- Good. You're awake.
Just in time to meet our guest of honor,
Your kidney.
- I've heard about you.
You're the-- [groans]
- The kidney-pper. [thunder rumbles]
Kidney is such an interesting organ, isn't it?
We've got two, yet we only need one.
Kind of like the d'amelio sisters.
If you ask me, dixie can get d'ameli-outta here.
[laughs]
- Wait, are you trying stand-up on me?
- [scoffs] no.
Did you know the average kidney is the size of a cellphone?
Hello? Uh, he says "urine" trouble.
- Okay, this is definitely stand-up.
- It's not stand-up. If anything, it's alt-comedy.
But no matter, because I'm getting the light
Leaving your eyes.
- That's creepy.
- Oh, good. That's what I'm going for.
Blending these tones
Is a hard needle to thread, you know.
Ah, geez.
Whoa!
- [laughing] you're killing me.
And I mean that both ways.
- Who's the comedian here?
[adventurous music]
♪
[glass shatters]
- They say no guts, no glory.
Therefore, the converse must be true.
More guts, more glory.
And guts are the kidney-pper's bread and butter.
[dramatic music]
Who the hell are you?
- I am the kid-napper.
- So then where are the kidneys?
- Oh. That's the kidney-pper.
I'm the kid-napper. I abduct baby goats.
You know, kids. Kid-napper.
- Kang and martinez took the kidney-pper case.
- So I'm on the lame case?
No, sorry, I get the big, splashy cases,
The ones on the front page.
I'd be lucky to make the odds and ends section
With this case, and that's assuming no one
Grew a pumpkin that looked like one of the wahlbergs.
- I kind of like this case.
- Kidney-pper spotted on 3rd and nathan lane, closing in.
- That's nearby.
[handcuffs click] wait here.
We have a front page to ca-- I mean, a killer to catch.
- What? We can't just leave her here.
What about protocol?
- Protocol--
And I am not saying this lightly--
Schmotocol.
- Uh, this one I'm gonna need
To take in for, you know, evidence.
I'm gonna name you probable cause.
♪
- Drop it kidney-pper.
- [laughing] - [vocalizing]
I don't want those cheap laughs.
Whoa, whoa! [groans]
- Drop the kidney. - Please.
[goat bleats] - I have been the kidney-pper.
Tip your waitresses.
- [grunts]
Agh!
He got away because of you! - Easy, martinez.
I know you're flute's well-established rival,
But take it down a few steps.
- I put you on the kid-napper case.
So instead of following my orders,
You went in search of glory
Just to fill that damn glory hole of yours.
- And if you're here, where's the kid-napper, loofus?
That's "loser" and "doofus" combined.
Keep up, dooser.
- Oh, don't worry, I cuffed her to a pole.
Don't look at me like that.
I was told it's a myth they can eat through wood.
Wait, no, that's tin cans.
Oh, and the males are known to lactate.
Well, join the club.
Is there a baby nearby?
[bell rings]
- Wow, can you imagine being a stable boy?
[gasps] they always look
Like they've been freshly-hugged
By both parents.
[all laugh] - except for that one.
Oh, somebody's gonna start crying.
[giggles] - you guys,
My mom says it was just an emotional affair.
- Jacket, jayden.
- [grunting]
- [grunts] - relationships ebb and flow.
They'll be stronger for it.
- An opening in the stable boys.
This is my shot.
All I have to do is make it seem like
My family isn't in complete shambles, and I'm in!
- I absolutely love that for you obvi,
But stanakin, be careful.
- B--uh, of what? - I don't know.
Just seems like the right thing to say to someone
Before they start a life of deception.
- Look, kang, about this whole mix-up,
I just wanted to say I apologize for nothing,
And this will absolutely happen again.
- Which is why I need to teach you a lesson.
- I'm putting you on desk duty.
- Desk duty? You can't do that.
I'm the world's most smartest detective.
That's how good I am. I defy the rules of grammar.
I need to be out solving crimes,
Not desking desks.
- Go ahead.
- I don't even know how to get into this thing.
Arms first? Feet first?
What, do you wear it?
- Oh, flute, since you'll be here all day,
Tell anyone who calls for me
That I'm busy out in the field solving cool crimes.
- Aw, cool crimes!
