Cheater, cheater, cheater Cheater, cheater bitch
Cheater, cheater bitch, cheater...
What's that?
Summer's making TikToks now, calling me out.
Cheater, cheater bitch Cheater, cheater, cheater bitch
It's been a week of this shit.
I'm over it.
Hate to say it, song kind of slaps.
It's a total banger.
- It's got that... - Yeah.
Cheater, cheater, cheater Cheater, cheater bitch
- Cheater bitch-- - I can hear you guys.
Sorry.
How was dinner with your folks?
Great. I've been teaching my dad how to play Call of Duty.
We stayed up all night shit-talking twelve-year-olds.
- They're destroying you two, aren't they? - Yeah. They're assholes.
Also, you remember my army buddy, Jorge?
The guy I hid from?
He's coming back to town, and I'm actually gonna hang with him.
That's great. In the therapy biz, we'd say you're trending upward.
Thanks.
Still, I guess the best thing about all this,
I discovered sitting in the shower.
- I don't think I'm ever going back. - Tell me about it.
Until I got my shower stool, I don't think I'd ever washed my feet.
That's nasty.
Dad, you're oversharing again.
Why haven't you left?
Finally. Are we going?
No, wait. I gotta fill my water bottle again.
Okay, that's gonna take an hour.
I'm gonna start my hiking conversation now.
Charlie and I signed the paperwork. We've decided to adopt.
Yay!
- Hey! - Congratulations.
- Thank you. - How did you land on adoption
as opposed to just spotting a baby you like and having Liz steal it for you?
I would totally steal a baby.
We know.
So, this way, at parties I can get all emotional and be like,
"It's like our baby adopted us."
That's the best.
- Yeah. - You'd be good at that.
I'm just excited to see you with a dad bod.
So was I, but I lost a coin toss with Charlie
to see who gets to let themselves go and who has to stay shaved and ripped.
Guys, though, we can't get too excited,
because Stuart said it might take forever.
But I don't get it.
How did you navigate the Mebane deal without upsetting the partners?
You know, I just got in the sea about it and I figured it all out.
- Congrats. - Got in the sea about it? I like it.
That's my favorite way to solve problems.
Anyway, I...
You know, I just stopped by to talk shop with my mentor.
- That'd be me. - That guy.
And he also told me that you were gonna be here.
So I decided to put on my tightest pants
and remind you that the guy
who asked you out on your voicemail still exists.
- Okay. - Unfortunately,
I think I put on a couple of pounds
'cause these bad boys are cutting off the circulation to my gooch.
They are tight.
I'm gonna head out, peel myself out of these pants.
- See you later. - Bye.
- See you, Derrick. - Bye.
How do you let those two scoops just walk away?
What I'd do to that if I was a woman.
Good news, Derek, you don't have to be a woman.
- Grab a spoon. - What's the spoon for?
All right, listen up.
I'll admit, okay, I let that get away from me a bit.
After the stuff happened with my mom, D-Two did call to check in on her,
but I didn't answer because I felt bad that I didn't reach out first
- after I bailed on him. - Wow.
Plus, now I think I'm a little intimidated because if we do hook up,
then he would be, like, the hottest guy I've ever been with.
- Yeah. - Right.
One of the hottest.
No. The hottest by far.
Did you see that guy?
I am this close to throwing it all away for a threesome with the Dereks.
Well, thanks for including me.
Only if the other one's there.
Okay. Yes, he is very attractive,
but who's Gaby's second hottest?
- Keith? - Oh, my God! Keith.
- Keith was hot. - Keith. Yeah.
- He was crazy hot. - I still text him.
So, we have Derrick.
Then we have Keith coming in a hot second.
- Yeah. - Then we have...
Jimmy.
- Joey. - Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God. - Joey who lives in his van? Joey?
- Yeah. - Yeah, a cool van.
And he had a big ol' dick.
Can't beat that.
- No. - Fuck Joey.
Are you okay, boo? I mean, I'll put you in fourth.
I'm fucking third, and you all know it.
Let's go hiking.
Cheater, cheater, cheater Cheater, cheater bitch
Cheater, cheater bitch, cheater--
Summer's talented.
I know. It's so catchy.
- Yeah. - I know you're seeing Alice later,
so I just thought you should know what she's dealing with.
