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[♪]
[PHONE LINE RINGING]
[PHONE LINE RINGING CONTINUOUS]
[NOTIFICATION CHIME]
[WATER RUNNING]
[DOOR OPENS]
Come on.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]
[CRICKETS CHIRP]
[STRIKES COMPUTER KEY] [CALL CHIMES]
Hello, this is Beth.
MAN: Oh, hey.
How are you doing tonight?
Um, I'’m okay.
I just wanted to talk, if that'’s okay.
No sleep?
Yeah...
I'’m a bit off.
I don'’t know.
Just haven'’t found my rhythm yet.
What do you mean?
Well...
uh, you know,
I got out of prison last year.
Oh.
Congratulations.
Yeah. Yeah, thanks.
Thank you.
So...
big adjustment.
[LAUGHS] Yeah!
Yes, ma'’am.
First, I was sleeping all of the time,
like too much stimulation, you know?
I was like a puppy at the dog park.
Like, as soon as I got home, I just... I needed sleep.
I can imagine.
But it'’s all good. I'’m blessed.
I'’m so happy for you.
Yeah, thank you.
You'’re welcome.
Wait, am I saying thanks too much?
Don'’t worry about it.
You don'’t need to thank me, but it'’s fine.
You'’re doing great.
So, uh...
You-- You work-- You work nights?
Sometimes I'’ll do a day shift,
but nights is when most people call.
Hmm.
You been doing it a long time?
A few years.
This is my last month, actually.
At least for a while.
You gotta recharge the batteries, or...?
You could say that.
The last year has been pretty intense.
Yeah, I can imagine.
You know, it'’s-- It'’s funny.
I-I-I'’ve been out six weeks when the '’rona went off.
Everybody was bitching about
having to stay home and I was like,
"Bro, you'’re telling me I can eat what I want
"and sleep when I want and wear what I want?
That'’s supposed to be hard?"
[LAUGHS] That'’s funny.
I mean, I don'’t...
Sorry, I don'’t mean funny, I just mean...
Oh, it'’s okay.
I'’m the one who said it was funny.
Right.
You know, to tell you the truth, it...
It was good for me.
Was it? Yeah.
In prison, you know,
they got these transition units.
They give you a little bit more freedom,
a little bit of time, you know, so you don'’t...
You start getting used to it.
I-I-I didn'’t go through that.
I went straight from the shoe to the street.
You know, it'’s probably good that I got--
I got some time to adjust, right?
Yeah, I get it. Yeah, I was--
I was sitting with my grandma one night and she said, uh...
"Michael, it'’s so weird.
"The day is so slow, but then at the end,
it feels like it lasted a minute."
[LAUGHS] I know, right?
You know, I told her, "That'’s prison time."
The day is slow because nothing happens.
And when it'’s gone,
it feels like it never even started, you know?
You don'’t even remember nothing because nothing happened.
Wow.
That'’s deep, Michael.
You know what was weird, though?
What'’s that?
Wearing a mask in a store.
I-I couldn'’t even get a mask.
I mean, first time,
I had to use this bandanna my sister gave me.
And I was like, "I don'’t know about this."
I mean, because last time I entered a store
with a bandanna on, I got shot.
I mean, shot and arrested.
She was like, "Never mind that
because now they won'’t even let you in without a mask."
So I go shopping with this bandanna on.
I mean, I always had this feeling
that people check me out.
I mean, I know they can tell I'’ve been inside, so...
I think that'’s probably just in your head though, no?
Mm, no, it isn'’t.
Trust me.
I mean, even if they don'’t know what it is exactly,
they can tell there'’s something different about me.
It'’s like they can smell it.
I don'’t mean literally.
I smell real nice these days, believe that.
I believe it.
Anyways, I'’m already stressing out
about being around people,
and now I got to wear a bandanna
like I'’m robbing the place.
The guy at the cash register,
I'’m thinking he'’s gonna pull a shotgun any second.
So I start sweating, you know, and my heartbeat'’s up.
And he rings me up and he goes,
"Did you find everything you were looking for?"
And I'’m like, "What?"
I don'’t understand the question,
which I actually didn'’t because I'’m spaced out
and I got a fucking bandanna on,
and I'’m not even used to hearing this kind of question.
So he repeats the question.
And I'’m like, "Uh, yes, sir."
And then I skip a beat, and then I go, "Thanks."
And then what happened?
Nothing. Nothing.
You know what he said?
"Have a good night."
And then I walk out, and then I realize...
Damn.
No, I-I didn'’t find everything I was looking for.
[LAUGHS]
I was in such a rush to get out of there
that I forgot like half of it.
[CHUCKLES]
That happens to me all the time.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Unless I have a written-down list,
I'’m always gonna forget something.
I can'’t retain that kind of information.
Yeah, I got used to it, though.
You know, the, uh...
The mask, I mean.
That'’s good.
People can think whatever they want.
You know, they can'’t see me.
You know, I don'’t care what they think.
Right.
I'’m not a bad person.
I know.
How-- How do you know?
Well, I guess I just mean
that I don'’t have any reason to think otherwise.
My father, he went to the pen when I was 6.
You know, he just died like three years ago.
Hmm. Sorry to hear that.
We never had a relationship.
I-I was raised by my grandma.
My mom, after he got arrested, you know, she said to me,
"Look, I can handle your sisters, but you?
You got to move in with your grandma."
She, like, shipped me off like baggage.
That'’s rough. You were only 6?
Yeah, I was, like, just about to start school.
I didn'’t have any friends.
I walked back alone every day.
And then like after a month,
I started taking a different way.
I cut through this alley where these homeboys hung out.
And they started joking with me.
And that'’s actually--
Yeah, that'’s actually when I started noticing stuff.
What-- What do you mean? What stuff?
Like, uh, the tattoos.
The graffiti.
Like, I'’ve been seeing them my whole life,
but I never...
Never really paid attention.
And now...
Now they were speaking to me.
Like, I finally understood the language.
Wow.
You know, that was it for me.
Yeah, I just-- I just saw the whole picture.
Thank you for that.
Yeah, you'’re welcome.
So...
is there anything that you need from me?
Anything that I can help you with?
