:46,627 --> 00:18:49,880 Reintegrating to society was culture shock. 393 00:18:49,921 --> 00:18:52,841 You know, my mind erased things that weren't important anymore 394 00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:55,136 like how to make small talk. 395 00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:57,345 I tried to bring up the weather recently, 396 00:18:57,388 --> 00:18:59,931 and I said, "Oh, Sun, Moon to rain, huh?" 397 00:18:59,974 --> 00:19:01,766 [laughing] 398 00:19:01,809 --> 00:19:05,271 Luckily, I learned a few new tricks 399 00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:08,899 from a very credible source known as WikiHow. 400 00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:11,694 If you're at a social function where you don't know anyone, 401 00:19:11,735 --> 00:19:13,696 try walking up to a stranger 402 00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:17,408 and reciting an interesting fact in an enthusiastic tone. 403 00:19:17,449 --> 00:19:18,993 Like, "Hello, 404 00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:20,703 did you know the word hermit 405 00:19:20,744 --> 00:19:23,915 comes from the Greek word, Eremites, 406 00:19:23,956 --> 00:19:25,498 meaning of the desert?" 407 00:19:25,541 --> 00:19:28,960 Next, always have exit excuses locked and loaded 408 00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:31,004 whenever you're at a party. 409 00:19:31,046 --> 00:19:35,051 For example, "Oh, I have to go! I forgot I'm a doula! 410 00:19:35,091 --> 00:19:36,510 We're always on call." 411 00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:43,309 Or, "Oh, the line to the bathroom is very long. 412 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:44,851 I'm going to use mine." 413 00:19:49,732 --> 00:19:54,152 And finally, don't forget about your non-verbal communication. 414 00:19:54,195 --> 00:19:56,781 You know, here's some classic facial expressions 415 00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,658 for everyday settings. 416 00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,200 The "listening" face. 417 00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:06,540 The "I think this story is supposed to be funny 418 00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:08,876 but it's not really going anywhere" face. 419 00:20:14,048 --> 00:20:17,008 The "I spaced out for 30 seconds and am now 420 00:20:17,051 --> 00:20:18,636 overcompensating" face. 421 00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:27,144 And finally, the "I have clinical depression 422 00:20:27,186 --> 00:20:30,356 and constantly remember that none of this matters" face. 423 00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:38,863 That's actually my resting face, so... 424 00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:41,574 Oh, I have to go, I forgot I'm a doula! 425 00:20:41,617 --> 00:20:44,035 [cheering] 426 00:20:44,078 --> 00:20:45,662 We know that's a lie. 427 00:20:45,705 --> 00:20:46,831 Duty... 428 00:20:46,871 --> 00:20:48,416 Best of luck, Aparna, 429 00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,876 and I hope you have a safe and healthy delivery. 430 00:20:50,918 --> 00:20:53,087 Thank you, it's my first time. 431 00:20:54,213 --> 00:20:56,631 All right. And now... 432 00:20:56,674 --> 00:21:01,262 Laying to rest something gone far, far too soon. 433 00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:03,680 Please welcome X Mayo. 434 00:21:03,723 --> 00:21:05,433 [cheering] 435 00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,227 That was fast. 436 00:21:09,270 --> 00:21:10,562 I'm very good. 437 00:21:15,985 --> 00:21:20,238 Ladies, I am here today to lay to rest 438 00:21:20,281 --> 00:21:24,284 "My Body My Choice" bumper stickers. 