1 00:00:02,169 --> 00:00:05,422 MEL BROOKS: It's June 6th, 1944. 2 00:00:05,422 --> 00:00:07,007 [distant explosions] D-Day. 3 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:11,053 The Allied forces storm the beaches of Normandy. 4 00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:13,680 [compass clicking] [planes flying overhead, gunfire] 5 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:17,351 Boys, we're gonna be storming Omaha Beach in a couple minutes. 6 00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:18,435 Be steady. 7 00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:20,312 It's time to find out what you're all made of. 8 00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:21,563 [loud explosion] 9 00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:22,773 Oh God. 10 00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:25,067 Oh. Just barfed in the corner over here, sir! 11 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:28,820 Well, just try and keep it out the boat, okay? 12 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,448 Private Tully, get a grip on your nerves! 13 00:00:32,448 --> 00:00:34,493 It's not nerves, sir. 14 00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:35,744 I get seasick. 15 00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:38,247 Well, just keep your eyes on the horizon. That goes for everyone. 16 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:41,083 [retching] 17 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:42,626 Don't tell me you're seasick too, Johnson. 18 00:00:42,626 --> 00:00:44,044 No, sir! 19 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:47,172 I think I just went a little too hard on the paté at dinner last night, sir. 20 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:50,551 What? They didn't serve paté in the mess. 21 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:51,927 Did you go AWOL last night? 22 00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:53,637 Yeah. [groans] 23 00:00:53,637 --> 00:00:54,680 Did any of you join him? 24 00:00:57,808 --> 00:00:59,935 I did, sir! Ah. 25 00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:01,603 I had a lot of oysters, 26 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:04,523 and now that I think about it, they were pretty warm. 27 00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:06,692 Y'all defied orders and went to a restaurant? 28 00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:08,151 Sir, we're in Europe, 29 00:01:08,151 --> 00:01:10,320 and we just thought if it was gonna be our last meal, 30 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,364 that it should be someplace special. 31 00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:14,032 We found this adorable little pub. 32 00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:16,285 [both retching] Oh God! 33 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:20,831 Private Martinez, you go to this little dinner, too? 34 00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:23,375 No, sir, I wasn't invited, sir! And to be honest, 35 00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,335 it's kinda hurtful to find out in this manner. 36 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:28,005 - Sorry, man. - Then, why the hell are you yakking then? 37 00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:29,923 I have a hair-trigger gag reflex, sir. 38 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,550 If I see somebody puke, I'm puking right away. 39 00:01:31,550 --> 00:01:33,177 [retching] 40 00:01:33,177 --> 00:01:34,803 Private Bryant, report! 41 00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:36,805 - Share! - I'm fine! 42 00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:39,600 - CAPTAIN HANKS: That's a direct order! - I don't wanna talk about it! 43 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,476 He's not fine, sir. 44 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,437 He's been this way since basic. 45 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,856 Always after meals, if you catch my drift. 46 00:01:46,398 --> 00:01:47,649 So what do I do here? 47 00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,485 I-I don't know. Tell him he looks good in any size? 48 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,654 Or maybe don't talk about his body at all, sir. 49 00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:56,533 Private Cooper, what is your major malfunction? 50 00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:59,494 Sorry, sir. I'm just a straight-up coward. 51 00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,414 I'm afraid of sharks. 52 00:02:02,414 --> 00:02:04,374 Hair-trigger, sir. [gun clicking] 53 00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:06,084 Enough! 54 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:08,253 No more vomit! 55 00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:11,381 Now, we are about to embark on the biggest military campaign 56 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:13,675 in the history of the world part two! 57 00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:17,429 And I need you to just... [growling] 58 00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:19,932 Captain, are you okay? 59 00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:21,475 No. 60 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,727 - I just shit my dang pants. - Oh, no. 61 00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:27,189 ♪ epic music ♪ 62 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,070 SOLDIER: Save it for the Nazis! 63 00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:38,033 ♪ theme song playing ♪ 64 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:44,289 MEL: History of the World, Part II! 65 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,172 ♪ biblical music ♪ 66 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,174 MEL: The Story of Jesus. 67 00:02:57,594 --> 00:03:00,389 ♪ angelic vocals ♪ 68 00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:04,726 ♪ Curb Your Enthusiasm theme ♪ 69 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:12,442 [insects chirping] 70 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,695 Mm. [smacks lips] Mm. 71 00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:18,949 Mm. Delicious. 72 00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:21,368 Luke, there it is! 73 00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:23,787 - Judas, what's goin' down? - How you doin', man? 74 00:03:23,787 --> 00:03:25,414 Man, I had to get me something in my belly, man. 75 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:26,915 You know that last supper wasn't shit. 76 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:29,001 [sighs] Didn't hit anything for me. 77 00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:30,544 Yeah. More like a Last Snack, right? 78 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,881 Nothin' worse than goin' somewhere for a meal, 79 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,716 and you gotta come the fuck home and eat again. 80 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,759 It's like, what's the point? I could've just stayed home. 81 00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,011 - What's the fuckin' point? - I know. 82 00:03:39,011 --> 00:03:41,597 Jesus invites us over for dinner, and then what? 83 00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:44,683 It's like a bunch of small medi plates? One lamb meatball as an entrée? 84 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:47,186 If you're gonna gimme one meatball, it better be a big-ass meatball. 85 00:03:47,186 --> 00:03:49,563 If it's not bigger than my head, I don't want it. 86 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,982 - Look, I don't wanna complain. - Can't hate on Jesus. 87 00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:54,359 I can't hate on Jesus. I love being a disciple. 88 00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:56,570 But you go to one of these dinners, 89 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,238 there's 11 other guys there 90 00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,699 who got plans that they want you to attend. 