- MAN: ♪ MTV ♪
- [angelic vocalizing]
- Oh, hey, darlings. I didn't see you there.
Just Michelle Visage here enjoying a cozy night in,
sitting by the fire,
sipping on a brand-sponsored cocktail,
and cracking open one of my favorite holiday classics.
It's a story that's full of holiday spirit,
filled with quirky small-town characters,
and banned in 32 countries for being, quote, "too gay."
So kick your boots off, grab yourself a drink--
if there's anything left--
and enjoy a tale that begins
like all other Christmas stories:
with sweeping shots of New York City.
- ♪ La-la, la-la, la ♪
♪ La-la, la-la, la ♪
♪ Is my favorite holiday ♪
[electronic beats]
- MICHELLE: Twas the week before Christmas
and all through New York,
everyone was feeling the spirit,
except one lady hard at work.
- [ding]
- Take this up to publishing, size 80 headline.
Something splashy like,
"Twelve Skirts That Say I'm a Slut,
but I Kind of Know Math."
- [gasps, laughs]
- [indistinct chatter]
- Hey, queen. - Tristan.
Is that my favorite gay coworker?
- Does this answer your question?
- Ah, it's so gay! I love it.
- It's almost like it's my entire personality.
- BOTH: [laughing]
- So, any plans for the holidays?
- Oh, you know me. I'll be working the whole time.
The only thing I'll be opening on Christmas is my emails.
- Girl, do you not have any family or friends
to spend the holidays with?
- Well, I have you, right? You're my friend.
- No, babe. I'm your gay coworker.
I'm just here to blindly support you
and recite catchphrases that I learned from black women.
Wig.
- Well, I'm trying to look good for the promotion.
- You mean...
- BOTH: Executive Fashion Ladyboss in Chief.
- Ah, you're totally gonna get it.
You are, like, the Joan Didion
of telling people to wear scarves as shirts.
- Well, I just hope Hannah thinks so.
- HANNAH: Olivia! In my office now!
- Wish me luck.
- [phone ringing] - [indistinct chatter]
- HANNAH: Olivia!
- ♪
- [sobs]
- Someone please find me a new assistant!
[sighs]
- What did she do?
- [sighs] I don't know.
Something about chemo, taking off work.
I don't know. Hah!
Hey, listen, thanks for coming in.
There's something exciting I'd like to discuss with you.
Does the name "Tuckahoe" mean anything to you?
- Is that, like, German for "big taco"?
- [laughs]
It's this little town that
all the major rags are buzzing about.
Apparently they're obsessed with the holidays.
Hah, hah, hah!
Makes me want to vomit.
- So you want me to write an exposé on a Christmas town?
- Dear girl.
Readership numbers are down, Olivia.
Everyone's saying that print journalism is dead.
Well, we need something controversial
to put us back on top.
Imagine it: nice little town, top of the naughty list.
[laughs]
I want you to go there and dig up some dirt--
covertly, of course.
And most importantly,
get your hands on this winter crown.
- [gasps] Whoa.
- HANNAH: Mesmerizing, isn't it?
It's the grand prize at this silly little competition
they throw every year.
The ultimate winter accessory
that will have the world reading this exposé.
I want it on the cover, Olivia,
of the annual Christmas issue.
That's right--
- BOTH: The most important issue in fashion.
- OLIVIA: Wait.
How am I supposed to write about Christmas?
I always spend it at work.
- All I'm saying is it would look pretty good for that
promotion you've been eyeing?
But if you don't wanna do it, I'll find someone who will.
Maybe...Tristan.
- TRISTAN: You are snatching my edges, sis!
- If he ever gets around to doing work.
- He's--
- Look, I'm gonna need an answer by tomorrow, okay?
- MICHELLE: As Olivia sat there, she pondered and reminisced.
Is Christmas a day she regrets to have Christ-missed?
- What do you think, Barbara?
What do you do when you're at a crossroads?
- Take the job, Olivia!
- Barbara?
- All great lady journalists do anything to get the story.
Ask tough questions. Go undercover.
- OLIVIA: Go undercover, huh?
- ♪
- Hannah? I'll do it.
You'll have the exposé on your desk in a week.
Goodbye, Olivia St. LaPelle.
Hello, Maggie Zeen.
- [triumphant Christmas music]
- [folksy music]
- Excuse me?
Can you tell me where the Tuck'd Inn is?
I'm here on business.
- Christmas business?
- Um, sure.
- [bell rings] - [gasps] It's starting!
- What's starting?
- Really not from around here, are you?
- ♪ The Christmas trees are on display ♪
♪ And looking picture perfect ♪
♪ It's coming from their college fund ♪
♪ And definitely worth it ♪
- ♪ There's cookies in the oven ♪
- ♪ And Grandma in the kitchen ♪
- ♪ The snowball fights are mostly ice ♪
♪ But hey, that's just tradition ♪
- ♪ I met a man of mystery one day ♪
♪ And been in love since ♪
♪ He's from abroad and super hot ♪
- ♪ And definitely not a prince ♪
- ♪ There's mistletoe on every door ♪
♪ And kissing without worries ♪
- ♪ Except for maybe one, which is ♪
♪ Whoever gave me herpes ♪
- ♪ It's a Tuckahoe Christmas ♪
♪ There's magic in the air ♪
- ♪ And if you listen, you'll hear the children ♪
♪ All caroling out in the square--shut up! ♪
- ♪ It's a Tuckahoe Christmas ♪
♪ In case you didn't know ♪
♪ It's Christmastime in Tuckahoe ♪
- ♪ We've got a kid with polio ♪
♪ And look, he's got his crutches ♪
- ♪ I haven't felt my legs in years ♪
♪ But hey, it's got its blessings ♪
- ♪ A Christmas ghost, a talking dog ♪
♪ And look, it's Dolly Parton ♪
- ♪ I'm only here for this one part ♪
♪ 'Cause I ain't been paid, darlin' ♪
- ♪ It's a Tuckahoe Christmas ♪
♪ There's toys in every store ♪
- ♪ A chance to do something real creepy ♪
♪ Outside a woman's door--hi ♪
- ♪ It's a Tuckahoe Christmas ♪
♪ In case you didn't know ♪
♪ It's Christmastime in Tuckahoe ♪
- ♪ I plan on finding ♪
♪ What this town is hiding ♪
♪ When I do, I know that the promotion will be mine ♪
Why did I just sing that? Oh, pardon me.
- [tapping]
- DANCING HUSBANDS: Woo!
- Those are your...husbands? - Mm-hmm. Why do you ask?
- DANCING HUSBANDS: Woo!
- ♪
- ♪ It's a Tuckahoe Christmas ♪
♪ It's kinda about God ♪
- In a consumer-capitalist commercial way that uses
religion as a façade. - OTHERS: Shut up!
- ♪ It's a Tuckahoe Christmas ♪
♪ In case you didn't know ♪
♪ It's Christmastime in Tucka-- ♪
♪ Christmastime in Tucka-- ♪
- [all gasping, chattering]
- It's Mayor Coont!
- [drumroll]
- [cymbals crash]
- [cheers and applause]
- Merry Christmas, Tuckahoe!
- ♪ It's Christmastime in Tucka-- ♪
- ♪ Christmastime in Tucka-- ♪
- [countrified] ♪ Christmastime in Tucka-- ♪
- ♪ Christmastime in Tucka--hi ♪
- ♪ Christmastime in Tucka... ♪
- Oh, sorry.