Hello?
Come on in, Dan.
Sorry, but where were you sitting?
Right there.
He can't handle the warm spot.
Then you two will have plenty to talk about.
Have a seat, Dan.
Stan's wedding is tomorrow.
He's my closest friend, but he'll be busy getting married,
and sitting alone at a table of strangers is my nightmare,
so I don't think I can do it.
Dan, you know how I'm always preaching about forward motion?
Forging this friendship with Stan is a huge breakthrough,
but I think maybe it also gave you the opportunity to stop.
Stopping can be forward motion.
Stopping can't be forward motion.
Look, big part of friendship is being there for each other.
Do you wanna show up for Stan or not?
Yeah. I'd love to be there for him.
Then you're going to that wedding.
I doubt it. I'm terrified and stubborn. It's a deadly combo.
Dan, I'm sorry, but in terms of patients, I'm on a fucking hot streak.
I might be undefeatable, which means you and I,
we gotta break through this wall.
In one session?
You're right, that's insane.
Okay. We're gonna spend the whole day together.
You and I are gonna kick this problem's ass. Starting now.
Shit. You know what? I have another patient scheduled for later,
and I'm supposed to get my teeth cleaned.
All right, I need to make some phone calls
and then we're gonna kick ass. Starting now.
It's your own warm spot, Dan. You're fine.
Thanks for bringing me coffee again.
Even though I do have class in five minutes, so...
- That's okay. - Yeah.
I was gonna tell you all about myself, but I'll condense it.
Please do.
I'm from Massachusetts.
Allergic to penicillin.
I love anything Alfredo, even though I'm not great with dairy.
I once met Craig from Craigslist. Terrible dude.
Wow, there's, like, two deal-breakers in there.
Which ones?
Well, definitely the Alfredo-making-you-shit-your-pants part.
Worth it.
Oh, shit.
- What? - It's Keisha. Don't look.
Wow. Yeah, she's coming. Is she a threat? Should we run?
No, she's here on a track scholarship. She'll catch us.
- Jesus. - Hey.
What's up?
My essay on family systems is due, like, right now.
Could you read it and give me notes?
Just to be clear,
you want me to read and fix it before you give it to me to read again?
Yes, please.
Ovaries of steel. I like it.
- Here. Give it to me. - Thank you.
Sorry. Once again.
It's okay, because now I'm gonna use your guilt
to make you go on a real date with me later.
- Really? - I'll go out with you right now.
- Wait, what? - What?
You're always talking about self-care. I mean, this is self-care.
Also, I have it on good authority that her coochie is on lock.
And yours is open for business?
Inappropriate.
But, yeah. 24-7.
I'm not sure what your deal is, Keisha,
but you should probably patch things up with your dad.
Keisha, do not fuck with my game.
Derrick, let's do it. This afternoon.
- All right. - Wow.
Well, I had to. I needed to shoot my shot.
Excuse you.
Is this gonna affect my grade?
I'm gonna level with you, Keisha, probably.
Probably.
Okay, why would anyone wanna sit at a communal table?
This is classic exposure therapy, Dan.
Did you know that fear-inducing situations,
they activate this little cluster of neurons in your amygdala?
And exposure therapy can help silence those fear neurons.
- No way. - Yeah.
I didn't follow any of that.
You just trust me. It works.
I used to be afraid of spiders, for example, so I got this book on 'em.
I learned their weird little ways,
and eventually I got to the point I could catch one.
And now, if I see one of those weird little fuckers,
I look him dead in his eight little eyes and I say, "I'm the boss!"
- Cool. - Got the pancakes, huh?
I did. They're fucking insane.
Yeah. What about you?
Yeah. These are pancakes, and I got them.
- Yeah, it's fucking insane. - Yeah.
Excuse me for one second.
- It's... - Hey, is everything okay?
Did you see the rainbow this morning?
Now that he's gone, we don't need to talk anymore, so...
- Little force field. - Hey.
I have to go take care of something at my daughter's school.
Thank God. This was a bad idea.
Hey. You sure you're cool being done here?
Look, I'm sorry I broke your hot streak.
Connor still hasn't called me since he went back to college.
Have you ever been ghosted by something you squeezed out of your hoo?
I have not.
Hey, come on by the microbrewery.
I wanna show you something.