91 00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:02,743 - Did Peter corner you? - Of course, he did. 92 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,203 [whiny voice]: "You coming to my one-man show?" 93 00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:05,746 One-man fuckin' show, that's the worst! 94 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,289 With a one-man show, you don't get the chance 95 00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,790 to see other people, other actors, and shit. 96 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,584 You sitting there like, "This motherfucka again?" 97 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,044 - I know. - This motherfucka again? 98 00:04:12,044 --> 00:04:13,128 - I know. - Ain't never leave! 99 00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:14,755 So he's always gonna be "this motherfucka again!" 100 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:17,090 I know. I feel gross after that dinner. Do you know why? 101 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,051 - Why? - All that feet washing. 102 00:04:19,051 --> 00:04:21,303 Why is everybody washing feet all the time? 103 00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:23,514 Why is Jesus obsessed with washing feet? 104 00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:24,723 - I don't like it. - It's unsanitary! 105 00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,850 - It's unsanitary. Thank you! - That's what it is. 106 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:29,186 Thank you. I just don't like feet. 107 00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:32,022 I don't wanna wash 'em. I don't wanna look at 'em. 108 00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:33,398 I... don't like feet. 109 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,900 - Oh, man. - You like feet? 110 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,777 - I make love to a fuckin' foot. - Really? 111 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,320 Oh, man. Well, two feet. 112 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,280 - See, you're sitting in a yoga pose... - Yeah. Mm-hmm. 113 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,950 ...you put both feet together, so that you create this. 114 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:43,992 Oh, okay. 115 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,536 Put a little lubricant in that motherfucka, 116 00:04:45,536 --> 00:04:47,538 and break them feet off. Break 'em off. 117 00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:49,331 Get the party started. You break your way up. 118 00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:50,749 [knocking on door] 119 00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:52,876 What is this? Who knocks at this hour? 120 00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:56,129 That's why we put blood on the door frame! 121 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,590 So you could pass over us! 122 00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:00,008 See? Pass over! 123 00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,927 ♪ jaunty music ♪ 124 00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,720 - Huh? - Uh-oh. It's the Ro-Ro. 125 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,138 [police siren] JUDAS: Roman soldiers? 126 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,224 What are they doing here at this hour? 127 00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,434 [police radio chatter] 128 00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:10,811 Judas Iscariot? 129 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,106 - Nope, don't think he's, uh... - Right here. 130 00:05:14,106 --> 00:05:15,440 The fuck are you doing, man? 131 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:16,984 Not gonna stand here and get profiled. 132 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,610 ROMAN: I'm gonna cut straight to the chase. 133 00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:21,530 We've gotta arrest this Jesus character. He is a danger to the community. 134 00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:24,741 Whoa, whoa, h-hold the fuck up, Mr. Rooster Helmet. 135 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,202 Cock-a-doodle-doo. I don't know what the fuck you talking about right now, 136 00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:29,454 but Jesus is all about the peace. 137 00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,707 Peace and love. He's all about peace and love. 138 00:05:31,707 --> 00:05:34,042 Judas, we know you were at the Last Supper. 139 00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:36,336 Everyone knows you're the most weaselly apostle. 140 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,796 That feels antisemitic. 141 00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:40,007 What we don't know is what this Jesus looks like. 142 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:41,758 Now, you identify him for us, 143 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,261 and you will be richly compensated. 144 00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:45,679 Richly compensated? 145 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:46,972 ♪ pensive music ♪ 146 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:47,973 Uh-huh. 147 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,185 Hm... 148 00:05:51,185 --> 00:05:53,729 Eh? Mm-hmm? 149 00:05:55,647 --> 00:05:56,690 Hm. 150 00:05:58,317 --> 00:05:59,359 Eh? 151 00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:01,987 Okay, well... 152 00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:03,989 if I were to do it, and I'm not saying I would-- 153 00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:06,158 - LUKE: Hypothetically speaking, of course. - Hypothetically speaking, 154 00:06:06,158 --> 00:06:07,743 if I were to do it... 155 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:10,454 [slurred]: I mean, what would be in it for me? 156 00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:12,372 Thirty pieces of silver. [coins jangling] 157 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,416 [normal voice]: Thirty pieces of silver? 158 00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:15,834 Mm... 159 00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,085 [sighs] 160 00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:19,671 I mean, I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna do it. 161 00:06:19,671 --> 00:06:21,340 Jesus is a good friend. He's a good friend of ours. 162 00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:23,425 - PETER: Right. - But, if I were to do it, 163 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,093 how would I even identify him? 164 00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:26,637 You're the weasel. You tell me. 165 00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:29,014 Hey. Maybe slap him on the ass. 166 00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:30,682 - Slap him on the ass? - Yeah! 167 00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:32,726 Why don't I just give him a big fat kiss while I'm at it? 168 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,353 ROMAN: Oh! That could work, yeah. 169 00:06:34,353 --> 00:06:36,647 - JUDAS: What? - Yeah. You give him a kiss, 170 00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:38,065 we swoop in-- Gimme your hand. 171 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,816 We swoop in and arrest him. 172 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:40,943 [coins clinking] 173 00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:42,903 Soldiers, march! 174 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,405 Keep marching a hole in the left! [police siren chirps] 175 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,740 Keep marching a hole in the right... 176 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,367 Know what you can do with 30 pieces of silver? 177 00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:49,368 What? 178 00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:51,245 Buy one big-ass meatball. 