439 00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:25,619 R.I.P. 440 00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:27,787 The slogan had a great run. 441 00:21:27,830 --> 00:21:29,915 It was a mindset, a movement. 442 00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:33,460 And a hard-earned victory we won decades ago. 443 00:21:33,502 --> 00:21:36,213 And it was a bumper sticker that proudly declared 444 00:21:36,254 --> 00:21:39,425 to all who passed, yes, I am a white woman, 445 00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:44,054 and I am listening to Alanis Morisette in this Subaru. 446 00:21:44,095 --> 00:21:46,639 But then 2021 happened. 447 00:21:46,681 --> 00:21:50,351 And the Supreme Court had the caucasity 448 00:21:50,394 --> 00:21:54,732 to roll back reproductive rights. 449 00:21:54,773 --> 00:21:56,609 Unless you're rich. 450 00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:59,486 First things first, now that the Supreme Court 451 00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:01,821 has ruled that our bodies ain't none of our business 452 00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:05,450 sex can have more consequences than it has in a long time. 453 00:22:05,493 --> 00:22:08,286 Now every time you hook up, you have to ask yourself, 454 00:22:08,329 --> 00:22:09,705 would this stranger with no bedframe be 455 00:22:09,746 --> 00:22:12,248 a good co-parent to my child? 456 00:22:12,291 --> 00:22:13,667 No! 457 00:22:13,708 --> 00:22:16,087 He don't even have sheets, ladies. 458 00:22:16,128 --> 00:22:20,549 Which is why I have a very special presentation for you. 459 00:22:20,591 --> 00:22:22,760 Hot wordless man? 460 00:22:22,802 --> 00:22:25,262 [cheering] 461 00:22:25,303 --> 00:22:27,430 Yes! 462 00:22:27,473 --> 00:22:30,767 Ladies, I present the 2021 Fuckbook. 463 00:22:30,810 --> 00:22:32,520 [cheering] 464 00:22:34,021 --> 00:22:36,815 Here are the people you can have sex with 465 00:22:36,857 --> 00:22:40,985 without the risk of an unwanted pregnancy. 466 00:22:41,027 --> 00:22:42,821 Yes, take a look. 467 00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:45,698 This married family values senator 468 00:22:45,741 --> 00:22:49,285 and only man who's needed a circumcision for his neck. 469 00:22:49,328 --> 00:22:52,622 If he gets you pregnant, you won't stay pregnant for long. 470 00:22:52,665 --> 00:22:55,292 You may even get a private jet to a clinic in Puerto Rico. 471 00:22:55,333 --> 00:22:57,002 Mm-hmm. 472 00:22:57,043 --> 00:22:59,463 All right, next step. 473 00:22:59,504 --> 00:23:02,550 We have your Dad's golf friend, Alan. 474 00:23:02,591 --> 00:23:04,552 He's not going to let a little mistake ruin things 475 00:23:04,592 --> 00:23:07,346 for him and Eileen, oh, no, she put him through law school. 476 00:23:07,388 --> 00:23:11,475 Sleep with Alan, consider your reproductive rights restored. 477 00:23:13,894 --> 00:23:16,187 And last, you're going to love this one. 478 00:23:16,229 --> 00:23:18,148 Oh, yes. 479 00:23:18,189 --> 00:23:20,191 [cheering] 480 00:23:22,610 --> 00:23:26,823 Yes, the safest sex of all is sex with yourself. 481 00:23:28,950 --> 00:23:32,705 We all laughed at Gwyneth Paltrow's vibrating jade egg 482 00:23:32,745 --> 00:23:34,497 and now look at us, we're sitting on them. 483 00:23:34,540 --> 00:23:36,792 Facts, facts. 484 00:23:36,833 --> 00:23:39,043 Which brings... you can go. 485 00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:41,379 Which brings me to another helpful idea 486 00:23:41,421 --> 00:23:44,757 and you know how much I have to get politi-cal. 487 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:49,138 But we need to regulate sperm like we regulate guns. 488 00:23:49,179 --> 00:23:50,764 Yes! 489 00:23:50,805 --> 00:23:54,267 Everyone needs a sperm permit. A spermit. 