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{\an8}
Ladies and gentlemen,
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{\an8}please welcome to
the stage Mr. Rhys Darby.
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Woo! Come on
Galway! Yeah! Woo!
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Good evening!
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Well,
thanks for that.
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Do we have any Kiwis in?
Yeah!
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Good. I knew
we'd have two.
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Australians?
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Yeah!
- Ah, two. Good.
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No? All right,
good. How did you get in,
by the way? What was the...
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Locals?
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Yeah, good, good.
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Everybody else?
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Good,
good.
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That's everyone.
Good. That covers everyone.
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So here I am.
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Galway. Wow,
why? Why?
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I've got your
favorite color on.
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You'll
be happy with that.
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Uh, so,
yeah. Why Galway?
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Well, well,
I'm from New Zealand
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but now I live
in Los Angeles.
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Not because I want to,
but when you're this talented...
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Okay,
gotta go.
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The gravy train.
Just covered in gravy.
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I don't want to be there,
but it's you know...
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it's for me, being
from little old New Zealand,
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which is similar
to little old Ireland,
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I think it's,
you know,
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certainly a shift to get
used to Big America as it is,
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and some of you that have,
that have been there,
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you know the
striking differences.
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I'm not going to go
through all of them now
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because there's
over 800 differences.
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But for me,
like you guys in Galway,
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like a good
walking city like this,
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I'm from Auckland,
New Zealand, similar thing.
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I like to walk around,
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New
Zealanders are walkers,
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you know,
I'm sure the Irish are as well.
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And Los Angeles,
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not so much.
Not really a walker's paradise.
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Very car heavy.
They made the movie {\an8}Cars in LA.
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It's a Los Angeles film, {\an8}
Cars.
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Cars who acted
in the {\an8}Cars movie.
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They're all cars. It's all about cars,
talking cars and cars made it.
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So,
I don't know how they did it,
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but that's LA.
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And in New Zealand, we
like to walk for a few reasons,
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mainly because we
can't afford petrol these days,
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but also
because you can walk it,
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you know, on a long weekend,
you could walk New Zealand.
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And,
so we do that
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and we also,
I have found, walk fast.
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We're a fast-paced walker.
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The Kiwi,
he walks with a purpose,
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because we're
going somewhere.
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We're not
walking for the hell of it.
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So I'm in LA,
I'm looking,
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it took me a few years to
find a place that had footpaths,
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for a start, or sidewalks,
as they fucking call them.
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In America,
sidewalk. It's a sidewalk.
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It's not a sidewalk,
it's a footpath.
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You put your feet on it,
and it's a path.
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That's a sidewalk, motherfucker,
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I don't know why
I did that at the end.
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I got a bit LA there.
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Always put a bit of...
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If you're going
to do the sidewalk
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always put a
bit of that in it.
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Quite an old gun too.
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Not a modern one.
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Who the fuck are
using those ones now?
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What are those ones?
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It doesn't even have a trigger,
you've only got...
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I've designed a
gun but you got to hit it.
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You've got to...
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Well, maybe they
just... Stop shooting!
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Stop shooting people,
America!
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I don't know
what it's about.
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Could be political.
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So I'm walking...
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So,
I'm walking here.
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I've found an area
which has footpaths,
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and I'm walking along,
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and you'd be surprised because America,
with such big everything-ness,
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the roads,
obviously, very large.
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You know,
there's the neighbors.
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But their footpaths,
or sidewalks, as they call them,
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Not wide. I think because
no one's really using them.
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But the odd guy
that is using them,
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I've noticed
Americans walk very slowly.
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And so they're sort of
developed this kind of thing.
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That's kind of the...
I think it's called the mosey,
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you know,
and it's...
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It's kind of... And the swagger
is another one of these,
you know that kind of...
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So that's the sort of...
That's how they go there.
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That's pretty much exactly
how Americans walk, you know?
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A lot of
shoulder-based walking.
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Not much
happening down here.
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Very,
very up here.
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I don't... Stop that.
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Can't you push
those fuckers out?
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Get the...
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Not too far,
you know?
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You don't
want to go that way,
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but I mean,
at least, at least go faster
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because I think... I just don't
know why they're doing that.
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It's kind of like, I guess
they're just getting fresh air.
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But in New Zealand,
when we walk,
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we're fucking... We've
gotta go. We're going somewhere.
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Where's he going?
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I'm going to work.
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Oh, hello,
work. And so...
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So I come across
these moseys quite quickly
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on the footpath there,
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and they can,
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they can hear me coming
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because
they're kind of doing this
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and I can tell they
can hear my pitter-patter
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because the
head sort of goes...
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Something's coming.
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Because it's me,
because I've started
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and I know I've
got to pass them.
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And so I do a
thing now where,
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and I've developed it
from a cycling tradition.
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Where you know,
when you're riding your bike
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and you're going to pass someone
or there's someone in the way
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and you've got to go
"Approaching on your right."
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You know, sometimes
you don't even have a bell.
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"Approaching",
you know?
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So I do that as a walker
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in my
neighborhood in Los Angeles.
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So I'll come up, "Approaching
on your right, please."
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So they're hearing that,
this guy is like,
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Because that's what they hear,
"What the fuck's that?"
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"Is that a mosquito?"
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It's not. It's me.
It's me coming up.
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And they do kind of move,
you know, once they hear it.
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But if they don't,
and you've got to do that thing
where you sort of...
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"Thank you." You know,
you got to do that
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walking-past movement.
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And then just
throw 'em a thumbs-up.
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You know, just...
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"Well,
he threw me the thumbs up.
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"I guess he's
all right. Adios."
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That's what I've been doing,
walking in my neighborhood,
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loving it.
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Mainly just doing
a lot of walking lately.
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That's why I
wrote that bit.
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00:08:07,748 --> 00:08:12,013
But you're probably thinking,
"So why? Why is he here now
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"in Galway, so many years after
he originally came to Galway?"
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I think
nearly 15 years ago.
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Well, it's because I felt like
I'd seen it all then, and...
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and then I
started to forget about it.
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I thought,
I should go back there.
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I've forgotten
what that place is like...
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It's not that.
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I have been touring
stand-up all over the place.
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But in the last
few years I haven't,
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I've been slowing
down and doing less comedy.
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And it's
because my dear mom,
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she was
getting sick and sick,
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and I just wasn't
feeling very funny anymore.
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And so the last three years,
I was kind of very concerned
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with my mom and then
unfortunately, she passed away.
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2016 dear old Barbara Darby,
Barbie Darby.
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Yeah, the host of the annual
darby barbie, Barbie Darby...
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00:09:08,722 --> 00:09:14,554
Drifted off into the sky, and
that hit me like a wet sausage.
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I didn't know what to do.
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Mom had gone, and I kind
of knew it was going to happen.
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But she was my number one,
and I loved her so much.
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Dad wasn't so
much in the picture
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so for me,
I was very mom-heavy.
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And so when she did pass, I
was like, "okay", I didn't even,
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I couldn't even see,
you know, the casket.
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I mean,
I could see the casket.
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"I'm not even looking at the
casket!" I could see the casket.
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I didn't want to see
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who was inside
that. I couldn't believe it.
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I wanted to block it out.
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I've never had to
grieve before in my life.
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And so I just, after the
funeral I went back to LA
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and I got my head
straight back into just working.
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Just taking anything to keep my
mind off of my mom,
that she had left.
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And so I took auditions.
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00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:03,515
I have a good
agent in the States,
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00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:05,343
and so I'm very
lucky to sort of take,
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00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:08,869
get into the rooms of
some quite big production ideas.
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And I didn't really... my
head wasn't where it should be
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and I wasn't
really concentrating.
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00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:19,662
I took any audition, and
one I took was the {\an8}Westworld.
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00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:22,099
You've probably heard of
this. Who's heard of {\an8}Westworld?
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00:10:22,143 --> 00:10:25,320
It's, it's a pretty cool show
on HBO. I'd never heard of it.
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00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:27,496
But at this stage,
I was in the taxi
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00:10:27,539 --> 00:10:29,193
on the way to the
audition when I was kind of
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00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:31,065
looking at the bit of paper,
you know?
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00:10:31,108 --> 00:10:32,719
Not very prepared,
I know,
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00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:35,069
but I just did
see in the synopsis
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00:10:35,112 --> 00:10:37,114
it said "cowboy robots".
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00:10:37,158 --> 00:10:42,380
So I thought, well, could be in
with a chance there, you know?
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00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:46,167
So this is what
happened. I got in there.
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00:10:46,210 --> 00:10:47,429
I didn't read
anything more about it.
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00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:48,517
I thought I'd just,
you know,
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00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,737
got in and the
guy goes "Next."
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00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,260
And so I came
through the door.
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00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:53,261
Here is my audition.
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00:10:54,044 --> 00:10:55,785
I came through the door.
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00:11:40,787 --> 00:11:41,744
Thank you.
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00:11:47,097 --> 00:11:48,490
Thank you, Galway.
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00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:51,275
If only you were there
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00:11:54,757 --> 00:11:57,499
But that didn't
happen on the day.
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00:11:57,542 --> 00:11:59,762
I mean,
I did all that.
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00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:06,377
And at the end of it,
after my head tilt and my
revolver blow...
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00:12:07,770 --> 00:12:11,295
there was a pause,
and then the guy just went "No."
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00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:16,257
But why did
he wait till then?
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00:12:17,954 --> 00:12:20,827
I mean, fuck. He
could have done it way earlier
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00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:22,480
as I came
through the door.
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00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:27,311
"No." "No" would
have been good there.
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00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:30,793
"No." "Oh,
thank you. Sorry."
223
00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:32,752
"No idea what
I'm... Thank you."
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00:12:34,014 --> 00:12:35,798
But there was no,
"No." There was nothing.
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00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:38,758
So I came through. I did
my big adjustment of the turn.
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00:12:40,324 --> 00:12:42,152
Could have been a
"No" anywhere there.
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00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:43,763
That took
about five minutes.
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00:12:45,025 --> 00:12:47,636
Did my... you know,
all that kind of stuff.
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00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:49,333
There was still nothing.
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00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:50,682
He's just
looking at me like this.
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00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:54,382
And I'm thinking,
God, he's amazed.
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00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:59,256
So,
I'm coming at them now.
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00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:02,172
And by the way, this
walk here is half what it was.
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00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:03,391
It was a very big hall.
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00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:08,135
It was about 13,
14 meters and I...
236
00:13:08,178 --> 00:13:10,050
and I'm just
walking towards him.
237
00:13:12,966 --> 00:13:15,316
"No" anywhere
there could have been...
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00:13:15,359 --> 00:13:18,275
I'd be happy with.
But I didn't receive it.
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00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:22,453
So I thinking in my head "Fuck,
he likes it."
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00:13:22,497 --> 00:13:26,936
I'm thinking "Here's
your new star. Season two."
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00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:37,207
Why wait till the end?
242
00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:40,471
I mean, obviously he was like,
"I can't wait to see where this
is going to go."
243
00:13:45,085 --> 00:13:46,216
That's were it went.
244
00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:51,831
But then after the "No," he
said, "Have you seen {\an8}Westworld?"
245
00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:57,097
And I had to say,
"No," and then I followed it up
very New Zealand-ish.
246
00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:58,794
I said,
"Is it any good?"
247
00:14:01,144 --> 00:14:03,494
Why would you say that?
248
00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:07,455
Idiot. Of course it's good.
They're making another series.
249
00:14:07,498 --> 00:14:09,283
"Is it any good?"
250
00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:11,241
"Yes,
it is." "Ah, good, good."
251
00:14:12,677 --> 00:14:14,679
And he said to me,
then the final thing was,
252
00:14:14,723 --> 00:14:16,116
"The robots,
I'm afraid
253
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:18,074
"they're more
realistic than that."
254
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:23,863
I'm like,
"Fuck off. You're telling me
there's actors out there
255
00:14:23,906 --> 00:14:26,909
"that are doing more
realistic robots than that?"
256
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:30,565
Bullshit.
257
00:14:47,582 --> 00:14:49,845
So I didn't get that job, guys.
258
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,934
I didn't, I'm not
going to be in {\an8}Westworld.
259
00:14:53,414 --> 00:14:54,676
Yeah,
shame on them.
260
00:14:56,112 --> 00:14:57,548
But I did get {\an8}Jumanji.
261
00:14:57,592 --> 00:14:59,942
Who's seen {\an8}Jumanji,
Welcome to the Jungle?
262
00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:03,772
Yeah. I got that pretty
much straight after that.
263
00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:06,383
And then I ended
up going to Hawaii,
264
00:15:06,427 --> 00:15:09,865
and I was there for two
months in Hawaii on my own.
265
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,520
Obviously, there was other
cast members and various people,
266
00:15:12,563 --> 00:15:15,958
but I had to leave my
wife and children immediately.
267
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:17,438
And I was
there for two months,
268
00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:20,093
and I was kind
of... During that time...
269
00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:22,965
and I was kind of isolated
from the rest of the cast
270
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:25,489
because, well,
you know, they're untouchable,
271
00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:27,317
some of those
big muscly types.
272
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:30,668
And so I was
just on my own.
273
00:15:30,712 --> 00:15:32,975
I was in this kind
of... I was in Oahu,
274
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:36,109
a very touristy
area of Hawaii there
275
00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:39,068
and in a
hotel that I think
276
00:15:39,112 --> 00:15:42,245
a lot of Australian
and New Zealand tourists
277
00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:45,161
and definitely Irish
tourists would have gone to.
278
00:15:45,205 --> 00:15:47,685
And so people were
sort of recognizing me
279
00:15:47,729 --> 00:15:49,513
but I started to
have a bit of time
280
00:15:49,557 --> 00:15:51,515
to really start to
think and miss Mom.
281
00:15:51,559 --> 00:15:53,604
And this is where
I kind of broke down
282
00:15:53,648 --> 00:15:55,345
because people
would come up to me
283
00:15:55,389 --> 00:15:57,521
and want a
photograph with me,
284
00:15:57,565 --> 00:16:00,220
usually in a
restricted area like a lift,
285
00:16:00,263 --> 00:16:03,266
or would you believe,
in the toilets?
286
00:16:03,310 --> 00:16:05,355
Let's wait till he goes
into the toilet and then go.
287
00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:06,835
"Hey,
do you want a photo with me?"
288
00:16:06,878 --> 00:16:09,533
Do I want a
photo with you?
289
00:16:09,577 --> 00:16:12,101
I mean, I do, but I didn't
want to come up to you about it.
290
00:16:12,145 --> 00:16:13,494
I was a bit nervous.