179 00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:52,412 ♪ 180 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,998 - We would have a nice dinner, wouldn't we? - Fuckin' right. 181 00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:57,334 [coins jangling] [laughing] 182 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,421 ♪ 183 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,173 MEL: Shirley Chisholm. 184 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,759 ♪ funk music ♪ 185 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,554 In 1968, Shirley Chisholm 186 00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:10,514 became the first Black woman 187 00:07:10,514 --> 00:07:13,100 elected to the United States Congress, 188 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,812 serving Brooklyn, the home of me, and Jay-Z. 189 00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:19,064 Brooklyn represent, represent! 190 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,774 I don't know what that means. 191 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,443 Anyway, four years later, she ran for president, 192 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,654 and this is that story. 193 00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:27,072 With a laugh track! 194 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,449 ♪ 70s sitcom music ♪ 195 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:32,744 ♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪ 196 00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,080 ♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪ 197 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,583 ♪ She's Shirley, It's been a long, hard road ♪ 198 00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:39,251 ♪ But hope was never lost ♪ 199 00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:43,172 ♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪ 200 00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:45,841 ♪ Ooo, ooo, "Shirley!" ♪ 201 00:07:45,841 --> 00:07:48,010 [audience cheering] 202 00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,219 ANNOUNCER: Shirley is brought to you 203 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:52,055 by the actual presidential candidate, Shirley Chisholm, 204 00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:55,350 and filmed in front of a live Black audience. 205 00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:57,728 ♪ upbeat music ♪ 206 00:07:57,728 --> 00:08:01,190 [audience cheering] 207 00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:04,193 How's my favorite first Black congresswoman? 208 00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:05,861 She's terrible. 209 00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:07,321 Nothing gets done in Congress, 210 00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:09,364 except for me getting screwed. 211 00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:12,034 [audience laughing] 212 00:08:12,034 --> 00:08:13,952 And speaking of getting screwed, 213 00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:16,038 how's my favorite dick? 214 00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:18,749 Did you solve the case of the missing circus elephant? 215 00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:20,459 Heh, sure did. Turns out, 216 00:08:20,459 --> 00:08:23,170 it was the evil Ringling Brother, Ding-A-Ling. 217 00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:25,714 [audience laughing] 218 00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:28,967 [audience cheering] 219 00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:30,719 I always thought of you as a clown. 220 00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:34,223 I guess now, my eyes have caught up with my brain. 221 00:08:34,223 --> 00:08:37,768 [audience laughing] 222 00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:39,811 [audience cheering] 223 00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,480 Ha, ha! 224 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,106 Florynce Kennedy, 225 00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:45,776 why do you insist on coming through my window? 226 00:08:45,776 --> 00:08:47,486 Because you won't gimme a key. 227 00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:49,780 [audience laughing] 228 00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:51,240 So, what were y'all talking about? 229 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:54,451 Oh, just how I'm fed up with Congress is all. 230 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:57,955 You know, I wanna work on the problems of my constituents in Brooklyn. 231 00:08:57,955 --> 00:09:00,874 You know, healthcare, education, 232 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,835 tickets to Marvin Gaye. 233 00:09:02,835 --> 00:09:04,628 FLORYNCE: As your chief advisor, 234 00:09:04,628 --> 00:09:07,130 you got to take this to the tippity-top! 235 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:09,925 BOTH: Harry Belafonte? 236 00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:11,927 [audience laughing] 237 00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:14,721 No. To the president. 238 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:17,182 You want me to call President Nixon? 239 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:19,601 Well, there are a few things I'd like to call him, 240 00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:21,436 but they wouldn't clear standards and practices. 241 00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:23,021 [audience laughing] 242 00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:25,023 You know what? Maybe I will. 243 00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:30,863 [dialing, dial tone] 244 00:09:30,863 --> 00:09:32,865 Hello, is this the White House? 245 00:09:32,865 --> 00:09:35,117 This is Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm, 246 00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:38,579 and I would like to speak with President Nixon, please. 247 00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:40,747 Oh hello, Mr. President. 248 00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:44,209 I didn't realize that you answered your own phone. 249 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,795 How... very not paranoid of you, sir. 250 00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:49,840 [audience laughing] 251 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,050 Yes. Uh-huh. 252 00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:53,719 Tonight? 253 00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:55,345 7:30? 254 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,930 My place? 255 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,682 Nothing too ethnic. [audience laughing] 256 00:09:58,682 --> 00:10:01,310 Yes! I can do that. 257 00:10:01,310 --> 00:10:02,561 Thank you. 258 00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:04,980 [hangs up phone] 259 00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:07,065 Guess who's coming to dinner? 260 00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:08,775 Will you two 261 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,819 stop playing around and help me get dinner ready? 262 00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:12,863 [both yelling, grunting] 263 00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:15,532 [audience laughing] 264 00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:18,952 - [phone falls off hook] - [stilted]: Help! Help! Help! 265 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,579 [audience cheering, applauding] 266 00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:22,331 ANNOUNCER: Shirley will be right back 267 00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:24,708 after these Black hair product commercials. 268 00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:27,711 ♪ military music ♪ 269 00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:30,756 MEL: Previously on The Civil War... 270 00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:35,177 No more alcohol until the war is over. 271 00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,386 [angry growl] 272 00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:37,930 RT, come over here. 273 00:10:37,930 --> 00:10:39,765 There's my big, strong boy. 274 00:10:39,765 --> 00:10:42,392 You are ready to join me on a top-secret mission. 