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MEL BROOKS:
Alexander Graham Bell.
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00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:10,469
In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell
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made the first phone call in history
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00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:17,518
with the help of his assistant,
Mr. Thomas Watson.
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Mr. Watson, come here. I need you.
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It worked! [laughing]
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Huzzah, gentlemen. Congrats to all of us.
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This was a team effort,
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even though I kinda ran point on it.
[phone ringing]
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Watson.
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It's, it's ringing.
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Oh, uh, answer it.
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Hello.
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[deep breathing through phone]
VOICE [on phone]: Hello?
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Who is this?
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VOICE: It's your mama.
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- [all murmuring]
- Mama?
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But my mama has passed on.
Watson! Watson.
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Hm?
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She says it's my mother.
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Well, if she's saying it's your mom,
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I mean, who knows what
this new technology can do.
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Yes, good point. Okay, very well.
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Mama?
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Mama, it’s little Alex. Are you there?
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[high-pitched] Yes.
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[stifled laughter]
It’s your mama!
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Alex, my baby boy.
I am so proud of you.
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Thank you, Mother.
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WATSON: There's only one thing
that could make me more proud.
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Let your mama see that dick.
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- [all murmuring]
- What?
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What did she-- Watson, Watson!
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- Is this you?
- It's not me.
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But it can't-- it cannot be. It can't--
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I don't believe you.
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Whoever this is,
I want you to know something.
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The authorities are being called.
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[normal voice] Oh yeah? Good luck.
They don’t have a fuckin' phone.
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Shit. It is illegal, sir,
to make phone calls of a crank nature.
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WATSON [high-pitched]: You would call
the police on your own dear mother?
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If you are my mother,
what is your last name?
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- WATSON: Bell.
- That's my mother. That confirms it.
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Do me a favor, sweetie.
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- BELL: Anything at all, name it.
- Let your mama see that dick.
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[all murmuring]
Let me see a dick pic.
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[stifled laughter]
BELL: Dick pic? Very well, Mother.
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If it will bring you a modicum of peace.
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WATSON:
Okay. Something tasteful.
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Ah, all right,
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hold on, Mama.
[pants unzipping]
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And here we go.
One and a-two and a-three.
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There it is.
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Can you just do one more thing for me?
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BELL: Anything, Mother.
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Uh, take your pee-pee...
BELL: Yes?
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...and fuck the phone.
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BELL: But it’s my invent--
All right, I, I, I shall do it, Mother.
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Going in.
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[bell ringing]
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Ah! The metal is cold.
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This can't be safe. There's so many wires.
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WATSON: That's impressive.
You're Mama's special little boy.
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BELL:
Thank you, Mommy. I love you, Mommy.
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Ah, don't take a photograph!
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[camera clicks]
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Ah!
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♪ theme music plays ♪
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MEL:
History of the World:
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Part II.
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Previously,
on The Russian Revolution...
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Get your mud pies from me,
Schmuck Mudman!
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All you need to do is add water.
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All I care about is falling in love.
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The idiot Tsar and his parasitic family
have been executed!
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Wee!
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I'm, like, literally dead right now
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because my whole family
is literally dead right now.
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We must go to Moscow
and join the revolution!
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SCHMUCK MUDMAN:
Let’s pack our one bag.
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MEL:
In Moscow, Vladimir Lenin and his top men
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discuss forming the new Soviet Union.
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And if they order lunch, Sov-iet!
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Little bit of cream for you.
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I scream, you scream,
we all scream for goat’s cream?
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Nyet!
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Comrade Lenin, I have an idea
I would love to bounce off you.
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Hey, Stalin, quit stalling
and get me another cup of joe, Joe.
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[laughter]
JOSEPH STALIN: Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
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Comrades, as you all know,
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we won the revolution,
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but the battle is not yet over.
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We must purge the cancerous
elements from within the party
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in a little something
that I’ve been calling
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"The Red Terror."
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- Oh.
- The Red Terror.
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[snapping]
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Comrade Trotsky, you don’t have
to raise your hand. You just proceed.
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Oh, yeah, very well.
