1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,586 Hands up where I can see 'em! 2 00:00:02,586 --> 00:00:04,421 ♪ 3 00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:06,006 Good gravy, it's Harriet Tubman! 4 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,007 The inventor of the... tub? 5 00:00:08,007 --> 00:00:10,552 How did these dumb asses enslave us? 6 00:00:10,552 --> 00:00:12,095 ♪ 7 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:13,347 Roll it! 8 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:16,225 - I'm Kublai Khan. - Amelia Earhart. 9 00:00:16,225 --> 00:00:17,309 The Romanovs! 10 00:00:17,309 --> 00:00:18,810 SIGMUND FREUD: I am Sigmund Freud. 11 00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,729 Join me for my Masturbate. 12 00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:22,731 Masterclass. What? 13 00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:26,151 - Who are you? - Some call me Jesus Christ, son of God. 14 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,694 Some call him broke and corny. 15 00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:29,905 ♪ 16 00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:30,739 Oh, hello! 17 00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:34,493 Okay, that's actually crazy. 18 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:38,664 Mwah! [cheering] 19 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:43,502 Noah, you were supposed to get two of every animal. 20 00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:45,212 I got two Chihuahuas. Two pugs. 21 00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,381 I got three pugs. Don't tell God. 22 00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:50,300 ♪ 23 00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:57,558 MEL BROOKS: Hello. I'm American treasure Mel Brooks. 24 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,935 To some of you, I'm a hero. 25 00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:02,688 To others, merely a legend. 26 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:05,232 Over 40 years ago, I wrote and directed 27 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,484 History of the World, Part I, 28 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:09,570 a sketch comedy movie that showed 29 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,613 the real side of history. 30 00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:14,825 I also starred in it. Maybe a mistake. 31 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,870 So when I was approached by somebody named Hulu 32 00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:20,664 to make a sequel, I had two conditions. 33 00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:22,833 One, they had to make me look 34 00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:26,128 exactly how I did in 1981. 35 00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:29,256 And here I am. Exactly what I looked like. 36 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:31,675 Who knew there were muscles here? 37 00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:35,971 Anyway, my other stipulation was all original material. 38 00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:39,224 Nothing from Part I, no repeats. 39 00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:41,226 So, without further ado, 40 00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:42,853 I present to you... 41 00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:45,814 History of the World, Part II! 42 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:48,817 Hey, guys! Look at me! I'm swole. 43 00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:52,779 ♪ triumphant brass music ♪ 44 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,951 History of the World, Part II! 45 00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:05,876 ♪ theme ends ♪ 46 00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:07,419 The Civil War. 47 00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:09,338 ♪ 48 00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:11,006 [distant cannon fire] 49 00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:13,800 The Civil War was in its final days. 50 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,762 We're talking about the one in the 1860s, 51 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:19,389 not the one coming up in 2024. 52 00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:20,724 [cannon blast] 53 00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:25,395 The South was on its last legs as the Union Army closed in, 54 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:30,859 and at the head of that army was the lushly bearded Ulysses S. Grant. 55 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,196 Who was also a bit of a lush. 56 00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:36,740 - General Grant. - [chuckling] Hi, Pam, how are ya? 57 00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:38,116 Big win out there. 58 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:40,160 What is going through your mind right now? [sighs] 59 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,746 Well, we lost 4,000 men out there. They're dead. 60 00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:45,582 But we did kill 6,000 of their guys, 61 00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,251 but a lot of their guys were related to our guys, 62 00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:48,877 so it's a lot of mixed emotions right now, Pam. 63 00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:50,879 They say the war is almost over. 64 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:53,841 If the North wins, will you go to Disneyland? 65 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:56,468 Well, that depends, do they have a bar? [laughs] JK. 66 00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:59,179 I'll hang you both if you dump that on me. 67 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,223 Great to see you, Pam. Take care. 68 00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:03,725 SOLDIER 1: Please don't take my arm, sir. I'm a drummer. 69 00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,269 Can I get a dull saw? 70 00:03:05,269 --> 00:03:06,645 SOLDIER 2: Tell me, doc, will it hurt? 71 00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:08,814 DOCTOR: When we amputate your head? Yeah. [slow fiddle playing] 72 00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:10,732 SOLDIER 3: Play Devil Went Down to Georgia! 73 00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:13,694 SOLDIER 4: We don't have the rights! SOLDIER 3: Just do a sound alike! 74 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,613 ♪ lively fiddling ♪ 75 00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,991 Hold on, everyone. Daddy's comin'. 