275 00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:44,853 I will follow you to the gates of hell, sir. 276 00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:47,523 It's worse than that, son. We're going to West Virginia. 277 00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:48,982 No! 278 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,446 ♪ Western-style music ♪ 279 00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:56,949 RT [whispering]: West Virginia is so much worse than I thought. 280 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,077 Good call on losing the uniforms, sir. 281 00:11:00,077 --> 00:11:01,662 [whispers]: Yeah, I know. I'm a general. 282 00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,705 This isn't my first secret mission. 283 00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:06,041 RT: What is the secret mission, by the way? 284 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,085 We'll go to that saloon over there and have a quick drink. 285 00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:09,586 Just try to blend in. RT: Yes, sir. 286 00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:11,129 [Southern accent]: Howdy! 287 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:13,632 - RT: Howdy! - H-- Say it with a Southern accent! 288 00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:15,300 RT [Southern]: Howdy! GRANT [Southern]: Howdy! 289 00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,678 - [Irish accent]: Howdy-do? [laughs] - Not Irish! 290 00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,680 [car lock beeping] Alright. And don't futz with the settings, 291 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,598 please, thank you. Yeah. 292 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,475 Now listen, RT. 293 00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:26,937 We gotta keep a low profile, okay? These people don't like our kind. 294 00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:28,230 Sagittarius? 295 00:11:29,064 --> 00:11:30,649 - Yankees! - Right. 296 00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:31,775 Of course, you're a Sagittarius. 297 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,610 With Mercury in retrograde, it all makes sense. 298 00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,571 Just listen to me. Okay, be cool, 299 00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:38,574 and if anything's out of order, just split up, and I'll find you, okay? 300 00:11:38,574 --> 00:11:40,325 RT: Yes, sir. GRANT: [sighs] Shit. 301 00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:42,202 ♪ old timey piano ♪ 302 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,621 [saloon chatter] 303 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:45,789 [chatter stops] 304 00:11:45,789 --> 00:11:48,125 [straining] 305 00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:49,877 [doors creaking] 306 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,253 [groaning] 307 00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,046 [grunts] Oh! Jesus! 308 00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,090 [mutters]: What was that? 309 00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,800 - [mutters]: You said split up. - Not literally! 310 00:11:58,719 --> 00:11:59,720 [sighs] 311 00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:03,599 - Howdy! [laughs] - Howdy. 312 00:12:03,599 --> 00:12:04,975 [chatter resumes] GRANT: Howdy to you. 313 00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:06,602 Howdy, just here for a drink. 314 00:12:06,602 --> 00:12:07,769 ♪ piano restarts ♪ 315 00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:09,897 [deep voice]: Howdy. [clears throat] 316 00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:11,899 [clearing throat] 317 00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,442 Hello, sir. I'd like one whiskey. 318 00:12:13,442 --> 00:12:15,235 Sir? Please? Hello! 319 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,196 Okay, he looked me right in the eye. 320 00:12:17,196 --> 00:12:19,406 [whispers]: Okay, sir. General. 321 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:20,908 I have a strategy. 322 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,659 - I think if we wanna properly blend in... - Yes. 323 00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,661 ...that we should be able to adopt new characters. 324 00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:26,038 - Okay. Yeah. - Okay? So, 325 00:12:26,038 --> 00:12:29,082 I think I should be Byron De La Étouffée, 326 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,918 - prosperous tobacco magnate. - Okay. 327 00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:33,003 You can be Mint Julep De La Étouffée, 328 00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:34,254 my son. [annoyed grunt] 329 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,881 Why would I be your son? 330 00:12:35,881 --> 00:12:37,633 In what universe does that make sense? 331 00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:39,384 I'm 20 years older than you. 332 00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:41,428 - Just an idea. - It's a bad idea. 333 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:42,971 - Okay. - Okay, j-j-j-just sit here 334 00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:44,556 - and watch my back. - Yes, sir. 335 00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:45,933 Come to papa. 336 00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,601 - That's what I've been waiting for. - Buck up. 337 00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:51,063 What? What!? What are you-- You are a psychopath, sir. 338 00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:54,107 God, that is so weird. That's weird! [RT clears throat] 339 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,734 MAN: Oh, you think that's weird, huh? 340 00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:57,486 [chatter, music stops] 341 00:12:57,486 --> 00:12:58,904 ♪ 342 00:12:58,904 --> 00:13:00,364 You think that's weird? 343 00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:02,658 WOMAN: Hoo, hoo, hoo! Yeah! 344 00:13:02,658 --> 00:13:04,493 ♪ dramatic banjo ♪ 345 00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:06,495 Hoo... wee! 346 00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:07,996 Mm, mm, mmm. 347 00:13:09,248 --> 00:13:11,124 I think you're weird. 348 00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:15,379 Who are you boys? [spits] 349 00:13:15,379 --> 00:13:17,172 [Southern accent]: I am Byron De La Étouffée, 350 00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:19,174 - and this is my s-- - [Southern accent]: Friend! 351 00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:22,010 Uh, we stopped in here to wet our whistles and talk about 352 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:24,346 - how much we love... cotton. - Yes. 353 00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:25,973 We love it. 354 00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:29,518 The touch, the feel, it is truly the fabric of our lives. 355 00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:31,562 ♪ 356 00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:33,897 Where are you boys from? 357 00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:36,984 Little town by yonder way called... 358 00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:39,278 Slaveburg. 359 00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:41,864 Slaveburg? 360 00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:43,657 I ain't never heard of no Slaveburg. 361 00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:45,534 ♪ tense music ♪ 362 00:13:45,534 --> 00:13:46,869 It's in Mississippi. 363 00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:49,997 - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... - That checks out. 364 00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,748 That checks out. WOMAN: We been there, we been there. 