- Getting free food at diners. - I love comped coffee.
- Sitting in a parked car talking out the window
To detectives parked in the opposite direction.
- The squad car 69.
- And would you mind processing this paperwork for me?
- [coughs] okay, that's it.
Whoo--ow. [groans]
Caught the three-hole punch on my one-ball pouch.
- Let's go get you stocked up on office supplies.
I hope you like ballpoint pens.
Everything you need is on that shelf.
And don't do anything stupid, got it?
- Ugh, I hate when people tell me what to do.
And I really hate when boxes tell me what to do.
Mm. I remember mcsnuff.
I bet this holds up.
Everything from the past does.
- Hi, kids. I'm mcsnuff the mystery mutt.
And I'm here to show you how to help me stop crime.
- Ugh, how can I do that if I'm stuck
In my stupid desk all day?
- You may be asking, "how can I do that
If I'm stuck at my stupid desk all day?"
[gunshot]
Crime doesn't play by the rules,
So why should you?
It's time to take matters into your own paws,
Even if you've been specifically told not to.
[soft dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- This just might be purr-fect.
But, like, the dog version.
Grr--grr-fect? Woof--woof-fect?
No, grr-fect. Yeah.
Grr-fect.
[goats bleating] - this came to me.
But I think it's fan mail for you.
See? It says "kidney-per."
- Here, they keep sending me your water bill.
[trash can clatters]
Hmm. Probably just some kid.
- Ooh. - Not that kind.
Now, where were we?
[ominous music]
- Well, that does it for another day at work.
Time for casual mode.
[console beeps] [sighs]
[both whimpering]
- Look at that. - [gasps]
- Looks like I argyled too soon.
- Are we clear, boss, at the crime scene?
- This burg needs a hero.
And you either die a hero
Or live long enough to see yourself
Dress up as a former hero.
Wow. Now I wanna eat a hero.
Not the hero I need, but the one I deserve,
With extra banana peppers.
- Hey, man,
You're not the only vigilante
Waiting to give a rooftop monologue.
- Reporting live from downtown
Where there's one word on everybody's lips, mcsnuff!
- Who is he? Where'd he come from?
And is he "fixed"?
- And, mcsnuff, if you're listening,
I'll be reporting later from the reservoir,
Which I'll have accidentally fallen into
While wearing a necklace made of snausages.
- What a bunch of lois lanes
All hot and bothered for a masked vigilante.
[scoffs] they're not serious journalists like me.
You know what turns me on? Honest reporting.
- You got turned on by the report
Of the gas leak at the children's hospital?
- A little bit. A little bit.
- Save me, mcsnuff, and then upside-down kiss me.
[indistinct chatter]
- Oh, hey, guys. Is this seat free?
- Why, has the financial burden of maintaining two homes
Because your parents divorced
Left you unable to afford a chair?
[all chuckle]
- Not sure if you heard,
But my dad's moved back in,
And my mom's falling hard.
- Hmm.
A second-chance love story
Would be a good addition to the crew.
Sit. We were about to eat.
My parents made my lunch
With their arms around each other as equals.
- I have my parents' leftover wedding cake.
They renew their vows monthly.
Mmm-mmm.
- And you, stan?
- My parents didn't make me lunch.
Because we're intermittent fasting as a family.
- My family and I did a juice cleanse last year.
Mother, father, and I have never been closer.
Consider yourself under consideration.
- You can almost taste that jacket, can't ya?
And that'll have to do
Because you have no lunch whatsoever.
- In case you all were wondering where I was,
I was taking a dump.
But I heard while I was in the bathroom
That mcsnuff busted another perp?
I'm just saying, he's solved a lot of your cases.
- Yeah, almost as many cases
As you've made extended poops.
- Well, maybe you'd catch a criminal too
If you weren't so busy sliding into my bm's.
If you don't mind, I've got stuff to do.
There. One paperwork.
- Martinez, where are you at on the teeth heist?
- Teeth heist?
- Oh, some real pros at the dental museum.
- Then I gotta run.
- Yeah, where you running, desk bunny?
- I gotta go, uh...
Take another dump, a big one too.
And you know how people say, "don't go in there" afterwards?
Well, this is that but in advance.
Don't come in there.