[clears throat] Comrade Lenin,
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may I humbly present a design of my own?
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Called "The Crimson Wave."
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How about
the "Bloodiest Time of the Month"?
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VLADIMIR LENIN:
"Aunt Flo’s Coming to Town."
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I think there's still a clear winner.
It’s "Red Terror" 'cause it’s spooky.
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Oh, [laughs]
I, I made one, too. You like?
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[laughter]
LEON TROTSKY: Stalinism?
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What is wrong with you, Jojo?
Just make us coffee, okay?
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Yeah, and keep
the pretty little mouth shut.
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Yes, thank you. Thank you, honey.
[bell ringing]
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Speaking of honey--
LENIN: Oh!
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I've got some sweet and savory treats
for my favorite customers.
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- Hey, there he is. Finally.
- I'm so sorry I'm late.
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We didn’t keep time in the shtetl,
we just kept secrets.
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I have no idea where my wife
went on our wedding night.
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All right, what do we got here?
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Let's see, we got a borscht for Boris,
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a turkey for Trotsky,
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and for our great leader,
a bagel and schmear for Vladimir.
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What about my pickled herring?
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My herring has yet to pickle
and it is my great shame.
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- Ah.
- And last, but definitely least,
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don't think I forgot, a celery soda!
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- Celery soda for Stalin.
- That's all I get for lunch?
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Aww, I'm just joe-king.
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- [all laughing]
- Oh, I thought--
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I got a stew for Stalin.
What a weak fuckin’ loser, huh?
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- Not strong man material.
- No, this, this guy rules.
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TROTSKY: Yeah.
LENIN: This Schmuck.
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Oh! Speaking of rules,
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we all must wash our hands before we eat.
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♪ Russian music playing ♪
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We all... walkin' in a line? All right.
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♪ melancholy music playing ♪
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♪ Someday ♪
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♪ The world won’t mock
my shy and timid ways ♪
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♪ The people will all
lavish me with praise ♪
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♪ Someday I shall rule this land ♪
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♪ With kindness, love, and light ♪
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♪ With open hearts and open minds ♪
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♪ Our future will shine bright ♪
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♪ The masses will adore me ♪
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♪ As together we stand taaall ♪
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♪ And if not, then there's plan B ♪
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♪ I'll rip out their fucking hearts
and devour them ♪
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♪ One and aaall ♪
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♪ Someday ♪
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[thundering]
MEL: Noah’s Ark.
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♪ intense music plays ♪
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[heavy breathing]
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HAM: I think that's everything.
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Where's father?
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Uh, Noah's probably inside
with all the animals.
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Now, we must ignore those
who say that father has lost his mind.
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I said it. I said he's lost his mind.
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He's built a giant boat
because God told him the world was ending?
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- It's kinda nuts.
- In his defense, it's pouring outside.
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What, it's the rainy season, Ham!
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Sarah, Father knows what he's doing.
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Hey, guys. How's it goin'?
[thundering]
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Oh, Father, excellent.
You have the dogs.
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And wherest are the rest of the animals?
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’re in here.
Come check 'em out.
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[indistinct chatter]
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Heh?
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[barking]
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Soak it in.
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HAM: Father, what's going on?
Where are the other beasts?
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I thought you were supposed
to get two of every animal?
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I did get two of every animal.
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I got two chihuahuas,
I got two Pekingeses, two pugs.
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Actually, I got three pugs.
Don't tell God.
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I think I'm gonna take
my chances with the flood.
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- No, no, no. Sarah, Sarah, wait--
- Yes.
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Sarah's right. This is kinda stupid.
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- You're kinda stupid.
- Father!
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It was a stupid thing to say!
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Ham, did you bring my special bag?
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Yes, Father. As you asked.
NOAH: Pass it over, Ham.
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I almost died bringing it to you.
NOAH: Thank you, Ham.
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All right you little monsters,
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- have at it! Go crazy!
- Oh, my God.
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Oh my--
NOAH: Get it! [laughs]
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JAPETH: This is bananas.
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No, this is Bananas. She's a rescue.
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And what are we to eat?
No goats or eggs or chickens?