365 00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:53,417 Well, you two rebels, 366 00:13:53,417 --> 00:13:55,669 you must be very familiar with the game we play around here. 367 00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:59,006 A game that, uh, well... [laughing] [puts down spitoon] 368 00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:01,175 It always ends up with somebody getting 369 00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:03,177 carried out those doors. 370 00:14:03,177 --> 00:14:04,428 [whip crack] 371 00:14:04,428 --> 00:14:06,680 "Never Have I Ever." [hawk screech] 372 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,974 [saloon cheering] 373 00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:11,310 ♪ upbeat piano ♪ 374 00:14:11,310 --> 00:14:12,519 [man laughing] 375 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,313 Oh hello, daddy. 376 00:14:14,313 --> 00:14:16,648 - Hey! First rule! - Ow! 377 00:14:16,648 --> 00:14:18,942 No drinking till we start. 378 00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:20,485 [giggling] 379 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:23,071 [groans] Okay. [spits] 380 00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:24,531 Second rule! 381 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,283 You only drink if you've done the thing 382 00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:28,493 that the person whose turn it is said they've never done. 383 00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:30,120 FRIEND: That's right. 384 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,706 Till the man whose turn it is takes a drink. 385 00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,791 Well then, I will go first, and I wanna say-- 386 00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:37,252 - Ow! - No, no, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! 387 00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:40,297 They only drink if no one's done the thing they said they'd never did. 388 00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:42,341 I thought if a person said they've never did the thing, 389 00:14:42,341 --> 00:14:44,134 they were lying, and therefore must drink. 390 00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:45,844 I actually think Glenn is correct-- 391 00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:47,471 No, shut the fuck up, De La Étouffée! 392 00:14:47,471 --> 00:14:48,847 How many times we gon' go through this? 393 00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:50,933 Well, maybe you're bad at explaining it. 394 00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:53,268 Oh, let me get this straight, mister. You're trying to say 395 00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:55,395 I don't know the rules of "Never Have I Ever"? 396 00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,189 Maybe I am. What of it? 397 00:14:57,189 --> 00:15:00,192 [mumbling]: This the same reason why you're not on my charades team. 398 00:15:00,192 --> 00:15:02,152 GLENN: Maybe no one understands how to play the game 399 00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:04,613 'cause they can't understand what the fuck you're saying! 400 00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:06,615 [incoherent angry mumbling] GRANT: Okay, enough of this shit. 401 00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:09,034 How about this? Whiskey for everybody! 402 00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:11,703 [everyone cheering] [old timey music returns] 403 00:15:11,703 --> 00:15:13,455 Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 404 00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:15,165 What in blue blazes 405 00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:17,668 you doin' with a dirty Union greenback? 406 00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:20,712 Uh... [awkward laugh] 407 00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:23,590 Well, I am a proud rebel 408 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,134 who killed a Union soldier 409 00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,595 and took his money. [crowd gasps] 410 00:15:29,221 --> 00:15:30,556 Then, why's your face on it? 411 00:15:30,556 --> 00:15:32,057 [crowd gasps] 412 00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:36,270 That could be anybody. All white men with beards look alike, huh? 413 00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:37,312 What are you, racist? 414 00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:41,525 Yeah. That's pretty much our whole deal. 415 00:15:41,525 --> 00:15:43,485 We hate everything. 416 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:46,446 People who turn classic movies into TV shows. 417 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,115 Boat owners. 418 00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:49,867 Sound effects. GLENN: Redheads. 419 00:15:49,867 --> 00:15:52,536 - Deadheads! - For-profit universities. 420 00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:54,371 Novelty license plates. 421 00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:56,582 Picking people up from the airport! 422 00:15:56,582 --> 00:15:57,833 But most of all... 423 00:15:57,833 --> 00:16:00,419 - [guns cocking] - Alright. 424 00:16:00,419 --> 00:16:02,129 ...Yankees. [menacing Ozark harp] 425 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:03,672 [Boston accent]: Fuck Jeter! 426 00:16:03,672 --> 00:16:07,634 And you know what? Fuck Tom Brady and his fuckin' Tampa Bay 427 00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,720 fuckin' wherever he is now. 428 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,513 Get that fuckin' thing outta here! What are you-- 429 00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:14,433 [no accent]: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... We gotta finish the scene, dude. 430 00:16:14,433 --> 00:16:16,935 Oh, you wanna finish the scene? Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness. 431 00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,854 - Hollyweird! - Just don't engage. Don't engage. 432 00:16:18,854 --> 00:16:21,982 Why don't you get LeBron to finish it? Oh! He's injured! 433 00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:24,026 Yankees. RED SOX FAN: Get a real basketball player 434 00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:25,652 like Larry fuckin' Bird. [guns cocking] 435 00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,910 MEL: The Mongolian Empire. 436 00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:35,871 ♪ mystical music ♪ 437 00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:39,458 In 1270, Marco Polo of Venice 438 00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:41,668 - travels the Silk Road... - Marco Polo! 439 00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,588 MEL: ...to meet the most feared emperor in the world, 440 00:16:44,588 --> 00:16:47,007 [doors shut] the great Kublai Khan. 441 00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:48,717 Get down. 442 00:16:48,717 --> 00:16:49,927 Go! 443 00:16:49,927 --> 00:16:51,929 On my knee... [laughs] Good. Let's do this. 444 00:16:51,929 --> 00:16:53,805 MEL: If it goes well, 445 00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:56,433 trade between the East and the West will finally open. 446 00:16:56,433 --> 00:16:58,393 [grunting, nervous laugh] 447 00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:02,064 And if not, Polo could be "no-mo." 448 00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,148 You may rise. 449 00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:06,443 Oh, thank heavens. This was a little bit humiliating. 450 00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,196 What an honor to be here. Thank you. 451 00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:12,199 I bring you gifts as a gesture of our friendship. 452 00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:13,742 Swag! 453 00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:15,327 ♪ 454 00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:16,995 We call this shit silk. 455 00:17:17,371 --> 00:17:19,623 [excited laugh] This is nice! 456 00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:21,166 [laughing] What do you call what I'm feeling? 