1 00:00:01,586 --> 00:00:03,004 [TV static drones] 2 00:00:03,087 --> 00:00:06,090 [bright tone] 3 00:00:07,049 --> 00:00:09,635 [Metric's "Gimme Sympathy"] 4 00:00:09,719 --> 00:00:12,305 - ♪ Get hot ♪ 5 00:00:12,388 --> 00:00:15,641 ♪ Get too close to the flame ♪ 6 00:00:15,725 --> 00:00:19,145 ♪ Wild, open space ♪ 7 00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:22,440 ♪ Talk like an open book ♪ 8 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:25,109 ♪ Sign me up ♪ 9 00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:29,530 ♪ Got no time to take a picture ♪ 10 00:00:29,614 --> 00:00:32,909 ♪ I'll remember someday ♪ 11 00:00:32,992 --> 00:00:37,288 ♪ All the chances we took ♪ 12 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:39,624 ♪ We're so close ♪ 13 00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:42,210 ♪ To something better left unknown ♪ 14 00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:46,506 ♪ We're so close ♪ 15 00:00:46,589 --> 00:00:49,050 ♪ To something better left unknown ♪ 16 00:00:50,092 --> 00:00:53,513 ♪ I can feel it in my bones ♪ 17 00:00:53,596 --> 00:00:56,265 ♪ Give me sympathy ♪ 18 00:00:56,349 --> 00:00:58,017 announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 19 00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:00,394 Nikki Glaser! 20 00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:03,439 [cheers and applause] 21 00:01:03,523 --> 00:01:05,566 - What's up, Denver? 22 00:01:05,650 --> 00:01:07,318 [cheers and applause] 23 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,905 [sighs] Look at you. 24 00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:12,490 How's it going, guys? 25 00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,868 Thank you. 26 00:01:17,078 --> 00:01:18,746 Thank you. 27 00:01:18,830 --> 00:01:21,332 Oh, my God, I deserve that. 28 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:25,753 Hi. How are you? 29 00:01:25,837 --> 00:01:28,047 And how was your COVID? 30 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,841 Was it good? Mine was good. 31 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,342 I spent some time with family. 32 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,844 Questioned everything. 33 00:01:34,470 --> 00:01:38,266 I mean, I survived it so far. 34 00:01:38,349 --> 00:01:40,935 I--I kind of-- 35 00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,062 I couldn't say it when COVID first came out, 36 00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:46,691 but, like, I, like, knew I wasn't gonna die from it. 37 00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:48,359 Like, I just-- 38 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,861 I know that's cocky. 39 00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:51,904 And probably I'm wrong, 40 00:01:51,988 --> 00:01:54,490 but I feel the same way about, like, texting and driving. 41 00:01:54,574 --> 00:01:57,118 Like, I'm good. Like, I got it. 42 00:01:57,201 --> 00:02:00,204 You shouldn't, but, like... 43 00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:01,622 I'll be okay. 44 00:02:01,706 --> 00:02:04,375 I know that's crazy, but... 45 00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:07,587 I'm just different, you know? 46 00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:09,755 I don't do it, but I could. 47 00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,424 But I don't. 48 00:02:11,507 --> 00:02:12,425 I really am good about it. 49 00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:14,176 Like, if you ever see me texting and driving, 50 00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:16,137 it's always 'cause I'm at an intersection, 51 00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:17,471 just plowing through it. 52 00:02:17,555 --> 00:02:22,018 But that's because it was important. 53 00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:24,437 No, I just, like, did not think I was gonna die of it. 54 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,064 I just-- I just, like, don't get sick, 55 00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:28,566 ever, like, physically sick. 56 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,067 That's not, like, a brag. 57 00:02:30,151 --> 00:02:32,737 Mentally, I'm fucked, but, um-- 58 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,113 oh, that'll take me out soon. 59 00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:36,574 But, um-- and it's not 'cause I'm, like-- 60 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,743 I--it's not 'cause I'm, like, genetically superior. 61 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,411 I just was, like, "I'm just not gonna die of it." 62 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:43,164 Like, I just-- I'm just, like, so gross 63 00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:46,959 that my immune system is pretty great. 64 00:02:47,043 --> 00:02:49,378 I just-- 65 00:02:49,462 --> 00:02:52,632 I'm--I'm gross. Like, I-- 66 00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:56,469 Like, I eat at Subway, like, proudly. 67 00:02:56,552 --> 00:02:57,678 I love it. 68 00:02:57,762 --> 00:02:59,055 I'll eat something off the ground. 69 00:02:59,138 --> 00:03:00,932 Five-second rule. Like, five-month rule. 70 00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:03,476 I don't care. Like... 71 00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:05,227 sometimes I get jealous of my Roomba, 72 00:03:05,311 --> 00:03:06,187 to be honest with you. 73 00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:07,855 I was like, "I was gonna get that. 74 00:03:07,939 --> 00:03:09,899 I was waiting for it to get, like, chewy." 75 00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:13,277 I seriously am gross. 76 00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:15,071 If you ever see me in a public restroom 77 00:03:15,154 --> 00:03:17,907 and I'm, like, waving my hand under the soap dispenser 78 00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:18,991 and it just doesn't come out-- 79 00:03:19,075 --> 00:03:19,992 like, it literally just is like... 80 00:03:20,076 --> 00:03:20,952 [blows] 81 00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:22,787 Like, it just, like, queefs nothing, 82 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,122 like, I don't go to another one. 83 00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:26,374 I just go, "You know what? I tried. 84 00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:28,292 That was good enough." 85 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:30,628 And I wash like there was something there. 86 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:33,798 I'll mime, like, "Ooh, suds," but there aren't any. 87 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,299 And you know that too. 88 00:03:36,592 --> 00:03:39,887 I just don't care about germs. 89 00:03:39,971 --> 00:03:41,347 So I don't know. 90 00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:43,015 It was hard for me sometimes with the masks. 91 00:03:43,099 --> 00:03:44,183 Like, I would be like, "I don't want to wear it. 92 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:45,226 I'm not scared." 93 00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:46,686 But it's like, it's not about you. 94 00:03:46,769 --> 00:03:47,853 Like, it's about other people. 95 00:03:47,937 --> 00:03:49,522 I had to remember, like-- 96 00:03:49,605 --> 00:03:50,982 I created a mantra for myself 97 00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:52,525 to remind myself of that, 'cause it was like, 98 00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:54,360 "Okay, you don't care if you get it. 99 00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:55,653 You just don't want to give it." 100 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,405 You're fine if you get it. You just don't want to give it. 101 00:03:57,488 --> 00:03:58,531 It's like oral sex. 102 00:03:58,614 --> 00:04:02,034 Like, you just don't want to give it 103 00:04:02,118 --> 00:04:03,536 to the elderly, you know, 104 00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:05,371 or your parents. 105 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:07,456 That would be awful. 106 00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:09,000 It's like, ugh, 107 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:11,210 go down on your mom or dad like that. 108 00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:13,379 I just couldn't live with myself. 109 00:04:15,131 --> 00:04:17,216 I'm sorry for that imagery. 110 00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,552 But, like, 111 00:04:19,635 --> 00:04:22,179 now that it's out there, like, if you had to go down 112 00:04:22,263 --> 00:04:23,556 on one of them, like, who would it be? 113 00:04:23,639 --> 00:04:25,558 Like, if you had, like-- just--just-- 114 00:04:25,641 --> 00:04:28,561 and I'm not saying that to be outrageous. 115 00:04:28,644 --> 00:04:29,729 I promise you. 116 00:04:29,812 --> 00:04:31,272 I'm not saying that just so you're like, 117 00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:32,815 "She's shocking and gross." 118 00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:35,776 I'm only saying that because I thought it once 119 00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:38,237 and I don't want to be alone with that, okay? 120 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,864 So that's-- 121 00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,699 you have to have it, too, now. 122 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:44,869 Okay, I'm gonna save you time. 123 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:45,911 Like, don't even think about it. 124 00:04:45,995 --> 00:04:47,705 Like, stop. 125 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,207 I know it's gonna haunt you for, you know, a while, 126 00:04:50,291 --> 00:04:51,292 but it shouldn't. 127 00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:53,919 I figured it out. Gotta go with your mom. 128 00:04:54,003 --> 00:04:57,298 Go with your mom. It's an easy one. 129 00:04:57,381 --> 00:04:58,549 First of all, 130 00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:01,302 your mom has had her pussy eaten way less 131 00:05:01,385 --> 00:05:03,095 than your dad has had his dick sucked in his life. 132 00:05:03,179 --> 00:05:05,097 That's just stats. 133 00:05:05,181 --> 00:05:07,433 It's-- 134 00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:08,768 Give her one more for the road. 135 00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:10,770 You know what I'm saying? 'Cause you will-- 136 00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:12,605 she will kill herself after you go down on her. 137 00:05:12,688 --> 00:05:14,482 You will take your own life, too, so just-- 138 00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:17,777 you can't keep living after you go down on your mom. 139 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:21,405 So, yeah, give her one more. 140 00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:25,618 And also-- now, this is just solid logic-- 141 00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:29,246 you gotta go down on your mom, because... 142 00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:32,583 if you were a vaginal birth, 143 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:33,709 you already touched it with your mouth. 144 00:05:33,793 --> 00:05:34,710 Like, you already-- 145 00:05:34,794 --> 00:05:35,961 you've been down there technically. 146 00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:38,214 You've-- - Whoo! 147 00:05:38,297 --> 00:05:39,215 - Your mouth has hit it. 148 00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:41,759 It's just unavoidable. It's just true. 149 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:43,260 I'm sorry. 150 00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:47,431 Dare I say, it was the first thing you ever did, 151 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:50,351 um, on this planet. 152 00:05:50,434 --> 00:05:52,144 And it'll be the last. 153 00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:55,481 It's so gross. 154 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:58,901 I, like--I don't like that joke either. 155 00:05:58,984 --> 00:05:59,944 It's awful. 156 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:03,280 I just have to do that joke sometimes because 157 00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:05,116 I just feel like it perfectly encapsulates, 158 00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:06,826 like, what comedians are supposed to do, 159 00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:08,869 which is present information that's true 160 00:06:08,953 --> 00:06:10,913 that you haven't thought of before. 161 00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:13,040 And that joke-- the Venn diagram, 162 00:06:13,124 --> 00:06:14,834 I mean, for "it's true" 163 00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:16,168 and "you've never thought of it before," 164 00:06:16,252 --> 00:06:19,171 that joke is a fucking-- that really hits 165 00:06:19,255 --> 00:06:20,422 the baby's mouth on the mom's clit, 166 00:06:20,506 --> 00:06:21,549 or wh--the nail on the head. 167 00:06:21,632 --> 00:06:23,217 Whatever--however you say it, but that's-- 168 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:26,137 it just is the most true thing. 169 00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:33,477 A guy asked me to call him Daddy in bed recently. 170 00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:35,896 And it was Father's Day, so I was like, 171 00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:38,357 "Okay, I'll give it to you," but... 172 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:39,900 I didn't get him a gift last year. 173 00:06:39,984 --> 00:06:42,278 No, it's-- 174 00:06:42,361 --> 00:06:44,822 I'm--I was weirded out by it. 175 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,157 And it grossed me out 176 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,159 and... [sighs] 177 00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:51,036 Only because I kissed my dad on the lips 178 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:52,580 till I was, like, 24. 179 00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:56,000 And it was just a thing we did in my family, 180 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,835 you know, like deny alcoholism. 181 00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:02,089 Like, we just, like, act like everything's fine. 182 00:07:02,173 --> 00:07:05,801 And, um, I remember the day I put an end to it. 183 00:07:05,885 --> 00:07:07,970 I had just been, like, smooching all day long 184 00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:09,388 with my boyfriend-- not to brag or whatever, 185 00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:11,682 but I was just, like, really going hard with the guy. 186 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,727 And, um, I went to go meet my parents for dinner. 187 00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:16,937 And I greeted my dad, and just, like, we went in 188 00:07:17,021 --> 00:07:19,440 and I kissed him on the lips, and it ju-- 189 00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:21,692 the wires just got crossed. 190 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:22,860 Like, they just-- 191 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:26,071 I lingered a second too long. 192 00:07:26,155 --> 00:07:28,115 And it was just, blegh! And I stopped immediately. 