Is the silence, that little pause,
just before you decide which way you're gonna go...
I guess...
I scared myself, getting to that point.
It was a real, a real reality check.
I think that's us done for today.
As in I have to stay here another night?
-At least. -Come on.
-A nurse will see you back to... -No I don't need.
What have you even written anyway, like one sentence?
I worry you're telling me what I want to hear.
So that's when I started getting off my face.
It's just easier.
And you'd never experienced any other mental health issues,
until your father passed away?
Oh this is just irritating, man, what do you want me to say?
This isn't about my dad? 'Cause it is.
And then you want me to say, oh how bad it makes me feel and how sad I am.
Like what is the fucking point of that? Yes.
It makes me feel sad, it's a lot for anyone to deal with, isn't it?
Yes, it is, Jonny, it is.
I'm going to ask, do you still want to end your life?
Jonny?
-Right now? -Right now.
No.
Oh, through the worst of it.
We need to stop at the chemist on the way home.
For your medication? Course.
And then I thought we could get some nice food, for later.
Maybe watch a film? What do you think? We can do whatever you want.
How can I be honest when other people aren't honest with me?
I really want this to be good.
Course it will, there's gonna be a gong bath.
Don't know. Not sure about the colours.
Think they're ok.
Stop at the printers, get them to sort it.
-I'll get my stuff. Oh hi. -Hey.
-Is Nan alright? -She's great. Found a film to watch.
Cool.
Regan, I've been on to the agency, they're gonna get someone else to come,
as soon as they can organise.
-Okay. -I think it makes sense.
Yeah. So do I, that's why I said ok.
Brilliant.
-You coming? -Yeah.
Bit of an atmosphere between you and her.
Not for long. Nan's getting a new carer.
-And you're okay with that? -Yeah, totally fine.
Yeah. It's not like it was a huge deal between the two of you, was it?
I need to go and collect Alix. What time are you going out tonight?
I'm not going out.
What?
I'm just not used to you staying in. We can all spend some time together.
Sure.
-What is that? -Nothing.
That's not nothing, Mei.
I wanna go back to Canada.
What?
Please.
I'm sorry, no. Where would you live?
With who? I'm sorry.
I don't belong here, this isn't my home. I've got nothing and no one here.
That's not true.
You don't wanna help me. No one does.
-Brought you a protein shake. -Thanks.
It's proper easy to make this one.
You just get your protein powder and your oat milk, whack them together,
put that in the fridge for like twenty-four hours, you get your cashews
and your collagen, put those together,
and put it on a slow blend, maximise that nutrition. What?
It's that easy, is it?
Oh and finally, I add two raw eggs in at the end but I don't mix 'em in.
I'm teasing. No stress.
But you're gonna need this if you're gonna keep smashing those curls.
Yeah, I'm feeling it, yeah.
Not bad.
There's a few of us going up the hill on Saturday,
they might have a fire. If you...
Oh like a date?
I mean kinda, I...
Alright. Count me in. Saturday sounds fun.
Hey.
Hi!
Can we have a word?
Can't talk now. Got to get to the venue.
It won't take long.
So the other night at the party I think I might have been a bit rude.
I didn't mean it when I said you were all man of the match, Duke of Edinburgh,
and when I said you were fucking pathetic and arrogant, and over-achieving,
and didn't have a life and sad...
Okay. You know what, you guys go. I'll catch up.
-See you later, man of the match! -Bye.
I'm sorry.
You're much nicer when you're not wasted.
Apology accepted.
Thank you. Oh and I got an interview shortlist for the volunteering programme!
No fucking way! Oh that's great. Oh you know I've got a friend out there.
There's no way you have a friend. I mean...
Pizza's in the oven.
Not sure if Andrew will get back in time but, what's wrong?
Do you want me to call your therapist?
No, it's not right.
It takes time, Jonny, for the body to adjust to medication.
It feels like there's this huge hole in the ground
and we're just dancing around it trying to pretend it does not exist.
-Grief can feel like that. -It's not grief Mum! It's not grief.
Last week I was stood with a bunch of pills in my hand and I just...
What is the point of me? That's what I thought.
Just felt like there's a massive weight for everyone else to carry round.
You're not.
Then why can't you talk to me? Be honest with me.
Why can no one in this family do that?
Jonny...
-There are things. -What?
I can't.
Why can't you?
What's going on?
Nothing. I'm off to work.
Yep. Nothing.
Nothing.
So that's what I'm gonna do. Act like nothing's happened.
I'm not crazy. Why the fuck are you filming me? I'm not crazy.