457 00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:22,584 What's the word for this? 458 00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:24,753 Silky. MARCO POLO: Oh, yes! 459 00:17:24,753 --> 00:17:26,922 You know what? If you put that right here, 460 00:17:26,922 --> 00:17:28,507 on, like, a nice suit? 461 00:17:28,507 --> 00:17:29,842 You'd never wait for a table again in your life. 462 00:17:29,842 --> 00:17:32,177 Alright, Kublai's turn! 463 00:17:32,970 --> 00:17:35,013 Okay, so what do you have for me? 464 00:17:36,515 --> 00:17:37,766 MARCO: Okay. 465 00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:39,893 So keep in mind, I've been on the road for four and a half years, 466 00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,854 so there's a little bit of wear and tear, right? [laughs] 467 00:17:41,854 --> 00:17:44,231 Okay, I got something great, you're gonna freak out. 468 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:45,941 Put your hand out. 469 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:50,112 I call this "shaky red." Shaky red, sir. 470 00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:51,864 What is shaky red? 471 00:17:51,864 --> 00:17:55,075 Hot peppers! That have been crushed. I'd be a little careful. 472 00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:57,327 There's a little bit of sand in there. The... 473 00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,621 The bottle broke in the desert. What do you honestly think? 474 00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,665 This is more of a pitch stage of the-- 475 00:18:01,665 --> 00:18:03,333 [shaky red scattering] 476 00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:05,878 Okay, well do you have anything else? To be frank, that was kinda shitty. 477 00:18:05,878 --> 00:18:07,713 For you? Yes. I have a goat 478 00:18:07,713 --> 00:18:10,132 that was blessed by the Pope himself! 479 00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:12,217 - Oh, what? The Pope? - [laughs] Yeah! 480 00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:13,844 - [laughing] - Oh man, I heard all about that guy. 481 00:18:13,844 --> 00:18:15,971 The Pope Goat. Would love to meet this goat, where is it? 482 00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,641 MARCO: Shit. 483 00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,435 It's right here! 484 00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:23,896 We had to eat the actual goat a year and a half ago 485 00:18:23,896 --> 00:18:25,981 because we were starving to death, 486 00:18:25,981 --> 00:18:27,482 of course. 487 00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:30,068 - That's still blessed by... - So, 488 00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:32,863 they tell me you have, like, these scrolls of knowledge? 489 00:18:32,863 --> 00:18:35,032 I had to burn them, obviously, to cook the goat, 490 00:18:35,032 --> 00:18:36,408 so it was a catch-22. 491 00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:39,119 So, are you saying you brought nothing 492 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,705 - for the Great Khan? - You know what I do have for you? 493 00:18:41,705 --> 00:18:43,999 - It's a game. - What is this game? 494 00:18:46,627 --> 00:18:48,420 It's "Marco Polo." 495 00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:50,464 And the way that you play is somebody closes their eyes, 496 00:18:50,464 --> 00:18:52,257 and th-they're looking for the other guy, 497 00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:55,219 and th-they're running around, they say "Marco!" 498 00:18:55,219 --> 00:18:57,304 And the other guy says "Polo!" 499 00:18:57,304 --> 00:19:00,057 It's a load of fun! It's better in a pool. 500 00:19:00,057 --> 00:19:01,183 You know what? Fuck this! 501 00:19:01,183 --> 00:19:03,560 All you brought me was some spicy sand 502 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,604 and a dumbass game that you just made up? 503 00:19:05,604 --> 00:19:08,357 Please. It has been a crazy journey. 504 00:19:08,357 --> 00:19:10,150 There've been a lot of bumps on the road. 505 00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:11,985 Listen, Koobs, Koobs, hear me out. 506 00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:13,487 - Take him! - Koobs, Koobs! 507 00:19:13,487 --> 00:19:14,738 - Stop calling me Koobs! - No, no, no. 508 00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:16,615 Please don't do this. No! Whoa, whoa, whoa, please! 509 00:19:16,615 --> 00:19:18,408 Burn this motherfucker alive! 510 00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,327 No, no, please don't burn me alive! Don't burn me alive! 511 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,329 - I wanna hear his guts popping! - I'll do anything! No, no, no! 512 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:26,041 I'll suck my own dick! 513 00:19:26,041 --> 00:19:27,543 [gasps] Please. 514 00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:29,169 [gasps] 515 00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:31,004 [panting] 516 00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:33,507 [laughing] 517 00:19:33,507 --> 00:19:34,716 We pranked you! 518 00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:36,426 You got Khan'd, bro! 519 00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:40,013 ♪ Punk'd -style music ♪ 520 00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:42,182 - What do you mean it's a prank? - It's a prank! 521 00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:43,934 We've been trying to think for the last four years 522 00:19:43,934 --> 00:19:46,562 of some way to get you, and we got you! [nervous laughing] 523 00:19:46,562 --> 00:19:48,063 Check it out, check it out. 524 00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:50,357 We got hidden charcoal artists everywhere. Look, we got one over here. 525 00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:52,067 - Ah? - Wonderful. 526 00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:54,027 And look, we got one over here! 527 00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:55,737 He's got your depiction here, too! 528 00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:58,031 I was genuinely terrified for my life. 529 00:19:58,031 --> 00:20:00,242 ♪ music continues ♪ 530 00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:01,618 I'll suck my own dick! 531 00:20:01,618 --> 00:20:02,619 ♪ fades out ♪ 532 00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:04,830 ♪ funk music ♪ 533 00:20:04,830 --> 00:20:06,832 MEL: Shirley Chisholm. 534 00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,711 ANNOUNCER: Previously on Shirley... 535 00:20:10,711 --> 00:20:11,795 [dialing] 536 00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:13,380 Oh hello, Mr. President. 537 00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,299 [audience laughter] Guess who's coming to dinner? 538 00:20:15,299 --> 00:20:16,341 Mr. Nixon, 539 00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:19,428 what an immaculate honor to have you into my home. 540 00:20:19,428 --> 00:20:22,931 I invited my most charismatic and only friend, 541 00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:24,600 Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. 542 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,643 - [audience booing] - I brought a bundt cake. 543 00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:29,938 ♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪ 544 00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:32,524 [audience applauding, cheering] 545 00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:35,277 - Uh, Mother, will you be joining us? - Uh, let's see. 546 00:20:35,277 --> 00:20:38,739 Have dinner with two warmongering hogs, 547 00:20:38,739 --> 00:20:42,117 [scattered laughter] or drink my martini by myself? 548 00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:44,203 [audience laughing] 549 00:20:44,203 --> 00:20:45,871 That woman is enchanting. 550 00:20:45,871 --> 00:20:48,040 [audience cheering] 551 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,292 The reason I asked you here, Mr. President, 552 00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:53,712 is because I feel like I'm not getting anything done in Congress. 