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I knew you would ask that
and I came with what I know will be
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a unanimously beloved solution.
JAPETH/SARAH: Great.
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We eat Sarah.
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- My wifeth?
- Your wifeth!
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00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:28,735
Oh, you just try to eat me,
you fucking bitch!
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I will try.
JAPETH: Enough.
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00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:32,614
God gave you a mission
and you failed him.
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Look, here's the deal.
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We're gonna be on this boat,
per God, for 40 days and 40 nights.
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00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:38,829
Do you wanna spend that time
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00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:41,164
getting sprayed in the face
with hippopotamus shit?
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00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:44,877
Gettin' bit by two of every bug?
With tigers and lions?
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00:09:44,877 --> 00:09:46,962
How long would we last with a tiger here?
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00:09:46,962 --> 00:09:49,256
What I wanna do is spend the next
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00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:53,760
month and 10 days
snuggling with these little babies.
201
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:57,639
We cannot live in a world
where the only animals are tiny dogs.
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00:09:57,639 --> 00:10:00,601
I mean, what are we
supposed to do with this
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00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:04,771
absolutely adorable little cuddle monster?
204
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:08,942
Oh, I hope God invents a tuxedo,
so you can be a formal little gentleman.
205
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,904
I think I got a senior dog,
but senior dogs need love, too.
206
00:10:11,904 --> 00:10:14,990
This little mister is gonna be
sleepin' in the bed tonight.
207
00:10:14,990 --> 00:10:17,159
- O-kay!
- And for Sarah.
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00:10:17,159 --> 00:10:18,911
No, no, no, no. I’d rather not.
209
00:10:18,911 --> 00:10:21,955
- What do you mean? Take him.
- I'm actually more of a cat person.
210
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,749
[thundering]
211
00:10:23,749 --> 00:10:26,210
[dogs barking]
212
00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:27,628
[growls]
213
00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:32,925
You know, your wife is gamier
than I thought she would be.
214
00:10:32,925 --> 00:10:36,094
It's crazy that we ate Sarah
and not the guy named "Ham."
215
00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:39,097
[laughs] I didn't even think of that.
[all laughing]
216
00:10:42,935 --> 00:10:46,480
MEL:
Previously on The Civil War...
217
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,943
I have every soldier
on orders to deny you alcohol.
218
00:10:50,943 --> 00:10:53,654
[both groaning]
GENERAL GRANT: Oh, hello, Daddy.
219
00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:54,655
- Hey!
- Ah!
220
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:57,449
What you doin'
with a dirty Union greenback?
221
00:10:57,449 --> 00:11:01,286
We hate everything.
But most of all, Yankees.
222
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:08,418
GENERAL PHILIP SHERIDAN:
The Southern Army is on its last legs.
223
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:10,671
We have General Lee
and his men pinned down.
224
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:14,007
He will surrender, but he'll
only surrender to General Grant
225
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,051
because Lee is a starfucker.
226
00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:19,388
Now, General Grant was last seen
heading towards the hamlet of Rock Ridge.
227
00:11:19,388 --> 00:11:21,431
- Oh--
- Not that one.
228
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,684
Now this Rock Ridge,
the one we're talking about here,
229
00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:24,726
is in West Virginia,
230
00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:26,353
and that's Confederate Territory,
231
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:29,356
which is why you three gentlemen,
the most expendable ones we have,
232
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,900
have been tasked with finding the General
and bringing him back here.
233
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,861
Search every saloon in Rock Ridge.
234
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:34,862
Dismissed!
235
00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,700
God, he's so dismissive.
236
00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:45,789
PRIVATE MASON DIXON:
No, no, no, when he said "dismissed,"
it means we can leave.
237
00:11:45,789 --> 00:11:46,665
He's not bein' rude.
238
00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:50,419
Oh, okay, 'cause I felt very
disrespected there for a second.
239
00:11:50,419 --> 00:11:52,462
Anyway, I'm Lieutenant Henry Honeybeard.
240
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:54,756
- Mason Dixon, nice to meet you.
- Mason Dixon?