♪ Christmastime in Tucka-- ♪
- ♪ Christmastime in Tuckahoe ♪♪
- [applause]
- [instrumental "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"]
- Is that the mayor? - Coont.
- What did you just call me?
- Mayor Coont?
- MAYOR COONT: Seasons tidings, my town!
Tomorrow marks a very special day.
It's the first day of our annual Winter Ball!
- [cheers and applause]
- Now, I don't need to tell you how it works,
but I will anyway just in case somebody comes from out of town
on Christmas business or something.
The ball. The ball is a weeklong,
multi-part competition to judge
what street in town embodies the holiday spirit the most.
- [cheers and applause]
- Delia, the crown, please.
- Work it, girl!
- [sighs]
Gonna miss sleeping in this little number.
- [laughter]
- As Delia Von Whitewoman,
the head housewife of Kittenheel Court,
and the winner of the last eleven winter balls,
I just wanna say...
it's just a silly little crown,
and not something to plan your entire year/life around.
- [laughter]
- ["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" continues]
- Let it go, Delia!
- [Gollum-like] Or what?
- [gasping, disturbed exclamations]
- I mean, here you go, Mayor Coont.
- What? Wow.
- As our forefathers once ordained,
no citizen shall see the crown before the final pageant,
or else they will fall victim
to the dreadful Tuckahoe Curse.
- [gasping] - MAYOR COONT: Mm-hmm.
I'm sure everyone here remembers
what happened to Little Lennie,
our local polio child.
- Little Lennie!
- Russ, could you please lock this away?
All right.
Tuckahoe, start your engines,
and may the best housewife win!
- [cheering]
- [horn and drum fanfare]
- Bitches!
- [shouting, laughter]
- [indistinct chatter]
- Oh!
Oops!
- Oh my god! I'm so sorry.
- No worries!
I'm--I'm sure it will come out in the wash.
Can you hold this?
- [angelic choir sings]
- [sultry music playing]
- [gasps] - Hey, Mack?
Could you take the crown to that secret location
nobody knows about? - Oh--
- Sorry about that.
Name's Big Russ. I'm the mayor's security.
- Maggie. Uh, Maggie Zeen.
- Well, looks like I owe you another, uh...
Wait a second, is this coffee?
- It is. It is coffee, yeah.
I actually love coffee.
- Well, you love coffee? That is crazy!
'Cause I also love coffee.
- Really? Oh my god,
I've never met anyone else who loves coffee.
[laughs giddly]
I actually even have this saying in the morning:
don't talk to me until I've had my--
- BOTH: --hot bean water.
- Would you maybe wanna grab a cup with me?
- Uh...I'm really busy with work.
But...maybe I'll see you around.
- ♪
- Bye, Maggie Zeen.
- Lost the scent of the crown.
But fortunately, I have a reservation at the town inn.
It's the perfect place to chat up the locals and get the scoop.
Someone's bound to know where that crown is hiding.
- [indistinct chatter, laughter]
- [yelps] - Oh my god! I'm sorry!
I was just checking to see if you were on duty.
- Ooh, girl, I thought you were that Annabelle doll!
[sighs] Yeah, I'm on duty.
[laughs] And I am happy to take you!
[laughs] Just so you know,
I almost lost my license last week,
but for nothin' serious. Huh!
Judge used all this legal jargon.
You know, like "vehicular manslaughter"
or something like that, I don't know.
Anyway, where you goin'? - The...Tuck'd Inn?
- Oh, I love that little hole in the wall.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, the pictures online looked really quaint.
- No, there's literally a hole in the wall.
Tried parallel parking?
Hmph, backed right into the lobby.
[laughs] Buckle up!
- Oh, your name is Bea Eep, like a car?
- Nah, bitch, like a-- - [honks horn twice]
- BEA EEP: Woo!
- [loud crashing, clanking]
- BEA EEP: Hold on. I know a shortcut.
- MICHELLE: After many misturns and the cab breaking down,
the two pulled up at dawn to a seedy edge of town.
- [engine running]
- [tires screeching] - [loud crash]
- [car horn honks] - BEA EEP: Who said my name?
- [Bea Eep's car drives off]
- Not from around here, are you?
- [wind gusting]
- Oh, uh, do you work here?
- If by "here" you mean this alley, then yeah, I work here.
- Oh, so you--you do construction?
- If by "construction" you mean
handling heavy pipes with my hands,
then yeah, I do construction.
- Oh, so you're a...plumber?
- If by "plumber" you mean
sucking massive clogs out of people's holes,
then yeah, I'm a plumber.
- Oh, you're a whore.
- Ooh, yeah, that's me!
The name's Kitti.
Allow me.
- [slow jazz music]
- Oh, follow me, please.
Excuse me.
Time for my morning cold potato offer.
Boys! Good news!
Just got back from the clinic clean as a whistle...
that was just in someone's ass.
[laughs] Come! We drink.
- Oh, look at you!
- [excited chatter]
- [slow jazz music continues]
- [dings bell]
- Hello?
- [laughter, chatter in background]
- [rumbling, crash]
- Woo! Oh! Hiya, gal pal.
You checkin' in? - Are you okay?
What--what were you doing up there?
- Oh! I thought it'd be neat to install a fire pole.
Turns out I forgot the pole.
But there is a fire up there.
Oh, I'll get to it later.
Hazel Delashes. I run the inn--
well, when it isn't running away from me.
- I have a reservation under Zeen.
First name, Maggie.
- Maggie...Zeen?
Well, like a magazine? [gasps]
You're not one of those reporters from the big city,
are ya?
- No, of course not!
No, I'm a...
jar...
nail...
...list.
- A journalist?
- -- !
- Like somebody who makes journals?
- Yes! That! Oh, yeah!
- Why didn't you say so in the first place, girly?
Journals are one of my top five favorite things.
Let me show you to your room.
- [keys jingling]
- It's one of these. Come on.
- HAZEL: Oh, son of a bisque!
[sighs]
- [creepy music]
- [gasps] Ooh!
It's musty.
- Mm, that's just me.
- [loud squish]
- Oh! Why is the mattress wet?
- Didn't ya ask for the pirate theme?
Arrgh! [laughs]
It's probably pee.
For pirate?
- [stately music]
- [laughter]
- I thought so. Oh!
- Ladies. - [clinks glass]
- [indistinct chatter]
- Ladies! - [glass shatters]
- [rest of glass shatters] - Thank you all for coming
to the Kittenheel Court Announcement Club,
and for adhering to this month's theme: big hats.
Remember, next month is little gloves,
as suggested by Bernice.
- [giggling]
- Good suggestion. - Thank you, Bernice.
Our first announcement, as you all know,
is that tomorrow is the Winter Ball.
I hope you all are well rested.
- With the twins running around, fat chance.
- [laughter]
- That's funny, Lanette.
Do you think this is something to laugh about?
- It's just a joke. - Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I had front-row tickets to
"Lanette: Live at the Giggle Factory."
Please, tell another joke.
- I don't have another joke.
- Well, then what are you good for?
Get out. And take your ugly hat with you.
- [gasping]
You look like a bargain bin Pippa Middleton.
See you tomorrow, hon.
- I think she went too far...
- Now, where were we? Oh, I remember.