76 00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:20,868 Daddy's home. Come to Papa. 77 00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:24,371 - SOLDIER 5: Sir! - [spits] What is it?! 78 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:27,124 President Lincoln is in your quarters, sir! 79 00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:30,586 I know! Dismissed. [distant explosion] 80 00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:31,587 [sighs] 81 00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:33,714 Fuck! 82 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:36,800 ♪ gentle music ♪ 83 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,052 [fire crackling] 84 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,554 [static] 85 00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:45,267 - Mr. President. - Oh, there he is! 86 00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,477 H-h-hey-- Oh! [clang] 87 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,688 Stephen Douglas' dick hole! 88 00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,398 - [groans] - Are you okay, sir? 89 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:52,649 Yes, I'm fine. 90 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:55,068 - Have a seat, Ulysses, have a seat. - Alright. 91 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,070 [sighs] Oh. [horse whinnies outside] 92 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,530 Mr. President, you look exhausted. 93 00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:00,866 This war has taken a toll on you, sir. 94 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:03,368 It's not the war. It's my height. 95 00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:04,661 I mean, look at me! 96 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,455 They don't make things for a big boy like me! 97 00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:07,748 I mean-- [grunts] 98 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,416 Look at these pants, Ulysses. 99 00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:12,336 Look at that! They're basically capris. 100 00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:14,880 I'm a big boy! I need big boy pants! 101 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,590 I will say they look kind of fun, 102 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,717 somethin' you could wear at a summer party, maybe. 103 00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:19,718 Look, anyways. 104 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,846 I have heard some grumblings 105 00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:25,933 and that your imbibing has gotten a bit out of control. 106 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,976 - My imbibing? Who told you that? - Mm-hmm. 107 00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:30,604 Was it Sheridan? Because he's addicted to laudanum. 108 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,397 Look, I don't drink a lot, you know? 109 00:04:32,397 --> 00:04:34,358 Like, maybe, like, a little bit, like, on a holiday or some-- 110 00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:35,901 [flask clanking] 111 00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:39,154 [sighs] 112 00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:43,617 I believe today is what the Hebrews call Pesach, sir. 113 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:47,704 No more alcohol until the war is over! 114 00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:49,748 Do you understand me, Ulysses? 115 00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:51,333 [roars] 116 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:52,668 [spits, sighs] 117 00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:54,837 Yeah, sure, fine. I don't need a drink. [clatters] 118 00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:56,255 - [sighs] - Good. 119 00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:58,632 Alright, there is one more thing that I need to talk to you about. 120 00:04:58,632 --> 00:04:59,967 It's about my son, Robert Todd. 121 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,176 Your son. 122 00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:04,471 He has been begging me to enlist, and now that the war 123 00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:07,891 is nearly over, I feel like this is the perfect time to just... 124 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,810 - get him in there. - Once all the regular fighters have... 125 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,353 - Yes, yes, abs-- - ...given their lives 126 00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:14,022 and bled and lost their legs, now you wanna sneak in your little Harvard boy 127 00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:15,148 for a couple days on the course. 128 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,441 Yes! No, you understand! 129 00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:18,735 - Gotcha, gotcha, okay. - Absolutely. He's a good boy. 130 00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,153 You know, I want you to look after him. 131 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,531 Mr. President, I want you to know, 132 00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:23,782 I won't let the boy out of my sight. 133 00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,617 Oh, good, good, good. Robert Todd! [glass shattering] 134 00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:27,911 - Oh, Jesus! Good lord! - Goddammit! 135 00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,705 I have legs for arms! 136 00:05:30,289 --> 00:05:31,582 That was a gift from my wife. [clang] 137 00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:33,083 Ow! Goddammit! 138 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,334 RT! 139 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,086 ♪ 140 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,421 General Grant, sir! 141 00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:38,547 It is an honor, sir! 142 00:05:38,547 --> 00:05:41,550 I have been a huge fan my entire life! 143 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:44,678 - And how long is that, young man? - One score and two years. 144 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,889 That means 22 in our secret language. 145 00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:48,599 - Come on over here! Come over here. - Right. 146 00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:51,226 There's my big, strong boy. Watch this. 147 00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,644 I trained him well. Look at this. 148 00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,897 What do I have? You've trained for this. 149 00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:56,023 - What do I have? - My nose. 150 00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:58,400 Yes! Can you get it? Can you reattach it? 151 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,277 [horse whinnying] 152 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:02,654 First try. Good job, son. 153 00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:03,739 Seems like a great kid. 154 00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,741 He's in good hands, Mr. President. 155 00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:07,743 Alright. [sighs] 156 00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:10,204 ♪ somber music ♪ 157 00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,706 The Union state is in your hands, Ulysses. 