490 00:23:54,310 --> 00:23:55,936 Speak on it. 491 00:23:55,977 --> 00:23:58,688 And if that doesn't solve everything right now, 492 00:23:58,731 --> 00:24:01,774 as a special surprise, one lucky audience member 493 00:24:01,816 --> 00:24:03,401 has an IUD under her seat. 494 00:24:03,444 --> 00:24:05,196 - Ooh! - Yes, everybody look. 495 00:24:09,199 --> 00:24:10,618 Oh, oh! 496 00:24:10,658 --> 00:24:12,119 I got it. 497 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:13,244 Yes. 498 00:24:13,286 --> 00:24:14,787 I never win these things. 499 00:24:14,830 --> 00:24:16,706 Woo! 500 00:24:16,748 --> 00:24:19,251 Sorry we can only afford one, ladies, they're so expensive. 501 00:24:19,293 --> 00:24:20,710 - Mm-hmm. - That's it. 502 00:24:20,753 --> 00:24:22,629 But let's just be clear, this is not about 503 00:24:22,670 --> 00:24:24,465 the horizontal mambo, 504 00:24:24,505 --> 00:24:27,258 the ooey-gooey ciabatta. 505 00:24:27,301 --> 00:24:28,677 The two headed beast. 506 00:24:28,718 --> 00:24:30,553 You can just say sex. 507 00:24:30,596 --> 00:24:33,056 Right, it's about so much more than that. 508 00:24:33,098 --> 00:24:36,310 It's about things hopefully everyone agrees on. 509 00:24:36,351 --> 00:24:38,728 Ending the cycle of poverty by ensuring 510 00:24:38,771 --> 00:24:39,772 people aren't forced to have children 511 00:24:39,812 --> 00:24:42,899 they cannot afford to raise. 512 00:24:42,941 --> 00:24:46,027 [cheering] 513 00:24:46,070 --> 00:24:48,280 And the government's interest in babies shouldn't stop 514 00:24:48,321 --> 00:24:49,322 as soon as they're born. 515 00:24:49,365 --> 00:24:51,116 Yes! 516 00:24:51,158 --> 00:24:53,077 And season three of "Succession" took way too long to come out. 517 00:24:53,118 --> 00:24:54,369 Yeah! 518 00:24:54,410 --> 00:24:55,579 And where the fuck is "Boondocks"? 519 00:24:55,620 --> 00:24:57,206 Yeah! 520 00:24:57,247 --> 00:25:00,417 What I'm saying is we have to keep fighting. 521 00:25:00,458 --> 00:25:03,003 Let's be honest, many of you thought a new president 522 00:25:03,044 --> 00:25:05,255 would solve all of our problems, 523 00:25:05,296 --> 00:25:08,050 and that is because many of you are white. 524 00:25:08,091 --> 00:25:09,385 Yeah! 525 00:25:09,426 --> 00:25:11,762 And ultimately, even though 526 00:25:11,803 --> 00:25:14,264 "My Body My Choice" bumper stickers are gone, 527 00:25:14,305 --> 00:25:17,935 we can honor their legacy by not giving in to apathy. 528 00:25:17,976 --> 00:25:20,228 By not falling asleep behind the wheel 529 00:25:20,271 --> 00:25:22,939 because do you know who sure as shit hasn't? 530 00:25:22,982 --> 00:25:24,649 The motherfuckers who thinks the vaccine 531 00:25:24,691 --> 00:25:27,151 turns you into a magnet and thinks JFK Jr. 532 00:25:27,194 --> 00:25:30,281 is a guy living in his van in Pennsylvania. 533 00:25:30,321 --> 00:25:32,283 They're dying for us to lose momentum, 534 00:25:32,323 --> 00:25:33,283 but will we? 535 00:25:33,324 --> 00:25:34,952 [crowd] No! 536 00:25:34,994 --> 00:25:36,954 That's right, because if we can muster up enough 537 00:25:36,995 --> 00:25:39,956 fan outrage to bring back our favorite cancelled show, 538 00:25:39,998 --> 00:25:42,626 "The Connors"... 539 00:25:42,668 --> 00:25:44,085 It's a good show. 540 00:25:44,128 --> 00:25:46,463 Then we can do it for our reproductive rights. 541 00:25:46,504 --> 00:25:48,131 [cheering] 542 00:25:50,133 --> 00:25:52,761 So I stand here before you today 543 00:25:52,802 --> 00:25:55,430 itching in lace. 544 00:25:55,472 --> 00:25:57,725 To ask you one simple question: 545 00:25:57,765 --> 00:25:59,935 will you take this fear and anxiety 546 00:25:59,976 --> 00:26:02,312 and commit to doing everything you can to make sure 547 00:26:02,353 --> 00:26:04,648 we unfuck what they fucked up 548 00:26:04,689 --> 00:26:06,859 so we can get back to fucking? 549 00:26:06,899 --> 00:26:08,026 [cheering] 550 00:26:08,068 --> 00:26:09,152 Fuck yeah. 551 00:26:09,194 --> 00:26:11,612 That sounds real good to me. 552 00:26:11,655 --> 00:26:14,742 And with that... 553 00:26:14,783 --> 00:26:17,328 I have plan B for everybody. 