193 00:07:28,199 --> 00:07:29,575 Like, I let go of his lip. I was biting it. 194 00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:33,412 But I was like, "Dad, I can't kiss you anymore." 195 00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,920 He was so sad too. My sweet dad. 196 00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:42,630 He was just like, "Don't be weird about this. 197 00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:44,298 "We kiss on the lips in this family. 198 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:45,466 That's what we do." 199 00:07:45,549 --> 00:07:47,051 And I'm like, "Then why don't you and Mom ever do it? 200 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:51,931 Why do Lauren and I have to suffer?" 201 00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:52,932 My sister. 202 00:07:53,015 --> 00:07:54,642 But I--you know, I--I do it. 203 00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:55,893 I sometimes do it, 'cause sometimes 204 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,728 he's just like, "Nikki, come on, I incest." 205 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:58,979 And I was like, "Okay, that's a good-- 206 00:07:59,063 --> 00:08:01,482 Dad, I'll--aw." 207 00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:04,902 Say it like that... 208 00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,196 I don't know, I just-- 209 00:08:07,279 --> 00:08:09,323 I felt weird when the guy wanted me to call him Daddy. 210 00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:10,824 I didn't want to kink shame, though. 211 00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:12,076 I didn't want to be like, "What the fuck? 212 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,786 Are you fucking w"--you know? 213 00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:14,995 'Cause I--I just-- 214 00:08:15,079 --> 00:08:16,872 you know, I don't want to yuck someone's yum. 215 00:08:16,956 --> 00:08:18,415 I found the best way to discourage 216 00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:20,251 something in bed that you're not into 217 00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:23,170 is to try to get them to not be into it 218 00:08:23,254 --> 00:08:24,463 on their own, you know? 219 00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:25,881 Try to ruin it for them. 220 00:08:25,965 --> 00:08:28,133 So I gave in at first. 221 00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:29,260 It was hard, but I was like, 222 00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,428 "Oh, yeah. Does Daddy like that? 223 00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:33,639 What about this? Does Daddy like this?" 224 00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:34,640 And by the end of it, I was just like, 225 00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,809 "Dada. Dadada. 226 00:08:36,892 --> 00:08:38,686 Dada, Dadada." 227 00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:40,145 [blows raspberry] 228 00:08:40,229 --> 00:08:42,648 "Dada, Dadada. Dada. 229 00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:44,608 Dada, Dadada." 230 00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:48,487 He came right away. 231 00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:51,156 And that's when I-- that's when I knew. 232 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:52,324 That's when I knew I had to keep 233 00:08:52,408 --> 00:08:53,909 my niece and nephew away from him. 234 00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:58,247 I never want to make anyone feel bad 235 00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:01,542 about something I think they're doing that's gross. 236 00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:02,960 It's just--'cause I know 237 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,629 that I bring so many things to the bedroom 238 00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:08,465 that would gross a guy out, like, um, 239 00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:10,843 lots of little pieces of toilet paper 240 00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:13,679 in my vagina lips that get stuck 241 00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:15,514 despite my best efforts. 242 00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:18,767 I don't know-- I don't know why. 243 00:09:18,851 --> 00:09:20,144 I do know. I use one ply. 244 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,855 I'm trying to save the goddamn planet. 245 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:27,651 I ju--it's-- oh, God, just these li-- 246 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:28,986 you know what I'm talking about. 247 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,195 By your laughter, I know. 248 00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:32,906 Thank God I'm not alone on this one. 249 00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:34,700 These little hamster joints, 250 00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:36,827 they're the tiniest little-- 251 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,705 they're finely rolled in such a way that I'm like, 252 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:42,875 "The meticulousness of this roll-- 253 00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:44,877 "is my pussy in the Wu-Tang Clan? 254 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,296 Like, this is impressive." 255 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,093 So you know--you know what I'm talking about. 256 00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:56,722 And I look for them. 257 00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:59,350 I try to scour my vagina before I even-- 258 00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:00,726 if I think a guy's gonna go down there, 259 00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,895 I definitely look for them. I try to get them all out. 260 00:10:02,978 --> 00:10:04,730 'Cause it's happened to me so many times. 261 00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:06,648 I'll go through it page by page. 262 00:10:06,732 --> 00:10:08,859 I will leaf through. 263 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,403 Sometimes I don't finish it all before he picks me up, 264 00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:13,238 and I put a bookmark in it, or I, you know, 265 00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:15,574 dog-ear a lip, and I get back to it. 266 00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:19,036 I always try to get them all. 267 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,913 I try. Despite my best efforts, 268 00:10:20,996 --> 00:10:22,623 I will still have a guy go down there, 269 00:10:22,706 --> 00:10:24,208 and I'm very confident, like, "Got 'em all," 270 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,210 and I'll just hear him go... [spits lightly] 271 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,504 Just, like, a little... [spits lightly] 272 00:10:29,505 --> 00:10:30,964 God damn it. 273 00:10:32,341 --> 00:10:34,259 Like, I always used to think 274 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:35,761 these little pieces of toilet paper were 275 00:10:35,844 --> 00:10:37,262 'cause I was like, "There's something wrong with me. 276 00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:38,639 Why am I so gross?" 277 00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:40,599 That's not why. I try to get them out. 278 00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:42,643 And I know that I'm not alone. 279 00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:43,936 I found out I'm not alone. 280 00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:45,687 I remember I was in high school. 281 00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,606 I just got glasses for the first time, 282 00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:50,234 so I could, like, clearly see the ground 283 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:51,944 in front of me in a public restroom. 284 00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:53,862 And all of a sudden, this world 285 00:10:53,946 --> 00:10:57,658 of tiny little hamster doobies, like, lit up to me. 286 00:10:57,741 --> 00:10:59,243 And they were everywhere. 287 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,953 There's, like, a cockroach smoking one of them 288 00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:03,580 in the corner. I'm like, "Oh, my God." 289 00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:07,251 This is a common problem. It's not just me. 290 00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:10,796 I feel connected to other women when I see them. 291 00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:12,881 [sighs] And I do believe it's probably 292 00:11:12,965 --> 00:11:14,133 how we'll communicate with each other 293 00:11:14,216 --> 00:11:16,135 when we lose all our rights inevitably, you know? 294 00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:18,846 When we're handmaids, it's all we'll have. 295 00:11:18,929 --> 00:11:21,181 We'll just be walking to market and just-- 296 00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:23,684 you'll just kind of release some, 297 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,603 just kick them out like Andy Dufresne 298 00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:28,147 on the Shawshank prison yard. 299 00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:31,066 Just leave a little pile. 300 00:11:33,986 --> 00:11:35,988 And you'll come across your friend's pile and be like, 301 00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:39,741 "Oh, Caleb's still alive. 302 00:11:39,825 --> 00:11:41,326 "She's out there. 303 00:11:41,410 --> 00:11:42,786 "She hasn't had the good fortune 304 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,455 of hurling herself off a cliff." 305 00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:48,375 So we'll use them someday. 306 00:11:48,459 --> 00:11:50,043 And by someday, I mean in, like, three years 307 00:11:50,127 --> 00:11:52,463 when he comes back. 308 00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:55,257 That joke will get me beheaded 309 00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:56,967 in the town square. 310 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,178 [sighs] Oh, well. 311 00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,888 I don't know, I just-- 312 00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:03,515 I've felt so much shame about my vagina over the years. 313 00:12:03,599 --> 00:12:05,350 I've worked a lot of my shame out onstage. 314 00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:06,727 It's helped me. 315 00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,896 I will shave my vagina thoroughly. 316 00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:10,522 And I will go to itch it later on in the day, 317 00:12:10,606 --> 00:12:11,523 and there will be a patch of hair 318 00:12:11,607 --> 00:12:12,691 that is so substantial, 319 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:15,152 it's almost, like, out of one of those children's books 320 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,695 where it's like, "Pet the bunny," 321 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:19,156 and it's just, like, a little round circle. 322 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,491 And you're like, "You can feel it. 323 00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:22,534 Go on, pet it." 324 00:12:22,618 --> 00:12:24,411 I'm like, "I gotta show Poppy this." 325 00:12:24,495 --> 00:12:26,538 That's my niece. But, um... 326 00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:28,540 I don't know. I don't, like, love my vagina. 327 00:12:28,624 --> 00:12:29,708 I mean, I'm getting there. 328 00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:31,335 I feel like acceptance is the key. 329 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,419 I don't need to love it. 330 00:12:32,503 --> 00:12:34,755 I don't need to do what these magazines tell me. 331 00:12:34,838 --> 00:12:37,257 And, like, body positivity posts are like, 332 00:12:37,341 --> 00:12:38,759 "Love your vagina. 333 00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,260 "Like, just look at it. 334 00:12:40,344 --> 00:12:42,554 Stand over a mirror and gaze at it." 335 00:12:42,638 --> 00:12:44,556 I've never wanted to do that. I've never done it. 336 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:45,724 I don't want to be, like, you know, 337 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:47,476 Pocahontas over a creek, like, 338 00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:51,271 speaking to my grandmother's reflection. 339 00:12:51,355 --> 00:12:54,191 "What should I do?" 340 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:58,153 She's like, "Follow your dreams." 341 00:12:59,905 --> 00:13:01,406 I'm like, "I will." 342 00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:04,368 It's just, like--it's fine. 343 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:08,038 It's just--I don't want to look at it that often. 344 00:13:09,373 --> 00:13:11,208 I'm not ashamed of it. I'm fine with it. 345 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,918 I accept it. 346 00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:15,254 And it's like, I think the shame about our vaginas 347 00:13:15,337 --> 00:13:17,923 is probably why men don't go down on us 348 00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:20,259 as much as they should, you know? 349 00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:24,429 Pussy eating and dick sucking is not, uh--is not equal. 350 00:13:24,513 --> 00:13:26,765 And I think some of it is because when men go, 351 00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,600 "I'm not into it," we go, "Yeah, you're right. 352 00:13:28,684 --> 00:13:30,769 "I wouldn't either. It's fine. 353 00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,729 "You're probably right. And it's--don't worry about it. 354 00:13:32,813 --> 00:13:33,855 "It's not my birthday. 355 00:13:33,939 --> 00:13:35,941 "And--I mean, it is, but I'll have another one 356 00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:37,568 "in four years. It's February 29th 357 00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:39,236 "and it's every leap year, but it's fine. 358 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,737 You don't have to do it." 359 00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:42,906 It's just true. 360 00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:44,241 They don't go down on us as much. 361 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,243 And, you know, there are certain guys 362 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,579 that are really, like, outspoken about it. 363 00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:49,746 And we just let them be. 364 00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:51,915 DJ Khaled came out and was like, 365 00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:53,875 "I don't eat pussy. I don't eat my wife's pussy." 366 00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:55,419 And I'm just like, 367 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:58,046 I didn't know you could get any more worthless. 