158 00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:15,000 End this war. 159 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,502 Yes, Mr. President. 160 00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:18,045 [pats shoulder] [horse whinnying] 161 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:22,925 And I have every soldier in the entire state of Virginia 162 00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:26,345 on orders to deny you alcohol. Is that understood? 163 00:06:26,845 --> 00:06:28,222 [both growl] 164 00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:30,140 - Yes, sir. - Good. 165 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:33,310 [smack] Goddammit! 166 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,020 That is gonna be the worst thing 167 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:37,523 that's gonna happen to my head all year. 168 00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,609 - Thanks for comin' by, sir. - Good to see you. 169 00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,402 ♪ 170 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,862 General Grant, sir. 171 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:46,406 Would you do me the honor of regaling me 172 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,575 with your most horrifying war stories? 173 00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:52,246 I mean, I really wanna know what it's like to see the-the light 174 00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:54,373 drain out of a man's eye by your own hand. 175 00:06:54,373 --> 00:06:55,582 [click] General, no! 176 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,167 Ah! Damn it! 177 00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,253 Who drank all my gun whiskey?! 178 00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:01,797 [angry growl] Okay. 179 00:07:01,797 --> 00:07:03,465 Think, Ulysses, think. 180 00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:04,842 ♪ 181 00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:06,468 I have decided 182 00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,929 that you are ready to join me on a top-secret mission, 183 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,472 but I'm warning you right now. 184 00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:12,432 It's gonna be very, very whiskey. 185 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,393 Risky. Are you in? 186 00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,478 I will follow you to the gates of Hell, sir. 187 00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:18,730 It's worse than that, son. 188 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:19,982 We're goin' to West Virginia. 189 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,568 No... No... 190 00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:24,152 ♪ dramatic sting ♪ 191 00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:25,445 No! 192 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,947 [gong clanging] 193 00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:33,203 MEL: The Kama Sutra. 194 00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,330 ♪ sitar music ♪ 195 00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:37,875 Thank you for having me to, uh, pitch my new book idea. 196 00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:39,710 - Well, thank you for coming. We're big fans. - Ah. 197 00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:41,420 I'm a simple guy. [soft laugh] 198 00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:43,380 I like eating soup. I like having sex. 199 00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:45,966 If I'm not going "slurp, slurp, slurp," 200 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:46,967 I'm eating soup. 201 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,844 - [both laugh] - I like that. 202 00:07:48,844 --> 00:07:51,471 And so, this really brings my two passions together. 203 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:55,225 I have created hundreds of tasty soup recipes 204 00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:59,396 and paired them with the perfect corresponding sexual position. 205 00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:03,108 I call it Kama Souptra, From Soup to Nuts! 206 00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:05,444 BOTH: From soup to nuts! 207 00:08:05,444 --> 00:08:07,112 Oh, okay. Well, that's very clever. 208 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,364 Alright, here we go. First one. 209 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,202 Lamb stew, you know, paired with the simple missionary. 210 00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:15,454 It's warm. It's comforting. Everyone likes it. 211 00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:18,207 Now we're getting a little more fun. 212 00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:21,710 Leek soup. For obvious reasons, you're gonna need a tarp for this one. 213 00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:24,630 Ooh! Love this one. 214 00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:27,382 Summer gazpacho. That's when you and your lover share a chilled soup 215 00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:28,759 while fucking on a cold tile counter. 216 00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:30,844 Wait, that looks so much like your wife. 217 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,597 That is my wife! And that's my neighbor Prakash. 218 00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:34,640 - Oh. - Moving on. 219 00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,851 [gasps] Let me guess. That's chowder. 220 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,020 That's exactly right. And before you ask, 221 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:43,357 this position pairs just as well with New England or Manhattan chowder. 222 00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,900 ♪ sitar continues ♪ 223 00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:46,652 Spinach artichoke. It's vegan, 224 00:08:46,652 --> 00:08:48,403 pairs well with a nice light choking. 225 00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:50,989 See, I've always been a little reluctant to go there. 226 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:53,158 Oh yeah, people are afraid to go vegan, but it's very satisfying. 227 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:58,455 Ooh! Uh, this is a slow-cook recipe for a tantric mushroom and barley soup. 228 00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:01,500 For when you wanna take 12 hours to climax. 229 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:04,336 - Oh. What does that taste like? - Who does that? 230 00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:06,588 It tastes like your wife fucking the neighbor. 231 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,966 - Oh, Prakash. - Prakash. 