I hope it's a list of synonyms for microbrewery.
So pretentious.
- Good pretentious? - Maybe.
See you later.
Paul. Hi. Cool.
This is my friend Mac.
No, we don't need to do this. I'm heading in.
Okay.
- For me? - Yeah.
You gonna eat that?
This thing that I paid for and then brought over here to the table?
I don't know.
Hey, Paul... No way, you have a friend?
We're not putting labels on it.
I am Ray and we are in love.
Adorable.
I just wanted to let you know
that what you saw with Mac and me was perfectly innocent.
When you make a point to come inside and overexplain yourself,
then I definitely believe you.
Also, could you do me a solid and not mention this to Derek?
The plot thickens. There's a Derek.
I don't love him.
Listen, Mac and I are just old friends, and my husband doesn't like him.
I feel compelled to ask.
This Mac guy... Stupid name, by the way.
Agreed.
Is he married?
- No. - Does he listen to you?
Does he seem to give a shit about your problems?
Yes. That's friendship.
Yeah, sure.
- Ray, you're single. - Yes.
Do you hang out with attractive women, just so that they can be friends?
Yes, one.
See?
I keep waiting for her to make a mistake.
And then...
So, that's two votes for "Mac wants to fuck you."
Okay, Statler and Waldorf, you're both wrong.
No one wants to fuck me.
I mean, obviously people wanna fuck me, but you know what I meant.
How do you know her?
She almost shit in my desk once.
So, the fight started when Summer played the "cheater bitch" video
to the entire cafeteria.
- Okay. - Alice grabbed Summer's phone
and threw it into a bucket of ranch dressing.
Then there was screaming, and shoving, and...
I'm listening to you.
So, then there was screaming, and shoving,
and somehow Mrs. Pritchard, the art teacher,
was called a lonely, old skank...
- And went home, crying. - Right.
I'm calling it RanchGate, because I enjoy puns.
That's not really a pun.
Just putting "gate" at the end of something isn't a pun.
Anyway, go on.
Both Alice and Summer are suspended.
I mean, we haven't seen this type of violence since, well,
the last time you were here.
Which begs the question...
How are you and Alice doing?
I understand that you have father-daughter tattoos.
Yes, but they are in tasteful and in appropriate locations.
In appropriate.
I'm saying in, space, appropriate. Not inappropriate.
What I'm trying to articulate to you is that we are doing great.
Everything is back to normal.
Dad, who's this guy?
That's my patient, darling.
Who doesn't wanna be here because his issues stem from high school.
Everybody's issues stem from high school, Dan!
We're done here.
So, what did you need to talk to us about?
It's our prospective parent biography, isn't it?
I told you your title sounded like a Grindr profile.
"Two daddies looking for a third"? It worked before, it'll work again.
What even is Grindr? Wink.
- Did he say wink? - He said wink.
Anyway, great news.
It rarely happens this fast,
but your biography must've been fine, because a mother has chosen you.
Oh, my God. When?
She's being induced tomorrow. The baby will be yours by dinner.
- Holy shit. - I have a massage...
- That is so exciting. - ...that's too late to cancel.
So, obviously you're grounded until the suspension is over.
It was only for today.
This fucking school really knows how to teach a lesson, huh?
So, I'm not allowed to go anywhere until sunset?
No. You can go one place.
You can go talk to Summer.
Why would I do that?
I've tried to apologize to Summer so many times about Connor.
Sorry I'm not perfect. I've been fucking grieving.
What?
I've been where you are,
walking around thinking that nobody else's shit compares to mine.
But, kid, just because Mom died doesn't mean we get to go around
thinking that nobody else is dealing with stuff.
I mean, do you have any idea what else is going on in Summer's life?
Well, she told me she hasn't talked to her dad in a few years.
That must be hard.
And?
And...
she's been selling her mom's pills.
What else?
She said that Connor's the best thing that's happened to her in a while.
Fuck.
Solid dad work.
I'm on fire lately.
Thanks.
- It's so weird that you're still here. - Agreed.
- You hungry? I'm hungry. - I could eat.
- Look, a spider. - I'm the boss.
Huh?
- Can't believe you actually came. - I gotta be honest,
I didn't really believe you owned a microbrewery.
It's real. I've got a full kitchen staff and a bartender named Hector.