Oh, Bertram!
- [wheels clanking]
- You all have met my husband, Bertram,
the very rich owner of the local bank.
And I couldn't be luckier to have found such a generous,
open, and understanding prenup as ours.
Isn't that right, Bertram?
- Aww! - Aww!
- Bertram, stop. Not in front of everyone!
Lights.
- [laughter]
- [indistinct chatter]
- Christmas Eve marks yet another year
where Kittenheel Court takes home the crown.
But I'd also like to announce that it will commence
of the grand remodeling of downtown Tuckahoe!
- [gasping, exclaiming]
- With Bertram's help, we ladies of Kittenheel Court
are going to turn this...
into this.
- [exclaiming]
- No more hookers or wild dogs,
or that bedbug-infested Tuck'd Inn.
Now we'll have what we always dreamed of...
the largest Cardigan Super Outlet
in the tristate area!
- [cheering, laughing]
- Oh, crap!
- MICHELLE: As Olivia walked through the bar
in her cocktail skirt,
she chatted up Hazel to dig up some dirt.
- [surfer version of "It Came upon a Midnight Clear"]
- I'll take a Manhattan.
- You mean like that city where some people are from?
- I mean a...cosmopolitan.
- You mean like the people that are from that city?
- I'll take a water!
- Water, huh?
Love that stuff.
- I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were there.
- No one ever does.
I was actually diagnosed with chronic no personality disorder.
No interests, no talents, no original ideas.
Kind of like a background character in my own life.
- Well, what do you want to do with your life?
- Become an international pop star.
I'm Jane McBeige.
I deliver all the mail here in town.
Well, until my big break.
- Maggie. Say...
if you deliver the mail, you must've heard about some
scandals, corruption?
Maybe where a certain crown is being kept?
- [laughs] Doll, that crown
is locked up tighter than my ex-husband.
The only way of getting your hands on it is by winning it.
- Oh, by the way, Hazel, you got another letter from the bank.
- Well, it's probably about that loan.
[chuckles]
Oh no! Oh no, no, no!
- What is it, Hazel? - It's an eviction notice.
It says they're gonna tear down the inn on Christmas Eve!
- What? They can't do that!
This is where I get all my work.
- I'm so behind on the loan they're gonna...
they're gonna bulldoze the inn in five days!
- [customers exclaiming]
- I guess that's just how banks work.
- Oh, come on!
There's got to be something we can do!
- MICHELLE: But as Olivia sat there
next to the Broads of Downtown,
she had an idea, a way to get close to the crown.
- What if you entered the Winter Ball?
- Huh? - What?
- [laughter]
- No-- - Very funny.
- Think about it.
If you won the crown, the downtown would be named
the most Christmassy street in Tuckahoe.
There's no way the mayor would tear it down then.
- [stutters] But how are we gonna beat Kittenheel Court?
- You know what?
- [exclaiming]
- Oh my goodness.
- I may just be a girl named Maggie who makes journals.
But I can feel it.
There is magic in this inn.
- [creaking]
- [loud crash]
- ♪
- We need a leader if we are going to compete.
And who is going to lead a bunch of busted-ass broads like us?
- [indistinct chatter]
- I'll do it! - You?
- OLIVIA: Yeah, that's right!
Tomorrow I'm gonna be in the square
repping the Broads of Downtown.
Who's with me?
- Oh, like I'm gonna let anybody else
destroy this place before me.
- [laughter]
- And like I'm gonna let them
demolish the last gloryhole in town?
- Like I'm gonna let you gals
put your hands in a pileup without me.
- Oh, if we're gonna compete, we need one more person.
- I'll do it.
- Any takers? Come on, ladies.
- I'll do it.
- Is there anybody around here? - I don't think there's--
- Hey, what about you, Jane?
- Oh! - Oh!
- I'll do it!
- Then it's settled.
We'll win the crown and save the inn!
- [cheering]
- Very exciting. Very exciting.
- But first we need to do something about...this.
- What? I put on deodorant today.
- [indignant chatter]
- [clanking sound]
- You hear that, ladies?
That's the sound of a makeover montage!
- No, that's actually just the sound of a couple of rats
-- each other off in a radiator.
- [clanking] - Oh.
- ["Sissy That Walk" plays]
- Oh! Oh!
- [exclaiming]
- Careful, she left a snail trail all over the bar.
- That's it! - Oh, you like that?
- Yeah, I like the hands.
- ♪ Now sissy that walk ♪
- Oh!
- ♪ Now sissy that walk ♪
- [gasps]
- ♪
♪ Uh oh-- now sissy that walk... ♪
- [gasp] Yes!
- How do we look?
- Like winners.
- MALE ANNOUNCER: Live from downtown Tuckahoe,
the Christ-missiest town in America,
it's the Tuckahoe Annual Winter Ball!
- Well, it is a beautiful winter evening here in Tuckahoe
and the perfect night to kick off the annual Winter Ball.
Isn't that right, Kreston Carsley?
- Oh, it sure is, Matt Rothews!
Even our wives joined us here tonight in the audience.
- Oh, hi, hon! - Look at her.
- Oh, your wife looks cute. - Thanks, I did her hair.
- Oh, I love it. Did she get a new bra?
- Mm, I'm not sure, but I cannot wait to
bend her over my desk later and mess that thing up.
- Yup, that's hot.
Alright, now, for the first competition,
it's going to be the Holiday Runway.
Isn't that right? - Yes!
And for the Holiday Runway,
each street will debut a series of unified looks
for a chance to impress the mayor.
Ooh, here she comes now.
- [cheers and applause]
- First up, L'Chaim Lane, serving us Hannakouture.
- Hm, mazel.
- [Jewish-style music plays]
- [applause]
- ♪
- Well, well, well.
Looks like the downtown rats made it out of the sewer!
- Bitch.
- Oh! Your hair looks expensive.
Who might you be?
- I'm Maggie Zeen.
And I just wanna say you better watch your back.
'Cause this year,
the competition's gonna get a little tougher.
- Mm-hmm.
- Tougher, yeah, if you took out the "e" and put the "r"
between the "t" and the "o."
- Troug? - Trug?
- Truffaut? - Wait, no--
- It's trough, as in the thing
you'll be eating out of 'cause you're pigs.
- I'm so sorry, can you say it one more time, please?
- I--I thought you just said that we were rats.
- ON PA: Kittenheel Court to the stage, please.
- Watch and learn, little rats. Squeak squeak.
- And of course Kittenheel Court serving Nativity Scene Realness.
- ♪ Joy to the world ♪
♪ Joy to the world ♪
♪ Let heaven and nature... ♪
- I like her shoes.
- [hip-hop beat]
- ♪ Joy the world, the Lord is come ♪
- Mary!
- Are you there, God? It's me, your baby mama.
- Very creative.
- ♪ Joy ♪
♪ Joy to the world ♪♪
- [cheers and applause]
- Ooh, next up, I wasn't expecting this.
- This is a real shocker.
- It's the Broads of Downtown Tuckahoe
giving us Santa's Werk Room.
- Hm! - I don't know...
- ♪ Come and taste my Christmas cookies ♪
♪ From my lovin' oven ♪
♪ Come and taste-- ♪
- [audience groans] - Oh!
- Ow!
- [screams]
- That's gonna leave a mark ♪
- ♪ O-o-oven ♪
- [gasping] - [jeering, some applause]
- A level of unprofessionalism...