291
00:16:17,498 --> 00:16:20,588
So I would do that
and smile and all that.
292
00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:23,330
But really inside,
I was quite glum,
293
00:16:23,373 --> 00:16:24,940
and I was I was like,
"What am I doing here?
294
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,594
"I don't even
feel funny anymore."
295
00:16:26,637 --> 00:16:29,031
And every time I
go somewhere foreign,
296
00:16:29,075 --> 00:16:31,033
I normally send
Mom a postcard.
297
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:33,862
And one day I went to the
shop and I bought a postcard,
298
00:16:33,905 --> 00:16:36,908
and that's when I
kind of really broke down
299
00:16:36,952 --> 00:16:38,823
because I realized
Mom is no longer here.
300
00:16:38,867 --> 00:16:40,216
What am I doing
with this postcard?
301
00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:42,914
And I actually gave it back,
and the worst part was,
302
00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:47,397
yeah, I asked for a
refund on a postcard,
303
00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:52,576
which is quite sad.
But for that 40 cents.
304
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:55,144
So... And then I
went back to the hotel
305
00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:57,929
and I realized at that
point I need to talk to someone.
306
00:16:57,973 --> 00:16:59,757
because I'm not
in a healthy state.
307
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:02,064
I didn't feel like
being a comedian anymore,
308
00:17:02,108 --> 00:17:05,589
and that was just sad. I was
just I was full of grief and so,
309
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:09,332
I knew I needed to talk to someone,
and so that's what I did.
310
00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:12,640
Like any sane person
at that time in their life,
311
00:17:12,683 --> 00:17:16,209
I went down and I
spoke to the lady at reception.
312
00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:17,993
Um...
313
00:17:21,388 --> 00:17:22,824
And she said,
"Are you not happy?"
314
00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:25,783
and I said "No," and she goes,
"Well, is it the room?"
315
00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:29,700
and I said,
"It might be, yeah. It might be.
316
00:17:29,744 --> 00:17:32,616
"Might be the
room and my mom died."
317
00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:36,751
"In the
room?" "Not... No, no."
318
00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:42,713
So she offered
some package deals
319
00:17:42,757 --> 00:17:44,541
to cheer me up,
you know?
320
00:17:44,585 --> 00:17:47,544
So, there was some "go and
see the sea turtles", that
sort of thing.
321
00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:49,372
And I said, "I don't
think that's what I need.
322
00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:51,070
I need to talk to someone,
you know."
323
00:17:51,113 --> 00:17:54,551
And so she suggested, weirdly,
324
00:17:54,595 --> 00:17:56,901
that there was
this guy in the forest
325
00:17:56,945 --> 00:18:00,340
this kind of a clairvoyant,
can talk about your future.
326
00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:02,255
And I thought to
myself... And this is my brain,
327
00:18:02,298 --> 00:18:03,952
"Oh, that will be the
guy. I'll to talk to him."
328
00:18:04,866 --> 00:18:06,824
That's who I
need to talk to.
329
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:10,132
So,
she gave me directions.
330
00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:15,181
And then I walked for a
couple of hours into the forest
331
00:18:15,224 --> 00:18:17,618
and I found this guy
and it took me a while
332
00:18:17,661 --> 00:18:20,969
but suddenly
there he was up in a tree.
333
00:18:24,494 --> 00:18:27,323
{\an8}Hey. Hey.
- Hello?
334
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:28,411
{\an8}Up here.
335
00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:30,587
- Oh. {\an8}
- I'm in the tree.
336
00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:33,112
Yeah,
I see you there.
337
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:34,939
{\an8}Hello my friend.
338
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:36,680
- Hi. {\an8}
- Hi.
339
00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:40,380
- I'm Rhys. {\an8}
- Hello, Rhys. I'm a shaman.
340
00:18:40,423 --> 00:18:41,859
Oh,
you're the shaman.
341
00:18:41,903 --> 00:18:44,123
{\an8}-Yeah.
- I've come to
the right place, I think.
342
00:18:46,647 --> 00:18:48,649
{\an8}-Yeah.
- Listen, I'm a comedian,
but I'm not very happy.
343
00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:50,041
My mom passed away
344
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:52,261
and I just don't feel
like doing my job anymore.
345
00:18:52,305 --> 00:18:54,089
I don't know what to do.
346
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,873
I probably shouldn't
have come to see you.
347
00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:59,616
{\an8}No, no. You should have come,
my love.
348
00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:02,619
{\an8}I could see your spirit
approaching with the wind.
349
00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:07,407
- Oh. {\an8}
- and I could see your body approaching on CCTV.
350
00:19:07,450 --> 00:19:10,323
- Okay. {\an8}
- So you're here for guidance, yeah?
351
00:19:10,366 --> 00:19:12,977
- Yes. {\an8}
- I can give you guidance.
352
00:19:13,021 --> 00:19:14,936
{\an8}And I can help
you find your path.
353
00:19:15,806 --> 00:19:17,721
{\an8}And for only
five bucks extra,
354
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:20,942
{\an8}I can cure any
aggressive forms of foot fungus.
355
00:19:23,118 --> 00:19:25,033
My feet are fine.
356
00:19:25,076 --> 00:19:27,427
I'll just take the
enlightenment, please.
357
00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:31,213
{\an8}Just the enlightenment. Okay, okay.
358
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:35,391
{\an8}So tell me, love,
what is something about you that
defines you?
359
00:19:35,435 --> 00:19:37,915
- Something that defines me? {\an8}
- Yeah.
360
00:19:38,742 --> 00:19:41,702
Sound effects,
I think. Yeah.
361
00:19:41,745 --> 00:19:44,748
{\an8}Oh, tell me more
about these sound effects.
362
00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:48,317
Well, I've always been
able to do sound effects,
363
00:19:48,361 --> 00:19:52,147
and I think that harks
back to my days as a schoolboy.
364
00:19:53,670 --> 00:19:54,628
You see...
365
00:19:57,979 --> 00:20:00,286
Did that
happen? I'm not... Anyway.
366
00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:02,201
Back in New Zealand...
367
00:20:07,684 --> 00:20:12,211
I went to a school,
368
00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:13,734
growing up. I grew up
369
00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:16,737
as a small child and...
370
00:20:18,391 --> 00:20:21,220
Forced upon me was
this thing called schooling.
371
00:20:21,263 --> 00:20:23,700
And I went to a
school that wasn't great.
372
00:20:23,744 --> 00:20:26,877
I'm not going to tell you the
name of the school,
just in case, you know...
373
00:20:26,921 --> 00:20:31,578
You know someone who went to
Edgewater College,
but it was a shit school,
374
00:20:31,621 --> 00:20:36,539
and it might have changed now, hopefully,
couldn't get any worse.
375
00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:37,932
But no,
it was good.
376
00:20:37,975 --> 00:20:41,544
It was all right. But I,
you know, you make do
377
00:20:41,588 --> 00:20:45,156
with where you are and what
you're doing,
but I have this vivid memory,
378
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,812
and this is, I think,
where sound effects really
became part of my life,
379
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:51,946
because we had this PE
teacher called Mr. Thompson,
380
00:20:51,989 --> 00:20:54,340
and he thought
he was God's gift.
381
00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:57,386
He was... He used
to say he was an Adonis.
382
00:20:57,430 --> 00:21:01,956
And I didn't know what that
meant but he said, "Oh,
I'm a physical man,
383
00:21:01,999 --> 00:21:05,612
"you know, they
named the gazelle after me."
384
00:21:05,655 --> 00:21:08,441
And you know, none of his
kind of stuff made sense, but...
385
00:21:12,358 --> 00:21:13,924
Uh,
386
00:21:13,968 --> 00:21:18,102
the annual sports day,
which every school does
387
00:21:18,146 --> 00:21:20,975
and still does...
388
00:21:21,018 --> 00:21:24,326
For him, he was the guy who was
in control of the running races.
389
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:26,981
Now, we're all about,
like 10, 12 years old.
390
00:21:27,024 --> 00:21:30,550
But I remember vividly
that he had this starter gun,
391
00:21:30,593 --> 00:21:35,381
and he insisted on using this to
start the running race for the
young boys.
392
00:21:35,424 --> 00:21:39,559
And so there he was and he'd
say, "All right, on your marks."
393
00:21:39,602 --> 00:21:41,996
And of course,
that's a classic thing to say.
394
00:21:44,346 --> 00:21:45,608
No surprises there.
395
00:21:46,740 --> 00:21:48,350
"Get set". Yeah,
396
00:21:48,394 --> 00:21:50,265
heard that one.
397
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:53,877
But here is the difference at
my school,
and I found this out later.
398
00:21:53,921 --> 00:21:57,794
At my school, you could choose
your own get set position.
399
00:21:57,838 --> 00:22:01,363
Which is odd,
but on the "Get set,"
400
00:22:01,407 --> 00:22:05,236
and once you've chosen your
position, by the way,
you've gotta show Mr. Thompson,
401
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,370
and that's your position for the
rest of your schooling career.
402
00:22:08,414 --> 00:22:10,285
Now,
my get-set position.
403
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:13,419
I didn't really have time to
think about it. I just went for
that one.
404
00:22:13,462 --> 00:22:17,510
You know,
sort of... There you are. Sort
of ready to run, really.
405
00:22:17,553 --> 00:22:24,865
Other kids were way more
creative, the guy next to me,
Gavin, his was one leg out.
406
00:22:24,908 --> 00:22:28,434
Now,
I think he was thinking that
he's already half a pace ahead.
407
00:22:28,477 --> 00:22:30,914
But of course,
in between "Get set"
408
00:22:30,958 --> 00:22:32,699
and the bang of
the gun sometimes
409
00:22:32,742 --> 00:22:35,266
was a couple of minutes,
and he would lose balance.
410
00:22:35,310 --> 00:22:39,575
"Come on, quickly!" So
the guy next to him, Mark, now,
411
00:22:39,619 --> 00:22:44,754
he had one leg right back and
two forward, which did look odd.
412
00:22:44,798 --> 00:22:48,715
but on the bang of
the gun would really thrust,
413
00:22:48,758 --> 00:22:53,807
and he'd be an absolute
starter for 10. That guy,
he'd really go.
414
00:22:53,850 --> 00:22:55,852
And then later on,
he actually started
415
00:22:55,896 --> 00:22:59,334
wearing his dad's cricket gloves
just to give the extra thrust.
416
00:23:00,901 --> 00:23:04,426
You know, real,
real thruster that guy.
417
00:23:04,470 --> 00:23:07,690
But then the gloves would
drag him down after a few paces,
418
00:23:07,734 --> 00:23:10,606
with the wind on them,
and he would dislodge them.
419
00:23:10,650 --> 00:23:13,435
And he'd just sort of...
So after you'd run, you'd...
420
00:23:13,479 --> 00:23:16,482
You'd have to watch out for
Mark's gloves,
and you knew that.
421
00:23:16,525 --> 00:23:21,530
And you'd hear that they're
going to come. Fourth guy along,
422
00:23:21,574 --> 00:23:24,272
Jason. He was
just too cool for school,
423
00:23:24,315 --> 00:23:26,579
but unfortunately
did have to attend school.
424
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,106
So on his get-set,
looks like this.
425
00:23:32,149 --> 00:23:34,761
He had one of those
Spaceman candy sticks.
426
00:23:36,284 --> 00:23:37,633
"Get set...
427
00:23:37,677 --> 00:23:40,506
"Get set, I said,
Jason." I'm fucking set, mate.
428
00:23:44,379 --> 00:23:46,250
So that was him.
429
00:23:46,294 --> 00:23:49,079
Going on the end here,
George on his get-set.
430
00:23:49,123 --> 00:23:50,951
He'd just turn around, and...
431
00:23:50,994 --> 00:23:53,344
Didn't like running,
and on the bang of the gun,
432
00:23:53,388 --> 00:23:54,998
he just run
to the library.
433
00:23:56,739 --> 00:23:59,438
Always ran to the library,
never got anywhere.
434
00:23:59,481 --> 00:24:02,092
But, of course, in future life,
he's now a professor.
435
00:24:02,136 --> 00:24:05,444
So,
who's the last one laughing?
436
00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:09,186
Don't know, haven't checked.
437
00:24:09,230 --> 00:24:11,885
Haven't... I'm out of
touch with all of them now,
438
00:24:13,495 --> 00:24:16,933
but back to Mr.
Thompson with the gun.
439
00:24:16,977 --> 00:24:20,676
So we're all on these positions,
and I was always on the inside lane.
440
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,897
And instead of like,
doing this with the starter gun,
441
00:24:23,940 --> 00:24:26,682
which you're supposed to,
he'd just have it there.
442
00:24:26,726 --> 00:24:28,815
And I didn't like this.
443
00:24:28,858 --> 00:24:32,427
And I'm just a young kid,
and I'm ready to go like this.
444
00:24:32,471 --> 00:24:34,037
Ready for the
bang of the gun,
445
00:24:34,081 --> 00:24:35,561
and I'm looking at it,
446
00:24:35,604 --> 00:24:37,911
cause it's right bloody here,
you know,
447
00:24:37,954 --> 00:24:41,001
and I'm thinking, "Mr. Thompson,
that's a bit close isn't it?"
448
00:24:41,915 --> 00:24:43,133
"Shut up."
449
00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:46,789
I start to think,
he wants me dead, does he?
450
00:24:46,833 --> 00:24:49,531
Is he having an
affair with my mom?
451
00:24:49,575 --> 00:24:51,620
Something's
going on there...
452
00:24:51,664 --> 00:24:54,014
and then he would
just pull the trigger on it.
453
00:24:54,057 --> 00:24:56,538
And, you know, the
loudest bang you've ever heard.
454
00:24:56,582 --> 00:24:57,887
Bang! Like that.
455
00:24:57,931 --> 00:25:01,456
But 20 times that,
imagine that 20 times that.
456
00:25:02,936 --> 00:25:05,504
And with that,
of course, just intense,
457
00:25:05,547 --> 00:25:06,548
in my ear.
458
00:25:06,592 --> 00:25:08,115
Everyone else would run.
459
00:25:08,158 --> 00:25:09,899
And for me,
I'd just collapse
460
00:25:09,943 --> 00:25:15,035
I'd basically fall over and I'd
have a ringing in my ear for months,
461
00:25:15,078 --> 00:25:16,950
and I just... I remember,
462
00:25:16,993 --> 00:25:19,909
like looking up and
having this tone in my ear
463
00:25:24,566 --> 00:25:26,133
So,
not a great man for me.
464
00:25:26,176 --> 00:25:30,485
But one year, and I
was really happy with this.