241
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:56,592
Yeah, my dad's from Florida,
my mom's from New York.
242
00:11:56,592 --> 00:12:00,596
- Oh, and you are?
- Uncomfortable with introductions.
243
00:12:01,013 --> 00:12:03,015
But my shrink says I have to try.
244
00:12:03,015 --> 00:12:05,851
Uh, you can do this.
SOLDIER: Right away, sir.
245
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:07,895
I’m Mingoes.
246
00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:10,772
That was harder than I thought.
247
00:12:11,315 --> 00:12:12,816
Well, I don’t know about you guys,
248
00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:15,652
but I thought it was pretty neat
that he called us "expendable."
249
00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:16,945
I've never been called that before.
250
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:18,780
I don't think you know
what expendable means.
251
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,657
I think the word
you're thinkin' of is "exceptional."
252
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:23,785
As in, "I went to an exceptional
school in Boston."
253
00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:26,788
- We get it, you went to Harvard.
- Boston University, actually.
254
00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:28,957
Majored in stage design,
minored in the banjo.
255
00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:32,002
What?! I play the bugle.
I’m the bugle boy of company B.
256
00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:34,546
No way! We could start a band!
Mingoes, do you play anything?
257
00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:38,258
No. I do a little
observational comedy, but that’s it.
258
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,301
Can we hear some?
259
00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:40,761
PRIVATE MINGOES:
I only do it when I'm alone.
260
00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:42,888
- Really? Why?
- Thought of doing it in front of anyone
261
00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:45,891
makes me physically-- Ah, shit, ill.
262
00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:50,812
Okay, well... even though
I am the ranking officer,
263
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:51,897
I’m not gonna force you.
264
00:12:51,897 --> 00:12:54,316
You're only the ranking officer
because you're white.
265
00:12:54,316 --> 00:12:55,776
Oh, snap.
266
00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:57,361
- That is a good observation.
- Yeah.
267
00:12:57,361 --> 00:12:59,738
All righty, Dixon,
which way to West Virginia?
268
00:12:59,738 --> 00:13:04,368
Well, if I remember correctly,
West Virginia is to the left of Virginia.
269
00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:08,705
Okay, I’m a righty, so this way?
270
00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:11,166
But my left is pointing this way.
271
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:12,835
Turn around.
272
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:14,336
Oh.
273
00:13:15,379 --> 00:13:17,381
See, now we’re the same direction.
274
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,132
- Shall we?
- Oh, yeah.
275
00:13:20,551 --> 00:13:22,761
DIXON:
Okay, who ate all the cheeseballs?
276
00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:25,389
LIEUTENANT HENRY HONEYBEARD:
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know
those were for sharing.
277
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:32,437
MEL:
Meanwhile, back in Moscow.
278
00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:38,151
Look, we need to start a revolution
against the Revolution.
279
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,321
Lenin is gonna purge
every card-carrying Bolshevik.
280
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:45,075
Sorry... this whole time
I thought we were the Bolsheviks.
281
00:13:45,075 --> 00:13:49,621
No, no, you idiot. We’re the Mensheviks.
And proud of it, excuse me.
282
00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:52,916
No, we’re the harmonizin' R&B group
Bolsheviks II Mensheviks.
283
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,627
ALL: ♪ I’ll make borscht for you ♪
284
00:13:55,627 --> 00:14:00,632
No, no. We are the SRs.
We're the social revolutionaries.
285
00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:01,675
Let's put a vote to it.
286
00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:03,594
Let us first vote on what
we wanna vote about.
287
00:14:03,594 --> 00:14:04,428
Are women voting?
288
00:14:04,428 --> 00:14:05,762
SERGEI: Women will be voting.
NATALIA: What about Jews?
289
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:07,472
- We're all Jews, so--
- People under 5’5"?
290
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:08,891
- SERGEI: No, well--
- Enough!
291
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:12,186
We voted enough. It's time for action.
292
00:14:12,186 --> 00:14:15,147
[all cheering, applauding]
[bell ringing]
293
00:14:15,147 --> 00:14:19,568
Oh, thank you, thank you!
Not necessary, but thank you.