232 00:09:08,966 --> 00:09:10,884 VATSYAYANA: Yeah, Prakash sucks. Anyways, 233 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,762 since we don't want this to be a tantric meeting, 234 00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:15,138 should I just fly through a bunch of 'em? 235 00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:16,390 [laughs] Keep it moving? 236 00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:17,391 Here we go. 237 00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:20,853 Egg drop soup. No muss, no fuss, for when you wanna make a baby. 238 00:09:20,853 --> 00:09:23,063 This is a simple recipe for tortellini, 239 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,898 the butthole of pastas. It's fun, 240 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,943 but you're gonna need some oil and good communication. 241 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,696 Italian wedding. That's when fuck your aunt 242 00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:33,073 while she yells at your cousin for not becoming a cop. 243 00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:34,825 Butternut squash! 244 00:09:34,825 --> 00:09:36,910 That's when she butters your nuts till you squash. 245 00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:40,163 I have many more. Should I keep going or... 246 00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,708 I don't think that's gonna be necessary. 247 00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:44,376 ♪ somber music ♪ 248 00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,670 Because we love it! [publishers laughing] 249 00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:48,338 - You do? - We just have one little note. 250 00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:49,673 - Yes. - Okay, 251 00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:52,134 we don't want the soup. We just want the sex positions. 252 00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:54,761 Okay, that's actually crazy 253 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,513 because the soup is what's gonna make this book 254 00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:57,723 a best seller for a thousand years. 255 00:09:57,723 --> 00:09:58,640 BOTH: Mm... 256 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,601 You know what? I am not a pornographer. 257 00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:02,728 I do not make art to get people off. 258 00:10:02,728 --> 00:10:05,105 I make art to get people off and fill their bellies 259 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,983 with a nice bowl of soup, stew, chowder, or bisque. 260 00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:10,319 If you don't get that, maybe this is not the place for me. 261 00:10:10,319 --> 00:10:11,987 PUBLISHER: Oh, oh... 262 00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:14,656 - So we're just gonna steal the idea, right? - Absolutely. 263 00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:16,575 ♪ sitar music concludes ♪ 264 00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:22,372 MEL: The Russian Revolution. 265 00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:24,249 ♪ Russian music, singing ♪ 266 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:26,251 Russia, 1918. 267 00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:28,921 The Romanov family clings to power 268 00:10:28,921 --> 00:10:31,465 as Vlad Lenin and the Bolsheviks 269 00:10:31,465 --> 00:10:33,383 lead the communist revolution. 270 00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:35,260 Meanwhile, in the countryside, 271 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:38,263 my people did what they had done for centuries. 272 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,224 Be poor Jews. 273 00:10:40,224 --> 00:10:43,519 - Real estate! Real estate! - Get your dream hut... 274 00:10:43,519 --> 00:10:46,480 BOTH: From Property Brothers Karamazov! 275 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,732 Bot seeds! Bot seeds! 276 00:10:48,732 --> 00:10:51,985 You can't have a Russian bot farm without bot seeds! 277 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,570 Serf-boards! 278 00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:55,739 Put your serf on a board! 279 00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:59,117 Mud pies! Get your mud pies! 280 00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:02,412 Get your mud pies from me, Schmuck Mudman! 281 00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:04,623 Made with the abject suffering 282 00:11:04,623 --> 00:11:07,376 and eczema of the Jewish diaspora. 283 00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:10,963 All you need to do is add war-der. [laughs] 284 00:11:10,963 --> 00:11:12,506 [goats bleat, chickens cluck] 285 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,424 Joshy, my sweet son, come, come help me 286 00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:17,261 with the family business! [annoyed groan] 287 00:11:17,261 --> 00:11:20,347 I don't care about the family business, Dad! 288 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,558 All I care about is falling in love, 289 00:11:22,558 --> 00:11:24,935 and I'll never meet the girl of my dreams 290 00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:27,354 if I'm selling... mud pies. 291 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,815 That's not true. I met your mother selling mud pies! 292 00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:31,942 Her father came in, bought one, 293 00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:35,445 got absolutely horrible food poisoning, and, as punishment, 294 00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,906 he made me marry his most difficult daur-der. 295 00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:39,575 I don't want an arranged marriage. 296 00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:40,701 I can arrange that. 297 00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:43,662 Joshy, don't you see that when you submit 298 00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:47,040 to a higher force, good things can happen? 299 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,959 It's all about submission. 300 00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,712 ♪ Fiddler on the Roof -style music ♪ 301 00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:55,382 ♪ Submission, submission! ♪ 302 00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,050 ♪ When you yield to a superior force ♪ 303 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,635 Hey, shut up! Sha! 304 00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:00,888 Sha! Stop the song. We need to talk. [song ends] 305 00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,472 Go inside now. 306 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,225 And so, the song has come to its natural conclusion. 307 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:08,145 Right behind you, my sour pickle. [chickens clucking] 308 00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:10,439 Bert, watch my mud pies. 309 00:12:10,439 --> 00:12:11,940 Sure. SCHMUCK: Thank you. 310 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,734 ♪ 311 00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:15,027 - Look! - Oh no! 312 00:12:15,027 --> 00:12:17,446 - Mets continue slump? - No! 313 00:12:17,446 --> 00:12:20,949 The idiot Tsar and his parasitic family have been executed. 