368 00:13:58,130 --> 00:14:02,092 Like, what do you do if you don't eat pussy? 369 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,677 Truly. 370 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,596 [cheers and applause] 371 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,681 [chuckles] 372 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:08,682 He just shouts his name 373 00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:11,143 over his wife coming in the room by herself 374 00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:12,561 and claims it as his own. 375 00:14:12,644 --> 00:14:14,980 Is that what he does? 376 00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:16,940 I don't mean-- 377 00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:18,942 I already didn't care for him that much. 378 00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:20,611 And when I heard that, I was like, "Fuck you." 379 00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:21,862 But then--then I looked into it and I go, 380 00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:23,655 "Hold on, let me empathize with this guy. 381 00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:24,948 Maybe there's another story here." 382 00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:25,991 And there was. 383 00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:27,909 DJ Khaled, at the time he said that, 384 00:14:27,993 --> 00:14:29,745 he was a spokesman for WeightWatchers, 385 00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:31,455 and pussy's, like, eight points. 386 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:32,998 So maybe he was just really trying 387 00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:35,500 to stick to his plan. 388 00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:38,587 That's a--that cuts into your day, you know? 389 00:14:40,255 --> 00:14:41,757 He had a goal. 390 00:14:43,425 --> 00:14:45,093 I can't understand when guys are just like, 391 00:14:45,177 --> 00:14:46,136 "I'm just, like, not into it." 392 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,429 Like, I get not being into it. 393 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:49,306 But do you think we suck dick 394 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,016 just for the taste of it, Diet Coke? 395 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,435 Like, we don't. 396 00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:55,437 It's--I don't care if you don't like it. 397 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:56,855 It's not like I don't like sucking dick. 398 00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:59,149 I do like it because, you know, it's something I've done. 399 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,525 It gives pleasure to someone I care about. 400 00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:02,110 I'm getting kind of good at it. 401 00:15:02,194 --> 00:15:03,528 I can leave in my Invisalign 402 00:15:03,612 --> 00:15:05,489 because it, like, rounds out my teeth and I don't worry 403 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:08,659 about biting too hard or scraping a dick. 404 00:15:08,742 --> 00:15:10,494 I can straighten as I blow. 405 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:15,374 But I don't, like, inherently like it. 406 00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:16,667 I don't care if you don't like it. 407 00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:19,044 Like I--I really don't need you to love it. 408 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:20,629 I--that's not part of it for me. 409 00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:22,714 For every faction of guys that's like, 410 00:15:22,798 --> 00:15:24,132 "I don't eat pussy," there's always another one 411 00:15:24,216 --> 00:15:25,509 that's like, "I'll do it. 412 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,511 "I'll eat it all day. I love pussy. 413 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,221 "Wait, I'll do it. I love pussy. 414 00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:30,764 I'll--I'll eat your pussy." 415 00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:33,433 And it's just like, "Not you. 416 00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:37,062 "Like, you're not-- your--your mouth is wet. 417 00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:39,940 "It looks like you already were, and I just-- 418 00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:42,401 "can I just have my pizza and you go, okay? 419 00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:45,570 I don't know why you told me that." 420 00:15:45,654 --> 00:15:47,572 Should've done DiGiorno. 421 00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:49,491 It's always just like-- 422 00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:51,785 just like, "Ah, I love eating pussy." 423 00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:53,328 They're just like...[groans] 424 00:15:53,412 --> 00:15:54,371 And they think we're gonna be like, 425 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,039 "You do? Will you marry me?" 426 00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:57,374 Like, we don't want you-- 427 00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,710 I don't want someone to want pussy in general, 428 00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:02,587 just like, "Any--I just love pussy. 429 00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:03,755 I love eating pussy." 430 00:16:03,839 --> 00:16:04,965 I'm like, "I think you have 431 00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:06,717 "a vitamin deficiency of some sort, 432 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,219 because it shouldn't be something you crave." 433 00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:12,931 Take a fish oil supplement. 434 00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,683 Anything. I don't know. 435 00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:16,476 Get some blood work done. 436 00:16:18,729 --> 00:16:21,940 "I love it. I'll eat your pussy. 437 00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:23,650 "I could spend hours down there. 438 00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:25,444 I love it. I'll go down on you for hour"-- 439 00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:27,529 I'm like, "That's too long. You're doing it wrong." 440 00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:30,282 If you're down there that long-- 441 00:16:30,365 --> 00:16:32,409 I don't need you down there. You're gonna eat it all. 442 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:36,496 Like, leave some for the rest of us. 443 00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:39,124 That's too long. 444 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,292 You're--by the time you come up, 445 00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:42,461 you're gonna look like my fingertips after a bath. 446 00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:43,837 I don't want to Benjamin Button you 447 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,172 down there. 448 00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:49,509 I get not wanting to eat pussy. 449 00:16:49,593 --> 00:16:51,428 Can I say that? Like, I actually empathize 450 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,305 with men who are like, "Mm, it's not for me." 451 00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:54,431 I, like--I get it. 452 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,141 Because, like, there are times 453 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:57,559 where I think I could date women, 454 00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:58,852 and the one thing that holds me back is, like, 455 00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:01,229 I just don't want to, like, eat pussy. 456 00:17:01,313 --> 00:17:02,689 Like, I just-- that's the one thing. 457 00:17:02,773 --> 00:17:04,149 Sometimes that's the only thing. 458 00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:06,943 I remember telling my friend Sabrina Jalees-- 459 00:17:07,027 --> 00:17:07,944 she's a lesbian. 460 00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:09,154 She's a hilarious comic. 461 00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:10,614 But I was telling her that, and she goes, 462 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:13,074 "So you think the only reason you can't be a lesbian 463 00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:15,535 is because you don't want to eat pussy?" 464 00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:16,870 And she goes, "And you haven't eaten pussy?" 465 00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:18,288 I'm like, "No, but, like, I just feel like 466 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,498 "I would, like, crave it 467 00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:20,874 "if I was, like, a true lesbian. 468 00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:24,044 "Like, it's, like, the base of the lesbian food pyramid. 469 00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:25,670 "Like, it's a staple of their diet. 470 00:17:25,754 --> 00:17:28,131 "Like, if I-- if I'm like this about it, 471 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,175 I'm probably not a lesbian." 472 00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:33,011 And she goes, "Okay, well, um, did you crave 473 00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:34,304 "sucking dick before you did it? 474 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,264 "Were you just like, 'I can't wait'?" 475 00:17:37,641 --> 00:17:39,017 And that blew my mind. 476 00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:40,685 'Cause I was like, "Oh, fuck." 477 00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:45,148 "I'm--I'm gay. Like, that's--I'm a-- 478 00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:48,151 I am fucking gay." 479 00:17:49,653 --> 00:17:51,530 Of course I didn't crave sucking dick. 480 00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:52,989 You don't crave it until you do it. 481 00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:55,158 There's so many things in life like eating pussy 482 00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,953 that you don't get into until you do it a lot 483 00:17:58,036 --> 00:17:59,496 and you learn a reason to love it. 484 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,498 On paper, you're just like, "Nah, no." 485 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:02,833 Like coffee. Think about coffee. 486 00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:05,544 Remember the first time you tried coffee? 487 00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:07,045 You were a child and you were just like, 488 00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:10,382 "Why do adults like it so much? It's so gross." 489 00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:12,133 But you tried it once because you thought it was, 490 00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:15,470 like, a warm soda or something that your parent left behind 491 00:18:15,554 --> 00:18:16,555 and you, like, snuck it. 492 00:18:16,638 --> 00:18:18,223 But it's coffee and whiskey 493 00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:19,724 but also mostly coffee, 494 00:18:19,808 --> 00:18:21,643 and you're like, "What the fuck?" 495 00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:23,019 And you think, "I can't be-- 496 00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:24,563 I will never drink this stuff." 497 00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:26,690 And then cut to today, you're an adult, 498 00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:27,858 and you're addicted. 499 00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:29,734 Like, you can't live without it, you know? 500 00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,361 And it's the first thing I think about in the morning. 501 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,572 So I don't know. 502 00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:36,199 I just hope someday, like, years from now, 503 00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:37,576 you run into me, 504 00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:39,160 and you just see me, and I'm wearing, like, 505 00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:40,579 a funky sweatshirt that says, like, 506 00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:42,205 "Don't talk to me till I've had my pussy. 507 00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:44,374 And I'm like, "Hey." You're like, "You did it." 508 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,751 I'm like, "I did. I did." 509 00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:50,547 "And you know what? I bring my own creamer." 510 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:51,673 [chuckles] 511 00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:54,259 You're like, "Okay, didn't need that one. 512 00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:55,594 "Let's go, kids. 513 00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:56,845 "She used to be a famous comedian." 514 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,641 But if I live long enough, I'm gonna eat pussy. 515 00:19:01,725 --> 00:19:05,312 It's, like, on my bucket list of sexual acts to do. 516 00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:07,105 For sure. I want to do it. 517 00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:09,900 I'm scared to do it, but, like, I want to do it. 518 00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:11,860 I just hope I scratch it off my bucket list 519 00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:14,863 before I'm, like, 90, in hospice care 520 00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:16,573 and, like, my grandkids are like, 521 00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:19,409 "Grandma, you know, it's getting towards the end. 522 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:22,370 Is there anything else that you want to do?" 523 00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:25,749 I'm just like, "Did you see my list?" 524 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:28,418 And they're like, "Unfortunately, we did. 525 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:31,755 "Um, we were thinking maybe instead of that, 526 00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,006 "we could, um-- 527 00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:34,633 "Taylor Swift is down to meet you. 528 00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:36,343 Is that cool?" 529 00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:37,636 I'm like, 530 00:19:37,719 --> 00:19:41,056 "Can she squat over my bed? Can we make"-- 531 00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:43,058 Like, "Grandma, no!" 532 00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:47,771 [chuckles] 533 00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,315 Someday. 534 00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:51,358 I don't know. 535 00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:54,277 I've talked a lot about my vagina so far. 536 00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:56,321 I hit the quota. 