I don'’t know.
I'’m a little bit worried, I guess.
Hmm. What about?
Just-- Just stuff out there.
I don'’t have a lot of skills.
I had this job at this auto glass repair,
but it went out of business.
It wasn'’t the greatest job in the world, but, you know...
Well, I can give you a number for financial assistance
if you need that.
No, no, I'’m-- I'’m already doing all that.
Okay.
Hey, look, worse comes to worse,
I got the bandanna, right?
Uh, that-- That was a joke.
I know.
Wait, you'’re not tracing these calls, are you?
Not tracing, not recording.
I'’m just sitting here at home talking to you.
Oh, okay. Sorry.
So listen, I think that you should check out
this group HandUp.
It'’s like as opposed to Handout.
Anyways, it'’s an organization
run by formerly incarcerated folks
that can help with jobs, housing...
Yeah, yeah. Is one of the guys named Jackson?
Well, that I don'’t know,
but let me just give you the number.
No, it'’s all right.
It'’s all right, I'’ll find it.
It'’s okay.
Okay. You know, I just...
I just-- I just needed to talk, that'’s it.
Of course. Anytime.
That was a joke about the bandanna, you know.
I'’m...
I'’m not gonna rob nobody. I know.
[SIGHS]
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
[CALL CHIMES]
Hello. This is Beth.
MAN: Hi.
Hey, listen, um...
could you come out?
What do you mean?
I mean, can you come out here and talk to my wife?
Oh, sorry.
I can'’t come there.
But if you put her on the phone, I can talk to her.
No, she'’s not gonna do that.
I can talk to you both together or separately,
whatever works for you.
I just can'’t do it in person.
But if this is an emergency, I can give you--
It'’s not that kind of emergency.
Okay.
What'’s going on?
I just told her that, um...
That I don'’t love her anymore.
I see.
Now I'’m not sure what to do.
What did she say?
Well, she just went and locked herself in the bedroom.
Is she okay?
Are you worried she might do something?
Oh, no, no. I told you, it'’s not...
She would never do...
You know, we have kids.
Okay.
I didn'’t even want this, you know?
I mean, I didn'’t even--
I don'’t even understand it.
What the fuck happened?
[NOTIFICATION CHIMES] [ICE CUBES PLOP]
Hello. This is Beth.
WOMAN: Oh, hi.
Hi.
How are you tonight?
Like always, I guess.
Is that good?
You know when someone says something
annoying or even hurtful,
and you just suck it up,
and you go home and replay the moment in your head
and come up with a perfect comeback.
The exact thing you should have said.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHS] Well, that'’s my life.
A day late and a dollar short.
Hey, I think we all feel like that sometimes.
Yeah.
I feel like that all the time.
Besides, I don'’t think Oprah feels like that.
Or Jeff Zuckerberg.
Right?
Maybe not.
Not the "dollar short" part.
What do you even do with all that money?
Hmm.
Meanwhile, my husband got his hours cut.
That'’s rough.
Our daughter has special needs.
I'’m a full-time support system.
I can'’t even take a break, ever.
If I got sick, I...
What'’s gonna happen to her when I'’m gone?
I just...
Just...
I'’m sorry.
It'’s absolutely fine.
[SOBBING]
I don'’t usually do this.
It'’s okay. Don'’t worry about it.
Please let it all out. That'’s what I'’m here for.
[LINE CHIMES] Hello?
GIRL: Hello?
Hi there.
[LAUGHS] You sound old.
Oh, I'’m not so young, I guess.
You sound young, though.
I just turned 19.
Happy birthday. Thank you.
I hate birthdays.
Wait till you get to my age.
Yeah, that'’s not gonna happen.
Why do you say that?
I... It'’s--
Whatever. I just--
I'’ve never really had a good birthday,
except maybe three years ago, I guess, when I ran away.
That was like my birthday present to myself.
Where do you live now?
In a very cozy two-person tent.
I see.
Do you have a caseworker?
No, not anymore.
My, uh, boyfriend sort of had a falling out with him.
He'’s kind of an asshole.
How long have you two been together?
Since I left home.
Did you meet on the street?
Yeah, I, uh...
I left my hometown with another friend,
but they chickened out after like two nights.
So I ended up hooking up with these guys.
Uh, they had guitars and weed and a dog.
I loved that dog.
He, uh died a month ago.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Uh, Justin'’s not doing too great either.
Justin'’s your boyfriend?
For lack of a better word.
What'’s wrong with him?
I don'’t know. I...
Like, it'’s not COVID,
because he got that and it wasn'’t that bad.
But I... I think he might have hep or something.
Did he go to a doctor?
[LAUGHS] Yeah, no.
No. He, uh...
He gets really paranoid around doctors.
So I'’m not even gonna ask. He, like, flips out.
He'’s got major anger issues.
That'’s no good.
Yeah, I told you, he'’s-- He'’s a fucking asshole.
He thinks that I should make him money now.
What do you mean?
Like, he wants to be my fucking pimp.
Like, fuck that shit.
Where'’s Justin right now? I don'’t know.
He'’s probably out with his buddies somewhere.
Sounds like maybe you shouldn'’t be seeing this guy.
Yeah, no shit.
So?
So it'’s not that simple.
Why not?
It'’s just not.
Like, do you think that I want to be out here alone,
or that I can just get on some fucking homeless Tinder
and find myself a better dude?
Like, it'’s not like
I don'’t have my own issues too.
Okay, I'’m gonna give you a number for social services,
but I want to give you this guy'’s direct line.
He'’s the best.
Shit! What?
[MAN YELLING IN THE BACKGROUND]
I think he'’s back.
Yup, that'’s-- That'’s him. He'’s coming up the street.
I got to go. If he hears I'’m talking to you--
Can you write this number down first?
Fuck, he looks fucking wasted.
Here'’s the number.
Look, I'’m gonna call you back, okay?
Are you gonna be okay?
MAN: Fucking test me!
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
[SIRENS WAILING DISTANTLY]
[♪]
[NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
Hello, this is Beth.
MAN: Beth!
That your real name?
Actually, we aren'’t allowed to use real names.
Yeah, that'’s what I thought.
Call me Kratos then.