314 00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:23,952 ♪ intense Russian music ♪ 315 00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:26,830 [cranking] 316 00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:29,166 Ugh. This is, like, really when I miss my servants. 317 00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:30,167 Okay. 318 00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:33,170 Hey, you guys! It's me, your girl, Princess Anastasia. 319 00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:35,756 For today's tutorial, I feel like I've been seeing a lot of comments 320 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:38,509 that you guys are like pretty downtrodden and like poor or whatever. 321 00:12:38,509 --> 00:12:40,135 So, I figured I would show you [coughing] 322 00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:41,720 how to de-contour your cheeks 323 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,805 so that your face can look like it has like food 324 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,516 [coughing continues] or like, I don't know, shelter. 325 00:12:45,516 --> 00:12:48,185 - MAN: Anastasia, your lunch is here! - You guys! 326 00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:50,062 You're being so loud right now! [coughing] 327 00:12:50,062 --> 00:12:51,980 I'm recording! 328 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,315 Ah, kids! 329 00:12:53,315 --> 00:12:54,858 Why the long faces? 330 00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:57,861 We are not inbred like the Hapsburgs. 331 00:12:57,861 --> 00:12:59,571 We are the Romanovs! 332 00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:02,241 We only sleep with beautiful relatives! 333 00:13:02,241 --> 00:13:04,368 Ew, Dad, boundaries. 334 00:13:04,368 --> 00:13:07,162 [sighs] How long is this revolution gonna last? 335 00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,122 I wanna go back to the Winter Palace. 336 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:12,125 This merchant's house is so last season. 337 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,629 It'll just be a matter of time before we are reinstated 338 00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,923 as the rightful rulers of Russia! 339 00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:20,592 The people love us, and what's not to love? 340 00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:23,011 With our leaky blood and weak bones? 341 00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:25,180 [coughing] 342 00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:27,933 Oh lord, the Prince is getting sicker. 343 00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:29,351 What else are we gonna do? 344 00:13:29,351 --> 00:13:33,105 We wrapped his scrotum in garlic bulbs, 345 00:13:33,105 --> 00:13:35,524 like our family doctor prescribed. 346 00:13:35,524 --> 00:13:38,277 Speaking of, where the devil is he? 347 00:13:38,277 --> 00:13:41,154 MAN'S VOICE [echoing]: Did someone say "the Devil"? 348 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,323 [farting] 349 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,908 Who farted? 350 00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:47,035 - [aroused]: Oh! - [aroused]: Yes... 351 00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:49,413 My dear Rasputin. 352 00:13:49,413 --> 00:13:53,709 The only mystic in Russia that I trust with my medical and political advice. 353 00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:55,377 NICHOLAS: Ah, Rasputin! 354 00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:57,212 I heard some noble stabbed you! 355 00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:58,422 A mere tickle. 356 00:13:58,422 --> 00:13:59,506 Rasputin. 357 00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:02,301 Our son Alexi's health declines, 358 00:14:02,301 --> 00:14:05,053 and we're in desperate need of your... 359 00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,513 healing powers. 360 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,806 Huh. 361 00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:10,058 Okay, up. 362 00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,603 [speaking Russian] 363 00:14:12,603 --> 00:14:13,562 Follow my hand. 364 00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:17,482 [Rasputin babbling] 365 00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:20,152 [Alexi shuddering] 366 00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:23,363 Okay. So, my diagnosis 367 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,407 is that your son's body 368 00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:27,951 is being haunted by Moldovan demons. 369 00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:29,661 - [Alexandra gasping] - Fucking Moldovan. 370 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:31,830 Anything else? 371 00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:33,165 That about covers it. 372 00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:34,708 I'm off! 373 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:37,753 Long live the Romanovs! [fart] 374 00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:40,672 Ew! Ras-P-U-tin! 375 00:14:40,672 --> 00:14:42,799 Who'da known he'd be my favorite Putin. 376 00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,426 [loud knocking] Ah! 377 00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,470 The White Army. 378 00:14:46,470 --> 00:14:48,222 It's about time. 379 00:14:48,222 --> 00:14:50,390 You've come to escort us to the Winter Palace? 380 00:14:51,308 --> 00:14:53,101 [gasps] Eeeee! 381 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,729 Just, like, really load it up. 382 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:58,440 [gunshots blasting] Go all along the natural-- 383 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:02,319 Guys! Can you please stop shooting out there? [scoffs] 384 00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:05,989 We're shooting in here. [scoffs] [guns shooting] 385 00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,616 Oh, my God, you guys! [projector whirring] 386 00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:09,785 You know what, one second. [opens door] 387 00:15:09,785 --> 00:15:11,245 [screams] Oh, my God. 388 00:15:11,245 --> 00:15:14,248 Okay, you guys, I'm like literally dead right now 389 00:15:14,248 --> 00:15:16,667 because my whole family is literally dead right now. 390 00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:18,585 I feel like I have to go into hiding. 391 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,255 So, um... Watch this space and follow along with my journey. 392 00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:22,256 Hashtag Last Romanov. 