537 00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:59,366 I talk about my vagina so fucking much. 538 00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:00,825 I have a lot of, like, guilt about it. 539 00:20:00,909 --> 00:20:02,244 I talk about it so much, that I don't call it 540 00:20:02,327 --> 00:20:04,496 "my privates"; I call it "my public." 541 00:20:04,579 --> 00:20:08,333 I gotta stop talking about my public so much. 542 00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:10,418 I just--I read, like, 543 00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:12,295 what these philosophers write about on Reddit 544 00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:15,632 about how, like, female comics talk about their vaginas 545 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,050 and that's, like, all they do 546 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:19,344 and it's so easy for them. 547 00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:22,639 Being dirty, it does feel bad sometimes. 548 00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:23,765 I'm 37. 549 00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:25,600 All I do is talk about my vagina onstage. 550 00:20:25,684 --> 00:20:27,894 It's like, enough! I just-- 551 00:20:27,978 --> 00:20:29,437 I don't know, I'm just at this point in my career 552 00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:31,606 where I'm ready to, like, close that chapter 553 00:20:31,690 --> 00:20:34,859 and, like, pivot, like...to my asshole. 554 00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:38,780 Like, you guys, I have not even begun. 555 00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,199 It--talk about clean material. 556 00:20:41,283 --> 00:20:43,702 My asshole's pretty clean, actually. 557 00:20:43,785 --> 00:20:45,161 I'm prepared for later tonight. 558 00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:47,288 So it's, uh, squeaky. 559 00:20:48,957 --> 00:20:50,917 It's probably a better bet than my vagina right now, 560 00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:52,836 to be honest with you. 561 00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:53,962 'Cause I prepare, yeah. 562 00:20:54,045 --> 00:20:55,880 I used to just wing it. 563 00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:57,674 Don't do that. Don't-- 564 00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:58,883 don't just, like, feel your body and go, 565 00:20:58,967 --> 00:21:00,385 "Mm, I got it." You don't. 566 00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:03,763 You don't got it, and you'll pay the price, but-- 567 00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:06,641 and now I got a whole-- I got a whole system. 568 00:21:06,725 --> 00:21:07,892 I'll tell you about it too. 569 00:21:07,976 --> 00:21:09,936 'Cause I want you to have anal sex. 570 00:21:10,020 --> 00:21:11,187 I want all of you to. 571 00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:12,564 Let me--let me try to get you into it. 572 00:21:12,647 --> 00:21:14,482 Let me just try to persuade you. 573 00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:15,775 You don't have to. 574 00:21:15,859 --> 00:21:18,403 But I just know a lot of women who are so adventurous in bed. 575 00:21:18,486 --> 00:21:19,696 And when it comes to anal, they just go, 576 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,990 "No. Nope. Mm-mm, nope. 577 00:21:22,073 --> 00:21:24,200 I've tried it, and no, mm-mm." 578 00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:26,327 And I hear you. I'm sure you did try it. 579 00:21:26,411 --> 00:21:28,163 But I'm just saying, 580 00:21:28,246 --> 00:21:31,541 I do think that maybe you can't say you've tried it, 581 00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:33,043 really say you've tried it, 582 00:21:33,126 --> 00:21:35,086 until you can answer yes to the following questions, 583 00:21:35,170 --> 00:21:36,629 okay? 584 00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:37,714 Number one. 585 00:21:37,797 --> 00:21:41,092 Did you use all the lube in the land? 586 00:21:41,176 --> 00:21:43,803 Did you lube? 587 00:21:43,887 --> 00:21:45,430 I'm talking about lubricant you buy. 588 00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:48,892 Not a couple loogies from the dry, drunk mouth 589 00:21:48,975 --> 00:21:52,937 of the guy who convinced you it'd be a good time to try it 590 00:21:53,021 --> 00:21:54,439 when you're not actually ready. 591 00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:56,608 That's not lube. 592 00:21:56,691 --> 00:21:57,859 A lot of lube. 593 00:21:57,942 --> 00:21:59,110 I mean, like, a half a bottle. 594 00:21:59,194 --> 00:22:00,528 Enough that the TSA would be like, 595 00:22:00,612 --> 00:22:01,529 "You can't go through with that. 596 00:22:01,613 --> 00:22:03,406 Like, you gotta finish it." 597 00:22:03,490 --> 00:22:06,451 A lot. I'm not joking. 598 00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:10,830 Are you with someone that, if you had an accident, 599 00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:12,415 you wouldn't have to kill yourself afterwards? 600 00:22:12,499 --> 00:22:15,168 Like, they're not gonna tell their dodgeball league 601 00:22:15,251 --> 00:22:17,796 and it's gonna follow you around town. 602 00:22:17,879 --> 00:22:20,465 Are you doing it with someone that can keep a secret? 603 00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:22,133 A little brown secret? 604 00:22:23,551 --> 00:22:25,970 'Cause if not, you haven't tried it. 605 00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:29,641 [sighs] Number two. 606 00:22:29,724 --> 00:22:31,017 Are you relaxed? 607 00:22:31,101 --> 00:22:32,143 This is something that a lot of people 608 00:22:32,227 --> 00:22:33,978 have anxiety about. You gotta be relaxed. 609 00:22:34,062 --> 00:22:37,857 Did you come once already? Vaginally, clitorally, fakely, 610 00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:42,487 however you are used to it with your partner. 611 00:22:42,570 --> 00:22:45,949 Number two. 612 00:22:46,032 --> 00:22:48,451 Did you prepare? 613 00:22:48,535 --> 00:22:50,787 Did you prepare? I used to not prepare 614 00:22:50,870 --> 00:22:52,080 'cause I thought that, oh, if I prepare, 615 00:22:52,163 --> 00:22:53,915 if I get, like, a kit, 616 00:22:53,998 --> 00:22:54,999 that's gonna mean something about me. 617 00:22:55,083 --> 00:22:56,751 Like, I'm-- like, that's all I do. 618 00:22:56,835 --> 00:22:59,087 And it kind of is, but that's not... 619 00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:01,840 You know what? It's not a lot. 620 00:23:01,923 --> 00:23:03,550 I used to think it was gonna be a whole smorgasbord 621 00:23:03,633 --> 00:23:05,176 of things I'd have to do. 622 00:23:05,260 --> 00:23:06,219 All you have to do to prepare 623 00:23:06,302 --> 00:23:08,847 is watch a YouTube video of a gay guy in his bathroom 624 00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:10,849 being like, "Here's how you do it, bitch." 625 00:23:10,932 --> 00:23:12,684 And then you follow the link 626 00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:15,145 to buy the little fucking turkey baster 627 00:23:15,228 --> 00:23:17,856 that you keep underneath your sink. 628 00:23:17,939 --> 00:23:20,066 No one will know what it is. 629 00:23:20,150 --> 00:23:22,152 It just seems like the thing you, like, suck 630 00:23:22,235 --> 00:23:23,820 snot out of a baby's nose with. 631 00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:25,572 Like, that's what it looks like. 632 00:23:25,655 --> 00:23:27,157 You squirt water up your butt ten times 633 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:28,658 till the water runs clean. 634 00:23:28,741 --> 00:23:30,034 Till it runs clean. 635 00:23:30,118 --> 00:23:31,870 Not like Flint, Michigan, clean 636 00:23:31,953 --> 00:23:33,454 but, like, it's-- 637 00:23:35,039 --> 00:23:36,708 Might be more than ten times. 638 00:23:38,543 --> 00:23:40,044 And even after it runs clean, 639 00:23:40,128 --> 00:23:41,754 just do it--like, kind of do this a little. 640 00:23:41,838 --> 00:23:44,757 Like, just give it a couple, like, catch-up thumps, 641 00:23:44,841 --> 00:23:47,135 like you're trying to knock out the-- 642 00:23:47,969 --> 00:23:49,470 Just gotta make sure, you know? 643 00:23:49,554 --> 00:23:51,514 And, um, find your Heinz 57. 644 00:23:51,598 --> 00:23:52,765 You know, the mark where you hit it 645 00:23:52,849 --> 00:23:53,766 and it, like, dislodges it? 646 00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:54,893 Mine's my solar plexus. 647 00:23:54,976 --> 00:23:56,186 Might be a different spot for you. 648 00:23:56,269 --> 00:23:57,979 Explore yourself. 649 00:24:01,691 --> 00:24:06,571 Number two. Did you lay down a brown towel? 650 00:24:06,654 --> 00:24:07,906 How now, brown towel? 651 00:24:07,989 --> 00:24:10,742 Just in case, for peace of mind. 652 00:24:13,745 --> 00:24:17,207 And finally, number two. Start small. 653 00:24:17,290 --> 00:24:18,875 Don't start huge right away. 654 00:24:18,958 --> 00:24:20,460 Don't go right to the big leagues. 655 00:24:20,543 --> 00:24:24,005 Start with a finger. A tiny butt plug. 656 00:24:24,088 --> 00:24:25,840 Maybe your boyfriend's tiny little penis. 657 00:24:25,924 --> 00:24:27,926 Start with something that's not intimidating. 658 00:24:28,009 --> 00:24:30,303 Start there. 659 00:24:30,386 --> 00:24:31,763 And then work your way up. 660 00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:32,889 And I know you're like, 661 00:24:32,972 --> 00:24:34,265 "Well, my boyfriend doesn't have a tiny little penis. 662 00:24:34,349 --> 00:24:36,935 "He has a very big penis. And that is crazy big. 663 00:24:37,018 --> 00:24:39,270 And it's so big, it's gonna, like, hurt." 664 00:24:40,897 --> 00:24:43,566 Just for a second, think about, for me, 665 00:24:43,650 --> 00:24:46,527 the biggest shit you took, I don't know, 666 00:24:46,611 --> 00:24:47,904 in the past week. 667 00:24:47,987 --> 00:24:50,073 You know the one. 668 00:24:50,156 --> 00:24:51,449 You know? The one that you're like, 669 00:24:51,532 --> 00:24:52,450 "This could make it in 670 00:24:52,533 --> 00:24:53,576 "'Guinness Book of World Records,' 671 00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:56,913 like, if I did enter it." 672 00:24:58,373 --> 00:24:59,749 You know the one. 673 00:24:59,832 --> 00:25:01,125 The one that you're like, 674 00:25:01,209 --> 00:25:02,835 "I could give birth out of my ass. 675 00:25:02,919 --> 00:25:05,129 Like, that just confirmed it." Like... 676 00:25:05,213 --> 00:25:06,798 You know what I'm talking about. 677 00:25:06,881 --> 00:25:09,092 Maybe you don't, but I think you do. 678 00:25:09,175 --> 00:25:10,343 You know, the shi-- 679 00:25:10,426 --> 00:25:11,386 Am I the only one? 680 00:25:11,469 --> 00:25:12,679 The one that you want to take a picture of 681 00:25:12,762 --> 00:25:13,805 to send to your friend Anya 682 00:25:13,888 --> 00:25:15,181 but you're, like, too scared you're gonna get hacked 683 00:25:15,265 --> 00:25:17,308 and that's what TMZ will run with? 684 00:25:18,559 --> 00:25:19,936 And they'll just blow past the folder 685 00:25:20,019 --> 00:25:23,314 you've clearly marked for them that says "Full-face nudes." 686 00:25:25,024 --> 00:25:26,985 I mean, in conclusion, like, 687 00:25:27,068 --> 00:25:29,696 girls, you're shitting massive dicks, like, weekly, 688 00:25:29,779 --> 00:25:32,448 so just--you can do it. 689 00:25:33,324 --> 00:25:35,285 Aren't you glad I'm not talking about my vagina anymore? 690 00:25:35,368 --> 00:25:38,663 Isn't that such a--thank God. 691 00:25:39,706 --> 00:25:41,457 This is who I am, I have to say. 692 00:25:41,541 --> 00:25:44,752 This is genuinely the way I am offstage too. 693 00:25:44,836 --> 00:25:47,672 And it is ironic, because I am kind of prudish, 694 00:25:47,755 --> 00:25:50,466 and I started out that way. I know that seems crazy. 695 00:25:50,550 --> 00:25:51,968 In a relationship, I'm a filthy slut. 696 00:25:52,051 --> 00:25:54,387 But I am-- I'm kind of scared of guys. 697 00:25:54,470 --> 00:25:55,596 I always have been. 698 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:56,973 I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17. 699 00:25:57,056 --> 00:25:58,558 I didn't have sex until I was 21. 700 00:25:58,641 --> 00:26:00,643 I didn't have consensual sex until I was, like, 25. 701 00:26:00,727 --> 00:26:03,479 I didn't enjoy sex ever. 702 00:26:03,563 --> 00:26:06,816 And--no, it's true, though. 703 00:26:06,899 --> 00:26:08,192 It's 'cause I was scared of sex. 704 00:26:08,276 --> 00:26:09,819 I was scared of what I didn't know, 705 00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:12,739 because no one talked about it honestly, you know? 706 00:26:13,865 --> 00:26:15,533 I feel like sometimes 707 00:26:15,616 --> 00:26:17,452 female comics talking honestly about sex, 708 00:26:17,535 --> 00:26:18,828 we have to do it because 709 00:26:18,911 --> 00:26:21,039 sex education is garbage, you know? 710 00:26:21,122 --> 00:26:22,665 You either learn by watching porn, 711 00:26:22,749 --> 00:26:25,001 or you learn at school, where they either give you 712 00:26:25,084 --> 00:26:26,711 too much science-y words 713 00:26:26,794 --> 00:26:29,088 and then, like, horrifying STDs, 714 00:26:29,172 --> 00:26:31,049 so it's just, like, "The vas deferens 715 00:26:31,132 --> 00:26:34,385 is the janitor of the male reproductive system," 716 00:26:34,469 --> 00:26:35,887 and you're like, "I don't know what to do with that. 717 00:26:35,970 --> 00:26:37,221 Is that sex?" And they're like, 718 00:26:37,305 --> 00:26:38,431 "Well, if you have sex, 719 00:26:38,514 --> 00:26:40,892 "your vagina might look like an exploded lasagna, 720 00:26:40,975 --> 00:26:42,393 so watch"--it's just, like, 721 00:26:42,477 --> 00:26:43,728 "Here's a picture." 722 00:26:43,811 --> 00:26:46,105 And you're like, "Jesus Christ." 723 00:26:46,189 --> 00:26:47,565 It's nothing real. 724 00:26:48,858 --> 00:26:50,068 I just think it's important 725 00:26:50,151 --> 00:26:51,194 to talk about this stuff openly. 726 00:26:51,277 --> 00:26:52,695 And as much as I shouldn't be 727 00:26:52,779 --> 00:26:54,697 a 37-year-old woman onstage 728 00:26:54,781 --> 00:26:56,366 talking explicitly about her sex life, 729 00:26:56,449 --> 00:26:58,284 I think there's something to be had from it. 730 00:26:58,368 --> 00:26:59,660 I remember my housekeeper being like, 731 00:26:59,744 --> 00:27:01,871 "My 11-year-old daughter googled you. 732 00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:03,664 That was close." And I'm like, 733 00:27:03,748 --> 00:27:05,708 "I hope she watches everything." 734 00:27:05,792 --> 00:27:07,377 I hope she watches everything. 735 00:27:07,460 --> 00:27:09,128 'Cause I think kids are smart enough to go, like, 736 00:27:09,212 --> 00:27:10,296 "That's not for me yet. 737 00:27:10,380 --> 00:27:12,048 "But when I get there, at least I'll know 738 00:27:12,131 --> 00:27:13,758 "that a guy might come on my face, 739 00:27:13,841 --> 00:27:16,135 and here's what I might be able to do with it." 740 00:27:16,219 --> 00:27:18,346 Be funny with it is the answer there. 741 00:27:18,429 --> 00:27:19,764 Be funny with come. 742 00:27:19,847 --> 00:27:21,057 You will have to encounter it. 743 00:27:21,140 --> 00:27:22,934 It's gross. You avoid it. 744 00:27:23,017 --> 00:27:24,018 First time I gave a hand job, 745 00:27:24,102 --> 00:27:25,812 I was so scared of come, I did it over the toilet 746 00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:27,647 so that it would just be direct deposit. 