294
00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:22,654
Fanny, why didn't you tell me we were
gonna have all these stinky socialists
295
00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:24,448
in our new Moscow apartment?
296
00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:27,534
- I would've soured some extra cream.
- Who’s this schlub?
297
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:30,245
Oh, no, Schlub Mudman
is my dead brother,
298
00:14:30,245 --> 00:14:32,414
may his memory be a bleching.
299
00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:35,209
No, my name is Schmuck Mudman. Hello.
300
00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:37,085
He’s nobody, he’s my husband.
301
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:40,297
Your misery looks familiar to me.
Are we from the same shtetl?
302
00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:43,217
No. I get this all the time,
but I’m a miserable city Jew.
303
00:14:43,217 --> 00:14:46,678
- Oh, okay.
- Now, what are we gonna do about Lenin?!
304
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:49,848
Lenin? Vlad? Vlad Lenin?
Is that who you’re talkin' about?
305
00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:51,141
Yeah, Vlad Lenin.
306
00:14:51,141 --> 00:14:55,103
Oh, well, I serve sandwiches
to Vladimir Lenin and all of his comrades
307
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:58,524
every day at their office
where they remain completely unguarded.
308
00:14:58,524 --> 00:15:00,150
[all gasping]
309
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:04,446
Well, you’re all looking at me
with a murderous hunger.
310
00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:08,617
[gasps] You must be famished.
Let me make you some something to eat.
311
00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:10,077
Joshy?!
312
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,788
♪ sensual music plays ♪
313
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:15,207
[whistles]
314
00:15:15,207 --> 00:15:18,293
It's like we're twins, right?
This is my son.
315
00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:20,712
- Joshy, show everyone your abs.
- Come on.
316
00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:24,633
Joshy, please. Look at this! Ooh!
[kisses]
317
00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:27,594
We could wash underwear
on these abs, and we have.
318
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,179
Calm down. Sit down now.
319
00:15:29,179 --> 00:15:31,807
Joshy, I want you to go
to Mrs. Federov’s chicken coop
320
00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:33,809
and get me one perfect egg,
321
00:15:33,809 --> 00:15:37,437
so that I can make my famous
one-egg omelette, all right?
322
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,063
All right.
323
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:40,065
- All right, I love you, son.
- I love you.
324
00:15:40,065 --> 00:15:43,360
Okay! You guys enjoy your little kibitz,
325
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,989
and I’m gonna go to the kitchen
and make a ton of noise!
326
00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:51,577
[cookware clanking]
One-egg! Omelette!
327
00:15:51,577 --> 00:15:53,579
I think we have our in.
328
00:15:53,579 --> 00:15:56,999
[Schmuck shouting]
[revolutionaries agreeing]
329
00:16:02,171 --> 00:16:04,798
MEL: Sigmund Freud.
330
00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:09,970
SIGMUND FREUD:
The human brain is the most
exquisite machine ever built,
331
00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:12,181
and I'm here to help you explore it.
332
00:16:14,433 --> 00:16:15,434
Hello.
333
00:16:16,268 --> 00:16:22,274
I am Sigmund Freud
and this is my "Mommyclass."
334
00:16:22,608 --> 00:16:23,609
[chuckles]
335
00:16:24,902 --> 00:16:27,905
"Masterclass." What?!
336
00:16:27,905 --> 00:16:31,783
I will give you the tools you need
to understand not only your own mind,
337
00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:34,453
but also the mind behind your mind.
338
00:16:34,453 --> 00:16:36,955
You’re simply ashamed of your tiny penis.
339
00:16:36,955 --> 00:16:38,373
I just want to quit smoking.
340
00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:41,710
Quit smoking? What? Why? Smoking’s cool.
341
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,755
You’ll also have access
to never-before-seen footage
342
00:16:44,755 --> 00:16:46,423
from my personal archives.
343
00:16:46,423 --> 00:16:48,884
Shared without my patients' permission.
344
00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:52,429
I've done a... really interesting drawing.
345
00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:55,724
It’s of you and me.
And we’re two eggplants.