Call me fucking Solid Snake.
That might be a little awkward, don'’t you think?
Whatever.
Call me whatever you want.
You can call me Ellis. That'’s my real name.
How are you tonight, Ellis?
Great. Fantastic.
That'’s obviously why I'’m calling, right?
I suppose not.
Want to talk about it?
[ELLIS SIGHS]
You don'’t have to.
I'’ve just fucking had it.
I'’m so done with it.
With what?
Just the rejection.
The contempt.
From whom? Take a guess.
Women?
You think I'’m a freak, don'’t you?
I don'’t.
I wouldn'’t. Just met you.
I'’ve been dealing with this shit my whole life.
I understand. No. No, you don'’t.
You don'’t understand.
You can'’t because you'’re not wired that way.
Genetically programmed to need something you can'’t have.
It'’s like, I don'’t even know how to explain it.
It'’s fucked up.
You can'’t not need it.
Nature makes you need it.
Society, it tells you you must have it.
And then you'’re denied, rejected.
The only choice you have
is whether to hate yourself or hate them.
All the fucking guys,
whoever made you feel like a piece of shit,
all the girls who mocked you, avoided you,
looked right through you like you were nothing,
and threw themselves at those idiots
who just happened to have the right look,
the fucking jacket, the fucking car,
the fucking hair.
Of course, you always end up hating both,
yourself and them.
Well, maybe hate isn'’t the way.
Maybe-- You don'’t...
You don'’t think I'’ve tried the other way?
Samantha fucking Robinson. I would have bled for her.
I would have taken a bullet.
She made me watch.
She kissed that asshole right in front of me
knowing I was watching, knowing how I felt.
[CHUCKLES]
I had my revenge, though.
I found this porno.
The girl had the same exact body as her.
I deep-faked Samantha'’s face on it...
and I sent it to everyone.
She had to move to a different school.
[CHUCKLES]
You judge me yet?
Go ahead.
Tell me.
I don'’t like the action you described.
Yeah, well, it'’s not even the worst thing I'’ve done.
I made another film.
Pulled two hours worth of footage from CCTV cameras
all around the world.
Only the goriest shit.
Sick as fuck.
Splattered children.
I cut it together to Disney music.
I put it on 300 school websites.
[LAUGHS]
People went nuts.
Oh, man!
[LAUGHS]
I don'’t expect you to understand.
[DOGS BARK]
Maybe if you had to endure all the rejection I have,
you would get it.
If you were a man
who'’s not allowed to feel like a man,
you'’re too short, too soft, too chubby...
whatever society has deemed inadequate about you...
[BOLT TUMBLES]
...too little hair on your head,
too broke to buy nice clothes.
But you can'’t even imagine, can you?
What do you even look like?
What do I look like?
That'’s what I asked.
Just average.
That'’s not very informative.
What, are you shy?
I don'’t care if you'’re chubby.
I mean...
I'’m hideous.
I bet you'’re not.
I'’m sorry, I don'’t want to talk about that.
I thought the whole point of this line
was to talk to real people.
That'’s right.
So be real.
Can you even relate to anything that I'’m saying?
Sure.
I was a misfit.
I didn'’t have nice clothes.
Your family was broke?
Well, I wouldn'’t say broke, but struggling.
You had your assets, though.
You could trade on looks.
You were good-looking. I can tell from your voice.
You probably still are.
Am I right?
I'’m not comfortable talking about that.
Why?
Did I freak you out with the porn?
I...
I don'’t even watch porn anymore.
It'’s too freaking painful.
Oh, I'’ll-- I'’ll get them.
Sorry?
I'’m just tired.
I'’m going through life like this, and it'’s...
I'’m an evolutionary failure.
This unloved, unwanted piece of shit.
Okay, listen.
You can'’t think like that.
Okay?
I promise you,
you will feel differently at some point.
Can I ask you what you do for a living?
I work in IT.
I used to be a community analyst.
You know what that is?
I don'’t think so.
Basically, you sit at a computer
and you screen out all the sick shit people post.
I did it for about a year,
then they accused me of posting sick shit myself.
I guess they didn'’t get the joke.
So now I just fix network shit.
Okay.
Well, so... you'’re smart.
What'’s your point?
My point is,
that'’s a very big asset.
Now I think that the anger works against you,
but you can change that.
Backtrack. Say that first part again.
What do you mean? After "you'’re smart."
What-- What-- What was that you said?
I said that'’s very good. No, no, no.
That'’s not what you said.
Just say it like you said it before.
I don'’t understand.
Will you please just repeat
exactly what you said?
I think I said that'’s a very big asset.
Okay. Yeah, yes.
That was it.
Okay. Keep talking.
Well, I think that you'’re in a cloud right now,
but that cloud will pass.
Okay?
You have a nice voice. Thank you.
Can you keep talking?
What else can I tell you?
Well, what-- What...
What are you wearing right now?
Oh, sorry. I'’m not playing that game.
Just say that thing again.
I don'’t think so.
Okay, just... Just breathe then.
Please just breathe into the receiver for me--
Have a good night.
Yeah, you know what? Fuck you too--
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
[CALL CHIMES]
WOMAN: Hello?
Hello there. I'’m Beth.
I'’m mentally ill. Let'’s get that out of the way.
All right? I'’m mental.
So there you go.
I used to hate that word. Now I'’m like, "Fuck it."
Like, it'’s a cool word, you know?
"Mental." It'’s like, it'’s cool. It'’s like cigarettes.
When you say mental...
Borderline and bipolar psychotic episodes.
Mainly, I'’m just on edge, kind of like...
if you'’re alone in a dark parking structure
and you just have this feeling that you shouldn'’t be there.
Like, that something bad'’s about to happen?
It'’s like that.
I see. I have it right now.
I'’m at home, and I have a feeling
like I shouldn'’t be here.
I'’m probably talking too fast, right?
That'’s the other thing.
Words, they just roll out.
Are you taking medication?
Do you know anything about magnetrons?
What?
The thingies inside microwaves?
I just warmed up a plate and I left the spoon in,
and then the microwave, it got all sparky.
And I think I might have damaged the magnetron
because they have beryllium inside,
which if you inhale even a tiny spec,
like, you'’re done.