465
00:25:30,529 --> 00:25:32,574
This is where the
sound effects came in.
466
00:25:32,618 --> 00:25:34,707
I found myself in
the middle of the field,
467
00:25:34,750 --> 00:25:37,361
so that's the first time I
wasn't on the inside lane.
468
00:25:37,405 --> 00:25:39,929
I'll never forget Mr.
Thompson looking and going,
469
00:25:39,973 --> 00:25:42,453
"Oh,
what the hell?" and... No shit.
470
00:25:42,497 --> 00:25:43,759
He did this.
471
00:25:43,803 --> 00:25:45,631
Once we'd done the whole,
you know, get-set.
472
00:25:45,674 --> 00:25:50,549
He actually leaned over,
leaned over a couple of dudes to
sort of make sure.
473
00:25:50,592 --> 00:25:53,290
And I'm like here in the middle,
"Aw, come on, you can't.
474
00:25:53,334 --> 00:25:56,467
"Please... Mrs. Hipditch!"
475
00:25:56,511 --> 00:26:00,559
That's the librarian, waiting
to receive George, you know.
476
00:26:00,602 --> 00:26:03,779
"Ah,
Mr. Thompson,
please. You can't do that.
477
00:26:03,823 --> 00:26:05,955
"Come on,
now." And...
478
00:26:05,999 --> 00:26:09,263
So I think, lucky she was there,
and he didn't... Okay.
479
00:26:09,306 --> 00:26:15,095
So okay, and then,
he'd do the normal one for once,
bang, and off we went.
480
00:26:15,138 --> 00:26:18,054
And this was the first time I
actually managed to get away.
481
00:26:18,098 --> 00:26:20,666
And so I ran
and I still had the tone
482
00:26:20,709 --> 00:26:25,845
of the earlier bangs in my head,
and so I decided to mimic it.
483
00:26:25,888 --> 00:26:29,196
I don't know why,
but as I ran, I just went
484
00:26:36,464 --> 00:26:39,293
And the guys on either side of
me just went,
"What the fuck, mate!"
485
00:26:40,990 --> 00:26:43,863
They veered off, you know, even
George, going to the library.
486
00:26:43,906 --> 00:26:46,082
"Jesus!"
487
00:26:46,126 --> 00:26:49,085
"Yeah. Book on hot rods,
mate." Uh...
488
00:26:49,129 --> 00:26:54,003
Bit weird for a professor. Anyway,
so I'm...
489
00:26:54,047 --> 00:26:55,744
And they're
all dripping off.
490
00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:59,792
And I won. I won, Galway.
491
00:26:59,835 --> 00:27:01,924
I won.
492
00:27:04,100 --> 00:27:06,320
And I think...
493
00:27:06,363 --> 00:27:10,846
because I won that race, it's
sort of surmounted in my head,
494
00:27:10,890 --> 00:27:13,370
that sound effects
was a positive thing.
495
00:27:13,414 --> 00:27:16,286
Mimic machinery and
you'll become a winner in life.
496
00:27:16,330 --> 00:27:20,726
I don't know, I was only young,
but I didn't use sound effects again
497
00:27:20,769 --> 00:27:24,686
in real life,
since that day.
498
00:27:24,730 --> 00:27:29,125
Up until recently... I was
developing this show and I
thought, I wonder if
499
00:27:29,169 --> 00:27:34,000
I could do sound effects in real
life and get away with it like I
did that day.
500
00:27:34,043 --> 00:27:37,003
Hmm. Let's try it out,
Rhys. Okay.
501
00:27:37,046 --> 00:27:40,746
Okay. That's just me there,
talking about it.
502
00:27:40,789 --> 00:27:43,923
Me and me.
So then I did it,
503
00:27:43,966 --> 00:27:48,405
And it was in Los Angeles a
while back,
and I went to the supermarket.
504
00:27:48,449 --> 00:27:52,105
One I go to all the time,
just like any supermarket you
have here,
505
00:27:52,148 --> 00:27:54,890
you've got your checkouts,
and then down the end,
506
00:27:54,934 --> 00:27:58,067
you've got your
self-checkout situation.
507
00:27:58,111 --> 00:28:01,505
Where people can... Very trendy
now, just to check yourself out.
508
00:28:01,549 --> 00:28:04,944
Just a
series of mirrors... no.
509
00:28:06,510 --> 00:28:10,514
Where you can just...
you put your own things through.
510
00:28:10,558 --> 00:28:12,342
And,
of course, much quicker.
511
00:28:12,386 --> 00:28:15,345
I don't have to
deal with the person.
512
00:28:15,389 --> 00:28:17,957
Ah,
you know... it's handy.
513
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:22,439
We'll do it and I'd been through
a few times and I'd done it.
514
00:28:22,483 --> 00:28:25,355
And I'd heard the noise,
You know that...
515
00:28:25,399 --> 00:28:28,228
And I thought I could
probably mimic that noise.
516
00:28:28,271 --> 00:28:32,058
I wonder if I could get away
with just, you know,
because there's no staff around.
517
00:28:32,101 --> 00:28:34,887
But there is always one staff, isn't there?
518
00:28:34,930 --> 00:28:40,414
If you remember in the
self-checkout area, there's
always one staff member there,
519
00:28:40,457 --> 00:28:43,809
who's just sort of guarding it,
isn't there? Sort of. It's only
a lady.
520
00:28:43,852 --> 00:28:46,899
Just sort of looking at you and
just making sure you've got...
521
00:28:46,942 --> 00:28:51,207
"You've got a club card,
use your club card, okay, good.
Oh, you're buying some alcohol.
522
00:28:51,251 --> 00:28:52,861
"Got some ID?
523
00:28:52,905 --> 00:28:56,256
"ID? No? Well then, no alcohol. Okay."
524
00:28:56,299 --> 00:28:59,476
"You want some help with the
bag, have you heard of how a bag
works?"
525
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:01,391
that kind of person.
526
00:29:01,435 --> 00:29:03,567
So,
really they're sort of helping,
527
00:29:03,611 --> 00:29:05,656
but really,
I think they're guarding it
528
00:29:05,700 --> 00:29:07,876
just to make sure no
one's doing any shifty's,
529
00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:13,055
you know, so into me,
preparing to do a shifty.
530
00:29:13,099 --> 00:29:15,797
So,
I've got my basket.
531
00:29:15,841 --> 00:29:17,973
I'm coming in
looking really normal...
532
00:29:19,845 --> 00:29:23,500
I see the lady helping
out someone with a bag...
533
00:29:23,544 --> 00:29:28,375
I thought, well,
here's my chance. So I got my
stuff and I scanned my stuff
534
00:29:28,418 --> 00:29:34,468
through,
but just outside the range of
the scanner, and I did the beep.
535
00:29:34,511 --> 00:29:35,904
So I just got my items...
536
00:29:39,603 --> 00:29:42,041
I'm looking around and
no one's battering an eyelid.
537
00:29:42,781 --> 00:29:45,348
My sound is perfect.
538
00:29:45,392 --> 00:29:47,742
No one cares,
all the other ones are beeping,
539
00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:51,093
and I'm just doing the same thing,
except I'm doing it.
540
00:29:52,312 --> 00:29:53,922
You know,
it's perfect.
541
00:29:53,966 --> 00:29:55,663
You can,
you can tell that.
542
00:29:55,706 --> 00:29:58,448
And... but here's
where I got cocky.
543
00:29:58,492 --> 00:30:03,497
Probably got too many items...
On the sixth item of 13 that I had.
544
00:30:04,890 --> 00:30:05,847
I screwed it up.
545
00:30:06,979 --> 00:30:08,371
I went...
546
00:30:10,896 --> 00:30:14,160
And the moment I did that, the
guard lady who was helping...
547
00:30:14,203 --> 00:30:17,119
Still helping someone with a bag,
obviously an absolute idiot.
548
00:30:18,642 --> 00:30:21,907
As soon as I did the bad beep,
she just looked up...
549
00:30:21,950 --> 00:30:24,344
Excuse me...
550
00:30:24,387 --> 00:30:25,867
And she walked over to me.
551
00:30:25,911 --> 00:30:28,435
She walked over. She went,
"Excuse me.
552
00:30:28,478 --> 00:30:30,219
"Are you doing
the beeps yourself?"
553
00:30:36,660 --> 00:30:38,271
What do you say to that?
554
00:30:38,314 --> 00:30:42,753
I mean, I'm there, all my items
are through on the baggage area.
555
00:30:44,146 --> 00:30:47,019
The checkout,
it's not even on,
556
00:30:48,803 --> 00:30:50,413
It's out of order,
557
00:30:50,457 --> 00:30:55,114
this one, and I'm just... So I'm
clear, I'm caught red handed.
558
00:30:55,157 --> 00:30:56,898
There's no
two ways about it.
559
00:30:58,291 --> 00:30:59,683
And she says it again.
560
00:30:59,727 --> 00:31:01,860
"Are you doing
the beeps yourself?"
561
00:31:01,903 --> 00:31:03,296
And this is what
562
00:31:03,339 --> 00:31:04,863
I replied with. I went...
563
00:31:05,428 --> 00:31:06,995
Oh, am I?
564
00:31:13,349 --> 00:31:14,394
I'm sorry.
565
00:31:14,437 --> 00:31:17,919
Ah,
I... I'm from New Zealand.
566
00:31:19,442 --> 00:31:21,749
Sorry, we normally
do the beeps ourselves.
567
00:31:22,881 --> 00:31:24,143
We don't have bags,
568
00:31:24,186 --> 00:31:26,275
you grab all your
stuff and you take it home
569
00:31:26,319 --> 00:31:28,495
and then you bring
back what you can't use.
570
00:31:28,538 --> 00:31:30,671
And this is a computer,
is it?
571
00:31:30,714 --> 00:31:33,239
It's an actual... Oh,
heard about these.
572
00:31:33,282 --> 00:31:34,718
Oh, God.
573
00:31:34,762 --> 00:31:36,807
Yah no,
we always do the beeps.
574
00:31:40,681 --> 00:31:43,989
And I think a lot of that,
she didn't understand. So it was like...
575
00:31:46,078 --> 00:31:49,211
And she's thinking, "I'm not
fucking dealing with this guy."
576
00:31:49,255 --> 00:31:52,867
Or she did understand it
and thought, "No, he's bonkers.
577
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:55,739
"I'm... gonna
walk away slowly."
578
00:31:55,783 --> 00:31:59,091
So she walked away slowly,
and I took advantage of that,
579
00:31:59,134 --> 00:32:03,443
and I just put my stuff in a bag and fucked off.
580
00:32:03,486 --> 00:32:06,402
Got out!
581
00:32:07,621 --> 00:32:08,622
Got away with it.
582
00:32:10,189 --> 00:32:11,451
Walking home now.
583
00:32:11,494 --> 00:32:14,628
I was very nervous...
waiting for the sirens.
584
00:32:14,671 --> 00:32:18,806
You know...
585
00:32:22,723 --> 00:32:25,160
Whatever they
fucking sound like these days.
586
00:32:28,598 --> 00:32:31,210
Never a normal
siren these days. is it?
587
00:32:33,386 --> 00:32:35,997
What the hell is that?
588
00:32:36,041 --> 00:32:38,782
That's the police
forces all over the world.
589
00:32:38,826 --> 00:32:41,089
They're all doing it,
no matter where you are,
590
00:32:41,133 --> 00:32:44,658
which country. You're still
getting that...
591
00:32:44,701 --> 00:32:46,747
I mean,
what's that one?
592
00:32:46,790 --> 00:32:49,097
Who... how are they doing that?
593
00:32:50,707 --> 00:32:53,362
Remember, back in the
day when you got a full siren?
594
00:32:53,406 --> 00:32:57,801
You knew you're in the shit.
595
00:33:02,676 --> 00:33:07,550
but now it's...
596
00:33:09,117 --> 00:33:10,249
it's almost like...
597
00:33:12,251 --> 00:33:14,427
the main police
chief of the world,
598
00:33:14,470 --> 00:33:17,430
has got all the police forces
together in a big meeting.
599
00:33:18,474 --> 00:33:20,520
Sit down everybody,
listen up.
600
00:33:20,563 --> 00:33:24,872
I didn't want it to have to get
to this point, but we are
running out of sirens.
601
00:33:25,786 --> 00:33:27,744
Overuse of
the 80s and 90s.
602
00:33:27,788 --> 00:33:29,398
Too many chases.
603
00:33:29,442 --> 00:33:32,097
We shouldn't
keep them on... now,
604
00:33:32,140 --> 00:33:33,707
how many
sirens have we got left?
605
00:33:33,750 --> 00:33:36,144
Brian? "320."
606
00:33:36,188 --> 00:33:37,493
All right,
thank you.
607
00:33:37,537 --> 00:33:39,452
Take a seat,
Brian. Keep your hat on.
608
00:33:39,495 --> 00:33:43,151
Okay, So, just as a
demonstration siren here.
609
00:33:43,195 --> 00:33:44,979
So now,
if you want to let people
610
00:33:45,023 --> 00:33:47,808
know you're on track of them,
or for them to pull over.
611
00:33:47,851 --> 00:33:52,987
It's a simple...
Now,
612
00:33:53,031 --> 00:33:55,511
you know, that's the
worst-case scenario there.
613
00:33:55,555 --> 00:34:01,169
I think if they haven't...
but that's it.
614
00:34:01,213 --> 00:34:03,476
I mean,
I've already used up five there.
615
00:34:03,519 --> 00:34:05,086
Fuck. I've
just used up five.
616
00:34:05,130 --> 00:34:07,523
Brian,
put those back in my car.
617
00:34:07,567 --> 00:34:09,177
Shouldn't have...
618
00:34:09,221 --> 00:34:12,267
Done that. [IMITATES
SIREN] Hey who was that?
619
00:34:12,311 --> 00:34:16,532
Oh, come on
guys. Stop it.
620
00:34:16,576 --> 00:34:18,752
Put your sirens away.
621
00:34:20,536 --> 00:34:22,190
Michael.
622
00:34:22,234 --> 00:34:25,019
I saw you. Put it away.
623
00:34:25,063 --> 00:34:26,890
Yeah, nice one.
624
00:34:26,934 --> 00:34:28,414
Get out there, everybody.
625
00:34:28,457 --> 00:34:30,198
And don't use your sirens.
626
00:34:30,851 --> 00:34:31,982
Almost get people.
627
00:34:32,026 --> 00:34:34,420
All right? Good
luck.
628
00:34:34,463 --> 00:34:37,553
Thank you... prick.