346
00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:57,726
Don’t they look a little like penises?
347
00:16:57,726 --> 00:17:00,062
Whoa, someone wants
to sleep with their father.
348
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,021
What?!
349
00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:03,649
FREUD: I will also teach you
some tricks of the trade
350
00:17:03,649 --> 00:17:06,693
that will allow you to focus
and keep your mind sharp.
351
00:17:08,403 --> 00:17:10,405
Ooh, shit!
352
00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:13,825
- Ever heard of cocaine?
- No. What does it do?
353
00:17:13,825 --> 00:17:16,662
Ah, just makes you super fucking human.
354
00:17:16,662 --> 00:17:17,913
Sure.
355
00:17:17,913 --> 00:17:20,832
FREUD:
In just 477 classes,
356
00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:24,002
ranging in lengths
from 30 seconds to three days,
357
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:27,798
I will help you unlock the mysteries
of the human condition
358
00:17:27,798 --> 00:17:30,175
and clean the fuck out of my apartment.
359
00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:31,969
What if we fuckin' start a restaurant?
360
00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:35,055
- Oh, shit! Now you're talking.
- Dude!
361
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:38,058
Guys, I'm gonna teach you
all of this shit, okay?
362
00:17:38,517 --> 00:17:41,603
So, join me for my "Masturbates."
363
00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:43,272
Cla-- "Masterclass."
364
00:17:43,522 --> 00:17:48,610
That was what, what we call
classic "Sigmund Slip."
365
00:17:50,988 --> 00:17:53,991
MEL:
Now back to The Civil War.
366
00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:59,913
Somewhere in Virginia,
the search party continues to search,
367
00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:02,165
and badly, I might add.
368
00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:04,376
MINGOES:
Where in the white devil are we?
369
00:18:04,376 --> 00:18:06,253
Nah, I-I'm startin' to think we're lost.
370
00:18:06,253 --> 00:18:09,339
What gives you that idea?
Is it 'cause we’re in a damn cave?!
371
00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:10,966
[strange noises]
ALL: Ah!
372
00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:12,926
How did we end up underground?
373
00:18:13,844 --> 00:18:15,470
DIXON: What is that noise?
374
00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:17,472
[indistinct chatter]
375
00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:21,852
Um, what the hell is this?
376
00:18:21,852 --> 00:18:24,855
- Do we just jump over it?
- Yeah. You two first.
377
00:18:27,858 --> 00:18:31,862
MINGOES: Is this Grant's tomb?
DIXON: If it is, then we blew it.
378
00:18:36,825 --> 00:18:39,328
General Grant, are ya in here?
[gun cocks]
379
00:18:39,328 --> 00:18:42,080
- Hands up where I can see 'em.
- Ahh.
380
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,082
Good gravy, it’s Harriet Tubman!
381
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:50,881
Right, Harriet Tubman,
the inventor of the tub, I wanna say?
382
00:18:52,216 --> 00:18:54,718
How did these dumbasses enslave us?
383
00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:56,428
She created the Underground Railroad,
384
00:18:56,428 --> 00:18:58,305
which I thought was
a network of small groups
385
00:18:58,305 --> 00:19:00,307
moving stealthily around
the country to escape slavery,
386
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:02,142
but, yeah, no, this is a railroad.
387
00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:04,102
Yeah, it's a railroad,
388
00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:06,146
and you fellas jumped the turnstile.
389
00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:07,064
Pay up.
390
00:19:07,064 --> 00:19:09,566
Uh, how much are we talkin'?
391
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:13,445
Well, if you're a slave it's free,
but if you're free, 20 bucks.
392
00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:15,572
What if my uncle happens to be a slave?
393
00:19:15,572 --> 00:19:18,492
Is there, like,
a friends and family thing you have?
394
00:19:18,492 --> 00:19:20,536
- Twenty bucks.
- Okay.
395
00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:25,916
These are the only
Andrew Jacksons I like.
396
00:19:25,916 --> 00:19:29,753
I gotta say, this place is amazing.
Did you build this yourself?
397
00:19:29,753 --> 00:19:32,965
Yeah, we built most
of the infrastructure in this country.