747 00:27:27,730 --> 00:27:29,399 'Cause I was like, "I'm gonna be bad 748 00:27:29,482 --> 00:27:32,443 at handling come." I was nervous about that. 749 00:27:32,527 --> 00:27:33,736 Insane. But I was. 750 00:27:33,820 --> 00:27:34,987 I was like, "I'm gonna be bad at it." 751 00:27:35,071 --> 00:27:37,490 Now I make all of my jokes during sex 752 00:27:37,573 --> 00:27:39,409 about come because I've learned the hard way 753 00:27:39,492 --> 00:27:41,994 that if you make jokes before they come, 754 00:27:42,078 --> 00:27:43,579 guys don't have, like-- 755 00:27:43,663 --> 00:27:45,164 all of their thought blood is in their dick, 756 00:27:45,248 --> 00:27:48,584 so they can't understand sarcasm or irony. 757 00:27:48,668 --> 00:27:50,795 So they're just, like, "What'd you say?" 758 00:27:50,878 --> 00:27:54,507 And so focus all of your sex-based humor 759 00:27:54,590 --> 00:27:55,800 around come, 'cause after they come, 760 00:27:55,883 --> 00:27:57,885 they're just like, "What? Okay." 761 00:27:57,969 --> 00:27:59,971 Like, they're back to normal and you, like-- 762 00:28:00,054 --> 00:28:03,307 you're like, "Oh, you're back. I missed you." 763 00:28:04,767 --> 00:28:06,227 That's when you can make them laugh. 764 00:28:06,310 --> 00:28:07,311 I do it all the time. 765 00:28:07,395 --> 00:28:10,273 Come-based humor is my favorite. 766 00:28:10,356 --> 00:28:12,442 I don't know, come in your hand is hilarious. 767 00:28:12,525 --> 00:28:13,818 You can act like you're Spider-Man 768 00:28:13,901 --> 00:28:15,153 but your, like, valves are clogged. 769 00:28:15,236 --> 00:28:16,654 You're like, "It doesn't work. 770 00:28:16,737 --> 00:28:21,951 I told them. It's just"-- [whining] 771 00:28:22,034 --> 00:28:24,495 Rub it together, be like, "Jacob's ladder." 772 00:28:24,579 --> 00:28:27,832 And, like, "Do you see? Do you see it?" 773 00:28:27,915 --> 00:28:29,459 Cat's cradle. 774 00:28:29,542 --> 00:28:32,336 I--I could go on for another two hours 775 00:28:32,420 --> 00:28:35,298 of come bits, I have so many. 776 00:28:35,381 --> 00:28:36,549 My favorite is after they come 777 00:28:36,632 --> 00:28:38,551 and they're just like... [groans] 778 00:28:38,634 --> 00:28:39,510 And they're just kind of laying there like... 779 00:28:39,594 --> 00:28:41,012 [snickers] And their little penis is, 780 00:28:41,095 --> 00:28:42,847 like, slowly-- 781 00:28:42,930 --> 00:28:44,515 it's, like, shrinking up 782 00:28:44,599 --> 00:28:46,684 and kind of sticking to their thigh. 783 00:28:46,767 --> 00:28:48,519 And I'm just, like, walking around, 784 00:28:48,603 --> 00:28:50,688 still, like, very, like, just, like, full of energy. 785 00:28:50,771 --> 00:28:52,231 I'll be like, "Oh, my God, I forgot my lip gloss," 786 00:28:52,315 --> 00:28:54,025 and I'll just grab it and go, "Mm." 787 00:28:54,108 --> 00:28:58,446 And then, "Bye." And then I'll leave forever. 788 00:28:58,529 --> 00:29:01,073 No, I don't. 789 00:29:01,157 --> 00:29:02,783 I always come back. 790 00:29:04,452 --> 00:29:08,039 Girls go into sexual encounters knowing really nothing, 791 00:29:08,122 --> 00:29:10,041 'cause no one's telling them what honestly happens. 792 00:29:10,124 --> 00:29:12,210 And then you're scared of doing it wrong. 793 00:29:12,293 --> 00:29:14,045 Then something happens and you go, 794 00:29:14,128 --> 00:29:15,046 "I guess that's the way it is," 795 00:29:15,129 --> 00:29:16,255 but it's not. 796 00:29:16,339 --> 00:29:17,882 I feel like it's most girls' fear. 797 00:29:17,965 --> 00:29:20,092 Like, we just are so scared of doing things wrong. 798 00:29:20,176 --> 00:29:21,344 That's why I never gave hand jobs. 799 00:29:21,427 --> 00:29:23,429 I think I used to let guys fuck me 800 00:29:23,513 --> 00:29:26,557 before I even wanted them to because I just-- 801 00:29:26,641 --> 00:29:28,059 it's easy to be good at sex. 802 00:29:28,142 --> 00:29:29,977 You're just like, "I'm a hole," you know? 803 00:29:30,061 --> 00:29:31,896 But, like, when you're giving a hand job, 804 00:29:31,979 --> 00:29:34,357 it, like, takes rhythm and finesse. 805 00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:37,693 And I was just so anxious about being bad at it. 806 00:29:37,777 --> 00:29:39,487 Girls don't do so many things 807 00:29:39,570 --> 00:29:40,571 because we think we'll be bad at it 808 00:29:40,655 --> 00:29:42,532 and that you'll make fun of us or judge us for it 809 00:29:42,615 --> 00:29:43,908 or we'll disappoint you. 810 00:29:43,991 --> 00:29:45,368 And hand jobs, I avoided them. 811 00:29:45,451 --> 00:29:47,328 I literally ate ass before I gave a hand job. 812 00:29:47,411 --> 00:29:48,579 Like, I was just like, 813 00:29:48,663 --> 00:29:51,582 at least that's something he can't do himself, you know? 814 00:29:51,666 --> 00:29:53,793 Unless he's very flexible. 815 00:29:53,876 --> 00:29:57,255 But... I was terrified of hand jobs. 816 00:29:57,338 --> 00:29:58,798 And that should be the first thing you do. 817 00:29:58,881 --> 00:30:01,300 I just feel like if-- if I ever have a daughter, 818 00:30:01,384 --> 00:30:02,677 I'll drown her and wait for a son. 819 00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:06,138 But if I'm ever forced to have a daughter... 820 00:30:06,222 --> 00:30:08,266 'cause there's no water left to drown her in, 821 00:30:08,349 --> 00:30:12,436 I will--I will tell my daughter, like, 822 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:15,815 "Hey, first of all, any worry you have 823 00:30:15,898 --> 00:30:18,234 "about guys judging you or you being bad at it, 824 00:30:18,317 --> 00:30:21,404 "if they have a boner, they're not really thinking. 825 00:30:21,487 --> 00:30:22,780 "They're not judging you. 826 00:30:22,863 --> 00:30:25,741 "They're not storing away information to use against you. 827 00:30:25,825 --> 00:30:27,410 "They're really dumb when they're horny. 828 00:30:27,493 --> 00:30:29,203 Like, very, very dumb." 829 00:30:29,287 --> 00:30:30,913 Sometimes I hook up with guys 830 00:30:30,997 --> 00:30:33,291 and they're so horny and, like, kind of, like...[grunts] 831 00:30:33,374 --> 00:30:34,834 I'm like, 832 00:30:34,917 --> 00:30:36,252 "Is this, like, a situation 833 00:30:36,335 --> 00:30:37,628 "where he's, like, special needs 834 00:30:37,712 --> 00:30:38,671 and I shouldn't do this?" 835 00:30:38,754 --> 00:30:40,923 Like, am I gonna go to jail because I took advantage 836 00:30:41,007 --> 00:30:43,801 of a mentally challenged man? 837 00:30:43,884 --> 00:30:46,470 I swear to God he was talking about Bitcoin 20 minutes ago, 838 00:30:46,554 --> 00:30:50,141 but now he can't form sentences, 839 00:30:50,224 --> 00:30:52,226 and he's grunting and making weird noises. 840 00:30:52,310 --> 00:30:54,812 It's just like, "What happened?" 841 00:30:54,895 --> 00:30:58,024 I remember when I gave a hand job the first time, 842 00:30:58,107 --> 00:30:59,525 which was my biggest fear 843 00:30:59,609 --> 00:31:01,444 because they do it better themselves. 844 00:31:01,527 --> 00:31:03,237 This is something I know I'm gonna be bad at, 845 00:31:03,321 --> 00:31:04,947 no matter what. 846 00:31:05,031 --> 00:31:06,073 They're better at it than me. 847 00:31:06,157 --> 00:31:07,116 They've been doing it all along. 848 00:31:07,199 --> 00:31:08,868 And it's true. You'll never be as good 849 00:31:08,951 --> 00:31:10,953 at giving a hand job as a guy is to himself. 850 00:31:11,037 --> 00:31:11,996 That is true. 851 00:31:12,079 --> 00:31:13,623 They have clocked their 10,000 hours 852 00:31:13,706 --> 00:31:14,957 by the time they're in seventh grade. 853 00:31:15,041 --> 00:31:16,959 There's no chance you'll ever be as good at them. 854 00:31:17,043 --> 00:31:20,880 You're never gonna clock as many hand jobs as them. 855 00:31:20,963 --> 00:31:22,506 So the first hand job I ever gave, 856 00:31:22,590 --> 00:31:24,300 I was so paranoid about doing it 857 00:31:24,383 --> 00:31:25,676 worse than he does it that I was like, 858 00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:27,345 "I'll do it from behind." 859 00:31:27,428 --> 00:31:29,555 It was like an improv game. 860 00:31:29,639 --> 00:31:32,391 Like, I was like, "I'm your arms." 861 00:31:32,475 --> 00:31:33,434 You know? I was like-- 862 00:31:33,517 --> 00:31:35,436 it was like I was Wayne Brady on "Whose Line." 863 00:31:35,519 --> 00:31:39,649 I was like, "This'll do it." 864 00:31:39,732 --> 00:31:40,650 The worst part-- 865 00:31:40,733 --> 00:31:42,318 I was already feeling terrible, 866 00:31:42,401 --> 00:31:43,486 and then the worst part was when I caught 867 00:31:43,569 --> 00:31:46,322 my own reflection in the bathroom mirror. 868 00:31:46,405 --> 00:31:47,615 And it was just such a sad sight. 869 00:31:47,698 --> 00:31:48,658 It was during the day. 870 00:31:48,741 --> 00:31:50,701 I'd just gotten done with work. 871 00:31:50,785 --> 00:31:52,370 I was working at a Korean prep school, 872 00:31:52,453 --> 00:31:56,415 so my lanyard was just, like, hanging between us. 873 00:31:56,499 --> 00:31:58,668 And I was just, like, wearing this Target blazer. 874 00:31:58,751 --> 00:32:00,211 And the lighting was terrible. 875 00:32:00,294 --> 00:32:01,754 And the mirror--oh, my God. 876 00:32:01,837 --> 00:32:03,714 So it was a mirror here and then a mirror on this side. 877 00:32:03,798 --> 00:32:07,093 So it was infinity of me just, like, giving 878 00:32:07,176 --> 00:32:10,096 this sad hand job, just, like-- 879 00:32:11,555 --> 00:32:14,266 It was the saddest Rockettes you've ever seen. 880 00:32:14,350 --> 00:32:17,103 It was like Christmas Sploogetacular. 881 00:32:17,186 --> 00:32:20,398 Like, I was just like, "Oh, God." 882 00:32:20,481 --> 00:32:22,441 And that's when I started to shame spiral of, like, 883 00:32:22,525 --> 00:32:24,276 "You're such a dumb slut. 884 00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:25,653 "Like, you're just giving this guy pleasure. 885 00:32:25,736 --> 00:32:26,696 "He doesn't like you. 886 00:32:26,779 --> 00:32:27,697 "He's probably never gonna talk to you again. 887 00:32:27,780 --> 00:32:28,739 You got nothing out of this." 888 00:32:28,823 --> 00:32:30,199 And I just started going to this place. 889 00:32:30,282 --> 00:32:33,494 And then I was like, "Wait, like, 890 00:32:33,577 --> 00:32:34,870 "I'm not getting nothing out of this. 891 00:32:34,954 --> 00:32:36,789 Like, this is kind of hilarious." 892 00:32:36,872 --> 00:32:39,375 And maybe at the time, I wasn't thinking, 893 00:32:39,458 --> 00:32:43,337 "I'm gonna tell thousands of people in Denver someday," 894 00:32:43,421 --> 00:32:47,425 but I thought I might tell my friends. 895 00:32:48,676 --> 00:32:50,636 And that was enough for me, of just being like, 896 00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:51,846 "This is funny." 897 00:32:51,929 --> 00:32:53,514 Because sex is hilarious. 898 00:32:53,597 --> 00:32:55,099 So if you ever find yourself in a situation 899 00:32:55,182 --> 00:32:56,600 where you're like, "I'm being used, 900 00:32:56,684 --> 00:32:57,935 "and this--I'm just, like-- 901 00:32:58,018 --> 00:32:59,145 I'm getting nothing out of this," 902 00:32:59,228 --> 00:33:01,021 just make it funny for yourself. 903 00:33:01,105 --> 00:33:02,148 And, like, make it for you. 904 00:33:02,231 --> 00:33:03,232 'Cause I swear to God, I remember 905 00:33:03,315 --> 00:33:04,400 I just had that thought, and then I, like, 906 00:33:04,483 --> 00:33:05,818 straightened up my posture 907 00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:08,571 and kind of getting, like, a swagger with it, 908 00:33:08,654 --> 00:33:11,115 and I looked back at my selves, and I winked. 909 00:33:11,198 --> 00:33:13,033 I was like, "We got this, girls." 910 00:33:13,117 --> 00:33:16,245 [cheers and applause] 911 00:33:16,328 --> 00:33:17,455 Like, we were the Spice Girls 912 00:33:17,538 --> 00:33:19,790 before a final reunion performance. 913 00:33:19,874 --> 00:33:23,794 I just f--I felt charged up from it. 914 00:33:23,878 --> 00:33:26,422 I was like, "This is wild. 915 00:33:26,505 --> 00:33:28,257 "I've never done anything like this in my life. 916 00:33:28,340 --> 00:33:30,009 "I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17. 917 00:33:30,092 --> 00:33:31,510 "I was scared of men, and now I'm jerking 918 00:33:31,594 --> 00:33:34,680 "this guy off over a toilet? Like, I'm cool." 919 00:33:34,764 --> 00:33:37,183 I remember skipping out of his house. 920 00:33:37,266 --> 00:33:39,185 I remember skipping to my fucking car 921 00:33:39,268 --> 00:33:41,020 that had been towed while I was doing it. 922 00:33:41,103 --> 00:33:42,855 So it was a low point in my life, 923 00:33:42,938 --> 00:33:44,482 but it was a high point, 'cause I was like, 924 00:33:44,565 --> 00:33:46,484 "I'm a weird, cool whore. 925 00:33:46,567 --> 00:33:47,943 "And, like, I don't know, I just can't wait 926 00:33:48,027 --> 00:33:49,487 to tell someone about it." 927 00:33:49,570 --> 00:33:52,156 Some of the most empowering days of my life have been 928 00:33:52,239 --> 00:33:55,785 from me doing just kind of slutty, degrading things 929 00:33:55,868 --> 00:33:58,037 that on paper could be, you know, 930 00:33:58,120 --> 00:33:59,872 "Oh, that's so sad." 931 00:33:59,955 --> 00:34:01,332 But I'm like, "I never thought I could do this, 932 00:34:01,415 --> 00:34:02,458 and I'm doing it." 933 00:34:02,541 --> 00:34:05,002 Like, if you would have asked me four years ago, 934 00:34:05,085 --> 00:34:06,504 "Nikki, will you ever eat ass?" 935 00:34:06,587 --> 00:34:08,339 I would have been like, 936 00:34:08,422 --> 00:34:09,423 "Yeah, I did two years ago." 937 00:34:09,507 --> 00:34:12,551 But if you would have asked me six years ago, 938 00:34:12,635 --> 00:34:15,387 will I ever eat ass? 939 00:34:15,471 --> 00:34:17,181 I'd have been like, "This is a weird census. 940 00:34:17,264 --> 00:34:20,226 Get off my porch," but I would've said, 941 00:34:20,309 --> 00:34:21,393 "Is this really what they're asking now? 942 00:34:21,477 --> 00:34:22,853 Okay, um"-- 943 00:34:22,937 --> 00:34:23,938 No, I would have said, "Hell no." 944 00:34:24,021 --> 00:34:25,773 I would have gone-- I would have signed off 945 00:34:25,856 --> 00:34:27,358 to go to my grave without eating ass. 946 00:34:27,441 --> 00:34:28,526 Who needs to do that? 947 00:34:28,609 --> 00:34:30,152 And ironically enough, since I've done it, 948 00:34:30,236 --> 00:34:33,155 I actually--I call eating ass "going to the grave." 949 00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:35,449 But, um, just based on the taste alone. 950 00:34:35,533 --> 00:34:38,160 But...I have done it. 951 00:34:38,244 --> 00:34:40,496 I don't know how I did it. 952 00:34:40,579 --> 00:34:42,331 I only know that I got horny enough 953 00:34:42,414 --> 00:34:43,374 that it seemed like a good idea. 954 00:34:43,457 --> 00:34:45,835 I got as stupid as I've seen men get 955 00:34:45,918 --> 00:34:48,045 when they get horny, and I got there. 956 00:34:48,128 --> 00:34:50,214 I was able to do something I never would have thought-- 957 00:34:50,297 --> 00:34:52,216 if you had asked me ten seconds before I did it 958 00:34:52,299 --> 00:34:53,467 if I would ever do it, I would have been like, 959 00:34:53,551 --> 00:34:54,552 "Oh, no." Like, there were balls 960 00:34:54,635 --> 00:34:56,220 in my mouth, but I was like, "I would never"-- 961 00:34:56,303 --> 00:34:58,389 Like, I would have said no. 962 00:34:58,472 --> 00:35:00,641 'Cause I had no idea. 963 00:35:00,724 --> 00:35:01,892 But I got horny enough 964 00:35:01,976 --> 00:35:03,644 that it seemed like a good idea. 965 00:35:05,354 --> 00:35:07,106 Guys, if you get us horny enough, 966 00:35:07,189 --> 00:35:12,027 we will do crazy, crazy things that we swear we'd never do. 967 00:35:12,111 --> 00:35:13,529 Keep that in mind. Seriously. 968 00:35:13,612 --> 00:35:15,823 You just never get us horny enough. 969 00:35:15,906 --> 00:35:18,367 And by the way, when I say "eating ass," 970 00:35:18,450 --> 00:35:19,702 I didn't, like--I wasn't like, 971 00:35:19,785 --> 00:35:21,495 "Mmm, Yoplait, fruit on the bottom." 