553 00:20:53,712 --> 00:20:56,131 Why, yes, Shirley. You see, ahem, 554 00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:57,966 Congress has no power. 555 00:20:57,966 --> 00:20:59,760 The only person who can get anything done 556 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,845 is the President of the United States. 557 00:21:01,845 --> 00:21:04,139 The Commander-in-Chief. 558 00:21:04,139 --> 00:21:06,099 The King of the Free World. 559 00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:08,769 The Imperator of the Galaxy. 560 00:21:08,769 --> 00:21:11,480 Easy, Dick, don't let the cat out of the bag. 561 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,065 [audience laughing] 562 00:21:13,065 --> 00:21:15,400 So you're saying that the only way I can get stuff done 563 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,444 is if I'm president? 564 00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:20,197 That's right, Shirley. But, let's face it. 565 00:21:20,197 --> 00:21:21,490 That's not happening anytime soon. 566 00:21:21,490 --> 00:21:24,201 I mean, you're Black, Shirley, and a woman. 567 00:21:25,035 --> 00:21:28,247 Well, Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me. 568 00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:29,665 Well, great. 569 00:21:30,374 --> 00:21:32,292 To run for president! 570 00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:34,711 [audience cheering] [laughing] 571 00:21:34,711 --> 00:21:37,464 Well, Henry, it finally happened, I never thought it would. 572 00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:39,049 A lady made me laugh. 573 00:21:39,049 --> 00:21:42,010 - [scattered boos] - Unlike you, I am no joke. 574 00:21:42,010 --> 00:21:44,763 I am unbought and unbossed! 575 00:21:44,763 --> 00:21:46,849 - [audience cheering] - Well! 576 00:21:46,849 --> 00:21:50,352 Miss Chisholm, we'll just see. Good day. 577 00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:53,021 Now, Henry, let's return to the White House. 578 00:21:53,021 --> 00:21:54,898 Your mother reminds me of a woman 579 00:21:54,898 --> 00:21:57,401 I met in Transylvania in 1403. 580 00:21:57,401 --> 00:21:58,610 Please give her my number. 581 00:21:58,610 --> 00:22:01,280 666-6666. 582 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,866 [audience laughing] [door shuts] 583 00:22:03,866 --> 00:22:07,244 So, looks like I'm running for president. 584 00:22:07,244 --> 00:22:08,328 - [audience cheering] - Shirley, 585 00:22:08,328 --> 00:22:10,122 I wish you would've talked to me about this. 586 00:22:10,122 --> 00:22:11,373 That's a big decision. 587 00:22:11,373 --> 00:22:13,333 Conrad, it's a TV show. 588 00:22:13,333 --> 00:22:16,503 We have to move the story along at a faster pace than real life. 589 00:22:16,503 --> 00:22:18,088 - [laughter] - Hm. 590 00:22:18,088 --> 00:22:20,132 Like a workout montage? 591 00:22:20,132 --> 00:22:20,883 ♪ 592 00:22:20,883 --> 00:22:24,761 ♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪ 593 00:22:29,141 --> 00:22:30,559 ♪ 594 00:22:30,559 --> 00:22:32,561 MEL: Jesus Christ. 595 00:22:34,813 --> 00:22:38,442 Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem... [insects chirping] 596 00:22:38,442 --> 00:22:42,112 ♪ whimsical music ♪ 597 00:22:42,112 --> 00:22:43,572 [restaurant chatter] 598 00:22:43,572 --> 00:22:46,950 Hey, barkeep? Two hot wines, please. BARKEEP: Coming right up, boss. 599 00:22:48,035 --> 00:22:51,163 - [Luke sighs] - So? What did we think about the show? 600 00:22:51,163 --> 00:22:53,457 Worst shit I have ever seen in my life. 601 00:22:53,457 --> 00:22:56,335 Right? Did you notice when he was in the "hospital scene," 602 00:22:56,335 --> 00:22:57,878 - he's in the bed? - Yeah. 603 00:22:57,878 --> 00:22:59,213 He fell asleep, right? 604 00:22:59,213 --> 00:23:01,340 Was that acting or was he really fuckin' sleeping? 605 00:23:01,340 --> 00:23:03,133 I don't know, but it's contagious 606 00:23:03,133 --> 00:23:05,344 - 'cause then I fall asleep. - You gotta have intermission. 607 00:23:05,344 --> 00:23:06,970 People gotta get up and stretch their legs 608 00:23:06,970 --> 00:23:09,139 a-and go out and stand in front of the fuckin' theater 609 00:23:09,139 --> 00:23:11,475 a-and smoke a hookah or some shit like that. 610 00:23:11,475 --> 00:23:13,435 Peter thinks it's good. He thinks this show is good. 611 00:23:13,435 --> 00:23:16,605 He thinks he's gonna tape this for a Netfish special! 612 00:23:16,605 --> 00:23:18,982 If this was on Netfish, I would cancel my subscription. 613 00:23:18,982 --> 00:23:21,318 Fuck yeah. Hey, I just can't believe 614 00:23:21,318 --> 00:23:23,278 that you're gonna betray Jesus tonight. 615 00:23:23,278 --> 00:23:27,157 What? I'm not gonna betray Jesus. What are you talking about? 616 00:23:27,157 --> 00:23:28,742 Fuck me, what am I talking about? You took the money! 617 00:23:28,742 --> 00:23:32,162 I had to take the money. Peter made us pay for this one-man show. 618 00:23:32,162 --> 00:23:34,122 We're his friends. We should be comped. 619 00:23:34,122 --> 00:23:38,335 And that is what the fuck you call a betrayal! 620 00:23:38,335 --> 00:23:39,711 - MAN: Betrayal? - What? 621 00:23:39,711 --> 00:23:41,672 Betrayal? Who are you gonna betray? [shushing] 622 00:23:41,672 --> 00:23:43,590 No, what are you guys talking about? 623 00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:45,676 - Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. - Who's getting betrayed? 624 00:23:45,676 --> 00:23:47,761 No, no, no, there's no betrayal happening. 625 00:23:47,761 --> 00:23:49,596 - It's fine. - Okay. So, what'd you think of the play? 626 00:23:49,596 --> 00:23:52,015 LUKE: You were up there trying really hard. 627 00:23:52,015 --> 00:23:55,102 And the details about your family. H-how your dad was a-- was a Galilean, 628 00:23:55,102 --> 00:23:58,772 a-and your mom was a Moabite? A-and the fact that you had therapy? 629 00:23:58,772 --> 00:24:00,107 - Fucked me up. - Thank you, man. 630 00:24:00,107 --> 00:24:02,109 - You see me. You see me. - I saw you. 631 00:24:02,109 --> 00:24:04,194 - What'd you think, Judas? - I think 632 00:24:04,194 --> 00:24:07,281 I didn't like to have to pay for tickets to my friend's one-man show. 633 00:24:07,281 --> 00:24:10,701 Well, I'm sorry I didn't get comps. What am I, a money lender? 634 00:24:10,701 --> 00:24:12,411 So, what'd you think of the show? 635 00:24:12,411 --> 00:24:14,788 Eh... Not for me. 636 00:24:14,788 --> 00:24:17,583 Well, Jesus loved it. JUDAS: Please. 637 00:24:17,583 --> 00:24:19,418 Jesus loves everything. The guy can't stop saying, 638 00:24:19,418 --> 00:24:21,795 "Oh, I love this." He's just looking for followers. 639 00:24:21,795 --> 00:24:24,214 [laughs] Look at Jesus over there. Look at him. 640 00:24:24,214 --> 00:24:26,008 Absolutely woofing down 641 00:24:26,008 --> 00:24:27,384 that bacon cheeseburger. 642 00:24:27,384 --> 00:24:29,928 PETER: Oh, it looks so good. JUDAS: Bacon cheeseburger? 643 00:24:29,928 --> 00:24:31,638 Hold on, that's not kosher. 644 00:24:31,638 --> 00:24:33,891 Wait, none of the food here is kosher. 645 00:24:33,891 --> 00:24:35,809 PETER: Oh please, let him sin. 646 00:24:35,809 --> 00:24:38,604 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuckin' phones. 647 00:24:38,604 --> 00:24:41,648 Wait a minute, I just ate a bacon-wrapped scallop and baby back ribs. 648 00:24:41,648 --> 00:24:44,234 You mean to tell me none of this shit is kosher? 649 00:24:44,234 --> 00:24:46,236 You know what, I'm fuckin' livid! 650 00:24:46,236 --> 00:24:49,156 As a Jew, I'm livid! 651 00:24:49,156 --> 00:24:50,699 You know what? I'm gonna plotz! 652 00:24:50,699 --> 00:24:52,409 I can understand why you're pissed 653 00:24:52,409 --> 00:24:54,536 because something is going on with this Jesus guy. 654 00:24:54,536 --> 00:24:57,039 He's trying to phase out his Judaism. 655 00:24:57,748 --> 00:24:59,291 - Really? - Yeah! 656 00:24:59,291 --> 00:25:00,792 LUKE: Yeah, that fool's up to somethin'. 657 00:25:00,792 --> 00:25:02,753 Yeah, I bet he's gonna grow back his foreskin, too. 658 00:25:02,753 --> 00:25:04,963 What? You can grow back your foreskin? 659 00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:06,798 Fuck yeah, you can do that. My cousin did that. 660 00:25:06,798 --> 00:25:08,509 He put a clothespin on the tip of that shit. 661 00:25:08,509 --> 00:25:09,927 Oh, that's impossible. 