Sure about that hun?
I'm not crazy. Why the fuck are you filming me?
Kinda need my phone back.
Thanks. Thank you for meeting me.
I was surprised to hear from you. How are you?
Okay.
I'm just finding it really hard right now.
-College? -Just everything.
Life.
I told Mum I wanted to go back to Canada.
But she was totally foot down, no chance.
-That would be a huge decision. -I know.
But I'm not happy here.
Mei, listen. I know I haven't been all you hoped.
But there isn't a real relationship between us.
But you are my daughter.
I could help out.
With the financial side.
Could cover your ticket and your rent for the first six months or so.
Right.
And if that's where you feel you truly belong...
I don't belong here, do I?
Should have got Horrocks a mic.
He's so nervous no one's going to be able to hear him.
Well he's not making an actual speech is he?
Well, yes, he is.
Oh, well I'm sure he'll be fine.
Just really want today to work.
Even if it's shit, it ends up on your CV.
Why are you being weird?
Can we take a minute to appreciate the irony of you asking me
that next to the Good Listeners sign.
What? Jaz. Is it Jaz?
You're right. Maybe it wasn't a huge deal.
But tell me, how long until it counts as one, more than a fortnight? Six years?
No that's not what I meant.
You can just walk through town and ten guys will ask for your Snap.
Welwyn's like a pick'n'mix for you, it's not quite that easy for me.
-You said that you were totally fine. -Do I sound fine?
I like the whole flirty texts from a hot guy vibe.
Yeah, sounds like fun.
Guys. Everyone.
Hello. Guys.
Everyone. Hello.
If I could just have a minute of your time,
thanks so much for coming to today's wellness event.
So some of the things
we have on offer today that I'd like to make you aware of.
Listen to him.
Thanks, Jonny. Yes, so just one or two of the things I suppose is...
No, he listens to you. The least you can do is listen to him.
Or are you all too busy sharing memes about someone who is actually hurting?
Who doesn't deserve it.
Just to make yourselves feel better for like a fucking millisecond.
That's not quite what I was going to...
I'm talking about myself here too. I'm just as bad.
Said some horrible things. And I'm sorry about that. So laugh at me.
Take the piss out of me if it make you feel better about yourselves.
If it helps you forget what's going on in here.
'Cause that's all we're trying to do, isn't it?
Make ourselves feel less horrible inside.
Thank you, Jonny. Stay mindful everyone!
No, I'm at the college.
Yeah, Neve's coming back with me. I'm just going to make some lunch so.
Yes, Mum. Ok, love you. See you later.
You told your mum I'm coming back to yours?
She made me promise to use the good plates.
My mum wouldn't want us left alone.
Oh does she know about her daughter's wild party girl side?
What time you got to be back?
Private study this afternoon. I can do that anywhere.
Mum won't be back for hours so she won't disturb our studies.
Oh, you wanna help me again?
You're back early.
-Can I? -Yep.
It's not her fault you know.
She's never been good with saying what's going on. Not like Dad.
There was never any mystery 'bout how Dad felt.
Happy pissed.
Scary cross.
Do you remember when he cried at your graduation?
I'm not crying. I've got allergies.
Well, must be where I got it from, eh?
What?
She found her own dad. Mum did.
-What do you mean? Found him where? -In their garage. In his car.
He'd taken his own life.
She was younger than you when it happened.
-What? -They never told you because...
Because what?
'Cause we know how easily things upset you. You've always been sensitive.
Andrew.
Don't tell her I told you.
Honesty's great, isn't it? Until you learn the thing you wish you didn't know.
What you reckon? Fig and Thyme, or Ocean Morning?
What difference does it make?
Hey, today was good. It will help a lot of people.
And some people'll be dicks but that's not down to you, is it?
What's the candle for?
I've got my driving test tomorrow. Wanna turn up chilled.
Yeah, well, you'll need more than a candle.
Here, little trick. Ready?
Fan your fingers out. Press down on your chest. Take a deep breath.
Hold it. Let it out super slow.
Repeat until chilled.
How long does this normally take?
Half an hour.
-That's quite a long time. -No shit.
I used to have to do it whenever I wanted to leave the house.
I used to think I'd get hit by a car.
Or a plane would fall down from the sky and land on me. Or my house.
And I'd be stood in front of a pile of rubble
knowing my mum and dad were inside.
Fucking hell, Zia.
I don't really tell people what I just told you. I was young.
Glad you told me.
Hey.
Hi.
I just wanted to say thank you for today. And sorry for everything else.
-No you don't need to be. -I do.