- Hector sounds fake. - Yeah. There's no Hector.
Also, I have no idea how to make beer.
Well, I assumed that. Yeah.
Still...
check this out.
Wow. What did you do?
Well, I mean, it doesn't make a ton of sense in a brewery, but...
Whatever. I'll just make a new beer and call it Hound Dog Ale or some shit.
Drunk people love dogs.
That is how I started fostering.
I got drunk on merlot and the next day decided to save every dog in the world.
Look, I can tell you're going through a rough time.
I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes.
You're so cool, and funny, and talented.
I mean, look at these photos.
You see the world in a way nobody else does.
I can't even tell you how much this means to me.
Lizzie, I'd do anything for you.
Sorry. I have to go. I can't do this.
Fuck.
For a third first date, biking is a pretty big swing,
but luckily, I have this supes cute biking outfit,
and I think it's fire.
Wow.
Wow as in, like, I look good,
or wow as in, I just got a lot of camel toe?
Wow as in, goddamn, you look good.
Well, then I think I just might...
keep this bad boy.
All right, please tell me we don't have to bike far.
Just, like, 200 yards to the park, you know?
We'll sit, have some wine,
talk about how much more we wanna bike but we never do.
I love almost exercising
- as an excuse to drink. - Yeah.
Well, what kind of wine did you--
Thank God you're home.
I'm sorry to interrupt what I can only assume is a camel toe intervention.
I knew it.
It was cute.
They wanna give us a baby, like, tomorrow, and I am losing my shit!
Charlie sent me out for supplies, but I don't know what a baby needs,
so I panicked and got 20 diapers and a tiny chicken costume.
That's cute. It's making my ovaries tingle.
That's either really good for me or really bad.
We weren't supposed to be paired this fast.
I've only read one baby book.
Started one baby book.
Fine, I bought a baby book.
Just get to the truth.
I don't even have a baby book!
- There we go. - There's no time to childproof the house,
buy a car seat, eat for two.
I want my nine months!
Why don't you just tell your husband you're not ready yet?
No, other Derrick. I went back and forth too much
when we started the whole baby thing.
You might not know this about me, but I flip flop a lot.
- I picked that up. - I don't flip flop that much.
Oh, my God. I'm flip flopping on flip flopping.
I promised Charlie that I was ready,
and now if I say that I'm not, he'll never trust me again.
He already thinks I have one foot out the baby door,
which, by the way,
we'll have to add to our house if the doggy door's too small.
Are baby doors even a thing?
- No. - No.
Please help me. I am begging you.
Brian, have a seat, okay?
Look, I know that this is hard and scary.
- Yeah. - But I promise you I will think about it,
while Derrick and I exercise for ten seconds and then get super drunk.
- Oh, no. - Yeah.
No, it's okay.
How about this? You call Charlie and everyone you trust,
we'll get in the sea about it, and we'll figure it out.
- Okay. - Yeah?
Yeah, that sounds great. I like that. Let's do that.
- All right. I'll get you some water. - Thank you. I'm so thirsty.
How did he know?
I like him.
He makes me simultaneously feel calm and horny.
Me too.
And if I don't get to fuck him tonight, I'ma murder you.
- Okay. - Okay?
- I understand. - Okay.
I get what you're saying,
but I thought you were excited about seeing Jorge.
I was, but that was because he was the only guy in our squad
who was always in a good place,
and now he wants to see me 'cause he's fucking struggling.
Well, people struggle.
I know, but what advice can I give him?
Get kicked out of your place? Move in with your shrink?
I mean, I am the last guy he should be leaning on.
I wouldn't lead with any of that stuff.
But, Dan, maybe you could tell Sean
what made it easier for you to open up to me.
Is it because he looks like a sad oak tree?
Say what you want, Paul, but just this morning,
a woman told me I was one of the five hottest guys she'd ever been with.
So, fifth?
Fourth. Suck it.
Anyways. Dan.
Well,
honestly, I think I started opening up the day you said you were...
you were lonely too.
Guess I wanted a therapist as screwed up as I was.
If that's the case, bull's-eye.
But you're right, fucked-up people are good at helping fucked-up people.
I mean, look at us.
What do you say?
Oh, shit.
- Hey, Brian. What's up? - Thank God you picked up.