662 00:25:09,927 --> 00:25:11,845 No, you gotta tie a string onto the thing, 663 00:25:11,845 --> 00:25:13,972 and then-- and then, you got a weight down there, 664 00:25:13,972 --> 00:25:15,682 and the weight is gonna pull the string off, 665 00:25:15,682 --> 00:25:17,267 and you have to sleep standing up. 666 00:25:17,267 --> 00:25:19,186 - Uh-huh. - Not for me, baby. Not for me. 667 00:25:19,186 --> 00:25:21,647 - Oh, really? Not for you? - Nope. 668 00:25:21,647 --> 00:25:24,274 LUKE: Lotta detail for an innocent man. JUDAS: Wait, he's going to the bathroom. 669 00:25:24,274 --> 00:25:25,359 Do I do a foreskin check? 670 00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:28,529 - Should I go and get cockfirmation? - Yeah. Oh yeah. 671 00:25:28,529 --> 00:25:30,447 Go in there and peep that pecker. PETER: And find out 672 00:25:30,447 --> 00:25:33,742 - how he avoids peeing on the weight. - Yeah. 673 00:25:33,742 --> 00:25:35,953 - Yeah, I've heard that it happens-- - Oh, you've heard that? 674 00:25:35,953 --> 00:25:38,747 No, I've read it in some scrolls! Yes! JUDAS: Oh, you've read it in some scrolls? 675 00:25:38,747 --> 00:25:40,374 Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. [door opens] 676 00:25:41,333 --> 00:25:44,044 [sighs] There he is! JC! 677 00:25:44,044 --> 00:25:46,171 Judas, hey. Hey, I could swear to my dad 678 00:25:46,171 --> 00:25:47,673 - I locked that door. - Oh, yeah? 679 00:25:47,673 --> 00:25:49,925 So, what'd you think of Peter's one-man show? 680 00:25:49,925 --> 00:25:51,385 - [urinating] - Yeah, I liked it, yeah. 681 00:25:51,385 --> 00:25:53,178 I mean, what's not to like? I got free tickets, right? 682 00:25:53,178 --> 00:25:55,264 - Free ticket? Free. - Yeah. 683 00:25:55,264 --> 00:25:56,974 Comped. 684 00:25:56,974 --> 00:25:58,392 [over-enunciated]: Comped. 685 00:25:58,392 --> 00:25:59,768 What does "comped" stand for? 686 00:25:59,768 --> 00:26:01,311 - Complimentary. - Complimentary! 687 00:26:01,979 --> 00:26:04,815 I wish I could be more complimentary of Peter's one-man show. 688 00:26:04,815 --> 00:26:07,609 - [laughs] - Judas. Judge not, lest you be judged. 689 00:26:09,027 --> 00:26:10,696 Not bad. You just come up with that? 690 00:26:10,696 --> 00:26:12,030 Eh... Thanks. 691 00:26:13,365 --> 00:26:16,118 ♪ casual pensive music ♪ 692 00:26:16,118 --> 00:26:19,496 [urinating] [sighs] 693 00:26:19,496 --> 00:26:22,291 Whoa! Hey! Hot piss! Judas, you're pissing on my feet! 694 00:26:22,291 --> 00:26:25,002 - What? No! What? No! - Yes! Yes! 695 00:26:25,002 --> 00:26:27,171 - I was just checking! - Checking what? 696 00:26:27,171 --> 00:26:28,672 Just to get cockfirmation! 697 00:26:28,672 --> 00:26:30,883 Judas, you pissed on my feet! 698 00:26:30,883 --> 00:26:32,885 I gotta go back to the party. 699 00:26:32,885 --> 00:26:34,469 No, you don't-- What-- You-- 700 00:26:34,469 --> 00:26:35,637 - Judas. - Ah, ah, ah! 701 00:26:35,637 --> 00:26:36,930 I know you hear me. 702 00:26:36,930 --> 00:26:38,223 [inhales, blows] 703 00:26:38,223 --> 00:26:39,433 Oh, you just gonna let the blower... 704 00:26:39,433 --> 00:26:41,852 He's gonna blow your hands for 30 seconds. You're just not gonna look at me? 705 00:26:41,852 --> 00:26:43,520 I know you hear me! I am in your head! 706 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:46,106 Sorry, I only have big pieces of silver. Ah. 707 00:26:46,106 --> 00:26:47,566 JESUS: Judas! PETER: Okay, so, 708 00:26:47,566 --> 00:26:49,318 what did you think of my accents? 709 00:26:49,318 --> 00:26:51,486 You didn't take me anywhere. You gotta take someone somewhere-- 710 00:26:51,486 --> 00:26:53,113 Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go... 711 00:26:53,113 --> 00:26:54,781 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Fuck you mean we gotta go? 712 00:26:54,781 --> 00:26:56,909 Judas! What the fuck? 713 00:26:56,909 --> 00:26:58,285 ♪ dramatic music ♪ 714 00:26:58,285 --> 00:27:01,371 You peed on my son's feet? [crowd gasps] 715 00:27:01,371 --> 00:27:03,624 Mother Mary, may I explain? 716 00:27:03,624 --> 00:27:04,666 No, you may not! 717 00:27:04,666 --> 00:27:06,627 I did not not have sex 718 00:27:06,627 --> 00:27:09,213 and give birth in a dirty-ass manger 719 00:27:09,213 --> 00:27:13,008 for you to urinate on the Son of God! 720 00:27:13,008 --> 00:27:15,093 She thinks her son's God? The mother's definitely Jewish. 721 00:27:15,093 --> 00:27:17,304 [forced laugh] Okay! 722 00:27:17,304 --> 00:27:20,057 I want you to get on your knees 723 00:27:20,057 --> 00:27:21,600 and wash his feet. 724 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:24,269 - Ooh. - I don't know. 725 00:27:24,269 --> 00:27:26,772 [laughs] You raggedy bitch. 726 00:27:26,772 --> 00:27:29,316 You want me to wash the pee-pee off of his feet? 727 00:27:29,316 --> 00:27:30,901 - Yes. - That's what you would like? 728 00:27:30,901 --> 00:27:32,861 I just wanna confirm, so we're on the same page here. 729 00:27:32,861 --> 00:27:35,322 - Yes! - Luke, what do you think? 730 00:27:35,322 --> 00:27:37,699 [quietly]: If someone pissed on my fuckin ' sandals, 731 00:27:37,699 --> 00:27:38,992 they wipin' that shit off. 732 00:27:38,992 --> 00:27:40,536 JUDAS: Okay, well, that's a betrayal. 733 00:27:40,536 --> 00:27:43,163 I mean, the guy lays hands on lepers, 734 00:27:43,163 --> 00:27:45,457 and you're worried about a little pee-pee on his feet? 735 00:27:45,457 --> 00:27:48,168 You're really... You're gonna make me do this? 736 00:27:48,168 --> 00:27:51,547 MAN: Do it already! Enough with the talking! 737 00:27:51,547 --> 00:27:55,008 ♪ whimsical music ♪ 738 00:27:55,008 --> 00:27:56,510 It's just feet, they're gross. 739 00:27:56,510 --> 00:27:58,178 Do you guys like-- Anybody here like feet? 740 00:27:58,178 --> 00:28:01,139 Whatever the opposite of a foot fetish is what I have! 741 00:28:01,139 --> 00:28:02,474 Hey, Jesus... 742 00:28:02,474 --> 00:28:05,602 I've sinned... I'm a sinner... JESUS: Mm-hmm. 743 00:28:05,602 --> 00:28:07,104 I'm repenting... 744 00:28:07,104 --> 00:28:09,565 I don't wanna wash your feet... 745 00:28:09,565 --> 00:28:11,608 - [gentle cry] - Rise, my son. 746 00:28:11,608 --> 00:28:12,901 - What? - I forgive you. 747 00:28:12,901 --> 00:28:15,779 - MARY: Uh-uh! - It's okay, Mama. It's okay. 748 00:28:15,779 --> 00:28:17,406 Take back your dirty fuckin' rag. 749 00:28:17,406 --> 00:28:19,950 This is my guy! 750 00:28:19,950 --> 00:28:21,535 Jesus! 751 00:28:21,535 --> 00:28:24,955 This guy, he's not even a guy! This guy's a God! Come here! 752 00:28:24,955 --> 00:28:28,041 [loud kiss, laugh] ROMAN: The kiss is a signal! 753 00:28:28,041 --> 00:28:30,085 That's Jesus! Get him! JUDAS: What? 754 00:28:30,085 --> 00:28:31,128 JESUS: Wait, what? No! 755 00:28:31,128 --> 00:28:33,380 - You betrayed me? Mom! Mom! - No! 756 00:28:33,380 --> 00:28:35,007 Oh! JESUS: Tell my story! 757 00:28:35,007 --> 00:28:38,177 Oh, it was Jesus you were gonna betray! 758 00:28:38,177 --> 00:28:40,137 - [crowd booing] - No, this wasn't a betrayal kiss! 759 00:28:40,137 --> 00:28:43,223 No! This was a thank you kiss, not a betrayal kiss! 760 00:28:43,223 --> 00:28:44,433 Luke! Luke! 761 00:28:44,433 --> 00:28:46,226 You're in trouble! 762 00:28:46,226 --> 00:28:47,769 No! Look at all these feet! 763 00:28:47,769 --> 00:28:51,106 [ Curb theme song playing] Judas Iscariot, forever unclean! 764 00:28:51,106 --> 00:28:52,649 This is too much! [crowd yelling] 765 00:28:53,567 --> 00:28:56,570 ♪ Curb Your Enthusiasm theme continues playing ♪ 766 00:30:06,598 --> 00:30:08,684 - Who is this? - It's your mama. 767 00:30:08,684 --> 00:30:11,103 If you are my mother, what is your last name? 768 00:30:11,687 --> 00:30:13,856 - WATSON: Bell. - It's my mother. That confirms it. 769 00:30:13,856 --> 00:30:16,692 NARRATOR: Tomorrow night, the landmark event continues. 770 00:30:16,692 --> 00:30:18,861 What are we gonna do about Lenin? 771 00:30:18,861 --> 00:30:22,030 I serve sandwiches to Vladimir Lenin and all of his comrades. 772 00:30:22,030 --> 00:30:24,533 I am losing my damn mind. 773 00:30:24,533 --> 00:30:26,785 Jesus Christ! [clucks] 774 00:30:26,785 --> 00:30:30,080 - I've done a really interesting drawing. - Don't they look like penises? 775 00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:32,749 - Whoa, someone wants to sleep with their father. - What?