393 00:15:22,256 --> 00:15:24,716 But most importantly, before I go, please do not forget 394 00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:27,886 to use my code "Anastasia" for 10% off your next Putzmates order, 395 00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:29,847 you guys, okay? It's really important. Okay, I love you. 396 00:15:29,847 --> 00:15:31,557 War and Peace, bye! 397 00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:38,021 MEL: The Discovery of Fire. 398 00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:41,024 ♪ gentle music ♪ 399 00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:43,735 [birds chirping] 400 00:15:44,403 --> 00:15:45,279 [grunts] 401 00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:47,906 [cavewomen grunting] 402 00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,741 [laughing grunts] 403 00:15:49,741 --> 00:15:52,494 [excited grunting] 404 00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:58,333 [disappointed, explanatory grunting] 405 00:15:58,333 --> 00:15:59,459 [puffing] 406 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:03,213 [scoffs, explanatory grunting] 407 00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:05,549 [realizing grunts] 408 00:16:05,549 --> 00:16:08,302 ♪ 409 00:16:08,302 --> 00:16:09,761 [frustrated grunting] 410 00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:12,472 [screaming] 411 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,600 [disappointed grunting] 412 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,144 [realizing, explanatory grunting] 413 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,353 [interrupting grunting] 414 00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:19,813 [overlapping grunts] 415 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:22,816 [staccato grunts] 416 00:16:24,443 --> 00:16:26,904 [disapproving grunts] [frustrated grunts] 417 00:16:26,904 --> 00:16:28,280 [imitating grunts] Stephanie! 418 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,241 [mocking grunting] 419 00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:34,119 [grunting] 420 00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:37,122 ♪ epic music ♪ 421 00:16:37,122 --> 00:16:38,916 [annoyed grunting] 422 00:16:38,916 --> 00:16:40,292 [grunting gets louder] 423 00:16:40,292 --> 00:16:43,420 [yelling] 424 00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:45,756 [screaming] 425 00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,384 [sheepish grunt] [relieved grunt] 426 00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:52,429 [laughter] 427 00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:55,307 [cavewomen grunting] 428 00:16:55,307 --> 00:16:56,642 [confused grunts] 429 00:16:56,642 --> 00:17:00,270 ♪ psychedelic music ♪ 430 00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:02,731 CAVEWOMAN 1: Wait, now that I'm looking at that painting, 431 00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:04,399 I, like, really get it. 432 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:06,276 Wait, can I just say something? 433 00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:08,612 It is so funny they call us cave people. 434 00:17:08,612 --> 00:17:11,031 I've never been in a cave. CAVEWOMEN: Oh, me neither! Yeah, same! 435 00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:13,116 I don't even know where there is one! [laughs] 436 00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:16,245 Hey, do you guys ever feel like... like your life is a movie? 437 00:17:16,245 --> 00:17:18,121 More like a TV show. 438 00:17:18,121 --> 00:17:19,957 Oh, yeah. 439 00:17:19,957 --> 00:17:21,625 Look, there's a whole crew right there. 440 00:17:21,625 --> 00:17:23,168 You can see it in the reflection of my glasses. 441 00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:25,045 [cavewomen giggling] 442 00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:28,257 ♪ harpsichord music ♪ 443 00:17:28,257 --> 00:17:30,759 MEL: William Shakespeare. 444 00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:35,222 MAN: It's just dirty, murky trough water with a little bit of lemon. 445 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,766 And then I don't eat till... my first meal is lunch. 446 00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:38,767 [knocking] 447 00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:40,978 Hey, uh, is this the writer's room for Shakespeare? 448 00:17:40,978 --> 00:17:42,437 Uh, yeah. You the new guy? 449 00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:44,064 Yes, I am. 450 00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:46,358 I'm a man, as evidenced by my low voice. 451 00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:50,195 Sorry I'm late. Sorry I'm late, everyone. 452 00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:51,238 Nanny called in sick. 453 00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,906 She's got the plague. 454 00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:56,785 So, read the latest draft of Hamlet. 455 00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:59,413 Some good stuff, some good stuff. 456 00:17:59,413 --> 00:18:01,707 Does Shakespeare like it? 457 00:18:01,707 --> 00:18:03,125 Yeah... 458 00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:05,377 Is Shakespeare in love? 459 00:18:05,377 --> 00:18:06,670 No. No, not yet. 460 00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:07,921 Keep pushing. 461 00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:11,800 Yes-- Oh, hello. Who are you? Have we met? 462 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,970 Oh, um, I'm a writer from the Oxford Lampoon. 463 00:18:14,970 --> 00:18:16,013 I'm a man. 464 00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:18,682 My penis itches. 465 00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:20,767 Mm. I was skeptical until he said that. 466 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,854 Okay, so here's what I'd like to do. 467 00:18:23,854 --> 00:18:26,231 I would like to gray sky for a bit. 468 00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,609 Just throw some ideas around. 469 00:18:28,609 --> 00:18:31,570 See what sticks. No judgments. 470 00:18:31,570 --> 00:18:33,572 Francis Bacon, take us on our journey. 471 00:18:33,572 --> 00:18:35,908 Oh. Okay. Uh, it's pretty crazy, 472 00:18:35,908 --> 00:18:37,993 but, um, what if we do a play, 473 00:18:37,993 --> 00:18:41,580 okay, but it's got music and singing? 474 00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:44,875 So what you're suggesting, if I'm hearing it right, 475 00:18:44,875 --> 00:18:46,960 is that people stop, 476 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,421 in the middle of a show, and start singing 477 00:18:49,421 --> 00:18:50,881 something to the equivalent of... 478 00:18:51,423 --> 00:18:53,675 ♪ I'm so sad ♪ 479 00:18:53,675 --> 00:18:57,763 ♪ Because my uncle killed my dad ♪ 480 00:18:57,763 --> 00:18:59,014 ♪ Hamlet! ♪ 481 00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:00,224 That's fucking awful. 482 00:19:00,224 --> 00:19:01,850 Okay, anyone else have a pitch? 483 00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:04,603 Maybe a good idea, perchance? 484 00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:07,397 What about an interracial love story? 485 00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:09,316 An English lady and a Black guy, 486 00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:11,193 but it's not about race, 487 00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:14,488 and we called it, uh, I don't know, Othello. 