I thought you'd have work or something boring.
Jimmy, listen, you have no idea...
We all know he's gonna go on for a while before I have to say anything, so...
Sorry. Sean, continue.
Fuck it. I'll do it. I'll see him.
Thanks, Jimmy's-other-patient.
Didn't I see you this morning?
Are you okay?
- Is he holding you against your will? - Yes.
No, Dan, you want to be here.
- I changed my mind. - No, you did not.
Paul, he did not.
I'll get you a list of other therapists.
It's nothing personal. I do it for all of Jimmy's patients.
I gotta go see Alice.
Are you even listening to a word I'm saying?
- Oh, shit. - I will start over. I swear to God.
Brian, of course I'm listening to you.
Thanks for agreeing to talk to me.
I'm suspended, I have nothing better to do.
Did your dad lose his shit?
Well, he grounded me for three whole hours.
How'd your mom take it?
She got kicked out of Casino Morongo last night,
so I think this is pretty low on her priority list.
- Damn. - Yeah.
- What'd she do? - She put the dice in her mouth again.
This is all my fault.
I fucked you over, and you really didn't deserve it.
I mean, everybody bailed on me when Mom died but you stuck by me,
and I've been so fucking selfish,
and I haven't thought about all of the shit that you've been dealing with.
It won't happen again. Promise.
Thanks.
I love you.
What are you gonna do about Connor?
Okay. So, fall break I'm gonna kiss him
and then I'm gonna cry, and I'm gonna say, "That was a mistake."
And then during his midterms, I'm gonna soft launch a boyfriend.
- Oh, shit. - Yeah. Like, at dinner,
with the guy hand, you know?
And then I'm gonna get back with him on Thanksgiving,
but I'm gonna say I'm too full to hook up.
I am loving this revenge arc for you.
Ch-Cheater, cheater, cheater bitch.
Cheater, cheater, cheater, cheater biatch.
Hey.
How do I keep running into you?
Alice couldn't make it.
She's with Summer, so I told her I'd let you know.
Why didn't you just call?
Well...
Oh, God, no.
Relax. I know the rules.
Tropical. The good shit.
- Thanks for coming, everyone. - Yeah.
I still fricking can't believe that by "get in the sea"
you meant get in the sea. I thought it was, like,
a metaphor where he was like, "Oh, no."
Like, "Our profits are down," like, "Let's get in the sea on it."
Nope.
The ocean is a magical place. It helps you see things clearly.
Well, still not the worst fucking date I had.
- Hey, Jimmy? What the fuck are you doing? - Yeah.
I'm still not supposed to get my tattoo wet.
Bri, I'm freezing my titties off. Is this working? You getting any clarity?
Yeah.
I don't think Jimmy should've gotten a tattoo. It's stupid on him.
It's really bad, Jimmy.
Also, I can't handle a kid right now,
but I know that it could be ages before we get another chance.
So, like... So we just say yes, ready or not?
Question.
Brian, right?
Yes, Jimmy's patient.
This has all been about how you feel,
which reminds me of when I hang out with my pal, Stan.
Everyone's checking on him and his feelings, but never mine.
So as a guy who is also overlooked,
did anyone ever ask your husband how he feels?
I'm terrified.
What? You're terrified? Why didn't you say something?
I feel like I have to be the brave one, even though I'm just as scared as you.
But I want the nine months.
I wanna get the call to the hospital and have a cute, little backpack.
Too cold for a speech, Charlie!
Babe, I love you.
We shouldn't have a baby until the time is right for both of us.
- Really? - Really.
We're not having a baby!
You ever gonna talk?
Mac kissed me.
Who could've seen that coming?
Full disclosure, I should say that...
we kissed each other.
What the fuck? Why are you laughing?
Life, I guess.
I just recently had to face my own infidelity,
20 years after the fact.
How'd that go?
We're friends again
which means I have to talk to her on the phone every week, so...
not good.
How do I fix this?
Easy. Time machine.
I just keep trying to figure out why I did this.
- This isn't ab-- - It doesn't matter.
There are a million reasons why, and I've heard 'em all.
Feeling neglected, lost, lacking purpose,
empty nest, big birthday coming up.
I don't have birthdays anymore.
That must be nice.
What am I supposed to do now?