It'’s like weapon-grade shit.
I'’m afraid I don'’t know much about it.
I don'’t use the microwave very often.
Gas can be dangerous too, you know.
Slow leak, you won'’t even smell it.
That'’s true.
I'’m not taking anything.
Oh.
How come?
I lost my health insurance.
It'’s with the socks now.
I'’m sorry?
You know, when you lose a sock,
just one sock.
The other'’s still there, but one sock,
every six pairs or so it'’s just like
it always disappears, right?
It doesn'’t matter where you live.
Doesn'’t matter where you do your laundry.
There is a place socks just like to go.
I liked this guy once.
He was a comedian.
I thought he was funny, but then one day he bombed
and then he just never went on stage again.
How long ago--? He said he lost his mojo.
He became depressed
and he couldn'’t deal with my shit anymore.
And that was it. So he lost his mojo,
and I lost him.
I bet he'’s wearing my socks right now.
I bet he got fat.
I lost 10 pounds. I bet he found them.
When did you lose your insurance?
Six months ago. I don'’t know, maybe seven.
[SIGHS]
So are you not seeing a doctor?
Oh, yeah. I am, sure.
Whenever I go out,
there is probably a doctor somewhere.
I meant-- I'’m kidding!
[SCOFFS] No!
I was for a while,
but he moved out of state.
So no meds, no doctor,
no insurance.
Welcome to America, right?
I hear you.
I didn'’t much like him, to tell you the truth.
I can put you in touch with someone--
Uh-uh. Don'’t even, okay?
I'’m not in the fucking mood for that shit.
The last thing I need is to be sent to some shitty hospital
with shitty nurses who just look down on you.
You know, they don'’t help you.
All they do is fill forms and talk shit behind your back.
And then they bill you for it.
Yeah, I understand.
Well, maybe we can--
I feel weird. How so?
I feel like my bones have turned to snakes.
What do you mean?
I mean, I have snakes for bones.
Okay? They make my body, like, move funny.
I think I'’m just--
Uh, I think I'’m having an episode.
Knock, knock.
Who'’s there? I have no fucking idea.
Okay.
Listen, I'’ll stay on the phone.
Okay?
I'’ll be right here with you,
but I think that maybe we should call--
You know, I don'’t hear voices.
Everybody always asks that, you know?
No, I don'’t!
I see them.
You see them?
Like, your voice.
I can see it right now.
It'’s blue. It'’s got a little green in it.
And I can smell it too.
I can smell you through the phone.
You smell nice, like...
[SIGHS] You smell like a fluffy cloud.
[LAUGHS]
I mean, I got you there, didn'’t I?
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, you sure did.
Seriously, though, I can.
Do you believe me?
I...
I'’m confused now.
There you go! Do you get it?
Get what? That'’s how it works.
You don'’t know what to believe,
except that it'’s all in your own head.
Like you don'’t know when you can believe yourself.
But they do have medication for that.
I don'’t do well with meds, okay?
Okay. I can'’t moderate.
Either I don'’t take them,
or I just take the whole bottle.
So they'’re all shit anyways.
I mean, they don'’t work.
If they work, they make you lethargic.
You don'’t ever want to have sex again.
Drugs are a lie.
They just want you on drugs so you don'’t know anything.
You don'’t care about anything.
All the shit happening in the world.
COVID-19, killer hornets, computer viruses.
They spy on you and no one cares.
Secret prisons, child porn, killer clowns,
fucking ISIS, dioxins,
Epstein, ethnic cleansing, leaking implants,
honor killings, overbilling, toxic sludge, man on ledge.
No one cares!
No one cares.
Wow.
I'’m sorry.
Brian goes off like that sometimes.
Brian?
That'’s what I call my brain:
Brian.
Because it'’s scrambled.
I'’m not even talking right now.
Like, I'’m not the one talking.
Like, the thoughts, they have their own mind.
Like, they talk right through me.
I can read your thoughts.
I can read the fine print.
But the thoughts that come out of my mouth?
I don'’t know them until they'’re out.
Hmm. That must be really tough.
Yeah, well, I can'’t play society'’s game,
that'’s for sure.
I mean, whenever someone tries that shit on me,
Brian'’s just like, "Fuck you."
I will look into the horse'’s mouth, okay?
I will make mountains out of molehills,
and I will put all my eggs in one basket,
and I will teach grandmothers how to suck them.
I will catch a falling knife,
I will take that knife to the gunfight,
and I will cut my nose to spite my face.
How about that?
And I will cross that fucking bridge
before I get to it because that'’s how I roll, baby.
What?
I didn'’t say anything.
I can smell it.
Oh, I was just thinking.
You know you have a gift, right?
A gift?
I mean, you'’re...
You'’re kind of like a poet,
the way that your mind makes connections.
I don'’t know, I know you'’re maybe just imagining things,
but isn'’t that what poetry does?
Sort of looks at things sideways or differently?
I don'’t know.
I don'’t mean to romanticize it. I just, uh...
I just think you'’re talented.
I like rap.
You should write some lyrics.
Like a-- Like a song?
Like a song or a poem.
Whatever comes out.
Okay. I'’m gonna go now.
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
[♪]
[CALL CHIMES]
Hello. This is Beth.
MAN: Yeah, hi.
I'’m Ray.
Nice to meet you, Ray.
How are you tonight?
How am I?
Well, let'’s see.
Had a few drinks before I went to sleep.
Then I had a fucking nightmare.
So now, I'’m having another drink.
Want to talk about it?
What? The drink or the nightmare?
Either. Both.
No. I'’m drinking scotch
and the nightmare is a boot.
A boot?
Yeah.
Like a cowboy boot?
Military.
Are you in the Army?
Nah, Marines.
I was.
I don'’t like to call the vet lines,
if that'’s what you'’re about to suggest.
That'’s fine.
They just follow their scripts
and make you feel like you'’re talking
to what'’s her name?
The robot lady?
Siri?
That'’s right.
You'’re always welcome to call this line.
You sound like this officer I know.
She was tough.
Once she overheard a dude call her a Marine
and put him on latrine duty for a month.
She was cool with me, though.