629
00:34:39,251 --> 00:34:41,209
I think this is
the whole world over.
630
00:34:41,253 --> 00:34:44,386
So, here's what I think you guys
should do tonight when you're
driving home
631
00:34:44,430 --> 00:34:46,040
and you're being
chased by the police,
632
00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:48,999
because it's
going to happen. I know.
633
00:34:49,043 --> 00:34:51,611
So, when you're driving along
and you're on your way home
634
00:34:51,654 --> 00:34:54,788
and you hear...
Don't pull over
635
00:34:54,831 --> 00:34:58,357
for that shit,
don't... Wind your window down,
636
00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:00,185
and say,
"What's that? A dog vomiting?"
637
00:35:01,447 --> 00:35:03,753
Get fucked.
638
00:35:03,797 --> 00:35:07,279
No... piss off!
639
00:35:07,322 --> 00:35:09,585
Give us a full siren, mate.
640
00:35:12,588 --> 00:35:16,462
I dare ya,
but also make sure you remove
your rear vision mirrors
641
00:35:16,505 --> 00:35:20,553
because there's no getting
around not seeing the flashing lights.
642
00:35:23,469 --> 00:35:24,948
{\an8}Oh, my love.
643
00:35:24,992 --> 00:35:27,212
{\an8}I thought the police
had finally caught up with me.
644
00:35:27,255 --> 00:35:29,388
{\an8}But no,
it was just your sound effects.
645
00:35:29,431 --> 00:35:31,259
{\an8}They are so believable.
646
00:35:32,956 --> 00:35:33,957
Sorry about that.
647
00:35:35,263 --> 00:35:37,396
{\an8}
You are a natural mimic.
648
00:35:37,439 --> 00:35:41,965
{\an8}And I think this is because you
have lived many lives up until
now.
649
00:35:43,445 --> 00:35:45,534
Oh.
650
00:35:45,578 --> 00:35:48,363
{\an8}I'm just checking
out my crystal ball here,
651
00:35:48,407 --> 00:35:52,541
{\an8}and I see that this is your
first life as an actual human.
652
00:35:52,585 --> 00:35:54,369
{\an8}So that's interesting.
653
00:35:55,979 --> 00:35:58,286
- What? {\an8}
- Oh, that explains your genuine
654
00:35:58,330 --> 00:36:01,159
{\an8}naivety and
hopeful optimism.
655
00:36:02,464 --> 00:36:06,120
Well, I am a
glass-half-full kind of guy.
656
00:36:06,164 --> 00:36:08,383
{\an8}We'll get to your
drinking problem in a minute.
657
00:36:09,689 --> 00:36:10,646
Hey!
658
00:36:11,821 --> 00:36:14,520
{\an8}But right now
I'm having a vision...
659
00:36:14,563 --> 00:36:17,305
{\an8}Yes, I can see
all of your past lives.
660
00:36:17,349 --> 00:36:19,829
{\an8}Oh,
and I have news for you.
661
00:36:21,483 --> 00:36:23,616
- What? {\an8}
- Hey, listen to this.
662
00:36:23,659 --> 00:36:27,010
{\an8}Every life that
you've lived up until now,
663
00:36:27,054 --> 00:36:28,664
{\an8}you've been a bird.
664
00:36:28,708 --> 00:36:33,234
- A bird! {\an8}
- Yeah a bird, many birds, flying through time.
665
00:36:33,278 --> 00:36:35,541
{\an8}You know, life after life.
666
00:36:35,584 --> 00:36:36,542
What?
667
00:36:37,325 --> 00:36:39,327
But I'm a man now.
668
00:36:44,245 --> 00:36:46,769
{\an8}
That's a good one.
669
00:36:48,162 --> 00:36:49,816
Come on.
670
00:36:49,859 --> 00:36:53,907
{\an8}Okay, but hey...
my vision's becoming more clear.
671
00:36:54,995 --> 00:36:55,952
What?
672
00:36:58,085 --> 00:37:03,395
{\an8}You are a good mimic
because you were a lyrebird.
673
00:37:03,438 --> 00:37:09,314
Oh, lyrebird...
What's so weird about that?
674
00:37:09,357 --> 00:37:14,144
{\an8}Well, my love, unfortunately, it
means that you were Australian.
675
00:37:20,716 --> 00:37:22,022
No!
676
00:37:23,545 --> 00:37:24,503
No!
677
00:37:26,244 --> 00:37:27,245
No!
678
00:37:28,768 --> 00:37:30,030
It can't be!
679
00:37:31,161 --> 00:37:32,989
I can't be Aussie!
680
00:37:34,164 --> 00:37:35,253
No!
681
00:37:36,210 --> 00:37:37,167
No!
682
00:38:15,031 --> 00:38:19,079
Well that was weird.
I think he's right, though.
683
00:38:19,122 --> 00:38:20,950
Yeah,
the lyrebird.
684
00:38:20,994 --> 00:38:25,303
I must have been a lyrebird.
That is the world's greatest mimic.
685
00:38:25,346 --> 00:38:29,437
Look it up. If you haven't heard
of it... it can mimic any machinery.
686
00:38:29,481 --> 00:38:31,352
And that's what
I do for no reason.
687
00:38:31,396 --> 00:38:33,659
I just hear a
sound and then I just do it.
688
00:38:33,702 --> 00:38:36,705
Then I feel like an
idiot once I've done it,
689
00:38:36,749 --> 00:38:40,318
but that's it. It could be an
overhang from my previous life.
690
00:38:40,361 --> 00:38:42,363
Think about it.
Some of you here tonight,
691
00:38:42,407 --> 00:38:46,019
you might have a characteristic
about you that you can't
explain, whether it be
692
00:38:46,062 --> 00:38:51,067
a noise or a tick or a dance
move or, well,
maybe just an idea or thought
693
00:38:51,111 --> 00:38:54,767
that you keep putting out to the
public and they think, "Now,
don't say that."
694
00:38:58,161 --> 00:39:01,077
Don't, no. Don't.
695
00:39:01,121 --> 00:39:05,430
Well, there could be some people
here tonight. For example,
I don't know, who don't...
696
00:39:05,473 --> 00:39:08,433
someone might not believe in
the effects of climate change.
697
00:39:09,999 --> 00:39:12,741
Maybe in your previous life,
you were a cunt.
698
00:39:26,625 --> 00:39:31,412
When I got that sudden
realization... I was struck by lightning.
699
00:39:37,462 --> 00:39:39,115
I could almost hear it.
700
00:39:39,159 --> 00:39:42,249
Uh... You know,
you come to the other
701
00:39:42,292 --> 00:39:45,861
side of the world and you think,
they're going to have a big
budget in Galway.
702
00:39:45,905 --> 00:39:49,474
The speakers
will be magnificent.
703
00:39:49,517 --> 00:39:52,390
Oh!
704
00:39:52,433 --> 00:39:54,827
Ah, fuck. That's better.
705
00:39:56,219 --> 00:39:57,177
Shit!
706
00:39:58,004 --> 00:39:58,961
Woo!
707
00:40:00,702 --> 00:40:03,444
Yeah, being struck by lightning is weird.
708
00:40:03,488 --> 00:40:06,186
I don't know if
you've ever experienced it,
709
00:40:06,229 --> 00:40:08,884
But on this occasion,
I actually left my body.
710
00:40:08,928 --> 00:40:15,630
I astral projected myself out
of my castle of human endeavors.
711
00:40:15,674 --> 00:40:18,894
And there I want floating up,
looking down
712
00:40:18,938 --> 00:40:22,855
and I could see a self-simulated
reality in front of my eyes.
713
00:40:22,898 --> 00:40:29,209
A visual representation of
myself, as many birds through
the history of time,
714
00:40:29,252 --> 00:40:36,477
for I had lived as many birds
and there I was as I looked at
myself, out of myself.
715
00:40:36,521 --> 00:40:38,958
I was in fact,
a pterodactyl.
716
00:41:05,114 --> 00:41:10,119
Then I flew as a
mighty Haast eagle.
717
00:41:11,512 --> 00:41:16,212
Sweeping across Aotearoa
with my big flappy wings.
718
00:41:20,347 --> 00:41:24,612
I engaged into
battle with the giant moa.
719
00:41:37,059 --> 00:41:38,670
Oh, fuck. My neck.
720
00:41:39,888 --> 00:41:41,107
He broke my neck, Mom.
721
00:41:41,977 --> 00:41:43,065
Mom!
722
00:41:48,897 --> 00:41:51,596
1942. North Africa.
723
00:41:51,639 --> 00:41:54,947
I was a messenger pigeon
serving for the Royal Airforce.
724
00:41:57,297 --> 00:41:58,864
Put the message on me.
725
00:42:03,346 --> 00:42:05,392
Coo!
726
00:42:05,435 --> 00:42:07,960
Put on there. Put on
there. Put the message on me.
727
00:42:08,003 --> 00:42:09,614
Coo!
728
00:42:09,657 --> 00:42:11,311
Tighter. Put on tighter.
729
00:42:12,791 --> 00:42:13,879
Tighter.
730
00:42:14,444 --> 00:42:15,402
Yeah.
731
00:42:17,447 --> 00:42:18,666
Coo!
732
00:42:19,841 --> 00:42:20,929
Coo!
733
00:42:24,933 --> 00:42:26,021
Coo!
734
00:42:27,457 --> 00:42:28,458
Coo!
735
00:42:29,503 --> 00:42:31,200
Message must get through!
736
00:42:41,428 --> 00:42:42,821
Coo.
737
00:42:42,864 --> 00:42:44,083
Ah, fuck,
my wing!
738
00:42:45,214 --> 00:42:46,564
My wing broken.
739
00:42:50,655 --> 00:42:53,353
Come on! No!
740
00:42:54,136 --> 00:42:55,137
No!
741
00:42:57,139 --> 00:42:58,097
I'm going down.
742
00:43:05,191 --> 00:43:08,586
Broken wing. Broken heart.
743
00:43:29,476 --> 00:43:31,217
Don't tell
anybody you saw that.
744
00:43:36,178 --> 00:43:37,136
But it's true.
745
00:43:38,267 --> 00:43:39,921
It's all true.
746
00:43:39,965 --> 00:43:44,883
Of course it's true. I've always
been a bird flying through time.
747
00:43:44,926 --> 00:43:46,145
I've always felt free.
748
00:43:46,188 --> 00:43:49,452
As free as a bird.
749
00:43:49,496 --> 00:43:53,892
Makes sense, there's no creature
on Earth or even above it
750
00:43:56,982 --> 00:43:58,113
that is as free
751
00:43:58,984 --> 00:44:01,203
as the bird.
752
00:44:01,247 --> 00:44:03,510
Until, of course,
it gets trapped in your house.
753
00:44:06,078 --> 00:44:08,689
And we've all
experienced this, right?
754
00:44:08,733 --> 00:44:13,389
The amazing bird that
accidentally flies into your house.
755
00:44:13,433 --> 00:44:15,522
And then there's
nothing on Earth...
756
00:44:15,565 --> 00:44:19,744
that shows the sheer
panic of a trapped bird.
757
00:44:21,441 --> 00:44:23,182
Shit, where am I?
758
00:44:23,225 --> 00:44:24,357
What the fuck's this?
759
00:44:25,619 --> 00:44:27,186
It's a wall! Ah, no!
760
00:44:27,621 --> 00:44:28,796
Help me!
761
00:44:28,840 --> 00:44:31,712
It's a wall! It's a wall, why?
762
00:44:31,756 --> 00:44:33,453
Where's my world?
763
00:44:33,496 --> 00:44:34,672
What is this?
764
00:44:34,715 --> 00:44:37,239
The wall's
still there. Help!
765
00:44:37,283 --> 00:44:40,721
The wall's still there!
766
00:44:40,765 --> 00:44:41,940
Why?
767
00:44:41,983 --> 00:44:43,245
Wall's still there!
768
00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:44,638
Help me!
769
00:44:47,075 --> 00:44:49,208
And as humans,
we panic as well.
770
00:44:49,251 --> 00:44:51,514
We don't know
how to deal with that.
771
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:53,647
Shit.
772
00:44:57,782 --> 00:44:59,740
Quick.
773
00:44:59,784 --> 00:45:01,437
Open the door,
don't you... Open the...
774
00:45:01,481 --> 00:45:02,569
Out you go.
775
00:45:05,224 --> 00:45:06,660
Go.
776
00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:08,009
They can't
understand that.
777
00:45:08,053 --> 00:45:09,097
What are you doing?
778
00:45:10,316 --> 00:45:12,971
Who are you?
The wall's still there.
779
00:45:15,016 --> 00:45:15,974
Please.
780
00:45:18,846 --> 00:45:21,153
The only thing you can do
781
00:45:21,196 --> 00:45:25,113
in that situation is open
every window in your house.
782
00:45:25,157 --> 00:45:26,462
We've all done it,
783
00:45:26,506 --> 00:45:28,943
and opened every door,
784
00:45:28,987 --> 00:45:30,945
and just leave
your house for a week.
785
00:45:31,816 --> 00:45:33,165
Just...
786
00:45:33,208 --> 00:45:34,209
Just go.
787
00:45:35,428 --> 00:45:37,212
And then come
back a week later.
788
00:45:40,128 --> 00:45:41,826
I think he's gone.
789
00:45:41,869 --> 00:45:43,436
And there he
is on the fridge.
790
00:45:43,479 --> 00:45:44,959
Help me!
791
00:45:45,003 --> 00:45:46,526
"Where have you been"
792
00:45:48,180 --> 00:45:49,572
Wall's still there!
793
00:45:53,707 --> 00:45:55,709
Stupid, stupid birds.
794
00:45:57,667 --> 00:45:59,104
Stupid me.
795
00:46:00,453 --> 00:46:03,543
Once I had an
owl fly into my house
796
00:46:03,586 --> 00:46:06,894
and I thought, Oh,
he'll be smarter, you know.
797
00:46:07,852 --> 00:46:10,463
That old misconception.
798
00:46:10,506 --> 00:46:13,858
It was a morepork.
It was a New Zealand owl.
799
00:46:13,901 --> 00:46:15,773
And it didn't
flap about as much.
800
00:46:15,816 --> 00:46:18,688
It just sort of stood there,
on the dining room table,
looking at me.
801
00:46:36,750 --> 00:46:38,012
Amazing eyes.
802
00:46:39,535 --> 00:46:41,494
Amazing peripheral vision.
803
00:46:41,537 --> 00:46:42,843
No matter where I walked,
804
00:46:43,626 --> 00:46:45,759
it still looked at me.