Well, you can bury it,
try and live with the guilt,
hope that it motivates you to become a better partner.
But in my experience,
most people end up tortured by what they did forever and ever.
Or?
Or you could come clean, face the repercussions,
and hope that that motivates you to become a stronger couple.
But in my experience,
most people end up tortured by the guilt forever and ever.
Well, there's gotta be a third choice.
Well, I hear they're very close to space travel.
- What would you do? - Oh, Liz. I...
Come on. Please, tell me.
Secrets have a way of getting out.
There's not a secret that I ever kept
that I didn't wish I'd told the fucking person.
These are disgusting.
Give 'em back.
Wow, another weird almost-date,
except this time I'm dressed like a ashy beach hippie.
I'm gonna kiss you.
You know it's just, like...
- It's better if you just do it. - Damn it.
Please tell me I didn't mess this up.
Look, I knew I shouldn't have taken you to, like, the sea.
That was, like, so...
Yep.
Do you wanna get in my sea?
Sorry. I don't know why I said that.
Just erase that from your mind.
But I really like you, Derrick.
Same. Like, a lot.
Help me find a reason to not fuck you immediately,
because I wanna just kind of do this...
- Right. - ...whole thing right.
- Can't think of anything. Let's go do it. - Sir.
- Yeah. All right. - Please. I almost did it.
- I almost sprinted up there. - I know. Okay.
- All right, jokes aside. - Yeah.
We can't because for one,
I am covered in sand.
As am I, yeah. And that would just be
- just painful, awful. - Yeah.
This is okay, right?
Of course. I'm gonna go see Keisha anyway, so...
You crazy.
All right. Well, good night.
Night.
Thanks.
I wanted to talk to you guys about something.
Summer and I made up today, which was great,
but she said the thing that hurt her the most
was the fact that I hadn't been honest with her,
and I just think we should tell my dad that we've been talking to you, Louis.
- I think it's the right thing to do. - I agree.
I do too.
But I'm just wondering if there's any way
you can be strong and brave and tell Jimmy,
and I can sort of not be mentioned, or be part of it at all, in any way.
- I don't think you wanna be that guy. - Boo.
So, we're going with me also being strong and brave?
Got it. Great.
You think scarf lady's still here?
I mean, it's been seven hours.
Yeah, you're right. Oh, by the way,
that Derrick dude was the most handsome man I've ever seen.
Yeah, one of the most handsome.
No. Like, the most handsome man.
Today was a fun day.
Even if we didn't kick anything's ass.
Dan, think about all the stuff you did today.
You went to a high school, you talked to strangers,
you got undressed and got in the ocean
around a bunch of people you'd never even met before.
And yes, at first I had to prod you to get you to talk,
but by the end, you were out there, doggy paddling,
dropping truth bombs in your tighty-whities.
Those were boxers.
Well, they're snug, but they look great.
Yeah, I think the scariest part
was hanging out one-on-one for ten minutes with that terrifying teenage girl.
She was batshit.
- Again, that's my daughter. - Nice kid.
But, yeah, if you can handle her,
you can handle Stan's wedding.
This means your hot streak's still going, right?
Fuck yeah, it is.
- You want a hug? - Not ever.
And then, you know, I stopped and left.
It was so stupid.
I know you must be so hurt.
Please, say something.
How long was the kiss?
What?
How long was it?
I'll do Cincinnati, and you tell me to stop.
You know, like one Cincinnati, two Cincinnati.
- It's Mississippi. - I do Cincinnati.
Okay.
One Cincinnati.
Are you fucking kidding me?
- Two Cincinnat-- - Stop.
So it was two Cincinnatis.
No. It was, like, one Cincinnati and a Cincinnat.
Liz...
I support you in everything you do.
You signed us up to foster dogs,
you basically adopted our neighbor's child.
You make jokes about me. Who cares? They bounce off.
You know why?
No.
Because deep down, I thought we were so solid.
We are.
I don't ask you for much.
Ever.
You knew how I felt about that fucking guy,
and you did this anyway.
Wait. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean for this to happen.
I wanna figure it out.
We can figure this out.
Look, at least I told you.
Isn't that better that I told you, than you find out on your own?
Right?
Gotta give me one.
Hey, crush it at that wedding.
Thanks, Jimmy.
Fuck.