Because I don't know if I'm ever going to see you again.
What?
I'm moving back to Canada.
What? Why?
There's nothing for me here.
Yeah, well same.
Everything that means something is either going or gone.
-Maybe you should try Canada. -Maybe I should.
Maybe I should.
I could stay with you for a few weeks, or whatever.
No, Jonny. You can't mean that.
Why, this place isn't good for either of us. We're the same.
We're the not-okays, aren't we? We didn't wanna split up.
So let's try again in Canada. Together.
-You gonna need a lift tomorrow? -Tomorrow?
Well you've got an appointment, haven't you? Therapy.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm staying at Mei's tonight so I'll just go from there.
You okay?
Yeah, why?
You haven't taken the piss out of what I'm... never mind.
What's the point?
I know who I really am now.
It's in my blood.
What are you doing?
What is going on?
You shouldn't be looking at my stuff.
-Who is this Brett? -What?
Why is he sending you these disgusting photographs? You're a minor.
He's just a guy. A creepy fucking guy. I barely know him.
Was it him who did that to you?
No, it wasn't.
-I'm calling the police. -No. Mum please, it was nothing.
Me and Jonny are back together now. I'm happy, ok?
-Are you? -Yes.
I'm going to go over and stay at his tonight if that's alright?
-Are you sure you're okay? -Yes.
I'm not crazy. Why the fuck are you filming me?
Sorry. This meme has got to me a bit. Mei didn't deserve that.
After everything she's done you still care. That's cool.
-You're pretty cool. -Yeah, it's been said.
-Oh has it? -Yeah, it actually has.
So, what you doing later?
Depends. What are you doing later?
I'm not doing anything later.
Hi Neve. How you doing? Need anything?
No, thanks.
Weekend tomorrow, I'll be busy so...
Really it's cool.
What about you, mate?
-I'm not your mate, dickhead. -You should watch your mouth.
-I'm not scared of you. -You sure about that?
-What the fuck? -Come on then.
Look this prick acts like he's your friend, ok, but he's not.
And you're worth more than this.
-Marcus, stop! -What?
What's this about?
My mate, my best mate really, he knew that guy.
Your dealer. Your friend, yeah?
-Okay. -Fucked my mate's life up.
Now he's doing eighteen months in young offenders.
That's horrible.
Yeah.
But that's not my fault.
I get how it is when you see your friend going through shit
but what I do has nothing to do with where he's ended up.
People project stuff on me all the time and you're projecting.
I might wanna get stoned or off my face once in a while
and I don't have to do it in front of you, and if you can handle that,
we can still see each other but if you can't, I'm not changing for anybody.
-Louis! -What are you doing here?
Came to wish you good luck.
I've already taken the test.
Oh, shit sorry.
What for? Passed.
Ah, first time, that's fantastic!
Yeah. It is fantastic.
Do you want to go and celebrate or something?
It's just I'm working at the gym later.
Course. Well, see you on Saturday.
-Louis Hamilton. -Who?
Lewis Hamilton. He's a famous race car driver.
Yeah. I know. I'm joking.
Ok, I'm all done. Here are your charts.
Newbie starts tomorrow so... Susan already gave me a card.
Can you just open it please?
Not sorry you're leaving.
It's sort of a joke.
Okay.
I'm not sorry you're leaving
because I don't think we could go out if you worked here.
And I'd like us to have a go at going out.
And you have like, little systems and things for your relationships too,
that I should know about?
'Cause the last thing I want to do is mess up and do something wrong.
Okay.
They're laminated. Fuck!
Aren't some of those quite important?
Yeah, they are actually.
Right where do you wanna eat then?
-Oh no, my bag! -What, is it alright?
What? It is.
What gate are we?
I'm not doing your laundry by the way.
I thought we had a deal.
My grandad couldn't face things. So he ran away.
My mum's selling up which is her way of doing the same.
They're both part of who I am.
But so is the strongest person I've ever known.
You have got to learn to swim like a bastard.
The person he'd want me to be honest with now is me.
-Hey. -Hey.
It's time to go.
Home.
-No, Jonny. -Mei.
-You said you wanted to come with me. -And I shouldn't have.
I'm sorry.
I know he doesn't love you.
Your dad. And I know how much that hurts.
I mean that's the thing, isn't it? The reason you feel sick inside.
Yes.
That doesn't go if you run away.
So stay and face it. All of it.
Guess I'm flying solo then.
Mei.
It's that silence again.
That little pause
before you decide which way you're going to go.
Do you know I think it probably started when I was fourteen or just before.