972 00:35:21,579 --> 00:35:23,122 Like, it's not eating. I hate "eating"-- 973 00:35:23,205 --> 00:35:25,249 it sounds like I'm chewing it or something. 974 00:35:25,332 --> 00:35:26,458 No, he didn't have a hemorrhoid. 975 00:35:26,542 --> 00:35:30,254 I just, like... feel like it'd be chewy. 976 00:35:30,337 --> 00:35:31,797 I don't know. 977 00:35:31,881 --> 00:35:33,257 Just, like, admitting that I ate ass, 978 00:35:33,340 --> 00:35:34,842 it's not-- 979 00:35:34,925 --> 00:35:36,510 I'm not trying to be gross. I'm really not. 980 00:35:36,594 --> 00:35:39,221 I'm just--I swear to God, after I ate ass, 981 00:35:39,305 --> 00:35:42,099 I was like, "I could do anything. 982 00:35:42,182 --> 00:35:44,768 "Like, I've licked a man's asshole. 983 00:35:44,852 --> 00:35:47,104 I could--I could be president." 984 00:35:47,187 --> 00:35:50,774 Like, that's--you know? 985 00:35:50,858 --> 00:35:51,984 And then I remembered I'm a woman. 986 00:35:52,067 --> 00:35:53,444 And I was like, "Okay, scratch that. 987 00:35:53,527 --> 00:35:54,612 "Like... 988 00:35:54,695 --> 00:35:58,532 but maybe I could eat a president's ass." 989 00:35:58,616 --> 00:35:59,950 A girl can dream. 990 00:36:02,995 --> 00:36:05,915 I, uh--I lived with my parents during COVID 991 00:36:05,998 --> 00:36:07,583 for about ten months. 992 00:36:07,666 --> 00:36:09,793 So now I'm looking for a husband 993 00:36:09,877 --> 00:36:12,296 because I don't want to do that again 994 00:36:12,379 --> 00:36:14,423 when it comes back. 995 00:36:14,506 --> 00:36:16,800 Yeah, I gotta get a husband. It's time. 996 00:36:16,884 --> 00:36:18,135 And it's really more about, 997 00:36:18,218 --> 00:36:19,720 like, just wanting to be with someone 998 00:36:19,803 --> 00:36:22,723 when the inevitable apocalypse befalls us. 999 00:36:22,806 --> 00:36:25,184 I just want one guy to fucking care about me. 1000 00:36:25,267 --> 00:36:26,894 I want to be number one on a guy's list. 1001 00:36:26,977 --> 00:36:29,271 For him to be like, "I gotta get to Nikki!" 1002 00:36:29,355 --> 00:36:31,565 You know? Like, I want that. 1003 00:36:31,649 --> 00:36:33,442 And sure, like, my dad cares about me. 1004 00:36:33,525 --> 00:36:35,861 And I'm still-- like, I'm on his list. 1005 00:36:35,945 --> 00:36:37,947 But I'm lower. There's nieces and nephews. 1006 00:36:38,030 --> 00:36:39,657 And I'm still above my mom 'cause I kissed him on the lips 1007 00:36:39,740 --> 00:36:42,534 till I was 26, but, um... 1008 00:36:42,618 --> 00:36:43,619 I earned that spot. 1009 00:36:43,702 --> 00:36:46,288 But, like, he's getting older. 1010 00:36:46,372 --> 00:36:48,374 And I just want someone to, like, care 1011 00:36:48,457 --> 00:36:50,125 when shit goes down. 1012 00:36:50,209 --> 00:36:51,669 And it got into my head 1013 00:36:51,752 --> 00:36:54,171 watching the movie "San Andreas." 1014 00:36:54,254 --> 00:36:55,506 Did you guys see that where, like, 1015 00:36:55,589 --> 00:36:57,508 there's this huge earthquake and the-- 1016 00:36:57,591 --> 00:36:59,009 pretty much the only people that survive 1017 00:36:59,093 --> 00:37:01,679 on the whole West Coast are The Rock's family 1018 00:37:01,762 --> 00:37:03,681 that he's trying to get to the whole movie. 1019 00:37:03,764 --> 00:37:05,182 Whole movie is him just trying to get to them. 1020 00:37:05,265 --> 00:37:07,434 And anyway--and you don't stand a chance to survive 1021 00:37:07,518 --> 00:37:09,853 unless you have The Rock looking for you. 1022 00:37:09,937 --> 00:37:12,189 And I'm like, "I gotta find my Rock." 1023 00:37:12,273 --> 00:37:14,358 And the truth of the matter is, 1024 00:37:14,441 --> 00:37:17,152 in a natural disaster, 1025 00:37:17,236 --> 00:37:18,862 it's kind of everyone for themselves, you know? 1026 00:37:18,946 --> 00:37:21,991 Like, I feel like even The Rock would just, like, sprint 1027 00:37:22,074 --> 00:37:24,118 out of his mansion and leave his wife and kids behind. 1028 00:37:24,201 --> 00:37:25,202 They're like, "Where are you going?" 1029 00:37:25,285 --> 00:37:26,704 And he just, like, has his protein powders 1030 00:37:26,787 --> 00:37:30,207 and his MTV popcorn awards and Kevin Hart in this arm. 1031 00:37:30,291 --> 00:37:31,875 And he's just like, "I'm just-- 1032 00:37:31,959 --> 00:37:34,545 I gotta get to Elon's." 1033 00:37:34,628 --> 00:37:36,714 Just everything that'll keep him relevant 1034 00:37:36,797 --> 00:37:39,049 into the future. 1035 00:37:40,968 --> 00:37:42,594 I gotta find a guy to care. 1036 00:37:42,678 --> 00:37:44,388 And by the way, I just want him to scream my fucking name. 1037 00:37:44,471 --> 00:37:45,472 That's all I want. 1038 00:37:45,556 --> 00:37:47,433 I just want the energy out in the world of, like, 1039 00:37:47,516 --> 00:37:48,809 "Nikki!" - Nikki! 1040 00:37:48,892 --> 00:37:50,060 - No, you're gonna-- 1041 00:37:50,144 --> 00:37:51,270 you're gonna try to find your mom. 1042 00:37:51,353 --> 00:37:53,605 I--just don't even pretend like you won't. 1043 00:37:53,689 --> 00:37:55,274 Every man is gonna look for his mom, 1044 00:37:55,357 --> 00:37:56,734 even if she's already dead. 1045 00:37:56,817 --> 00:37:58,027 [sighs] 1046 00:37:58,110 --> 00:38:00,612 That moment when we get the alert on our phone, 1047 00:38:00,696 --> 00:38:01,989 that's when I want him to go into action. 1048 00:38:02,072 --> 00:38:03,574 You know the alert that's gonna happen 1049 00:38:03,657 --> 00:38:05,743 that's gonna be like, "It's ending, guys. 1050 00:38:05,826 --> 00:38:08,537 Uh, sorry. Five minutes to say goodbye." 1051 00:38:08,620 --> 00:38:10,331 It's gonna sound like an Amber Alert at first. 1052 00:38:10,414 --> 00:38:11,874 You're gonna go, "Should we even get it? 1053 00:38:11,957 --> 00:38:13,000 "It just sounds like-- 1054 00:38:13,083 --> 00:38:14,043 it's probably an Amber Alert." 1055 00:38:14,126 --> 00:38:15,461 But someone's gonna go, "It sounds diff-- 1056 00:38:15,544 --> 00:38:17,921 like, it's, like, piercing. It's more urgent." 1057 00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:19,506 It's like, "Maybe, like, a white child's missing? 1058 00:38:19,590 --> 00:38:20,632 "Like, we should just check. 1059 00:38:20,716 --> 00:38:22,551 "Like it could be a-- 1060 00:38:22,634 --> 00:38:26,555 "a delicate...baby white girl. 1061 00:38:26,638 --> 00:38:29,058 I just want to check." 1062 00:38:29,141 --> 00:38:30,768 And then I want my husband to look 1063 00:38:30,851 --> 00:38:32,102 and it's, like, you know, a tsunami's coming. 1064 00:38:32,186 --> 00:38:33,103 And I just want him to be like, 1065 00:38:33,187 --> 00:38:34,229 "Nikki!" 1066 00:38:34,313 --> 00:38:35,481 And then he doesn't get to me. 1067 00:38:35,564 --> 00:38:37,566 He just gets, like, hit by a filing cabinet in a wave. 1068 00:38:37,649 --> 00:38:39,943 But still, like, 1069 00:38:40,027 --> 00:38:41,361 just the energy's in the world. 1070 00:38:41,445 --> 00:38:42,488 That is true, though. 1071 00:38:42,571 --> 00:38:44,239 It's like, you don't drown in a tsunami. 1072 00:38:44,323 --> 00:38:46,909 You just die from the garbage in it, so-- 1073 00:38:46,992 --> 00:38:48,744 That's-- I just want you guys to 1074 00:38:48,827 --> 00:38:50,370 rest assured, don't worry. You're not gonna drown. 1075 00:38:50,454 --> 00:38:51,747 You're just gonna get impaled by a stop sign. 1076 00:38:51,830 --> 00:38:53,332 Or, like, a fucking Peloton bike 1077 00:38:53,415 --> 00:38:54,750 is gonna slice off your head. 1078 00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:57,044 But that's--just-- you won't drown. 1079 00:38:57,127 --> 00:38:58,629 [chuckles] 1080 00:38:58,712 --> 00:39:00,089 I've started reading books, though, 1081 00:39:00,172 --> 00:39:01,673 about how to trick a man into loving you, 1082 00:39:01,757 --> 00:39:03,383 'cause I was just like, 1083 00:39:03,467 --> 00:39:05,135 "This being yourself shit 1084 00:39:05,219 --> 00:39:07,221 "ain't working for old Glasedog. 1085 00:39:07,304 --> 00:39:11,058 Uh, I'm gonna pick up one of these books." 1086 00:39:11,141 --> 00:39:14,103 These books that are like, "Do anything but be yourself. 1087 00:39:14,186 --> 00:39:17,940 "Please, God, change your ways. Here are the tricks." 1088 00:39:18,023 --> 00:39:19,942 The one I tell every girl to read 1089 00:39:20,025 --> 00:39:21,944 because I've seen my friends use it and it works 1090 00:39:22,027 --> 00:39:24,446 is called "Getting to 'I Do.'" 1091 00:39:24,530 --> 00:39:26,698 It lays out a plan for how to get a guy 1092 00:39:26,782 --> 00:39:27,783 and trick him into committing to you, 1093 00:39:27,866 --> 00:39:29,910 'cause you will have to deceive him. 1094 00:39:29,993 --> 00:39:31,787 And, um, 1095 00:39:31,870 --> 00:39:33,455 it's just the way it works. 1096 00:39:33,539 --> 00:39:35,999 And let me just say, though, 1097 00:39:36,083 --> 00:39:38,836 that the book "Getting to 'I Do'"-- 1098 00:39:38,919 --> 00:39:40,671 if the guy you're trying to seduce 1099 00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:44,174 into a relationship sees the cover of the book, 1100 00:39:44,258 --> 00:39:46,760 you lost, okay? 1101 00:39:46,844 --> 00:39:48,220 Don't let him see the cover. 1102 00:39:48,303 --> 00:39:51,014 "Getting to 'I Do'"? It's terrible. 1103 00:39:51,098 --> 00:39:52,808 Cover it up with another book cover. 1104 00:39:52,891 --> 00:39:54,518 Fucking "Mein Kampf" is better than 1105 00:39:54,601 --> 00:39:58,856 "Getting to 'I Do.'" Anything. 1106 00:39:58,939 --> 00:40:01,150 But it will get you there. I'm serious. 1107 00:40:01,233 --> 00:40:02,693 Okay, so rule number one-- 1108 00:40:02,776 --> 00:40:05,404 and by the way, this is all based upon the fact 1109 00:40:05,487 --> 00:40:08,157 that we are still animals. 1110 00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:09,867 You know, our brains have not adapted 1111 00:40:09,950 --> 00:40:10,868 to modern culture. 1112 00:40:10,951 --> 00:40:12,161 We're still operating 1113 00:40:12,244 --> 00:40:13,996 based on instincts that are gonna help 1114 00:40:14,079 --> 00:40:17,499 our--our species survive and make more babies. 1115 00:40:17,583 --> 00:40:18,709 So that's all we do. 1116 00:40:18,792 --> 00:40:19,877 That's why we're attracted to anything 1117 00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:21,420 is because somewhere back here, 1118 00:40:21,503 --> 00:40:24,089 our mammal brain is like, "This will help you survive, 1119 00:40:24,173 --> 00:40:26,175 or this will make more of you." 1120 00:40:26,258 --> 00:40:28,385 So starting from that perspective-- 1121 00:40:28,468 --> 00:40:29,887 'cause we all used to live in tribes, by the way. 1122 00:40:29,970 --> 00:40:32,556 There was no, like, marriage or, like, monogamy. 1123 00:40:32,639 --> 00:40:34,433 We just all fucked each other. 1124 00:40:34,516 --> 00:40:36,393 And we all needed to make as many babies as possible 1125 00:40:36,476 --> 00:40:37,895 because the harsh winter was coming, 1126 00:40:37,978 --> 00:40:39,229 and babies don't survive. 1127 00:40:39,313 --> 00:40:40,898 So it wasn't like it is now, 1128 00:40:40,981 --> 00:40:43,358 but we're still operating on those instincts. 1129 00:40:43,442 --> 00:40:45,360 Our brain has been hitting "Remind me tomorrow" 1130 00:40:45,444 --> 00:40:47,529 on the system update for thousands of years. 1131 00:40:47,613 --> 00:40:50,365 Like, it's not gonna get to it. 1132 00:40:50,449 --> 00:40:53,410 And so you have to honor that even though it sucks, 1133 00:40:53,494 --> 00:40:56,705 'cause the first rule: 1134 00:40:56,788 --> 00:40:57,831 look fuckable. 1135 00:40:57,915 --> 00:40:58,832 Just look fuckable. 1136 00:40:58,916 --> 00:41:00,751 Appeal to men wanting 1137 00:41:00,834 --> 00:41:03,462 to put their penises in you and make more of them. 1138 00:41:03,545 --> 00:41:05,631 And be fuckable. Get his attention. 1139 00:41:05,714 --> 00:41:08,759 Make his monkey brain be like, "I can get that pregnant. 1140 00:41:08,842 --> 00:41:10,594 "She looks like she's ovulating. 1141 00:41:10,677 --> 00:41:13,096 She's a good host for my sperm." 1142 00:41:13,180 --> 00:41:16,934 That's--every makeup trend is taking advantage 1143 00:41:17,017 --> 00:41:20,437 of that biological wiring of, like, "She's ovulating." 1144 00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:22,439 That's why, you know, we all want, like, 1145 00:41:22,523 --> 00:41:25,400 big, shiny, like, glossy lips. 1146 00:41:25,484 --> 00:41:27,444 Like, that's the look, 'cause it looks like a vagina, 1147 00:41:27,527 --> 00:41:28,737 which you probably know, right? 1148 00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:31,406 Like, literally the best-looking lips right now 1149 00:41:31,490 --> 00:41:32,866 are just the same ones you see 1150 00:41:32,950 --> 00:41:35,744 on the baboon at the zoo exhibit 1151 00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:37,829 that you have to, like, keep the kids away from it 1152 00:41:37,913 --> 00:41:39,790 'cause she's just, like, wiping her wet vulva 1153 00:41:39,873 --> 00:41:41,500 on, like, a branch, and you're like, 1154 00:41:41,583 --> 00:41:45,295 "Let's maybe go to see the dolphins." 1155 00:41:45,379 --> 00:41:46,672 That's what our lips look like. 1156 00:41:46,755 --> 00:41:49,258 So that men go, "Pussy." 1157 00:41:49,341 --> 00:41:51,927 Like, they subconsciously think about our vaginas. 1158 00:41:52,010 --> 00:41:53,011 It's wild. 1159 00:41:53,095 --> 00:41:54,721 We don't even know we're doing it. 1160 00:41:55,973 --> 00:41:57,891 I just--I don't know. I love makeup. 1161 00:41:57,975 --> 00:41:59,685 I have a love-hate relationship with it. 1162 00:41:59,768 --> 00:42:01,478 It does help you look more fuckable. 1163 00:42:01,561 --> 00:42:03,313 It's, like--it just does. 1164 00:42:03,397 --> 00:42:05,107 It tricks guys. 1165 00:42:05,190 --> 00:42:07,776 Sometimes I put on, like, this dewy finishing spray 1166 00:42:07,859 --> 00:42:09,319 or, like, a highlighter, you know? 1167 00:42:09,403 --> 00:42:11,113 But you spray this, like, glycerin spray 1168 00:42:11,196 --> 00:42:12,406 at the end of your makeup. 1169 00:42:12,489 --> 00:42:13,657 And people honestly go, like, 1170 00:42:13,740 --> 00:42:14,992 "Nikki, what's going on in your life? 1171 00:42:15,075 --> 00:42:16,702 You're, like, glowing. What's happened?" 1172 00:42:16,785 --> 00:42:19,121 And I'm like, "This isn't some inner radiance. 1173 00:42:19,204 --> 00:42:20,330 "I've sprayed something on my face 1174 00:42:20,414 --> 00:42:23,625 "that's usually used to seal decks for the winter. 1175 00:42:23,709 --> 00:42:27,504 "So I'm actively absorbing cancer right now. 1176 00:42:27,587 --> 00:42:29,464 Will you marry me?" Um... 1177 00:42:32,259 --> 00:42:33,885 I don't like it, and it sucks, 1178 00:42:33,969 --> 00:42:35,846 'cause you're like, "I want to wear pants. 1179 00:42:35,929 --> 00:42:36,888 They're comfortable." And it's like, 1180 00:42:36,972 --> 00:42:38,056 "Okay, well, do you want a husband, 1181 00:42:38,140 --> 00:42:40,684 or do you want to pass legislation?" 1182 00:42:40,767 --> 00:42:42,769 Like...[chuckles] 1183 00:42:42,853 --> 00:42:44,521 It's unfortunate. It sucks. 1184 00:42:44,604 --> 00:42:46,398 Being fuckable is hard. It's uncomfortable. 1185 00:42:46,481 --> 00:42:48,650 I wear heels that make my legs look great. 1186 00:42:48,734 --> 00:42:49,860 But my feet look like they've been 1187 00:42:49,943 --> 00:42:51,278 through the Ming dynasty. 1188 00:42:51,361 --> 00:42:53,697 They're crumpled and bunioned. 1189 00:42:54,781 --> 00:42:56,491 Just look fuckable, girls. It sucks. 1190 00:42:56,575 --> 00:42:57,993 I know it sucks. 1191 00:42:58,076 --> 00:42:59,494 You going skiing? Bring a sundress. 1192 00:42:59,578 --> 00:43:01,496 Like, show some skin. 1193 00:43:01,580 --> 00:43:03,498 Lot of single men on that mountain. 1194 00:43:03,582 --> 00:43:07,210 I was worried recently, 'cause I did an interview, 1195 00:43:07,294 --> 00:43:09,087 and the headline of the article came out and it said, 1196 00:43:09,171 --> 00:43:11,089 "Nikki Glaser Values Being Fuckable 1197 00:43:11,173 --> 00:43:13,133 More Than Being Funny." 