488 00:19:14,488 --> 00:19:16,281 Oh, let me start off by saying this. 489 00:19:16,281 --> 00:19:18,158 I am an ally, 490 00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:20,035 but I don't think it's my story to tell. 491 00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:23,372 So, if you wanna develop it, I would absolutely support that, 492 00:19:23,372 --> 00:19:24,748 but just remember, 493 00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:27,709 it was conceived in this room, 494 00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:30,504 was it not? Yes, t'was. 495 00:19:30,504 --> 00:19:32,548 So, technically, I own it. It's a Shakespeare! 496 00:19:32,548 --> 00:19:33,966 This motherfucker. 497 00:19:33,966 --> 00:19:35,884 - Anything else? - Um, 498 00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:38,470 I have a love story. It's about two white people. 499 00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:39,763 See? Now, that's relatable. 500 00:19:39,763 --> 00:19:41,306 WOMAN DRESSED AS BOY: So, they're star-crossed lovers, 501 00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:43,767 and they're in a small town, like Verona. 502 00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:46,103 Ooh, Italy is hot right now. 503 00:19:46,103 --> 00:19:49,106 And their houses hate each other, but they fall in love anyway. 504 00:19:49,106 --> 00:19:51,316 And then they die tragically in the end. 505 00:19:52,526 --> 00:19:54,695 Okay, that's not quite working for me yet, 506 00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:58,949 but let me just spitball on it for a second. 507 00:19:58,949 --> 00:20:00,117 Okay... 508 00:20:00,117 --> 00:20:03,954 What if they're ill-fated paramours 509 00:20:04,872 --> 00:20:05,998 from two different 510 00:20:05,998 --> 00:20:08,333 families... 511 00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:11,295 and they come from, I want to say... 512 00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:14,047 Verona, maybe? 513 00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:15,299 Right? 514 00:20:15,299 --> 00:20:19,136 And they die in a sad way. 515 00:20:19,136 --> 00:20:20,262 And we shall call it 516 00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:23,307 Friends with Benefits. 517 00:20:23,307 --> 00:20:25,017 I love that. SHAKESPEARE: Thank you. 518 00:20:25,017 --> 00:20:26,643 Dynamite idea, boss. SHAKESPEARE: Thank you. 519 00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:29,855 - But, isn't that what I just pitched? - No. You pitched me a lump of coal, 520 00:20:29,855 --> 00:20:31,732 and I, out of the kindness of my heart, 521 00:20:31,732 --> 00:20:33,775 took it and made it into a diamond. 522 00:20:34,193 --> 00:20:36,486 Okay, what you actually did was, 523 00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:39,323 I said an idea, then you repeated it as if it was your own idea-- 524 00:20:39,323 --> 00:20:43,035 [banging] 525 00:20:44,203 --> 00:20:45,579 ♪ harpsichord music ♪ 526 00:20:45,579 --> 00:20:48,457 You don't understand! 527 00:20:48,457 --> 00:20:50,125 The pressure I'm under! 528 00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:52,753 I have to produce! 529 00:20:52,753 --> 00:20:56,882 I have to make sure the costumes are hot! And heavy! 530 00:20:56,882 --> 00:20:59,968 I have to cast men 531 00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:03,180 that look like pretty little women! 532 00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:05,182 Ooh, little women. That could be something. 533 00:21:05,182 --> 00:21:08,143 That could be something awful! 534 00:21:12,648 --> 00:21:14,691 You know what? I'm sorry. 535 00:21:14,691 --> 00:21:16,026 I'm just... [sighs] 536 00:21:16,026 --> 00:21:18,028 I'm rife with hunger. 537 00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:19,613 What are we doing for lunch? 538 00:21:19,613 --> 00:21:21,281 Uh... we ordered Chipotle. 539 00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:23,116 Goddammit. 540 00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:23,617 [grunts] 541 00:21:24,785 --> 00:21:26,411 Alas, poor Yorick! 542 00:21:26,411 --> 00:21:28,247 It's fine. I-I barely knew him anyway. 543 00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:30,791 ♪ harpsichord fading out ♪ 544 00:21:31,708 --> 00:21:33,126 ♪ Russian music ♪ 545 00:21:33,126 --> 00:21:34,628 MEL: Rasputin. 546 00:21:36,547 --> 00:21:38,632 The mystical Russian priest 547 00:21:38,632 --> 00:21:42,678 who had a powerful mental hold on the Romanov family. 548 00:21:42,678 --> 00:21:45,097 This didn't sit well with some of the nobles, 549 00:21:45,097 --> 00:21:47,808 so they decided to kill him. 550 00:21:47,808 --> 00:21:50,477 Which, by the way, wasn't so easy. 551 00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:52,980 ♪ Jackass theme ♪ 552 00:21:52,980 --> 00:21:56,233 I'm Rasputin, and this is getting stabbed in the back 553 00:21:56,233 --> 00:21:58,151 and thrown in the River Neva. 554 00:21:58,151 --> 00:21:59,653 ♪ Jackass theme ♪ 555 00:21:59,653 --> 00:22:03,198 [stabbing, slicing] Oh! Ow! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! 556 00:22:03,198 --> 00:22:05,450 [laughing] 557 00:22:05,450 --> 00:22:06,702 NOBLE: Throw him in! 558 00:22:08,662 --> 00:22:10,581 [laughter] 559 00:22:10,581 --> 00:22:13,083 ♪ Jackass theme fades out ♪ 560 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,382 MEL: The Russian Revolution. 561 00:22:20,382 --> 00:22:22,634 ♪ Russian music ♪ 562 00:22:22,634 --> 00:22:24,178 Now, back in the shtetl... 563 00:22:24,178 --> 00:22:27,097 SCHMUCK'S WIFE: Isn't it great? Those Romanov pigs are dead! 564 00:22:27,097 --> 00:22:29,057 The proletariat rules Russia. 565 00:22:29,057 --> 00:22:32,561 We must go to Moscow and join the revolution! 566 00:22:32,561 --> 00:22:34,938 My beautiful, absolutely faithful wife, 567 00:22:34,938 --> 00:22:37,149 have you lost your mind? 568 00:22:37,149 --> 00:22:39,735 How could we leave all of this behind? 569 00:22:39,735 --> 00:22:42,446 Nice. Dad just rhymed. Here comes another song. 570 00:22:42,446 --> 00:22:45,782 ♪ We'll pack our bag and move off to the city ♪ 571 00:22:45,782 --> 00:22:48,952 ♪ Where a dream life in the ghetto waits for you ♪ 572 00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:50,996 ♪ Let the goyim have this rural life so shitty ♪ 573 00:22:50,996 --> 00:22:52,331 What? 574 00:22:52,331 --> 00:22:54,124 ♪ This shtetl stinks, it's no place ♪ 575 00:22:54,124 --> 00:22:55,417 ♪ For a Jew ♪ 576 00:22:55,417 --> 00:22:56,960 ♪ Fiddler on the Roof -style music ♪ 577 00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:00,547 ♪ I rather like the easy lifestyle of the shtetl ♪ 578 00:23:00,547 --> 00:23:03,842 ♪ Where every murderous Cossack knows your name ♪ 579 00:23:03,842 --> 00:23:05,344 ♪ Why seek out that thing fear? ♪ 580 00:23:05,344 --> 00:23:07,471 ♪ We've got plenty of it here ♪ 581 00:23:07,471 --> 00:23:09,431 ♪ My dear, the city's no place for a Jew ♪ 582 00:23:09,431 --> 00:23:12,226 - There's no place for you. - Well, that could be. 583 00:23:12,226 --> 00:23:15,103 ♪ Schmuck, you're a schmendrik, you're a putz ♪ 584 00:23:15,103 --> 00:23:18,607 ♪ You've got more mud than brains or guts ♪ 585 00:23:18,607 --> 00:23:22,194 ♪ Better a living shtetl schmendrik ♪ 586 00:23:22,194 --> 00:23:24,821 ♪ Than a dead big city Bolshevik ♪ 587 00:23:24,821 --> 00:23:26,281 Bullshit! 