554 00:26:17,369 --> 00:26:18,829 [cheering] 555 00:26:18,870 --> 00:26:22,123 All right, let's go... One, two, three. 556 00:26:22,166 --> 00:26:23,876 [cheering] 557 00:26:26,378 --> 00:26:29,840 You're not gonna get pregnant, you're not gonna get pregnant, 558 00:26:29,881 --> 00:26:31,758 you're not gonna get pregnant. 559 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,092 Yes! 560 00:26:33,135 --> 00:26:34,552 Thanks, ladies. 561 00:26:40,850 --> 00:26:42,101 Wow, okay. 562 00:26:42,144 --> 00:26:44,979 The ooey-gooey ciabatta. 563 00:26:45,022 --> 00:26:48,566 Can't lie, I'm interested. 564 00:26:48,609 --> 00:26:51,904 All right, ladies, we have said goodbye to so much tonight, 565 00:26:51,945 --> 00:26:53,613 but before we... 566 00:26:53,655 --> 00:26:55,198 I'm sorry I'm late. 567 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:56,617 [gasping] 568 00:26:56,658 --> 00:26:58,827 But you know I am a living legend. 569 00:26:58,869 --> 00:27:00,870 [cheering] [music playing] 570 00:27:04,750 --> 00:27:06,918 Miss Fonda, please. It's an honor. 571 00:27:06,959 --> 00:27:08,504 The podium is yours. 572 00:27:08,544 --> 00:27:10,296 [cheering] 573 00:27:11,799 --> 00:27:13,132 It's an honor. 574 00:27:16,261 --> 00:27:19,723 Hello, my name is Jane Fonda, I'm um... 575 00:27:19,764 --> 00:27:21,558 [cheering] 576 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:23,685 Thank you. 577 00:27:23,726 --> 00:27:25,646 Oscar, Emmy, Golden Globe winning thespian. 578 00:27:25,687 --> 00:27:27,231 [cheering] 579 00:27:27,272 --> 00:27:31,401 Environmentalist, political activist, arrestee. 580 00:27:31,443 --> 00:27:35,321 And either I'm Grace or Frankie, I'm not sure. 581 00:27:35,363 --> 00:27:37,824 Um... Google me. 582 00:27:37,866 --> 00:27:40,244 This year we said goodbye 583 00:27:40,284 --> 00:27:45,081 to Ignoring the Climate Crisis. 584 00:27:45,123 --> 00:27:49,419 The world's top 200 climate scientists have called this 585 00:27:49,460 --> 00:27:52,798 a code red moment for humanity. 586 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:56,135 Texas froze over. 587 00:27:56,176 --> 00:27:58,719 Then the ocean caught fire. 588 00:27:58,762 --> 00:28:03,015 New York City subways turned into white water rapids 589 00:28:03,058 --> 00:28:07,979 and Seattle got hotter than that hotty from "Bridgerton" 590 00:28:08,021 --> 00:28:10,398 who has nothing on you, dear. 591 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,024 Woo! 592 00:28:12,066 --> 00:28:14,277 When things get this cataclysmic, 593 00:28:14,319 --> 00:28:17,363 I usually file for divorce. 594 00:28:17,406 --> 00:28:19,158 Now that's a legend! 595 00:28:19,198 --> 00:28:21,784 You probably assume that I'm up here ready 596 00:28:21,827 --> 00:28:26,915 to give a doom and gloom speech. But no. 597 00:28:26,956 --> 00:28:30,710 I've had a martini and a doobie and I'm feeling kinda hopeful. 598 00:28:30,752 --> 00:28:33,839 [cheering] 599 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:35,966 The fossil fuel corporations 600 00:28:36,007 --> 00:28:38,427 aren't going to give up fracking our future 601 00:28:38,468 --> 00:28:40,262 and buying off our politicians, 602 00:28:40,303 --> 00:28:43,724 so... we might as well look at the bright side, right? 603 00:28:43,764 --> 00:28:45,225 - Mm-hmm. - Okay. 604 00:28:45,266 --> 00:28:49,146 Nobody talks about how the haze from wildfires 605 00:28:49,187 --> 00:28:54,066 creates such incredibly flattering light. 606 00:28:54,109 --> 00:28:58,196 And sure, sea levels are rising at an accelerating rate, 607 00:28:58,237 --> 00:29:01,992 but doesn't that mean there's more ocean front property 608 00:29:02,033 --> 00:29:04,619 becoming available? 