805
00:46:45,803 --> 00:46:47,587
It's like the
Mona Lisa of birds.
806
00:46:51,069 --> 00:46:53,375
No, it's not. It doesn't matter.
807
00:46:53,419 --> 00:46:56,248
But it reminded me of myself,
when I started to think about my own
808
00:46:56,291 --> 00:47:00,687
peripheral visions,
and I've got good priffs.
809
00:47:00,730 --> 00:47:05,866
Right now, I'm using my front
visuals and I've got you all in
there, I can see you all.
810
00:47:05,910 --> 00:47:08,564
But when I turn this
way and use my right priffs...
811
00:47:09,609 --> 00:47:11,219
Still got you all.
812
00:47:11,263 --> 00:47:13,091
Can see you
all. Still got you all.
813
00:47:13,134 --> 00:47:14,396
Still got you all.
814
00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:16,181
Still got you
all. You're out now.
815
00:47:16,224 --> 00:47:17,312
Pretty good!
816
00:47:18,226 --> 00:47:19,184
Guy laughing.
817
00:47:21,142 --> 00:47:22,187
He walked out.
818
00:47:23,405 --> 00:47:24,885
So pretty
good right priffs.
819
00:47:24,929 --> 00:47:26,931
The left. Not so good.
820
00:47:26,974 --> 00:47:28,671
Got you all. You're gone.
821
00:47:30,673 --> 00:47:31,631
There you are.
822
00:47:32,545 --> 00:47:33,502
Nothing.
823
00:47:34,895 --> 00:47:36,157
So,
no good on that side.
824
00:47:36,201 --> 00:47:38,812
But right priffs
probably better than the fronts.
825
00:47:40,858 --> 00:47:42,860
You might see me around Galway,
sort of just...
826
00:47:44,687 --> 00:47:46,907
Doing the old
American side-walking.
827
00:47:47,777 --> 00:47:48,953
Meeting you like that.
828
00:47:48,996 --> 00:47:50,868
Good day,
mate. Saw you as well.
829
00:47:50,911 --> 00:47:52,130
Didn't see you. I...
830
00:47:52,913 --> 00:47:53,958
You're not there. Okay.
831
00:47:58,701 --> 00:48:02,357
I miss Mom because I think
she would have loved that joke.
832
00:48:02,401 --> 00:48:04,229
We had some
good times together.
833
00:48:04,272 --> 00:48:05,665
We grew up together,
Mom and I.
834
00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:08,233
She was a lot older, but...
835
00:48:11,627 --> 00:48:13,499
We'd make up funny things.
836
00:48:13,542 --> 00:48:16,937
Funny stories. The 80's and 90's
were big for us,
because that was before
837
00:48:16,981 --> 00:48:22,638
the smartphone era,
before computers really,
you know, got plugged in.
838
00:48:24,031 --> 00:48:27,948
Mom never got into computers
or the smartphone stuff,
839
00:48:27,992 --> 00:48:29,515
and so,
for me, our happiest
840
00:48:29,558 --> 00:48:32,300
memories are us
walking around town together
841
00:48:32,344 --> 00:48:35,390
and communicating
with people in real life.
842
00:48:35,434 --> 00:48:38,045
Remember, back in the day,
when people used to talk to you?
843
00:48:39,264 --> 00:48:41,831
Oh, those were the days, eh?
844
00:48:41,875 --> 00:48:43,703
People would
ask for directions.
845
00:48:43,746 --> 00:48:46,575
Remember that? Before the
smartphone, people would come up
846
00:48:46,619 --> 00:48:49,796
and say, "Excuse me,
how did I get to such and such?"
847
00:48:49,839 --> 00:48:53,452
You know,
and I was with my mom and I
enjoyed talking to these people
848
00:48:53,495 --> 00:48:58,674
because... Especially with
directions, I never knew where I
was, I'm a kid.
849
00:48:58,718 --> 00:49:04,506
I still don't,
but I would offer the same
direction advice every time.
850
00:49:04,550 --> 00:49:06,769
And Mom would let me do it,
"Oh, Rhys will tell you."
851
00:49:06,813 --> 00:49:07,988
And I, "Thanks, Mom."
852
00:49:08,032 --> 00:49:11,165
Uh, yep. You want
to go to the church?
853
00:49:11,209 --> 00:49:14,038
Absolutely.
Straight through the lights.
854
00:49:14,081 --> 00:49:17,867
Second on your left,
around the roundabout and fourth
on your right.
855
00:49:17,911 --> 00:49:19,434
"Oh, thank you very much."
856
00:49:19,478 --> 00:49:21,436
And off they'd go, and I'd
have no idea where they went.
857
00:49:23,656 --> 00:49:25,701
I'd just say the same thing,
every time.
858
00:49:26,920 --> 00:49:28,835
The speedway? Absolutely.
859
00:49:28,878 --> 00:49:30,837
Through the lights,
second on your right.
860
00:49:30,880 --> 00:49:33,492
Round the roundabout,
fourth on your left.
861
00:49:33,535 --> 00:49:36,451
And off they'd go and there was
no roundabouts in half those towns.
862
00:49:36,495 --> 00:49:40,412
We'd have a good laugh,
we would think about
863
00:49:40,455 --> 00:49:42,196
what possibly
happened to these people.
864
00:49:43,197 --> 00:49:45,983
Ah, good times.
865
00:49:46,026 --> 00:49:49,377
People used to knock on our
doors too, people used to knock
on your door.
866
00:49:49,421 --> 00:49:51,597
They probably
still do in Galway.
867
00:49:51,640 --> 00:49:56,471
But here, well,
I should say there,
and especially Los Angeles,
868
00:49:56,515 --> 00:49:59,518
no, it's really dangerous
to knock on people's doors.
869
00:49:59,561 --> 00:50:03,304
I mean... It's really like, you
know, it's not the done thing.
870
00:50:03,348 --> 00:50:06,133
And I remember recently
going through an occurrence
871
00:50:06,177 --> 00:50:08,614
of being at home
with my family in LA
872
00:50:08,657 --> 00:50:11,486
and there being a knock on
the door...
873
00:50:11,530 --> 00:50:14,446
And me going,
"Okay, this is weird.
874
00:50:14,489 --> 00:50:17,101
"Rosie, are we expecting
anyone?" That's my wife.
875
00:50:17,144 --> 00:50:19,059
"No." Okay.
876
00:50:19,103 --> 00:50:20,626
You haven't
ordered anything?
877
00:50:20,669 --> 00:50:22,367
"No." Okay.
878
00:50:22,410 --> 00:50:25,979
Well, this is weird.
Shit!
879
00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:28,590
Okay, get down,
kids. Everyone, get down!
880
00:50:28,634 --> 00:50:29,678
Get behind the sofa.
881
00:50:29,722 --> 00:50:31,376
Quickly. Put that down.
882
00:50:32,029 --> 00:50:33,204
This could be...
883
00:50:33,247 --> 00:50:35,336
Don't know what this could be, actually.
884
00:50:35,380 --> 00:50:37,730
Shit.
885
00:50:39,253 --> 00:50:41,212
No! Ah...
886
00:50:42,126 --> 00:50:43,127
I yelled out "No."
887
00:50:43,170 --> 00:50:44,302
"Stupid!" I know.
888
00:50:44,345 --> 00:50:46,347
Sorry. I panicked.
889
00:50:48,045 --> 00:50:49,611
"Obviously, you're here, if..."
890
00:50:49,655 --> 00:50:52,527
I know.
I'll fix it. I'll fix it.
891
00:50:52,571 --> 00:50:54,181
No one's home!
892
00:50:56,227 --> 00:50:57,880
This is a recording.
893
00:50:59,317 --> 00:51:00,622
Sorry.
894
00:51:00,666 --> 00:51:04,539
You've come at bad
time because no one's here.
895
00:51:05,845 --> 00:51:09,066
However, I'm recording this
896
00:51:10,502 --> 00:51:13,070
just to let you know,
no one's home.
897
00:51:13,113 --> 00:51:16,377
Please call
again some other time.
898
00:51:16,421 --> 00:51:19,685
All the best.
Love from us, here.
899
00:51:21,121 --> 00:51:22,862
End of message.
900
00:51:24,907 --> 00:51:26,300
Beep.
901
00:51:29,434 --> 00:51:30,870
Rewind.
902
00:51:35,701 --> 00:51:36,658
Play.
903
00:51:37,790 --> 00:51:40,358
"You wouldn't
say play." Shut up.
904
00:51:40,401 --> 00:51:42,011
"Well, you wouldn't.
Why would you say play?"
905
00:51:42,055 --> 00:51:45,363
I just fuck... I'm just doing
it. All right. Stop! Sorry.
906
00:51:45,406 --> 00:51:47,582
My wife's walked
into the recording studio.
907
00:51:47,626 --> 00:51:48,583
Get out.
908
00:51:49,976 --> 00:51:51,195
Just go along with it.
909
00:51:51,238 --> 00:51:53,284
"What?" Just
go along with it.
910
00:51:53,327 --> 00:51:55,590
Stay
out of my recording studio
911
00:51:55,634 --> 00:51:57,549
when I'm doing
my door messages.
912
00:51:58,854 --> 00:52:00,639
You know,
I've only got the one tape.
913
00:52:00,682 --> 00:52:04,556
This will be all on it now,
it's an undeletable type...
914
00:52:06,035 --> 00:52:07,602
You got me for Christmas.
915
00:52:07,646 --> 00:52:09,082
Goddamn you!
916
00:52:09,126 --> 00:52:11,171
You cheapskate!
917
00:52:11,215 --> 00:52:14,261
I'll never forget it.
These undeletable type!
918
00:52:14,305 --> 00:52:18,178
Now I'm using it and you're
all on it. This is all on it.
919
00:52:18,222 --> 00:52:20,224
God, I'm probably
running out of tape, am I?
920
00:52:21,312 --> 00:52:23,140
Two sugars. Thanks, doll.
921
00:52:23,836 --> 00:52:26,186
Anyway, um...
922
00:52:26,230 --> 00:52:28,232
Oh,
fuck, he hasn't bought it.
923
00:52:28,275 --> 00:52:30,103
He's still knocking.
924
00:52:30,147 --> 00:52:33,454
Right. That's it. Kids,
get into the panic room,
quickly. Get in there.
925
00:52:33,498 --> 00:52:35,064
Get into the panic room, quickly.
926
00:52:36,414 --> 00:52:37,676
All right. Sit down.
927
00:52:37,719 --> 00:52:39,243
"Why? What's happening, Dad?"
928
00:52:39,286 --> 00:52:41,680
Well, I think the
world's coming to an end, okay?
929
00:52:43,116 --> 00:52:45,031
"Why is there
someone at the door?"
930
00:52:45,074 --> 00:52:49,470
I don't know. But where we're in
the shit,
so just you fold some blankets.
931
00:52:49,514 --> 00:52:51,777
Okay? Try and
get AM radio going.
932
00:52:52,517 --> 00:52:53,779
I'll cook some beans.
933
00:52:55,868 --> 00:52:59,176
This could be... We've
had a good life, haven't we?
934
00:52:59,219 --> 00:53:01,308
You had a good life? Yeah.
935
00:53:01,352 --> 00:53:04,050
Shit. That's this door.
936
00:53:04,920 --> 00:53:07,967
He's got
through phase one.
937
00:53:08,010 --> 00:53:09,838
Right. That's it.
Get into the second panic room.
938
00:53:09,882 --> 00:53:11,971
Quickly.
Go in. Get in there.
939
00:53:12,014 --> 00:53:13,233
Quickly.
940
00:53:13,277 --> 00:53:14,495
Hurry up.
941
00:53:14,539 --> 00:53:15,714
All right, get down.
942
00:53:15,757 --> 00:53:17,759
Fold some more blankets.
943
00:53:17,803 --> 00:53:19,500
I'll get some more beans going.
944
00:53:20,588 --> 00:53:22,851
These beans are quick,
aren't they?
945
00:53:23,722 --> 00:53:24,853
"I don't want to die."
946
00:53:24,897 --> 00:53:27,291
Well, you will die very soon.
947
00:53:27,334 --> 00:53:31,208
So, you'll never
forget your fifth birthday, eh?
948
00:53:32,383 --> 00:53:34,036
Well,
you will in a minute, but...
949
00:53:37,039 --> 00:53:39,346
Oh, I don't even want those.
950
00:53:39,390 --> 00:53:43,437
Fuck! He's knocking on this
door. Are we locking the doors?
951
00:53:47,224 --> 00:53:48,747
Wait a minute,
where's your mother?
952
00:53:54,535 --> 00:53:56,755
Hi, darling. How are
you? Good? Good, good.
953
00:53:56,798 --> 00:53:59,279
Very formal
there with my wife, too.
954
00:54:03,327 --> 00:54:04,676
They say it's the
key to a good marriage,
955
00:54:04,719 --> 00:54:06,939
I think, always just
very polite to each other.
956
00:54:06,982 --> 00:54:09,028
Hello,
darling. Good, good, good.
957
00:54:10,812 --> 00:54:12,249
When you wake
up in the morning.
958
00:54:12,945 --> 00:54:14,816
Good morning.
959
00:54:14,860 --> 00:54:16,644
Kids, come through,
meet your Mom again.
960
00:54:21,910 --> 00:54:26,350
So, that's just an example of
sort of life that goes on in
California, there.
961
00:54:26,393 --> 00:54:31,920
Always panicking, always
worried, always putting out the
voice tapes for the door.
962
00:54:31,964 --> 00:54:36,403
And just, I think,
because the world in general,
963
00:54:36,447 --> 00:54:39,537
there's the terrorist thing is
still there and there's the...
964
00:54:39,580 --> 00:54:42,627
There's the fear,
there's the worry, Mom...
965
00:54:42,670 --> 00:54:45,717
Mom never really had a lot
of that in her last few years
966
00:54:45,760 --> 00:54:48,937
and she never kind of...
She wasn't happy with me going
to LA.
967
00:54:48,981 --> 00:54:51,723
And I didn't think to myself,
have I made the right decision?
968
00:54:51,766 --> 00:54:54,726
Have I uplifted my
kids and taken them to LA?
969
00:54:54,769 --> 00:54:57,076
Well, yes. I have.
970
00:54:57,119 --> 00:54:59,600
So that was an easy
one to work out. But then...
971
00:55:02,211 --> 00:55:05,214
But then it was why,
you know, and obviously,
972
00:55:05,258 --> 00:55:06,781
they do have
better opportunities.
973
00:55:06,825 --> 00:55:10,481
There's more things
to do there than in NZ.