- Far too much.
- [loud jeers, applause]
- Mayor Coont, your final judgment?
- Put that away!
- Kittenheel Court is the winner!
- [sighing]
- [horn and drum fanfare]
- I told you to lock it away.
- BIG RUSS: Lock what away?
- MAYOR COONT: The crown! - BIG RUSS: I did.
It's in a secret location that no one knows about.
- MAYOR COONT: And it's locked up?
- BIG RUSS: I couldn't find the key,
so I just put a really heavy book
in front of the door.
- MAYOR COONT: Russ, like I say every year, there's no key.
It's a code.
- BIG RUSS: Mm, that explains the keypad.
So, uh, what was the code?
- Oh, I told you the code!
It's 80085--
- [struggling]
- Oh! - Oh!
- Careful there, Coffee Girl.
- Oh. Hey...Coffee Guy.
- BOTH: [laughing]
- Yeah, will that be cream or sugar?
- Uh, oat milk, please, or else I'll -- my pants.
- BOTH: [laughing]
[laughing trails off awkwardly]
- What were you doing back there?
- Oh, I wa--I was just climbing up to...
get a better look at this big tree.
Wow, we don't have those where I'm from.
- And where is that?
- The Gobi Desert.
- Oh.
Oh no, your tape recorder's all wet.
- Oh. Oh...
- Here.
- [sultry music]
- Thank you.
- Look, I know you're some classy business lady
and I'm just some security guard with a tragic backstory
that's left me incredibly single, but...
is there any chance that you might--
- [phone vibrates] - ["Kitty Girl" ringtone]
- I'm sorry. I--I have to take this.
- Hannah? - Do you have the crown?
- I'm...working on it.
- HANNAH: Well, what's the hold up?
Olivia, I did not send you there
to walk around with your thumb up your ass.
Olivia, do I need to remind you how much you owe me?
Darling, I was there for you when nobody else was.
Olivia, if you drop one more call,
you're going back out on the street where I found you.
- Yes, Hannah.
- HANNAH: Let me tell you something.
You're lucky I found you on that stoop.
I risked my career for you, so you better repay me--
- I will. I will get it, Hannah.
- HANNAH: That's a good girl.
- MICHELLE: After a series of losses,
the broads were losing faith. Holed up in the bar--
- [banging on door]
- Who the hell? - Hi! What's up, bitch?
- Kim Petras, what are you doing here?
- ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of-- ♪
- No, hold up, uh-uh.
You can't just come into people's houses
and start singing.
I am in the middle of something, so...
- KIM: Oh, okay.
- [fire crackling]
- Right. - Okay.
- Now, where were we? Ah, right.
The broads were just thinking maybe they should just give up.
- [sad piano music]
- You know, maybe we should just give up.
- I'll never be a pop star after this.
- No, we can't give up.
I mean, did Katie Couric give up
when her daytime talk show was canceled?
- Who?
- Did Rachel Maddow give up when--when everyone said
she looked like a lesbian Andrew Garfield?
- Yeah, but girl, even if we set our -- up
to the Nth degree, we still ain't no Kittenheel Court.
- Maybe that's the problem.
We're trying to be Kittenheel Court.
- Oh, Christ on a cracker, she's climbing on the furniture.
- Who are these Kittenheel Court ladies anyway, huh?
Huh? They're rich. So?
They're--they're--they're manicured.
What else?
- Oh, they also bleach their ass-- .
- Exactly! And guess what?
Our ass-- aren't bleached.
Ours are the color of -- !
And you know why?
- Because that's where -- comes out of?
- Yes, Jane! That is where -- comes out of!
- I like where this is going.
- The Broads are gross.
Hey? We're sluts!
We're messes!
And we are proud of it.
We've just gotta take our nasty --
and shove it in their faces.
- What if I usually charge for that?
- We just have to show this town why we are special.
- But--but the Carol Showdown is tomorrow night!
What are we supposed to do?
- Uh...come on, ladies. I've got a plan.
- Is it topless?
- [applause]
- And for those of you just joining us,
tonight is the ultimate Carol Showdown.
- Yes, and the rules are very simple.
Two teams are forced to go head to head
in a high-stakes carol sing-off.
- ♪ Joy to the world, the Lord has come ♪
♪ Let earth receive her king ♪
- ♪ Her king ♪
- ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
- We better back up, Matt. We're in the splash zone.
- ♪ Spread your legs and grab your ankles ♪
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
- ♪ Away in a manger ♪
♪ No crib for a bed ♪
♪ The little Lord Jesus ♪
♪ Lay down his sweet head ♪
- ♪ Just rail me, merry gentlemen ♪
♪ And let me ride that thing ♪
- ♪ I'll grind on top and I won't stop ♪
♪ Until my bussy sings ♪
- What's a bussy?
- ["The 12 Days of Christmas" intro]
- Skip to the end!
- ♪ On the 12th day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
- ♪ Twelve drummers drumming ♪
- ♪ Eleven vodka tampons ♪
- ♪ Ten lords a-leaping ♪
- ♪ Nine lines of cocaine ♪
- ♪ Eight maids a-milking ♪
- ♪ Seven hookers sucking ♪
- ♪ Six geese a-laying ♪
- ♪ Five gold -- rings ♪
- ♪ Four calling birds ♪
- ♪ Three big -- ♪
- ♪ Two turtledoves ♪
- ♪ And a-- ♪
- [bleeping]
- Ooh!
- [bleeping]
- ♪ In an orgy ♪♪
- [silence]
- [soft, indistinct chatter]
- That was the most inappropriate,
disgusting, puerile performance
in the history of the ball!
And I'm gagging for more!
- [cheers and applause]
- Oh! I might as well just call it now.
The Broads win the entire carol battle!
- [horn and drum fanfare]
- Oh!
- [jaunty piano intro]
- Everybody! - Okay!
Ladies, I think it's time to wrap it up.
- Oh, no!
- Yes, you guys!
We have to practice.
So get some rest for tomorrow, okay?
- [groaning]
- You too, Hazel. I'm gonna close up.
- Mm, well, goodnight. - Goodnight.
- Rest? I have to go to work now.
- She should close up shop. - Come on, girls.
- Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed.
- So I guess I'm too late for a nightcap?
- [lush, romantic music]
- So what's a girl from the Gobi Desert doing
in a town like this?
- [fire crackling]
- You have any...
Gobi boyfriends?
- Oh, no, no.
I'm sort of married to my job.
- [phone vibrates] - ["Kitty Girl" ringtone]
- I feel that.
I've also thrown myself into my job ever since...
the accident. - [melodramatic music]
- She was my wife.
- Oh, we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to.
- It was December. A day like any other.
Except it was the day my wife died.
There I was, watching her leave for her job
as the town's clock tower technician.
[laughs]
- Aw!
- She knew that clock inside and out.
AM...and PM.
It was supposed to be a routine maintenance job.
Loosening of a bolt here.
Straightening of a hand there.
Just like every other inspection.
Except it was the one that killed my wife.
- Again, if this is too touchy for you--
- She was mangled.
Sucked into the gears like a piece of saltwater taffy.
Her bones crushed by the pendulum.
Her head...
popping open from the sheer force of the pulleys.
You ever try wiping brain matter off a giant bell?
- No, I haven't.
- That's because your wife didn't die in a clocktower!