Actually, because we were going out for birthday pizza
which was my favourite
and I just didn't want to do anything.
And did these episodes become more frequent?
Yeah, I missed a couple of days of school quite a few times.
But then summer just gone...
-Three weeks? -Yeah, no I, I couldn't get out of bed.
Felt like pain, you know like, like real pain, like I could I could feel it.
But no, that's that's the worst that it got.
Until the other night? When you contemplated suicide.
-Jonny, can you describe... -No.
-Sorry. Can't. Not yet. -Then we'll wait.
But we're making really good progress. Don't you think?
-Yeah, yeah. -I'll look forward to our next session.
Zipping up the hills, that's why I clip in before I go.
Morning, love.
-Morning. -How was your... you know.
Therapy? Yeah, it was good.
She's good, this therapist.
All she wants from me is honesty.
For me to tell her the truth.
Well that, that makes sense.
Yeah well that's exactly what you need to do.
Yeah, and then I come home and it's the opposite.
It's like nothing here works.
What, I mean we can't even tell each other really huge stuff.
Like I didn't even have a proper conversation with you until this week.
And now I feel like I don't even know you.
We're not all touchy feely.
We're not and we might not ever be
but if we're ever going to get stronger than this something needs to change.
And what, how do you think we should change?
I don't know, Andrew, I don't know.
But maybe the therapist can help.
You know, if we actually all go together and actually try.
Is that what you want?
Okay.
Come here.
When I said I was in Ireland last summer I was really just lying in bed.
For three weeks?
For three weeks. Yeah.
It got worse after my dad. And then the party.
And, and nearly,
I mean I came this close to, there were pills and...
-Shit, Jonny! -I know it's a lot to take in.
You really thought about...
Yeah, I just didn't want to be here anymore.
But I do now.
-Good. 'Cause that's fucking scary. -No, don't be scared.
I don't mind you being worried, or concerned or looking out for me,
because I know that means that, you know.
But not scared. Scared's no good to anyone.
Everyone's got their own stuff going on.
I kissed someone.
-Zia? -No.
-Bakery girl Sarah? -No.
-Then what's her name? -Kyle.
Is it, Regan's party, you and him were outside, yeah.
Yeah.
Are you two like dating?
It's complicated.
I need to speak to Zia. Just be honest with her.
I thought you and her were over?
Yeah, no, we are. Yeah.
That's cool that you told us.
Come here, brother.
Hi!
-Well what happened to Canada? -Nothing.
It's still there as far as I know. And I'm still here.
So here.
Well what's this?
I thought I needed your money.
But turns out, I don't need anything from you.
Okay so, predicted scores for tonight?
It depends if LouLou plans on getting stuck up a tree like last time.
He so didn't need to call the fire brigade.
Nah, no that night was definitely wild.
Hey guys.
-Was it always this freezing up here? -Yeah, it's so cold.
Well, I've got some blankets in the car.
Yeah, Gareth made me bring 'em, I could always go and get 'em if you want?
-Yes, please. -You want a hand?
Yeah.
See ya!
-Do you think she knows about Kyle? -Oh mate, I don't know.
You alright?
Yeah, I...
Oh, now we're talking.
-Hey. -Hey.
-So you came back? -I needed to sort something out.
-Your dad? -No. Something else.
Anyway, would I miss all of this?
Well I'm really glad.
-Do you want to... -Yeah.
-Hi. Do you want a drink? -Yeah, thanks.
-Jonny? -No thanks.
Okay, but who are you and what have you done with real Jonny?
This is this is the real Jonny.
-More here. Got it? -Yep.
Okay.
So look Zia, I haven't been totally honest,
there's a something I need to tell you.
You don't need to.
I don't?
Not if what you're feeling is the same thing I am.
-Hey, guys. -Hey, Kyle.
You alright, mate?
Yeah, I'm good. I haven't been up here for ages.
Yeah, innit?
Is Louis around?
Yeah, yeah, man, he's just over there.
-Hi! -Hey.
I'm Zia, by the way. Here you are.
Thanks. I'm Kyle.
-Shall we get a drink then? -Yes.
Let's get a drink. Here you go.
-What are you doing here? -Just came to hang out.
But I wanted to say, don't change. For anyone.
And especially not for me. Ok?
Is that it?
Sorry.
Ever had a day that got you in a headlock,
stuck its tongue down your throat, knocks you down and puked you back up again?
Louis come, get in closer. Smile!
I have.
We all have.
And maybe no one's ever completely okay.
Maybe there's no such thing.
But you know what?
That's okay.