974
00:55:10,524 --> 00:55:13,222
You know, take a long
weekend and you've done it.
975
00:55:13,266 --> 00:55:16,313
But then America,
more things.
976
00:55:16,356 --> 00:55:18,053
Legoland, for example.
977
00:55:18,097 --> 00:55:24,146
My kids love Lego, and there's
a Legoland down the road in LA.
978
00:55:24,190 --> 00:55:26,671
And I never forget
taking my kids to that.
979
00:55:26,714 --> 00:55:28,063
My oldest boy, Finn.
980
00:55:28,107 --> 00:55:33,068
I entered him into a
Lego building competition.
981
00:55:33,112 --> 00:55:36,463
Because he's good with Lego,
and this will blow you away.
982
00:55:36,507 --> 00:55:39,161
Or maybe not.
I don't know what your state is,
983
00:55:39,205 --> 00:55:43,470
but there was six kids
making something out of Lego,
984
00:55:43,514 --> 00:55:47,213
they had a time limit
and five out of the six kids,
985
00:55:47,256 --> 00:55:49,868
guess what they
made out of Lego?
986
00:55:49,911 --> 00:55:51,783
Yep,
That's right. They made guns.
987
00:55:53,175 --> 00:55:54,220
What the hell?
988
00:55:54,263 --> 00:55:55,308
Pretty good guns.
989
00:55:55,352 --> 00:55:56,831
You know,
like really good...
990
00:55:56,875 --> 00:55:59,443
Some of them
had telescopic sights.
991
00:55:59,486 --> 00:56:04,404
One gun had a strap,
I don't how you make that out of
Lego, but pretty fantastic.
992
00:56:04,448 --> 00:56:08,582
But still they're making...
This is America for you. My son, Finn,
993
00:56:08,626 --> 00:56:10,192
he... I don't know
what he was making.
994
00:56:10,236 --> 00:56:13,239
He was just so
busy making something.
995
00:56:13,282 --> 00:56:16,503
He finally finished it,
and he held it up, and I see it.
996
00:56:16,547 --> 00:56:18,375
That is... what is that?
997
00:56:19,724 --> 00:56:23,380
Great! And then he
took it up to the judge
998
00:56:23,423 --> 00:56:26,948
and the judge said,
This is...
999
00:56:26,992 --> 00:56:29,560
This is not what the others have
made. What have you made here?
1000
00:56:29,603 --> 00:56:31,257
And he said...
He held it up. His name's Finn.
1001
00:56:31,300 --> 00:56:33,868
He said,
"I've made an F for Finn."
1002
00:56:33,912 --> 00:56:37,394
Just a big F,
and the judge was blown away.
1003
00:56:37,437 --> 00:56:39,352
He was like,
"Oh, that's gorgeous.
1004
00:56:39,396 --> 00:56:41,963
"And you know
what? You've won."
1005
00:56:42,007 --> 00:56:46,054
And I... my heart pumped,
Which is normal.
1006
00:56:50,711 --> 00:56:53,671
I checked, I checked it.
1007
00:56:53,714 --> 00:56:56,543
And I said, "Rosie, well,
my heart's still working there."
1008
00:56:56,587 --> 00:56:58,545
He said, "Good."
1009
00:56:58,589 --> 00:57:02,331
And so he held up the F and he
won, there was an applause from
the audience.
1010
00:57:02,375 --> 00:57:03,768
"Yay!"
1011
00:57:03,811 --> 00:57:08,120
And he said, "F for
Finn," you know, it was a big F.
1012
00:57:08,163 --> 00:57:12,690
and he walked over the end of
the stage with it. And then as
he got to here,
1013
00:57:12,733 --> 00:57:14,126
he turned it
around and he went,
1014
00:57:15,954 --> 00:57:17,434
"It's a gun you, dick head!"
1015
00:57:20,741 --> 00:57:22,264
I loved it. I loved it.
1016
00:57:24,702 --> 00:57:27,400
Kiwi ingenuity. Trick them.
1017
00:57:33,406 --> 00:57:35,669
So he won a box of
crayons and a certificate.
1018
00:57:36,714 --> 00:57:38,977
Very proud of him, there.
1019
00:57:40,152 --> 00:57:41,414
And I do leave...
1020
00:57:41,458 --> 00:57:44,069
I do leave the family
on occasion, and I do...
1021
00:57:44,112 --> 00:57:45,723
I do worry. I do worry.
1022
00:57:45,766 --> 00:57:48,552
Not for them, for myself,
because I'm away from them.
1023
00:57:48,595 --> 00:57:51,642
And who's
going to look after me?
1024
00:57:51,685 --> 00:57:53,426
And I shoot this
show called {\an8}Wrecked,
1025
00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:54,949
which I'm sure you've all seen.
1026
00:57:55,820 --> 00:57:58,387
Good, good, fantastic.
1027
00:57:58,431 --> 00:58:00,259
We shoot it in
1028
00:58:00,302 --> 00:58:03,828
like, tropical islands. I know,
it's difficult,
1029
00:58:03,871 --> 00:58:07,440
but the first season was in
Puerto Rico, and I've never been
there before.
1030
00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:09,703
And you know,
at the best of times it can be
1031
00:58:09,747 --> 00:58:13,490
quite a shady
place... Good trees.
1032
00:58:13,533 --> 00:58:14,578
But... Also...
1033
00:58:17,102 --> 00:58:19,234
Even I killed
myself as I said that,
1034
00:58:19,278 --> 00:58:22,020
but dodgy, really, place.
1035
00:58:22,063 --> 00:58:23,891
And so there I am,
away from my family.
1036
00:58:23,935 --> 00:58:28,113
And this was a
nervous time for me, because
1037
00:58:28,156 --> 00:58:33,640
I was situated in a
less-than-desirable area
1038
00:58:34,554 --> 00:58:36,904
of this
pretty cool island.
1039
00:58:36,948 --> 00:58:38,210
If you go to
the right area.
1040
00:58:38,253 --> 00:58:40,995
But I wasn't.
I was in a... My wife's fault.
1041
00:58:41,039 --> 00:58:43,389
She put me up somewhere where,
you know,
1042
00:58:43,432 --> 00:58:48,263
my life was threatened on a
daily occasion and we did save money.
1043
00:58:48,307 --> 00:58:50,309
But, you know, I nearly died.
1044
00:58:50,352 --> 00:58:54,052
So one night,
in the middle of the night,
1045
00:58:54,095 --> 00:58:57,490
I had to suddenly go and
get some money out from an ATM.
1046
00:58:57,534 --> 00:58:59,666
And that sounds dodgy.
1047
00:58:59,710 --> 00:59:03,583
I know, but trust me,
I just needed to... So,
1048
00:59:03,627 --> 00:59:08,762
I'm out,
late at night and to pay for the
prostitute I needed to...
1049
00:59:09,850 --> 00:59:11,243
I'm joking. I'm joking.
1050
00:59:13,637 --> 00:59:16,944
So,
let's just say I'm joking.
1051
00:59:16,988 --> 00:59:21,296
So, I'm walking along on in the
middle of the night, and basically,
1052
00:59:21,340 --> 00:59:24,473
It was a bleak
area and poorly lit
1053
00:59:24,517 --> 00:59:28,216
and I saw these cars
on the side of the road,
1054
00:59:28,260 --> 00:59:31,045
parked up right there,
pretty normal.
1055
00:59:31,089 --> 00:59:35,049
Except there was
always a person in each car.
1056
00:59:35,093 --> 00:59:36,485
And so I see a car,
1057
00:59:36,529 --> 00:59:38,270
and there's a
guy sitting in there.
1058
00:59:38,313 --> 00:59:39,532
Oh, yeah. He must
be waiting for someone.
1059
00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:41,099
Another car,
another guy sitting in there.
1060
00:59:41,142 --> 00:59:43,144
"What are you
doing in there? Bit weird."
1061
00:59:43,188 --> 00:59:44,406
Another car. Another guy.
1062
00:59:44,450 --> 00:59:46,887
I thought, "Come on,
what's happening here?"
1063
00:59:46,931 --> 00:59:50,630
That is odd. Because in
New Zealand, when you drive somewhere,
1064
00:59:50,674 --> 00:59:52,937
you get out,
you know.
1065
00:59:55,374 --> 00:59:57,637
So, I was almost tempted
to go up to the second guy
1066
00:59:57,681 --> 00:59:59,465
and say, hey,
I think you've arrived.
1067
01:00:01,206 --> 01:00:03,121
You're parked up,
your lights are off.
1068
01:00:03,164 --> 01:00:05,166
You should get out
and do what you gotta do.
1069
01:00:06,646 --> 01:00:07,778
What do you doing there?
1070
01:00:09,344 --> 01:00:13,914
But I didn't. I just
kept walking to the ATM.
1071
01:00:13,958 --> 01:00:15,437
And it was like,
2:00 a.m.
1072
01:00:15,481 --> 01:00:18,092
And I was starting to think,
as I passed the third car,
1073
01:00:18,136 --> 01:00:19,528
I thought, hang on.
1074
01:00:19,572 --> 01:00:21,400
This could be
a mugging zone.
1075
01:00:21,443 --> 01:00:25,230
And they're like, sitting in
their cars just waiting for a dweeb.
1076
01:00:25,273 --> 01:00:27,624
That's what my head's thinking,
you know?
1077
01:00:27,667 --> 01:00:29,974
And so I'm going, "Oh, God.
here we go. Do your fast walk."
1078
01:00:31,192 --> 01:00:33,281
And then I heard
one of the car doors open.
1079
01:00:33,325 --> 01:00:35,893
[MAKING DOOR OPENING
SOUND] Like that, and a guy...
1080
01:00:35,936 --> 01:00:40,462
Footsteps came out of the car.
And the guy came with the footsteps.
1081
01:00:40,506 --> 01:00:41,638
All of him came out.
1082
01:00:44,162 --> 01:00:46,164
And I could hear it,
you know,
1083
01:00:46,207 --> 01:00:50,211
and so I did what any sane
person would do when they're a
bit worried.
1084
01:00:50,255 --> 01:00:51,996
Just do a few head jerks,
you know?
1085
01:00:53,650 --> 01:00:54,651
Did three of those.
1086
01:00:55,521 --> 01:00:57,218
It was after
the third one,
1087
01:00:57,262 --> 01:00:59,090
I thought,
now that makes me look even more
muggable, you know.
1088
01:00:59,133 --> 01:01:01,092
You'd probably mug that guy,
wouldn't you?
1089
01:01:02,920 --> 01:01:03,964
So...
1090
01:01:05,313 --> 01:01:08,273
Old jerky. Old beef jerks.
1091
01:01:08,316 --> 01:01:10,928
So I think...
1092
01:01:10,971 --> 01:01:14,409
So I think,
after the third one... Now just
keep your head going that way.
1093
01:01:14,453 --> 01:01:16,760
Be confident...
Do an American.
1094
01:01:16,803 --> 01:01:21,068
Slow it down actually,
be more macho, you know.
1095
01:01:21,112 --> 01:01:23,549
And then,
the footstep got closer,
1096
01:01:23,592 --> 01:01:26,334
and I just couldn't help
thinking he was gonna mug me.
1097
01:01:26,378 --> 01:01:28,336
So I had to
have another look.
1098
01:01:28,380 --> 01:01:30,817
But I've done
three quick head jerks.
1099
01:01:30,861 --> 01:01:33,864
So what was I gonna...
I needed a purpose for my
turnaround, you know?
1100
01:01:33,907 --> 01:01:35,474
So I'm thinking,
you're an actor, Rhys.
1101
01:01:35,517 --> 01:01:37,258
Think of something.
1102
01:01:37,302 --> 01:01:40,261
Must be a reason why I have got
to have a look around.
1103
01:01:40,305 --> 01:01:42,350
So, I... My...
And here's what I did.
1104
01:01:42,394 --> 01:01:43,874
I think I
probably overdid it a bit.
1105
01:01:43,917 --> 01:01:46,790
I sort of went, oh,
how far have I come?
1106
01:01:50,184 --> 01:01:52,491
Like I'm on stage at
the Globe or something.
1107
01:01:52,534 --> 01:01:54,232
Oh, how far have I come?
1108
01:01:57,888 --> 01:01:59,454
But it worked
because as I turned..
1109
01:01:59,498 --> 01:02:02,980
and I probably shouldn't
have done the flourish...
1110
01:02:03,023 --> 01:02:07,114
The guy who was following me,
incidentally then just suddenly
1111
01:02:07,158 --> 01:02:10,030
like, took off and
hid behind a pillar.
1112
01:02:10,074 --> 01:02:13,730
So, yes,
very suspect indeed.
1113
01:02:13,773 --> 01:02:17,429
Because who sits in
their car till 2:00 a.m. Right?
1114
01:02:17,472 --> 01:02:18,952
And then
runs off to a pillar.
1115
01:02:20,388 --> 01:02:22,739
Mr. Up-to-no-good,
that's who.
1116
01:02:26,743 --> 01:02:30,964
Unless these three guys in their
cars were pillar enthusiasts
1117
01:02:31,008 --> 01:02:34,185
and had been driving around all
night with a map and trying to
work out
1118
01:02:34,228 --> 01:02:37,579
where the latest pillars were or
some of the most classic ones.
1119
01:02:37,623 --> 01:02:40,408
And then he finally pulled
up and had finally waited for me
1120
01:02:40,452 --> 01:02:43,934
to get past enough courage to to
go out because all he was doing
1121
01:02:43,977 --> 01:02:45,500
was getting a
selfie with a pillar.
1122
01:02:46,719 --> 01:02:48,329
But I don't think
that's what happened.
1123
01:02:49,635 --> 01:02:51,637
So I'm walking
along. He's behind the pillar.
1124
01:02:51,680 --> 01:02:55,641
I'm thinking, all right, well,
maybe he's learned his lesson there.
1125
01:02:55,684 --> 01:02:57,077
Don't mess with an actor.
1126
01:02:57,599 --> 01:02:58,949
Ah, so...
1127
01:02:58,992 --> 01:03:01,603
I keep walking towards the ATM,
I can see it now.
1128
01:03:01,647 --> 01:03:05,782
It's only about 20 meters away,
and then I hear the footsteps again.
1129
01:03:05,825 --> 01:03:07,261
I think, oh, shit,
he's coming back.
1130
01:03:07,305 --> 01:03:09,046
He's having another go.
1131
01:03:09,089 --> 01:03:11,309
But I can't around
now. I've already done that.
1132
01:03:11,352 --> 01:03:14,007
What's my excuse
for turning this time?