- [bell chimes]
- [melodramatic music continues]
- She was so dead.
Deader than print journalism.
Her body so...
mangled by the gears, so stiff with...
rigor mortis.
It was impossible to get out.
So now every time I look up...
I know the exact time she died.
- [bell chimes]
- Wow.
I never told anyone that before.
Except everyone in town who watched it happen.
- Yeah.
- You look just like her. - Oh--
- Would you ever consider wearing a blonde wig?
- [creepy organ music]
- Sorry.
- Olivia, darling,
why are you not answering my phone calls?
Were you eaten by dogs or something?
- VOICEMAIL ROBOT: Sorry, bitch. This mailbox is full.
- It better not be.
- VOICEMAIL ROBOT: Making room for more messages.
You ain't gotta be all extra. - Good, thank you.
Never send a reporter to do an editor's job.
- [laughter]
- What were we even laughing about?
- Can't even remember!
So, what about you? You have any family?
- Oh, um...
I don't really talk about my family that much.
- Is that because they died in a clock tower?
- No, uh...
I just don't think they ever really wanted me.
- Hey, um, what's that?
- Oh, that's Mayor Coont 30 years ago.
She was the best winter queen this town ever had.
- Who's that standing behind her?
- BIG RUSS: That's her sister, Marianne.
She used to write for the local paper,
but nobody ever read her articles.
It's sad, really.
She was always living in the Mayor's shadow.
- Was?
- [fire crackling]
- Nobody ever knew what happened to her.
- Oh.
- She went missing on that very day.
- [cheerful Christmas music]
- Well, it's getting late. - Yeah.
Hey.
Maybe I could take you out for that coffee sometime.
And don't worry.
I won't talk about my dead wife.
Too much.
- BOTH: [laughing]
- I'll think about it.
- [sighs]
- [glass shatters] - [cat meows]
- BIG RUSS: Yeah, I'll just let myself out.
- Three minutes left in the Tree Lighting Challenge,
and this competition is heating up
faster than my wife's undercarriage.
- Mm, and trust me, that is pretty fast.
- And how would you know that, Matt?
- [horn honks twice]
- Oh. - Oh.
- Oh!
- Bea, that's our tree?
- Yeah, and you might wanna grab it
before the hospital realizes it's missing.
Get it! - Uh, ladies?
Look at Kittenheel Court.
- Yoo-hoo! Get a load of this, girls!
- [zapping] - [cackles]
- [digital "Deck the Halls" plays]
- [some exclaiming]
- You know, I think we're going to need more lights.
- Yeah.
- [indistinct chatter]
- I have an idea.
- Oh, good. Where are you going?
- MAYOR COONT: Bertram! We only have a few minutes.
Mmmwah! Ah ha--oh! Oh, no!
Ah, I feel so safe with you, Bertram.
Oh, oh, oh...
- BERTRAM: [grunts]
- MAYOR COONT: [laughs] That's why I trusted you
to keep the crown in your bank. Ooh, yeah!
- BERTRAM: [growls] - MAYOR COONT: Shh, shh, shh!
- Oh, ladies, that looks a lot better.
It's like Rockefeller Center.
- [laughter]
- But you know, this tree's still missing a certain...
je ne sais quoi.
Oh, I know!
We don't have a star for the top.
- I have another idea.
- Oh.
- And now for the final judging.
- [gong sounds]
- [cheers and applause]
- [horn version of "O Christmas Tree"]
- [applause]
- [gasps] Oh!
[gasps]
- [cheers and applause]
- Get her, Jane.
- [intro to Schubert's "Ave Maria" plays]
- ♪ Ave Maria ♪
♪ Gratia plena ♪
♪ Maria something, something Latin ♪
♪ Maria is a cool name ♪
♪ Name, name ♪♪
- [cheers and applause]
- [horn and drum fanfare]
- We need to talk.
- We are saving this inn!
- [cheering]
- Girls, tonight, for the rest of the night,
all drinks are on me.
- [cheering, laughter]
- I got you, girl! I got you!
- [surfer-style "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays]
- So I was thinking about that coffee.
- [phone vibrates] - ["Kitty Girl" ringtone]
- Maggie's phone. This is Hazel speaking?
- Who the hell is Maggie?
- Hazel? Hazel, what are you doing?
- Oh, I'm just talking to some woman
that's trapped inside your phone.
- I'm her boss.
- Oh! - What?
No, no, girls, look.
It's Maggie's boss from the journal factory!
- [exclaiming]
- Maggie's the best!
- Hannah, I'm just gonna go over that journal protoype.
[laughs nervously] It just--it has a gun in it.
- Oh, I love guns!
- HANNAH: Olivia, tell me, darling,
does my limo have a toilet in it?
- Not that I know of.
- Then why did you send me something
I could wipe my ass with?
- It's a new take on the exposé.
It's--it's strong women coming together against all odds.
- You were supposed to find me gossip.
You were supposed to find me that crown.
But, if you'd rather make friends with a bunch of
overgrown orangutans, then be my guest.
I guess that promotion is going up in flames.
I'm hanging up. - No, wait, wait, wait.
I know where the crown is hiding.
It's in a vault, locked in a bank.
And I have the code.
- How do you know that? - I eavesdropped on the mayor
having an affair with the banker.
- Well, well, well.
It looks like this town's grapevine
just got a whole lot juicier.
[chuckles]
I've changed my mind. Don't worry about the crown.
Focus on rewriting the exposé.
But I want something that grabs me by the labia
and makes me wanna listen.
Uh, uh, uh, cheating husbands, slutty mayors.
Those ugly friends of yours.
- The Broads? No, no, they're great.
They're--they're like the "Sex and the City" girls.
- Yeah, if the city were Chernobyl.
Hey, just curious.
What is the code to that crown vault?
- Oh, it--it's just 80085. Why?
- No reason.
Hey listen, I'm getting another call.
Just have that exposé in my email tomorrow morning...
and that promotion is yours.
- [sighs]
- You can come out now.
You're the private investigator I called.
- Mr. E at your service.
- Her name is Maggie Zeen.
Something about her doesn't sit right with me.
- So you think someone murdered her.
- What? No, she's alive.
- Lady, I specialize in homicide.
Dead girls, mostly.
I can find a dead girl in a quarry, or a stream,
or an oil drum floating down a cranberry bog.
- I just need you to look into her.
Dig around, find any--
- Semen inside her?
- No.
She's at the Tuck'd Inn right now, as in not dead?
- She's dead.
- And she's with all these other women.
- Oh my, we're talking about a serial killer.
- None of them are dead.
- Dead girls at an inn. Got it.
Well, here's what I'm gonna do.
Go down there, shine my black light,
hopefully find enough semen to crack this case wide open.
- You can't just walk in there. You look like a detective.
- Oh yeah? What's that supposed to mean?
- You'll need a disguise,
something to blend in with these women.
- Lady, I'm a detective.
All I wear is a badge and an alcohol-soaked jacket
that screams my son died in a car wreck.
- I think I might have something.
- I just came home.
- MICHELLE: All night, Olivia typed, tangled up in her sheets,
with a focus on the Broads for her new smear piece.
- They were ugly, with no sense of style.
Did I mention they were really ugly?
Damn, I hate how good this is.
- [knocking at door]
- Uh... - Knock knock!
[laughs] Room service!