609 00:29:04,660 --> 00:29:07,331 My grandson might never see a coral reef, 610 00:29:07,371 --> 00:29:10,250 but he will snorkel high above the gorgeous 611 00:29:10,292 --> 00:29:13,294 underwater city of Miami. 612 00:29:13,337 --> 00:29:21,093 Plus, protesting the fossil fuel industry is amazing cardio. 613 00:29:21,136 --> 00:29:23,388 If I hadn't been arrested repeatedly, 614 00:29:23,429 --> 00:29:25,724 I wouldn't have this butt. 615 00:29:25,765 --> 00:29:28,476 [cheering] 616 00:29:28,519 --> 00:29:33,648 Stepping into police vans has replaced my Stairmaster. 617 00:29:33,689 --> 00:29:35,566 Talk about resistance training. 618 00:29:35,609 --> 00:29:37,401 Yes, clever word play. 619 00:29:37,444 --> 00:29:39,987 So basically, unless major corporate polluters 620 00:29:40,030 --> 00:29:41,740 are held accountable 621 00:29:41,782 --> 00:29:44,993 and we vote out the politicians beholden to them, 622 00:29:45,034 --> 00:29:46,453 our days are numbered. 623 00:29:46,494 --> 00:29:49,581 If it's just fossil fuel corporations, 624 00:29:49,622 --> 00:29:50,791 does that mean I shouldn't feel bad about 625 00:29:50,831 --> 00:29:52,708 my Fiji water soaking bath? 626 00:29:52,751 --> 00:29:56,629 No, you should feel very, very bad about that, Maggie. 627 00:29:56,671 --> 00:29:59,257 Oh my God, Jane Fonda knows my name! 628 00:29:59,299 --> 00:30:00,591 That's not your name. 629 00:30:00,633 --> 00:30:02,135 It is now. 630 00:30:02,177 --> 00:30:05,304 So, let's enjoy the earth while it lasts. 631 00:30:05,347 --> 00:30:07,099 [cheering] 632 00:30:12,853 --> 00:30:15,857 I'd like to propose a toast 633 00:30:15,898 --> 00:30:17,693 to the planet. 634 00:30:17,734 --> 00:30:19,194 Our only home. 635 00:30:19,235 --> 00:30:24,616 [cheering] 636 00:30:24,658 --> 00:30:26,409 And now if you'll excuse me, 637 00:30:26,450 --> 00:30:29,120 I have to go scrub the oil off a blue whale 638 00:30:29,161 --> 00:30:30,871 down on Huntington beach. 639 00:30:30,914 --> 00:30:32,206 [cheering] 640 00:30:47,555 --> 00:30:49,099 Wow. 641 00:30:49,140 --> 00:30:53,603 Jane "fabulous at any age" Fonda. Oh my God. 642 00:30:53,645 --> 00:30:55,104 We should all be so lucky. 643 00:30:55,147 --> 00:30:56,773 Because if I'm being honest, 644 00:30:56,814 --> 00:30:59,400 with everything that's going on, 645 00:30:59,443 --> 00:31:02,154 I don't know about y'all but I am tired. 646 00:31:02,195 --> 00:31:03,613 Mm-hmm. 647 00:31:03,655 --> 00:31:04,947 Nah, nah, scratch that, I'm "tiH'd"! 648 00:31:04,989 --> 00:31:07,575 With a capital "H'd." 649 00:31:07,618 --> 00:31:09,035 Actually, if you don't mind, 650 00:31:09,077 --> 00:31:10,829 I can't live like this no more. 651 00:31:10,870 --> 00:31:13,247 - Take them off! - What am I trying to prove, ok? 652 00:31:13,290 --> 00:31:14,248 - [cheering] - Do it. 653 00:31:14,291 --> 00:31:15,458 Do it, do it, do it! 654 00:31:15,500 --> 00:31:16,834 My foot hurt. 655 00:31:16,877 --> 00:31:19,379 As I was saying, a hoe is tired. 656 00:31:19,420 --> 00:31:24,091 And that's why I'm saying goodbye to hustle and grind. 657 00:31:24,133 --> 00:31:25,802 [cheering] 658 00:31:25,843 --> 00:31:29,973 We live in a culture that celebrates being on and popping. 659 00:31:30,014 --> 00:31:32,642 All the time? Everywhere we turn, we're being told. 660 00:31:32,684 --> 00:31:34,852 that we always have to be hustling. 661 00:31:34,895 --> 00:31:36,979 What you doing? What are you doing? 662 00:31:37,022 --> 00:31:38,648 What are you doing? 663 00:31:38,689 --> 00:31:42,026 You know, you work five jobs and you have #nodaysoff. 664 00:31:42,069 --> 00:31:44,780 You at the gym. Yeah, you, at the gym, 665 00:31:44,821 --> 00:31:47,073 and posting it on the 'gram, look at me, it's leg day. 666 00:31:47,115 --> 00:31:48,783 Ah! 667 00:31:48,824 --> 00:31:50,452 Because if you don't post it, did it ever happen? 668 00:31:50,494 --> 00:31:52,244 Well, did it happen, Morty? We get it. 669 00:31:52,286 --> 00:31:55,165 Close your shirt up. Close your shirt! 