Where was that?
Afghanistan, Hindu Kush.
Hmm, Hindu Kush.
Hindu Kush.
Baby, I dream of your...
Do you know what they call an Afghan
who owns a camel and a goat?
What?
Bisexual.
[LAUGHS]
I know. I know. That'’s racist.
What can I say? War zones ain'’t safe zones.
So...
what'’s up with the boot?
That was Iraq.
Iraq.
That'’s where I got messed up.
I was about three months in the first time I got shot.
What happened?
I don'’t really remember it.
I was in this house. Someone shot me.
I fell down the stairwell.
Ended up in the hospital, then back home.
Didn'’t feel like home, though.
How so?
It'’s funny.
You miss your bed so much...
and then you'’re in your bed
and it'’s dead quiet.
And you can'’t sleep for shit.
Try to explain that to the missus.
How much you miss sleeping
in a room full of dudes and guns.
So...
what about the boot?
Well, after I recovered, I got redeployed.
One night, we drove to this farm.
We were supposed to arrest two guys.
[INHALES AND SIGHS]
The whole place was booby-trapped.
Rodriguez got blown up.
Finally, we start clearing the buildings.
I'’m pretty jumpy.
When I see this guy
kind of come up to me out of nowhere,
I just squeezed the trigger.
It was a 40-year-old woman.
She had five children.
All at once, it was to be a Jedi.
I'’m sorry?
Sure, I mean, you know, have your country.
You know, yadda, yadda.
And you want the paycheck.
But honestly, I just wanted to learn stuff.
The secret stuff.
I wanted to be that guy in the bar.
The guy with the cool tattoos
and the cool stories.
[CHUCKLES]
Guess what I learned?
What'’s that?
I learned what bodies smell like
after they'’ve been in the sun three days.
I can look at someone on the street,
I know what they'’d look like dead.
What do you do with that knowledge?
I killed four guys.
One of them I can'’t...
I can'’t be sure.
So maybe just three.
I'’m sure they were combatants.
But then there was her.
They don'’t teach you how to live with that.
I'’m sorry.
I came back.
They had this big welcome party.
People buying me beers, calling me a hero.
No one ever mentioned her again.
The report cleared me. No further question.
Everything is forgiven except...
You sit alone at night.
Do you want to tell me about the boot?
Right.
Basically,
10 minutes after I killed her,
I stepped onto an IED.
I was lucky, I mean-- I mean, compared to many,
the bomb just took my foot clean off, boot and all.
No one could find it.
Jesus.
Didn'’t see that coming.
Yeah. Me neither.
Anyway, in the dream...
she brings me my boot.
Um...
I think I need some Advil.
Thanks for your time.
Wait.
Can I ask you a question?
Shoot.
If she'’s just bringing you your boot,
why is it a nightmare?
Because up to that point, I have both feet.
When she holds up the boot,
that'’s when I realize my foot is gone.
Oh.
You know...
modern people think that dreams are about things that happened.
The ancients, they thought the dreams
were about the future.
Like prophecies or advice.
What are you saying?
Well, I'’m no analyst,
but... a boot?
What about it?
It'’s like you'’re stuck there.
In your heart, you'’re still there.
Oh, shit.
Maybe she'’s telling you you can walk away.
You think so?
I do.
Hmm.
I'’m gonna have to think about that.
Good.
Maybe you should try to get some sleep.
Yeah. Good idea.
Good night then.
Good night.
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
[CLASSICAL GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING] [CHIMES CLANGING]
Here you go.
[CLASSICAL GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING CONTINUOUS]
[TURNS MUSIC OFF]
[NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
Hello, this is Beth.
Hello? This is Beth.
[WOMAN SIGHS OVER PHONE]
How are you tonight?
Take your time.
Whenever you'’re ready.
WOMAN: Okay.
I know this can be difficult.
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
WOMAN: And everybody just plays along.
They all see everyone else for what they are.
Wannabes, name-droppers, fucking...
the crevice dwellers.
But they all tell themselves they'’re different.
Well, I am-- I am done.
I had my last fucking humiliation.
I'’m sorry.
Oh! So get this.
So I audition for a student film.
That'’s right, auditioned for a student film.
And I didn'’t get it.
I don'’t even know how I lasted this long.
I hate them all so much.
Like the sharks and the liars
and the suckers who fall for them,
taking selfies on the red carpet.
It'’s so fucking desperate.
It'’s so thirsty.
To, like, sneak backstage into the VIP room,
that secret party where it will all finally happen.
Where some famous someone will discover them
and everything will change.
And the more the dream fades,
the more desperate they get to maintain the illusion,
to look good, to stay fit, to score the invitation,
to get the fucking likes,
and the whole town'’s in on it!
[NOTIFICATION CHIMES] Hello, this is Beth.
MAN: Angela?
Beth.
Where'’s Angela?
I don'’t know an Angela. [TOILET FLUSHES]
Did you ask for her at the switchboard?
Speak up, sweetie. I can'’t hear you.
When you called, did you ask for Angela?
Are you with Angela?
No, I'’m not with Angela.
Jesus Christ.
What the fuck are you wasting my time for?
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
Nice.
[NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
Hi.
MAN: Hello.
What do I call you?
Oh, sorry.
You can call me Beth.
You can call me Chris.
Nice to meet you, Chris.
You lay cops?
No.
Because a lot of people do these days.
Are you a cop?
Yeah. Sheriff.
It'’s what I'’m calling about.
We have psychologists.
I just don'’t want to be seen anywhere near them.
Word gets out you'’re seeing a psychologist,
and suddenly everyone thinks you'’re a basket case.
Hmm. I understand.
Do you want to talk about it?
Here'’s the deal.
Last year, I was involved in an incident.
I wasn'’t directly involved,
but I saw the whole thing.
I can'’t get into the details.
Suffice it to say, there was a review.
Final word was, the incident was in policy.
Officer issued a command,
suspect didn'’t comply.
Officer attempted to arrest the suspect.
Suspect resisted arrest.
Officer applied reasonable force.
The suspect was unintentionally injured...
and acquired a permanent disability.
Thing is, and I can'’t get into the details,
but, well, put it this way.