Did somebody order up the best friend special?
- Oh girls, I'm not really dressed!
- We wanted to find you before the Winter Feast today
and give you a little gift
for all the ways you've been helping us.
- [laughter]
- It's an-- - It's an ornament.
You know, a symbol of our friendship.
You know how we would never betray or lie to each other?
- And the glass represents how transparent
we've all been with each other.
- And it's broken to represent
how if one of us stabs the rest of us in the back,
it would just break our hearts into a million little pieces.
- [voice breaking] Just get out...
- Wha--
- MICHELLE: In that moment, Olivia's blood ran cold.
Did they find out her secret? Only the--
- [knocking at door]
- Okay, now who is that?
- [shrieks] - Charo!
- [speaks Spanish]
that we are in the same neighborhood! Woo!
- Charo, we don't live in the same neighborhood.
I am in a cabin in the middle of the goddamn mountains.
- [speaks Spanish] Please, please, please?
Mucho, mucho, mucho! Por favor?
- You want to sing me a song?
- Claro. ♪ Cuchi cuchi cuchi ♪
- You know what I want?
I want people to call before they come and visit me.
But that's not gonna happen, is it?
- No, surprise.
- So, sientate. Sit next to Kim Petras.
And I'd like to wrap up this story, okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
- It's getting pretty good, yeah.
- Very good. - Yeah.
- Okay, now, where were we?
[gasps] Right.
- Did you really think you could fool us?
- Oh my god. How did you find out?
- What? That we disturbed Maggie Zeen
flicking the old Maggie bean?
- [laughter]
- You got it! You got me! [laughs]
- Come on, girls, let her whip up a bowl
of -- chili in piece.
- [laughter]
- And now you know why that mattress is so wet.
- [laughs nervously]
- Circular motions or mixed?
- HAZEL: Do you need a hand? 'Cause I watched some videos.
- BOTH: [laughing]
- What were we even laughing about?
- I literally can never remember.
- [laughs]
- Here, I got you something.
- Oh, good, another present.
Oh, oh, thank god. It's just some old newspaper.
- Oh, no, I just wrapped it in that.
It's actually an ornament that represents our relationship.
- Oh. I'll open it later.
Hey, what is this article?
- BIG RUSS: I don't know.
I found it in the mayor's office.
Now it's all dirty.
- [sultry jazz music]
- Um...
"The mayor's sister, Marianne..."
Hey, I thought their name was "Coont," not "Urcoont."
- It was.
The mayor changed it for the campaign.
Easier to say. [scoffs]
It's funny how some people think they can get ahead
just by changing their whole identity.
- Russ, there's something I have to tell you.
- Shhhh!
You don't even need to say it.
I'm falling in love with you too.
- Oh!
- And...I know it feels wrong to say in front of my dead wife--
- [bell chimes]
- --but these last three days have opened my eyes
to what love looks like.
Real love, not dead wife love.
- Oh, Russ. I'm not who I say I am.
- [romantic music]
- What was that?
- Oh, um, I was just saying that I'm not Maggie.
- What were you saying? - I've been lying to you.
I'm an undercover reporter.
My name's Olivia St. LaPelle, and I--
This isn't even my real hair.
- [romantic music continues]
- I have no idea what you just said.
All I know is that I love you, Maggie Zeen.
- I love you too!
- [romantic music swells]
- [jazzy music]
- Uh, hi. I would like a room, please.
Um, if possible, next to Maggie Zeen.
- This broad knows Maggie?
- You look a little funny to me.
- I do? - Yes.
You're a suspiciously tall woman.
- Who did you say you were again?
- Oh, I'm...
um...
Inn...
vest...
...tigator.
- An investigator?
- Oh, -- .
- Oh! Like you invest in the reptiles!
- BOTH: [laughing]
- Why didn't you say so in the first place, girl?
- Faster. - Oh.
- [sneaky music]
- [siren wailing]
- ♪
- Definitely...
Ooh, a lot of semen.
Naughty business, huh?
Ah!
Well, well, well.
"Olivia St. LaPelle."
That's not your name.
Busted!
- [sneaky music continues]
- [phone ringing]
- Delia? Yeah, I think I got something.
- Now, the Christmas Feast is one of the most nerve-wracking
challenges in the Winter Ball.
- And Mayor Coont never says what she's thinking,
but there are a few telltale signs.
If she raises an eyebrow, she likes it.
- [applause]
- Yep. - She likes it.
And if she purses her lips, ooh!
It's awful.
- [Christmassy music]
- KRESTON: Yuck!
- And if she scratches her head, it's because she has eczema.
- Careful, honey, it's heavy.
- [instrumental "Jingle Bells" plays]
- I'll take seconds.
- [gasping]
- [horn fanfare]
- Oh! - What?
For the first time in Winter Ball history,
the mayor is getting seconds!
- Yay, I love this part!
- Well, what's a Christmas feast without a little toast?
To the Downtown Broads.
- [cheers and applause]
- Oh, let's not forget their incomparable leader,
Maggie Zeen.
Let's hear it for Maggie Zeen, y'all!
- [cheers and applause]
- Or should I say, Olivia St. LaPelle.
- Olivia St...LaWho?
- Your little leader is actually an undercover journalist.
- What?
- A journalist?
She makes journals.
- Yeah.
- No, she's a reporter writing an exposé on Tuckahoe!
- [gasping]
- "It's fitting that I, Olivia, not Maggie,
"pretended to lead them to victory.
"After all, I can't imagine a more fitting street
"to exemplify Tuckahoe,
"a back-alley cesspool of fugly-ass skanks
"with no discernable talent.
And oh yeah, they also smelled like --."
- [exclaiming] - [indignant gasping]
- DELIA: Damn, that's good!
- Maggie? Is this true?
- Russ, this is what I was trying to tell you earlier.
- And now you're gaslighting me?
Are you even from the Gobi Desert?
- [indistinct chatter]
- If these allegations are true, the Downtown Broads will be
immediately eliminated from this ball. Well?
- [indistinct chatter]
- They're true.
- [gasping]
- [exclaiming]
- They're all true.
- [gasping, exclaiming]
- That was a wig?
- Maggie Zeen, your team is disqualified!
- [applause]
- Girls! Girls, I'm so sorry!
- No. You don't come near us.
You were never a Broad.
You're just a bitch.
- GUY IN AUDIENCE: Boo!
- Wow. I guess print journalism really is dead!
- BERTRAM: [grunts]
- [sneaky music]
- Oh, hi.
I'm here to open an account.
Mind if I light up?
- [groans]
- Oh, and, uh, by the way, this isn't a deposit.
It's a withdrawal.
- [gasps]
- [sighs] 80085-pound-enter.
- [alarm blares]
- [beeping]
- [sneaky music continues]
- [zapping]
- [sneaky music with bells jingling]
- [chuckles]
Oh, hello, gorgeous.
If the crown fits...
take it.
[evil laugh]
- MICHELLE: As Hannah hatched her plan and snatched the crown,
Olivia packed her bags and said goodbye to that little town.
- Getting on?
- [gospel-style music playing]
- You're not a regular bus driver, are you?
- Of course not, hon! I'm the spirit of Christmas.
- So are you gonna take me to scenes from my past and...
hopefully change my perspective about Christmas?
- You're about to see all the moments
that made you who you are, Madelyn.
- Madelyn? Who's Madelyn?