1133
01:03:14,051 --> 01:03:15,966
I've done
three head jerks.
1134
01:03:16,009 --> 01:03:18,359
I've done a
"How far have I come?"
1135
01:03:18,403 --> 01:03:19,665
There's nothing else I could...
1136
01:03:19,708 --> 01:03:21,493
He's not gonna
believe another turn.
1137
01:03:21,536 --> 01:03:23,147
He's not
going to believe it.
1138
01:03:23,190 --> 01:03:24,844
So this is what I did, guys.
1139
01:03:24,888 --> 01:03:27,107
I did, and I've done
this on the odd occasion.
1140
01:03:27,151 --> 01:03:30,632
I did it again now.
it's the Darby freeze,
1141
01:03:30,676 --> 01:03:33,200
and that's where you're just
walking and you just freeze.
1142
01:03:35,899 --> 01:03:37,944
You can do it yourself,
if you want.
1143
01:03:37,988 --> 01:03:39,903
Just add your
own surname into it
1144
01:03:39,946 --> 01:03:41,730
and it could
be your freeze.
1145
01:03:41,774 --> 01:03:43,558
But this is my one.
1146
01:03:43,602 --> 01:03:46,735
And so I did that,
and I just stopped, basically.
1147
01:03:46,779 --> 01:03:48,520
And his footsteps
stopped as well.
1148
01:03:48,563 --> 01:03:50,174
I thought,
it's worked.
1149
01:03:52,002 --> 01:03:55,222
And I'm thinking,
how long do I stay like this?
1150
01:03:55,266 --> 01:03:58,399
I can't wait till the morning,
I'm getting hungry.
1151
01:03:58,443 --> 01:04:01,228
So... And I still
wanted to have a look.
1152
01:04:01,272 --> 01:04:03,230
So this is what I did.
1153
01:04:03,274 --> 01:04:07,147
And I to this day,
I don't know why I did it,
but I did a really slow pan.
1154
01:04:21,509 --> 01:04:24,077
Now, as I got to hear
my right priffs clicked in
1155
01:04:26,297 --> 01:04:28,865
and I clearly saw him.
1156
01:04:28,908 --> 01:04:31,868
Way before he
knew that I would see him.
1157
01:04:32,738 --> 01:04:34,305
But I was amazed to see
1158
01:04:34,348 --> 01:04:36,481
that the guy not
only was he frozen,
1159
01:04:36,524 --> 01:04:38,657
but he'd frozen
in a suspect way.
1160
01:04:41,051 --> 01:04:44,228
And then once I started panning,
the cheeky prick paned as well.
1161
01:04:46,360 --> 01:04:48,232
So he's panning,
not as good as me.
1162
01:04:48,275 --> 01:04:49,755
He doesn't have
the drama training.
1163
01:04:52,105 --> 01:04:53,890
A bit,
you know, a bit jaggedly.
1164
01:04:53,933 --> 01:04:57,676
But he's panning
and I'm panning as well.
1165
01:04:57,719 --> 01:05:00,984
Now we're both
panning like this.
1166
01:05:01,027 --> 01:05:05,945
Like a couple of ornaments in an
old German clock or something.
1167
01:05:10,080 --> 01:05:15,955
Now, before long,
I'm now facing him and he's
facing the other way.
1168
01:05:15,999 --> 01:05:18,915
And I'm thinking for a split
second, "Should I mug him?"
1169
01:05:22,440 --> 01:05:24,964
Now the tables have turned,
my friend.
1170
01:05:26,966 --> 01:05:29,838
But I didn't. I looked at the
bulge in his wallet,
didn't look big.
1171
01:05:29,882 --> 01:05:31,231
I don't need it.
1172
01:05:31,275 --> 01:05:33,059
I was going to get
my own money out.
1173
01:05:34,452 --> 01:05:36,758
That was closer,
but it's a bit of a kerfuffle.
1174
01:05:36,802 --> 01:05:38,325
What would I do?
1175
01:05:38,369 --> 01:05:41,633
So I thought, no, and stupidly,
I just keep panning.
1176
01:05:41,676 --> 01:05:44,244
Now, this was my worst mistake,
I think,
1177
01:05:44,288 --> 01:05:47,639
because I should have...
But I just keep panning round
like this.
1178
01:05:47,682 --> 01:05:50,729
So I'm going all the
way and he's panning as well.
1179
01:05:50,772 --> 01:05:52,731
He's here,
still in a suspect move.
1180
01:05:53,645 --> 01:05:55,125
He's panning around.
1181
01:05:55,168 --> 01:05:58,563
And now, as he gets to here,
his right priffs click in.
1182
01:05:58,606 --> 01:06:01,827
And he's looking at
me and I'm about here
1183
01:06:01,870 --> 01:06:04,003
and my left
priffs have clicked in.
1184
01:06:04,047 --> 01:06:06,745
and they're terrible,
so I can't see shit.
1185
01:06:06,788 --> 01:06:09,661
He's gone to me now. and
I'm thinking, "Ah, he's gone."
1186
01:06:09,704 --> 01:06:10,967
I can't see anything.
1187
01:06:11,010 --> 01:06:13,404
Shouldn't have...
I panned too far.
1188
01:06:13,447 --> 01:06:15,536
Saw that movie, {\an8}
A Pan Too Far.
1189
01:06:18,931 --> 01:06:20,019
One for the dads.
1190
01:06:22,326 --> 01:06:24,067
Anyway,
I got to here.
1191
01:06:24,110 --> 01:06:25,372
And he must have known.
1192
01:06:25,416 --> 01:06:26,547
And he must
have read about me.
1193
01:06:26,591 --> 01:06:27,679
Obviously done his research.
1194
01:06:27,722 --> 01:06:30,334
He knew my
left pan was awful.
1195
01:06:30,377 --> 01:06:33,163
So... Sorry.
My left priffs.
1196
01:06:33,206 --> 01:06:39,038
And, so then he just
broke out of his pan like this,
1197
01:06:39,082 --> 01:06:40,431
and then he's like,
right, here we go.
1198
01:06:40,474 --> 01:06:42,563
And he came up,
then he's coming up like this.
1199
01:06:45,001 --> 01:06:46,132
No, I couldn't see that.
1200
01:06:46,176 --> 01:06:48,134
I'm just imagining
that's what he's doing.
1201
01:06:48,178 --> 01:06:49,222
I can't see shit.
1202
01:06:49,266 --> 01:06:51,616
I'm still here.
I'm still panning.
1203
01:06:51,659 --> 01:06:53,748
But I can
hear the footsteps.
1204
01:06:53,792 --> 01:06:57,448
And so I just panicked,
and I went into what anyone
would go into in that situation.
1205
01:06:57,491 --> 01:06:58,666
A fake phone call.
1206
01:07:01,452 --> 01:07:03,323
Hello.
1207
01:07:03,367 --> 01:07:04,933
Hello,
Police Commissioner.
1208
01:07:06,761 --> 01:07:08,415
Yes, no,
that's me.
1209
01:07:08,459 --> 01:07:10,983
Sorry, mate. I'm just talking
to the police commissioner.
1210
01:07:11,027 --> 01:07:12,637
And he was
about here at this point.
1211
01:07:12,680 --> 01:07:15,596
Yes. What's that? I've just been
accepted into police college?
1212
01:07:16,771 --> 01:07:18,730
Wow! Thank you, sir.
1213
01:07:18,773 --> 01:07:19,818
Top marks!
1214
01:07:20,775 --> 01:07:22,081
Is that right?
1215
01:07:22,125 --> 01:07:24,301
Top marks in karate!
1216
01:07:24,344 --> 01:07:25,476
I don't know
whether you're hearing this,
1217
01:07:25,519 --> 01:07:27,260
but just... The
police commissioner.
1218
01:07:27,304 --> 01:07:30,698
Just been accepted into police
college. Top marks in karate.
1219
01:07:30,742 --> 01:07:32,744
So, do what you will.
1220
01:07:32,787 --> 01:07:36,356
But I'm just letting you know
that this is a very momentous
occasion for me.
1221
01:07:36,400 --> 01:07:38,141
Just talking to the
potential mugger here.
1222
01:07:38,184 --> 01:07:39,142
Sorry, sir.
1223
01:07:39,838 --> 01:07:41,100
Go ahead. Go ahead.
1224
01:07:42,623 --> 01:07:44,451
Yeah. Oh, yes.
1225
01:07:44,495 --> 01:07:47,933
I still have the sidearm that
you issued me with during training.
1226
01:07:47,976 --> 01:07:49,891
I know it's odd that
I've still got the sidearm
1227
01:07:49,935 --> 01:07:51,067
but they must
have known something.
1228
01:07:51,110 --> 01:07:52,503
I didn't give it
back on the weekend
1229
01:07:52,546 --> 01:07:54,287
because he must have
known I was gonna be top cadet.
1230
01:07:54,331 --> 01:07:57,856
Yeah. I've still got it here.
It's fully loaded and ready to go.
1231
01:07:57,899 --> 01:07:59,379
I don't know if
you picked that up...
1232
01:07:59,423 --> 01:08:02,295
Joined the police force.
Got a fully-loaded gun.
1233
01:08:02,339 --> 01:08:04,863
Shouldn't be letting you know
all this, you're probably
hearing it anyways
1234
01:08:04,906 --> 01:08:05,864
on speaker.
1235
01:08:07,518 --> 01:08:09,172
Yes. No, no, no.
1236
01:08:09,215 --> 01:08:10,956
I'm just talking to a guy.
1237
01:08:10,999 --> 01:08:12,305
That's... No.
He's actually left now.
1238
01:08:12,349 --> 01:08:13,828
He's passed me.
1239
01:08:13,872 --> 01:08:16,744
That chap I'm talking to,
and he's using the ATM.
1240
01:08:20,835 --> 01:08:25,188
So what I'm gonna do now is
let a lot of this imagination go
1241
01:08:25,231 --> 01:08:26,972
because you're not even there.
1242
01:08:27,015 --> 01:08:29,322
I think I've read the
situation completely wrong.
1243
01:08:36,242 --> 01:08:38,201
{\an8}All right.
1244
01:08:38,244 --> 01:08:39,854
{\an8}You use your
sense of humor
1245
01:08:39,898 --> 01:08:43,206
{\an8}to get through the
difficult moments in life.
1246
01:08:43,249 --> 01:08:45,208
{\an8}This is a good thing.
1247
01:08:45,251 --> 01:08:47,471
{\an8}It reminds me of someone.
1248
01:08:47,514 --> 01:08:49,647
{\an8}I'm so proud of you.
1249
01:08:49,690 --> 01:08:51,692
{\an8}That's what I
always hope for you.
1250
01:08:52,824 --> 01:08:56,871
It is, you know,
I miss my mom so much.
1251
01:08:56,915 --> 01:08:58,612
Comedy was such
a big part of her life.
1252
01:08:58,656 --> 01:09:02,094
Any time things didn't go well,
if there was any sort of,
1253
01:09:02,138 --> 01:09:05,924
ah, depressing time or like,
for example,
1254
01:09:05,967 --> 01:09:11,016
an All Blacks loss,
Mom would cut through
1255
01:09:11,059 --> 01:09:13,758
the awkwardness
with her surreal humor,
1256
01:09:13,801 --> 01:09:16,152
and all of a sudden life
would be worth living again.
1257
01:09:16,195 --> 01:09:17,936
And I miss that.
1258
01:09:17,979 --> 01:09:21,200
{\an8}Yeah,
that's good. That's choice.
1259
01:09:21,244 --> 01:09:24,116
{\an8}That sense of
humor is a gift given to you
1260
01:09:24,160 --> 01:09:27,119
{\an8}when you were a tiny,
squeaky little boy.
1261
01:09:28,251 --> 01:09:29,991
I wasn't always squeaky,
1262
01:09:30,035 --> 01:09:32,646
to be honest with you, that's
actually, that's something
1263
01:09:32,690 --> 01:09:34,605
that sort of
came on in later life.
1264
01:09:34,648 --> 01:09:36,563
Yeah, it's a syndrome, I think.
1265
01:09:36,607 --> 01:09:39,218
I've got the opposites,
my balls didn't drop.
1266
01:09:39,262 --> 01:09:41,089
They actually went up.
1267
01:09:41,133 --> 01:09:44,267
It's almost unheard of,
but, yeah, they went right up,
1268
01:09:44,310 --> 01:09:48,009
right up,
it's my balls here, so...
1269
01:09:48,053 --> 01:09:50,795
It's getting worse
by the year.
1270
01:09:51,926 --> 01:09:53,189
{\an8}Please.
1271
01:09:53,232 --> 01:09:54,755
{\an8}Stop rubbing your balls.
1272
01:09:54,799 --> 01:09:56,844
Sorry.
1273
01:09:56,888 --> 01:10:00,674
{\an8}The only reason that you fear
the human race is that you are
new to it.
1274
01:10:00,718 --> 01:10:03,590
{\an8}And now, my love,
I think it's time for me to go.
1275
01:10:03,634 --> 01:10:05,853
{\an8}But before I go,
I want you to know
1276
01:10:05,897 --> 01:10:09,379
{\an8}that you being who you
are is a good thing, okay?
1277
01:10:09,422 --> 01:10:11,381
{\an8}We are all
here for a reason.
1278
01:10:11,424 --> 01:10:14,514
{\an8}And I think you have found your
reason in front of you tonight.
1279
01:10:14,558 --> 01:10:19,780
{\an8}So get out there and perform
because your mother,
she's watching.
1280
01:10:19,824 --> 01:10:20,781
You're right.
1281
01:10:21,434 --> 01:10:22,566
Thanks, tree man.
1282
01:10:26,526 --> 01:10:28,093
Yeah,
I can't give up comedy.
1283
01:10:28,136 --> 01:10:31,401
What am I talking about?
It's the only thing I'm good at,
1284
01:10:31,444 --> 01:10:33,533
So I'm gonna
perform for you tonight,
1285
01:10:33,577 --> 01:10:34,534
Galway.
1286
01:10:49,897 --> 01:10:50,855
Maracas!
1287
01:11:02,040 --> 01:11:02,997
Unbelievable.
1288
01:11:07,654 --> 01:11:10,570
{\an8}♪ Suspicious
streets of Puerto Rico
1289
01:11:12,311 --> 01:11:16,794
{\an8}♪ Dodgy-doers on the prowl
1290
01:11:16,837 --> 01:11:19,318
♪ {\an8}I was
locked out of my hotel
1291
01:11:19,362 --> 01:11:22,147
{\an8}♪ Or should I say my motel?