1198 00:43:13,216 --> 00:43:14,634 And I thought, "Oh, my God, 1199 00:43:14,718 --> 00:43:15,802 "people are gonna come after me for this. 1200 00:43:15,886 --> 00:43:17,971 I'm--I'm a bad feminist. 1201 00:43:18,055 --> 00:43:18,930 Luckily no one saw it 1202 00:43:19,014 --> 00:43:20,349 because, like, a celebrity died that day. 1203 00:43:20,432 --> 00:43:21,391 So it was like, "Yes! 1204 00:43:21,475 --> 00:43:22,601 Thank God for the opioid crisis." 1205 00:43:22,684 --> 00:43:24,686 Like, really came in clutch for me that day. 1206 00:43:24,770 --> 00:43:26,104 But, um... 1207 00:43:26,188 --> 00:43:27,606 it isn't even what I said. 1208 00:43:27,689 --> 00:43:28,690 Honestly, I was misquoted. 1209 00:43:28,774 --> 00:43:30,025 I remember talking to the journalist, 1210 00:43:30,108 --> 00:43:31,526 and what I did say was, "I value being fuckable 1211 00:43:31,610 --> 00:43:32,569 "more than being funny, 1212 00:43:32,652 --> 00:43:34,154 "but, like, please don't print that. 1213 00:43:34,237 --> 00:43:35,238 "Like, I'm serious. 1214 00:43:35,322 --> 00:43:36,490 "Like, people are gonna be pissed, 1215 00:43:36,573 --> 00:43:38,825 but, like, between you and me, like, I do." 1216 00:43:40,243 --> 00:43:42,746 That's why I'm trying to stay young. 1217 00:43:42,829 --> 00:43:43,747 I'm aging, though. 1218 00:43:43,830 --> 00:43:45,957 I'm aging gracefully, but it's like-- 1219 00:43:46,041 --> 00:43:47,542 whatever that means. 1220 00:43:47,626 --> 00:43:50,128 And I just want to let you girls in your 20s know 1221 00:43:50,212 --> 00:43:51,254 you're gonna age too. 1222 00:43:51,338 --> 00:43:54,758 And I know there's a secret part of you that's like, 1223 00:43:54,841 --> 00:43:57,469 "I don't want to. Like, "I just--I don't feel like it." 1224 00:43:57,552 --> 00:43:59,554 'Cause I used to be in my 20s and, like, look at women 1225 00:43:59,638 --> 00:44:03,141 with their skin slightly, like, succumbing to gravity. 1226 00:44:03,225 --> 00:44:05,852 Like, their eyelids turning into, like, vaginal lips. 1227 00:44:05,936 --> 00:44:07,437 Like, I used to see that. 1228 00:44:07,521 --> 00:44:09,648 I have it now when people put on my eye makeup. 1229 00:44:09,731 --> 00:44:11,566 When I do it, I have to lift my eyelid 1230 00:44:11,650 --> 00:44:14,569 like I'm looking for my clit and draw a line on. 1231 00:44:14,653 --> 00:44:16,405 I used to be able to just, boop. 1232 00:44:16,488 --> 00:44:17,406 It's happening. 1233 00:44:17,489 --> 00:44:18,740 It'll happen to you too. 1234 00:44:18,824 --> 00:44:20,909 And I know that you're like, "No, I'm gonna opt out." 1235 00:44:20,992 --> 00:44:22,411 But, like, "I'm just not gonna age. 1236 00:44:22,494 --> 00:44:23,829 I just, like, don't want to." 1237 00:44:23,912 --> 00:44:25,789 And honestly...[sighs] 1238 00:44:25,872 --> 00:44:28,458 I fucking hope you don't 'cause I want you to die young. 1239 00:44:28,542 --> 00:44:31,002 I am tired of you 1240 00:44:31,086 --> 00:44:32,671 dating men my age 1241 00:44:32,754 --> 00:44:34,339 who should be dating me, 1242 00:44:34,423 --> 00:44:37,217 but they date you instead. 1243 00:44:37,300 --> 00:44:38,301 It's okay. 1244 00:44:38,385 --> 00:44:39,719 I'm not mad at you about it. 1245 00:44:39,803 --> 00:44:42,013 I'm mad at those guys, and I'm not even mad. 1246 00:44:42,097 --> 00:44:43,181 I get it. 1247 00:44:43,265 --> 00:44:45,517 If I was an older guy that didn't want to settle down 1248 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,811 and was, like, turned on by hot young girls, 1249 00:44:47,894 --> 00:44:49,312 I'd fucking date young girls too. 1250 00:44:49,396 --> 00:44:51,565 But I wouldn't lie about it and be like, 1251 00:44:51,648 --> 00:44:53,650 "No, I know she's young, Nikki, but, like, 1252 00:44:53,733 --> 00:44:55,610 "she's, like, really mature for her age. 1253 00:44:55,694 --> 00:44:57,779 "Like, she's--like, that's what I love about her most. 1254 00:44:57,863 --> 00:45:00,115 "She just so happens to be 22. 1255 00:45:00,198 --> 00:45:01,950 "But, like, she's got, like-- 1256 00:45:02,033 --> 00:45:03,952 she's got, like, the oldest soul." 1257 00:45:04,035 --> 00:45:07,122 I don't know what's happening, 1258 00:45:07,205 --> 00:45:09,583 but there's, like, an epidemic of 20-somethings 1259 00:45:09,666 --> 00:45:11,460 with old souls happening right now 1260 00:45:11,543 --> 00:45:14,379 according to all my 40-year-old friends. 1261 00:45:14,463 --> 00:45:15,672 "She's just got the oldest soul." 1262 00:45:15,755 --> 00:45:16,798 Oh, really? 1263 00:45:16,882 --> 00:45:19,259 Of course you like the only thing old about a woman 1264 00:45:19,342 --> 00:45:20,927 that you can't see. 1265 00:45:21,011 --> 00:45:22,971 Oh, isn't that convenient? 1266 00:45:23,054 --> 00:45:24,890 You never hear a guy going, "She's 23. 1267 00:45:24,973 --> 00:45:26,516 "I know she's 23, Nikki, but seriously, 1268 00:45:26,600 --> 00:45:28,018 "she's got, like, the oldest pussy. 1269 00:45:28,101 --> 00:45:29,895 "And I just love it. It, like, looks like 1270 00:45:29,978 --> 00:45:31,855 "it's, like, been through some shit, you know? 1271 00:45:31,938 --> 00:45:33,857 That's what makes her so great." 1272 00:45:33,940 --> 00:45:35,150 It's like, shut up! 1273 00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:37,360 You like her 'cause she's hot and young! 1274 00:45:37,444 --> 00:45:39,154 Stop lying! It's okay. 1275 00:45:39,237 --> 00:45:40,155 You like her 'cause she's young. 1276 00:45:40,238 --> 00:45:41,448 She looks good. 1277 00:45:41,531 --> 00:45:43,909 She has a tight skin, tight puss. 1278 00:45:43,992 --> 00:45:46,328 She--you can lie to her and she doesn't, like-- 1279 00:45:46,411 --> 00:45:49,080 she'll probably believe it more than an older woman would 1280 00:45:49,164 --> 00:45:52,209 because we've been lied to more and we know your wily ways. 1281 00:45:52,292 --> 00:45:53,710 She doesn't want to have kids yet, 1282 00:45:53,793 --> 00:45:55,212 so you can, like, take your time. 1283 00:45:55,295 --> 00:45:57,130 There's a million reasons to do it. 1284 00:45:57,214 --> 00:45:58,215 It's not--it's okay. 1285 00:45:58,298 --> 00:45:59,966 You don't have to lie and say they have old souls. 1286 00:46:00,050 --> 00:46:02,219 They don't have old souls! 1287 00:46:02,302 --> 00:46:03,887 A few of them do! 1288 00:46:03,970 --> 00:46:06,806 I know a couple that actually do have old souls 1289 00:46:06,890 --> 00:46:10,227 because something traumatic happened to them. 1290 00:46:10,310 --> 00:46:11,728 And they need to go heal from it. 1291 00:46:11,811 --> 00:46:15,023 They don't need to be humped by you and your old body. 1292 00:46:15,106 --> 00:46:17,567 They need to go talk to a woman in an office about 1293 00:46:17,651 --> 00:46:20,445 why they're attracted to men that look like their uncle. 1294 00:46:20,529 --> 00:46:23,323 That's what they need to do. Leave them alone. 1295 00:46:23,406 --> 00:46:25,075 [cheers and applause] 1296 00:46:25,158 --> 00:46:27,452 These 20-year-olds 1297 00:46:27,536 --> 00:46:29,246 should not have the despondent glare 1298 00:46:29,329 --> 00:46:31,957 of a Depression-era Dust Bowl widow 1299 00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:33,917 with seven mouths to feed. 1300 00:46:35,168 --> 00:46:38,255 Leave her alone. 1301 00:46:38,338 --> 00:46:41,341 Let her go heal. That's weird. 1302 00:46:43,718 --> 00:46:46,096 So rule number one. 1303 00:46:46,179 --> 00:46:48,723 Look fuckable. 1304 00:46:48,807 --> 00:46:50,016 Got that. 1305 00:46:50,100 --> 00:46:52,143 Rule number two. All right? 1306 00:46:52,227 --> 00:46:54,062 Now, this throws you for a curve. 1307 00:46:54,145 --> 00:46:55,605 Rule number one is look fuckable. 1308 00:46:55,689 --> 00:46:57,482 Rule number two. Don't fuck them. 1309 00:46:57,566 --> 00:46:59,609 If you want to get a guy, don't fuck them. 1310 00:46:59,693 --> 00:47:02,237 That's really hard to do. Don't let them in your vagina. 1311 00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:03,697 You can let them anywhere else-- 1312 00:47:03,780 --> 00:47:07,117 well, the book actually says don't let them in your mouth, 1313 00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:10,412 your vagina, or your ass, but, like, 1314 00:47:10,495 --> 00:47:11,955 a girl's gotta eat, so, like, 1315 00:47:12,038 --> 00:47:13,582 I just say don't let them in your vagina. 1316 00:47:13,665 --> 00:47:17,252 That's my interpretation of the book. 1317 00:47:17,335 --> 00:47:20,338 'Cause it checks out. It really does. 1318 00:47:20,422 --> 00:47:21,381 It's--[sighs] 1319 00:47:21,464 --> 00:47:23,967 You've felt it before. It changes after sex. 1320 00:47:24,050 --> 00:47:25,719 Even if you've waited, like, three dates 1321 00:47:25,802 --> 00:47:28,138 to have sex with a guy 'cause you don't want to seem easy 1322 00:47:28,221 --> 00:47:29,723 or, like, however long it makes you feel like, 1323 00:47:29,806 --> 00:47:31,766 "I'm not a slut, and he'll respect me," 1324 00:47:31,850 --> 00:47:33,643 whatever rule you have in your head-- 1325 00:47:33,727 --> 00:47:34,978 and you actually feel like he likes you. 1326 00:47:35,061 --> 00:47:36,354 And let's just say he does like you. 1327 00:47:36,438 --> 00:47:38,356 Let's for instance say this is a guy 1328 00:47:38,440 --> 00:47:39,482 who actually likes you. 1329 00:47:39,566 --> 00:47:41,693 He's not lying. He's not an F boy. 1330 00:47:41,776 --> 00:47:43,278 He's not lying to get something--he truly-- 1331 00:47:43,361 --> 00:47:45,155 he's like a Josh. He's not a Garrett. 1332 00:47:45,238 --> 00:47:48,617 You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying. 1333 00:47:48,700 --> 00:47:50,118 [laughs] He's-- 1334 00:47:50,201 --> 00:47:52,495 he's actually invest-- he wants a girlfriend. 1335 00:47:52,579 --> 00:47:53,705 He hasn't settled these things yet 1336 00:47:53,788 --> 00:47:55,040 because that's too soon to talk about it. 1337 00:47:55,123 --> 00:47:56,166 But he's a nice guy. 1338 00:47:56,249 --> 00:47:58,335 And he showed such promise too. 1339 00:47:58,418 --> 00:47:59,961 And you want to sleep with him 'cause sex feels good 1340 00:48:00,045 --> 00:48:01,212 and you're ready to do that and you're like, 1341 00:48:01,296 --> 00:48:02,297 "This guy's my boyfriend. 1342 00:48:02,380 --> 00:48:03,715 "Let me just sleep with him, right? 1343 00:48:03,798 --> 00:48:05,258 "I'm tired of giving hand jobs. 1344 00:48:05,342 --> 00:48:06,968 "I don't have my Invisalign tonight. 1345 00:48:07,052 --> 00:48:08,511 Let's just do this." 1346 00:48:08,595 --> 00:48:10,513 And you go, "He's gonna be my boyfriend. 1347 00:48:10,597 --> 00:48:13,224 "I haven't seen a guy show this much promise in so long. 1348 00:48:13,308 --> 00:48:15,518 "You know, he knows my middle name. 1349 00:48:15,602 --> 00:48:18,855 "He--he listens to my dreams-- 1350 00:48:18,938 --> 00:48:21,149 "not, like, my aspirations but, like, my dreams 1351 00:48:21,232 --> 00:48:23,318 "that, like, no one cares about, 1352 00:48:23,401 --> 00:48:25,487 "you know, where it's like, my hands were hooves 1353 00:48:25,570 --> 00:48:27,989 "and I was in my childhood home, but it was--like, 1354 00:48:28,073 --> 00:48:31,493 "he gives a shit about that. 1355 00:48:31,576 --> 00:48:34,746 "He's gonna come to my house next week and hang that mirror, 1356 00:48:34,829 --> 00:48:36,206 "that floor-length mirror I've just had 1357 00:48:36,289 --> 00:48:38,792 "tilted against the wall for four years, 1358 00:48:38,875 --> 00:48:40,710 "convincing myself that was the style, 1359 00:48:40,794 --> 00:48:42,379 "even though it was just 'cause I don't have a man in my life 1360 00:48:42,462 --> 00:48:44,047 "with a tool belt. 1361 00:48:44,130 --> 00:48:45,882 "I'm just like, 'Yeah, you just tilt it.' 1362 00:48:45,965 --> 00:48:47,175 "He's gonna hang that mirror. 1363 00:48:47,258 --> 00:48:48,593 "This guy's gonna be my boyfriend. 1364 00:48:48,677 --> 00:48:49,552 Let me sleep with him." 1365 00:48:49,636 --> 00:48:50,553 And then you do. 1366 00:48:50,637 --> 00:48:51,721 And you have sex, and it's great. 1367 00:48:51,805 --> 00:48:53,223 Whatever it is, it's good. 1368 00:48:53,306 --> 00:48:55,433 He comes, and then afterwards, 1369 00:48:55,517 --> 00:48:58,520 there's just this slight vibe that, like, 1370 00:48:58,603 --> 00:49:01,231 he, like, hates you. 1371 00:49:01,314 --> 00:49:05,985 Like, he wants nothing to do with you anymore. 1372 00:49:06,069 --> 00:49:07,529 You've felt it, right? 1373 00:49:07,612 --> 00:49:09,948 Every guy knows this feeling, 1374 00:49:10,031 --> 00:49:11,032 and I'm not even mad at you about it. 1375 00:49:11,116 --> 00:49:12,200 Every girl knows this feeling. 1376 00:49:12,283 --> 00:49:14,119 The humidity in the room changes. 1377 00:49:14,202 --> 00:49:16,037 He--something's different. 1378 00:49:16,121 --> 00:49:18,998 You go, "Did I stumble into some bad lighting? 1379 00:49:19,082 --> 00:49:21,418 "You know? Did we get lost in translation? 1380 00:49:21,501 --> 00:49:23,420 "Did I ask for too much? 1381 00:49:23,503 --> 00:49:24,754 "Maybe this thing was a masterpiece 1382 00:49:24,838 --> 00:49:26,840 till you tore it all up, damn it!" 1383 00:49:26,923 --> 00:49:28,758 No. You question yourself. 1384 00:49:28,842 --> 00:49:30,260 You go, "What did I do?" 1385 00:49:30,343 --> 00:49:31,761 You didn't do anything. 1386 00:49:31,845 --> 00:49:32,929 And, guys, you're probably wondering 1387 00:49:33,012 --> 00:49:33,972 the same thing of, like, 1388 00:49:34,055 --> 00:49:36,558 "Why do I not like her after this? 1389 00:49:36,641 --> 00:49:37,934 What happened?" 1390 00:49:38,017 --> 00:49:39,644 It must be scary for you. I actually empathize. 1391 00:49:39,728 --> 00:49:42,313 I used to get so mad at you and be like, "He changed." 1392 00:49:42,397 --> 00:49:43,815 Suddenly he's making up this whole thing 1393 00:49:43,898 --> 00:49:48,445 about he has to go to a meeting tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. 1394 00:49:48,528 --> 00:49:50,029 That whole thing of, like, they go to their phone, they go, 1395 00:49:50,113 --> 00:49:52,157 "Oh, fuck." [sighs] 1396 00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:53,658 And you go, "What?" And they're like, 1397 00:49:53,742 --> 00:49:55,535 "I just--I gotta go in the office tomorrow. 1398 00:49:55,618 --> 00:49:56,995 It fucking sucks," and you go, 1399 00:49:57,078 --> 00:49:58,747 "You didn't have a job 20 minutes ago. 1400 00:49:58,830 --> 00:50:01,875 "Like, before we had sex, you were unemployed. 1401 00:50:01,958 --> 00:50:04,169 Uber doesn't have an office, okay?" 1402 00:50:04,252 --> 00:50:05,420 And you go, "What did I do?" 1403 00:50:05,503 --> 00:50:06,421 And you didn't do anything. 1404 00:50:06,504 --> 00:50:08,214 It's back to the caveman brain thing. 1405 00:50:08,298 --> 00:50:10,800 We used to only have sex so we could procreate. 1406 00:50:10,884 --> 00:50:13,636 So when a guy comes after even being in your vagina, 1407 00:50:13,720 --> 00:50:15,138 even before and he pulls out, 1408 00:50:15,221 --> 00:50:16,139 but if he's been in your vagina, 1409 00:50:16,222 --> 00:50:17,932 his brain told him, "You got-- 1410 00:50:18,016 --> 00:50:19,768 "you did everything you could to get this one pregnant. 1411 00:50:19,851 --> 00:50:21,519 "Do not waste another load here. 1412 00:50:21,603 --> 00:50:23,021 "You can't get it pregnant twice. 1413 00:50:23,104 --> 00:50:24,564 "Move on to the next tepee 1414 00:50:24,647 --> 00:50:26,900 "and fuck her sister or cousin or whoever. 1415 00:50:26,983 --> 00:50:28,109 "She's ovulating, too, 'cause 1416 00:50:28,193 --> 00:50:30,445 this whole tribe ovulates at the same time." 1417 00:50:30,528 --> 00:50:32,405 It's like a fucking Pilates class. 1418 00:50:32,489 --> 00:50:33,656 Like, it just-- 1419 00:50:33,740 --> 00:50:35,325 they're synced up. 1420 00:50:35,408 --> 00:50:37,118 That's why you want to leave afterwards. 