- You're not Madelyn?
- No, I'm Olivia. - -- !
- [music ends abruptly]
- Why, I was supposed to be Madelyn's spirit guide tonight.
Where the -- is she?
- I, I don't--I don't know.
I'm--I'm sorry I can't help you.
- [sighs] Well, you look like you're goin' through something.
Maybe we can work out your stuff instead.
- Okay, yeah, sure.
- Hang on, baby.
- [wondrous, mysterious music]
- Wow. Where are we?
- Girl, I don't know. This is your past.
- HANNAH: Olivia!
You drop one more call and you're back out on the street
where I found you.
- Yes, Hannah.
- HANNAH: Now I'm off for my third lunch, baby.
Those articles better be proofread and on my desk
by the end of the day.
- But, isn't it Christmas?
- Christmas? Who cares about Christmas?
The one thing that's gonna make you happy in this bankrupt world
is a promotion! Remember that!
- [sound of typing]
- Hey, there, girly. Uh, what are you doing?
- Working, like always.
- Oh, why don't you take a break?
You know, go outside, make some friends?
Stop it. Stop.
Stop working. No--
Stop it! Don't--
Just--just look at me! Hey!
- It's almost as if you always threw yourself into work because
that's where you derive all your worth.
Come on.
- But how was I supposed to know any better?
My parents abandoned me on a goddamn stoop.
- It's because you didn't have parents who accepted you that
you grew up thinking that you weren't worthy of love?
- Damn, you're good at this.
- That's why they pay me the big bucks.
Speaking of...
Mm-hmm, oh yeah, mm-hmm.
So, traveling to the past, uh-huh.
Speaking to your younger self, ah-ha.
And resolving some childhood trauma, okay.
Comes out to...hm.
- Guess therapy isn't free anywhere, right?
- BOTH: [laughing]
- Will this be debit or credit?
- Uh, debit. - Okay.
[moaning]
- BUS DRIVER: Yo, lady?
- [gasps]
- One way to New York, are you coming or not?
- Oh.
- Oh, I seen this look before.
Don't tell me you got some unfinished business to--
- I've got some unfinished business to take care of.
- Excuse me?
Is this the Spirit of Christmas?
- The -- no. Who are you?
- I'm...Madelyn?
Take me to the church.
- [sad instrumental music]
- All right, say your goodbyes, ladies.
- OTHERS: Goodbyes, ladies.
- [door opens]
- OLIVIA: Wait, wait! Don't!
- Don't what? - I don't know.
I haven't thought past that part.
- What are you doing here?
Come to stab us in the back again?
- Look, I came back because I think we can still save the inn.
What if I told you there is a loophole?
Look, it says here on page 46, article A7--
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You mean to tell us that you found this book right before
the last challenge? - Yeah.
- Okay. - Checks out, it makes sense.
- It says, "Any team competing in the Winter Ball can only be
disqualified on the name of its leader."
Which means, yes, the Broads
were disqualified under Maggie Zeen.
But we can still compete under Olivia St. LaPelle.
- Oh, right! Your real name.
- [grumbling]
- You know what?
- She's climbing it.
- Why is she always climbing up on everything?
- I'm sorry I lied to you.
But I didn't have any friends growing up.
I didn't even have any family.
But what I realized over this last week is that I found both.
And I am not gonna let a Pulitzer Prize-worthy exposé
get in the way of that.
Because families, honey, we stick together.
Just like the boards holding up this inn.
- [rumbling, loud crash]
- Oh, oh! Eew!
What kind of purgatory -- ?
Hmph!
- All I can say is...
that I choose you, ladies.
And all I'm asking is that you choose me too.
I understand.
- Hey, Olivia?
We can't compete with just four. Come on.
- Really? - OTHERS: Yessss!
- Oh, thank goodness! I missed you.
- [tinkling sound] - [instrumental music swells]
- We are on the final performance
of our Christmas pageant,
and it's all been leading up to this.
It's Kittenheel Court performing
a heartfelt interpretive dance piece,
"The Snow Is White and So Am I."
- [slow, wondrous music]
♪♪
- [cheers and applause]
- Yeah, well--and that's it, folks.
- [mic feedback]
- Well, it appears the Broads are back.
- This ain't Christmas anymore, bitch.
It's Sis-mas!
♪ Every Christmas, working to the bone ♪
♪ Seven-dollar loan ♪
♪ That's until I found a home ♪
- ♪ Each December, fighting wild dogs ♪
♪ A little light tax fraud ♪
♪ That's until I found my broads ♪
- ♪ Christmas ain't about ♪
♪ Sitting on a couch ♪
♪ It's a girls' night out ♪
- ♪ You can't build a snowman all on your own ♪
♪ Santa can't sleigh without his ho, ho, hos ♪
♪ You can't start a fire without raising hell ♪
♪ You can't spell Christmas without ♪
♪ G-I-R-L ♪
- [interlude]
- ♪ Now each season, crashing all the fun ♪
♪ Like a hit and run ♪
Literally, I did a hit and run today.
- ♪ Meow, meow, meow, Kitti under your tree ♪
♪ Your finger in my stocking, my hand on your D ♪
♪ You cross my girls, you'll catch a fist! ♪
♪ My bottom's on top of the naughty list ♪
- ♪ Christmas ain't about ♪
♪ Sittin' on the couch ♪
- ♪ It's a girls' night out ♪
- ♪ You can't build a snowman all on your own ♪
♪ Santa can't sleigh without his ho, ho, hos ♪
♪ You can't start fire without raising hell ♪
♪ You can't spell Christmas without ♪
♪ G-I-R-L ♪
- ♪ They say I have no personality ♪
♪ Well, I found a mole on my thigh today ♪
♪ Now I'm gonna make it my thing ♪
♪ Watch out, world, it's Mole Girl, yeah ♪
- ♪ You can't build a snowman all on your own ♪
♪ Santa can't sleigh without his ho-ho-hos ♪
♪ You can't start a fire without raising hell ♪
♪ You can't spell Christmas without ♪
- ♪ Can't spell Christmas without-- ♪
- ♪ G-I-R-L ♪
- E!
- [cheers and applause]
- That was incredible, Kreston.
Have you ever seen anything so surprising?
- Well, not since I found some guy's hair
on my wife's pillow this morning.
- Look over there!
The mayor is ready to make her decision!
- This was an incredibly tough decision.
I thought long and hard.
The winner of this year's Winter Ball is--
- The crown! It's gone!
Someone stole it.
- [gasping]
- What!? - No, no, no.
- It's her! She must've stolen it.
We all read her exposé. She's obsessed with the crown!
- [crowd jeering]
- Hey, hey! - It wasn't me, I swear!
- Well, if you didn't steal it, then who did?
- GUY IN CROWD: Get out of Tuckahoe, you bitch!
- But it's just a silly little crown,
and not something to plan your entire year/life around.
- The ultimate winter accessory
that will have the world reading this exposé.
- She used to write for the local paper,
but nobody ever read her articles.
- [wondrous, mysterious music]
- [laughs]
- It was her! Hannah Contour!
- [gasping]
- Also known as Marianne Urcoont.
- [gasping]
- Take a picture. It'll last longer.
- [stutters] My sister!?
- That's right.
I should've known it when I saw her name in the paper!
"Urcoont" is anagram for "Contour"!