When this stuff happens,
you'’re not supposed to work out the story
with your other officers.
But, of course, we do talk.
We talk among ourselves.
We talk with legal counsel, and the union rep.
And that'’s how you end up with certain, uh...
adjustments to a story.
But what if I told you
the officer used the N-word?
What if I told you he'’s been doing it for years?
What if I told you he'’s in a fucking gang?
Do you know what I'’m talking about?
I think so.
What do you know?
Well, sheriffs have gangs, regulators, executioners,
grim reapers, a bunch more.
Whatever.
I mean, I'’m no snowflake.
The truth is,
we deal with maniacs every fucking day.
And sometimes you have a split second to decide
whether to use force.
If you don'’t use it, the bad guy might.
So shit happens.
There'’s no one in the world
that'’s gonna make the right decision
100 percent of the time.
No genius, no saint,
and certainly no judge or lawyer.
Shit is going to happen.
Period.
Sometimes it really didn'’t need to happen.
Sometimes it'’s just fucked up.
And how are you feeling about that?
Not great.
Pretty depressing.
It'’s an impossible situation.
How so?
I mean...
I can either say what I gotta say
and destroy another cop'’s life,
or I can keep my mouth shut
and let it eat away at me.
Either way, I'’m kind of fucked.
Yeah, but one way seems like the right way, don'’t you think?
I'’d be a snitch.
A traitor.
My family could be in danger.
[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH IN BACKGROUND]
CHRIS: No one! To myself.
WOMAN: Come to bed.
CHRIS: In a minute.
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
I gotta go.
Can I--? I don'’t think so.
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
[LINE CHIMES]
Hello.
This is Beth.
Hello?
WOMAN: How are you?
I'’m good. Thanks.
How are you?
Busy night?
They always are.
Is that right?
Pretty much.
In fact, it'’s busier than ever.
Hmm. More calls?
Yes.
How long have you been doing this?
A few years.
Mm-hmm.
What'’s your deal, if you don'’t mind my asking?
My deal?
Yeah. This is supposed to be a peer baseline, right?
What do you call it? A peer mentorship?
Yes.
Kind of like A.A.
[CHUCKLES]
Right.
So you'’re supposed to have
lived experience.
Right.
That'’s what I thought.
So, what'’s the experience?
Oh, well...
You need more time?
No, it'’s just...
It'’s unusual for me to be asked.
It feels a little like a job interview.
Maybe it is.
What do you mean?
I'’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
No.
I used to teach sociology.
We ask a lot of questions.
I see.
Well...
I'’m not supposed to go into personal details.
It'’s against policy.
I will tell you this.
I'’ve done my share of...
drinking and drugging.
And I'’ve been to jail.
Have you?
Unfortunately, yeah.
Not for a long time, but I have a rap sheet...
that would probably scare off a few neighbors
if they knew about it.
So now you'’re trying to share the wisdom?
Well, I don'’t know that I have much wisdom,
but something like that.
Is it hard?
I don'’t mean difficult, I mean...
Oh, you know-- You know what I mean.
Yes. Sometimes.
What'’s the hardest thing about it?
When the caller hangs up.
Not always, but sometimes you just...
wanted to keep talking.
And you can'’t call them back, so you just wonder,
"Did I upset them? Did I fail them?"
That they were already hurting.
Yes.
So it was already hard.
Yes.
Does it make you cry?
Sometimes.
But the fact is, I'’m just hearing their stories.
They'’re the ones living them.
So for me to cry, it feels like, I don'’t know,
a bit of a self-indulgence.
It isn'’t about me, I'’m...
I'’m just here to listen.
Does it work?
I hope so.
They either kill themselves or they don'’t.
That'’s not the only reason people call.
Oh. What else?
Anxiety.
Boredom.
Can'’t sleep.
Loneliness, of course.
Right.
It is amazing, isn'’t it,
how we crammed so many people into giant cities,
connected everyone to the entire planet,
and everyone is lonelier than ever?
What else?
Well, sometimes it'’s just to let me know
how they are if we spoke before.
And sometimes it'’s pranks.
Or we call them...
strokers.
Uh-oh, does that--
Does that mean what I think it means?
Yup.
[LAUGHING] You'’re serious?
People call a helpline to masturbate?
I'’m afraid so. Jesus!
It kind of makes you despair about the human race.
Well, that is not why I'’m calling.
Well, good.
Don'’t be so sure.
Are you gonna ask me?
Why I'’m calling?
I...
usually don'’t.
Why not?
It tends to come out on its own.
I may ask...
"How can I help?"
Uh-huh.
I was a professor.
They kicked me out.
What happened?
They said I was traumatizing the students.
Traumatizing them how?
By telling them the truth.
About? About their lives.
I'’m not a good liar.
I'’m not gonna tell them, "You'’ll be fine."
When the truth is,
the degree will not get them a job,
and they'’ll still be in debt 15 years from now,
and most of them won'’t be able to afford a house or a child.
And none of it matters anyway because the planet'’s fucked.
By the way, it'’s not like I said all that,
I just told them they will have problems,
problems that might not be solvable,
which is just a fact.
It'’s not like I want them to despair.
And then what happened?
Someone complains.
Dean calls me in,
he tells me it'’s wrong of me
to impose my politics on students.
My politics. You believe that shit?
He never liked me.
He had it for me from minute one.
So I told him to get the fuck off my back.
But he kept talking and I just...
I just snapped.
[CHUCKLES]
I punched him in the mouth
and ended up getting fired.
Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty bad timing.
My divorce had just been finalized.
Part of the reason I was at the end of my rope.
So here I am, twice discarded, unemployed and divorced.
No children, no savings.
No friends, really.
I don'’t have an urge to kill myself.
I'’m just looking at it objectively.
I...
understand how you feel.
Yeah, but it'’s not about feelings.
It'’s about a rational outlook.
Are you a religious person?
Not in the conventional sense.
[CHUCKLES] What does that mean?
Well...
I don'’t worship.
I don'’t take religion literally.
But I guess I embrace the mystery.
I find certitude boring.
That includes this certitude that God doesn'’t exist.
I used to believe in God.
Over the years, He just started to look so incompetent.