Because you will definitely find a big dump and me.
[heroic music]
♪
- [screams]
Not you, mcsnuff!
Help me, mcsnuff!
- I'm harmony flute, doing real reporting,
Unlike some desperate hacks
Who throw themselves into danger.
And I'm here in the grimsburg subway tunnels,
Which were abandoned years ago due to a hostile rat takeover.
[rats squeaking] - uh, harmony.
I think the rats are coming.
[train horn blares]
- Oh, my god. That is not what I pictured.
Aah!
[gasps]
- So now you are doin' the lois lane thing?
Good for you. Let me know how it goes!
Bye!
- [grunts]
♪ ♪
You--you saved me.
- Mcsnuff, you're under arrest
For vigilantism.
- Whee!
- Cool.
- Well, use yours. - Oh, yeah.
- Mcsnuff did that.
We all saw it, right? Yeah, we all saw it.
♪ ♪
- Just so you know, I'm not like the lois lanes.
I'm not gonna be all impressed because you saved my life
And then took me on a roof
To show me a view of the city I've never seen before--
Oh, my god, the town actually looks
Kind of beautiful from up here.
- World looks different when you're on top of it.
- Oh, your voice. It's so...Manly.
- Oh, this old thing? It's just how I talk.
- [chuckles] and what big eyes you have.
- I actually see out the nostrils.
- I bet it's hot in there. - Very.
And I think there are spiders in the ear part.
Let me give you a ride home.
But if you're ever in trouble again,
Text the snuffline.
Standard messaging rates apply.
- Thank you. Or should I say...
Good boy.
- Just think,
It'll be that but on a jacket.
You sure you have the shoulders for a jacket?
- Oh, look, there's mom. And mcsnuff?
What are they do--
Oh, my god!
I know you always wanted a dog,
But not like this.
Or maybe like this. Not judging, okay.
[dramatic music]
- Dad, I-I-I saw mom kissing mcsnuff!
- Pretty nice, huh? - Nice?
- No, I mean, nice for her, not me.
Mcsnuff is obviously a really cool,
Brave, sexy, clever, cool,
Sensual, heroic, funny, strong,
Fast guy who's extremely cool.
Maybe this town and your mom need a hero like mcsnuff.
- That dog has even got my dad under his spell.
Well, I'm not gonna let some stray
Tear my family apart and ruin my chance
Of becoming a stable boy.
Maybe what this town really needs
Is a villain.
- And more bike lanes.
- Check it out. First he takes your job.
Then he takes your girl. What's next?
Oh, wait, you don't have anything else.
Gotcha!
- Actually, I happen to have
A massive amount of credit card debt,
So not gotcha, more like backwards gotcha--
"ahctog."
- You sure are interested in mcsnuff.
Anything you wanna tell me?
- Uh, just that he's doing great out there.
And I'm doing great in here on desk duty.
You might as well call me miley cyrus
Because I've been sitting here getting the best of one world.
- Don't you mean miley stewart?
- Why would you insinuate I'm miley stewart,
The character that miley cyrus played
In "hannah montana," who is living life as a teen
While secretly being a popstar,
Allowing her to have the best of both worlds?
[gasps]
How did you know? - Because I set all this up.
I led you into the storage room
And wrote "don't knock over" on the box
Because I knew that would make you knock it over.
And then once you saw the costume,
I knew you wouldn't be able to resist
Putting it on and fighting crime.
But as mcsnuff, you wouldn't be getting
Any of the glory, so you'd learn the lesson
That justice is its own reward.
But you never learned it,
So I have to tell you the lesson.
Flute, justice is its own reward.
- Ugh, you could have just told me that
In the first place.
- A true mentor takes the longest route
To travel the shortest distance,
Like a butterfly on a windy day.
- Well, now it seems like you're just making up
Sayings about mentors.
- Hey, who's the mentor here?
- Starting to think no one is.
But I'm solving crimes, and everybody loves me,
Including harmony.
- Do they love you or the suit?
♪
- Kang's right.
I do all the work, but he gets all the glory.
It's time for me to tell the world that I'm--
[sinister laughter]
Somebody there?
- Follow the warm stream running down your thigh.
No. Down here.
If you tell the truth, it will ruin everything.
People don't love flute. They love mcsnuff.