670 00:31:55,206 --> 00:32:00,003 [chanting] Close your shirt! 671 00:32:00,044 --> 00:32:03,005 Just saying, like, what if I'm too tired to go to the gym? 672 00:32:03,048 --> 00:32:05,883 This is how tired I am, my shoulders are high. 673 00:32:05,926 --> 00:32:08,969 Just like this. I'm so tired. 674 00:32:09,012 --> 00:32:12,808 We're so afraid that if we just sit down 675 00:32:12,849 --> 00:32:15,519 for one dag'gone second, we're going to be left behind. 676 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:17,062 Left behind where? 677 00:32:17,103 --> 00:32:20,107 They're already going to space without us. 678 00:32:20,148 --> 00:32:22,859 But this year, so many of us said, you know what, 679 00:32:22,900 --> 00:32:26,571 - mmm-mm, enough is enough. - Yes! 680 00:32:26,612 --> 00:32:30,242 And Black women who have had to hustle and grind 681 00:32:30,283 --> 00:32:32,119 twice as hard led the charge. 682 00:32:32,159 --> 00:32:33,494 True! 683 00:32:33,536 --> 00:32:36,456 Simon Biles put her 3'4" feet down 684 00:32:36,497 --> 00:32:39,751 and she stopped tumbling just to prioritize her mental health, 685 00:32:39,793 --> 00:32:41,837 and you know what? She still won a medal. 686 00:32:41,878 --> 00:32:46,174 Naomi Osaka taught us that, "mm-mm" is a complete sentence. 687 00:32:46,216 --> 00:32:49,010 "I don't want to" is a good enough reason. 688 00:32:49,052 --> 00:32:51,763 And Meghan Markle was so tired, 689 00:32:51,804 --> 00:32:54,933 that that chick gave up a whole entire castle, y'all. 690 00:32:54,975 --> 00:32:56,851 That's how tired Black women are. 691 00:32:56,892 --> 00:32:59,646 We don't even want to be princesses no more! 692 00:32:59,687 --> 00:33:02,232 Speak for yourself, honey. 693 00:33:02,273 --> 00:33:03,274 Okay, first you want to be James Bond, 694 00:33:03,315 --> 00:33:04,650 now you want to be a princess? 695 00:33:04,693 --> 00:33:07,821 I'm trying to take over England, baby. 696 00:33:07,862 --> 00:33:11,158 No, everybody's tired, even essential workers. 697 00:33:11,198 --> 00:33:15,536 They rightfully asked, "Y'all, if we're so essential, 698 00:33:15,579 --> 00:33:17,121 then how come y'all won't provide us with, 699 00:33:17,164 --> 00:33:19,206 I don't know, a living wage and health care?" 700 00:33:19,248 --> 00:33:21,208 [applause] 701 00:33:21,251 --> 00:33:23,003 'Cause if covid don't get you, a milk crate will. Ah! 702 00:33:23,043 --> 00:33:26,798 I got that challenge on my first try. 703 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:27,799 Oh, really, your first one? 704 00:33:27,841 --> 00:33:29,133 You want to show us? 705 00:33:29,176 --> 00:33:32,052 It takes me two hours to set it up. 706 00:33:32,094 --> 00:33:36,099 [laughing] [sighs] 707 00:33:36,140 --> 00:33:38,392 I'm too tired to even mess with you right now, Aparna. 708 00:33:38,435 --> 00:33:39,936 That's how tired I am. 709 00:33:41,897 --> 00:33:44,440 You know, this was a year that it became crystal clear 710 00:33:44,483 --> 00:33:46,025 what we really wanted. 711 00:33:46,066 --> 00:33:48,820 Some people moved out of big, expensive cities 712 00:33:48,861 --> 00:33:52,698 to live slower lives in smaller towns closer to family. 713 00:33:52,741 --> 00:33:54,993 And other people traded in high powered corporate gigs 714 00:33:55,034 --> 00:33:57,995 they have been working towards since graduation 715 00:33:58,037 --> 00:33:59,581 only to pursue their dream 716 00:33:59,622 --> 00:34:01,792 of selling homemade snicker doodle cookies 717 00:34:01,832 --> 00:34:04,252 or mimosa scented body scrubs. 718 00:34:04,293 --> 00:34:06,588 If anyone's interested in hand-knitted dog booties, 719 00:34:06,629 --> 00:34:08,215 you can visit my Etsy store. 720 00:34:08,256 --> 00:34:10,966 Rachel, you got an Emmy and an Etsy? 721 00:34:11,008 --> 00:34:12,510 Girl, ain't you tired. 