I mean, it'’s either incompetent or evil, right?
Allowing so much wrongness.
Except... Except what?
Well, isn'’t a universe in which wrong things can happen
the only possible moral universe?
Mm, you could reverse that.
Isn'’t a universe where wrong things are routine
fundamentally immoral?
Moral choice still exists.
No one chooses to suffer.
It'’s random and meaningless and fucking inevitable.
But isn'’t suffering just the other side of happiness?
Isn'’t loss just the other side of love?
You could say that loss
is the exact measure of love.
You could say that suffering makes happiness possible.
Or you could say it makes it a fraud.
Anyway, like I said,
I look at it as a practical question.
Sometimes, the energy required to live
simply exceeds the benefit.
The truth is, there is no rational argument
against ending your life.
I'’m not sure about that.
Come on. Think.
Why do religious people object to it?
They consider it a sin.
And yet they worship martyrs
because they believed real life comes after.
So Christians would dare Romans to kill them,
like suicide by cop on a mass scale,
Then they became the dominant religion.
And the priests realized
they better start condemning suicide,
or Christianity would become a giant death cult.
And they would all be expected to die...
Religious people-- ...horribly.
I'’m sorry, what?
Religious people aren'’t the only ones
who commit suicide.
Well, the secular argument just replaced sin with crime.
It'’s still a fallacy
because if you can be the victim
and the culprit at the same time,
the concept of crime doesn'’t make any sense.
The only way that taking your life
can be considered criminal or even unethical
is if one assumes that the life you'’re taking
is not actually yours.
It belongs to God, to the king, to society,
to your parents, your children,
the ones you'’re working for, responsible for.
But if I am not mine,
is there such a thing as I?
You know, in fact, that train of thought
just ends up validating suicide
because the only way to reclaim your life as yours
is to actually end it.
I don'’t necessarily want to reclaim anything.
I'’m just-- Just suggesting there'’s no rational argument
against killing yourself.
That'’s not an argument for it.
Yeah, you don'’t need an argument for it.
Just the realization that you don'’t want
to do this anymore.
You don'’t even know how to do it.
It happened over a long time, day by day,
without drums and trumpets.
The unhappiness just grabbed up on you
like a shadow ever so slowly
until every corner of your life was in the dark
and your whole lifestyle feeling like a--
Like a pantomime.
You play the part. Stick to the script.
You smile when you'’re smiled to.
But eventually, you can'’t help catching yourself.
This...
This person, this character, it'’s...
It'’s not you.
Never was.
Someone else wrote it.
You were just cast in the role
without even asking for it,
and the costume got stuck to your skin.
You just want to rip it off, the costume, the mask.
But underneath, there'’s just another mask
because the unhappiness is always ashamed of itself.
I understand.
Do you?
I think so.
So you agree?
I didn'’t say that.
Well, give me a reason.
Do you need one now?
What do you think?
I'’m sorry, let me ask this more directly.
Have you made a plan to commit suicide?
Oh, boy, did I ever.
Today? Why not?
Did you take any steps? Stop.
I know the drill. Let me save you the time.
I'’m not gonna call anyone else,
especially at a place that'’s gonna trace my call
and send someone here.
So let'’s just keep this hypothetical.
Maybe I did.
Maybe I didn'’t.
But if I did,
what would you tell me?
I would urge you to call-- I'’m asking you.
What reason would you give me?
Tick, tock.
I guess I would just say that...
Just say that everything means something.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, boy, everything means something.
No, that'’s a self-contradicting statement
because it doesn'’t actually mean anything.
I just mean whatever you care about,
a friend, a pet, that they--
I have neither.
Well, then...
politics, art.
Yoga. Food.
Whatever it is, it means something.
It'’s worth something.
Whether it'’s inherently worthy
or made worthy by your investment.
Your active caring, that could be debated.
The point is, if that thing has value, life does.
The earth will burst into flames.
Cities will turn to ashes or be swept away by oceans.
Civilization will tumble into darkness.
It'’s when, not if.
Well, you obviously care about that,
so that'’s one thing.
Mm, yeah, one thing I can do nothing about.
The entire human race has already committed suicide.
The poison is working its way through the system.
Some people just don'’t know it yet.
Maybe.
Maybe it is when, not if.
But isn'’t 2000 years better than 100?
To be honest, I'’m not sure.
You want to know a story?
Yeah.
There was this man.
Friend of a friend.
Um, his name was Tom.
He lived alone.
Apparently, he had developed a ritual.
When he felt down, he would fix himself a drink,
take out his revolver.
Then he would sip his drink
and think of all the reasons he had
to not kill himself.
For every reason he could think of,
he would take out a bullet until the drum was empty,
then go to bed and reload the gun in the morning.
And he did that for years...
until he ran out of reasons.
There is no free will.
It'’s just an illusion.
Every choice has already been made.
Everything we think, everything we feel,
everything we do is baked in.
We behave in the exact way we'’re meant to.
I know this sounds, um, dispiriting.
But the irony is that we are programmed to hate the idea
that we'’re programmed,
to preserve the illusion that we master our destiny,
that we earn our fortune,
that we can deserve happiness.
We master nothing.
Fortune is random.
All souls are happy, good people are miserable.
There'’s no rhyme. There'’s no reason.
There'’s no God'’s plan.
And there'’s no fucking escape
other than... you know.
Escape.
Can I ask your name?
Yeah.
Well?
Laura.
Nice to meet you, Laura.
[LAURA INHALES DEEPLY AND SIGHS]
Yeah, you too.
You asked what my deal was.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I did.
My answer was evasive.
How so?
It'’s weird.
Keeping a secret is a burden.
Being forced to talk about it is just as bad.
So I find the only freedom I can enjoy in the matter
is to sometimes volunteer the information
and sometimes withhold it.
The suspense builds.
My stepbrother committed suicide five years ago.
He was 25.
I didn'’t call him back that night.
He tried me a few times, but I just turned the phone off.
Did he used to call a lot?
There were periods when he would call every day.
It was pretty hard.
We had a difficult relationship.
And he was chronically depressed.
We grew up in a bad family environment.
The thing is,
my stepfather...
He, uh...