1421 00:50:37,202 --> 00:50:38,745 That's why. 1422 00:50:38,828 --> 00:50:41,289 And, girls, I felt mad about this 'cause I go, 1423 00:50:41,372 --> 00:50:43,833 "Well, I want our tribe to have more babies too. 1424 00:50:43,917 --> 00:50:46,836 "Why do I get, like, fucking clingy after a guy comes? 1425 00:50:46,920 --> 00:50:48,171 Why don't I want him to leave?" 1426 00:50:48,254 --> 00:50:51,216 And the thing is, women through evolution 1427 00:50:51,299 --> 00:50:53,343 developed cuddling after sex 1428 00:50:53,426 --> 00:50:56,179 as a way to get men to fucking leave, 1429 00:50:56,262 --> 00:50:57,680 because over time, 1430 00:50:57,764 --> 00:50:59,224 we realized that's the quickest way 1431 00:50:59,307 --> 00:51:02,101 for you to go fuck our cousin in the tepee next door. 1432 00:51:02,185 --> 00:51:06,356 So what you do is, you stop fucking them. 1433 00:51:06,439 --> 00:51:07,982 You have to stop letting them in your vagina. 1434 00:51:08,066 --> 00:51:10,193 And I know it sucks, but now you have anal to do. 1435 00:51:10,276 --> 00:51:12,779 That'll be fun. 1436 00:51:12,862 --> 00:51:15,990 Hand jobs--listen, you'll never be as good as they are, 1437 00:51:16,074 --> 00:51:16,950 but here's what you do. 1438 00:51:17,033 --> 00:51:18,701 Don't even try to be as good as them. 1439 00:51:18,785 --> 00:51:21,496 Just try to be different. Guys just like different. 1440 00:51:21,579 --> 00:51:22,831 Use lube. 1441 00:51:22,914 --> 00:51:25,333 Guys don't use lube when they jerk off generally. 1442 00:51:25,416 --> 00:51:27,502 They just grab, like, whatever lotion is nearby, 1443 00:51:27,585 --> 00:51:28,795 and it, like, stings their pee hole, 1444 00:51:28,878 --> 00:51:31,673 or they do it dry and it's just not that good. 1445 00:51:31,756 --> 00:51:33,508 So if you bring lube-- and I'm even-- 1446 00:51:33,591 --> 00:51:34,634 on a first fucking date, 1447 00:51:34,717 --> 00:51:35,927 you know when you're sitting on the couch 1448 00:51:36,010 --> 00:51:38,638 watching whatever he put on that you're pretending to like 1449 00:51:38,721 --> 00:51:39,722 so you're a cool girl and you're like, 1450 00:51:39,806 --> 00:51:42,892 "I love this reality show about Formula 1 driver"-- 1451 00:51:42,976 --> 00:51:43,977 whatever the fuck it is. 1452 00:51:44,060 --> 00:51:47,397 Like, you're just like, "I'm actually into it." 1453 00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:48,815 And then he pulls out his dick 'cause you start kissing 1454 00:51:48,898 --> 00:51:50,191 for, like, two seconds, and you're like, 1455 00:51:50,275 --> 00:51:51,860 "God, I don't want to blow him. It's too soon." 1456 00:51:51,943 --> 00:51:53,736 I don't--like, I don't want to have sex with him. 1457 00:51:53,820 --> 00:51:55,196 Just go, "I want to jerk you off, 1458 00:51:55,280 --> 00:51:56,531 but I want to go get my lube." 1459 00:51:56,614 --> 00:51:58,032 And I know that's like, "I'm gonna go get lube 1460 00:51:58,116 --> 00:51:59,325 that's in my purse on a first date?" 1461 00:51:59,409 --> 00:52:00,410 Yes. 1462 00:52:00,493 --> 00:52:02,203 "Well, he's gonna think that's so weird." 1463 00:52:02,287 --> 00:52:04,706 If he has a boner, he's not thinking. 1464 00:52:04,789 --> 00:52:07,542 He's not storing information about you or judging you. 1465 00:52:07,625 --> 00:52:09,043 He'll just be like, "Okay." 1466 00:52:09,127 --> 00:52:11,170 And you just go get your lube 1467 00:52:11,254 --> 00:52:12,922 and you put it in your hand, 1468 00:52:13,006 --> 00:52:14,924 and he'll just kinda be like, "What?" 1469 00:52:15,008 --> 00:52:17,760 And you don't even have to do a certain motion 1470 00:52:17,844 --> 00:52:19,387 to make him happy. 1471 00:52:19,470 --> 00:52:21,222 Just hold out your hand confidently and be like, 1472 00:52:21,306 --> 00:52:22,557 "Just fuck my hand." 1473 00:52:22,640 --> 00:52:23,975 You can giggle about it and be like, 1474 00:52:24,058 --> 00:52:25,435 "Some comedian told me to do this. 1475 00:52:25,518 --> 00:52:27,145 Just fuck my hand. Seriously." 1476 00:52:27,228 --> 00:52:28,313 And do it, like-- 1477 00:52:28,396 --> 00:52:30,398 I like to do it-- like, I stand like Beyoncé 1478 00:52:30,481 --> 00:52:33,192 at the end of, like, a really high note. 1479 00:52:33,276 --> 00:52:36,237 [cheers and applause] 1480 00:52:41,034 --> 00:52:42,410 And I don't even do any motion. 1481 00:52:42,493 --> 00:52:43,828 I just keep it still and let them fuck it. 1482 00:52:43,912 --> 00:52:45,747 And you can--it's kinda fun 1483 00:52:45,830 --> 00:52:48,583 'cause you get to change the tightness of your hand vagina, 1484 00:52:48,666 --> 00:52:49,918 'cause down there, you are what you are, 1485 00:52:50,001 --> 00:52:50,960 but here you can make it like 1486 00:52:51,044 --> 00:52:52,670 18-year-old virgin or like Octomom. 1487 00:52:52,754 --> 00:52:55,006 Like, you can do, like-- you get a-- 1488 00:52:58,217 --> 00:53:00,053 So... 1489 00:53:00,136 --> 00:53:03,514 don't have sex with them in your vagina. 1490 00:53:03,598 --> 00:53:05,308 And I know it's tough, but you can do it. 1491 00:53:05,391 --> 00:53:07,769 And finally... 1492 00:53:07,852 --> 00:53:09,854 so rule number one. Let's review. 1493 00:53:09,938 --> 00:53:11,814 Number one, look fuckable. 1494 00:53:11,898 --> 00:53:13,733 Number two, don't fuck him. 1495 00:53:13,816 --> 00:53:14,943 And number three-- 1496 00:53:15,026 --> 00:53:17,612 and this is where I had to drop out of the book-- 1497 00:53:17,695 --> 00:53:20,615 stop talking. 1498 00:53:20,698 --> 00:53:22,533 Just shut up. 1499 00:53:22,617 --> 00:53:24,786 When you want to say something, don't say it 1500 00:53:24,869 --> 00:53:26,329 and men will like you more. 1501 00:53:26,412 --> 00:53:28,539 And the thing is, "Oh, no, I don't want to stop talking. 1502 00:53:28,623 --> 00:53:30,375 "I don't want to be like a fucking handmaid. 1503 00:53:30,458 --> 00:53:31,459 "Like, there's something sad about that. 1504 00:53:31,542 --> 00:53:33,836 Like, I'm gonna just be quiet the rest of my life?" 1505 00:53:33,920 --> 00:53:34,879 No, no, no. 1506 00:53:34,963 --> 00:53:36,255 You can go back to your normal self. 1507 00:53:36,339 --> 00:53:38,341 You just have to wait until he dies 1508 00:53:38,424 --> 00:53:40,343 and then you can chat it up 1509 00:53:40,426 --> 00:53:42,136 while playing canasta with your gals. 1510 00:53:42,220 --> 00:53:43,221 No. 1511 00:53:43,304 --> 00:53:45,223 You just gotta, like, not talk as much, 1512 00:53:45,306 --> 00:53:47,976 and that one was a harsh reality to face. 1513 00:53:48,059 --> 00:53:49,227 But it checked out. 1514 00:53:49,310 --> 00:53:51,688 When I read that, I was like, "God, stop talking. 1515 00:53:51,771 --> 00:53:52,939 That makes so much sense." 1516 00:53:53,022 --> 00:53:55,066 I've always wondered why, as a female comic 1517 00:53:55,149 --> 00:53:57,068 who's got a little bit of notoriety, 1518 00:53:57,151 --> 00:54:00,321 why I don't have the same selection of suitors 1519 00:54:00,405 --> 00:54:02,281 that male comics seem to get. 1520 00:54:02,365 --> 00:54:03,533 You know, male comics are batting 1521 00:54:03,616 --> 00:54:05,535 so fucking far out of their league. 1522 00:54:05,618 --> 00:54:08,746 They do better than musicians, than actors. 1523 00:54:08,830 --> 00:54:10,498 And I mean, there's evidence of this. 1524 00:54:10,581 --> 00:54:12,500 I mean, look at Pete Davidson-- 1525 00:54:12,583 --> 00:54:15,670 not closely, but, like, if you-- 1526 00:54:16,796 --> 00:54:19,340 He's a-- he's a good-looking guy. 1527 00:54:19,424 --> 00:54:21,718 No doubt about it. Would I? Of course. 1528 00:54:21,801 --> 00:54:25,388 But is--is he Kate Beckinsale, 1529 00:54:25,471 --> 00:54:27,223 Kim Kardashian, Ariana Grande, 1530 00:54:27,306 --> 00:54:29,142 Kaia Gerber hot? 1531 00:54:29,225 --> 00:54:30,893 He's EGOT'd for women. 1532 00:54:30,977 --> 00:54:31,978 No! 1533 00:54:32,061 --> 00:54:33,688 He shouldn't be fucking Kim Kardashian. 1534 00:54:33,771 --> 00:54:35,023 Like, with Pete Davidson's looks, 1535 00:54:35,106 --> 00:54:37,191 he should be fucking...me. 1536 00:54:37,275 --> 00:54:39,527 Like, I would be a good person. 1537 00:54:39,610 --> 00:54:41,821 But that would never happen, 1538 00:54:41,904 --> 00:54:44,490 because male comics can get so far out of their league. 1539 00:54:44,574 --> 00:54:45,616 It frustrates me. 1540 00:54:45,700 --> 00:54:46,993 Men already get out of their league 1541 00:54:47,076 --> 00:54:48,578 just by being whoever they are. 1542 00:54:48,661 --> 00:54:50,872 Every single straight couple you know, 1543 00:54:50,955 --> 00:54:52,957 the woman is definitely hotter than the man. 1544 00:54:53,041 --> 00:54:54,709 It's just the way it is. 1545 00:54:54,792 --> 00:54:56,586 Maybe you can think of one couple 1546 00:54:56,669 --> 00:54:58,254 or, like, a couple that you can think of, 1547 00:54:58,337 --> 00:54:59,589 celebrity couples where you go, 1548 00:54:59,672 --> 00:55:03,301 "He's actually far more handsome than she is." 1549 00:55:03,384 --> 00:55:04,552 What do you say? You go, 1550 00:55:04,635 --> 00:55:06,763 "He's really-- he's so good-looking. 1551 00:55:06,846 --> 00:55:09,557 "And she's pretty cool with the fact that he's gay. 1552 00:55:09,640 --> 00:55:11,934 "Like, I love that she just lets him fuck guys 1553 00:55:12,018 --> 00:55:14,771 and they pretend to be married." 1554 00:55:14,854 --> 00:55:16,939 They're like, "Oh, it's sort of like Timon and Pumbaa." 1555 00:55:17,023 --> 00:55:19,942 Like, they think your husband's gay 1556 00:55:20,026 --> 00:55:21,569 if you're less attractive. 1557 00:55:21,652 --> 00:55:24,113 But male comics, man, they fucking kill it. 1558 00:55:24,197 --> 00:55:25,823 And female comics just don't do as well. 1559 00:55:25,907 --> 00:55:28,326 And I've always been like, "Where's the disconnect there?" 1560 00:55:28,409 --> 00:55:29,368 And it makes sense. 1561 00:55:29,452 --> 00:55:30,745 It's 'cause men don't really-- 1562 00:55:30,828 --> 00:55:33,081 they're not horny for women 1563 00:55:33,164 --> 00:55:35,083 who talk a lot and who are loud. 1564 00:55:35,166 --> 00:55:37,710 And it's based on the caveman thing again, I think, 1565 00:55:37,794 --> 00:55:40,505 because there's something about a guy onstage just, like, 1566 00:55:40,588 --> 00:55:42,173 commanding a crowd. 1567 00:55:42,256 --> 00:55:43,800 He has all your attention. 1568 00:55:43,883 --> 00:55:45,635 He's controlling people's emotions 1569 00:55:45,718 --> 00:55:47,178 by making them laugh. 1570 00:55:47,261 --> 00:55:49,472 And you're just like, 1571 00:55:49,555 --> 00:55:52,850 "That's the tribe leader, and I shall have him. 1572 00:55:52,934 --> 00:55:54,644 "He will help my survival. 1573 00:55:54,727 --> 00:55:56,896 "He has all the sickest furs in that tepee of his. 1574 00:55:56,979 --> 00:55:59,774 "I'll be protected during wartime and famine. 1575 00:55:59,857 --> 00:56:01,442 He will be mine." 1576 00:56:01,526 --> 00:56:03,194 It's, like, hot to you. 1577 00:56:03,277 --> 00:56:05,488 But it's not the same for female stand-ups. 1578 00:56:05,571 --> 00:56:09,450 Men aren't, like, horny for women onstage being like, 1579 00:56:09,534 --> 00:56:10,993 "My pussy itches, 1580 00:56:11,077 --> 00:56:12,954 so let me tell you about it, girls." 1581 00:56:13,037 --> 00:56:14,789 Like, they-- 1582 00:56:14,872 --> 00:56:16,374 they're not like, "Yes!" 1583 00:56:16,457 --> 00:56:18,126 They're just like...[groans] 1584 00:56:18,209 --> 00:56:19,460 "It's fine that you're saying that. 1585 00:56:19,544 --> 00:56:21,546 "Just, like--can you just, like, quiet down a little bit? 1586 00:56:21,629 --> 00:56:23,506 "Your voice is really harsh, and it, like, 1587 00:56:23,589 --> 00:56:26,509 "slices through the night air in a different way than ours. 1588 00:56:26,592 --> 00:56:28,177 "And there's a neighboring tribe just over the ridge 1589 00:56:28,261 --> 00:56:29,887 "that is ready to attack, and they're gonna come 1590 00:56:29,971 --> 00:56:31,430 "murder us at dawn because you won't shut up 1591 00:56:31,514 --> 00:56:33,724 "about your pussy itching. 1592 00:56:33,808 --> 00:56:36,269 "So could you please keep it to hushed tones over the fire? 1593 00:56:36,352 --> 00:56:38,938 "Please? We're gonna die 1594 00:56:39,021 --> 00:56:40,523 'cause you have an opinion." 1595 00:56:40,606 --> 00:56:41,983 And it's just true. 1596 00:56:42,066 --> 00:56:43,693 And then there was a study that came out 1597 00:56:43,776 --> 00:56:45,611 that confirmed all of this. 1598 00:56:45,695 --> 00:56:48,030 There was a study that came out that my friend found. 1599 00:56:48,114 --> 00:56:50,158 It was--I think it was in "The Atlantic"... 1600 00:56:50,241 --> 00:56:51,492 Ocean. It was an "Us Weekly" 1601 00:56:51,576 --> 00:56:53,035 that she kinda pulled out of the surf, 1602 00:56:53,119 --> 00:56:55,621 but she--no, it was-- 1603 00:56:55,705 --> 00:56:57,165 it was, like, in a rep-utable or repu-table-- 1604 00:56:57,248 --> 00:56:58,833 I don't know which word 'cause I don't read those journals-- 1605 00:56:58,916 --> 00:57:00,751 but, like, it was in one of the gooder journals, 1606 00:57:00,835 --> 00:57:04,088 and what the study said was, 1607 00:57:04,172 --> 00:57:06,549 "Why Men Don't Like Funny Women." 1608 00:57:06,632 --> 00:57:08,384 And what they found was 1609 00:57:08,467 --> 00:57:10,553 that men and women both say they look for the same thing 1610 00:57:10,636 --> 00:57:12,054 in the opposite sex. 1611 00:57:12,138 --> 00:57:15,266 First of all, looks, second, sense of humor, 1612 00:57:15,349 --> 00:57:17,393 which, that should be a good thing for female comics. 1613 00:57:17,476 --> 00:57:19,228 Number two, sense of humor? 1614 00:57:19,312 --> 00:57:21,939 But then they dug deeper, and what they found was that 1615 00:57:22,023 --> 00:57:24,025 women define sense of humor in a man 1616 00:57:24,108 --> 00:57:26,444 as a man who makes them laugh, 1617 00:57:26,527 --> 00:57:28,738 and men define sense of humor in a woman 1618 00:57:28,821 --> 00:57:31,991 as a woman who laughs at their jokes. 1619 00:57:33,784 --> 00:57:35,703 Yeah. 1620 00:57:35,786 --> 00:57:37,622 That's not a funny woman. 1621 00:57:38,998 --> 00:57:41,209 It's a smart woman. 1622 00:57:41,292 --> 00:57:44,462 That's why I'll be alone forever. 1623 00:57:44,545 --> 00:57:45,755 That's it, though. 1624 00:57:45,838 --> 00:57:47,924 Look fuckable. Don't fuck them. 1625 00:57:48,007 --> 00:57:50,092 Talk less. 1626 00:57:50,176 --> 00:57:52,595 So I just feel like in closing, like, 1627 00:57:52,678 --> 00:57:54,680 I just want to leave you with this. Um... 1628 00:57:56,349 --> 00:57:58,476 [chuckles] 1629 00:57:58,559 --> 00:57:59,685 - Whoo! 1630 00:57:59,769 --> 00:58:02,730 [cheers and applause] 1631 00:58:07,610 --> 00:58:10,571 - [giggling] 1632 00:58:19,497 --> 00:58:21,624 Wait. Do you hear that? 1633 00:58:21,707 --> 00:58:24,126 That's blood rushing to all of your dicks right now. 1634 00:58:24,210 --> 00:58:27,546 I can hear--I can hear it. 1635 00:58:27,630 --> 00:58:30,049 Thank you guys so much. I had so much fun. 1636 00:58:30,132 --> 00:58:32,426 You've been amazing. 1637 00:58:32,510 --> 00:58:34,220 I've been fuckable, hopefully. 1638 00:58:34,303 --> 00:58:36,097 Good night, you guys. Thank you so much. 1639 00:58:36,180 --> 00:58:37,473 Thank you. 1640 00:58:37,556 --> 00:58:40,476 [cheers and applause] 1641 00:58:40,559 --> 00:58:43,854 [Metric's "Gimme Sympathy"] 1642 00:58:43,938 --> 00:58:46,732 - ♪ Sign me up ♪ 1643 00:58:46,816 --> 00:58:50,945 ♪ Got no time to take a picture ♪ 1644 00:58:51,028 --> 00:58:54,448 ♪ I'll remember someday ♪ 1645 00:58:54,532 --> 00:58:56,951 ♪ All the chances we took ♪ 1646 00:58:57,034 --> 00:58:58,953 ♪ ♪ 1647 00:58:59,036 --> 00:59:01,247 ♪ We're so close ♪ 1648 00:59:01,330 --> 00:59:03,833 ♪ To something better left unknown ♪ 1649 00:59:03,916 --> 00:59:05,543 ♪ ♪ 1650 00:59:11,632 --> 00:59:14,135 [bright tone]