722 00:34:12,552 --> 00:34:14,012 I love dogs. 723 00:34:14,053 --> 00:34:15,722 At some point I'm going to have to answer 724 00:34:15,764 --> 00:34:17,307 to my mama when she asks, 725 00:34:17,349 --> 00:34:19,725 "When are you going to stop posting on Instagram 726 00:34:19,767 --> 00:34:21,561 and give me some grandbabies?" 727 00:34:21,602 --> 00:34:24,481 How does she think I'm supposed to get the man 728 00:34:24,523 --> 00:34:26,774 to give her these grandbabies? 729 00:34:26,816 --> 00:34:28,401 Do you understand how hard it is to explain 730 00:34:28,443 --> 00:34:30,820 what a thirst trap is to an immigrant mom? 731 00:34:30,861 --> 00:34:32,446 Let me show you. 732 00:34:33,657 --> 00:34:35,950 [chanting] 733 00:34:44,124 --> 00:34:45,919 That is a thirst trap. 734 00:34:45,961 --> 00:34:47,878 [applause] 735 00:34:47,921 --> 00:34:50,173 Basically, y'all, the pandemic made me realize 736 00:34:50,215 --> 00:34:52,216 that life is short. 737 00:34:52,258 --> 00:34:54,468 And tomorrow's not promised. 738 00:34:54,510 --> 00:34:57,055 So Drake, you really need to answer my DMs. 739 00:34:57,097 --> 00:34:59,057 [cheering] 740 00:34:59,099 --> 00:35:00,767 And I'm proud of us, 741 00:35:00,809 --> 00:35:02,309 because we're all ending this year 742 00:35:02,352 --> 00:35:04,479 very differently than when we began it. 743 00:35:04,521 --> 00:35:07,481 We're getting rid of everything that did not serve us, 744 00:35:07,524 --> 00:35:10,568 and we are embracing these newer, beautiful versions 745 00:35:10,610 --> 00:35:11,778 of ourselves 746 00:35:11,820 --> 00:35:13,195 with a new set of priorities. 747 00:35:13,238 --> 00:35:15,823 I mean, what are we all working so hard for 748 00:35:15,865 --> 00:35:17,617 if we can't enjoy the fruits of our labor? 749 00:35:17,658 --> 00:35:18,660 Yeah! 750 00:35:18,702 --> 00:35:20,035 So tonight 751 00:35:20,077 --> 00:35:21,662 I'm putting down hustle and grind. 752 00:35:21,704 --> 00:35:22,956 Bye bye. 753 00:35:22,997 --> 00:35:27,043 And I am picking up ease and flow. 754 00:35:27,084 --> 00:35:28,044 Mmm. 755 00:35:28,086 --> 00:35:29,796 [cheering] 756 00:35:29,838 --> 00:35:34,800 Because you know what? Resting is being productive, too. 757 00:35:34,843 --> 00:35:37,637 When you're rested up, you can show up for you 758 00:35:37,678 --> 00:35:40,390 and for the people and causes you actually care about. 759 00:35:40,432 --> 00:35:42,642 You can't pour from an empty glass. 760 00:35:42,684 --> 00:35:44,144 And speaking of glasses, 761 00:35:44,184 --> 00:35:49,106 it is time for me to fill me up. Hello. 762 00:35:49,149 --> 00:35:51,901 - [cheering] -That's right. 763 00:35:51,943 --> 00:35:54,613 Yeah! 764 00:35:54,653 --> 00:35:59,033 So, as we bid farewell to this year, let's raise a glass. 765 00:35:59,075 --> 00:36:02,329 [cheering] 766 00:36:02,370 --> 00:36:04,539 Pour out a little liquor for our homies that couldn't make it. 767 00:36:04,581 --> 00:36:05,916 No pouring out. 768 00:36:05,957 --> 00:36:09,628 Okay, well, more for me. 769 00:36:09,669 --> 00:36:11,963 So as we leave 2021 behind, 770 00:36:12,004 --> 00:36:15,508 I am going to vow to stay hydrated, hello, 771 00:36:15,550 --> 00:36:18,470 moisturized, and apparently BFFs with Jane Fonda, 772 00:36:18,510 --> 00:36:20,137 'cause she looks amazing. 773 00:36:20,180 --> 00:36:21,472 [cheering] 774 00:36:21,514 --> 00:36:23,015 I'm gonna relax. 775 00:36:23,057 --> 00:36:25,309 I'm gonna be rich and married! 776 00:36:25,352 --> 00:36:26,561 Woo! 777 00:36:26,602 --> 00:36:28,146 And I'm gonna go platinum again. 778 00:36:28,187 --> 00:36:30,649 Oh my gosh, Alessia Cara? 779 00:36:30,689 --> 00:36:33,276 Hey, Yvonne, love all this. 780 00:36:33,318 --> 00:36:35,028 Girl, we are about to do an in memoriam. 781 00:36:35,070 --> 00:36:36,403 You have to sing. 782 00:36:36,445 --> 00:36:39,782 No, I wouldn't want to... intrude. 783 00:36:39,823 --> 00:36:42,117 Mm-mm, stop it. I insist. 