1292
01:11:22,190 --> 01:11:25,455
{\an8}♪ Wearing nothing but a towel
1293
01:11:27,283 --> 01:11:29,981
{\an8}♪ Suspicious
streets of Puerto Rico
1294
01:11:32,853 --> 01:11:36,292
{\an8}♪ I was
approached by a man
1295
01:11:38,381 --> 01:11:40,992
{\an8}♪ I couldn't
understand his lingo
1296
01:11:41,035 --> 01:11:43,560
{\an8}♪ Something
about me being a gringo
1297
01:11:43,603 --> 01:11:46,693
{\an8}♪ And would I step into his van
1298
01:11:48,739 --> 01:11:51,394
{\an8}♪ Suspicious
streets of Puerto Rico
1299
01:11:54,571 --> 01:11:57,443
{\an8}♪ What's a
naked man to do
1300
01:12:01,317 --> 01:12:03,536
♪ {\an8}I was locked out of my hotel
1301
01:12:03,580 --> 01:12:05,712
{\an8}♪ Or should I say my motel?
1302
01:12:05,756 --> 01:12:08,933
{\an8}♪ Simply looking just for you
1303
01:12:09,760 --> 01:12:11,239
{\an8}♪ And your kazoo ♪
1304
01:12:28,387 --> 01:12:29,736
Hey!
1305
01:12:41,313 --> 01:12:42,488
That's for you, Mom.
1306
01:12:55,371 --> 01:13:00,245
Well, I've got to return to
Puerto Rico because I'm in the
military now.
1307
01:13:00,288 --> 01:13:02,508
Obviously,
I'm a top cadet in the police.
1308
01:13:04,771 --> 01:13:07,295
But before I do,
I think the whole thing
1309
01:13:07,339 --> 01:13:10,386
is that one of the messages
we can get from the show
1310
01:13:10,429 --> 01:13:12,605
is that we need to
stay together, be together.
1311
01:13:12,649 --> 01:13:16,217
Humans are fearful and
fearsome at the same time.
1312
01:13:16,261 --> 01:13:17,915
I think John Lennon,
1313
01:13:17,958 --> 01:13:20,657
with his song "Imagine"
really sort of got it out there
1314
01:13:20,700 --> 01:13:23,747
that we could be a greater
people, a greater planet.
1315
01:13:23,790 --> 01:13:25,183
And I've tried to
do the same thing
1316
01:13:25,226 --> 01:13:26,793
with "Suspicious
Streets of Puerto Rico".
1317
01:13:26,837 --> 01:13:30,231
One of my new releases,
which is going to be
1318
01:13:30,275 --> 01:13:31,581
coming out very soon.
1319
01:13:32,756 --> 01:13:33,800
On cassette.
1320
01:13:35,759 --> 01:13:37,500
On door cassette.
1321
01:13:37,543 --> 01:13:41,504
So if you've got one of those
tape recorders that you use
1322
01:13:41,547 --> 01:13:45,116
when people come to your door,
put it in there.
1323
01:13:45,159 --> 01:13:50,643
And I think that people
are worrying and, you know,
1324
01:13:50,687 --> 01:13:52,471
the whole
planet isn't there yet,
1325
01:13:52,515 --> 01:13:54,342
in fact,
that's gone back many steps,
1326
01:13:54,386 --> 01:13:57,128
and it's really
hard to kind of fathom
1327
01:13:57,171 --> 01:14:03,047
how, as people when we're doing
so well and changing and
becoming better humans,
1328
01:14:03,090 --> 01:14:06,311
that we can make so many
steps back, right,
in the last few years,
1329
01:14:06,354 --> 01:14:09,749
and that's pretty fucked up and
you think to yourself, why, how?
1330
01:14:09,793 --> 01:14:11,185
What is
wrong with this thing?
1331
01:14:11,229 --> 01:14:13,492
Who's controlling it?
1332
01:14:13,536 --> 01:14:14,798
And what about the aliens?
1333
01:14:14,841 --> 01:14:16,103
And yes, that's what
we're going to end on.
1334
01:14:16,147 --> 01:14:19,455
We're going to talk
about the little beings
1335
01:14:19,498 --> 01:14:22,501
that are watching us.
Who are shit scared of us.
1336
01:14:22,545 --> 01:14:26,679
They're not gonna get in
contact because we're so weird.
1337
01:14:26,723 --> 01:14:28,159
We keep ruining it.
1338
01:14:28,202 --> 01:14:32,380
And just to show
you now a little insert
1339
01:14:32,424 --> 01:14:34,339
as to what is
actually going on.
1340
01:14:34,382 --> 01:14:37,255
Imagine how
scared little aliens must be
1341
01:14:37,298 --> 01:14:38,909
when they do see us,
because we see them
1342
01:14:38,952 --> 01:14:40,171
and we think...
1343
01:14:40,954 --> 01:14:42,260
It's worse for them.
1344
01:14:42,303 --> 01:14:43,348
Let's have a look at this.
1345
01:14:43,391 --> 01:14:45,698
Here's a scenario,
two aliens
1346
01:14:45,742 --> 01:14:48,701
in a small UFO
coming down to Earth.
1347
01:14:51,008 --> 01:14:53,837
This is where all the drama
training really comes in here.
1348
01:14:59,712 --> 01:15:01,192
That's the UFO.
1349
01:15:01,235 --> 01:15:03,847
That's not a dude
with two hands doing...
1350
01:15:06,066 --> 01:15:08,068
They're inside it,
now. Look, there he is.
1351
01:15:14,597 --> 01:15:16,076
Here we are. Look, George.
1352
01:15:18,601 --> 01:15:19,645
Just above Earth.
1353
01:15:19,689 --> 01:15:21,821
Oh, look,
there's a human.
1354
01:15:21,865 --> 01:15:23,301
Look at him. So weird,
aren't they?
1355
01:15:23,997 --> 01:15:25,346
Shit, he's seen us.
1356
01:15:25,390 --> 01:15:28,262
Ah, he is looking
straight at us. George, quick!
1357
01:15:29,220 --> 01:15:31,091
Put the
cloaking device on.
1358
01:15:35,008 --> 01:15:37,576
It's a different species,
different spices.
1359
01:15:37,620 --> 01:15:38,969
But they get along, absolutely.
1360
01:15:45,323 --> 01:15:46,280
Cloaked.
1361
01:15:48,631 --> 01:15:50,154
Nice one. George.
1362
01:15:52,069 --> 01:15:53,331
Ha ha! We've disappeared now,
haven't we?
1363
01:15:53,374 --> 01:15:55,463
Look, he's scratching his head.
1364
01:15:55,507 --> 01:15:57,204
Good, all right. We'd better
get back to the mothership.
1365
01:15:57,248 --> 01:15:58,292
Let's get out of here.
1366
01:15:58,336 --> 01:15:59,642
We've seen one.
1367
01:15:59,685 --> 01:16:01,339
Check that off the list.
1368
01:16:09,521 --> 01:16:10,783
Uh-oh!
1369
01:16:21,489 --> 01:16:23,187
You're kidding me.
You flooded it?
1370
01:16:28,975 --> 01:16:32,457
I can't believe it. How
many galaxies have we been to?
1371
01:16:32,500 --> 01:16:33,806
What's the fuel gauge say?
1372
01:16:33,850 --> 01:16:37,549
Uh... E.
1373
01:16:37,593 --> 01:16:40,987
E. Nice one, knob. Great, okay.
1374
01:16:41,031 --> 01:16:45,122
Well,
your good looks aren't gonna get
you through this one, are they?
1375
01:16:45,165 --> 01:16:48,908
The cloaking device is gonna
wear off in 30 seconds and we're
screwed.
1376
01:16:48,952 --> 01:16:50,431
He's gonna identify us.
1377
01:16:50,475 --> 01:16:54,000
It's aliens, proper aliens
to them as they are to us.
1378
01:17:00,050 --> 01:17:01,355
Right. Let's
go up to the glass
1379
01:17:01,399 --> 01:17:04,271
and give him the
photo that he deserves.
1380
01:17:04,315 --> 01:17:05,795
The cloaking
device is gonna wear off.
1381
01:17:05,838 --> 01:17:07,405
Come on. Come on, George.
1382
01:17:07,448 --> 01:17:08,754
Let's give him
the photo he wants.
1383
01:17:11,714 --> 01:17:13,106
George!
1384
01:17:13,150 --> 01:17:14,934
Oh... I don't want to.
1385
01:17:16,022 --> 01:17:20,070
I feel stupid.
1386
01:17:24,291 --> 01:17:25,336
Don't feel stupid.
1387
01:17:25,379 --> 01:17:27,468
Just come and do it,
okay?
1388
01:17:27,512 --> 01:17:30,471
I'm sure they'll put
needles into me first.
1389
01:17:37,348 --> 01:17:38,915
Holy shit. A police car.
1390
01:17:40,481 --> 01:17:42,614
George. It's a police car.
1391
01:17:42,658 --> 01:17:43,702
Oh, no.
You know what that means?
1392
01:17:43,746 --> 01:17:45,748
That's a credible witness.
1393
01:17:45,791 --> 01:17:49,621
Body policemen with uniforms
and things by their names.
1394
01:17:51,188 --> 01:17:53,407
That's it...
What're we gonna do? We can't...
1395
01:17:54,234 --> 01:17:56,759
Shit, another policeman.
1396
01:17:57,934 --> 01:18:00,327
Oh, shit,
there's two of them.
1397
01:18:01,024 --> 01:18:01,981
That's it.
1398
01:18:02,503 --> 01:18:05,071
Abduct them.
1399
01:18:05,115 --> 01:18:07,334
Abduct them?
Abduct the policemen?
1400
01:18:08,205 --> 01:18:09,162
Okay.
1401
01:18:12,339 --> 01:18:13,471
I saw you up there.
1402
01:18:15,212 --> 01:18:16,169
You're under arrest.
1403
01:18:17,127 --> 01:18:19,520
Whoa... Oh, shit.
1404
01:18:20,260 --> 01:18:22,741
Aah! Help me!
1405
01:18:23,263 --> 01:18:24,612
Aah!
1406
01:18:53,076 --> 01:18:55,861
It's a long way, it's quiet
high up.
1407
01:19:00,213 --> 01:19:01,649
What the hell happened?
1408
01:19:02,215 --> 01:19:04,174
Right, you two.
1409
01:19:04,217 --> 01:19:07,743
I don't know what you just did,
some sort of magic,
but you're under arrest.
1410
01:19:10,615 --> 01:19:11,834
Take me to your leader.
1411
01:19:12,922 --> 01:19:14,880
I can't.
We can't get it started.
1412
01:19:16,316 --> 01:19:18,014
It's George's fault.
He flooded it.
1413
01:19:21,713 --> 01:19:22,670
George.
1414
01:19:24,629 --> 01:19:27,066
All right, well,
where you from?
1415
01:19:27,110 --> 01:19:28,241
And how do I get there?
1416
01:19:29,503 --> 01:19:30,809
Easy,
it's through the light.
1417
01:19:30,853 --> 01:19:31,767
Second on your left.
1418
01:19:35,988 --> 01:19:38,034
Round the roundabout,
fourth on your right.
1419
01:19:42,647 --> 01:19:43,604
Rhys?
1420
01:19:48,044 --> 01:19:49,262
I always knew
you were weird.
1421
01:19:51,874 --> 01:19:53,484
Wait a minute.
I recognize that gun.
1422
01:19:57,227 --> 01:19:58,489
Mr. Thompson?
1423
01:20:00,534 --> 01:20:02,188
That's right.
1424
01:20:02,232 --> 01:20:04,712
Yeah.
I got fired from the school.
1425
01:20:04,756 --> 01:20:06,410
Inappropriate
shooting behavior.
1426
01:20:08,629 --> 01:20:10,240
Had to get away
as far as I could get.
1427
01:20:10,893 --> 01:20:12,068
I came to Galway.
1428
01:20:13,939 --> 01:20:15,245
Where
everyone goes to run.
1429
01:20:16,942 --> 01:20:18,248
And now you're dead,
my friend.
1430
01:20:21,773 --> 01:20:22,730
Bang!
1431
01:20:35,178 --> 01:20:36,440
Here goes the bullet.
1432
01:20:41,271 --> 01:20:42,228
Bullet.
1433
01:20:44,187 --> 01:20:46,972
Bullet.
1434
01:20:49,279 --> 01:20:50,584
Crack, crack.
1435
01:20:52,499 --> 01:20:53,979
The bullet goes through.
1436
01:20:54,023 --> 01:20:56,025
Hole gets bigger.
1437
01:20:56,068 --> 01:20:57,896
Wind comes in.
1438
01:20:57,940 --> 01:21:00,072
Or out, I'm not good at physics.
1439
01:21:03,597 --> 01:21:04,642
Who fucking knows?
1440
01:21:08,689 --> 01:21:10,953
Oh, no what have
you done to my ship?
1441
01:21:10,996 --> 01:21:13,912
We will never get anywhere now,
you prick.
1442
01:21:13,956 --> 01:21:15,696
I've always
been a shit shot.
1443
01:21:16,393 --> 01:21:17,698
Damn it!
1444
01:21:17,742 --> 01:21:18,656
Damn you.
1445
01:21:20,614 --> 01:21:22,225
Hole getting
bigger and bigger.
1446
01:21:25,924 --> 01:21:27,186
He's right. What's that?
1447
01:21:31,930 --> 01:21:33,889
Fuck, there's a wall there!
Help me!
1448
01:21:33,932 --> 01:21:35,934
Help me.
1449
01:21:35,978 --> 01:21:38,371
There's a wall still there.
Help me.
1450
01:21:38,415 --> 01:21:41,592
What is this place? Help!
1451
01:21:41,635 --> 01:21:42,723
Help me!
1452
01:21:43,942 --> 01:21:44,856
Shit.
1453
01:21:44,900 --> 01:21:46,684
It's a bird.
1454
01:21:46,727 --> 01:21:49,469
Don't shoot it.
It's me from a previous life.
1455
01:21:51,819 --> 01:21:52,777
What the fuck!
1456
01:22:13,972 --> 01:22:15,104
Thank you.
1457
01:22:17,410 --> 01:22:18,977
Thank you, Galway.
1458
01:22:22,676 --> 01:22:23,939
You're too kind.
1459
01:22:33,470 --> 01:22:34,775
Thank you very much.
1460
01:22:37,517 --> 01:22:40,129
I'm moving here.
I'm moving here.
1461
01:22:44,872 --> 01:22:45,830
Wow!
1462
01:22:48,093 --> 01:22:49,355
Come to my auditions.