398
00:19:32,965 --> 00:19:35,717
What? Surprised we made somethin' for us?
399
00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:39,429
No, no, I-- No, I-I mean
you could do whatever you want.
400
00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:41,265
I, I think it's great, um.
401
00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:44,351
Oh God, what am I,
what am I feeling here, guys?
402
00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:45,853
- BOTH: White guilt.
- Gotcha.
403
00:19:45,853 --> 00:19:47,521
Hey, c-can you guys help me process it?
404
00:19:47,521 --> 00:19:48,355
BOTH: No.
405
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:50,732
Yeah, let him work
that shit out on his own.
406
00:19:50,732 --> 00:19:51,775
Word.
407
00:19:51,775 --> 00:19:55,320
If you want a ride to Canada,
the train'll be here in three minutes.
408
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,573
Oh, that's great. We're actually
trying to get to Rock Ridge.
409
00:19:57,573 --> 00:19:58,949
I can't tell you why though
410
00:19:58,949 --> 00:20:00,742
- because it is a top-secret mission.
- It’s to find General Grant
411
00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:03,537
and Abe Lincoln’s son and get them back,
so we can end the war.
412
00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:09,084
Well, you seem like smart fellas,
so you do know that Rock Ridge
413
00:20:09,084 --> 00:20:11,712
is in the other direction
from where you came from?
414
00:20:11,712 --> 00:20:15,007
I don’t know about that.
We were coming from the right, so.
415
00:20:15,716 --> 00:20:17,301
Uh-huh.
416
00:20:17,301 --> 00:20:20,679
J-Just go through this door,
change platforms,
417
00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:23,056
take the crosstown R to Rock Ridge.
418
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:25,350
If you hit Florida, you’re fucked.
419
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:26,768
- Get outta here.
- Okay.
420
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,270
I’m a huge fan of your work, by the way.
421
00:20:28,270 --> 00:20:30,981
I meant everything I said
about how cool-- Never mind.
422
00:20:30,981 --> 00:20:33,775
Ugh, 200 years of this shit.
423
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:37,196
[train passing]
424
00:20:37,196 --> 00:20:38,614
We missed the train!
425
00:20:38,614 --> 00:20:41,241
You just had to get a slice, didn’t you?
426
00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:50,125
MEL:
Meanwhile, back in Moscow.
427
00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:59,092
Hi. I’m Josh, Schmuck Mudman’s son.
428
00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:02,763
There’s no way you’re
Schmuck Mudman’s son.
429
00:21:02,763 --> 00:21:04,431
Can I buy one egg, please?
430
00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:05,766
Get it yourself.
431
00:21:05,766 --> 00:21:10,062
The last time I went in there,
the rooster ate off my last pinky.
432
00:21:10,062 --> 00:21:11,271
What happened to your other pinky?
433
00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:15,526
[sighs] I ate it. Mind your business!
434
00:21:15,526 --> 00:21:17,152
[clucking]
435
00:21:18,362 --> 00:21:23,367
Hey, guys! It's your girl, Anastasia,
hashtag last Romanov!
436
00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:26,370
Um, as you all know, my family
was killed in the revolution,
437
00:21:26,370 --> 00:21:30,791
so I’m hiding from, yeah, everybody,
except for you guys, my loyal followers.
438
00:21:30,791 --> 00:21:32,459
Um, so, today I’m super excited
439
00:21:32,459 --> 00:21:35,087
because I’m talking to you
about my new lifestyle brand "Coop."
440
00:21:35,087 --> 00:21:37,339
So, yeah! Let me know what you think.
441
00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:39,216
Cluck, comment, subscribe.
The whole thing.
442
00:21:39,216 --> 00:21:41,385
Okay, war and peace! [laughs]
443
00:21:42,386 --> 00:21:43,720
Um, I'm sorry to interrupt,
444
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:45,681
but... who are you?
445
00:21:45,931 --> 00:21:49,560
Oh, I'm Princess Anastasia,
the heir to the Romanov dynast--
446
00:21:49,893 --> 00:21:53,981
I mean... I'm... poor shit person.