- [gasping, exclaiming]
- So, you finally figured it out.
Bravo.
Aren't you the smart one?
[chuckles]
I knew only you could sniff out the crown.
And when I learned you found out
the code for the vault
after spying on Mayor Coont and Bertram's affair...
- [gasping] - [sounds of disgust]
- Bertram?
- An affair?
- I knew what I had to do.
- Oh!
- [laughs]
- There's still one thing that I haven't figured out.
Why?
- I needed to sell the crown so I could save "Gorge."
- Save it?
- The magazine's been failing for years and years.
Print journalism is dead.
- Everything's online.
- HANNAH: It's gone the way of the dinosaur.
- [indistinct chatter] - Oh, okay.
- I mean, magazines are dead.
That's why I had to steal the crown!
Isn't it pretty?
- But Marianne, I thought you disappeared!
- Marianne? Child, please.
Marianne is long gone, okay?
She left the day you humiliated me.
Remember when you made me accept this crown for our street?
Remember that?
And when I lifted it onto my head and my belly bursted out of
my gorgeous corset because I was nine months pregnant?
You remember that?
You humiliated me.
- Russ, apprehend that woman. Get my crown!
- Oh no, you better don't. You better back up.
I said, you better back up!
'Cause I got me an appointment.
I got an appointment with
a sheikh who has a penchant for what?
Headwear! Headwear.
He has a penchant for headwear.
And I'm not gonna miss this meeting.
Uh-uh. So Russ,
you better back up, because that right there?
- [helicopter blades whirring]
- [gasping]
- Honey, that's my ride. Yoo-hoo!
- Christ on a cracker, she's going up the Christmas tree,
Olivia. Do something!
- Is she going to jump from there?
- [suspenseful music]
- [grunting]
- Come with me, Olivia!
I'll give you that promotion you've always dreamed of!
- You mean...
Executive Fashion Ladyboss in Chief?
- Better!
Chief Executive Fashion Ladyboss in Chief!
- [gasps]
- We have to save "Gorge" Olivia!
You and me, we're the same.
We're--we're nobodies without our careers.
- I am nothing like you!
- Are you so sure about that?
Aren't you curious about my pregnancy all those years ago?
Who I was pregnant with?
Your parents never abandoned you on that stoop, Olivia.
It was a lie!
- What? No! No, that can't be!
- I gave birth to you on the steps of "Gorge"!
I knew if the magazine found out I was a mother,
I'd never get as far.
So I did what I had to do our family.
- Our family?
- [helicopter blades whirring]
- You were never my mother! [grunts]
- [ornament breaks] - Ow! Bitch!
I've always been your mother!
- Aah!
Well, a mother would not make her daughter her assistant!
Aah! - [exclaiming]
- You cheated on me with her?
- Oh, don't you hit him!
- You got my sister pregnant!
- Your grandpa's your father's dad?
- And I'm taking the kids.
- You -- my wife, didn't you?
- Only 'cause you -- mine!
- I hate myself. I hate myself.
- Snap out of it!
- [slapping]
- Give me that crown! - OLIVIA: No! No!
- Give it to me!
- It doesn't matter if you're my mother...
'cause I found my real family.
And they are right down there!
[grunts]
- [exclaiming, gasping]
- It's saved! The crown is saved!
- [cheers and applause]
- You dumb bitch!
We could've had it all,
but you had to throw it away!
You had to throw it away!
Well, looks like that promotion is going to Tristan after all!
Goodbye, Olivia!
- ["Ride of the Valkyries" plays]
- [helicopter blades whirring]
- Are you safe?
Stop it.
- What? Did you Broads really think
your little loophole would work?
Did you forget you missed, like, 98% of this pageant?
- We weren't here. I didn't understand.
Was there a schedule?
- That is true.
Oh, Kittenheel Court wins the Winter Ball!
- [horn and drum fanfare]
- Oh, no, no!
- As winter queen, my first order of business is
destroying your little inn. Bulldozers!
- [bulldozers start up]
- Well, that's it, girls.
Now we'll never have enough money to--to pay the loan!
- Oh, it's okay. We'll figure it out.
- After saving the crown, it's the least we can do.
- That's--that's for us?
- [cheers and applause]
- Oh, oh!
- [exclaiming]
- Do I have to take my top off? Oh, oh, it's real!
- Oh, no, keep your top on
if you want them to keep throwing money.
- [exclaiming]
- Well, I think this should cover it.
- [muffled speech]
- Girls, we did! We saved the inn!
- [laughter]
- My Cardigan Outlet!
This isn't over. Girls, we're leaving.
- Oh, no, Delia. - Uh-uh.
- Girls?
- Hey, Delia.
I got a little joke for you.
We voted, and you are no longer the leader of Kittenheel Court.
And here is the punchline.
- [cheers and applause]
- Bertram?
- You know, that looks great on you.
- [piano "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"]
- Oh! - Your customers requested it.
- Oh, bless them!
- Olivia, what is all this?
- [exclaiming]
- I've never really done this Christmas thing before,
so I hope you like it. - Thank you.
- Should we open them together?
- Yeah!
- [exclaiming, gasping]
- Today we're all queens.
- [exclaiming]
- [banging on door]
- Thank you so much.
- [excited chatter]
- HAZEL: Oh, you look like...
- KITTI: Oh, thank you, Danny DeVito, that's very kind.
- Mayor Coont?
- Shh! Urcoont.
I decided to embrace who I truly am
after confronting so much of my past yesterday.
Thank you, Olivia, for saving my town.
And one more thing.
- I came back last night after getting into a horrific
helicopter crash.
Turns out the Tuckahoe curse is very real.
- Me and my sister got to talking
and spent the whole night
remembering what it was like to be a family again.
- And I thought about what you said to me in that tree and I--
I realized that you always admired me.
Turns out the appreciation I was searching for all those years
was right outside my office door.
And look, I--I may not be good at it,
and I--I have a lot of time to make up for,
but I kind of sort of maybe,
maybe just ready to be a mom.
If you'll have me, of course.
Call me...Mother?
- I don't know.
I think that's gonna take a long time.
- Hm. I understand.
- But today...we're all family.
- Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh!
Oh, come on, sis! Come on, sissy!
- Olivia, you were right.
What we have is real,
even if you are Maggie-- or Olivia, or Olaggie,
or Magivia, or Tina, or Stephanie.
- Oh, Russ!
- What I'm trying to say is...
Will you marry me?
- Russ...
haven't we only known each other for, like, four days?
- [ding] - Yeah, you're right.
What am I doing? - I don't know!
- Can you imagine if you said yes?
- [laughs] Oh my god, you're so crazy!
Come on in here. Take your shirt off.
- Okay.
- Oh, hello. - Hello, Russ.
- MICHELLE: On that morning, Olivia saw it,
all the rainbow hues.
A kaleidoscope of family--
the family you choose.
And what is Christmas if not a silly little stunt
for family to come together
and absolutely serve...
Coont.
- Now let the music play.
- [cheering]
- ♪ Christmas ain't about ♪
♪ Sitting on the couch ♪
♪ It's a girls' night out ♪
♪ You can't build a snowman all on your own ♪
♪ Santa can't sleigh without his ho, ho, hos ♪
♪ You can't start a fire without raising hell ♪
♪ You can't spell Christmas without ♪
♪ G-I-R-L ♪
- E!
- [cheering]