588 00:23:26,281 --> 00:23:28,283 - Fanny, language! - Sorry. 589 00:23:29,576 --> 00:23:32,538 ♪ dramatic music ♪ 590 00:23:32,538 --> 00:23:33,997 ♪ See, this is what I'm saying ♪ 591 00:23:33,997 --> 00:23:35,457 ♪ This Cossack wants us dead ♪ 592 00:23:35,457 --> 00:23:37,709 ♪ This Cossack has a name, his name is Fred ♪ 593 00:23:37,709 --> 00:23:39,169 - Hi, Fred. - Hi. 594 00:23:39,169 --> 00:23:41,797 ♪ I've known this anti-Semite for most of my whole life ♪ 595 00:23:41,797 --> 00:23:43,340 ♪ He's the one who stabbed your father! ♪ 596 00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:44,967 ♪ I stabbed him with my knife ♪ 597 00:23:44,967 --> 00:23:46,718 ♪ Stabbed him with his knife ♪ 598 00:23:46,718 --> 00:23:47,970 ♪ 599 00:23:47,970 --> 00:23:49,388 ♪ This Cossack's not a killer ♪ 600 00:23:49,388 --> 00:23:51,056 ♪ Just peckish, the poor goy ♪ 601 00:23:51,056 --> 00:23:53,684 ♪ Keep your hands off me, you filthy stinking Jew ♪ 602 00:23:53,684 --> 00:23:55,227 See? 603 00:23:55,227 --> 00:23:57,604 ♪ But I've got just the ticket, the delicious Mudman pie ♪ 604 00:23:57,604 --> 00:24:01,817 ♪ A little nosh to brighten up your genocidal mood ♪ 605 00:24:03,235 --> 00:24:07,155 [Fred gagging and coughing] 606 00:24:07,155 --> 00:24:09,074 ♪ 607 00:24:09,074 --> 00:24:10,492 Oh, uh, charades! 608 00:24:10,492 --> 00:24:12,786 He wants to do charades! Okay. 609 00:24:12,786 --> 00:24:15,205 [gagging continues] Okay. 610 00:24:15,205 --> 00:24:17,374 SCMUCK/FANNY: First word. 611 00:24:17,374 --> 00:24:19,710 - I! - I! Joshy, you're so smart! 612 00:24:19,710 --> 00:24:21,962 And don't get me started on that body. FANNY: Good. 613 00:24:21,962 --> 00:24:23,005 - [coughs] - Second word. 614 00:24:23,005 --> 00:24:24,089 Uh... Oh! 615 00:24:24,089 --> 00:24:27,676 Kill! Kill! Kill, kill, kill. SCHMUCK: Good job, Joshy. 616 00:24:27,676 --> 00:24:30,095 [gagging] Uh, third word. Uh... 617 00:24:30,095 --> 00:24:31,722 Oh. A sheep? [sheep bleats] 618 00:24:31,722 --> 00:24:33,265 Yes, oh! But, a female sheep. 619 00:24:33,265 --> 00:24:34,516 [whistling] 620 00:24:34,516 --> 00:24:36,310 - Yes... A ewe! - Ewe? 621 00:24:36,310 --> 00:24:38,312 "I kill you!" 622 00:24:38,312 --> 00:24:39,479 Fourth word. 623 00:24:40,272 --> 00:24:41,023 - Shoe. - Shoe? 624 00:24:41,023 --> 00:24:42,399 "I kill you shoes." 625 00:24:42,399 --> 00:24:43,817 He hates shoes! JOSH: I kill you, shoes. 626 00:24:43,817 --> 00:24:44,985 Oh, oh, oh! 627 00:24:44,985 --> 00:24:46,778 "I kill you, Jews!" 628 00:24:46,778 --> 00:24:48,197 SCHMUCK: There it is. FANNY: I told you, see? 629 00:24:48,197 --> 00:24:50,866 Yeah, you were right, okay. [coughing] 630 00:24:50,866 --> 00:24:52,242 And... 631 00:24:52,242 --> 00:24:53,243 [crash] 632 00:24:54,703 --> 00:24:56,914 [sheep bleats] Alright. 633 00:24:58,373 --> 00:24:59,750 FANNY: Oh. 634 00:25:01,126 --> 00:25:03,420 SCHMUCK: Well, let's pack our one bag. 635 00:25:03,420 --> 00:25:06,298 ♪ The city is the right place ♪ 636 00:25:06,298 --> 00:25:10,260 ♪ For these Jews! ♪ 637 00:25:10,260 --> 00:25:14,139 ♪ Fiddler on the Roof- style music ends ♪ 638 00:25:14,139 --> 00:25:16,975 But honestly, we should get going if we wanna beat traffic. Let's go. 639 00:25:16,975 --> 00:25:19,228 FANNY: I'm so happy. 640 00:25:23,315 --> 00:25:25,984 MEL: Hitler on Ice! 641 00:25:25,984 --> 00:25:28,237 Hey, didn't I say no repeats? 642 00:25:30,113 --> 00:25:32,199 COMMENTATOR 1: And Adolf Hitler, 643 00:25:32,199 --> 00:25:35,035 not giving the performance he had hoped for tonight. 644 00:25:35,035 --> 00:25:38,163 Mm. The master race isn't lookin' so masterful. 645 00:25:38,163 --> 00:25:39,915 COMMENTATOR 2: Very hard to perform at a high level 646 00:25:39,915 --> 00:25:42,543 when you are losing a two-front war. 647 00:25:42,543 --> 00:25:45,128 Oh! Wow... COMMENTATOR 1: Oh, no... 648 00:25:45,128 --> 00:25:47,506 You know, it really hurts when you fall on the ice like that. 649 00:25:47,506 --> 00:25:49,299 - Absolutely, Trish. - It does. 650 00:25:49,299 --> 00:25:51,176 And that's gonna wrap it up for Adolf Hitler. 651 00:25:51,176 --> 00:25:53,554 Let's go to the floor and see some scores. [crowd cheering] 652 00:25:53,554 --> 00:25:56,306 COMMENTATOR 1: And we're gonna follow him into the kiss and cry booth. 653 00:25:56,306 --> 00:25:58,100 COMMENTATOR 2: And here he is with his longtime coach, 654 00:25:58,100 --> 00:26:00,477 Joseph Goebbels, and his new bride, Eva Braun, 655 00:26:00,477 --> 00:26:03,063 and they are throwing things at him in the audience. 656 00:26:03,063 --> 00:26:05,774 They are throwing dead flowers. And he's waiting for the scores. Here they are. 657 00:26:05,774 --> 00:26:06,900 [crowd cheering] 658 00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:09,403 COMMENTATORS: Wow. Wow! Wow. Wow. 659 00:26:09,403 --> 00:26:12,865 COMMENTATOR 1: As expected, it's a festival of zeros... 660 00:26:12,865 --> 00:26:15,534 [crowd booing] except for the French who gave him a 10, 661 00:26:15,534 --> 00:26:18,370 those Vichy cowards. COMMENTATOR 2: Wow. 662 00:26:18,370 --> 00:26:20,831 TRISH: He got a straight-up "fuck you" from Poland. 663 00:26:20,831 --> 00:26:22,749 I've said it before, I'll say it again, 664 00:26:22,749 --> 00:26:25,460 if you put concentration camps in people's countries, 665 00:26:25,460 --> 00:26:27,629 you better be flawless on the ice. 666 00:26:27,629 --> 00:26:30,090 TRISH: Look at how hysterical he is. COMMENTATOR 2: Wow. 667 00:26:30,090 --> 00:26:31,967 TRISH: See? This is what happens when men are in charge. 668 00:26:31,967 --> 00:26:33,427 COMMENTATOR 2: I don't know about you guys. 669 00:26:33,427 --> 00:26:35,470 I think this is gonna turn into one of those Hitler memes. 670 00:26:35,470 --> 00:26:36,763 Have you guys seen those? TRISH: Mm-hmm. 671 00:26:36,763 --> 00:26:38,849 COMMENTATOR 1: And, oh. COMMENTATOR 2: I see a Luger. 672 00:26:38,849 --> 00:26:40,976 I see a Luger. Wow. COMMENTATOR 1: There's the Luger. 673 00:26:40,976 --> 00:26:44,396 Uh-oh, looks like he's heading back to the bunker with Eva Braun 674 00:26:44,396 --> 00:26:47,941 to blow his psychopathic brains right out of his shit head. 675 00:26:47,941 --> 00:26:51,528 Yeah, I have to imagine that this is his last competition, 676 00:26:51,528 --> 00:26:53,864 and I, for one, am glad about it. 677 00:26:53,864 --> 00:26:55,616 He's a thug and bad for the sport. 678 00:26:55,616 --> 00:26:57,034 And humanity. 679 00:26:57,034 --> 00:26:58,702 The greasy-head motherfucker. 680 00:26:58,702 --> 00:27:01,622 Ho-ho! We're gonna get some letters about that one, 681 00:27:01,622 --> 00:27:03,582 but hashtag "I stand with Trish." 682 00:27:03,582 --> 00:27:05,250 Hashtag "me too." 683 00:27:05,250 --> 00:27:06,376 I don't know about that one. 684 00:27:06,376 --> 00:27:07,794 Absolutely! 685 00:27:07,794 --> 00:27:09,922 And coming up next, we've got men's downhill 686 00:27:09,922 --> 00:27:11,632 with Benito Mussolini. 687 00:27:11,632 --> 00:27:13,425 He can make the trains run on time, 688 00:27:13,425 --> 00:27:16,678 but can he beat his own time on the slopes? 689 00:27:16,678 --> 00:27:19,681 Let's hope he falls down and breaks both of his fuckin' legs. 690 00:27:19,681 --> 00:27:21,683 ♪ klezmer music playing ♪ 691 00:27:21,683 --> 00:27:23,685 ♪