447
00:21:53,981 --> 00:21:54,815
No!
448
00:21:55,232 --> 00:21:57,234
You're the woman from the newspaper!
449
00:21:57,234 --> 00:21:59,111
That was a blind item
and I deny everything.
450
00:22:00,362 --> 00:22:02,990
You’re the most beautiful
woman I’ve ever seen.
451
00:22:03,699 --> 00:22:06,243
- Ah!
- And I’ve seen, like, 30 people.
452
00:22:06,243 --> 00:22:09,621
Wow... Yeah, you're crazy hot, too.
453
00:22:09,621 --> 00:22:14,251
And you're tall, but you're not like
a weird basketball player tall, yeah.
454
00:22:14,251 --> 00:22:16,378
I think I'm fucking
falling in love with you.
455
00:22:16,378 --> 00:22:18,172
[chicken clucks]
[screams]
456
00:22:20,674 --> 00:22:23,260
No! It can never be.
457
00:22:23,635 --> 00:22:26,263
I'm the most wanted
person in this country.
458
00:22:27,139 --> 00:22:28,557
And you're a Jew.
459
00:22:28,557 --> 00:22:31,560
♪ melancholy music playing ♪
460
00:22:35,189 --> 00:22:38,650
- ♪ Someday ♪
- ♪ Someday ♪
461
00:22:38,650 --> 00:22:44,656
BOTH: ♪ The world won't judge us
for who we are inside ♪
462
00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:48,285
♪ They'll only see our surface beauty ♪
463
00:22:48,285 --> 00:22:52,414
♪ And every heart will open wide ♪
464
00:22:52,414 --> 00:22:55,709
♪ They'll ignore
your family's heinous past ♪
465
00:22:55,709 --> 00:22:59,254
♪ And see just your dimpled chin ♪
466
00:22:59,254 --> 00:23:03,133
♪ And your chiseled jawline
will define you ♪
467
00:23:03,133 --> 00:23:06,595
♪ Not your missing foreskin ♪
468
00:23:06,595 --> 00:23:10,682
BOTH: ♪ Someday, someday ♪
469
00:23:10,682 --> 00:23:13,310
♪ I will make history ♪
470
00:23:13,310 --> 00:23:15,437
♪ With a plot ruthless and daring ♪
471
00:23:15,437 --> 00:23:17,648
♪ They'll love me as a hottie ♪
472
00:23:17,648 --> 00:23:19,942
♪ Someday I'll wow the world ♪
473
00:23:19,942 --> 00:23:22,277
♪ With my lox and pickled herring ♪
474
00:23:22,277 --> 00:23:24,571
♪ They’ll see only my perfect body ♪
475
00:23:24,571 --> 00:23:27,533
♪ I'll win the hearts of every ♪
476
00:23:27,533 --> 00:23:29,076
♪ Artist and free thinker ♪
477
00:23:29,076 --> 00:23:31,578
♪ I'll purge the land of evil ♪
478
00:23:31,578 --> 00:23:37,584
♪ I'll finally find the nerve
to eat another finger ♪
479
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:41,839
ALL: ♪ Someday, someday,
someday, someday ♪
480
00:23:41,839 --> 00:23:47,427
♪ Maybe tomorrooow ♪
481
00:23:47,427 --> 00:23:48,428
You know what? Tomorrow's no good.
482
00:23:48,428 --> 00:23:50,305
- What about the day after?
- I got a doctor's appointment!
483
00:23:50,305 --> 00:23:52,099
- I've already moved it twice!
- Uh, you know,
484
00:23:52,099 --> 00:23:55,561
- I got mani-pedi and delousing.
- Tuesday's good for me.
485
00:23:55,561 --> 00:23:58,355
- Yeah, see, I can't do Tuesday.
- No. Maybe next week
486
00:23:58,355 --> 00:23:59,773
or the following week.
487
00:23:59,773 --> 00:24:01,692
I’ll start a Kugel Invite, okay?
488
00:24:01,692 --> 00:24:03,694
♪
489
00:25:04,755 --> 00:25:07,758
[fanfare]