I understand.
Oh, it'’s more complicated than that.
You see, my stepbrother looked just like him.
He even sounded like him.
So when he grew up,
dealing with him brought everything back,
and not dealing with him was a relief.
So now you talk to other people
because you didn'’t take that call.
That'’s part of it.
Go on.
Well...
I struggled with depression myself.
If your own...
parent...
Uh, anyways, I fell into drugs
and fucked-up relationships and...
Then the guilt.
What I'’m trying to say is that I was there.
I had run out of reasons.
I didn'’t have a plan.
I was just gonna let it happen.
I don'’t know, I guess I thought I was bound to overdose,
or to drown, or to get run over by a truck.
I just didn'’t care.
And then one day,
I ran into this old man.
He was walking a dog.
He passed me by and I heard the dog barking,
and I realized the man had fallen.
So I helped him up and I walked him home.
He invited me inside and offered to make me a cup of tea,
and I said, "No, thanks," but he insisted.
His name was Jacob.
He'’s dead now.
He lived in this small house, and the house was stuffy.
I mean, typical old-man house, but it was extraordinary.
Books and paintings and strange objects from all over the world.
He had this framed emperor scorpion from Africa,
hand-blown glass from Venice,
an ancient chess set from Russia.
The man had been everywhere,
first with the Navy,
then with the Merchant Marine.
Anyways, he started telling me all of these amazing stories,
and the next day I came back to hear more stories.
And after a while,
I realized I had a reason.
And then...
I just kept finding more.
"Beth," you said.
Yes?
Yes.
Short for Elizabeth, I suppose.
Sure.
You don'’t sound sure.
It'’s actually not my real name.
Ah.
Why do you use a fake name?
It'’s mainly a privacy thing,
but also we'’re supposed to keep the job separate.
If I do this under a different name,
it'’s supposed to help.
Does it?
Not really.
So, what keeps you coming back?
I suppose...
when I'’m on a shift, I'’m focused.
I'’m not multitasking.
I'’m not going through my to-do list.
I am 100 percent focused
on the person that I'’m speaking to.
And...
I don'’t know.
I care.
I can see that.
You know something?
What'’s that?
I have a feeling you would be very good at this.
[LAUGHS]
That might be the funniest thing I ever heard.
I mean it. You'’re serious?
You think I should be hosting the Lonely Hearts Club?
Well, I don'’t call it that, but yeah.
It'’s a pretty interesting club.
All kinds of people.
Loneliness is a big slut.
[CHUCKLES]
Yes.
I think I'’m gonna steal that.
Be my guest.
It'’s Maggie, by the way.
Oh.
I kind of liked "Beth."
I know. Me too, right?
Well, this has been an interesting talk.
Good night, Maggie.
Wait.
No. Not tonight.
[LAUGHS]
Shit, I'’d probably botch it now.
Nothing more pathetic than a failed suicide attempt.
And then having to tell yourself,
"Don'’t give up, try again."
[LAUGHS]
I'’m joking.
Yes.
Okay. Good.
Good.
Well, call back if...
Well, anytime, really.
For anything.
Ask for Beth.
I might do that.
Good night, Beth.
Good night.
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[♪]
[CALL CHIMING]
[DISTANT POLICE SIRENS WAILING]
[CALL CHIMES]
WOMAN: Beth?
Yeah?
It'’s Sharon from earlier.
Yes. Hi, Sharon.
I wrote one.
A song, or a poem, or whatever.
Right.
It'’s not finished, but, um...
I just wanted to get to you before your shift ends.
Is that okay?
Sure.
You ready?
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hmm.
Here it is.
Illusion, delusion.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Illusion, delusion, confusion
Draw your freaking conclusion
They feed you conspiracies They prey on your miseries
They rewrite history Make their crimes mysteries
The secret keepers The promise breakers
The fake believers The silent takers
They call your fight treason They call their lives reason
It'’s all a mind prison Can'’t trust your own eyes
Can'’t tell truth from lies Chemtrails in the sky
Crisis actors on site Their smiles, more lies
Their knives in disguise
Another day dies Another night cries
All you got is your rage All you got is this song
All you got is a cage Because all you got is a bomb
All you are is alone Because your head is all wrong
But your heart is still strong And the light is still on
No one has very long So keep on writing this song.
So that'’s as far as I got. I don'’t know.
Yeah, I don'’t know. Maybe it'’s finished.
It'’s...
It'’s amazing.
You think so?
I really do.
Thank you.
All right, I'’ll let you go now.
No, I can stay. It'’s no problem.
No, no, no, no. You got-- You got better things to do.
Have a great day.
You too. [LINE DISCONNECTS]
[FAINT TRAFFIC]
[DOG WHINES] I know, I know.
[BIRDS TWEETING]
Hey, good morning.
I didn'’t wake you, did I?
Yeah, I know.
I know you wake up early. That'’s why I...
Nothing.
I was just wondering if you wanted to get breakfast,
maybe at that place that you mentioned?
What was it called?
Oh. No, no, no. No problem.
It was just a spur-of-the-moment thing.
I understand.
No worries.
Yes, absolutely.
Some other time.
You too.
Bye-bye.
[SIGHS SOFTLY]
[♪]
[DOG WHIMPERS]
Okay.
[♪]
♪ One direction Looks like clear blue sky ♪
♪ The other direction Is gray sky ♪
♪ One direction Looks like clear blue sky ♪
♪ The other direction Is gray sky ♪
♪ One direction Looks like clear blue sky ♪
♪ The other direction Is gray sky ♪
♪ One direction Looks like clear blue sky ♪
♪ The other direction Is gray sky ♪
♪ One direction Looks like clear blue sky ♪
♪ The other direction Is gray sky ♪
♪ One direction Looks like clear blue sky ♪
♪ The other direction Is gray sky ♪
♪ One direction Looks like clear blue sky ♪
♪ The other direction Is gray sky ♪
♪ One direction Looks like clear blue sky ♪
♪ The other direction Is gray sky ♪
[OVERLAPPING VOICES]
♪ Everything, everything Everything, everything ♪
♪ Everything, everything Everything ♪
♪ Everything looks Kind of okay ♪
[♪]