784 00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:43,285 No, I really, I couldn't. 785 00:36:43,327 --> 00:36:44,912 I ain't gonna beg you. 786 00:36:44,954 --> 00:36:49,209 ♪ Every night in my dreams ♪ 787 00:36:49,249 --> 00:36:53,921 ♪ I see you, I feel you ♪ 788 00:36:53,963 --> 00:37:00,678 ♪ That is how I know you go on ♪ 789 00:37:02,972 --> 00:37:07,267 ♪ Far across the distance ♪ 790 00:37:07,309 --> 00:37:12,023 ♪ And spaces between us ♪ 791 00:37:12,064 --> 00:37:18,530 ♪ You have come to show you go on ♪ 792 00:37:21,157 --> 00:37:28,789 ♪ Near, far, wherever you are ♪ 793 00:37:28,832 --> 00:37:31,126 ♪ I believe ♪ 794 00:37:31,166 --> 00:37:37,215 ♪That the heart does go on ♪ 795 00:37:38,883 --> 00:37:46,307 ♪ Once more, you open the door ♪ 796 00:37:46,349 --> 00:37:50,894 ♪ And you're here in my heart ♪ 797 00:37:50,936 --> 00:37:58,570 ♪ And my heart will go on and on ♪ 798 00:38:05,535 --> 00:38:09,664 ♪ You're here ♪ 799 00:38:09,706 --> 00:38:13,626 ♪ There's nothing I fear ♪ 800 00:38:13,668 --> 00:38:15,961 ♪ And I know ♪ 801 00:38:16,003 --> 00:38:22,052 ♪ That the heart does go on ♪ 802 00:38:23,595 --> 00:38:27,515 ♪ We'll stay ♪ 803 00:38:27,557 --> 00:38:31,602 ♪ Forever this way ♪ 804 00:38:31,644 --> 00:38:36,691 ♪ You are safe in my heart and ♪ 805 00:38:36,733 --> 00:38:39,526 ♪ My heart will ♪ 806 00:38:39,568 --> 00:38:47,410 ♪ Go on and on ♪ 807 00:38:53,166 --> 00:38:54,876 [cheering] 808 00:38:54,918 --> 00:38:57,211 You sing it. 809 00:38:57,253 --> 00:38:59,631 Have a healthy and happy new year, loves. 810 00:38:59,671 --> 00:39:01,423 See you guys in 2022. 811 00:39:09,599 --> 00:39:11,350 What a year. 812 00:39:13,311 --> 00:39:15,979 [woman shouting] 813 00:39:16,021 --> 00:39:18,191 Hello. 814 00:39:18,233 --> 00:39:20,485 It's really special to be on a set 815 00:39:20,526 --> 00:39:21,568 with all women. 816 00:39:21,611 --> 00:39:23,363 [cheering] 817 00:39:23,403 --> 00:39:24,571 - Come up. - Okay. 818 00:39:24,613 --> 00:39:25,698 And then back down. 819 00:39:25,740 --> 00:39:26,950 Yeah, be pregnant. 820 00:39:26,990 --> 00:39:28,617 There we go. 821 00:39:28,660 --> 00:39:31,120 I like candids. 822 00:39:31,162 --> 00:39:32,579 Ma'am! 823 00:39:32,622 --> 00:39:33,914 There are going to be a few reactions. 824 00:39:33,957 --> 00:39:36,126 Guys, we have one more shot before... 825 00:39:36,166 --> 00:39:38,669 Oh my gosh, Jane Fonda walks in. 826 00:39:38,711 --> 00:39:40,504 The air in the room just goes... 827 00:39:41,673 --> 00:39:43,340 This? 828 00:39:44,550 --> 00:39:45,552 Or... 829 00:39:47,303 --> 00:39:49,305 [clamoring] 830 00:39:49,347 --> 00:39:52,724 If covid don't get you, a milk crate will. Ah! 831 00:39:52,767 --> 00:39:55,352 She went full James Brown. 832 00:39:55,394 --> 00:39:57,604 [laughing] 833 00:39:57,646 --> 00:39:59,023 Do y'all want a different read? 834 00:40:01,943 --> 00:40:04,403 You're a little dark cloud that just passes... 835 00:40:04,445 --> 00:40:05,988 What'd you say? What'd you say? 836 00:40:06,030 --> 00:40:08,700 - Please don't do that. - I can't hear you. 837 00:40:08,740 --> 00:40:10,869 So we can get back to fucking! 838 00:40:10,910 --> 00:40:13,162 That sounds real good to me. 839 00:40:13,204 --> 00:40:14,664 Aparna, you be fucking? 840 00:40:14,706 --> 00:40:16,749 Oh, yeah, when I can. 841 00:40:16,791 --> 00:40:18,376 [laughing] 842 00:40:18,418 --> 00:40:20,253 And now I'm gonna sing. 843 00:40:20,294 --> 00:40:21,921 Don't play that piano. 844 00:40:21,963 --> 00:40:24,631 ♪ Divorce daddy don't ♪ 845 00:40:24,673 --> 00:40:26,925 ♪ Divorce daddy ♪ 846 00:40:26,968 --> 00:40:31,514 ♪ Don't leave ♪ 847 00:40:31,555 --> 00:40:33,640 [laughing] 848 00:40:33,682 --> 00:40:35,267 ♪ Get thee behind ♪ 849 00:40:35,309 --> 00:40:40,398 ♪ Cause what? Joy today ♪ 850 00:40:40,439 --> 00:40:41,816 See you again next year. 851 00:40:43,066 --> 00:40:44,526 All in a day's work.