Especially harmony.
[glass shatters]
- Ha! [grunting]
- I'm taking you to the pound.
[phone beeps]
See? It's from harmony.
She's in trouble, so she texted me
On the snuffline, not you.
♪
- Oh, he was fighting himself,
Like I was in the original spi--
Wait, is that the whole reason I'm here?
Eh, it's good to get out of the house.
[tires screech]
- Harmony, I came. Where is she?
"where are you?"
No, not "whales are yummy." that's not cool or true.
Damn these giant paws!
Ooh.
I deserve a treat.
In the words of the bard...
Ruh-roh.
♪ ♪
- Oh, come on, probable cause, that's not helping.
But it would make a fun tiktok. - Summers!
- Yes, sergeant yergunnawannaseedis?
- You're gonna wanna see this.
[remote clicks]
- And we go now to a live feed
From an abandoned warehouse downtown
Where a crazed lunatic
Claims to have captured mcsnuff.
- People of grimsburg,
It is I, the dognapper.
And I'm here to rid this town of your favorite hero,
Unless there is a bigger hero who can save him.
Let's say a mustachioed detective?
And then anyone who was falling in love with mcsnuff
Would have to shift their love
To the new, better, bigger mustachioed hero
Who saved him because that's how love works!
[laughs evilly]
- Ugh, how did you knock me out?
Did you slip something into one of those 24 beers?
- Shut up, you don't get to ask the questions.
You get to sit and stay
Until my dad comes to save you.
And then everything will be right again.
- Ugh. I am your dad.
- Oh, really? [chuckles]
If you're my dad, then when is my birthday?
- Uh...April-ish?
- Dad!
♪ ♪
- Remember earlier when I was like, "be careful,"
And you were like, "of what?"
And then I was like, "I don't know"?
I think this might be it.
- Oh, god, we've gotta get out of here!
- Hurry, I'm not supposed to die like this.
I wanna die in a road warrior battle
After the climate apocalypse.
Please, god, all I need is five more years.
♪ ♪
[grunts]
[grunting]
- No time to rescue me and mcsnuff.
Leave me. Take the suit.
Tell the world it was you all along.
Get the glory and the mom!
- Smart kid. Save me.
- The fact that I'm genuinely not sure what he's going to do
Is concerning.
- Mcsnuff! - Hold on!
- I'm coming in, so you can save me.
[glass shatters] - what are they doing?
- It's like you said, those women aren't serious
If they let themselves get all swept-up like that.
- Maybe I was wrong.
You know, it felt nice getting swept-up
In the moment, whisked out of a subway tunnel,
Saying "whee" and really meaning it.
Who are we to judge them for what they like?
No, if they wanna overly spray their hair
And wear poly-fiber suit jackets,
I fully support them.
Oh, my god, those women are so flammable.
[explosions and screaming]
- You're a little turned on right now, aren't you?
- Oh, yeah.
[crowd gasps]
- Where's mcsnuff?
- Mcsnuff is...Is...
- Do it, dad.
Tell them it's you.
♪ ♪
- I am proud to say that mcsnuff is dead.
[all gasp] but he'll never die.
[all sigh] well, no, I mean, he is dead.
[all gasp]
But he can never really die
Because mcsnuff is inside all of us.
And I know that because, in a way,
I was inside of him.
- Mcsnuff was gay? - We're totally okay with that.
- I love cnn's new year's eve!
[cheering]
- Why didn't you tell them, dad?
You could have been the hero and gotten mom back.
- Because sometimes justice is its own reward.
- Yeah, I taught him that.
Mentor. Continue.
- And I guess I don't need a jacket
To have a pretty awesome family.
- No idea what you're talking about, kiddo boy, no idea.
- I've been meaning to bring this up.
Does your dad not know your name?
Because he hasn't said it in, like, a while.
- Prison is tough, though. It is.
I miss waking up and immediately seeing
The love of my life,
Who's been sleeping next to me all night.
Folks, I'm talking about my phone.
[booing]
- Oof, netflix will give anybody a comedy special.
- Marvin, the raccoons are back.
And one of them has a switchblade.
- Coming!
- [cackling]
So what's up this weekend?
- Just...Hanging around.
[cackling]
- We don't have to talk.
- Bento.